Segments - 520: Ex-Mas

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

In this episode we discuss re-gifting, de-gifting, and Amir's really interesting NY Times piece.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Jake's lack of awareness, loving parents, harmless fun. The week to week bashing, oh now it's time to run There it is again, that fucking turdy That fucking turdy There it is again, that fucking turdy That fucking turdy Hey, what can you say? Jake is overdue. It'll be his real soon. Just wait. Hey, what can you say? Jake is overdue. It'll be his real soon.

Just wait. Good? That was good. Nice. Nice. Good. That was good. Nice. Nice. That was good. They were right.

That was Victor and Max on guitar and wrote a couple of theme songs. That was just the first one, Bo Burnham's That Funny Feeling parody. The second one will be a dating app themed. We'll play it at the end of Vance Joy's Riptide. So stick around for that. Yes. I am a Vance Joy stan. Really? I didn't know Vance Joy sparked joy with you.

Yeah, he sparks Vance as well. Actually, you might go to a Vance Joy rave slash concert tonight. They didn't cancel it, Vance Joy. Yeah. I was a little worried because it's in two basements, you know, not the first basement, the basement prime, it's the sub-basement, more of a crawl space. Yeah. And how many people can actually fit in a crawl space that small? That's what I'm, yeah, because it's like, it's already not that big. And I think it's like, you know, it's standing room only. Oh, no. Max capacity, eight people, but with the band already, that's a lot. So I'm gonna try to get there early because we're gonna have to cram in. I think they sold hundreds of tickets.

Ventilation? Or how's that gonna work out because if it's a vance joy concert they're probably gonna be get pretty sweaty down there yeah sweaty and everybody knows all the lyrics to vance joy so you sing in each other's faces yeah yeah and to get in there's no like qr code for like the ticket app or the scanner you have to like oh put your ticket it's a paper ticket that you put on your tongue and then you french like an acid tab yeah yeah exactly and you french you french the bouncer um holy shit that sounds so dangerous right now um yeah but i feel like there's like so much omicron already that i feel like the actual peak just happened and we're actually kind of safe.

We're like on the decline now. And I'll be able to let you know tomorrow after I, I'm going to do, I'm going to do like a rapid, a rapid test because then I'm going to volunteer at a kindergarten first thing in the morning. So. Yeah. Actually, funny you should mention, I was interviewed by the new york times about a rapid test tweet that i yes i don't know if you caught that but it was kind of a big deal

was it an interview were you interviewed by the times were you quoted throughout that piece or do they kind of just give you an attaboy right up top that's a good question it was uh it was definitely the opening the lead as they say in journalism yeah and definitely and were they were did they like quote you throughout did they ever go back to you if if you if you would shut up for a second i'd like to oh read the lead basically yeah r-e-d-e the l-e-d-e this is how not quite the weekend edition not quite widely circulated like in the time by the way you get this delivered right so you can read this i get it delivered on the weekends i get it delivered i get the saturday saturday and sunday so i don't know if you made the cut there didn't yours come out on a like something like a wednesday all

anyone wants kind of a burner of a day writes gina and anna byline is a covid test that's a very good it's a very good headline actually for the times scrolling down and we see the lead and it is the lead and i am in the lead when amir blumenfeld yours truly was deciding what to buy for a secret Santa gift exchange, he landed on something practical, an at-home COVID testing kit. Quote, what better gift is there than peace of mind?

End quote. That's from the interview? Was there an interview? Sorry, were you done? No, I actually wasn't. Mr. Blumenfeld, comma, a 38-year-old comedian, comma, wrote in a 38-year-old comedian, comma, wrote in a direct message on Twitter. It didn't say a 38-year-old failed comedian?

38-year-old co-host of a podcast? That's right. And it said the interview itself was a series of questions asked to me on DM that I answered. So not really an interview. Not really an interview. It was the third degree. A thread.

It was the third degree, and I answered all the questions. Yes. And how many questions were there? Seven. Will you screenshot it? Screenshot, send it to me. Let's reenact your interview, because I want to see. We should get the...

Fans of this show should get the behind the scenes. Actually, the influx of listeners now who read about you in the Times loved your lead. We should say welcome. Yes, welcome to everybody who read the Times piece on me. Yeah, we have to do some kind of

pinned tweet style thing in this podcast for all just going forward this is amir's voice this is me this is amir um i'm with um a friend for now who's sort of a co-host style though i'm looking to interview bigger deals as a co-host because i'd hate to just keep this show going with a non-Times piece, because you don't have an op-ed in the Times, because you don't deserve an op-ed in the Times. I've been in the Times. I've been in the Times.

I read, I sent you the questions that were interviewed to me via DM on Twitter. Right, okay. So do you want me to go in order, like question one first, or do you want me to read this entire thing? Yeah, I mean, up to you. You can go can go one by one okay let's go one by one you say yeah you say your response okay this is yeah this is uh just so you guys know the new york times journalist who sort of reached out

to do the piece on me dm to me these questions yeah so this is in a frostNixon style sort of gotcha journalism, in a way, about me. For the new listeners that are coming our way from the Times, my name is Jake. This is Jake's voice. I'm kind of the anchor of the show. Not quite. Most of the reason why people tune in. I'm sort of a poet slash author. I actually get a lot of awards in podcasting.

I have a trophy room for all of my golden mics. So welcome to the new heads and a howdy to my day ones, who that's who I'm really performing for, but at the same time, you know, welcome. Okay. Seize the cheese. Sorry. All right.

One, I thought your tweet, quote, speaking of which is an at-home COVID test, a good secret Santa gift, was pretty funny. But I also thought there's a truth behind it. It's very funny. Don't editorialize. I'm asking the question. It's an op-ed.

All right. It's an op-ed. It's absolutely an opinion editorial. Were you this rude to the interviewer? I couldn't. At-home tests have become a valuable item. Can you share what prompted you to tweet that? That's funny. Thank you.

So the tweet and question was fired up. Sorry. Are you writing? are you sorry are you writing are you saying what you are you responding with what you actually wrote are you i'm just setting the stage a little bit okay yeah yeah i'm curious to know how the interview actually went with the times journalist i'm not curious to fucking yeah cosplay it again for your ego i'm just just setting the stage. The tweet heard around the world was fired off sort of haphazardly but ended up making ripples in the journal sphere.

I fired off kind of haphazardly on December 17th. You're giving a fucking oral history of it. I'm trying to fucking get what you said to the journalists that made it into the times that i mean you're talking about your fucking home gift

a good secret santa gift and that kind of inspired this piece of uh history all right okay everybody knew that yeah yeah uh can you share what prompted you to tweet that? And I said, this is funny, it is Secret Santa season, I wrote, and what better gift is there than peace of mind? I guess that answer was so great to even include in the lead that they were like, that's basically we got what we needed, but let's see if we can milk this there's six more questions and it sounds like they they got everything they needed from that first response of yours sorry did you say cash cow yes they were milking me and i said what better better gift is there than peace of mind and then so you guys see that quote actually continued they cut it off just for the sake of brevity which which is super important in the times. And I said, it's either that or a gift card for booze delivery.

Sort of like a wink and a nod to many people who will find like a gift card to like an alcohol to be like a cute little koi. I feel like all of this is just like stroking your ego. Don't like, just say what you've said. You're fucking explaining your jokes man all right explaining it yeah all right second question what have you noticed in terms of at home covid test availability in your area have your friends and family been stocking up or searching for them and that's a really good question thank you uh did you i what's that? Forget it, man. You're not fucking reenacting.

I just don't think this is an honest portrayal of how the interview went at all. I'm telling you what I did in your bag. It's already, this conversation has gone to your head and you're like reenacting it as the guy that is already in the Times instead of as the guy that was just answering the reporter's questions. A physical copy will you pick up a physical copy of this piece because i really think it would make for a good scrapbook demand i write for these tests are rising and supply is running out i sort of took i did like a bird's eye view macroeconomic um point of view of this whole situation. Right. And I said, if I were a evil corporate businessman, I would hoard these tests and sell them for a profit.

But since I'm a nice boy, I'll gift my friends free rapid COVID tests. Kind of like a cheeky, like, by the way. Did you actually write that? No wonder they barely fucking quoted you. Since I'm a nice boy. I wrote since i'm a nice boy i wrote because i'm a nice boy for the first answer which was what better gift is there than peace of mind which did make the lead that made the lead and they made sure to comment that you were a 38 year old not a nice boy 38 year old comedian and self-proclaimed nice boy amir blue next question are you planning to are you planning to tread lightly because i fear this is sort of bordering

on gotcha journalism now are you planning to gift at home covet test for the holidays have you received any as gifts that's a very good question do you say that's a good question over dm every single time i have not received any covetess's gift but would really appreciate them and there's no better way to start your day than a quick nasal swab i was sort of at this point trying to pepper the interview with what i would consider pretty good poll quotes or leads so like it would be like this is like an interesting thing to you know like when you read an article and they make one quote kind of large and the text small text and you're clearly you are clearly trying to do that arguably trying too hard where where where like

your answers became unusable because they're all just kind of like little little quotable sound bites yeah little little quote nuggets for your that you're trying to shoehorn in a way have you been stocking up on the testing kits yourself that's actually a really good question i have a few emergency emergency tests at home yes but like a true capitalist i wish i had bought more when the prices were low i'm sort of like trying to troll slash fish for compliments business ideas you say up top actually you said earlier if i were an evil corporation i would have hoarded them and driven the price up but i'm a nice boy so I'll give them as gifts. And then two questions later, you say, I wish I bought more so I could sell them.

This started off as a Secret Santa thing, and basically it turns into a confessional about how you wish that you were stockpiling. like i hope to god that this suit as soon as omicron fades away i'm gonna buy 10 000 of these test kits and hoard them in my garage but as it is right now it's too little too late yeah okay um so so you're you're sort of you don't have a consistent voice in this thing so i can understand why they didn't um why they didn't use you throughout because you kind of they used me as a lead they used you they used you for all they could use you for which was the lead because they realized they couldn't put you throughout the thing so they kind of just had to like throw it away i wonder if she even read the rest of your of the answers like because after you say i'm a

nice boy off yeah yeah i sort of go off king in a few of them is there anything else you'd like to add on this let me guess great question that is a very good question i just sort of kept it generic here i said i hope everybody can stay safe and home this holiday season remember only a few more decades and we can really defeat this thing kind of like a cheeky wink and a nod to the idea that we're now living in this new normal where the disease will never go away but rather evolve over time it's good that you're getting all these out because they were all read and denied omitted rejected frankly from the times they had they had what appear to be seven different blumenfeld quotes and that's think of it as rejection yeah as like a baseball team you can only use like a brett butler or a jerek jeter style guy once yeah usually you want to use the lead off

lead off batter um is amir blumenfeld right for your name if you're quoted in the piece and do we have permission to use your tweet in the story lol don't act like you're not gonna quote me in the piece yes honey i am the. This peace doesn't exist without my tweet. You're welcome for the lead. And it actually is a peace to resistance. Have at it. Use the tweet. Go hog wild.

In fact, I have a few other kind of cheeky nods to COVID that you can pepper throughout the piece. What's your age, location, and title slash occupation? Off the record, I'm 38. But no, I am a 29-year-old multi-hyphenate living out in Hollywood, California, making money for myself. In the hype house. I'm 38.

I'm a comedian in Los Angeles, and I work for HeadGum, a podcast network that I founded with two friends. Whoa, nice. They did not use that shout out. They didn't want to turn it into an editorial which I totally understand.

Anna was a sweetheart about it. Founded with two friends. Two friends. Two friends? Founded with two friends's not even dropping my name not even that attaboy there what could i possibly that's low i could have been in the lead i could have been in the way if you had made that cleaner you included comedian if you had said i'm 38 i live in los angeles and i run a podcast network, and I do Jake and Amir videos, how's that?

Because then my name is in the Times. And it's not just in the Times, it's actually the lead. And I would succeed if my name were in the lead. Does that ring true to you? Actually, Anna did follow up and say that there might be a place in the weekend edition for the swimmer's ear tweet that you've been sort of knocking around. Really? Yeah.

She was curious as to if you were going to actually fire that one off anytime soon. I could fire it off. Yeah. I might fire it off right now i'm dangerously close do you think ross from friends ever gets schwimmer's ear i don't see a world where they use it as a lead or its own thing because it wouldn't have to be the lead well because it's kind of like it's this was in style section. And frankly, I'm afraid you don't have that. I could be in the arts the weekend. Maybe, I mean, it wouldn't be wrong for them

to have just included it in the magazine because that's a little more permanent. That's something to put on the cover, you know? The tweet? Yeah. Or maybe they'll catch me sort of walking around Soho and put it in their autumn sartorial guide about what new trends are sort of happening.

Now that's fascinating. Like, oh, yeah, they do that in the art section. They do like an out and about in New York City, like weekend happenings. Yeah. in the art section they do like an out and about in new york city like weekend happenings yeah so it'd be like a photo of me um at balthazar housing a burger really cool and like and who are you in it's i'm i'm canoodling with um with christina ricci or a ricci type ricci type, a Selena Gomez type or a Gomez style

or an Ashton Kutcher, a Bobby Flay a Ray Fines even because that would be fine but I'm there it'd be really interesting if I was with Schwimmer

I think that's kind of like because that's the tweet that made me famous and they would say seen canoodling with david schwimmer at let's call it the standard actually let's call it the standard on the day canoodling with schwimmer at the standard herwitz who tweeted do do you think Ross from Friends ever gets Schwimmer's ear and rose to fame or rose to prominence or ascended the fucking upper echelon of society for this peek into our mind's eye as a culture um who penetrated coughing uncontrollably saying that the bloody mary he just chugged went down the wrong pipe when it's actually just a little bit too spicy for him he ended up throwing up on his on his other guest, Vance Joy. He had to go home and change his incredibly hemmed shorts. A one-inch inseam, his dick and balls sort of hanging off of it.

Obviously can't fit into the small, modified, Japan-style short that he's wearing. Unsuccessfully tried to hail a cab for four minutes. These poor Zeng fuck it, I can hoof it to Brooklyn. He instantly got clipped by an Uber in a Toyota Corolla S. The guy said, sorry about that, boss, and Jake didn't even have the fucking confidence to yell at him. Don't worry about it, his voice cracked as another bicyclist ran over his foot. Eventually he tried to hop on a city bike,

but he couldn't unlock it, so he just sat in a stationary dock and took a nap he said hey check this out i'm in a peloton commercial to nobody in particular herwitz 58 years young alone and scared unable to amend for anything that's gone wrong in his life up until now but yeah i guess the schwimmer's ear tweet was pretty good could be a lead uh all right let's take a break and um we'll do a much deeper dive into the peace because i feel like we left some meat on the bone yeah i really think we left some meat on the bone for sure for sure and maybe there's a question we can answer too after these messages Oh, by the way, this is If I Were You

The only advice podcast on the web hosted by us I'm Amir I am Jake Welcome to these massages Yes, welcome and hold on one second Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show Hey-o! DraftKings The NFL is back

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That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lot of money. Price and participation may vary. For a limited time only. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than I think. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yes.

Yes, I do. Punch Up the Jam is back with brand new hosts. Demi and Miel, the previous hosts, and then just Miel handed over the reins to the Gregory brothers from Auto-Tune, the news musicians, comedians, great guys. The first episode just dropped and they got Weird Al on it. So, wow. Punching up a song, like it doesn't get better than that, I don't think. Yeah, talk about coming back with a bang. So if you ever listened to Punch Up the Jam back in the day, or maybe if you didn't and you want to start listening to this newer version

with a new host, the Gregory Brothers, yeah, there's no better time to start now because they're back and Weird Al is on their first episode back. And I'm going to be on an episode soon. I am going to be on an episode as well. What song did you do? I did Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys. Oh, cool. I don't even think I know that one.

I think, in fact, I know you do. All right, cool. I mean, yeah, I guess if it's the Beastie Boys, I've probably heard it. I think you're obsessed with it, actually. No. What song did you do um i did um flavor of the week by american hi-fi oh that's good her boyfriend she don't know yeah anything about her what's wrong with that song that you said we should punch up i can't imagine it's i mean i love the song i

think it's just a funny genre of punk songs there's a lot of them um and i wanted to make fun of the idea that a lot of punk songs are about like a girl with a hot boyfriend that this like the punk guy is singing doesn't care about her but it's like what are who are you man it's like it's just really funny to be like i'm a hot girl and i'm going out with the quarterback and the like the emo guy that is like he doesn't care about you i like you it's like i don't know fine yeah maybe don't try to break them up maybe she's actually with someone who's better than you. Guy from American Hi-Fi. Right.

There's a chance that it's all, you know, that it's fine. Yeah. I guess you have to appeal to the people listening to your songs. So like 16-year-old Jay could be like, yes. I did. I also have a crush on a girl who's dating a hot high school football player. And she don't know anything about her. He's two-stoned Nintendo.

Yeah. And then it's funny because I think when I turned like 16 or 17, I got a girlfriend and I was a complete ass. So it's not like. You were the high school. A musician stole her away from you. So it's like, wait, actually, now I don't like this song anymore.

This guy doesn't like you. You know who's good for you? It's me. It's me. Everybody's Tom DeLonge to you. I like you. Hell yeah. There's something in the bathroom. Actually, we got a question from somebody who was in a relationship of one and a half years and just broke up mutually do you know the name of anybody in american hi-fi is that the name of the band um i thought these guys were going to be like

one hit wonders um but this guy stacy jones like they all went to the Berklee Academy of Music, and now he's a songwriter and producer, and he's the director for Miley Cyrus. So he's just probably rich beyond your imagination, because he basically churns out pop songs for insanely famous pop stars. That's cool. And he's the guy from stacy's mom right it's this guy no stacy i think the stacy's mom guy actually died uh all right we'll call this guy would you say stacy jones stacy jones yeah stacy jones writes i found myself in a sticky situation a month and a ago, my girlfriend and I of one and a half years broke up.

It was mutual, and we both agreed that it was just not working out anymore, and we're still on good terms, which was important to me as we have a lot of mutual friends. During the relationship, I became friends with two other girls that my girlfriend didn't like. She got very jealous whenever I hung out with them, and as a result, I pretty much stopped talking to them for the majority of my relationship. However, now that I'm single, I thought it would be nice to hang out with them, and as a result, I pretty much stopped talking to them for the majority of my relationship. However, now that I'm single, I thought it would be nice to hang out with them again. For the past couple weeks, I've been hanging out with them a decent amount, and now I'm starting to catch feelings for one of them. I've never felt so guilty about catching feelings

as I never had them before, and I always saw them as a friend when I was in the relationship. I even had to defend them to my girlfriend multiple times, ensuring that we were just friends. I was never unfaithful to my girlfriend and I never saw either one of them as anything more than friends until just now. Should I feel guilty if I pursue this? I do genuinely have a crush

on one of these girls, but I can't stop thinking about how upset it would make my previous girlfriend. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. She, it will make her upset. It will make her upset it will make her upset but do you think this guy really didn't have a crush on them until recently or he's just trying to lie to

himself to justify how he told his girlfriend they're just my friends and then as soon as they broke up then i became infatuated with one romantically. And now I want to date her. But I didn't, I wasn't emotionally unavailable to you. It just happened after we broke up. I believe him. I believe him. I think he probably, he must have like felt something and maybe pushed it really far down. You know, just like completely closed that off.

But I do think that the feelings, they probably were there. There's probably an inkling. But as long as you didn't act on them, and it sounds like you really did, you're best to shut it down. So that's fair. Yeah.

I mean, to me, breaking up is hard, obviously. But the best thing about it is that you can finally act on the crushes you had while you were in a relationship. Otherwise, what's the point of going through a difficult breakup you have to just sort of take advantage of all the good stuff and right the bad stuff is your lady might also you know act on her feelings that she had um when she was in a relationship with you yeah so two heroes that's what happens yeah the nice thing you know it's like it's when you're with somebody you're like i don't want to

hurt your feelings because um you i love you we're in a relationship but when you're not in a relationship the feelings while still important they're a little less your responsibility yeah you are there are no rules you're good You don't want to also like, yeah. The hard part is like, if the old lady, it's like a small college or a high school or something, and she sees you two together, that's the situation you're probably wanting to avoid. Totally.

But I think like, it's the pure heart rule. You know that you didn't do anything untoward during the relationship you know that you genuinely have a crush like you're not i think the bad version of this is like i broke up with my ex she hurt my feelings fuck that i'm gonna fuck her friends i'm gonna fuck people that she used to be jealous of so i can hurt her and then you're doing bad stuff to the friends because you're just trying to like hook up with somebody that you don't actually care about to prove a point. You're using them and you're also trying to hurt somebody.

So you're fully bad. This guy, faithful to the girlfriend, didn't have a crush on the friend. They broke up. They had an amicable breakup. And now he actually just has an earnest crush on someone else i think you're allowed to pursue it and know that it might hurt her feelings but i think ultimately hurt feelings go with the it's part for the course in a breakup you're gonna have her feelings and maybe you can you know you can sleep well at

night knowing she might be doing the same thing to you too so it's even it's not a one-way street and you said at least she's allowed to yeah it's a it's like you said a mutual breakup things get a little dicier if it's a one-way breakup how long do you wait what do you do there's all these little silent rules around that but yeah again once you're broken up, all bets are off, I think. Yeah, they are. It doesn't feel good to hurt someone's feelings. But at the same time, you're not. The rules are gone.

You know, the rule is you're not allowed to hurt. You can't hurt the feelings of your significant other. You can't do that. But you can hurt the feelings of a stranger. That's what't do that. But you can hurt the feelings of a stranger. That's what the person becomes. She's an absolute stranger to you now. You are persona non gratis. She doesn't know your name.

She doesn't know your status. Is that not what Gatye is about? Gatye? Yeah. Now you're just somebody that I used to know. That's really good. Somebody you went to... I'm telling you, Hebrew school with Gautier. Is that fair to say?

Yes. Basically, I spent all of seventh and eighth grade doing sort of Haftorah lessons with Gautier and a few other of my young Jewish adult friends. And we did USy together and jesse rami yes and we should have them on the show we should have them all on the podcast to discuss i i want to say that i don't know if we have on the podcast right well i think this was about like gati i used to like make out with jesse's ex-girlfriend oh interesting jesse's girl was about him and he wrote a song yeah i'd love to have jesse on the. That would be great. Jessica Standorf or something was her name. And now I think she's married to a few kids. Yeah, that's why it didn't work out.

But yeah. Yeah, we need all these people on the pod. All right, let's take another break. Answer some more questions on the other side of these massages. Oh, yeah. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest

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Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. This one is, we're not going to get to it in time, unfortunately. We're recording this before Christmas, but it comes out two days after. And the subject line is, I hope you see this before Christmas. Apologies. We just broke up.

So what should I do with the presents? Wow. Okay. So we're going to have to get a follow-up pop. It's a lady. It's a lady. We'll call her, well, it's Santa Claus's Mrs. Claus, right? Mrs. Claus, yeah.

She doesn't have a, does she have a first name? Is Santa his first name? I think it's Santa Claus, St. Nicholas. I'm not entirely... Who would... It has to be Santa is his first name and Claus is his last, right? Because it's Mrs. Claus, not Mrs. Santa Claus.

I can't believe she took his name. Oh, no, his name is Kris Kringle. Kris Kringle. So why is she Mrs. Santa Claus. I can't believe she took his name. Oh, no, his name is Chris Kringle. Chris Kringle. So why is she Mrs. Claus? Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas, St. Nicholas, St. Nick, Chris Kringle, or simply Santa. Okay, what is Santa's wife's name?

Let's see if that... Yeah, just Mrs. Claus. According to some North American sources, his original name was Chris Kringle before he changed his name to. Claus. According to some North American sources, his original name was Chris Kringle before he changed his name to Santa Claus. Chris Kringle was a toy maker who married Jessica. Oh my God. Other names found for Mrs. Claus

are Merry Christmas, Gertrude, and Carol. You don't think it's the same Jessica as that Gautier stole from Jesse, do you? Standorf? I don't think so. Because, well, you said she had children, and I'm wondering if the Clauses have children or... I think it's the elves.

Elves. They just have employees. Yeah. They adopted 4,000 fucking, I assume Norwegian small people named elves. That's what they are. Yeah. They're kids, I think.

So this, I guess, yeah. So her name could be Jess Kringle. Okay. Jess Kringle writes, I'm a 24-year-old girl and I've been seeing my boyfriend for six months. Last night we decided to end things but are in pretty good terms after a fight. We both were in love with each other and things were great until the end. Really sad, but we decided it's for the best. Now here's my dilemma.

We're about a week out from Christmas and I have a few gifts for him that I've already wrapped. Nothing big, just a few small things like playing cards he wanted, some soap, small art pieces from a farmer's market we went to. My question is, what should I do with them? I don't want these gifts anymore. On one hand, if I give it to them, he could perceive it as me trying to make amends and get back together, which I'm not trying to do. On the other hand, if I don't give him the gifts, I could be perceived as being petty and mean, which he's already given me his gifts early, and they were very nice things. He's already given her the gifts. Now that I'm thinking about it, I just got these gifts a

couple weeks ago. Should I try returning the gifts to him? They were nice pieces of jewelry that I really like, but we're not together anymore. Does that mean I can't wear them? Help. Hope you guys see this before Christmas. Love, Jessica. Oh, interesting. So he gave her gifts.

It's jewelry. Yeah. And she's wondering if she should even give the gifts that she got him while also contemplating if she should return the gifts and get the cash. No, return the gifts, return the gifts to him. So things sounded like a goddamn Ponzi scheme.

What? She wants to borrow money from us to fucking afford the bus ride to return the gifts to get the cash, but she's good for it. There's no way i'll give her my bank account information but she shouldn't have carte blanche access to my savings she wants to know she should return these early christmas gifts back to the dude and then furthermore should she give the gifts that she got for the dude to the dude

um or do you just say we're broken up? No gift is going back. No gift is going out. We're just freezing the assets, as it were. Everyone go their separate ways. Yeah. She didn't say, did you say what kind of breakup it was? Was it like mutual? She said it was mutual after a fight.

So friendly-ish. Yeah. I think in that case, it depends what you want. Because I feel like saying, I'm going to give you this jewelry back. You should return it. Get your money. That's more like, door is closed on this relationship. Yeah.

And I'm going to give you, hey, I got you something to do let's just have a gift exchange is you guys are gonna fuck and get back together so i think one is door open one is door closed which one do you feel more like uh you know are you are you having second thoughts about the breakup do you want to see where things go or do you feel like damn i'm glad we broke up that was a bad relationship happy to be out of it um in that case give the stuff back yeah but giving the stuff back seems kind of like unnecessarily antagonistic like you're out of my life take all the gifts that you've given me back and also you don't get any of the gifts that i've wrapped including this deck of playing cards that i know you want well she wouldn of the gifts that i've wrapped including this deck of playing cards that i know you want well she wouldn't even mention that she just says like so she throws

those you gave me right you get yes or she returns them you know you gave me christmas gifts early then we broke up you should return them i don't want you to spend money on me yeah if it's nice pieces of jewelry like that might be a couple hundred bucks back which goes a long way it's an eighty thousand dollar diamond piece it's a really nice piece it's actually it's in a display box you can't even wear it it's a it's a 40-carat diamond rock that he bought from an auction house, a Christie-style auction house. You could actually stunt with just the fucking display box. Really? That is a diamond-encrusted display box that if you put that on a band and wear that as a bracelet, even the display box will let you flex on your haters really to be honest that's kind of

cool you could stunt on them well what about what would you do the old the classic if i were you somebody gave you gifts right you got them gifts they break up what are you doing okay so I'll call this a somebody gets me a $200 watch, and I've bought them a bracelet, and then we break up, and it's actually a pretty nasty fight. She says some things that she can't take back. Including things about my teeth. Oh, now I know how you hated them. Oh, yes, yes, yes. That was the God's honest truth. You didn't like my gum line.

Very good. Very nice. Very honest. Very direct. Wish I knew that beforehand. Nothing I could do to change it. So it goes. Let's not say anything we don't mean, but hell, even worse than that, let's not say anything we truly mean but wish we could hide.

You know what I mean? I don't want to know what you really think. That's hurtful shit. So I have a bracelet that every time I look at it reminds me of how someone I love said I had fucked up teeth that they couldn't stand. I don't want that. I don't want that in my house.

I don't want that in my life. I think I say, well, I think, oh man, what would I do? I'm pretty conflict averse, so I wouldn't want to initiate any kind of like, if the breakup is over, if the breakup is done, I would probably let everything just stay. I would keep the stuff and maybe try to give it away, maybe try to gift it, or maybe hang on to it to give back someday

when things have cooled down and everybody's moved on. And I'd return and not give the gifts. But I think the right thing to do is to find a way to, no hard feelings, give back the jewelry because the guy can return them and it's good to get your cash final answer if you're conflict averse then you should return the conflict diamond that he gave you that's right i have reason to believe that what you're holding on to is none other than a a blood diamond from the classic 2007 Leonardo DiCaprio movie,

The Revenant, in which it is a tainted, tainted piece. There's blood on your hands and there's blood on your conscious. What I would do is just not reach out because I would like, I treat an ex, and actually it's funny because this is about x miss and it's about an x so it's like an ex hyphen mas if you know what i mean and that's the title of this episode and that's what gets me potentially though i don't want to fucking hammer it home but you know ultimately I don't know if it's up to you or to me or whatever, but I think I did pretty good this episode

and tis the season and all that stuff. So, yeah. You're getting a little grubby because you already got the lead. You got the New York Times lead. Let's not overreach, don't you think? Yes. And yeah, I didn't even want to bring it up,

but I thought that was pretty good. So I was afraid that you weren't listening or something, but yeah. It is Christmas after all. Let's give me the golden mic and you the turdy. Happy holidays, everybody. Merry Christmas. Happy Christmas.

Stay safe. Happy New Year. Hope you have a good one. And, you know, keep on trucking and keep on keeping on. Bless up. And, yeah. Be kind to each other. Thanks.

Be kind to each other. Thanks. Yeah. Do you think you've been kind to me i'm finished thanks uh thanks jake out it's kind of cool nice yeah i why don't you cut because we'll cut the episode cut the episode okay all right full maybe splice in because splice i'm just saying um because i said like peace or i said thanks then i said jake out and then i think i accidentally like kind of was like oh that's pretty cool and i don't want to i don't want to like i'm leaving all this in i'm not you don't give me any editing notes ever Ever. Yeah. In fact, I'm going to make it a longer pause now. I'm going to make it sound like you were struggling to think slash breathe.

I'm going to add in you going. Gasping for air at the thought of finishing the episode like that. That's what I'm going to add. You get the fucking trophy. I get the final cut. I'm gonna make you look like a butt. You're fucking petty. Fucking petty, man.

I would not reach out to an ex. I would let the bygones be bygones. If you want to give them the gifts down the road as a means of like, hey, no hard feelings in a few months go for it but i wouldn't do it now while tensions are high and the wound is festering emotions are open out on the table everybody's too vulnerable let let there be silence between the two of you to let the wound heal first and foremost yes that's what I would do. I like that. Time heals the wound.

The return policy is probably 30 days. So you're going to be okay. Yeah. You still got a few weeks at the very least. And then in five years. And let us know what you do. Give them a playing card. Yeah, yeah.

Do let us know because we were too late again. This episode is coming out, I think, on the 26th or 27th of December. Oops. Oops. Oops. I'm sorry. Okay. Or bad. All right.

That's it. That's our time. Thank you for listening. Thank you for writing in questions, theme songs, all of it to ifireashow at gmail.com. Shout out to the New York Times again for covering me. Oh, my God. Appreciate the magnifying glass on something that i considered pretty

important and um i guess the times did too we have that in common jake subscribes to the times and i'm fucking in them that's the difference uh we are still making videos on the patreon oh uh yeah patreon.com slash jay i think we put up a jake in a mirror episode so there's one that you can watch uh what else i haven't got you already you fucking yeah you fucking steamrolled me you like you shouted yourself out so hard at the end your plug was that you're in the times and i get it like i don't think that's being kind to each other thanks i don't think i don't think it's being kind to each other thanks i don't think it's being kind to each other at all. Opening theme song was written by the same duo

as this closing theme song, the Vance Joy Riptide parody. This is Max and Victor. P.S. Bring back testing testing. Wow, shout out to our bonus Thursday testing episodes. And then P.S. We're rooting for you to get that golden Mike Shmuel. I wonder if...

Too late for this episode. Too late for this episode. The New York Times thing, that was tacky. It was self-aggrandizing. Self-aggrandizing. You've given yourself a fucking fake trophy for seven years in a row so you don't get to use that word in vain you want to speak ill of it yeah yeah thank god you didn't get it because you obviously don't give a shit thank god it's not yours this episode

we have no fucking respect for it thanks i think this is the last episode of 2021 what a fucking epic year i think 2022 is going last episode of 2021. What a fucking epic year. I think 2022 is going to be even more savage, probably. Yeah, shaping up to be a real banger. It's going to be, yeah, this is a... This will be our year. Took a long time to come. Time to come.

Yeah. Yeah. Love that. All right. Happy New Year, guys. Happy holidays. See you next decade. Yeah. Yeah. Love that. Alright. Happy New Year, guys. Happy Holidays. See ya next decade. Bye. Peace.

One, two, ready, and... I was scared of Hinge and Tinder. I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations. Oh, all my friends are virgins. They don't know anything about dating Ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh So I signed right up Lady, going down the rhyme Making my way through the start screen I wanna be your right hand swipe I love you even though I never met you And I got a lump in my throat Cause I just lost a beer, mom

Fuck! There's this podcast that I think you'll like This guy decides to leave LA And heads to New York City Thisork city this chip monster by himself he's watching jake on snl hell yeah that was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen.

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