Segments - 55: Wet Dream

Episode Date: January 23, 2014

In this episode we discuss cowardly males, condo mishaps, and Kik messages. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the easiest, most affordable way to build your own website/portfolio/online store -- http://bitly.com/17DIXqW See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Welcome to the podcast. That's what people call it. The podcast show. People call it the podcast show. There's many podcast shows. Yeah, but remember that guy who put that song with the, we're really overdoing it now. Okay? We're 30 seconds over.

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, the easiest way to build a website. That's true. If you've been sitting on an idea for a business, an online store, a blog, a portfolio, or anything, and you just have no idea how to create a website, this is pretty much the best way to do it. It's very cheap, and it's very, very easy. It's called squarespace.com. And if you use our coupon code, which for January, it's the word beast.

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Don't believe us? Just ask the guys who started thebeerandcheeselist.com. Flytography.ca. Blogomage.com. Flynnhowling.com. What is? BorealisSailing.com. Flynnhowling?

Yeah. Flynnhowling.com. BorealisSailing.com. DiscussionsWithMyself.squarespace.com. VersinoArt.com. EugeneStudio.com. DiscussionsWithMyself.Squaarespace.com. VersinoArt.com. EugeneStudio.com. So that's it. Thanks, guys, for that last round of people who... Unless it's EugeneStudio.com.

She said that it's pronounced Eugene, but there's no E at the end of Eugene. There it is. So be like them. If you create a website with our coupon code BEAST at Squarespace, please forward forward it along and we'll shout you out next episode. That's it. This one was pretty fun to record. How would you describe that things got if you had to use a word? I would say.

If you had to just say a little. Just one word? Yeah. Like if you say things got. What would you say? Things got blank. I would say. They got real.

I'm totally agreed. Let's get started. You got so many questions, but no one to ask them to. Here comes another one. Did you get yourself into? Come on, you got nothing left to lose. Just send an email to me if I were you That was fine.

All right, welcome to... Jerk! You're a jerk. Acknowledge that it was good. That was really good. It was good. Can you imagine a world where we didn't open every single episode and close with a new theme song? What what do other shows do they just choose one what about all the

other unwritten ones that are going to be good too yeah that's i don't know i can't imagine a world where we don't um bleed our fans dry yeah rob them take advantage of them more than anything of their talent and not give them any money sometimes like don't even say their names like we haven't said this guy's name yet. No. We don't even. Nor should we. Yeah. He doesn't earn it.

I think we earned it. We earned the song. I'm Amir. I'm Amir Blumenfeld, and I'm famous, I think. I'm world famous. And then, rightfully so. Web famous? Web famous?

Nah. I'm world famous. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake and that was alex mcguire alex mcguire oh opening up our show like a radio dj that was alex mcguire coming at you that was the only time you'll ever hear that song on the internet all right all right alex mcguire like that that was a song i could fuck to you know it was so short yeah exactly you're a two pump jump i'm not a two pump jump i'm not sometimes i don't even get two jesus sometimes i'm just one and done sometimes i prematurely ejaculate on the woman's vagina before i even enter oh god that's what's up that's what's

up that's why i'm a pimp that's why i'm a pimp what's's why I'm a pimp. What's more embarrassing? Ejaculating after two pumps or not being able to ejaculate at all? I think it's more embarrassing to ejaculate after two pumps. Right. But if anything, that's like more of a compliment. Yeah, like, oh my God, you were so hot I couldn't even laugh. I couldn't even wait. I feel like if you ask a girl if she would rather have the guy come like too soon or not at all of course it'd be not at all yeah yeah because then she gets to orgasm and then it doesn't matter

what no i'm saying i think that they'd rather have a guy come come like easily oh you're saying they would rather yeah because you're like because she's like oh um like i guess i didn't get off but shit my pussy right you know oh yeah what yeah my pussy be right uh girls can be douchebags too uh only when you're impersonating them so what do we do people are in desperate situations so desperate in fact they don't know where to turn so they email us at ifireashow at gmail.com and we do our best to help these people out that That's it. That is fucking it, dude. That was on point. Love that shit.

Love that shit. Here's how I would do it. What we do is choose four questions and we go through all the emails and we choose three, four, sometimes five, I don't know, questions and we read them aloud and, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Reverse, reverse, delete, delete, delete. Yeah. Let's get started. Huh? Whoa reverse, delete, delete, delete. Yeah. Let's get started.

Huh? Whoa. It's going to be a fast episode. Why? I don't know. Oh, these are real emails from real people, but we need fake names to preserve their anonymity. Can you give me a fake name? Oh, shit.

Toby McGuire. Everyone's name is just going to be Toby McGuire. Actually, this is a female named Toby. Okay. All right. Tobino writes, Tabitha McGuire writes, I have been with my boyfriend for about nine months and I love him very much. Over the time that I've been with him, I've been focusing on taking care of myself, gotten into fitness and healthy eating and lost about 25 pounds. I've never been overweight, but now I'm in really great shape and I feel fantastic. However, now my boyfriend has become insecure and paranoid that I'm too good for him. Whenever we are out, he always has his arm around me and is jealous and uncomfortable when I even talk to other guys.

I have been approached much more now and I've been asked out quite a few times, but I would never even consider cheating on him. I keep telling him he has nothing to worry about, but his insecurities are driving me crazy. He keeps saying how he wishes I wasn't so beautiful so I would be more in his league. It got so bad one time, he tried to fight a guy who offered me a drink at a party. Of course, I'm flattered he thinks so highly of me, but I wish he could just be happy for me for the changes that I've made because I feel great about myself. On top of all this, I'm moving to New York City in the fall because I got my dream job and now. On top of all this, I'm moving to New York City in the fall because I got my dream job, and now he won't stop talking about

how I'm going to leave him for someone I meet in New York. I love him, but will he ever get over his insecurities? What should I do? Thanks, Tabitha McGuire. Oh, Tabitha. Oh, no. Toby. Oh.

Ms. McGuire. You are in it. You are. You are in the eye of the hurricane. You can't see. Tell you what, babe. Tell you what, doll, hun, girl, pal. Let's make his worst fear come true.

I think it's time. I think it's time, actually, that his fear becomes the reality. And I will be in New York on February 19th. I will see you there. Let's me and you go out. You bring that fucking tight body. You bring that hot smoke show bad. And I'll, no, you should break up with him, right?

This guy is one of the worst people I've ever heard. Ever in your life? Yeah, I think. I don't think it's ever. Like, jealousy makes people do crazy things. But he's fucking, he's a loser. Yeah. He's a doof loser.

He's a doof loser. I hate him. You hate him? You hate this guy? He's one of the worst kinds of boyfriends. Yeah, loser. I hate him. You hate him? Yeah. You hate this guy? He's one of the worst kinds of boyfriends. Yeah, yeah. Jealous, possessive, angry. Yeah.

This guy just told you that he wished you were ugly. Don't be flattered. I think being flattered is actually the wrong feeling here. Be scared. Be angry. Be angry. But how crazy are relationships that, like, if somebody did that to you and you're in the relationship, you're just like, I don't know, but I still love them.

Why? Well, that's girls are just, like, so loyal. Well, it's also guys. Like, guys can be mistreated. More often than not, at least on our show, the women we hear from are lovely, amazing people, and the dudes that we hear from are assholes. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, guys, because I'm an asshole, too. Huh? Huh? Huh?

It's, yeah, it's... Pumpkin, you're dating a dill weed. You're dating a tumbling, tumbling dick weed. Dick weed, yeah. God, I don't know. I feel like I need to shake this woman and tell her that her boyfriend is awful. You just want to shake a woman. Yeah, so I just like, I woke up,

I felt like I needed to shake a woman today. I needed to stir one up. You shook her. How dare you? But imagine just being like, all right, I lost 25 pounds and I feel great. It's like, don't I look good, baby? Yeah, I guess, but now you're too beautiful for me.

What are you going to fucking cheat on me? He's not elevating himself. Yeah, he wants to drag you down. Right. So she improved herself, got healthy. It sounds like she has a good body image. She feels good. She looks good.

She's happy. And the one thing that's wrong with that is your boyfriend basically actively doesn't want you to be happy or look good. Your boyfriend is a tumor, a cancer on your body. Is that normal, babe? He's an emotional cancer. Think about what a partner should be doing, which is inspiring you to be a better person. This guy's doing the exact opposite. And think about what you should be doing to your partner. The fact that you got in shape and you are feeling good, feeling healthy, he should be doing that too. If he's like, oh, man, this girl is bettering herself and she's going to be better than me.

Well, that's not an idea that you should actually have in your head. Like this girl is going to be better than me. But like, oh, my girlfriend, Tobey Maguire, is getting so healthy. I want to do that with her. I want to be on this same like upward trajectory. That's what he should be doing. Right. No.

Instead he's like, arrest your upward trajectory. Come down here with me. Don't move to New York City. Don't go to your dream job. Yeah, and we usually don't tell people, oh, by the way, we answered this question on the podcast, but I really want her to hear this. I'm gonna email her and be like,

by the way, we answered your question. This girl's really due for a clean break over here. She's moving to New York, which is like a new exciting city to start her dream job it's the perfect time to cut this deadweight loser anchor uh and leave him in canada forever i think are they from canada didn't he say that i don't know yeah yeah i'm a 22 year old from canada and 22 that's the perfect age to move to new york and start over and you're you don't want to be entering a long-distance relationship at 22.

I've never been so sure of advice in my life. I feel like I'm really secure in my answer on this one. At this point, I want to shake them both. I want to put them in a Blendtec blender and just stir until they're a juice. They both need to be shook. Yeah, they both need to be juice. That's what's up, boss. That being said, I would like to see a photo i mean what if

she's actually ugly and she's just lying to us and we'll we do have her name in that email we'll Everyone look this person up. It's not actually. I was so confused. I was like, are you going to edit this out? What is going on right now? What is this sorcery? All right. We concur. We agree with each other. Easy. That was nice. What should we do about this boyfriend, though?

I think breaking up with him is too easy. I think that she should cheat on him He deserves that Yeah I think he deserves to feel the actual He deserves that shameful past Yeah he deserves to walk in on it In some way And like to do it with a guy that can easily beat the shit out of him

So like she She should find like the you know Coolest strongest tallest dude And then it's like whoa what are you doing to my girl Oh what's up what if we like me and you both fucker oh like we meet up in february i can't beat anybody up no yeah both of us could definitely beat this dude up okay here's a separate idea we found a really strong guy to fuck this girl and we hide in the closet and we pop out and we're like gotcha yeah and then when he comes in he's like get off get off my girl and he'll be like he's not your girl we're the podcast host that set this whole thing up and then while he fucking starts wailing on us because you know we weigh a combined 300 pounds

i'll tear shit up i'm serious man i fight dirty i don't go down you know what i'm saying what do you mean i mean like people are like oh jake Jake's going to get his ass kicked? No, because I'll be scratching, biting, kicking shins. That's shameful. Scratching. Yup, dude, because I ain't going to lose the fight. I fight dirty, dude. Why? Because I'm not going to fucking lose, man.

You'll scratch someone. Oh, yeah. Somebody punches me in the face. Will you punch back or what will we do? Dude, scratching. I will fall down to the ground. I will bite them in the abdomen, just like gouging out their eyes, just like flailing. I will spin around in a circle with both my fists closed, just kicking.

I remember one time you took a bite out of some guy's calf once. Yeah, he almost died because the way you hit like some pretty major arteries, I guess. Yeah, that's what's up. That's why they say Jake fights dirty. Jake don't lose a fight. Nobody wants to fuck with Jakey. that's what's up. That's why they say, Jake fights dirty. Jake don't lose a fight. Nobody wants to fuck with Jakey. That's what's up. That's what's up.

They don't say it in a good way. Okay. They think you're a sociopath maniac. Yeah, yeah. I'll sucker punch a fucker. I don't give a shit, man. I'll sucker punch anybody. Especially this loser.

All right. So, lady, if you're down, we'll hide in the closet while you fuck a really strong guy how did that advice she said how do i what was yeah what was her actual question like she's so sweet she's like uh i love him but will he ever go to get over his insecurities what should i do so yeah her question is like how do i help him get over his insecurities? What should I do? So yeah, her question is like, how do I help him get over his insecurity? I want him to be better. And we were like, we want someone to fuck you

and we'll wait in the closet. It's like a girl who has a tumor being like, oh, but it's part of my body now. I'd hate to just cut it off. How can I teach it to be a better part of my body? Who would ever say that? Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

That's how stupid it sounds to me. I feel you. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it off. Cut it off. Cut it off. Oh, we should talk about how Dave Coulier is coming on the podcast later.

What? Mr. Coulier. Uncle Joey, sir. I loved you in the house. The house was quite full, and I'm full of love. Question. Was the Woody doll ever real? I realized at a certain point you were doing noises for him in a ventriloquist way.

I realized the role of Michelle was played by twins. Were the roles of Nikki and Alex played by quadruplets? I'm seeing double. Four crusties. Should we get to the question number two? Yeah. This one we need an actual dude's name. Spider-Man.

The theme of this week is Tobey Maguire and Tobey Maguire characters. The theme of this week is word association. Hey, guys. My girlfriend and I just ended our relationship. We have been living in a condo at a ski resort with two separate living quarters. I immediately told her she needed to leave our condo complex. It seemed reasonable as I had paid the expensive deposits on our room and I paid for our flights out of our hometown.

She has been sleeping on the couch in the upstairs condo where we would normally all hang out. Now it seems like they're all going to let her sleep on the couch in the condo for free. As long as she pays for the food and other house items. I'm at a predicament. Should I still try to be friends and hang out upstairs? Or strictly stay downstairs and start over fresh? And if she does stay upstairs, should I

try to get my money back from her? I paid her first and her last month rent. Looking forward to the advice and the heckling I feel I need to help me through a shitty time. Oh, man. Spider-Man. That is Spider-Man. White people problems. They're all revolving around condos. Yeah, we live in a ski

condo. And now she's all in the other condo, and I'm afraid I paid the condo fees. She's sleeping upstairs where we all hang out, and this condo is actually a lot smaller than I realized now that I can't go upstairs and i'm stuck in my expensive room so um now what sure i ski all day but when i come back home i want to watch some direct tv in the upstairs condo this girl seems like a jerk she's not leaving i think

that's not okay i think she's doing like the uh well it takes two to break up and i ain't going anywhere yeah like wait what did she like if they like Wait, what? He said they broke up and he immediately told her she had to leave the condo complex. I'm sorry, you have to leave the condo. Yeah, no, this is I think this is the right thing to do. I'm glad it's amicable and

mutual. We had a good experience. We'll never lose that. Pack up your belongings. I want you out of the condo complex by midday tomorrow. I know it sounds complex, but it's very simple. I want you to leave the condo complex. Yeah, you didn't pay the minimum for this condominium.

I paid the condo maximum for this condominium. Oh, shit. And I feel like all of his friends are doing a real disservice. She's like, all right, you're done. You're out. You're a goner, sister. Yeah, hey, you can sleep upstairs. That's fine. You don't have to pay rent.

Great, thanks. Just pay for our food. What is this girl? What is this situation that she's created for herself she's made herself indisposable she's before she had a free room just that this dude was paying for it yeah she's got a free couch that everybody else is paying for she only has to buy food why does she want to stick around i guess like also did you this guy was like was he buying the plane ticket out and the first at last month's rent on the room?

Like, without ever having her, like, without her ever saying she was going to pay him back. And now, like, that they broke up, he wants money. I think that you can't necessarily do that. Yeah, you can't ask for the money back. Unless, but, like, if she always was going to owe you money. Right. And now that you're, like, broken up, you, like, really want to collect it. But you never collect debt at the end of a relationship. I feel like that's a sunk cost.

It's lost. Like if you owe money to someone or if your lady friend owed money to you and you guys break up, I feel like you can't be like, well, this is it. Yeah. Now it's just a matter of the 800 you owe me. How's your mom? How's your family? is everything all right um i paid for gee whiz i i was fine actually work good yeah work is good it's just it's a little hard actually if i can be so frank as to say that's rough yeah um there is the matter, a small matter. Excuse me.

Not small. It's not inconsequential. It's trivial, but it is. You owe me dollars. What? I just, where, what? I feel like if you paid for it and she was going to pay you back, she's a thief. She's a thief?

You dated a fucking burglar. No wonder you broke up with this cat burglar. I still have a girlfriend that owes me 500 bucks. Is that true? Yeah, and I think I might collect it. Debt collector. I really think I'm going to send someone to collect my debt. Unenforce her.

I think she's going to get thrown in debtor's prison for what she did to me. Is that true? Yeah. $500? $500. How did that happen? Well, I don't want to make it seem like I'm thinking about it too much. I'm also trying to give the minimum amount of information so none of my exes can...

Because they all owe me a good good good amount of money well i mean it was a very long time ago um so that gives you that now you know who uh-huh and uh she was just living with me in new york and we were like i'll pay rent and i was like okay yeah that's great and then she never did and i felt uncomfortable bringing it up sure and then uh but like it was discussed before it happened that like of like the amount of money that she would pay yeah because it and it just never never ponied up the cash you want slash need that money now i don't need it now because now i'm fucking rich but like yeah for sure yeah why why am i rich what happened what do you mean how did you get into, come into all this money, I guess?

What? My dad gave me a lot of money. Okay. My dad's dad had money. My mom's dad had money. My family comes from old money, you know? No, I don't know. So I'm like, I got a lot of money.

Trickle down, Jakey-nomics. I get to do whatever I want. I have a little web show, a podcast, make a little skrilla on a live tour. But my real nest egg is my father's money, which he deposits into my bank account. On a very regular basis. I would call it, Some people might call it irregular The regularity that it's put in there Would be irregular for a lot of people

Because it's that predictable It's a lot It's very reliable It's a lot and it's off It's as much as two, three transfers a day sometimes Oh my god If I'm demanding You asshole

Yeah How dare you I love you dad Of course you do. You're a king for what you do. You selfish loser. Yeah. He actually sells nest eggs.

And then he makes enough money to give me a nest egg. That's great. It's been really, really nice. Yeah. So try to get money back from her I feel like it's not gonna happen But what you have to do Is cut your losses

You'll eat the money If you can get her out of there Right Maybe you should Offer to Double what she pays Like you know what I'll pay for the food

Just get her out of here This is fucking insane you guys I think you have to have a conversation With your friends Who are just letting her stay for free And be like hey This is not what the condo is about, guys. We all agreed to get a ski condo

because it was going to be a fun thing for everyone and now it's not fun for me. I feel like I'm skiing, you know, skiing, ski out, whatever, doing our little apres ski. Apres ski. I get home and this little wench is still on the couch. I'm sure she bought the burgers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice that she bought some salads. And I like the juice. But I'll pay. We should all be paying for groceries. That's what we discussed. It's cheap. It's socialism.

That's why I broke up with her first. She's hogging the couch. Oh, hey, guys. What are you guys talking about? Oh, hey, baby. Get out of my couch, she's cute i'll be downstairs if you need me this place is supposed to be communal all right cheers cheers if anyone needs me i'll be watching cheers i'll be on the bunny slope fuck this uh yeah get her out of there and your money's gone.

Talk to your friends. All right. Third question? Yeah. Question the third. Question the third. We need a name. Seabiscuit.

Okay. So today's theme is Tobey Maguire superheroes in horse names. There we go. Or Tobey Maguire in Tobey Maguire films. Yeah. Well, I don't remember his name in every one of his movies. I thought Seabiscuit was the dude. I thought Seabiscuit was that fucking elfish-looking guy.

It's actually Seabiscuit's Monster is the name of the horse. What? It's a Frankenstein joke. Frankenstein's not really his name. It's Frankenstein's monster. The doctor's name was Frankenstein. Wow. To make a metaphor, it's like, oh, Seabiscuit wasn't the name of the horse. Seabiscuit's

monster was the joke there. I see. Okay. You just start cracking up. Oh! Oh! I tell all my friends. So, so, so, so, so, so, so. Have you guys seen every Tommy Maguire movie like I have?

What's the one about the horse? What's the one about the horse? Sea Biscuit. Well, that wasn't the horse's name. What was the horse's name? Sea Biscuit's monster. What are you talking about? You ever read Frankenstein?

Get out of my condo. I bought the food! I bought the food! I bought the food! All right, Seabiscuit writes, So in school today, I got a kick message from someone named Jen Roberts. I asked if she goes to school with me, and she says she lives in Cali, is 22 and female. I'm a bit scared, so I say, fuck off, and she immediately replies, fuck me? Smiley face. I don't know what to say now.

I've blocked her, but I don't know what to do. I'm 13 years old. Help me. Help me. You said help me twice? No, I didn't. Oh. Oh, no, buddy.

Unfortunately, Seabiscuit, this Jen Roberts character, she's out to fuck you, unfortunately. Yeah, she's heard about that 13-year-old dick and she's coming for it. Yeah, she's got a vendetta or something like that. She's hell-bent on getting to you. You should have never said fuck off. Fuck off? That was an opening. There is a 22-year-old female from California.

Jen Roberts. Yep, Jen Roberts. You're done, dude. Get it? Start hiding in your locker right now. Unfortunately, that's what you asked for when you accepted her kick message. Is kick message even younger and cooler than Snapchat? We're now two generations removed.

I have no idea what kick is. Right. But I bet teenagers that use Snapchat are like, that's what they're, like how I feel about Snapchat, they feel about kick messages. Right. They're like. Kick messages for like young kids. Oh, man. But porno bots have already gotten to it.

It's Jen Roberts. I love that this dude's like, you've already done everything you've, like, I've blocked her. But what if she knows who I am, where I live, and she demands to fuck me? Help me. What are you talking about? You blocked her. Also, if it's true, you don't need help. That would be the greatest thing in the world.

A 22-year-old coming to fuck you as a 13-year-old? Yeah, that's pretty perfect. That's ideal. Knock at the door. It's Jen Roberts. I feel like we should not be telling 13-year-olds to fuck 22-year-olds. It's super cool when it's a dude fucking a 22 year old chick. But the other way around

it's illegal? How is that fair? Well it's illegal both ways. Okay good. Which is one way we think is hot. Right then. So it's not illegal

we're just bad. I think it's because we were 14 year old dudes that wanted to fuck like 25 year olds. I probably didn't think about fucking 25 year olds. Me either.

Good. You never masturbated when you were 13? Yeah but it was like to Kelly Kapowski. She's not 25. olds. Me either. Good. You never masturbated when you were 13? Yeah, but it was like to Kelly Kapowski. She's not 25. She was like 18. Oh.

All right. I remember the first wet dream I had. I love the way they talk about this. It was with that black girl from Head of the Class.

If you've ever seen that show, I think her name was Robin Givens. I don't think I have seen that show. Yeah, it was in a jacuzzi. Did you also think that your first wet dream was you peeing in your pants? No, you know, because I never had – I didn't have a wet dream until after we had, like, learned about them.

Oh, interesting. So, like, I had discovered jerking off. Yeah, I think that's what it is. I didn't jerk off. Oh, so your first wet dream was, like – Was, like, my first ejaculatory experience. True nocturnal admission yeah yeah yeah i remember i used to i used to masturbate um to like playboy.com's website

with like and i print one just the articles just there's like one picture of a girl's boobs and that was like all my computer could handle loading it's all your it's all your brain can handle but i was i would like touch my penis and it felt good but i didn't know anything else was supposed to happen until one night it was like really tingly and i was like what's going on but i was i would like touch my penis and it felt good but i didn't know anything else was supposed to happen until one night it was like really tingly and i was like what's going on but i like and i'm like i'm gonna keep on going and it didn't and then then i like so you you discovered masturbating i yeah i figured it out it was like playing with my dick hard feels nice and i would just do that sometimes looking at boobs wow and then one day it came out, and I was like, oh no! Oh no! It's

broken! I ran to the bathroom, was like, didn't notice all over my box, was like, ah, this is Mom, I don't mean to alert you, but there's a glaze or a fucking cream, and it's not, what if it doesn't stop? It's basically

honey coming out of my penis. Is that fun for anyone? Only it tastes like freaking coconut water. Help, I guess. What the fuck is going on? I think I'd heard about masturbating at school, so when I came, I was like, it's totally. You heard about masturbating at school.

Yeah, I knew what masturbating was. I knew that touching my dick was masturbating. This is what grade, sixth grade, seventh grade? Yeah, I knew what masturbating was. I knew that, like, touching my dick was masturbating. This is what grade? Sixth grade? Seventh grade? Yeah, this is, like, sixth grade. Sixth grade. Yeah.

But this is, like, one of those things where you think you're doing something right, and then you, like, then you actually come, then you, like, you, like, do it really right. You're like, oh. Oh. That's what it's always been about. I've been wasting my time for the last, like, month. Oh, you've been doing it wrong. Yeah, I've've been wasting my time for the last month. You've been doing it wrong. Yeah, I've just been touching my penis, which was cool.

Oh, wait, so how did you come? You just touched your penis? Well, no, I would rub it. Oh, you would rub it. Yeah, I went through the masturbating motions. But I did not know that there was like... Oh, an end result. Right, I did not know about orgasms.

And I don't think they really tell you about that when they're talking about masturbating. They're like, well, maybe they do now. But I remember learning about masturbating. It's like it's touching yourself. It's rubbing yourself. And then – And like to what means? Sir.

To what end? Why grab? Why rub? Why touch? Sir. If I may be so bold as to ask. Oh, no. I get it. I'll do this forever it's funny that

like that i feel like i don't like any of the same things i did when i was 13 except for masturbating and maybe jackass and oh and my parents yeah love my mama and oh no i'm not even gonna say it i'd like to hear where the joke is headed at least. No. I was going to say that first thing and then I was going to say, and I also love the other thing we've been talking about. Mom, you're a queen. And so you should be treated even though you never get the loving that you needed. So your first, you had a wet dream about the black girl from head in the head of the class yeah it was like a pool party and you had it's funny because my first wet dream was also in a pool really yeah what was it um i i had it was zach oh i'm saved by the bell mark paul

mark paul gosselin shirtless and kelly kapowski and they were both in there and they said they were talking to me and they were like you get to have sex with one of us and I was like Tiffany Ambrose Thiest and I choose you

and then Zach went no and swirled down the drain of the jacuzzi turned away and I had sex with Tiffany Ambrose Thiest but since then all my wet dreams were like... It was Zach telling you to decide between him and a girl. They were never, ever good. They were always like some sort of humiliating, like, oh, I'm going to put my dick in a fence

and see if it feels good. And I would wake up and I had an orgasm. I never had good fuck dreams. Yeah, you should learn how to do lucid dreaming, that you can fuck whoever you want in your dreams. I do. I do lucid dream but I don't come from

I fuck all the time in my dreams but never like It is pretty crazy to like you can't imagine me just sitting here and using my brain

to masturbate but when you're having a wet dream it's you basically lying flat on your back and then like your eyes are fucking trembling

and all of a sudden you start cumming. What an amazing thing that would happen. I want to watch someone have a wet dream. Just their face. Just the ability. back and then like your eyes are fucking trembling and all of a sudden you start coming just their face just the ability yeah are you are you doing an orgasm face you must i don't know there should be videos of people having a wet dream it must be the most amazing thing are you do you are you sure you're not like on your side with your dick like against the oh and then you're humping you're like sort of like humping because i mean when you're in your i feel like you're not like on your side with your dick like against the comforter? Oh, and then you're humping? And you're like sort of like humping. Because I mean when you're in – I feel like you're probably touching yourself.

Are you? Or like humping the sheets. Oh, interesting. Maybe. No, because you could be on your – yeah. Are you on your – I just want to see a time-lapse video of a guy having a wet dream. Can someone make one? He's lying on his back.

Then dick just becomes fully erect, starts ejaculatingulating and then it calms down and the guy is just asleep the entire time but sometimes people like laugh in their sleep sometimes people like scream yeah they like get jolted away you must just be talking talking on your shit in your sleep i don't know where did this start from uh 13 year old oh yeah um you've blocked her good that's all you need to do don't answer sex bots yeah oh do you remember

what we were doing in the in the RV I was on Tinder and I got matched with like somebody trying to like

you know scam you into going onto a cam site yeah and we were writing messages like oh yeah like you have to like log onto this site and and uh we were writing messages like oh yeah uh just like go you have to like log on to this site and i was like i can't figure it out can i just give you my

bank account number she's like no i really need you to do it oh shit please i can give you my social security number if that helps i'm so horny for you uh uh this is amazingly perfect time i i just thought of a great story and you don't even know the ending of it uh it's the billboard story oh shit so uh we went uh rock climbing with jake and one of jake's friends and he's like yeah one of my buddies has like a fire sale on billboards right now you can get this billboard in a great location instead of for several thousand dollars for several hundred dollars. And so I told Jake, oh, we should just do that and put our podcast art up there. And Jake's like, all right, give me the guy's email. And we emailed him. And he was emailing with us. And it seemed like such a scam because he's like, I really got to know the answer in

the next 10 minutes if you're going to do it or not. And I'm like, are you just going to like take my money and not put up a billboard? Like billboards are very expensive. And then I'm like, is there a contract? And he said, no, but you just got to let me know and send me the artwork. I'm like, all right, if this is a scam, I'm like, do I have to pay you right now? And he's like, no, I'm like, okay, so I'll send you the artwork. If you put the billboard up, I'll pay you several hundred dollars. I mean, we have sponsors on the show and that's one of the things that we use the money on is stupid endeavors like this. We can call it a marketing budget. Stop ordering slug books now. So I sent him artwork and he's like, this is great. I'm like, all right, sure. Just let me

know when the billboard's up, dude. Do I still have my identity, sir? Did you steal? What is going on? It's a scam where you don't ask me for money. Either way, our billboard was supposed to go up this week on a very, like, where was it? Like Highland and Santa Monica, which is a great location. It's a huge billboard. And I didn't ever think it was going to happen.

But as we were talking, me and jake right now i got a text message from todd our friend todd strass shawson and said is this you and look at this picture oh my god yes that's insane we just found out that our billboard is up it's up oh my god this is so fucking funny it's above a subway so if you guys live in la and uh you're around highland it's anna monica please check out our billboard and it's so funny and don't ever say that we don't use our sponsor money in a fun exciting unique way yeah we should do something for people who like uh upload these photos somewhere are you a little bit embarrassed now that it's up? It's just us.

It's a picture of us on a billboard. Well, at least it's a drawing. Yeah, it's not like a... I guess the embarrassing thing is that we bought it ourselves and put our faces on it. This is such an amazingly fun thing to do. We have to pay them now. We haven't paid them yet. We owe them money. This is insane. It's crazy.

They'll pay anything you want up. It's cost $300 fucking dollars. This could be anything. It could just be a picture of like a straight up photo of me and just say, find me on Tinder. That's what you want to do next. Swipe right until you. This is insane. This is a big billboard.

We got to put this picture up. Should we put it? Yeah, we got to Instagram it or something. Yeah, we should go. We should go visit it. We should go visit the billboard we got to put this picture up should we put yeah we got to instagram it or something yeah we should go we should go visit it we should go visit the billboard and we i feel like um can you imagine just todd walking by like what the fuck is this you this is so cool if you live in la send us a picture of you of you in the billboard please everybody i spoke to was like don't give this some don't give this person money. Billboards don't work this way. It's a scam. There's no way it's this cheap.

There's no way they're going to let you do it. Our billboard is up. We have a billboard. It says, if I were you, a weekly advice podcast, hashtag TODA. Hashtag TODA. This is so funny. All right, great.

Great timing. It's funny that we found out about it during the show. Wow. All right. Time for one last question. Let's do it. All right, great. Great timing. Good stuff. Funny that we found out about it during the show. Wow. All right, time for one last question. Let's do it. All right, we need one last Tobey Maguire or Tobey Maguire movie. Oh, shit. The Cider House Rules writes.

Oh, perfect. Hello, I'm a big fan. I'm a cool hello, I'm a big fan. I'm a cool fan too. But not according to the newest app that's sweeping the nation hot or not. I competed against my friends and I got the score of 6.89 after almost 200 people saw my profile. I went in a competition against my friends and they all got scores like 7 point something, 8 point something. One got even close to a 9.

Now I feel like a loser out of my friends even though clearly I'm the best looking out of them all. My question is, if you have hot or not, what can I do to spice up my profile so that people will actually see that I'm hotter than my friends? I'm blonde with blue eyes. My question is, should I upload a pic of me playing soccer so that people know I'm a beast in that regard? Or should I upload a pic of me in my Speedo, playful, so people know that I'm a beast in other regards? Sporty versus study. Thanks, as always, for the advice. Love Cider House Rules. Sporty versus study?

What the fuck is he talking about? Like he's a stud or like he should be studying? Oh, my God. This is so funny. This guy's so insecure. This app is a lie. I mean, it's possible. I have blonde hair.

I have blonde hair. For me to get a six and a friend of mine getting an eight point close to nine? For what? He's a brown-haired Jew. Oh, he's ugly. And I'm hot. This guy's Aryan, I think. He's a neo-Nazi.

You are. He equates blonde hair and blue eyes as being more attractive. Carte blanche, without any more details. I cannot believe the lack of self-awareness in this email. It's insane. It's so insane. I can't even start to make fun of him. I don't know where to start.

The email itself is so funny. When you put your face on Hot or Not, there's always that fear that you're going to be deemed unattractive. That they'll call you not. Yeah. Also, how is Hot or Not a new app that's sweeping the nation? Hot or Not has been around forever. I remember Hot or Not when I was like 17. That was like in

the early 2000s. Now it's trying to reinvent itself. Maybe it's an app, I guess. Interesting. It's pretty crazy that Hot or Not has lasted this long. It's true. It's just such a good domain name. I think you're ugly on the inside, bud. That's maybe your biggest problem.

Personalityornot.com. I would give your personality definitely lower than a six-something. I'd give it a not. I think your personality is a not. Maybe people see that on the app. People can look through your blonde hair, your fair

skin, your blue eyes, all the way into your black, black soul. Do you penetrate your blue eyes and find your black soul? Absolutely. I think that is correct. You're black-hearted, bad- eyes, all the way into your black, black soul. Do you penetrate your blue eyes and find your black soul? Absolutely. I think that is correct. You're black-hearted, bad-hearted. Or, maybe it's because you're not in a Speedo in your profile pic. I think soccer's the way to go, actually, pal. Sporty versus study?

We choose sporty. Yes. Playful. Should I upload a pic of me in a Speedo? Playful? I guess playful. Sure. try uploading different pictures uh merce you also should like not i don't know you don't judge yourself uh against your friends yeah trying to figure out who's who's the hottest one of all of our friends oh good question the hottest person that we're friends with in our inner friend group? Yeah, like the hottest guy that we are friends with.

I don't know. Is it you? I want you to say that. Trying to think if I have a friend that's more attractive than you. This is like really, really nice. I was not expecting this to happen. Oh, oops. I feel like anyone listening, they're just like, they heard me ask the question and I started pointing at myself.

Yeah, I don't know. Who do you think is our most attractive friend? Or who would get the highest rating on Hot or Not? I feel like anyone listening, they're just like, they heard me ask the question and I started pointing at myself. Yeah. I don't know. Who do you think is our most attractive friend? Or who would get the highest rating on hot or not? I mean, there's like attractive acquaintances that we have that are like actors or comedians that are really good looking. My hottest friend is Jake O'Donnell. Oh, yeah. He's a good looking guy.

But I wouldn't say he's objectively more handsome than you. Yeah, right. I'm serious, dude. The way you look. I think you're hot, man. I'm serious, dude. The way you look, you're... I think you're hot, man. I think you're a sexy motherfucker, actually. What would you rate me? An eight-something.

That's not that high. You were fake building me up, but that's still a B-. All right. I'm serious. What would you rate me? A nine. A nine?

You get a nine. A nine- rate me? A nine. A nine. You get a nine. A nine point what? Nine point five. Thank you. That made me feel good. We are small, shallow, petty people. We're worse than this guy because we're just rating each other high to be, so you'll rate the other one. You're a nine point five.

Am I a nine point five? I guess you're a nine point six. Oh, then you're a nine point seven, i a 9.5 i guess you're 9.6 oh then you're a 9.7 my friend very good you're sexy 9.6 um what what can you do i don't know change your profile picture that's all you can do and we do that on tinder you know like hey i'm not getting as many matches i want like let's change the change the profile picture i will say a lot of the times i feel like when people are like this is the most attractive photo of you it is not one that i expect i think people have it in their mind like when they look their best yeah my friend sean gave me some good advice which is like whenever choosing your profile

picture for a dating site or i guess a hot or not type site uh just ask a girl because they are inherently uh in tune to what's attractive a lot of times like when i used to have um friends with girlfriends or like girlfriends over i would be like will you pick out like what shirt i should wear right and it was they always picked out a shirt that i was like this is the ugliest thing i owned and then you get a ton of compliments yeah it's it's like why people dress better when they're in relationships. Because somebody else is making the decision for you. That's what's up, baby. Also, change

your attitude. We got swept into pictures of making yourself look better. We accidentally got shallow, too, buddy. You fucking pushed us down like that first boyfriend. You dragged us down with you. How's that okay? Now we're under the sea together.

You're a tiny little vortex there. All right, that's it. We're done. The end. Game over. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. That first theme song, we still are accepting theme song submissions. They're getting better, if you can imagine.

That first one was written by Alex, and this last one is a parody of that song that you love. What's it called? Beggar in the Morning. Oh, yeah, dope. Yeah, yeah. By the Barr Brothers. This one's written by Alex and this last one is a parody of that song that you love. What's it called? Beggar in the Morning. Oh yeah, dope. Yeah, yeah. By the Barr Brothers. This one's written by Alex Vasquez.

I'm a beggar in the morning. So if you want to do your own theme song or have your own questions, email us at ifiwereyoushow at gmail get ready,

writing this down, dot you had to cough. You had to cough. I really did. I had a tickle in my throat. Dot com. All right.

And we'll be back, I don't know, in a couple days. Sure. Why not? Later. We still like the podcast. I mean, we have a billboard. We might as well keep it going now. Shit.

We can't just stop. What else would we be advertising? Cool. See you guys soon. Check into me and run the real deal Every week things will get real As they share advice and expertise In hopes that you will seize the cheese It's if I were you I wish you were me

I'd put you in blast But keep your end in the sea It's if I were you When things get real It's time to start Boys, take it from here. That's it. That's our episode.

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