Segments - 529: Daily Banana

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

In this episode Jake shares his impressions on Amir's impressions. Then the guys call Jake's mom for advice. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, here's what I would do. Dump all my problems onto these dudes.

Let them figure it out. They'll change your name for privacy's sake. Your friends will know who you are anyway. Your story's so specific, dude. Yeah, it gets kind of wordly. Amir will earn the dirty. He always seems to put his foot in his mouth. And Jake will take

the golden mic he always seems to get it right and speak words both powerful and true and so beautiful if I were you

if I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you Damn. Damn. damn damn yeah damn it's 2 p.m on a wednesday right i feel like i'm yeah i'm rolling on fucking molly and i'm high i don't know why i'm peaking yeah i don't think so it's yeah wednesday afternoon it's the most it was a sensual song that made me kind of feel myself as it were in a way on the day i congratulate this guy who wrote the song bravo bravo well done and toda would you say now is the most

sober time of the week like wednesday at two or would you be like monday morning is kind of the week like Wednesday at 2 or would you be like Monday morning is kind of the most sober time of the week I would say I think for me personally it's probably Thursday morning feels like the most sober it's like the peak of the of the ramp going into the weekend I feel like yeah but we're definitely sobering up for sure. Like no one's, I feel like sometimes Monday doesn't feel that sober because if you like toss a few back on Sunday fun day, you know, your Monday might be set up a little bit different. Like you might have a hangover,

so it's not necessarily sober, it's hungover. Tuesday, you're kind of recovering, you're grinding. Wednesday, yeah. Wednesday, you're really- You'll have a salad for lunch. You're falling into lockstep yeah exactly exactly yeah not even a grain bowl just like a pure salad actually i had a grain bowl i had a grain bowl today sorry to hear that yeah remember when we heard about we heard about

the cool times to go to bergain and it was always like the weirdest, like Tuesday at 10 a.m. is the hardest time to get in. Like you could probably go Friday night. That's fine. Nobody really goes. But like if you go Thursday at noon, good luck. What kind of weird topsy-turvy club is this shit? There's no, it's kind of interesting though. I like the philosophy because like right now I do feel awake, energized, and alert.

So, like, if I were on vacation and partying and I could just go out on a Wednesday afternoon, you kind of have to, like, leave societal norms behind if you're going to go into Burgundy. Yeah, exactly. Everything is upside down in Burgundy. Also, pre-COVID, wasn't there, like, 6 a.m. raves in New York? Does that sound familiar to you? It's like maybe even a silent disco. Like people would go before work or something like that. It was like this new thing.

Yeah, that certainly rings true. That certainly rings true. There's always silent raves somewhere. But like this one was specifically pre specifically pre-work like an early morning dance party yeah that sounds it sounds quite familiar it sounds quite familiar i wonder if we should bring that back now enough people have forgotten who it's actually attributed to it can sort of be like the founders of it yeah i mean it wouldn't be that i just i don't think it's like a huge opportunity brush your teeth and then have a I don't know if there was alcohol there, actually.

Probably. Because it was pre... There was like green juices. Athletic green, actually. That sounds like it's just fucking breakfast then. So not really. I want to play music at a Denny's is all. I would actually go to that.

That's cool. That sounds good. Yeah, like a diner slash party. A diner dance party. ddp yeah and we can play the song that was at the top of the show which was written and sent to us by tony saragosa oh we know tony don't we he's done one before has he um if you can shout out my band the medium blue we're on spotify and apple music also tell everyone to follow us on instagram we're trying to get that elusive 1k follow the medium blue nice

very cool medium blue get on it i'm sorry they have less than a thousand yeah it's not a lot of people if i had less than even 10 000 you have permission to kill me i am a nobody everyone listening everyone listening go ahead and unfollow me real quick no and then i would have permission to kill him and i'll do that on my instagram live i'm actually that's right maybe i'm regretting this whole thing then because I'm already somehow fucking hemorrhaging followers right now. There's no way anybody... I guess I put it like the anti-secret. Yeah, you posted something.

If you don't have 10,000 followers, unfollow me. I'm dead to rights, because I think I fucking put it out there in the ether like the secret, but backwards where I'm sort of putting nasty energy into the world, and it's coming back at me and now i have 912 followers how do i have 912 i'm gonna book a flight i will be booking a flight to la i will be strangling you once again live there's no way because a lot of my followers are just confused iranians who think they're following somebody else named amir

their bots they must have found out named amir their bots they must have found out they must have found out they must have found out you're not the prince that you claim to be i just that's a great pun because amir means prince does it not yeah i mean i don't know what happened you have permission to kill me cool i think rather than take you up on full permission yeah rather than do that i'm saying we should i think i'll still you up on full permission yeah rather than do that i'm saying we should i think i'll still end up killing you but we should fight to the death i just watched like a snuff film of sorts kind of yeah i watched the movie the last duel um you know so for like a long time people it was like a form of entertainment people would just kind of watch two knights fight to the death matt damon's in that right yeah matt damon is

matt damon um what's what's adam matt damon adam driver jody comer i i heard that movie is like a microcosm of why hollywood never does original movies anymore, where it's like, it used to be a bunch of movies like the last duel. And then Spider-Man came out in like 2003 and they're like, nevermind. We're only going to do that. Cause like movies like the last door, don't nobody knows what they are.

We can't market it. Even if Matt Damon's in it, nobody will see it. We have to just make Batman again. We're going to make Batman again. And now we're going to make Batman again. Sounds about right. They,

I mean, how many fucking Batman origin stories are are there whenever i see a commercial i always get like kind of upset i'm like you they can't keep doing this and then they do and then it makes a billion dollars and then it makes sense yeah no one cares yeah because like now as we get older it's like when we were growing up we liked the batman movies but now we're taking our kids to the batman movies it's like this fucking insane cycle so what is it just the same but now we're taking our kids to the movies it's like this fucking insane cycle so what is it just the same story they're like we're not even doing reboots we're like we're reshooting the movie from scratch with robert pattinson and people will still watch it

more than the last and it's so it's like you know exactly what happens to bruce wayne his parents get murdered outside of the opera how many times will they do that they're just like oh my god like there's no they're not allowed to build up drama around it i don't they don't deserve to have it that way i feel like every batman film should just be like quick cut like this this this this here like and now it's batman and now he has to find a villain or whatever yeah but it's like it's crazy to me. But they still, they still do a lot better than a movie like The Last Duel. Was The Last Duel even good?

Yeah. I was kind of enthralled by, by it. I liked that it was like based on a real historical event in like an era that we haven't really seen a lot of films set in. I like the actors. And it was fun to watch. So yeah, I guess I do like it. I guess I liked it.

I don't think I liked it in a way that I would normally have been. I don't know why I started talking about it now. But yeah. Oh yeah, because I was talking about killing you. So normally it wouldn't have come up. I wouldn't have ever told anyone that I watched The Last Duel. I was on a plane. I checked it out.

It's a plane movie. It was fine to good. I was curious the entire time. Was it better than a random Avengers movie you may or may not have seen already? Yes, I do think it was better. But it's funny because the Avengers movies, I feel like, I guess in their own way, they're not made to be watched on a plane, but like it's so they're so simple. And I guess you miss a little bit of the special effects,

but this movie was like all about like the performances and the, and those like nuances and like, um, subtle differences between like the moments and all the stories. And I was watching on a computer, like while I was eating my sandwich, while they're making like flight announcements so i definitely don't think i saw it as it was intended i watched tenet on my watch yeah yeah with one ear button and the other one listening to a podcast and i was on a treadmill and my Fitbit was actually tracking all of it.

And you were sitting on the edge of the treadmill as it was just going so you would kind of log the miles. Alright, this is it. This is If I Were You the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. I am still Amir. Not for long. I'm Jake and I will be killing him.

For the first time in a while you guys can see this. We're still uploading these as YouTube videos, so you can watch along if you want on our YouTube channel. You can see for the first time in a while, my hair is longer than yours. That's correct. This is actually the cut that I've been asking you to get for a long time. Yeah, and I'm actually getting it cut.

The kind of old George Clooney. Really? Yeah. It's actually, it's sort of turning into this Jewish Hugh Grant thing where it's like sort of a middle part going all the way down to my eyebrows and then spreading out. I like it. I think you should try that with a closer cropped beard if I can be honest. I need to have a British accent, I think, to pull it off. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. If I could do a hugh grant or something like that yeah because he's often like sort of struggling to find like you know you can't quite find the words exactly it's like but you when you do it it makes me anxious when he does it it's kind of like charming i mean it's endearing no yeah it's it's grating when you do it it is great you are more like a woody allen oh yeah that's good yeah sort of like uh not good

yeah i wouldn't say that's because he's sort of ostracized for deeds dirty deeds done dirt cheap now he yeah oh my god oh's been a long December and there's reason to believe he did some things that aren't good at all. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Way to accuse him in a Counting Crows song. Actually, Adam Durowitz recently performed that live on the seth

meyer show i feel like you would enjoy that oh i will god i would fucking love that i on the piano by himself really god damn yeah that's awesome i we listened to that song recently on uh backstage when we were in minneapolis for the nadpod tour just tour. Just blasting some- Was it December? No, it was January, early January, but it had been a long December. Yeah, that's right. January is sort of the beginning of a long December. Yeah.

You're back in the office. This might be the last pod you record in the HeadGum East, that specific one. Yeah, God willing, God willing. Do you know what happened in this office? I heard it was falling apart at the finish line of sorts. Yeah. We've been in this office two years.

Two years. Two pandemic years. Maybe even. No, I think it was a little more. Two and a half years. Three years. Yeah. I think three years.

I think it was in like 2019. Summer of 2019. So like six months of non-pandemic good life and then two years of pandemic. Right. And office has always been nice. We like built it out. We built the studio. I built a kitchen.

Marika tiled the kitchen. Like great space. It's a really nice space. We have a patio. Everybody that comes here loves it. Over the last like few months, there's been like the floorboards near the desk have started to like warp in a way that's that we would believe that like there's a leak going on above them but there's nothing going on above them i think the leak is like coming from the roof or the floor

like the patio or something so they're starting to buckle to the point where you it's not even like a just you have to like step over it it It's like a 12-inch buckle, like completely concave. I texted the landlord about it several times. He responded once or twice saying he was going to come by and fix it. Never did. We got our new office. We're moving at the end of the month. We gave our notice. yesterday I walked in to pick up a microphone

and there were just there were two men here all of our desks had been moved to the side we're not moved out yet we're not moved out we have a month and a half left on our list they had moved

all of our desks they'd taken down all of the like art on our wall. It's kind of like just strewn everything about to clear the back wall where they had cut out a four foot by four foot hole, exposing like the wall and the pipes kind of near where the, they, I guess they maybe suspected the leak was. We had installed closets that they ripped off the wall,

moved to the side um cut a enormous hole in the bathroom a hole into it and a hole into the bathroom there's like a bathroom where you walk around it's kind of like yeah you you walk around a corner to open the door to the bathroom but then instead they just kind of cut a hole in the hallway. So there was two openings to the bathroom. And in the bathroom, they had cut down all of the walls, the ceiling, moved the sink, put the toilet in the kitchen. And it just, it seemed like they were just doing major gut renovation of the bathroom and of the desk, the wall desk. And no one had told us anything. So why do you think they did it, let alone before we moved out?

I don't know, because like now looking at it today, they, so yeah, they hadn't said it. They have gave us no warning, no indication it was happening. I like called and texted the landlord, no response. I call and text our realtor who we'd been dealing with. She's like, they said they were, I think, what did she say? She's like, I thought they said they would be done today. And I was like, no one told us

they were doing anything at all. No one said they'd start yesterday. Yeah. And then she was like, they'll be finished at the end of the day, and I'll clean it up tomorrow. And I was like, okay, I really doubt it. The toilet's in the kitchen. You get that?

That's more than just a frame on the floor. Yeah. Like, there's no way that they could have been done. But I came in this morning, and sure enough, they're definitely not done. The walls are still completely open. The toilet is back in the bathroom they did kind of patch one hole and put the door on the new one that they cut so everything technically works um so you can't all of the wiring is exposed i think i mean we probably could all the wiring is all exposed everywhere maybe we can get some

money back they took off all of the outlets that's the like it's such weird timing because they all that could we have one month left to pay and they have our security deposit so it's not really it's basically a moot point because then they'll be like no we'll just take your security deposit if you don't yeah right right so we refuse to pay they refuse to get the security deposit back um but it's also i don't know you can kind of see oh there's a t-rex what's going on there construction yeah there was when we first when we first moved in here there was like a warehouse across the street um that they started demolishing a few weeks ago um i found out that they sold it to a condo developer it's like four lots like the full corner

of uh barry street and they're going to be doing construction forever i would think so it's good that we're getting out of this loud sort of falling apart office yeah it can't happen soon enough and the the new building that i've been dealing with they just have like a team of everyone for everything it's just like it's so it's so nice rather than me texting like a number um that never that i never ever get a response from um yeah so the good news is we're moving to a better space in new york and in la the studio is almost built so we're going to have some high-res nice production style video uh podcasting going on soon that's right so actually if you don't subscribe to this podcast on video you should but also um i guess follow like headgums

youtube channel yeah and subscribe to that and tick tock be posting on okay yeah so follow us on shit yeah uh there's going to be posting on. Okay. Yeah. So follow us on shit. Yeah. There's going to be new stuff coming out of the offices, which will be fun. It's kind of cool that it's like happening on like the anniversary of the original lockdown. It would have been cool if it was like one year. The second year was probably unnecessary. But the fact that it's happening in March, the middle of March again. Yeah.

Very interesting. It's poetic almost. Actually, write this part down ready no two years gone in 24 months okay i it's being recorded for posterity so i'm not going to write anything down so i feel like two years two years gone and not i guess two years and 24 months how about one year gone and 12 months that way people are like oh that's interesting it's two years but he said it in a kind of flowery way you know how poetry is always like kind of confusing for no reason uh yeah it's not for no reason it's supposed to be personal we return to uh we return to the sea like a turtle um return

to the sea what are you talking about like our office is like what turtle. Return to the sea? What are you talking about? Like our office is like the ocean. What does it mean to you? It doesn't fucking matter. It all just has to be confusing. The thing about poetry is that it matters a lot. Your word choice matters a lot. It's all supposed to signal something.

As long as you put it. Deeper media. Yours, no, it's not as long as you put. What were you going to say? As long as you put it in a funny place. Like, you know how like some poetry, they'll be like, this isn't very good. So I'll like fucking move it from the left to like do, do, do, do, do. How like sometimes it looks.

Don't tell me to write stuff down if it's not fully formed yet either. Just that's a small one. But I feel like you told me to, like you started dictating something that was clearly not ready to be. Wrong. Are you going to say wrong? Yeah. I thought so. Yeah. I thought so. Yeah.

All right. China. Wrong. That's this Robert De Niro doing a jump or something. This is the kind of shit you're missing if you're not watching on YouTube. It's a good Robert De Niro. It's a good Bob De Niro face. Really?

Yeah. That's really good. You hit get the frown I can't make that level of frown what about Hugh Grant doing Robert De Niro I mean I came early on that it's sort of like Beaker from the Muppet Babies a little bit I feel like it's a little convoluted you don't need to like

yeah you don't need to stack the impressions neither of them are that good on their own the bob de niro one is fine yeah hugh grant was really bad okay okay okay all right cool uh all right we gotta take a break thanks to sponsors come back and answer some more questions we got a ton of lightning round questions last week that we didn't get to. So I wanted to answer some more. That's right. All right.

Cool. BRB. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards,

and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy.

That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan and now I'm just a fan of the league in general, but I still have a fan of gambling enough. Yes, you're a fan of gambling. Yes. And I do know a lot. Like, do you know what a nickelback does in a cover to defense? Or like, do you know what a play action passes? Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't.

I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Maryary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six app select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft

kings pick six app now and use code segments that's code segments for new customers to play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut.

Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited, one per new customer, non-withdrawable. Pick six credits expire in six months, limited time offer. See terms at picksix.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos.

There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. What's the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.

And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit. Mom, I'm coming! Gross. I do. I actually have two I've got two product recommendations. Two? You want to

use them right now? Yeah. Okay. Well, well actually one of them is for my own product uh frankly it's for the the leather halcyon wallet it's i have that we restocked it we've never shown it on video which is kind of savage but yeah there you go you have a thick you have a thick guy i got the thin boy wow Wow, there's my license. Oh my God. That was really dangerous.

It's scary to just like blast your license. It feels like there should be like information that no one should have, but it is perfectly fine. Yeah, ultimately. Ultimately fine. Okay, so anyway, we were sold out for a long time, but they're back in stock and you can get

one if you want the other thing um is not a product i make but i'm traveling right and when i was when i first started like traveling again i was bringing my water pick um i don't know if i mentioned that i'm back on the water pick there was a while where i was off it but i love the water pick now okay that's good at the end of every single night it's that's good it's yeah it's a necessary routine yeah um my thing that i never liked about it is that it's kind of bulky it's not that pretty i did not like do you like do you leave yours on your counter i do but i care less about a neat counter my counter's got all sorts of shit on it i care very much about a neat counter. My counter's got all sorts of shit on it. I care very much about a neat counter.

My counter has soap, a little vase, a little plant, and nothing else. I don't even keep a toothbrush on the counter. Wow. Okay. Yeah. How does it dry off? Where do you put it? I usually, like, will brush my teeth in the morning.

I will leave it out, go to the gym, come home, shower, put away the toothbrush. Wow, okay. It dries out and then you return it. Yeah. And the Waterpik, since I only use it at night, I usually leave that out overnight and I put it away in the morning in the same drawer with the toothbrush. In the safe underneath your bed. With a key. Then I swallow it, pass it at the gym. In the safe underneath your bed. With a key. Then I swallow it, pass it at the gym,

go home, rinse it off. But yeah, so I think it's bulky. And like when I put it in my dot kit to travel, it really takes up just about the whole entire thing. It almost doesn't fit all the way unless you take off, remove the needle. Yeah, you have to remove, I put the needle in my toothbrush carrying case

and then and then it's like where where's everything else gonna go um so i looked up something i'd never done was just like a a travel portable water flosser um and i found one called the n pulley water flosser it's e-n-p-u-l. I have, I'm not recommending this brand specifically, but just basically know that there are travel water picks. It's so small. It's like the size of a, it's almost like the size of like an extra iPhone battery or something. And it like extends, it extends out.

So it can't hold water, right? It actually attaches to a water source you have to have no it can hold water here oh interesting i thought it was like just a needle and a motor and then you can like put it on a cup oh that would be interesting that actually would make it even even smaller but this one's pretty small as it is um because it basically, oh yeah, I see. It's retractable. Yeah. It's retractable. That's it. Um, so I like it basically better than my other water pick and it takes up less space and the reviews, some of the reviews just say it doesn't hold enough water, but I find that my other water

pick holds more than enough water. I'm usually emptying it out at the end of the day. And if I have to fill it up twice, that's not the end of the world at all. I definitely, I would sacrifice that for saving space. It's also better looking. It's sleeker. It's cooler. What is the, why do you need a USB cord for a water pick to charge it? Interesting. So it charges. Mine is charged with like a wall outlet oh yeah this one is like a usb uh c i think wow so you can charge it from your computer yeah the us i mean you could also just plug the usb thing into a little brick which is probably easier because nobody wants to bring their water flosser out onto their computer but yeah so we've gone full circle. I think our first recommendation was Waterpik,

and now we're going all the way to three years later, we've landed on Travel Waterpik, a smaller Waterpik. Yeah, and I think that the Travel, if you haven't bought one yet because you were worried they were too bulky, I think the Travel one will suffice for your at-home Waterpik as well. Okay, that's good i don't know if i think people who haven't bought it has nothing to do with the bulkiness they just don't want to fucking add shit to their nighttime routine that's but that's why i stopped using it

because in my old my old bathroom was smaller and i didn't have the space to have the water pick right and now you have the space you have the water and you have the water. And you have the pig. That's right. Yeah. Okay. Let's get to some questions from the peanut gallery. Speaking of peanuts, Mongoose Bitch asks, Oh my God, what's the best type of M&M for trail mix? So like, do you put the peanut M&M in trail mix if there's already peanuts in there?

Or do you want the regular M&Ms for the trail mix? Or do you go no chocolate at all? You go chocolate chips or something like that. I actually just had some really, really delicious trail mix, and it was like Mr. Planter's peanut butter chocolate trail mix. It was basically like I was just eating peanut butter M&Ms mixed with peanut M&Ms mixed with regular M&ms mixed with regular m&ms and then like three cashews yeah so i guess the best trail mix is heavy on the chocolate

light on the raisins i don't do any fruit in the trail mix yeah it's a it's a different consistency it's it's a sticky consistency yeah you don't want that i don't fuck with that even the m&ms the candy shell is almost like it it takes you out of the flow like i think i said no chocolate but chocolate chips i meant no candy shelled but do you go straight to chocolate chip and i think that's my favorite because then you can get the nuts with the chocolate let's say a not half and half but a three to one rage do you remember my old I wasn't done sorry

you were done you were absolutely done I was gonna say I wonder if white chocolate would be good oh you mean you were gonna trail off trail mix off actually do you remember do you remember my apartment Oh, you mean you were going to trail off? Trail mix-off, actually. Nice.

Do you remember my apartment where I had like, I didn't have any food except for like a giant jug of cashews and chocolate chips? Oh, yeah. That was sort of like you were trying to redefine snacking. You're like, I don't need any snacks whatsoever, just a giant jug of nuts and chocolate. Yeah, I was like, the trail mix they overdo it there's too much and i just had raw cashews and semi-sweet morsels and it's like that really is all all you

actually need everything you get is just filler did you get sick of it like or did you start to desire salty at a certain point i don't remember why i ever stopped i feel like i stopped because i moved um i think that is why. Because that was more of like a live by yourself thing. You start to get really meticulous and you make things nice and you indulge all of your like, oh, it'd be nice to have this. It'd be cool to have this. And then I moved in with Dave Rosenberg and my kitchen became a sad place for me. A hot mess.

Yeah. Just like dirt dishes. Ruffles. Nothing worked. Yeah. The floor was crunchy and slimy at all times but you got to experience that i think the adult version of what you had is like you can get one of those crank things for your wall like oh let me put like boom boom boom it comes out already a pre-made trail mix thing i do i think that the best trail mix has chocolate but like the best trail mix for you and the one that i i feel like i would consistently snack on now is just one that's it's basically mixed nuts yeah but if you're actually

hiking i think you do need the fruit and you do need the chocolate the very at the very least you need the chocolate i would prefer it with no fruit yeah i mean that little sugar hit dry fruit is so probably good for you but like like the some tromix has like those big ass fucking orange like i think it's like a dehydrated what like a peach like a full fucking peaches in there i don't think so uh dr wanger banger great names writes cool hey jake i have two-year-old twins and they're killing me can you call your mom yeah sorry can you call your mom on air and get some tips from her i know she had triplets along with the rest of you congrats on the golden mic um yeah you want to call my mom yeah how would that work? It feels like it'd be hard.

You'd have to put her on speaker up to your microphone. Okay, I can try. She might be teaching right now. Let's find out. Yeah. I mean, the more we get closer to adult age that have kids, the more insane it is that your mom had two kids and then triplets probably, right?

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Can you hear my phone right now in case she doesn't answer? Yeah. Okay. Hey. Hey, Mama. But it's great. How are you? I'm great. How are you doing? I'm good. It's so nice and warm out.

Yes, it is. So, Mom, I'm recording my podcast right now, so you're on air. Ah, man. Amir is here, too. Hey, Amir. Hey, how are you? Can you hear me? Oh, wait. I don't know if she can.

Yeah. You'll have to translate. You can't hear him, can you? I could not hear Amir right at that moment. Okay, yeah, that's my fault because I have him on my AirPods. We don't know how to do call-ins yet. But he said, hi, how are you? And we have a question for you from a listener.

So let me repeat it back to you. Amir, tell me what it is again. He said you have twins. I have two-year-old twins and they're killing me. Can you call your mom on air and get some tips from her okay so a guy uh emailed and he said i have two-year-old twins and they're killing me can you uh get some tips can you call your mom and get some tips for her from her uh so yeah do you have any tips for someone that has twins that are killing him? Man, that is very challenging. But one thing that is really, really helpful,

I find or I found was like just sticking them in front of some kind of television show that's not terrible, like something that's like quasi-educational. Because a lot of times um they they kind of i mean i just remember when the triplets were little they would um almost like um i don't know kind of ramp amp each other up like um one of their favorite games was like upsetting rachel we still love that game it's still a good game you know it's solid solid game but um i i think sometimes just diversionary tactic is good another thing that is very helpful and this might

actually be something that's a lot of work sticking them in the bath because that becomes an activity that's just kind of fun and they seem to enjoy it especially you kind of toss them in there and then forget about them and check on them later. That's exactly it. You know, their heads are still about water, but, you know, it all works. You crazy mom. What's the hardest age to have those triplets, ask her? This was my go-to, and you know this.

I had the triplet stroller. Oh, yeah, I remember the triplet stroller. In a stroller and going for a walk. Yeah. It's just, there's something about it that's just kind of mesmerizing, and they just tend to really enjoy it. All right. Solid advice. And we have one other question from Amir who wants to know what was the hardest age to have the triplets be?

Oh, man. Okay. You know, probably it was around that two-year mark. Okay. That was just hard. So he's going through the worst of it right now. He is, he is. And then, you know, you hit another patch

when they're like 13. Okay, cool. So he has that to look forward to. Yeah, yeah. It's a decade, a decade between those ages. 10 good years. All right, well, thank you very much for your help, mother. I love you very much. I love you so much.

And yeah, anytime you want to call and put me on your show, I'm here for you. Cool, and I'll call you later just to chat, okay? Okay, I it love you okay bye bye love you bye bye bye bye bye all right there you have it two muppets ask what's the biggest thing you've ever seen and i'm gonna say my cock don't do that so close to my mother's voice please but i will agree i'll say amir's cock that's funny call your mom let's ask what the biggest thing she's ever seen was i feel like i don't want to annoy her yeah okay she obviously didn't sound happy to hear from me yeah she said the hardest age you've ever been was 36 or whatever you are now.

36 is right. Thank you. Okay. Do you have a go-to Mario Kart character as David O'Hare? Donkey. Donkey. That's right.

Really? I always like to be the biggest guy. That way you're slow to accelerate, but fast when you're on the loose. I don't even, I don't play Mario Kart close enough to know the difference between. Quiet.

Me, I'm a Waluigi. This is the second time you've tried to get me to stop talking. I'm a Waluigi Stan slash man. You were mad that I interrupted you. This time you were mad that I was just talking at all and you interrupted you. This time you were mad that I was just talking at all, and you interrupted me. Yeah, he gives you the dexterity

of a big, with the sort of fast exhilaration of a small man, while Luigi is the goat. You're a small man, by the way. Not really. Yeah. I'm average, if not a little bit above average in height. And normal BMI. You're a little bit above average in height and normal bmi low average not really maybe in denmark

i can't remember what the bit is on hollywood handbook nothing ever makes me laugh harder than when those guys make fun of you yeah you can't say anything slightly wrong or interesting or they'll find it. They'll expose it and they'll tickle it. God, they're so good. Okay, let's take another break. Answer some more questions

on the other side of these massages. All right. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters yeah vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for

yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results.

It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Yes. All right, we're rolling, rolling, rolling. We have to keep answering questions. Such is our lot in life. life yeah why would we ever stop actually i asked a question on twitter for a poll and i was

quite intrigued to not only hear your answer but to hear what you would guess people would say let me pull it up it was would you rather be insanely good at tennis or table tennis yeah insanely good or table tennis like rafa good no like at the top like the top five percent of population like you're not entering tournaments and winning that's like for the super good but like okay if 19 random people on the street, you're better than. I see. Tennis. I guess no hesitation at all around that. I can see how ping pong would be cool,

but I don't think it comes close to being good at tennis. Okay, now what do you think people said what what would the population after 1800 votes what would you guess i think by and large um people are dumb so i'll say 60 said ping pong it's almost the exact opposite 58 still preferred tennis and 42 said table tennis. Oh, all right. Pretty close. Melanie Bracewell, friend of HeadGum, said,

Table tennis for sure. It's not like you could just play tennis at a party. So it's more of like a party thing. Like you're more likely to run into a ping pong table at a bar or like a social gathering. To prove you're really good at tennis, you have to fucking make an appointment with someone and meet them on the courts. No one will ever prove you're really good at tennis you have to fucking make an appointment with someone and meet them on the courts no one will ever know you're really good at tennis yeah but i don't i guess if it's like that's not what i'm trying to get out of this experience i think it would be fun to be good at tennis i like playing tennis you're getting good exercise you're outdoors um it just seems like a more fun experience i also don't think that i've been at very many parties

where I would have shown off being good at ping pong that's probably happened as much as my opportunities to show that I'm good at tennis really? you think you've been around more tennis courts than table tennis courts? I guess because I grew up playing tennis but I don't think that I go to parties

and there's ping pong set up there yeah yeah visit someone's office maybe not what bars do you go to where there's ping pong there's that one at the uh the line in los angeles that we used to play ping pong at yeah what about table tennis or uh billiards what would you be what would you rather be really good in between table tennis and billiards definitely billiards you can like make cash playing billiards hustling people yeah uh okay what about you what do you think um it's kind of personal so i kind of don't want to answer that okay fine then move on and let's not make a meal out of you not answering right i don't know it just feels like yeah i

don't know i'm down to like open up because i do think that honesty is super important on the pod because like people want to feel like they're hanging out with two friends but i don't even think i'd tell you we're not friends yeah don't think that that anybody listening to the show feels like they're hanging out with two friends you're an antagonist to me if you listen to this company if you listen to this show it just feels like doesn't work we're three out we're three you've yelled at me several times today you you told me you told me to let you finish talking you interrupted me so you could talk you made me call my mom and then motion with your hand to say wrap wrap it up. You haven't done anything fucking kind for me at all. And I haven't done anything in kind either.

And not in line. It's all been out of line and out of kind and out of turn. Table tennis. Sorry, tennis is number one. Table tennis two, billiards three for me. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I think I can see that because I get more joy out of playing table tennis.

But I feel like it's probably, I'd impress more people being good at billiards. It's cool to put the chalk on. Yeah, but anyone can do that. Like, yeah. I went to a bachelor party three years ago for Billy. There was a foosball table there. And you know Ryan Glennon, right? Yeah.

Long-haired, cool dude, musician, builder, can sort of do it all. Right, yeah. He was insanely good at foosball to the point where nobody could score on him, and he couldn't be stopped like he was i'd never seen someone so good at a game where he would beat like 10 people in a row like 20 to 0 it was like he was control it was as if he was controlling the ball with his hand like boom and it was like i can't even see what's happening wow i couldn't advance the ball past like his third little rail he had he i don't understand before what yes he was like he played a lot in college and like just like trained

and trained and trained like that's that's the amount of good i i'm imagining like you're just like right if it's like a party full of casuals you fucking destroy them right foosball i'm really bad at like i can't it's almost too stressful like it's so happening so fast i'm like fucking spinning oh god i have no control it's a it's a foosball is a weird game because it's like it's dumb enough that you feel like you should be good so you do get competitive you're like oh i can win we should win we can stop the ball we just pass it we kick it into this thing and it's cool to score yeah there's not a good there's not enough like strategy everybody everybody's kind of the same level and you lose and you're confused about how you lost

yeah i feel like if you're actually good you're like oh i know how i lost i messed this thing up but like foosball is like i'm bad i can win i lost why did that happen he was passing the ball to himself like not only line to line but like within the same strip so like he would bank it off the side of the wall like lift like he would be able to pass it to like different fucking soccer players like becca he was i couldn't even he was doing fucking tricks it was unbelievable unbelievable. I'd never seen anything live. Nobody scored on him. Wow. No one scored on him?

No. I have to see it. Wow, that's amazing. I really, I wonder if there's like a video of him playing. Shout out to Ryan. Shout out. Janitor Lord asks, is Jake allergic to anything? No. Awesome. Yeah. janitor janitor lord asks is jake allergic to anything no awesome yeah bhy008 asks how many bites to finish a banana be honest um so you know how i i've i kind of famously eat a banana in a

bad way really yeah you bite through the middle of it, peel still on like a corn on the cob and then throw away. It's not that far off. I peel it in full and eat it loose in my hand. I see. So you don't use the natural holding grip. No, I do not. I find that to be a waste of time

and I need to peel my banana and throw away the peel and kind of eat it on the go i don't want to have to deal with a peel you don't want to deal with the people right the peel is too much to deal yeah so i usually peel it fully in half or yeah sorry peel it fully break it in half eat it in one to two um or sorry eat it in two and then it in one to two, or sorry, eat it in two, and then the other one in two. I would say four, maybe five. Wow, those are big bites.

Yeah, large bites. Are you eating a banana every day? No, not even close. What about you? I eat a banana every morning. It's the first thing I eat. How many bites? I usually go pretty slow because I'm waking up and I'm eating it.

And then as I'm eating it, I'm giving Luke, the dog, small bites of my bites. Wow. It's like we wake up, he follows me to get the banana. I'll put a little bit of his medicine. Yeah, and we share a banana every morning. And then I'm drinking water that's so fucking cute I hate how fucking charming that is

that's Hugh Grant level great alright now back to hitting you this one was asked earlier let's see if we can remember how do you make vinegar this came up last one and we both sort of didn't know did you look it up yeah what is vinegar yeah we looked up what is vinegar is it i've got it already it was like fermented something or other kind of like alcohol or

something from water or something fermented grape seeds yeah um vinegar is the base of all things yeah it's every life hack is if your stomach hurts if you want things whiter if you want to de-smell if you want to do anything you always add vinegar and we're still not sure what it is um okay to make it yourself all you need is a clean jar some alcohol a mother the starter for the fermentation process and at least two months to allow the mother to work the mother oh mother you need to work work mother alcohol and a mother the starter for the fermentation process and at least two months to allow the mother to work the mother oh mother you need to work work mother alcohol and a mother sounds like my mother nice so it's fermented alcohol i guess yeah okay we should make our own vinegar the other thing i want to do is become a notary these are two things that have come up on the podcast that i actually want to follow through on i really want to be a notary a guy who's like making sure that somebody's actually

signing something yeah my dad said it's actually not that hard because my dad is a notary and i could come become one in connecticut he said pretty easily he said it's harder in new york interesting uh if i'm registered in connect, I can perform notary nationally. Wow. Nice. Really cool. You're going to fucking, yeah, you'll regret making fun of me when I'm a notary and I won't notarize any of your documents. Actually, I can block some other notary from actually notarizing.

I could be an anti-notarer. I'm allowed to say something's not actually notarized. Without looking it up, says Joey Alvestad, how are your Seattle Kraken doing? That's a question for you, right? I don't like the Kraken. Yeah, I like the Kraken. I like the name and the logo. I assume they're not doing well because expansion team,

so usually those don't do well. And looking up the record yes they are indeed last in their uh conference so all right they're doing bad doing bad doing bad the best teams right now it looks like the carolina panthers and the colorado avalanche so there you have it of course those are some really good hockey teams are you still watching euro football dude yes i fucking i yeah i love the epl i love uh the spurs and we beat man city on sunday no saturday yeah we beat man city on saturday it was an incredible game wow are you watching those at home on a stream how does it work um yeah i paid for all

of the nbc shit they're like they're all over the place it's like some are on nbc some are on cable some are on peacock i think some of them are in usa now it's all it's all garbage but i pay for everything because i need to see every game and do you watch it live is it like on at 4 a.m or is it a manageable hour for you manageable hour forable hour for New York for the most part. The earliest they're ever on is like maybe 6.30, 7.30. But like that game started at 12.30. Oh, wow. Yeah, 12.30, 9.30.

It's definitely earlier in LA. Mr. Franz writes, if Amir reads this, he gets the gets the turdy afraid that's not how it works or perfect you can't just get you get the turdy i get the golden mic actually fuck it you my friend get the turdy and my mom gets the golden mic. That's right. She deserves it. She was the best part of the podcast. You were the worst part of the podcast. You said, I get the turdy. Fuck it, actually. You get the turdy.

My mom gets the turdy. So not fuck it, actually. Well, I said, you get the turdy. I get the golden mic. Then I said, fuck it. And then I said, you get the turdy. My mom gets the golden mic. So I did change.

I flipped the script. You will remain with the turdy. My mom gets the golden mic. So I did change. I flipped the script. You will remain with the turdy, the award for shittiness in podcasting, um, for your interruptions and for reading that tweet, which kind of stated that you would get the turdy. If you read it, feels like you wanted it. You knew you deserved it probably for the interrupting, probably for being mean to me, probably for telling my mom to wrap it up when she was waxing about having children helping somebody out and she gets the golden mic for answering in the middle of the day when she you know she probably had other shit to do but she loves me and i love her and fucking i get the golden mic too because we have a really strong bond

and that's pretty neat to have between a mother and a son. Dab. Yeah, we dabbed. The earbud almost fell out, but I guess it was worth it, right? Yeah, it was. Can't fight your meatus. You can't see this. My ear holes are too large for earbuds, so I'm a little bit jealous.

For sure. For sure. All right. Thank you for your, so I'm a little bit jealous. For sure. For sure. All right. Thank you for your questions. Thank you for your theme songs. If you got your own longer questions, as always, write them into ifireashow at gmail.com. Theme songs also sent to that same electro mail address. Correct.

And you can watch more of our videos at patreon.com slash ja. And you can watch these podcasts for absolutely free on youtube damn right that opening theme song much like the closing one because it's the same song by Tony Saragosa from the band the medium blue follow them on instagram

they're trying to get to a k you can do it alright thank you guys for listening we'll be back as always next week ciao everybody wait for it wait for it wait for it if i were you here's what i would do dump all my problems onto these dudes Let em figure it out They'll change your name for privacy's sake Your friends will know who you are anyway

Your story's so specific, dude Yeah, it gets kind of wordly Amir will earn the dirty He always seems to put his foot in his mouth And Jake will take the golden mic He always seems to get it right and speak words both powerful and true and so beautiful

if I were you if I were you if I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you That was a Hiddem Original. pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping,

GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.