Segments - 522: Bike Riding

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

In this episode we discuss wisdom teeth, branded content, and the "Friend Zone."  If I Were You is now on YouTube as a video podcast! Watch the inaugural video episode! Of course the podcast will continue to be available as audio wherever you listen, but subscribe to the If I Were You channel to watch them every week!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You're the only advice podcast on the web. Jake speeds down the avenue. Burning Man starts so soon. It's 7.30 and Tamir has got his tourney. His boy Jews together make if I were you If I were you, what should I do? My ex is thirsting me on Insta If I were you, what should I do? Can my best friend give me a blowjob? BJ Can my best friend give me a blowjob? BJ! If I were you, what should I do?

My ex is thirsting me on Insta. Insta. If I were you, what should I do? Can my best friend give me a blowjob? BJ. What should I do? Can my best friend give me a blowjob? DJ Hey, if I were you Oh, please tell me what to do Jesus, if you only knew

Share with me your voice Wow. Hold on, there's four more minutes. I accidentally made it quiet mean i'd be fine do you know that song do you know the parody it's a beatles song right no it's mr blue sky by elo what made popular from uh eternal sunshine of the spotless mind that's when i found out oh got it yeah it's very familiar. Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why you had to

hide away for so long. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Guillermo and Austin say that this song, theme song, was years in the making and their hope is to hear it sometime before 2025.

Well, I'm glad you played it in its entirety it deserved it and we're gonna play it at the end remember that new rule that's right yeah that's a new resolution for us uh written by guillermo and austin two listeners from you'll never guess uh buffalo austin if you can yeah that makes sense uh we'd love if you can believe it yeah uh we'd love if you shout out our podcast blank and then they go on to explain the podcast thank you austin and guillermo namaste namaste why don't you shout out the podcast i'll reach out put them in touch with marty for um sponsor spawn con sponsored content you're gonna play their song twice it's giving you an intro and an outro to your podcast yeah so you you pay by giving them a shout out i'll fucking shake i'll and i'll charge them an extra cpm because we already gave them a shout out so we can build that into the buy

the ad buy actually i you should focus on doing the podcast and less on monetizing. I want you spending less time with Marty, okay? Because I don't think he enjoys it either. I'm down to spend a little less time. Say, 50 bucks a day, I don't see him at all. You're just trying to monetize your time constantly. Yeah. You're not worth anything. If I can get paid by enough people to not hang out,

then I can sort of monetize even time that I'm not hanging out. That's really interesting, actually. Like a lot of people... You're useless. So you'd have to pay me not to talk about something. An anti-ad of sorts. You're like an excavator. All right, fine.

It's called Tournament Style. Are you happy? I love it. It's a two-man comedic show where we host a tournament every week and figure out the best thing in any given category. So shout out to Tournament Style. That's a good show. It's a good show.

I like it. It's like March Madness like march madness but like you know with other things i think billy and adam do that on their podcast sometimes they and these guys just made it their entire podcast tournament style so thank you austin that's really good it's like all fantasy everything meets the goat show yeah oh interesting so that's aka the perfect podcast i wonder if i mean we own that show now. I don't think so, because it's... Because me and Mike had kind of like ranked products,

and it sounds like they come to a consensus. I want to roll that IP into our umbrella. Ella, hey, hey, we own your thoughts. Thoughts, hey, hey, hey. your thoughts. Thoughts. Hey, hey, hey. This is you in court. You have to be sworn in, Mr. Blumenfeld. Really? I was going to say that I rested my case, as it were.

Ace, ace, ace. Under my case, ace. What were we going to say? Make another podcast where we combine two shows yeah we could just make it as a podcast but you wanted to roll it up and sue them or something i don't know what other two shows can we sort of mind meld into its own third property so like punch up the jam and nad pod so it's like almost this dnd meets airbnb and i want it to be sponsored by vrbo i told you to stop thinking about sponsored but i actually also want you to stop thinking about

the creative let's not have to focus on ideally anything at the company okay okay i wonder if i could not own any funnel that we have at headcount any yeah i'm wondering if there's even like uh i know what you're just distracting toy i could have to keep me at bay slash busy while other things yeah happen you know cool um yes uh i think you should still have a fidget spinner that's cool somewhere i feel like you're not one during the heyday yeah so i'll use that instead of slack for example if we ever did another season of lonely and horny ruby jade should have a fidget spinner hey not a dress but just you're at the bar with a fidget spinner and a cocktail and i'm really good at it popping it from one finger to the other yeah you have to not be impressive uh all right this is if i were you the only advice pod on the web hosted by well me i'm

amir i am jake and we're on video for the first fucking time yeah talk about talk about monetizing shit why don't we put some of our audio content on youtube as a video that's right yeah let's try it out let's do it we've had our podcast for what eight years nine Yeah, yeah. Maybe it's time to try that? Yeah. To try to grow the show? Uh-huh, uh-huh. Maybe it's time to grow show. I show.

Well, there's an awful lot of traffic, and it's in decline. No, our show is dying, basically, and we're trying to revive it, as it were. This is the defibrillator-slash-video version of our show is dying, basically. And we're trying to revive it as it were. This is the defibrillator slash video version of our show. You can obviously still listen to it. You're listening to it right now. You know that. Right.

And you might be watching it. You might have already been hip to the fact that it's on YouTube because we're going to put it on, I don't know, HeadGum's YouTube. If I were to use YouTube, Jacob would use YouTube. I think it'll be somewhere. So you might already be watching it just because it's in your feed actually we got a follow-up pop that's a little visual so this is perfect timing i can share my screen and i think it'll record it as a a little screen share action this is um the guy who thought he had a zit on his lip and wanted to know if he should

go in for the kiss as a second date yes i recall um so and you you said that you needed to see it that i did you know we're like we can't say for like certain you said i think you said it was fine and i said you don't go until i have more information is that correct yeah that sounds right and then we didn't know you know sometimes people overblow it, sometimes people underblow it. Is it a cold sore? Is it a zit? We just didn't know.

So he sent us a picture and he said, we kissed. It was okay. I think she was avoiding the growth on my lower lip. Hopefully she'll see me again. You don't think it's a cold sore, right? It's probably not a cold sore. What do you think? It went from a zit to the growth.

The growth sounds large that was uh and in charge that yeah that was a red flag and then he sent us um let's see it this pic which you know um i sent to you and you said we should talk about let me open it just so you don't see anything else on my incredibly private screen. There we go. This is going to go wide. Oh, oh, dear God. Yeah. So that's. Oh, dear me.

I mean. So how would you describe that to our audio listeners? It's, I mean, that's a severe white head on that zit. It feels like he went, to me, I think he went to great lengths to leave the white head so no one would think that it was a coleslaw. Does that track? Like, that looks like it's a white head about to burst to me. And it's basically half on his chin and half on his neck. The thing that makes me think it's not a zit is that it's not like, you know

how a lot of zits end in a point, almost like the top, the tip of a snow-capped mountain or a volcano? This one is sort of a flat, white disk. There's no peak. It appears to be a valley. It's a mesa. It looks like this scenery in Sedona,

New Mexico, or Arizona, or something like that. A long,ona, New Mexico, or Arizona, or something like that. A long, flat, white mesa of sorts. I frankly can't believe he even wrote to us asking for advice. This is a clearly don't go situation. This is a cancel the date. I, like, that is, it's, it's half, it's a quarter of his lip, I think. No, now you're embellishing. It is half on the lip, half on the chin area, I would say.

It's almost like if you were playing shuffleboard and it landed like this. I was thinking the exact same thing. Yeah. It's a hanger. It's a hanger off. This is what you want. This is that four-point shuffleboard zit. Almost half that it would fall over, but not quite.

I would say it's like 48% on lip, 52% on chin. Goat shuffleboard shot, woe zit, I would say. I mean, we're describing zit in detail. Does this make people want to watch the video more or less? I guess we'll have data soon. I personally wanted you to cut away from that video as soon as you share this. I'm amazed. Whoever this girl is, you should marry her

because she's very chill. Yeah. Also, is it cold sore or coal sore? I think it's cold, Co-l-d that is correct nice but it's pronounced coal is it yeah i don't know i think it's pronounced or people say cold sore and like you just sort of drop the d cold sore cold yeah cold sore cold sore it's cold it's yeah you hardly say the d right when you're like describing how cold it is in a room cold yeah it's cold in here cold sore i say cold cold i think i say the d pretty hard um cold sore i would say i say i feel like i accentuate

the d do you know that cold sores are herpes yes yes so it's the same little uh infection it's a herpes infection but it's on your lips and you know you like once you have it and you you get it repeatedly but then if you don't have it you never get it are you a have it and get it repeatedly or never get it i that's weird because i guess i've never gotten one but i also feel like i've heard that like the majority of people have like that type like whatever type of herpes that is like herpes one or two or whatever a or something like that yeah the delta herpes variant yeah most people have the one that has just like the mouth sores but that's fine and then there's something completely separate the canker sore yeah two different sores is that

herpes too no i think canker is just like a any like lesion in your mouth like if you bite your cheek or if you like brush your teeth and that little white fucking canker opens up to heal yeah those are on i i've gotten a canker i don't like the canker have you ever had two cankers that'll'll fucking ruin your month. To have two. That will tank your weekend. A tanker sore is when you have four in a row. It's like you're playing Battleship in your mouth. You suck my mouth.

Oh, God. Four cankers is a tanker sore. God. Three is an anchor sore, and two is just a can canker did i tell you i'm getting my wisdom teeth out on monday no jesus today this episode drops i'm getting um two my remaining two wisdom teeth out i had two out a couple or like 10 years ago are they in right like are they fully in or are they like behind your gum line they're fully in i don't the dentist that did my original uh i feel like i've talked about this before the the dentist that did my original um what is it called wisdom teeth removal yeah the extraction he said that i

had enough room in my mouth for these two over here so and he was like it's too much to take out all four right now so i'll do these two and if you need he was like, it's too much to take out all four right now. So I'll do these two. And if you need these ones done later, we can do that. And everybody that I've seen since is like, that's insane. If you're getting put down to take your teeth out, you should have just got all of them. And it was painful and I didn't like it.

So I put off getting these two out for 10 years. But now they're starting to crowd my teeth teeth i didn't have the room that that fucking quack said i did so i'm gonna get my upper and lower wisdom teeth on the left side of my mouth out on monday wow so you're not you're gonna be out of commission for a few days aren't you that's not like i can record on tuesday typedeal. Yeah, I think I'm like definitely out on, I put in the head gum out of office calendar that I'm not in on Monday or Tuesday. Wow.

And I imagine that even by the time we record the next podcast, I'll have a chubby cheek. Maybe the beard will hide some of it, but we'll see. Check back in. Subscribe to the video podcast now to see how I look post-surgery. And it's interesting that it's only on one side because I've seen like the puffy face where they get them all out at the same time.

Yep. I'm unfortunate in that regard too, because I think I never had wisdom teeth. Like some people just don't grow them. What? That's incredible. Not only that, but I think I also had four like regular teeth removed. So like I have your average is 28. And if you have wisdom teeth, it's 32.

And I have like 24. I have less teeth than normal. That's so weird. You got your teeth. And now that we're doing a video, I only have like two. There's only six. I have four teeth. Six on the bottom.

I only have two molars. Wow. And then some people have a third and then then the wisdom is even behind that or something. Yeah, I feel like mine on the left side just go back forever. Yeah, that's why. But I can't open my mouth all the way. So I wonder if I'll be able to do it more when I don't have these wisdom teeth in. I have the TMJ.

Everyone listen at home. This is the sound of my jaw cracking. Ready? Yeah. Oh, oh, you hear that? Yeah, it sounds like there's an aluminum can in your throat. Yeah, it does that. I'll do it on video for everyone too. You can kind of see how my mouth has to like move to the side. If I go wider than a couple inches, it'll lock up. It seems like everybody has something, maybe even two or three things.

Like that could almost be a podcast. Like what's your thing that you deal with? And it's like this weird personal thing that you have. Like, oh, by the way. What's your ailment? Yeah, like the jaw thing is like such a big part of people's lives that have it bad. And like, if you don't have it,

you don't think about it at all. Yeah, like, right. I remember when I was going to r slash no burp it's really it dominates right you could there's a subreddit for every single ailment and people are in there discussing i sometimes dip in when something is bothering me what's your ailment that's good yeah what's your ailment what's what's your damage for for a while my ailment was acne like figuring out how to hide zits remove zits get, get rid of zits, like put toothpaste on zits while I slept. Yeah.

The Accutane. I thought that I was going bald when I was like 28 because my hairline is like receding. But now that I'm 36 and it hasn't changed since I was 20 in my 20s, it's like, oh, that's fine. But when I was in my 20s, it was less than that. But now I'm 36. It's kind of the same as everybody. So it really leveled out. Yeah, so it went back and then it sort of stayed

until everybody caught up to it. Yeah, like went high on both sides, like higher than it was in college. And I was like, oh my God, it's going, it's going. And I was like freaking out. And then it's just sort of,'s paused since then yeah have you ever shaved gone full buzz no because i can also like kind of feel i like can feel a mole on my scalp that i feel like if i if i shave my head i'll have to deal with yeah i don't want it i don't want to

all right now that we've gotten sort of our mouth ailments slash cold kind of interesting to fucking to shave my head yeah i think it would look bad it seems like everyone should try it at least once right yeah that's true yeah everybody we all deserve to see what our head looks like is shaped like i remember buzzing a few times in New York. Right. You did it recently. I guess I did it like in high school.

High school doesn't count. Yeah. It'd be a fun bet. It'd be a fun bet to do now. And we could do our Super Bowl bet this year. Oh, that is. It is coming. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh my God. I would be so sad. I don't know. All right, let's take a break. Come back after these sponsors and answer some more questions. Yep. I guess answer questions at all, really. Right.

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easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

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You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't know if you guys know this, but life can be low-key stressful or anxious at times.

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and media personality Mandy B. Every week, Bridget and Mandy offer grown, honest, and slightly toxic perspectives on all things music, pop culture, and of course, love slash dating slash relationships. So if you have a hard time finding new music, or perhaps you're a millennial that misses life in the early 2000s, or you're interested in multiple perspectives on relationships and dating, check them out. See The Thing Is is a podcast that allows space for a wide range of thoughts and emotions. They got awesome guests like Big Frito, Remy Ma, Chloe Bailey, and Nao, and more. So if you are in the market for a new podcast in your rotation, check them out. It's called See The Thing Is. thing is and we're back hey jake do you have any oh it's a little sooner than five mom i'm coming gross not that i can think of but maybe you do? I picked up a pretty interesting pandemic hobby recently. Maybe it would be for other people too. Started riding a bike, actually.

Might be kind of a cool thing that I... That's my hobby. That I bring to the masses in a way. I want to be like almost a leader of the pack i remember i'm leading this particular pack because i've been riding a bike for a long a long time you just learned yeah i just learned this i learned how to ride a bike so like you you're just like i always knew so you didn't really do anything yeah i started riding like seriously i go for like 50 mile bike rides seriously it's you ride a bike you've always You're just like, I always knew. So you didn't really do anything. Yeah. I started riding like seriously.

I go for like 50 mile bike rides. Seriously. It's you ride a bike. You've always ridden a bike. I'm learning literally from scratch. So like I will go with Avital to the LA River bike path. And when it's nice and wide open, I can stumble as I start sometimes, sometimes fail, and then sometimes get the ball rolling.

And once the things are rolling, the wheels, you know, to go forward, I can go for a little bit. I'm happy for you, by the way. Like, I think the way you're bringing this to the table, that's what myths me. That's what rubs me the wrong way. The fact that you're trying to present this as like this, as this amazing.

It's almost like a gift that I'm presenting. Yeah, you're not like a bike ambassador yes that's the word i'm an ambassador you're a clinger on you're a you're a fair fair weather fan a fair weather biker that's true i only like to bike when it's nice and sunny out that's right and i just biked i biked last week when it was like 48 so it's too cold not for me um oh wow but anyway yeah yeah tell me everything i'm excited for you so it's it's still difficult for me to start like when i because the bike that i bought for myself they move the seat quite high because they want my legs to be extended fully when they're on the pedals which means i can't sit on the seat and then straddle and hold it down,

which is how I feel comfortable. Like if I fall, I can always do the splits and I'm on the seat still, but this. But no, because I'm an adult male, I got to fucking have my legs extended on the pedal, which means if I fall, I'm literally like, ah, okay, like that. I think there's a happy medium there. I would think so too. They can lower the seat a little bit. They could. They should.

I think you should be able to get your, I mean, what you're supposed to be able to do is like. I can tip. I can tip, but I can't do both. I think you should be able to be on the ground with both feet on your tippy toes, maybe even half tippy toes, at least to start. That's fucking crazy. I would agree anyway so braving that fact uh it's a little difficult to start especially when it's crowded like we went on the weekend and there's like bikes zooming by and like you know when i start i'm like whoa whoa whoa and then i straight

like i can't do the whoa whoa whoa part especially when people you gotta start like people walking dogs i'm like i'm gonna run over this poodle when it's busy, I like a nice open street. I can do the wobble and then I'm straight. And then once I'm straight, I'm like fucking, I'm kind of like white knuckling, keeping my arms straight, trying to like stay as straight. I'm never like, not yet at least, because I've only, you know, done this a handful of times.

I'm never just cruising straight in a relaxed fashion. Right. Do you, are there moments where you like it? Well, like, or you just, are you kind of like gritting your teeth you, are there moments where you like it? Well, like, or you just, are you kind of like gritting your teeth to learn because you think you'll like it? I'm sort of equating it to skiing in that it's kind of cumbersome and difficult to get to, but then once the movement is happening, it's nice. And it's like, okay, I can see the appeal of this. And I'm, you know, moving faster than I would walking. And now that I'm going, I can see the appeal of this. And I'm moving faster than I would walking. And now that I'm going, I can stay going

and feel the wind in my hair. And that's nice. And did you buy a new bike? I bought a bike about a few months ago, but I haven't really ridden it much until recently. What kind of bike? Is it a road bike, mountain bike, cruiser? It's probably not a mountain bike.

It's thick wheels. It's not like a skinny wheel it's sort of i just basically said i don't know how to ride a bike what do you recommend i wonder send me a link to i bet it's how many gears does it have it has seven and here's the problem i never know which gear to go to because i mean i'm not going uphill and downhill so like i just keep it at two is Is that fine? Is that normal? Yeah. If that feels, I mean,

I think you want to be getting like one full rotation on the wheel for every time you spin the pedal. Right. And I'm not even thinking about that. I'm not like, how many rotations am I getting here? I'm just like going or stopping, trying to start or falling. Those are my four modes.

Yeah, that's cool. So, but it's, it's totally about a feeling. If it feels like you're pedaling and it's propelling you forward fast enough with enough effort that's that's good but if you feel like you're gnashing on the pedals and your wheels aren't spinning then you're in too nah or low of a gear here's another question for you the gear changer is just like a button you click down and it changes how do you know whether it's changing up or down um it's every

bike is different like i know on my bike that if i press one button it's going it's going down a gear and if i press another button it's it's going up there's like two different buttons mine i think is almost like a bell being rung like i just press it down but maybe i can push it towards me would that change is there Is there only one? Only one what? Only one what? You're embarrassing me. You know that I don't know the answer to that question.

Is there only one? So now I look like a fool. The little lever thing. You look like a fool for blowing up at me the way you are. Is there only one of those little levers? There's not one on the right and one on the left. Yes, it's only one gear thing on the right side. Okay, yeah, so maybe going down,

there's a difference between pulling it down and pushing it up. Oh, interesting. There's probably, yeah, I think there must be something in the direction that it's going. At what point I got to, I was at four and I pressed it and it was down to three and then I pressed it again. I'm like, ooh, down to two. I'm like, uh-oh, I better not go down anymore because i don't know how to go back up

like these are permanent decisions i'm making here as far as i'm concerned send me a photo of it i'll i'll look into it okay we could do bike talk with the screen share next week yeah and then also have you ever adjusted the brakes like one of my brakes was sort of like rubbing against the wheel even not squeezing it like you know how there's these little rubber pads are supposed to like hover a millimeter away from the wheel yeah yeah yeah you can almost like adjust it with a screw right i i have adjusted the brakes before i've had like um wheels that also like kind of get bent and go into them i don't know yeah yeah lots of that that stuff. You ever fall down?

I'm taking breaks now. You ever like hit a gate? Yeah. God, knock on wood. I so far have not fallen down. I've had some very, very close calls that are like pretty harrowing. Like there was one time where I was going in between, like turning onto delancey street

to go over the williamsburg bridge and there's like cars bikes pedestrians just like so many people yeah people coming up people going down i'm trying to turn left um and i see a little bit of space and it's like it's by going in between where like the curb and the sidewalk are um so i like made a quick decision to do that but i had like i was kind of i was i wasn't pedaling i was like cruising a little bit and i had my right pedal um it was just like stationary but it was lower and i was standing up on the bike and that pedal clipped the the curb and i just like almost flipped over the handlebars jesus almost fell but i caught myself so it ended up being okay and also don't you clip into your pedals that seems kind of crazy to me yeah clipping in the first time i did that was very

very scary you can never take your fucking foot off the pedal that seems illegal well you well you can it's just kind of it's a little hard you have to twist your foot out of it i've got right yeah you can adjust the pedals can be adjusted so you can either like clip in and feel like you know your foot is locked in place or you can clip in and feel like you know i can wiggle this out really fast if I needed to. Yeah. So, but the nice thing about having the pedals clipped in is like, you're, you're going, you're propelling yourself on the down,

on like the, you know, your down strokes as well as your up. So when, yeah. So when you're, you're like, it's just like, it's so much more efficient. It feels incredible to ride a bike like that. Yeah. Well, I'm so far away from that. I can't even imagine. I need to get to the point where I can i can't i can hardly turn like when i get to a street and i need to turn around i'm like sort of trying to turn almost falling down standing up on the

bike lifting my bike turning it around driving yeah i mean i really i think all all you can do is just practice a lot that's so that's it's oh i was hoping that you would recommend a pill or some cheat sheet where you could get one of those like seasickness bracelets that kind of helps you that's good yeah i never i basically like my father gave it a very half-assed attempt to teach me like i never had a small bike he would try to teach me like on an adult bike so i'd be like terrified it wouldn't work and i would be like crying and he'd be like all right fine you don't have to try anymore because you're crying a lot but there was never like here's your small bike with training wheels first oh that's a good idea that's not how israelis do it i've tried to teach

you to ride a bike two separate times once in nantucket like 10 years ago and then once five or six years ago when we moved to la moved to la yeah and it kind of worked like it's always the same thing where like once i get going i can get going yeah it's the hard time that's it started yeah that's great um i'm actually going to be in la in the end of january so i feel like i should uh we should go biking yeah hopefully i'll be better by then. It's now January 5th at the time of recording. You have three weeks.

I have to fucking practice every day. And it's really fricking shameful a little bit to see a 38 year old who's like, oh, hold, people look at me like I'm making fun of a child. I'm like, no, I'm not ridiculing anybody. I actually don't know how to start and stop because everyone knows how to do it. I feel like there's some really nice, easy tips and tricks that I'll be able to tell you as soon as I see what you're doing.

Yeah, but what could it possibly be? When I start riding, I pedal down and sometimes that thrust is too much and I'll fall to the right. Yeah, I think when you're doing that i guess i would just like try to keep your your core tight really that's what's keeping your balance i sort of i sort of do a jelly bean to the right and i like contort my soft tummy off the bike a little bit right i guess i could keep my core tight i also do one-handed a lot it's like instead of two-handed i'll like sort of yank the wheel as i start to ride because i i also do one-handed a lot it's like instead of two-handed

i'll like sort of yank the wheel as i start to ride because i i feel like i want to hold on to a ledge that makes sense one of my goals is to learn how to ride uh with no hands oh my god i saw some guy fucking whiz by me like that it was yeah this guy was like texting while like biking perfectly straight i'm like holy shit even one hand is really hard that's so hard i want like i've seen people just like riding down the street in new york like both hands off leaning back eating a bagel i'm like that's right into a wall bagel coffee goddamn the dream i have a full fucking dinner in front of them they're slicing the steak the fucking bib that's a good example of like when people are like how do you not know how to

ride a bike or how does it feel when you're riding a bike ride without hands that's how i feel riding with my hands so like that's a little balance and control i feel at all times right so really it's courageous that you're trying i'm proud of you Yeah. Everybody else is a coward for not trying to ride without their fucking hands. That's right. Do you ever do one handed? Like me. Yeah. One handed is easy.

I can do that. That's no harder than two. Yeah. I would love, if I could get myself to feel like I do with one hand with no hands, that'd be, that would be incredible. Do you know anyone who could ride no hands uh yeah uh our buddy miles who who actually did the stinger for uh the head gum originals oh wow yeah but he can ride with no hands like can he turn can you turn without hands yeah he like will ride we'll ride home from the gym together and i'm like

riding with my hands on my handlebars and he's like no hands turning and talking to me like using his hands it's almost like a self-driving bike yeah like he's not even he's like passively looking around I'm I'm like fine at bike riding but I also have like a self I'm scared you know I'm thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey oh draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you

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I'm afraid of everything I do, I do while being afraid. So like when you get to a place you're like relieved and you have to like un-tense upon arrival. Yeah, like when I definitely, when I clip in and I will ride to Central Park, because I'll ride into Central Park and I'll do like loops around the park. And when I'm in the park, that to Central Park, because I'll ride into Central Park and I'll do loops around the park. And when I'm in the park, that's great.

I'm so relaxed. But there's several parts of this ride that I dread. Getting off the Williamsburg Bridge and to the bike path in Manhattan is stressful. And there's always cars trying to hit you. And it's like sharp inclines and declines so you have less control yeah and start stop and you have no you also have every people are fucking insane and there's like the the e-bikes and people ride mopeds over the bridge and like people stop and take a selfie and they'll just like turn really quick and just like step into the bike lane so you always have to be

ready to fucking stop or you're gonna kill somebody yeah that's not me that can't be me i'm not you like it there's parts of it that are fun yeah it's cool to it's cool to do it and to feel the rush but i feel like it's way too dangerous yeah i actually felt like it was more dangerous riding a bike because i used to bike to work in la and i was i would definitely get into more harrowing situations there than in New York. Cause people are not used to it. Yeah. There's no room for a bike in LA and nobody's expecting them either.

I feel like New York is like, everything is insane, but you're kind of like at any moment, anything can happen. Like there's cars coming on like in and out of their parking spots. Everyone's double parked. There's deliveries or whatever um so you're just like one of a million things but in la you're on a bike it's

like you're not supposed to be there yeah people are they're not looking for you you know i hit like bikes all the time when i'm driving around like i remember that yeah i was in your car one time um the guy that like flip up and like i didn't even see that dude like we should stop and he's like and you're like what do you think he's okay yeah yeah wow jesus yeah yeah i mean that's why they were homeless right like you do it all the time yeah it was funny it was fun actually yeah uh all right we really have to answer questions. This is fucking like enough is enough. Yeah. One last break and then I swear, enough bike talk, enough mouth talk.

We have to give the people what they want, which is our wisdom shed about a specific issue. Let's fucking do it. We'll be back after these massages. Perfect. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. How'd you like to have the best night's sleep of your life? Nothing more important than good sleep.

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yeah uh here's a question i guess we have answered this lady before she's an algebra teacher um i think there was like some math related question or something like that before love it uh but this one is a covid related question the first time i met one of my co-workers what's what was your algebra teacher's name do you remember um god no like mr fantarella maybe or something like that probably not though sant maybe, or something like that. Probably not, though. Santarella, something like that. Mrs. Santarella writes, the first time I met one of my coworkers was at a teacher...

Oh, wait, it's Mr. Kane. Sorry. Mrs. Kane writes, the first time I met one of my coworkers was at a new teacher orientation in August of 2021 he admitted that he had gotten COVID twice but insisted that he doesn't need the vaccine because he now

has antibodies needless to say perhaps it's good that he's a special education teacher rather than a science teacher nice a few days into our winter break he texted me that he got COVID again when I asked if he would get the vaccine this time after he recovers he rejected the notion winter break ends tomorrow and i feel

like it's my social duty to say something to him especially since we work around impressionable teens do you have any advice about how to handle a 30 year old texan anti-vaxxer. Love, Mrs. Kane. God, that's fucking insane. It really, there's just so many different people in the country. It's also very, like, maybe I'm mistaken, but I think that you have to be vaccinated if you're a teacher in New York. Like, you can't go back to work without it. Yeah, it seems, if that's not the rule, it definitely seems like that should be the rule. And so, you assume it's the rule, but maybe

that's not the rule. Yeah, I think it's the rule here, and I assume that it's everywhere, but that's clearly not the case, because New York is progressive. Yeah, definitely not the rule in Texas, and probably not the rule in Floridaida and this guy is in texas and he's teaching children i i mean is it even possible to convince someone that's gotten covid three times i feel like his resolve is stronger now than ever yeah like i think if he's not convinced after getting the disease thrice there's nothing you can say. He's already been sick. His own decisions have made him get sick three times. Yeah.

I mean, like, at the very least, you could tell him that it's not necessary. Like, getting the vaccine will help you have, you know, less symptoms when you do catch it, which he's clearly prone to do. Yeah. He's definitely getting it a fourth time. I wonder what the record is. It's been around for two years. Has somebody gotten it like eight different times?

Jesus Christ. Like once every four months you got COVID for 24 months? Yeah, I bet. I mean, probably. It's in play. Yeah. Here's a question. Hypothetical.

What percentage of Americans do you think have gotten COVID? It's not like there's no data for the true answer out there. You sort of have to guesstimate. Do you think there's probably way more people that got it and didn't get tested and didn't have severe symptoms yeah when i had it i never knew that i had it right you just had antibodies one day and you're like okay i had it yeah and that's because you tested antibodies if you didn't even do that you would have no idea you would never know so i guess i'll say 70 wow i love it 70 sure why not fuck it i'll say 80 like it doesn't matter like it's all just one percent because i think you just went over i think you went way and i just won you already guessed 70 you already get and you're not allowed to guesses sorry did you what are the rules here you're making them as you go i'm just asking you as you go yeah there are rules and i can have two guesses and i guess one

percent and you went over and then you also got 70 though yeah well i changed my guess when i heard yours i went out on the limb i guess first so i'll So I'll... That took balls. That took huevos. You try to go above me, and then I am allowed one more guess to sort of correct, course correct, as it were. I think you went over. I went to 1%. So I'll go to 45. I'll go to 45%. There's no way you're closer than I am.

I nailed it with 70%. You removed that guess. You absolutely removed the guess. The guess is null. The guess is void. There is no guess. Congrats. And there's no telling this guy what to do, unfortunately.

I feel like you can tell on him and hope the school makes people get vaccinated, but it seems like that's not the case in Texas either. Yeah yeah i don't know if there's anything that can be done have you considered a state change to one that lines up more with your no no we need we need we need you in texas we should because we need to flip it yeah yeah we should move to texas we can hang out with austin our um theme song singer. That's right. Exactly.

Here's another question from another lady. She's asking about something I haven't heard about in five years. That's right. The friend zone. Nice. Remember the friend zone. I do remember the friend zone. I'm a 26-year-old female, and I don't know what to do about a guy I like.

He's my neighbor, and we've hung out as friends for a few months. At first, I wasn't into him romantically, but after getting to know him, I realized that we have a lot in common, and I want to see if there could be something more. The problem is, we have both talked about dates we've been going on to each other. Does this mean he wouldn't want to date me? I want to tell him how I feel, but i don't want to lose him as a friend do you think i should go for it and how do i say it in a way that could keep it chill if he doesn't like me thank you i'll go mrs uh spall my algebra teacher perfect hmm i don't feel like this is um we don't is, we've talked about the friend zone not being a real place that you can actually be in. I'm actually thinking of moving to either Texas or the friend zone.

The friend zone. Yes. There are no cases in the friend zone. It's kind of like the metaverse, if you think about it. Right. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. That's good.

It only exists in virtual reality the friend zone so you're saying you would be able to ride a bike there yeah without handlebars and hands that's right i'm gonna fucking unicycle i do think i i feel like this is this is easily possible like to me it's it's a flirty thing to talk about dates, especially if I guess it depends what kind of dates you're talking about. If the dates are not going great and you're not interested in, you're like talking shit about people, then that's a very sexy place to be. You're basically both admitting that you're playing the field and seeing

what's out there and that, and that you're available, especially if you're talking about multiple dates, it'd be one thing. If he's like talking to you about a girl that he's seeing that he likes, or you're doing the same thing to him. But like, yeah, talking about dating is a flirty, it's a flirty place. I think you're already doing what you need to do. Yeah. It's tough because sometimes the friend zone is the flirtiest place of all. You're like talking about other people, sort of keeping each other apprised of what's going on romantically.

There's nothing more romantic than the friend zone. When I was 27, I basically only hooked up with my friends. I think you're... Everybody was in the zone. Auto zone. Yeah, the weird part is when you actually went on dates with strangers when you're in your 20s. Right.

People say the friend zone and also friends with benefits it's also i want to be in the friends with benefits zone i'm in the friend zone but are there benefits here what am i doing in the fucking friend zone there's not even a benefit or is it a completely different zone there's the friend zone and then the friends with benefits zone. Yeah. And then there's the auto zone, which brings us to our last sponsored. Auto zone. Get in the zone.

Actually, I do have to get my oil changed. Do you really? Yeah, it's been several thousand miles and I sort of always leave it hanging. That's where some I'd have to go to. I might have to go to the auto zone or the friend with benefits you don't you don't go back to the place that leased you your car I do but it says like for thousands of miles um you're due on the thing service due service due right and to me I'm sort of a skeptical little miser and I'm like is it really due or are you just programming it into the car? So I have to come back and get a muffler or whatever the fuck that is.

Yeah. Do I have to change my air filter? Do I, or do I not have to, what happens if I never changed my oil? What happens then? Probably nothing. And then someday you might,

your car might break down on the side of the highway. Is that fine? Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Cause. Yeah. Because you will have lasted so long without ever getting a service. Yeah.

I've saved money and time to the point where it's kind of like you and your wisdom teeth. You sort of push the surgery. You're like, you could have gotten it all done at the same time. But you're like, I'll just get it done in a decade. Unfortunately, sometimes the decade. You survived and lived to the point where you have to deal with it.

Yep, and now it's come up. The chickens have come home to roost. Is that a saying? Yeah. Do you think anyone's gotten an oil change and a wisdom tooth surgery on the same fucking day? So you drop your car off and then you walk to the dentist and then you walk to pick up your car?

Oh, not that. You. No. You doing it. I can't do that. Yeah, no. No, you shouldn't. And you shouldn't do that. car off and then you walk to the dentist and then you walk to pick up your car not that you know you doing it i can't do that yeah no no you should and you shouldn't do that you're not supposed to like drive afterwards you're like sedated yeah really yeah you're supposed to get like a ride home shit uh i didn't know that man i'm sorry i don't know why i suggested it it's not a big deal super irresponsible of me yeah give me the dirty I think I deserve it really that's and that's the first time I've ever asked for it uh yeah man that's it's uh kind of noble it might be the most little shit ever done on the pod yeah but in a way give it

to me i'm gonna close my eyes and you give me the fucking statue that i don't think i deserve when you want it like you're fine you you get the turdy but you actually earned it much earlier you earned it when you wouldn't say that the the tournament uh podcast okay that's when you were in the tour you've had it the whole show so congrats i was gonna say maybe there's a world where like the one thing keeping me from the golden mic was the fact that i never asked for the tourney yeah no it was that's not the case that's an interesting theory but you're that there's no that's i think that's your problem blumenfeld there's not any like there's no secret sauce to the turdy it's it's the award for shittiness and podcasting and you've

earned that and the golden mic is the award for excellence in podcasting and that's it there's no secret path to it there's you know there's there's no trick uh it's you just have to earn it that's that's it it's pretty straightforward and i've actually earned it over 500 times and i think that's pretty neat i think that's pretty neat. You think it's neat. That's pretty neat. Yeah. Congrats.

It's pretty cool. Oh, yeah. It's pretty cool. Is there something in your mouth? Are you getting your wisdom teeth out right now? Why aren't you talking normal what's that because i'm chuffed i'm talking a little little different because i'm a little chuffed about it and i'm humbled there's no way you're humble you're the you're so not humble

you give yourself a fucking fake award every week for seven years. How is that? It's not quite how it works. It's not quite. I give myself an award. An award is bestowed upon me when I've earned it. Raw. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. all right thanks for uh writing in your uh emails your theme songs send them all to if i were you show at gmail.com thank you for listening potentially watching and uh we'll be back next week for more of us you can always check out our patreon at patreon.com slash ja we got jake and amir episodes we got outtakes to those episodes we got jake and amir rewatch episodes we got it all we're starting we're dropping jake and amir's early on there sometimes too so we don't give a shit anymore we're sort of just like insane this year it's 2022 is about being insane Yeah it's going down over there And thank you again to Austin and Guillermo For this Mr. Bloom

Sky theme song Let's hear it on the way out Yeah Can you not fall asleep right now We need to talk about that disgusting habit that you picked up It's called butt chugging And last time I checked it wasn't disgusting Really have you checked recently

Nice And last time I checked, it wasn't disgusting. Really? Have you checked recently? Nice. A mirror is shining in the sky. Sky. No golden hike inside. I'm in trouble. NBA was in a bubble. You're the only advice podcast on the web Jake speeds down the avenue

Burning man starts so soon It's 7.30 and Demir has got his turdy His coy Jews together make If I Were You If I were you, what should I do? My ex is thirsting me on Insta If I were you, what should I do? Can my best friend give me a blowjob? BJ! If I were you, what should I do?

My ex is thirsting me on Insta If I were you, what should I do? Can my best friend give me a blowjob? DJ That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door.

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