Segments - 510: Jake and Amir Lightning Round

Episode Date: October 18, 2021

We're back and trying to answer as many of your quick questions as humanly possible. Some are about sandwiches, and some are about less important topics.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do.

I'd listen to these unprofessionals here tender girls deluxe and suicidal starbucks so let's bring it on down with Jake and Amir Perfect It was light, it was catchy It was long, but not too long It was quick But not terribly quick Do you know what I mean? It was a good length of time

For a theme song Thank you I felt like I was kind of Filling the silence It kind of filling the silence because you were yeah it's not filling this you're staring dead-eyed into the zoom i felt like i needed to vamp because you had i'm ready i'm ready yeah say who's it's so that themes i was covering your ass thank you that song and for me to do that on your own forget it i won't say who wrote it because now you took that person's time that yeah that time

is gone so i'm sorry to blink okay i don't have the mental bandwidth and energy that you don't have the acuity yeah that's correct that's correct That's correct. That's why I was vamping. That is why I was vamping. My name is Michael Cortez, and I met you recently at the We're the Millers showing. That was not recently. You found this. This is an old email. That's right.

As of recently, I've decided to search theme instead of song, and some people wrote us emails saying, here's my submission for a theme uh that one was written in 2013 yeah that's when we went that's when we went on that uh meet the millers or where the millers what was it um that was where the millers it was a a movie that came out eight or nine years ago and college humor had a ad campaign wherein me and you would show up to different cities introduce the movie and that's it it was a very that was maybe the easiest fucking gig we ever had because it wasn't making a video we didn't have to actually perform we had to show up at the movie and just say here's the movie and then we i think

like a couple cities were like hey we don't really know what we're doing here and they asked us to do it because we also there was no oversight there wasn't anybody from the agency or brand there or anything it was just me you and yes i think marty sold it as an ad campaign to sort of like send us to exciting cities for free. And we would get paid to like party in Seattle and then introduce a movie. Then party in Portland and introduce the movie. And then I remember by the time we got to LA, we were so tired and hungover and sad that it was like a Monday night raining in LA movie screening of We're the Millers. And then the next day we had to go to San Diego or something.

Yeah, we ended up seeing the movie like four times because we needed to introduce the movie and then sit through it. And then I think we did like meet and greet after the movie or something. We like took photos with people. Your parents came to the LA one. Yes, they did. They were very proud of me to introduce a movie I had nothing to do with. Yeah, that's really funny.

So thanks to Michael. Sorry we didn't get to it until 2021. But hopefully you're still alive, you're still listening, and you're still enjoying the film. We're the Millers, starring Ted Lasso, right? Yeah, Jason Sudeikis and Jen Aniston. God, what a film. People don't talk about that movie enough anymore.

I feel like everyone's like, let's talk about Dune or Succession or some shit. For as many times as I saw that movie, I couldn't tell you what it's about. I have no recollection. I think there's an RV at some point. Yeah, I think it's a shitty family pretending to point yeah i think i saw it's a shitty family pretending to be a different family but it's oh they're not a family it's like four con artists

working together to pretend to be a family for some reason oh that sounds familiar let's show up and like we'll say we're a real family and then by the end they actually do become the chosen family a real family now i'm getting all fucking choked up about it i don't even special special film for that time i'm not even 100 sure it's right what you said but it made you cry yeah uh okay so here we go uh this is another classic lightning round edition of if i were you the only advice pod on the WOD, hosted by Odd. I'm God. And I'm God. Nice.

No, I'm God. Yeah. We should say that, for whatever reason, the venue in New York City, Gramercy Theater, we're doing live shows. This comes out Monday. We're doing live shows on Friday and Saturday. Some of the live shows were sold out, and the venue said, you know what? Here's 25 more tickets that just became available yeah they just do that what to to drum up excitement or something yeah maybe it's like oh it was sold out but now it's not so if you're interested in attending uh we're doing a head gum live podcast a head gum podcast live i should say we're doing it there's a dough boys there's a nad

pod there's a high and mighty power hour uh and there's probably tickets available for all four if not at least two of those shows um yeah you can go to headgum.com live check it out and we'll be there hanging out the entire time so it's not just a show it's a it'll be a party i assure you it's an event it's a gathering yes and with your chosen family miller's style it's the first gathering since the plandemic so it should be fun plandemic i really hate that you shoved the l in there oh come on i mean it just makes sense doesn't it doesn't it actually just make sense if you think about it yeah definitely had to have been a plan and it all went off without a hitch it was perfect if it was a plan i feel like the guy or team that executed it must be really pumped about how it went that was like

they really altered human history forever with that plan yeah definitely definitely worked if it was a plan i feel like the person or team behind it would want to take credit for it like the team yeah you're like i guess i did it like it took eight years to come up with this disease and i mean give me my props give me daps for that it's like the guy who killed osama bin laden at first it was a secret and then after four years he's like fuck it i want free beers for life i did it i shot the fucker and now i would go on podcast and talk about it. Right.

That makes sense. That makes sense. It feels like at this point, you know, no matter what, like who was behind it or not, like if whatever, where we are now can't have been the intended thing from the plan. Right. Oh, you think so? Yeah. The plan stopped after like a few weeks and now

it's like taken on a life of its own right it yeah it almost feels so even if this was like sort of uh somebody's decision it it's almost like those like wildfires or something it's like caught on a little too much yeah now i'm starting to feel bad about the plan yeah yeah i wanted it to be like a seasonal flu of sorts i wanted it to be over yeah i could they couldn't have planned uh america's resistance to the vaccine they couldn't have planned making taking a vaccine political right nobody knew nobody knew that we would be so undervaxxed and under maxed that we that we would fucking band together get a cure for the disease and then half the country would be like nah the old thanks but no thanks right that's there's no way anybody could have planned for that um although if you were i guess if you were paying attention the last five years it does

make a whole lot of sense maybe it's it's i don't know everything's everything's so good that's the best part and that's why we're answering questions today so for example here's one uh written by chili aka chilton has jake been growing out his hair in order to be hard one surefoot for halloween talk about a long plan a long con a long course of action have you been not cutting your hair since march of 2020 just to pull off a costume that's not far from the truth a couple things one hard one surefoot my dnd character who is um tall jacked has a huge beard incredible thick hair uh that's long that he wears in braids uh i came up with him because that's the kind of that's like the aesthetic that i idolize i want that like thor look you know um a hands sorts. Yeah. So there's like, the desire to grow out my hair came before Hard One.

Hard One was born of the desire to grow out my hair. The pandemic gave me the excuse to get through that awkward stage. You know, where... The bowl cut. Yeah, the bowl cut. And have you seen photos and videos of yourself from like September of 2020? And you're like oh wow i forgot my hair was that for like three to five months september of 2020 so yeah

just like pretty like seven months into the pandemic yeah and it's funny because i i remember then thinking my hair was long but i had no idea what was to come now it's basically yeah down to my shoulders um so and then the other part of the question is that once i got to this length i started growing my beard again i usually grow my beard for like three months and then i shave it all off and then i grow it for three or four months and shave it all off i'm not like a trim it to keep it an even length guy yeah um but as it got longer i think now it's almost four months um i was like i could have i could basically look like doing i'm doing hard one cosplay for the nadpod live show right that's what i'm doing not quite halloween but i am trying to channel his vibe for the live show although isn't Hard One gone and now you're a new character?

That's correct. But Hard One, usually when we do a live show, we'll be like the band of boobs. I don't know. I don't know what we're doing yet for our live show, but I feel like, you know, no matter what, it's going to be good to look like Hard One for the NAD fans. Interesting. Interesting.

Okay. There's another question. MrTieDye1 says, do you guys still keep in touch with anyone from the OGCH crew? Pat Streeter, Sarah, Dan, etc. Oh, you know, I was actually, I was with Sarah this morning, and we ran into someone who was a fan of the College Humor videos. Must have freaked that person the fuck out. Yeah. She was like, oh my God, I didn't know you guys still kept in touch.

She didn't even know we still lived in New York. But yeah, it must have been really weird to be like, oh, look, they're still there. They're hanging out. So yeah, I see. I mean, I see sarah a decent amount i keep in touch with everyone i saw dan last week um i haven't seen streeter though i haven't seen streeter in a minute yeah i've been texting with him and he was in la for a little bit but we couldn't meet up but yeah um streeter's busy at snl i i mean i still text with um some of these folks and hope to see them as soon as travel opens up in the new world yeah like when i go to new york for the live show head gum.com slash live yeah maybe they'll be there i saw pat last week too

you know really i see yeah i see folks We could convince people to come to the show. That way we can have a mini reunion of sorts. That'd be tight. Here's another question by Twerk Cobain. Good name. Did looking at older content in Jake and Amir, watch Jake and Amir on your Patreon, impact the writing process for the new videos?

And if so, were there any notes or lessons you learned during that series that you specifically kept in mind when working on new stuff? Hmm. I definitely think it helped. It certainly helped us stay sharp, I think. Yeah, get in the mindset of those characters again. Yeah, because on the Patreon, we watch and grade.

We pick apart and we look at old scripts and we look at production notes and stuff. So it does feel like we're taking a class on how to revamp Jake and Amir. And when we wrote the Halloween, I don't know if it's a spoiler or whatever, but we shot another Halloween costumes episode that's going to come out. And we watched all the old ones. And I think it was partially watching Halloween costumes, the one with Opa, that made us laugh so much. That made us want to write another one. Yeah, when I'm sad and in a sad mustache. It's a very funny character.

Yeah. Opa leads a suicidal style life, actually. Opa's sad of himself. Yeah, it's definitely helped us keep in character, keep sharp, and in the mindset of the scripts that we're writing. There's some of these that we've answered, I'm sure. What is the best sauce and what is the best pasta shape? You've already gone on record with these, right?

Yeah, I've waxed on this. I think vodka sauce is the best pasta shape. Or no, sorry, vodka sauce is the best pasta sauce. Actually, vodka sauce is the best pasta sauce actually vodka sauce is the best shape it's like little jars of vodka sauce as the shape and then for the best sauce i'll choose angel hair sauce that's not bad and then of course pipe regatta that's the best shape i i've talked extensively about that and you you like a ruot you like a wheel style pasta with a thin water sauce you say i didn't say that yeah you mix water thin water sauce no basically a wash and you eat it the oil that comes out of ketchup first as the sauce. And as for the shape, the box that a spaghetti comes in. So I'll sort of fill it up with the ketchup oil pre-cum.

Jesus Christ. The oil, ketchup oil pre-cum is a really good name for your album. Here's an interesting one. No Intelligence writes, dream casting for a jake and amir biopic so we're doing a show about our lives who plays us in that show i mean it's pretty obvious to me that i would be played by my doppelganger chris hemsworth as i've mentioned we have the that's what you would look that's similar like in at age 25 i guess he's a little older now he's like 37 or 30 yeah we're talking about like a show about the we were both young you were sort of pale and chubby you were kind of a flabby

little pre-teen i think you put i you, don't say that about me. I think you put like. Please don't make fun of me. Please, please, please knock that off. You'd be Paul Dano and I'd be Paul Dano. You know, I think Hemsworth in a fucking yellow belt. Are you kidding me? The yellow belt era, Jake and Amir.

Hemsworth in costume looking like me. Wearing a red stripe t-shirt and bell-bottom jeans. Boot cut denim. Yeah, I don't know. Who would I be? DJ Qualls. He's so all these people are older than me

DJ Qualls is definitely in his mid 40s I guess Timothee Chalamet could disappear into the role thank you I do often consider myself a Chalamet type Timothee Chalamet and Jake Paul and Marty Michael as Jake wow can consider myself a chalamet type timothy chalamet and jake paul and marty michael as jake wow you don't hate that i do actually marty as salvatore as you

marty is a god it's so funny that he's in the videos as salvatore and also in investor meetings. Yeah, we saw your video and we're not going to give you any money. That's fair. Okay, here's a quickie by Justin Becker. Are James Bond movies confusing or am I just a fool? I think, so I saw the new Bond. That's why I asked, yeah. I was reading about it and I was reading about uh daniel craig craig's bonds and the interesting thing that i found was that he's the only bond to have all

of his movies connected and i think that's what makes them a little confusing because it was super confusing for me like these movies movies, there've been, what is it? Like five over the last 15 years or something like that? Oh, and unless you watch them, there are plot holes that you wouldn't understand.

Yeah, like I haven't seen a Bond movie in over two years and they're just talking to me about like Spectre and Blomfeld, I think, actually. Have you seen every Bond? Have you just seen like some, picked and choose? I've seen all of the Daniel Craig Bonds,

and I think I've seen, I think I might've seen all the Pierce Brosnan Bonds. Wow, the Pierce Bonds-nan. Yeah, I don't remember being like, I was like a fan of Bond when I was in seventh or eighth grade, because that's when like the Bond video game was. And then I'm just like an action movie fan. So I saw all of the Daniel Craig ones.

And I thought he was great. But I think that's why it's confusing. Because all of the other ones were like standalone films. And they've gotten like more and more confusing. It's similar thing to me with Mission Impossible. Where it's just like these vast conspiracies where everyone is in on it everyone's double crossing each other yeah and you you really start to lose perspective after a while i like a nice small self-contained movie so how did you

like bond the new one the first the first half of it was incredible the second half of it was pretty fine i overall liked it but i didn't understand what the bad guy's purpose was to blow up the world or something right yeah but he had it was very bizarre i didn't really understand what his motivation was to do that i see you just had to sort of go with the flow and assume that Bond was saving the day, but you didn't really understand why. There is also, can I do a Bond spoiler? Can I do a Bond spoiler? Okay, sure, yeah.

I mean, if you don't want it spoiled, then don't listen to this. But I think these movies cannot be spoiled because the story doesn't really matter, right? It's all just the cool action scenes. Yeah. I mean, I think there's ways to spoil this one. But there is just one part where the bad guy has Bond's, let's just say a child.

Okay. I hope nobody wanted this. All right. The bad guy has a child and he's like holding the child hostage. He like gets Bond to do what he wants. Then like Bond is gone. They're separated. And he has this child who like has all of the leverage.

The kid bites him and he's like, if you don't want my protection, you can leave. And then the kid goes. And it's like, that's fucking crazy. You had- The kid calls an Uber back to Bond. He basically like, he's on the one yard line of getting away. And then he just takes his fucking bargaining chip.

And he's like, all right, go. Go then. I don't care. Like, he's watched Bond kill all of his fucking henchmen. He needs that thing. Yeah, but he got bit. He absolutely got bit for that. Yeah.

It's a weird movie uh okay let's take a break and come back with some more q's to a after these m's nice thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do.

I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have... You're a fan of gambling. Enough. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general.

Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players.

I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six.

The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions.

Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable Pick 6 credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos.

There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.

And we're back. Hey. Here's a quick and easy one from The Adam. Are you more of a messy or a ronaldo fan oh fucking you know me major ronaldo i like them both i don't i to me there i don't feel like they are the head-to-head thing to go goat on goat you can't hate either goat but i'm more of a ronaldo fan like i love that he's back in the epl and i am obsessed with watching him and he's fucking yoked hot talented and i'll say messy because that's who should be playing me in our biopic yeah you absolutely you and messy really do look

alike it's pretty wild it's kind of cool that I look like a famous, awesome athlete. I mean, granted, he's a five-foot, eight-inch soccer stud. You're not like, you know, a basketball player or someone tall and shredded. But it's kind of nice to look like the GOAT in one of the most revered sports on Earth. Yeah, totally. one of the most revered sports on earth yeah totally maybe i'll get a fucking sleeve for halloween and get a messy jersey have you ever taken the ball out on the pitch have you ever kicked around uh a soccer ball i mean not really and i'm starting to think if there's some sort of weird cosmic connection between looking like me and just being able to dribble around the defense

like the maestro does in the americana run at full sprint while controlling the ball like fucking strides matching the kick ball never getting too far in front of you like that's really cool that you could probably do that like when i think i could probably hit a strike with either leg sort of off angle off kilter between the goalies legs or maybe off to the right top i was gonna do you feel like you have the ice in your veins it's like required for taking like a pk so i think so because a lot of it has to do with remaining calm in the situation yeah and i feel like let's let's let's play one out okay it's you you're on your national team is okay yeah it's okay feel is right or yeah wherever i'm from

you're okay right yeah you should be i don't want to let anyone down hypothetical yeah okay sorry it's all coming down to you are you going just tell me where where in the goal you're gonna kick it too high not too high but a little over the crossbar over the oh my god you couldn't even say you felt you fainted you just fainted for a second. I'm browned out at the thought of letting my countrymen down. Another pint of the old tomato oil, please. Anything to drown my wounds. The pre-cum from the ketchup, as it were.

Yeah. Here's a classic Sandy question from Noah Kutu. Grilled cheese or peanut butter and jelly? Whoa, whoa. I'll go grilled cheese. That could never disappoint. Grilled cheese is always going to be good. It's always going to feel right.

Yeah, and I'm going to go with a PB&J because I like a sweet treat more than a cheesed meat. That's really good. And don't forget the sash. And don't forget the sash. See? Are you guys willing to act opposite your coworkers in more Jeffrey the Dumbass sketches? Or is that bridge burned? And are you and Mr. James no longer on speaking terms?

According to IMA Crowner. You had a falling out with Jeff, right? But then you patched things up. You had another falling out. And now you guys are okay. We're bros again. But ultimately, we're not necessarily ever going to be friends. Yeah.

You have to keep them at an arm's length, but keep your enemies close is what they say. Yes. Enemies close, friends even further away. So this is a, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is Mickey your friend making a return to the J&A series anytime soon? Asking for a friend. I pitched that. Ask ASAP Mick.

I pitched it. I said we should do another Mickey episode, actually. It's tough because we want to hit all the classics, but at the same time, we don't want to just re-hit the classics. So we want to do a Mickey episode and a Skrull episode and a costume episode. But we also want to do some new shit as well. Yeah. I think that's,

and hopefully I think we're going to shoot, we're going to shoot when you're in New York, right? Yes. And, um, that could be a Mickey or it can be a new one or maybe one of each. Yeah.

One of each. Let's go one of each. Um, actually, why don't you throw out an idea right now and I can either confirm or reject it. Um, remember there's no bad you throw out an idea right now and I can either confirm or reject it. Um, remember, there's no bad ideas. We just need to hear, uh, what's going on.

What, what do you have? What do you have to pitch? Just, uh, it could be anything. Or a Jake and Amir idea? Jake and Amir title, colon, blank. Jake and Amir pie. That's really good. And then is it about the number or is it about the dessert?

That's the interesting thing. It's pie day, okay? That's really good. Yeah, it ties it to a month. March 14th, but you've made a pie. And then it turns, you are trying to convince me to eat it for pie day. I finally, to appease you, I take a a bite but it's an uncooked chicken pot pie and i instantly sort of cold and raw in the middle raw chicken i get food poisoning and that's

the end of the episode i love it no notes how do we make it more like split pea soup? So I'll walk in with a boiling hot pie instead of a cold one and it spills all over my face. From that point on, it's basically the old script verbatim shot in our new office. I guess that's the toughest one

because now we technically own the lease on the office that we shoot in we're a lot like and because we're doing all of the production ourselves we we aren't getting insanely ambitious like we would never write one that we were gonna set at a restaurant we would never write one that had you uh covered in blood because we're not shooting somewhere where we have a shower we can't just give it to someone who's more um organized than us and be like find us a restaurant yeah um so they have to be a little more contained not unlike my favorite bond movies um would you ever ask triforce tk would you would you ever have a listener slash viewer on the podcast for an episode that could be hard yeah it's a high risk proposition yeah i would be into a version

of it where we like did call-ins or fallen pup follow-up pups where we interview someone based on the advice that we gave them that could be an interesting added segment yeah or like a call-in like people call in and ask us questions for a specific segment but to have somebody that we don't know at all we've even like had quote-unquote celebrities pitch to us um and sometimes we have them on the podcast and it doesn't feel as natural because it's not like three friends hanging out it's like me you and a somewhat successful person sort of shooting the shit but we have to be polite and yeah we don't have a built-in chemistry with that person right which is i like that as i like that every once in a while keeps us sharp changes things up i that's why i think if if there was

enough structure i would interview a fan or if there was enough like a purpose to them being there i wonder if we can get mike pence on the show because huh he's sort of the last he was the vp under trump and we can i know that of course i know that yeah and we can have him like i wonder if we could ask him certain things about with regards to the covid response yeah and being and we could just be like not that many people listen to this show uh mr vice president so i would ask him how he like sort of comp like how he compromises how he finds this balance between being like a man of faith and principle with regards to his religious um background and then also like sort of being trump's toilet at the same time like how i would just be like were you like were you sad the day

that you found out that trump wanted to have you hanged by everyone did you feel like did you think that that was funny in part for the course? Was that just Trump being Trump or was that a bridge too far? Did the Donald ever look at you and say you're fired? That's good. And why won't you have dinner with a woman that's not your wife? Who you call mother. We would ask,

but we'd also ask silly questions like, what's your favorite sauce or fuck mary killed barbecue ranch ketchup with one of his favorite sauces also ketchup pre-cum that's what he calls it too yeah so look forward to that in the uh upcoming i don't know if we could get mike pence to say seize the cheese would you end every episode with it uh not every episode but it would definitely i would be able to extend an invitation going forward to mike pence if you were able to give us a quick if we have even a golden mic or a turdy reference a journalist out there that can ask Mike Pence a question. They just say, Mr. Pence, will you say seize the cheese?

And he would be like, seize the cheese. And then he'd be like, why would you want me to say that? And then we have it. We have it. It doesn't even matter. You don't even have to ask a follow-up question. You say, thank you, Mr. Vice President. I got it.

And that's all you need. Yes. you mr vice president i got it and that's all you need uh yes this guy named trey emmanuel trelter 12 asks are you guys planning on having more guests on jake and amir watch we used to have a lot of guests that's true we actually we should shoot one in person because we're we are i've seen you thrice now or no twice now no thrice now thrice now in the last few months since july i've seen you thrice that's a lot yeah it's not bad yeah and i'm seeing you again next week and i'll be in la actually i think the week after that good to know see if we can shoot many in person and maybe with a guest yeah that's a good tip that's a good not just a good question but a good suggestion and we should try to get ben to be on at jake and amir that's my big goal

ben schwartz or any ben will do that's cool yeah i'm sure my brother would reprise his role in jake and amir office interview or whatever which wow do people know that that's your brother is that a well-known fact it's very well known um and everybody knows it i was thinking because we were talking about on uh jake and amir watch like when we're talking about the first insecure jake or something um and we're talking about this on tiktok too christ but like there i think we need to break up Jake and Amir's in BCE, before current era, and ACE, after current era, or maybe just CE, current era, whatever. But to me, I think the breakdown is pre-HD and post-HD.

The Canon cameras versus the HVX cameras. Yes, exactly. The self-shot versus the HVX cameras. Yes, exactly. The self shot versus 4x3 versus widescreen. And when we started having camera ops, I think that was very different. SD versus HD. Audio, boom mics

versus nope. SD versus HD is a pretty good era. That really breaks it down. It makes it look like we shot our first four episodes in 1993 or something yeah which we did uh proko pio vera asked you guys should guest on the hey babe podcast where what's that i don't know the hey babe podcast i guess there's a podcast called hey babe on apple podcast we don't do a lot of guesting i guess we do um we guest on uh head gum shows right no we should do more guesting i would love it be

a good opportunity for us to uh um shout out orion the dating app yeah we should be making a press circuit yes exactly and expanding our reach beyond HeadGum Podcast. I hope the Hey Babe Podcast is a nice, funny podcast and not like an alt-right QAnon themed. I mean, we have enough Mike Pence material to go on if we need to. Yeah, we could sort of adapt to any situation, including a Hey Babe Podcast. So yeah, I guess we'll do any podcast.

All right, let's take a break. Come back and power through more lightning round questions. Dope. Woo! Ow! Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool.

Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why

I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Okay, Jake, do you got any questions? Yes. Would you rather take a this one's from

Naive Kiras, Haunted Bella Chow actually. Would you rather take a pill once a day that allowed you to only need 5 minutes of sleep or take a pill that gave you the exact body you wanted muscles etc

with only 15 minutes of daily cardio regardless of your eating or exercise I would definitely only need 5 minutes of sleep I would have an extra third of my life back and I can use one of those extra eight hours to exercise or something. Like to not need sleep would make me a superhero. I'd be able to cram in more work, responsibility, relaxation, anything in an extra third of a day between the sleep that i'm getting back but would you you cram in relaxation i i would i don't think it would i don't think it would be relaxing to not be able to sleep i like sleeping sometimes well you like sleeping because you need it but this

pill would basically replicate eight hours of sleep and you would only need five minutes you'd wake up after five minutes fully relaxed and it'd be like 11 48 p.m and would you ever get tired so you'd get tired at the end of the day what about a midday nap would that be like a 30 second thing and you're like wow that was really restorative don't need it you just got the five minutes right there five minutes at the bottom pop the pill i do body i would do body i would do body a hundred percent and it's not even fucking close so you you would sacrifice eight hours a day yeah nearly a third of your life that's right just to be jacked perfect body which you can still have but you don't want to work i already basically do.

There's just a couple little things that I would change. Which is what? I mean, I would like to have the abs, bigger glutes, thicker ankles that are calves. Don't say basically. My forearms are there, but my wrists could be a little wider, stronger hands, lower hairline okay you're not even talking about your muscles anymore but this whole body it's body that you want etc you're changing i'd be six four days straighter teeth wider gums um so yeah no i would i but i am basically

there i also only need to sleep for 11 minutes so no i don't need that you would die it is kind of weird that we can sleep a thousand nights in a row then you miss one night and you just feel like sick and dead the next day yeah the human body should not need rest that often but then like if even if you do just get like if you pull an all-nighter you're completely thrown off but then you get one night of sleep the next night you're kind of back right yeah kind i don't know you might need that extra like an extra cycle you might need like a 12 spot instead of an eight to fully reset the golden fool asks i'm about to take a trip to new york over christmas break any must-have food recommendations wow first and there's too many options in new york that's the it's the joy and the sorrow of New York.

You'll never like, you ask a thousand people and they'll give you a thousand different great restaurants on like the same eight block radius. Like there's too much. Just walk around and you'll hit a great restaurant. That's true. I do, I'm a big fan of just using your eyes in New York City.

Like if you pass a restaurant that you think looks cool, it probably is. If it looks like your vibe, check it out. And it really can't be that bad. That said, I think Minetta Tavern is the goat burger in New York City, and I highly recommend it. It's also got that old school New york vibe the tin ceilings the the uh the dark floors the tile it's really it's all there it's really nice old bar worn in very good grimaldi's pizza that's my recommendation get pizza at grimaldi's

hundred or something year old pizzeria. Delicious pizza. Oh yeah, that's good too. And actually, can you not forget the sauce? The sauce. Actually that. The pizza actually has to have sauce. Trailpackers writes, what's your goat song or top three? So you can choose three songs as the goat songs as the goat songs i got one that comes to mind okay go for it always a banger always good you're gonna want to hear it yeah

and it puts you in a light mood let's hear it what do you what do you got the star spangled banner oh say can you breathe by the dawn's early steve there's no way this was the song that you had oh sorry kodachrome by paul simon that's that's my how does that one go? Kodachrome, give me this night's bright colors. Give me the greens of summer. Take it out of the sun. Gunny day, oh yeah. I got a Nikon camera. I'd love to take a photograph.

So please don't take my Kodachrome away. It's almost a jingle for a specific kind of film or camera that's great i i think paul simon is a good place to go for that i mean april come she will that might be one of my goat all-time songs that's a simon and garfun jam, but kind of a somber tearjerker, really. And then, of course, you've got Oasis, Don't Look Back in Anger. I think that one's really good. I talked about Hook by Blues Travelers

being my favorite song growing up, so I'll give it the number two slot in terms of nostalgia. And you can hear me sort of defend it ad nauseum on an episode of Punch Up the Jam. Oh, you know what? Here's my other absolute favorite song. I always always forget about it but i'm glad i'm remembering it now it's copper line by james taylor copper line copper line you actually walked down the aisle to it at my wedding because in my head i was thinking about my favorite song at the time

interesting yeah you were humming the uh the code james taylor is good yeah um he's got that soothing voice it's it's paul simony in a way yeah same style uh and then for my third i'll go for across the sea my favorite weezer song so that's my top three music did i mention the And did I mention the Star Spangled Banner? You did and you shouldn't have. Yeah. I also like WAP. But I guess that'll barely make my top four.

So it'll go Paul Simon, Weezer. I already forget what I said as number two. Oh yeah, Blues Traveler. Yeah. And then WAP. But that's number four, so it doesn't crack this top three yeah and mine's pathetic by blink 182 or it might be dick lips what dick lips by blink 18 Yeah. Okay, here's another question. What one item would you like to own if you had unlimited cash?

So it's Nathan Tony 9. I feel like if I had unlimited cash, I would like to get a little, like, a pita tear in a weird place. Interesting. a little like a pita tear in a, in a weird place. Interesting. I'd like to have like the safe house in Helsinki or the, uh, Oh, actually the James Bond,

uh, fucking bungalow in Jamaica. That would be, or, or a chalet in Icelandic lake retreat. I would choose one dumb house and have it somewhere that I could go out to. Yeah, where would it be? I have to choose right now?

I choose house. And you want me to put it in a place? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's fair. That's fair.

Let's call it Greece. Greece. I'll have the house in Greece. No, Mallorca. Final answer. Give me a CryptoPunk so rare it has to be an ape with a hat and a cigarette. guess who owns it is that worth i don't know seven million eight million dollars you can't buy these things because they're just

well i'll make an offer that somebody can't resist and that in and of itself will completely flood and create a new demand for these objects, of which I have the most rare one. Suddenly I'm a king to these fucking losers on Discord, and they all look up to me, and I'm walking around down the street. I'm, you know, living wherever you, what did you say, Mallorca? And people have no idea that I have this shit in my trezor or hard wallet. In the original Spanish, Mallorca. and i'm also down to fuck with a

yacht and you're kind of down to nah that's actually not true i don't like being on boats i get very seasick right but you will have an ape you will oh i'll ape into apes yeah that's for sure or maybe i would just go to vegas and enter some really high stakes poker tournaments. But I guess if you have unlimited money, does gambling then ruin for you forever? Because there's no risk? I don't know. It feels like you, it wouldn't be, there would at least be a honeymoon phase where you were like, I can gamble and this amount of money used to mean a lot to me. So you can kind of tap into that reserve. But at a certain point. As I lose more, it'd be like playing for pennies with my nieces. Exactly.

It just doesn't mean anything to me. Yeah, but I think there'd be a little bit of time where you could really enjoy yourself. Oh my God, it's funny. I've so long been striving for this ultimate goal to have unlimited cash. And now that it's here, the journey of me getting it is completely destroyed i no longer value the the trips that i used to take to these high risk low reward casinos because i've already attained my ultimate goal and everything that i've been enjoying on my way to get there is not anymore it's kind of like a monkey paw situation i finally have what i've always wanted

and at what cost i guess you know what i mean like without any scarcity of that resource i find myself in times of sorrow mother mary comes to me sorry i had you on mute. I accidentally muted you for a minute there. Did you have like a breakthrough or anything? Or a breakdown? I was saying I wanted a Ferrari. Final answer? An 88 Testarossa with a babe on the fucking hood. On the hood.

And that's good. Here's an interesting question from your perspective how are the new jake and amir's going any specific aspects that ended up being easier or harder than expected to get back into i think that the writing is it's it's as easy to me to write them as it always was and like as fun. And I still, and we laughed through the writing process, laughed through the shooting process. And then I guess the big thing that I don't know that we could like, I don't really know how to address it. Is that like, I wish we were shooting in a live office but like one we don't have like

with covid we can't really do that uh and two we all we just don't really have that capability but like i like just i like hearing a little bit of an office buzz maybe we can just add a little bit of something like that in post but i feel like we're shooting in smaller we're shooting in smaller spaces so having people there it looks weirder like iac was such a big building it had such a deep background and like there were cubicles so you could picture why we were getting ignored but also think it was funny that we were being so disruptive yeah it's the production value that's difficult. Like trying to stage a place or light a place or make a place sound full.

But like you said, it's hard to hire 50 extras or find a very busy office building because those don't really exist today. Yeah. But, you know, subscribe to the Patreon. Tell your friends to subscribe to the Patreon. If we get more support, we can get more ambitious. So that'd be sick. Yeah. And there's still plenty to be done.

I think the most difficult part, like you said, is more the production end of it. And post-production, like editing is more difficult when it's somebody dumping audio and video on our desk and be like, all right, that's all we got. Whereas like before it used to be logged, captured, aligned. What's it called when you put the audio and video together? Synced. Yeah, synced up. Yeah. Now you have to do that. All ourselves. Yeah. So that's been, I guess, the most challenging part. Fortunately, people are watching them. That's the hard part. And we already have people watching them. People are enjoying it. That's another hard part. People are enjoying them that's the hard part and we already have people watching them people are enjoying it that's another hard part people are enjoying them um so the more difficult

um things are working out well um and it's correctable fixes down the line that we can get better at which is the production and post-production aspect how many have we released like four or five yeah i think five so far with six on the way. The Halloween costume one. That's cool. All right, last question. Superfly writes, who gets the golden mic and who gets the turdy for this episode and why? I got the golden mic early in this episode.

If you guys remember, I had to vamp while i'm you're sort of spaced out you like um you left me out to dry you left me hanging but i you just able to said you muted me i was able to i'm talking about the top of the episode i'm talking about the top of the episode where you kind of like yeah it felt like you fumbled the ball and i kept it going i kept the show i kept the show i played the song i was the linchpin that kept it all together excuse me so i think for that um i got the golden mic because it would have gone off the rails early right after the song um and then you got the turdy when you sang the star Spangled Banner. It seems like you don't even know the answer. I do know the answer.

I got the turdy when, and now you're trying to figure out when I got it. I knew when you sang. There could be. You said, oh, say can I breathe by the star spangled sleeve. No. You did say that. Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early Steve. And now that you hear the actual thing I said see by the dawn's early Steve? And now that you hear the actual thing I said.

By the dawn's early Steve is worse. It's worse. Way worse. So the answer is, of course, you get the golden mic again, because that's what you always do. And I get the turdy. What I always earn. And that's what you always do and i get the turdy i always earn and that's what you always

earn in the last episode we asked our guest to assign it so i felt like i had a better shot at yeah you really did you had a fucking real chance but messy style penalty kick no cruise cane yeah yeah he knew where it had to go and i went top shelf and i guess uh you airmailed it cross bar didn't hit off the cross bar didn't touch the cross bar hit a concession stand overruled i think overruled because you under delivered uh all right thanks for thanks for uh answering or asking those questions and thanks to jake for answering them yes those questions. And thanks to Jake for answering them. Yes, thank you.

Opening theme song by Michael Cortez. Closing one by John Maitland, another oldie but hopefully newie to us. If you have any questions or theme song submissions, whether you write theme or song in the body of the email, I can now find them. The email address for everything is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We're running low on

questions and theme songs. So now's your best opportunity for you to send them in and for us to read them and play them. Oh yeah, Vandy. And we're gonna be in New York this weekend. Friday,

October 22nd at the Gramercy Theater HeadGum Podcast Live and NAD Pod Live and then Saturday is Doughboys High and Mighty Power Hour into the Doughboys they're doing a power hour and then they're doing their podcast. Cannot wait for that show

I'm so excited I have that night off because I just want to sit there and watch Gabrus get fucking drunk and then all of them do a podcast what's the what's the restaurant that they're oh nathan's is that what they're gonna review after god yeah so funny they're gonna die so come watch grown men die and come watch grown men cry i'm gonna try to do a nice tear jerker during the head gun podcast that'll be fun and uh we'll be back, of course, next week.

And for more of us, you can always check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. We're watching old episodes and a bunch of other stuff on there. So check that out. Hell yeah. Thanks so much for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye. Peace.

Here we go. One time. If I were you, I would know what to do. If I were you, if I were you. If you were I, I think you'd know what to try. Cause there's a couple of guys, with a show that's fly. Hi, hi. A couple of New York someones with a twinkle in their eye

Their names Jake and Amir and they're your go-to guys If I was ever troubled this I'd do If I were you I'd write a little letter to Jake and Amir And hope that they would take some time and land on ear An answer to my question I would find If I were you If I were you

Yeah! Bye. that was a hit gum original hey i'm jake johnson host of the podcast we're here to. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool,

but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.