Segments - 550: Amber Alert

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

In this episode we discuss smoking, sexing, and matching on Hinge. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Email it to Jake and Amir. On if I were you, they'll help you out Just shoot them an email, just give them a shout Cool. I kind of raised like a rock fist as you pressed start on that song thinking it was going to be a little more. But yeah, not all of them have to be like fucking insane pop punk rap ballads. Totally.

I liked it. I'm just saying it was, you were expecting something else. Not what I was expecting, but I think it was great. This was a 17 year old named Jay Scully, who's been watching our videos for years, but only recently started the podcast.

So like he started watching them when he was like 12. Two. Yeah. Wow. That's how long we've been around. Does that make you feel old? I want to feel old. Jay Scully was two.

Who? Huh? The ukulele player. That's right. Thank you, Jay, for that. He's on episode 140 right now. So still 400 behind. Right. Thank you, Jay, for that. He's on episode 140 right now, so still 400 behind. Right.

But he'll catch up. Eventually, in a few more years, he'll listen to this one. I always say that I want to go back and listen to episode 15 of ours just to see if we sound differently. Yeah. We must. We have to. We have to sound bright-eyed and bushy-tailed or something. Our attitude would have been very different. Carefree and young.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Be like, hey, welcome to the show. Oh, my God, we're having so much fun. We're living in the city. Yeah. It's crazy because you were so insufferable early on like that. Like, I'm surprised anybody stuck around because you were almost like, whoa, whoa, whoa, my God.

All right, welcome to the podcast. Here we go. Let's answer some questions, ladies and gentlemen! Whoa, whoa, whoa, here they come! Yeah, like we were doing VO for an animated piece. We were Looney Tunes. We were Animaniacs when we started. That's really good. Yeah, I remember I listened to the first few episodes of our podcast.

Over again. Over again, I was like, man, this shit again I was like recently no no when we first started oh yeah just to like hear this show's good the show's funny I wonder if I listen to it now if I would think that hmm or if I'm so jaded by doing it yeah like we watch our old videos and some of them are good and some of them are bad where would the podcast land in that I guess probably similar we watch when we watch our old videos some of them are good and some of them are bad where would the podcast land in that i guess probably similar we watch when we watch our old videos some of them still make me like like die laughing yeah which is almost more embarrassing yeah for sure yeah it's more embarrassing well i don't know is it more embarrassing to watch the old ones and be like wow this isn't funny or to watch the old ones and laugh really hard i think it's better to oh my god it's an Amber Alert. This is so random. Alright, everyone outside! Let's go!

They're calling on us! Wait a second. Jake, isn't this your license plate? Shit. What the hell? This is such a sad one. Missing endangered elderly. How does that work? Because I bet there's more...

There's more people that go missing than an Amber Alert. There's no way there's like three missing people a year. Yeah, well, maybe this close proximity to us. Oh, it's because it's really close? Yeah. So there's like, no, but like I've been like, I hear like, oh, in San Diego, they're getting the same Amber Alert. And it like scares everyone on their phone. But who's, yeah, why is this person, and it scares everyone on their phone. Really? But who's...

Yeah, why is this person, this endangered elderly... Yeah. Who decides to... Their son works at Apple. Yeah. It's also pretty crazy that they can... So you get access to the Amber Alert. This emergency alert system can notify every phone.

Yeah. If an... Like, why can't we do that for a live show? That'd be really dope so i changed my license going missing yeah right so you change your license plate to jakeandamir.com slash live and then you go missing no i'll abduct a fucking tween right yeah and then it's like missing tween everybody go to jakeandamir.com slash live for more info. That's really smart.

And then it redirects to a ticket link. And then could the Amber Alert be a hyperlink? That'd be really special. Or it's a podcast called Amber Alert. And it doesn't necessarily have to be about stealing kids. I thought it was a fire alarm. I thought something was happening to us, but instead it was happening to someone else. Also, our phones are on silent and it did that siren.

Yeah. That's very powerful. I was not on airplane mode. That would be interesting. Does it come through on airplane mode? No, it can't. There wouldn't be any reception, right? Or there must be like latent reception that Apple can tap into.

Even if your phone is off, it would just- I'm telling you, Jobs has the availability, the ability. Jobs has the availability. You're a really bad receptionist. You're asking people to make an appointment with a dead man. Jobs has the jobs to get it done. You know that if we were in a movie screening, that would completely disrupt the flow of the film. Yeah. That can't happen in Hollywood. Yeah.

What if I was showing a cut? Right. A rough cut. A director's cut. Yeah. Or a fine cut. Of a film. Even a rough assembly. There's no way.

To like Brad Pitt, Brad Cooper. Any Brad watching dailies would get that. Can you imagine that? Even a rough assembly to like Brad Pitt, Brad Cooper. Any Brad watching dailies would get that and be completely taken out of the story. Yeah. Even Matthew Braderick. Who? Matthew Braderick, Bradley Cooper, Bradley Pitt, and Matthew Brad Braderick. He would get it and he would be like, I can't necessarily focus on what's going on anymore.

And there goes our funding for our feature. Which is the Amber Alert idea. Yes. Amber Alert probably being named after a lady, a teenager named Amber that was abducted. I believe that is the vibe. That's good. It's cool. Not cool, obviously. But it's interesting that she was named so appropriately to go

well with alert. Also, I'm not 100% sure. It could just be like a color. Yeah. Color, color, amber. No idea. But that's why it's... I'll look it up.

That's why it's so interesting that it could be both. Yeah. I mean, it's not that interesting. Oh, wow. Amber is a backronym. Oh, wow. Amber is a backronym. So it is a reference to an abduction

for an Amber. And then they backed into the acronym. Wow. So they made an acrostic poem. For Amber. At the FBI. What does it stand for? Alright guys, listen up. Amber. Who's got what?

There's no bad ideas. So what do you think Amber stands for now that they backed into it? Are they dumb enough to make the first word alert? It's not alert. Okay. Oh, active, missing. Missing is correct. Okay.

America's missing. America, missing. Missing is correct. Okay. America's missing. America's missing. You're fired. America's missing broadcast emergency response. Yeah. If I had the day, I would have gotten that. They made an acrostic. It's a really funny way to think about what went down

here. And then one day the FBI wrote a poem called Amber. Yeah. They did a haiku as well. We probably shouldn't be joking around about kidnapping. We probably shouldn't be joking around about Kidnapping Yeah

It's actually really important guys Don't get high and mighty like you fucking You did this initially And I do apologize for Jake You said you were going to abduct a tween To promote our live shows You said that I just made a joke About an acrostic poem

Okay If anything I abducted you Yeah Yeah And now you are You're putting me on blast On a fucking Thursday

No less The worst day To be on blast Yeah If you guys are watching this We are doing this As a video Jake and I are in studio

That's right So you can be viewing this On our podcast YouTube channel Yeah If I reshow If I reshow Otherwise this is just A normal audio podcast in studio. That's right. So you can be viewing this on our podcast YouTube channel. Yeah. If I Were You Show. If I Were You Show. Otherwise,

this is just a normal audio podcast like you've always enjoyed. Yep. Called If I Were You. This is the only advice pod on the web hosted by us.

That's true. Here's a question that we got. Okay. If you have your own questions, you can email that down to ifirewishow

at gmail.com. Uh-huh. Same one that Jay Scully sent us over for that thememail.com. Uh-huh. Same one that Jay Scully sent us over. True. For that theme song. True.

My neighbors in the apartment next to me have been waking me up in the middle of the night the last few nights. By having sex, I'll be dead asleep and then jolted awake by the sounds of cracking and loud moaning. Mostly male. Coming from the other side of the bedroom wall. I haven't done anything about it because I don't know how to approach the situation.

The only interaction I've ever had with these neighbors is asking to keep their karaoke down one night. But this is much more awkward. I can't keep losing sleep and wanting to doze off at work. So what do you guys think I should do? Should I confront them during the day or knock loudly on the wall next time they wake me up mid-coitus or leave a passive-aggressive note on the door? How do I get my sleep back without making my neighbors hate me?

Okay. We'll call this guy Ned Flanders. Right. Interesting. Interestante, actually. How much sex could they be having? It can't seem like it would happen literally every single night. Yeah, but even like three times a week to be woken up by the sex is a lot.

Knocking, I think it's a little too aggressive to just knock. The note, I think, is weird. So those options off the table, let's say. You had the conversation about the karaoke so they know you're sort of down to keep hush yeah you could just get earplugs earmuffs do you wear i don't i tried those once i can't sleep with them they're like so so annoying and like, I don't know. But then I also thought I would never be able to sleep with an eye mask. And now I really enjoy sleeping with the eye mask.

Same with my grind guard. You get used to it. You don't use an eye mask? I don't use an eye mask, but I use a grind guard. But whenever I stick the phone in my ear, like it feels like there's something in my ear and I can't get comfortable. Yeah. I don't think I would be into that too. But, you know, I've like done when there's been like something loud, I remember like sleeping with one ear against the mattress and the other one over my head.

Yeah, but you don't want to do that in your own house. Not every night. Not every night. You can just get the second pillow and it's like one pillow on the side, the other one over the ear. This is why he should buy a house. That way you get the privacy of the home. That's perfect. You get like a three bedroom.

Yeah. And then like a really nice lot, like a big lot. Okay. So yeah, you're, they're living in an apartment. Yeah. Oopsie mistake number one. Yeah. I used to do that too.

And then I got this really sick four bedroom, four bath, the compound. So you just need a home. So yeah. And then I've been buying the houses around me for privacy. Right. For privacy, for quiet. Exactly. I would do the gate.

The gate plus the- And then retrofit the entire thing with double-paned windows. It's only like $2,900 a window. Yeah. This guy says he lives in New Orleans. Oh, New Orleans. And the property, there's some really sick mansions there. Right.

He moves to a mansion. Yeah. And then he can't necessarily hear anybody, what's going on on the other side of the- Yeah. Because then it saves you from having like a weird conversation. Yes, exactly. Because you're just the landlord now.

Right. I would spend, what would you say, two to three million per house, something in the Garden District. Yes, the Garden District would be really nice. There's some really beautifully preserved houses there. Yeah. I was looking at one the other day

just for funsies for 6.1. That was a teardown, right? I mean, anybody else it was it was immaculately renovated but you wanted to do a teardown my own thing down to the studs yeah yeah i got reno that's right a project just for funsies just so i can have like a so you could walk down bourbon street masturbating like you like to do sometimes don't you like to walk down Bourbon Street masturbating? No. Is that you? Is that you who likes to... On these posters? Expose yourself? Because it's pretty grainy.

Yeah. But I can tell that it's you based on... You are with the... The way you hold yourself. Yeah, that's right. I think you could just do something loud in your room to kind of convey that the walls are thin. Oh, that's good. You know, whether it's having sex, if you have that available to you, or masturbating.

Porn. Porn. Yeah, porn kind of loud. Clearing your throat, passing wind, talking loudly on the phone. Something to demonstrate to them that the walls are thin. So that's one thing. That's one thing. The other would be wait till they do something else karaoke-esque

and next time you say keep this thing down, the walls are very thin, we share a wall. That's good. So then you're kind of hinting at there's other things that should be kept down as well. It's not just this that I can hear. Yeah. I hear everything. The problem is when you leave a note, a vague note, they know who it is because there's only one neighbor that shares the wall.

Yeah, I wouldn't leave that note. But the note would probably stop them. I hear you having sex. Yeah. Can you have sex between 8 and 11? Right. I love that you're, that you have a healthy sexual appetite. I'd love to have one too. I love that you have a good sex drive.

Yeah. But do you have to be so loud about it? I once had a neighbor that smoked cigarettes and I could smell it in my apartment. Where was that? Williamsburg. Interesting. But like it's her fault because she's smoking smoking but it's also the building's fault because you can smell smoke yeah can you smoke cigarettes in your apartment or is that like against the

rules um a lot of places have no smoking in the entire building yeah yeah um but i don't think wait but your own apartment yeah i don't know i think i i think places have no smoking rules for sure but then it's like you can't even smoke outside either near a building you can smoke outside hard to smoke yeah not smoke like within like certain feet of a building like where do they want you and you can't smoke at a park they make it harder and harder luckily i don't smoke so i like the rules but it must suck to be a smoker definitely they the smokers are ostracized yeah but it's only because they have a habit that will kill them. It's a really bad habit.

It also kills other people. Right. And that's the reason why you're not allowed to do it in certain places. And it smells bad, too, on your fingers, and it makes your teeth bad, too. Yeah. It's expensive. It's really, like, 99% awful. Yeah.

It must be really, really good when you're addicted to it to have it. Otherwise, like, it wouldn't be worth all that. It also costs a lot of money. He would smoke. He started smoking at 26. I've told this story before. Dave Rosenberg started smoking at 26 years old. I would see him outside of IAC and be like, this is the best decision I ever made.

He loved it. I guess it's a cool culture, like, to take a smoke break with other smokers. Yeah. I think it, I mean, it doesn't always look cool. I've seen people look quite miserable. Like when it's cold out. Yeah, when it's cold. Cohen, who works here, used to smoke.

He doesn't smoke anymore. No. When I was living with him, I remember one day we were like hung over. We're walking to work and it's like February. He's huddled outside our apartment trying to like light a cigarette. So like limp. And then like walking into the subway but his hands are freezing like oh um but then don draper does it and it looks very fucking cool

yeah it's cool to do it like at a martini bar or something like that yeah so i think that's kind of the appeal jeff also tells me that uh rosie tells me that like so many people that he meets in new york city he meets them outside a bar smoking. So it's kind of like, yeah, you know, you go outside, somebody wants a bum cigarette, somebody needs a light, you get to chatting. I think it's an interesting way to meet new people, which is something I don't ever do. I wonder if it's coming back, like it was everywhere in the 90s and then it went away and not a lot of people spoke to it. Maybe it's making like a hipster style resurgence. I think the annoying thing that happens now is that like in the city

you would go outside to smoke but now people kind of just like try to secretly hit their vapes in between drinks. Oh yeah, there's vaping too.

But vaping is something that you can just like pull and take a deep drag of and then like even if it's not allowed you can kind of get away with it and just like

release the stench into the bar. Doesn't jeffrey have a nicotine vape yeah yeah it's like slightly better than it's yeah it's better for you but it's a it's way it looks a lot less cool um it's also still bad for you but you know smoking is but you can do it indoors right yeah you i don't know you're not allowed to do it indoors but people just do because the smoke dissipates so quickly because it's vapor

you can basically get away with it yeah but you're not supposed to right you're not supposed to and it's bad and it smells bad

and it looks uncool so this guy should talk to his neighbors huh uh the sex yeah or you can axe bomb them

axe bomb you tape the axe and you throw it into someone i went to college long enough to know what axe bombing yeah it's a aerosol body spray that makes you smell supposedly better but kind of worse you tape it shut so it's going off and then throw it into a room. Right. Slam it in there. Yeah. Yeah. You could try that.

Yeah. All right, let's take a break. Come back after these messages. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than five. Mom, I'm coming. I do not, but I think you do.

Yeah. So I've been doing some flight purchasing recently. Ah, yes. And as you know. It's one of my favorite pastimes. Yeah. It's fun to check out, try to get the best deals, try to get the best value. If you're a little bit flexible on time, location, you can save some cash. Right.

But flights nowadays are super expensive. Yeah, because everyone's kind of becoming okay with traveling at the same time. Exactly. So it's like, oh, you want to go here? That's actually $1,200 now. Yeah. And you're like, oh, maybe I'd rather buy a laptop. Right. hundred dollars now yeah maybe i'd rather buy a laptop right um so i found uh this feature in

google flights which lets you like for example we're going to montreal yes uh flight back to la eleven hundred dollars of course i need to buy two because avital is coming across the country and that's fine yeah uh so i'll search what's the cheapest flight to anywhere from Montreal. So it's like, oh, it's $1,000 to LA, but $299 to Phoenix. And once you're in Phoenix, that's a Southwest flight away. Oh, that's fascinating. But like Air Canada won't be like fly to Phoenix and then switch to Southwest and then do this. Right, right, right. So in Google Flights, you can just say cheapest flights from Montreal and then you can zoom in on the map and

be like okay let me get to the western part of america like you don't have to get me to fucking la but get me to san diego get me to phoenix get me to vegas and sometimes those flights are like 22 of the price right and you can even probably get like a business class flight to uh like a vegas or a phoenix yeah versus a coach a coach shitty flight all the way to LA. Yeah. So you're saving like $900 by not flying direct. Yes. And then you can-

That's a lot of money. It is a lot of money. And then you can probably like turn it into like, oh, I'm going to San Diego. I can rent a car and still save money. Oh, I'm going to Vegas. I can spend a night in Vegas and still save money. You wouldn't really save money. You wouldn't save money in Vegas because you're a degenerate gambler.

Because I would lose tens of thousands of dollars. But I can actually make that back. Yes, exactly. And then that becomes $2,000. It can't be read four times in a row. This is crazy. You know they added a triple zero in Vegas now? Do they really? Yeah, so it's zero, double zero, and then a third green slot. That's not fair. No, that's crazy.

The house already always won. And they give you the same odds? Of course. It's 35 to 1, but there's 38 slots now. That genuinely seems fucked up even for Vegas. I'm surprised that people abide at that. Yeah, it's fine because ultimately you want to Try to win cash and you're like what are the odds

It lands on triple zero or some places call it V like if you're at a Hotel that starts with V Alright 22 black Spins Ooh V When did that happen That genuinely pisses me off

That really ires me off. That really irks me. I mean, they probably added double zero at a certain point and they're like, they can get away with whatever. Make 37 yellow. And it's like, are they not doing well enough? I think not because of the whole pandemic thing. Yeah. They want to win more cash per spin.

That's fucked up. I'll never play roulette again. You probably will if you're there and people are having fun and you're a little tipsy. Yeah. So the Google Flight Hack, have you experienced that before or did I just teach you something? No, that's good. That's really good. It's interesting just for me because it wouldn't apply to me because I will only fly Delta.

But I could see that being good for others. But even in New York, there's so many options. Like you'll be like tri-state area and they'll give you some flights to Newark. But you never look like what's a flight to Philly cost? Maybe it's cheaper. What's a flight to Boston? Maybe it's cheaper and then you can. Yeah.

I mean, I would definitely use that if it was like egregiously expensive like you're dealing with. Right. I think I tend to – when I price shop and it's like, oh, this flight is like $100 or $200 more. Yeah. Then you like start clicking through Southwest and it's like, oh, if you want to board early, if you want to check a bag. Yeah. It's like it basically gets to the same price. And I just – I'm a Delta fanboy. You got the miles. I got the miles.

They treat me like royalty now. So it's hard to go anywhere else because it's... The system worked and it got you completely. Yeah, it got me good. They got their claws in me deep. You'll pay the premium. Yeah, I'll pay the premium. Yeah. All right. Just some nice travel advice.

Very nice. Okay. New question? Yeah, let's do it. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. How do I get my boyfriend to fuck me? Yes! Sorry, I haven't read the question yet.

Fuck it, I'll do it. This is a 15-year-old boy. Oh, come on. Yeah. But we have that. Then you're fucked up for bringing it on. All right, it's not a 15-year-old boy. Jesus Christ. I'm a 26-year-old boy. Jesus Christ.

I'm a 26-year-old lady, and I just got my first boyfriend a few months ago. To paint the picture, he's been moving excruciatingly slow in terms of our physical relationship. Took him about a month to hold my hand and a little longer to actually kiss me. We have now moved. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive

that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it Vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial.

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It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do we've gone to some more physical stuff thank god but he still hasn't fucked me we've been giving each other hand jobs okay well since this is my first boyfriend not really sure if this is standard behavior long story short how do i get my boyfriend to fuck me i don't want to come off too strong since he seems very sweet and respectful but i'm also dying of lust thank you this is great i feel like he's just shy or he's just erring on the side of slow and taking his time. Totally. A few months ago.

Yeah. I think you're, this is your first boyfriend. So one of the things that you would do in a relationship is talk to each other, you know? Like actually say, oh, by the way, I wonder if we can have sex. If you have desires. They've been together for months now? A few months, yeah. Yeah. So ideally, when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, you can speak with them about things that you like or want or don't want.

And that could be one of the things. And this could be one of the things. You could say, I'd like to have sex. Right. And I don't think it's coming off. It's definitely not coming off too strong at this point because you've been together for several months. So I think you could bring it up. And then you'll find out

the reason why it hasn't happened. Maybe he's just nervous. Maybe he's nervous. That he's not good. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, there's a million reasons that it could be, but the first step

is to get your hair out. He's not good. His dick is just... Ain't it? That's the same as not good, I think. That's the third thing. He gets dehydrated at the thought of it. So it gives him a headache.

Nervous. He has sexual intimacy issues that stem from a litany of things. One of those things could be. His dick ain't it. But she's touching his dick. That's right. He has been giving handjobs. Handjobs third base.

I forget what third base is. Yeah, that's third base. Second base is like topless ladies action. Feeling boobs. Yeah. And then first base is just kissing. Yeah. First base is kissing.

Third base handjobs. That's a really big leap from second so it's like kissing and touching and now did you guys not have sloppy second sloppy seconds is when there's tongue on second base right that's more of a yeah that's the short stop right yeah that's getting the runner in a pickle between second and third oh no he, he's in a pickle now. He's running back and forth. What's he going to do? Yeah, he avoided the tag, as it were. The third base from second isn't a huge leap.

I mean, there's like touching in between there. Yeah, but it's ejaculation, seemingly. Not necessarily ejaculation. From the hand job, yeah. Yeah, I mean, in an ideal world, sure. Sloppy thirds. No one says that, but it's like wet

the base. So yeah, that would be oral. You think anyone's ever actually gotten a handjob on third base? That would be so cool. Oh, yeah. So you have a baseball field near your house and you do the bases on the bases. Definitely someone's done that. That's really cool. Oh, yeah. So you have a baseball field near your house and you do the bases on the bases. Definitely.

Someone's done that. That's really cool. Yeah. It's called. Not like during a game, I don't think. Of course not. It'd have to be at night. Not during a night game either.

What's the craziest place you ever had sex? I would really like to know. What's the craziest place Amir Blumenfeld has ever fucked or been fucked or been cucked. I've been cucked on a football field. I don't really have any crazy places. Maybe like a closet of somebody else's parents' house. Interesting. When was that?

Recently? No, it was like during my younger days visiting a lady. Oh, closet. Closet. That's hot. That's good. That's actually really hot. And I feel like I'm too old.

And you were cucked there? I was cucked there, yeah. So she brought her ex, Henry, to sort of get sloppy thirds while I watch. I just needed to borrow a sweater from her old man. Cause I was cold around the campfire. Love that. Um, what's your craziest place?

Um, there've been, I think I, I did have sex on the 50 yard line of a football field. Wow. That's up there. Half, uh,

right at, right in the middle of the half, halfway point. Done some bar bathrooms. Mm. Mm. Um, yeah. Right in the middle, the halfway point. Done some bar bathrooms. Yeah. Dugout.

Did have sex in a dugout. Seems like you raided a high school at one point. All of this was in high school or early college. A dugout, wow. Yeah. That's cool. I mean, it does happen when you're young because you can't just have sex in your house. Yeah, it feels weird to do. You have to get creative. You have to go somewhere else. That's cool. When you're, I mean, it does happen when you're young because you can't just like have sex in your house. Yeah.

You have to get creative. You have to go somewhere else. That's true. What about a fucking hotel room? How random is that? It's not that crazy. It's normal. Yeah.

Very. It must be one of the most popular places to have sex. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes when I check in, it just feels like someone had sex there. Yeah. I can sort of smell it.

The ghosts of my ex-girlfriend's past situations. Someone had sex in that closet for sure. So the advice here is to talk to this person. Yeah. Yeah. I would talk to them. Talk to them. Have a conversation.

Okay. That seems easy enough. Congratulations. Congratulations. Let us them. Talk to them. Have a conversation. Okay. That seems easy enough. Congratulations. Let us know how the sex is. Or not. We don't deserve to know. But it would be curious to find out. Yeah.

I hope it's good. And if it's a private situation that's keeping him at bay, email it to us and we won't read it on the podcast. Right. Or at the very least, we won't say their real name. Yes. While we describe the reason in detail. We'll give the email address that it came from, but it won't be the... You won't say their real name. Yes. While we describe the reason. Yeah. We'll give the email address that it came from, but it won't be the. You won't be able to reverse search that.

Yeah, exactly. Okay. Let's take another break. Thank another sponsor. Come back and answer some more questions after these messages. All right. We're back. Yep. One last question to rule them all. Love it. I accidentally matched with a housemate on Hinge. Hinge. Hinge!

We'll call this lady Hillary Hinge. Nice. Yesterday, I thought I'd get back on Hinge after a long break and just went through and matched with people who had already liked me. Today, I got a message from one of the girls that I matched with saying me, her, and her roommate should get a drink soon. I had literally just hit my bong and it took me a second to process that it was a girl that I already met last week because we literally live in the same house. I moved into the upper unit a couple weeks ago and my roommate put me in a house GC with the two people in the downstairs unit. What do you think GC means there? GC. Put me in a house, GC with the two people in the downstairs unit. What do you think GC means there?

GC. Put me in a house, GC with the two people. Group chat. Group chat. Nice. Thanks, Casey. Casey for the win. Put me in a group chat.

I met her when she messaged the group chat and asked if anyone had an Allen key, and I did. We had a nice conversation, but I literally didn't recognize her hinge profile when I matched with her. What kind of fucked up fan fiction is this? For context, literally everyone in the house is queer, including me and this girl. We're both 23 year old brown women. This makes it simultaneously more and less awkward. I probably am going to have a drink or coffee with her roommate because my roommate was also saying we should do this last week. How do I act? What do I say? I've never been on a date with

anyone, even though I'm hot as fuck. Would love your thoughts on this. This is all fine. Do you think the roommate knows that this is like a, I actually matched with you on Hinge? Do you say anything? Oh, we just matched on Hinge. Don't bring it up. Of course you don't bring it up. The Hinge thing didn't happen. Yes Oh, we just matched on Hinge. Or do you pretend like the Hinge thing? Don't bring it up.

Of course you don't bring it up. The Hinge thing didn't happen. Yes. So you have to meet this person. Well, it happened. Yeah. This is the best attaboy you can have going into the casual drink or whatever. It's like she's been pre-approved.

That they think each other are hot. It's like, I would go on a date with you. I like you. Now we're getting a drink. Yes, I gave you an Allen key. There you go. That's cool. It's like, yeah, you don't bring it up.

You don't have to say, oh, it's crazy we matched on Hinge. That's not what it's about. Yeah. It's just the validation you need before you hang out. And eventually it will come up, ideally after you have hooked up. You say, isn't it crazy we matched on Hinge? Or you don't say anything at all and you just acknowledge that you've matched on Hinge.

And then you go to the bathroom. Should we chat on Hinge or on the group chat? Yeah, that's good. You go to the bathroom and you text her from the Hinge account. Hey, what are you up to tonight? And then you come back out from the bathroom. It's like nothing happened.

This is fucking bizarre. You have a twin on Hinge you're on twinge the the thing about like it's it's only awkward if you had done something and they hadn't done something back you know like if you here's an awkward one uh-huh uh you slid into their dms on instagram asking for a date and they left you on scene but now you're going on a group date. That's kind of interesting. That would be like, oh, okay. Like, is that going to come up? Like they kind of rejected me on this other platform, but you matched on Hinge.

Confirmation that you're into each other. Yeah. So like going out in another context is perfectly fine and good. Yeah. You just don't be the first to bring it up. But if it does come up organically. Yeah, you just don't be the first to bring it up, but if it does come up organically. Yeah, and it wouldn't come up because what is... Unless they bring it up.

Dating apps are just a weird passive thing that happens in the background, matching, liking, chatting. It's all very, very casual. This is you getting caught on a dating app. Yeah. Jillian. It's casual. Oh, so you can fuck whoever you want.

And I can't chat. And I can't go on Tinder. The very least, Thrinder, Hinge, Twinge, OkCupid, SoGayStupid. We should be able to use it all. I'm actually only using Raya to make network connections.

I'm looking to network with a DJ. You shouldn't have deleted Raya. You at the very least should have stayed on Raya. That's what I hear, that people are using it to like meet friends or business associates. Or at the very least just see who else is on it. Celebrities. Yeah, what celebs are on Raya. That's a fun, interesting thing to see.

Yeah. Well, it's more interesting like which basketball players are on it for me. So really, Avital stays on Raya. I use it to sort of talk to basketball players. And so does she. She matches. She could chat with Kevin Durant, but I would be like, hey, it's me. I'm

Avi Tall's man. I'm a huge fan. Do you think you'll end up on the Suns? Then I can use that to sort of gain an edge on the house, making future bets on the NBA. There you go. Because ever since they added V to the roulette table, I can't catch a windfall in Vegas. Explaining myself to Andre Drummond over Riot Chat.

Sliding into a basketball player's DM as a fan. Will you send me an autograph, sir? Jordan Clarkson, I've been following you since 2013. Yeah. Okay, so overall, this lady shouldn't worry as much. Yeah, this is good. This is exciting. Congrats. It's actually really nice. Yeah. Okay, so overall, this lady shouldn't worry as much. Yeah, this is good. This is exciting. Congrats.

It's actually really nice. Yeah. Congratulations to Hillary Hinge. Yep. Congratulations to you guys. Appreciate you watching us. If you are watching, like I said, we are in the studio. We're videoing this whole thing.

And you can listen to us, as always, every week. And if you have your own questions or emails, send them on down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Correct. Jay Scully was the theme song today? That's right, 17-year-old uke player. So we're running low on both. Let's send, now's your best time to get your questions answered

and your theme songs played. That's correct. And for more of us watching Jake and Amir videos, you can check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J-A-J. And we'll be back, of course, next Monday. Yep. Cheers, everybody. Bye.

So you've got a problem, the answer is clear. Email in to Jake and Amir. On the fire with you, they'll help you out. Just shoot them an email Just give them a shout That was a Hiddem Original. sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts

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