Segments - 521: New Year

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

In this episode we discuss kissing, climbing, and ringing in the new year.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If I were you, the podcast show would ease to Jews That's Jake and Amish These cool dudes got a truth to preach And Jesus sees us at my stress and ease And maybe Jake's got a couple STDs So check me, please, protect these Ds Perfecting these, so please get the treatment Not to pick my steez

And while you're down there, could you give it a squeeze? Cut off my dick and I will pick a Starbucks To sit and blow my fucking brains out. My meat is thick and I use it quick to make some more time to listen to the show now. Yes, dude, but I digress, dude. Jay and Nate can watch me undress, dude. Jake's a pinch, he don't flinch an inch. So raise your fucking crab claws, he make it look like a cinch. Amir's got a beard, he's a fucking chip punk. He can swallow bees nuts, probably sleeps in a tree bunk. Together so much better than they ever were separate. Never let up whatsoever, yeah, the pleasure they Unless they play this at the end.

Huh. Wow. We would never relegate that to an outro theme song. Don't shit on the outros that's not fair to the people that you play you play the outros with you know i was actually thinking that we might want to start doing intro and outros the same song because the outro doesn't really get a lot of respect and we just sort of play and people will stop listening to it yeah because it happens after all of our plugs the sign off yeah nobody is is waiting for that intro right like i think you're right i think we should

do that that's a better move and i i guess it won't be a problem until more and more people sent us theme songs like for a while we were getting like five a week and then we would choose two and then like the backlog would grow and grow. Now we're getting one or two a week. Yeah. Right. So that's so it's actually a great time for an artist to submit a theme song now because not only are there less, there's less competition, you're likely to get chosen. But we're also implementing a new a new like thing that's going allow your song to be played twice which is also

really nice because we also plug whatever the person who's like you know song we're playing at the end we like their thing yeah that's like a it's a throwaway plug no one gives a shit yeah it's like the uh the ads that go after podcasts are you pay less for those the post rolls as they say the post roll you really want the pre-roll. You really want the mid-roll. And Keegan Mew from Australia deserves them both. Yeah. We're giving him the sandwich.

That's what's up. He sampled. Sponsored in the beginning and the end. He sampled an old Aussie show called Soup Opera. I guess it was a show based on soup and soap operas right uh cool uh they it played for a few minutes in between shows on tv not sure if you had that over there of course we did not keegan man i wish we like i wish we were trying to make tv shows in australia it seems like it's easier because they just like will let you play

a TV show during the commercials over there. Yeah. They say it plays in between other shows. Yeah, exactly. That's the commercial. I remember in Israel growing up, I used to love watching TV there because they didn't have commercials in their TV shows. What? And as like an eight-year-old, it blew my mind. I'm like, I'm watching Full House. And yes, all the episodes are a year late because they had to like pay for the rights and syndicate whatever. But they played them without commercials. So it was like 24 straight minutes.

And then they had six minutes of ads. And then the next show would start and they would cut out the commercials. That sounds lovely. I guess monetizing every square inch of programming is a purely american thing and other countries don't necessarily need it to be that way yeah i mean look at the sports frankly like football i feel like they they implemented the the replay and the challenge like partially for the game but really for the advertisers don't you think yeah it's like whoa that was they just like baked in like nine more breaks somehow now they're starting to show

commercials during free throws so it's like lebron's at the free throw on like they go to a picture and picture and it's a jack-in-the-box ad during his free throws is it a small picture like is the jack-in-the-box smaller or bigger than the basketball uh it's equal size it looks like this zoom like the tv sort of shrinks to the size of half of a tv and on the other half is a jack-in-the-box that's fucking lame i love that what about like adding branded content to old episodes like so like don draper puts on a fedora and it says like pepsi on it or some shit that's interesting um i don't mind monetizing shit like that i actually so you're saying off to the idea of making cash from how is that even your cash to me what's that the fact how would you make money

off of don draper wearing a pepsi hat We would add it to our Patreon. You're talking about like... What? We would fucking put it on our... It doesn't matter. We're watching old videos on our Patreon, right? So I'll wear a fucking visor that says H&R Block. Okay. How are you going to get the money?

How are you going to get that cash? Are you going to tell H&R block that we have a very small patreon where we re-watch a web series from the late 2000 like 10 2009 era yeah and you're going to put an h&r block visor on your character which is in a small picture in picture-picture window. Yeah. Yes, exactly. How much money do you think they'll give you for that? Even if it's a couple grand, that adds up. Wouldn't be. You'd be laughed out of the boardroom for that, bud.

You'd think I'd make it to the fucking boardroom? They would put you in with a low-level junior exec, somebody that needs to cut their teeth out there in the wild. But yeah, no decision makers. Nobody with buying power is going to be in that meeting. And it'd actually be a Zoom room, if we're being completely frank. It'd probably be a Cisco WebEx meeting. Really?

To be candid. Damn. Yeah. I don't actually want to do that then. I sort of swore off all of the Microsoft slash Cisco webinar products. You would be on a Skype call with a junior executive's assistant from H&R Block's sister agency who is in charge of their digital content buy but actually can't make any spending decisions without going to their skip level boss do you think you have to run it up your time you know they have to run it up the chain they can't make a decision in the room suzy let alone the zoom if you get on the phone with your boss this

deal goes away i'm offering you prime real estate in the show of my head anyway this guy uh keegan mew the aussie uh he has a soundcloud and it's yogi boy y-o-g-i-b-o-i cool nice yogi boy yeah yogi boy um come to melbourne when it's safe he says oh yes please i would fucking love that um should be nice in melbourne right now it's getting into their summer months right i believe it is yeah the opposite of us so just about it must i love watching my friends on in australia go through their summer it's fun you have friends in australia yeah of course you do too who basil josh and steve oh yeah that's cool two of them blocked me on uh is he on insta but i can still see basil's stuff

what about shrimpy shrimpypy? Shrimpy blocked me. Shrimpy blocked me. Yep, yep, yep. I would DM him a shit ton of like left of center, even right of center sometimes, alt right memes, and he would sort of had enough of it. He stopped responding, and I realized it said that like, that when I would go to his page, it it says like you can't view this content basically like

this user but i still can see him yeah like i mean i dm with shrimpy sometimes so that means that he blocked you for sure um did you say you were sending him leftist center alt-right news well it started i got like basically over the pandemic i've been radicalized so it started with like some like a little bit like liberal sort of like not propaganda, but like infographics that sort of like basically the rich should pay more in taxes than the poor, even though, you know, they make more money, they should pay even a bigger percentage. Yeah. And then slowly but surely I've been like watching YouTube videos to the point where

I think like if you do, like when I do become a billionaire, I should be able to live off of that in a way that's like, I beat this game of life, so why should I be paying any taxes at all? I basically figured it out. Taxes are for poor people to fund the little systems that they they have the games that they have going on you're like an alt-right like i shouldn't have to pay taxes if i'm a billionaire person but you don't have any cash why do you want to protect musk and bezos and the like because to me i will be that and if i don't do that then i'm like considered a failure anyway so like they so i'm i treat them as gods almost to the point where like because you're you feel like they're your peers even though they're kind of using you not using me not using as it were i'm a i'm a willing gospel yeah yeah i'm a willing soldier actually a lot of these videos are actually fucking low-key funded by them

to get us to like be complacent about the fact that they shouldn't necessarily pay that much because i will also be them and so will all of us you're kind of self-aware you shouldn't be this dumb you're like you're intelligent enough to see the gimmick see the game see the con but but dumb enough to feel like you're you're benefiting from it somehow right yeah it's kind of like this it's unique to see the way your brain doesn't work it's a it's an odd gray area or gray area for sure i knew you're gonna say gray area we have knew you were gonna say gray area iia. We have to. I knew you were going to say agraria. It hurt my ears even before you said it. You said agraria, and I was like, here it comes.

Don't do it. I tensed, and you were like, agraria. An agrarian. I am a modern-day agrarian. Nice. All right, if you're listening to this, it means we made it. 2022. Wow. Epic. All right. If you're listening to this, it means we made it. 2022. Wow.

Epic. Holy cow. I thought we'd have flying cards by now, but I guess we'll take what we can get. I guess Teslas are pretty cool. I mean, self-driving, that's sort of like a step in the right direction. That is pretty cool. And there's rapid tests for the virus that we have. You couldn't have predicted that we'd be moving at light speed to test for, you know, the deadly virus that's taken over the world. That's kind of interesting.

Those are miracles of modern science, the fact that we can rapidly test for the virus. Not always that accurate, you know, but that's fine. Because you'll take one one a day if you can find it but they're sold out obviously they haven't made enough but that's just because we're still so early we're still so early in this i think there's it's they're actually maybe they have made enough and they're just enjoying the price gouging i think that's another i forget who i was talking to but somebody said that like they tried to pay for a rapid test somewhere in another country and the person was like offended.

They're like, these are free. I'm like, oh. You see where we come from, people are stockpiling them and selling them for a thousand dollars. It's funny. Like it's a dystopian movie where that's how an American gets outed as living in Canada. it's like all right how much do i owe you for this test and then the guy like um oh it's actually calling a

silent alarm underneath his table yeah it's uh where are you from every canadian citizen of course backing out of the convenience store, getting tackle-tased and killed instantly. Both draw a shotgun on each other. What's your favorite... You should do a goat show episode about your favorite rapid test. Are you a Binance guy?

Are you an Abbott guy? Or like the goat variant. Am I a fan of the super contagious ones that are a little more mild? Or do I like a rare one that's tough to get but is dangerous? You all want to gamble. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer Delta. God. Wait, I was going to say something about, oh, yeah.

We should write a dystopian future movie oh really when would it take place 2023 just nine months from when we're writing it that's how close we are have you been watching uh station 11 no but i do hear a lot about it and people are loving it and i will watch it but but I haven't yet. Is it all out yet? I think you'll, I don't know. I think there's like three or four episodes or something.

I've been watching it. I, I, I like it, but you don't love it. It's, it's tough to like anything as much as like, I think it's really eerie,

beautiful. It's like kind of interesting. Um, but it's just like, sometimes it tries to be funny and it's just not and succession is the funniest show of all time yeah so it's really tough stuff tough series yeah when a serious show tries to be funny in its own way i'm like you're not doing it's like you you had an amazing relationship and it ended for some reason and you're on a first date they make

a joke you're like you know you're not greg you're not cousin greg i don't know what to tell you that was funny but it wasn't tom's wams gams level yeah so you might as well not even try wait wasn't roman so it's a show about a deadly plague but it was written as a book before covid i wasn't i didn't know that it was written as a book before covid yeah that's what my buddy told me he was like interesting it was written and they started to shoot it before covid so like whoa yeah i'm almost like they should put that in the disclaimer of the show like just so you know we're not like commenting on covid that's crazy it like to me that it fully read as like this is like based on covid right that's crazy yeah that's wild maybe they've adjusted some things to be covid related yeah they had to have but there's they had there's too many similarities yeah i think it was written

based on swine flu if you remember that you we did an episode based on swine flu yeah we did in a way we were ahead of our times and in other ways we weren't because i wasn't wearing a fucking fanny pack that said exxon mobile in the episode so that i can monetize it in the future that's what we're talking about uh all right this is if i were you the only ep only pod on the web hosted by us i'm amir i am jake um and we got some questions from the past these are questions all the way from 2021 if you remember that year okay here's a question about uh taking back my ex's kids christmas gifts hmm all all right yeah right so this is a 28 year old man in New York wondering if it's chill to take back my ex's kids Christmas gifts the subject says it all I was dating my now ex-girlfriend for three years what should we call this new yorker um what about dustin hoffman the classic

new yorker i'm walking here that's good yeah uh and he was also helping her raise her two sons he saw them as his own love them unconditionally yada yada the regular stepdad thing but here's the dilemma they had a great christmas and she told me two days after Christmas that she cheated on me in October. Like, she went away from a girl's trip to Vegas, watched. I watched the boys and took care of the house. And it turns out she wasn't blowing off steam. She was blowing off another dude. Hell yeah.

So naturally, I left her when she told me. And I can't, because I can't look at her without picturing someone, without picturing her slapping some other guy's baloney good i told her to stay in the house with the kids and i'll figure shit out whatever um all right i love how casual he is for his entire life imploding uh he talked about getting the kids uh gifts a new purse for her uh electric quads for the kids, and a really sick gaming PC for the oldest. And then he says, Boys, I really want this PC. This shit is so tight. I mostly got it to play video games alongside the oldest, but fuck, I want it to play some of the games too.

Is it cool for me to ask for the personal computer back? Do I just take it? Do I chuck it up to a lost cause i'm out here slapping my own baloney figuring out where i'm going next and man does porn hob porn hub on that son of a bitch sounds good maybe i'll get a dnd campaign going with some friends across the country play a video game to take my mind off of her you know computer shit what do i do love and cuddles dustin hoffman damn dusty um he wants the computer it's a hackintosh it's a gaming rig it's a nice it's a modded up souped up pc souped up soup to nuts yes it's a hard drive for my hard-on let's possibly do yeah i mean it's tough because the it being for the oldest like that kid really already feels ownership over that pc

that's that's the problem you're not taking this you're not taking it from you don't want to punish the kid yeah you're not taking it from the- You don't want to punish the kid. Yeah, you're not taking it from the girlfriend anymore. You are taking it directly from the child. Yeah. And with something like a computer, that feels like, you know, they were probably pretty damn amped to get that.

And like- What you could do, you could ask the girlfriend, you could be like, I don't want to take the computer back, but you have to give me cash. You have to buy it off me. So the kid can keep the computer, but I want $2,100. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really fucked because I don't think that he should have to just like two days after christmas be out thousands of dollars to somebody that cheated on him that's rough yeah but you also don't want to punish the kid i think you gotta be i'm saying yeah so you don't you punt it you say to the ex give me the cash or i'll tell the kid that you blew a guy in vegas i think you can't you can't risk being the bad guy now she cheated on you and now you have to take the high ground and say like all right i'm walking away from the situation keep the gifts then if you start getting into the the petty world of give me the computer back then people are like she blew a guy he asked for the computer they're both equally bad people and you don't want to get

into that tit for tat that quid pro no that quid pro hell no actually i think you have to buy your own computer again. I think you say the kids can keep the gifts, but you casually mention to the ex, you should pay me for the gifts, because that ain't right. It's not right. It's not right. I don't think you press the issue, because then I can understand you get into that greria

of being like, you know, we're in the mire here. I'm bad, you're bad. We're both being shitty. But I do think you say, I'm out of here. I didn't like that you cheated on me. Your kids can keep the gifts. I think the right thing to do is toss me some bones for that because, you know, kind of weird that I have to be Santa on my way out after you've broken my heart.

But do with that information what you will. The one thing you have to claim that is on your side is that she did it before the computer gift and told you about it after. So in theory, anything that happened in that dead zone, in between the blowing and the telling. Or that Graria. The Graria, exactly. Should be retroactively null and void. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But I'm saying you cannot take the gift from the kid, even though you should be able to. Although it would be funny to show up in the house dressed as some sort of Grinch-type character

and put things back into a red sack. You're a mean one, Mrs. Mom. She blew a guy in October. Can you help me unplug it? Because my back is killing me, and I feel like it's kind of wedged behind this fucking chair dude shit my dodge needs to jump outside fucking you gotta be shitting me do you guys have t-mobile or verizon because i don't have any bars to call triple a that would be a good episode of stuck a guy dresses up like the grinch to troll his ex-wife

and gets a flat tire we do have to write more episodes of stuck it's been a minute exactly uh we started making jake and amir's instead okay so that's i mean we came up with two ideas so far with a dystopian future that we didn't really flesh out and an episode of stuck where i troll somebody as the grinch and get a flat tire so i'm stuck in their house it also sounds like an episode of uh lonely and horny that's true it's very much a ruby jade thing to do to try to get a gift back after like a date didn't go well yeah actually have you been i think you you had seen the great i'm watching the great now yeah and yeah they love that one uh that one's funny yeah peter is that the main king's character it's kind of like uh an amir slash ruby jade character on

steroids because it's like if amir became the emperor so he like forces people to laugh and they have to laugh he fucks somebody's wife in front of them even though it's his best friend yeah he's so like oblivious and unsolved aware yeah exactly what season are you in uh avital watched the whole show season one and two and now we're watching season one where i think we're three episodes deep. Wow. He really only gets funnier. He's great. Who is that guy? He looks like Matthew Lillard meets Tom Cruise,

just like a hilarious British hot dude. His name is Nicholas Holt. Is he famous from anything before that? He's been in a bunch of stuff. Oh, yeah. He was in Mad Max. He was in The X-Men. Oh, that's right i do imagine i do see him sort of huffing silver spray paint now that i think yeah yeah he's he's like going to valhalla

it's crazy witness yeah he's so like british and attractive and he's also insanely funny that seems kind of crazy yeah it's not right he's the boy in about a boy interesting you know that that movie in like 2004 with like hugh grant and a little boy he's the boy holy shit i didn't know that this is incredible it makes sense yeah it absolutely makes sense uh okay let's take a break. We'll look at more Nicholas Holt IMDb trivia. After this. Yeah, after these messages. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

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Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I

did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your

first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! That was gross.

Oh, I don't think so. Do you? Here's a small one um on a group trip somebody brought not whiskey but a bottle of pre-made old-fashioned whiskey from trader joe's and it was good and it was quite good because it had the the sweetener the the simple syrup and the bitters already infused into the bottle you just have to pour it into a glass and add a cherry wow and an orange peel yeah well you don't i think they have the that infused orange peel zest in there already you need it for the the visual it's the garnish yeah the garnish let's let's not let's you know let's not throw i never really understood the

orange peel like you see people make people make the old-fashioned sometimes, and they just sort of squeeze an orange peel, and, like, nothing falls off of it. I'm like, what did you? You rubbed it. You rubbed it on the lip. It's a little bit of zest. I don't think any of the oil fell off.

I think that was just fake. I think that's unnecessary, actually. It might be a performative. Yes. But it is. I think it's nice to see that in the drink. Yeah. It completes the old-fashioned.

You really want that. I also, I mean, beside it being delicious, it is funny that like an old-fashioned is considered like, you know, like a very cool Don Drapery drink. But really all you're doing is adding sweetness and sugar to whiskey. It really should be like a little kid's drink. Like I'm drinking like a vodka cranberry, basically. It is very very it's true

it's the marketing is really good give me an old-fashioned that's when you take that whiskey add sugar and oranges to it and add a cherry fruit and sugar and don't forget a dash of the red food coloring wow that's cool this is old-fashioned right uh not really sex in the city kind of invented it in 2007 give it to me the the minimal is like the middle of minimalism on the old-fashioned i think is what makes it cool now it like if you go to like a golf club and you get an old-fashioned like the way they used to do it is like a fucking taller glass i think oh really with like muddled like full-on orange peel and cherries it's like so much fruit at the bottom it's a fucking saint chris ice yeah it looks awful and even when john draper drinks them in the show they kind of look like that they don't

in the 60s they didn't have the big fucking cube you know that's what it's all a single huge cube yeah you're gonna need the cube wait does don you're watching mad men again is he actually ordering an old-fashioned or does he just drink whiskey um he he drinks rye whiskey that's like his drink um but there's like one episode there's two episodes that i can think of where he gets an old-fashioned and it's a drink that don draper drinks during the day so i think that is kind of that that does say more about it like it's closer to what you're saying it's like an arnold palmer right it's like yeah it's a lunchtime drink to don it's what he drinks before having a sandwich

yeah he drinks that with a with a club sandwich uh so that's it. If you like old fashions, just like me and Jake, you can get a pre-made. It eliminates a lot of the, I was never buying whiskey and melting sugar and getting bitters. I never treated it that seriously. Right, if I'm at home, I'm not really making an old-fashioned.

I love when someone makes me one, and I love an old-fashioned, but yeah. I get one when I when i go out if i'm at home i'm just drinking whiskey on the rocks are you drinking one every day do you have beer every day or is that not a daily drink for you anymore that's actually not kosher to ask it's a little invasive it's a little invasive. It's a little tacky, don't you think? Not really. I'm just curious about if you have a beer. Lifting up a bottle of whiskey. Oh, God, that's hot gin.

You're doing a shooey. I probably have like maybe three beers a week. No, it's more than that. But like on like a Friday and on a Saturday and on a Sunday, I'll definitely drink a beer. Sometimes I'll have two. So it's probably three to five. But Mondays, Tuesday, Wednesday, beerless in Seattle? During the week, I don't really drink.

If there's like, maybe if we have people over for dinner, which happens every once in a while,'ll have a beer have wine um and then probably drinking whiskey twice a week what happened to your wine phase you were going through sort of wine and cooking phase of the pandemic did that ever survive um it's interesting you ask i i sort of became a psalm for a brief spell i I was a psalm, a sommelier, for a spell. And it continued in its own fashion. I still enjoy an occasional glass of wine. If somebody brings it over, I'll have some wine and I'll discuss the wine.

But I didn't really follow the path of, like, collecting wine. You didn't go whole hog no but i still i i think i found an appreciation for wine like when i go out to when i go over to jill's family for dinner her dad like breaks out a bottle of wine we can talk about it and as far as cooking goes it's actually a little tacky to ask. You could have just not brought it up again, then. I said, what about wine? What about cooking? Yeah, but I knew you were going to drill down on it. I knew you were going to drill down. So I guess the answer is no, you're not cooking anymore, because it seems like you're kind of offended now that you're bringing it up again. I cook. I am cooking. I'm just, it's, I'm cooking in a way less ambitious fashion. Before I was like spinning

the globe, I was reading about different cuisines. I was like going, I was leaning into becoming a chef. And now, and actually that phase made me feel a little more comfortable in the kitchen. Like now if Jill is like, oh, will you make the chicken? Or will you do this? Will you X, Y, and Z? I'm like, i'm like okay yeah sure maybe i'll cook it on the stovetop or in the oven maybe i'll use these spices so i like i feel a little more comfortable cooking but definitely not like whipping up elaborate meals by myself anymore and frankly i know i was fine we all had pandemic hobbies that came and went. This thing has lasted so long.

We've become new people and then drifted back to old and discovered new stuff. I used to play Mario Kart. Now I haven't played it in a year. It's the ebbs and flows of staying at home. You're going to have to find new stuff. I have gotten one hobby that really stuck um it which is cycling i've been very into biking since early in the pandemic and it's only gotten more robust and i care about it more i'm doing it more that's healthy is there anything like that for you uh has anything become a pandemic hobby that's stuck around?

Yeah, turned into a ritual, turned into a part of your life. That's a good question. I don't know. Oh, VR maybe. I'm still playing like VR mini golf and stuff like that. Who do you play with? I'll play with Jesse. I'll play with Ben sometimes.

Cohen, I think occasional. sometimes sean perlman anybody with a headset i feel like we should if we all get headsets we can try zoom meetings in there it's kind of fun because like you can walk around and see and like talk to somebody face to face it could be a fun alternative to zoom in 2022 do you see like an actual face or do you see like your avatar? Avatar. But you can make the avatar anything. So you could be like a pirate with a little birdie on your shoulder, which is kind of fun.

So it's not really a face-to-face conversation, is it? It'd be like a penguin talking to a pirate. Yeah, or like a carrot talking to a trash. Imagine having like a heavy discussion. Yeah, so we're running out of money. So like we need find hold on this is a part two watch this oh hit the windmill son of a bitch how much is an oculus they're like 500 bucks no less i think they're like two or three hundred it's pretty and there's a newer oculus since i've gotten, so, like, they're lighter and more HD. I think it's $299.

Okay. We should, I mean, at HeadGum, we should buy them for everybody. That'd be kind of cool. Yeah, and then we can have full fucking town hall meetings, all-hands meetings, but everyone is, you know, in a, I don't know, 7-Eleven on the moon or some shit it'd be awesome uh okay here's a question about another climbing or another hobby of yours rock climbing yes uh this lady writes we'll call her stacy our friend from the rock climbing gym all right who may or may not

still listen to this show yeah i stacy is like a professional rock climber now. So I feel like she's got better things to do. But it'd be sick if she listened. Yeah. She didn't block me on Instagram. So I'm still seeing her weekly trips to these insane spots. And she's like fucking Alex Honnold climbing this boulder that seems completely upside down. Yeah.

One finger at a time. It's pretty funny. Me and Stacy climbed for the first time on the exact same day oh really that was her you you and her started at the same exact time yeah i think we met each other on our first day climbing at the gym in santa monica and it's kind of interesting that we both became um sponsored professional climbers you wouldn't really think that would happen it's almost like she it's a coincidence is incredible and you are still you've gotten like one or two levels better you did a v2 that day and you've maxed out at a v4

she's doing like v7s and 8s outside and she's getting like yeah like you said sponsored content built around her her friends her climbs she's a fitness model now she's yeah she's an absolute rock climbing influencer yeah and you're just like a guy that likes to go to the gym still you still have tried just as hard as stacy you tried just as hard just Stacey. You tried just as hard. Just for whatever reason, you kept getting hurt, or you kept breaking your bones. She's never been hurt. Broke my heel, tore my leg into my toe. Yeah.

I had a couple pulley injuries, which hampered my progression, to be sure. The fact that she started on the same day as you. Getting sponsored, tougher. Blows my mind. She seems like a lifelong climber, and you feel like a two-day chump. We both prevailed and became professional rock climbers against the odds. You were a mat in her last post I saw. You sort of planked underneath the climbers, and if they should fall...

Because I guess your ribs are softer. Her spotters directed her feet onto your stomach you're a human mat for a group of climbers you're a crash pad man you're a crash pad man um okay here's a question um i just got home from the climbing gym right stacy and i was thinking about this cute guy that was working at reception i'm pretty sure i remember his name sean from when i joined a couple months ago and he gave me a tour of the gym oh i thought of another thing that stuck around for my pandemic is uh getting into tiktok i'm still into that oh all right because i see climbing tiktoks all the time anyway do you

really i see this guy two to three times a week briefly every time i walk in or out of the gym whenever he greets me i notice how friendly and warm he seems he has very inviting eyes and a nice voice anyway today i walked in and he said he liked my beanie and i said thank you and i awkwardly tried to scan my gym card and i uh and get through the gate I don't think this guy's going to ask me out while he's working there and I don't even know if he's single or interested but I am interested and I wish I could ask him out I just need advice on how to approach the situation um given I don't know anything about him I hate dating apps and I realizing this is an opportunity to get a date with a guy who at least shares a love of climbing

thank you so much for answering this your podcast is the only thing that gets me through drives from san diego to la nice so she's a socal climber just like you used to be whoa i wonder what gym she she climbs at probably freehold right freehold which one is freehold i don't know i see signs for it i think it's another one downtown oh yeah in the brewery district that's right that's right they got top rope there i mean the people that work slash frequent i remember we used to go like two or three times a week but like the culture of the people that work there slash went there all the time. Basically, Stacey and her friends, they were all so warm and friendly and ripped. They were all so nice and ripped and invited us to go on weekend trips

and we never used to go. And then they just got better and more ripped and more nice. And they're so cool. It's like such a fucking warm and inviting community. Yeah, I think the trick- If you're in it. Yeah, the trick is to just stay at the gym longer.

Like that was, we used to go climbing after work for an hour hour and a half go home make dinner but like we would arrive people were were there and had been there for a while we'd be leaving people were still there there were times when i went out to dinner in the arts district area it's like 11 p.m people are in the climbing gym it's like a social club for them almost like you hang out there more you're gonna yeah you'll hang out hang out around that gym or you will eventually talk to this guy that's kind of like the that's the that's the easy and it seems like an incestuous community of like you know we're all hanging around each other we're all hot we're all ripped we all love this thing like we can't get enough we might as well pork each other as well it's probably a good setting a third pile the show

to throw on the pile is that it's a good setting for a multi-camp sitcom it seems like yeah we should be pitching these things you know yeah the problem pitching is that it usually takes a lot of time and effort and then like we don't even hear the no it's just sort of like we're screaming it into a abyss and then that year ended and it was over but at least we have a google sheet with 400 weeks worth of revisions and god how many fucking calls and meetings yeah all of that practice pitches just to get the no's. Should we flesh out the Harriet character a little more? I don't think so. Oh, you know. Because usually we don't even hear a no in the room.

It's just sort of like, we'll let you know. And then it's the silence that follows it that really hurts you. Because you don't even hear the rejection anymore. I love that. I think a climbing gym is great, though. Yeah, it's a good location. It's of the moment. It's in the zeitgeist.

Yeah, our climbing gym is still. We'll call it Hold On. That's pretty good. It's like Cheers, but a climbing gym. Yeah. Anyway, this guy who works reception, again, the people that work there and the people that frequent it, it's this one big crew. They're constantly hanging out.

There's going to be some in-dating. It seems like this girl can hang around a little more, like you said, ask this guy out eventually, like you said. Or even like, are you going on any trips? And it seems like that's when it happens, these fucking weekend getaways. Yeah. I think look at the board at your climbing gym or follow your climbing gym on Instagram. And they're always doing like events, you know, like my climbing gym around here had like a Halloween party.

I remember like the one in Los Angeles, Los Angeles Boulders in downtown would have like competitions where you can go and like drink a beer and watch professional climbers and stuff so start attending stuff like that do the outdoor trips and then barring that you could also climb in the cave fall try to brace yourself snap your wrist so you like have a really severely broken and dislocated like arm and then limp up to the front desk and you need a ride to the hospital and that that's like your meet cute dislocate your wrist you said yeah like your shoulder and break your wrist i just mean like fall directly onto your arm outstretched as if it's trying to break your fall but it can't do that not from 10 feet up so you bring your arm and twist in the wrong way um and then you have

to go to the hospital you need a ride the guy behind the front desk he's the guy um and then in the car you yeah like to get to know you thing you'll probably be hyperventilating and passing out from the pain as the adrenaline wears off, but it's still kind of an interesting... I already mentioned, but... Yeah, meet cute. Yeah, you did mention that. Let's

pretend you didn't say that. Obviously, you're not suggesting she seriously injures herself. Let's take a break. Let's actually thank some sponsors right now. And I really think you need a reset. You need a timeout. You need to think about what you just said.

That makes sense. Yeah. It could have been a really, really debilitating fall that you recommended. Fortunately. I didn't want that. I don't want that. I don't know what's wrong with you, man.

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That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. The fall down shit. Yeah. Thank you. And we'll be back on the other side of these messages oh yeah and we're back okay one last question this one made me laugh because it was so quick and easy wow let's hear it we'll actually call him queasy good dear jake and shmuel i have a pimple on the side of my lip not a cold sore and a second date with a gal tomorrow can i kiss her that's the question

a pimple not a cold sore a zit on the lit, aka the lip. I mean, medically speaking, I guess, but I feel like the decision is ultimately hers. And she might not, you know, when she sees that, she doesn't know that it's a zit, not a cold sore. The problem is it's really hard to diagnose because all zits are not created equal there's the red kind where you can't see the white there's the little thin ones where it's like all it is is white and you're like you could easily pop it and you're you're not for some reason because you have this fucking life ethos which is to never pop a zit. Yeah. Actually, right around this time last year, it was so cold and my lips had gotten chapped.

And I had the tiniest little cut on the corner of my mouth just from my lips being too dry. Yeah. And every time I took a bite of anything, it would crack and reopen. Oh, God. It was so painful i have a very specific memory of driving and eating a burrito and needing to take like half bites of it and jill cracking up at me because i couldn't get my mouth around the whole thing um i recently had a in inner mouth thing i think i might must have chewed on my cheek in my sleep because like i woke up and i felt like i had a raised like almost like a pea-sized bump on the inside of my cheek i'm like

yeah this is just never gonna go away like i'm constantly touching it i'm constantly biting it if i wear a grind guard that's rubbing against it all night it will never heal and then slowly but surely it healed that's the beauty of the mouth yes amazing it's a self-healing machine yeah me and stacy are just fucking what's that crushing i just said the human body is really impressive the things that it can do the things that i can scale yeah she deadlifted 500 it looks like the other day she's She's really lifting impressive weight. Your back hurts a lot, so you can't really do exercises like that. I do deadlift.

I just do it with a kettlebell instead of any weight. Sometimes I'll just do the bar. Wow. Oh, my God. She picked up surfing it looks like too. She has great balance and strength. I've been watching surfing videos on my Instagram.

She's not watching videos, man. She's out there living this shit. I watched a documentary, 100 Foot Wave. It was pretty epic. Stacey doesn't really watch TV. She likes to be out and about. I didn't watch TV either. It was a mini-series,

so it's a little different. Yeah. Yeah. It was a, it was a mini series. So it's a little different. Yeah. Yeah. It was a limited. So not watching a TV show. Wow. Look at her send this fucking, is it still like V stuff if it's outdoors like this?

Cause like this looks like an absolute sheer cliff. Yeah. Right. It's still V stuff. Wow. She's like barely holding on she's doing these like i guess she trains by doing these two finger pull-ups yeah you know i climbed outside with stacy just so you know i was that when you broke your foot yes it was when i broke my foot yes that's right

stacy was there pretty cool she actually guided me to it in a way to fucking i guess sabotage me she's obviously competitive she did carry me to my car afterwards though um i i think you i don't think you kiss with i don't think you make the move with if it looks like a cold sore i don't think you make the move because it puts somebody in an uncomfortable position so just don't do it but it's possible, address the fact that it's a zit. Because I think I would be more conscious, kissing or no kissing, I would want whoever I was going out with to know that I didn't have herpes. So I would be like, oh yeah, no, things are good. I just have this zit on my lip and that's annoying, but everything else is fine um zit i said it's hard because

oftentimes you'll think it's such a big deal when it's actually not and like the person will bring it up too much it's like i know this fucking zit it's such an annoying zit i got this zit and it's like i really can't see you have to tread lightly yeah right but i think think you have to also be self-aware enough to be like, they might clock this. Like you're looking at someone's lips if you're going to have to kiss them. You're, you're, you know, you don't want to be in that position where you're like, oh, I'm, I want to kiss you, but I think you have herpes and you'll give it to me. So I shouldn't't you know i need to see i canceled if it's me i cancel the date but yeah i would like a follow-up pop where i get to look at this thing that would that's really what i need by the way that's a fun idea for our podcast is um you and i discussing people's like faces appearances zits beards haircut yeah almost like uh like i want to answer very specific advice about like people's outfits so like hit us with those questions i then but like don't you feel bad if it's like the email it's like yeah this is a really bad zit and it's like that's what our show is is telling people

yeah sometimes people need that they they this guy does not care if he has a bad zit or not. He needs to know if he should kiss somebody or if he should bail on the date. I feel like I could give the pure heart rule. I could give honest feedback. I could say, you know what? I love you, buddy, but I think you should cancel this date because that zit, it's too obvious. That zit ain't it. Let's sit this one out, okay?

Let's zit this one out. Yeah, if you're losing your hair and you want to see if your comb over is working, hit me up. Send me a photo. I'll tell you if you've got to shave the head or not. So the podcast is called The Hard Truth. No, it's called The Easy Truth.

The Friendly Truth. Because it's actually doing somebody a service and then will anybody ever critique the noble truth or i can sort of see your defenses went up so quickly just your face changed when i said can anybody critique you it seems like you got a little sad and surprised that i even brought it up well a fucking cold sore on my lip and nose i don't know what they'd have to say yeah they're a professional climber and surfer they're bleeding already you have an open sore perfect hair and skin you have a cold sore and a hot sore you have two different temperatures of sores on your face how did that happen man the hell is wrong with you uh wait what's this guy

what did we even tell this guy we don't know i say bail on the date sit it out wait till it clears up yeah it's not worth it and i i mean i need to see it if it's i bet it could easily be as small ass as it and like nobody would notice slash care it probably is but you do that a lot too you do the like oh this is it i can't stop thinking about it treating it cutting i'm like i can't even see what you're talking about yeah it happened before our live shows yeah i had i was i like i think it was a mask that I was wearing that made me break out in three spots right where the mask sat. And it was so fucking noticeable to me. I couldn't think of anything.

It's like when you have a mustache and you're like, I know I have a mustache. And you just want to tell people you have a mustache. But then sooner or later, you get used to the mustache and you forget you even have a mustache. Yeah. I used to do the same thing with new glasses. I'm like, hey, like just picking up fucking pills at a pharmacy. It's like, hey, new glasses. This is like weird.

And they're like, yeah, I don't know. I've never seen you before. So it doesn't feel weird. You don't have to address it. Right. I just know you wear glasses generally. Okay. Jake says, push the date. I say, I say i need more information d remember that on test a b c or d need more info i can't answer i have to pass i always needed more info

i put d on every question because i never had enough info which is one of the info I needed was the answer to the fucking question. That's right. Okay. Happy New Year. Thanks for listening, guys. Thanks for sending questions, theme songs. We need more. If I read your show at gmail.com, opening theme song is the closing theme song.

And it was written by Keegan, was it? Keegan Mew? Keegan Mew? Keegan Mew? The Australian? Yogi Boy. That sounds about right. Yogi Boy. Check him out on SoundCloud.

Yogi B-O-I. More videos, as always, on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J-A. Yeah. Big changes. Big changes coming to this podcast. Every week we're instituting something new um the the theme song thing is just the fucking beginning we don't even know what next week will bring the tip of the damn iceberg because next week the new year starts for us

yeah so shit's gonna hit different i'll actually i think i'm gonna be on the road touring so we're probably gonna make a quick episode but yeah week after that we hit the ground running oh yeah well then it's the like the mlk break we kind of coast until spring um but we'll probably try something different around march or april that's when we really hit the ground running running and we should do something silly on april fools though so like that won't be like the classic episode but like yeah that's right by june i feel like we're gonna hit the ground running with some cool yeah i'm gonna be gone through uh june through august summer i'll be gone till november i'll be gone till november yeah um then it's thanksgiving holidays and then we hit the ground running running 2023 bi 2023, biatch.

Although I don't think I can do that because I think January of 2023 is when I'm going to take my sabbatical. Nice. Yeah. Every 14 years. You have a gap year. Yes. I'm a gap in my teeth year. But after that, I'm going to hit the ground running.

I'm going to take my sabbatical. Stick around. Let's hit the ground running together.'m going to take my sabbatical. Stick around. Let's hit the ground running together. And we'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Peace. Superhero. a niche. These cool dudes got a truth to preach and cheese to seize to set my stress at ease. And maybe Jake's got a couple STDs, so check me, please.

Protect these Ds, perfecting these. So please give the treatment not to pick my steez. And while you're down there, could you give it a squeeze? Cut off my dick and I will pick a Starbucks to sit and blow my fucking brains out. My meat is thick and I use it quick to make some more time to listen to the show now.

Yes, dude, but I digress, dude Jay and Nate can watch me undress, dude Jake's a pinch, he don't flinch an inch So raise your fucking crab, cause he make it look like a cinch Amir's got a beard, he's a fucking chipmunk He can swallow bees' nuts, probably sleeps in a tree bunk Together so much better than they ever were separate Never let up whatsoever, yeah, the pleasure they generate

Net and chatter make me wetter, hop and measure, it's emigrate Never sever, they forever, ever leisurely celebrate Bow down, cause the show starts now Unless they play this at the end. Huh. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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