Segments - 552: Corked (w/Josh Ruben!)

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

In this episode we discuss kittens, impressions, and Headgum's newest podcast, "Corked!" SUBSCRIBE to and RATE Corked on: Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/corked/id1638826548 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6uIY5vrU1A5Z7EjRdQLWtA FOLLOW Corked on: Twitter: https://twitter.com/corkedpod Instagram: https://instagram/corkedpod Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Hey, come meet you on the telephone. Try them out when you run home. Why do you always do that?

It's the eyes. It's the eyes. You know the stupidest eyeliner. You know what I mean? It's like, they possess it. Just total Chuck E. Cheese mouth. Cool. Cool. That was Butthole Mouth with Uh-Oh. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, with a ton of pop punk bands. That's how he got into music. He's a day one listener and a long time watcher of the series.

And the only thing he has to plug is if there are any bands that want to record or mix anything, Jake. Fade on Shuffle. There you go.

A new fucking pop punk endeavor. You can hit him up on Instagram at Dom, M-A-G-G-I, Dom Maggie. Cool. Yeah, cool.

My band, Ruh-Roh, based on Scooby-Doo, just fandom. Scooby-Pop? Yeah, Scooby-Pop. It's called Ruttro Spagrettios, and it's just all about what all the characters in Scooby-Doo like to eat. That's cool.

Velma loves a hoagie, et cetera, et cetera. That's cool. So does every show start with a theme song? A new song, yeah. A new, a theme song a new unique theme song and that one was uh i guess he has a band too one three one three formerly known as the deftones or maybe what is ffo huh ffo deftones and ratm like another like it sounds like frankly frankly octopi rate against the machine ratm r8 yeah Oh yes, so it says FFO,

Deftones, and RATM. We're not cool enough to read this email. This guy used to play for RATM? I think it sounds like those two things is what I'm thinking. FFO. FFO, Deftones. Final Fantasy Zero.

For those familiar with FFO, FFO, FUNS from Operation. No, that doesn't know what that means. Final Fantasy Zero. For those familiar with FFO. For reals. So. For reals though. Funds from operation. No, that doesn't know. Oh, that's it. Fully finished object.

No, of course not. FFO made it up. Made it up. Okay. Oh, for fans of. Oh. For fans of. For fuck's oak.

Did he think we would know that? Is it? I had to go forward Google search results deep just to figure it out. Yeah, but you're very online so you should have. I do. I should. Is this just what getting older is

that you don't know what the kids are talking about? Like, cool things are? Like, I've been exposing my ankles with fun sneakers for at least two years.

I know. But I don't wear a carabiner and I wear graphic. I'm the graphic shirt guy now. I think this is the debut of my wrist brace on if I were you wrist brace on the hand with your wedding ring

this is tendinitis here this is what getting old is I guess this is growing up do do do do do that's not that couldn't have been what fucking Hoppus was thinking of no way he was talking about it I guess this is getting old and out

and out you know what I mean thinking of. No way he was talking about it. I guess this is getting old and out and out. I guess this is gone. You know what I mean? So exciting to have the stars of Hardly Working Cookies in the room. All together. Cookies. Brownies. See, this is the thing about getting old is you don't even remember the

in-house sketch you did about a current breakup. The iconic sketch, Brownies. It really, really was. It was iconic. And when you watch that again, it holds up and it's almost like future thinking. It was future proof.

The idea, the joke, the execution. It feels like it was something that was shot last year, but it was made. I feel that about a lot of things that I've done. Duck hunt dog. Babies barf into a big mini pool. Jackass girls. Xbox girls punch Xbox boys in the mouth.

Yeah. It's just a real. That was good. Just to kind of look back. Did anybody ever haunt you and go like, I'm going to tell. You know what I mean? Like when it was like, oh, you did that. I'm going to tweet about that.

You know what I mean? Oh, like come back for you. Oh, will right things that i've done the for me and i think the sheer volume of things that we've done and the cancelable stuff inside it it's like i dare there's like why bother that's like just look for something there's too much yeah there's too much i think the thing is we're not um big enough to be canceled oh that's good too yeah so it's like yeah i want to cancel amir yeah all right yeah who is he he basically doesn't work anyway he said gay as a derogatory 10 years ago and you're like that's self-cancelled yeah he doesn't know who nobody knows who they are so it's fine ultimately uh but josh you are also i guess you

lended your voice to a new podcast that HeadGum is releasing Corked which is a scripted our first scripted podcast which has been in the works for years you probably recorded this years ago oh my gosh years before a global pandemic wiped out at least a good portion of the population

right millions millions dead actually technically technically millions dead what was the podcast that we did portion of the population. Millions dead. Actually, technically. What was the podcast that we did? Millions Gone. It's called Before Millions Were Gone due to this vicious influenza. Rest their souls. Toxic, toxic mist. Which is by the way, not going anywhere. It's not going anywhere. Oh, no, it's definitely not.

Okay, we'll live with it. Did you hear everyone's wet cough when we were setting up these three black magic cameras with labels? Anyway, it was about wine. Because it was in a time before we all thought we'd be burned if not coughed to death trying to FaceTime our loved ones. And, you know, one of the things that I think was fun about it is, I don't recall one thing I did on Corked coming either 8.16 or 8.23 is I probably played someone with a weird wheeze, like someone who was, but was also like, like, and maybe, I don't know. I remember listening to the pilot of Corked and thinking it was the funniest thing that

HeadGum had ever done up until that point well it was like semi scripted by John and Giancarlo who shot all our videos shot all the Jake and Mary videos Josh and a bunch of hilarious folks kind of improvised around the outline of the story couldn't tell you one other cast member maybe John Gabrus

Lou Wilson, Betsy Sedaro. Yeah. I think, and it's like loosely scripted. And I think it was like inspired by, remember that podcast, S-Town? Yes, exactly. Oh, yeah. So it's like a guy figuring out a mystery. Yeah, exactly.

But the characters are pretty silly. Yes. Pretty wacky. Yeah. Is it good? We're about to find out I only heard the pilot and this was

it was like six years ago yes is it not six years? I think it was four episodes slowly crafted over the course of half of a decade

I'm tempted to bring up my phone to find the date but I'm afraid that the microwaves will knock us all taking it out of airplane mode render us sterile will write footage you know but I'm afraid that the microwaves will... Cook us all.

Taking it out of airplane mode. Render us sterile. Will, right. Footage, you know, it'll just be a little, footage lost, you know what I mean? Everything we've done so far will be like, footage lost, you know what I mean? All this gold. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you had a HeadGum podcast yourself. This is how long HeadGum's been around. I did. You had a podcast. Josh's Mindhouse. Josh's Mindhouse. Josh's Mindhouse. So before I was canceled, one thing I used to do is just have – I had people over to my house. This is actually kind of an interesting story.

I think you guys were probably – it's not an interesting story. It's just, I guess, a tidbit. A tale, if you will. An anecdote. A random tale. An antidote, if you will. A vaccine. You somehow knew what a Zoom recorder was, H4N.

We'll figure it out. And sure, Mike, and I asked you for those tech specs with that recommendation. I started interviewing people in my living room when I lived in Brooklyn, not far from Jake, literally across the street. So I interviewed 10 people just solo, just as a vocation. And then you guys were like, hey, you want to come do this potentially for income? And I couldn't count what I'd already done.

So I was like, yeah, I did 10. Oh, I have to do 10 more and 10 different ones. So you did it before HeadGum? I did it before HeadGum. It was so upsetting because I had to do more. So everything I did, it was like a pilot. It was like a 10-hour pilot. Yeah, a 10-hour test.

Yeah, because each interview was an hour. Of course. Why didn't we just put those ones on? We've got to go back in time and ask ourselves. 2016 was wild for us. I don't remember any of the decisions I made. Who was the biggest celebrity that you talked to on your show? Oh.

I also had some pretty big names. Phoebe Robinson was my first one. Wow. And Bridget Everett was my second one. Wow. Very cool. Star of Somewhere, Somewhere, Somehow, Somewhere. Ooh, Somebody Somewhere on HBO. Somebody Stop Me. Shows you what I know about the celebrities and Phoebe Robinson, who now has a free form show

that isn't quirked but it's called Everything is Trash and yeah and she worked at College Humor which is a stand up comedian and now she's like

becoming this icon a bunch of our contemporaries have done a lot yeah not us we sort of stayed the course didn't deviate

still doing the podcast thing. Still it, yeah. You gotta keep the recording going. And then we're also looking into developing. We have a pretty interesting outline idea. We, yes. Yeah. That we hope to get in the room. I think we're waiting on Andy to return.

Yes. Are we waiting on a few people to return? We pitched an animated show 17 months ago. Yeah. And we we're waiting on a few people to return. We pitched an animated show 17 months ago, and we're still waiting on feedback. You guys find out about that pilot you cast me in some time ago? We did a television pilot. Yes.

You guys find out about that? I've been waiting by the phone. It was TBS down to TruTV. TruTV shot the pilot. Ultimately, they passed. In the room. Wicked. So wait, so pass. In the room. Wicked. So wait, so passed.

Does that mean there's a likelihood that- Well, we're going to take that copy and shop it around to different streamers. As in the VHS. Illegal for us to actually do that. Or is it just the Zune audio file? You can take it, turn it into something of a podcast. Like a podcast almost. And then I would get that cash money every evening.

Yeah, repurpose that. The pilot could be a podcast. Or like an audio book or something like that that we can then repurpose through an audible or a spottable or an illumination or an illuminati. Luminary Wondery. And we could put that behind a paywall or even a freeway. General Mills just optioned. Yeah. We could window it. I wish. behind a paywall or even a freeway. General Mills just optioned. Yeah.

We could window it. I wish. Because a lot of these serial companies are getting to original content. You joke about General Mills. My buddy just sold a short web series to Kellogg. There's a Rice Krispies tale about three elves who tried to solve one of the murders in their log house. I'm doing a gritty Captain Crunch reboot.

Yeah. It's a monocle era podcast. Right. So it's like Pirates of the Caribbean meets Dune. So Captain Crunch was a second in command and his captain actually killed himself. High in the hills of Ireland is a tale of a small leprechaun trying to steal a bunch of mollusks. Which is the drug for the elves. But no, for real, so the show didn't get picked up.

It got canceled. Passed on. In the can. Unceremoniously. Yeah, we didn't test well. We didn't end well. Yeah, just wanted to get that straight answer. It was a no for them, dog.

Yeah. But we're still plugging away podcast- podcast wise and that's why we're here if i were you the only advice pod on the web still hosted by us we're going on nearly 10 years of this shit wow on that's crumb believable and each year is kind of what are the top nine things you think you guys have learned just in the past 13 years nine 9 here I'll hold up my fingers yeah guest wise it's important to have a friend in the room more so than like a big name

like we can have the biggest celebrity in here and it won't matter as much as like having a you or a Dave Rosenberg 8 to go any other things you've learned in 13 some odd years the power of the host red ad The mighty host red ad

Superior to the programmatic ad Is the host red ad Cool So 7 more Anything? Just kind of off the top of the D? No Right

Off the top It's important to talk into the mic Yeah Mic control Microphone manners They say You don't want to like fidget That's good Off the top. It's more to talk into the mic. Yeah. More to talk into the mic. Mic control. Microphone manners, they say. You don't want to fidget. That's good.

The more you touch, the more that shows up in the final edit. In the final edit. I think there's at least six more, but I could probably top that off for you. Sex sells. Sex sells. Sex sells. Five. So, sex, the cells, the cellular. Still five lessons to be learned.

Still five left by my count of nine. And we are always learning. So those five lessons are actually, those are blank slates because it's only been 10 years. And we want to keep this up. We want to keep it up. More to go, more to grow. Yeah. You also want to respect people's privacy.

And time. And yeah. And it's important to treat the audience with that respect as well. Why? Why? And reverence. That's okay. This is one thing.

Yeah. A lot of the technical difficulties. For those listening at home, the TV behind us just turned on to a channel a channel one other thing that we learned is that it is an airplane pilot so it is a type of pilot

oh it's the airplane pilot oh that's right we're doing these now as a video podcast as well we learned how to count a YouTube stream as a. Right. So you guys can watch. We learned how to count a YouTube stream as a listen. Right. Which is a lesson in a way.

In order to sell more host read ads. Exactly. I might kill myself this year. That's interesting. Let's drill down on that. As a date. Let's drill down on that.

Let's try to get that down as a date. Actually, Josh, correct me if I'm wrong. You have a birthday coming up. You're a late July man, aren't you? So wrong. June 30th. So one thing that, yeah, when I turned 30, excuse me, when I turned 39, I thought most people remember. Yeah.

And yeah, just turned 39, I thought. I knew it was a June, July situation. All right. You're January 9th. Wow, close. And one thing. Very close. And Jake is August 2nd.

Wow, that's awesome. Very, very close. So close. Were those complete guesses? Because they were like within 10 days. I knew you were Capricorn. I knew Leo. And I thought, you know what? I'm just going to fucking go for days. I knew you were Capricorn. I knew Leo. And I thought, you know what?

I'm just going to fucking go for it. I'm a Cancerian June 30th. You knew that because of how we acted? I just found out my rising sign. One second. I just found out my rising sign. Excuse me. It's Scorpio.

That doesn't mean anything. I think I am too. Really? Hey. What does it mean to be a Scorpio rising? I think it means that's how you present to the world. So Scorpios are sexual, intense. He's coming.

Great. Swing. Swing. That's absolutely tight. Actually, I'm looking. You're a Sagittarius rising. Really? Yeah, those people are shrimp-dicked, kind of shriveling.

I present small penis to the world. You have small zaddy energy. Snakey, conniving. You have wrist brace zaddy. It says you have tendonitis. I don't know how they could possibly draw that off Scorpio style. Excuse me.

So Josh, you've done this show before. You get what we're doing, which is answering people's questions, trying to get to the bottom of these very, very, very sticky situations. Do you have a cat? I do, yeah. Ruby, Tubi, Badonkadubi. Ruby for short.

She's a big girl. All right. So this is a question about a cat from a lady who we can call, just give her a fake name to preserve her anonymity. Scrubs Footson. Scrubs writes, I've had a kitten for six months now and I wholeheartedly regret it. Oh. My roommate is this gung-ho animal activist and acts like she got a

fucking Snow White connection to animals. Is that a thing? Snow White connection? Yeah, Snow White, the animal's follower around and stuff. Land on her finger, yada yada. She takes my cat and hides him in her room, kisses him loudly and repeatedly over and over in front of me and never stops saying his name to get his attention

even when we're all watching a movie or have a bunch of people over. She has said in the past that my cat likes her better, which is an all-around dick move. I love my cat, but I really can't stand handling this as it doesn't bother me. I really can't stand handling this as if it doesn't bother me because it does. If I could change anything, it would be the goddamn kissing. Trust me, it's gross as fuck. I can't tell her to stop kissing my cat because then I look like a crazed asshole.

Is there any way for me to subtly tell her to fucking stop kissing my kitten? Scribs, nothing is wrong with what's going on other than the fact that you resent having a cute-ass cat. Let it be kissed. Let the kitten be kissed. And get your head checked. You kiss your cat. Like seriously, Scrubs. Like your name is fucking Scrubs Foots.

And it's like first of all. That's for one. Like number one. That was the name you gave her. Sorry. Excuse me. So it's like. Excuse me.

So I'm just trying to get to the point. So like, you know, my antidote is like it literally, like literally deal. Like literally, literally. Oh, no. Do you kiss your cat? Yeah. With that mouth? Everywhere. Everywhere.

I don't think she likes her roommate is the issue. Yeah. That's, the cat is its own thing. The cat is out of the bag. Do we know where Scrubs lives? Like, would it be expensive to kick her out and kind of wait a couple months? There's an address. I was able to reverse Google search her email address, and it yielded an address, 2511 Maple Lane in Indianapolis, Indiana.

So maybe, yeah, you move a little outside the city center. You can get your own place. That's cool. You don't have to have a roommate. Your cat would just— Remain unkiss to have a roommate. Your cat would just – Remain unkissed in perpetuity. Your cat would get a little less love. Here's an interesting thought.

She said, if I say this, I sound like a crazed asshole. Have you thought about those feelings that are in your head that are unsaid make you the crazed asshole nonetheless? So she's already a crazed asshole just by thinking these things. Right. It's just interesting to be like, if I say this thing that I'm feeling, I'll be a crazed asshole. Yeah. So like that's it's almost, it's like on the cusp

of being self-aware. Yeah. But it's not. Yeah, if you think crazed asshole thoughts but never say them, is that just what being a normal person is? I think so. Or do normal people not even have crazed asshole thoughts? No, they must have crazed asshole thoughts but never say them, is that just what being a normal person is? I think so. Or do normal people not even have crazed asshole thoughts? No, they must have crazed asshole thoughts. Everyone must have crazed asshole thoughts.

So normal people are just the ones that filter their crazed asshole thoughts better. So I guess you're being normal. You could take the cat away every time the kissing gets too wet. You know? It's like, it's getting a little wet. It's like, oh, I want to hold the cat.

Oh, that's good. Good, good. You like being hugged. Kissing, there are a lot of cats. Na, na. Go on and kiss the cat. You could hold a mirror to the situation by you kissing the cat so much. And then the roommate is like, geez, do I look like that when I make out with the cat?

Unless she wants a fucking triple kiss. The roommate gets turned on by the idea. Well, seeing you kiss the cat makes me want to get in there. Under the sea. Under the cat. Darling, it's cat. Down where it's cat down where it's cat um let the cat be kissed by the roommate is the sentiment the cat needs love you don't want to give them the love you clearly don't like the

cat you probably don't like your roommate no i think it's the cat you maybe like the cat you don't like the roommate that's really that's really the issue. Move out of the Indiana City limits. And get out of there. I got a 950 on my SAT, so it doesn't matter. Wherever you are, get out. Find a closet, you and the cat. Have your own separate sides. Put that thing in the corner. Just stare at each other if you don't

want to love it. Raising sans kitties. Sans kisses. Do I have a favorite cat? Is your cat your favorite? do you love the cat raise it sans kitties favorite thing sans kisses do i have a favorite cat no is your cat your favorite do you love the cat the most you're you're like a huge fan of the cat or you like i'm a fan of the cat but it's just it likes doing its own thing most cats do they don't need much of anything feed it you know they're not dogs in that way they're not dogs no dogs need you know what i mean cats are like i'm good leave me for i don't know we leave our cat 10 12 12, 15 days a couple times

way too long no feed or anything because they they're basically independent and then what happens after 15 days you get back I dare you

to cancel me no we get back I've starved a cat that's the thing that's a great thing it wants to be loved it wants to be yes

it's like you know what I mean I say it's east you know what I mean and it's just it's east. You know what I mean? And it's just like, what was that last one? That was,

well, that was just the, the old anxiety hairball coming out and it moves you back, you know? Because she'll, they're smart.

They will, when we do go away for a few days, we do have a cat sitter, guys, relax, not abusive, but they will ration

their food when you leave. So if you don't give it love, it will probably ration when you do give it a little head pat. Store that up, a little camel hunt of love. Anyway, scrubs, get your head checked.

Alright, let's take a break, come back, answer some more questions after these cats. Hey now! 8-16. Corked! 8-23. Check out Corked. 8-23. Check out Corked. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Josh, do you have any?

Oh, it's a lot sooner than I thought. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. Do I look like Jack Black when I do this? Well, I've changed. My body's changed. Check out Goosebumps only on Redbox. Straight to Blockbuster exclusive.

No, I... Do I have unsolicited advice? Yeah. The world's heating up. The world's heating up. I've read that. That's so funny. Europe was at least 46 degrees Celsius. Centigrade. Centigrade. Uh-oh.

My pot boiled. My pot boiled over. They actually aren't equipped to handle that level of heat. And they can boiled. My pot boiled over. They actually aren't equipped to handle that level of heat. And they can't. It's really sort of scary, especially for those of us who have cats. Help. But one thing I've done that I recommend for anyone who's got a vehicle, get a sunshade for your windshield. Interesting.

I love this thing. Barely fits. Got it on Amazon. Didn't measure my windshield to the thing I bought, but I just shove it up into the window. It refracts the heat. I don't boil my ass that bad when I sit down. It's really – I got a sunshade as well last summer. I always forget to put it in when I leave my car.

Correct. It's like it's just sitting there. And I come back, I'm like, fuck. And the car is so hot, it's just sitting there. And I come back, I'm like, fuck. And the car is so hot. And it's just sitting in the back seat. My parents used to have that. It's almost like an accordion cardboard version. Could do.

But I haven't seen it in 20 years. Yeah. You can get ones that fold up like a little photo. Yeah, the technology. That's what I have changed. A little Batman cape. Wow. The technology's changed.

How do you remember to put it out? Well, I'm just an ain't a little half Jew. I just reach behind the passenger seat. So you got one right now. Excuse me. And I'll reach in. I was telling you about where my sunshade is. I know.

So I'm the king of my car. But it's in there right now. Excuse me. So I drive in the front seat. Of course you drive in the front seat. Simply I'm right-handed when I park. Excuse me. So I'll reach my right hand behind the passenger seat.

And it's there right now? Excuse me. And I'll pull it out. Yes. I know that. That's right. I'll put it in the windshield. So I always know it's there.

I just don't forget. I'm just not forgetful. Is it there right now? A couple potheads. I wonder if it's there right now. Not right now, no. It's only 81. It's only 81.

I actually forgot. I forgot it in the back. You guys are adults. You probably have like garages. Your car is wrapped around a tree outside, sir. Yeah actually forgot. I forgot it in the back. You guys are adults. You probably have like garages. Your car is wrapped around a tree outside, sir. Yeah. Yeah, my hand got, it's a little worse than Jake's, but since the accident I thought I didn't want to be late. Wow, that's a really

solid tip because it's a thing people can purchase right now on Amazon probably for like, what, 10 bucks? And here's the thing too. A little follow-up, a little add me on. Okay. You got a credit card with points. You select alt pay method. Okay.

Excuse me. On Amazon. And it will say how many points you have to apply to your purchase. So often when I get toilet paper, a sunshade, a solar panel for my ring camera so that I don't have to charge it. Yes. That was a weird breath in. Get used to it. I'm on my deathbed.

I just want to tell you, you can use your credit card points and like get stuff for free. That's an incredible tip. I did not know that at all. Wow. Credit card points to get anything for free? It depends on the credit card, I suppose. I only apply it on Amazon, sometimes for an airline or what have you.

But look for where it says when you're checking out alternate payment method. Yep. Because everyone's going to die and those points are going to go unused. That's my point. That's the credit card company's gambit. You bunch of corpses. Do you know that? Right?

That's what their fucking gambit is. You bunch of corpses. They give you the points. You bunch of fucking. So you have free stuff and you save them. You hoard them. And then you're dead and you don't use them and they get them back. They get them back.

They get them back. The banks get them back. They don't get them back. You just didn't use them. It's not like a finite resource that they receive them back. You don't think so. So you've spent all that. It just depletes. It's not a valuable thing. Like Bitcoin, it just deletes. Just down, a valuable thing. Like Bitcoin just deletes, right?

Just down, down, down. Down, down, down. Like a fart in the wind, eh? Yeah. Interesting. All right. Sunscreen for your car. That's really good.

Doge. Remember clubs for the steering wheel? Oh, for the steering wheel. That's like the things that I think about when my parents' car, when I was little. There was a club and then a sun protector. Yeah. Okay. But I guess they don't have clubs anymore, right?

But they do. Yeah. Jill's dad used a club on the car until like three or four years ago. Wow. Then they finally got a new car and the club went with that. Maybe the club didn't fit on the new car. Maybe like the technology is like built into the steering wheel now. Well, yeah, steering wheel.

No, I don't know. It can lock. Yeah, I think there's just better locking mechanisms. Right on. I don't know. And also, cars are all like tracking. It's a lot harder to steal a car, I'd imagine. Yeah, they all have tracking devices now.

Yeah. Yeah. You steal a car, they know where you are. Right. You steal a car, they know where you are. Court, check it out. 816 or 823. That's really good. Court, check it out. 816 or 823. That's really good.

You understand? Alright, here's a question about somebody that doesn't want to go to law school. So what would we call this non-lawyer guy's name? Oh, what do we call him? Oh, um, yeah. Pimp Bradley.

Pimp Bradley and Scrubs Footson are two advice askers. I'm a 24-year-old guy from Colorado who graduated from college last year. I deferred my admission to an out-of-state law school for a year because of COVID. During the past few months, I've had some serious doubts about even going to law school at all and what I actually wanted to do with my life. I don't want to go out-of-state. I don't want to go to this out-of-state law school, but I don't know how to tell my parents that I won't be going. And instead I'm

moving to an apartment with one of my close friends and pursuing a career in the sports entertainment field. I know I should have a formal plan when I tell my parents, you know, like an actual job. Currently I'm an ice cream scooper at the moment, but I don't have anything lined up after applying to jobs for over a year. I really think going to law school right now is something I don't want to do. I'd like to start making my decisions for myself and doing things that I want to do. Any help with how to tell my parents my plan since I was a sophomore in high school?

Since this was my plan since I was a sophomore in high school, and it's no longer happening. This would be greatly appreciated. Love you both. Pimp. Bradley. PB. Well, he loves you both. You answer. He didn't say I love you too much. I think he has to go to law school.

Really? Yeah. For the dad slash culture. So he'll go to school out of state and learn. It can't be that hard, right? It's only four years. It's only four years. You have to take the bar and then you become a lawyer. Right. And then it would only, after just four years, then you're a lawyer.

And then it's just a lifetime and career of doing something you don't want to do. Moving up. Yeah. But then you can charge more and get more cash. Yeah. And then on your deathbed, you could do the ice cream scooper thing. Is that what he wanted to do? Sports entertainment or whatever.

Whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Either way, he's a lawyer. He didn't say he loved me. He'd do whatever he wants. Do you have any friends that became lawyers? Like none of my friends did that.

I don't think anyone became a lawyer. No, I feel like everyone who became a lawyer ended up being, like, a writer or, like, started a flower shop. Right. They ended up not being a lawyer. I know one person who was, who literally did, they did law school, studied for the bar. Like, killed themselves for the bar. Like, studied for just 369 days straight. Passed.

And then was just like, I'm going to start my own business. man but i'm just gonna you know do get in the stationary yeah i said what girl did you just want a challenge i got a 950 on my sat you keep saying that i know you know how hard i know you know how hard it was to do sat prep? Is that one was out of 2,400 or out of 1,600? Oh, no, out of 1,600. All right, good. 320 math, 630 verbal. That's right. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I don't know, English and numbers. Yeah, I had a friend that just like studied for the LSATs over and over and over and then just became an LSAT tutor. So he didn't become a lawyer. He just taught people how to do well on the LSAT tutor. So he didn't become a lawyer. He just taught people how to do well on the LSATs. That's rough. That's, yeah. I mean, I imagine

that's kind of lucrative. That's like studying haunted houses and becoming a ghost. You know what I mean? It's just like, it doesn't make any sense to me. You just pitched

a new Ghostbusters movie in which the Ghostbusters become Slimers some shit. Courts, check it out. 823 or 823. 823 or 816. Yeah, I can't imagine law school is that hard because there's what, like four basic laws

and then they're like, all right, read the rules and then you'll get a contract. It's a lot of work. Yeah, and then you finish the... Trust me. At the end of the bar, they're just like, listen, it's just like really random shit. The last, literally, when you get to the end of the bar, it just like listen it's just like really random shit yeah

the last literally when you get to the end of the bar it's just like what do you really want that's the question it's like

what do you really it's the word the question is come on like C apostrophe M-O-N comma what do you really want to do

W-H-A-D-D-A really want to do come on what do you really want to do and then it's just you just write in your answer that's really cool I want to be a lawyer

like John Grisham like a writer that writes legal thrillers that could be an answer and that was you'd get it right on the bar that is interesting i mean literally contract stuff is like probably the worst part of being a creative it's like you work really hard you pitch stuff and then sometimes lawyers like get involved and then you're just like oh my god it takes years it takes years. It takes years. Years. You know what a, not a long form is? Yeah. You ever hear about that? Yeah.

So you do that, you literally do a job and then like, by the way, two years after you finish a job, the lawyer- We're ready to sign the long form. We just, we're ready to sign the long form. They passed four years ago. Lawyers, that should be, yeah. Like, how do they, how do any of them have hair? How does any lawyer have hair?

I'd like to know how they have hair as well because they're negotiating stuff that won't happen. If you know why, if you know any lawyer that still has their hair, write to headgum.com backslash PepsiColaCorked816.uk. That's also entertainment law so i think that's there it feels like an entertainment law the whole point is to negotiate everything until it's a gray enough area that everyone can be right in case anything goes wrong oh and the constant redefining and by the way affiliate by that meaning circus performer aka we really want to hammer down the details if this goes seven seasons who gets the rights to that's kind of like the contract law and stuff. But then there's other types of law out there. Yeah, like ambulance chasers. Like, oh, do you have mesothelioma?

Yeah. Which, by the way, isn't real. I looked it up. I thought I had it, but it's not a real disease. What did you think it was and what did you end up having? I had asthma. And I thought it was... Mesothelioma?

Yeah. It's a type of herb. You had an herb? Mesothelioma. So I'm just going type of herb. You had an herb? Mesothelioma? So I'm just going to add a little dill, a little parsley. A little mesothelioma. It's in drywall, but it's basically not a bacteria. Oh, so I shouldn't add it to fish.

I should. You can. Okay. And should. But if you have it, you have to call this fucking lawyer, and then he gets you money for it. And that lawyer doesn't have any hair. I don't even know if he eats fish. He doesn't have any time.

He's been reading long form for 25 years. He's hairless and scareless. So ultimately, you're 24 years old. You should probably do what you want. It's going to be a hard conversation to have with your parents. Yeah. But the thing that – as somebody who has disappointed their parents deeply in the past, the nice thing about at least most parents, good ones, they love you unconditionally. So they're sort of pot committed.

This will be a hard conversation and maybe there'll be some initial disappointment, but it doesn't hold a candle to the disappointment that you would have if you went to law school and did something you didn't want with your life. And your parents ultimately want you to be happy. And the other thing I'll say is sports, getting into a career in sports entertainment is, that seems like a good job stability there. Sports are popular.

So it's just about breaking in. Wait, one more point, actually, excuse me. I didn't say anything. You go to law school, don't like it, become a lawyer, hate it so much that you really have to quit and chase your other dream of becoming a sports entertainment person or whatever. That's five, six years lost on that journey. So it's actually better to start on that, not getting a job when you're 24 than when you're 30. That's all. Are your parents still disappointed in you?

They are, but for other reasons, not career-wise. Copy that. Yeah. I'm bad to my family members. Huh. Let's take another break. I'm not generous. I'm antagonistic.

Yeah, let's take another break. Some sponsors. And let's do Corked. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16. 8-16 and let's do corked 816 or 823 down by the river i borrowed money and not returned it i'll be right back from siblings thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell,

easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments

to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace.

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Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. All right, we're back. Hey, wow. Let's try to answer another question, shall we?

Yes. This is getting ridiculous. What's up? This is absolutely insane. This is fucking nuts. Okay. I can't believe it. You don't have a question do you?

not a question but a thought experiment thought starter now here we go a guy recognized a co-worker from when they were childhood friends so what should we call this dude Josh? a guy

so the co-worker are you looking for the co-worker's name? we're talking to the guy who wrote this email saying I recognize this guy A guy So the co-worker Are you looking for the co-worker's name? We're talking to the guy who wrote this email saying I recognize this guy But I acted like I didn't Oh, Crank Friglet That is a good Crank

That's an all-time name Scrub, Pimp, and Clank The original three Frigget I'm a 21-year-old male 21-year-old male who just started going to college. One of my friends from high school met a guy in one of his classes who he said was pretty cool

and he wanted to introduce him to our group. When I met him, it took me a few seconds to recognize his face, but I realized he was really good friends. He was my really good best friend from childhood. I stopped talking to him when I was in sixth grade. Our families were super close,

and I think he still keeps in contact with my cousins or something. Their family even sends us Christmas cards, so we were pretty good friends. And it's an awesome coincidence to reunite with a long-lost friend under the pretense of meeting a stranger. But here's the problem. I pretended like I didn't even know him. I'm pretty shy and non-confrontational,

so getting into a potentially emotional moment made me turn tall and act like a stranger. He even mentioned, oh, I think I know you, and I just said something like, oh, that's crazy, and carried on. We even got lunch afterward, and I treated him like a stranger the whole time. I've since realized that this was a mistake, and I want to reconnect with with him or at least acknowledge that this is a crazy coincidence what should I do? Perhaps a passive message like something on Instagram or something

Nobody gives Crank Friglet the cold shoulder That's the message? Yeah Okay This is a weird one where it's like a really small deal, but so bizarre of you to do that. It's also weird. Like, he's only 21 and he hasn't seen him since he was 12.

It's not like he's 74. It's been like four years. Yeah. It's been like four years. He was your best friend at age 12 and you acted like you didn't know him at age 20? And how mutated have we all gotten to not recognize one another? It's a two-way street. Like, wouldn't Crank Friglet recognized, you know, Mike Piggles or whoever wrote in or whatever? Have we all gotten to not recognize one another? It's a two-way street.

Like, wouldn't Crank Friglet recognize, you know, Mike Piggles or whoever wrote in or whatever? Like, we're in our late 30s. If I saw my best friend from age 12, I'd like instantly be like, holy shit, how's it going? When we were at our live show in New York a few years ago, it was like 2015, my mom brought one of my best friends from when I was not 6th grade but from when I was like 8 as like a surprise who she is like I think she's dating him he was her side piece

but she was his main chick cork so this is crazy situation 816 or 23 I don't know how or why. Maybe he was coming to the show. Anyway, I have no idea. But anyway, you were there.

He came backstage. And I didn't recognize him at first until my mom said his name. Interesting. So there is a world where he was. Oh. Excuse you. He's actually FaceTiming right now. This is insane.

I have to pick up. I've never done this before. Dad, it's finally me. So you didn't recognize him until she said something. Yeah, like it was a weird crazy moment where I was like, I know this guy. And then my mom

said his name. I was like, oh my god. But I guess what I'm saying is it's just weird to avoid that. Um, so you should make, you should make it right. You should come to him and be like, yo, that was crazy. I remembered how I know you. Yeah.

And then like clear the air. Yeah. Mind blown emoji it a little bit and be like, you know, cause, because this is, this is the fact. No one gives Craig Friglet the cold shoulder. The cold shoulder. Yeah, it's funny.

He's like, oh my God, I remember you from 2013. It was only nine years ago when we were the best friends in the world. You still hang out with my cousins. Yeah.

We don't look that different. So it's obvious that we're friends. Pre-vaccine. It's like, come on, guys. You should find a Christmas card or something or a photo of you guys together when you were like tweens. Yeah. Send-vaccine. It's like, come on, guys. You should find a Christmas card or something or a photo of you guys together

when you were like tweens. Yeah. Send that to him. Be like, I think I found out why you look familiar. A little holy guacamole, mind-blown emoji.

Mind-blown emoji. There you go. But clear the air. Clear the air, bro. Come on. No one gives Clank Friglet a cold shoulder. Are you guys still friends

with your 12th? Like, who's your best friend in sixth grade? Are you friends with him still? Vidal Alexander. God bless him. No idea. Really?

You don't know him? No idea what he's doing. I'm not on Facebook. Because you went different junior highs? Is that what happened? Elementary school friends? He was in Potomac, Maryland. Vidal, if you're listening, reach out to me.

It's just my name at Gmail. Truly all of you. It's Ian. R-U-B-E-N. And don't pretend you're Bedal Alexander. He was my best friend. We, like, made comic books together and stuff. But I moved from Potomac, Maryland to Woodstock, New York.

There goes our... Yep. There it is. Our billboard. And that was just how we drifted. And you just never saw him because it was, like, 1997. You couldn't email him even. 94 even.

95. You move as a kid. You move as a kid. You'll never see that child again. It's like Stand By Me. There's a quote in the film which said, friends come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant. Man, that's crazy.

And not anymore. You keep in touch with anyone you knew when you were eight. Jake follows a girl I kissed eight years ago on Instagram, and he sends me updates every day. That's the opposite. Every day? That's true. The opposite of a life event. Meanwhile, you're losing best friends, Jake.

Yeah. He's like, did you see what happened with- I don't follow- Did you see her Cape Cod album? I follow like 200 people on Instagram, and she's one of them. But I mostly do. Yeah. I'm friends with the Rosenbergs and Carnell.

How long have you known the two of them? Since the 80s? Since seventh grade. Oh, okay. So like kind of late. And most of my other friends I've lost touch with or checking in with every once in a while. Fair. I feel like all my best friends came to me from college humor.

Interesting. Yeah. I have childhood friends and then like post-college friends, but I didn't really make any new friends in college era. My oldest friend is, I guess, probably Sam Reich. Wow. Who I met at summer camp in 2000. So over half your life.

You've known him for 20 years plus. Yeah, it's crazy. About as long as he's been married. Fucking crazy. Still making weird noises. I'm going to be 40. You know what I mean? It's like, why am I going around doing...

You know what I mean? Because it's good, man. Yeah, because it's good. It's like, you can't stop making dinosaur pig noises. Do the dolphin? Yeah. And it's also like... Check out Court816.

Hit me with a seagull? Oh, yeah. It's also like, check out a court, 816. Hit me with a seagull? Oh, yeah. The dolphin and the seagull is the same thing. Sometimes I have the frog and I kind of never know when it's going to get caught in my throat. Sometimes it's just like. Oh, yeah. Just a court.

Just like the. Yeah. Now I'm not in court anymore. I'm not relevant. Everyone can do it now. Teach me Jeff Bridges. Hey, man. Hey, man.

Hey, man. Hey, man. I can't really do it. It's more like Frank Oz doing a Dark Crystal character. I sound like the kid from Family Guy. I can only do like two things. What do you do? I can do the kid from Family Guy like, what's wrong with me now?

It's not Seth Green. That's good. And? That's one. Is there a second? Do I do another impression? You do like a Neil Diamond or Jon Stewart. Anthony Kiedis.

Oh yeah. Can't fight the beast to fight the beast, dude. It's sort of a Kermit the Frog. Can't fight the beast to fight the beast, dude. Can't fight the beast to fight the beast, dude. I'm my piggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy. of a Kermit the Frog. He's about to be somebody in you. They're about to stop at such a beach, dude.

I'm my piggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy. Jake, you do anyone? I do, yeah, I do Mark Wahlberg. Oh, yeah, Josh. And that's it. Wow.

I bet we could all do an Owen Wilson. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah, that's, yeah, great. Wow. I was actually watching,

I was listening to a podcast where people were talking about Bottle Rocket, what a cool movie it was, and I just started watching it. Is it cool? Yeah, a very young Owen and Luke Wilson. Yeah. You can tell, they're just so fucking like, dynamic to watch. Yeah, there's a bottle, there's a male rock shooting air.

Yeah, was his nose broken or was his pre-nose broken? It was very broken still. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, freshly. He broke it on set. It just happened

and I did it too. I did it myself and he said, Wes Anderson goes roll and I said, one second and I just went, yeah.

Just collapsed. You know what I mean? I insist. Is there anything else you wanted to promote? I don't know. You're working on so much stuff. It's hard for me to keep up.

Well, one thing I can talk about now that I'm on this genre, this unfunny genre podcast. You're a horror. You're becoming a horror director. That's right. By trade. They literally sent me this hat. This company, Super Yakky, which does really cool movie merch, sent me this. Directed by Sam Raimi the other day.

I had to wear it because with my weed crocs just a little point such a weird career directs horror movies does seagull sounds and I'm here you went from comedy to horror

what? from comedy to horror from comedy to horror I guess I'm sort of a horror fan I play there's a movie coming out

in December where I play a very like a very bad very bad man wow yeah very very bad and we just premiered tribeca film festival it's going to play these other festivals internationally it's called a wounded fawn holy shit and it's basically like what would happen if like american psycho went to the cabin from evil dead wow and i i get to play like like the the very like basically, it's my

version of Patrick Bateman. It was so fun. And he just gets his ass kicked the whole time. Wow. Is he evil the whole time or does he like turn? Oh, he's super, super evil. But it's, you're basically watching an abuser get their ass kicked by like Greek goddesses. It's a wild movie. Amazing. It's incredible.

Yeah, the director's Travis Stevens. He's like he's an artist. But it was crazy because he was like, and he just offered it to me. He wrote me on Twitter and was like, I think you're crazy enough to do this thing. And I was like, oh, you know, my impulse, which my wife-to-be hates, is just to turn

everything down. Like, no, I don't even want to look at it. And I read it and I was like, oh, this is weird. This is good. And it's like, yeah, Plante is a bad dude. Wow. Just acting, not writing or directing. Just acting. Just acting.

So it was also hard as a horror filmmaker, you know, when I like wanted to help, just like trying to mansplain like, ooh, that condor, this would be better as a Dutch angle from a low, just perspective, perspective. But I just had to go yeah just try not to be just a mansplain a backseat director backseat Caucasian filmmaker let's just try one more do you mind if I touch the camera a little bit

I'm gonna stop and then I'm gonna go again don't say anything I'm gonna go again sound ready speeding and can you imagine which is probably my nightmare is working with literally Sound ready. Sound ready. Speeding and. Speeding and. And the director's like. Can you imagine? Which is probably, it's just, my nightmare is working with literally any actor male over 40 is there's going to be someone just going, oh, I got it, bro. Or like if you're, my biggest fear is working in TV.

Like someone's just like, Dr. Nay Nay, would Nay Nay say that? Like that. So I got it. Oh, because the character has been around for seven years. All the actors who are on TV are just like but if anyone knows the character

it would be me and it's like the director you're just like I'm just prepared to just you know that is weird

that they bring in new directors for shows that have been around for 200 episodes that's a great idea yeah bring a brand new camp counselor in

after two and a half years of you guys singing Kumbaya and just like could we maybe do a different song we sing Kumbaya. Just like, could we maybe do a different song? We sing Kumbaya in a different way. Yeah.

But yeah, Wounded Fawn, check it out. Coming to Shudder this December, I think. And your other movie was on Shudder too, right? My first movie, Scare Me, was on- I remember signing up for that service for one day to watch Scare Me. Thank you. Bless you.

Yeah, yeah. Doing a lot of stuff for Shudder. Produced another movie called Blood Relatives. It's pretty rad. Wow. Shudder's hooking it up. Shudder's your bread and butter. Shudder to bread and butter.

Which means I'm trying to just look into some alternate income just to suck. You have a lot of cavities. It's cool. You have a lot of cavities, I was going to say. Every time you laugh laugh I just see holes in your teeth is there a section of the drugstore

you can put oh I'm joking myself I've literally just been just inadvertently just subconsciously end it now you know before I have to pay for this wedding

it's coming up but yeah good stuff good stuff great stuff actually spent my last 60 bucks on these weed crocks those look comfortable It's coming up. But yeah, it was fun. Good stuff. Good stuff. Great stuff, actually. Spent my last 60 bucks on these weed crocks. Those look comfortable. Worth it.

At least. They are. Oh, they're absolutely just scraping up my toes. It's been a fun ride. And again, more Josh on HeadGum. Of course. Of course. We don't know if it's 816 or 823.

That's the sort of running joke here. Yeah. It's going to be one of those two days. Not sure who I played and why, but it was 10 years ago, and I apologize for the- A prepubescent Josh. I can't believe my voice. And Vidal Alexander is in it too, I think. I hope so.

Vidal, I hope you're cool with us dropping a name nine times, but Vidal Alexander was my BFF from Potomac, Maryland. If you're listening to this, this next song is for you. I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without Vidal. Sweet. And thank you guys for watching. If you have more questions or theme songs, send them all

down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. If you guys are watching this show on our YouTube channel, you can watch this entire darn thing. Every episode is now viewable as a video as well as audio. Correct. And there's more of us on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA.

Ja. Thank you again, Josh. They're using my image to monetize. No one told me. We'll write you a pretty hefty check. And we validate. And if you end up getting COVID today, we'll pay you double. Amir insisted I pay for parking.

Sunglasses into your eyes. Sweet. We'll see you next week. Bye, everybody. Later. We'll see you next time. You'll be my stepfather So you can proofread my emails Please read my email Please read my email Please read my email

Please read my email Listen To if I were you Only if I were you, only if I were you. Listen to if I were you, only if I were you. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by

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