Segments - 519: Follow Up Pups

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

In this episode we follow up with some pups, while discussing vomit, journalism, and cat puke.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. That money is piling up. Cash, moulin, cheddar, and buckwheat.

Cash out, moulin, cheddar, and buckwheat. Start earning that cash. That money is piling up. That money is piling up. Cash, moulin, cheddar, and buckwheat. Start earning that cash. do not leave money on the table start earning that cheddar and buckaroo cash back is piling up perfect yeah whoa was that a remixed ad that That was, yeah, I think they took us talking about saving money using some product, and they turned it into like a cash money hip-hop trap house type style intro. Honestly, I didn't realize we were that cool. A fucking remix about cash?

Yeah. That's fucking tight. I guess Dave and TJ have a comedy money counting youtube channel where we count large amounts of cash that's right you heard that comedy money counting you can search dave and tj count money on youtube and we usually come up first if you search 10k in hundreds on youtube that's right ten thousand $10,000 in fresh Benjamins. That's interesting. So they just count money. It's like fucking little cartoons for kids, but instead of for kids, it's for adults that love money so much that it just zoomed in pictures of stacks of hundreds being counted.

Stacks are definitely fun to see. Yeah, this is like capitalism porn so it's like yeah look at just look at this hand count to 10 000 by a hundred i can see in your eyes that you're on their youtube page right now because your eyes have just like glazed over yeah like you're looking at large sums of money yeah let's see how many you actually you're all about the benjamins right i am wow this has 70 000 views 10 000 real cash all 100 counted slowly it's like asmr but for money why is it so i guess it's comedy just because the concept is funny? There can't be like comedy in the video, right? They don't count it funny, right?

They could. I guess I didn't hear it, but it just literally a stack of money on a table. You can only see their hands as they count the cash. Yeah, all right. I love it. What's the biggest stack of cash you've ever counted? Like, did you have a G ever right in front of you in cash did you ever

have to like take out twenty five hundred dollars to pay the rent or something yeah i kind of remember giving like some kind of deposit in cash for it was like five thousand dollars or something like that it was a straight up wad yeah and i've had like less money but in smaller bills like after um i remember we did like a nadpod show in london and we like sold t-shirts and posters and we just got like uh bills for it pounds right like a thick stack of 10 euro bills yeah and they're the shape of them is just so fun so it like the thickness the thickness is what you really love in a stack you'd be a great co-host on dave and tj count money right because it's not about the it's not about the quality it's about the quantity yeah i don't care if it's a benjamin

or a washington yeah i just want the stack to be thick yes an absolute thick watt and in england it aren't there like different sizes like every bill is a different size i wonder if that goes with thickness as well oh is that right it's different i thought in euros or maybe i'm thinking of israeli money where it's like a one dollar is thin and a twenty dollar bill is thick yeah no i think you're right but i i just didn't remember if it was like i thought it was also like iceland but i guess that's all euros no that's kroner i've who fuck i haven't traveled in what feels like forever now so it's all it's all gone i could have told you this in 2020 but yeah i remember being frustrated by that because i like the the nice clean even line stack yes exactly the american

dollar the american way yes that's like god bless my cash is that green and like their their cash is like blue and white and it looks like fucking monopoly money we got the green they got the queen and ain't nothing fun about that all right start fucking freestyling like that because it'll give them more fodder for the next theme song the cash money and cash there's yeah 420 dollars in 50s and 20s that's a funny number is what the caption says i love them actually i want to do it i want to do an offshoot of this channel where i just fucking go to a coin star and sort of dump out an old change pit remember like when we used to collect coins back in the day god i used to have so many i had like a giant faux coke bottle um that i filled with quarters but then also bottle caps for some

reason actually those bottle caps are not worth millions of dollars i remember the last time i went to a coin star was what was with like me you and ben when we first moved to la we like we're hanging out his house and we found out how many coins he had and we made him he made him go to a coin star he had like hundreds of made him go to a coin star. He had like hundreds of dollars. I wonder if coin stars are now like pay phones. They just are giant things that are there, but nobody uses them. Or maybe people still use coins.

I think people use coins less and less. I was reading some article recently. Oh, that's good unsolicited advice, actually. I read newspapers now. I'm kind of smart. Not online, too. You just sort of hold the fucking paper. I get the fucking paper.

Yeah. The real physical. And you fold it. The printed word. Yeah. Yeah. You have to, like, slap it open. And then lay flat.

I can fold it up, and I can swat a fly easy. That's cool. And then I sit back down, unfold it, it you know with one single flap like that's awesome and then turn it crunch it on the other side because i'm reading the lower half of an article sit my coffee yeah and it's just the funny pages yeah it dribbles down you're laughing you're laughing too hard at a ziggy that you start sort of spilling hot black coffee out of your body. You actually see that the coffee is its lucky charms in a tiny little mug. Yeah. And the newspaper is a dummy zine that they give you on movie sets.

So it's all royalty-free Latin articles that don't actually make sense anymore. But I did read that there's more $100 bills in circulation than $1 bills. Money is getting less and less widely circulated. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. As people use credit cards more and more. How about this? I lost my credit card. I don't know where my credit card is, and I just use Apple Pay.

I basically don't have a physical credit card. It's all digital. It's on my phone. Yeah, I mean, i haven't lost my credit card but i don't use it that's kind of wild you just yeah you should cancel it right yeah you don't need it basically everywhere i go my phone works if if they i also like getting on the train on the subway use your phone i don't have a reason for my wallet except for the fact that places still need your id right actually i

remember this like being a question back at college humor like in 2005 it was like would you rather lose your phone your wallet or your computer and nowadays i'm like i don't know where my fucking wallet is i can lose my wallet there's like 20 bucks in there and i just have to reorder my id there's nothing important in my wallet yeah, don't talk too much about wallets because I actually sell them and I'd like them to stay relevant. But totally, totally, I agree. If there was a way to put my ID on my phone

and have it be accepted widely, have it be accepted everywhere, I would be happy to do that. What about a phone case? And it's a clear plastic case. And I don't want to be sort of, what does not be little, but be labor this point too much because we often talk about wallets and how

necessary or unnecessary they are, but a clear plastic phone case that has your ID in it. Is that your entire livelihood right there on the phone you got the cash as a digital apple pay and then you got your id just stuck on the back yeah you don't really i think you i still think you want to have a debit card because you could be in a situation where you need to extract cash yeah go to the atm those are the two cards that you really need. But then, as I've stated many times, I don't like cards on phone cases. Your phone is out all the time, and you shouldn't just be whipping your ID and your credit card out along with it. Would you walk around all day with your wallet folded over in half so it's just all of your cards exposed all

the time no yes you wouldn't oh no right no i wouldn't like inside out so you said you would but you also have lost your credit card so maybe this actually makes my point yes i'll have everything inside out on the day hanging outside of my pocket i also misplaced my wallet last week for a good portion of the week i couldn't find it i couldn't get into head gum i was stuck and i had to pay a parking meter and guess what they don't accept apple pay i didn't have my credit card either wow so don't actually think that we're completely free it was only like a few short years ago though that you also lost your wallet i remember that and you spent an airport oh sorry I was thinking of another time that you lost your wallet.

You lose your wallet a lot, man. But I always find it. Yeah, I guess. Is it truly losing it or is it just a day-long misplacement? Well, it sounds like this was a week-long misplacement. It could have resulted in you getting like a parking ticket and other people having to let you into the office of course the when we were living over by labrea that's right and i had pants that were too tight yeah and you lost that wasn't right no and you lost your wallet and we had to we scrambled that entire day you like canceled all your cards you know i was about

to and then i called a store and someone had brought it in yeah and so actually somebody brought it into like the the restaurant next door yeah that's and i was so happy i could kiss you and i tried to and you didn't need that yeah but you and then you drove you drove down and you got it but that i'd like and then this time you've lost your wallet and you just kind of let it go for a week without... You didn't cancel any cards. Yeah. You didn't get a new ID.

I assume it's somewhere in my house. I can't find it right now, and then I don't think about it until I have to leave, and then I have to leave again. I'm like, oh, I'm not going to find it right now. So then yesterday, cleaning up, found the wallet in my closet of all places. How random is that? I must have put it next to my shoes when taking my pants off you're a fucking space cadet man what i was i mean we're all laughing about you fucking space cadet you think i'm a fucking astronaut you think i'd be a compliment and i don't get dizzy

i don't think that yeah because i actually do get very nauseous i'm actually nauseated thinking about going at the fuck man i'm fluish now i feel like all like i have the spins or the bends or something. Yes, you're easily distracted. You're spacey is what I mean. Oh, my God. I'm going to fucking hurl. To be honest. All right, I'm back.

You were sick before this. Yes. I had the Omicron, if you can believe it. Actually, I took a test recently, and I don't have it. That's good. I didn't take a test test but i got boosted really recently so oh yeah how was your booster um it was fine it felt like the same as the um as the vaccine my arm hurt but i didn't get sick oh really you didn't feel like tired or fluish at all

no i guess i maybe even felt better than the vaccine because the vaccine i remember like i woke up in the middle of the night and i was like oh I'm like too hot but then I was fine but this one was like I was like I hope I don't get sick but then my arm hurt and then after that I forgot I just forgot that I even got the booster like Jill asked me if I got it and I was like oh no and then I was like oh wait no I did it it didn't take I don't know what to tell you. Like, if your body didn't have a response, then that's irresponsible. Which one did you get? Did you get Moderna or Pfizer? I got one on each arm, and I felt like absolute garbage trash the next day.

I got the only COVID suppository. How's that? I shoved a Viagra in my ass, and I said I got the Pfizer. That's right. Not even the Pfizer, but the Pfizer. got the visor. That's right. Not even the visor, but the visor. The visor, yeah. The full visor. I got Moderna.

Yeah, my brother got Moderna and fucked him up too. I wonder if that's just the way the cookie crumbles or if one's better than the other. It seems random, but it seems like if one really elicits a human response within me and i was i was so knocked out i lost my wallet and my phone yeah you can't blame that shit on it was even before i got it yeah i know i lost my phone and then i said i wanted to get a boost and so i did and i couldn't find it a boost mobile turns out it was at a diner that i didn't even go to anyway in a fever dream i woke up nearish a denny's and i guess someone handed it in to them but i woke up have stuff yeah in a way because when i do i lose it and

then i realize i don't need stuff anyway yeah sometimes i'll go walking without socks i really will i can't find the socks i'll just slide my shoes on and sometimes you wear a hat on your hand and you'll wear a shirt tied around your calf here's another example of uh absent mindedness um i realized that my uh license expires on my birthday which is in a month i'm like oh wow i need to get a new id so i went to go get a new id online and they're like all right upload your passport photo then i uploaded my passport photo and they're like it expired i'm like oh shit now i have to fucking renew my passport, wait for six weeks, then renew my ID. I have two pieces of identification that are expiring in the next six weeks, and I haven't done any of it.

Literally, Micah is doing the exact same thing. He's a few weeks behind you. He needed to get a new passport. To get a new passport, he needed to bring in his driver's license. His driver's license was expired, so he has to get a new license to get a new passport. It's the reverse. Yeah.

And then once I get my ID, I'm going to be a persona non grata anyway. Did I tell you that I'm putting my height is 0-0? Because I heard something on TikTok where you say, if your height is 0 and your weight is 0, they just sort of don't give you jury duty and you don't have to pay taxes that's cool it kind of tricks their database into thinking that your ghost protocol which i think is kind of interesting i've told you that i've never gotten jury duty like never a summons never anything yeah that's bizarre well It's bizarre. And I vote. I'm registered. Yeah. In California, we were sort of Airbnb hopping, so it makes sense.

Yeah. And sometimes— I do move a lot, but never even mail. I get my mail forwarded. I handle my mail. Yeah. Yeah. And then maybe it's going to your parents' house, and they're throwing it away for you.

No, they don't do that. My mommy and daddy would never do that. save everything yeah would would you ever do would you be look forward to doing jury duty or is that sort of an annoying summons to get i guess at this point i'd be sad because my perfect streak would be over um oh you take pride in it yeah i like when i feel like lucky things happen to me um you know the nothing can touch jay kermit's thing that's kind of a fun vibe that i like to engage in um but i also do kind of like um institutions so it'd be fun to go to court and have my day in court and put the bad guys away you're actually you're talking about either being a criminal to have your day in court or to put your bad guys away

like you're the lawyer prosecutor or the judge i don't really know how it is to be on the jury but i assume i'm part of the day i want to be the judge the jury and the executioner yeah i think i would be like objection your honor and then i would like walk yeah from the jury hop over this is like and then and then i'd be like um my client couldn't no way you can't do that from the box. Couldn't have struck that man. And then I said, you want to know why? And then I grabbed the judge's gavel and I chuck it at my client or the defendant or whatever. And he catches it with his left hand. And that's the hand that he said was broken or something. And he's left-handed.

And everyone goes, oh. And then the other lawyer is like, no one said he didn't hit him with the left hand. Yeah. And then. He just hasn't paid his taxes in a while. Really? You can get in trouble for that? I said I was zero foot zero, though.

Do I still owe state? By the way, you aren't registered to vote. Really? No fucking way. There's a funny Curb episode recently where he's waiting in a long line to vote, and he asked the guy next to him, he's like, who are you going to vote for? And the guy says one name, and Larry goes, well, I'm going to vote for the other guy. So in theory, we could both just leave.

Like, our votes will cancel each other out. And the guy's like, yeah, I guess you're right. And they both just leave. That's good. That's a very funny idea. Like if I promise not to vote, and then so does another person who's voting for the other person. In theory, that's as good as voting.

How does he keep coming up with tiny little weird things? Slights. Yeah. I think there's other people that write for the show actually yeah i guess that'll do it yeah so like people are other people come up with them now yeah yeah yeah because the show's successful so you can hire people actually i would be down to slash honor to write for the next season i don't know if there's a world where Larry or a friend of Larry is listening.

Yeah, let's show him the latest new Jake and Amir as a reference. Yeah, that reminds me. I should get to editing those. I'm kind of a bad worker and I'm absent. Larry, don't listen to this part, but basically I'm not good at getting shit done.

I gave you notes on the on the quick cut and i appreciated them i think it was two and a half weeks ago and i did appreciate and actually my note was that it was fine perfect it was like i think yeah it was like i have no notes this is ready to go what we're gonna do is window it on patreon so that's gonna come out for a week early on Thursday. If you're listening to this on Monday and then the week after that, we'll put it on YouTube. I love it.

I was like, I think that's, I think that's, I think this next episode we're actually back. Really? Like I was walking home last week. This was like two days after I saw the cut and i was just walking home laughing at two of the lines two oh just like laughing to myself 24 hours after watching the video

i can still think about it i still think literally your first line in that and that it's so good nothing will be faster than the uh our first episode back where the first joke happens in the first two frames where i fall down accidentally and we leave it in yeah that is that is really but it's it's also so funny because it's like our first moment back are we gonna do this right are we gonna nail it are we gonna honor these characters or you just fall just a fucking slip and it hurt it actually did really hurt you actually shouldn't laugh oh come on come on space cadet not really a space cadet i also walked into a fucking glass door last year how's that for being an astronaut would neil armstrong do that no he's dead really i'm actually saddened to hear

that was that recent um not that recent right bet yeah Bet. Yeah. Bet. Bet. All right. We're already 20 minutes deep. Let's introduce the show. It's If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us.

I'm Amir. I am Jake. All right. Let's take a break, thank some sponsors, and then actually answer questions. Finally. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first-stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support

because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters?

Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy

thank you squarespace and we're back jake you mentioned this briefly earlier, but do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. All right. I say subscribe. I say subscribe to print journalism folks and is this sort of like a way of supporting honest media in a world where there's so much disinformation traveling online are you actually getting it to read it yeah no i did i remember like when trump was president and everyone was like you have to sign

up for the washington post you have to sign up for the Washington Post. You have to sign up for the New York Times. And I remember thinking that that seemed like it was really them. It was like them taking some kind of PR opportunity, like a really good marketing thing. And I was like, fuck that. So I still kind of feel like that. But my friends, I visited them out in uh new york like uh in the country and they're just getting yeah they just get the the um the weekend edition of the new york times and they were having such a pleasant morning like drinking coffee reading a paper no phones in sight listening

to music and i was like this seems really relaxing um and they have a kid and they're like their kid's super smart and they were like yeah like he just he never sees us on our phones because we this is like basically how we hang out they i think they get the paper all the time um jesus he never sees them on their phone and i'm sure he does now that's gotta be the hardest part of being a parent yeah but apparently this kid like rather than like reaching for phones will like just reach for the paper and he like sees that his parents reading the paper so wow anyway that's just what made me feel like oh it is kind of like a nice mellow way of life to to like read the paper

rather than like wake up and look at your phone so i started doing weekend edition yeah on saturday and sunday i just laze about the house reading the paper and it's really really lovely yeah it must help your attention span too because like in the morning i'm just sort of rapid scrolling through notifications that I got overnight. See if there's any stories. Do a quick, quick fap if I am like scrolling through my only fans blog roll. And then I'm sort of on Twitter, TikTok, and I finish the day off with a Snapchat streaks spam. So I'll sort of go back to everybody that hit me up in the last 24 hours.

Yeah, and I have a much more mellow day where I read the times, read the sports, read the arts, do the crossword. Then I also subscribe to the monthly penthouse so I can have a cheeky fap. Then I have bone appetites. So I started reading up on recipes.

I have men's health and I started doing a quick workout. So it's actually, um, pretty manic as well, to be honest, a cheeky fap, a cheeky fap a cheeky fap what does that mean like you're just sort of cranking it then at that point you have a British slang for it but you're you're masturbating your kid sees you masturbating

but it's in a cheeky fashion no it's in the fucking kitchen so so it's fine. I have really liked reading the paper. It has made my weekend routine very low-key, very mellow. It's super nice. That's cool. All right, here's my quick bit of unsolicited advice. As I said, I was going to do my driver's license, like renew that. So it asked if I had any appointments uh that i wanted to make and i looked and there was a lot of appointments on christmas eve that's right for any jews out there

that want to get annoying shit done i highly recommend just using christmas eve as an excuse to go to the dmp perhaps a post office get all the annoying stuff that most other people would never dare do on December 24th. That's a really, really good point. Maybe schedule that COVID test or the booster shot too. Yeah, exactly. I've heard horror stories in New York right now

of the testing lines being insane. Oh, really? Oh, right, like lines around the block. But that's just to get tested, right? It's not to get the's right boost yeah it's hard to get an appointment to get the boost though they should just send everybody a covet test yeah why make it hard to get tested it should certainly be better uh all right we are you sent me some questions some of these are just straight up follow-up pups yeah i was kind of intrigued by the notion of doing an all follow-up pup episode. Wow.

Did these ones seem familiar to you? Do you remember these questions? At least two of them I remembered. Oh, right. There's the one where a 21-year-old college student found cat puke on the floor. And she didn't know whether to pick it up or not. That's right. Did we tell her to pick it up?

I think you told her to get a vacuum cleaner to sort of hoove it up. No, I think you said vacuum. I thought I said a paper towel. I said that it's not that runny, that cat vomit is usually kind of thick. Yeah, like oatmeal. Yeah. And then I think I said maybe wait until your other roommate gets home in four hours and just she'll have to do it uh let's see here hey guys uh it's me i did indeed

clean up the puke almost exactly how jake suggested it here's the proof warning trigger warning gag sorry i gag i know i was dramatic, but it smelled like tuna. As I previously mentioned, I was violently hungover. Jesus. Should we watch this video? Yeah. This is just video of somebody else picking up cat puke. Okay.

It's a locked off shot on an iPhone. Oh, wow. She picked it up. But she is gagging. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She's straight up gagging. We should probably keep that audio in there.

I'll edit it in. Jesus. Holy shit. Did she make that video for us? Or do you think that... Or to send to the roommate? Yeah. This is how living with you makes me feel i feel like i haven't gagged in a while nothing's been so

like wretchedly disgusting to me that i had to fake puke almost in my mouth yeah it's been a long time for me too but i remember when i was a kid and my mom would change the triplets or change Micah, I like just being near the smell of baby shit made me almost throw up. Yeah. I was the youngest child. So fortunately I never saw any of that stuff. Yeah. Although I did duty in my diaper until the ripe age of just now. The ripe old age of today years old when i found out i shouldn't be going duty in a diaper that awkward moment when gotta go

cash uh all right here's another follow-up pup how many shakes is too many shakes you what is this oh when you pee i remember this question and it's i think this basic this this is just such a funny reminder of this entire thing so this is this is when you pee as a man and you have a penis and you just sort of dangle your penis at the end of the P to shake it out. He wants to know how many penis shakes is too many, right? Yeah. And he said that he had developed this technique of sliding his, pinching his dick and like sliding his fingers forward to like get the last drop out.

Right. And I don't remember what I said. Do you? No. Oh, well well he mentions it he said that we told him to drink um water so his pee is clear and then it's fine if it dribbles into your pants a little because it's only three drops i think and then the follow-up just said uh your advice yeah indeed was for me to drink a lot of pee. And then, you know what?

I've had an issue with this because my underwear used to be cloth, and that sort of soaked in any, like, drop or two that would remain. And now I switched to this mesh material. Yeah, the internet. Yeah. And that doesn't, that's, it's moisture wicking. And so like, it doesn't actually absorb any dangling participles. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't sort of soak in almost like a thin diaper that last drop or two. I got to be extra careful. Yeah. You definitely can't dribble as much in these underwear, but I think that the

trade-off is that they're significantly more comfortable throughout the day so even though the cloth underwear as you stated is really nice because you're able to piss in it a little bit i think this underwear is better because it's breathable you can move it it's comfortable and unfortunately it doesn't hold as much piss as you would like to put in it but i think that's that's okay uh ultimately and honestly with my previous underwear and i almost feel shame admitting it but there were times when i didn't necessarily need to go peepee in the potty what i would do was sort of go tinkle in my own underwear and almost like a thicker, picker upper, a bounty of sorts. It would sort of just, I call it the sit and soak.

Yeah, you are the brawny man. I would sit and I would soak actually. Yeah. So I don't know. Maybe there's something to that. Is there anything there? Do you think? For this guy yeah for this guy to have a different underwear for it or something i don't know what do you think like yeah am i talking in circles or i'm not getting a lot out of you yeah i don't know what

you want me to say you're advocating for this guy for for his ongoing issue um is you're advocating for this guy for his ongoing issue is you're telling him to just piss in his pants. Buy a pair of Hanes and piss in your pants. Yeah, or like to pull that back a little bit you don't have to like shake as much at the end.

Whatever. Yeah, fine. Follow up up from episode 467 staying warm. What is this one um i already forget a sophomore who had a crush on oh one of the boys yes this i remember um she she had hooked up with this guy they were about to move in together um this guy and her friends, and they, and they, like, cuddled, and she was, like, and he made a joke that they were going to cuddle all the time when they lived together, and she wasn't sure what to do, and we said that they were just

gonna hook up, I think. Right, right. Right, but she has a, she has, like, almost a new situation. Yeah, it's been a year since that email and boy do i have an update for you i call this boy brandon for the sake of the email making sense since sending that email brandon and i cuddled only a couple more times over a few months then i got a boyfriend that i was happily dating for eight months and during that time i can tell brandon was still uncomfortable when i brought my boyfriend to gatherings and i talked about boys in general like Like we had planned, Brandon and I moved in together with three other roommates in August and he started dating a girl for a few months too. I was at home in another state for a spell, so I was out of the apartment

for about two months and when I returned, we were both single. And what did we do our first night back? You guessed it, we cuddled. This time time under the roof we both pay rent in it's only been a week since that happened but i've quickly come to realize that i still have feelings for brandon i was 100 loyal to my boyfriend physically and emotional but there are always thoughts in the back of my mind now we occasionally flirt but he has brought other girls back home and sometimes talks about other girls however he says he's emotionally available to actually be with them. I still intend on seeing other people too, but I'm hopeful in the future when we don't live together anymore, say this coming August. So what do you think?

Is it worth to wait it out for the long haul? How do I express genuine interest towards the end of our lease? I really do see us being good together one day. Mm, yes. So this is the problem with cuddling. It just, it almost, it's like that New York Times 40 questions thing. It's impossible not to fall for someone

that you've cuddled with. To me, this is like, you guys are already doing the more intimate part of the relationship. This is, you're backing into something. you're cuddling into it yeah it doesn't it doesn't compute for me and he's also telling you that he's hooking up with people and i believe that he that it said that he's emotionally unavailable to those people yeah so so to that end, I feel like he's expressing to you that he's getting his rocks off, but he actually likes you. And you're cuddling him, but you don't want to actually take it a step further until the end of your lease is in sight.

But what happens if your roommates want to renew? I think you just, you guys got to admit to each other that you like each other and you're taking a leap of faith. But if it doesn't work out, your lease will be up in August. So you could do that. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough to cuddle and then not to have it progress. Like, how does a cuddle just end? It's like a cuddle is so close and then you just walk away sort of sexually aroused in a way. You basically have to fall asleep before anything happens. Or maybe a cheeky fap once everyone's back in their own quarters.

And it will be cheeky. Is there any other way? But there's only so many cuddles you can do before the cat's out of the bag. You can't just be a serial cuddler. No. And I mean, what's the least sexy position to cuddle in? Because face to face.

Side to side? Like you're sort of seeing something scary in a commercial? Hmm? Side to side. Like shoulder to shoulder, I guess. Oh, like laying on your back. Oh, no. I mean, like two people facing the same way.

One of them has an arm around the other. Is that cuddling that's spooning right no like my shoulder against your shoulder like we're like two seats on an airplane but there's no space between us uh-huh yeah and then you have your arm around yeah are you lying down i don't think so you need more surface area to overlap for the cuddle? I think so. I think that's just sitting to me. Yeah. Does cuddling have to be lying?

Yeah, I think so. Or at the very least, it has to be like feet up. You can't be like cuddling while sitting on a couch. You can cuddle on a couch, but I feel like someone has to have their feet up. Do you know what I mean? I guess two people can't be facing the same direction for a cuddle. It has to be one person facing forward, one person facing to the left. And then you're sort of cuddling, almost sitting on one person's lap.

But maybe legs draped over their lap. There's got to be more overlap on the lap. In a sitting cuddle or a lying down cuddle? Sitted, yeah. If there could be a seated cuddle. Yeah, a sitting cuddle or a lying down cuddle? Sitted, yeah. If there could be a seated cuddle. Yeah, a seated cuddle. I think if you're like, if someone is lying on the couch and their head is in your lap and you have your arm, like your hand, like stroking their arm, that's a cuddle.

Even if you're on the ground, that's a cuddle. And I defy someone to tell me that it wasn't a cuddle. It's a very intimate cuddle. Yes, yes, yes. What else? What else can cuddling be? What about cuddlingus? So it's not really going down on someone.

It's just cuddling them. Epic, bro. I actually call fingering cuddlingus. If we have a Squarespace ad you should you should look that shit up you should bring back your twitter account just for that one tweet ruin all the goodwill you've built for the past decade of silence and then deactivate going forward hit him with that and schwimmer's ear back to back. Delete your fucking account.

All right, let's take a break. And I think you found some more follow-up ups. That's right. After these messages. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part

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then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. The guy who didn't change his underwear so that the Chiefs of Kansas City would keep winning football games. Has given us a follow-up pup. He says, my system works and you're both jerks.

Okay. Don't put words in my mouth. It makes us both look foolish since that email the chiefs are five and one in the playoffs aka they've won a super bowl but their one loss was to tom brady who's impervious to my proven technique the goat bested fate i have no recourse unless you guys have an idea on how to beat tb12 so he's like this new thing of not washing my underwear on game days has worked every week,

except for when they played the Buccaneers in the Superbowl and Tom Brady won again. I see. I see. Now, I mean, we could be getting a rematch of that this year. The chiefs are starting to win again.

Tom Brady, of course, even though he's 44 is still doing well. I wonder, I wonder if there is a way to combine the two efforts of like the the pp1 from earlier that you recommended oh the guy who pissed his pants who should piss his pants you said and the guy in this case who's like i'm not changing my underwear so remember do you remember that when you told that guy to just sort of piss himself a little bit i wonder if there's a way to use that

going yeah i mean i said that it was fine to get a few drops and then i think you complained that you can't piss as much in your underwear as today actually a turdy for you no i don't think so i don't think so at all fuck i thought i can get out ahead of it or something and like uh because you often do that to me you recuse me that was and accuse me that actually to be given a false turdy that almost is like, that's an automatic golden mic because of what, it's almost like a technical foul. Like, that was the wrong moment in opportune time. Not with this. So we'll take the golden mic.

You'll get the turdy for that kind of, it was a coup. It was a coup. It was a poo. It was a mutiny attempt. And I came for the king and I actually did miss. Unfortunately. And then I was just sort of caught and you were holding a sword

and a gun. And I was a little afraid of what would happen next. And you pissed in your Fruit of the Looms. Fruit of the Looms. You in your Fruit of the Looms. Fruit of the Looms. You still wear Fruit of the Looms. You call them Fruit of the Blooms. Nice.

Is there still Fruit of the Loom? Yeah, yeah, because me and my brother tested them for, I think, like white t-shirts on the goat show. They're hanging on there. You know what their URL is? I mean, shout out to Fruit of the Loom. Is it fruit? It's just fruit.com. Oh, wow.

Dare I say, you know how wearing Kirkland or Costco branded shirts is now becoming cool? It seems like Kanye is wearing Old Navy. They're making these big sweatshirts that say Fruit of the Loom on it and the logo is kind of hipster chic, I think. they're making like these big sweatshirts that say like fruit of the loom on it and like the

the logo is kind of like uh hipster chic i think i'm gonna pop over to fruit.com right now i'll tell you what i got i think and the prices are low of course because you know they're still being manufactured in dangerous situations but a big shirt that says fruit of the loom or a sweatshirt that does i don't know maybe there's something there wow i actually like this this uh this crew neck sweatshirt with just the the logo the fruit with the fruit yeah that's the fruit from the loom i think that's really cool and not only that but it looks like the t-shirts are $12.99 and it's buy one, get one free. Are we doing an ad for Fruit of the Loom right now? By accident, we kind of are.

We're low-key endorsing fruit.com. Well, let me see. I forget the name of this company that won. Or not won, but it was like, goddamn, it's not Hanes. It's not Fruit of the Loom. What's like the other one? Is it Kirkland? Not Kirkland.

It's like that, though. Gap or Old Navy? No, it's totally like that. Now I just have to. Like, is it the kind that's like thick long shirts too yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah what are those called thick thick white long sleeved t hey not haynes not haynes like i'm i'm literally just going into my order history gildan gildan gildan yeah gildan yeah and i like the gildan they're not great but they were like it was like 14 for like eight of them they're so cheap it's cheaper than

getting like a can of soda they gotta be really uncomfortable like if this is actually $16 and buy one get one free could you imagine two fucking sweatshirts for eight dollars a piece on fruit.com like i bought i bought uh the gildan t-shirts and i also bought like an expensive white tee from like buck mason like i don't those are i don't know 30 40 bucks something like that yeah and i feel like they the the gildan ones don't last as long but i also get stains on like the gildan one will wear itself out and i have to get rid of it but there's a buck mason one i have for only a couple months before i inevitably get hot sauce on it so i have to get rid of that also you know like it's either it's either the shirt failing or me failing so you might as well save them like i think you would save money in the

long run by just going all guilt.com yeah i guess we should just lean in and all in on fruit but i'm pretty sure their shirt was actually really bad when i tested it okay they better be because again you can get two fucking crew neck fruit sweatshirts for 20 total here wow that's awesome i mean and the color is nice too the models are hip i don't know what to tell you this man has long hair it is so weird how like champion just came back and did all of that's what it is collabs and everybody fucking just suddenly loved the champion logo and fruit of the loom must have been like oh wait why not we what up fruit champion was a joke and so was fruit why are they cool now because once bring them back from the dead. You could do that to fruit.

You're telling me that fucking Drake would never wear this Fruit of the Loom sweatshirt to a concert? Of course he would. Absolutely he would. Absolutely. Actually, when Fruit of the Loom comes back, I want credit. I'm going to fucking buy low on

fruit.com. I'm going to wear it. I'm going to buy a shirt and a fucking and i'm gonna wear i'm gonna wear it and i'm gonna i'm gonna buy a shirt and a fucking sweatshirt and if you guys see me rocking it on instagram i want people to go absolutely ham on my ram they gotta go ham for the fruit like a prosciutto melon ball that being said if i do a slight bit of research and they come out as like i don't know a maga company or a little that was my fear with gildan actually yeah but i think i found out that they did not donate to the trump campaign okay that's good but i don't know about fruit i don't know about fruit it's owned by the my pillow guy actually my pillows owns fruit.com I mean the URL alone is worth

it's like they have a shitty store but the land that they're on is so incredible yeah that'll do it so I think this guy should keep the trend alive you know don't wash the underwear for the games that it worked for but when you play TB12 then wash it just do something

different that time just try something different that's all i could say uh one last new question just because we got a good one about um a girlfriend who's writing in about her boyfriend that uh he made her a meal and he's very health conscious and then she asked to add salt to it and he said i don't do that and it led to quote the biggest fight i've ever had not just with a partner but in my life he said he doesn't add salt to his food to keep his sodium intake down there is a difference between sodium which is used as a preservative and salt which is used to add flavor i showed him countless articles explaining this but he wouldn't back down uh

who's right here i don't think it's petty to defend properly seasoned food would you date someone who doesn't use salt you're pretty you're a salty guy i love salt yeah yeah very salty so she's saying that it's fine to salt your your food for flavor afterwards if you don't use salt in the cooking because it's not infused in the food. It's not as salty. Are you the kind of guy that just like, can I get salt even before you taste the food? Yeah, I want salt.

I salt pretty liberally. I'll salt a lot during cooking. Salt after. I like it. You like salt, don't you? I like i like salt yeah you little salty little freak you fucking sodium fiend you can't even get enough of that pink himalayan shit either you like the coarse salt don't you the fucking stadium pretzel sized the the white salt so thick it can only be described as fruit of the loom that's a second turdy for you yeah yeah because that got personal and it was nasty and it was tacky it was vindictive

it was vitriolic i didn't like it it was bile and it was vile. It was vile. It was venomous. It was evil minded and small minded and petty. And it wasn't pretty. So I think for that attack on my person, you get a second golden turn. Excuse me. I get a second golden mic. And actually I get the second golden turn excuse me I get a second golden mic and actually I get the second golden mic

because I misspoke but that was ultimately ultimately fine because I was still doing the podcast justice and adhering to the rules which you shook your fist at so let's award the first ever double golden mic episode you've gotten a lot of my misspeaking

after after a pretty harrowing experience i'm shaking i'm shook into the core and actually you start like a salt shaker and i will lick my salty wounds. Yeah. I mean, would you say it's grounds for dismissal if someone says you can't salt my food? That seems like to be a weird hill to die on for both sides, actually. Yeah. This guy should definitely. It's one of those arguments that's like blown out of proportion. So you guys need a little space. And you've got to come back to this with clear heads. And I do think that you should at least be able to salt your

own food at his house. So he has to have it. That's not fair. Yes, that's correct. I mean, these little things, maybe this is a pandemic problem. You know how little things can get into a little bit more intense after sharing a space with someone for 18 months straight. That's correct. Take a beet. Take some salt. And try not rubbing salt in his wounds. It seems like he has some sort of issue with it.

I don't know what it is. Maybe he'll get over it. It seems like he shouldn't be offended. I mean, you had famous chefs don't get offended when you add salt to their food. Yeah, I mean, show him what's the daily allowed intake of salt. Is it like five grams? It's a lot. I forget what it is.

Like show him on a scale what you're allowed to eat every day, and then show him what you would sprinkle on your food for flavor. And I feel like it's ultimately it's okay yeah uh it seems like 2300 milligrams per day okay that's a teaspoon of table salt that's a lot you're using pinches here and there you very rarely have an entire teaspoon of table salt right at least directly to the face but i put you know teaspoons of salt in like a seasoning but she's saying that's different yeah because it's like in theory you're not just eating the whole seasoning it's like spread out throughout multiple people usually right right right and it goes uh all right sorry for sorry that he's being salty. Maybe it's about something else.

Yeah, he's being Salt Bae. Nice. That's a turdy for me for that kind of lame joke, but that's fine. Ultimately, because I still have a golden mic on the day. Pretty cool to get a turdy and still come out on top. That's another golden mic for me. Let's call this episode. Yes, let us actually call this episode.

You're having some sort of episode yourself this was a static episode but you're having a manic episode cool going absolutely insane thinking about the salt thinking about the hardware you're on fruit.com who's having a manic episode i'm buying a thousand sweatshirts just in case the price of poker goes up. And yeah, free shipping over $5,000. Sign me up, please. All right. Thanks for writing in.

If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifirewshow at gmail.com. That opening number, remember that one? It was the cool cash one that was about Lula by those YouTubers. God, what was their names? JT, I want to say. It had to have been JT or something like that. They count cash, that's all I know. Dave and TJ count money.

There it is. And the closing theme song was somebody who sent me an mp3 oh here it is trevor davis uh a version of a recent song i dropped in this version jake is a psychotic killer and amir seems kind of into it so there you have it uh shout out my soundcloud soundcloud.com slash ohno. Ohno. All right. O-H-N-O-O-H-N-O. Soundcloud.com slash ohno.

Ohno. And yes, as always, more stuff on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J-A. Other than that, we'll be back next week. Happy holidays. Ciao, everybody. Later. week happy holidays everybody later oh did you just kill something? That's human blood in them. What just happened was actually pretty fucking cool. You didn't suck me at all. No, because I got him quick.

Oh, it's eating me. Yeah, that's rare it's actually pretty fucking neat what just happened was actually pretty fucking cool. Yeah. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

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