Segments - 508: A Good Cry (w/Michael Cruz Kayne!)

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

Writer and fellow Headgum podcaster, Michael Cruz Kayne joins us to discuss bedwetting, Canadians, and his new podcast: "A Good Cry!"See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money get the five dollar meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only Well, everybody knows ain't no one flyer than me Yeah, I smoke, drink, and fuck everybody you can see Because a sleeveless shirt for this piece of dirt Makes that sweet, sweet pussy go squirt, squirt, squirt

Cousin Leron says that I'll never get laid But I remind him that I 69, my dad had a raid Oh, your girl? Pfft Yeah, she knows me by name When I told her to come over Guess she already came As I say Winner, winner

Chicken chinner Always wiping right on Tinder Dankest reefers What's for dinner? Oh my god It's a long time coming Yeah, it's been a while And you know I'm doing good

Because the proof is in the smile The proof is in the pile If I were you Here's what I'd do Here's what I'd do It's a long time coming If I were you Very nice. I'm sorry about the blue language, Michael.

I mean, that was totally unbecoming. It was uncouth. No, absolutely delectable. I mean... It was disgusting. It was foul. I don't know how he came up with some of this stuff. Did he 69 his dad?

His own dad? Unbelievable. A stepdad, I'm behind. I'm totally for... A stepdad, that's allowed nowadays. But the... Yes. Your own dad.

But the fact that it's your own blood relative i don't know where they i don't know where our fans come up with this this crap it's trash it's drivel it's vile um he says that he actually pieced together quotes from our old videos to make it so so you that's jesus that's eye-opening damn it i didn't think that that you 69 your own dad yeah and i wrote at a rave yeah at a rave yeah wonderful but you have to understand this was a video about uh jake wearing a new shirt oh okay well then in that case it's necessary you're a comedy writer so you sort of get it moment that i hear new shirt i'm like well someone in this sketch is gonna 69 his dad at a rave, for sure.

Yes, it's like the gun thing. Chekhov's guns. Did you say it's like the gun thing? Yeah, you know that classic gun thing. Chekhov's guns. Whoa, Chekhov's guns. I've done a few of these theme songs now, says Dustin Clark, and I swear I'll have something to promote one day but today is not the day so thank you thanks

Dustin whoa can we swoop in and promote Michael's podcast right off the bat then because there's a nice little slot for promo swooping yes yeah we have like an open publicity slot and Jake's like oh we should always be selling if it's not Dustin's shit it's

this yeah well you guys made me Venmo not Dustin's shit, it's this podcast. Yeah, well, you guys made me Venmo you a hundred bucks each to do this podcast. We don't have to talk about that. That one's sort of, it's behind the scenes stuff. It's boring, people don't necessarily care. The ins and outs, how difficult it was to set up this podcast recording to begin with.

40 minutes have gone by without a single sound being recorded. I want to release the, my audio note of just us like trial, trial and error, uh, not able to, uh, to record any of our audio.

That's what I want to do. Uh, the podcast is a good cry. That is a new podcast on the head gum network hosted by you, Michael. That's right. You are hosting a good cry. It's a podcast on the head gum network hosted by Michael, Michael Cruz. That's right. You are hosting it. It's a good cry. It's a podcast on the HeadGum Network

hosted by Michael Cruz Kane. And it's a podcast about what's the funniest subject you can think of? Grief? Well, that's the one I chose. So it's a podcast about that. When does this come out? This, what we're doing right now?

This will come out a week from yesterday. Okay, so then- October 4th? The first episode of the podcast is already out and the guest on it is unbelievable. So I really hope you'll check it out. Oh, it's a secret. You're not even allowed to say I can't out at this point.

It's already out. So I guess it's not a secret. Yeah. Okay. So let me do that again. The guest is Stephen Colbert and he is, holy shit. He is incredible.

I mean, you know, he's incredible because he's a legendary person but also on this subject double put a little not even double put an exponent on it you know what i'm saying whoa yeah wow i cannot wait to listen i can't wait to listen well it seems like when colbert is best when he's like being thoughtful and also really funny at the same time it's just the thing that is a tear-jerking smile of joy so thoughtful that's like what makes the episode wild is like how every word feels like the exact perfect word from him from me it sounds like uh like my brain is falling down the staircase but everything he says is perfect it sounds like a poem wow

and you haven't recorded it yet, right? That's correct. That's just a prediction. Yeah, he has actually, the only response he's given me so far is a restraining order, but we'll see. I believe in myself. Yeah, the restraining order was poetry, though.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Stunning. E.E. Cummings wrote it. Thoughtful. It's incredible. I actually have a picture with Stephen Colbert that I took at Penn Station. Yes, Penn Station in like 2008.

It was pouring rain. I was with my buddy Jeff Rubin. We're like, that's Stephen Colbert. We got to ask for a picture. And it's like us two like dressed up in like these coats that make us dry, drenched because it was pouring rain. And Stephen Colbert was a good sport about it, took a photo with us. Stephen Colbert at that time was at Penn Station?

I don't think, I mean, what? I feel like he's been on TV for a while. He was shooting BB guns at what he said was poor people. So maybe that's what it was. Because he wasn't actually there to take pictures. This doesn't sound right. Stephen Colbert. Let us see the photo.

We'll tell you if it's Colbert or not, all right? Yeah, this guy with this fucking weird tattoo on his forehead and a buzz head he's five foot two 480 ish oh I was high out of my gourd but I think it was Colbert he shot you with a bb gun right because you looked poor that day you were wearing a poncho yeah I was wearing just a fleece you know the worst thing you could wear in a rainstorm oh we have fun that's exciting it is it's exciting what do you know about grief what why what makes you the expert what made you even want to talk about this for the podcast the reason that i wanted to talk about it is that 12 years ago almost exactly my i have a son who died we have uh my wife and i had twins i mean she had

them i don't know i never know what the right thing to say is there i always figure i don't say that i did it that i'm out as men we have to take it back we have to become the birther yes so we had twins and one of them very unexpectedly died which is the worst thing that happened i mean sort of in my life and also i think in the life of almost every single person that I know. And I didn't talk about it really at all for many, many years. And then when I suddenly got up the courage to start talking about it, I realized that a lot of people want to talk about it. Like a lot of people have some kind of thing like that in their lives that they never talk about and i found that it's a lot easier for me to talk about it with people because i get it on some level that maybe people who have not experienced some kind of tragedy like that those people maybe don't get it it's hard it's hard to

talk to people who haven't lost things you know or people in that way yeah does that make sense yeah yes and it we're also we have like an instinct to sweep grief under the rug or like brush past it you don't it's almost i don't know it's like we have something in our culture that makes it feel impolite yes like oh i'm so sorry let's change the subject to uh something that makes me not sad quick that's very true i think a thing that i find myself doing whenever people ask me about it is telling them being like you know this happened to me and then checking in with them visually just to be like are you okay because i know this thing happened to me but i i also know that me telling you is gonna like fuck you up for a week that you're gonna be like wait i didn't even know that could

happen oh wow so yeah this hopefully is a chance for people who have gone through this kind of stuff to talk about it and for people who listen to it to be like, oh, I guess that other people have had these kinds of experiences also. Like for me, I was never aware of how many people had gone through something fucking terrible until this happened. And then out of the woodwork, even people that I'd known for years

would just be like, oh, I never told anybody, but this happened to me five years ago. And there's just so much of that in the world. The idea is to bring it out in the open. Yeah. Wow. That's really powerful. I feel like my family's the same way. Whenever something bad happens, they're like, it's fine. It's fine. We don't have to talk about it. Yeah, it's fine. Let's get, what do you guys want? Chimichangas? That kind of a thing. We would never get chimichangas, but everything else is correct. On a slightly more lighthearted note, we have questions from real people who are in situations a little bit less grief-inducing than what you just described.

Everybody's got their own thing. That's a little saying I came up with, like a little original thought that I had. Everybody's got their own thing. Yeah, actually, everyone's got their own thing. Colbert said it, but you stole it from him on his podcast. Yeah, I met Colbert, I don't know if I told you this, at Penn Station a long time ago, and he said that to me. That was me.

Actually, we have a question from somebody who's afraid that they're being, quote, too emotional, so that's sort of on theme. This is a 20-year-old lady from Canada. We want to give her a fake name, you know, just to preserve her anonymity in case anybody wants to, like, they hear this question, they want to take pictures with her at Times Square, Penn Station, Port Authority, wherever. Sure, she becomes a huge, like,

an avatar for emotionality all around the world. Exactly. So we just need a fake name for a 20-year-old lady in Canada. What do you got? I think Angela. I feel Angela. That's good. That feels like a fake name. Yeah, Angela vibes. Almost rhymes with Canada. What do you got? I think Angela. I feel Angela. That's good. Yeah, Angela vibes. It almost rhymes with Canada. Yeah.

It does almost rhyme. That's a really good, astute observation. Hold on a second. I'm going to tweet it. Let me see if I can... What would it say? I'll figure it out. I don't have my Twitter login. Fuck it. I'll do it later. Whoa, it's blowing up.

Michael tweeted it. Yeah, I tweeted it. Colbert retweeted it. Holy shit. It just won a Peabody. The most important piece of journalism of this year? I don't see it, but I guess Angela almost rhyming with Canada.

Okay, Angela Canada writes, I'm a 20-year-old lady from Canada, and I've been running into a problem over and over again. I'd like to think I'm a good person whose friends and loved ones can come to in times of need. However, I find myself almost incapable of really being there for people, as whenever I hear of something that is stressing out a friend or family member, I also become incredibly stressed. This is to the point where if I see someone else crying, I start sobbing most of the time harder than the person who is crying in the first place. I want to be a good friend and partner, and I just don't know how to put my emotions aside when I see someone hurting. Was this problem either of you ever had, or am i just emotionally incompetent as a tit mouse any advice would be appreciated was her her uh her barometer for emotional incompetence was a tit

mouse yes because you know like whenever you like disclose your sort of woes to a mouse or a rat and they sort of they can't they just don't get it they They make it about them, kind of. Yeah, exactly. Running into a garbage bag. Also, P.S., old news at this point, but Jake's panic attack episode really helped me as I'm quite anxious myself. Jake, remember your panic attack disclosure? That was you sort of being emotionally intelligent,

opening up. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that was me being vulnerable. Were you talking about an episode of the podcast or an episode that, like that you had an episode? Podcast, God, yeah. I would never describe it as an episode. It was a chapter of Jake's life.

Post-panic attack, yeah. Gotcha, PPA. I have the opposite problem where people are crying to me and I'm like, I think, I don't know if it's just the way I was raised or my brain or whatever, whatever I am the way I am. I find it hard to sympathize and empathize with other people who are like, they could be breaking down and crying. And I could, I would just be like, uh, God, I'm like, get nervous. Like, I don't know how to react. I'm so sorry.

I don't necessarily, I would never cry with them. And I definitely don't cry harder than them. If someone's crying to me, they will never see me sobbing even more than them. That's too empathetic. I almost never cry when somebody— If you're sad, I'm almost definitely not going to be sad. Right. If anything, I'm happier by comparison. You're sad, thus I'm better than you, and I'm better.

No, my words are being twisted. All right, we got to go, but thank you, Michael, so much for coming on the show. What I mean is, if there's a sad thing that happens, the first person in my world, the first person to get sad

is the person who gets to be the saddest person, and everybody else is like, all right, let's see if we can help you out. But then once that person is good, somebody else can be sad. You know i mean yeah no i'm not talking about how the world should be i'm just saying that's how it normally operates i feel you get one sad person everybody else is like are you okay and then once that person is okay somebody else is like okay it's my turn to have a emotional breakdown yeah i'll be the sad one that's what that's what happens

in my world also if somebody is crying i'm not like i'm also sad that's where i go into like uh let me try to help let me fix it mode so yeah i and i usually think that the best way to fix it is to not cry also it's usually to be some kind of like um rational emotional rock yeah you have to be a rock you have to be you have to be strong thoughtful impenetrable yeah yeah yes you have to you have to you know what you have to be a rock you have to be you have to be strong thoughtful impenetrable yeah yeah yes you have to you have to you know what you have to do jokes aside you got to listen you got to be ready to listen to whatever's whatever's going to be said because what i always say is everybody's got their own thing that's kind of like my um i heard that that's my little like where have i heard that um you probably heard you probably heard a lot of people say it it was

trending i have you can see i have a tattoo of it across my chest and back which means i did it first yeah it's got a little it's got the little r of over it you know i don't know what the r stands for but it has that the tattoo registered yeah for sure i don't think that's it but all right it's on your person know what it stands for christ um did angela have a question or are we just i forget i guess the question is am i am i overly emotional it sounds like i would it sounds like you are very emotional you're an empath which is which is good i feel like combining one being okay with being emotional because that's not really something you can change the reactions that you have um but like i like what michael said about listening because if you see someone

crying and you just start crying you don't actually know what they're going through and what they're upset about but you listen you hear what they're upset about it actually could be something that you can help with or that you understand so you don't necessarily have to just take on every people everyone's emotion because um i forget who said it but everyone has their own thing you just have to that is that oh that's really good 100 no guys that's my that's like kind of my whole my whole deal i think we to jake really no we we talked about it the daughter of angela and canada originator. That one was yours. I think everyone has their own thing.

A wordsmith unlike any other. God damn it. I drink to thee and I salute thee. And in fact, I'm sending you $1,000 on Venmo. No! I just got it. Oh my God. What was it?

Everyone has a, what was it? Something that's good for everyone. Everyone has their own thing. That's my, oh. Something like that. Son for everyone. Everyone has their own thing. That's my, oh. Something like that. Son of a, I could really use $1,000 as the real bummer of this whole thing. I was gonna say to Angela

that I don't think it makes you emotionally incompetent. Was that the word? Or would I just throw incompetence in there? As a titmouse, yeah, that's what she said. But I do, I think as you've said, Jake, I do think that no one can, or maybe even should try and take away from you the way that you feel when you encounter these strong emotions. But also, I think it's probably tough for someone to come to you with a really bad problem and have you be more upset than they are. Because I could see that, you know, and I'm not blaming you for your reaction. I'm just saying you might find that your friends are like, I can't, I can't go to Angela with

this because then I got to spend an hour making her feel better about what happened to me. And I think it's like partially understanding that like when people come to vent or complain or share their sadness with you, like that's actually helping them feel better. So you don't have to meet them at their sadness. You, you can know that them sharing is is kind of unloading it's offloading it's not necessarily something that you have to carry you can just leave it to the side it's it's nice to be able to share uh with your friends yeah and i guess i like their friends sometimes you want someone to cry with when you're um sad and

sometimes you want someone to tell you it'll be better better sometimes you want someone to cry with when you're sad, and sometimes you want someone to tell you it'll be better. Sometimes you want people to say, like, that does suck, and I'm in it with you. So, like, maybe your friends can pick and choose whether they come to you or not, knowing that you're probably one of those ones that cry along with your friend versus a Jake or a me that will sort of sit across from them, arms folded, and say, they're there. They're there, actually, for that. Yeah, say they're there in a way that will sort of sit across from them, arms folded, and say, they're there. They're there, actually. Yeah, say they're there in a way that is vaguely threatening.

They're there. They're there. They're. Yeah, that's enough. I really do. I have never done it before, but throwing in the third there really makes it sound awful. They're there is okay.

They're there. They're there. They're. That seems bad. That's There, there, there. There, there, there. That seems bad. That's aggressive. That's illegal. All right. Hope it helps. Let's take a break and answer some more questions

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And we're back. Michael Cruz-Cain, do you have any? Oh, it's a lot sooner than I think. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Can I just, can you just say,

can you just say what that person, was that you talking in the song? No. I think it sounded like me, but I sing unsolicited advice. No, you do not. Yes, I did. I think you said unsolicited advice. No, I think that was the guy who recorded it. I'm honestly not sure.

I think he sampled my voice, but whatever happened, he definitely sampled your voice. Saying what? Then I say, I act as though sort of shedding, holding a mirror to society in a way saying, mom, I'm coming. Like my mother is walking on me, masturbating, which is sort of a coming of age. A coming of age? Told within three words. He asked what you said, and you said, I held a mirror to society.

That's what you said. I'm just saying. So yeah, I guess I did come up with it, and now I'm proud to say I said it. The focus on sexual acts that involve one's own parents in this program is really something. That's the premise of the podcast? Kind of accidentally, yes. It comes up often. It's a theme in our career.

Beyond just this podcast, it sort of follows us around because we invented, created, and cultivated this sort of motif. You guys are both known individually as the Oedipuses of comedy. That's your deal. Yes, that's right. Okay, unsolicited advice. What do you got for us? Okay, my unsolicited advice is

prefer the pool to the ocean. It's pools over oceans all day. So if you got a choice, you have an option, you got to go pool. This is really interesting because this has come up recently in my life with my wife. Oh, this is at your Malibu house, Jake. So Jake has this place with an infinity pool that overlooks that private entrance into the beach.

And you're always fighting. I can hear you yelling. We're not going there. We're not going there. We have it all and we're not happy because we disagree on which body of water is better. So Jake, are you more of a pool guy or a beach guy? I love any body of water, but I do really like the beach. You prefer the beach?

I think, yeah. I could see you getting mad. Unbelievable. I've never seen. I came here once. There, there, there. i think i prefer the beach i think i do but tell me why pool is better yeah tell me on pool the the environment is the environment is much more controlled that even the temperature you don't have a bunch of wackadoos

running around throwing their boomerangs and whatnot and uh and there's i think of the ocean as sort of the toilet of of the world and it's all it's just it's disgusting to me as well yeah come visit the largest toilet is what you say every time someone suggests going to hawaii yeah exactly oh you mean God's outhouse? No thanks. Yeah. You mean the eye of the toilet as it flushes?

I think I'm good. I'll pass is how I feel. Yeah. I guess if I'm thinking like private pool, like my friend's nice pool or something, or like a really nice infinity pool, I'm into that. But most of my pool experiences have been

at like hotels or something where there's a ton of children and like loud house music and it's it's not it's not as relaxing as like when i'm i guess like yeah what i'm thinking of is like an empty beach with just the sound of the ocean the waves i'm sitting in a beach chair reading a book whenever i get too hot oh sound of you know listen to me sound of the ocean, the waves. I'm sitting in a beach chair reading a book whenever I get too hot. Oh, sound of the, no, listen to me. Sound of the ocean, man, there's nothing better. The sound of the ocean, I love the sound. I'm talking about getting in the ocean.

That's what it is. Yeah, the sound is great, the look is good, but the feel, no thank you. What are your thoughts on sand? Sorry, Jake, one second here. I'm ready to ask a question, and it's this. Yeah. That's not how fucking the podcast works.

You're steamrolling me. One second. I'm going to mute your ass. You can go first. Mine was actually really interesting. What was yours? Something about a towel? I asked if he liked the beach or something.

I don't remember because you're fucking- Exactly. You don't remember because it was a nothing question. It was a zero question. It deserves no response. Your question is nothing question, too. We're making conversation. We're You don't remember, because it was a nothing question. It was a zero question and deserves no response. Your question is nothing question, too. We're making conversation. We're just having small talk

about the ocean. I think your issue is with the sand. You think my issue is with the sand? What are your thoughts on the sand, David Hall? I gotta tell you. I brought up sand earlier. There's no chance that's the issue.

Absolutely no chance. Really? I'm perfectly fine with sand. It's the idea that, like, I go in the ocean, i get a little bit oh i got a little bit of water in my mouth and then i'm like oh you know who shits in this water every everyone every everyone but all i mean definitely every fish every fish sits in here all they have to they have no other option you know there's a lot of piss in the pool

there's no matter how much piss you put in that pool man it's not even close to the piss in the pool. No matter how much piss you put in that pool, man, it's not even close to the shit in the ocean. It's not anywhere near. What about volume-wise? I feel like it has to be. Ounce for ounce, there's more shit in the pool. You're talking about proportionally. Yeah, proportionally.

There's a lot of fish in the ocean, but there's a lot of ocean. There's a lot of water there. I see. You're talking about the denominator of our fraction is a large number. Yeah.

I see what you're saying. One log per ocean is a much smaller fraction than a little bit of pp you have a friend who's in the ocean though i have a friend who like shit of course you did swimming and that's that's and that's uncouth you know what that is that's just skipping the middleman is all that is because all the other shits are direct to consumer farm to table that's just yeah he's living a toilet free life yeah because people you poop in the toilet man that's not going to my pool i could tell you that much i know where you're going it doesn't go to like a treatment center or something yeah but then where does it go to the ocean where does the poop go eventually i don't know how it works but eventually the ocean i'm sure it's yeah definitely there are wasn't there like a huge fucking there's like a there's a giant ball I don't know how it works, but eventually the ocean, I'm sure. Yeah, definitely. Wasn't there like a huge fucking, there's a giant ball of trash somewhere in the ocean

that has like all of the, it's like all of the wet wipes of the world have coagulated. Sure. Like a fatberg? Is that what a fatberg is? Is that what a fatberg, what's a fatberg? Yeah, fatberg. I think it's just a giant iceberg of trash, right? I don't know.

I don't know. Fatberg was my nickname in high school. I used to weigh close to 400 pounds, Michael. I don't know if you know this before. And you're down to 380 now, right? You're down to 380. Yeah, bone dry. It's a rock-like mass of waste matter in a sewer system formed by the combination of

flushed non-biodegradable solids such as wet wipes so maybe your thing maybe because your thing's in the ocean it's not technically a fatberg because sounds like what you're saying it has to be in the sewer it's a giant ball of trash but i am looking at photos of uh fatbergs and uh it looks like a london so, now search fat, search fat burger. It's much more delicious and sounds almost identically fat. Yeah, that's cool. I only had to put the ER,

even though it's spelled differently. Cause it's kind of showing me results for fat. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Fried egg on there.

It's really good. Oh my God. But then it said search instead for fat burger, which I did and took it back to the London sewer. Why? I don't know. It doesn't make sense. It's fun that but then it said search instead for Fatburger, which I did, and took it back to the London sewer. Why? I don't know. It doesn't make sense. It's fun that it's British.

I'm sure there's something. Oh, it's Fatburg something. Yeah, it's charming. They have a cute name for everything. Their fucking giant clock is just called Big Ben. That's fun. They made a channel and a tunnel, and they called it the Chunnel. The Titanic sequel is about a boat hitting a fatberg instead of an iceberg.

Yeah, fatberg straight ahead. Yes, exactly. And all the steerage class sort of just drowns in human feces and shit. But an incredible montage of dancing before that happens. Absolutely awesome. Yeah, the band played on, my friends. Also, I just want to fact check. I'm pretty sure Big Ben is not the name of the face of the clock.

Oh, it's the name of the actual tower? Or something. Or like it's the name of the bell. Is there a fact checker? You guys have a full-time fact checker? There is, yeah. Full-time live fact checker on the show? I mean, it's me.

I'm faxing them. Because I just searched Fatberg. Yeah, Big Ben. Is big ben the name of the clock i don't think so it's like the name of the bell or the name of the the name or is it not even big ben like are we all thinking of the same word but it's different like is it actually called big bend or something so the house of parliament and elizabeth tower commonly called big ben are among the most iconic landmarks and must-see. Technically, Big Ben is the name given to the massive bell inside the clock tower.

Let's go! Wow. That's how we do it, man. That is trivia. That is trivial, and it is trivia. I really did have to dig for that answer. It was worth it. For you.

No, for every person who listens to this. No, it was not worth it for me because I had to do work and then look dumb. I see. No, I think, but it humanizes you. I mean, I think that's what's going to be big. That's good, yeah. No, yeah, I was becoming godlike

in the eyes of the podcast listeners. Yeah, you have like a cool Thor vibe. Oh, thank you. Yeah, the beard. For the people listening at home, he's got a cool Thor vibe. Oh, thank you. Yeah, the beard. For the people listening at home, he's got a beard. And a giant hammer. Which is, I think, made out of foam. Is that why you were late today?

You were sort of crafting that? Yeah, I was on Hollywood Boulevard taking photos with people. Okay, we got another question from a bedwetter. Okay. A male in his late 20s. You got a fake name for this dude? A late 20s bedwetter? I'm going to go Richard.

I'm going to go Richard. Richard Bedwetter. Yeah. Unrelated to Linklater. No relation. A male in my 20s who started seeing a girl around my age. Things were going well until one night we got pretty drunk, and after spending the night at her place,

I woke up to find myself drenched in some odd liquid. I found myself in a place that I'm sure some of us have felt before, thinking that I drunkenly wet the bed in the middle of the night. Hangover and still slightly drunk, I begin to panic as to what to do next when suddenly a brilliant idea came to mind. I went into the kitchen, got a glass of water, and poured it on the bed. Then I woke up and I told her that I accidentally dropped the glass, causing all the sheets to get wet. She woke up understanding and we stripped the bed and all was well. I felt like a genius that I was somehow able to weasel my way

out of this embarrassing episode. Over the next few days, I began to reflect on what had happened. To be honest, I have been known to drunkenly pee in somewhat odd locations over the course of my drinking career, but I have never ever wet the bed. It had also been years since my strange urinations had happened. It weighed a bit on my mind, but I let it go.

Fast forward a few weeks later and I find myself drunk at the same girl's house things go well again and i spend the night and imagine my surprise when i wake up the next morning in a soaked mattress this time i'm thinking what the hell is going on as it was still pretty early in the morning i decided to ignore it and was able to move to a dry spot and drift back to sleep when i woke up later on this girl was nowhere to be seen. I got up, got dressed, only to find her asleep on the couch. I said goodbye, and I told her I'd text her. As I'm leaving, I begin to start putting some things together. She moved the couch, so clearly she

knew the bed was wet. But, oh, she moved to the couch, but didn't say anything about it. At this point, it hits me. She's the bedwetter, right? How could she not be? This is two times in a row I woke up drenched and it's with the same girl. So my question is, she must know she's the bedwetter, right? She knows she's a bedwetter

and still let me take the blame for the first time, right? Is this a deal breaker? Should I bring it up? I feel like I took the blame for something I didn't do, but I also feel somewhat gross about it. Any, oh, the sex was great so keep that in mind any insight you could provide would be greatly appreciated wow wow what a fucking seinfeld episode that was yeah jesus the twists the turns the bedwetting why does he think getting out of it getting back into it just because she moved to the couch doesn't mean that she's the one that did it.

She could have just woken up and felt your piss, right? Nah, it's her. I think it's her. I'm pretty sure it's her. That is her. That girl is her. That girl is, yeah. The original draft of that song is very pronoun heavy.

Never trust a big butt and a smile that girl is her bam um because the glass of water thing is an insane thing that's insane no one no one believes that but she imagine how lucky she felt exactly when oh my god she dropped water on my piss and the whole thing i got away scot-free scotch you still have piss on the bed you have to clean it there's it's on the mattress strip it it's on the mattress you have to put no you have to fucking put resolve on the mattress it's not it's not like you just got out of it by throwing the sheets in there. I think he's right. I think the sheets absorb enough.

No, they do not. Amir, what are you talking about? You've never had anyone piss in your bed. I have. And the sheets, it goes all the way to the mattress? I don't think that's right. I think what it sounds like is Amir has had multiple people piss on his bed, and he's being disillusioned.

I haven't done anything. He's been like, no, it's all absorbed by the top sheet, right? And all that takes soaks it all up. No, bud, you're sleeping on a piss pad. Well, there's multiple layers. I don't know if she's pissing on top of the duvet. There's a cover. Why would you piss on top of the duvet?

There's the regular sheet. She's sleeping above the duvet? Yeah, it's hot. Above the duvet. It's a summer sleepover. Yeah, and they sleep on top of the duvet i don't yeah or straddling a pillow better hope she didn't piss on top of the duvet because then that would get sopping wet and it would soak through to the mattress it doesn't fucking it doesn't just sit on

the top this is it's not what if you have a mattress you think the fucking sheet is a poncho you know like it's not a rain jacket i'll put my mattress in a diaper and hope for the worst. It's a fucking pool cover. We're sleeping on a rubber pool cover. Just the idea of you asking her to sleep on it. If you wouldn't mind sleeping on top of the toupee. I just had this problem earlier. I spilled some fucking soup in the bed.

Split pea soup is all. It's cranberry juice, apple listen richard you're the the woman and also here's the thing about that story i never know at what age it's no longer cool to start saying girl he's saying 20s he's saying girl i i would say at that age i would say woman i feel like it's it's um you know diminutive is that the uh disrespectful is not the word i meant before but maybe also works to describe that person as a girl but some people are doing it willy-nilly with people almost to their 30s and when they say it i'm like oh that sounds good that works yeah i think the issue is that there's like there's the perfect one for guys it's like

boy man but there's this perfect in between that's just guy. Guy is anything. It doesn't really matter. And then sometimes woman almost feels like too formal of a word. Yeah, I agree. And girl feels a little, yeah, it feels a little weird. And there really isn't a middle. What is it?

Would it be like chick? I don't know. Chick feels very disrespectful. That seems worse. Yeah. Lass? Lady? Maybe, yeah. Maybe it's mademoiselle. Young adult.? Maybe it's Mademoiselle.

Young adult. Yeah. It's Mademoiselle. I think, I mean, can I call for listeners to email us? Email us what you think the right, can I say that? Yeah. Email us at. If I were you to show it to email or just tweet at us.

I think that's. What age range are you looking for? I won't get it. I won't ever see it, but these guys will. 24 to 36. That's. Yeah. I feel like that's kind age range are you looking for? I won't get it. I won't ever see it. But these guys will. 24 to 36. That's. Yeah.

I feel like that's kind of a mid-range. A nebulous. There's no designation for a person of that exact age. What's a millennial woman called? Yeah. What's the word you use to talk about millennial women? And we definitely need to know. Because this one pissed in his bed. And we definitely need to know. Because this one pissed in his bed, and we really need to talk about it.

Oh, yeah. Should he bring it up? No. I don't think he knows for a fact that it was her. Just because she moved to the couch. I don't think that any of this is known knowledge. I'm telling you 100% it's her. Without a shadow of a doubt, she pissed the bed at least twice and

she's gonna do it again she's gonna do it again for sure so you're either gonna bring it up or you're gonna have or or you stop seeing her or every time you hook up with her you're gonna wake up in a in a wet bed and every time you're gonna have to come up with some the two of you will have to tacitly agree on some cockamamie reason that is not oh she pissed the bed again yeah here's the i is piss isn't that gross is that fair to say i don't like if i slept somewhere and someone pissed in the bed i wouldn't be like oh my god this is nasty i think i would i think i would be i would be i mean i guess the toilet the ocean being the toilet thing that's yeah i don't like other other people's pee pee and poo poo is not for me i mean i know you're not saying poopoo is fine i'm just saying right no yeah if someone's in the bed i'd be upset but

if peepee is fine peepee is good for me you're down you're down okay that's great that's that's beautiful i'm not like down yeah but yeah like not like you're pro you ask them you prefer it yeah when you're on the when you're on casper mattressattresses.com or whatever, you're like, do you have one of these that comes pre-peed? Yeah, whenever we do our Helix ads, they ask you to ad lib, and I say, yeah, I say it on pro-peed. But here's one thing that I noticed, because when he had done it, he was fine with just spilling water, throwing the sheets in the wash, never thinking about it again.

But when she did it, he's like, this is kind of gross. Is it a deal breaker? So I don't think it's a deal breaker because it wouldn't have been a deal breaker if it had happened to you. But I think he would have understood

if she had been like, no, you pissed the bed. You got to go. I think everybody is allowed to say if the person that they're intimate with has pissed in the bed, I think everyone is allowed to say if the person that they're intimate with has pissed in the bed. I think everyone is allowed to say that's going to be a no from me. That's going to be a no.

I'm empowering the listeners. I'm empowering them with that option. And I'm pro-pee enough that I don't think it's a deal breaker. That's beautiful. I think it's worth talking about what happened. Did we, did you piss in the bed or did I piss in the bed? Cause someone pissed in the bed.

You know, I think, I do think you should bring it up. I think if that was the original question, I would for sure bring up who, who is it that's pissing in this bed. Right. Can I recommend waiting for a third time?

Of course you can. You can do anything. Whatever you want. Let's wait five more times. Is that fair to say? The 10th time's the charm? 10th P, put your foot down.

What you got to do is you got to stay awake the whole night. You got to stay awake the whole night. Just like, you got to stay awake the whole night.

With a fucking flashlight. Yeah. But the worst case scenario would be you stay awake all night night just like you gotta stay with a fucking flashlight yeah and then don't but the worst case scenario would be you stay awake all night with a glass of water and then you drop that in the bed at five in the morning and then you're like oh shit i don't know if it was me or her now that's a great ending to the episode thank you i also wait i also kind of what can i say can i say one more thing can i say one more i think so okay the other thing i wanted to say is have either of you ever done a thing where you have accidentally, like I have peed in a urinal and the backsplash has gotten like on my,

some sprinkles on the pants. I have then like washed my hands and deliberately dried them near the splash to be like, oh, that must be from when I, there weren't any paper towels. So that must be, there's no pee. None of this is pee. This is all a Neanderthal hand washing definitely yeah no i have a very small bladder i think that's why i'm not grossed

out by p i'm i'm often needing to pee in like small containers pee in bottles while i'm driving pee on the side of the road pee against buildings uh go into weird bathrooms beg people that don't have public restrooms if I can use the bathroom at their store. So, yeah. And I should say your dick is so thin you can actually pee inside of a Mexican Coke can while driving, right? I don't know if you should say that.

I actually don't think you should say that. You said I should say this? I'll just to paint the picture. Because those bottles have a very thin top. Yeah. The aperture at the top of one of those bottles is pretty small. I know that it's small.

I know that it's thin. Your dick is thinner than the stream, which is seemingly impossible. How can that be? It creates a paradox in space-time when you urine it. It's so thin that it comes out in a cone. It's like that hose setting that sprays wide. It's so thin that it comes out in a cone. It's like that hose setting

that sprays wide. That's disgusting. I think we really need to take a break for that. Sprays wide? Come on. You said I fucked a Coke bottle. Mexican Coke. We have a guest. Mom, I'm coming. 69, my dad.

We have a guest. The piss cone was gross. This question's about piss. this question is about my foot down in a way in a way it's also about like when i said mom i'm coming i feel like that's the same issue here it's two young adults sort of discovering themselves and i had the is the other young adult your mom what do you mean yes uh she was nine when she had it. Oh my God. What? Yeah. And the cone was too much. And people advertise on this show. They advertise on this one that we're listening to right now.

Oh, that's actually a great reminder. Let's take a break. Thanks to more sponsors. And we'll come back after these awesome sponsors that seemingly don't listen to the content of the episode. I hope not. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other

and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters. Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio,

the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain so again you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS you save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS

when you're ready to launch that free trial thank you Squarespace quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. We're back, baby. Yes. All right, reminder. What's the name of that show again? A Good Cry? The show is called A Good Cry, yeah.

Colbert episode, I hope to to God when does it drop? It drops this week then I think when this comes out I think it will have dropped last Thursday do you know what I mean? the future Thursday will become last Thursday when this actually drops yeah when Jake is peeing

from around his penis and time has inverted, this will come. The space-time continuum has disrupted. Shattered. That's exactly right. That's an insane get right off the bat. I feel bad for your second guest.

I mean, where do you go from there? From Colbert, and then it's like, alright, guest two, do you already have that lined up? Yeah, my second guest is pretty big it's Johnny Carson's Ghost so that's cool dude this is savage so now I feel bad for the third guess there's no way yeah because you're going from Colbert to the ghost the third guess is Angela from Canada

actually I got it so you're just all over the place at this point the fourth guest is a hose the fifth guest is Conan O'Brien and the sixth guest is I don't The fifth guest is Conan O'Brien. And the sixth guest is, I don't know, me or some shit. Oh, man. We're having the time of our lives.

I love it. Okay. Can we answer one last question while we're here? This is about, I don't know why, another Canadian male. We're big in Canada, Michael. I don't know if you knew that. Oh, good. That's what I'm trying to reach out to.

I want people in Saskatoon. Is that a place? Oh, yeah. You'll be playing Calgary, don't you worry, and Saskatchewan, Halifax. Yes. We didn't sell out Edmonton, but we definitely heard about it,

if that makes sense. Edmonton, home of the Oilers. Thank you. Home of the Edmonton, home of the Oilers. Thank you. Home of the Edmonton Oilers. That's correct. That's true. Was that like a quick Norm MacDonald impression, RIP? I don't know.

I don't know who that is. Awesome. Now you're ingratiating yourselves with Canada, Canadians. All right, this is a 25-year-old male in Canada. What are we going with here? That's all the information we have? 25-year-old male in Canada? Yep.

Yep. I think I'm going to go Chuck. I'm going to go Chuck. I like Chuck. I like that. Yeah. Everybody likes a Chuck. There's no bad Chucks.

That can't be true. I'm a 25-year-old. I'm a 25-year-old. I guess Charles Manson. but he didn't really go by chuck then there's chucky the evil doll you were charles manson's friend you called him chuck yeah if you if you would literally kill for him you'd call him chuck yeah i think so about three years ago i met a woman online now 26 and a female and we've been together ever since in december i proposed and we're planning on getting married next fall all right the kicker is she comes from a traditional Hispanic family and is afraid they wouldn't understand me being from a

quote different country I've spent a few weeks in several holidays with her with her parents and they love me so I wish she would come clean how do we wait what he's from fucking Canada yes how do we go through the wedding in either country without her parents finding out where I'm from? My fiance is planning on moving to Canada with me over the next few years. And just telling her parents, I got a job there. That's the lie, I guess. Thanks. So he met her.

I mean, if you were dating a Canadian, you'd want to keep that under wraps, too. If my mom found out that my lover was from Toronto, they would disown me in a heartbeat. Yeah, if your mom found out that she herself was Canadian, she would be devastated. She's 42. Wait, I don't understand. I'm missing a key piece of this. So he's in the miscellaneous Hispanic country with her? Is that the deal?

No, I think they're from Florida. He's in the miscellaneous Hispanic country with her? Is that the deal? No, I think they're from Florida. He's from Canada. They're like, we're getting married. And she's like, my fiance is from New York. And then it's like, uh-oh, they don't think I'm from Canada because it's a traditional Hispanic family and they're afraid they wouldn't understand me being from a, quote, different country.

That seems crazy. I think they will. They understand there's other countries i think you've massively over exoticized canada i don't think they're gonna i think it's the same it's the fiance it's the same continent it's not it's an imaginary border that separates us yeah i've never heard of people being anti-canadian if anything it's the canadian family that would be like why are you fucking marrying someone from florida that place is america's toilet aka the ocean fucking surrounded by it yeah i don't i don't i don't understand the problem here i think you just say to the family

i'm from canada which i'm gonna bet you a hundred bones they already know they're like yeah we canadian we know that you're from canada yeah we once doubted it. We heard you say a boot. We heard you say sorry. That's exactly right. Yeah, it's clear. Or you can say you're from Minnesota. It's the same fucking thing. Like, they don't know.

I'm from Minnesota. Okay, I'm from Windsor. What, is that in Minnesota? Sure, whatever. Windsor, Detroit, Ontario, these are all the same fucking places in between Florida and California. You're a nobody, man. You stumbled on good advice, though, Ontario, these are all the same fucking places in between Florida and California. You're a nobody, man. You stumbled on good advice, though, during that bit.

Don't say Canada. Just say the town that you're from. Did he say specifically the city that he's from? Yeah, it's from Canada City. No way. The most Canadian-sounding city. That's not real. You're making that part up.

He's not from a place called Canada City. Shut up. Like Toronto. You say I'm from Toronto. They're not going to be like, isn't that in Canada? They'll just be like... Yeah, taking off their sunglasses. There's an MLB team from Toronto.

That's fine. That's American. Yeah, I think they're even called the Blue Jays or some shit. They are. It's literally part of the league. I swear, I think there's an actual... I know you were joking, but there's a freaking... they're even called the blue jays or some shit like it's literally part of the league like i swear i think there's an actual like i know you were joking but there's a freaking like like yeah there's like real american players from there actually probably hispanic players

from florida on the what is it the blue jays you're gonna say raptors the raptors on the toronto raptors the baseball team yes have. Have you heard of Jorge Garbajosa? He played for the Raptors and I think was a Hispanic from Florida. Didn't... I wonder if there's a way to bring that up. Say that's you. Didn't Jose Calderon play for the Toronto Raptors? Another, yes.

He's not Hispanic from Florida. He's from Spain. Yeah, that's exactly right. But still, we're getting closer. But still, that's a cultural from Florida. Yeah. That's exactly right. But still, I mean, we're getting closer. But still, that's a cultural touchstone for people. They could still be like, oh, just... They probably love Calderon. Yeah.

I'm sure that they do or that they don't. There are a lot of options. Actually, a cameo from Calderon would go a very long way. See if you can get Calderon to come to the wedding. I think that would smooth things over. All right. I'm from canada but what do you think jose yeah in the absolute in the absolute like the the complete melee that that ensues when you tell them you're from canada i mean like the blood bath that happens if you can try to blurt out but i i know jose calderon you might be okay you have a photo of him on the phone or something like that that's exactly right uh okay cool enjoy good luck godspeed

canada's fine probably you don't have to worry about it um either that or we don't know what this hispanic family is like and the wife is like trust me they will go eat but if they truly love him they'll be they'll learn to accept somebody from winnipeg i mean yeah but the other thing is to just trust your wife and let her lie because maybe she does know something you don't yeah because it also doesn't it doesn't matter that they don't know like but i think at some point it's going to be very hard to maintain the illusion of never having been from canada yeah you know the like it's get to be very hard to maintain the illusion of never having been from Canada. Yeah.

It gets weirder the longer you don't tell them. Like, don't you have parents who are going to come to the wedding? And what's, like, how will you keep this up? At some point, you're going to have to be like, I'm from Canada. Yeah. No, they're going to find, you just have to treat it like it's not a secret. I think that's probably. You have to treat it with the exact emotional weight that it deserves, which is none. Absolutely none. Sweet. all right michael uh at this point jake usually gives out an award for

best and worst podcaster of the show that's not usually what happens i isn't it it happens throughout the episode yeah i feel like it sometimes happens at the end that you give you guys have done this before though this podcast right you've done like a few like a couple yeah 500 episodes and jake has won what he deems to be the award for podcast excellence the golden mic every episode and i've received uh the second place trophy which is the turdy um jake do you want to hand those out or should we let the guests yeah you're to get the turdy for kind of throwing this whole thing into chaos at the end, saying that this isn't what happens. Are you handing it out, or is Michael handing it out?

I'm sorry? Are we letting the guest do it, or are you going to do it yourself? No, no, I could. I would never come into someone else's podcast and take their shtick. I mean, I would be honored if Michael would give you the turdy. That sounds great. Yeah, okay. And the golden. Is it ceremony? Yeah, no, you just have a mirror that's the turdy that sounds great yeah okay and the golden is it is it ceremony like

okay yeah no you have a mirror that's a turdy yeah a mirror get so the turdy i'm gonna give to a mirror and the uh and the golden the golden mike yeah mike yeah i'm gonna go i'm gonna go with jake on that one it's gonna be jake with the golden mic i'm here i'm gonna go with the turdy that's so cool that's really i'm so this i'm home in go with the turdy. That's so cool. In a way, the streak is alive. I'm honored. I am honored. Honored. I'm honored, guys.

Honored and humbled. By the way, Jake, you've given Golden Mike's... Does Mike at least get one? Yeah, totally. Sorry, did you just call me Mike? I thought that was... Edit it out! Michael gets one.

Take it out! Everyone has their own thing? That's huge. That's a golden Mike worthy. Yes! Sweet. Golden Mike for the golden Mike. Okay, yes, thank you.

I'm just kidding. By the way, fans, you can call me Michael, Mike, MCK, any of you. It's all good. It's all great. Okay, the podcast, once again, A Good Cry on the Hedgum Network. Every Thursday.

Episode one. Yeah, episode one. I think every episode will sort of be co-hosted by Stephen Colbert. Yeah, I'm not even on it anymore. I think Stephen did such a good job in the first episode. We've asked him to stay on as the host. Who's Colbert having?

Yeah, for episode two. That was actually an idea for a podcast I had. Somebody interviews someone, and then the next episode, they're the host, and they interview someone else. Yeah, a chain interview, you called it. Yeah, a chain interview of sorts. It's not too different from the improv concept of la ronde. La ronde?

Interesting. La ronde. What is is that it's where you do a where you do a scene with one person and then one person leaves and the person remains as a scene with somebody and then the first person is that new character a and b do a scene then b and c do a scene then c and d do a scene this is the kind of stuff by the way i don't know if you guys can track the numbers intra episode for how high the interest goes but i think when i start talking about improv forms you're gonna going to see a big... French specifically. A huge pop. French-Canadian.

Yeah, there was a mime in Quebec that sort of created this in the early 20s. He ended up hanging himself in the town square, much to everybody's joy. This is what Angela... Angela is sobbing during this. I mean, it's absolutely wrecked by this.

She can't fucking believe that clown, just absolutely wrecked by this. She can't fucking believe that clown, that fictional clown is gone now. Okay, sweet. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them on down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. That theme song was so good. Let's play it again.

Do you remember the name? Oh, yeah, Dustin Clark. Dustin Clark. Good memory. And we're still making exclusive video content on our Patreon patreon michael i don't know if you know this but jake and i have a patreon called patreon.com slash ja so check out more stuff there ja oh jake and amir i got you yeah and if this was enough then you don't have to check out the patreon but just know that you can basically i'm getting and i'm getting a cut of the Patreon, we said, right? You said 10% cut.

Well, thank you so much for coming by. I look forward to listening to the podcast, and I'm sure all of our fans will, too. Appreciate it, and we'll see you all next week. Ciao, everybody. Peace. Ciao. Ciao. Well, everybody knows ain't no one flyer than me Yeah, I smoke, drink, and fuck everybody we see

Because a sleeveless shirt for this piece of dirt Makes that sweet, sweet pussy go squirt, squirt, squirt Cousin Leron says that I'll never get laid But I remind him that I 69, my dad had a raid Oh, your girl? Yeah. She knows me by name. When I told her to come over, I guess she already came. Cause I say winter, winter chicken chinner, always wiping right on Tinder. Dankest reefers watch for dinner. Oh my God. It's a long time coming. Yeah. It's been a while and you know, I'm doing good because the proof is in the smile. That was a Hiddem Original.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle,

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