Segments - 511: Shmuel's Rules

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

In this episode we discuss hangovers, Halloween, and Headgum Live!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Stunningly clear sound mixing Apple podcast app In honor of these two Jews

They run some now world hacks Golden mics and turdies Amir's hurdy feelings and Advice that's given How won't they Hold each other's hands proudly? There it is again, if I were you, if I were you what would they do

whoa very very pretty that was only half of it wow yeah and that's just the half of it right that was Shelby and a friend named Dean Rules.

They both do some comedy and music stuff on Instagram. Okay. Their Instagrams are Shelby Capone and Dean Rules Insta. Now that I think about it, his name is not Dean Rules. It's just Dean. That makes sense. I read Dean Rules. Dean does rule.

Yeah. That probably, it would be a cool ass name rules Yeah In fact That's my last name now Wow Amir Schmools Rules

And you'll follow Schmools rules It's a funny Vlog that I start Alright Schmools rules Number one don't lean back in an airplane unless you're schmool in which case you rule that'll be a jake in your video soon so we're not plagiarizing ourselves we just came up with it definitely yeah we'll write that today schmools rules all right thank you shelby Dean, for Bo Burnham's That Funny Feeling.

Another That Funny Feeling parody. Oh, and they were at the HeadGum Live shows this weekend. Wow. Yes. What a time. Good time. Great time. Yeah.

Live shows again. We completed a full weekend of shows. Yeah. Talk about that funny feeling doing live shows for the first time in years and years. Yeah. It was crazy. Two years. Two years, two days, actually.

Since your last live show. Live shows. And we, you know, right back into the fire. Two shows in a night. Yes. Both of us. We did the HeadGum podcast first, which was a wild ride. Imagine Jeffrey James, but live.

So anything he says sort of has to go. Right, yeah. It's even more chaotic. You can see by going to that show what Ferris cuts out. Yeah. I think that's going to end up being a four-minute podcast episode. It was an hour-long live show. He brought me out first and foremost to You Had a Bad Day. That sort of set the tone for, honestly, the rest of my life.

You had a bad show, had a bad life. Then NADDPod's second show, you guys brought me out for that. Yeah, yeah. Which was an even wilder ride for me. Yes, it was a wild ride for me too. Yeah, I thought I didn't understand what Jeff was talking about. And then Murph is sitting next to me, like telling me to roll certain dice, telling me my hit protection, crowd going nuts.

I don't know. I feel like Chris Farley on a Japanese game show. I'm like, just, I don't know i feel like chris farley on a japanese game show i'm like just i don't know what to do your first roll you gathered up all of your dice yeah the d6 the 4 the 12 the 10 yeah and the 20 you're shaking them up like it's yahtzee and then i rolled it every like 400 people laughed at me like what the fuck is this guy doing i'm like yeah i wanted to be like i'm not the weird one i don't know how we're just we're in a room of everyone that knows how to play dnd but yeah it's a pretty normal thing to not know which dice to roll right no i didn't for a long time but you just rolled the d20 yeah is that going to be an episode that comes out as

well yeah i believe it's going to come out uh by the end of the month oh sweet okay cool so you guys can hear that one too and then the next night night, Gabrus' Power Hour into Doughboys Live, which was a real sloppy festival to witness. I'm glad I didn't have to participate in those shows. Yeah. I would have died. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

They were hung over by the Doughboys podcast. I actually didn't see them between the Power Hour and the Doughboys show, I don't think. Because I think I was eating. Or maybe I wanted to avoid them. Right. They were busy trying to sober up. Is that what they were doing? Yeah.

Like drinking water, eating food. It's like a boxer in between rounds. At one point, I had to cut Gabrus so that his eyes weren't so swollen. And then Gabrus flew the next day to seattle yeah he had a show last night that's fucking i i was i texted him i was like you're the only person that could do what you do yeah he's the fucking king man i wonder how that show was uh yeah it look i mean it sold out but yeah thank you to everybody for coming to those shows yes and hopefully we uh get to do a lot more of them soon.

We still haven't done. And if I were you, we haven't done a fucking live podcast. Yeah. I haven't. It felt like we did because we did two shows, but yeah, neither of which were this podcast.

Yeah. It's if I were, you will hit different. Really? I think so. Okay, cool. I'd like to go.

I'd like to go on a little run. You should do an, if I were you, NAD pod tour. So it sort of alternates. You're on every night, but then me, Murph, Emily, and Caldwell sort of alternate. That's nice.

Yeah, that's good for everyone but me. Okay. This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us, both in New York City, recording sort of live to tape. It's Monday, October 25th. Going to post it as soon as possible. That is correct. That is correct.

Halloween-themed questions, perhaps? little spooky. Oh, I definitely didn't find Halloween. Yeah, neither did I actually found one with Halloween in the in the body of the email, though. Oh, that'll work. Yeah, not really a spooky email, though. Okay, this one is called unsettling neighbors. Ah, it's a little eerie sounding. Yeah. Okay. We'll call this guy Jack for Jack Skellington. Good. Hello. My situation has a bit of a setup. I almost never pay attention to my neighbors. I think my landlord has a monthly rent thing set up, so I don't really pay much attention to anyone next door to me. I did notice the current tenant after he left his bed alarm on for 24 hours. I plan to give this guy a piece of my mind the next time I saw him,

but then I realized this guy looked so familiar, and then it hit me. I met him a long time ago. We met at a Halloween party way back in 2019. Good, good. I saw this guy one other time at a different party. We chatted up a bit on Tinder, I think, and after that he decided to find me and follow me on social media and dating apps. I got so uncomfortable that I blocked him when he was trying to reach me.

Maybe early 2020. Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm 98% certain it's this guy with a different haircut. Should I be concerned? Should I say something about it? I can't for certain say it's the same guy and I don't want to confirm face to face now. Should I just wait it out? Should I go say hi?

Help. P.S. I have a coworker named Mickey and I'm dying to go off on him on a long monologue uh so she it's a guy that she didn't hook up with was just talking to on a dating app yeah well it's a dude emailing about another dude that he sort of saw on a dating app and then blocked on a dating app they never went out and then he um uh thinks he lives next to this guy but isn't sure so he doesn't want to like hey i don't know if you followed me on a bunch of social media sites and i blocked you or what right do you mention that at all i think you have to play it cool yeah i think that you if it were me i would never say anything you know i usually try to avoid the neighbor anyway.

Yeah, so if the neighbor actually says hi to you. I'm a nod to the neighbor guy. I see. That's appropriate to me. But sometimes you need to befriend your neighbor just in case anything happens. I'm friends with one of my neighbors. You give him the key? No.

Not yet. No. My brother lives like three blocks away. He has the key. I'm not doing a neighbor key yet. No. My brother lives like three blocks away. He has the key. I'm not doing a neighbor key thing. Yeah, but then like what if it's like, hey, there's a package. Hey, there's a police department. Hey, there's a fire situation.

I'll get a, I mean, fire situation. Yeah. He doesn't need a key. He can't contact you either. He needs your contact information. I have, yeah, his contact information. Yeah, so he can call you. You can call him. I can call him. He needs your contact information. I have the, yeah, his contact information. Yeah. So he can call you. You can call him.

You can call him. Yeah. That's right. And if there's a problem, he can text my brother. I can text my brother. I think I need a lockbox. That's what you need. A lockbox that stays outside.

Stays outside. And then that way, anyone you need can get into your house. You used to have a keyless keypad entry. That's correct. You think you're going to go to that in the new place? I don't know. Or is that just an LA thing for you? I guess I theoretically could.

And I liked it. It was really nice to not have. You tried to convince me to get it. Yeah. It was nice to not have to carry keys. And they're even more modern now where you can get one that's like programmed to your bluetooth so if you're just like walking home you don't even have to put the code in it's like your if your phone is in your pocket it'll just open wow yeah if your phone is in your pocket you're not even swiping it like apple pay no that's really cool yeah but then everyone's like but what if

my phone dies my phone's never dead well those if my phone's dead i'm dead and i don't deserve to get into my house i in a pinch you know i have an outlet outside but also you can um you make the they do have a way to get in with a key they make a key for um in addition yeah because if like if the if the lockbox itself died too yeah so then you got to bring a key just in case your lockbox well then you put the key in the lockbox this is coming up more. So then you got to bring a key just in case your lockbox is ruined. Well, no, then you put the key in the lockbox. This is coming up more and more because I got the car key, the office fob, the wallet credit card. Like we need a way to put it all on the phone. Yes. And the phone can never die.

Yeah. And it's all, it's sort of getting there. Like I no longer have cash. I use the card. Now I don't necessarily need the card because I got the Apple Pay but then some places don't take apple pay they only take the card some people need your id and some people can just have a photo of it yeah so if you can get the keys and the wallet all on the phone everything on the phone seems that's where we're headed yeah that'd be good and then you don't like that's the only three things you carry it would all be in one

yeah that would be nice but then you don't even like the that's the only three things you carry. It would all be in one. Yeah. That would be nice. But then you don't even like the size of your phone. You're switching. Your phone is too big. I'm getting the mini. Yeah. I'd like, I want the chip. I want just everything in my brain so I don't have to carry it.

You know, it's not nice to have things in your pocket. Yeah. I want it in my head. I want it in my mouth. I want an SD card in my throat. I want that like beautiful mind shit you know just like things happening in my eye yeah that's my shit there were a few times this weekend where i'm like i'm seeing something fun but i like if i take out my phone and take a photograph of it

it'll change like someone's laughing or like cracking up at a joke what am i gonna take out my phone and take a picture of this person i want to just sort of blink and then have that as a snapshot that's interesting yeah yeah like a double blink is that's that's a picture yeah i want to be a phone basically so we're not all putting everything on the phone we're becoming a phone yeah if we were phones yes if i were a phone so it's not even us it's just basically two phones at home talking to each other. And honestly, I really don't think we would need a home if we were a phone. Yeah. You're the pro.

I'm the mini. And then. Welcome to If I Were a Phone. Have you ever. I'm pro. I'm mini. This is an animated series we're pitching. It's not being received well, of course.

Because we got in the door with a different idea. Yeah, we just thought of it now. Actually, I've been into a Tesla recently. Shout out to Marty. They don't have a key. You just sort of walk in and the car turns on. But is it a phone thing or is it a card thing? I think it's a card. It's like a black credit card yeah see i don't want i i don't appreciate that but you

put that in the phone in the phone or at least a case a case with a single card or something no i don't a car should have a key if it doesn't have a home like i don't want the fob i don't fucking like the fob frankly it's a bad shape for a key to be but what if it's actually the thickness and size of a credit card i already have the perfect amount of cards in my wallet i don't need cards i guess is if it's the exact size and shape of a credit card i could handle it but like your office fob, for example. That's like three credit cards. It's thick. It's thick, yeah. That's real thick.

What is it doing that it needs to be thick? It's plastic. It's the thickness of a piece of Wonder Bread. Yeah. Flattened, but still. Yeah. It's condensed. It's a condensed, thick plastic fob.

Yeah. But still, I would argue, thinner than a key. No, I don't think it's thinner. It's the thickness of a key and it's... A size of a card. A card, yeah. But you don't have to stick it into a hole. Yeah, but you have to like...

At least when I use that fob, I have to extract it from my wallet. No, I can keep it in my wallet. That's good. But like, every time you're going into a door, I'm not a fan of needing to take out your things that you shouldn't have to you think you should have to take out your wallet when you are on the street trying to get into your office well you have to take out your key anyway yeah but a key is for a door yeah a phone is for your home and a wallet is for the mall shit. None of that rhymed.

You didn't have to force it. Wallet mall shit? Yeah, that one did because you made it rhyme. But the first two. Home, kind of. And then a key is for a door. A key is for a door, a phone is for a home, and a wallet is for a mall shit. Yeah, all right.

A key is for the door, see? You get the turdy this episode and i've never said that before and i've never felt compelled to say it yeah nor should i have honestly i will accept the turdy for the door wow holy shit i was just kidding no no you're giving it to yourself i deserve it i deserve it for that i wonder so now the golden mic is quasi up for grabs quasi and we'll see but try not to get too grubby uh i forgot what we were gonna tell this guy oh yeah um bring it up with his neighbor or not i would say no wait till he brings it up because what if you're wrong

yeah and it's also like if it is him then that's bad and if it's not him that's bad there's not really a good outcome you just need to be okay with not knowing and thinking it could be but like knowing that it's him it's not really going to make you feel any better

yeah and stuff that happens online in in the phone, in the metaverse, you don't discuss that IRL. Yeah. Especially right off the bat. I agree. That's for computers. We're not there yet. We're not phones yet.

Yeah. So keep it on the phone. Keep it on the DL. And give him a head nod. See if he furthers the relationship beyond that. That's good. Okay, let's take a break. Thanks to Sponsees.

And we'll be back after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

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mom i'm coming gross gross indeed you know actually I think we both do. Okay. We both do. Okay. Because I have a piece of advice that I have been into recently. Okay. You know, one of my goals was becoming more of a neighborhood guy.

Yeah, which is sort of the opposite of what we just said, which is like don't meet your neighbors. Yeah. But, you know, I'm friendly with the neighbors. A couple of them are great. But I'm trying to go to more of the local stores in the neighborhood. Versus chains? Versus the chains and versus the Uber Eats, the Caviar, the DoorDash, the Seamless. You know, it still sneaks in every once in a while.

But even now when I'm ordering, I will call the place and order directly and then go pick it up. Which saves some money too. It saves money. It's more money for the restaurant. And it makes you feel just a little more human. Yeah, because you're doing it like you would in 1998. Yeah. Yeah.

So highly recommend doing that. So when they pick up and you're talking to them are they like just use the internet or they're like oh no thank you for calling in and doing it over the phone also do you pay when you get there can you pay in advance i pay when i get there i see and like i just pay with my phone so that's pretty easy you're gonna need your phone yeah we are i'll tell you what i did not like doing before like i didn't like calling and like leaving a credit like giving my credit card over the phone that like, not fun or convenient. No.

But now, every place that I call, I just put in the order. I say, I want to come pick it up. I come. I say my name. They give me the bag. I pay on my phone. It's great. And then do you say, by the way, by the way, I'm Jake.

Thanks for, this is you talking to a McDonald's. Hey, and remember, this is my order. Two cheeseburgers, large fries, and a pound soda. We're going to call that, yeah, the usual. Yeah, I work here for this week only. Sometimes I'll get a milkshake is all. That's what I was going to say. It's important to support local businesses.

You walking past a mom-and-pop burger stand your phone was declined really yeah i haven't made money this year that'll happen all right cool order pick up this episode is brought to you by dash pass we should say fuck uh okay my um unsolicited advice is i saw a musical called jagged little pill which is the name of an Alanis Morissette album, which I knew about growing up. And I didn't realize how much I liked. Turns out Alanis Morissette still got it, still the GOAT. So if you remember this album, you should listen to it again, because it's a thrill. There's so many good songs on it. And if you are too young to remember this album, because it came out in 1995,

check out Jagged Little Pill. Yeah, it's a great album. That's one of my, that was one of the first CDs I got or was able to listen to because my sister had it. Right. And I didn't, I'm listening to this, I'm at this musical, which is awesome. And then every song, some I recognize and are great, some I don't recognize and are still great. I'm like, was this written for the musical? No, it's all in this album, which was made in 1995. Alanis Morissette was 21 years old at the time.

It's wild. Do you have a favorite song? Every time I listen to it, it's something new. I mean, I loved You Oughta Know. I love Head Over Heels. I love Hand In My Pocket. I like Ironic, You Learn, All I Really Want. There's so many singles.

It's crazy how many hits. Yeah, there's a lot of good hits on that album. From this one insanely popular album so shout out to alanis morissette finally giving her some love on episode 512 or whatever yeah i think head over heels is probably my top you would like this show then because you better believe they sing it and it's like a broadway eyes version of every show so it's kind of like watching really talented people do Alanis Morissette karaoke. That's pretty solid.

But I'll tell you what, I had this experience when I watched the Billy Joel Broadway musical. Oh, what's it called? I think it's called Moving Out. And I was like, this is pretty good, but I like it when Billy Joel sings it. Yeah. And Alanis has such a specific voice. Yeah, and some of them match it, and some of them don't even try. And it's like, oh Billy Joel sings it. Yeah. And Alanis has such a specific voice.

Yeah, and some of them match it and some of them don't even try and it's like, oh, that's cool. Covers slash karaoke versions of all the hits. Maybe it'll be more like the Green Day musical that I saw, which I thought was awesome. Yeah, I guess it is a really easy way to write. It's easy and hard.

It's easy because the songs are already written, so that's the hard part. But then the hard part is like making a story with the songs. I think I should be hired. It's like a puzzle that shouldn't be a puzzle piece. I want to be hired to do the one for Dude Ranch. Yeah. Is there enough common themes that you could put into a story that you can just make the songs 80% of the story?

Yeah, it's like a loser that can't get laid. Interesting. We already wrote it. It's loser that can't get laid. Interesting. We already wrote it. It's called Lonely and Horny. We just said it to Lucius by accident. Wait, what songs are on Dude Ranch that you can sort of piece together like puzzle pieces? Let me see.

I was kind of kidding about Dude Ranch, but I could probably more. But you know, Enema of the State doesn't have... That's more of a fun album. I don't think there's... Slow songs too. Let me see. Which Alanis is very good at as well she got like fun angry songs and then she's got like uh really slow songs i fucking resent that i just looked up dude ranch and the first result was for fucking

like actual ranches yeah not the album yeah dude ranch I guess because the album is like 38 years old. That'll happen. Okay. Oh, damn, it's on that album. There you go. Okay. So is Dick Lips. Yeah. Which is actually a pretty good song.

It's about getting kicked out of high school. That's fun. Yeah. The good thing about albums, they're called jukebox, I discovered. Jukebox musicals. It's like when a song, like usually in a musical, you're like, oh, I hope to like these songs. And usually in a musical you're like oh i hope to like these songs and by the end you might like them but like in a jukebox musical like somebody starts singing ironic you're like everyone's already all in this is great i already like this song right so like when damn it comes on during your play people are just like fucking so invested that's

tight wait so what songs are on there um josie is on there. That's good. That could be like the main character. Apple Shampoo. Don't know that one. Yeah. That could be like him getting ready in the morning. There's one called A New Hope, which is kind of a Star Wars ballad. Okay, it's getting a little harder to figure it all out. The chorus is Princess Leia, where are you tonight?

Yeah. It was kind of hard to fit ironic into this musical, I'll say that much. Isn't that ironic? Yeah, someone had to like sing ironic in like the middle of a song, in the middle of a play, a story about something else. Interesting. A little too ironic. Nice.

I really do think. Okay. Let's see if we can answer another question. This one's called, just classic, Sticky Situation. Cool. It's a lady. A lady who was in a sticky... Josie.

Josie, there we go she brings me mexican food from sombrero just because is that josie that is that could be in the play yeah my girlfriend so she comes home and he's like well where'd you get that mexican food from and she's like just from sombrero why just because yeah you don't ever sing the song it's just that she's like, just from sombreros. Why? Just because. You don't ever sing the song. She's so cool and independent. She doesn't mind when I hang out with the guys. I do like someone that laughs at my dumb jokes when no one does. Usually in my relationships, everyone else is laughing and the girl's sort of rolling her eyes. She's had enough of it.

Yeah, she's heard it all. Yeah. Because you're a lot. Yeah, exactly. Hi, she's heard it all. Because you're a lot. Yeah, exactly. Hi, Jake and Amir. I did something stupid and dumb and now I'm sort of dealing with that. I'm 19 and in college. Oh, Josie style.

On Wednesday, a few senior guys invited me to join their drinking game and I got blackout drunk like bad. The next morning was punishment enough. I had to run out of my biology lab to vomit uh what looked like the most mostly strawberries under fluorescent lights yikes but the problem is that one of the guys who i played with recently broke up with my roommate

like two weeks ago she was really hurt that i hung out with him and yelled at me i get why she was upset but my question is how can I apologize to her? And we're generally, what are the rules of hanging out with your friend's ex in group settings? Thanks for making me laugh when I feel like shit, Josie. So that's the real question to me. Yeah, can you hang out?

I mean, she can hang out. In a group setting. I don't think that, I think that her friend owes her an apology. Yeah, I don't think you should apologize. I think it's like, that's an overreaction. Yelling, yelling at somebody. It seems like she's mad at the ex, not the friend. Right.

And like the ex is like, they had a breakup and now the ex is hanging out with her friends. Okay. So being nice, I think that you got to look at the source of the anger, which isn't actually something that you did. Like you hung out of the anger which isn't actually something that you did like you hung out with this guy so i'm mad at you it's actually like this guy hurt me so i'm mad and like that being reminded of it makes me sad and now i'm frustrated at you that's right so there's a bunch of steps that you can address that isn't like i'm sorry i hung out with this guy because really what you did is not really anything wrong.

Yeah. But what you can apologize about is what your roommate's going through and offer some kind of help and support to make her feel better. Yeah. I mean, being hungover is the worst punishment of all. I think the apology should just kind of ent know how kind of insane it is like i'm really sorry uh that like i saw your ex and i know you don't want me to hang out with him would it make you feel better if i never hung out with any guys again like is that oh that's nice and passive aggressive yeah and i have just left when i saw him there and like hung out at home and done nothing all night i'm so sorry i didn't do that. I really am.

I forgot you dated him two weeks ago. I didn't know he was going to be there, but when he was there, should I have just run away? Is that what you'll do every time you see someone that you'd recognize from someone else that dated him? Did you just walk out of the restaurant or something? Or can you be in the same restaurant? I'm just curious what the rules are, because you're making them up on the fly.

I'm throwing up again. God, being so hungover and then have to do stuff at school is, I'm glad I don't have to experience that feeling anymore. Yeah, being hungover and doing anything. I think as I've gotten older, I haven't necessarily stopped getting hungover. I'm definitely hungover less, but I have stopped being able to do shit when I was hungover. Yeah, other than like lay down and watch football and fall asleep occasionally yeah even if i have plans to like i i was gonna watch the grand prix with marika at the office yesterday and i was too hungover

i have to just stay at home i'll do you one better than that i can't even drink to get hungover anymore like by the time i have a my first or second drink like i already feel bad i'm like i'm so beyond drinking that like i can't even drink enough alcohol to get drunk enough to be hung over anymore i think your body just starts like shutting it down yeah like no by the second drink i'm just like i don't feel that well anymore wow so i'm like i i don't know i have to find an alternative to drinking maybe micro dosing that'd be cool or maybe drinking is not for me anymore because i'm 38 and then once you become once i even if i fight through and i figure out a way to drink enough i'll still feel bad the next day so what's the reward there's no reward yeah um

i wonder if i can just be dehydrated. I'll just like not drink water that day. So I can still experience a hangover, which is like a communal punishment. That's good. But then I don't have to necessarily get drunk and have fun. Nice. Did you guys go out after that? The Doughboy show? I think I saw you guys walk into a bar and I'm like, all right, this is the end of the night for me. It's 1 a.m. Yeah. I think that was my second of four bars that night. Wow.

Yeah. And what was the third and fourth bar? Third bar was the Woods. Fourth bar was Ontario Bar. I see. Where I was just sitting there with Micah saying, we shouldn't have done this. So third bar was like the transition to the regretful side of things i regretted even the third bar because we got to the third bar and

jeff realized he had forgotten his backpack at the second part with the computers and stuff immediately had to leave gone forever then gone forever yeah so like we were at the woods and that's a good place to be with like four people, but it's not exactly a just me and Micah bar. I see. So we hung out for a little bit. And then it was like three? Yeah. Then it's like three, maybe even 315.

Yeah. And we're like, let's walk home. We walk home. On the way home, we're passing Ontario bar and it's like, it looks like there's some people there still. Yeah. So let's try to squeeze a like there's some people there still. Yeah. So let's try to squeeze a little bit more out of this night. Yeah.

We thought Jeff might be there. Was he? No. Yeah. Do you get a drink at the fourth bar? Yes. If it's the end of the night. End of the night.

I did not finish it. As I was drinking, I was like, if you stop now, you'll be less hungover. And nothing's happening. There's nothing left here that's how i feel at the on the second drink right it happens earlier for you yeah there's probably there's a good middle ground that would be that's where you that's where you want to be i think yes exactly a little bit more drunk than me a little bit less drunk than you basically what marty did actually he left after the second bar yeah i don't know how many drinks he had but he left out he left after the second bar i feel like we got to figure something out with alcohol

like give me drunkenness in a pill or something like i shouldn't have to drink so much poison to get drunk anymore it's 2021 yeah let's figure something out yeah uh so if any of you chemists are out she was actually in a biology lab so maybe they're studying that that'd be perfect and once she was growing up during it so she probably missed that part and once we do the covid thing i feel like we can shift our attention a little bit yeah it's like if we can do like the let's do the vaccine that works like 100 of the time and then which was it's been totally awesome thank you for the vaccine and i do appreciate that one note it should be 100 of the time always yeah just effective forever and then also once you're done with that,

ideally a shot that'll get me hammered and not a shot of Jaeger. Right. A shot that gets you hammered and then another shot that cures the hangover. Yeah, or at least an alcohol that doesn't taste so. I want to drink a bottle of water and then feel tipsy. That'd be cool. Yeah. I like the idea of a hangover that you like,

like the cure that feel you wake up and you feel the hangover you would have. You take a shot and it just sort of like goes away. Dissipates. Yeah. That's cool. So you, so you really feel the effect of that medicine instead of the gradual getting out of the hangover.

We should be fucking chemists because I have a lot of ideas for medicines.'s cool what's another one um i mean i already i feel like hangover cure is pretty fucking good yeah um shot that makes you a little taller like so if you wanted to grow you would have a shot and the fun thing would be like, you'd basically buy, say your inseam is 30 inches. Are you paying attention? I feel like you're really scatterbrained right now. What are you talking about? I'm very focused on the shot. A shot that makes you taller?

Yeah. You buy a pair of 34 inch inseam pants. You wear that to the doctor. He gives you the shot. All of a sudden you grow into that inseam that's pretty neat you walk out in why do i have to wear the pants because it's that feeling that feeling of that growth in that moment and that's the golden mic for coming up with a fucking you are i came up with two new medicines on this show wasn't the first one me that was a fucking copro i was a copro and i had

the fucking design for how it was going to be how it was going to be applied and how it would work and i actually have a patent i really do have a patent about it uh all right so let us know if you can make up that um medicine scientist thank you appreciate in advance namaste all right let's take another break and answer some more questions on the other side of these massages thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards.

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Thanks, DraftKings. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pickcdouble or a mcchicken then get a small fry a small drink and a four-piece mcnuggets that's a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money price and participation may vary for a limited time only welcome back to if i were you the only advice podcast on the wet let's start over i'm amir uh yeah um i'm i'm uh schmooze rules schmooze rules i can't wait to write that later uh so this is a question from a canadian guy alanis morissette also canadian very good used to date dave coulier also canadian then was uh married to ryan reynolds really also i think married maybe dating What a power couple that was.

I like both of those people. Okay, this is a 24-year-old we'll call Dave Coulier. I found myself in a predicament and could really use your advice. I had a close female friend and I hung out with her a lot. Yesterday, I took shrooms for the first time and she was my sober trip sitter. After a couple hours, I was tripping balls

and somehow said, I'm in love with you. As soon as I said it, I realized it's not true, but it was too late. She said she loves me too and went for a kiss. I kissed her and it felt so wrong. I made an excuse after and went home and I did not enjoy the rest of my trip. Now what do I do? I definitely don't want to, I definitely don't

like her that way and I don't want to lose her friendship since I don't have many other friends. What should I say? Give me a quote, please. We have never spoken since. A quote. And don't just like say what the sentiment should be. Like write me something I'll read on the phone. Yeah.

I want to look down reading as I speak to her. That's such a funny fucking situation because she was trip sitting. She's dead dead sober you can't chalk it up to like oh we were fucked up yeah she said the truth she thinks that that's your universal truth the most true you used to do that you used to take drugs that made you feel love and then confess love and not necessarily think so. That's correct. Yeah. Yes.

But when I was doing it, everyone was on the drugs. I was on MDMA in the desert and I said, I love you to someone. I was on MDA in the club in New York and I said something. Like that'll happen. That'll happen. When everyone's on Molly, you do love everyone. It was never even a lie. What about you say, like anyone would be, I'm flattered by your fascination with me.

Like any hot-blooded woman, I simply wanted an object to crave. But you, you're not allowed. You're uninvited. That's the quote? That's an Alanis Morissette song that you can sing to her oh nice that's right must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm must be somewhat heartening to watch the shepherd meet shepherd there you have it so just I don't know, a song? You've already won me over in spite of me. Nice. Head over heels. Which is where your head is usually.

So it really should be the other way around. Oh, no, it's head over feet in her version. Head over feet. Head over feet. Okay, yeah. I mean, do you have to confess your anti-love for someone? Hey, that was a mistake. Yeah, you just play dumb.

You say, wow, it was crazy. Did I do anything weird yesterday? Oh. I don't remember anything. Completely dumb. No, that's too gaslighting. I think you just have to, there's nothing that you can do except say how you actually feel. And I think that what you can temper it by saying, I do love you as a friend.

And our friendship is really important to me. That's really good. Basically what you said here. So your quote is reading back this email to her. That's beautiful. Including this, P.S. recently watched the Alison Williams episode. This is what he says to her. Are you still friends with her? If so, bring her back on the show. It's a good idea. We should. Yeah. We sort of lost touch with a lot of our guests because of the pandemic, but I'm sure Alison

still listens to every episode and wants to be on our show. There's no other situation, right? I do. I trust that she's got that consistency. Yeah, that's right. I don't think we deserve it, but I think that it's possible. That's cool. Okay, one last question. Yeah.

Help, am I catfishing my best friend's brother? Oh God, yeah, I love this question. Another lady. We'll call this lady... Blake Lively, the person who stole Ryan Reynolds away from Alanis. I can't believe it. Maybe. I have no idea. Blake has nothing on Alanis. So, a couple years ago, I moved away from my home and my best friend. Last week, my best friend's brother was stationed in my area. We matched on Bumble, so it doesn't seem like he realizes that it's me. His parents stayed with me last month?

What do I do? Is he an idiot? We've been talking and I feel like I'm catfishing him because I already know the answer to the questions that I'm asking. Help, please. P.S. My best friend is a huge fan and gave me the A-OK to shaboink her brother. Yeah.

Shaboink. Shaboink. It's shaboink. See, this is a nice friend. You can just shaboink the brother, not like you can't get drunk with my ex or something. Yeah, this is that open heart strategy. I just wanted to say that this guy 100% knows who you are.

They're so close that their parents stayed with her and then she's like, so where are you from? What are your parents like? That are currently staying with me. I think he's just playing it cool. But he knows who you are. Really? Yes, just as you know who he is.

I think it just goes without saying. I don't think you need to be like, oh my God, it's you. Hi. It's like, hey, we're chatting. We matched. This is, it's obvious we know each other. But she did gain a new nickname. I just.

Imagine that 25 years into life and I go by, I don't know, Kenny. You change your name all the time on this show. It's Gaitan Ice and Liquid Nice. Yeah, but none of them ever stick. Theodore Leslie. A thin little skeleton guy. Where did you pull that one? I don't remember that.

You don't remember Theodore Leslie? Now that you say it, it sort of sounds familiar, but I definitely couldn't have thought of it. I really like that, actually. Theodore Leslie, a chemist from London, moved to, I don't know, the Pacific Northeast. That's good. The Pacific Northeast. Yes. What is that, Spokane?

Minnesota. Yes, Theodore has a hard time with words and geography. Leslie is sort of a wild child of the night. Yes. He's also not a good chemist. No. He has a hard time with everything. Theodore is kind of a bumbling moron of a man.

But did I mention he's 6'8", 112, soaking wet, and pale as a guy in ice. I'm losing the nickname mid-sentence. I can't even introduce myself to people. Do you think you'd have fun if you would just sort of try to reinvent yourself? You would move to, I don't know, Denver for a year and just do whatever you want.

You'd sort of have carte blanche access to do, create a new life for yourself, but only for a year. Oh, yeah. That's exactly basically what I was going to say. I think I could have fun, but there would be a shelf life for it. Yeah. And I think it would be a year. But that would be pretty fun. Everybody should take a gap year to find themselves slash be someone else.

That's cool. Yeah. I basically did it in college. I went to my freshman year, had an amazing first semester, made a bunch of new friends. Kind of midway through, realized I hated being there. I needed to go home and be with my best friends and my family. And I think that happens to me often yeah like when you moved to la and then you said you know what i don't want to be here anymore i want

to be closer to my friends and my family yeah but that was harder because some of my friends lived in la and there's the rub but yeah i mean that i guess now and now there's like a way to split the time but i would definitely do just like a straight up. I mean, I want to do a year in Melbourne. That's what I want to do. Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah. That's sort of an LA meets New York.

It's like a city, but the weather is just nice all the time and people are laid back. That's what I want. Although it is weird that LA and New York are so far apart. Like half of everybody we know lives in these two cities that could not be further apart. Yeah. Is that just a coincidence? Like we could just be friends with people from Austin and Nashville and it's a pretty close thing, but that's not how it worked out. Yeah.

It's the industry. That's what it is. But why are half the people in LA? I guess because you either prefer this or you prefer that. Geographically, they're so separated. But I think I know more people that prefer New York but live in L.A. anyway at this point. Because they move there and they don't want to move back? Yeah.

Like you move there to ride on a show or something and you get all of a sudden, I don't know. You move across the country, it's hard for people to move back. It's not hard for me. I've done it a lot. Yeah. For you, it's like a whatever thing. Yeah. You've driven across the country multiple times. I think in fact i think you prefer the the movement i do

yeah yeah you're already talking about going to australia yeah you just finished creating a house and now as soon as it's done you're like i want to go to australia for a year yeah yeah i like year. Yeah. Yeah. I like the process. Yeah. Okay. Did we tell this person what to do? Yeah. Yeah, just proceed with the knowledge that this guy knows who you are. Okay, cool. And you don't need to verify or confirm. It'll come out on the day.

In a way. Yeah. All right, cool. Thanks for writing in. Thanks for submitting your questions, your theme songs, all of it to ifiweryoushowatgmail.com. Yeah. The opening theme song. Oh, cool. Thanks for writing in. Thanks for submitting your questions, your theme songs, all of it to ifiweryoushowatgmail.com. Yeah. The opening theme song. Oh, yeah. We can complete it.

We can finish it because we only sang half of it or heard half of it. And if anyone wants to submit an Alanis Morissette theme song, that'll be the zone that I'm in looking for for the next month or so. So choose a song, parody it up, send it in. Do you remember her name? I believe it was Shelby? Yes, Shelby Capone and Dean. Dean Rules. Dean Rules and Schmools Rules too.

Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks for coming to the live shows if you were there. And we'll be back next week. Ciao, everybody. Peace! there and we'll be back next week ciao everybody peace stunningly clear sound mixing apple podcast app honor all of these to choose it runs in our backs golden mics and turdies amir's hurty feelings and Advice that's given, how won't they hold each other's hands proudly? There it is again, if I were you

If I were you, if I were you, there is a gun. If I were you, what would they do? Vacation baton, wedding for Jake I tried to be gay for each other, but it didn't take Kill yourself in Starbucks, eat a pie, fell a better hell Know these random dudes better than I know myself there it is again

if I were you if I were you there it is again if I were you What would they do? Hopefully kiss That was a Hiddem Original.

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