Segments - 514: Breakfast Smoothie (w/Negin Farsad!)

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

Friend and fellow Headgum podcaster Negin Farsad joins us to discuss roommates, uncles, and her show, "Fake the Nation!"See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money get the five dollar meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only day off over a head gum Said mom gonna come over And listen to this podcast It's called If I Were You

These Jews they will give you Some solutions that will last Jake gets the golden It's a foregone conclusion Born for it 500 times the chip monkey will complain

that I wrote this in the theme song and for that the turdy is his to own cause it broke up the flow Of the podcast show Woo!

Wow! Mark Berman. Wow. Can you believe that? Mark Berman. No shit. I knew a guy growing up named Mark Berman, but I Can you believe that? Mark Berman. No shit. I knew a guy growing up named Mark Berman, but I bet it wasn't the same guy. Yeah. Because I think Mark's like a bouncer now. Bouncers never sing.

That's the most famous thing about bouncers. Yeah, everybody knows that. They don't have an artistic bone in their body. No, he was really artistic. You know what? I think I'm ready to call out all bouncers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You implied that heavily with your statement.

Nagin Farzad, how the heck are you? How'd you like that theme song? Oh my gosh. You know what? First of all, I love this feature of your podcast. And I also, what I love about that, this particular one is i thought the phoebe bridgers was a really out of left field person to parody you know because i feel like a lot of the songs that come in are a little bit more just like very very mean like mainstream bangers that

we all recognize easily and so to have this felt like i don know, it had a certain je ne sais quoi. That's right. High degree of difficulty. I should also just mention, just to make myself seem really cool, that I've met Phoebe Bridgers. That is cool. And she's like utterly delightful. Isn't Phoebe, Phoebe's great, right? Yeah.

Have you ever met her? Because you're calling her her brother first name. I've never met her, but doesn't it, no, yeah, yeah. It sort of sounds like I did when I say, like, oh, I love Phoebe. Oh, yeah. She's great, right? Yeah. Have you ever met her? Because you're calling her by the first name. I've never met her, but doesn't it... No, yeah, yeah. It sort of sounds like I did when I say, like, oh, I love Phoebe. Oh, she's great, right? Yeah, I love Phoebe. Totally. No, I haven't met her, but she seems awesome. And to make me sound less cool, I thought Phoebe

Bridgers was the fleabag actor and creator up until a few weeks ago. Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Yes. I thought they were the same person until very, very recently. You know, as did I. Yeah.

As did I. You and I probably found out around the same time when she covered the Bo Burnham song. Yes, exactly. No, I think that's a common mistake, and there was a moment where I thought it myself, but then I thought, that's crazy. Why would everyone be saying their names differently?

You know, because they are different, like a different set of words. Right. Like, oh, is this like a diminutive version of Phoebe Waller's, you know, yeah. Waller Bridge, which I always have a hang up about if I'm saying all of her names correctly. But yeah, no, I, so I think that was, that was coming from me, but then I solved that in just like a minute by googling it that's cool yeah no that's for sure that's for sure that's why you have a smart podcast and we're just sort of dumb dumb asses no I was just gonna say that's why you

guys are dumb asses I would thank you I was just gonna say that that's good people love it when the because guests usually are very polite it's nice that we already have the rapport that you can razz us like that but tread lightly because it's been a pretty brutal morning for me personally what happened i ended up stubbing my toe a few times actually which is what do you mean a few times is it, is it on the same area? Like, was it in the same piece of furniture or whatever? Several stubs, same toe, same furniture. Once during a reenactment of my dumbassery. The third time wasn't the charm.

I think I'm broken as a man and as a foot. Wait, is it a piece of furniture that you do this to a lot and that you keep saying we need to move this or whatever, but then you don't? Every furniture is stubbable in my eyes. So there's a coffee table. There's invariably going to be a leg there. Yeah. A bed, a classic one.

I mean, it's not I don't have a box spring on the ground. I have a wooden frame and that's stubbable as well. It's all stubbable. And I take advantage of that and it hurts and you know you try to be like a strong man when it happens and it's just like sure but at a certain point you do have to fall to the ground and say ah yeah and you're sort of laughing to yourself and it really did freaking kill yeah was it like a high-pitched squeal yeah it wasn't well i don't really know

because i browned out so i couldn't you writhed on the floor squealing like a little piggy yeah that was like a pig meat sloth i feel like that was a good yeah yeah, like a hybrid. That's how I walk now, too. So, Nagin, you are a host of a HeadGum podcast, if anybody out there doesn't know yet. It's called Fake the Nation. That's right. What's the elevator pitch? What's the quick logline for Fake the Nation? I mean, it's me and, like, a rotating cast of comedians, and we basically kvetch about the news and culture every week. And it's just really fun people.

Like, you know, we've had on like Margaret Cho and Neil deGrasse Tyson and Samantha Bee. Wow. Heavy hitters. We've even had on a former presidential candidate, Julian Castro. But he's not a comedian. But you know what? He can hang with comedians. Really?

And that's the main. And then we've also had Amir on the show. Yes, I was going to say in terms of heavy hitters, there was Cho, there was me, there was Degrass,

and there was Castro. That's right. That's the Mount Rushmore of Fake the Nation. I wanted to save you for last because you're the heaviest of the hitters. Yes.

Yeah, I'm a headliner. And you're running. I was waiting way closer to the election cycle to announce that. Because in this new climate, this cultural climate, it's sort of here today, gone tomorrow. So by the time I announce something today, I will be gone and out of the news, irrelevant and stupid by Tuesday. You got to let Andrew Yang's new book sort of fall off the, you know, bestseller list and then you can start thinking about your announcement.

Yes, exactly. It's all, it's the hashtag trending economy. Are you familiar with web 3.0, Nikki? No, what is that?

That's your platform, right? Yeah. It's something I'm trying to sort of popularize slash latch onto uh with regards to is it like is it like meta metaverse yeah there it is a lot of it is metaverse related adjacent augmented reality meets virtual reality you stubbed your toe wearing the oculus and i wouldn't hang out in the metaverse and that pain wouldn't exist in the metaverse that's the beautiful part everybody's completely legless.

Like that character from, what is it? Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings? Legless? Legless? Yeah, legless. I was thinking of Theon, who's like penisless. Oh, is he? Theon?

Greyjoy? That's correct. He's a eunuch? He was castrated by- I believe he was castrated. Yes, he was castrated by, what's his face? That's correct. He's a eunuch? He was castrated by... I believe he was castrated. Yes, he was castrated by... What's his face? Ramsay Bolton.

Or maybe just the tip. I don't know. It was a circumcision episode. He went whole hog because he mailed it. No, he mailed it to his... Well, mailed it. There wasn't really mail in Game of Thrones. It was email.

He ravened it. It was ravened to Theon's sister. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. Yes, yes, yes. No spoilers, no spoilers. I am only on episode two of The Sopranos. So I'm working my way through HBO's.

What was that through? Catalog. Liturgy, as they say. Yeah. You're in store for some really great torture. I'm excited. I'm excited. Yeah, it's really fun.

Actually, the only show I ever watch is Succession, so I can't actually talk with any knowledge about any other television Did you watch last night's episode? I did. Thank you for asking. Nikki, do you watch that show? I mean, absolutely. And I cannot stop thinking about the number of shirts and jackets

that were worn by one Adrian Brody on last night's episode. He looked like he was putting on new new layers between each i mean i was like did it go yeah did the number of shirts grow he just added a scarf what is happening it was and he was always appearing yeah it was always so funny he's like it's just a little bit further ahead i'm gonna i'm gonna run ahead it's like all right you already said that like are you running ahead or are you lost dude like you keep saying they're right here it's gonna happen like are they there or not it was so and it's it's so embarrassing when you're on your like hampton's

property and like you get lost in your own beach maze it's so embarrassing and like we've all been there so i like totally you know he was sort of trying to hide under his many performance fleece yes what about his uh the the crab lunch that he had airlifted in and they didn't touch they like they served them and they're like all right well let's go and then they all got lost okay so my favorite my favorite part was i liked when uh when kendall showed you know like when you go to any of your friends' new houses or like their even apartment or whatever, you like, you see it and you're like, oh, this place is so nice. Kendall was at this insane, insane mansion and just goes, yeah, nice place. So unaffected by like, yeah, guys, private island. Somebody found that house on Zillow and posted it on Twitter.

It was recently put on the market for $49 million, but eventually didn't sell, so the owner kept it. Is it in the Hamptons? Yeah, it's somewhere in Long Island. Okay, and it did not sell. Interesting. It's tough because the current COVID economy, like $49 million is a lot for some people. I'm going to take a look. I'm going to take a look at it. Yes, I'll send'll send you the listing yeah please send me the listing you can lowball them i do i do have a head gum podcast so that's right we're all getting a hamptons oh absolutely absolutely you only have to put like what 12 million down on something like that but can i just say something about all like the weird thing about that level of wealth is that they want to just be

on a private island in a house on many acres that's so private and they want to be on private jets it's just like being sequestered away from people and i just kind of think my hot take on wealth at that level is that it sounds boring and like very lonely you know i don't want to be alone all the time like that yeah it just sounds shitty well can you also be rich in manhattan yeah that'd be better to be alone and surrounded by people that kind of work from for you too like how many people did it take to steam all those clams you're just like surrounded by not your friends they didn't even touch them they did not touch the clams right like who's gonna tell you to your face that you're you know a dumbass if you're not yeah you know exactly and okay one last thing because this

isn't a succession pod but my favorite part of last night's episode i think transformations um yeah we could pivot entirely and that would be fine by me um when uh like they didn't have to write this in at all but just the fact that kendall's kids called facetime them to see the rabbit like it was just happening in the background of a scene that had nothing to do with it it was just like show him the bunny just like bunny cam background yeah like an assistant holding a fucking eye to a rabbit and it's crazy she's wearing like a power suit and she's wearing heels you know and she's wearing heels, you know, and she's crouching down to this bunny and she's like putting on that face you put on with kids where you're like smiling really, really hard and like trying to make it all look exciting.

I was just like, oh, God. What's Kendall's assistant, the rabbit assistant getting paid? Probably good money, right? She must be making bank. Yeah. She makes as much as Greg. Oh, yeah. Greg had an all-time episode. Probably good money, right? Yeah, she makes as much as Greg. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Greg had an all-time episode. Sometimes I feel like Greg is only there to be funny, and it's trying too hard. But I feel like this was very good funny Greg. The scene with him and Logan. He's so out of his element. Oh, my God. And then later with Tom when he wanted to wrestle. And just the intensity.

The surety of ordering a rum and Coke at like 9.30 in the morning. That was really like bold. And then also like Logan screaming to his assistant, like, get Greg a can of Coca-Cola. It was just like, I have never, Coca-Cola sort of like leapt out of the screen and punched me in the face.

It was the whole thing felt that intense. Wow, so good. So good. Highly recommend it. Jake and I were kind of probably the earliest watchers of it. So I feel like kind of responsible for its success, its growth, and a lot of the themes. We're watching the end of season one.

Yeah. it's success it's growth i mean a lot of the end of season one yeah i watched it in in real time at the the premiere of episode one season one wow i had a sixth sense about this show and i did you're right uh you know i am i i've seen kieran calkin was one of the playground dads like with my kid he's you know the brilliant Roman on that show and all I can say about him being

a playground dad is that he's quite delightful that's awesome no shit that's great to hear yeah I wish I could say something gossipy

great but I cannot I know he just has Kieran's great he has a lovely wife and a child do you know him I haven't met Kieran but I'm saying he's great.

He's a really nice guy. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I just want to make sure that we go through the list of celebrities that I've met in this podcast. So, like, we've crossed off two already. So, if we could just keep going. That's really cool. Plus, yeah. Plus, he said I was on the show, too.

Oh, that's right. That's right. Kind of counts as well. Celebrity-wise. Wasn't it over Zoom? Anyway, this is If I Were You, an advice podcast after all. These are people not unlike Kendall in really sticky situations. High stakes at that.

High stakes for them at least. And we do our best to advise them out of them. Nagin, we need a fake name because this is a 25 year old gal from boston and we don't want to out her with her true identity yeah oh tilda middington that's really good tilda middington yeah is a 25 year old gal from boston who has three roommates okay we're talking about that. Three roommates, all 25 to 26. And one of the roommates and I recently got into a disagreement about breakfast smoothies.

That's right. I have to wake up at 6 a.m. for work and casually mention to her how I really wanted a smoothie for breakfast one morning, but couldn't use the other roommate's bedroom because it's off, or I couldn't make it because one of our roommate's bedroom is off the kitchen and I didn't want to wake her up. My roommate scoffed and said the kitchen is a community space and

that I have every right to make a smoothie in the morning without our third roommate getting mad because that's quote part of living with roommates. I disagreed and view it as part of living with roommates is not being able to make a smoothie in the morning for context our third roommate works until 11 p.m and usually isn't home until after midnight so she wakes up much later than six am i right for thinking it's common sense to not wake up other people in the apartment or is she right in thinking that living with roommates means you get to have occasionally woken up earlier than you want. Thank you. Love, Tilda.

Ooh, that hashtag roommate life. When was the last time you lived with two to three roommates, Nagin? Did you ever live with two to three roommates? So I lived, I've never lived alone. I have, I lived with roommates, roommates, roommates until- You would love it. You would love it. You would love it. I was so... I loved having roommates. And I then met my now husband and we moved in.

So I've literally never lived alone. But I enjoy living with... And I enjoyed roommate life. I thought it was fun. And I think there's two things going on with roommate life one is you you have to be conscious of people and the like noise and all of that stuff so i think it's really thoughtful that that that that roommate it didn't make a smoothie because it was too early in the morning i think that's very thoughtful though also from the point of view of the roommate

who was sleeping in the adjacent room, I think you also have to be cool with sometimes your roommates are going to make noise at six o'clock in the morning and you kind of have to be cool with it. So both things are true. Like be thoughtful when you can, but also be cool about stuff that's annoying when you can. And then you become a successful roommate as I was for many years. I'm anointing myself a successful roommate. You'd have to ask my roommates if that's true. Best roommate ever. I was really just the most wonderful roommate.

Are you like very like, let's keep everything organized. Let's have a cleaning calendar, that kind of roommate? Or are you like, let's just do whatever we want. We'll figure it out, sort of carefree style. I mean, I was just just like let's all be reasonable like you know like let's just keep the kitchen and living room like pretty decent looking and let's just that only works when everybody is reasonable though i guess you had reasonable roommates i did i did i think you have to um that the selection process i feel like is also a big

deal you know because you sense that you're... The one time I misfired on the selection, I had this Canadian roommate. Oh, my God. First of all, red flag numero uno. Literally a red flag. That's the kind of stuff I bring to fake the press, actually. That's really good. Jake would never think of that, because he's not...

Sorry, I'm talking about you like you're not here, but you're not smart in that or any way. You're interrupting. When I said, do you get what that means, though? In a pun way. No, please. To insult. Literally a red flag. Jake, try not to explain it to him.

Do you get what that means? I'm serious. Did you get it, Jake? Do you get it? I resent being asked. Yes, Jake, Nagin, try not to, like, explain it to him. Like, do you get what that means? I'm serious. Like, explain it. Did you get it, Jake? Do you get it? Because I know Nagin got it. I resent being asked. Yes, of course I get it. Okay. I said it was good. I said it was good. And that actually immediately went to your head. And then you made Nagin stop telling her story.

Use this one nice moment to try to... It takes one level of intellect to get that joke. And, like And to make it is just off the charts awesome. I don't know if it was Nagin or me that made it. It was a quick joke,

but the amount of attention you're giving it is actually... Right, it sort of undermines how funny it was in the moment. Totally, yeah. I do want to point out that you can reuse that joke

in the future if someone said the same thing but was talking about Japan. That's good. So then you can go ahead and. Yeah, yeah. China. There you go.

This joke, just I'm saying, keep it in your pocket because it will come up again for you. Denmark is another one, Jake. I don't know if you know, but there's this country. I mean, the U.S. We have red on our flag. Canada is red and white. I mean, I think that we're talking about dominant colors you really can't you really you really cannot you really cannot that's absurd actually i'm

embarrassed that's fine i'll cut that actually i'll leave it in i will leave it in because people the joke wasn't that good it wasn't it wasn't that good, let me raise a white flag and surrender, a.k.a. the flag of, I don't know, fucking Kuwait or some shit. I really don't know flags that well. Now, like, you have me backpedaling on my own smart joke. He's so, like, infectiously bad. You were, like, listing countries that have red flags, and now suddenly you don't know flags that well. I'm pulling up the frick the freaking wiki page for it

and I can't really find one. That's mostly white, unfortunately. Okay. You've derailed the show. Yeah, Canadian roommate. This is a pivot that this podcast is now about flags and I've been waiting for you guys to make this announcement. Thank you.

So she's Canadian. Yes. She was a dancer, you know, moving to the big city to follow her dreams of dancing. And she was just, like, weirdly into violent dudes. Like, not anyone that was violent. Like, just, like, she'd be like, yeah, I met this guy, Robert. We're dating now. And he owns a gun, you know? Like, she would always come home with stories that I was like, just like, she'd be like, yeah, I met this guy, Robert. We're dating now.

And he owns a gun. You know, like she would always come home with stories that I was like, that's uncomfortable. You know what I mean? And like, I was out with this guy, Steve. And this other guy said something about how I dress look nice. And Steve punched that guy in the face. It was awesome. And I was like, you are very into the violence of these gentlemen.

She sounds like an American to me in disguise. I mean, right? And I was, she once then brought home a dude and his gun. Like, they both came home. And I was like, listen, I didn't know that I had to clarify this would be a gun-free apartment yeah you know you just want to make sure yeah i assumed it and that was my bad right and so then that's a baseline yeah yeah yeah you have to say that kind of put it out there on uh on the post um so would

you be the kind of roommate that did the smoothie at 6 a.m or would you be the kind of roommate that didn't get offended when other people made a smoothie? Or how would you react to smoothie gate? I'm first of all, not that bothered by noises like that. So I think I would be unbothered. I think I would maybe occasionally make the smoothie and then and then occasionally not so I wouldn't make it something that they had to dread that was going to happen every morning but they would have to live in fear of days that it might happen yeah smoothies are so loud especially in an empty like quiet house like we we really should have been we should have silent blenders by now i would think oh yeah we have silent toilet flushes you can get you can get those, like, Starbucks things where they, you know, they have, like, a big plastic cover that goes over the blender.

Yeah. A blender silencer of sorts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I really want the smoothie maker, the blender itself, to be quiet. All right, wait. So here's my, I think Nagin's right. Both things are correct here. You're right that you, it's your job not to like wake up your roommates but two i don't think that making a smoothie is that disruptive like it's only a couple it's less than a minute it's like that's true it's not like you're gonna wake up and start like gaming or listening to music or whatever i think like sustained noise is disrespectful but if you

wake up and need to make yourself breakfast, you're not going to grind coffee beans? Where does it stop, people? I can't fry an egg either. The sizzling of a bacon is also too loud. Enough is enough. During the pandemic, when Jill was on work Zooms in the kitchen and I wanted to make a smoothie for lunch,

I would just take the blender into the bathroom. I took it out on the porch one time. You know, that's portable. You can plug that in anywhere there's an outlet. You can make a smoothie in your room. You put everything you need to in the blender and it'll walk away. Under a pillow. Jake, this is a really excellent point. Like, let's break free of the hegemony of the kitchen is what you're saying. That's right. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Break free. I yes break free i like that i like that we're thinking that's thinking outside the box that's like a real roommate solution which is short for solution so make the smoothie um but potentially bring it into your room i mean or you can almost

like coarsely chop this stuff yourself like if, if you want to be really quiet, you can hand smooth it. Also, another solution is, if you've ever lived with voiceover artists, they buy those, like, foam booths, you know? Oh, yeah, soundproof. So they can do their soundproof voiceover. Or a podcaster. So you can take or a podcaster.

I mean, although I think we're a little more, you know, fuck you to like sound, you know, all the sound impurities. Yeah, we don't have to be as pure as a VO artist. Yeah, I'm not doing, you know, a Frito-Lay voiceover commercial at this setup. I would love to, don't get me wrong. And if anybody's listening,

I want to get into that world because I do think I have a pretty interesting voice with regards to brand content and making deals. Fritos? I only mentioned Fritos because I have done a Frito-Lays voiceover. Wow. That's cool. Yeah. A couple years ago, I was the voice of several potato chip flavors. Did you meet the Pringles guy? Don't talk to me about that fucking guy.

Wow. Did you date Captain Crunch? We don't do snack crossover like that. We keep it within the genre. It's incredibly frowned upon. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of gross. It's like kissing your cousin or something. It's just not right. Yeah. All right, sweet.

Let's take a break, come back, and answer some more questions on the other side of these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace.

Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s

cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back hey nagin do you have any mom i'm coming. Gross. Disgusting. Foul. Unnecessary. Yeah, yeah.

But do you have any unsolicited advice? So, okay. Actually, I have three unsolicited advices. Wow. If one of them you feel like is just garbage and not very good, then I could do the next one. Oh, gong it. Sort of lightning round style. Yeah.

Okay. So, here we go. So, my first one is that I think that I have a two-and-a- and a half year old, and I'm around a lot of parents who do not let their kids watch TV, like at all. No screens. No screens. I mean, so no screens. I sort of view TV differently from cell phones. Like putting on a cartoon I find is like, I was essentially raised by a television.

I watched TV all the time as a child. And then there were two parents involved as well, but mostly television. And I found that I do, so I sort of have been just ashamed that I actually do let my kid watch some TV. And I kind of keep it quiet. But I also just realized recently that she knows like basically the whole alphabet and all of her shapes and all this and all that. I mean,

she's in school as well too, but honestly, she's only started school in September. She's known a lot of this stuff, I think from educational TV. So I, my big piece of advice for all the people who are like no screens, I think you should just let your kids watch some TV. That's good. I like that. I think we went too far because, I mean, I'm also like down for the general idea of not watching TV, but then when I have to like babysit a four-year-old for like an hour and a half

and the only thing that gets them to stop being crazy is a screen, I understand the inclination to just say fuck it here's sesame street this is much better than me doing another puzzle with you enough is enough and like i was watching frozen with like some of jill's cousins it's awesome you know like i could fuck around with watching tv that seems as long as like i i like it too yeah yeah and i'm like i don't like daniel tiger like as a form of entertainment like i'd rather watch succession but um it's like daniel tiger literally talks about going to the potty which we're like in a big poop in the potty phase right now and yeah that's where you have to do it he He's truly, I mean, I've been trying to like really tell her that.

And he, Daniel Tiger's been telling her that too. And it's like starting to get, you know, and she'll literally be like, you know, poop in the potty like Daniel Tiger. But also she,

she speaks three languages and it's a great way of like keeping up three languages is like just tv so if you have like bilingual kids or trilingual kids or whatever um it i also highly recommend it because it makes other languages sound just more fun to them that's cool i always find it fascinating that like if i had a child and i moved to like Denmark, that kid would be Danish. Like the country's strength would override me. He would know Danish more than English. And I would be like the weird person in his life that speaks English and barely understands

Danish. Like just by merely moving to this country, he will become a Danish man. A Dane. It seems like he would stay what I am, an American, but that's not how it works. He would be ashamed of you. Yes, I would be an embarrassing and American man, all because I moved to fucking Denmark for him.

He'd have no respect for you in the end. Yes, whether I moved to Denmark or not. And then he would probably divorce you as a father. Yes, and he'd be right to. Your relationship would crumble entirely. Basically, when you have a child. Yes, and he'd be right to. Your relationship would crumble entirely. Basically, when you have a child. He would be emancipated, for sure. When you have a child, you can choose its nationality.

I can move anywhere in the world, and that child will be that thing. What power? Of a country? I mean, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Okay, all right. That was a good one. You're just one loser that stubs your toe all the time.

That was a joke. I stubbed it twice. The second time it barely hurt. On the same object. On the same object. Yeah. It was a goof. It was funny.

Okay. What's Unsolicited 2? Okay. Unsolicited 2. Watch More TV is a good one. Okay. What else we got? Specifically, kids should watch more TV.

Whatever. Yeah, I'm a child. We got the right takeaway. The other one is I have been on a big supplements bandwagon of like, take all these supplements to feel better and be energized and never age and all that stuff. And then recently, i just stopped taking all the supplements and that was fine and it was fine and so maybe so it's possible that one of my pieces of unsolicited advice is like you know just stop taking supplements and see what happens because i

think are you guys on a supplements bandwagon i feel like everyone i know is on a supplements bandwagon right now no i don't i don't take any supplements i wait actually i did i over the summer i was using creatine to go to the gym oh okay mass gains yeah were you ripped were you jacked i i put some bulk on it really and it gave you more it gives you more energy to work out it felt good did it did it stay after you stopped taking it okay yeah it did wow so you just have to take it and then it just continued i thought the whole fear is that you you have to keep taking it otherwise it goes away yeah i think you kind of do you like cycle on six weeks on six weeks off yeah and yeah it's not that hard it. Oh, have you been doing the multiple cycles?

Yeah, I was just on my third cycle. Just finished one. All right, there you have it. So yeah, supplement. Supplements. Well, Nagin's is to not supplement. Just stop, don't supplement. Like you're stressed out. Unless it's creatine.

It's hard to say what's useful and what's not. If you're stressed out that you have to remember to take supplements every day and you think these supplements are like making a big difference and you're like, oh, my supplements, I forgot my supplements.

I got to try, you know, I was like in that space. My piece of advice is just stop all of it. What about vitamins? Are vitamins supplements? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're telling me

I shouldn't be taking vitamin D, the most important one? Well, I guess Dr. Joe Rogan has also talked a lot about vitamin D being the most important. Yeah, now I don't know what to believe. But my actual doctor has also sung the benefits of vitamin D. So I'm going to go ahead and say, as your personal podcast doctor, you can carve that one out and keep it going. My doctor told me that vitamin D didn't matter. Interesting.

My doctor was like, everyone has low vitamin D because no one goes outside anymore. Right. It's kind of fine. But then shouldn't you then take it as a supplement? Take it as a vitamin? But also go outside. Yeah. That's what I did instead.

Yeah. Spend more time outside. My brother, who is a doctor, has said that he thinks, yeah, that we all suffer from vitamin D deficiency and that Americans have gone overboard with, like, not being in the sun. Like, they should just be in the sun a little bit. But then it's not good for your skin. I mean, I don't know. In small doses, it's just fine. It's, like, fine. It's like fine. That's good. Yeah. Then what about the whole putting your genitalia

in the sun? Have you heard about that little phenomenon? What? You're supposed to put your ass to the sun for maximum vitamin D exposure. Are you serious? I find it immature. I find it unnecessary. And to do that in public. It enters through the anus and it enters through the scrotum and labia

Wait, you just want to make sure this is a joke, right? Through your ass No, I think that's true Vitamin D absorption I did not realize there was more absorption through the assular absorption Perennium sunning In a mere 30 seconds of sunlight on your butthole, you'll receive whatever extra vitamin D

than you would otherwise. Drink it up. Oh my God. That's insane. Yeah, I guess because there's lots of grooves and wrinkles and it's an area that doesn't get sun ever. You can actually... I'm not going to say it doesn't ring true.

That's a good point. Yeah, it seems like a good funnel for the sun yes a sun funnel you can butt chug vitamin d from the fucking apollo but chug sunny d okay okay let's hear the third one i mean so far i feel like you're two for two watch fucking tv and get rid of your vitamins fries are good for you this is i feel like i feel like writers are terrible um okay and then my last one is so i had i was just being interviewed um like project like by by production for this like show that that is uh that we're doing and they were trying to figure out some stuff from my background.

And they were asking me if I have any weird habits or any weird stories from my life or whatever. And I felt inadequate, like I've led an uninteresting life. And then after I got off the phone, I was like, no, I've totally led an interesting life. And I started remembering a couple things, and I wrote them down. And then I was like, oh, I, from now on, I should sit down and write every interesting thing that's ever happened to me. That's cool.

And from now on, whenever something interesting happens, I should write it down because I don't want to seem like I've led an uninteresting life. Okay, now I understand what kind of roommate you are. You've said more than enough. Write down the interesting things that happened to you so that you remember them and feel like you've led a more interesting life. Yeah. I get it.

That's nice. No, I mean, because also like, you know, you forget these little things and there's no, you know, and your brain gets so overloaded with inputs from just life being like an annoying drag and like taking the kids to school and all that junk, you know, that you forget that like, you know, one time you were butt chugging the sun one time on the Inca Trail on your way to Chile. You know what I mean? You forget stuff like that. And so you want to, like, just notate those things so that you could look back. I mean, essentially, I'm talking about journaling, I suppose. But it's more specific than journaling.

It's, like, specifically remember, you know, making sure that you remember to celebrate your interestingness. Yeah. Some conversation came up at a party about a couple, like, writing down a list of, like, everybody they've, you know, either slept with or kissed or whatever. And it's like, just coming up like, oh, wow, I forgot about that one random night, like, creates funny stories that your other doesn't necessarily know about. Yeah.

Well, I mean, you know, I'm a stand-up comic. And I see comedians, you know, are using stuff from their lives. And then they'll say something about a memory. And I'll remember that I have some memory in the genre of teenagehood or whatever it is. And, you know, and it's all like about just being able to pull something from your own life. And it's crazy how little it's in your active memory, your own life is not in your active memory. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, like your child is two and a half, like even in five more years, like

there'll be almost eight. And like, how many memories do you have before the age of eight? Like, this seems like such a huge part of your life as an adult is raising this child from zero to eight. And, like, they will remember four things from that entire era. And my parents did such a terrible job of remembering anything of my childhood. I've asked them so many questions. When did I learn how to read? Like, what was school like? Did I go to, you know, 3K and 4K?

Like, none of, they don't remember none of it. And so part of it is, I feel terrible. Like, I don't want my kid to grow up and have all these questions about her childhood and then me also not have any knowledge of her childhood. Yeah. So, I mean, iPhones help. Like, oh, where were you on that day oh let me

look at the phones and videos now that i can have this record in the cloud of what happened your parents never had like a baby book my parents had baby books for all of us like i can i can go through my my baby book and i see little photos and like and read stories about me and my first words and stuff yeah immigrants don't do baby books. I see. That's just a rule. Your parents are immigrants as well. There's no Amir Blumenfeld baby book?

There's old photo albums. I don't know if there's a dedicated one to just me. Oh, yeah. No, no. Baby book is different. It's like a diary for the baby. Baby needs a book. And when adult Jake gets sad, he likes to see the baby book because

he's a baby sometimes uh that's funny that's really funny that's rich that's really something else what's the earliest video of you like right now there's videos of babies instantly, high def cinema mode, amazing high quality videos of babies. But like the first video of me is what? As a five-year-old on a VHS tape that may be lost forever? Oh, it's so depressing.

I don't even know because my parents, again, my parents were not at all about documenting any part of my childhood. So I feel like the first video of me was me in middle school because I begged my parents to get a video camera so that I can make little videos. So I think that's the first video of me. Yeah. Or, no, you know what? I think it had, not a VH, it had like a little baby tape.

Yeah, mini DV. I don't know what those were. That's what it wasvs yeah classic uh okay so just to recap um kids should watch tv stop taking your vitamins and write down interesting shit or you'll forget it and be sad today. Perfect. Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean, three for three as far as I'm concerned. I feel like you knocked all three out of the park. Yeah. Yeah.

In the retelling, I feel slightly ridiculous. But when I was thinking of them, I felt like they sounded so great. Yes. No, that's correct. Yeah. When you say them all back to back, like when I dispense all my

wisdom in a list it's not going to sound very good but i'm sure when i come up with it i'm gonna feel like a gosh darn genius about it uh okay let's take one more break and then we'll answer more questions i promise i promise yeah thank you toKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft

kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those

yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six apps select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time pick six players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits. Whoa-za. Very cool.

Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited.

One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable. Pick six credits. Expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. All right, we're back. One last question from a 23-year-old PhD school student at West Virginia University. Okay. So, Nagin, do you have a fake name to refer to this man as?

A PhD student at West Virginia University? That's right. right um so so um uh kylie minor house kylie minor house right from a minor house i'm a 23 year minor house. I'm a 23-year-old guy attending a PhD school at West Virginia, and I adopted a cat about a week ago. She had a seizure the first day I adopted her, and she needs medication every 12 hours for four weeks. And that's not even the sad part. My girlfriend's uncle has stage four bone and brain cancer, and she's going to visit him next week. She wants me to go to northern Michigan with her and her mom for nine days because she doesn't want to be alone.

Frankly, I can't miss a week of school and research when my boss has already voiced concern about me being out too much to visit my girlfriend because she was gone for a week for her birthday in October already. And on top of that, I'm new here and I don't know anyone who can cat sit, which now entails a medicine and a constant check-in to make sure she isn't having a seizure. By the way, I can't bring the cat because her mom is allergic as fuck. So am I a bad person for wanting to stay and take care of my cat? Should I be more considerate and do anything possible for her? me if your family member was dying i'd drop anything and be there for you but it's not quite that simple your wisdom would be greatly appreciated and i promise to do a follow-up pup thank you kylie kyler kylie wait kylie minor house kylie minor house by the way i i believe that kylie is a gender neutral name but i also didn't notice this was a man yeah yeah it's a man now but so wait what year you said what year they were in the phd program he's a 23 year old in a phd program that's right so pretty early on into the phd pretty early in the phd unless they're like a doogie hauser type in

which case yes they're really well into it yeah right that's how you're into it yeah i don't what i mean so this is a tough one because i see how logistically difficult it is yeah um significant other funeral is always a very difficult situation because it's like do you go and then it's like if the significant other is going then it's like does it extend out to here like how close were they how obligated are you close to them there's lots of like variables to determine whether you should be attending that significant other's family's funeral there's no fucking no there's not yeah there is no if it's a distant cousin like in israel i might not even go and if if I go, do I expect my girlfriend to go? There's a travel logistics of it involved.

I think that... And this person's not even dead. It's not even a funeral. He's sick. This is fucked. Wait. This is fucked. What's your position, Jake?

I'm confused. I think you have to go. This is a... Uncle has... Uncle. Uncle. Uncle. Uncle.

That's the other thing. That's... Uncle. Uncle. That's the other thing. That's... Uncle. Uncle. I think if the person you love says, I need you to come because I would be there for you if someone was dying, that's all you need to hear. It's not about the uncle, the uncle self. It's about your relationship to your girlfriend now.

You don't come back from this you don't if you stay to care for your your cat while your girlfriend goes to watch her uncle die i think you're i think it's over now hold on also is it a funeral or it's an extended period of time where that is unclear where i think it's like he's on death's door and they're going to be with him for nine days oh i see yeah the uncle's sister this girlfriend's mom is going and then the girlfriend's mom wants the girlfriend to come and then the girlfriend wants the boyfriend to come i think it's enough degrees away removed that he doesn't need to go. I kind of agree with you. Is that Randall?

Is that freaking weird? Are we heartless people? Because I think also when you're in that situation, you don't want a rando in the mix. And the boyfriend is a rando, essentially. You know what I mean? I think he can do two days he can do a weekend he doesn't need to be there for all night he can do two days give her two it's two days that's that means you were there you did the hard part you traveled with her you're leaving a little early also i don't know bunch of, I mean, look, people have died in my, not to be like shaming her for whatever her emotional needs are, but like people have died in my life

and I have not needed that much for my boyfriend at the time. You know what I mean? Like I haven't. Come with me. Also, I haven't guilted him by saying like, if it was your family, I would be, then I feel like maybe you guys aren't even on the same page about your how your emotional needs play out i don't know yeah yeah but i think

it's it's it comes down to doing what you're the person you love needs so whether or not you need to be there for the uncle or the uncle wants you there, if the girlfriend says, I want you to come, I think you have to go because it's life and death. Three days. Then I really have to stop negotiating here. I mean, you have me pent over a barrel, all right? I'll give you three. And three days is very generous. I feel like at this point it's a take it or leave it offer, Jake.

No, I mean, I'm us. And that's really best and final. I'm not negotiating any time, but you have to go. You do have to go. And I think you kind of have to cede the opinions to the people that are suffering the most. Because you just have a cat and everybody else is like, you know, dying. Not everybody, just the uncle. Let's not spread this illness actually it's a very sweet little kitty that has seizures so you want to make sure that

i care about the cat too but i think you could find somebody there's enough people in the world that care about the cat that you could uh the uh you could figure something out the subject line was am i in cat siderite Does that change your opinion, Jake? I think, if anything, the girlfriend is incatsiderate. Thank you. Because this guy is probably over the cat-siderate. He just really wanted to use the pun. Yes.

It's not really a cat. Well, he's too cat-siderate. He's thinking mostly about the cat. Yeah. Okay. So that's my final. Best and final three days. I'm with you but then i really

gotta get back was there a time specified it was nine days nine days she's going it's a it's a it's two weekends you're you're in a phd program there's all these like demands on your time you've got this sick cat nine days is a lot yes i would i would sort of be like i would love it if you could come for a little like if i was the girlfriend i would have been like oh i would i would love it if you can make it for some amount of time you know like i understand nine days is a lot whatever i'm not going for a full hanukkah. I mean, it's Northern Michigan we're talking about here. You have to be with your mom. What, am I just going to be twiddling my thumbs in the fucking hospital waiting room?

So should we like postmate something? Like how does that go down? I honestly think families don't love having a person there that nobody knows because they want to say a bunch of like personal intimate things in these final days and like having that extra person that they don't know, even though it's great for the girlfriend to have someone that she can cry on their shoulder, I think it's not great for the overall family setup. Yeah.

No, you're on support duty. You're like hug the girlfriend when she comes back from the hospital. You're drop off coffee in the morning. You are like the person that is allowed to miss some of like those. Yeah.

You're a gopher. You're just, yes, you're a gopher. Which I understand is, you know, nine days of being a gopher is a lot.

So you say, I'm going to come, you know, on the weekends. Both weekends, maybe. And it also depends on how close you two are.

Like, there's a different level of girlfriends. They've been dating for two weeks. Yeah, exactly. Almost the amount of time he's had the cat. Wait, did he specify how long they've been together? No, they did not. That makes a huge difference. Close enough for this to be an issue.

That makes a huge difference. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Let us know. I'm on the edge of my seat. Let us know how she handles the whole three-day thing i have a feeling she won't be as lenient as me a third party who's just telling you what to do but um we look forward to hearing what's up and again we'll keep you posted as well

please keep me posted because i'm also a tiny bit worried that i'm a heartless monster it's yeah i honestly thought you would take jake's side and i would be alone one against two it's possible yeah I honestly thought you would take Jake's side and I would be alone one against two it's cool that it went that way I appreciate that yeah listeners let me know if I'm a heartless monster I will amend my ways I really can't tell now

tweet at Nagin hashtag heartless monster okay Nagin one last time your podcast how could people listen to it and what's the deal oh my gosh

you can subscribe to Fake the Nation wherever you find your podcast it's such a to it oh my gosh you can subscribe to fake the nation wherever you find your podcast it's such a fun time we've had such a wonderful run at head gum and the hits keep on coming every week with a new episode on Thursdays

hell yes fake the nation check it out I'm on an episode that's how fucking good it is can you imagine me on the podcast it's that good but you should listen to uh the newer you know but we have one of my upcoming guests that i think is so exciting is bob the drag queen so definitely uh listen so you can see uh hear that episode oh all right check that one out for sure um thank you so much for coming by thanks Thanks so much for having me.

This was fun. And I really hope that I've somehow retained my humanity, although I'm not sure if I have. You did great. Don't let us drag you to hell. Okay, if you have any of your own questions or theme song submissions, the email address for all of that is ifi if i were you show at gmail.com the

opening theme song was that phoebe bridgers parody um i don't know if i said this but uh he that guy has a new song dopamine which can be found under the name fully involved on all streaming places or you can follow on instagram or tiktok at fully involved mark to see that an aforementioned phoebe costume oh he dressed up as phoebe bridgers for halloween that's cool wow okay i didn't read any of that stuff so let's play the song again because i messed up at the top let's give one last shout out to mark berman who dressed up as phoebe bridgers uh and has a new song dopamine, which can be found under that name fully involved on all streaming places.

all right, let's play that one more time. The, if I were you Kyoto, Phoebe Bridgers parody. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye everybody.

Later. Bye. Day off overhead. head gum said mom gonna come over and listen to this podcast it's a foregone conclusion. Born for it five hundred times. The chipmunk he will complain that I wrote this in the theme song. And for that the turd is his to own. Cause it broke up the flow of the podcast show. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help.

But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bedsheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover.

You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.