Segments - 524: I Like Wordle

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

In this episode we discuss themed parties, fading away, and the greatest Wordle guesses of all time. If I Were You is now on YouTube as a video podcast! Of course the podcast will continue to be available as audio wherever you listen, but subscribe to the If I Were You channel to watch them every week!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. One, two, three, four. Jake and Amir, can I speak on behalf of every single one of your fans? When I say Jake, you're okay.

But Amir, he's our jam. And he's carried your essence day one and we'd do anything to get a mirror golden mic yeah we'd give anything to get a

mirror that golden mic. Jake, you stand in the shadow of a giant and proclaim that you're the one casting it. Your best material won't stack up against Amir's even on his worst day. He's the voice of a generation and you're the voice of a small, petty man. Do the right thing. Give Amir the golden mic. Damn, that was powerful shit. There's a reason that was a small acoustic ballad and not a song of a full band with a lot of backing.

And that's because there's only one guy in the world that feels like that. And you chose the song. You chose the song that would give him that bully pulpit. You tried to amplify a very small voice. So I commend you. I commend you. But I don't think there's that groundswell of appreciation that you're trying to convey.

And I note that because that was a very very minimal pared back acoustic track that was written by kevin actually nice who writes um i think i mean joke i know jokingly okay mirror i wrote your terrible song and you've been ignoring my invoices. Whoa. Not that I paid this guy. I recorded the lines you sent me verbatim. Give me the money you promised, you deadbeat butthole. Do you think it felt good to record this pathetic song? Quote, voice of a generation, are you kidding? You absolute hack.

I don't care if you pay me cash, Bitcoin, or fucking basketball NFTs. Give me my money, love, Kevin. Wow. All right right now it's all crystal i did not hear this is an ambush this is no he's setting me up this is i didn't actually ask him to do that he's like sort of reverse blackmailing me slash painting me into the corner you're trying to dodge payment man i'm not i didn't i never have nor will i pay for a fucking theme song that's not how we do it that's not how i forward me the invoice i'll pay i'll pay because i think all debts should be paid that's just the kind of guy i am

a lannister always pays his debts. That's right. That's right. I watched season one of Game of Thrones too. You know, it's good. It's a good memory. We got a lot of emails, tweets and stuff about Wordle. Have you been keeping up with Wordle?

We played it last week. I introduced it to you on the show. Since then, have you missed a day? No, I play every single day. I also, um, I, I, I found out that some people in my family played. So now we have a little family thread.

Now everyone's playing. Yeah. Text my score to you. Text my score to Jill. Um, we have the wordle slack. So I'm, I'm all in. I want to wait. How do I, I'm going to pull up my, um, my stats, my wordle stats.

Okay. I want to wait how do I I'm gonna pull up my um my stats my wordle stats okay have you I want to ask you when you like because we've gotten a lot of messages that like people are discovering the game I mean they had already known about it but they started playing through us so that's nice to hear um and um some people have been breaking my record my My goal used to be to get three. I've been able to get three. Now my new goal is to get two. And then some people are like, yeah, I tried it out and I got two. That's sort of like... The problem is they don't appreciate it.

You know what I mean? They don't get how hard that is. So I sent this, I think it was two days ago. No, yesterday. Yeah. I sent it to the Hurwitz Kids thread. Okay. Okay.

No parents. So you talk about crazy shit. Yeah, we talk about the parents. It's just the kids. Your dad can't see your Wordle score. Well, the family thread has people's significant others on there. Jill's on there. My sister's husband is on there.

My sister's fiance is on there. My sister's fiance is on there. So we, you know, it's just a wild thread. And it's mostly for sharing like photos of the new baby. And her with the kids. It's a Google share drive. It's a little more intimate. It's a little more intimate. So I sent, yeah, it was yesterday.

I told everybody to try it. I sent them my score which was three um three is by the way solid yeah pretty solid uh what was the word yesterday i already forget point it was oh point yeah point point i think so um okay okay so let's see um sarah oh micah gets it in three as well uh hannah had had been playing she sent uh four four out of six uh sarah first day uh five so i think that's what i got that's gonna happen i think that's what i got when i started too sort of an introductory you don't know what you're doing you're repeating letters yeah liza liza first day three rachel wow first day three look look at this distribution wait that all black and then all green yes she guessed it like the word was

so if the word was point she guessed like jams and or james or something didn't get any no words and then the second guess was point and nailed it yeah exactly she guessed i wonder what her first guess was i'm gonna ask her the first that's insane over five and then five for five yeah is that not wild and that was also her first time so i don't think she realized how insane she'll be like yeah well you know i eliminated five letters so like there wasn't that many options left. Yeah. No, there was. There was, and you'll never do that again. I wrote to her, that's insane. Is that your first time playing, Rachel? She responds, yes, it was. It was exciting, lol. No, not lol, actually. Not exciting. You hit a hole in one. I actually said it was insane, which is what it was yeah exciting is when

i find a dollar on the floor that's exciting insane is when i guess it in two after going oh for five on the first if i went oh for five on the first guess that sort of ruins my day i'm like great now i'm gonna get it in four instead of three or five instead of four yeah you really i did not want to turn around. Yeah. That's crazy. Crazy. Um, today, today was my day that I could have gotten to today's word was robot.

Yeah. That's your word. That's your favorite thing. I love robots. And, and then what was your first guess? My first guest. Well, let's see.

Hold on. I'll actually, Billy, uh, Billy Scafiri got to today. He sent me his two. Cause we've also been striving to get two. He fucking nailed it. You got two?

God. Yeah. See, my first guess was based. B-A-S-T-E. Based. So that's a zero. Well, no, it's two. It's a B and T.

Oh, wait. Oh, I thought you said B-A-S-E-D. Okay, wow. B-A-S-T-E. So you're getting two yellows. Yeah. And two yellows on the consonants. It doesn't mean much to get like, oh, yeah, your E and your A is on.

It's like, okay, well, that could be anything. So I knew that A and E were eliminated. And I had B and T. I should have gotten two. Yeah. If you just slide an O in there anywhere. Yeah. B-O-T.

That gives it away. Totally. And for some reason, I couldn't fucking let go that I thought there was going to be a U in there. So my second guess was tubby. So bad. So bad. T-U-B-B-Y. And I'm like, that's an insulting, it's like a mean word.

I like, Wordle is not going to put tubby in there. It's yeah, it's not. It's not the kind of word that is in Wordle. You have to be smarter, Hurwitz. Like, you know, you know, the types of words like, yeah. It's not the kind of word that is in Wordle. You have to be smarter, Hurwitz. Like, you know the types of words. Like, yeah. It's standard fare. Right.

Proxy was in there. Like, that's. Yeah, that's a little of much. But yeah, that's as crazy as it gets. Right. An X and a Y. Point. Yeah.

Robot's a little tricky because it uses the same vowel twice. Right. So you're like, what is the second vowel? Oh, wait. It could already be the vowel that I guessed. Yeah. So when I knew there was no A, E a e or u i guess i could have thought there was an i but as soon as i yeah that was my two that was my fucking it was that was a disappointing

yeah i mean twos twos can come in all shapes and sizes you either can get lucky with a couple greens and a yellow on the first guess, or you could pull the Rachel and just go from absolutely nothing to everything. The question really is, do you want a consonant-heavy word first guess or a vowel-heavy? I think I do tend to try to get vowels out of the way, but I wonder if it's a little bit smarter to go consonant yeah i mean consonants is kind of like high risk high reward like if you nail like a g and r and a t you're like holy shit i'm set up this is good to go right and somebody suggested i've been getting like

first word suggestions on twitter um and somebody suggested audio which is four vowels. So I tried that yesterday. I'm like, let me just get what the vowels are right away. And it was like gray, gray, gray, gray, yellow. Great. I tried the biggest vowel-iest word, and it just gave me one of the vowels in the wrong place. So I'm like, okay, that didn't do much for me. Now I feel like fucking burnt by that yeah i'll never use audio i'm gonna try chasm or rhythm wait rhythm is six rhythms too long um uh yeah chasm

then that's but you you do you let the word last word affect your current yes i guess like i do so you're like oh they wouldn't do like a robot-ish word today. That's correct. So like tomorrow you're going to guess like an A and an E word. Yeah. And I think, yeah, it was two days ago was point. I almost guessed. Oh, I think I almost guessed paste.

And I was like, you know what? It's not going to be paste because it was a P yesterday. Not thinking about proxy and point. Wasn't the proxy and point the last three days uh proxy paint and then robot yeah or point yeah robot wow actually avital did something that i saw some people do again on twitter which is using the last word of the day as her first guess and actually point gave her two greens because robot also had an o in the second slot and a t at the end yeah that is pretty smart it's just like almost using the game to help you out yeah

but i couldn't do that with with tomorrow's robot has two it's it's too random with the two o's i don't want yeah it's insane to guess two letters the same. Yeah. You have to have a variety. And then some people guess the same word every single time. But I'm like, you're sort of robbing yourself of the variety of two guesses. Like, I always do rates, and then I always do album or something like that. Yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't have fun doing that. And then it's like, OK. Yeah. Then it's like, you're sort of, it's like the Wheel of Fortune. It's like, we're giving you the same five letters every time the rst lne aspect of it is something i i tried i try to get a couple of those every single time the common ones yeah i tried bonus the other day it wasn't very helpful as a word obviously for proxy audio didn't really do much for me comet you know what else is you ever guess comet uh i don't think i have done comet maybe i have actually though

i think i might have um they should they should give you detailed stats like that like every word you've ever guessed that'd be cool or like the most common words, too, what other people are guessing. I do think I had two Wordle thoughts. One. Only two? Well, a few days ago, I was like, I went to one of those websites that lets you do the old Wordles. Oh, wow. And I was like, this isn't, it's not as satisfying. It's not nearly as satisfying because there's something about playing with everyone.

It feels like legit. And the one per day. Yeah. And then the other thing I was like, how someday will this get ruined? You know, like what could happen? Yeah, like what happened to HQ? Maybe you get to a couple times and then it's like, oh, I have nothing. This doesn't thrill me anymore to get to.

There's going to be some kind of like public leaderboard and you're going to be able to like get point, like what I don't want to see happen. I love that the score is just two out of six, three out of six, four out of like, that's it. But if you really need to like the distribution yeah the pattern breakdown yeah if you need to rank people then you know you you'd have to gamify how how many points you get like does what rachel my sister did does that get you a ton of points because you went from zero to 100 or do you like yeah do you get points for the you know the yellows the uh right i don't know or what if you try to draw shit with the yellows like i want to do it a big a with my yellows so that it's like an a standing on a row of greens

sort of wordle art that's good i would and i can do that if i know the word yeah i would do that as an nft let's that's cool let's start wordle let's start minting our wordle scores so you play wordle and it spits out the pattern and that's your nft and you can sort of buy and sell those that's right that's right and then another um a wordle thought just to wrap everything up is um god what was i gonna going to say? Oh, yeah. When do you play? Do you play the same time every day? Like, is it part of your morning routine, your evening routine?

Or are you just like, oh, I remember it in the afternoon? Morning routine. I think it's better for me. I've been trying to go to bed before midnight, so before the word even comes out. But even so, if I'm up at midnight, I don't want to start playing a brain teaser. That'll get me firing. That'll wake me up too much.

That's not a way to unwind for me to get stressed out and be needing that too, needing to see green. Oh, I just want to see green. And I've been doing the opposite. It's like 11.38. I'm like, I might as well stay up at this point and play Wordle. I'm not going to not play Wordle. Let me play Wordle.

What if I get a fucking two? I'll have some sweet dreams. Right. No, I use it to wake up in the morning. It's a very nice way to wake up. Now my point of pride is that I've never gotten a two, and I've never gotten a six. So for two weeks straight, I've either gotten a three four or five

i've avoided disaster but i've also not gotten the god i'll be so sad to get a six did i get a six you get a six when we first started playing or did i get a five i think i might have done it in six yeah but you were just you didn't quite know how the game was i feel like the first the first days of pass well i'm also if you're rachel you got it too right i'm glad that the first day is a pass. Except if you're Rachel, you got a two. Right. I'm glad that my first day was basically done on your phone, right? Or like a shared screen or something. Yeah, it was.

Yeah. So that's not even part of my public record. Yeah. What have you gotten in one? Would you be happy about that? Or would that be kind of a bummer that you didn't get to play Wordle that day? Whoa. Like if it

happened to me now yeah i would be thrilled i would be thrilled you'd be excited i would dust off the twitter i would go i would fucking i would fucking promote it on online for sure i would would you would you tweet a two no i wouldn't tweet a two i would only tweet a one i would it's almost we'd have an emergency podcast if i got a one but it's just a completely random lucky thing there's no skill involved in a one yeah i don't think there's more skill involved in like a hole in one than like a two under par you know that's why i'm i'm telling you like my no six forever is almost more impressive than getting a fucking two. That just means, yeah, you guessed joint when it was point.

Congratulate. Like, I'm not happy for you, Dad. Like, that's not a good thing. You have other shit going on. You have other shit going on that you have to unpack on your own time, not on the podcast. It was my birthday recently, actually. Oh, yeah, i wanted to ask you about that let's do it after they didn't get a text from didn't get an email from the old man

yeah yeah because he yeah that's because he came over and called me because his roku wasn't working i came over i thought it was like a surprise yeah but no he just uh forgot the the router extender password so it wasn't getting from upstairs to the downstairs tv and then yeah i ended up bringing a twinkie and a matchstick to a gas station so that i can toast myself on the way home yeah and i fucking ran into my mom at the gas with a bunch of her friends yeah they were filling up gas on the way to a mahjong tournament and they they laughed at me they ridiculed so they knew it was your birthday of course your dad maybe didn't know your mom knew and ridiculed you. Yeah. She's like, happy big, what is it, 4-0? Yeah.

Oh, my God, no. I'm 39. But the fact that you thought it was a bigger deal and you're still making fun of me is a real kick in the ass. Kick in the teeth. Yeah. Sorry to hear it. But other than that, it was nice. I got a Theragun. Not like an official Theragun, but like, you know, one of those hand mass, it was nice. I got a Theragun, not like an official Theragun,

but like, you know, one of those hand massagers. Very nice. From Avital. And then a recessed light bulb that had gone out. Cohen gave me a replacement one so that I didn't have to go to Home Depot. Those were like two huge gifts. That's really nice. That's really nice.

Yeah. Other than that, it was a one fine day, you'll look at me. My back does hurt. Yeah. My back hurts. I think you are 40. I'm getting that. I mean, I'm not.

I was always 83. You can look at the record. You can't change my birthday. I'm pulling up your passport from when you scanned it for our London trip. You were born in 1980. I'm 42. So you were wrong when you said I was 40. That's all I'm saying.

I'm way older than 40. That's right. All right. This is If I Were You. It's an advice show though slowly sort of trending into a wordle podcast which i'm not too mad about yeah definitely oh another wordle thing is that i stole your i love turtle gif joke and i posted it on twitter i don't know if you saw how well that did uh no i didn't it was uh it was a pretty big tweet. No, it was not.

How many? You texted me, I love Turtles Kid, but then with Wordle. Yeah. Then I sent it to the Slack, and Grayson, who's been doing VFX editing audio video for HeadGum, altered the GIF and made it I love Wordle. Then I posted that onto Twitter, and I think it has over a thousand likes. Correct me if I'm wrong. And that's good. Let's see. Oh, yeah. A thousand. That's pretty solid, yeah. Yeah.

I like Wordle. I like Wordle. Good stuff. The Jake Alleyoop to Grayson, and then I just sort of plucked it and used it. That was my other birthday gift for me. Wow. It's really... It goes to show you how viral I'd go on Twitter for my Schwimmer's Ear joke.

Oh, my God. Can you even imagine? Forget about it. Sitting on fucking coal. That's even more topical. Okay. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Josh. Let's take a break, answer some questions on the other side of these messages. Nice. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their

simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio,

the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments.

You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson.

Mom, I'm coming. bath pillow what's that bath pillow bath pillow bath so it drapes over your tub and sort of cradles your neck so that when you're in the bath you can have a pillow correct correctamundo we've been talking baths on here before we talk about baths i have a bath i got a when i was redoing this house i made sure to get a 21 inch uh soaking tub okay wow and that's just a bathtub when you say soaking tub it's the same thing right yeah i think they just like it's just about depth like your standard bathtub is pretty low it's like 14 16 inches so if you want to soak you want to have uh that higher wall like your hot your hands are like up here when you're sitting down in the tub

yeah not like this yeah exactly you can get pretty deep but the thing is when it's that deep it's it's got a severe you know head yeah lay my head back and I'm just kind of like, it's on tile. It's on the corner of the bath. It's not particularly comfortable. So I ordered. It's not perfect. No, but I ordered myself a little bath pillow and it's a real game changer. I could stay there forever.

I have a bath pillow as well as part of my birthday gift last year with uh that plank of wood the shower uh the bath caddy where you can put your ipad across the yeah the the tub itself oh i should get i should get one of those then it would just be yeah because it would be dangerous i'd never leave yeah if you watch an entire sporting event in there you really feel like a king slash lazy man yeah that's nice i did i watched an episode of The Witcher in the bath, but I put the laptop on the toilet and I kind of just turned my head to the side, which is nice, but it's not perfect,

like having it right in front of your asses. Man, wow. I'll send you a link to the bath caddy that was purchased for me for my birthday. Yeah, I'll probably cop that. It'll be my unsolicited advice next week. You're tossing salt in there, right? I'll occasionally Epsom, but not always.

Cool. Yeah, it's helpful. And are you... Imagine using a fucking waterproof Theragun in there. Yeah, that's cool. Are you, is it, how hot is it when you bathe? It's pretty hot. It not like uh lukewarm it's uh it's kind of like one below the maximum heat that i'll allow so you'll you're almost breaking a sweat yes no yeah i'm sweating in there because especially because the steam

rising cool and are you like i'm you're taking your foot out every once in a while to try to cool your body temperature. Occasionally, but sometimes the water itself cools and I'll have to replenish the heat. I see. All right. But you don't want to stay in there for too long because then you leave and you're pretty fucking dehydrated. Yeah. You've been like sweating for an hour and a half straight. Right.

Yeah. I think I usually do 30 minutes. Half a witcher. Oh, wow. That's pretty good. Oh, that's good. Okay. Let's try to answer some questions here um one quick wordle thing uh rachel i was gonna say we haven't talked about wordle for a minute rachel texted me back and told me um what the um what the first word was

okay weary wow w she didn't even eliminate a she eliminated three pretty obscure lot like wr and y were eliminated no way weary does not have an r yes and then so how did she get robot no the word was point oh right that was yesterday yeah eliminated w and r and then guessed point yeah that's wild she i don't want to accuse her of cheating because i know she's like a super decent good person but i don't see a world where she didn't fucking look over her shoulder at will her husband playing the game like oh i i guess i saw like an o and an i but like i didn't really know she knew she knew she knew i'm gonna add you to the her with him let me add you to the her with kids threads it's like hey amir's really happy for you he just had

a couple follow-up questions not a question it's an accusation it's a it's a statement actually that cheaters shouldn't feel joy forgetting that word correctly. Yeah. Imagine getting added to that thread and then instantly instituting a group FaceTime. Initiating a group FaceTime. Hey, guys. A quick side huddle slash group FaceTime just so I'm clear. Will, you didn't play the game. You didn't play the game next to Rachel. Okay, here's a question from, I guess let's just call this person Will

because he's a young man that does a fair amount of dating. Nice. He shouldn't be doing that. He's my brother-in-law. Hello, I'm Will. As a young man, I do a fair amount of dating. What I really need to know is what's the best way to let someone down easily? For context, I mean someone who you've been on, say, two to three dates with and don't feel it.

It's past the point where you need to let them know you're not interested, but I hate upsetting people. I myself have been let down after two or so dates, so I know how much it sucks. What should I do? Yours so sincerely, Will. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. sucks what should i do yours so sincerely will yeah yeah um okay it's hard because there's no like standard rule it depends on the dates it depends on how you know the person is it a friend of a friend is it a random tinder does this person reach out to you or like is she waiting on you to reach out to her if she's just waiting then you don't have to be like, by the way, let me preemptively say that I don't think we should date anymore. Wait, what's that? If she's...

If she's like not texting you and it's just like waiting to hear from you and you don't want to go out with her, I don't think you have to reach out just to say it's not going to happen. Like if she's ignoring you, you don't have to... Let's say you go on a second date and then there's no text messages after and you don't want to see her again. I don't think you then have to reach out and be like, hey, by the way, just so you know, I don't want to see you again. Because she could have been like, I don't I didn't want to see you either. Interesting. Yeah, I guess so.

It feels almost. I don't consider that a ghosting. Right. The ghosting is if she like texts you and you're like you and she's like, hey, that was really fun. Do you want to do that again? And you don't respond. I think that's ghosting. Ghosting is a no-go.

A mutual ghosting, I think you can feel that out. If you're like, I will say something if they ask me to go on a date. I'll say that I am not feeling it. But in the absence of that, I can kind of feel like there wasn't enough of a connection. But to Will, I would say that most guys on the apps are shitheads, and most of them are doing the ghosting thing. Most of them are doing the ignoring thing. So even though you feel mean being like,

I didn't feel a connection, I don't think we should go out anymore. That's actually not mean compared to most guys on the app. Like I equate it similar to like when, um, HeadGum is hiring and we always tell people, even when we're not going to hire them and multiple people have responded and they're like, thank you for letting me know. No other job ever even does that. Like, wow, I felt bad sending that and that's like baseline um so so i would just say that if you give someone like a polite letdown and just let

them know say i just want to be up front want to be honest um they can't be like fuck you for telling me they'll be they'll be like thank you most guys suck yeah. It's like going out on an audition. You don't hear anything before you hear yes. So it's like usually you learn the lines, say the things, they say thanks, and then you don't hear from the person, the company, the show ever again.

The last place that we pitched our animated show, we haven't heard back. So it's still alive. It has to be in the mix right yeah they must be talking internally to the point where when was our pitch was it october fits yeah it was no a little earlier yeah septemberish late september they had to i think we left the pages exactly we left the pages behind right i can follow up yeah to see if they ended up why it was a one page a one sheet respond just respond to the last thank you that we got and be like hey just nudging this to the top of your inbox hope you all had a good fall

i hope your autumn was rocking uh didn't hear back. Read the show. And if we do pre-pro, it's going to have to be soon because I have a lot of other emails percolating in my inbox, which is not at zero. Well, this is the equivalent of you reaching out to dump them, too, actually. Like, hey, just bump this to the top of our inbox. After discussing with Jake through the fall, we think it's not a fit. So we'd like to take our offer away from this network. Yeah, no, that's fair. That's good.

But the awkward moment is when a lady actually texts you like, that was really fun. We should do it again. And you have to say in no unsimple terms, yeah, I wasn't really feeling it as much as you were. But so it goes, you know? There's plenty of fish and all that jazz. Have fun. See ya. Yeah. I mean, dating is hard.

It's hard. You send and receive lots of texts like that. It's no bueno. Yeah. That's part of the game, I suppose. Mutual. It has to be mutually beneficial. Treat others no bueno you have to yeah that's part of the game i suppose yeah mutual it has to be mutually beneficial treat others the way you want to be treated unless you like being ghosted in which case you can assume that people don't like that because i learned that the hard way um okay here's another question about only fans we'll call this lady

fran only frans only fran writes i could use your advice i'm more or less perfect body wise We'll call this lady Fran. Only Fran's. Only Fran writes, I could use your advice. I'm more or less perfect body-wise, other than my boobs, which are well-formed but depressingly small. I can't afford it right now, but I'm strongly considering making an OnlyFans account to raise the necessary funds for a boob job.

I personally have no moral qualms about showing off online, and I kind of like the attention, but I'm concerned it might be, it might put off potential future boyfriends and or employers. Should I go for it? Seize the cheese and pursue my dreams of bodily perfection?

If so, I currently have very few fans in real life. So please help me come up with a USP and username to stand out. Do you know what usb stands for uh if it's a point i'm pretty sure though yeah i'm pretty sure that there are a lot of attractive women uh sharing nearly nudes for cash and i want to gain clout and make money uh or it's just going to be embarrassing if you suggest a username i'll definitely use it as i'm hoping your followers will check it out wow alternatively if you think i should avoid only'll definitely use it as I'm hoping your followers will check it out. Wow.

Alternatively, if you think I should avoid OnlyFans, should I just get both my nipples pierced to jazz up my tiny titties a bit? Best regards, OnlyFans. At the very least, I'd suggest trying the piercings first, because that's a lot less of a like a body modification. You know know you could take those out so yeah if that does the trick very painful yeah i mean to me as well but i feel like if if you're deciding between like surgery or a piercing yeah test the piercing and then if it doesn't do it for you, you could do surgery. But surgery is, you can't take that back. If you had to get a septum and or a nipple piercing that was in for a month, which one would you choose? Nipple, easy. Absolutely easy.

I would not, like, feel the cartilage of your nose. It's way, it's like way too rigid. I don't want anything going in there. Yeah, but like, nipple is like, nipple. I don't want anything going in there. Yeah, but like nipple is like nipple. That's a nipple. Yeah, it's a little bit of a pinch, but like I think there's enough fat there. I would not want – I wouldn't want it in my nose. I got my cartilage pierced when I was in college, and it was very painful.

Yeah. They did it with a gauge, though. I think I've talked about this, but they did it with a fucking gauge. Okay. Oh, USP stands for unique selling point, by the way. So how does Fran position herself in the market? How do you break through on the OnlyFans platform? I think there's a Harvard Business Review case study on this,

how to make yourself. What's your differentiation? The username OnlyFran is pretty perfect. Okay, that's pretty good. OnlyFran. on this how to make yourself what's your differentiation yeah the username only fran is pretty perfect okay that's pretty it's only for an only i know but it is hard because you can't be slightly ashamed because like you do have to promote it like you have to get on there's a lot of like tiktoks that i stumble upon that's like oh you like this there's more at my only fans and it's like you know this person is very out in the open and they show their face and that's why that's why i deleted tiktok by the way really the algorithm figured me out too figured me out too quick now you just

download only fans directly just main vein it um yeah it's, I mean, it's great that you don't have any qualms. And I would also think that like, this is, it's, it's a perfectly fine way to like weed out potential future, um, partners and employers. Like, I just want to work, work and be with people who are cool and like me for me. Um, yeah, but it is, you do do you definitely have to think about it a lot because are you have to be sure that um you'll be fine um not being with certain people and not working certain places because people are judgmental and they'll reject you for that and the internet is permanent you can't do it and delete it. People will probably cache it, find it, locate it.

But there's like two things. It's like, do I do it? It's going to make people reject me in the future. And how do I get more people to sign up and subscribe? You basically have to be okay with the public facing part of it. So more power to you, though. I wonder how much a boob job costs nowadays. What would you guesstimate?

I guess I would guess $2,000. Oh, really? I was going to say $10,000. I feel like you're probably right. Let's see. $5,000 per boob. How much is a boob job? Start serving you ads. The average cost of breast implants is around 4,500 and then it can range and then someone else says 5,000 to 8,000

and then typically five to ten thousand I feel like you're right then I think it's always more I recently looked up just out of curiosity like what a nose job actually does like because like on a skeleton you see like just like the bone of the ridge yeah then i'm like what what is the shape of my nose also how do they break it and reform it yeah to make it look better and it doesn't just look like a five-year-old like putting like play-doh together and hoping for the best like you can like choose to like it's almost like it should be done with lasers and like a 3d printer the idea of like a 58 year old guy just be like yeah i got you let me do this and move it here right i think this is what a nose looks like yeah like how do they possibly how do they have such control

so i watched like a youtube animation of what goes into that it seems so precise and difficult to do i can't imagine like an actual person doing it like cutting thin slices of cartilage and like moving it in and reshaping it and setting it and all this stuff yeah we thought it was hard to be a dentist oh yeah or your wisdom teeth by the way uh fine today i i like I can basically bite things now. It still sometimes hit, I think, where the sensitive part is. But I'm past the point where I think I have dry sockets. I spent like three days being like, do I have dry sockets or is this normal pain? And I think it's just normal pain.

I feel fine now. And then did you get to the bottom of the insurance situation? Yes. My insurance does not cover it they they don't cover it at all so that's like a they should have let me know situation yeah it was like they covered us as a really funny amount it was like 80 of what what the procedure would have cost if i had done it in network or something so So like, I think they, it was like $1,500 for both teeth and it, and they gave me like 56.

$56. That's good. Cause you're paying insurance too. So it's like, I'm paying out of pocket more than what I'm now paying. Right. Basically what you covered. Yeah.

But I don't, I don't blame them. $50 a month. I hate the dentist insurance, but I blame my dentist for this one because I did ask what it was going to cover and they said 80%. And they know with my insurance,

I've been going there for years, so they would have known that it's not in network for that procedure or whatever. They should have known. They just wanted me to do it. They're bad. All right.

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All right. Yo. One last question to rule them all. Good. This one is a late 20s female who I guess we should call Monica Geller because she was in her late 20s and a female. Yeah, that's right. time and vice versa. But one thing she loves to do is throw themed parties at her apartment and she works really hard to go all out and make sure that every detail matches the theme. The parties look really cool and everyone she invites seems to have a great time, but I've grown severely to dislike them. I don't like anybody who attends and there's not really much to do and my friend is busy cooking or talking to other people. was completely miserable at her last harry potter party and i left early the thing is she really takes it personally when people don't go she has cut friends out of her lives for flaking

on her parties and calls them quote fake friends and refuses to hang out with them outside of her parties i really don't want to attend these parties anymore, but I do value her friendship, especially as many of my existing friends got a new job and moved away. What would you do? How do I quit attending these parties without losing a really great friend? The parties themselves sound like something that Monica would throw. Yes, exactly. No attention to detail unspared.

Yeah, and good food and a theme how many themes can you even have yeah after harry potter you're down to like a few choice themes western sound expensive yeah right 80s classic 80s is good beach party yeah that's good actually all of these are really good themes. I might throw some parties. We should. Theme party, it really is. They're such like diminishing returns. They're fun if you do one.

Yeah. But you really, they lose their luster fast if you have to fucking get a new outfit every single month. That's right. I mean, I kind of relate to this person. I also dislike parties. And I definitely would never throw a themed party. That seems like all the work of a party without any of the joy.

But I guess if you get joy from hosting, then that's that type of person. Even holidays, like Halloween, I never got too into, but we had some friends that were like, Halloween is my favorite time of the year, spending weeks on a costume, debuting the costume costume and don't even talk about christmas oh my god forget about it just you've lost people over christmas friends and family alike but this is just like in addition to all the holidays we're also doing harry potter in march so you got to

come dressed whatever that's tough i mean it's also, it's kind of true that, you know, she cuts people out. If she loves this and she cuts people out of her life who don't like them, maybe the friendship's not meant to be. Or if you really need the friend, then it's worth it for one party every month or two. I mean. Yeah, we don't know how often these parties are. If it's every month or two, I yeah we don't know how often these parties are if they're if it's every month or two i don't think that's that bad can a party be so bad that you would lose a

friend over it depends how often these parties what if they're fucking bi-weekly theme parties yeah and the bi-weekly that means two times a week two times a week exactly a tuesday harry potter thursday back to the future event there's no way she could properly not even like right yeah ideally it's like harry potter and like lord of the rings so you can wear a robe twice yeah and once at 1 p.m right to dress like marty mcfly for a lunch if you didn't come if you fucking didn't come to my harry potter party you're a fake ass friend yeah and you know that if you don't like me at my Harry Potter party, you're a fake ass friend. Yeah.

And you know that. If you don't like me at my 80s themed party, you don't deserve me at my disco themed parties. Or my VSCO themed parties. That's right. Hydro flasks. TikTok dances. Yeah. Everyone's drinking out of a hydro flask. That's good.

I mean, you have friends that are into themes, into parties, into socializing. Yeah. And I think I always get a, I mean, the thing is no one that I know is like rigid about the theme. Like, I feel like I can always go not in period attire. Yeah. Are you more of a phone it in? Like, oh, wear a jean jacket and there, that's my 80s costume. Or are you more of like, I'm going to fucking buy a wig and face paint style party goer?

No, very much. I appreciate the phoning it in. Phoning it in. What do I have in my closet that could be athletic? For nine years, every Halloween, I was a black cat. That's the level of costume that I liked, too. I like a black T-shirt and a hairband with three whiskers of space paint.

You know, it's not even a phony thing. I think I'm a minimalist when it comes to dressing up. I really don't like an over-the-top costume. Like, even on other people? Or just, like, you don't like to be inhibited while you're... No, I can appreciate a costume. Just on me. I just like you don't like to be inhibited while you're no i can appreciate a cost just on me i don't i can appreciate a costume on on someone else yeah so i think as long as i'd be fine with theme parties as long as i wasn't expected to go all out but it

seems like that's not necessarily the case here would you ever slash have you ever done santa con god um i would have ever i feel like if i I had known about Santa con when I was like 22, me and my friends would have done it. Yeah. We were those kids from Connecticut. We would have been on the Metro North pounding beers, wandering the streets of NYC. But no, I, this year, Jill and I were like going to restoration hardware. And we like got on the subway we saw three people in a santa santa con outfits we're like oh no oh no it's happening we're already on our way into manhattan and then yeah imagine just like getting a price for a pull-out sofa and going outside and just seeing 19 year olds throwing up in the street in the packing district. Into their fucking beards. Yeah. Just so, such different life stages and moments right there.

Yeah. I guess this person could do a happy medium. You sort of attend every other party. You miss some, you come to some, you feel how badly you feel on the misses. You come up with some good excuses. Friend visiting, mom's sick, out of town. Line up your social calendar accordingly right i feel like

you can always dodge a couple attend a couple and you left one early that's fine yeah apparently yeah or did you call you a fake friend when you did that uh fake friend yeah for just for leaving okay we used to get like grief from some people not to name names like why'd you leave at 11 30 it's like i attended oh yeah yeah well i never got the why did you leave early because that's something you did yeah like you're offended that i left early i wasn't i wasn't that integral to the party i assure you i could oh yeah i know yeah i know the feeling i've definitely been i've been chastised for like irish exiting as well yeah what is that the party went on, everyone had fun.

You didn't, you woke up and you remembered that I wasn't there, but you didn't notice when I wasn't there when it happened. Oh, I love the Irish goodbye. That's, I feel like I did that even before it was popularized in Ireland. Like, what am I going to, go for the next 25 minutes? That's actually the Amir goodbye. Yeah. Telling everyone, see you later.

Yeah. Yeah, it's such a bizarre thing. They all know that everyone is absolutely— The Irish goodbye, that should just be goodbye. Yes. That should just be the goodbye. And in Ireland, it is. No one says goodbye to anyone.

No one says hello. I don't even—Irish hello. I just show up to a party and pretend like I had been there for two and a half hours. Mm-hmm. Yeah. When is the pizza showing up? I'll ask after the pizza had already arrived. Right.

Instead of Irish goodbye, instead of ghosting, we should say Irish goodbye. Yeah. Well, ghosting is the Scottish goodbye. I see. I see. I think I'm going to Irish good die. So I won't tell anybody that I'm slowly dying. I would love that. Yeah. I would love that. It's sort of what Norm Macdonald did. He Irish good die. So I won't tell anybody that I'm slowly dying. I would love that.

Yeah. I would love that. It's sort of what Norm MacDonald did. He Irish good died. Yeah. He like had cancer and didn't tell anyone. Yeah. Actually, I might tweet that.

It's a solid. Norm MacDonald, Irish good died. I don't know about that. Maybe Norm MacDonald would find that funny, but I feel like everyone else would. Yeah, I can hide behind that excuse. If anyone gets i could be like norm would have loved this and then he's also right and then you sound and then you drop his first name and it sounds like you were a friend and yeah right or i can save it for the next celeb that sort of sat on an illness yeah okay so if you see me tweet that down the line, don't be like, you had this in the bag waiting to go.

Just act like I just got it. Put this on draft right now. Yes. Blank, blank, blank, blank. Irish good died. Exactly. And then the draft underneath it is your one guess Wordle score, which I want to leak the news of before you even

get to tweet it. I want to basically tweet that with the gif, I like Wordle, and then you have to retweet it. If I ever got it in one, I would retweet, I like Wordle.

What do you think of voice? Voice is the first word to guess kind of a long shot but you're getting the o it's not bad i i just feel like eliminating the o and the i is not that impressive when it comes to the vowels and like what's then you know there's an a and a u that could that just like that just like, that's anything. Yeah. That's anything. Maybe eliminating, eliminating the while having an E is interesting at the end of the word. If that's, you know, how it shook out. It's really tough to say there's no real, I don't think there's an actual good strategy.

I bet there is like some algorithm that's like, actually, if you do these three words, you'll always get it in four or something like that. Yeah. Maybe on the margins you can do something like that. Maybe chasm is the goat though. Chasm. Chasm.

Yeah. You're only getting one a in the middle. Yeah. But you know, vowels aren't really that important. It's more of a consonants game. That's cool. Uh,

all right. Thank you for writing in. Thank you for emailing us that email address for everything. If you got a theme song, if you got a question, it's ifirewshow at gmail.com. As always, thank you for watching. We're now simulcasting these on our YouTube channel, the If I Were You Show YouTube channel.

So check that out as well. That's right. The link should be in the description to this podcast. We'll tweet it out as well. And for more videos of us, you can check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. Correct. There's more of us where that came from. Sweet.

That opening theme song, same as the closing, is by Kevin, the man who claimed I paid him to write this magnum opus about me. About this golden mic. Well, actually, you didn't pay him, is the thing. Yeah. You didn't paid him to write this magnum opus about me. About this golden mic. Well, actually, you didn't pay him, is the thing. Yeah. You didn't pay him anything. That was the problem. By the way, this golden mic was sent to me by Alex.

Alex Sexton, I believe his name is. So thank you to Alex for sending me the mic of gold. Yeah. What about a parody of Heart of Gold with Mike of Gold? I went to, i went to podcast with a mike of gold that's good yeah you should just do that johnny cash style yeah uh and we'll be back next week ciao everybody oh wait peace time to play the song every single one of your fans when i say jake you. But Amir, he's our jam. And he's carried your essence day one.

And we'd do anything to get Amir that golden mic Jake, you stand in the shadow of a giant and proclaim that you're the one casting it. Your best material won't stack up against Amir's, even on his worst day. He's the voice of a generation, and you're the voice of a small, petty man. Do the right thing. Give Amir the golden mic. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help.

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