Segments - 52: Steroids (with Ben Schwartz)

Episode Date: January 13, 2014

Comedian and friend Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss social anxiety, family obligations, and how to write without writing. This episode is brought to you by SlugBooks.com! If you're wondering how to get your college textbooks for cheap this semester, simply check out SlugBooks.com/Amir or SlugBooks.com/Jake for your answer! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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time only. That was insane that you thought I'd let you get away with that. Okay, well I didn't know your mic was plugged in. What did you think? I don't know. What, that it wasn't? I was just holding an empty mic.

All right, that's enough. You're mad at me now? Yeah. For what? For proving my point that you're a piece of shit. This episode is brought to you by slugbooks.com.

That is right, you guys. These are books about slugs. Y'all have seen them. Y'all need to learn more about slugs. And I'm going to unplug your microphone. Easy does it. Easy does it. Easy. For those of you in college, you're about to go back to class and college bookstores are ripping you off. So what's the alternative? If

you go to slugbooks.com, it compares the prices of all the cheapest sites online like Amazon and Chegg so you can save the most money. Yes, that's correct. And here's how Slug Books works. First, you find the ISBN numbers of the books you need at your college. This is something you guys all understand because, you know, you're in college. ISBN numbers. I have no idea what the fuck that is, but I'm sure you all do. That wasn't gibberish to people in college. So you find that ISBN number of the book you need at your college, your professor, or bookstore's

website, and search for that number on Slugbooks. You'll be comparing the exact same book as the one your class requires across a ton of sites. It's pretty logical, simple, and easy. If you need a textbook, just go to Slugbooks, and it compares the prices of all these places, and it'll tell you where to find the cheapest one. You guys get that, right? And all you need is your ISBN number. You know, the International Store of Book Numbers. Yeah, number.

The International Store of Book Numbers number. So you get how this works. And to make it a little more sweet, a little more personal, slugbooks.com slash jake or slugbooks.com slash amir. They made little cartoon versions of us as the logo. So those are worth

seeing even if you're not going to buy a book. Yes, but you guys, if you're going to buy a book, they will charge you hundreds of dollars for a book that you can get for $10 online. That's why I say fuck college. But if you're going to stay in college, if you're going to stay in, at least don't get gouged at the bookstore. Exactly right. That being said, drop out of college. No, no, no. We don't want to.

You guys want to save money on books? How about you save money on tuition I'm so sorry I'm dead serious they did not approve this oh $200 $200 $10

it's like $40,000 no no we're not we're not condoning that we're not condoning that we are not condoning that hey this is a very exciting episode thanks so much for listening everybody

we finally got Ben Schwartz on the podcast and as a special treat to him and all of you guys in this episode with Ben Schwartz, for the first and only time ever on this podcast, things got real. So you're going to love it. Let's start it. Let's fucking do this. Ready? Here we go. And don't you worry about your real name getting out.

Cause we'll seize the cheese. Protect your anonymity. Oh, Jake and Amir, they're here to guide us. They're the only advice podcast. When things get real. Wow. Very nice. That was intense.

I hated it. In a good way. In a good way. Hey, we're here with Ben Schwartz. We did it. Baby. We did a mic check for the first like 30 seconds like i'm not gonna be yelling i'm not gonna be yelling this is my level this is my level hey that's ben schwartz it's a bobcat go through the first five seconds uh this is a pretty exciting moment because one we you we've been requested that

you come on the show for a while and two you've never heard the show and know nothing about it no well i know the title of it it's wish i were you that's incorrect right off the bat me no incorrect what is it if i were you if i were you yep starring shmamir and jahimi right i am your host jahimi and i'm here and i do know this is i'm trying to be that I do know that you guys take questions, whether it be from people on Twitter, I'm assuming. Okay, on jakeandemir.com. Nope.

On whitehouse.org. Yes, correct. And you get those, and I'm assuming they're personal type questions. Yeah. And then we answer truthfully. Yes. And we try to help people. That's right.

That's pretty accurate. It's an advice podcast. And does someone win? The audience. Everybody wins. How about this time one of us wins? Okay. How about, yeah, you score us.

Okay. I'll score. You score us. I'll be like the caddy of this whole thing. Yeah, yeah. And we'll try to shoot under par or whatever. Are there special games we play every episode? Like every episode we try to do like.

Ben's not going to. He's just going to figure out the podcast and then also change it. Can put in a game right now we're gonna improve it yeah i put in a game right now sure okay i want us to all think of the happiest year of our life okay okay uh-huh and then what's the game that's not a game you're just asking us to say ready no this is the game i'm gonna guess what they are for both you guys guys. I'm thinking of it. Okay. Yeah. How old are you right now? 30. 30 a week and a half ago. Jake?

28. I'm supposed to guess it. Oh, what? God damn it. Are you changing the rules on your own game? I thought you asked how old we were. Oh, how old you are now? Okay, your best year of your life was, I'm talking one.

One year old. That was too big. Oh, sorry. I was thinking of an actual year like 2012 in my head. Which is fine for you because you're January 1st. So I'm 28.

You think my best year that I had a lot of. No, if I'm going to be honest, I think your favorite year was, I think freshman of college was when you were fucking, that's when Hurwitz was fucking. That's amazing.

That's the most wrong. Is that true? Is that the worst? That was the worst. Freshman year of college was the most depressed, sad I've ever been. Do people know that who listen to this podcast? No, I don't think your freshman year has ever come up.

But you've had more and more sex as you've gotten older and older. Yeah, yeah. Practice makes perfect. You get better as you... Happiness isn't a one-to-one ratio to how much sex you have. Well, it depends on who you're talking to. Even for Jake, I don't think so. That's true. It's not directly correlated to how much sex I'm having. Sure it is. I mean, sex is so that's true it's not it's not it's not like it's not

really correlated to how much sex i'm having sure it is i mean sex is definitely involved but it's not the amount it's the it's the it's the um quality of the sex oh but it's still sex no matter what it's involved it's not the amount it's the quality of the sex like my best years are like when i feel when i when i'm like traveling when i feel close to my family close to my friends and i'm getting late good answer this is a good answer to get women to have sex with you. No, I said getting laid. I mean, I'm definitely still a piece of shit on top of all of this. The thing is, like, the quality of friends and family stays constant throughout the year,

so I guess, by default, the one variable is how much sex I'm having, and the more, the better. Is there years when I don't have— Why are we still talking about me? What was the best year of your life? I didn't answer. I'm so sorry I did this game. This was not a game, by the way. And so far, Amir, you're losing.

Jake is in the lead. I would say either the last year of my life at age 30 has been very, very fun, or the first year that I started working at College Humor was very, very fun as well. Ooh, that's a good also. First, my first year doing stuff at UCB and having zero, zero money and eating Wendy's every day. I really enjoyed that. Yeah. Because you love Wendy's.

I love Wendy's. I love being forced socioeconomically to be eating Wendy's every day. I really enjoyed that. Yeah. Because you love Wendy's. I love Wendy's. I love being forced socioeconomically to be eating Wendy's. It was the first time I saw like, you know, like Horatio Sanz perform or all these people that I idolized on SNL like perform in front of me. Yeah. And realize that it's possible to do it. Yeah. Did that ever happen for you?

Did you ever get to the performing part? No, not yet. My bucket list was this podcast, Wish I'm Having Your Baby. Your best years were when you were hustling for what you wanted, and now when you have what you want. Now why is that? Because why do you think that is? Because, one, hustling feels good, especially if it ends up being fruitful.

And, two, reaping the fruit of your benefits and rewards is also very fun. And looking back at your hustle. Yeah that's what everyone says everyone like every uh successful not that we're quote unquote successful i'm saying every successful person says the time where i was struggling starving poor and afraid those were the best years of my life yeah but i never believe them when they say that right i think you also there's like that level of hustle because i was uh freezing starving poor and afraid my freshman year of college but I didn't know what I wanted to do. So that's miserable. I would never be like, yeah, I wish I was still in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, getting fat and being sad.

Right. You don't want that. But then there was that year where I was poor in New York, and it was fun because I was working at College Humor. Right. What's a good example of a poor story that you have? That's good. Like the poorest story that you have. The poorest, like?

Like I have one where like when i moved to new york and i wasn't making enough money to live there my parents had to pay for my summer sublet and then i i put myself on a budget called the three seven ten plan which required me to spend three dollars on breakfast seven dollars on lunch and ten on dinner and so that i didn't spend more than twenty dollars a day on food. And then I gained 12 pounds because I just ate bagels and Chinese food all day. By the way, this is all coming from

three middle class guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The poorest I ever was was when I spent $10 on dinner. People were like, you had $10? Well, we all have safety nets. If we hit zero,

although the three of us are pretty driven, we would never allow ourselves to hit zero, zero. But if we hit zero, zero, there would be a house for us to stay in. Yeah. That's like the most comforting thing. Which is where me and Jake are currently staying, at my parents' house.

Is that true? But you guys are getting your own place? Yeah. Hopefully. We're trying. Well, I'm back on the 3, 7, 10 plan, so I'm going to try to save up. I mean, people can hear me eating, right? Maybe so.

Well, I bet they're not really paying attention. I'm sorry. It's a little nibs. Should we try to answer some questions? Oh, yeah. Let's do it. That's how the podcast works. Let's play the question answering song.

That's right. Everybody's got questions, and I'm here and Jake has got the answers. I totally forgot to mention that theme song. We start every episode. I'm going to explain it to the audience, but also, Ben, we start every episode with a custom theme song that our fans submit. And that one was from someone who's got her own little solo thing going

that she's a violinist and singer named Jack and Jill. It'd be so funny if it was like, she's got her own thing. Her name is Florence. Her name is Lauren. Florence and the Machine. It's like some uber famous person. Big fan of the podcast. Thanks for that. And if you have your own theme song or question, you can email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Or just

call Amir. Should I get your phone number? No, no, no. I'm okay. 3-1-0. 5-5-5. I'm cutting you off because you're wrong. No, no, no. It's 8-1-8.

You know if the FBI calls your phone, it comes up as 5-5-5? No. 100% true. Just 5-5-5? No, no, no. It comes up by an area code, 2-1-2, 5-5-5. How do you know? Hey, man.

Sometimes. Sometimes what? Sometimes people just know baby I mean Honey Nut Cheerios So it's still like Sometimes people know Baby Yeah you're not You're not holding nuts Or anything fun

You're holding little Children's cereal in your hand God we're gonna eat dinner after this I shouldn't do this Yeah I'm trying to eat healthy New Year's resolution Oh that's your New Year's resolution

To eat healthier? One of them. And to watch Jake just slam bees. Thank you. What do you think the bees meant? Beef curtains? No. Oh.

And one more. Belly buttons? Like I'm humping a belly button? No. It was bitches, and I felt bad that I said it. I was going to change it to boys, and then I was like, that's not funny either. That's even worse in a way. In every way, actually. So what we do is these are real emails

but we want to preserve people's anonymity so we give people's fake names and we figure you're going to come up with fake names. Yeah, let me see their real name and I'll give them a... Oh, should I not even see their real name? Yeah, don't even look at their real name. Can you give me initials?

So this email comes from... Stanley Keeps. Stanley Keeps? Yep. Oh, this will be my favorite part of the podcast. I don't have to do anything else. Stanley Keeps. Stanley Keeps? Yep. Oh, this will be my favorite part of the podcast. I don't have to do anything else.

Stanley Keeps writes, I was really into bodybuilding for a while and I used to take steroids every now and then. Dabbling with the juice brought forth

poon with swift vigor. I was swimming in it sometime, but I was robbed of my glory by a hack cardiologist. He says I have an arrhythmia or some shit, and even though I felt

fine, he made me quit the roids. I almost immediately lost 40 pounds of muscle. I'm currently looking the bitchliest of my life. The poon ceased to rain, and a drought of fappage came about. I'm considering returning to the juice to receive the poon I deserve. Jake can relate. Should I pump up and return to my former magnificence? Or should I heed this cardio charlatan, this quack of hearts, and die a poonless withering husk? Sincerely, Edward

Knightpin. My question is, is this what the podcast is? You guys talk about sex? Is it a lot about sex? A lot of people's main question is about relationships and vice. And steroids and stuff? Sex and relationships. Steroids is new.

Steroids is new. It's a new little twist. I want to hear how you answer this. I have an opinion, but I want to hear how you guys on the podcast answer this. So let's pretend Ben wasn't here and I just finished. What would you say? First of all, I resent being lumped in with him when he said, I would understand. Yeah, you're not jacked.

Well, I am naturally jacked. I don't need steroids but i would like it sounds like his doctor uh saved his life yeah he's like he's just he's down to just go back on steroids potentially die yeah just so he can keep getting pussy he down plays it by saying he diagnosed me with an arrhythmia or some shit i also i feel like a lot of girls aren't necessarily into big muscles, big muscly guys. Well, this guy was drowning in poon and now he's not, so maybe they are. I think there's a chance he was lying.

But maybe there are some girls and the ones that he's attracted to are the ones that are attracted to muscles. Right, got it, got it, got it. So the girls that you're attracted to are also attracted to people like you. Yes. That's sort of an evolutionary thing. Do you find that? The girls that you're attracted to are attracted to you? The type of look that you have attracted to are attracted to you? The type of look that you

have, girls are attracted to that. The girls that are attracted to that look are the ones that you're attracted to. Tell me what you mean. Let's say you're a female and you're into me. You're saying that in essence if you're into me, I'm most likely into you because we are attracted to each other's features.

Right, exactly. I don't know if that's true. Also, let's take an example of someone who is, Jake, you're very attractive. Amir, you're very attractive. But someone who's far more attractive than we are.

And then that person is probably, everybody that comes up to them is probably so into them and that person, if it's Brad Pitt. There's like a universal attractiveness.

Yeah. Everybody else would be like, I don't think so. There's also a type and like a muscly guy likes a girl that would be into muscly guys. Right. Whether you're forced into or – I feel like this still isn't answering the question, though.

Which is – I feel like now you're just – you're stereotyping. If you go back on steroids, is that the question? Yeah. No, of course not. If a doctor tells you you're hurting your life and there's a chance to put your life in it. He described it as arrhythmia, which I don't know. I'm not a doctor, but it sounds, that's life-threatening,

right? It's like it's when your heart beats. Add a different rhythm. Heart beats like the beat of a drum. Here we go now. Everybody wants to eat some more gum. Never heard of this song, so here I go. That's it. That's it, that's perfect

That's accurate It's called Arrhythmia I like it I would say please don't go back on steroids If these people take these answers serious I would say please don't do that Or you're going to get injured And if someone's going to

I mean how much smaller did he get? He said he lost 40 pounds 40 pounds of muscle 40 pounds of muscle Have you tried creatine? I mean there's other supplements, right? You just got to get on creatine, get some of that water weight. Can you imagine having 40 pounds of muscle?

I can't even lift 40 pounds of anything. No, I can't. I bet Jay can. I mean, yeah, 40 pounds of muscle. I don't know. Oh, my God. He's doing pull-ups right now. He's bringing his microphone up and he's doing pull-ups right now.

I'm more interested in lean muscle. I feel like that's some solid advice we could give him because I think what's important to him is poon. And it's not necessarily like he doesn't care so much about looking bitchly. It's more that his looking bitchly in his eyes directly affects the amount of pussy he can get. Yeah, that's correct. So I think that you just change your game. You become, instead of like a big beefcake, you're lean muscle. You're small. You're spry. You're like hipster.

You start going to some different bars. You're going after these girls. You can't change him. I mean, this guy did steroids. He has 40 pounds of muscle. He's not going to start rocking my look. He can't just wear glasses and tight Ben Sherman pants and color to dick. Don't call it your look, by the way.

Don't call it your look. That's my look only I can and I'll kick his ass actually you dress like every other 30 year old

white guy in the world the three of us are wearing the exact same shirt right now this is your look sincerely we're all wearing

blasters I own it we all have sweatshirts over our fucking planet this is great actually because what we're doing right now is

we're putting Amir on blast this is another theme of the show a runner if you will which, because what we're doing right now is we're putting Amir on blast. Yeah. This is another theme of the show. Yeah. A runner, if you will, which is, yeah, what you're doing is putting me on blast. That obviously didn't mean

I'm owning this look. This is a Thursday night blast, which at this point, this is a time that a lot of people do deserve to be put on blast. Thursday? A Thursday blast? I've seen it.

Big night out, by the way. Yeah. Big night out, Amir. But people are listening to it on a Monday. As far as they're concerned, this is a Monday morning blast. This is nobody wants to be blasted on a Monday morning.

At the beginning of the week, you have to be rested, well-rested. I would say midweek is appropriate time to blast. Either way, what I meant was, this guy who's capable of losing and gaining 40 pounds of muscle is never going to start looking like us all of a sudden, whether he's scrawny

or not. What do you mean? I think he's – I think he can't change your inner – like just as I can't gain 40 pounds of muscle and start attracting ladies who like muscular guys, you're sort of born with a genetic predisposition to be a certain way. He's not born with it. His genetic – he didn't have the genetic predisposition.

That's why he needed steroids. But what happens if the guy is just – Do you think the guy is very skinny now? Or do you think he looks like he's very skinny? I bet he's like, I look like the bitchliest I've ever looked and he could still kick the shit out of all three of us. I bet he's huge.

Can I curse? I apologize, I have been. You can curse. Do you not? Do you guys not? We do. We do. Oh, you don't try to.

I can tell by the way Andrew is trying not to. I can tell by the way Jake's honest answer. I won't curse. Jake's Christian values. I curse all the time. Fuck, shit the way, Andrew. I can tell, by the way, Jake's honest answer. I won't curse. Jake's Christian values. I curse all the time. Fuck, shit, poop, diarrhea. Edit that out. And by the way, the first two are the only curses.

Everything else is normal stuff that doctors say. I'm going to keep fuck, shit, and then actually bleep the other two so people won't know what he said. So I guess all three of us, all joking aside, listen to a doctor. Yes. Not nobody else. Nobody would agree with you. Be confident in yourself enough that you can go up to women and get them by your words and brain as opposed to your 40 pounds heavier physique. Or creatine, like Jake said.

I don't want to be a contrarian, but I will say I am Dr. Hurwitz, and I prescribe more poon. So juice up, buddy. All right. Is that literally what he says for every caller? This is my first time here. I'm Dr. Hurwitz, and I prescribe more poon. Knock, knock. So juice up, buddy.

By the way, how do we know that the working out isn't what's giving him arrhythmia? Either way, he can't have muscle, whether he has arrhythmia or not. Well, maybe he can have muscle Maybe he just shouldn't be on the roids What do steroids do? They actually just build muscle faster? Are there steroids that are other than syringe Like all I know is from that movie

The Program Are they all that? There must be pills now right? I think they're all that and also a bag of chips So you can do a So is there a button to erase? Is there a gong? How do we hit a gong? There must be pills now, right? I think they're all that and also a bag of chips. So you can do a... Oh, no. So is there a button to erase? I would like to erase that joke.

Is there a gong? How do we hit a gong? What's so sad is that I love that joke, and the first thing I heard was, oh, no. God. You loved it. Have mercy. You were smiling as you said it. You were so proud.

Oh, no. You loved it. No. No. You were smiling as you said You were so proud Oh no Oh I was like That's a dog bringing back a dead bird To the doorstep Like oh my owner's gonna love this Here it is Here you go Look what I got

Oh no Only I'm smart enough Smarter than a dog To realize the disappointment In my owner's face You've fully realized You've disappointed someone You've let something, a family down.

I saw your heart break. It's like that Simpsons episode of the exact moment you can see Ralph's heart break. Yep, I know exactly what you're talking about. They're coming out with a Lego set for the Simpsons February 1st. I saw that. No big deal, guys. It is not. Is that from my tweet?

From you, yeah. Oh, we should pimp out your Twitter account. Rejected jokes? Or not. All right. What? That was it. You should change it.

I have no Facebook followers, you told me. Ben Schwartz, that page. You guys have millions, and I have like two. Yeah. You should transfer. Start transferring all your Twitter followers. I'm not going to give you a lot of social media advice on this podcast, but you should really.

The Twitter ones, it's a dead pool of fans. You were telling me that before. You think that it's not. Yeah. Twitter is not as rich as Facebook. That made me so sad. There's not as much feedback. Facebook is better.

I know. I got to figure out a way to get involved more. We'll tag your page when we upload this podcast. Yeah, that'll do it. Thanks, guys. You know what? Never mind. All right.

Question number two. Can I tell you who it's from? Yes. This question comes from... Talbot Korbel. Talbot Korbel. TC. It's whatever comes out of my head, guys.

Here's... Whoa. Did you hear that honk? Yeah. It's Talbot showing some love. Someone's getting put on blasts Thursday night. Shit. He's already on board.

He's picking it up. All right, ready? Talbot writes, Here's the thing. My aunt and uncle, who I only see... No hello, just... Oh, no. Hey, guys. Sorry, go ahead. Love writes, Here's the thing. My aunt and uncle, who I only see... No hello, just here's the thing. Oh, no, hey guys. Sorry, go ahead.

Love you guys, love the show. Okay. Thank you. Are you happy? Yeah. You got that little compliment. I would hate to put him on an undeserved blast today. Why are we putting so many people on blast?

This should be called the Blast Hour Podcast. The Blast Hour. I think that exists already. Oh, I thought of a joke that I emailed you, which is when you put God on blast, we should call it Blastphemy. Yeah. That's great, by the way. Blastphemy. That's great.

That's not an oh-no, right? That's a good one? That's a good joke? You brought back somebody's wallet. I'm like, oh my God, dog. Thank you. I keep my money in a dead bird, so it's all the same to me. All right.

Talbot writes, hey guys, love you. Love the show. Here's the thing. My aunt and uncle, who I only see every couple of years, sent me a Christmas card which had 50 British pounds inside, which they say is for me turning 18. I am very grateful for the money, but inside the card, my aunt wrote a short little message

which had the usual bullshit, you know, how are you, what are you doing now, what are your plans for the new year, etc. I don't mind writing back a polite letter, but in part of the letter, my aunt wrote, if you would like a complete change from London, come and see us in the city that they live for a few days. I get on all right with my aunt and uncle, but the idea of going and spending a few days with them is insanity. I feel like they've put so much pressure on me by sending this nice money whilst also being so nice and polite that not going to see them would piss them off. I haven't done anything with the money yet, so I could send them the money back.

Here's my question. How do I decline the offer of visiting them whilst maintaining a good relationship with them from... Talbot Kalpe. Talbot Kalpie. Talbot Kalpie. So, thoughts, initial reactions? I'm going to act like, now you guys act like I'm not here. Okay, let's see how you guys do this. My initial reaction would be as follows.

Do you guys ever have guests on the show? Yeah, we've had some guests before. Okay, some guests, so not usually. Got it. My initial reaction is you got a case of the niceties. Great people. They seem like fantastic people. Seems like an easy way to get out of it.

Just be polite and say thank you so much for the money. If I'm in, you know, quote unquote that country, maybe we can absolutely meet up. That's it. Is there a big thing they're missing? I think the big thing that you're sort of glossing over is the fact that this guy's a colossal asshole. Oh, got it. Right. Yeah. That the nicest people

In the universe Just gave him money Were nice to him And said anytime You need a house Right And instead he said And he's freaking out

Trying to figure out a way Should I send him The money back I don't want to spend Any much more time With these people The pressure that He's referring to

Is them being nice to him Polite when he sees them And sending him money That's not really pressure That's just them Being normal nice people So we can call people people assholes is what you're doing? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

We do that mostly 90% to 95% of the time. We almost exclusively get emails from assholes. Oh, so do you guys pick the asshole ones maybe? Yeah, we choose the biggest assholes. Do you ever pick a nice person or no? No, because it's hard to really make fun of them. Yeah, you feel bad. You feel bad making fun of them.

In that case, yeah, it seems like a family member of yours went out of their way to exchange currency and give you something you might as well be nice i'll also mention like there's a chance that don is just being polite like she doesn't really want to visit her for three days yeah especially not this ass that happens all the time you're like oh here's a gift we'd love to see you let us know and then you're like oh thanks for the gift i'll let you know and that's it and that's all you have to do and you don't have to be a dick I love the fact that he's considering sending the money back imagine that like

oh we got a letter from Talbot god it's the 50 pounds back and nothing else thanks but no thanks your offer was clearly put undue pressure on by this blood money you can keep the cash

blood money I'd rather die alone and poor than ever have to see you again and it also might nice it might be nice to escape London and hire get hired get hired on your voice You can keep the cash. I'd rather die alone and poor than ever have to see you again. It also might be nice to escape London. Get higher. Get higher in your voice. It might be nice to escape London.

Really bad. That's good. I can slow this down. Yeah, I can slow this down so it'll be a normal life. That's pretty good. I really think you could do it. Everybody does a little Jay Leno. A little bit. And I'm a...

He's stressed at school, clearly. And maybe he does go escape the country. Your family's not around forever. It's good. Go learn about it. Yeah, visit your family. Definitely. It's your aunt and your uncle.

Or just be nice. All you have to do is be nice and say, thank you so much. I appreciate it. Yeah, no, this is what I would do. I'd be like, yeah, if I'm ever around, I definitely want to come. Or yeah, maybe one day I'll let you know if I'm wanting to leave London. It depends on what my feelings were and my aunt and uncle. Which it's suzy if it's amy if it's allison i'm fucking there you know what i'm saying yeah yeah if it's if it's nancy oh my god if it's pat

i'm done i'm done no no i'm putting pat on blast Putting Nancy on blast Yeah dude I'm telling you My dad had the fucking dopest sisters My mom's garbage They're all listening to this I know they're so fucking supportive Susie Amy They're all in the room

Oh my goodness I invited my aunts to Los Angeles I sent them $50 in the mail And an invite. They actually took me up on it. It was insane. But you guys see me around Hollywood. I'm going to these house parties, me and my five aunts.

That's the TV show, guys. Me and my five aunts. That's the TV show. Me and my five aunts. I'd watch that and say whatever bullshit you guys are trying to write. Can I at least give one note on the title? Yeah. My five aunts and I.

Why do you want to say aunts? Just to make the title? Yeah. My five aunts and I. Why do you want to say aunts? Just to make it a little more. Instead of aunts? My five aunts and I. I like me and my five aunts. Me and my five aunts got a ring to it. Let's at least pitch it. Right? It would be a waste not to pitch it. Yeah. I'm down for Amy, Allison, and Susie to play themselves. We heard

you're good aunts. Will you go to a random party if you're not invited? If a friend's like, hey, I'm going to this thing, would you come? I wouldn't show up by myself. Okay, but? But I would go to a party where I didn't know anybody. If someone's like, my friend is having a party. Yeah, so say you said, my friend is having a party.

I wouldn't just walk in completely alone, but I would grab Dave Rosenberg and just – So you'd bring somebody else that wasn't invited. Yeah, yeah. Just so I could like have somebody to talk to. I feel so – anytime like there's a party and let's say someone sent out an e-vite or like there was a thing and whatever and I didn't get – and I wasn't invited. And someone's like, oh, just come. It won't matter. And they like forward you the e-vite? I feel so awkward.

I was like, oh, I won't. I feel so weird. Like if they wanted me there. No, it's great. First two things. I feel like most of the time when people send out e-vites, part of it is like, I'm sure I forgot to invite a bunch of people, so tell your friends. Right. And the

other thing is like, when you're walking into a party, who knows where the host is? Most people there will just assume that you know the host some way. Right. Nobody is like, wait a second, who does that guy know here? Yeah. This guy just looked around the room like he didn't know someone. Do you know everyone here, bro?

Do you know the host? Do you know everyone? Don't you do that for all my parties. I make everybody raise their hand. You say, at the door, no. I say, how do you know me? Yeah, but that was like what happened at college, my freshman year of college, which was something I hated. Like, yeah, you walk into a, you like go up to a door and some fucking older upperclassman answers the door.

Like, who do you know here? Like, I know Mike. And he like goes and asks Mike here like i know mike and he like goes and asks mike and mike comes up and he's like oh yeah yeah he's he's so disappointed you're there oh because all they want is chicks to come oh another thing i'll say about parties is everybody wants their party to be successful and crowded and good so i think i guess i'm the opposite if i ever threw a party i think i'd want it to be like only people i trusted so they wouldn't hurt wherever we are i would be like so they don't hurt wherever we are. I would be like, so they don't hurt.

Like, let's say it's in my place or like, or at a place. I don't know. It depends if it's like, if it's a dinner party or something intimate, obviously you don't want to come. But at this point I look forward to parties where I don't know anybody more than parties that I do. Is that true? Yeah.

Because there's more opportunity to meet new people. That's interesting. Is that a big part of your life? Do you want to try to meet as many people as possible now? I guess now that I'm in LA, a new city, I'd like to meet as many people as possible. And you're single, boss! Oh!

Oh! You're hitting me! Yo, my boy's lonely! No, I'm not lonely. No, it's lonely by design. I like to spend more time at home by myself reading a book, and that's sort of what I like to do. Would you go up to a random person and just talk? Not talk as much as I would run away or or like hyperventilate i was gonna say you're like me i wouldn't just jump up to a person i didn't know you mean at a party yeah yes you

you could you'd be great at that are you kidding me i could i would be too self-conscious i think if i didn't know somebody you are a very interesting combination of very good with words but also very socially anxious. Or I just won't, I just, I don't know what it is. If I'm with you, if I'm with one of you guys and we're at a party

and you're like, this is my friend blank. I could talk to anybody forever. I love human beings. I was an anthropology major. I love talking to people and learning about cultures and everything.

But it's like, if I was at a party, say the end. Going up to them out of nowhere without knowing anything. And especially a woman, if I was interested in a girl, the balls. Or a bar. Say the end. Or a bar, likeie M? Going up to them out of nowhere without knowing anything. And especially a woman, if I was interested in a girl. Or a bar.

Sadie M? Or a bar, like approaching a girl at a bar. I mean, that would be such a... That's why that sweet spot is like, hey, meet my friend. Because if you know someone, then I can be on, charming, great. But if it's like me alone with someone and I'm like, where do you live? What do you do? I'm like, hey, I'm awful.

That's hard. Well, that's like why you don't like taking girls on dates. You like inviting girls out to group events. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. Like if somebody's like, oh, you should meet my friend. Would you ever go out on a date with him or with him?

Obviously not. And the truth finally comes out, people. I didn't want it to be like this. A Freudian slip of all things. If I'm like, oh, my friend really likes you, send her a Facebook message. And then you do. And then would you say, oh, we should get a drink sometime, just me and you? Or would you invite her to a group thing?

I don't know. I guess it depends how hot she is. Okay, let's say she's... You're the worst. I forgot sometimes you're the worst. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome back.

The worst that somehow gets the best. Let's say she is hot. She's hot? Then what? Is she like a fucking smoke show or is she like. What is this? Is this the podcast? I want to know if she's hot or if she's like a mirror's hot.

What's a mirror hot? Give me a celebrity. It's me in a wig. A mirror hot. Janine Garofalo. It's like Bugs Bunny. Janine. A mirror thing is Janine Garofalo. And he doesn Bugs Bunny. Janine Garofalo.

And he doesn't know who Olivia Wilde is. No, I don't know. I mean, I'm fine going on dates. I would do that. You'd be like, hey, we should go out sometime and meet this one girl one-on-one for a meal or a drink? I think for me it's just so hard because I love my friends so much. So if I'm going to get a drink alone with someone, that's me like not being able to hang out with Jeff. Right.

So I need to like – for me to like a girl more than Jeff, I would marry her. So my ideal night is me, a girl, and Jeff Rosenberg. Oh, my God. But you've dated women. You wouldn't bring Jeff Rosenberg out everywhere? Ideally, But you've dated women and you wouldn't bring Jeff Rosenberg out everywhere? Ideally, if I had to,

yeah, I would probably never leave him ever. I love you, Jeff, if you're listening. At the beginning, it would be fantastic to meet somebody

in a setting where you're introduced or you're in a warm setting. If it's a bar, I would have a problem but if it's someone's house and there's not a million people there,

I have no problem talking to people. That's beautiful and great. And just the act of talking, I love have a problem. But if it's like someone's house and there's not a million people there, I have no problem talking to people. That's beautiful and great. And just the act of talking, I love doing. What about blind date? Would you do a blind date? I think, man, that would be tough, I think. But I will say once I meet somebody, if it works well, I have no problem with texting, chatting with them, and then going on dates with them by themselves.

Right. texting, chatting with them, and then going on dates with them by themselves. Well, I think comedians have an unfair advantage in terms of texting because all texting is trying to be clever and funny. That's interesting. And if it's our jobs to do that, it's like, oh, we're already ahead of the game if you're meeting someone who's not in the comedy world. Well, what about women that text you guys if they're not funny or if they don't get what the fuck is going on or if they write ha-ha- many times which i hate yeah like i remember if like a girl like off of nothing just writes

ha ha ha you know what i mean like she'll say something and say ha ha ha right afterwards it'll drive me nuts sometimes yeah um but so what so what happens with that are you very keen to if you're like oh and texting this person has no quote-unquote game or whatever yeah will you drop quickly or no i mean i can I get more interested if the girl can hang and be as funny as I am over text. Yeah, I think it's attractive. Yeah, definitely. I mean, texting is great.

Surely they must be a little bit nervous around you guys who deal with comedy and words all day. Depends on if they know. Some people don't know. I've never, you know, everybody I've ever like dated is always like, I'm intimidated by Amir but at some point they're all 15 year old

Jewish boys too which is weird at some point every girl that I've that I've ever talked to is like Amir doesn't like me really

I think Amir doesn't like me I could see that I could see people thinking you don't like them absolutely because I think people like no for real

I'm not even doing a bit I've spent a bunch of time with you absolutely I don't even like you. It's because you're like in social settings, you're a little more reserved. So people are like. And serious.

And your jokes, by the way, your bits are far more like you'll be like, well, I want to leave. Like you'll be that as opposed to like a jokey thing. And people will be like afterwards. Yeah. I remember probably hanging out with you. You're probably a little socially awkward also. Yeah. I mean, in group settings, I tend to shift to the background more.

And just talk to the people you're already friends with. Yeah. I think what it is is that I'm not overly talkative and polite. But I also got, when I was even in college and stuff, people thought I was an asshole. And back then, my diagnosis was I always say the funniest thing, and sometimes the funniest thing is to be mean, and sometimes it's just be something nice.

But if you catch me where the first two things that I think are funny are mean, then I'm a mean guy. But I don't actually mean it any more than I do the nice things. I'm just saying the funniest things that come to my head. Do you think you're nervous when you talk to people, so you try to make them laugh? So you go right to mean as opposed to trying or whatever? Yeah, I mean, I definitely always just go to funny,

try to be funny. Is that true always? Yeah. But a lot of, like, I think that mean, or if they, mean funny a lot of the time is just funny because it's like the opposite of what people are expecting. Yeah, what I do, if people actually know who I am from like the internet or videos that we've done,

I do the opposite. I try to act like as serious and as intellectual as possible so that people know that I'm not an insane person. Oh, right, to disprove what you are as a mirror. Right, exactly. Jake in the mirror. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do people come up to you mostly and think that you're a big idiot?

Yeah, probably. I mean, they've only seen me as a big idiot. Unless you listen to the podcast, then you know the quote-unquote real version of me. But from the videos, they just assume that I'm like that. You're kind of an idiot. Yeah, yeah. How different is your podcast version

or your real self to the Jakeake that you play there um jake the me on the podcast i think is like way different than me in the videos i'm almost boring sometimes because i all i do is straight you're such a straight man yeah and uh although when you get really pissed off you become a cartoon yeah yeah i get i mean i get goofy in the video sometimes and that's super fun but i think i'm i mean i'm better being a straight man in those videos anyway and i prefer very very good i think your dynamic you guys have is very special thank you i've said that for years how long have i been doing those shorts with you i mean 2008 the first ones we shot i oh wait fuck it was dating coach dating coach so long ago yeah do you remember how it started? Why you even did it? Did you ask me?

I think Sam Reich suggested it. Sarah Schneider introduced me to Sam Reich, who then put me in High Times editorial office. Oh, the first CollegeHumor things you did. And then that was the first thing I did. And then I did a bunch of those, where I did a bunch of shorts. But then how did I get in? One of you guys must have asked me.

I think Sam emailed us and was like, you should put Ben in a video. Oh, really? Yeah. And then we asked you and you were so enthusiastically into it. I bet I was. I think you guys must have asked me. I think Sam emailed us and was like, you should put Ben in a video. Oh, really? Yeah. And then we asked you and you were so enthusiastically into it. I bet I was. Yeah. I think you guys are hilarious. Even then.

Had you seen our videos before you did one? I must have. I must have. I watched all of them. It's not like this podcast where you just came on without doing any research at all. When you were in those videos, that was the first time I'd ever experienced any improvising. Is that true? In our videos, we did a little bit because we

didn't know our lines sometimes. I remember that those videos, we would do all these different entrances and you'd say something that was super funny. I was like, oh great, say that again. You'd come back and say something totally different, just as funny. When you slid in on a chair. Oh God, I remember that. I remember having so much fun.

Dude, it was great. It was blowing my mind. It was like, he's just doing different things. I remember seeing you guys, I don't know if it was the first time, I remember that. We had you just walking in. I remember having so much fun. Dude, it was great. And it was blowing my mind. It was like, he's just doing different things. I remember seeing you guys. I don't know if it was the first tour. I remember seeing you a little bit nervous when I was playing with you. Yeah. And it happened for the first couple and then never again.

But I remember. And I never, because it's yours. It's your thing. So I should be the one being nervous. But I remember Amir being nervous. Well, we're not. We have no, like, the people that we act with are all better actors than us because we have never done any improv or any acting before.

So, like, we would ask people. Well, you've done like 400. No, now we have, and we've only done stuff that we've written. But, like, when we had, like, you on early on, they're like, holy shit, this guy's a better actor than us. Any extra that we got that would audition was an actor that, like, that audition, and like, oh, that person's a better actor than us. Or any comedian was funnier than us.

I think you guys don't give yourself credit. I think it's because it's what you do so often that you downplay it. I think what you guys do is very difficult and very good, but you probably don't see it. Well, we're good at what we do because we've done it for so long,

but I wouldn't say we're, especially at the beginning, we weren't necessarily good. How deep was that? How far into Jake and Amir was that? That was probably the first year wasn't it no way 2000 yeah this by the second year so we had done like 100 of 600 videos that's crazy it's it is crazy i think that was the first time we were allowed to use john and

john carlo too right oh yeah were they always shooting no did they shoot that first one no who shot that first one i don't know we had a couple at the beginning that weren't those two guys and then slowly it became them. Wow. Is this not the forum to talk about this stuff? Should we talk about this? No, no, no. It's good.

It's interesting. My question is, oh, if there's anything about the process. At the beginning, it was a written script I think you gave me. Yeah. And then you said I can do whatever I want. But then slowly, our process, if anybody cares about it, is this something that anybody would care about? Yeah, they do. I think so.

This is the only podcast. No, I mean, but you know, like, are we supposed to answer and say personal stuff no we did we did that now we can take a little break because people have asked me that also and i'll get stopped still i've done a couple other things and people still stop me for jake and amir stuff all the time like i hung out with you and people were saying jake and amir shit always and stuff like that um but uh it began with scripts and stuff like that and then we started collaborating on scripts right i would come in the day before. And we would write.

And we would write them. And we would have a fucking blast. More fun writing it than shooting it. Yes. It would be so fun. And you were the only person we ever wrote with aside from us two. At the beginning. Do you still not do that or no?

No, that's true. I think we wrote one thing with some other people, but that was it. We wrote with Murph and Emily for our double date. Yeah, yeah. It's very interesting to watch. I fit in very well with you guys because I love the collaborativeness and I love the improv aspect of writing. But you guys writing together is very interesting in that one of them will say something

and quickly the other one, like an avalanche, is already on top of each other as if they were improvising the scene until they find something that works and then decide if it's funny or not. And then we go back and write it. And then it's like, wait, how did we get into that part?

And so when it became us, we wrote bullet points what we liked and then we start doing dialogue and then we got lazier and lazier and literally would write, you're gonna be a milkman.

And we'll just decide what my occupation is first. I mean, the suck dick thing where... That was all improvised? Yeah, that was not in the script. There was a couple that were no scripts. As we were shooting that video, as we were shooting part two, we were just like,

we don't know what... We wrote that on camera. There's uncut footage of that where we're just figuring out what happens in the video. And it's so fun and interesting. And I know you talked about it when you did a film before. Not to say the film was bad bad but it gives you so much freedom and joy that we had when it's

like oh you know what how about this and we do it and then we'll tweak it a little bit then we're like that would be hilarious do it again and now that I know it's coming I'm going to do this response you know what I mean but slowly like the scripts turned into outlines turned into occupation turned into maybe you'll do this maybe do that

but you're right, there's such a joy of figuring it out. Like, I think there's a deleted scene that I sent to you guys that I hadn't seen in years. I came across it. That was the couples therapy thing

where I'm singing a song. Yeah, stuck in the middle with you. We did it once and then Amir's like, do this. And then Jake goes, yeah,

and do this. And you can see the exact process of how it works. Yeah, it's really cool. But it's really, really interesting and cool for people who are into writing.

It's a very unique way of writing and then not writing at all. It's a very unique way of not writing. It's a secret. Just don't write anything. It did start with scripts. You guys write all your scripts, though, right? I remember the scripts

and then I remember when we were writing the Mountain Hiker, is that what it was called? Oh, yeah, sure. The Hiker series. How did we write that? We wrote that in in the hotel room

and we had like oh yeah it was a single page there was like it was a dash that said moo and then there's like a dash like we had no fucking clue

bullet points yeah I don't remember a shoot that we've ever done where we didn't all look at each other at one point and be like

is this a video and we always go is there a second half like yeah we'll always write the first half and then be like, is this a video? And we always go, is there a second half? We'll always write the first half and then be like, oh God, I mean,

how do we, there is no second half. And there was one sketch where there really wasn't a second half and I forced you guys. I said, you know what would be hilarious?

It was a nine second video of you just paying me. Which by the way, Jake cracking up 30 times at the most dry take. But I loved it so much because I was like, and Amir, you were so against it. And Jake, I think, had my back.

Really? Just give it to him. I loved it. Someone was not into it. Well, explain what it is. You were nervous. The first video is three minutes of Ben painting me naked. And then we didn't.

I have like a weird accent. And then he wanted the second video to be nine seconds of me going, I think there is a matter of my payment. And Ben going, oh, yeah, that's right. Counting like one. No, that's how the first one ends. Because it always ends on a cliffhanger.

So he's done. He's like, well, there's still the matter of my payment. Right, you think it's going to be this hefty second half that has all the action

of how you're going to get paid. And all it is is Ben counting, putting, super dryly putting six dollar bills into my palm

and walking away. And then going, that's it, that's it that's it and leave and that was a video that released on a Thursday that was like a Jake and Amir

I'm college humor and some people were so furious it was polarizing it was polarizing people were mad the previously on Jake and Amir

was longer than the video but that's the magic of the internet we can do whatever the fuck we want see that's that's one day when we're when we're That's one day When we're

When we're rich and famous Or dead We're gonna look back And be like Those were the days When we hustled When we like Fucking made a nine second video

Those were Those are great memories I remember making those back Yeah Before I had any TV shows Or anything like that Yeah And that was so much fucking fun

Yeah I mean you still wanna do them For some reason I've been doing them For fucking Right Little to no money For my whole life

Which is no money Yeah By the way For no money You still haven't gotten paid Supp, supposedly people get paid for them. I found out, am I allowed to talk about it? I don't know.

Sure, yeah, why not? Whatever you want. I found out after many, many episodes that people get paid to be in the video. That people get paid to do the show. And you're like, oh, I've done 24. Can I have back pay for this?

I literally was like, can I get anything? Can you pay for my car, like car to get back to my hotel? That made me laugh so hard when I found out people got paid for one episode and I'd done 24 of them. And I hadn't gotten paid at all. But I think someone paid me one time. Here's a question. We're already past the 40-minute mark, which is how long we kept this video.

Two-parter? Should we make it a two-parter? A good old-fashioned Ben Schwartz two-parter? Do we have enough time before dinner? Guys, we're meeting Streeter for dinner. Yeah, we have another 45 minutes to an hour. Let's do it. Let's end this one and go and get into a second one.

So today's Monday's episode, we'll call this part one. And then Thursday will be part two. The first opening theme song was by someone named Jack and Jill. And this last one is by someone named Kevin Adams. We'll be back on Thursday to answer more questions with Ben Schwartz. Bye, guys. Hey, hey, hey. If I were you, I'd take a sec, think about protected sex.

No one wants chlamydia, especially in your dog area. If I were you, I'd lay off coke, don't matter if you're short or smoke. You might think it's hashtag dope, but drugs are hashtag no. And if you think Gmail's are the bomb Then send your questions to