Segments - 512: Be Clear

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

In this episode we discuss line cutting, fine cuddling, and fiber muddling.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. I'm small and I'm hairy.

I'm a rodent with chubby cheeks. I'm brown and I'm buck-toothed, baby What it all comes down to Is trying to get my paws on that golden mic Cause I may be a chipmunk But I don't deserve a fucking turdy I was waiting for a second verse. I was waiting for another verse. I liked it so much

I wanted there to be another one. Short and sweet. That's what Anders gave us. Sorry, Ander rhymes with gander. And the good news is he just put out an album on Spotify. So you can-

Oh, perfect. Yeah, you can find it if they go to my IG bio, which is welcome to Anderland. Welcome to Anderland. Yeah, that was a one hand in my pocket parody because we talked about Alanis last week, who's the new goat in my eyes. So Ander said, I'm going to whip something up real quick. And here's something crazy he says i throw music up there and cartoons too i'm an illustrator oh oh shit this guy just like me

is kind of a multi-hyphenate artist yeah he does it all fucking not dope to see your um you well i'm an actor i'm a writer i'm a comedian i'm an editor actor what are you talking you i'm an actor and i'm an editor i'm a multi-hyphen what are you in this business what are you acting fucking head gun videos jake and amir videos tiktok that counts as writing either i mean jesus okay so i'm a fucking i am a podcaster slash editor extraordinaire actually that's barely so that's not multi-art that's in addition to that you don't do art i really do art you deal in here nfts and you you've lost all your money i'm interested in getting rich quick and then in addition to that i can organize a zoom like all right cool so you're like an executive assistant

with a side hobby that you're not good at yeah and this guy's good at fucking music and cartoons he's an illustrator he's so much honestly we both kind of suck now you're gonna fucking tear ander down that's not right well what can he do he can barely the guitar was nice and the voice was fine but i'm not a little bit about it speaking out just yet like anybody can sing that song in my pocket and the other one is singing a cartoon god i'm sad for you man well you also have seasonal uh depression disorder whatever it's called sad whatever allergy disorder yeah there's a huge difference between allergies and depression i think they've sort of backed into the the acronym there it's it's it is sad is the acronym, but what's the A stand for? Seasonal anxiety depression?

No, no. Seasonal depression. Affective disorder. Oh. Yeah. Interesting, yeah. That's a back-end to be sure. It's called sad.

Yeah. Oh, this is very sad. It's a guy in a painting who looks bummed because it's sort of dark and cold out and it says light therapy may improve symptoms and he just sort of looks bummed next to a light oh yeah well you know you can try it yeah i mean if it if it works like whatever floats your boat i guess i guess whatever makes you happy which is uh the happiness effectiveness of positive photon yearly therapy nice another backer that you just backed into oh yeah i guess it does stand for happy that's cool

yeah uh okay cool so thank you ander for uh tossing us an alanis morissette again the more the merrier when it comes to alanis that's the only one we received this week that was more set themed. Yeah. And that's kind of a priority now. You know, that'll get you to the top of the inbox if you've gotten Atlantis. It's a fast pass. And it is an absolute cutting. You can do a back cut.

You could do a front cut. You can just right to the front of the line. It's a, what's that thing called at the airport where you can sort of cut the line if you pay the money? So that's clear. Yeah. It's a clear pass. Clear is, I flew this past weekend and I didn't know I talked a lot about my Delta medallion status.

But one of the. And it is status. One of the benefits. Excuse me, I'm talking. One of the benefits of being. What? What? I can't have a conversation with you. Yeah, you wouldn't understand the benefits of being- What? What? I can't have a conversation with you.

Yeah, you wouldn't understand. That's right. What? What? I didn't say that. What I'm saying is one of the- I said what to, I understand what you're saying. I said what to you getting upset that I cut you off.

One of the benefits, if I can finish, is of being diamond medallion status, is that you're gifted- And you do have a diamond medallion. That's so lame. I do have diamond studs in my ears and an ed bastion necklace um you get gifted clear um which nice it is nice which usually costs people money but dsa free is pretty good it's fine it's nothing compared to clear because when you're clear they

just fucking you have a handler that brings you to the front of the line they don't make a different line like tsa pre was this like government sanctioned thing where they yeah they changed the infrastructure yeah it's like okay if you don't have tsa pre you got to take your shoes off you're over here tsa pre is like you're trusted you can keep your shoes on your line is here and then clear comes in and they're just like you give me a hundred dollars i'll bring you to the front of the line it'll look official because i'm wearing a vest and that have you have you ever been cut by a clear yes that and i vowed to never get clear because i was so appalled by the system which is just that they are brought in front of you. And that's it.

But then when I got the free clear, I was like, you know what? Free and clear. Yeah, you were free and clear. I can't say no. It's being given to me. So now I could never go back. I could never go back. It's insane you would

think that it's just it's it's paying someone to make cutting seem official yeah it's paying an asshole yeah so that you don't look bad so you're the true asshole i'm the biggest asshole i'm clear i don't know what you want me to say i really am clear it's like how when you're late they can bring you to the front of the line and you feel like an asshole except this is like you're not late so you're just an asshole you didn't make a mistake do you say sorry when they're cutting for you or you're like you nod to the person you nod mother of four yeah and you nod and they salute you there's a clear member on deck i'm surprised like supermarkets and other things with long lines haven't implemented this system like anything with a line can just create a fast pass

give me a hundred dollars and you don't have to wait in this whole foods line it's true that's god what a fucking bleak uh future for society but that's like you've got the it's exactly like the supermarket because you got the regular lines you you got the 12 items or less express. And then you have, I pay Gilson's $49 a month. So I don't wait in a line. Gilson's clear. Well, I mean, isn't there like an Amazon grocery store where you can just, where you just scan the items as you shop? Like that's, that's what should be like walking like

right you walk and you put it in your cart and you leave and it charges you and like you have reusable bags now so like i feel like part of the process of like checking out used to be like getting your items bagged up but i mean you should just yeah shop with your reusable bags scanning them and then pay with your phone when you leave that's right automatically yeah that's where we're headed and i can't wait until we're there where we don't have to employ anybody i just have to walk in grab my supermarket sushi and leave yeah and yeah it costs 17 dollars because it's the not too distant future that's already kind of happening they have the self-checkout so it's yeah i do self-checkout yeah and self-checkout's good because you could be like oh i forgot to

scan that steak and sometimes oh my you'll finish i just paid for a juice yeah you'll finish your sushi before you go get to the line right in line in kind and i will pull up a chair to the hot bar so about that by the time i scan the weight it weighs half as much as what I've already ate. Because I'm clear. And I could not be more clear with my intentions, actually. In fact, can we introduce Jake and Amir clear right now? Where we'll give you the podcast 12 hours early? Yeah, you get the show as we record it.

We will give you the Zoom link. So you'll be a fly on the wall during this process. I mean, right now you're listening to an edited version, but imagine you are just dialed in, watching me in a mirror on Zoom. It's exactly the same, except it's happening live to your eyes and that yes being and we do a lot of editing we do we probably speak every day for six hours and

i i shave it down to a lean 45 for the show only the best bits make it this one that you're listening to right now beat out 10 other amazing bits well i don't even know if it has yet right that's the crazy part like yeah i can see a world where we start over this might never see the light of the light of day and that's that's what makes this beautiful is that it's just for us this is just that's really cool just me are you recording i should ask i haven't started right yeah I might. We ran the ads four times, and I think now I'm ready to record on the ads. We rehearsed those enough.

Does that feel good? Yeah. Do you have any notes on the clear part? I kind of like the Whole Foods clear. Maybe we can use Trader Joe's clear when we re-record it. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I think I mentioned a Gelson's's line, like paying 49 to Gelson's, but what would you think about doing that as Albertson's?

Yeah, and 39. I was going to say, I was going to pitch an alt. I was going to say also that I name drop Ed Bastian and I worry that the CEO of Delta is going to be a little too far of a reach for your average listener. Yeah, he doesn't need that smoke, right? I think you've mentioned him before, so it is a good callback, though I doesn't need that smoke right i think you've mentioned

him before so it is a good callback though i don't remember if we kept that in it was episode 297 episode 297 i remember we got that down to a lean 58 minutes from the eight hour record session so yeah it could have been left on the cutting room floor i'll check my records one last one last thing about clear and then we really have to drop it. Yeah. Is that if everybody got clear, then clear wouldn't work. Correct. It's a system that can't succeed.

It's like the goal is that only 10% of people use it. Otherwise, everybody has it. It's just like the fucking Dr. Seuss's, Dr. Seuss's sneetches thing. Like everybody, everybody gets the stars on their belly. And then, then like there, then suddenly that's not that,

that's special. And then you can get them removed or whatever. Like eventually we're going to have to move over and I'm going to be taking my shoes off like an idiot, but I'll be the only person in the non TSA, non clear line. It'll just be me. Yeah.

And fucking Bastion on the day. And who's Bastion again? Ed Bastion, CEO of Delta. Shout out. Shout out to a real one. Absolutely, shout out. Okay, this is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the WOD, hosted by me, I'm God.

And I'm Ed fucking Bastion. And I'm TSA Pre. That's cool. TSA Elliot. So it's a poet about, yeah, security, I guess. Right. That's actually really funny. Remind me to delve into that deeper when we do the re-record.

Okay. Yeah, smart. You sent me an email um somebody says inviting an ex to a wedding yes correctamundo i can't wait to dive in okay let's call this person x xavier because he's talking about exes good stuff i'm a 21 year old guy living around cleveland my fiance and i have been sending out wedding invites and I stumbled along a little problem. One of my best friends from high school is dating one of my exes. Now, this isn't too much of an issue by itself, seeing as this ex and I dated

years ago and ended on decent terms, but my fiance and this girl absolutely hate each other, which is completely unrelated to our dating history. We both really want my friend to be at the wedding, but the fiance said that she doesn't even want to see this girl at our wedding what should we do would it be uncouth just to not give them a plus one or should we suck them up suck it up and be bigger people and invite them both any advice would be appreciated thanks uh xavier jake tell murph emily and caldwell i say what up oh all right we'll do we'll do call him now um okay but call murph yeah i'll call him but why don't we drop why we'll drop that this part from the final edited uh version of the show yeah and if you have jake and amir clear you can actually hear

jake call murph later and say what up from xavier yeah, straight to voicemail. Wow. Okay. I had a wedding. So I feel like I have, you know, some insight onto this type of thing. Yeah. But you don't give a plus one to everyone, right? You don't give a plus one to everyone. But I think if you know that they're dating someone seriously,

and especially if you've met that significant other you would yeah so is the plus one given to people who are close to you or does it given more priority to people who are like let's say the last person that made your wedding invite list you barely know this person but he's married do you give them plus one or do you save the plus one for like one of your best friends who's just dating somebody i think i didn't have that problem really i guess like maybe i'm thinking of like distant cousins um that weren't if they were married i think they get a plus one if i have like so it's about their connection not your connection to that guest yeah but i think like if i had i i definitely invited like second cousins that were pretty distant that were younger

had no idea if they had significant others and did not give no plus one plus one because those invites came as like part of like a family unit like uh aunt uncle uncle, two kids, whatever. It's like that's who it's addressed to. And I think I definitely gave some plus ones to people that were dating people seriously. I denied some plus ones of people that didn't have very serious relationships. That's good. And did you interview those people to see how serious their relationship was or no it was like people that just like i trusted my gut i trusted my gut

and actually uh i was correct to do so they're no longer with those people so nailed it it was on it was it was good i but i think what your wedding actually split them apart because they didn't get a plus one and so it's like it sort of created this chasm it's like oh you don't talk to jake about our relationship enough that's why you didn't think that we're and he's like do you not like me like that that you don't brag to your friends about me yeah that's correct i think this is more about like it's it's less about inviting the rules around inviting an ex and more around inviting someone that your wife hates. Like that was the second, unrelated to this girl being his ex. He said that his fiance hates her. You don't want the hated person there.

Yeah. Nobody you hate should be at your wedding. Although if it's family, then you're sort of pot committed. Yeah. I mean, I think that the wedding, the nice thing about the wedding is that it allows you to be a bigger person. You are, you have so much going on that day and you're the bright shining star. I'm talking about the bride that if someone you hate is there, or it's like, it's, it's doesn't, it's not going to really show up on your radar. I don't think at least it didn't for me, anything

that I was like, not happy about at the wedding didn't for me anything that i was like not happy about at the wedding took a back seat because there was just like so much other stuff going on and so much positive things that you could focus on um that said it's your wedding and there are you can do whatever you want you make the rules and i think if you if your wife hates somebody, then she doesn't get invited to the wedding. And you could just invite your friend. Or what if this guest has a wedding clear pass, so he gets to sort of fast track himself to the main table with a plus one because he paid his own way.

He'll pay for the chicken and the fish. And he gets to choose the first dance. Yeah. Because I'm clear. Because he's clear. And I'll choose the first dance. Yeah. Because I'm clear. Because he's clear. And I'll have the first piece of cake, thank you very much. I'll put some on your nose

in a playful fashion. I'll do the father-daughter dance, I think. I'll do the father-daughter dance. Just me and an old man. With your father? No. With her father. With her father.

I'm clear for crying out loud. Hey, Macarena. Hi. Hi. This is a don't give them a plus one situation, it seems. Yeah. And I don't think you have to think twice about it. Because you might be friends, but this person doesn't get along with your fiance.

And if they hate each other she must know and i think it'll be she has to yeah you just send that solo dolo invite to your friend and they're not married as long as they're not married they're not engaged it's not that serious you can almost write it like a plus zero on the wedding invite and then underneath says like you get it right like you know why this isn't a one this kind of happened at my wedding where i invited somebody who had there was no plus one it was just like you're invited rsvp and they wrote in like their you know next to their like will be attending And they wrote the name of their significant other. So like, by the way, I'm bringing a one.

Yeah. And it will be plus. It was wild. It was wild. I can't wait to hear who that is offline in the unedited version. That's correct. Okay, let's take a break. You can tell me who it is.

But people will hear ads instead of that juicy, juicy tidbit. Unless, of course, you have Jake and Amir Clear. Yeah. Which is $400 a month. Okay, back on the other side of these words. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS

to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code Hell yeah. Segments. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any?

Oh, it's a lesson in the fire. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. mom i'm coming gross i think the well the well is dry this week it's dry i got nothing you've said everything you spoke your piece actually get clear get clear if you can you're sounding like a scientologist now. Try to go clear. No unsolicited, but I have a pretty funny slash frustrating story that might entertain people.

Interesting. As everybody knows, I had a lot of problems with my internet at the beginning of the pandemic. Everybody did. Everybody was at home. The internet was being absolutely throttled and spectrum internet couldn't handle the bandwidth.

It was too much. 10 million people working from home in the same city. So I looked to get other internet and wouldn't you know, Fiber, which is like the goat internet, it gives you a direct line into the mainframe, lets you download at 500, upload at 500, just the goat internet it gives you a direct line into the mainframe uh lets you download at 500 upload at 500 just the goat internet was just not available in my neighborhood sorry you have to use

spectrum thought that was illegal but okay i have to use spectrum literally no other option yeah cut to month 18 of this fucking dystopian future we're in at&t sends me a little card that says guess what we installed fiber in your network in your neighborhood huge you can get fiber if you want hell yeah sign me up it's cheaper it's half the price of spectrum and it's much faster and more reliable because again direct connection all right stress that enough yeah i'm in uh september 4th comes around i have an appointment fucking rubbing my hands together can't wait until this guy shows up uh and to install the internet into my house uh the guy shows up he's like all right so where's like the uh where's the big fiber pole near your house to you know

connect it to your house i'm like i don't know where the fiber pole near your house to you know connect it to your house i'm like i don't know where the fiber pole is they just said that you know where it is and you can connect it to my house you're he's like all right i'm gonna go for fiber you would know right and he's like i think that's it in your backyard uh yeah there's no terminal here like okay so what does that mean i don't know anything about fiber internet. I don't know what a terminal is. So put the terminal and put it into my house. And he's like, I can't do that.

I'm the guy that installs it once the terminal is here. I don't know why they said it was ready. Okay, that's frustrating, but you know what? I have internet. He says, I'm going to call the people that put the terminal at places. They put it in, and then I come back, and then I connect it and then i connect it great weeks go by they say okay we did it we finally put the terminal in uh a new guy can come back and install the internet awesome september 20th or whatever instead of september 4th uh guy comes back where do you want the where do you want the router underneath your tv where can i get the

wire in all right the terminal is here let me plug it in your router and uh there's no signal did they say anything about the signal not working no they just said that there was a terminal now there there wasn't now there is and that you could do it yeah i just i don't know i don't think that there's a signal here like there must be some sort of break in the splitter and the fiber and the blah, blah, blah. I'm like, I don't know. Again, I don't know how this works. Usually you just come and I have really fast internet, which is what I was hoping for two weeks ago. Locking the door. It's okay. Don't leave. Don't leave. to come out and fix this other issue that you have, which is the signal not getting to your house. Of course, yes. No, take your time, please.

No big deal. No big rush. I have Spectrum after all. Everybody's back at work, so my internet's working pretty fine. Then two more weeks go by. Yes, we found the problem. I'm getting texts from AT&T.

When do you want them to come? Oh, I'm in New York, but maybe on October 29th, which is just past week. I'm finally back from New York. The guy comes and he's like, okay, where do you want your router? I'm like, I already have a router. They came and installed it. There was just no signal. That's the problem. They said they fixed the signal. The router is already in my house. Wow. You already have the router. Yep, already have the router. Already got it all. And he's like, there's no signal.

I'm like, yes, yes, of course there's no signal. That was the whole problem. There was no signal on September 4th. No signal on September 20th. They say they fixed it. They're coming back. Let me guess. You have to call someone who will come back.

He's like, yeah, I think I have to call someone. And it's like a separate team. I'm like, there's so many separate teams. Call your manager and say what the problem is. I want to be here to hear it. And he's like a separate team. I'm like, there's so many separate teams. Call your manager and say what the problem is. I want to be here to hear it. And he's like, okay, no problem. Call the guy. He's like, yeah, we're not getting a signal to the house. He's like, okay, let me come over and look at it. Then his boss comes over, looks at whether there's a signal or not. Where's the pole? There's the pole. Oh, there's a terminal. Great. We're much further than we

were two months ago. There's no connection. don't know we're losing the connection between the main fiber hub of the city and you this pole specifically i'm like okay uh what do i do now obviously again i'm just a three-person i'm a podcaster uh he's like so you know what they can uh i have to call someone else to fix it i'm like okay great call someone else let me wait another few weeks he's like no no no no this these people will come out tomorrow really tomorrow on a sunday yeah yeah they just need to fix they won't even need to go to your house they'll fix whatever issue there is somewhere in the fucking neighborhood and your router will magically start working that was yesterday internet just doesn't work now i don't have anybody coming i don't have anybody saying that they'll fix it there's no communication with at&t anymore no signal no

nothing so now i have an at&t yeah this is this is in two days it'll be the two month mark of when they first said that they would come and they were not prepared for that whatsoever. And I have an AT&T router under my TV that's just blinking red, and I can't turn it off. So maybe one day soon, I'll get AT&T fiber, and this nightmare can come to an end. But now I'm so mad at AT&T that I'm like, maybe I'll stick with Spectrum, who I originally hated, just to get back at this other multi-trillion dollar communications company. Right. Because the experience has not been seamless. You can't really imagine that this is going to be a much better system. Right.

So I guess that's what people say. It's like whatever trillion dollar company you're mad at, you can go to the other one. But they're just as inept or fucked up or messed up as the one you have. The real goat was Fios. Verizon Fios. Verizon Fios. That was always my shit. That was always my shit.

But now I have the Spectrum family. Oh, really? And it's so individualized. I bet somebody has a great experience with Spectrum, and their internet's never down. Or somebody had an install guy for AT&T, and it worked instantly because somebody connected their terminal just fortunately so everyone has their favorite and everyone has their least favorite and they're all good and bad in their own stupid ways yeah it is interesting because i had spectrum at my last apartment and it was great it was fast it was reliable and here in this place it's not good it's like for some reason my cell phone wi-fi will not stay

connected oh on your phone but your computer does my computer is always pretty fine tv's fine everything everything that's connected to the wi-fi fine except for me and jill's both of our phones will sometimes just like not load pages even though we're connected to the wi-fi we turn off the wi-, everything's fine. And it's, and then how's, how's your cell data reception in your house? So like just regular old service.

That's fine. Yeah. So you don't, you almost don't need the wifi. Yeah. But you know, it's nice to have, and there,

there are devices that connect over wifi to your phone. Of course. So sometimes I just like, can't use our like thermostat because i need to be connected to a wi-fi and i'll just like oh and uh our ring doorbell wi-fi yeah you know having a smart house is kind of stressful it's not i want to have a dumb house i want i want like the fucking doorbell to just do a ding dong i just want a bell analog yeah and i just want like a i want like a thermostat that you that you press a button i want all the like a rotary phone a dial

i want that thick switch i want the chunky light switch yeah that's what i want but instead everything has a goddamn fucking app refrigerator yeah why did why does he have lights yes no i specifically uh took i made all the lights dumb i made all the lights dumb so you can't be like okay google turn the lights on in the house or something no no because i it's not worth my time it's easy to turn on a light switch it It's harder to command it with your voice. I don't want to just be talking to myself in my house all the time. Yeah. You had an Alexa, right, at the last place?

I thought you liked it. Yeah, I do. I still have an Alexa. Every once in a while, I like to ask her to tell me the weather. And that's just, that's about it. That's really it. Is it raining, Alexa? Alexa, help.

I don't know whether to take the rain umbrella, Alexa. Buy me an umbrella, Alexa. Will I be chilly in a sweater, Alexa? Okay, so get a dumb house. Yeah. Would you say having a smart house is dumb? Well, I guess in a way, yeah, I would say that because that's cool i feel like everybody i know that has a smart house is just like constantly on their phone and it seems like

a lot more effort than just like you know not having to do that yeah it's like look at this i can make the lights in this room blue you're like okay that's nice but why when will you like takes a minute it's like why isn't it connecting hold on it's not hold on it's not doing alexa blue alexa hold on i have to restart all right i'm blue cancel alexa please stop knock it off you're embarrassing me trolling me alexa okay um here's one more question for you is cuddling overwhelming or actually the cuddling is overwhelming yes from a lady right okay uh we'll call her cleopatra who's famous for cuddling interesting um i'm a 25 year old 24 year old retirement advisor and i started seeing this guy i met on a dating app okay, it was just for the hookup.

But here we are six months later, and we're still seeing each other. Here's the dilemma. This dude loves to cuddle. I'm talking about laying in bed until noon or even 2 p.m. cuddling every day. Sometimes he'll stop playing video games or want to leave the bar early so we can go watch a movie and cuddle somewhere. Don't get me wrong. I love a good post-coitus cuddle, but realistically, we only have 48 hours together every week, and this guy seriously wants to spend almost 20 hours of it cuddling. Factor in sexy time and normal stuff,

this leaves 22 hours for fun. What's this guy's deal? Is he in love with me or something? I recently moved to this area, and I don't have have any friends so i really want to make this the most of my weekends i'm getting a little annoyed that i'm wasting 42 of my weekend laying in bed am i being mean he always talks about wanting to get up early so we can go for a hike or go out of town for the day but he never gets out of bed my shoulders are hurting from from him holding me all dang night what should i do this is very funny uh tldr my man spends too much time cuddling yeah uh wow i like that she's sort of analyzing it with numbers like uh i'm i'm down to 42 percent of my weekend wasted in a cuddle sesh i can't i can't possibly borrow any more time she really is a good retirement analyst i guess

yeah she's really like you know meticulously keeping track so i thought that would appeal to you yes i guess that's more me every relationship as someone that meticulously keeps track of how much percentage of your weekend you wasted cuddling and then the other person just likes to cuddle and doesn't care about that i will say she did she mentioned cuddling and watching a movie which sounds a little bit more like watching a movie you know like that's yeah how much can you really cuddle i can understand like not wanting your legs are draped over each right but that's it yeah like well sitting in bed and just like i remember being in like a long distance relationship and there was like an element of like i just want to like hang out in bed and like stare at each other yeah so what's your love language i'm serious what's your love language i'd love to talk about

this i would love to talk about that do you want to know do you actually yeah it's all of them because you want all of the things all the time you want acts of service you want gifts you want loving language you want touching well there's what you receive and there's what you give. Yeah. For me, it's the same for both. I like receiving words of affirmation. I like receiving presents. No, words and service, that's my shit. And that's what I like to give as well.

I see. What are the other ones other than words and service? Touch, time, and gifts i see yeah gifts is a gift is a tough one to constantly want to get yeah gifts is low for me gifts is low but like you can do small gifts you know like i i got you a coffee i picked you up a keychain that's cool sent sending you a song i don't know i feel like it's just then there's also acts of service acts of service overlaps overlaps with the gifts a little bit yeah but also acts of service is really i think the the main one that's like that's the goat it's like they're all they're all service yeah service that's like that's what you do that's nice i also think that an act of

service is learning to speak someone's love language so like you know so you're like sort of giving yourself credit for that one if you're basically you want what i'm saying it's also a gift it is well that's what i'm saying like if you if you appreciate gifts but i don't give gifts that's not my love language but i do decide to get you a gift because i know your love language then actually that's an act of service and i'd appreciate words of affirmation if you don, if you don't mind. This is you at a marriage counselor. Because I'm technically giving her a gift every day with my service, which is also a nice word, which she doesn't give me. Yeah, don't you usually just give the ones that you want to get?

I think so. I think so. Like, I like service more than than words i don't need words really yeah no you don't um i'm i need words and i'm also free with the words i give them out um but some people who don't almost too willy-nilly yeah like because you don't you don't care about words but i'll give them to you and you don't you don't appreciate them so yeah so it's like it's almost like what's the what's the fucking point of being nice to you all? Well, every podcast episode you give me an artificial shit statue. So I wouldn't say you give me words.

And I knew you were going to bring that up. And that's a turdy right there for trying to throw something in my face. It's tacky. It's not fair. It's not fair. Not fair. You were, and I'll actually be taking the golden mic because of my acts of service

for the show yeah yes you think you do a lot and you yeah and you think i do i actually think i give a lot of time and a light touch to this sometimes a heavy touch i just i decide what it needs and i give it what it needs because that's an act of service and you have no love language you have hate languages for me. You give me acts of disservice, and you give me words of disgratitude, and then you give me anti-gifts. You give me an anti-gift, the Chertys

statue. These words are poison. These words are poison. I hope you know that. So what should this lady do? Sort of try to cut down on the cuddling time? How do you say that? I think there's a world where this kind of, like, happens on the uh cuddling time how do you say that i think there's a world where this kind of like happens on its own the infatuation starts to wear off you know yeah but it happens you can only cuddle for so long in an ldr it happens a bit slower um you can say something though you could just be like and i don't think you necessarily have to be like i

don't like cuddling we're doing this too much but like he mentions hikes then like you know take him up on that like you said you want to go on a hike let's do it you stand up you leave it's hard to like walk away from somebody when they're in the process of cuddling but i think he can be trained uh not unlike a puppy to just you know you get up go on the hike let's go let's get out of here we'll cuddle when we get home and the cuddle time gets shorter and shorter you can't stay until bed in bed until two i mean what kind of that's too long it's too long of a cuddle time yeah but i will say your concern is super valid i think he likes you i think he likes you he's definitely might actually yeah you don't want to cuddle with someone you don't like yeah um all All right. Let's take another break. Come back.

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all right one last question being quote the other guy end quote the other guy we'll call this guy will ferrell who is the star of a film the other guys good very good did you ever watch that movie i didn't frankly you know they shot parts of it at the ic building where we used to work i recall that that's a mark walberg flick yeah so i don't know if anybody wants to watch that film with Jake, reach out. Maybe he could do like this little act of service, a Zoom group watch, a Netflix watch party. I don't feel like I'm going to have time, but okay. Did you watch Succession last night? I certainly did.

Solid ep. Obviously a solid ep. Yeah, I think that was definitely the best episode of the season i would say oh interesting did you like all right actually did you know who that guy was the security guy who like went up to kendall and said like i know what you are i know you are something i did not but jill did and uh yes it was very very good yeah it's it's like a guy who knew about his thing at the end of season one right yeah and we actually watched that scene in season one it's the guy exact same guy yeah who's like in the room with them when logan tells him what to do right he basically cleaned it up wow so that was

that guy going rogue and like threatening kendall or was it like a message from logan to be like say that to him or something i feel like i you know i'm not sure but i feel like it was from everything is logan's pulling all the strings i feel like yeah i feel like it's from logan and then at the last shot of the episode is kendall staring at his phone do you think he's sort of smiling watching the fbi or was he sort of like watching the z-way show and being annoyed no i think that was he was at a low point he watched the fbi he's he realizes that it's this tit for tat chess game and that like he just won around and he's like yeah back up because they punched him hard with the letter he punches back the letter was quite a gut punch actually it sort of derailed this entire day yeah i felt like

season episode two was really good and fun to watch but everything ended exactly where it started so there was no like there was no forward movement it was like everyone said what they were thinking at the beginning of that episode they talked in circles for an hour and then at the end it was the exact same so i was a little upset by that not upset but it was kind of fun to see it was fun to see all the four kids in the room together it doesn't it totally it does not matter if the show is good or bad because it's always succession and it's a good that's a good actual critique it doesn't matter if the show is good or bad because it's always succession i'm just a fan boy but man they cannot lose you everyone is so good everyone's so goddamn good in that show

i asked uh avital when we were watching i'm like if kendall and shiv just started making out right now would that ruin the show for you and she's like it depends on how they justify it so like i think we're all just sort of held captive by succession and they literally can do no wrong. I think in like season five, we'll start to be annoyed. One thing I don't like that they do is they sometimes like make subtle references to like Logan Roy as Trump. And I'm just like, he can be his own guy. We don't have to like, at one point he like yells that it's a witch hunt. Oh, interesting. I didn't get that but yeah the season before that he was like i'll tweet and the markets will move i'm like logan roy's never been on twitter before like you're just

doing a trump thing interesting yeah that's in my head i wonder if i'll notice it more you might all right being the other guy mark walberg or Ferrell, writes, For a couple months now, I've been seeing my office coworker. Let's just say she's a dime with curves in all the right places, and we seem to click whenever we talk. Neither of us wanted our coworkers to find out, so we've kept it quiet. We'd always meet at my apartment a few times a week. We have fake contacts for each other in our phones and only meet in public coincidentally in groups.

I assume she didn't want anyone to find out because of the office dating rules and our nosy co-workers spreading drama. But last week we were at my place and I had just finished earning my golden mic. Jesus. She went to the bathroom and left her phone on the nightstand and it lit up with a message from somebody named Ryan. When are you coming home, dear? I moved it to the other side of the bed and acted as though I hadn't seen it. And I didn't talk about it. And she left without mentioning it. I'm not sure what to do. I can't talk to most of my friends about it because they're mutual coworkers. I feel shitty being the other guy, but I don't want to stop seeing her because

I feel like we have a connection. Is there any way that text wasn't from someone that she's dating slash married to? Should I give up something that makes me happy just because it's the right thing to do? Have either of you guys been the other guy? Thanks for your time. The insight would be greatly appreciated. Todah. Wow.

Okay. So here's, do you feel like that? I think that could be like a cute roommate or friend text, don't you? When are you coming? Yeah, at the very least he can justify it to himself by uh if he if it helps him sleep at night you can say yeah that was just a gay roommate that she has i'm not currently splitting up her relationship so i no longer have to think about it or ask her about it yeah at the very least i don't think that you can do like your own sleuthing to find out you're the other guy and then get your like this so far is not on you it'll be on you if and when she comes clean and says she's in a relationship then you can make

the decision but there's no reason to try to get ahead of something that hasn't happened yet you know yeah like do you have the moral obligation to find out as though like she's cheating on you yeah i don't think you need to i don't think the moral obligation is on you like what every time you match with somebody on tinder do you need to like be like hey how's it going you just making sure you don't have uh you know a significant other that you're actively trying to cheat on through this app like you have to let people just be in charge of their own lives and as you find out what they're up to, you can, you know, that's when you make your decisions. Well, there's a difference between asking up front and then also like I saw a text,

but then you have to sort of implicate yourself by saying that you snooped. Yeah. And the relationship isn't serious enough to warrant any kind of snoopage or anything like that. I think you just stay the course course proceed as like business as usual maybe with a with a with an ever so slight uh hint of suspicion so you can seize on the next opportunity if she mentions anything that sounds fishy you know you can you can find some way to like get this information out but i don't think you can be like do you have a boyfriend named ryan i saw the text yeah you could say what was your longest relationship when did it end have you ever hooked up with a ryan last night

sort of little casual things like that that's good yeah or like when you text her say when are when are you going to get to the bar, dear? See if that sparks anything. Sparks any joy. Get it? Like the guy Ryan that texted you last night? What's the deal there? Yeah, precisely. Okay, so you're saying you don't have to launch an investigation.

Proceed as it's been happening. Yeah, and I think you can you know mentally prepare for the fact that there might be some some revelations to come um yeah maybe you can talk about coming out as a couple and see how she talks or reacts to that that's interesting yeah it also definitely depends on how you feel about her. If this is like, if you like the casual work hookup, but you're worried that you're the other guy, I think you don't have to worry and just keep on the casual work hookup. But if you're like trying to get into a serious relationship, then I think Amir's right. You just kind of broach the idea of, um, you know, of like taking the next step in your relationship

and see if any Ryan things come up and do give us a follow up pup we deserve to know the answer to I would agree this does necessitate a follow up pup what if she was like you're snooping on my phone, Ryan is my dad

when are you coming home dear and yeah we hook up occasionally. But that's nothing to be jealous of. When are you coming home, dear? Definitely does not sound like a boyfriend or anything. It could easily be a father, a grandfather. Or a stylist. It could be a stylist.

When are you coming to see me at the salon? This actually does remind me of unsolicited advice that i have um oh i started re-watching mad men which is you know wow an affair-based show it's so good it's so fucking good you were saying people should just re-watch yeah yeah just re-watch mad men so you're done with new shows you're like let me just hop onto a show i watched 10 years ago i like i like watching new shows but usually it's like jill and i um finding new shows and this past week i was in la i was flying back um i was like scrolling through stuff on the tv and i saw that they had mad men i was like i'll watch the pilot again and i was kept hooked yeah i watched three episodes in a row it's so good i i think i told

you this but i watched every episode of mad men except for the last five that i was selling saving for a flight to australia and then i just fell asleep and then i never went back to watch it now i just have watched every episode but the last few you should definitely watch the last few yeah i don't i don't quite i don't even remember what the story was at that point. Let's do a Mad Men rewatch podcast. That's cool. Called Mad Women. And we just sort of talk as though we are the female voices of the show. I can be January Jones and you can be Christina Hendricks.

And we can just sort of go into stories that happen on set and it's sort of like an interesting tilt because we're not the show is so yeah masculine for what i was gonna say it's like it'll be interesting to hear so we play january jones and christina hendrix yeah i like this episode this is they were so polite oh i love roger roger is so funny he's exactly like that he's the life of every party etc whatever it doesn't fucking matter because it's a podcast there are no rules as much as i mean you're stupid but that's a really interesting idea for a show i'm christina hendrix i mean so you don't even disguise your voice either no it's just me but i i'm pretending to be the first person who played Joan. Yes.

So we call it Mad Women. Yeah. And it's just like, hey, welcome to Mad Women. I'm Christina Hendricks. I'm January Jones. And we're going to be re-watching episodes with you guys. First up is this first episode. And I liked it.

Being on set was fun that week. Oh, January, here's your debut. Here it comes. Wow. Thank you. So I remember shooting this scene do you remember this outfit jan yeah i was wearing it i put on a dress and i just said my lines would anyone would anyone fucking notice would anyone sue and if it was so popular could they

sue or would the wheels be in motion to the point where we could say it was parody or it was libel or it was slander so it was and then we don't get a cease and desist we just get a desist because january and christina are gonna enter and take over the feed we actually get a seize and insist so they'll take over the feed themselves and insist that they become the host that'd be cool i could see that working okay let's put a pin in that idea yeah and if anybody has jake and amir clear you actually have pretty interesting access to the rough cut of that first episode to the brainstorming of it which we're gonna get into now but we'll end this podcast yes this podcast as you're hearing it now is over thank you for uh listening thank you for submitting your theme songs and your questions

it's a fire you show at gmail.com and for more of us not jake and amir clear but we do have a patreon for 4.99 a month you can watch hundreds of videos we're doing jake and amir rewatches lonely and horny is on there my speech at your freaking wedding is on there correct in all time serious and all time and you know what it's it's november 1st so you get billed monthly for this stuff so now is the best time to hop on the patreon train because you'll get a full month for that 4.99 correct uh so yeah check it out and uh the opening theme song was that alanis morseette. Remember by Ander? Loved it. AKA Gander. Loved it.

This closing one is by Matthew, who said, I've been following you guys since Monopoly, and I just saw the HeadGum live show, and it finally motivated me to throw my hat into the intro ring. Here's my terrible rendition of the Full House theme song. No SoundCloud to promote, but feel free to plug my instagram the master of none good instead of master of none it's matster exactly where i make various arts and crafts oh my god another multi-hyphenate woodworking photo editing graphic design animation i can do all that shit too dude you cannot you cannot woodworking that's the hardest one. The hardest one. You can't do it.

Never held a saw. You've never held a piece of wood, frankly, which is funny because I resemble a woodland creature, but I'm afraid of trees. If you can believe it. I can't. Okay.

Thank you, Matt. And thank you to, uh, Andrew and thanks to you guys for listening and we'll be back next week. Ciao everybody. Peace. Three, two,

one. Whatever happened to seizing the cheese? Surge Man, the Game Boy, Amir's tourneys. You missed John Wolf and friends. Waiting for Tom and Ben. If I were your show, a podcast show, there is Jake and a golden mic too. If I were your show, a podcast show, there's a mere one coy dude If I were you, show Yeah, when you need advice And you're all alone

These two pals will help you along If I were you, show That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them.

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