Segments - 53: Shot Through The Heart (with Ben Schwartz)

Episode Date: January 16, 2014

Our buddy Ben Schwartz returns for another episode of discussing, advising, and of course, singing. This episode is brought to you by NiceLaundry.com -- http://bit.ly/NLJakeAmir -- Awesome socks. Cheap prices. Free shipping. Highly recommended. Check'em out! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Cool. NiceLaundry.com. Thanks, guys. NiceLaundry.com. Discount code Jake. Whee! This episode is part two of the Ben Schwartz one that we started on Monday and luckily for you

the part that got real last episode sort of blended over so part two also gets equally real and I would say it actually it plateaued for a bit but then towards the end what happened you even got more real that's incredible

you got real once again thanks so much for listening everybody look settle down kids and open up your ears plug your headphones in it's time for jake and amir and if you're talking podcast and we're talking top tier and if you call no one it's on i'ma tell you i'm not here i got chuckles to get keep sending emails in and get ready to be crowned by a couple of real friends. It's a universal roast. Everybody's in on the joke. And I'm going to need you to cheer if you feel hashtag dope.

Like, yeah. Okay, I really mean it now. The show's about to be on. If she deserves better Jake, please introduce me to your mom. Because I think this is the season for season of cheese. I'll spend my life trying to see If I had a similar date need Just do you, get advice First kiss to the mattress

Things are getting real I hop out of my tender matches 9 to 5 and in traffic I'm exercising too Simply sit back, relax Cause this is if I were you You, you Okay.

Yeah. That one felt right. Jake's high just from listening to that Shit That was great Yeah, we're back with Ben This is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet

Hosted by us I'm Amir And I'm Jake And I'm Kulch Frel Kulch Frel Kulch Frel

C-O-O-C-H F-R-A-U-L-T Can you at least Let us know how that happens Like what's going on in your brain Do you want me to take you through it? Is it a noise and then the opposite of that noise That's what Kulch is

In my head sometimes a name will pop into my head Or like a word like bacon But this one I started with Koo And then I want to make it a name I want to turn that into a name so when you go long that's you thinking that's like the Rolodex

in your bang gun and then I'm going through a lot of names it's not just me trying to find one no joke I'm trying to find a good one cooch

so what are the certain ones that you're rejecting on a hyper quick level Cooper Cooper no joke Cooper Coop

Cool Coos Cooch and the second I felt the ch at the end I felt that's a good way to start it and then the last name Cooper No joke Cooper Coop Cool Coos Cooch And the second I felt the Ch at the end I felt that's That's a good way to start it And then the last name

I started off with a couple letters And then tried to end it With the last name Yeah So it happens while it's happening Right So this This gift that you have

Of thinking while you're thinking I don't know if it's a gift It's a gift It's a unique talent that you have These names aren't real It's not like I'm saying real names Well here Well here's my question for you.

Did it translate to school? Were you smart? When I was in high school, this is a good question. When I was in high school, I was never stupid or anything. I was always very clever and pretty intelligent. But I never tried in high school, and I found ways to get decent to very good grades by not trying very hard. Why? Why did I do it or why?

Why did you not try if you were smart? Were you bored? I don't know what it was. Maybe it was. I didn't like the things I was learning are things I didn't care about. Okay. And also it was public school.

It was free. What about your SATs? Did you do well on your SATs? 12.10. I did okay. I moved from Riverdale in the Bronx to Edgemont in Westchester, SATs? 12-10. I did okay. I moved from Riverdale in the Bronx to Edgemont in Westchester, which is

a very suburban, very haughty place. SAT scores were a big deal. I don't know if it was the same thing with your guys' neighborhood, but it was an upper middle class or middle class neighborhood. That neighborhood especially, people really cared. We got tutors and whatever. It was like a contest.

I think more amongst the parents than amongst the kids. What did your kid get? No joke. And then your parents were like, 12, 10, but watch this. And then they'd bring you out as a 16-year-old and you'd go, Branch Dickens. See, if you made that Dickens, that would have been a perfect name. Branch Dickens. You're very close.

I'm getting there. In college, when I went to college and we were paying quite a bit for... I applied myself like crazy and graduated cum laude and all that stuff. But in high school, I got very good grades as well. B plus or whatever. But it was such a big... Education was such a big thing. Getting good grades was such a big

deal in that neighborhood that getting a B plus wasn't even considered great. Yeah, that's considered bad. It was considered, you know, I was okay. Then in college when I was getting B plus wasn't even considered like great. Yeah, that's considered bad. It was considered, you know, I was okay. Right. And then in college when I was getting B plus, I really worked my ass off in college and had a really good time. Because you get to take the subjects you like.

You get to take courses you care about. Right. Well, I hated college, but I feel you. So what is this? This is an advice podcast. If you didn't listen to part one of this, it'll still make sense. Don't worry. This is called Make Sure You're Home.

And the whole idea of the podcast is you Instagram your questions and we give you some answers. Wow, that is accurate. Questions and answers. Let's do it. Questions and answers. First question I'll ask to Jake. That's how the show works. Wait, didn't you turn the last episode into a game of sorts?

Oh, can I play a game this time? Yeah. Okay, ready? Yeah. Let's play a game. Let's do it. I'm trying to think of making it a personal one. Oh, how about this?

This is more fun for everybody. Do you know how your porno name will be the first pet you ever had and the street name, your first street name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does every... Let's go through those. Okay. What about you guys?

Chico Willis. Actually, I was born on a street in Israel. My first apartment in Israel was Holland. Is that better? Chico Holland? Both of those are extraordinary. Chico is ideal. Chico is fucking perfect.

Mine's Bob Churchill. That's also good. It's like a priest game. Yeah, Winston's brother Yeah Winston's brother I had two Two white German Shepherds Two big white German Shepherds So mine would be either Dusty

Fieldston That's good Or Precious Fieldston Wow Precious Fieldston's amazing And then my other dog After that was Thunder Oh that's even better

Yeah Thunder and then you were on Dick Road right I was on Thunder Dick Road Yeah Thunder Dick Road Insane Dick Road Thomas Fieldston is amazing. And then my other dog after that was Thunder. Oh, that's even better. Yeah. Thunder, and then you were on Dick Road, right? I was on Thunder Dick Road. Yeah, Thunder Dick Road. Insane. Dick Road. Yeah.

Well, actually, you don't need to say road because you just say Thunder Dick. Do you guys talk about porno when you're on here? Sometimes porno comes up. Porno comes up. Okay. Jake's sort of an expert in it, so he fields the porno questions. Really? What's your site?

Oh, my God. Come on. This is only a 45-minute podcast. Well, you go to one, I'm sure. No, no, no. I go to a lot. You don't have like a favorite? Well,

they're always changing. So right now, fuck.com, fuq.com is a pretty great search site. Playvid.com is really great. Playvid.com

is also good because if it comes up in your search history, it doesn't even look like you're watching porn. Playvid. Yeah, well, unless you're doing playvid.com is really great Playvid.com Which is also good Because if it comes up in your search history It doesn't even look like you're watching porn Playvid Yeah, well unless you're doing Playvid.com slash public agent check Guy fucks woman in a street corner But yeah,.htm

Do you ever pay for that stuff or no? There was a site that I paid for I mean, when i was in high school i realized like i was really big into the bang bros websites you i remember you telling me as adults how much you were into the guys yeah to this day i still there was an episode of jake and me you made me wear a bang bros t-shirt or when you wanted to wear that that's true you're right because it was perfect for your douchebag character that's true you're correct uh but yeah there was i've i like always i was so attracted – I like to get porn crushes.

I'm not like a regular person that likes actual people. I like porn stars. So when I like – when I'm watching – If any porn stars are listening to this podcast. Yeah. What do you do? Do you just direct message them? If there are any actual people, I like actual people.

If any actual people are listening to this, avoid me at all costs. So I was so attracted to these women that I found on Bang Bros that I eventually couldn't take it anymore. I stole my dad's credit card. I couldn't take it. I was overcome with cum lust. I couldn't fucking handle it. This was when I was in high school in 2002. So I couldn't handle the 25-second clips.

I wanted the whole fucking video. So I stole my dad's credit card i went through and i downloaded every single movie i could to my desktop put it on an external hard drive i still have them thank you dad thanks for your credit card daddy my mom listens to the podcast i apologize i didn't warn you i was gonna talk about the charge on the credit card? He absolutely did. What was your – He called me and said – well, they disguise it. And he said, Jake, what's C-Bill? And I said, I don't know. I have no idea what that is.

And he was like, well, I called. Oh, no. And apparently they have a bunch of websites that they mask or whatever. One of them is bangbros.com. I was like, I don't know i have no idea so he canceled it and but it was too late you already downloaded them all to your hard drive but a couple months later they're releasing new videos every week i stole his credit card again knowing full well i was gonna get caught for the exact same crime but it was just like it was worth

it to me i didn't even care god that's funny that's great isn't it funny how little me and you have in common with jake but then then we have the same senses of humor? How does that line up? This is what I think. I've spent a lot of time talking to Jake about stuff like this, about females, about the different ways he views them and how I view them, but I think deep down he does care about women. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely. I love Ben so much for that, man. Thank you. I need that shit. Deep down, it's more of the same, I'm afraid. It's the porno-loving, lustful cum guzzler. And I have been disappointed in him in the past. I have been disappointed in him and choices he's made.

We would take hikes, and I would get borderline scolded for not wearing condoms. I would. I think that's so stupid. I know. You can't wear a condom with a random girl you meet. It's because it feels better. It's the same thing as the credit card. It's like, who cares about what's going to happen in three weeks? In a month, we're going to find out. Justom with a random girl you meet. It's because it feels better. It's the same thing as the credit card. It's like, who cares about what's going to happen in three weeks?

In a month, who's going to find out? Just like with a credit card. A month doesn't exist. That's the problem. He lives his life on a cliff. But there's a fundamental problem with me that I don't think about or care about consequences. I think about them. I knew I was going to get caught, but I was like, oh, it'll be fine.

Have you ever gotten a sexually transmitted disease that would slap you in a way that would make you wear a condom? Never. See, that's terrible. And I deserve one. Have you ever gotten someone pregnant? a condom? Never. See, that's terrible. And I deserve one. Have you ever gotten someone pregnant? Yes. Oh, see? Yeah.

And that wasn't enough for you to stop? Well, no. It was terrible. It was awful. It was the worst thing in the world. It was fucking terrifying. I've never talked about this on the podcast. Will your mom listen?

Should we not? No, because I mean, I told her. All right, good. But it's not enough for you to change. That's not enough. That was a pretty close call. Yeah. But that's the fucking crazy thing. It should have been enough for me to change. And it's not enough for you to change. That's not enough. That was a pretty close call. But that's the fucking crazy thing. It should have been enough for me to change. And it's not. And I do the same

shit. Do you think you'll ever change? You know what? I haven't come inside anybody since that happened. But that's just a coincidence. What do you mean it's a coincidence? Because the situation hasn't come up. If somebody wanted to fuck you without a condom, you would say fine. People want to fuck me without a condom all the time. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. Have you not because of that? Jake is pointing to his dick right now. My dick is out. I'm trying to fuck me without a condom all the time. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. Have you not because of that?

Jake is pointing to his dick right now. My dick is out. I'm trying to fuck Amir. He's trying to fuck everybody without a condom. No, I'm sorry. I'm just defending myself because I'm defending the person that I want to be and not the person I actually am. I don't know. Can I make this statement then?

Can I make this statement from myself, and I'm assuming Amir as well, that you should absolutely wear a condom for so many reasons. I mean, he agrees, but he won't do it. I agree. Everybody listening out there, wear condoms. They're good. They're necessary. Do as I do, not as I say.

No, do as I say. Do as I say, not as I do. And yeah. There we have it. I don't know. I almost don't want to talk to you about that stuff. I feel like it would be very uncomfortable for you to talk about it. Go talk to him about it.

I mean, we're the same thing. It's like talking to a mirror. It's just very responsible lovemaking. It's like talking to a mirror. Oh, a mirror. A mirror. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I just had bronchitis.

I'm spitting into a car. It's highlighter blue. I'm so sorry. I did just have bronchitis I'm spitting into a car It's highlighter blue I'm so sorry I did just have bronchitis It's awkward It would be awkward for me to talk about that stuff Let's answer a question And maybe it'll lead us there

Let's hope So these are real questions from real people If you have a question Or if you have a theme song That opening one is from a rapper named Homeless That's a cool rap name Yeah, we use a new User submitted theme song every episode

And if you have one of those, or if you just have a question for us, that email is ifiwereyoushowatgmail.com. And Jake's phone number is 213. 213, shit. What was I supposed to say? I'm sorry, the places you can do it, you can do it. No, no, no.

What I was going to say is these are real emails from real people, but we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity, and Ben's going to help us out. So this person who wrote this email is named. His name is. It's a female. Oh, her name is Shampy Chost. Shampy Chost.

Shampy Chost. Did female affect it, or is that a female name? It was going to start with an F. I was going to start feeling out an F, and then I went to a CH. I'm feeling CHs. Yeah. Sometimes I like to throw a real word at the end. Like, there was an improv scene once where I did, and I called someone Chad Salad.

That's funny. It got the biggest laugh, and I was like, it's so unfair. I'm trying hard up here. The biggest laugh was me calling someone Chad Salad. Yeah. Plural nouns are also funny as last names. All right, ready? Yeah. Chad, no me Chad Salads. Plural nouns are also funny as last names. All right, ready?

Yeah. Chad, no. Chad Salads. Champy. Yeah, Champy or something like that. It's already gone. Champy Frost. We'll give him a new one.

You want a new one? Yeah. Shirley Kalp. Shirley Kalp. Shirley Kalp writes, hey guys, so my ex and I have recently reconnected. He broke up with me out of the blue a few months ago and started dating some other girl. The day I texted him and went over to his house as friends just to catch up, he told me that they had broken up. We realized we still had feelings for each other, etc, etc, etc. My ex and I share mutual friends, so we all hung out on New Year's Eve slash New Year's Day. We shared a New Year's

kiss. Everything felt good and back to normal. That is until we ended up passing out on his bed along with my best girlfriend. The next morning, my friend and I left his house and she told me he had tried kissing her and kept touching her throughout the night. She would tell him to stop, but he was very persistent. This was all while I was in his bed a few inches away from him, trying to fall asleep, clueless as to what was happening. He told me later that day what had happened and apologized. He wants to try that relationship again. I just, I don't know what to think or feel in this situation because I can't imagine

putting moves on one of his best friends. So it hurts to think he would do that to me so easily. So does this guy deserve forgiveness or another shot. Shot through the heart. And you're to blame, darling. You gave love. I'll buy a name. Play my heart. And you'll play my game.

Baby, you gave a blame away. You said a name. I love the... All right, ready? This is what I want. Before we answer this question, I want to sing that song. Baby, you gave a blame away. Bad name. I love the... All right, ready? This is what I want. Before we answer this question, I want to sing that song and I want us all to close our eyes

and see if... We want to do a long pause and see if we come in at the same exact time. Okay, on a bad name? Now, I don't want... On a bad name, yeah. I want you to make the pause longer than it is in the song.

Okay. So we want to say, shot to the heart and you're to blame, darling. You give love beat. A bad name. We want to see if... Because that was a huge beat and we came in the same. Okay. So we want to say, Shot to the heart and you're to blame, darling. You give love. Beat. A bad name. We want to see it. Because that was a huge beat and we came in the same exact time.

That's really nice. But I was surprised. So I want to shut our eyes because I think it was because I was looking at you. And the words are, Shot to the heart and you're to blame. You give love. Ready?

Yeah. Shot to the heart and you're to blame, darling. You give love. Bad. That was too soon. That was too soon. You're making a long beat. A really long beat. Alright, let's do it again.

We're going to try it again. The person who messed it up sounds like a idiot. I'm just going to wait. I don't want to be like that ever again. Jake, you start. Yeah. Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, darling, you give love. a bad name. That was pretty good.

I heard you breathe. Yeah. I heard you breathe. You heard me breathe the first time, but you left me fucking hanging. But when Amir breathed, you were right fucking there for him. Should we do no breathing, or we're done with it? I don't know. Let's do it one more time.

Shot through the heart. Close your eyes. And you're too brave, darling. You give love. You have to breathe. No, you breathe after love. A bad name. We all breathe after love.

Okay, ready? Together we all breathe and then we pause. Here it is. Ready? Shut through the heart. And you're too blame, darling. You give love. Breathe.

A bad name. Sort of. I don't even know. To answer your question, lady, you put yourself in a three-way. You put yourself in a three-way situation. And that's what that gentleman probably thought. No. Why are you defending him?

This is the guy that gave love a bad name, I thought. I know. I was trying to give him a shot in the heart to blame. But it's like at the same time, what a weird situation. It's not a weird situation. She was in bed. It is a weird situation that he was in. He failed.

Correct. But that was not a – I don't think that was a normal – that's not a normal night. And what did they say? How do we know that he wasn't – they're all three of them were – I don't think that was a normal – that's not a normal night. And what did they say? How do we know that he wasn't – they're all three of them were – I mean, have I ever – I've never had two girls just randomly sleep in my bed. So you, your ex-girlfriend who you sort of tried to get back together with, and then this random girl sleeping in a bed together. Everyone's drunk. And then you try to make a move on the ex-girlfriend's best friend, and now she's like, should I give him another chance? It's an unequivocal no.

You shouldn't write. But I wonder what the circumstances were beforehand. That's such a – how do you end up with your girlfriend and your guy you want in the same bed? That's crazy. It's a drunken night. It's New Year's Eve. I'll say there's – if this dude is in bed with his ex-girlfriend that he might get back together with and her friend who maybe, I didn't think of it from Ben's angle, maybe he is thinking

that he's going to have a threesome. So I say, why not start with your girlfriend? I think you do one, you test the waters, but it sounds like he borderline molested someone in the bed. If that's the case, that's fucking terrible.

Right. I think you don't get back together with him and he maybe gets the electric chair. If the woman had said, if the best friend had said no, said no, I don't want to do this, and he maybe gets the electric chair if that if the woman had said if the best friend said no i said no i don't want to do this and he kept going that's terrible terrible or if he didn't get the feeling that she wasn't interested but i've never been in a situation where someone brings their their girlfriend to sleep over in my bed that would be like i would be like well they're not really boyfriend girlfriend i think they had broken up and then

they're talking about getting back together is that what it is yeah i well they're not really boyfriend girlfriend I think they had broken up and then they're talking about getting back together is that what it is yeah I mean they're probably young I feel like I've been in situations where after a party or something people are just like crashing everywhere

and you're like two or three people sitting there oh you see I don't know maybe that happens New Year's Eve sauce New Year's Eve sauce

you get it yeah you know what it is but I think that like even aside from this it sounds like he's done he's he dumped you out of the blue he dumped her out of the blue which was bad so that's strike one that's already like i don't know if i want to get back together with you because you're

you're volatile and you'll just leave me and hurt me yeah that's a pretty big so that's like that's that's a tough thing to come back from so he did that and then tried to hook up with your girlfriend or with your friend i have too much pride to ever get back together with anybody who would try to dump me right i feel like i'd be like no screw you you had your chance you fucked up and i'm not going to give you another let that guide your guide your heart yeah instead of are you are you pride pride is are you very final if you if you had broken up with someone yeah i'm super super final you would never give them another shot never for real yeah i'm like okay it okay, it's over.

It's over 100%. But is that, that's pride? That's not like you, your emotions aren't involved at all? Like you loved them? You still care? Yeah, yeah. But when I break up with the person, I'm pretty much resolved to the fact that it's over completely and I would never give that person another shot. Will you ever hook up with that person again?

No. Wow, really? Unless it's been like 10 years. But I've never hooked up with an ex-girlfriend. Well, how, would you stay friendly with them? What I was saying the other day was like I'm always staying friendly like one girlfriend removed. So like girlfriend one I wasn't friends with during girlfriend two. But then when girlfriend two and I broke up and I started dating girlfriend three,

it's like, oh, now I can become friends with girlfriend one again because there's that buffer girl. Then when I was with girlfriend three, I couldn't be friends with girlfriend two. Now that I'm done with girlfriend three, I can start being friends with girlfriend one again because there's that buffer girl. Then when I was with girlfriend three, I couldn't be friends with girlfriend two. Now that I'm done with girlfriend three, I can start being friends with girlfriend two again. The buffer girl is in the way. This is a serious, very weird question, which hopefully we never have to put ourselves in. But if let's say you're with a girl

and you really care about her, she cheats on you, you break up with her immediately, which is what I would do in a heartbeat if that happened. Trust is such a would do in a heartbeat if that happened. Trust is such a big deal to me that if that ever happened, the girl is 100% gone. And then she apologizes, whatever, and she's like, I really love you. I can't believe I made that mistake.

Being away from you made me realize how much I really care about you. Yeah. Okay. Now I kind of know your answer, but put yourself in the situation before you answer it, and I would be interested in yours. And then now in my head it's pride that's it's the pride

that's making me feel like let's say you really care about her still it's pride that's making you me or Jake say you know what fuck that

I'm not even going to give you another chance right in my head because I worry about that shit it would be if you did it once you're 100% going to do it again right

but if you really loved her if it was like a year or so afterwards and you really loved her would you give that person another shot and do you think of it as pride or what do you think of it as me first me first either one of you i find it to be a very difficult question someone asked me that and i found myself being like oh no i'm it's a no-brainer for me i would never get back together ever if someone yeah ever what about you jake um that's my instinct by the way my instinct way. My instinct is exactly what you said. It's also embarrassing because everyone knows that they cheated on you, and now you're back together.

That's such a weak move. See, that's pride. That's pride. Yeah, that's pride. But I don't think I have no pride. I think I have pride, and I think I'm just like that doesn't affect me very much. If someone cheated on you? No, I mean like what other people think if I like somebody, if I'm in love with someone.

I don't care what anybody else thinks. Oh, here's it. This is it. That's a great answer. That made me think. This is how I started thinking about it. There was a situation in real life or a movie, I forget what it was, where it was someone that was married. I think it was in real life.

Someone that was married and they have kids and they have a great life and someone made a mistake and got drunk and had sex with someone else. Married and kids is like a totally different see that i'm sorry the stakes were far higher yeah so would you see because then it is you're sacrificing so much for your pride but see i think you can take it you can take the marriage and kids and apply it to boyfriend and girlfriend too because in my eyes a relationship is like bigger than sex. It's not just this girl fucks someone, it's over. I think that like a girl that I'm actually in love with is like, she's sex, but she's like, she's a friend, she's a companion.

She's like a person who doesn't just have a pussy. She's somebody who's like, I don't know, a decent human being. So like if she uses her pussy on someone else, that kind of sucks. But it's like I still have some deeper connection to her. I hold her to a higher standard than just like a piece of – like a vagina flap. So what's your answer?

I think – Put yourself in the husband's – actually put yourself in the husband's scenario. I think like girl cheats on me, it's over. Maybe a year later I can forget it because we're so far removed from the situation i think it's hard it's hard because in my mind it's not that i couldn't forgive that person but like i would always harbor some kind of like secret resentment yes that's what it would be for me i'll never have that same connection with someone again because it's always going to be coming from a negative place i would i'd rather have like you know a perfect little utopia yeah where you can't just close

your eyes and think of her fucking somebody else behind your back oh god that's a year later imagine seeing her and just thinking of that every time i'm telling you you're sick i'm here amir keeps saying i'm not i'm not sick i'm not just have bronchitis i hear it in your voice i'm not sick. I just have bronchitis. I hear it in your voice. I'm not. You are. But like for me, when I have sex, it's kind of – it's just impersonal. Yeah, you don't put a lot of weight on sex. I don't do sex the same way. Yes, I agree. You don't put weight on sex at all.

Right. So if I'm applying my sex logic to a girl, like I cheat on my girlfriend, right? Say I cheat on my girlfriend. She's really mad. You started that by saying – Oh, like, I cheat on my girlfriend, right? Say I cheat on my girlfriend, and she's really mad. You started that by saying, I cheat on my girlfriend. In a hypothetical world, say I. All right, so say I've cheated on a girlfriend,

and then somebody's like, oh, that was terrible. You had sex with someone. That's like telling me that I ate a banana the other day. Yeah, it doesn't mean anything. It didn't even mean nothing. It was so inconsequential

that it's like, I'll never think about it again if you don't bring it up. Wow, really? Yeah. Yeah. What happens if you see the hurt in that person's eyes? Right. That's the part that I need to connect with where it's like, it's the empathy.

Wow, do you really have a problem with that? That's a form of sociopathy. Yeah, I'm a sociopath. You're not a total sociopath. No, I might be. When it comes to your love life, it seems like, no, because you wouldn't hurt somebody as a human being you wouldn't hurt amir or i or someone right right i think what i need because we're boys what i need to do is like start thinking of girls the way i think of my family or rosie's like yeah exactly or rosie

or i should just fuck rosie but you guys would be so cute together that would be the most slender fuck of all time so Long and slender fuck. There's something beyond sex where it's like, even if I want to fuck this person, and it won't even mean anything, it's like eating a banana. What I need to care more about than coming, which is usually what I care the most about,

I need to care more about being true and honest and good to somebody. But that's the part that I can't come over that. Really? I mean, I... Did you feel that when you were in relationships? I always feel it for a little bit, and then I lose it.

Yeah. What's the thing that makes you want to get out of relationships you've been in? To have sex with other people? It's a mix of, like, pussy and freedom, but I guess pussy's, like, part of the freedom. There was, like... Isn't pussy and freedom the name of your CD? Yeah, pussy and freedom is i guess pussy is like part of the freedom there was like i just like isn't pussy and freedom the name of your cd yeah pussy and freedom is the name of my

cd my memoir oh yeah look at that my unauthorized biography oh my god that's crazy your dogs your two dogs uh-huh pussy pussy freedom freedom come here freedom actually my porn name is uh wow you grew up on freedom street yep your first dog was named, wow. You grew up on Freedom Street? Yep. Your first dog was named Pussy. Freedom Pussy. I grew up on Pussy Street. Sorry, too. That was a question that I was interested in. What would you do? Well, when it came, I'm very, I have such trust stuff that if someone had ever cheated on me,

it would be, that moment, it would be over. And in my head, I hope that I would be proud enough and smart enough to be like, no, that's not, you can't do that to me. If you do that to me, you're hurting me on purpose. You did that knowing that it would hurt me. You've done it. You know what I mean? You're capable of hurting me like that?

I don't want that to be the case. I gave you my trust. You destroyed it. Yeah, and also that you did something that you knew before you did it would make me feel terrible, and you still did it. And you didn't care. Right, you didn't care me feel terrible. Right. And you still did it. And you didn't care. Right. You didn't care enough to stop. Right.

But then when someone throws kids, like I hope that I have this great family and stuff. I mean, I do have a great family now, but I hope that when I get married and I have kids. You hope it expands and grows. That I will be so in. I'm such a family person. I'll be so into them that the stakes become so crazy that if it was that I truly loved her and she truly loved me and then one night made a huge mistake. It's like I don't know what I would do. The question scared me.

When it came to me, it made me so nervous to be put in that situation because I have no idea as an adult with a wife and kids. Well, couples stay together for a multitude of reasons just because they have kids. They're like – you see older married couples. They don't even like each other anymore why are they together oh for the children so people do stay together even though it's not a great relationship for the children but if you're not married yet then it's like there's not as but isn't the whole idea you're marrying someone that you think would never do that to you yeah i mean obviously you think right but that's not the case usually

actually let's answer a question about cheating it's sort of thematically relevant yeah great um this one comes from a cheat code and mario i think i remember this question this one's even harder to answer all right let's uh we just answer yeah this is a real touch this microphone that's weird uh you can touch it real email real person named oh this guy or girl uh guy this guy's name is charlie cal ho dan caladan it's actually if you say it quickly that's fine yeah it's the way that i said it cal ho dan charlie cal ho dan right guys i've been dating this girl for a year and a half and everything is going pretty great now early, early on in our relationship, she broke up with me, but we got back together two months ago and things have been pretty swell ever since. She loves me. She's definitely a dime and we make each other laugh. There's just one problem. A few days ago, I snooped on her computer and found out that while we were broken up,

she had some serious sexual escapades. Hooking up with girls, a threesome, she had regular sex with a few dudes we know, and even a pregnancy square. And even a pregnancy scare. There were even pictures. I mean, I was so shaken up by what I had learned, but I couldn't stop looking. And we actually did talk about the time we were apart,

but all she said was that she made out with a dude. So she's lying about what happened when we say we were broken up. But what can I say? I'm the one that snooped. So what do I do? It's hard to ignore all the stuff I read, and it makes it hard to trust anything she ever tells me. On the other hand, we were broken up, and maybe she feels that what I don't know won't hurt me, except for the fact that now I do know.

Please help. Charlie Calhote, Dan. So not really cheating, but trust. The trust question is there. But that's so hard because you like. So hard. How do you learn that stuff and then come back? How do you unlearn it?

Yeah, you can't. And you think about it. You think about all the things that woman did. And she did lie, but you can't accuse her of it because the only reason that you know she lied is because you snooped around also even she didn't necessarily she did lie to protect your feelings but she what she did was fine because you guys were single she's allowed to do whatever she wants right but she's allowed to do whatever she wants even if you're together everyone's allowed to do whatever they want god you are a sociopath but uh if you found

out all this stuff would you be like, I can't. I don't think you can. I think you can only do what you can do. And I think this is going to eat away at you until you bring it up. This is the part where you need to look at it from more angles than just fucking. Like she's your girlfriend. So you know her hopes, her dreams, her fears, her family. She's like a big round person who's deep

and somebody out there got her to blow him. But that was it. He didn't have everything that you have. I said threesomes, a bunch of dudes, pregnancy squares. But it doesn't matter. That's one thing that happened. But you have her from, I mean, not have her,

but you have like, she's in your life in so many ways that other people don't have. So you don't have anything to be jealous of. They should be jealous of you. No, he has stuff to be jealous of. No, that's bullshit. She did all this crazy shit without him. What do you mean crazy shit? He does the same shit to her.

No, he doesn't. He doesn't have all this stuff. He gets a fucker. No, but he didn't, you know, make out, have a threesome. I'm sure he makes out with her. Hooking up with girls. Maybe you should say that he wants to have a threesome. How long were they separate for?

Months? I don't think it says. Two months. They were separated for two months. Did she break up with him just so she can go on this tear and come back? Yeah. That's something that you guys are afraid of. That's kind of scary also.

Is that cheating? The let's take a break and then I fuck a ton of people and then it's like, all right, that break was good. Now I'm back. I just need some me time. Well, me and her time. Me and her and her and him time. Me and her and him and him and I'm going to have a baby and oh, fuck. Actually, one more month of me time.

One more month of me time and then I'll be good because the first month was actually fucking hot. All right. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Where were we? Got that all out of All right. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Where were we? Got that all out of my system. What happened?

Where were you for two months? I honestly, I made out with a dude. But now I'm ready to be boring. Let's stay in. Let's binge watch TV and I'll get fat. Yeah, it's cold again. I don't know how I would react to that. That'd be weird.

I don't think I'd like it. No, I would hate to find that shit out. But he found it out in a bad way. So it's almost like he's stuck. It's kind of like the police finding out evidence in an illegal way, and then they can't use it in a court law. This is double jeopardy. It's absolutely the wire.

Season four. I'm on season one of The Wire, by the way. It's entrapment. I just started it. Really? See, I watched the second episode today. Oh, wow. And people keep telling me it starts really slow.

Yeah. And do you like it already, or you can see why it's slow? I'm not totally into it yet, but I'm aware how amazing it is. It's dense. Well, actually, Amir stopped watching The Wire in season three, which is something I've never heard before. Why? Is that like the craziest season? Like season three and four are the best seasons.

Don't tell me. I can't wait. I can't wait to get there. Oh, dude, it's great. The Wire is one of those funny shows where it's like, oh, it starts out really slow and season two isn't great it's like wait a minute this is the best show ever says that so the first two seasons are bad but i mean they're i like the first two seasons i'll grow to love it so what should this snooper do what should snoopy do i would uh dog i mean what is he gonna do this is my question if he asks her and brings it up about it, what changes?

Like that she lied? That's true. But I guess she lied about making out. I would bring it up. I would 100% bring it up. But what does that accomplish aside from now she knows that you snooped through her computer, so she thinks you're a Snoopy jerk and also still had three ways made out with a bunch of dudes. First of all, can we stop?

Snoopy jerk is the uncle of Snoopy that has that mustache. You're thinking of Joe Cool. Yeah, yeah. Joe Cool. I would do as follows. I would say, listen, it was a computer or a phone, iPhone, right? What? Oh, that he's through.

I think it's that. Email, whatever. Say, I took your phone. I checked some stuff out like an asshole i shouldn't have done it i was so stupid but my the reason i did it was the biggest fear of mine it came true and then i would and then i'll go into it and say like tell me what tell me what was going on but i don't understand what answer he's looking for that would make him not think about her getting pregnant what he did was worse than what she did. Well, yeah. So what he did... No, what she did is way worse.

No, he snooped. She was single. Yeah, he's the one who actually disobeyed her trust. Yeah, by the way, you're right. Well, she disobeyed his trust too. But I can see that. I can see her logic. It's a white lie. It's like, I want to get back

together with him. I want to be good and true to him. So I don't want him to be upset and jealous that this happened while we weren't together. Right. There are people also that are like, I've only been with one person my whole fucking time. I have no idea what it's like. All I'm thinking about is, what's it like to have sex with other people? Blah, blah, blah. And they need to get that out of their system.

Right. But that, again, would be... I mean, you're right. They were single. She's allowed to do whatever she wants. Nothing that she did is wrong. She can do all those things. Put on a fucking condom.

Why does nobody wear condoms? That's what I'm saying, dude. I'm telling you. Condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms. You hate condoms. Condoms are the greatest. No, dude. Trojan.

You hate them. I really dislike the way they feel. You hate a lot of things about them. Yeah. I don't like the way they feel. You love to. I bet you love coming on things. You know what? Mom, turn down the podcast.

I don't, yeah, I never really cared. Like an Oreo, like anything. No, I'm just saying. An Oreo? Just like a fucking crocodile mile. What's the hottest is an Oreo, yeah. Did you say crocodile mile? Yeah.

I brought that up last podcast. Really? Yeah, the one before you came on. 90s, 90s, 90s reference? Yeah. Do you talk about it? I was just saying a vagina wet like a crocodile mile.

I just think you can't, all right. We don't need to talk about that. We don't need to talk about that. I appreciate a wet vagina like a crocodile mile. Yeah. But I think that

the only thing he can do now is not compound all of the bad things. Compound, see you. The only thing she did wrong, by the way, the only thing she did wrong, by the way, the only thing she did wrong is that she lied to him by saying she only made out with somebody.

Yeah. That's distrustful. That's the thing I would bring up, but she is allowed to, everything she did, she's allowed to do, just like he was allowed to do. He could have done all that also. It's true. Yeah, but the snooping is bad.

Snooping is bad. Snooping is terrible. What you should really do is lie and never tell her that you snooped. Yeah, you should never. Let's make this an anti-snooping PSA. don't want to know everything like don't imagine if the other person in your life knew every single thought you had you wouldn't ever you'll never find anything good when you snoop yeah i wonder i think you want to know the person that they're willing to portray unfortunately your relationship is irreversibly ruined now

yeah i'll say that i think unless you talk about it no the only way to get past it is to talk about it i think what you were i agree with ben part one talk about it part two break up you're done it's like you're not going to be able to stop thinking about this you're either at peace with it or you're not and whether you talk about it or not it doesn't really help we're all like in our late 20s and 30s you anybody we date has fucked other people yeah everybody we date has had like long term other boyfriends you know

it's weird the older you get the weirder it is to think about that let's say you're going out with somebody going on dates with someone that one has been

I'm 32 that one person has been going out and having sex with people for the past 32 or 29 or 35 years of her life oh you're dating 65 year olds

65 years of her life yeah and like you see their kids and their granddaughters and stuff of her life. Oh, you're dating 65 year olds? 65 years of her life. And like, you see their kids and their granddaughters and stuff. I feel like the older I get, the less that matters to me.

When I was like 24, I was like, when I was in my early 20s, I would be like, oh my God, I don't want to like, you fucked like two dudes, you blew my friend,

don't, this is disgusting, I never want to know. And now I'm just like, of course, yeah, you lived your life. I fucked a lot of people, you fucked people too, this is great. Well, I to know. And now I'm just like, of course, yeah. You lived your life. I fucked a lot of people.

You fucked people too. This is great. I didn't say a lot for them. I hope that, oh, I mean, yeah, I fucked a lot of people. I just know that I personally fucked a lot of people. What happens if you found a girl that had sex with more people than you've had sex with? Yeah, no, they wouldn't. That's what I'm saying.

If you met that girl. What do you mean? Oh, wait, actually, yeah. No, I have. I have met that girl. I know I know that I know who you're talking about as well But I'm saying

Beyond that person You met a Another woman A woman that was a comedian Or someone that you really liked Spending time with Never dated a comedian But yeah

Okay whatever I'm trying to think Some beautiful actress Oh god no No way A rock climber Okay a rock climber Great

Let's say you found this Gorgeous rock climber That's just great And loves having sex And is a total free spirit, not dirty at all. She has had sex with one and a half the amount of people that you've had sex with. 1.5x. 1.5. Okay.

So would that make you not want to date that person? No, that'd be fine. Okay. Yeah. Follow-up question. Would you be excited or sad if she had been in a one-year, very sexual, very physical relationship with Alex Honnold, your rock climbing hero? I think that would be harder to get over than the sheer number. But, yeah, I'd be fine.

I could fuck better than Alex Honnold. So you think. No, I could. Imagine that body. All he cares about is climbing, and all I care about is fucking. Honnold, if you're listening to the podcast, I would put Alex Honnold on blast. My goddamn idol. This is blast for me.

I think I might. Yeah, I don't believe in God, but I believe in Honnold. I think I fucked more people than he has. Right, but would you put him on blast? I think I'm better at fucking him. I think I'm better at fucking than he is. I think I'm better at fucking him. I think I'm better at fucking than he is. I think I'm better at... I want to fuck him. I'm better at fucking him than his girlfriend is.

I remember that Jake came over once, and there was someone at my apartment who had had a lot of sex, and then Jake had the... When they talked about it, when Jake found out how many people this person had sex with, they talked about it like as if... It was a hobby. As if Amir and I had just seen The Avengers,

and we could not wait to share what happened it was amazing you loved that right? I just felt like almost an instantaneous can I say his name? instantaneous connection

I was just like you're my kindred spirit you're my brother we're like google image searching girls that we fuck. Oh, God, it was great. Can I say his name now? Can I say his name now? It was such a fun thing to watch you guys talk. But I mean, also disgusting.

Terrible. Terrible. Another Simpsons reference. Another Simpsons reference that it reminds me of is when Homer put that hair thing in and went for a run because he couldn't believe that he had hair. And then he met someone else that also had hair. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's exactly it.

That was the moment. Another line that I just thought of for some reason is when Skinner says something terrible and it's on the microphone. And then the microphone goes off and he goes, prove me wrong, children. Prove me wrong. No big deal. Have you been to a Simpsons table read? No, but I'd love to. You don't care about Simpsons, right? I like Simpsons. You don't care. I mean, take him. I grew up to a Simpsons table read? no but I'd love to you don't care about Simpsons right?

I like Simpsons you don't care I mean take him I grew up on the Simpsons you don't care about Lakers basketball I just not I can't quote it

like to the level of you guys but I did grow up on the Simpsons my parents still watch the Simpsons every Sunday wow which I don't think you guys you guys were the

as big fans as you are no I haven't seen that episode my parents have never missed an episode of the Simpsons really? I love that do they still like like season 25? Yeah.

We watched one, and I was like, I didn't like that. And my dad was like, it was pretty funny. I like that sideshow now. We should get them a thing from The Simpsons. Would they flip? Yeah, I mean, of course. Is that their favorite show? No.

Yeah, that's like our family show. We should get them something from The Simpsons. Can you do that? I think I have a script from a table read that I watched. Oh, you should keep that. That's your, dude, you. No, I took a bunch. I took 90.

I'm a very big Simpsons fan. I would do that. I'll give it to you. Give it to your parents? Yeah, I mean, they would flip out. Mom, stop listening. Oh, yeah, Mom,

this is going to be a surprise. Oh. You can't do that. Well, it'll be a surprise for my dad. Okay. We're pretty much out of time. I mean, these podcasts

are kind of unique and special in a specific way. I hope you guys still enjoy them. We didn't get to answer as many questions, but you know, we delved deeper. Things got very real. And we had more fun. You learned a lot. A lot. Yeah.

A lot about Jake. I feel like that must happen a lot, no? Yeah, yeah. I overshare. And this is the first time that I felt like I really fucking put my foot in my mouth. I think I might have said too much. Really? Yeah.

Things finally got real? For me, shit. Thanks, Ben, for coming on the show. Of course, guys. This will be fun. You guys live in Los Angeles now. We live very close to each other. It's impossible.

Yeah, let's hang out. Let's go get dinner right now, actually. Let's do it. All right. Thank you guys so much for listening to the show. That email address, once again, is ifirewshow at gmail.com. That first theme song submitted was from a rapper that he calls himself Homeless. And this last theme song

is from another musician named Ray. So please enjoy these and thanks so much for listening. We'll be back on Monday. Later. If you don't know which way to go Or which way is the end What if I were you

And you're joking That's it. That was our episode. Thanks again to nicelaundry.com. Please, if you're near a computer, just check them out. Go to nicelaundry.com. See for yourself if you near a computer, just check them out. Go to nicelaundry.com. See for yourself. If you like what you see, buy something. It'll really help us out. Help them out. Help you out. Later, guys.