Segments - 526: Crawfish Boil

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

In this episode we discuss eating on dates, eating without plates, and having sex with pets in the room.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Is it a rough spot that you're going through? Are you distraught, just a little confused? Well, if I were you And Jake and Amir will give you their spin

They've heard it before and they can help in a pinch If I were you I'd email him. Damn, that was beautiful. Big ups to me for doing the vocals on that one. And who, I mean, we want to shout out the guitarist right there. We actually know that singer-songwriter. We've used her work before

as a co-pro. Does the name Audrey Scott ring a bell? Yes! Oh my God! Blast from the past. Austin's Audrey Scott. Is that right? That's right. And her band Sick C.

Sick C! Is no longer her band, Sick C. Sick C. Is no longer a thing, she says. So you can mention the new band, Hex Boyfriend, which is a Hex BF band on Instagram. I'm going to follow them right fucking now. That's a great name for a band. Hex BF band on Instagram. Do you like Hex Boy boyfriend instead of ex-boyfriend yeah that's incredible it's it's a great great name and full disclosure folks i didn't do the

vocals i feel like yeah i just feel weird robbing audrey of that honor. It's more something I would do to a one-off theme song submitter, not a day one friend. And I actually humbly accept the turdy for this episode. Wow, really? Because I should have done that to Audrey. And I will take a posthumous golden mic for coming clean and for awarding myself the turdy for that act of service. Sorry. You're giving yourself the turdy. Yes. Right? You're getting hot. And it kills me to do so. It kills me to do so, which is why I'm accepting a

posthumous golden mic. It's the least I can do. Posthumous as in like after your death or like after this episode? After my death. So for this episode, you get the turdy. I died and went to heaven. Yeah. And so does anybody get the golden mic? I got the golden mic.

A posthumous golden mic. I don't want to make this about me. It's about hex boyfriend and, and the, the act of bravery that I committed by, um, accepting by coming clean, really by apologizing by myself before the pause.

Right. Let's move on. Namaste. Let's move on.org indeed. Got a lot of emails letting us know that Wordle, after all of our hooting and hollering about how they're indie, they're cool, this guy's not in it for the cash, he's not American, sold to the New York Times yesterday.

So we timed that up quite interestingly, actually. That's correct. They jumped the carp. If I can be perfectly candid, I believe that Wordle has jumped the carp. Really? I'm selling my Wordle stock. That's right. That's right.

I'm out. I think the game is toxic i think we that's actually a really good starting word that's right that's right um but yeah i i think that i think they're gonna they're gonna try to fucking monetize this thing. And it was beautiful and pure the way it was. It was beautiful and pure. I don't begrudge Wardle for getting his bag. You have to secure the bag. I agree. I don't think I,

and I think that Wardle saw the writing on the wall. He secured the bag. And I commend him for that. And for that reason, I am out. Wardle and I are both out. You know what I mean? He's handed over the reins of the sold and now you're also yeah the question is is is it going to be part of this like is there like a new york times gaming app i heard there was like other word games and they're folding getting into the fold or something they i think they said the new york

times said they're not changing anything for now keyword being for now they don't want there to be an uproar like oh hi we just bought everyone's favorite game and now you have to use the new york times app to and it might even be free like they might but i think they're gonna bring it onto their platform there's no way that they just let it continue to be power language.co.uk or whatever it's going to be like download the new york times app wordle is free and then everything else you click in the app that's that's where they they want you do you have that gaming app that new york times gaming app there's like a bunch of games that yeah some of my friends play um i i don't jill jill has it jill loves it i it I I think I talked about this but I subscribe to the Times

I get the papers on on the weekends but I don't support their online endeavors I think it's trash to be perfectly candid wow

so you're down to pay for the journalism but you don't want to pay for the game you're not paying for the wordle I don't like what I don't like the New York Times online presence at all. I think they've-

Because they put things behind a paywall? They put things behind a paywall. They've spoiled too many television shows and events for me. I think that their email behavior is suspect. And yeah, I think I'm a Trump supporter when it comes to the New York Times. That being said, you are a subscriber. That being said, I do give them my cash and I support journalism. And I like the Times, but I just don't like them being so online about it.

So do you continue your wordling while it's free or do you plant your flag now? I'm the first one out. I'm going to keep it up because I'm going to taper it off because right now I'm on some family text threads with us sharing Wordle scores and it's cute and it's light and I like it. It brings me closer to the family. But I will say that our Slack channel has gotten toxic. The Wordle Slack channel. Let's not name names, but that's really interesting to hear that. Yeah, it's you for sure. It's you.

Interesting. two that opened my eyes to what Wordle could be and the people that I wanted to surround myself with. Let me finish. No, go ahead. Following that up with another two put me on this sort of God complex that I couldn't shake for the better part of a week. So yeah. All right. I'm glad I let you finish. I'm glad I let you finish because you said it yourself that it gave you a God complex. Here you are today at 11.26 a.m. That's 11.26 a.m. my time. So I guess 8.30

for you. I feel like you're just from bed. I'm feeling hot. You said everyone should get to experience a two. I wrote back And I feel like that. I really do feel that way. And then you said, that being said, it would have happened by now. I have to justify it. If it were in you to get it.

So much of this is caps. You said, I'll repeat and notate where the caps are. It would have all caps happened. Sorry, actually, it would, all caps, have happened, uncaps, by now. If it were all caps in you, lowercase, to all caps, get it. And then all caps does, the rest lowercase, that makes sense. And then you add, Jake, that makes sense. And then you add Jake. You added me. Because you weren't going to respond to that.

I was sort of subtweeting you and I wanted to let you know that that was about you specifically and not anybody else. I respond, this channel was sweet and supportive once. You've made it a toxic place. You respond. You use that word a lot yeah because there's no other way to describe what's happening you say later jake leave and then all caps leave jake and i really felt that way that day like but before this before thisika, bless her heart, made a little spreadsheet where she tracks everyone's score. So there's a winner week to week, which is not why I play this game.

Honestly, I love that, obviously. I obviously love that. I love the spirit of that. I don't like the spirit of that. It's to quantify everybody's results week over week to see if there is, in fact, a winner and a loser, which is something I would want to do but wouldn't have the gumption to actually do. So I'm glad Marika took the reins and made that happen.

People share their scores in the Slack channel, but not necessarily to be... Yeah, it's casual. So it's not necessarily sharing your score to be tallied up for the last several weeks and show oh she backdated she backdated it yeah she yep so it's like oh your score for this week was a minus 13 yours is a minus yeah um so yeah i think that i think did i win week two i mean yes i won week two like i'm not going to apologize for that. It wasn't even my math.

Marika told me that I won, and I was happy to have it that way. Did I follow that up with a week three victory? Yes, because Grayson took the last day off, so it allowed me to come back. That was fun to have. It was nice to chart my progress and to win a trophy of sorts, a golden wordle in a way. So I was happy that marika did that would you be as upset if you got the twos if you got the weak wins we'll never know yeah but do you continue to play the game and send it to the slack or are you putting your foot down i'll could no i'm

gonna continue i'm just gonna loudly complain about it um and i do think at some point it'll i'll taper off completely i believe when wordle moves to the new york actually no i i can say with certainty whoa when wordle moves to the new york times app if they do so i will not be making that migration i will will not be downloading the New York Times app. Even if it's free. Especially if it's free. Even if it costs money. If it costs money, then I want in. Because that makes it exclusive.

And when I post my score, that means that I can afford $3.99 a month. Yeah. Because I'm rich like Darnley. They said he got over a million dollars for it. They said low six figures, which is... I thought low seven figures. Oh, sorry, yeah, low seven. No, no, low seven.

So, yeah, so it's over a million. I don't think it's just one. I don't think he lets go of it for less than one after taxes. So I feel like he's getting two seven. That's my guess. Which is pretty insane considering it's not like a game he invented.

I guess this has been a game show on the Game Show Network called Lingo, where it's basically this game exactly. It's based on a board game that people have been playing for decades called Mastermind. He just made it slightly different. And the Times were like, we'll give you a million dollars for this version of it. Yeah, but they're not paying him for the game. They're paying him for the users.

There's millions of people using it every single day. That's right. Yeah. I wonder if it would work as a six-letter version. Like, we're going to run out of five-letter words. No, we're not. You think six letters too much? Yeah.

And I don't think we're going to run out of five-letter words. All right. I think six sort of opens it up to, because I've sort of conquered five, so I'm wondering if there's like a... Let's see, how many five bigger challenge are there there are more than 158 000 five letter words if we're always only once a day i feel like you know even when you start getting um in the in the 600 range you can circle back no one's ever going to be like oh wait this was this was an answer two years ago i can barely remember last week and i'll never forget noel

yeah unless no yeah what about sharp it's a pretty solid opening one have you changed your strategy at all um i did start doing like very patriotic ones. I do proud and brave. Just in case the time sort of wants to reward that behavior. I did cucks and Trump. I think together they sound overly patriotic, but individually you could imagine Brave being one. I tried Eagle and Golden Eagle.

Golden Eagle didn't work. Yesterday was very funny, I can show you. You did today's, right? Yes. So my first guess was often, O-F-T-E-N. And then I was just like filling in random sounds for the second one. And I accidentally hit enter and it like entered the word. I'm like, no, no, no, I didn't mean to send that.

So my second guess was toper. Oh my God. The E was in the same place. I obviously didn't mean that. Oh man, I hate when that happens. I hate that shit. I didn't gain anything. Wow.

Fortunately, I was still able to close in on those. So that basically means like you should have been able to get it in too, because Topher didn't give you any new letters. I guess he gave you a different- Yeah, all it told me was that the T, it started with a T. Right. Which was nice. Right. Which was nice. Right.

Which is nice. And it shows you that your O had been in enough places that it needed to be. It's not going to end in the O. Yeah. But the E wasn't a helpful nudge. It wasn't a good clue. And I didn't mean to actually write. And you also would never guess toper.

Like, that's not going to be. Right. Toper is an example of a word that they will allow you to guess, but would never be the word all of the day. Yeah. And that's why... I know you're not on Twitter, but I submitted my name to be a wordle writer. I think I really have my pulse on what would be good words and what would be bad words, you know?

Yeah, Cucks is pretty fun. Yeah, Cucks is good. This is what I submitted to Wardle in case he was looking for writers. I wonder if he'll still, like, he's sort of the mastermind behind it. Will he continue to be the guy that comes up with words? Yeah, we don't know what that deal structure is. Like, it feels more like he would be like, yes, you can have this

for two million dollars and i'll walk away forever because i don't care yeah or he's like no you're ruining it i would never do right or is or is it like able you're gonna give me two million dollars and i come and i'm gonna work at the times and i'll be a wordle guy i want a wordle team that's cool he has a times employee does Wordle work for the times? Yeah. Like, does he come up with new games now? All right.

This is my list of words that I think would be good. Wordle words. Okay. Potentially good guessing words too. Yeah. Time. T-H-Y-M-E. You know,

what's funny? I, I tried time today on today's clue, which is those. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you got green, green, clue, which is those. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you got green,

green, gray, gray, green. Um, I believe I did. Let me look three greens on the first guess. No.

Oh no. It wasn't my first. Sorry. It was not my first guess. Um, Jesus. Could you imagine if it was, that would have been fucking so good.

God damn. Uh, yeah, this, that's what happened. Brave. Brave. Shoot.

Yeah, time. There you go. Yeah. I thought it was a good, I was like, oh, there's no way it's not time. Because those just seems like it's too easy. Yeah. Like when they did could last week it's like not even a word i think actually with i could in those um that those are pretty lame words i miss knoll i miss crimp um but i like i like that it's not just always a noun that's five letters

yeah yeah that's that's fair so you're you're saying time would be a good one. And I proved your point by guessing it, thinking that that would be in line with Wordle. Seven. Not bad. Not great. Not bad. Zebra. Better. Better.

Graph. Pass. Comet. Comet, which I think we've talked about before yes i often guess comet remit kind of get people a little upset what is that word a little four letter it's a little tacky by the way tacky would be good and lastly handy nice handy is good i like hand sort of an And lastly, handy. Nice. Handy is good. I like handy. Sort of an homage to jumpy, but a little different.

Anyway, Wartle, if you're listening, we love the opportunity. And he is. Actually, seven and eight would both be good ones. Numbers is five letter words. That's why I don't think that numbers are... It's not clean. I don't think that numbers are... It's... It's not... It's not clean. I don't like it.

It's sloppy. It's not in the spirit of the game. No. You wouldn't understand. You're always trying to bring math into shit. Because you've been

playing for... You love fucking numbers. Yeah. Marieke also shared the number one. What about Quake? Quake's not bad. bad yeah we haven't had a q1 in a while have we had a q1 since i don't i've never seen a q1 for since i started playing

i think we had query ones but maybe that was before your time we would have been yeah uh all right thanks for the word will catch up, everybody. Hope you guys are playing for now. For now. Before this entire thing is over. Until it's just canceled. Slash ruined. For selling out. All right. Let's take a break.

Come back after these messages and answer some questions. Damn right. Oh, I should say this is a Fire Reel, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Josh. I'm Amir. Thank you to Draft draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash if I were you. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to the podcast See The Thing Is for sponsoring this episode, a podcast hosted by Grammy award-winning R&B artist Bridget Kelly and media personality Mandy B. Every week, Bridget and Mandy offer grown, honest, and slightly toxic perspectives on all things music, pop culture, and of course, love slash dating slash relationships. So if you have a hard time finding new music, or perhaps you're a millennial that misses life in the early 2000s, or you're interested in multiple perspectives on relationships and dating, check them out. See, The Thing Is is a podcast

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Oh, it's a little bit. Mom, I'm coming. Those crows. Yeah, I do actually. Visit your local tailor. Tailor? Mm-hmm. Tinker tailor. Okay tailor okay what like to get clothes hemmed whatever sorry excuse me a visit to a local merchant is what i'm saying no you didn't you

said visit your tailor cobbler will do so you're saying no i i'm i i here's what here's what i've been doing um buying clothes on the cheap second hand and then having them tailored to me rather than ordering clothes online um so what kind of clothes are you buying secondhand and having tailored? Jeans, for one. Jeans. A pair of denim jeans. I also went to a store in Brooklyn that sells, it's almost like workwear. You know how workwear is kind of in right now? But I have skinny little legs.

So basically a slim fit pant will look loose enough on me. But I went to this store where I bought a pair of Carhartt pants, and then I had them tapered at the local tailor. Tapered meaning to make skinnier? Yeah. Yeah. To make them a little skinnier, a little shorter, to fit my legs perfectly. It's not that expensive.

How much was it to tailor versus the price of the pant? It was less to tailor. I think it was $17 to tailor the pants. So you're saving money if the pant is cheaper than that. Yeah. If I bought nice Carhartt pants on the Carhartt work in progress website, they're like $150. Instead, I bought them for $27 and tailored them for $17. It's funny.

Pants have changed style since I bought a new pair. Like, I don't even know how to begin with pants now. Everything is kind of baggy again, right? That's right. So like your tight pants, I'm wearing kind of tight pants right now. And I feel self-conscious when I do. I feel they're out of fashion. Yeah. And, but now, like, pants are, like, high-waisted and, like, almost, like, bell-bottomy. Like, they can be tight to your knee and they can, they have to, like, go out a little bit. Right. And I'm not gonna do that

because that's too much. I look weird when I do that, but I'm at least gonna, I think during the winter, I think during the winter, I think during the winter, it's a weird time to wear the tight jeans. In the summer, you can still pull off tight jeans because you're wearing a t-shirt. You're not wearing a ton of clothes, but I think that like tight pants with, at least here with like a big puffy jacket and a hat and gloves, you look, I don't know, like Humpty Dumpty or something. It's like top heavy. Yeah, it's weird. So anyway, yeah, I would recommend,

especially if you're buying the bag of your pants, because you want them to fit your body and not everything just fits your body automatically. Yeah, I haven't been to a dry cleaner in so long. I can't remember the last time I wore nice clothes and had to dry clean them. Yeah, yeah, I have not been to a dry cleaner in so long. I can't remember the last time I wore nice clothes and had to dry clean them. Yeah. Yeah. I have not been to a dry cleaner in a long time either. But the tailor's different. They just make your clothes fit better. When was the last time you put on a tie?

Hmm. The last time you wore a suit. I think I, why did I, I wore, oh, for New Year's, I wore a suit, but no tie. And then. Has it been years pre-pandemic since the last time you had to put on a tie? I think for the NatPod finale, which we streamed in like May of 2020, we all got dressed up and I believe I wore a tuxedo. But I can't remember well I can't remember if it was a tuxedo or like a suit but either way I tied a bow tie oh okay so yeah two and a half years ago one and a half years ago yeah I guess so I

guess so it's been a while I wonder if that'll have any implications in the world of fashion slash how we feel sociologically putting on nice clothes again when we have to. I think I always liked dressing up when you got to. It's like, it was like a rare treat, but now it's even more of a rare treat. But people are like having weddings again

and you have to go to funerals. So there'll be an opportunity to wear a suit soon, whether it's a happy or a sad one, you'll be in one. Yeah. Thankfully, we're having a lot more funerals now. So we get to like dress up, wear like nice suits and stuff like that. If you miss tying a tie, you'll tie one sad. Here's a question we got, which probably rings very true for you.

I can't eat in front of dates. Yes, quite true. This is from, let's say, famous restaurateur Wolfgang Puck. Nice. I have a problem Jake will be able to relate to, right? It, Wolfgang Puck. Nice. I have a problem Jake will be able to relate to, writes Wolfgang. I cannot eat in front of dates or new people in general. This goes a little further than Jake's thing because I get physically sick with just food slash the smell of food in front of me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

What are some ways to avoid food dates p.s do you think matt damon ever gets a two in wordle and doesn't share it in the group chat wow um i don't think he plays wordle that's that's really cool yeah i don't think he's i think he tried it once he was was like, oh, this is interesting. All right. Yeah. I got it in three. Okay.

What else? That's really cool. You see, Damon is actually getting flack for seemingly the first time in his career for doing crypto.com commercials. Everyone's hating on him for doing those. Yeah. He gets flack kind of a lot though, actually. He puts his foot in his mouth a decent amount. The Matt Damon that we talk about on our podcast is different from,

I think it's a different one from the one that actually exists. He's a dad now, so he can be slightly embarrassing. Yeah. I mean, it was easy for me for years to avoid food dates. So I think that's, that's, it's no problem. You just you just if if a food date is suggested you suggest something else often just start your dates later if someone is

like oh yeah like should we meet somewhere at seven you say uh i can't let's meet at like 8 30 or nine and then you'll you'll arrive having had if you just plan your dates to start later, then dinner, it doesn't even become part of the equation. Yeah, it's more of a drink situation. Yeah. And then also, I mean, the not being able to eat because it makes you physically ill in front of people seems like a different issue. Maybe you could consult your trusted doctor.

Yeah, because how do you eat? Or do you only have meal replacement shakes? Right. Do you, or like, are you not, you're like, okay, eating alone and eating in front of people makes you so nervous that it makes you nauseous. Yeah, is this a psychological problem? Something you can solve in therapy And eating in front of people makes you so nervous that it makes you nauseous. Yeah.

Is this a psychological problem? Something you can solve in therapy or something you have to get through with a nutritionist? I think part of the thing that made me nervous about eating in front of people was that I'm a very wolfish eater. I'll eat fast and a lot. And I like to put a lot of food in my mouth because I like the way it feels so so you almost can't eat slow yeah politely and with small bites mouth closed often like taking your time yeah it's very hard for me to do it's very hard for me to do and I think to do it it takes such a such a level of deep concentration that it made me feel like I was off on the dates because I'm like, I'm thinking too much about eating. So another thing that you could do is basically

eat a half meal before you go out. So when it, this is just if you have the same issue that I do, but you eat a half meal. So that way you're just not that hungry when the food comes out. You can eat only a portion of it. You can eat it very slowly. And it's, you know, that's nice. Did your family all grow up like wolfish eaters or everyone's a very polite eater and then there was you and they just couldn't get through to you? Everyone's normal but me.

Even Micah's pretty normal. I'm the only one that eats fast and a lot. Maybe it was because I was such a picky eater when I was young. I'm trying to like make up for lost time now. Try to like shove food into your mouth because there's not a lot of it that you like. Yeah. And I used to like, I would like jokingly blame it on the fact that there were a lot of kids in my family and we all had to like, you know, fight for the food at the table but the truth is i never ever ate what everyone else was eating i always had my own food and i was so picky so you had your own trough of penne with butter right my mom made pasta i would have butter noodles on the side

you couldn't even have this red sauce that's right yeah i didn I didn't like sauce. I used to, like, my mom would make pizza, and I'd peel off the cheese and wipe off all the sauce with a napkin and then put the cheese back. And I used to make sure that she watched me. Oh, mother, you failed yet again. Saucy. Tsk, tsk, mommy. I requested a white pie, mommy.

Wiping it on your shirt. Uh-oh. Spaghetti-o's. Looks like I have to do the laundry again, mommy. And don't use bleach, mother. You know my skin gets irritated. So smart for an eight-year-old. jesus how do you know so much about home ec uh here's another question about food okay 24 year old from utah cool um

mormon joe mormon tana writes uh my birthday tomorrow. I'm turning 24 and I'm throwing a crawfish broil tonight with all my buddies. The problem is no one is wanting to pitch in and help me out with the costs. I mean, give me a fucking break. It's my goddamn birthday and I'm having to pay for everything. Should I throw a pussy fit and send out a Venmo request from these fuckers? Or should I just swallow the costs and have some fun with the boys for my birthday? Also, fuck you, Amir. I just figured out all your prank wars were staged anyways much love um do you like crawfish broil yeah yeah that sounds great now you do but growing up oh no yeah no i know i think actually for some reason when i was like 10 11 or 12 i did find out that

i liked shrimp so i ate it a lot yeah you could have that but like crawfish shrimp cocktail that's like oh wow that's like that's a pretty intense process thing i was like break these like fish and suck the meat out yeah yeah there's some shell cracking i believe yeah i would not i'm not into that at all i don't know if it's because i grew up without eating that stuff but that stuff kind of grosses me out now right i think i mean in your culture crawfish they're looked at as bottom feeders you think they're yeah i'm not i didn't grow up eating lobster and shrimp and all that stuff and like the crawfish is just, they like just dump it out on the table, right? Yeah, I mean, I think it depends.

I think that's what a crawfish broil is. Let me look at the picture real quick. The corn part looks good. I'm seeing crawfish boil, not necessarily broil. Oh, really? He was writing broil. What is a broil versus a boil? Well, a boil is cooked in a pot.

A broil would be a broil versus boil well a boil is cooked in a pot a broil would be cooked i guess uh in a broiling is when the oven is putting the heat down from the top so it seems kind of crazy that you'd be broiling the crawfish yeah so it is a crawfish boil that's the one with like the red the red fish and corn is in there and random potatoes. Yeah, and lots of seasoning. Oh, hell yeah. I could get into the potatoes and the corn. I don't necessarily care for these giant mollusks. They certainly look like cicada bugs. So you have to just kind of like steal your mind

to not think of them as insects of the sea. But they are tasty, so i'm able to do it there's always some moment like the the crab ones that's where that's where like um we have to like rip off the shell from the top like hammer it you have to hammer it yeah that always starts to feel a little nasty but i like the way it tastes so. Yeah, if somebody can debone it, that would be great for me. Right, if you just had a plate of crab meat that had been picked, then you'd be happy. You don't mind the way it tastes. And can I just do the corn?

I really just want the corn at this point. And don't bleach my shirt, please, mother. Can you invite people to a birthday dinner and expect them to pay? I mean, the thing is, he's what, he's turning 24? Yeah. I think people just get more mature as they age. It's like, now, if I'm going to someone's birthday dinner, you would be like, oh, you don't pay, it's your birthday. But it's hard to teach a group of 24 year olds manners. I don't think

that it's unreasonable of you to ask. I don't think it's unreasonable of you to throw out a Venmo request, but I think that there's a very real chance that everybody's going to be a little dickling about it. And you're just going to have to wait until your 26th, 27th birthday for your friends to be cool. Unless youulate beforehand hey guys i'm having a crawfish boil for my birthday and it'll be 38 a person are you in yeah i yeah i mean i think anybody find like anybody being like fuck you you can't fumble thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have

also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think., Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right.

So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do request me and then you just like send a photo of the receipt it's like okay so this was all on me i just fed you guys i spent two hundred dollars on shrimp yeah that's i'd be it would be basically you're so firmly in the right that it'd be crazy if they denied you that said they might so 24 year old guys can be like

that yeah but the positive is that you're still 24 and that's cool so like you have to pay for crawfish but also you have six more years of your 20s so like take the good with the bad what you can do is as your friend's birthdays come up you take them out you say hey like it's easier it's an easier position uh to to convince all your friends like hey it's johnny's birthday we should all chip in for a nice dinner and then that way on your 25th birthday, it's been a year of everyone chipping in and it comes back to you. So you might not be able to kick off the theme

with your own birthday, but you kick it off with the next guy's birthday. And then by next year- But that's hard because it's like, they didn't pay for mine and now I got to break the cycle by paying for theirs. That's not that hard. It's just the first,

it's the cycle, it doesn't start with you, it ends with you. So it's not the cycle. It's like no one got their 25th, 24th birthday paid for. We started at 25. Have you been to Red Lobster? Yes. Is it good? I thought it was very, very good when I was and I haven't been back since. Yeah. Mass chain restaurant lobster. My brother said that he went relatively recently, like within the last few years, and he said it was very good. I remember their bread is kind of special.

Yeah, the cheddar bay biscuits. I'm sure it's not as bad as people joke about it being, but it's probably not that good. It's in line with Applebee's or Tgi friday's or chili's i'd imagine i used to think that chili's was the best restaurant in the world and i've been to chili's since and it's not yeah now i know applebee's is the best then t TGI Friday's, and Chili's is third. Nothing's better than that. It's sort of friendlies. As you grow up, your taste palate gets refined.

I had dinner at a Chili's, too, because I have high class. All right, let's take a break. Thanks to more sponsors. Answer some more questions after these words. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. How would you like to have the best night's sleep of your life? Nothing more important than good sleep. And if you're on a really old mattress, it might be time to upgrade.

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I don't understand how that works. You get blood results, and it's always, yeah, you're low on vitamin D, but everyone's low on vitamin D. Okay, so why don't you just expand the range of what's normal for vitamin D? If everybody's low on vitamin D, isn't that the new average? Anyway, you also get five free travel packs with your first purchase. So just go to athleticgreens.com slash ifiwereyou. That's athleticgreens.com slash ifiwereyou. That's athleticgreens.com slash ifiwereyou to check them out.

Treat your body right and add a fun, delicious thing to your daily routine. That's Athletic Greens. Thank you, athleticgreens.com slash ifiwereyou. And we are back. Jake, we got one last question. Let's do it. This one is about pets and sex.

Very cool. Very cool. So we'll call this person, who's a 23-year-old going to school in West Virginia, Kevin Pitsnoggle. Cool. I remember Pitsnoggle. That's right. Kevin Pitsnoggle, an old I remember Pitsnoggle. That's right. Kevin Pitsnoggle, an old West Virginian basketball player, I think. Yeah.

I'm a 23-year-old going to school in West Virginia. Have you ever been to West Virginia? It's one of the few states I don't think I've ever been to. I have been to. Yeah, I've been there. Road trips. I've never specifically tried to go to West Virginia, but I've been there multiple times. West Virginia is where he's from, and I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now and recently got a cat.

And one day my girlfriend tried to initiate sex while the kitten was still in the room. I said I was uncomfortable and didn't want to have sex. Fast forward a few months and a few more times of me not wanting to fuck while this animal was in the room. The cat situation was recently brought up in an argument as ammo against me. I guess my question is, do you guys have sex in front of pets? And on a scale of one to fun, how bad is it that my girlfriend uses a time when I didn't consent to having sex against me? She said no to sex, and I never bring that up in an argument, let alone use it as leverage. Thanks for your help. P.S. Jake was one of the few people to ever pronounce my name right

on the first try during a miniature painting stream. And that's Golden Mike worthy. Well, wow. I already got the posthumous Golden Mike today, but I'll shower them on myself. Yeah, I'll take one IRL as well. Thank you. That didn't even happen on our shift.

Yeah. Well, tough. Yeah. It seems like there's a lot of baggage in this email. Like she used it against me. I never use this against her. Can I use it against her? I like the idea of ammo.

She waited a year and brought it up. Well, I mean, that just means that it didn't sit well. And I think that that's not necessarily – the idea that resentment comes from a place of hurt and shame. So you have to think about it like whether she's right or wrong, that probably was a blow to her ego. That made her feel bad. And she's bringing it up now as with as ammo and that makes you mad but if you go to the root of it it's pain sadness hurt so you that should at least allow you to be a little more compassionate i'm not saying that she is right to bring it up i'm just telling you

where it's coming from uh part number two I think you can have sex in front of a cat or get the cat out of the room there had to have been some other reason that you didn't want to have sex I think the cat doesn't need to be in the room unless you live in a studio in which case you have to have sex in front of a cat

have you have you been frisky slash amorous in front of a pet before did it bother you did it matter yes i've had sex with like a a dog fucking trying to kill me because they thought that i had sex with a dog let's cut that part out let's actually clip it out quite frankly grayson if you're listening let's do it from uh i had sex with a dog yeah and then back is 45 seconds if you're listening, let's do it from I had sex with a dog and then backwards 45 seconds. If you want to get me completely out of context, you can say I had sex with a dog trying to kill me. It would still work.

I'm saying I had sex with a woman while her dog was kind of running amok, being like, you're hurting my owner, which I was not doing. It was normal. I resent the dog's accusation, and so did she yeah i'm i'm saying like um i don't know yeah uh i i think that you can have sex in front of the animal have you not ever had sex in front of an animal uh i'm sure i have it's funny because our dog for whatever reason like senses when frisky behavior is afoot and leaves the room and he never leaves us alone like for i don't know how we trained luke to feel the quiet shame of needing privacy but he like it's just polite he it's weird like he doesn't ever leave us alone and it's's like, oh, something is happening.

Right. I'm out. And then as soon as it ends, as soon as it's over, runs right back in. He senses this. He knows when you climax. He runs back into death. He knows when you're awake. He's like Santa Claus in that regard.

I feel like you can kind of make a pet by pet um call on this because like if a um i feel like if if the if the pet is engaged like watching then it's a little weird but if the pet is like indifferent it's fine yeah it's just you should there's different levels of pet in the room is it like a cat in the corner staring at a wall or is it like a dog who's like trying to get in on the action, like humping your leg while humping has happened? Yeah, and that's – also remember you're in charge. Like I guess the question is really about like was she right to bring this up? But in a way, I don't think she was – I don't think it was right to bring this up in a different argument to be like throwing things in your face. That's never a healthy way to argue um so you wait till things cool down and you and just talk about how you

guys are going to have arguments and say that you want them to be about the thing that's happening now um and to not bring up old stuff which is fair uh and that all that said you're the boss and your pets if they're watching you have sex, have to leave the room. You're in charge. Your behavior shouldn't change for them. You're the alpha. You're the man, whatever your name is, which I pronounced correctly the first time. Yeah. And as you tell your girlfriend that she's stroking the cat, anything you can say in

front of me, you can say in front of toonses. Isn't that right, you sweet little girl? Oh, I hate that. Would you rather have sex in front of a cat or a dog? Cat, for sure. Yeah, cats are more passive. They seem like they don't give a shit about that kind of stuff. I think there's something very human about a dog's eyes.

As they stare at you longingly. They want to join in on the action. They want to play, too. action. They want to play too. Grayson, you can cut that out. Keep it in, actually. Actually. I mean, clip it so we can share it. Okay, wow.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So we can get kicked off of TikTok. Yeah, thanks so much for listening, everybody. And thanks for watching. We're still doing these as video episodes. Shout out to John Grimm for editing and Grayson for making the social media assets for those. Tell you what, it's worth watching on YouTube

just for us dancing in the beginning because we have to listen to the theme song on video and there's nothing else for us to do except to dance together. That's right. So it starts with a dancing fit and it ends with a little bit of dancing, too. Thanks to Audrey Scott for that theme song at the top and bottom of this episode.

Thanks to you guys for writing in. The email address, if you want to also send us an email, a question, a theme song, is ifiwoshow at gmail.com. Correct. And there's more videos of us on our patreon patreon.com slash ja we're watching old episodes we're posting some jake and amir's before they go on youtube there's a lot of fun to be had and now's the time to sign up because it's the beginning of the month yes that's right it's beginning of the month and we've been doing this for several years so yeah if you haven't done it a lot of content there's a lot there a long backlog, a very long backlog for you.

All right, sweet. We will, of course, be back next week. And one more time, here is Audrey Scott of Hex Boyfriend. Great new name. Thanks, Audrey. Let's listen to this whole thing. And three, two, one. Is it a rough spot that you're going through? Are you distraught? whole thing. And three, two, one. We'll give you the spin. They've heard it before and they can help in a pinch.

If I were you, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

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