Segments - 517: Christmas Tree

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

In this episode we discuss sandwiches, cold weather, and the best parts of one another.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Two Jews might know Just what to do

They haven't had a bite to show me like Tota, yes dude Even though the answer might rake on you Told him that my man is sweet He's got season of the riches And I'd stay up waiting, anticipating and facing But he was Ain't got

Damn time Except that's what I get being with A man so fine That's what I would do If I were you I would listen to these two Jews Promise you'll listen To me Sí. She. She.

That was Leah Banner. Cool. Who recorded that song. I think a banner did. Yeah, recorded in 2019. But since I'm old lady balls, I only now just exported it for us. Whoa. Whoa.

It was Leah Banner making a Atlanta Del Rey blue jeans parody. So there you have it. That's right. That's why it was familiar. Very cool. Sounded great. Thank you. A day one listener from,

uh, she went to two of our live shows in Seattle, but now she lives in San Diego. So please come visit. Nice. Yeah, we should. You and I haven't done a live show in a

very long time because we hadn't done a live show in a bit before lockdown now we've had one live show but it was a head gun podcast that's right a lot of pressure on the next one yeah i'm about to go on tour with nadpot so like you and i just haven't done shit but what do you mean on tour with like what is that until if i were You live show in different cities without me? It's not another D&D podcast in different cities without you. But only because you're not part of that podcast. I know, but I'm wondering why. What's the deal?

What's the cities that you're even going to? Is it random shit like Transylvania? Or is it like real cities that we used to go to? It's real cities that we used to go to it's real cities that we used to go to but bigger bigger theaters though no way how could it be bigger if it's a different show um well that show is um it's more popular famous and yeah this show this show is actually I will open kind of it's like for you this show is like my boxcar racer and that shows my blink 182 does that make sense yeah like the prequel the sort of shittier pre-version the yeah the the the show before the show like this

is my side project at this point i'm your side piece you are my side piece and murph is your main chick that's correct that's really cool, actually. I always wanted to be part of an illicit affair. Yeah, that's cool. It is cool. Does he know about me? Does he go down on you at the venues? You guys will have to buy a ticket to find out.

He goes down on Jake in the theater. In Minneapolis. It's in Minneapolis? One of the shows is. We have shows in Boston, Chicago, and Minneapolis in January, and then Vancouver. Oh, that's the cold cities. You're doing it. It gets colder.

It gets colder. Colder than Minneapolis in February? In January. And it gets colder because we're going to Vancouver in February. No, Vancouver's warmer than Minnesota for sure. I guess you're right. But we're going further north later into the winter. Yeah.

And then you're going to Edmonton and Saskatchewan in mid-February. Yeah, we're going to Yellowknife in March. Or is it Redknife? There's one. It's the color of a knife up there there's a you're going to mexican hat utah in the middle of march why did you guys choose those specific venues that's just um what the gods decided yeah that's it's what the agents decided um i don't know why the specific venues i think it's just because they're big cities that we haven't been to in a long time

like we've done shows in Chicago and Boston but not in a while it seems like the colder the venues or the colder the cities the better the shows and like the nicer the cities the worse the shows right because maybe it's like in Minneapolis there's not a lot to do in the winter

so you have to go to a big indoor thing yeah and it's like in Minneapolis, there's not a lot to do in the winter. So you have to go to a big indoor thing. Yeah, and it's like a nice reprieve and like everyone's fucking ready to laugh because it's been dark and cold for six weeks. Yeah, but then you do a show in like San Diego and no one. I also, I always remember that LA sells pretty bad for shows. Yeah, because there's so much other comedy to do. Remember our worst show ever,

our worst selling show ever where it was? Oh, Honolulu, much other comedy to do. Remember our worst show ever? Our worst selling show ever, where it was? Oh, Honolulu, right? That's right. If you go to Pure Paradise, nobody wants to go to a comedy show, of course. Yeah, they're all just at a luau because it's nice out. A comically bad show. That was the price that we paid for going to Hawaii for a week. We had to do a show for 11 people.

I think it was more than that. It was like 70 people. It was small though, yeah. It was like 70 people and wasn't the venue. It was like a 500-person venue. It was 500-person capacity. So it didn't look as empty as that sounds. Because capacity includes like standing room and bar.

But yeah, it was fucking thin. Yeah, but the city was great. Yeah, that was where we met Sean. Of course. Yeah, shout out to Sean. Jokes with the most. So you either have a great city and warm weather and a bad show or an amazing show in the middle of winter. Like our shows in Minneapolis and Chicago's were great.

Yeah, we went to, we had an amazing show in Minneapolis in November. And it was, the next day it was seven degrees we literally couldn't stand outside yes i remember that i don't know if it was november was it i remember there was a football game happening the next day i think it was november i'm pretty sure like because well i kind of remember being like can you believe it's this cold and it's only november it's fall yeah it was technically fall and like the next day they have an outdoor football stadium at the university of minnesota so like they pre they pre-game or tailgate then they go to the game and they stand outside when it's like two degrees out yeah that's i guess they're actually built different that's why it works for them like

at that point you probably have to have like a long john and a windbreaker you know yeah yeah i'm sure a little bit more than that your eyelids will freeze so it's more than just a long john and a windbreaker a mitten i think no more than a mitten you need fucking propane socks and a tankless water heater on your ass rolling it around in like a roller suitcase. It really is the fastest way to warm up is to shove a boiling hot balloon up your ass and then as it dissolves, yeah, it's almost like cooking a turkey,

like cooking yourself from the inside out. But you start with your- You're tasting yourself with boiling hot water. Yeah, and it starts with your ass specifically. Yes, exactly. Because that's technically the center of your gravity. I don't understand why we can't sell out venues like nadpod can't it doesn't make sense because we were funny but then we also have like some pretty interesting science tips with regards to shoving gravy up your ass to stay warm in the autumn of minneapolis yeah exactly is it cold

there yet is it it in the Northeast? It's still not. Oh, no, it's December now. Holy shit. Yeah. It has been pretty. I mean, it's that thing where like it feels really cold because it's a lot colder than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still not as cold as it's going to get.

It's like in the 20s and 30s with like, you know, low 30s with wind and it makes you feel like, oh my God. But tomorrow is supposed to be 60. So. Oh, game over. Yeah. I'm still going on bike rides. I saw football highlights a game in Michigan and it was like driving snow.

My God. Not there yet. Yeah. Not yet. There's been a dusting, but nothing that like stuck. Just some kind of flakes in the sky that you can see. Oh, all right that like stuck. Just some kind of flakes in the sky that you can see. Oh, all right. All right.

Okay. We did a lightning round before Thanksgiving. Correct. Then Thanksgiving happened. But there was a bunch of questions we left. There was some meat left on the bone, as they say in Thanksgiving. Did you have a turkey on Thanksgiving, I should ask? I did.

I did have a turkey. I think I've said this before, but the bird gets smaller every year. Jill's mom cooks brisket, and that's what the day is all about for me. It's about the brisket. Yeah. I put a little turkey on there just to satisfy the Thanksgiving gods. You have to do something. Right.

It's tradition. It harkens back to my days as a youth but but really it's it's the least interesting thing out there yeah the least exciting part of the the plate uh and then it just rolled straight into Hanukkah like we really only have like three big holidays a year and they're all in the same four-week span for some reason Thanksgiving into Hanukkah into Christmas, all within the same four weeks. Tonight's the last night of Hanukkah. You know, I put up Christmas lights.

Christmas lights or a Christmas tree? Now there's a difference. Lights, yeah. Okay. I think there's some kind of Jewish stigma against the tree. Yep, I hate the tree. You're very anti-tree. Anti-tree.

Grinch-level animosity towards the tree. Yep, I hate the tree. You're very anti-tree. Anti-tree. Grinch-level animosity towards the tree. Jill is not at your level, but she is tree-averse, to be sure. She's not interested in the tree. It's a nuisance to her. The tree is a full hog. That's the final von Trier. The large von Trier, actually, of it.

And I want the tree. Oh, and it's the ornaments the ornaments are the next level as well yeah there's accoutrement to the tree accoutrement is what they call it that's right but lights are a good gateway for the tree

would you say that's the golden mic for what accoutrement in terms of ornaments and stuff that goes with the tree, because it's a coup de tri-ment and a coup de tri-ment. I low-key slash low-tree like the Lars von Trier of it all more so than the coup de tri-ment.

Lars? What did you say? Yeah, Lars von Trier. To make it a final what did you say? Lars von Trier. To make it a final Frontier meets Lars von Trier. He's sort of a Swedish. Yes, he's a Swedish filmmaker, and his name sort of rhymes with Frontier, which is a portmanteau, a frontier, and tree.

I feel like a Kuhntrima. Yes, I know what you feel feel i know what you think it's not even the end of the day we're 10 minutes deep you don't have to decide yet put that in your back pocket for now let's decide before the first break but i think a coup trement is an early lead because i don't know who the Lars Frontrier guy is. I feel like it was a little too deep of a pull. Almost a turdy level pull. No way.

You can't just say that he's turdy level because you don't know who this guy is. He's a Danish filmmaker, I should say. So you didn't even know who he is, because you said Swedish. That's pretty fucking close. Or Finnish, or whatever. No, I said Swedish. I said Swedish, yes. Yeah, well, That's pretty fucking close. Or Finnish or whatever. No, I said Swedish. I said Swedish, yes. Yeah, well, he's a Dane. He did Melancholia, if you know that movie.

And a bunch of other movies you don't really understand. Yeah, it's sort of a little obscure. Yeah. To be sure. To be sure it's obscure. Wait, so we were talking about a tree. You don't like the tree. Oh, yeah, lights. Yeah, I don't do the tree. sure it's obscure um wait so we were talking but we were talking about a tree you know yeah lights yeah i don't i don't do the tree the tree is very american non-jewish so like it it rubs me the

wrong way it's not my family it's a decent it's a you need everyone to be bought in on the tree because yes it involves cut like you bring a fucking tree into the house. And, like, that's a two-person job. You need some excitement. Yeah. And I want the tree. Jill would, she'd tolerate the tree. She'll be fine with the tree, but she won't be happy to hoist the tree and to ornament the tree. She actually wouldn't even enjoy the accoutrements, I should say.

The accoutrements for the tree. That's almost what makes it not quite golden mike because it's tough to say yeah like it makes me almost forget the word yeah um but i don't know i think it's a golden mike anyway um yeah i but she did help with the lights she did help with the lights and the lights could be blue and white they could vaguely even be hanukkah lights that's correct yeah that's true that's true. That's true. And they look nice.

They're pretty. They're outside. They're not tree in your house. But I miss the tree. I want the tree. So you're not doing the tree or you are doing the tree? At this point, I don't think we will because I feel now we're going away in like the third week or the second. We're going away at some point in December. So if we weren't going to have it for the third week or the second you know we're going away at some point in december

so so you don't if we weren't going to have it for the past week now at this point it's it's just giving ourself it's not enough time next year i'm gonna do the tree you can do a stocking i'll give you a fucking red sock at most and if that's too much then i can give you a pink sock if you know what that is i do that's actually when you're yeah that's a fucking turdy for you because that's too much, then I can give you a pink sock, if you know what that is. I do. That's actually when you're, yeah. That's a fucking turdy for you, because that's fucking foul. You've been talking a little too much about ass play since the beginning of this. You're talking about putting a boiling hot balloon in your ass, and then you're talking about giving me a pink sock.

And I feel like it's just uncouth, man. You're too old for this shit and grow up it is tacky you're right especially around the holiday season to the squeezing yeah does this is that a squeezing yeah what do you mean yeah basically when you have a pink sock your colon sort of wraps itself around this tube situation, a tuber kind of like a radish or a yam, a garnet yam, or a can. Any canned yam will do.

And it'll sort of create this suction of sorts that'll turn your whole shit inside out and you yeah you better not give that you better not cry you'll you're saying you'll do that to me in instead of a stocking i could have either one of those things yeah like you either get a stocking stuffer or you get stuffered if you know what i mean so those are your two options i'll give you the red sock or the pink sock basically as it were i'll take the red yeah the stocking one because that one just you get like little that one doesn't involve you putting a can of yams in me uh here's a quick one just to get us started we should say

this is if i were you the only advice show, on the internet. Although it's fucking barely that. The threat of any sanity semblance association with advice is slowly leaving the window. For sure, for sure. There was one question that I think we brought up before. Maybe this guy's referencing it. Let me look up to see who wrote it. But it was basically, can you put cranberry sauce on... Oh, here we go.

Jay Sizzle. Can cranberry sauce go on spaghetti hmm i yeah this is like because we we answered another question that was like can you put cranberry sauce on anything yeah possible yeah it's come up before the idea of like cranberry sauce in a sandwich how ketchup is not that different from the cranberry sauce and yet the idea of cranberry sauce on spaghetti is kind of gross, but maybe it shouldn't be. I think it's gross. I mean, I think cranberry sauce on literally anything is gross. I think it's a foul sauce.

I think it's way too sweet. I don't like mixing that with meat. It's tart. Yeah. It's tart is the issue. I don't really like to fuck with fruit and meat together, you know, essentially at all. Like I barely like a slice

of apple on a on a sandwich or something yeah what about a pineapple on a pizza no fucking chance really chance no interesting so you don't like a fruit and meat to really to meet yeah it's not i mean i'm there's a grilled pineapple on a Hawaiian burger. Yeah, I mean, I've had that. And I would like, you know, put prosciutto on melon and I'd have the grapes in the chicken salad. Yes, the Waldorf. That's nice.

But I don't think that like I crave that in any way. No part of me is like, oh, thank God there's fruit in here. And there's only a couple instances where I think it's fine and a lot of instances where i think it's a pear and a bear like eating bear meat yes like eating bear yeah can you eat bear you can't but you can but you shouldn't and you probably won't unless it's like yeah iceland or alaska yeah yeah like but yeah interesting because i feel like you know people that hunt deer or moose they you would eat that yeah venison for sure you eat a deer and a beer not really a fruit but it does still find combo for sure yeah for sure yeah people

shoot bears and they don't really eat them kind of a waste of killing an animal if you ask me for sure uh cranberry sauce can go on spaghetti but you wouldn't you wouldn't like it no i think that's um i actually find that to be despicable i think it's really disgusting yeah cranberries are very polarizing like you you never see them anywhere in the wild they're all they're always sauced like you see raspberries blackberries blueberries they're in salads they're in fruit salads they're in smoothies you rarely see a cranberry in the wild yeah i i i totally concur and like i i think you it's more of a flavor than an actual like berry i'm gonna just kind of look at what a cranberry looks like.

Because yeah, it looks like a blueberry, but it's red. I don't even think you can get them at Whole Foods. Like I think it's always like frozen or a puree or a sauce. Like you're never getting a bag. Is that because they're too tart? I think they're too tart. Like if you've ever had unsweetened cranberry juice it's almost like so it's so dry and salty and tarty i see and i don't think that's good that's not what you would want to put on pasta

it's like putting your pasta into jello it's like not a flavor that you want yeah so i'd be intrigued but ultimately i'd be not into it yeah i, I agree. It's a super fruit, I guess. I don't know. I think you have to add a lot of sugar to it to make it palatable. Maybe that's why. Okay. Sana. Wait.

Let's take a break and then answer more questions. We really have to put a break in here right now. Right, yeah. That's fair. Okay, let's thank some sponsors, and we'll be back with more questions, specifically the one Jake was about to start. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology. Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know, that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz, with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com

for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

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It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Now. Do you have unsolicited? Have we talked about Theraguns before?

Oh, I think we have. I think we have. I'm pretty sure I gave the unsolicited advice to get a Theragun. Or at least said that I was using one. I was visiting a house last week, and the owner of the home had a Theragun. I tried it. It was great. Made me want to look up i guess theraguns are pretty expensive but like you can't patent it so a bunch of people just

made knockoff theraguns that are pretty affordable and i think i'm gonna cop a theragun yeah i or generic equivalent right it's they're nice to have it it feels good it's it's a nice like little um way to give yourself a massage yeah are you using it especially if you have a loved one like they can up and down the back that feels really really nice uh yeah i still use it all right cool okay quick unsolicited there again because we might have said it before all right what's the question i also have unsolicited actually oh because i don't know well it's tough because not a lot of people have access to this kind of thing but i i've personally just gotten into saunas recently so there's another sort of muscular rest device there's a sauna at my gym and i've never i never was into the idea of it before it was it always just seemed like

uncomfortable but i've been doing it for the last like few weeks and it's kind of a game changer. Sauna is the dry one and steam room is the wet one. Yeah. I think steam room, that one seems tough. It's hard to breathe in a steam room. I fuck with a steam room. Yeah, it's like, it's humid, almost like an oven.

You walk in there you can hardly breathe and you're just drenched in sweat instantly yeah the sauna is just really hot but you can kind of breathe it's and it's dry but that's okay yeah um and but then like you break a sweat and it just feels so good it starts pouring off your body and yeah it's yeah it's great it sets you up for the day do they Do they have one at your gym? How are you going to a sauna? Yeah, they have one at the gym. It's just like on the roof at the gym.

You know, people are starting to build some. You can get like a telephone. Yeah, I kind of, I low-key looked into that. A personal booth, yeah. Much like the Christmas tree, Jill's not gonna let me put a sauna in the backyard. Interesting, yeah. I feel like I could wear a sauna in the backyard. Interesting. Yeah. I feel like I could wear it out on that one because they are great.

And it's not like they're so inaccessible. Like my gym's not an expensive gym and they have a sauna there. There's definitely like, there's cheap places that do a sauna. Yeah. And saunas can be high key high gi. Mm-hmm. Yeah. They can.

They can be high key high gee yeah well what do you think of that i feel like you're fishing for the golden oh i'm not fishing for anything i'm just saying you're a little too focused in scandinavia this episode that's absurd i'm focused in scandinavia yeah the front rear guys he's a danish director it's also by the way it's pronounced hygge so it's not like it's hygge hygge yes so hygie is not it's frankly it's a turdy for mispronouncing it to the extent that you did. It's actually not pronounced frankly. It's pronounced Frinkla. Really? Yes.

Frinkla, Hicka, and Higga. It's how you pronounce all those things. But I'll let it slide. Sana asks, Jake, where did you get- Sana. Sana. Sana. Holy shit. That's crazy.

They ask, where did you get the shirt you're wearing in costumes part four what the fart do you remember that don't know that's why i wanted i was curious costumes part four jake that's the one we shot recently oh so i'll definitely know where the shirt is from let's see let's add playing that's fine yeah that's a few cents into our pocket of course that's good whoa which is good fucking two ads what are we fucking and a mid-roll yeah and then there's also a banner over our faces 90 second unskippable app you love to see it oh that's uh it's this is one of my favorite shirts i actually wore it last night it's from brixton brixton folks is it a t what is it a button it is a

long sleeve button up mustard slash slash rust colored rusted rusted with a blue highlight that's tough to see in this in this video because it's a little dim on the day, but that's okay. B-R-I-X-T-O-N. Yeah. All right, you got that? Brixton. Yeah. Sorry About Dat, a.k.a. Yimsta Art, writes,

when making a sandwich, what order do you place the meat cheese condiments and veggie i rarely think about the order i i think i i don't know if this is optimal but i do i know the order i always do the the condiment first yeah and i spread that yeah then i do the meat i basically build it from the bottom up. So then it's like after that, then it's the cheese. And do you rub the cream on the bottom and top slice of the bread? Yes. Are you a double condomizer?

I like a dressed sandwich for sure. So you apply the lather, you cream and slather, and then you'll cream and slather and then you'll do the meat and then you'll do the the greens yeah then the meat then the greens then the tomato wow then the cheese i'm rarely putting a tomato in my sandwich i'm ordering it but i'll never like slice one up and add it to my own personal yeah yeah if i. If I'm like making a quick sandwich, I won't. But if like, if everyone's making a sandwich, you know, like that, that moment where we're like, oh, we're going to the beach. We're all going to get a sandwich and all of the ingredients are out.

And there's kind of like a sandwich assembly line. I'll tag you on a tomato. That awkward moment when everybody's making a sandwich. It's not an awkward moment it's kind of nice a lot of energy in the kitchen that could be a funny uh jake and amir episode it's like we're on a triple date for some reason there's no explanation it's me and a girl you and somebody and then a third couple we're all fucking in the kitchen making sandwiches you know like everything is good the day is getting set we're all finally

tricking the coffee yeah everyone's listening to music yeah an airbnb for the weekend where we picked up some sandwich fixings yeah and then i ask for an ingredient or something that's fucking bizarre and that sort of derails the entire mood of the day. Like, yeah, do we have eggplant? The song just happens to stop. Like somebody gets a phone call on their phones. Like the song stops kind of like spiritually at that question. Yeah, that's good.

So it's almost like a record scratch. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, I was getting a phone call. What'd you say? No, did we get... Who went shopping? Me and whatever, the third couple that's there that we don't even explain why they're there.

We didn't... No, we didn't get eggplant. Eggplant? Yeah, I was going to make like a... Eggplant, avocado, mayo. Yeah. A BLT, but a BET. Yeah.

Bacon, eggplant, tomato sandwich. And then she's like, I feel like I don't want to go. I don't think I want to do the hike anymore. What? Why? That sandwich just kind of like it made me i lost my appetite and also kind of my my will to live for the day it's fine it's fine i'll just i'll i'll go somewhere else do we have do we carrots, like soft carrots for the sandwich then? I just want a soft vegetable I can bite into on the bread.

I'll do a Gouda soft carrot or something. Do we have any of that? No, man, we don't have soft. At this point, people are getting mad at me. Yeah, yeah. That's good. We don't have soft carrots. That's not even a thing.

All right. All right. Forget it. I guess I could be a lonely and horny yeah oh god see that we should write another uh season of lonely and horny that's right we do own the rights to look we're sitting on this fucking ip not doing anything with it it's because lonely and horny is more expensive to shoot than a jake in the mirror because it uh it involves a full cast yeah i mean it's 75k and app just to make it look good and long that's not unsustainably so we'll make a a season instead of buying a mansion we'll have a third season of lonely and horny yeah i mean i would be i'd be real into that um most like tv shows shows cost millions of dollars an episode.

We could make Lonely and Horny for fucking nothing. We should say Lonely and Horny season one and two are available on our Patreon. So, I don't know. If that's something you want to revisit. We can even do a watch. We never re-watched it. Maybe we could do that. A re-watch.

That's a good call. Because you could also um split those up like because each one basically i felt like lonely and horny each one contained like three jake and amir's that was like the yeah three longish scenes that hopefully had something to do with each other yeah um okay stay tuned for that um this is kind of a blue one. I don't know if you want to go this immature, but Reverend Sackett asked, what beverage would you most want to dunk your balls in?

Oh, that's definitely not as blue as it could have been considering you were talking about. What do you want a teabag? Pink socks earlier. What do you want a teabag? Basically, do you want to go carbonated just to see what that would feel like? Would that be interesting to have a soda dipped balls? Would you go warm like a tea or would that be too risky because it might boil your eggs?

Or would you want to keep it creamy for Mimi? I'll take oat milk chilled in a wide glass so that i can dip my balls in it um actually it is too immature what you're gonna say that after after i answered it you had me right up until creamy for Mimi, which was a lot. Yeah, that was like 98% of it. Even boiling your eggs. I was on board for that. In fact, I liked it.

I hadn't considered the carbonation element of it, just out of curiosity. That's fascinating to me. That's really interesting you get the snap crackle and pop you could you can actually put it in a bowl of rice krispies just to see what happens whoa that's cool a cereal or an oatmeal of sorts he didn't rule out porridge technically not a beverage but still interesting right well so then he did rule it out right when he said beverage for sure try to pay attention a rice pudding then it's not a beverage a yogurt where do we where do we land on gogurt as

something you can dip your balls into i would have to go gogurt is not a food or drink okay so i don't think it's allowed because if it's not a drink then it's not a beverage. Do you know what I mean? Go-Gurt's just a meal on the go. Does that make sense? Yeah, of course it does. Just fucking answer the question.

I'm saying LaCroix. The plane. Because it lets you have the excitement of the carbonation of the tingle on your... Bingle. Dingle. Yeah. A pomplamoose on your stomp goose. Well, that's what I'm saying.

I don't know if I want the flavor. I feel like that... It just... It makes me feel like there's a little it's a little stickier with the flavoring yeah maybe it's not maybe that's fine because it's not necessarily sugar like you wouldn't want to go do it with sprite because you don't want the sticky nuts i yeah um i think i'm gonna be sick but i remember there was a a middle school phase, tell me if it reached you guys back east, where teens would use gold bond. Remember that?

Like the powder that you would put on your nuts and it's supposed to like, it's either made for it and it like dries your balls so that they don't get stinky or it's like made for something else and it gives you a tingly sensation on your balls. Gold bond powder. I know gold bond powder. We a tingly sensation on your balls. Gold Bond Powder. I know Gold Bond Powder. We never, like, used it on each other. You're not thinking of, like, Icy Hot or something? Maybe. I mean, it was sort of the same thing. Yeah, talcum powder.

And kids would put it on their balls, and it would just feel like, whew, oh, oh, God. Of course, I never did it. But, yeah, like a menthol soothing powder. I feel like you're thinking of Icy Hot. I had a friend that put Icy Hot on his balls, and he like really, it was very, very uncomfortable. But talcum powder and gold bonds and like,

maybe there's a specific version of the powder that gives you the cool feeling. Yeah, the cool feeling. But I also feel like there's some of it that just is for keeping it dry. I never use gold bond on anything. Have you ever used this powder, body powder? Yeah, I had jock itch one time a few summers ago,

and I used some kind, maybe it was talcum powder? It wasn't baby powder. Was it like where your thighs met your balls or on your feet? No, it was where my thigh, it was like where my thigh met my ball kind of yeah you also had ringworm and uh anal rosacea so you had sort of yeah a bunch of fucking skin maladies on your taint that a parasite and pink eye and my parasite had tapeworm your your brown eye had pink eye if you can fucking believe it really no i mean you already won the tourney for the old the whole scandinavia debacle i was in the debacle i brought a pretty interesting danish filmmaker just to sort of

class up this podcast because of this fucking class every other question from you is fucking you're asking me where my jock itch was you said where was your jock itch was it on your foot like you know where it is you're trying to embarrass me you're trying to embarrass me and i won't be embarrassed no it's not my fucking grundle man that's the thing about us we don't get embarrassed name that episode of succession oh that wasn't that like two episodes ago shiv said that to somebody is like yeah that's my epic last line and it's just sort of like we don't saying we don't get embarrassed is so shameful yeah it's like oh that's kind of fucking lame actually you should feel shame we don't get embarrassed like wow so you kind of

admit that there's many instances where you should. Yeah. There's been two successions episodes since your complaint of nothing really happening this season episodes ending where they start. Yeah. Have, have they, have your complaints been quelled or are you still feeling that? I know.

I love Kendall's birthday episode. I thought it was great. Interesting. Cause that episode did leave me feeling like, uh, um, nothing is really happening this season. Because the threat of jail went away. The whole Kendall's trying to get the company back is fading away.

It's like there's no large moving plot story anymore. Yeah, I guess I liked that episode just because it was such a... Kendall is my favorite character. So any episode that explores his psyche to that level. I'm like fascinated by watching. Yeah. But I,

I do agree that a lot of the, a lot of like succession is just like setting something up and then sort of taking it back or like a return to the norm. Yeah. Like choosing a president. And then that just didn't ever come back in this episode or like a return to the norm yeah like choosing a president and then that just didn't ever come back in this episode or like tom is threatened to go to jail for six episodes building building building oh we got a phone call it's not gonna happen oh okay that was fast it just went

away instantly i i but to me it almost seemed like that could be like a false sense of relief they're like it's not happening he celebrates he's really happy yeah they're gonna come back and be like oh actually it is happening i feel like that could still happen but they used to do such a good job of like setting stuff up for like multi-episode or seasons away and now it's like we're meeting with this guy at the beginning of the episode and then by the end he's like the most important guy it's like where was this guy like i've never heard of this thing, this app. You guys are looking to buy an app?

Like, that was fast. Yeah. I think they just got that Skarsgård guy. Like, it feels almost like Skarsgård and Adrian Brody just like texting somebody. And they're like, I love Succession. Can I do a cameo? And they're like, oh yeah, let's just make you

a really important rich person for one episode. Because Adrian Brody, that was his character, too. Yeah. He was, like, just played an insanely large shareholder that they needed to win over. Yeah. But then they didn't. Yeah. And then Skarsgård, he's very skeptical of the whole situation until Roman pisses, let's, Roman lets him piss on his phone.

He's like, you know what? You're a good guy. Let's do this meeting. Yeah. Yeah. just because i got to piss on your app you think roman has two phones or what was the plan there i truly have no idea it seemed risky to like leave it in the toilet because like phones are waterproof like his phone someone could just pick that up and kind of use his phone blackmail him or something. There's lots of important data.

Like you should probably go back for that Roman, but yeah, still enjoyable. But I would say the first two seasons have been more compelling than the third season so far. There's still, I think one or two episodes left, right?

It's yeah, it's still great. I just think the show definitely like rests on its laurels of like making now it's like the fun and games part of a movie where we're just like watching the characters do stuff all right do you like the uh homoeroticism between tom and greg it's very like they're lifting it getting it more and more intense and close like it's something are they going to fucking make out or something what's's going on here? I didn't even notice that. Really? Yeah.

Interesting. Yeah. Watch the last few episodes with that in mind. They like get very close. At one point, like Tom actually kisses Greg, like on the forehead. Oh yeah, he kisses on the forehead. Yeah. Yeah.

But like he always like goes down to his bunker and he's like, I would let you castrate. I would castrate myself to marry you, Greg. Or like they want to wrestle and they like whisper into each other and i don't know it feels very romantic at parts that's interesting yeah i mean to me i'd always just felt like tom is like some kind of like psycho playing mind games with him yeah and maybe that's like maybe the romance aspect of it is like something too interesting all right has the wheels turn uh all right let's take another break uh break and answer some more questions after these messages oh there's another succession tonight correct thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show

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can I be in charge of the HG Chicago office? Also, when will there be an HG Chicago office? That's a great question. Maybe soon. I mean, you romanticize new office locations nearly all the time. So if we have one in LA, one in New York, if HeadGum just becomes wildly internationally successful,

we're raking in the dough and they're like, we got to open up a third office. Jake, where should it be? And will you help us move there and open up and set up the office? Oh, I love it. I mean, I would want it to be London. I've talked about this many a time. Yeah, a British outpost.

Yeah, this is why we've been working with uh more british comedians to bring the brits on the network like um sound deals three black halflings that yeah thing yeah um yeah i would want it to be london and i would love to set up that office and i'd actually love to work out of that office from now on that would really goal yeah that's cool okay so chic That would be my goal. Yeah, that's cool. Okay, so Chicago might not be the third city, but it's got to be one of the biggest American candidates. Yeah, I mean, I feel like we're,

I mean, we had a Chicago employee until recently. Danny lived in Chicago. He was working at Head to Come. And the Hey Riddle Riddle guys live in Chicago. Yeah, I guess it's just like, it's less and less important to have an office in general so i feel like we could easily have like a very widely dispersed team and still not have an office like yeah it's the offices it's the physical space that's it's cool to say you have a chicago office but then it's like what are we going to tell

people to go into a studio in chic? What if nobody feels comfortable doing that? Imagine if we had like four employees in Chicago, you know? To me, that's like the size of a satellite office. Yeah. Would they even go? It would probably just work from home. They'd just work from home. Yeah.

Yeah. I guess it all depends on if this Omicron virus spreads or not. We still don't know if the vaccines are effective against it. We don't know if it's effective. We don't know how transmissible it is. But the science behind it is that it's dangerous. They basically took a picture of it and they're like, oh, this one's not good. We better hope this one doesn't spread.

And then so far it's doing that like it's fine. Two people, four people, eight people have it, but it's doing that like it's fine two people four people eight people have it but it's probably fine 16 at most and then everyone was like oh i know where this is going i get it um i'd also do fitzroy melbourne melbourne i saw had some insanely draconian COVID measures recently. Like, you have to, like, literally stay in front of your house, and you can't even walk around. And when you're outside on your balcony, you have to wear a mask. Like, some really intense corona stuff. So, maybe we'll do London first. And then, if this new variant's not a big deal, we can do Melbourne a little bit post-COVID.

Then we go. That's cool. That's probably the move yeah uh okay so chicago maybe london hopefully and then after that australia you really just want to do global domination yeah and yeah that would be that'd be ideal that'd be ideal so if you're a listener that uh works out in london and and you want to produce podcasts or make podcasts definitely just let us know another option you're a sales that works out in London and you want to produce podcasts or make podcasts, definitely just let us know. Ideally, though, you're a salesperson.

That's really what we need out there. The cash flow coming in. We need a person emailing out of their house. But if we want to go real ham, we can choose a cheaper city and buy a studio. So it's like, oh, now we're investing in real estate. So like if all goes to the fucking ground, podcast doesn't exist anymore, scorched earth. Hey, at least we have this fucking building in Chattanooga, Tennessee or something.

Well then, but I mean, I'd still like to be, I'd still like to have that Europe presence. So why don't we just go to Dublin? Okay, a little more affordable. So it's a little more affordable than London. But I honestly, I don't know how um commercial real estate is in any of these places yeah i guess we haven't looked at building a buying a factory in scotland recently yeah how do i buy a flat in glasgow a live work space go flat. So I can sort of glass come and glass go as I please, as I see fit.

We've never even been to Scotland, right? No. No, we have not. And we've wanted to for many, many a year now. Here's an interesting question. Yeah. AtNoIntelligence asks, if you could steal one trait slash skill from each other, what would it be? Ooh.

Steal a trait. Well, you already sort of cut your hair recently, so it wouldn't be my hair because you did kind of steal my haircut. You cut your mane short. We haven't really talked about that on the podcast yet. Yeah, that was my Hanukkah present to Jill. I think we talked about that. I was thinking about giving her that for Hanukkah right yeah and then what so what happened you walked in there and they said oh wow and then you're like I kind of wrapped my head up

in a scarf and a hat and a hood you did a reveal yeah and she unwrapped it wow yeah and was she happy to see it she was happy to see it was the barber happy to cut it um he he no he seemed he told me that he was doing a lot of those he was like i've been doing a lot of these haircuts like the guys that grew their hair out during covid coming out it's time to call it call it a day why did you decide now to say enough was enough um i felt like it had grown as long as i wanted it to yeah and it was kind of starting to be a little annoying there was a there was a time i think over the summer where it felt right but then it grew a little bit longer and it was like it would get naughty it was like i would take a shower and it would take a very long time to dry yeah um which when it's cold out is more annoying yeah yeah um and then also like

i think i just like got everything got everything i needed from it i didn't want to have got it out of your system yeah um but then i will say also as the guy was cutting my hair i was just like watching it all fall on the floor and i was like i shouldn't have done this. It almost feels like, just because people like Jeff, my friend Ben, my brother, people I've seen since then have like, it feels almost like I abandoned the team. Yeah, because they're all still doing it. Yeah. When Jeffrey James saw me, he was like dismayed. He was like, you cut your hair?

It's like we all have this contract that we kind of look bad and have long hair yeah but i abandoned ship i banded but i mean they look good with it so i don't know it was it was like clump for me it was like clumping on the sides and like falling over my shoulders in a way that made it look like i had pigtails all the time so it's just like not worth the effort anymore. Do you have gray hair? I know it's a little harder to see on blondes, but do you have grays like I do and it's just less noticeable? No, I don't think I have any gray hair on my head. I have gray hair on my beard, but none on my head.

Yeah. I don't know what that is about. Huh. I guess when you're blonde, it doesn't really go as gray or it's not as noticeable. Yeah. Like I'm more worried about my hair falling out than turning color yeah uh okay so what trait would you steal from me if you could i guess your thick hair wow i yeah i mean it's not a skill it's just sort of a genetic decision oh your ability to do math really fast oh Oh, that's cool. You're good at math. Yeah. Okay. So my hair and my arithmetic skills. Yeah. Your hairline and your arithmetic. What was that fucking...

Why did you have to specify that? Like, my hair is bad, but my line is good. The gray-ass Brillo pad? I don't want that. You wanted a lower... Yeah, you want a lower... I want the lower hairline. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. I have to say that amongst all the weird genetic things that I may have won or lost along the way, the hair one probably puts me in the top second percentile. Yeah. It's a rare thing that also comes into play later in life that you don't really realize. When everyone's in their 20s, everyone's got like, you know, thick, pretty good hair. You're not really thinking about it falling out or thinning.

Yeah. And then when you're in your 30s, there begins to be a separation. I would sacrifice some of it for height. I would sacrifice some of it for jawline. I would sacrifice some of it to look like a better man, to have green eyes. What kind of deal would you make? I think for me, it's like

my thing that I have going is the height. If I'm six feet, would I give an inch to get the perfect hairline? Would I give two inches to get abs? Oh, wow. A a six or a six pack for to be 5 11 or two inches i'd be 5 10 so 5 10 with abs i think i make that deal yeah 5 10 is

fine i think yeah i mean all the heights are fine yeah they're all fine well especially if they're like the difference between 5 10 and 5 11 is probably not as noticeable. But to say you're 6, that last inch that I just stopped short of, I would probably cut my fucking dick off for that. Take the inches from my dick to add to your head, which you can do. You could castrate yourself and just sew on a little penis hat. And then you'll technically be 6'2". That's really good. It'll just be that you have a horn that's a cock. So, yeah, I would want your, I guess your teeth are pretty straight.

They're not, though. That's a crazy thing. Yeah, I was thinking recently how it would be interesting to feel, like, the way you feel with your tongue, the teeth in your mouth, if you could feel other people's teeth. Yeah. If you'd be shocked at, like, what's going on there. That would be fascinating. It would be very, you wouldn't, you'll never be able to, even if I licked the back of your teeth, I wouldn't have that same feeling. And you have.

Yeah. We should say that i have uh okay i would take your i mean if as long as we're doing like physical traits i would i would be six i would be six at one what how tall are you six one six and a half i think i'm just over six it's great i wouldn't that's solid sign me up for six and then in terms of um like my math ability maybe you're um like what are you good at intellectually god i guess you're like setting me up to insult maybe i was gonna say math too but that's me still. Obviously, that's what I said for you. That shirt's nice. What was it? That's not like a... Yeah, but that's like a physical... That's just a thing that I bought. We're talking about like traits.

It's basically like, do I have something about my... Your appreciation slash understanding of poems. Because I, for one, don't care slash get poetry. Yeah, that's right. And you're sometimes eager to read and understand what these fucking, these word soups, like these things that are like being flowery in terms of language on purpose,

a little cryptic to the point where I can't solve it like an equation. It frustrates and bewilders me. So I'll be 6.05 feet tall and I'll fucking read Robert Frost and enjoy it. That basically was a poem, what you just said and did. Holy shit. It was beautiful, man man you don't think should i fucking

do an anthology or some shit the final front rear that's the name of it i sell one copy what a fucking waste of time that was. I cannot believe I wrote these things for no one. You sell it for a million dollars, though. Worth it. Alright, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for emailing us slash tweeting at us your questions.

Yeah. Happy holidays to everybody. The email address for theme songs and questions is ifireashowhowatgmail.com. Opening theme song was by Leah Banner. And this closing one is by Evan, E-V-Y-N-N-E. How would you spell that? How would you pronounce that?

Evan. Evan. E-V-Y-N-N-E. Yeah. Evan. Evan. Yeah. Evan.

Yeah. It's like Evan with a cool spelling of it. I would say Evan, yeah. Long-time listener. Figured I should write a song. I mean, instruments are pretty gay, so I might as well put my homosexuality to use and give you some content.

Any whore. Hope you engorge and eat an orange. Signed, with love, your local lesbian Evan. How's that for an intro? It it's perfect thank you uh and we'll be back i'm sure next week as always and for more of us you can watch us on patreon patreon.com j a hell yeah uh all right thanks for listening everybody be back soon peace Peace. If I were you Send me your questions To if I were you Sure At google.com

Questions are so so Jake and Alou Can't keep up their content So we can always Send in with these chats If I were you I I'd email if I were you If I were you, I'd email if I were you I'd email if I were you

If I were you, I'd email if I were you At google.com At google.com At google.com At google.com At google.com If I were you podcast That was a Hiddem Original. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

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