Segments - 51: Stay Friends

Episode Date: January 9, 2014

In this episode we discuss religion, chivalry, and the Oedipal Complex. This BONUS Thursday episode is made possible thanks to LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Thursday podcast. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bedsheets, pillows, comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets,

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My dad's going to live forever. We love you guys. Remember to enjoy the show. Yes, enjoy this episode. Today is, I think, the January 9th episode. I believe that's Richard Nixon's birthday episode. And to honor the great, great president we had, we made sure that things became absolutely 100% unequivocally real

during the course of the taping. They finally got real. So enjoy this episode, everyone. Thanks, LegalZoom. You're listening to a brand new If I were you

right now That was soothing. So why are you mad? I'm not mad. I'm soothed. You don't know what soothed means then. I feel very soothed right now. No, you don't. I've never been soothed before.

It shows. Now I'm soothed. She could have kept on going. That was short but soothing. At least blink, man. You're grabbing my ankle. I'm soothed. I just killed a person.

Say, I'm soothed. I'm a soothsayer. That was Audrey Scott from the band Siksy. I believe this is our first repeat. Siksy? Yeah, Sik and then C. S-I-C-K-S-E-A. Oh, like seasick.

Yeah, but the other way around. I think she did a previous intro. So this is our first, I think, repeat. How did her other one go? I have no idea. But I remember it was good. It was one of the ones that people recommended that I used for the best of. Oh, very nice. previous intro so this is our first i think repeat how did another one go i have no idea but i remember it was good it was one of the ones that people recommended that i use for the best of oh so uh yeah thanks again audrey for that thank you and this is if i were you the only advice podcast on

the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake and i'm soothed and i'm so i'm incredibly soothed i really am soothed. Yeah? Yeah. It's because we're in your room. Yeah, we're in my bedroom here. Yeah. By your room, I mean the downstairs room in my parents' house. By my room, you mean Yair's old room.

Yeah, my older brother's old room. Yeah. Surrounded by photos of, I guess, paintings of my brothers. Childhood photos of you guys. Yeah. I'm in this room, though. Are you comfortable? Your mom framed this, um, the plaque of us. The plaque that we're on.

Yeah, so that's sort of like my room here. Also, all those scarves on the door are mine. No, those are my mom's. Oh. I've been parading around the room at night in them. Everyone's hoping that we just stay in my parents' house forever because it's very funny to them. Like, when you tell people where you're staying, what do you say?

Like, uh, be like, Oh, you moved out to LA. Where are you living? I'm like, Oh, I live at Amir's mom's house. Not my dad. Yeah. I always call it, your dad lives here. It sounds like your mom is a, it's an old mate. Everybody loves it. They get a real kick out of it yeah um i told your dad that i was gonna have to start bringing people i was gonna have to start bringing girls back here right because getting like this is almost day three at this point yeah there's a fucking dry spell horny yeah that's what you don't want to say to your dad over dinner that i was horny he said uh can you pass the hummus furthermore i'm, I'm growing soothed and afraid that I'm horny. Mr. Blumentfeld, I am sad to say that I am both soothed and horny.

At this point in time, I find myself horny, soothed, scared, and alone. At this juncture, I am in your eldest son's room, and I am becoming a cuckold. Of myself. Sir, help. But then he's like, you can just bring ladies in through the side door right yeah that's what he said so i don't know helping you now all i need to do is find a girl who's willing to drive back to the valley with me hey come on don't you dare put my parents on a thursday blast not after all they've done to be on blast let alone on a thursday um all right uh how does this show work what is this show do you want to try explaining it this time sure yeah we um we oh okay i just you threw me a curveball i just took a second i watched one

pitch go by but here we And it was called strike looking. Okay, well, it's one strike. And here's what it is. We find people who are in two strikes. Here we go. All right. It's okay. Tie it inside.

We find people who are looking for advice. They are in sticky situations, terrible conundrums, and awful life dilemmas. They come to us looking for advice, and we do our best to give it to them. And how do people email us? They email us by emailing us in at ifiweryoushow at gmail.com. And I actually don't appreciate this quiz that I walked into. You're some sort of proud teacher. You think you taught me a lesson but the only thing i learned is that i don't like you as much anymore because i went into this podcast thinking we were fucking

equals and you you condescending schoolmaster you mr feeney without the accent or the life lessons the worst type of feeney imaginable uh yeah that's it you're right thank you that actually fuck now i feel good because i got the answer and shit i want to learn more give it to me again sir no i believe in myself so uh we're gonna give these real questions today fake yeah fake names to preserve their anonymity anonymity so uh you got So you got a first name for this guy? Yeah, Pikachu. Pikachu, I choose your email. Very nice.

Pikachu writes. Get out of Yair's room. You don't deserve to be in his room. On my pull-out couch. Absolutely not. With my flower duvet. All right, here we go. Ready?

Pikachu writes, I got dumped by a chick because she lost feelings for me. Heh. Heh. He wrote heh, not me. I got dumped by a chick because she lost feelings for me.

Heh. She said she just wanted to be friends, but now she says she's still trying to get over me. And so she keeps asking to hang out as friends, but bails on me and ignores my texts every time we're supposed to hang out. Then she texts me back days later, completely disregarding the fact that she flaked on me. I asked her why she was ignoring me and she said she was making me mad on purpose because it was her defense mechanism for for not feeling sad wtf is going

on i don't know i want to keep just being friends with her but her actions lead me to think she doesn't want to kick it with me what do i do guys thanks pikachu what a confusing woman yeah she really let you in on the process though i guess it's my defense mechanism since uh i don't give a shit about you anymore what a mean thing to do but it is very uh honest at the very least well not she's sounds like a little jerk it made me break up with someone because they don't you don't have feelings for them and then that's it you don't if you break up with someone you can't be like let's hang out and then cancel on them and then hit them up later and be like, let's hang out

and then say, I'm sorry I ignored you. That's a defense mechanism because I'm not sad. It does sound like she doesn't want to kick it with you, but I don't even understand why you're wasting your energy trying to figure this out. Because he wants to get back together with her on some level. What you need to figure out is that she sucks and that you don't want to kick it with her.

She doesn't make the decision. She doesn't get to be like, sucks and that you don't want to kick it with her. She doesn't make the decision. She doesn't get to be like, I don't know if I want to kick it with you. Like, no, you decided when you broke up with me that we don't kick it. Yeah.

And now I kick you to the curb. I kick you in the face. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, kick her to the curb. Not physically, not actually. Metaphorically. Metaphorically.

But isn't this how it happens so often? It's just like, we're going to break up, but don't worry, I still want to be friends. Okay, so then you realize, oh, maybe it's not best to be friends right away. Right. Well, I don't think it's ever good to... Why do you break up with someone? Because you're not friends with them. Well, you could be friends, but not necessarily lovers.

When you are lovers with someone, if you're in a relationship with someone you that is your best friend you spend all your time with them you open up to them you learn about their life you tell them about your life you guys have a connection a sexual connection but also a mental connection an emotional emotional connection you guys are best friends and you don't get along you break up that means that's not your friend you can't just be friends you're not friends we aren't friends anymore that's what breaking up is it's cutting off the friendship i decided two things one i don't like fucking you and two we're not friends and usually the breakup happens after the i don't like fucking you anymore and now you always like fucking that's the that's the main problem so you

still like fucking but you don't want to be friends with them i think what people i think what it really is is i don't want to fuck you i don't want to be friends with them. I think what people, I think what it really is, is I don't want to fuck you. I don't want to be your friend. And then you are broken up and then you're like, well, shit, I don't want anyone else to fuck you. I don't want anyone else to be your friend. Hey, let's me and you stay in touch so I can keep tabs on you and just make sure you're not moving on too fast.

That's the general thing or the general feeling is the same with me, but the reasoning is different. So like, I also go through the phase of, hey, we should be friends, but then it doesn't thing or the general uh feeling is the same with me but the reasoning is different so like i also go through the phase of hey we should be friends but then it doesn't really work out but i don't want to like keep tabs to make sure nobody's boning the ex-girlfriend i think you just you don't care if anyone's boning anyone uh i guess i don't i don't not care but i just don't want to know like i don't want to like keep her from doing it I just don't want to know about it I see um but I think people say oh let's stay friends as a way of like making the breakup seem easier so like no no we're still gonna hang out it's not like I'm just never gonna see you anymore because it's

it's intense to be like all right let's break up I'm never gonna see you anymore yeah it's sort of like when you're leaving you're like leaving home you hug your mom and you're like I'll call you right with this isn't the absolute end i'm going but we'll call each other and it's going to be fine like there's going to be there's still contact here but when you're breaking up with someone the real truth is that there shouldn't be right so you're leaving you're like hey am i just out of your life forever like oh no no i mean i still want to know what's going on with your with your mom and dad we're still gonna be friends yeah tell me about what's going on with your mom and dad. We're still going to be friends. Yeah, tell me about what's going on

at work and stuff, you know? Alright, so keep in touch, eh? No, not really. Nobody's really going to keep in touch. That's not going to happen. But the friendship, I think, if it does happen, it happens down the line. Down the line, if it does at all. Right. Down the line. Down the line.

Down the line. Down the line. Down the line. Down the line. So, what's his, if I were you? If I were were you i want to keep being friends with her but her actions lead me to think she doesn't want to kick it what should i do guys yeah she's she's confusing you she sucks you're not with her don't be her friend you don't have to be her friend be friends with other people that's what's gonna get you over her hanging out with your ex doesn't help you move on past your ex. Yeah, the majority of people that still want to hang out is just like,

oh, let's stay friends and then maybe we'll get back into a relationship with each other. The end. Usually the person who gets broken up with, I feel like, wants to remain friends. Oh, all right. Well, yeah, let's just stay friends.

Yeah. I'm good. You know, the reason I broke up is because I wanted to make other friends other girlfriends other people that I want to sleep with that don't make me feel sad and mad

do you still want to be my friend now? now that I'm telling you that I don't like you alright there it is there's the harsh truth tough love baby sorry Pete then you can say ha for real

and not my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like me anymore ha I don't give a fuck about my girlfriend I don't return her text

ha well ex-girlfriend sorry ex-girlfriend the ha stance the ha stance the most turned down podcast of the year alright ready

yeah question number two do you have a name uh i already said which one did i say pikachu yeah uh bulbasaur all right bulbasaur writes hey guys i'm a girl who's turning 18 soon and my family's religion is really becoming frustrating in the relationship department to a point at which I can't cope anymore. Basically, the rule is no sex before marriage, but also no relationships before either. Also, no kissing, hugging, holding hands, no boyfriends or boyfriend activities. Before you ask, these things would sort of be allowed if you were engaged or planning on a marriage. I kept all of these rules because

I love my family, Bulbasaur. Well, Bulbasaur, first of all, what religion is like no anything? She can't hold anyone's hand unless they're engaged. Your parents don't understand how courting works. Even if they want you to, no sex before marriage, fine, I understand. I mean, I don't. That's dumb as fuck. But you've heard it before.

I've heard it before. I've heard it before. But I'm not allowed to touch a boy's hand or know boyfriend activities unless he's my husband. Yeah, it sounds like some sort of arrangement deal. Yeah, but it's so backwards. You don't get engaged without touching someone's hand. Unless it's an arranged marriage. Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, no. no oh honey oh honey but even then don't you touch the guy's hand you do have to take his hand in marriage there's no courtship

at all i don't know i guess in arranged marriages they're not either way what would you do if you were her oh i all right so yeah sorry aside from picking apart your parents' religion. You just do what anybody does. You just lie to your parents. This girl's never heard of lying. Okay, wait, what do you mean lying? So I disagree with my parents' beliefs on this, but I love them so much. Right. You know, my parents didn't want me to do anything either.

They were kind, loving, nice people who didn't want me to skip school. They didn't want me to go out and drink. They didn't want me to smoke weed. They didn't want me to go out and drink. They didn't want me to smoke weed. They didn't want me to have sex. I just did it all, and I didn't tell them. There's a crazy loophole here. Because your parents would be really upset if they found out you were having sex. But you can have –

So tell me more about this lying thing. What does that entail? So pretend you're my mom, and you don't want me to have sex. Do you have sex? Did you have sex? No. Oh. okay and i'm proud of you now so that way you don't tell her the truth and she's not mad at you normal people lie to their parents i realized how irresponsible this advice is how old are you maybe you shouldn't be having sex he says i'm a girl who's turning 18 soon. Oh, I mean, I guess I lost my virginity before then. Let's not advocate sex.

Let's just advocate lying to your parents. Right, shit. I don't even know what to do. But I think you have to understand that at a certain point, you have responsibility for your own life. And if you have different religious views, you don't necessarily subscribe to theirs. You don't have to live your life by their standards.

Yeah, lying is good because it allows you to do what you want and then you don't have to tell your parents about it. Right, if you're very scared of the reaction. Right, that way when you lie, they don't know about it. They hear what they think is the truth, but it's actually not the truth. I'd like to hear what you do in this situation, actually.

I would probably be so frightened that I wouldn't tell my parents anything. But would you be touching a girl's hand? I don't know. It's hard for me to put myself in this situation where I'm like, I was raised in such a strict household. I don't know how... I mean, my parents are much more conservative than I am.

So in that way, I've done stuff that my parents don't like me to do. All right. I still think you're dodging the question a little bit. I'll say that. The podcast is called If I Were You and your exact words were, it's hard for me to be putting myself in your shoes.

So yeah, I don't know. My life was like this. You do this. And meanwhile, I told a 17-year-old to fuck around and tell her parents she's not the podcast is called if i were you and you just answered i don't know it's hard for me to put yourself in your shoes in fact i give up i think i might put you on blast for that because uh the whole point of the show is that you do put yourself in other people's i actually

yeah we're recording this podcast for thursday It's Wednesday evening. This is officially, and it's a Wednesday evening blast. A late, late, late Wednesday night blast-a-thon. Just sneaking in right before the early, early Thursday blast. No, I'm a fan of selective truth-telling. All right. I don't know about outright lying, but definitely you don't have to disclose everything. Very well. And then also you might want to consider on a

larger level, leaving this religion seems like a not good one in the grand scheme of religions. There's ones that are deece, ones that are less so, and the rule of no relationships before sex, no kissing,

no hugging, no holding hands, no boyfriends or boyfriend activities. It's a little egregious there. It sounds a little restrictive. Here's the guiding principle that we should always be looking at, that God is not real. There is no such thing as the afterlife. Might as well maximize

happiness while you're here on Earth, rather than restricting yourself to get into a heaven that may or may not exist. Very well. So the religions that are very, very strict. Yeah. The ones that are like, don't touch a boy until you use your husband. The ones that seem to go against the evolutionary purpose of reproduction. Cast those aside.

There's other religions that are just like, eh, yeah, you know. Let's put this religion in the maybe pile. I'll put this religion on blast. I really will. Fuck the maybe pile.'ll put this religion on blast i really will the baby pile the hell no pile pun not intended because i am going to hell according to this person's religion if there is one which there's not oh the hell hell heaven whatever this is all there is, man. Just me and you right now. Can't we just enjoy this? We at least think this is real.

Shit. All right. That's all we got to do. If we were you, we would lie to your parents. Also, consider leaving your parents for good. There it is. Do you think your parents could be loving and caring and have all these strict rules? Yeah, of course.

I mean, they love their daughter and they think their religion is the right religion and they want her to go to heaven and... All that jazz. Yeah, it makes sense. I appreciate that they're loving parents, devoted parents to their religion and their children. I think their beliefs are silly and childish,

but I think that they come from a good place. I wonder why some people are raised in a strict household and they grow up to be strict people and some people are like wait a minute this is crazy i feel like uh the more like the more recent generations are like now that they have the internet they realize that like the world is bigger than yeah i i often felt like that when i was growing up like like do you know anybody who's more conservative than their parents no and but i think what happens is a lot of the kids who had who came from strict households when i was growing up became like they were the wildest ones right and then but now they're like settling down and becoming strict themselves because they got themselves into so much trouble because they

were rebelling so hard so the strict parents cause crazy kids, which then in turns causes strict parents again. Right, because I think if you do go crazy and you go too hard, then you're like, oh my god, I don't want anybody I love to do that. You learn it the hard way. Right. I don't know. I think being too strict is a problem. But I mean, also, what do I know?

I'll never be in love or have children, so take everything with a grain of salt. I'm going to have children. The size of a frickin' boulder, actually. I'm going to have children, man. What's that? I'm going to have children. All right. Jesus.

You said I wasn't going to be in love or have children. And? And it felt like a blast. Yeah, it definitely was a blast. It should have felt like a blast. All right. It should have felt like a blast yeah it definitely was a blast it should have felt like a blast it should have felt like a huge explosion your eyebrows should be off right now it was that big of a blast it was a goddamn backdraft it wasn't well it wasn't appreciated and in fact i i'm gonna introduce something right now but i'd like to run your neck what yep you're gonna squeeze you're gonna choke me no no no it's

not that it's uh you know i don't know if it's a it's a thing that anyone aside from me and uh kids from hamden know oh when you like squeeze my neck from behind or like push your fingers against like running your neck like i put my palm down on the nape of your neck and then i swipe fast like a credit card like listen to this to this. Yeah. Did you hear that? People at home did not hear it. Did they hear that? I don't know. Let's hope they did.

So you just, you pull your hand really fast towards you. Yeah, you sandpaper it almost. So what it is, is when somebody's been a nerd or a loser for example wrong and in uh in a actually i'm not sure i wouldn't really run your neck in that situation it's sort of like you have to be proven wrong it's such like a distinct pain like just a quick little burning bruise i remember to like uh if you you did something like oh shit it's like i don't even know uh like there's a code of ethics to this running yeah well because yeah if you if you did something like, oh, shit, it's like, I don't even know. There's a code of ethics to this running? Yeah.

Well, because, yeah, if you've done something, like, stupidly wrong, you... This whole thing sounds stupidly wrong to me. Right, like, I mean, now I'm trying to explain run your neck and I can't. So for this, you could run my neck. That's the beauty. You just wasted everybody's time. You're stupid. I'm going to run it. My neck deserves

to be run right now it ran so like well you have to you'd have to get behind me you keep doing it but i don't think people can understand what it is we'll have to make a video i'm a neck run this is a dave rosenberg special another dave rosenberg special another reason we should have him on the show can't wait all. All right, question number three. Yeah. I think this one's from another lady. Do you have a female Pokemon name? I don't think they have any sex. They're androgynous?

Charmander. All right, Charmandress writes. Yeah, sure. So I've been seeing this guy for about two months. It was ob's casual at first. And then once things started to heat up a little, I kind of started the, so what are we conversation, and he labeled us as exclusive. And just a few days ago, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend at a party.

Here's my conundrum, though. He never pays for me when we go out. He always asks for a separate bill. I feel like a guy should pay for a girl's dinner every now and then. And that's also why I was confused about whether maybe he just saw me as a friend with benefits. I'm only 21, but am I being old-fashioned? He's great. We both get along great and definitely have feelings for each other.

I really like everything else about him, but I can't help but thinking that maybe he's cheap. I don't want to seem like a gold digger. I get that we're both students and have our own bills to pay, but he never even offers. And it's making me question if I'm not worth it to him. Here's where I need advice. How and when should I bring up this paying situation without being awkward or him feeling humiliated? Or is this something just worth breaking up over? Love the show and the making fun part, but please don't forget to give the actual advice after.

Wow. This is great because it's a prime example of somebody needing to have their neck run you think so i think i should run her neck really yeah really run her neck i for real i for real do see you side with the guy her options are like when should i bring this up or should i break up with him yeah those are the only two options or is there a chance you don't bring it up and it's fine? You don't conform to these awful societal norms that we've put down from generations ago? Huh? Huh?

I thought you were a feminist. Equal opportunity and all that jazz. Here's what I'll say. Here's my piece. I'm sorry. You always read the questions and then I'll say. Actually, you go first. I'm sorry. You go first. You always read the questions and then I just talk. Yeah.

And I feel like it's unfair because you don't get to give advice first. Well, here's the sticky situation. All right, here's what I'm going to say. In a perfectly egalitarian society, every bill is split.

But at the same time, there is this understood thing that a guy should offer to pay. And this guy does not offer to pay. And it is a little bit bothersome. And so I sort of side with the girl at this point. Interesting. Yeah.

Wow. I think he should at least offer. I didn't see this coming. I agree. I mean, here's the thing. If it's me, if I'm the guy in this relationship, I do offer to pay. When I'm in a relationship, I pay, I would say, 80 to 90% of the time. And every once in a while, when I've been paying for so long and the girl's insisting, absolutely insisting that she pay. You still don't let it because you know what?

You have rules and you have rights and you have polite manners. Being a gentleman, it's actually not gentlemanly. If someone is like, please let me pay. And you say, no, no, no, I insist. And they say, no, really, I is like please let me pay and you say no no i insist and they say no really i really want to pay and then you say absolutely not i'll pay she says i'll pay that's what like that's enough i'm gonna pay and that's not a nice gesture you took that wasn't gentlemanly because you took that away from her you can be so nice that it becomes rude it's like a circle i think the the the correct thing to do is offer, is try to, you know, what is it? Run her neck?

Deflect the offer once. She said, let me pay. Say, no, no, no, please, I'll pay. She said, I would really like to pay. I really appreciate that then. Thank you very much. So they really like to pay. That's when you go for it.

The second attempt. The second attempt, you graciously accept. However, this is, I mean, I'm going on, this is a tangent. My neck should be run. I should absolutely be run for this. You can run my neck if you want to after the show. I think it's too weird though.

So, all right. So here's what I'm saying. One, I agree with you. This guy should be at least offering to pay. But two, you can't bring it up. You can't bring it up. I think that makes you too small, petty, and especially if you're saying you're not a gold digger, it does make you seem like you're sort of a prissy bitch.

I'm not even going to say for lack of a better word because that's the exact word that I wanted to use. It makes you seem like a prissy bitch. Meaning? That you're just like, I expect to be paid paid for i expect to be wined and dined right i don't think anyone should expect it i think that that's like you know that is the way of society and it's and it's okay to like that but i think it's not okay to expect it right so do you think it's okay to think it but not necessarily to verbalize it yeah i think that it's like it's it's on him not on her to tell to tell him because she can't do it because

then if he does it because of her then it's even worse than uh it's just not a nice situation to be in right because you're forcing it for you don't want like him to scowl throw his car down be like yeah fine i'll pay and then it's like a sore subject yeah because then he's and then every time he pays from then on even if it seems like he wants to it's like a sore subject yeah because then he's and then every time he pays from then on even if it seems like he wants to it's also kind of because you told him that one time right maybe wait it out and then the one time he does do it it's gonna seem like a much bigger deal if he ever does do it you make you see you get so appreciative you say this is so nice and hopefully that makes him be like oh i like to make her feel like this. I'm going to do it. Here's another thing you could do.

She could offer first to pay for something. I want to pay for you. I wanted to take you out to dinner. Like if something gets anything exciting in his life happens, you say, I'd like to take you out for this and then you pay. And then he's in his mind. He's like, I should take her out someday, too. Yeah.

Plants the seed of chivalry in his mind. Yeah, returning the favor. And then when he does, that's great. You'd be excited. You'd be thankful, appreciative. And then you guys just go back and forth, taking care of each other's bills every once in a while. And then someday you'll forget who did it first. And you'll say, oh, my goodness, he was always chivalrous.

I don't even remember the time i wrote into a podcast and called him a cheapskate and i don't even remember the time i called you a prissy bitch so it never happened so you might as well not even get me angry at me for it yay it all worked out um yeah it's you can't bring it up without it being awkward or him feeling humiliated that's the answer. Yep. Is it something worth just breaking up over? No. Wow, which is rare.

Our default is always to say break up with a person. Well, yeah. I mean, if you're 21, you'll break up with him now. But not over this. Wait until he really fucks up. It is a weird gray area of like you want to be equal opportunity. Guys and girls are equal but at the same time you all it's also polite to pay if you're a guy but it's like right it's like reverse sexism in a way i think there's like a new age chivalry where it's like it's not like the olden

days when it was like the guy pays it's like oh this is kind of nice throwback the guy pays yeah like that's cool this is this is nice and the girl can get something later you know uh you know what else is a good system like the guy pays for like the a meal and then like the girl pays for like dessert right that way you're both getting something free it but you're also paying guy pays for the meal girls pay girl pays for the movie or yeah it's for the valet parking if there was that at your restaurant i live in los angeles now so you guys understand or like i'm always thinking about valet. In LA, it's all valet. Valet in the valet.

If a guy pays for a meal, then he should get sex in return or something. That's what I'm talking about. Or even if we just go straight to prostitution, the guy can just pay for sex. Then you don't even need fucking food. You just give money for a blowjay. That's the future.

And then you're saving calories too, so you're starting to look cut. Take that, Bulbasaur's parents. We're all getting blown for money now. We're all going to hell now. This is your Jack Nicholson now that you live in LA. Oh, yeah. Here's Johnny

I guess that's pretty good oh my give me the bat Wendy give me the bat light of my life Wendy let's take that break break you said you were gonna

tell my mom off for serving the same food. Yeah. Because my parents have been feeding you dinner. I was super appreciative of what's, I mean, when did I get here? On Saturday, Sunday? Saturday, yeah, yeah. Saturday.

And since then, they've been feeding me. Yeah. It's been really. Doing your laundry and setting up your bed. Yeah. And I appreciate that. And I will just say that for the past three dinners, there was...

You've kept your mouth shut. No, I haven't kept it shut. It's just, it's been, you know, there was couscous on, would you say there was couscous on the evening? Yeah, Israeli couscous. Yeah. And then Monday evening, what did we have?

Yeah, there was still some couscous leftovers. We had couscous, my mom made chicken. And then tonight, yeah, okay. There was chicken. There was, yeah, of course. And then tonight there was pasta. There was fish. And there was carrots, cauliflower.

What was that? The last thing. I guess there was still a little bit of couscous left over. So I was going to say, I was just going to say during dinner, I was maybe going to stand up. If there's couscous tomorrow, I was going to stand up and I was going to say, Rivka, I was maybe going to stand up. If there's couscous tomorrow, I was going to stand up and I was going to say, Rivka, I see what you're doing here.

You're making it look like you prepared this big spread. But it's clear to me that you made the couscous on Sunday and you keep on serving it as if it's a brand new fucking dish. Yeah. And I don't understand why you're trying to keep up this rouge,, ruse, ruse, this ruse, ruse, because the couscous is red. But I don't appreciate it, nor do I respect it. Yeah, and I was trying to tell you that maybe during dinner or ever is not the best time to do it. Just because it's such a, it's not even a thing that she, like, you're putting this narrative on it that she's trying to pass it off as food.

But it's not necessarily the case. We have leftovers all the time. My mom makes food and it lasts for a couple days and then she introduces a new dish and we'll have that as the main course and then feast off the leftovers as sides. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you get that?

Sorry, my eyes are glazed over. I actually started imagining the couscous tomorrow and I slipped into a white rage. I will not sit at that dinner table. I think I'll make a stink. Can we edit out the part where I said rouge, ruse? Everything else can stay. I don't want anyone to think that I said a rouge, ruse.

The no God part, that's chill. Yeah, calling the girl a bitch. The pretty bitch part, fine. That can stay. The calling your mom... Unappreciated or not a good chef. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. But I said rouge ruse, and that's a little too shameful to say.

I'd also like to tighten up the part where we were talking about run your neck to make it sound like I explained it well. Yeah, just like a super quick, efficient explanation. We should talk about our live shows. Oh, yeah. First of all, we have a live podcast coming up on Thursday, January 30th. And as we said in the last episode, the theater's not very big. We actually already sold out of the pre-sale tickets, the tickets that you can actually buy online. Boom, ta-da. Thank you guys who bought tickets. Yeah, over 100. 105 have already gone. So hopefully those people all show up. But there's room in the

theater for a standby line so people can come by even without tickets, wait in the standby line. And if you get there pretty much like an hour beforehand, odds are you'll have enough room to at least be shuffled in and enjoy the show as well. Very, very true. We also have two shows coming up with Streeter. Three shows. Oh, yeah. One in Nashville on Monday, February 17th. Yep.

In Nashville at Zany's Comedy Club. So you can go there and check that out. And then on Tuesday, the next day, we're going to be in Charlotte at the Charlotte Comedy Zone, I believe it's called. Go to their website for tickets. And then the day after that, on a Wednesday, we're going to be in Syracuse at Syracuse University with Dan. The first two shows are just with Streeter and that last show in Syracuse with Dan. And Streeter. The weirdest tour of all.

The mid-February Nashville, Charlotte, Syracuse, back to back to back. This is the big one. It's all I've ever wanted. So that'll be exciting. We've never performed at any, no, have we done Syracuse? No, never. All right, we never performed at any of those shows, so it'll be fun if you guys could come and check that out.

Please do. I don't know how many fans we have in Nashville and Charlotte and Syracuse. I assume Syracuse was going to be really lovely that time it's going to be february 19th that's great because i mean it's already negative nine there now yeah so let's see what another month into winter gets yeah i wonder how deep down the polar vortex we will go that in six weeks of snow and blizzard like conditions uh we chose the right month to move to los Angeles is what we're trying to say so yeah that's it should we try to answer that last last question

final one one last one give me that last name Squirtle what? Squirtle I think that's the way that Pokemon said it Squirtle can you explain to me Pokemon real quick

I don't understand Pokemon. It's a guy who's trying to catch, capture them. Do you think I'm a fucking loser? I knew the name of four Pokemon. Yeah, but you knew, first of all, you knew how to say squirtle in a specific Pokemon. I do know not much about Pokemon. I think it's like a guy trying, there's like, they use these animals to battle and you have to catch them and then they do battle against each other.

You explained it perfectly. Yeah. And I guess there's like a Charizard band or some shit. You knew Charizard. Everybody knows more Pokemon than they think. That's the beauty. That's the beautiful part about Pokemon. Gotta catch them all.

It does have a great theme song. Yeah. All right. Ready? Charizard. It does have a great theme song. Yeah. All right, ready? Charizard? Oh, no, Squirtle. Squirtle! I'm so embarrassed, even if that's the right way to do it. You're more embarrassed if it's the right way.

Oh, yeah. All right, so... Squirtle! Right? I hate myself. So, for the Christmas break, I returned home for a couple of weeks from university. Last week, it was time to go back, and as I had brought most of my clothes from my student hall, I had to take them back again with me.

My dad's car is pretty small, and the suitcase took up the whole trunk, as well as the back passenger seats. Since both my parents always insist on coming back with me whenever I have to go back to university, it meant that my mother had to sit on my lap. Now, I'm not saying that I have sexual feelings for my mother. That's gross. During the ride, though, I couldn't help but get a boner. I blame the bumpy journey. The worst part is, I think she noticed, because after the ride, she looked at me pretty funny and didn't speak much what should i do jesus christ oedipus rex this question's complex have edible sex an edible hex um jesus well what did oedipus do uh he killed his dad oh yeah i think he well no he blinded

himself he didn't kill himself he killed his dad and fucked his mom didn't he oh yeah i mean that's what happens he like in oedipus he's he's prophesied to that one day he's going to kill his father and marry his mother. Yeah. So they sent him far, far away to another kingdom. But I guess, oh shit. You know what? You're explaining Pokemon now. So they send him away.

Oh fuck, I wish I could remember. They send him away and something happens. Because they sent him away, their carriage gets captured and he like comes back and like someday he has no idea that he's like an orphan that was cast away and he like wins like some battle kills the king and marries the queen and little does he know that's his mother and he killed his dad oh i see so he inadvertently did it it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy yeah Yeah, yeah, exactly. Anyway, when he finds out that he did that, I think he kills his mom and then blinds himself. Or maybe his mom kills herself and then he blinds himself. What I'm saying is you need to cut out your eyes.

In summation, slit your eyes out. That'll change the situation. I don't know what to... Yeah, part of me is like, yeah some like if there's there's weight on your lap like squishy fleshy weight yeah and there's like a bumpy and there's and things are bumping and things are grinding then you will get a boner my problem lies within that you allowed yourself in this situation where your mom was sitting on your lap why not say mom sit on dad's lap i'll drive why not say i won't pack as much shit why not sit on top of the suit there's a million things

you could have done that you didn't have to be in this situation it's the weird thing it's not in the email but i inferred that this is an 11 hour drive it's clear to me now that more than ever that this is an 11 hours and he nutted I think he left that out that he fucking nutted on his mom's buttocks. Oh. Oh, no, mom, turn this off. There's no. Mom, this podcast is over. This is the last question.

Don't turn it down. Turn it off. We had a good run. I'm going to talk about other kids boning their mothers now. This is rated NY, a.k.a. not for you. All right. Cheers, cherry-o yo i hope you make it to visit grandpa mama all right goodbye uh what do i do well there's nothing to do at this point

you got the boner don't bring it up hope you know what you have to do is just convince yourself that she didn't notice yeah she probably didn't she just looked at you funny because she sat on your lap for a car ride that's weird she didn't feel the boner i think you felt the boner more intensely than anybody else sitting on top of you felt the boner oh no why not the other way around shouldn't you sit on your mommy's lap that would have been better because even then if you if you got the boner you would have just felt it in yourself and i don't know yeah and that way if she got hot like you couldn't you couldn't feel her slippery little vag oh no mom please fucking turn it off drive off the road at this point please just swerve off the accident will make it so you don't remember i'm gonna run your neck right now so now i definitely don't get it because

that that i didn't mess up yes you did that was was wrong to tell my mother to swerve off the road. Worse than saying that when you sit on your mom's lap, she gets a slippery V? I don't know, man. A fucking crocodile mile down there? We'll figure it out. A slip and slide? Run your, you're right. Run your eyes.

I put myself on blast. Run your eyes. You know what? You fucked up. You put yourself in this situation. You deserve to have a real sit-down conversation about the boner and what it meant. Oh, no. There's not much to say about this one.

It's just a funny, silly question. Yeah. What an awful situation to be in. But you're at school now. It's over. Your mom didn't notice. Forget it. Don't tell anyone. Just don It's over. Your mom didn't notice. Forget it. Don't tell anyone.

Just don't pack as much shit next time. Yeah. Don't sit on your mom's lap. Don't have her sit on your lap again. That's all we can do. Moving forward, we've learned our lesson. Don't do this. Everybody has a secret that they wouldn't tell anyone ever.

A piece of information that's in your brain that when you die will be lost forever you have one of those i have one of those what is it oh my god i want to know i'm sure you have some too i don't think i do you have a secret that's so bad that only you know i'll search myself i'll find it i'll access this little drawer. I must. This little memory box. I must have one. I must, I must, I must have a secret. I've done some dark shit. Don't get me wrong. The problem is that I'm so open

about it that I tell everyone. Oops. My life is an open book that no one should read. And that book is smut. I don't deserve to be an author. I'm a little dirty ass. I'm a dirty ass.

I'm an unwiped dirty ass. All right. You know what? That's quite enough from us, actually. This is more than our time, actually. There we go. Thank you guys so much. It's our first bonus thursday episode

in a while we appreciate you listening to it our last episode was actually our most listened to first day episode ever so thanks for uh continuing to come back and spread the word uh we're still accepting uh emails from you guys that it's that's from if i were you show at gmail.com and also custom theme song every episode opens and closes with a custom theme song that first one is from audrey scott put that in your itunes review and smoke it actually you don't even have to smoke it as long as you put that in an itunes review as long as it's five stars um we try to make itunes reviews cool all the cool kids are leaving a review. Prove us wrong. That first one's from

Audrey Scott, aka the band 6C. This last one is from a guy who asked to remain anonymous. Wow. Yeah, because he put some radio personalities on blast, and he didn't want anybody to know who it was. I can't wait to hear this.

So, yeah, that's it. Enjoy the outro song, and thanks so much for listening. We'll be back on Monday. Nope. Never again. Ass. If Garrison Keillor or Ira Glass Had a little bit of talent or a little bit of class If Peter Sagal were click and clack

Weren't just a bunch of useless hacks They know the best show on the radio Is not so much on the radio The best program that you'll ever hear Hosted by two guys named Jake and Amir If I were you, show.com. All together. If I were youoom.com. So visit LegalZoom to save on all your legal needs, like wills for $69, LLCs for $99, plus

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