Segments - 525: Mic of Gold

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

In this episode we discuss bathrooms, vinegar, and of course: Wordle. If I Were You is now on YouTube as a video podcast! Of course the podcast will continue to be available as audio wherever you listen, but subscribe to the If I Were You channel to watch them every week!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. I wanna win, but never do I've been a sucker for a mic of gold It's these awards that I never get That keep me searching for a mic of gold And I'm getting old

Keep me searching for a mic of gold And I'm getting bold I've been to Omsby Not yet to Chadron I've been by Coastal For a mic of gold I'm speaking my mind I think it's quite

Shine And I keep searching for a I'm speaking my mind. I think it's quite shine. And I keep searching for a mic of gold. And I'm getting old. Keeps me searching for a mic of gold. And I'm getting cold. Keep me searching for a micro gold You keep me searching and I'm growing old Keep me searching for a micro gold

Now I'm 40 with no mics in my home And I'm getting old Wow. Really good. I mean... You're a rambling man. Yeah, there was another minute of that. I guess we'll play it at the end,

but how much can we handle for an opening theme? It's really, really, what a song. What a song. Do you remember I requested a song like that last week? No way. What did you say? So I said, could we get a, instead of Heart of Gold, a Mic of Gold would be a good parody.

It's like, I guess a Neil Young song, where it's like, I've been to Santa, I've been to, I've been searching for a heart of gold. Right. So we got a bunch of theme songs. Wow. But that one sounded the most like Neil Young, which he turns out he's the guy who created, sings, wrote, performs that song.

Damn. Good for Neil. And now Neil Young is in the news. Did you see this? No. I think this was, I requested it before, but in the last few days, Neil Young was basically, it's like, if Spotify doesn't take Joe Rogan off their platform,

then they can remove my music. And then he, they obviously didn't, because Joe Rogan's a huge moneymaker, and then they're removing Neil Young's music from Spotify. Whoa. God, everyone should do that we could do that yeah but i don't think we're as influential we just have right yeah he has art of gold yeah yeah totally totally totally but that'd be kind of cool like influent yeah yeah we do it but nobody cares taylor swift just, Justin Bieber, all the big fucking money makers for Spotify.

We say we will not be on the platform unless you remove Rogan. Unless you remove If I Were You. What? What the fuck did we do? Do you think that would be good for business? What do you mean? For us? Like if everyone was like rallying us to our podcast.

As it's been. Right. Interesting. I think it'd be bad for business. Interesting. Why do you think it'd be good? Because like Bieber, Taylor Swift, and all these famous people would be talking about our podcast. And then listenership would be through the roof.

And people are like, I mean, this is not great. But it's obviously, there's no reason for them to be this upset. Justin. So you're saying, yeah. So you're saying, like, if people were railing against us, it'd be good. Because more people would listen. And people would be like, it's not that bad. Yes.

Right. They'd take our side in the argument. That's interesting. And they'd like the mic of gold thing i think yeah and then they anyway then they'd listen to this segment and they'd be like holy shit they called a beef with bieber like yeah kind of in a roundabout way but sure yeah interesting and then they'd hear that you said it would actually be good for us then they would be mistrustful of you then yeah bad then they'd he they'd watch

jake and amir bieber fever and they'd realize that i've been sort of yelling about bieber since he was 17 saying that i have giardia for that tween fuck i think did we just watch i think maybe we just watched this episode on patreon but um i was laughing at the line i wish i could say that it was one thing after another because what happened next was all at once. I don't know if it's in that video, but that does sound familiar. Shout out to our Patreon. Watch those videos.

I know it's a line. I just don't know if we watched it recently. But either way, good writing. So dumb. Antoine, that's who wrote this. He's from Montreal. Thank you to Antoine for coming up with that parody for us. Indeed.

I mean, not coming up with. That was, I can't, I'm sort of the mastermind. No, no, no. Thanks for being the instrument that I played. He's my guitar and he has a guitar, if that makes sense. You're a fucking ass. You're an ass. Did you ever go through a harmonica phase where you're like, I'm going to try to learn try to learn because you're into dave right he has yeah going for him dave doesn't play the

harmonica oh he doesn't no no but um you're thinking of i don't know blues traveler john mayer yeah maybe yeah he definitely doesn't it's not known that he would play it i'm sure he can rip a chord on the mon yes though the answer to answer your question yes i did purchase a harmonica i did learn to play the harmonica i was not good at the harmonica but you know you fuck around with it it's pretty it's a it's a fun little annoying instrument for everybody yeah did you get like a cheap one or like a fancy one that you have to like soak overnight and shit like that um cheap one just a cheap harmonica you know like a cheap one or like a fancy one that you had to like soak overnight and shit like that? Cheap one. Just a cheap harmonica. You know, like one of the classic ones that comes in the plastic case. Got it at Sam Ash. Shout out to Max Ash.

Now we're quite done with our shout outs. Okay. But yeah, I got a harmonica. Seeing this receipt you forwarded me, this is a kazoo. That's what you got. You got a little kazoo. They're tough to play. Tough to play. It's a hard instrument. That's why I said Dave Matthews never played one.

Actually, this guy, Antoine, wrote us in once, and he has a follow-up pup in addition to the song. Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Yeah, this is the guy from Montreal that was living with his ex while dating last April. As it turns out, he was able to date around and hang out at girls' places each time.

It was kind of annoying while it lasted, but he can proudly say that I live alone now and don't have these struggles anymore and bachelor life is going well. So there you go. Perfect. Good for us. Good for us. Good for him.

It's not good to be in like a bad week, but it's nice to overcome it. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. Like when you got your wisdom teeth out, you were having a pretty miserable time. Now that it's over, it's nice. Right.

Now, for the last 10 days, basically my teeth have not hurt for about a week now. And I haven't taken eating for granted at all. Yeah. And it feels good every time I bite into something. Right. And my teeth don't hurt or your teeth didn't hurt last month, but you never thought about it. Yeah.

So it really takes a toothache to make you appreciate eating. Wow. Right. That's a fucking incredible incredible line it really takes a toothache to make you appreciate eating that's not an incredible line i think it's because it's like it's almost like interesting in a way that's like you know you can take the good with the bad but it's actually the the write this shit down too it's actually the bad that makes good shit happen like yeah you literally can't i hate like this is like true it's pretty do you have my

harmonica it's actually really trite it's like i just don't think you're the first one to have this realization like there's so many verbalize it or oh there's so many. Just the first to verbalize it or? Oh, there's so many like, I mean, just the phrase bittersweet. Like there's so many people that have done and said this. Just not in this way. Better. You said it takes a toothache to appreciate eating. I don't know. You have to stand in the shadow to appreciate the light.

Something, you walk in the shadow to appreciate the light. You walk in the shadow to appreciate the light. There's like toothache to appreciate eating. It's really... Well, I'm mostly a melody guy. It's a little consequence. It's a little import. I think you're one of the last to have this kind of realization. Actually.

One of the poorest vocalizations of it that I've heard. Since I was able to sort of come up with the Mike of Gold thing, my next request for theme song is something about how you can only appreciate food after a toothache. I think that the fact that you are almost doubling, you're so. I'm circling back. You're so like disproportionately proud of yourself for what. That makes it kind of interesting.

Yeah. More interesting is what you mean. I feel like it really just, it shines a bright light on how, you know, it was middling to bad, and you're so happy with it, and you think it's genius. That it bumps it up extra. No, that it doesn't. It almost makes, it's a magnifying glass on you, the fact that you're so dumb and small to like what you like the amount that you like it. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry, I'm just thinking of a melody why i did it down yeah i think because that's in my head it's hard to like you know like when the song is playing you're like i'm trying to think of another song but i can't because this song is playing yeah don't think that you're the first person to have that realization. Actually, that's kind of interesting. You can't hear two songs at once, and it takes a toothache to appreciate food. Yeah, great. That's a good t-shirt. Really? No.

But we should sell it. All right. This is If I Were You, the only Wordle podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Got it in four today. Really? Did you see my distribution? Did you see my distribution? Maybe. I didn't remember it, just because it's all in the Slack, so they come in pretty fast

and fierce. If I may, it was ugly. Yeah, you can hold it this will be this will be old news by the time so you can actually show us the words yeah okay pluto wow how excited were you after that when i saw pluto i green and two yellows like and two yellows being like an o like one of the two yellows being an o that's pretty legit like and the u green so that's in the right place so we're looking at where the o is we're looking at three of five correct yep yeah uh and one actually where it's supposed to be so you're like and you basically had you basically you could have gotten it in two like there's no reason it could have been i thought that it was court or amount i thought that it was two i was like oh great this is is two. Because it's a U and an O. I'm like, I don't have any more vowels.

I'm only thinking of words with O-U-T. Yeah. And when I guessed court, I was like, there actually aren't any other words. So I've already got them in a checkmate situation. So this is my two. And then I saw the gray on the sea and i was like fuck and but i was like oh there's the green oh the green you and like i at least i i'm you know i have i've got right this you know the green tea and then i was like all right great

i'll get it in three and i'll be like oh damn consolation totally and i already had in my head what i was going to say to other people and i was going to say could have had it in two but i but i got it in three you know yeah and then i and then i hit him with doubt and it's just the exact same the exact same a gray and a gray that hurts yeah that hurts and at that point you start second guessing everything you're like maybe it's not even mount then maybe there's like so many words like this and this is like where this whole thing becomes a luck-based paste yeah um but i mean to get i those middle two were pretty ugly to me pretty ugly court and you do this did you do this last night or in the morning morning i'm a morning word

wordle player i had a very similar distro whoa that's a that's kind of nice to look at almost it looks like stairs yeah i know yellows crest so i started with crest i've been doing a new strategy where i'm sort of it's chewinging vowels. I'm trying to go maximum. I see. Because every word basically has one or two vowels. Blunt. Wow. Wow.

It's really interesting to get no yellows. Yeah. It's like if I got a letter, I got it in the right place. That's very fascinating. But yeah, I'm not, I started trying like audio and a do and all these like vowel heavy words, but like that doesn't get you much. Like the sound that the word makes is not as important as the consonants, you know?

I do think, I think you need, I think it's a consonant heavy game, but I do, I don't know. I try to just guess like, uh, three consonants, two vowels. And the nice thing, and what I have started trying to do is like not doing the wheel of fortune,

RST, L and E style. Yeah. Swing for the fences. See what happens. Cause I'm like, yeah, if I find out that there's,

right. If I see a P in there, if I see a G, like that's, that's pretty good. That's that's pretty that's a huge that's a competitive advantage too yeah pluto is interesting because that's that's a proper noun that kind of yeah changes the game it is weird that pluto would have been but maybe they took maybe it became improper noun when they took away Pluto from being a planet.

It's an old planet now. I think you're not playing the official wordle. Yes, I am. Pull up the app again. I'm going to see the website. It's just fucking letter blocks. You're cheating. I like woodle.

Nice. you're cheating i like woodle nice um i want to know your your uh history what's your distribution history i'm five five four i was pretty proud of it until yeah i used to be like that no twos no sixes and then i got a six recently and uh it's humumbling it's humbling and it wasn't a proud moment especially because i was my goal which is should be your goal is to get a two before a six you know like you want to hit the promised land before you fail i think i mean two is just i don't see how two is attainable to me yeah you got to get a little lucky you got to narrowed it down like pluto and then you narrowed it down to three words but you would have had to get that and then also i would have had to guess now first but like jesus grayson um oh wow look at that ignore that one that was me sort of cheating for a tiktok video i so i'm getting yeah eight threes eight fours that's good

i think four fives and a and a six actually yeah i mean i think you just want to be in a position where you have more threes than anything else because i think yeah i mean that would be great yeah three really takes talent yeah because you're able to sort of navigate and see through the looking glass and be like, okay, if there's a you there, an O goes here and figures shit out. Yeah. But Grayson, somebody that works at HeadGum, has gotten like two, I think three or four times. Three times this week.

Yes. Like, that's insane. Yeah. And like, after one yellow so it'd be like as if you like guessed i don't know um i can't even think of a word that has one yellow for mount um yeah amends or something and it's like oh one yellow mount yeah got it excuse me it's crazy no you don't get to guess that and he's done it multiple times so it's you can't think that it's a mistake at this point the dude's good i've never been more jealous in

my fucking life but yeah threes are good i i tweeted today that if you get a four you might as well not even share it that's a non-score it's like i'm i'm breezing there's nothing interesting about a four i got a a four today. I should know. It's fine. Four is just like the last one you can get without being embarrassed. Yes. I think five, you're like, fuck, I'm mad. Six, it's just like.

I'll tell you what was interesting about the six was the fear of that last pull, knowing that after that you'll have failed the game. and that's an that's a shameful place to be i don't even know if i could i don't know what i would do in that situation a full 0 for 6 you know what is that i mean that in theory that's in play like i got these like unt words are there would there be like three other guesses i could have done before mount maybe like i could have done count no you you knew that the c wasn't around oh yeah the c is out um yeah i don't know it's uh i keep vacillating back and forth between like this game is a game of mostly skill to this game is a game of mostly luck to maybe it's some sort of combination of both.

And that's what makes it so interesting. Yeah. I think that's, I think it is a little bit of both. I think it's also interesting that you can only play once. He's like really cracked a code. It was like a, an antidote to something that we didn't know that we needed.

Do you see that the article thatyle sent that had that interesting fact that the pool of words you can guess, like Pluto, and one time I guess Bluck, which is book with an L in it for some reason. You can guess those words, but it would not be in the possible words that they could use. Oh, wow. possible words that they could use what do you oh wow how like i played some like off-brand wordle just for practice and slash fun and like the words that they use are like officially words but like are so hard that i like would rarely get them like fiverr was one of them so i guess fixer and finer and fifer it's like no it's actually fiver, which is technically a word, but people would never get it. Yeah, it's like a Scrabble dictionary where you just put down any random, you're like, oh, I think clast is a word. Exactly.

I guess technically, yes. But if that happened on Wordle, people would be upset. Like Wordle specifically chooses words that are much more generally known. Like even the word knoll got some people upset i see so yeah people are so it's it's luck skill and the guy made it easy the guy is helping us out because he's getting like he's getting us to guess where most of us are winning the game you know and it just like, oh, you've won 22 in a row. But it's the distribution that matters, obviously.

Of course. Does Jillian play? Yes, she does. Does she ever get a two? No, she's never gotten a two. Jill gets either sixes or sevens. Wow! That's truly the meanest thing I could have said.

She's good. She gets like, I think she mostly does threes and fours. There is not even a seven. That's how I know you were lying. Yeah, no, she is good. Everyone I know plays now. Yeah, I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one that hasn't gotten a two. Yeah, dude, you and I both. i guess now i just want to beat you

to two that's really what matters to me yeah to get a two i don't even know if i'd be able to go to sleep after that yeah that's what i play in the morning see it sort of energizes you but then if i got a six in the morning i'd have to just go back to bed regardless of the day it does i it does ruin your day if you if you do bad there was a there was a day of this week that i got five and i was like my fucking my day's ruined i'm in a bad mood to start yeah that's probably why you got five yeah how about this for a risky change uh if you guess a word that's not a word it brings you to the next row instead of like oh no that's a free pass you know what i mean oh yeah instead of the shake so i should penalize you when you guessed blook that was a real word yeah i was like it was one of the ones where i was like on my fifth or sixth maybe or i'm like

i don't know what the fuck this word is so like i'm like is this a word i was like and then it took it and it didn't really help. I'm like, wait, wait, wait. I was just sort of guesstimating. And then I looked. It means like half blog, half book or something like that. Wow. That's fucking, can't believe they added that.

Yeah. Somebody said that they were able to get whack because they used chasm, which is a word we recommended. That's good. that's very good i should start following my own advice that's yeah yeah that would really give you whack well now i can't use it because they they recently done well they could still do chasm so now i have an opportunity to get it in one are you gonna go uh pluto tomorrow or you're like this is my chance this is the best most fruitful pluto tomorrow or you're like this is my chance

this is the best most fruitful pluto could have been and it still wasn't good enough i usually guess my first word based on what the word the day before was interesting so today's was mount yeah so i could theoretically do it's like an ea word or something like that yeah i think something like that i probably wouldn't use eu and it's never a four letter noun with an s at the end i believe yeah i've been able to eliminate that that that's smart because i there was a time when i was doing that just because i like basically couldn't think of a five letter word but i wanted to like but i wanted to like yeah but i wanted yeah you know you want to get those a couple of the consonants out and you're

just like oh well fucking think of an s i just toss an s on that yeah uh all right let's take a break thank some sponsor and come back and actually answer questions right right right right this is not just a wordle podcast you have to do other shit too thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties,

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then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lot sooner than I can... Mom, I'm coming!

Gross. We both do. We both do yeah our friend and friend of the show ben schwartz is in a television show and it's actually pretty awesome if you can believe it yes yes yeah it's uh apple tv's new show the after party um and it's got a ton of funny people in it, including Ben, who's one of the main dudes on the show. I watched the first three episodes yesterday, and it was great. I have not watched it yet, but I can't wait. And I love Ben. So I will follow this unsolicited advice.

Yeah. And if you like him and our show, you'll definitely like this show, because it's basically a pretty unfiltered version of Ben. And every episode is like a different retelling of a murder mystery. And depending on who's telling the story, it's a different genre. And Ben's episode is the third episode and his is a musical theater rendition of the telling of what happened. So it's Ben singing and dancing multiple times throughout the episode wow all

right oh yeah can't wait to watch uh but it's like ben and sam richardson dave franco ilana glazer ike barinholtz just a real yeah tiffany haddish solid show uh so check that out they're not even paying us well actually he did invite me to a virtual premiere and they sent john and vinnie's to my house and gave me a link to watch the first three episodes on my computer. So in a way, they did pay me. That's awesome. Hell yeah.

But the food showed up a little late. Oh, my God. And I was like, when was this supposed to get here? So how do you know it was late? Because they were like, we'll give you a link to the show which of course came on time digitally transferred yeah thank you for that the food was supposed to show up between four and seven and arrived at 7 15 not even that it arrived at 7 15 and it was john and vinnie's very good very good it's delicious

and that's in hollywood it's in west hollywood isn't it you live pretty far from there i think so i think it was a i don't know timing wasn't right timing wasn't right and it was tacky 15 minutes it's tacky that you called them out it's you're being tacky right now so yeah check out the after party on apple plus cool uh all right should we get to some real q's and a's here it's about time i don't know how we've become the the wisdom dispensers for shit related questions but we got a bunch of shit related questions so here's the most interesting one perfect a 25 year old guy from manchester uh it says my two friends share a flat together and have recently moved from a place where they each had a bathroom to a smaller flat where they both had to share one the problem is that at one point in his life one of my friends discovered the joy and hygiene benefits of giving himself an enema in the shower with the shower head he turns up the jet

setting hovers it near his sweet ass and fires away i haven't seen it in action but from what i can gather he pushes it a little bit uh so that any of the shit that's hanging out of his cavity or tag or any tag nuts are forced down the swirl of the train he claims that he bleaches out the shower after every deposit my other friend is now alleging that he stepped into the shower to find leftover bath that hasn't been drained away naturally he's furious but the arsehole cleaner maintains that uh this is impossible as he systematically clears up the evidence my feeling and the feeling of a non-enema housemate is that it doesn't even matter if he washes it away or if residual shit was left you can't just leave shit in any part of the flat

that isn't the toilet ass blasters counterpoint to this is that it's microscopic amounts of poop in the first place and it goes down the drain and all ends up in the same place anyway he also argued that it's no different from hocking up phlegm in the shower what's the solution to this is the enema enigma filthy human for letting his fecal matter drop out or is the other guy being way too prudish in the face of minimal shit. Okay. Wow. I mean,

we shared a Jack and Jill bathroom. I've definitely used a hand. I mean, you wash your ass in the shower. I don't think that that's like, you wash your ass. You have to wash your ass. Like wiping, wiping isn't enough.

It's not like you clean your ass when you wipe on the toilet. And then in the shower, no water should touch your anus. It's not like you clean your ass when you wipe on the toilet, and then in the shower, no water should touch your anus. It's like, the wiping is, that's a band-aid over the wound of, you know, you need to clean the fecal matter from your ass, and that's something that happens in the shower. So, I think that the way this is worded is really making it seem like we should be on the side of like, hey, don't shit in the shower. But I think we're just talking about like cleaning your ass in the shower. And that's in line with what you're supposed to do in the shower. Yeah, but this guy's using it as an enema, wherein there will be literal flecks of shit.

He's getting loose with that definition, I think. He's using the hand shower more as a bidet than an enema, which I think is fine. That's fine. If he's shoving the tube up his ass and flushing his cavity, then yeah, he should stop that. Because you'd have to be cleaning the actual shower head at that stage. But if you're just using the spray to clean the A, then that's okay. That's okay. Yeah.

But if there's residual, I've never seen shit in my shower. No, this guy, I mean, it depends on what kind of drain you have. If he has a graded drain, then I think that's no bueno. But if you have the raised, you need to have something where the little, the dingleberries can flush. Why do they slow that down? Every drain is a pretty open hole. And then it's like, wait, but we want to make sure that it doesn't drain so fast. So let's make a grate or make want to make sure that it doesn't drain so fast so like let's

make a grate or make a little raise so that it goes slower i think that's so you don't piping no i think it's for like for things that you don't want necessarily clogging your drains like hair going down there you know i see yeah you want you want a garbage disposal. Right, exactly, yeah. So that's why. I see. But I think that just the little duties can go down. This guy said he's bleaching it afterwards, which is probably more than you have to do. The question really comes... I doubt that, by the way.

Right, yeah. He's not bleaching it after every use. I think that you... Unless he meets his ass right you basically have to be like you don't have to bleach the drain every single time but you do have to do a once over and make sure that there's no shit there but i feel like this guy just divulged too much information about how like if you really knew how all of your flatmates showered i think you'd be everyone would just be mortified what people do in the bathroom is their private time and ignorance is bliss like when we shared the jack and jill bathroom you used to jerk off onto

the mirror write um your name and feces on the ceiling, you would... You rarely saw that. And I would bleach the ceiling after every use. Yeah, I've shared a bathroom with you for a while. I could always hear what was... Both of us, we could hear what we did in the bathroom. Did you ever share a shower or bathroom with dave rosenberg yes yes i did yes so you've you must have seen some terrible things in there

yeah i mean the the the bathroom that we shared in brooklyn was so nasty and i like at some point we like i can't remember what was broken, but something got broken so bad. Like, he broke the, I don't know, he broke, like, the water tank behind the toilet or something. It was just so foul. Yeah. It's not fun to have roommates in a bathroom.

Roommates are fun in the rest of the house, but bathroom roommates are no good. Right. in a bathroom roommates are fun in the rest of the house but bathroom yeah it's are no good right so this guy are you on the side of the shitter as long as there's no shit or are you on the side of the guys like you can't do anything shit related in the tub i'm on the side of the shitter you can't police what people are doing in the bathroom like that and you're you are supposed to clean your butthole in the shower so anyone that says they're that that's not allowed then like that person that's saying that is either a liar or has like a really dirty butt but i guess they are talking to us from the uk so maybe they're

they've got the bidet in the bathroom which in that i think in that case i think the bidet solves everything here like if you get the bidet you, you never have to spray in the shower. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, a bidet would certainly be helpful. I think we could recommend that. But barring that, I think that cleaning your butt in the shower is fine by God. Yeah.

But I wouldn't want to use a bidet in the shower. I would say that goes too far. It's too much spray. There's too's too much poopoo coming out for sure you have to get it out you have to get it out it's better a shower enema and you can forget about using that bathtub ever again there's no way i'm using a shared bathtub yeah i mean that's the that's the other thing i think you just know that like if you're sharing a bathroom with a bunch of roommates, it's going to be a little nasty. Yeah. Uh, all right. Let's take another break. Thanks to more sponsors and come back and answer more questions after these massages. Right. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an

audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it.

It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this

point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one,

build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase

and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Okay. Another bathroom related question. I guess people are using their toilets a lot recently.

Good. And this one's from Sweden. Have you ever been to Sweden? No, but I'd love to go. Have you ever been to sweden no but i'd love to go have you ever been to scandinavia norway finland sweden any of that stuff um i get i've been to copenhagen denmark yeah that count that's pretty good i'll give it to you great is denmark part of scandinavia is denmark part of scandinavia i think it is i think it is yes that's correct judges ruling allow it okay here's a question from sweden though okay we'll call this guy dane cook though nice because maybe he is a Danish cook um I'm studying my last year of uni in Sweden

since I myself am Swedish makes sense uh last weekend I was at a party with due to a COVID uh a limited guest list nevertheless I managed to woo the hostess and things are getting hot however it was quite a small apartment of only 32 square meters, so we can't really do anything while the other guests are there. The night goes on, plenty of drinks are had, and so are the laughs. At around three, people are starting to leave and it is finally time. I'm about to stoop a dime if there ever was one. Before everyone has left, I go to relieve myself in the form of urinary procedure, and when I finished, I start to look around to wash my hands. And I accidentally look in her mirror, which doubles as a sort of cupboard or cabinet which was wide open, as well

as containing normal items like toothbrush and deodorant. She also kept there a half-full 70 CL bottle of apple vinegar. What the fuck? For some reason, this was so weird to me that I left without doing the rumpy pumpy. I made up some bullshit reason about being too drunk, but the girl was nevertheless disappointed. She said so outright. Since that fateful night, I've not been able to shake the experience out of my head. Why the fuck would she have vinegar in her bathroom? It was neatly placed and everything. It wasn't there by accident.

After the night in question, the girl and I have met at lectures and the such, but she does not act as into me as she used to. Not ignoring me or anything, just slightly disappointed. So my questions are, is she off the table? Never to be blessed by my phd in cunnilingus should i explain to her why i left in hopes of her having a good explanation and why the fuck does she have vinegar in her bathroom thanks samir i think you're great love dane okay you were you overthought this a lot like you just, I don't know why she had it, right?

But my brain, I just said, it's probably some kind of like face thing or hair thing. There's lots of like homeopathic, like granola type things like that. And I just Googled. Yeah, like a shot of apple cider vinegar helps digestion or some shit. And I looked up apple vinegar hair and it looks like it's like, there's a,

it's a way to help dandruff and stimulate hair growth. Yeah. Can apple cider vinegar benefit your hair? We talked about this on the show about how vinegar, and I made a tiktok about it how vinegar is just like the result of every life hack where it's like if your toilet

isn't clean try some vinegar if your stomach is upset have you tried vinegar like put some vinegar in your hair like what right don't use don't use windex just like mix water and vinegar it's yeah so just assume that it's fine just assume that she has a good reason because like also what's the bad reason for her there to be vinegar in there like assume that she has a good reason um but absent of that like what's the worst case scenario what could what could it possibly be this is like a seinfeld episode where you'd be like this is this is too much why does he care that much that she has vinegar she would he would still have want to sleep with her at the very least yeah it's it's yeah it's not a big deal uh clearly yeah so you don't need a reason or need

an explanation and hopefully she still likes you even though you're a very small-minded petty individual there's a plethora of reasons for it and even absent any of the reasons it's still fine you fucked up wow let's see how big 32 square meters is 344 square feet well so yeah that's not very that's not very big that's like yeah smaller than a studio apartment yeah it's like 20 by 15 yeah but it's like a dorm that's that's sweden you know like that's gonna happen there like everything is kind of compact and expensive because like yeah when you're in stockholm like a lot of the flats are like built in such a way that like maximizes efficiency with regards to heat because it's such a cold weather country and if you can like pack

them in tighter and charge just as much because the price of lumber there is really expensive because it costs have you been to ikea have you been to ikea it's the mom meets the strat meets the scars guard okay yeah you know how they say like guinness tastes better in ireland in sweden ikea is a fucking west elm the stuff is made so well everything is so expensive and so nice it's all real wood balls are a meatloaf and i in ikea in sweden and the lingonberry is boysenberry when you're in the ikea oh actually i'm just looking it up ikea was um ikea was created in new jersey that makes sense he just gave it yeah just gave it a swedish name to sort of seem right foreign and interesting kind of like haagen-dazs it was made in cranston yeah made out of the leftover of a different furniture store

ikea was they stopped naming it halfway through a word and then just people assumed it was swedish that's so cool ikea i had no idea that's my next uh for that's my first word in Wordle next time. Let's see if it's available. I'll check on my computer. UK Archive. They should also let you play old Wordle games. We're on 220. I bet there's a website that has it archived.

Yeah, I think there is. Because I started at 200 or something like that. Yeah. Ikea's is not something like that. Yeah. Ikea's is not in the dictionary. That makes sense. That absolutely makes sense. By the way, the guy that made Wordle is from Brooklyn, right? Lives in Brooklyn?

Oh, I thought he was British. Because it's like a British website. That's what I thought too. But I was reading, let me see. Somebody sent an article about it. But it had too many words in it, so I couldn't read yeah his name is uh wardle isn't it is that true yeah josh wardle a software engineer in brooklyn knew his partner loved word games so he created a guessing game for just the two of them wow just the two of them yeah um i don't know it doesn't say anything about him being in the uk also it's on a website called powerlanguage.co.uk slash wordle what do you think is going on on

powerlanguage.co.uk oh wow it's this guy's it's this guy josh's fucking personal website he's he's standing to gain from this this isn't just like a fun little thing well how could it gain we're doing it's free he's yeah but he's that's if he started charging if he was just like you know what wordle wordle costs 2.99 a month i'd pay it yeah i have to yeah and he deserves it but it would make people upset yeah well what he should do is make wordle pro like all right this daily word will always be free and then you can have unlimited wordles for an extra 2.99 a month make yeah i don't 10,000 people would sign up for it. Yeah, we should talk to him. We have a business idea.

That's why I think he's not American, because he hasn't ruined it with cash yet. It just seems like a very British thing. He's like, yeah, it's free and it's popular, and that's fun for me. I don't need anything else. I have everything I need, mate. That's why I'm going to fucking hack this website and make it so that it makes me money power language take that josh josh wardle i created place and the button reddit

and more recently wordle he he did stuff before wordle we should have this guy on our podcast would he i feel like he ward. He'd have to ward. All right. On the day that this podcast comes out, I'm going to tweet at Wardle. Ask him to come on our pod. And I need everybody to fucking jump in,

like, comment, retweet. Oh my God, you have to. Make us seem like really fucking big deals i'm gonna fucking i would love to just ask him to do uh chasm as the as the word one day this week or next week so i'll get it on one that's yeah i wanted to ask him about like the origin of the game and like how you can ask him about whatever game. You can ask him about whatever you want. You can ask him about whatever you want. By the way, I already know the origin.

His wife liked word games. He made it for them. I read the New York Times profile, Wardle. I loved it. What do you say? Oh, he also had a Times piece. He also had a Times piece? That's cool. I'm sure I bring that up.

Me and Josh. You were quoted. Me and Wardle have that in Cardle. You were quoted. To be in the Times. You were the lead. To be in the lead. I'll give you the lead.

But you did not have a piece. You did not have a piece. You had a quote and you were included in the piece. It was an op-ed. It was an op-ed. And I want to say that... Does everyone know that your Slack name since then is New York Times' Amir? Amir's changed his name on Slack to be New York Times' Amir.

Yeah, and it's just an interesting way of letting people know that I was the lead. So if people join the company, they'll get that. And people have. We've had like three new people join the Slack and you just welcome New York Times from here. It's actually, there's an apostrophe so it's the New York Times-ism here. Yes, I know.

Obviously I'm not the entire newspaper. That's a pipe dream, but I'm closer than most nonetheless all right thanks for listening thanks for writing in uh theme song submissions questions all of that can go to if i were you show at gmail.com uh and of course these are being recorded uh as video now so you can watch them on our youtube channel if i were you show i think or if i were you on youtube yes let me see what it's called specifically yeah youtube.com slash i guess if you search if i were you on youtube

you can watch these you'll find it you'll find it it's easy and it's good even though it's hard for you to find right now but yeah you have to search if i were you on youtube and then soon we'll have a vanity url believe that yeah yeah uh and more of us on video uh we're watching old jake and amir's on patreon.com slash j a yeah uh all right let's play this entire theme song but we're not going to stand here and just listen to it again we'll uh fade to a graphic but you guys can stick around and enjoy it again it's antoine's mic of gold did he have anything to plug this guy i'd hate for him to have this amazing theme song uh no all right just to follow up about living in montreal with his ex uh okay okay thanks thanks Antoine. Thanks to you guys for listening. See you next week.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. I win, but never do I've been a sucker for a mic of gold It's these awards that I never get That keep me searching for a mic of gold And I'm getting old Keep me searching for a mic of gold And I'm getting bold I've been to Omsby Not yet to Chadron I've been to Omsby, not yet to Chadron.

I've been by Coastal for a mic of gold. I'm speaking my mind, I think it's quite shine. And I keep searching for a mic of gold. And I'm getting old. Keeps me searching for my gold You keep me searching and I'm growing old keep me searching for my gold

now I'm 40 with no mics in my home and I'm getting old That was a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen

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