Segments - 515: Gulp

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

In this episode we discuss building things, eating things, and writing things.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Well, you have to take out your key anyway.

Yeah, but a key is for a door. Yeah. A phone is for your home. And a wallet is for the mall. Yeah. A phone is for your home. And a wallet is for the mall shit. None of that rhymed. You didn't have to force it. Wallet mall shit? Yeah, that one did because you made it rhyme. But the first two. Home, kinda.

And then a key is for a door. I just can't believe what I heard last show. The keys for the door and the phone is for home Don't tell me the pinch is out of time He's falling to pieces trying to rhyme And he took home his first hurdy Cause he had a bad show He made us all frown Trying to rhyme, and he took home his first hurdy Cause he had a bad show, he made us all frown

Tried his dang best, couldn't turn it around Wallet and shit, they didn't quite fit Tried to justify, but he couldn't survive He had a bad show, the chipmunk don't lie He laughed while we cried And tried to claim the gold mic You had a bad show On if I were you You know, Jake may have gotten that turdy, but you better believe he walked away with that GM, that very same app.

Hey, long live the streak, Jake. Stay humble. Wonder, so now the golden mic is quasi up for grabs quasi and we'll see but try not to get too grubby wow that was

that was powerful that was like the first it moved me to hear that and it was cool to have it there I won the golden mic this episode for the theme song how fucked up is that oh my god oh my god have you ever seen that oh my god dude have you ever seen that happen before where i won the golden mic based on the song because because i put that in motion when i made that failed rhyme i wonder if i knew at the time that it would result in a theme song no of this caliber it's crazy oh my god

i don't say oh my god like you're discovering something you just what just happened really what just even happened just now i don't know you're i did create it you tell me what happened you're right i i think i agree with that i created that theme song by by my failed rhyme in that episode when i took home that turdy it was actually a seed that grew into a golden mic tree, and I just picked one off during the theme song. That was like a collab. It was an alley-oop between me and who was that? Oh, my God. Matt.

Oh, my God. I was kidding. Mark Wahlberg holy shit dude wow a golden mic for me what did I do not you

not you and not you what do I deserve this huh that was a cover of Bad Day by Daniel Powder remember Daniel Powder yes yes yes I do absolutely actually this guy an Australian Bad Day by Daniel Powder. Remember Daniel Powder? Yes. Yes. Yes, I do. Absolutely.

Actually, this guy, an Australian, so he says, for any Melbourne-based listeners, check out Brunswick Burn on Instagram. It's a chill oil company, chili oil company that I found. It's chill and chili. It's pretty chill oil. It's chill oil. It's like BP, but a little more fucking chilly. Interesting, yeah. He found it with his girlfriend, and it's vegan, gluten-free, and delicious.

So shout out to Brunswick Burn. Also, if there's time, shout out, and then somebody else. Do you think there's time, or should we just move on? There's a little time. There's a little time. Why don't we do it? Because the song actually did own at the end of the day, thanks to me and Danny P.

You mean the original songwriter of the song and you? I'm actually the original songwriter of the song and you i'm actually the original songwriter of the song did i not coin the the train the phrase uh wallet and wall shit mall shit excuse me oh my god oh my god i just won we need that uh head gum podcast sound effect wow wow shout out to my bro benny k who introduced me to you guys five years back love matt yeah that's actually pretty cool because uh you're constantly thinking about moving to australia so this guy would be like a cool sort of entrepreneur slash artist slash sort of lethargo because he has a girlfriend um to like link up with and then sort of have as a home base when we first get there that's awesome yeah what i do i have been

threatening a move to my motherland uh which is australia i think and we need like sort of like we land we need someone to like pick us up to like get our bearings where does he can't just like where does he say he lives is the thing he's uh melbourne melbourne that's pretty good yeah that's pretty yeah i think if we follow the chili oil company on insta we'd become like part owners or something and like equity in that company and then we sort of turn that into like sort of that could be our new life if we've sorry you said follow it on instagram we'll become part owners well we would follow and then we would eventually well you would promote takeover do an instagram takeover but then actually an actual hostile takeover a bear hug of the chili oil company and turn it into a chill oil company and then yeah you have an oil spill

off the golden coast how's that chili oil spill that's that's actually really good marketing a bp chili oil spill oh that's good that's and we get someone underground to like, what's it called? 60,000 tons of chili into Byron Bay. Yes. And so all the dolphins and sharks come out with like cool like siesta and fiesta style like garb. And it's like they turn into like this fun sort of baja california house party i start yeah like shaking some maracas and i yeah that's good that's that's right that's actually really really good and i'm gonna cut that part out of the podcast and uh dm brunswick burn about it yeah definitely cut it out and give that a shot i'd love

love to see that um okay let's start the show for christ's sakes you already won the golden mic so let's see how you earn it oh my god wow it's starting to weigh on me the amount of turdies that i've gotten really well you don't you haven't even gotten a turdy this episode you can't just be happy for me that i got the gold during the song wow uh this is if i were you the only advice pod on the wad hosted by us i'm amir i'm jod that'd be awesome you're Amir Jod. That could be your Australian name, because a lot of people in Australia have weird-ass names. How do you do, mate?

I'm Jod! I'm Jod, mate. Jod. Can't you imagine that? It's a fine thing to spell and see, but you've never heard that as a name. You call me Jod, mate. Jod, mate. Yeah, exactly. My name's Jod. Exactly, yeah.

My old buddy Gid, or something like that yeah so j-a-u-d-e uh all right we got some uh real questions from real people uh we need some fake australian names to preserve their anonymity. Yes, yes, please. Chris, actually, you know what? Let's call yet again another person on this podcast, Patrick Rafter. A classic. Yeah. Jod Rafter writes, Is it reasonable to love plants the way one might love a dog she keeps dropping hints that she can't get rid of any of them because she loves them like i love my dog i don't want to hurt her feelings

and i'm not sure when enough is enough she wants to go to the plant nursery again to look for more is it fair to compare her plants to my pup if so what do we do about the furniture if not how do i tell her it's not the same thing as having a pet? Many thanks. Love, Jod, P, Raft. It's interesting writing on that. He just said he didn't introduce us to anybody, but I'm assuming he dropped a paragraph or something, copy and paste error. Yeah, maybe there was a picture of a lot of plants in a home or something like that. So his significant other is saying that...

I gotta have more plants. And then he's like, enough is enough. And she's like, it's the same thing. You love your dog, I love my plants. They're actually living, breathing things. Yeah, but it's not the same because she has to have many plants to fill the void, and he only has to have one dog. So in theory, there should just be one

plant that takes the place um do many plants amass to one dog maybe so because there's you're it's something that you nurture and care for and think about yeah so like it's definitely action but i think individually it doesn't match the dog yeah i think in i think yeah plants first in order of responsibility slash love and care like you still gotta care for a plant and it's sad when a plant dies and i know because i've killed many of plants then above that is dog yeah you'd be sadder if your dog is sick than a plant is sick still bummed but more bummed because it's a living breathing you know you play when you interact with this dog yeah the dog has eyes it can look at you and you see yeah yeah yeah and then probably above that is kid though i haven't had one yet

maybe the kid is in between plant and dog i don't really know how baby factors into the equation yeah so it's like those are like three equally distant things plant is a one dog is a 50 and kid is a what i know 72 or some shit right out of 100 yeah and cactus is somewhere there too 72 yeah yeah a succulent i mean i it's it is interesting because it feels like these are just two separate thoughts that two different people will have there's not really a way that you can get her to agree with you, but I don't think she has to, unless you like really need her to stop buying these plants. Yeah.

And then it's weird to tell her, because some people are plant lovers. They're like, Avital is kind of like this. She's like, the more plants, the better. There's no amount. Like she would love to come home and it's like fucking fern gully plants everywhere. And do you temper that? Are you like like let's not add any more plants we have

enough plants no i mean i don't we haven't gone to the point where i have to like push back but i also wouldn't mind a lot of plants i like the way you know nurseries smell and look it's nice better than stark white which is how i would decorate a house yeah and but do you have to i guess like the question is like as long as you're not the one caring for the plants it shouldn't matter that much i like plants around i don't like dying smelly plants with fucking uh gnat infestations so i can imagine not being into that if somebody's like i want plants but they're not taking care of plants because i've had plants that suddenly get bugs on them

or they just start wilting and you try to water them and they just smell weird. So I can picture not wanting to live in a place like that. But then also dogs kind of smell bad. Dogs can smell pretty bad. They smell pretty bad too. You got to watch the dog. You got to wash your plants.

You got to dust your plants you gotta water them feed them everyone's got a different schedule everything's responsibility and never fucking ends yeah and then eventually you'll be gone so i guess and then everything learn how to take care of shit responsibility yeah that's right um so can this guy say enough is enough or maybe you don't want to say my dog is different then it sort of like puts this weird competition slash animosity between right you're you're starting from a weird place which is i like my dog more than you like your plants that's not what the argument is actually about the argument is actually i think we have too many plants so

take the dog out you can just be like, I know you love plants and I love my dog. Aside from that, I think there's too many plants in the house. So the argument is about how many plants can fit in the house, not how much she loves plants and how much you love your dogs and what a relationship between those things is. Yeah. Yeah is there a maximum is there an amount of plants where you would say no more i think every room should have one to two yeah one to two in a corner let's say yeah i mean but like if you had like fucking vines and shit i wouldn't flowers i i would not like that wall fucking things with planters in the wall and all that stuff.

Yeah, no, I don't like that. I like a pop of green. I like a plant in the corner. I like a plant on the shelf, the viney things on the shelf, but maybe just one, you know? I'm trying to think of my living room. We have two plants in.

I could live with a third, maybe a tree. That'd be nice. A tree? Yeah tree yeah wow i got tall ceilings i live in new york city you know is that a thing i don't know these old houses in new york had a lot like nice tall ceilings yeah back when people were just like eight foot four by accident like come see the world's tallest freak he lives in this building and he had to have like super tall ceilings exactly exactly but when the houses were built they had nice big big windows and tall ceilings i think to i don't even know why actually because it was more heat efficient to have the smaller rooms well you know what they say houses in new york have so much unnecessary space you get so much space for your buck so so it's probably all part of the amount

of space that's just overflowing and abundant with regards to homes and apartments in New York City. Well, yeah, they've made it New York a lot smaller. They sectioned it off. And that's what we're here to talk to you guys about.

We're hoping to make New York bigger. It's kind of a passion project knock down your walls folks i want manhattan to be two i want it to be double i just like figure out a way to just yeah i don't know imagine living off set the 17th ave in 130,000 street. 17th Ave. Yeah. Let's widen it. Let's widen the berth. Let's lengthen. Yeah, well, it could go into New Jersey, frankly. It could. And it could go up to Westchester.

If we needed it to, that could all be Manahatta. Yes. I want to push, I want to re-Pangea New York. Sort of shove things together like a puzzle piece. I don't hate that. And make it bigger. It's an anti-river philosophy. Oh, yeah, we don't even have to shove it together. We just have to fill in the rivers.

Interesting. What about getting Phil Rivers to sort of hop on board this campaign? I feel like, yeah. Phil Rivers fills in the rivers yeah and it's just him sort of doing like the first it's like sort of a ceremonial thing like the groundbreaking but the river filling that's cool so he's like tossing in the first I don't know what would it be mud into the river to start filling a shovel full of dirt or a stone yeah how much how much would you have to use trash I think you would just have to have a floating landmass of plastic, dog shit, bags, garbage, styrofoam, cups, whatever, debris. But that would be 17th Ave.

I think we're describing a pilot of an animated show where a series of crazy entrepreneurs do insane things, like fill the river up with garbage. And we could do that because it's animated. And then people start living on the street, and then I don't know what goes bad in Act 2. The garbage starts coming up and infiltrating the houses or some shit like that.

I do like an animated show where you and I play two competing egocentric billionaires. Imagine I play an Elon Musk, you play a a jeff bezos oh that's cool each trying to one-up each other by like you know we go into space we're building an island in the middle of the pacific ocean that's good yeah we're we want to like colonize mars the goal of the show is that we're both fighting to become the first trillionaire so it's called first trillionaires oh that's me versus you you could be yeah bezos and musk are probably the closest comps but we'd have to differentiate the two it can't be two of the same characters right it would have to be like a sir richard branson and a jeff bezos yeah one who's like going into space and

the other one's just chilling with yachts. Or maybe, yeah, there's also like the Barry Diller type where like the old media tycoon. Right, yeah, tycoon. And yeah, I feel like Sir Richard Branson is more of a like fun-loving, wacky. He's like the Hansel in Zoolander type. You know, like, I'll spend my money and I'll go to Nepal. Yeah. And then I feel like you would be more of a Musk,

kind of like the genius, like an inventor or something. Yeah, who has a borderline personality disorder, so he don't really have any friends. And I named my kid a series of weird characters that's good yeah yeah so you would be you would be the richard branson one is that what you're saying i think so yeah just because the the blonde and the brunette of it all yeah it feels right that's the only way to differentiate it yeah all right let's discuss um a story and b stories during this break so we can really beat out this pilot um and then we come back we'll continue the podcast after these messages blow out the cast as well thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show

hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. so if you're looking to buy a domain name

for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com segments segments you save% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the fight! Mom, I'm coming!

Gross. I don't you do yeah i mean in general just go get your booster you know the vaccine the efficacy weighs after six to eight months we're all in that zone now right okay i'll second you got it i haven't we all got it right last spring yeah yeah i haven't gotten my booster yet but i should do that yeah and the booster uh wildly varies in terms of side effects some people don't feel anything some people are shaking and sweating in bed and that was me for about a day and look at me now i feel fine wow and you had not did you have the reaction from the vaccine? I did. I had a sort of a similar, but not, I guess, as intense. Yeah, I was like more tired from the second one and like kind of stiff and sore at night. But this time I like woke up and I was like, I'm so hot.

I'm so sweaty. I need to like, then I got really cold and I went to a bath. I sent Avital a series of photos of me sort of struggling. So, we have this photo collage. Here's a fun one of me with a moist, I'll send it to you, a moist washcloth on my head. This is what I looked like at 6 p.m. the following day. This is a good... I cannot wait to see this. A good ad for vaccinations. Not to scare anyone from getting it of course right no it's a rite of passage i mean it's fun because you can you get to either talk about how sick it made you

or talk about how you didn't feel anything yeah it's like people love this shit and it is fun to feel ill because you know where it's coming from it didn't surprise you and it always does go away and you're like oh i feel much better now it's kind of like the end of a hangover yeah yeah i love that moment when the hangover fades yeah so you wake up sort of in a pool of sweat and this is what um i'm sending you the photo it looks like there's i'm wearing a wig or something but this is just a second oh my god it's like a squirrel on your face i'm red and happy you're she asked me how i was doing you're flushed sir you're you're burning you're absolutely burning you can see the sweat on your neck it looks like you just came out of a sauna.

Instead, I just came out of a nap. And there's a thermometer in my ass. Jesus Christ, man. You sure people should get boosted? I think so, because I think if I got corona, I think if I got COVID, I would feel like that for two to four weeks. So it's nice that it condensed it into one 24-hour sesh that will prevent it from ever happening again. Hopefully. Hopefully.

My good Lord. But yeah, let's all do our part, people. And yes, I'm still going to be wearing masks in a crowded indoor environment. It's just the right thing to do. Yeah, yeah. I went to a show last week and i wore a mask is that good was it fine was it not ideal but kind of nice was it dystopian in a non-fancy way it's yeah all of the above it's like you got it but it sucks but it's fine because it's necessary

and it's not that bad but you kind of miss the old days i threw away all my masks and i had to get them all again i did have to i had to replenish masks i was like i was letting them run out around the time that uh like over the summer uh when everything was opening back up and now it's just uh yeah i'm starting to see ads for uh mask accoutrement so like there's a bunch of ads during basketball games for something called the cool turtle i think where it's this plastic thing that you put under your mask so that your mask isn't like too close to your lips so like it's almost creating like this air cage in between your face and the mask that's interesting i wonder if i would yeah yeah it seems like another annoying thing to add but maybe it makes the mask wearing

like if you're going to wear it for like a flight maybe it it really does work yeah it's i mean wearing the mask through the grocery store whatever is never never bad but i feel i feel for the people that have to wear them all day it's not fun i like putting it on like entering a bank in a grocery store because i get to sort of feel like a robber for a second yeah that's nice it's like i put on the mask and i walk in there i don't really steal on the mask and you run in there right yeah where do you guys keep your navel oranges i'm i'm in the market for a tangerine sort of huffing and puffing wearing i'm also wearing a ski mask just to yeah double up my efficacy that's right because you want to cover your hair

as well yeah uh okay let's see here uh next question next thought next thing to do now. Let's go. We got a question about, oh, this one's funny. It's a fairly simple one, writes Jim from Australia. This is a fairly simple one. I can't figure out how to get it over. My partner of six years gulps like crazy when drinking any liquid. Most everything else is fine, bar some small arguments about housework. But the way it sounds when they drink water

makes me want to scream. Apparently some people just swallow more air when they drink and it makes more noise. And you'd have to train your muscle to drink differently to change it. The thing is, how do I go to my partner and tell them, the way you drink makes me feel sick. Please put a concerted effort into changing the way you've swallowed your whole life. Please help me either get over this or find a way to tell them that I cannot deal with the gulping.

I feel like you could tell someone that they drink bad. That's not like... I don't think anybody like holds a, I don't know, a sensitivity about how they sip. I feel like if anything, you're just not really thinking about it. It's like if someone told me that I slurp too much, I would be like, that's just how I drink. Well, it would be for us like the food equivalent of like making a lot of noise when we eat. Yeah. Would you feel comfortable if Jill said, can you stop making noises or chew differently?

Yeah, totally. And she tells me, she doesn't ever, I don't eat very loudly, but I eat very fast. And she'll often tell me to not eat so fast or to slow down or to not be so messy because i'll also i'll try to eat normal then then i sometimes start to eat really really fast and then it starts lost in the sauce and then it starts making a mess and i'm like well i'm not gonna like wipe my hands on my mouth between bites now because i'm gonna be done soon so i just have to power through yeah i just look like the inertia is going i look like a baby i'm just cut like there's just food dripping down my hand to my forearm it's all over my face and i'm like well i'm not gonna put the sand if i put the sandwich down it falls apart and i just make the napkin messy i should just finish the sandwich and take a shower right yelling in front of her parents? Don't tell me.

Don't tell me that I should eat slower. If anything, I should eat faster. And go take a shower, right? Don't you think? Does she do that when it's just you two or it's like more of a in public situation? No, when it's just us two. Got it. When we're in public, she'll mention it, but like almost as a joke. No, when it's just us two. Got it. When we're in public, she'll mention it, but like almost as a joke, like, oh my God.

She'll make fun of me. Yeah. Yeah. She'll sort of hit the other person's elbow and said, can you believe this guy, this fucking freak? Look how he eats. He's disgusting. Do you believe I live with this?

Do you make a more concerted effort to eat better when you're around others yes yeah definitely but it depends who it is like if i i think i went out to dinner with you and i didn't really i think in public i i kind of do if i'm at a restaurant oh yeah in the comfort of my own home no you won't take it easy no no i will not yeah nor should i because i've earned this house i've earned this home what about you eat anyway please i'll do a fork and a knife i'll do a napkin tucked into my shirt and i'll eat slowly. 27 cheese per bite. You know I don't have a clean bite. No, you don't have a clean bite. I think that's really what it comes down to is that my teeth are a little too dull.

So I can't really bite through things. I need to like suck. Everything is a noodle to me. You know that everything's a noodle to me. Including noodles. Yeah, you slurp a pasta noodle to me. Including noodles. Yeah, you slurp a pasta noodle to like, you know, clean it up. That's what I do with every food is it just becomes a slurpy noodle that needs, all of it needs to go in my mouth.

Otherwise it will spill out. Yeah. And in addition to that, I have a problem with, I don't like putting my lips, affixing it on a spoon. So what I'll do is sort of pour or use my teeth to get the liquid or, you know, semi-liquid, an oatmeal. You don't like putting your lips on a spoon? Let's say you like, let's say you have a soup, okay, or an oatmeal. Are you sucking the oatmeal off the spoon with your lips or are you using your teeth to just sort of grind it off?

I'm using my teeth most of all. I guess I use teeth. And if I'm trying to get everything off, I flip the spoon and I'll use tongue. Are you comfortable with tongue on the spoon or do you only want to use teeth? I actually don't feel comfortable answering that question. Really? And that's the first time I've ever said that on this show. So I think you should respect it. Yeah, I will. I don't mind tonguing the spoon. I will not affix my lips to the contour

of the metal frame. Wait, so you said you were so offended by the question that you weren't going to answer it. It's the first time that's ever happened. I needed to respect it. Then you answered it. You said you're fine with the tongue on the spoon? Tongue is fine, yes. But like even dating back to cereal, I would never like, I would never close my lips around

a spoon and push the cereal off. I don't know why. Oh, yeah. Interesting. I'm sort of a a scared skittish coward of a man i'm also a mouth breather quite frankly yeah you are a mouth breather and you know what my buddy sean was telling me that he went to see a doctor recently and they were like oh you're uh your nasal passages i forget what it's called um sinus cavities or what's it called when you get a nose

job deviated septum oh yeah septum your septum was like miss his septum was like misaligned or something or like wasn't letting air in oh yeah uh and so like there's procedures you can do that's like almost like a nose job but they don't change the shape of your nose they shape they change the shape of your canals and i'm curious to go see a nasal doctor to see like if you'd be like no that's just what most noses are you should be able to breathe through your nose or they'd be like oh my god they're so close how have you survived you're a hero i can't believe it yeah we must widen these passages this is amazing you're you're a marvel yeah i'm curious to go and see if my septum is like wide or normal or what but i'm also afraid that like these doctors will just tell me that they can always be wide and look better and you

can become a nose breather with this procedure that i'd have to pay for interesting very interesting i'm a mouth breather but I can breathe through my nose. I like, like when you breathe through your nose, is it full? Like, like for me, it's like, it's pretty like it's getting compressed and like, I'm not getting a full dose of oxygen. Oh, that's odd. Yeah. I mean, I can take a look at your septum next time I'm in LA if you want. I don't know if I hauled it up to to the zoom i don't know if you can see no yeah that's it's i'm clicking my tongue because like this is it's like creating this weird reflex it's so funny it's just you're making a silly face at me on zoom no one can see this he's holding up his nose like a little piggy and flicking his tongue out and it's funny it is funny we should make this a video podcast man

just for that shit just for that shit we'll add it to the uh we'll add it to the first trillionaires spec script we're writing that's a good idea uh okay so yeah you can tell your the question partner that they gulp loudly perhaps or you can set up a situation where um a friend is over and they're like whoa you gulp weird and then you can be like i've never thought that but i guess you do maybe a little bit if you want help i can help you but like i would never mention it greg how dare you bring it up i think really rude you should i think yeah that should be the attitude your friend brings it up and then you actually act really offended and you're like i love their loud little gurgly gulps don't change a thing i love when you suck it down like a hog.

Yes. And when you slurp your cereal, your soup, your pasta, your spaghetti. It's all good because it's all thin. Nose, cavity, or otherwise. I think you can say something. You can always say something, especially if you've been with someone for seven years. You can say whatever you want. All right, cool.

Enjoy. Let's take another break. Thanks to more peoples. And we'll be back with more questions after these messages. Raw. Wow. Wow. Wow. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling. Hello, my kitchen pal. We should say your kitchen is getting renovated above you. So if you hear some banging, it's not something nefarious happening in the background. Right. No, there's just some people. I feel like they're hanging cabinets in my parents' kitchen right now there's just uh some people i i feel like they're hanging cabinets in my parents

kitchen right now and you don't you feel bad because like they're doing a real job you can't be like hey guys can you knock it off i'm actually recording a podcast downstairs um yeah can you just give me 48 and then you walk downstairs and then they hear you go you're making silly faces at me you're so funny he's flicking his tongue at me you really don't want to ever say to somebody covered in sawdust wearing knee pads um with a tool belt that i have to go do a podcast downstairs i actually won the golden mic with this song this episode oh my god they love it oh my god i love that show i love the episode is it you're gonna get a turdy holy shit i didn't know any cool workers listen to our pod that's really tight yeah it could be worse you could be telling them not to make any noise because you have to record your Dungeons and Dragons live stream.

Right. You're painting a figurine. Yeah. I'm a painter as well. Dean, have you ever seen something this small to paint? I have a magnifying glass for this one. Do you still do that? Oh, yeah.

Once a month once a month i hop on the live stream and i uh paint a mini for the uh dnd patreon a mini yeah yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah no oh yeah no no i paint a mini every month uh i it's funny because i always thought like when i started painting mini i was like oh i'll do this you know i'll do this and i'll get better at it um but instead it's like doing it once a month is just enough time between that you never get good if i did it every week i think i'd get better every once a month it's just you never get there and all the paints all they do is just dry up a lot so it's most of the stream is just me trying to open a dry paint. It seems hard to do something like,

my hands would shake when I'm trying to be that precise. Yeah, no, it is hard. It's like being a surgeon. You need a certain set of relaxed nerves. Yeah, and you have brushes that are very, very thin. You're getting like the tiniest little drip of silver paint and like painting a sword i mean the hardest is like i'm i'm like trying to paint people's belt buckles and shit so you literally use like

do you literally use like a hair a hair does it have to be that thin yeah it's like it's probably there are such fine brushes it's more than a hair, it's like, it's probably, there are such fine brushes. It's more than a hair, but it's like, you know, just a couple bristles. Wow. God, I would kill to be that thin. Yeah, I don't know. That's probably really thin. I know. Just all this fucking pandemic weight.

I wish I was just like four hairs thin. That would, you would be dead and maybe you should be for thinking like that uh all right one last question to roll them all all right this one's actually about a cool person so we have to give him a cool name cool all right um why don't we give him the coolest name of all patrick rafter i was gonna say jack logan that one works too jack logan is cool i'm a 25 year old actor slash bar manager in new york so i'm usually never home during the day and i get home very late between 3 and 6 a.m cool see yeah he is cool super cool here's my problem one of my roommates wakes up very early for work and 6 a.m. Cool. See? He is cool. Super cool. Here's my problem.

One of my roommates wakes up very early for work and is a light sleeper. This is something we've discussed before we moved in together, so I didn't think it would be an issue, and it hasn't been for a while. I also started seeing someone over the summer, and she'll usually wait up at the bar with me

until it closes so she can come over after. We're not loud, and she usually ends up falling asleep, and she doesn't stay for the day or take up space, but this one roommate cannot stand it and started yelling, go home, and slamming the door whenever she's over, regardless of the time of day.

This roommate has been my best friend for a few years now, so I feel like this whole situation is tearing us apart, and I don't know how to remedy this.'m really not loud when i'm home so it's hard for me to see what the issue even is thanks yours jack logan yeah the issue is not it's not you or the girlfriend your roommate is going through something that's not normal behavior and i bet the roommate wanted to like have a summer and or year with his boy and then like this is him acting out like a seven-year-old or a dog when you get he gets introduced to a foreign person he feels threatened sad and scared yeah and so instead of internalizing it and being mature he'll do things like yell go home

and slam the door when she's over i would matt like if that were the attitude i feel like at the very worst you should like if that's how you feel which i don't agree with you shouldn't feel like that but if that is how you feel all you can do is be passive aggressive like oh hey cindy good to see you again i see you all the time um that's max you know like yeah yelling go home and slamming the door is i mean it's it's that's borderline psychotic behavior i i think that like that warrants a check-in that's like, is everything okay? Girlfriend aside, work aside, you screamed and slammed the door. Are you good? Yeah, I'm good.

I just go home. I thought we were going to play Mario Kart this weekend. I really don't think it could possibly be about that. I feel like there's something else. There's something deeper going on. The fun part is when you confront people like that, they usually get pretty scared because their comfort zone is yelling,

go home and slamming the door. So when you open their door and talk to them about it. Oh, oh no. This is my space. I was just being coy. I didn't really mean it like that. It's all. Yeah, have a conversation. And I think he's feeling like that because he's threatened.

Poor roommate. I would also want to bring him in here. And like, what would his question be? Like, hey, my roommate keeps bringing this chick over and like at a certain point i think i'm gonna yell go home should i fucking yell go home and slam the door i think i already did it my roommate is a bartender he gets home at 4 a.m and he brings his girlfriend and they bang around and they uh keep me up i don't know what to do and I'm just gonna have an outburst. That's like kind of what it is.

And I think we would advise this person to not have an outburst because that's never good. Yeah, do not have an outburst. All right. Whoa. Whoa. Kind of breaking news on Twitter.

I'm sorry that I'm even seeing this now. I just feel like I should get your take. Yeah. This is crazy. I'm reading the I'm even seeing this now. I just feel like I should get your take. Yeah. This is crazy. I'm reading the Daily Mail Celebrity, which is like the UK sort of magrag. Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson's romance is officially on. The new couple was caught holding hands as a mom of four rebounds from Kanye West with SNL Lothario, known for his naughty reputation. What?

What the hell? I guess they were caught canoodling slash hand-holding in Palm Springs this weekend. In Palm Springs, of all places. You know that she used to have a place there with Kanye. So they're like probably getting breakfast together and it's funny because does it say what pete davidson got was it a breakfast burrito or i bet he got a lumberjack breakfast pancakes waffles toast very carb heavy but hey he could afford it he's fucking kim kardashian they just went to a art gallery yeah they don't really eat together yeah beans or yeah no like breakfast burrito you would have like

no he didn't have any breakfast actually maybe she got a smoothie and watch a movie pete davidson is so cool he dresses like i did in 2007 but today yeah so it's like before these clothes have become cool again pete davidson's like i'll wear really baggy brown argyle shorts literally the kind i wore in 2007 with orange new balances he's cosplaying as me so funny what he is wearing and doing and is i love it so much they love it they can't get enough even kim kim loves it yeah no yeah i mean he's so happy as you would be if you were um a comedian a few years ago and now dating the most famous person in the world i wonder if this is all just like a pr nightmare bullshit like the kind of shit that like that because like they fucking they love it when they get talked like i should be caught canoodling with someone and see if i can get like the paparazzo on

my ass screaming we want prenup next time i'm in the church, please no photos. Go home! Paparazzi throwing a rock at my head so that they could talk to somebody more famous. Sorry, I was called and told that Stephen Baldwin would be here. Yeah, well now I'm here at a Denny's by myself. I think

I was stood up by Cher. She fucking stood me up where are you going can you believe she stood me up stood me up stood me up doing karaoke in a parking lot nobody's paying attention to me that's how the episode ends of uh billionaire or first trillionaires yeah because i'm sad that nobody's paying attention to me anymore yeah there you go all right thus ends another classic edition of if i were you thanks to everybody that's oh thanks to everybody that's emailed in thanks to everybody that submitted a theme song uh-huh uh the opening one was an instant classic the bad day parody loved it so much

uh i forget his name let me search again uh uh bad day written it was a math powder manual matt powder manual yeah matt daniel daniel powder was the og matt kazakos was the OG. Matt Kazakos was the new spin on it. Oh, wait, so Daniel Powder, that's just who wrote the original song? Yes, that's who wrote and performed the original Bad Day. I 100% thought Daniel Powder wrote our theme song this month. Not a good sign for Daniel Powder. Wow, good for him, Daniel Powder. 50 years old.

Good man. daniel powder wow good for him daniel powder 50 years old good man uh and this closing theme song uh is oh yeah this closing one is a schmools rules themed song but it's a progressive psych metal band their instagram is king turtle rock nice not my cup of tea but you know what we have to sort of run the gamut here maybe there's a progressive psych metal band enthusiast that's like you guys never play that style of music on the show so here you go it's true at king turtle rock uh and they i guess the band king turtle from denton texas has a soundcloud so check that out right on uh so thank you king turtle and thank you matt thanks to you guys for listening the I guess the band King Turtle from Denton, Texas has a SoundCloud. So check that out. Right on. So thank you, King Turtle. And thank you, Matt.

Thanks to you guys for listening. The email address for everything is ifireryoushow at gmail.com. Correct. As always, we'll be back next week because our TV show will have not sold in the Zoom in the room on the day. So we're back to being podcasters while people build kitchens around us. Ciao for now. Peace. We'll see you next time. I'm going to show you how to do it. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help.

But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover.

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