Segments - 518: Succession

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

We are back and discussing stinky trains, strong baseball players, and, of course, Succession.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money get the five dollar meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only i wanted to talk to you about something because i still like succession but i think i actually have a problem with the last three episodes if I can be quite

frank. Two Jews helping those in sticky situations giving advice while making jokes and fighting for the golden mic. They also love a certain cable series. They're both obsessed and won't shut up about it on their podcast.

It was cable series they're both obsessed and won't shut up about it on their podcast and you can be i don't know fucking logan's assistant that's probably blowing you. That's not bad. Yes. Nice. Happy Succession Sunday. Hell yeah. It's weird to be remixed with something you said really recently. Yeah.

I feel like a lot of the time when we hear the remixes, it's like me going, or whatever. Game game boy stuff yeah i don't quite even remember saying some of it but that's like two weeks ago yeah that's weird it's a weird feeling and tonight this is the succession finale so by the time this episode comes out everything might be changed kendall might be dead do you think he's going to die? I don't. I don't. You think they're tipping it off too much that now the smart thing to do is to not kill him?

I think so. But I don't know, man. I guess if I were, basically, I wouldn't take this bet because I really don't know. But since I have to, I'll go ahead and say I don't think he is, even though I spent all week thinking he is. Maybe that's why. Because I initially thought he was, and now I've come back around. We also never killed basically any main character. This isn't like The Wire or Breaking Bad where it's like, holy shit, they killed off this character.

They've never killed anybody, really. Yeah, but they have been hinting at kendall's demise for quite a while yeah we just don't know if it's going to be a physical or metaphysical demise that's that's true that's exactly right uh all right well no spoilers because we again it hasn't aired yet so we can't even spoil it if we want to did you read what do you wait what do you think i think it'll be too obvious if they kill him at this point. It's like, yeah, he looked dead, and he's constantly looking down, and often thinking about suicide and saying, I'm just in a really good place, or I'm not evil like you. It seems like Succession is so smart that when they do kill someone,

we will have never seen it coming. Like, in this episode logan will die or some shit like that but then right so then the the counter argument is that like the fake out is also kind of dumb yes basically it's like this is bad if he's if he's dead yeah i think that's like kind of lame and if he's not i think it's especially lame because it's like what the hell have you been doing like right like why did you try to orchestrate some weird like fan fake out yeah everybody to like freak out for the week leading up to the finale but they don't know you never know what the fan reaction is going to be like a few a few theories get floated and it becomes like uh everyone thinks this thing but

it's like a group think just because like a bunch of people read the Jeremy Strong piece and they're like, oh, that means he's going to die because like he talks about this being the culmination or the best part or the end of or something like that. Interesting. So maybe it was inadvertent. I guess I'm back on the train of thinking he's dead. Let's go with my gut. Okay. So you say dead. I say not dead. Yeah yeah i'm also surprised like this

is episode 10 did we already go through so there's only nine episodes this this year yeah well that's not right man that's not fair well maybe it's like a covid thing they're like we we spent so much extra money on those nine episodes that's like like big trouble in the Big Ten. They did it with Game of Thrones, too. The last season was like eight episodes or something. Yeah. And then I was re-watching The Sopranos. Or not re-watching. I was watching for the first time, watching The Sopranos.

And their seasons were like 12, 13 episodes. Yeah, that was like the first one. They sort of had to match what network dramas were and then as these shows became more prestigious they started making less and less of them yeah i think that's a little messed up because it's like 10 it's nine episodes then it takes two years yeah it's just it's not fair because i need more yeah yeah it's we need more so i can hate on it yeah why don't they do the the network approach which is sort of milking everything into the ground until the point where the episode quality starts slipping and then by episode 148 we don't like the show anymore

that's what yeah that'd be perfect that'd be perfect is sopranos as good as everyone says it is? Yes, I think so. But it's also hard for me to get. It's a lot. It's a long show. And it's like, I'm still in the first season. And it was made a long time ago. So I can kind of, it doesn't feel like. Prestige.

I mean, it's not even HD, right? It's like shot in the 90s. Yeah. And it is very, very 90s yeah it's and it is very very 90s but i like it a lot it's i'm i'm coming around to it i really like the characters uh and i'm sure that by the end i'll i'll totally love it yeah it seems like everyone says that that's like on the mount rushmore yeah if not the best i also haven't seen it i buy it uh anyway that succession theme song was written by georgio if you could give me a shout out the two guys that helped me remix it dj nina

and fully zipped g fully fully zipped g i like that a lot. Not a half zip or a lower zip or a fly down G. This guy is 100% zipped up all the way as a G still. Respect. All right. Well, this is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. I am Amir. I am Jake. And this is a Sunday, December 12th.

It's almost live. We're recording it. I'll edit and fucking throw this online, but still not quite succession in time for. Right. Just know that like we are caught up. So like, don't think that this is like a dated or old episode at all.

Like for example, I can tell you with great certainty that max verstappen is the world champion yeah that was formula one that happened this morning is that your guy it's not my guy but it's it's a guy my guy wasn't in the running carlos signs he had a great race he came in third uh fifth in the driver's championship so that was good um and were you happy with the verstappen w um not entirely i think it would have been i wanted there to not be a controversy i wanted a clean w for whoever won and there was a controversy there's a controversy i'd consider in controversy. I'd consider it a controversy.

In racing? Yeah. How can there be a controversy and it's like a car? Just crossing a line. Well, because there's so many rules in Formula 1 and it's all happening as these cars are driving like 200 miles per hour around a track.

So somebody will like go over, over a barrier and cut somebody off. And then the stewards who are watching the race will like radio to the race control people and the team radio and be like, they have to give that position back. So the person has to slow down and let the car pass. Oh my God. Like somebody will,

will like clip somebody or edge them out and they'll get a five-second penalty or something. And it's even weirder than other sports because with instant replay, you can kind of be like, oh, this person's foot was out of bounds, or this is a foul. You can review it. Yeah, but it's basically just a straight straight up court case every single time like they actually go to court the next day or there was literally uh lawyers present for like the steward's decision and the arguments after the race jesus that's awesome like citing the rules and and shit so yeah it's not like i didn't want there to be a controversy and there's a controversy and now they're taking someone is being taken to court for it.

Yeah. But it's over. They made the decision for Stappany as the champion. And a judge made that decision? The race director, the stewards, Michael Massey, the God. Jesus. It's really dense. I love a good court decision ruling.

In sports? Yes. It's sports yes that's the best ideal like my favorite thing about baseball was the steroid scandal yes you loved the fucking uh the grand jury testimony of mark mcguire yeah saying he doesn't quite remember even though his forearms were thicker than a human leg if he actually took human growth hormones the rocket do you remember the year that you that you became the home run record the champion yeah actually no okay your head is throbbing man just look how does your forehead get redder and thicker that doesn't make sense in my memory now i can't recall what the difference is between mark mcguire and stone cold steve austin they're one and the same to me yeah

mcguire has red hair but like really really tall red hair so like he has a huge forehead and red hair on top and then a goatee i guess steve austin sort of has a goatee as well. Right. Yeah, that's the thing. They are the same man. But McGuire's forearms were just absolutely different. They were thick. McGuire's forearms hit different, specifically for 61 homers. Or was it 62? What's the record? Yeah, the record was 61, and he got to 70.

He just sort of said, going said going going gone to that record it was cool enough already and it was cool and now people are sort of debating whether or not he should be in the hall of fame actually the judges from the fucking race are dealing with that issue next if you can believe it it's kind of interesting because like in theory i mean he wasn't the only person on steroids so everyone was on steroids and only he could hit 70 home runs yeah he was still the best but then when everyone got on steroids he was just the best plus historically great yeah and then like a few years later barry bonds is like you know if i also took steroids i can probably get 70 and he's like all right let's see. And then he got to 73 home runs.

Yeah. Yeah. Here, I just sent you a picture of McGuire just fucking, I mean, look at this guy. He is pure American made, thick, Rob Gronkowski, tight end, calves, forearms, biceps, chest. He has legs for arms. And arms for days. And he gets to swing a bat and yeah when he makes contact you better believe it's going he'll guard the fence yes yeah we talked too much about patrick rafter and not enough about mark mcguire he wanted to just be become mark mcguire stands now now 25 years after he was sort of dishonorably discharged from major

league baseball i mean your boy giambi was the same these were all fucking roided out sweaty absolute monsters these guys were units that's what i'm saying we're absolute unit of a baseball player sammy sosa, same deal. I mean, honestly. Yeah, everybody made a big deal about the corked bat. Remember when Sosa's bat exploded and it was corked? It's like, whoa, dude, you put a little rubber in that bat. It's like, yeah, well, everyone else is on fucking steroids.

So sorry for giving myself an edge. And like, how much of an edge could that really do? Just to like, instead of wood all the way through there's a little bit of a cork inside it like it's gotta be ounces of a different there's not it's not helping you it's not where there's also shit that you're allowed to do like wearing gloves or putting tar on your bat like you could imagine that just as easily somebody be like you really shouldn't you're not allowed to wear gloves because it gives you too good of a grip yeah like yeah all right well that's part of it i have the good grip it's like we shouldn't have the cork in the bat it makes the ball pop it's like well what if the ball is

just that's fine right what's the tar for there was always it was really interesting to see like there was tar all over the like the bottom of the bat it wasn't even the barrel right yeah it was on the bottom of the bat what is it was about i think it's about getting the grip you know you want that fucking you don't want the bat to like fly out of your hands yeah you gotta hold it that's the most important thing in baseball you think we can fucking hit a dinger you think we can go to a at least a little league ballpark and hit a few dingers or it's too much leg strength too much technique that we just don't have? I think a Little League we could hit a dinger.

We could hit a dinger. I have hit a dinger in a Little League thing before. Oh, really? So I feel like I could do it again. Not as a Little Leaguer. No. As a 16-year-old. As a 16-year- old fucking around with my friends

on the field where we used to play little league and i went yard wow you fucking hit a grand salami what was it uh wasn't a grand i think we were i don't even think anybody was t-ball soft pitch underhand it was just soft pitch. I guess like a home run derby style thing. Down the left, did you pull it? Or did you go center field, Hurwitz? Jesus, I didn't know you had it in you. Yeah, forget it.

Did you fucking go oppo? You fucking went oppo. Look at me. I was on steroids. I was on roids. Oh my god. I was on steroids. I was on roids. Oh, my God. I was on HGH. You had the cream and the clear. You had the tar.

You had the gloves and you were corked. I had the glove. Worst of all, it was corked. Your gloves were corked? Yeah. You had a corked iron bat. It didn't help. I was fully corked.

I was fully corked. I was fully corked. Instead of a hand, I was using two corks to hold the bat. And I was also hitting a cork instead of a ball. And I wasn't really playing with my friends. They were all corks. What? There's no fucking way any of this is true. I didn't have real friends when I was a kid.

What did you have? Corks. What does that even fucking mean? Like little rubber cork? Like wine bottle stoppers were your friends? Wine bottle stoppers were my friends. My best friends at that. My boys.

There's no way one of them pitched. There's no way one of them could pitch to no way one could pitch to you it's a quirky quirky pitch they should have all been named that why because you said they were all corks one of them pitched to you and that that corks name was quirky what was the one that one's name was quirky Who was in first base then? Dan. Dan Cork. Porky the Corky. Porky the Corky. Porky the Dork.

Yeah, Dork was also a Cork. All right, enough about fucking Formula One. Enough about baseball, actually. I'm realizing we didn't find any questions for this episode um god i feel so underprepared um yeah yeah if only there was someone who could help us out maybe we can have a guest in um the second act to help us find some questions in some sort of game style scenario oh holy shit oh what oh game i haven't saying game okay well you've gotten so old i feel like i haven't seen you in five years yeah did someone say game wow yeah you haven't watched the sopr I guess Game Boy's been watching it too or something.

You talking shit about Corky? Sorry, Game Boy grew up with you? How does he know Corky? And why is he talking like that? Also, how did he age? Isn't he a computer? He has a gut now. He's balding.

Game Boy had a really sad pandemic, actually. He's been sort of staying at home. You heard had a really sad pandemic, actually. He's been sort of staying at home. You heard of a come up? Yeah. Or a glow up? Yeah. This is a power down.

A dim down. Game Boy is old. He had a dim year. Yes, he's bulbous. He's like an old iMac. An absolute clamshell of a computer, man. Oh! All right, let's take a break, come back, and we'll play some games with the Game Boy.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's,ald's you pick a mcdouble or a mcchicken then get a small fry a small drink and a four-piece mcnuggets that's a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money price and participation may vary for a limited time only and we're back uh no time for unsolicited advice and frankly no wisdom for unsolicited advice. And frankly, no wisdom for unsolicited advice. That's right. We're going to have to live our lives a little bit.

And so we can do some things that we can recommend. As of now, you guys know everything we're up to. Yeah, I did start water picking again. Interesting. Okay, so we've gone full circle. You went from water pick, all the other stuff, and now we're back to water. I didn't even know you stopped. Yeah, I stopped.

It was too bulky. It was tough to carry around when I was bouncing between places while we were working on our house yeah now that you have it yeah so when you yeah when you're living out of a dop kit you have to make choices so the the the old uh the old water pick fell by the wayside but now we're back we're back and it feels good is it uh is it a strong boy is it is it like hurting the first time you use it because it's been a while it hurt the first time you used it but now it feels good it's nice to it's nice to have non-tender gums yeah i mean we both went to the dentist recently we said yeah we talked about it on our patreon yeah oh wait yeah that hasn't come out yet but there's a there's a an episode coming out where we don't watch anything we just just wax. Yeah. We wax about wax floss.

Nice. What order do you do it in? Brush, floss, water pick? I think I do floss, then water pick. Yeah. Floss, water pick, brush. Wow. Brush last.

Yeah. Because the floss is to dislodge. You get any of the deep stuff. The water pick sprays out what you've dislodged. And now it's time to brush. Then you polish. Yeah. I go brush first because that starts off the journey.

The adventure begins with a brushing, a tooth brushing. And the big chunks are going that way. Wait, what I'm saying is actually, I think there's a logic behind it. Your reason for starting with the brush, you said the brush starts the journey. It's an emotional logic. I could say that about the floss. It's like, imagine you're six years old. What are you doing?

You're not flossing. You're not even waterpicking yet. It's the brush. The brush is the crush. You crush the brush. You're just making up rhymes to make your order make sense. That's the original sin. That's the let's fucking get it started now.

Let's get it brushed in here. And then, you know when you're painting house, you do the big shit first, and then you do the fine-tooth comb after. You do a little bit of the detail. That's the floss. Okay, now let's get in between the nooks and the crannies. Everything that the brush missed, everything that the sun touches will be mine.

And that's what the floss does. Glide. But actually, if you're talking about painting your house, you would have to clean the house before you paint it. And that's what the floss and the water pick is doing. You're spraying down the surface. You're cleaning out the crevices so the brush can actually hit all of those surfaces. Otherwise, you're just painting a dirty house

and then after you're washing it, and it's like, well, wait, I painted over these twigs. I painted over these leaves and dirt. The last part, yeah, the last part is- After it all, I sort of- The water pick. The water pick. That says like, okay.

Because that's the end of the journey. Is that why you do it last? It's absolutely. The last thing I added to the routine is the first thing that I see every time that I'm finishing or getting ready for bed that night. And if I'm feeling frisky, I will do a mouthwash and repeat the process again.

I will start from scratch, as in I will scratch my teeth down to the enamel, the root of the issue. And I'll give myself a little amateur root canal. At the end of the night, you give yourself a fucking... As a way of getting ready for bed. Yeah. The last thing I do before before going to go to sleep is i give myself a crown because then i rest my crown on my pillow and then if there's time i'll do a fucking ivory roll you know like the jade roller that you have that's right yeah i have to fuck

i have to get my jade roller back out there i simply must do that what about routine for a game boy search that's cool should i search that i do like talking routines yeah everyone's got a very specific to them routine because it's so individualized and you rarely see what other people do it's truly you versus the elements i remember when i found out that some people stand up when they shit and wipe i could stand up when they shit yeah so they'll like hover above the seat i stand up when they shit and wipe. They stand up when they shit? Yeah. So they'll like hover above the seat. I stand up to shit and I sit down to wipe. I couldn't believe mine eyes. All right. I'm searching routine. You know, it's weird. I actually, I used to always stand up to wipe. And then I found out that some people sit down to

wipe when I was like in high school. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I remember being like, this is crazy. Maybe it was you that was telling me that. Yeah, but then I don't know when I changed, but I can't imagine doing it. Like standing up is fucking bonkers. It doesn't make sense because it's closing the doors. You need to keep the doors wide open. That's why a lot of toilet seats are actually concave and it's shaped in a way that actually spreads your ass cheeks wider yeah no

thank you i'm not even joking this is you as a toilet so look at this like what you're seeing here is a flat seat imagine me popping a squat indian style sorry hi welcome to the kohler show room and taking a shit on the ground that's basically what you're doing every time you're not using a ridged slash angled toilet seat. There's dozens of routine questions. That makes sense. Yeah. Do you have anything more esoteric, slightly more obscure than routine? I think I have a little one that's more zeitgeisty.

So I think there's going to be several. Okay. But I want to use the word booster. zeitgeisty. So I think there's going to be several. Okay. But I want to use the word booster. Oh, interesting. Like a booster vaccine question. That's correct. That's pretty good. Yeah, a lot.

A lot of boosters. I guess we get a lot of spam and coronavirus updates. That makes sense. Medical quizzes. That'll happen. Let me see if there's any questions about booster shots specifically. Yeah, that's what we need. That's what we need.

Did you get your booster, by the way? No, that's why it's on my mind. I'm literally trying to schedule it right now. Schedule? It's harder than it should be. In LA, you just walk in, you say, give me the boost. And they're like, all right, here you go. Yeah, I thought I'd be able to do that here.

But I walked into two different pharmacies. I walked into a CVS. They won't do it without an appointment. So I'm trying to make an appointment. There is a place that I could walk in, but it's only Moderna. And there's something that irks me about getting the booster that's not the same as my original shot. Yeah. You would think the different companies make the same

medicine like your body should be doing the same thing right yeah but everybody i know that got the moderna one was kind of laid up the next day did you get moderna or pfizer i got the moderna and it did hurt me actually see i'm trying to get i want the i want the pfizer booster because that's the that's the og shot that i got and i felt fine but you don't want booster like a diet booster you want your body to fucking tremble the next day under the weight of the antibodies it's creating you want to be holed up sweaty scared and in pain that way you know the medicine's doing its job interesting Interesting. I don't know if I want that. Speaking of mercy, I'll search the word mercy. Oh, man, we are not doing well today. This one has 40. At least it's not dozens and dozens.

My God. Here's the first unread message question about mercy. Oh, this is pretty good. It was written in a December. So it's about the holidays,'s just a different year great so i get on my train to go home for christmas dinner and i can't wait new town to get my tinder on and oh yeah i get to see my family too so i get onto the train and i get all snug onto my seat and a random seat mate sits down next to me from the moment he sat sat down my nostrils were burning oh mercy there's that word there it is as far as smelling like you've never been exposed to soap or any sort of hygiene this guy's a beast in that regard without pulling out a bar of soap and staring at him without blinking until he got what i wanted i was stumped for what to do i ultimately decided to sit in the washroom for

nearly half the trip and it was noticeably better smelling yes aside from intentionally getting a cold and stuffing up your sinuses before i ever travel again what do i do in the future thank you wow yeah first of all you should never sit in the bathroom because people want to use the bathroom. Sitting there for a half hour is very selfish. That's fucked up. Speaking of someone that has a very small bladder, let me finish. It might have been more than half an hour is what I was trying to say. And you were kind of done.

And don't ever talk to me like that. I'm going to cut your mic. That's like a weird fucking punishment for doing this power trip that you thought you had. I didn't realize that you were kind of like... All right, now I'm going to make your voice sound sort of bizarre. Please don't. You're a loser to these people it was like and it will last for the rest of the episode i'll put a filter on it to make you i'd really rather

it didn't i apologize i apologize all right fine i won't do any of that stuff but yeah he sat on a toilet it's really hard to use a bathroom on a train i find yeah it's moving too much it's a lot of hither and thither you don't want to sit on the seat you don't want to like stand over it you don't want to like lift the seat right what i what i usually do is lean against the wall fully against the wall that's cool like you're a cool dude yeah forearm against the back wall so you're so you're not trying to aim out you're basically just aiming all you need to do then as someone with a penis anyway you just aim it straight down yeah and you have like you have a dick that goes straight like you don't even have to aim it down your dick sort of dangles off your person it's always down like

truck nuts almost you have a truck dick don't you i mean i'm sorry if i'm speaking out of turn you are speaking out of turn a little bit actually to say that i have a truck nut dick also yeah everyone's nuts and dick are going down yeah but yours like face down yours is like it's basically the equivalent of having a sharpie dangling from your grundle like from soup to nuts it's absolutely perpendicular to your bottom like it's on my taint instead of on my mom's pubis yeah instead of being on my mound it's under my mound that's what you're saying your urethra next to my asshole goes straight vertically like a lowercase l because you're a capital l loser are you still mad for the let me finish thing next question not next question because we didn't

answer this one but society and the world have answered it for him or them uh we we are talking about masks on mass transit that's right forever so this was written pre-covid so now the masks are actually coming in handy i today i was in um uh home depot and i farted that's funny yeah and i was like that's fine because i'm in a mask and everyone around me is in a mask and it won't smell and then it smelled so rancid that i needed to run from the aisle because i'm like this penetrates the mask. Right. It's too bad. So there are smells that can penetrate the mask, but I think that like just body odor, I think that you're actually going to be okay.

You're saying an N95 can handle the fart, but it can handle the mask. I mean, if you're wearing, I was wearing a cloth mask, but if you're wearing an N95, I think you're going to be all right. So yeah, when you're traveling, it's super normal now. You can just wear a mask. All right. Do you have a word to search?

Yeah. I want to go with stocking. Holiday themed. Oh, I thought you meant like stocking somebody. No. S-T-O-C-K-I-N-G. S-T-O-C-K-I-N-G. S-T-O-C-K-I-N-G. Yes.

16 questions, only one unread, but it looks like a spam. Let's see, 16 questions. Some of them have not been answered before. Perfect. Let's see if there's one that's a holiday themed stocking because it's like you know we want that attaboy yeah yeah we do oh interesting uh this one has questions about like lingerie stockings is that how you spell it s-t-o-c-k-i-n-g or did she do a typo no i think that's how you spell it

yeah that's how you spell it let's answer the lingerie one it sounds hot here's the situation i'm in a serious relationship with my boyfriend we're both in our 20s and don't have a ton of sexual experience and early in our relationship he would casually mention that he likes fishnets stockings and other types of lingerie so one one day I decided to wear it for him. Everything went great until we were having sex and he couldn't come. Uh-oh, I figured he might be too nervous or tired, so I didn't want to read too much into it. He kept mentioning after that he'd like it if I wore lingerie again.

Not in a pushy way, just mentioning it. So one night I show up to his house wearing only lingerie and heels under a long jacket. Everything was great until he had the same problem as before. I asked him about it and he didn't seem to see the pattern. Again, he continued to hint that he likes when I wear it, but every time I do, he can't finish. Does he not find me attractive in it? Why does he keep asking me to wear it if it doesn't work for him?

Should I ignore him and not wear lingerie? He has, uh, this has never been a problem before and only happens him and not wear lingerie he has uh this has never been a problem before and only happens when i'm wearing lingerie i don't understand what's going on here please help that's really interesting i feel like a fetish for being flaccid for not finishing a fetish where i don't finish yes imagine that i like to go limp to be cocked on the day my god well here's the i had i guess like i i maybe need more information because well i have two different answers one is if it's only twice i don't think that's enough of a pattern to say this always happens interesting twice it's happened twice it's the beginning of a pattern

but let's see if it happens thrice twice is nice but thrice that's the price well that's the what the price the price for what for it being a pattern the price i mean it wasn't it wasn't perfect but i'll do i'll say that it's a golden mic just because someone has to win it. Someone has to win it, and you said lingerie. So yeah, if you're going to fucking stumble through the question. As an absolute goof. That wasn't as a goof. That wasn't a goof.

You didn't know how to spell stocking. You didn't know how to say lingerie. And I came up with a four-word rhyme. Twice is nice, but thrice is price that's like not bad how about twice will suffice but thrice is nice that's pretty good but i would say twice will suffice well actually twice won't suffice because that's what i'm saying That's why I said twice is nice. No, you said twice will suffice. And then you said three is nice. That's what you said.

Well, what's better, to be nicer or to suffice? Suffice is the most important. No, twice won't suffice, but thrice, that's nice. Will it suffice? I don't know. It will suffice. It will beyond suffice because it's nice. Yes, twice is nice. Will it suffice? I don't know. It will suffice. It will beyond suffice because it's nice. Yes, twice is nice.

Twice won't suffice. No, twice isn't nice. I'm saying twice isn't even nice in this instance. It's kind of nice. Because it doesn't show. It's not nice. It establishes something. It's the beginning of a pattern.

It's the beginning of a pattern, but that's why it won't suffice. Twice is nice, but thrice, that'll suffice. That's fine. But I think it won't suffice twice is nice but thrice that'll suffice that's fine but i think twice won't suffice but thrice that's nice that's that's workshopping and you get the turdy i get the golden mic we didn't do it together i fucking laid the groundwork you fucking futzed around on the margins and think that you made something but you didn't do double space the paper and think you wrote it you didn't even do the fucking bibliography quite frankly the work cited i don't think so man you hit print that's what you did you're talking to yourself right yes this is you and me in a mirror yes good so yeah i don't i don't first So yeah, I don't, I don't, first of all, I just don't entirely know if it's

only twice. I don't think it's, I don't think that will suffice. And if you're having fun, then you can keep on, I mean, you're not having fun right now, but I think that if, as long as you're having fun with the lingerie, I think you could give it another try and see if it, if it works. And if it happens a third time time then i think you've already had the initial conversation you've already brought it up which is the most you can do right now yeah so if so if it happens a third time then you then you don't even have to bring it up you get to be like see see what i meant yeah and then you can maybe even hit him with the rhyme a little bit right like twice was not nice but i think thrice will suffice that's like that's really noticeable pattern wise yeah i guess when you say it to him

it's pretty hot didn't realize how hot it was until you said it to him uh all right one more break come Come back. Find some more. We got to do better than this on the next act of If I Were You. Yeah. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

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Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name

through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz, with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head

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SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. We've returned. Hello, Game Boy. Yes.

Hola. I think it's my turn to play the game. That's correct. You know, it's funny. We have the Game Boy here, but he doesn't really play. He's just sort of the mascot in the background while we play a game. Hmm.

Interesting. Yeah. What about Zaddy? play he's just sort of the mascot in the background while we play a game hmm interesting yeah what about zaddy um as i think there's gonna be a lot i think there's gonna be a lot and if you want game boy to start playing i uh hold on let me get him oh i think there's gonna be a lot of zaddy oh uh there's one i uh i won the game no there's not fucking liar i don't know what to tell you man there's one on july 19th 2019 for zaddy that's right nobody has used the word zaddy except for this one person and he called us screenshot take a screenshot that's that's unbelievable that's insane now that we mentioned it every email is going to start with that but yeah check it out wow that's and the first the the the email preview here should i make my pants a smelly wreck in... Should I make my pants a smelly wreck? The rest of the title makes even less sense.

Should I make my pants a smelly wreck in hopes to beat Bill Belichick? Huh. Maybe that was just a rhyme of him. Yeah, I would say so. Dearest Zaddy and Zdep Z pretty good let me start off by saying i'm a diehard kansas city chiefs fan and we don't have a strong history of postseason success anyway i'm pretty superstitious so when my team tries to win i question the lucky thing i did it's a very long question, but the question is, should he keep wearing the same dirty underwear in order to beat the New England Patriots in the playoffs? Yeah, I guess.

Wow. That's pretty interesting. I think it is interesting. I've had experiences where when I wear something, it's good luck. But then the good luck, it always runs out. It always runs out. You're not actually in control. It gives you some semblance of comfort because you're scared of something that's out of your control. So you sort of pretend in a way that you can. But just give yourself a new one. Like, I have to wash my underwear

before every single gamer they'll lose. And then you'll do laundry. Oh, that's good. So you sort of justify it, but in a way that's ultimately good to have. Yeah. When I have a salad for lunch, my team will win. Exactly exactly so since it means nothing

just do something that's healthier that you need to do let's see when the because that was written in 25 2019 and the chiefs won the super bowl let me see when that was um they lost last year that was in 20 right did they win the 2020 super bowl they beat the niners one year right was that the was i think that was 2020 that was 2019 okay so this this guy is already writing after a super bowl championship so i mean maybe his system worked i mean he didn't switch his undies and pat mahomes led them to a come from behind super bowl victory yeah well then you you at the very least you can look at the fact oh like and he means oh wait i take that back they won on in february of 2020 so he did need to do that so maybe he if he did keep his underwear on and because it was the 2019 season this email was written before the season the chiefs won the super bowl so we can ask

for a follow-up pop ask him if he did it and he must think that he almost forced it to happen yeah and that i mean so that's the answer if you didn't wash and they won then you actually should keep doing that but if you caved If you didn't wash and they won, then you actually should keep doing that. But if you caved and you washed your underwear and they won, then the curse is broken. That's pretty good. And the name that he gave was Travis Smelcy. That's pretty good. That's good.

Very nice. So it's like a smelly Travis Kelsey. Damn, that's really good. I know I have to fucking write this guy back. Hey, sorry for the two-year delay, we searched zaddy found your email and i'm wondering if the if you ended up not switching your underwear during this historic chief's run yeah and he's like oh actually i stopped listening to your podcast and i hate you guys really that episode down well answer the question then sir i'm really curious if you changed your hello he blocked me so now i just become a weird

guy asking about your underwear because i'm not even a fucking podcaster to you i'm a guy that you don't like have you ever done that's correct superstitious things do you do you believe in that stuff when it comes to sporting events yeah when i was when i was um younger and I was like a huge Yankees fan, I had to knock on wood so obsessively that I literally brought a tiny little cork wood. I brought a tiny little woodblock from my dad's workshop with me to every single baseball game that I went to because I would go to a bunch of baseball games

and I would bring a little woodblock in my jacket. Yeah, I bet you had a little woodblock every time Mariano fucking saved the game, right? Enter Sandman. Enter Sandman. That's right. Knocking on wood. Hard on with my truck nuts.

Exit come! That's nice. It's a shame he ended up being sort of a trump supporter after all that yeah that wasn't ideal but you have to imagine most baseball players are not pettit not pettit that guy seems like he's got a good head on his shoulders not musina musina yeah he's the one that's from texas yeah yeah yeah pets but it was actually ambassador to luxembourg under trump so i think he was i think i was thinking of moose he went to stanford right yeah moose went to stanford yeah that's what i'm thinking of yeah i'm not really superstitious but i do often think whenever I listen to a basketball game on the radio,

like a Laker game on the radio, I'm like, they never play well. And I'm just listening to them. Like I really need to be watching them for, to have my support. Whenever I'm just like listening to a game, I just hear the away crowd going crazy and the Lakers can't seem to score. And I think maybe I'm partly responsible for being a fair weather fan here in

this situation, but I have to, I have to get to this funeral and i feel bad streaming the game on my fucking spectra map so you're sitting in the bathroom and you don't have your headphones but you do want to listen to the audio so you just keep repeatedly flushing the toilet so people so it sort of drowns out the noise and people don't don't hear the commentary that's right they just think i'm just some fucking deviant and they're constantly flushing using the water almost as a makeshift bidet to wipe my little bum bum uh all right since i won the game i guess we can call it there wow i guess so exit app plus we got

to go watch the succession finale it's happening in an hour. Oh my God. Do you want me to text you as soon as I find out? Cause I'll probably watch it before you. Well, I, what I do is watch the last five minutes first so I can tweet about it. Cause everyone else is sort of watching it and live tweeting it. So I'll fast forward to the end and be like,

oh my God, funeral at 58, 50. You guys are going to fucking cream your jeans when you get here. Screen grab, tick tock live stream people think i started watching 515 because i'm already thinking you got a screener that's the fucking goal that's the dream screener that's that jeremy i'm in the industry bra yeah that's why i have a

friend who sent me a d that I can play. Yeah. I am Jeremy Strong today. All right, let's go watch. Thanks for listening, everybody. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions, send them all down to ifireashow at gmail.com. Let's play that succession theme song again. When else would we be able to? Who knows when we'll get a season four?

Years and years away. They have to write it. They have to shoot it. They have to fucking do it and it'll take hours years months before we ever get to watch season four episode one so here it is the succession finale again or the succession theme song uh i forget who wrote it oh that's right georgio shout out to dj nina klina and fully zZippedG for more of us. You can always watch us on Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. Ja. A lot of videos there, a lot of content.

And what better gift for the holiday season than to give someone access to our Tron? Couldn't agree more. All right, cool. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week. Bye. Peace. I wanted to talk to you about something because i still like succession

but i think i actually have a problem with the last three episodes if i'm quite frank two jews helping those in sticky situations giving advice while making jokes and fighting for the golden mic they also love a certain cable series. They're both obsessed and won't shut up about it on their podcast. Is my word you? Is my word you? and you can be i don't know fucking logan's assistant that's probably blowing him that's not bad that was a Hiddem Original. comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen

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