Segments - 54: Rap Love

Episode Date: January 20, 2014

In this episode we discuss hip-hop, haters, and taking somebody back. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox! Deliciously affordable snacks delivered to your home for just $20 a month! And for now you can click here for 50% off your first box: http://bit.ly/1idZxFp See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Oh my God, he's dead. All right, let's get started. Started from the bottom, now we're here. If I were you, show it, Jake and Amir. Yeah, we started from the bottom, now we're here. Two of them a week, podcast of the year. Yeah, we started from the bottom, now we're here. If I were you, show it, Jake and Amir.

Yeah, we started from the bottom, now we're here if i were you show with jake and amir yeah we started from the bottom now we're here two of them a week podcast of the year yeah jake doesn't have his own home living at his mama crib texting on his phone saying mommy mommy i just need some cash she threw him the keys and he never brought it back and amir was a really late bloomer. Always playing GoldenEye. Stuck on his computer, man. I just think it's funny how it goes. Two white dudes with an internet show. And they started from the bottom.

Now we here. If I were you, show it. Jake and Amir. Yeah, we started from the bottom. Now we here. Two of them a week. Podcast of the year. Yeah.

Did you like that? I liked it a lot. You like Drake? Uh-huh. Yeah, here's a line I would have added. I use every single mic even when I'm in the cave because we started from the bottom now. We started from the cave now here. I don't know.

I would love to collaborate with you, sir. That's Riley Deacon who made that. It kind of sounds like Drake. Yeah, Riley, do you want to do, let's do one for worst behavior, too. What's that one? Worst? Motherfuckers never loved us. Came up, that's all me.

Oh, yeah, you like all me. I only know two or three Drake songs. You know all the Drake songs. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All me for real. No help, that's all me. What a mean thing to say in a song that someone else wrote maybe for you.

He wrote it. Somebody else made the beat. Yeah. No, he got help for sure. I mean, other ones of his songs, he talks about, there's a song on Take Care that's all about thank you to his mom and uncle for like helping him when he was struggling yeah where was that when it's all i don't know it's not really about like the sentiment is it's just sort of a dope song you know you have to take it it's i don't know he's just doing a bit take it

with a drink of salt is what you're saying yeah Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Drake. The transformation is complete. I'm finally Drake now. Is Drake's real name Drake? His real name is Aubrey Drake Graham. He really turned that nerdy name into like a cool thing.

Like Drake is a nerdy name. Not anymore. Yeah, just because he's Drake. Drake. Yeah. If somebody else is named Drake, it would be nerdy kendrick lamar oh yeah kendrick like two of the most popular rappers now are named kendrick and drake everyone is like snoop dogg and dr dre yeah tupac now it's uh kendrick and drake melvin the Rapsmith. Lionel.

Yeah. And Sean. Big Sean, but Sean. Sean nonetheless. Sean. Drake, Sean, and Kendrick. The world's best rappers. Hello, gents.

I have a song that I think will really float your boat. It's about my dick being as large as an Eiffel Tower. Hit it, fellas. Was that Kendrick Lamar? That's Kendrick, yeah. He says, all my life I want money and power. Respect my mind or die from lead shower. I hope that one day my dick be as big as the Eiffel Tower.

So I can fuck the world for 72 hours. God damn, I got bitches. Damn, I got bitches. By the way, that's not how fucking works, right? If your dick is bigger, you can't fuck girls for longer. Right. You also have to... If it was as big as the Eiffel Tower,

it would definitely prohibit you from fucking anybody. Well, the world, I feel like in terms of the Earth's crust and the size of the world, all relative to the Eiffel Tower, that's a tiny dick. Yeah, it's a drop in the bucket. Your penis is like nothing. Yeah.

If you're talking about penetrating the Earth. Yeah. No. It should have been like as big as the O'Burge Dubai Tower. Yeah, or like the moon. Yeah. What's something that could like fuck the Earth and have it feel like it was being filled up?

I guess the moon, but an oblong instead of a sphere. Right. Yeah. I don't know. I wish his dick was that big. Anyway, so that's how big I wish my dick were. I think that's also, like, that's a little telling. He's basically shouting from the rooftops

that he's got a tiny dick right now. Well, not tiny, just smaller than the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, dude, but now we all know his dick is smaller than the Eiffel Tower. I never said jack shit about the size of my dick on this podcast, and that's why everybody assumes it's around the size

of the Eiffel Tower 310 meters tall that might not be true so how does this show work well we dissect rap for about 4 minutes then we explain how it works which is now then we take people's emails

ifireyoushow at gmail.com people who find themselves in difficult places in their lives and they need some advice, so they come to us and we do our best to guide them out of it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Hopefully it's always entertaining. Did I miss anything? I think you added one sentence too much. How dare you?

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but hopefully it's entertaining. That should just come through. Hopefully it's entertaining. Yeah, we don't have to say hopefully it's entertaining. Let's just launch into it and we'll hope internally that it's entertaining. That should just come through. Hopefully it's entertaining. Yeah, we don't have to say hopefully it's entertaining. Let's just launch into it, and we'll hope internally that it's entertaining. You're a Tuesday morning quarterback. You do nothing, and then you critique. Yep.

Yeah. A Tuesday morning quarterback, also known as a coach, buddy. Pretty important part of the football team. Tell you what. Yeah, I review the tapes, and I critique my players. I'm the offensive coordinator. Certainly they can't play't play football but you know they sure as hell know what it is they know what goes into it get how it works they know what makes better players motherfuckers never loved us what's that uh that's uh worst behavior

um murce all right should we get started yeah well For this theme, we'll give people fake rap names Oh, great So, this first question Real question from real people, but we're gonna give them fake names to preserve their Anonymity And this person is named 2 Chainz 2 Chainz writes

Hey dudes, I'm a college freshman currently trying to make long distance work with my first serious girlfriend. She is having a harder time than me dealing with long distance and broke up with me two months ago. I took the breakup very hard and barely left my room for weeks. A month later, she came back to me crying and begged for me to take her back. I did, but later found out that she'd made out with four guys and blown two of them during our break. Even though we weren't together at the time, I can't help but feel like I was cheated on. Will things get better, or should I bail? Got a lot of responses to this question.

Really? A lot of responses. Okay. Number one, I'll say, you weren't cheated on, so stop feeling like that. But he was cheated on light. No, he wasn't. This is diet cheated on. This is not.

There's cheated on, which is Coca-Cola Classic, and this is cheated on zero. In what world was he cheated on? Because she felt bad to cheat on him, so she took a one-month break. It's not a break. They broke up. She didn't say, I need a break. I need to figure myself out. Then she made out with four guys, blew two of them, which is a very specific number that he knows,

and then she wants to come back. I feel like if he had said she had blown two guys, I would have assumed that they made out too. Does the four make out include the two blows? Or is it four guys total, two of them blown as well? I think four guys total, all of them got French kisses, two of them got french blowjobs what's french blowjob french kiss on your penis instead of pecking the penis the french how the french do it uh so yeah i mean like if you don't want to cheat on someone a good way to do it is like to break up with them for a month get all your uh wild oats sown in about a month or two blow a

couple dudes you're this is not come back this is not fair why you're you're small-minded closed-minded and absent-minded so you're saying this girl's this wasn't this girl's plan all along i think i mean not not necessarily she broke up with him maybe she wanted to be with other people maybe that was one of the reasons she broke up but then she had two months and she realized those other people weren't as satisfying as this guy so So she came back. So do you think this guy should take her back? Well, here's my problem with it. Unfortunately, this guy didn't also have the same, he didn't have the same experience as his ex.

No, he had the opposite, where he was just heartbroken. So he's going to feel slighted that he was like sitting in his bed, crying, super bummed. Now he's just thinking like, yeah, so that day that I like watched nine hours of TV, jerked off four times

and like didn't eat any food. She was sucking someone's so that day that I watched nine hours of TV, jerked off four times, and didn't eat any food, she was sucking someone's dick that day. Well, maybe not. Two guys out of 60. There was just a 1 in 30 chance that she was, you know, S-ing a D that day. Yeah, yeah. With that math, there's a 100% chance that that dude getting blown wasn't you. Oh, all right.

Very nice. You nerd. Relax a little bit. Thank you. I will. I will relax. I know. I try relax. I know. I try not to pull any punches, and I'm not about to start today.

And at the same time, you don't have to keep throwing them. All right, that is true, but if I come out swinging, I'm not going to hold back. Absolutely. But if I duck, take it easy on me. Back into our respective corners. I'm very fragile. Okay. Yes, please.

Okay, all right. The problem is I never, I come out and I just happen. You're a loser, dude. Sorry. Shit. Wow. Sorry. Shit. Wow. That was accidental. No, it was not.

That was not neat. I see a post-it note on your palm that says, you're a loser, dude. I was talking to myself. Say it in the third round and you'll go down. All right, so yeah, I think he wasn't cheated on. I think that he wasn't even diet cheated on. I think that, like, this girl just didn't want to be with him for maybe a multitude of reasons. Maybe one of the reasons was that she wanted to be with other people, which is a valid reason to break up with someone. She broke up, did what she did.

She didn't have a boyfriend. That's fine. That's legal. That's okay. Yeah. And now she came back. He found out that she blew two guys but and that's that knowledge just sucks to have yeah i think it's up to you if you

can if you can live with it or if you're gonna resent her for it and you're gonna have a bad relationship if you're gonna have a bad relationship if you won't be able to forget this if you don't be able to move past it then don don't take her back and just say, hey, I'm sorry. I know you did your thing and I don't hate you for it, but at the same time, I can't be in a relationship where I harbor any bad feelings for you. I mean taking her back at this point I think would be the weakest move ever. For two months, she'll just have that huge thing lording over you. Like I was sad for two months when we were apart. You blew two guys, and now we're back together. How do you ever get over that fact?

I don't know. That's not necessarily lording anything over him. But she has the mental advantage from here on out. Well, that's the thing. You can get past it in your mind. Well, who's to say that she's not going to break up in another year, want another break, blow two other guys, French four more, and then come back? That's more valid.

That is more valid. But I think just because she blew two people doesn't make her not worthy of coming back. Yeah, but I wouldn't recommend. If I were you, I would not take her back. I think you just put too much weight into sex. Well, not necessarily that. I'm just a very small uh uh small proud judgmental dude so if someone you loved uh-huh said broke up with broke up with you yeah just blew two dudes yeah

and she came back and she said you know what i um i sucked two dicks but i didn't i didn't like fall in love with their families i didn't make them laugh i didn't think about them like in the middle of the night and wonder how their jobs were going and like want to connect with you on every possible level or want to connect with them on every possible level you would say you know what you had another dick in your mouth so we're done yeah i would say why don't you go talk to the two guys that you blew? I suggest not doing it with your mouth full, sweetheart. Oh, my God. I just think people are so much more multifaceted than just blowjobs. I'm a black and white type of guy.

That's ridiculous. All right. So my advice is to search within yourself and decide if you can actually be in a relationship without harboring any resentment it sounds like amir is the kind of person who can't kick that bitch to the curb yo what trick song is that i don't think that is one you know what when someone breaks up with you you don't get the a lot of opportunities to uh then uh turn the tables on them and break up with them. The fact that she wants to come back

is a blessing because you get to tell her no. Oh, sorry. You can't come back. I've moved on, actually. You hurt me and I don't want you to do that again. You don't have the right to do that again. Go S another D. Then you're so proud that you're like

you're so proud that you're doing yourself a disservice. Absolutely. I will die a proud, alone loser before I take this girl back. You wrote this question. Two chains, takes. Oh, God, I made a terrible mistake. Hey, question alert. Hey, question alert.

Next question? Yeah, old question alert. Hey, question alert. Next question. Yeah, next question. I need a Rapsmith name. A local rapster. A rapster. Sir? Yeah, ASAP Rocky. ASAP Rocky?

ASAP Rocky. Is that short for As Soon As Possible Richard? Yeah. What's his famous song? Is that the song that goes, I ring, ding, ding, ding, I ring, ding, ding, ding. No, he does, he sings, or I mean, he's fucking Problems, though that's also, I love bad bitches,

that's my fucking Problems. That's on his album, though Drake and Kendrick are also on it. He does Wow for the Night. Oh yeah, that's a great song. I'm going. That's actually him playing the kazoo. Yeah.

That's what he means by Wild for the Night. Wild for the Night. Yeah. All right. Asshole back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back. All right. All right. ASAP writes, hey, dudes, first time caller, long time baller.

JK, I suck at basketball. About two months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend in an extremely kind and caring manner so that I wouldn't hurt her feelings. I thought things ended amicably, but new evidence points to the contrary. For about the past month, my ex has been putting me on a tri-weekly blast via Twitter. Her subtweets, which are definitely about me, are an insult to my character. She persistently claims that I am fake, and these tweets fill me with a white-hot rage. Should I tell her that the real reason I broke up with her was because she was very plain, below-average intelligence, and not talented at anything?

When adding up the pros and cons of breaking up, the only pro for staying with her was her exceptional sexual abilities. Be my moral compass. Love, ASAP. Fuck yo dreams. Ah, shit. That's, um, it's interesting because if he tells her the truth,

then it just does come out that he was fake the entire time, right? It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Tri-weekly blast is not how you want to live your life. Right, but at the same time, you don't want to stoop to her level. I think the best thing, you don't want to stoop to her level. Right. I think the best thing, what I would do, the best thing that he can do is to ignore it.

Right. Because that puts you above her. As soon as you get into that Twitter battle with her, she's dragging you down. Yeah. You're on her level. Living well is the best revenge. Yeah. That's what they say.

Hate is going to hate. You don't want to fight blast with blast. Yeah. That's a nuclear blast off. All you can do, once you've been put on blast, you really just have to, you have to, you Hate is going to hate. You don't want to fight blast with blast. Yeah, it's a nuclear blast-off. Once you've been put on blast, you really just have to hold your head high and say, you know what, I know in my heart of hearts that I didn't deserve this blast. Least of all, try weekly to be sure that is excessive, unfair, and unwarranted, actually.

I don't deserve these try weekly blasts. Instead, try a weekly blast. That way I'm only getting blasted once a week. Fuck try-weekly blast. How about try-week blast? So, well, I mean, in general, if you were to zoom out of this specific example, the best way to really piss off somebody who's, like, yelling at you and trying to piss you off

trying to get your attention is to ignore them that's how they go away right like if i made a diss track to a popular rapper he's not going to get down there and respond to me but if like a big boy starts dissing him then you you only want to respond to people who are bigger than you yeah yeah interesting um like we get tweets and hate mail all the time not all the time well not all the time but a couple i would say tri-weekly you think i'm put on a tri-weekly blast yeah i'd say no yeah i guess like i but that's that's what you always do you just you ignore your haters yeah you respond to positivity that's it that's all you got to do and i think uh Yeah, the rap feud. It's equivalent.

I think we can't get swept up in that the way Kendrick and Drake have. Yeah, we already lost too many fallen soldiers, guys. We can't keep tweeting. RIP Biggie. You know what? Yeah. Honestly, every time I find any bit of success, I thank my haters. Why?

Y'all make me stronger. Why? This podcast, this one right here, this one's for my haters. Wait, which one? This one's for my haters today. This is for my haters. Oh, just this episode? Yeah.

That's what's up. Nature Box. Nature Box, yo, thank you for the money. And guess what, haters? Y'all still listen to my podcast, and I'm still getting Mad Skrilla, free snacks from Nature Box. I am rich as fuck off this podcast you understand and i owe every single dollar to my haters no because you push me you push me to leave you in the goddamn dust so thanks for hating keep it up baby so you

would say this episode is brought to you by nature rocks and your haters nature box and my haters my entire career my entire life is brought to you by my haters really uh-huh so it's sponsored by your haters i feed off that hate dude it inspires me it inspires me you just said you're barely getting any hater aid i know i have to dig deep but i get it yeah in fact sometimes i act like an asshole in public just so that the haters just come calling out of the word give it to me give it to me i'll tweet some like pretty off-color shit about not being like not wanting to give to charity and then people start like hating on me and that makes me stronger yeah like i'll push people i'll punch people in public you asshole you backwards man um so anyway the advice for

this man is to ignore the hate. Stay above it. Yeah. That's us being your moral compass. Anything else? Yeah. No. That's it.

Jesus. All right. Cheers. Moving on. Absolutely cheers. Ciao, actually. Ciao. Ciao and cheers.

You know I started saying ciao? Why? Have you noticed that I started to say ciao? No. It started about two months ago. I used to say it as a joke to like, you know, make fun of, like, I just think it's a funny, goofy thing to say. Yeah, chow.

I'm like, all right, I would say cheers, and then I would say chow. Like, all right, cheers, chow. All right, yes, yes, yes. Good to speak with you. And then- Cheers and chow? Cheers. I say, yes, all right, thank you.

This was a nice conversation. Cheers, chow. I bid you adieu. And that's like sort of my old exit to a conversation. But but now i've started it's so genuine that i say ciao i can't stop myself i just actually say it um it's yeah like i say it to the well friends and family i don't often have like conversations with strangers where i need to like say goodbye yeah but yeah chow chow like ridiculous you know what it means you know what it is and i'm saying it chow chow 2014 the year of chow chow's time to shine all right let's uh move on okay you got a third rap smith uh lil wayne who lil wayne little wayne lil wayne little Lil Wayne. Who? Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne? Lil Wayne. Little?

Lil. L-I-apostrophe-L, dude. Actually, I think it's just L-I-L Wayne. It doesn't matter. It's not little, all right? What's his famous song? Oh, man. He has so many.

Like a lollipop. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't think I like Lil Wayne. What, yes, you do. I got that good cushion alcohol. Oh, yeah, some damn bitches you'll fuck about those haters oh he doesn't love me yeah yeah he's the same way as you he doesn't give a fuck about his haters as long as my bitches love me yeah that song has the funniest line in it um oh he says it's so sweet he's like talking about a girl he's like

she says baby I don't make you mad I just want to make you proud I said girl just make me come and then don't make a sound that you think is sweet I think no I think the girl's being sweet

it's like I don't want to make you mad I just want to make you proud and his response is baby just make me come then don't make a sound. And that's okay. That's okay to be part of pop culture.

Also, Lil Wayne has that line that you like, R.I.P. rest in pussy. Oh, yeah, that's funny. Lil Wayne's hilarious. At one point, just in the middle of a song, he goes, R.I.P. rest in pussy. Pussy tastes just like heaven on earth. R.I.P. rest in pussy.

How is this okay to be on the radio like we're so like as a society very uptight and like prude like whoa let's not put any boobs on tv you can't swear you can't do this but then yeah sometimes on the radio a guy will just be like i just want to make you proud so make me come and don't make a sound i don't think i don't think they play that we're listening to that song on my spotify usually but they probably play it on the radio with like that one word gone i guess that's true it's like girl just make me and don't make a sound yeah everyone knows what it is i feel a heartbeat i'm chest to chest with this bitch now turn around face down i'm arresting this bitch that's lil wayne too yeah it's dope

it's the same song so like his thing is sort of that he likes um coming and uh bitches don't make a sound right what he's his his uh hates or haters and uh uh yeah i guess that's basically it he loves bitches and hates haters yeah and, and he likes syrup. There should be baseball cards for rappers that you can see hates, likes. Right, like how much Lil Wayne likes ass, how much he likes pussy, how much he likes weed, how much he likes cars. Because I don't think he likes cars very much, but I know he loves pussy. Yeah. What about Drake?

What would his likes and dislikes be uh drake's sort of like i feel like most of his songs are about being number one yeah he likes he likes pussy but in sort of a more remorseful way than lil wayne he like drake has some guilt to him isn't there a line about like i don't even know how much i have yeah i i forgot it's a lot. Fuck that. Never mind what I got. Came up. That's all me. Yeah. I like saying never mind in a song.

Like you wrote the first part. You can just delete it. Yeah. Fuck it. Never mind what I got. Well, that's Drake, man. Showing you that real shit. Yeah.

That good cushion alcohol. All right. Third question. Hey, guys. Oh, this is a female. Can we get a female. Can we get a female name? Nicki Minaj.

Nicki Minaj. She's a rapper, not a pop star. She's both? Both, yeah. You ever heard her rap? Yeah, I guess so. Gonna get a beach, beach. I guess that is rap.

What do female rappers rap about if not fucking bitches cars and money I was just yeah Nicki Minaj has a great song with Drake and it's she Nicki Minaj

talks about like how wet her pussy gets and like how good she is at sex a lot that's what Lil Tim used to rap about too so she raps about fucking guys

yeah one of her lines in that song is like and I always ride slow when I'm straddling and my shit's so wet you gotta paddle in. Jesus Christ.

Row your boat. Row your boat. Yeah, it's great. Good shit. Good song. All right, Lil' Kim writes. No, not Lil' Kim. Oh, shit.

Nicki Minaj. Lil' Kim's in jail. We're not giving her anything. She's a fucking felon. She doesn't deserve this. All right. Nicki Minaj writes, Hey, guys.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about four months. We're both 24, and I think this is the real deal. He's wonderful, smart, caring, and it's close to perfect as someone can get. We get along very well and have yet to get into an argument, and I'm pretty confident that this is the relationship that will last a long, long time. Now for the question. We haven't said I love you yet. From my understanding, the general rule of thumb is that the guy says it first,

but I often find myself holding back from saying it with him. I really think I love him, and I kind of just want to yell it from the rooftops, but I also don't want to rush saying it. What do you guys think? Should I say it? Should I wait for him to say it first thanks nicky minaj shit real question yeah i don't know what do you uh that's the answer yeah i don't know i don't know nicky this is a hard one because you don't have too much experience in this because there's only so many people you can love it's not like a hooking up question yeah um it's sort of like the question we had a week or two ago where um uh the payment who pays yeah who pays on a date like it is like

i feel like it is one of those rules of society that the man says i love you first but it should be okay for the girl to do it. You think four months is roughly the range? The Sadie Hawkins love. What do you think is a good range of saying I love you? Four to eight months in? Yeah, I'm trying to think back on my past experience. I think it's usually...

For you, it's within the first three weeks. Well, I know within the first second, and I hold back for as long as possible like a week and a half uh i know i think like three i feel like three to four months is a nice range because yeah then i mean it is good it's good to have that like those couple months where you're just like i have a crush on you i like you it's so playful and nice and i feel like that's probably the time when like the love is actually most intense and then you like a couple months later you acknowledge it like hey this is uh i actually uh love you and i maybe uh did for a couple maybe i did this whole time well here's the the thing that i can see is like the first two to three months it might

not be love it might just be this intense physical crush that you have infatuation yeah it's like this exciting new feeling that may sort of be love but might just be like love's cousin or something diet love lust or something you're just like so into the person because it's new and fresh and exciting right maybe you should wait for that to die down get into this the plateau of the normal phase and if you still like person, maybe that's what the love is. Yeah, but I feel like you always want to be taking like, you want to be like growing, not plateauing. Just like up, up, up, up. That does rhyme, but you can't keep that.

Growing, not plateauing. Yo, this bitch, she be knowing. Showing, ever growing, not plateauing. It's a sewing. Sewing? Sewing? Sewing your wild oats? Because we flowing and I'm going where this Boeing is.

Wow, way to reference Boeing. Yeah, this episode is brought to you by NatureBox, my haters, and Boeing. Check out the new 757S class. Don't forget to use the words Jake and Amir as your boarding to be detained by the TSA. Upgrade it to business class select. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, you can't keep that rate of growing that you have in the first three months. That's impossible.

You can't keep that up. Right. Nobody's that passionate forever. I think there's something that the first three months, I feel like that is love. I feel like love is so, it has many, many different forms. And that's definitely one of them. Right. Where you're finding everything out about somebody and it's super exciting.

And you don't feel that intense again in the relationship. Yeah. So you're saying that's also love or that is what love is? I think that's a version of love. I think that you can make it more real later on by like grounding it and getting putting your actual roots down but i don't think i mean i also don't know because i uh i'll never experience it but that's what i wish it's like are you okay i'm crying actually your shit vibrating here it goes is this what crying feels like? No. Okay.

I just had gas. I got up to the brink and I just burped and that was it. I was just tapping your back until love or gas came out. But I don't – well, first of all, love can be anything because it's sort of like amorphous. Like you can say I love you and sure, if that's true to you, then it's true just by default. But I think if you think that's love and then you can feel love four to five times a year, then it's not really love. I think that's too often to feel love. I don't think you can feel love that often.

You only have a finite amount. Well, you can't because you're a robot. Yeah. What is love? It's weird because neither of us will ever feel it because you're a robot and you're a robot it's weird because baby don't hurt me neither of us will ever feel it because you're a robot yeah and you're trying to break down like the uh the the actual the mathematics of love to uh you just put like three or four months that's like four times a year so i don't know if that's enough to feel love and i'm just and i love like 95 different people in in a week so it's like oh that's not real love either. So yeah, we're both fucked.

Thankfully, her question was, is it okay for the girl to say it first? We got too real, I think. We don't know what got real. Basically, we've outed ourselves as not knowing what the fuck love is, but thankfully, we can still answer this question.

So? I think it's okay for you to say it first, but I feel like it will mean more to you if he says it first. Sure, it always means more when you're not asking for it. Right, so just wait. You can wait. There's ways to show your love and show your appreciation and show your affection. But why are you telling her to wait? Because I don't want her to say I love you and then he says it back and she's like,

Oh, no, did he only say it back because I like forced him. It was so like I was the aggressor. Girls never say I love you first and now I like made him say it. First of all, I've never heard that rule that girls never say I love you first. Really? Yeah, I've never heard that rule. Have girls said I love you first to you? Well, for me, what if I'm like this guy, this 24-year-old and like I will never say it first just because I am an emotional robot.

Have you never said it first? It i am an emotional robot and i have you never said it first it's always like come out of a conversation that i didn't start so i might have said it first but it was a conversation that was initiated by somebody else it comes out of a conversation yeah just like while you're yeah like defining what we are who we are should we take the next steps yeah i guess i think i do uh it's never just like i, I grab this person that I'm with and I'll be like, I have to tell you something. So this guy might be like me, not very much in touch with his emotions,

and especially at age 24, you don't know what the fuck you're doing. At age 24, yes you do. Well, I'm saying you're not emotionally all there yet, maybe, and he might be waiting for her. At age 24, I had already said I love you to three people.

Right, yeah. That doesn't shock me. That's not a lot. But each one was like, you know, I felt romantic. Were you always the first one and it came out of nothing? Yeah. Well, I guess you're better than me. Correct.

Great. Okay, it is great. So, yeah. How dare you not come to my defense i'm throwing myself under the bus and hope that you'll that you'll rescue me or at the very least bump the brakes but what you're doing is parking on my spine uh i i don't know i guess you can say it first i've had girls say it first to me too. Oh, you loser. Well, I mean, I can't help it. What's that?

I can't hear you barely. It's what I said. Douche. I guess it just meant like if you just want to say it, then say it. But if you like want something more out of it, like you want to feel his love, then I think you have to wait. No. Okay. Well, it's good when we disagree.

So you think she should just say it? Yeah, I guess if you're feeling it, you should say it. Or broach the subject and see how he reacts. You don't have to go full on. Dip your toes in the love water. See if anything comes out. Yeah. But there's also no shame for waiting for another month or two.

Sometimes you just got to be a man. Girl? I'm talking about that dude. Did you know about this rule where the guy has to say it first? Yeah. It's like the guy pays for the... I'm not saying that I agree with all of them. Yeah, but I've heard of guy pay for dinner pay for the date guy proposes guy asked the girl to

the dance guy says i love you that's that's just like the way we're conditioned to think it's supposed to be all right if you say so i'm not saying it's correct right but and i'm also saying that you can say i love you if you love him and you want to say it but if you want to feel like he did it first you want to feel more secure right you but this girl can be waiting forever if it's a dude like me right but maybe there's ways that she can make him like want to say it you know there's nice things that she can do romantic gestures that will make him realize I love this girl I'm gonna tell her all right the last question sort of has to do with the types of people we are.

So do you want to take a break or do you want to just get straight into it? I feel like we took a break with all the rap talk. Yeah. So why don't we just do it? All right. So give me one last rap question. Give me one more platinum plaque and fuck rap. You can have it back.

So Dr. Dre. Okay. So Dr. Dre writes. Dr. Dre says. Nothing, you idiots. Dr idiots dr dre's dead he's locked in my basement uh we never gave props to marshall mathers throughout this entire rap podcast yeah and he's a rap god yeah why be a king all right ready yeah hey guys so i'm not the best looking dude around but that's not problem. My charismatic extrovert personality attracts plenty of ladies. The problem is I'm not really interested in a relationship at the moment, but still have the base physical needs. I've tried being upfront and honest, but I just feel like a shitty individual even when they say they're up for it.

What's the best way to ditch my morals and go about hooking up with someone without possibly hurting their feelings? Thanks, guys. So simply put, this guy wants to go from a me who like overanalyzes and is hyper aware of other people's emotions to a fault that they can't even like let loose at any time because you just feel so bad or like you start thinking about the implications of what tomorrow will bring and what you should text and do all this stuff to someone like you who doesn't consider consequences also maybe to a fault, but maybe he wants to find himself in the middle of these two things. Right. So can someone turn from a me to a you? I think personally, and I thought about this recently.

What's harder me going to the middle of in between you and me or you going into the middle of in between me and you I think we're both fucked I don't I think it's

impossible for both of us because we're stuck yeah because of our age or just how our brain is wired I guess maybe it's easier for you to do it because you have more willpower

than I do so I can just like in a weird logical way create a reality where I have to logically let myself go. Yeah, if you turn it into some kind of game, I think you can do it.

Because you love like mind games. Yeah, I just have to consider it a way to improve myself, like a Rubik's Cube or running. And me, I'm just like, I'm stuck completely. I'll never change. But I do think there's one thing that he's talking about that he could talking about that he could get over and will make it easier which is well he's viewing um being like sexually free and

you know um he's viewing being a sexual being as something that's bad he's thinking of like sleeping with random people and you know talking to different girls as like a negative. Where I don't think that you necessarily have to be an asshole to sleep with a lot of people. I'm nice to everybody I fuck. Right. I think there's just like. So what's the problem? That I do it to too many people and it gets like over.

And then I don't know because then I well if it's if it's happening to too many people then it's rude then I get mean because I'm like leaving people hanging I'm like leaving them confused but are you not up front with these ladies

being like I don't think there's a reason you don't have to be up front yeah it's weird to meet somebody in a bar and be like hey you're really cool but I'm not looking for anything serious like okay neither am i why are you putting on

that on the girl like the every girl that fucks you is looking for something serious right but some people are just by playing the numbers right but i think you can find that out and then you can tell them as long as you're not stringing anyone along as long as you're never lying as long as you're never ignoring anyone as long as you're never talking shit about anyone as long as you're never lying as long as you're never ignoring anyone as long as you're never talking shit about anyone as long as you're never ever giving them a negative experience or as soon as you start to you emphatically apologize and stop so what whatever those things are you not doing that you consider bad um well i i haven't been doing this in like a month now right since i moved it's a long time for me since i moved out to la okay but three months ago what were the bad things of those things that you were doing um stringing people

along lying to them giving them a bad experience talking shit about them i would never i never talk shit never mean i would i string people along we're like i'll i'll sleep with somebody it's a positive fun experience everyone's having fun i'm nice we're liking each other and then they're like they want to hang out again naturally because you know people who have a nice positive sexual experience with someone think that it's normal to have to want to do it again yeah but i like sort of freak out i'm like if i do it too many times then it's going to be like a regular thing then they're going to expect something of me so i this is the part where i should be like hey i'm like i don't want to see you i'm not looking for anything serious but instead I'll be like

hey I can't tonight but I really want to see you next week when it's not really the case right because you don't want to be mean to them but that's the thing sometimes it is the case sometimes I really don't want to see them that week but I really do want to see them the next week right I think it's just like it can be confusing for people and it gives me

some guilt but also as long as I'm always up front always honest you never feel too bad no so maybe that's the advice for this guy should be is uh there's nothing you're not doing anything actually bad so you have nothing to feel guilty about yeah just get over that guilt yeah and then i think you'll it sounds like you have a a good moral compass here so if you start if it starts to get bad then you'll, it sounds like you have a good moral compass here. So if you start, if it starts to get bad, then you'll know. Right. What's the best way to ditch my morals?

Realize that your morals are flawed. Yeah. You don't want to be, I don't know. I don't know. It's sort of like what they did in Vietnam, you know, you have to dehumanize the enemy. So yeah, put propaganda of 28 year old hipsters around your apartment what you need to do is just is is realize that like the the thing that's holding you back from uh killing these vietnamese soldiers isn't real i'm not sure exactly how this works

but there is a way to brainwash yourself with uh i really i genuinely think that he's that he that he's uh put it that he's like making a bad thing when it's not a bad thing right just realize that it's okay to that girls have fun having sex too so what what do you what would your advice be to me to loosen up if I'm too much to the other end? I mean, you've loosened up a lot. But they're still like, oh, this person is actually pretty cute, but she said this one thing or does this one thing, and I'm just not even going to – I don't even want to ever talk to her again. I do not want to hang out with them again. Because they do one bad thing.

They have one bad photo on Instagram. Right. I will scrutinize this one thing. I don't want to meet up with them i don't know you have to look at bigger picture stuff but that's hard because i mean i sometimes do the same exact thing you're too judgmental not too judgmental but like i'll like folk like hone in on one thing that i don't like and it'll like ruin an experience for me but you won't let it stop you from trying to sleep with somebody. I'll let it stop me from trying to sleep with them a second time. The way I act towards women is the way you act towards women

after you've already slept with them. Right, yeah. My baseline is that I have to fuck them. Okay, now that I fuck them, now I'm on your level. And I'm already there. Right. I don't know.

You have to be having more fun than you are turn it into a game turn it into a game quantify the experience oh no see if i can rack up my number do you care about your number of do you get excited about numbers like uh like oh i hooked up with this many people in this many days oh that's a fun little streak oh i have this many people in this month oh i want to try to like fun little streak. Oh, I have this many people in this month. Oh, I want to try to like break my record. Um,

I don't think I care. I mean, I think I'm aware of numbers like that, but I don't care about them at all. It doesn't drive you. You're not like, Oh, I want to hook up with this person because then that'll make X in Y days.

Oh no. I'm all about like one. I'm all about like an experience. Like I want to have this experience right now. And then afterwards I might be like, wow, I've like been with this many girls this week or something right but it's all it's never about like all right dude i gotta get my numbers up last week i hooked up with two girls

and that was shitty it's like glenn gary glenn ross they're they're just trying to like hit quotas oh yeah no i have no i have like no quotas at all i was just going on my feelings these leads are weak um when you said another good thing yesterday. We did Alison Rosen's podcast. You were like, on day two, she's never new. Oh, yeah. We were talking about how I can't, how I like, I think you were saying a girl, like any girl that wants to date me, like her biggest problem is that she's not 12 girls. Right.

And I was like, yeah, like I just need new things all the time. And then I said, on day two, she's not new. The douchiest rhyme ever. But it's also, it's pretty just need new things all the time. And then I said, on day two, she's not new. It's the douchiest rhyme ever. But it's also pretty cool. You're wearing it on a t-shirt right now. I wouldn't do that. I also have hash mark tattoos of every girl I've ever Frenched. I've ever Frenched.

And then on my other leg, it's all the girls that I've blown. So I try to keep the ratio as high as possible. All right, cool. That's it. That's our advice. That's our show. That's our episode. That's it.

If you guys have questions of your own, you can email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. If you have theme songs like Riley did at the beginning of the show, or even if it's not as good as that just because the Drake one was pretty much pretty baller. No, we've had some awesome ones. Yeah, send those in as well. We start and close every single episode with one. This last one is actually from somebody who decided to keep his name anonymous too. I don't know why he didn't want credit for coming up with a good song, but do we have one last rapper's name to say that this person is?

Yes, this is uh this is uh this is uh this is uh kanye west kanye west is gonna play us out uh thanks so much for listening everybody we'll be back on thursday another bonus episode then later if you're having any problems in your life taking a meal give you some advice If you're having any problems in your life, Jake and Amir will give you some advice. Though their answers might not always be right. If I were you, the show starts now. That's it. That's our episode. Once again, thank you to NatureBox for sponsoring it. That's our episode.

Once again, thank you to NatureBox for sponsoring it. That's naturebox.com. And if you go to naturebox.com slash if I were you, you can get 50% off your first box of snacks. Check them out, y'all. Thanks.