Segments - 553: Naval Massage (w/Chris Redd!)

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

Comedian Chris Redd joins us live on stage as part of Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal! We discuss sexy Facetimes, platonic massages, and performing in front of six people. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. All right, Montreal, we're here.

Have fun. Enjoy the show. It's us. It's Jake and Amir. Here. Rose and Rose and Marguerite That was the worst intro to a show I've ever heard in my whole entire life. Could you guys hear me? Could you hear him twice? Once over the Native American lands thing. It was a miscommunication on my behalf.

Montreal, we're here. Have fun. It's Jake and Amir. Are you trying to sabotage us? They said, they're like, this is the microphone. And as soon as the music cuts off, it's all you. You can introduce it. I'm like, all right, here we go. Music cuts off.

It was actually the announcement about the stolen lands that cut off. And then I'm like, all right, are you guys ready to listen to some more important shit? And then they're like, please, no heckling. No, I'm like... So... It wasn't on, and they're like, now, go. I'm like...

Now it's the punk rock song Jake wrote. Yes! Fade on shuffle, shout out. This is actually our first show. Wow. Yeah. Let's run that song back. Wow.

Technically, does your, who, somebody else wrote the music, recorded it, and sang it. What are you... They're not here. This is stolen valor. Like the lands. Do they know you...

Wrote the song? Do they know you wrote the song, but does that guy know that this is the first concert? Because you said this is the first concert of Paid on Travel. I feel like, yeah. Well, everything was a co-pro. He didn't really write the lyrics, but I had

my hand in everything. Yeah. Because I came up with the idea of the song, I think. You came up with the concept. But I feel like I really drilled it home. Yeah. What's the name of the guy? Let's give him the credit now. Donnie or Donnie. You don't even know. Jesus Christ. What's the name of the guy? Let's give him the credit now. Donnie or Ghani. You don't even know. Jesus Christ.

It's Gory... Gary? Gory Gary. Gareth something. Yeah. Super talented guy. Nothing without me. No, I do. It's Gareth O'Connor. Okay, Gareth O'Connor. Shout out to that guy. Congratulations. Thank you guys for coming to our first show in what? Four or five

years? I don't even remember we missed we missed two years because of covid but the two years before that uh just because we had like uh i had our own illness shit going on yeah i had a personal pandemic if you can believe it just me entirely within my body. I had something called COVID-15, which you won't ever hear about. I was patient negative one. For four years, I had this disease before the plandemic. Can we talk about it? Do they know about this shit? You know Fauci did it.

This is why we had our falling out. I became alt-right, then I became alt-left. Now I'm alt-center, which is fine. Soon, you'll be alt-right. Yeah, and then I'll be alt-right, alt-right, alt-center. This is weird to hold a microphone. We usually have it in stands that go up and do that. Can you not adjust yours?

I don't know. I'm afraid to try. I'll vamp for seven minutes while you figure it out. You vamp. Did anybody fly here? You vamp, I'll clamp. That's really good. Oh, there we go. You drove far away? Drove from far away?

Yeah. Toronto? Yeah. This one's stuck. I'm actually really strong. It's just... I think it's actually supposed to be this way. Keep on vamping. I'm Edmonton. Is anybody from...

Boo. I lost him. It's fine. I fixed the microphone just in time. If you're listening at home, Jake positioned his stand to look like an origami swan. It's beautiful.

I put it away. It looks like a nice sculpture. It's so detailed and intricate. Can I crack this thing? Please. I'll vamp. Anybody from... What about an all vamp podcast

hosted by a vampire? That's basically our podcast now. Yeah, but not the vampire part. It's vamp, vamp, vamp, adds one question, adds unsolicited advice, add, add, add, vamp. Vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp. It's a car alarm. Vamp, vamp, vamp. Cheers, Montreal.

Oh, cheers. Wow. Our first show back. Wow. Feels good. My goal was to learn French so I could do half the show in English and half in... Oui, oui.

Yeah, in Francois. Si. And I got un petit far, but my tutor... My tutor, Coucht-ce que c'est, blew his fucking brains out. How do you say that in, un s'il vous plaît,

or how do you say hung himself? You said he blew his brains out. It was a very intricate, sort of multi, un-deux-trois-step. Six-choix-cent. As it were. Croissant. Yeah.

So I think it's just English for tonight. But we are, as always, equipped with great questions, real questions from real people. But, of course, we're going to need fake names. That's right. Fake names to preserve their anonymity. So we're going to be relying on you guys, Montreal. So thank you so much. Crandis, where the hell have you been the last four years?

How was your COVID, Crandis? Yeah, you didn't call, you didn't write. I heard you lost your entire family, Crandis. I'm sorry to hear that. Your family fortune, Crandis. Crandis follows us from city to city. Every single show Crandus has been a part of, and we're glad that Crandus is still here

on the other side, so thank you guys. Glad to survive. And thank you to Crandus. We'll call this person Crandus, though their real name is Daniel. Oh, shit. You really have to stop doing that. Shit ass.

Who'd you wave to? I saw you sort of wave. Like sort of like a quick little nod. Peace sign. I really wouldn't want to blow up anyone's spot. But they're very famous and they came to our show. Holy shit. Yeah.

Blink-182 is here, everybody. I had a dream about seeing a bunch of my friends having an orgy. That's right. Nothing's hotter than fantasizing about your friends fucking. In the middle of a Dungeons & Dragons game. That's my shit.

Also, nothing's hotter than that. I also distinctly remember watching the whole ordeal on my best friend's Snap story and that I was jerking it to the video and crying. Bizarre, I realize, and while it may be telling of some deeper issues, some fucked up kind of FOMO perhaps?

Grandis is starting to psychoanalyze himself. Things are figuring that out. Tell me more about this. It's fucked up FOMO. Shout out to BetterHelp. You can't do this yourself. You need to talk to a professionally licensed therapist. And our first ad break. My God, we're 10 minutes in.

And that's why I'm coming to y'all for help. Oh, for Get Better. Great. We got this. Yeah. I've been haunted by the images from this dream for days now, and it's seriously affecting me. I've been avoiding these friends for the past week,

and last night I went out to dinner at the place we always go to together, and I got incredibly nauseous as soon as I sat down. And I ended up... There's no way this is true. He ended up dry heaving into the restaurant toilet for ten minutes before leaving. Sort of psychosomatic response to this. This is the most fucked up version of FOMO I think I've ever heard.

I have FOMO and Giardia What do I do? I'm only 18 So drinking my That's right The horniest age So drinking myself into an amnesic Stupor is out of the question Do I talk to my friends?

A therapist? And if so How in God's name do I bring up a fuck dream without giving everyone, oh, without giving everyone Giardia? He actually mentions himself. Same idea. Thanks in adjance for your help, Crandis.

Let's give it up for Crandis. A.K.A. Daniel. Wow, a dream so hot it made him heave. Have you ever had such a wet slash dry dream? Oh, that's good. Wet dream dry nights? Is that the name of the other song?

Oh, yeah, that's the other song. That's the next Fade On Shuffle. Actually, that was the original one, isn't it? No, I don't remember. Either way, so his sex dream was jerking off to a Snapchat story. His dream, where you can just do anything you want. Yeah. Some people fly. Others.

Yeah. Others cry. Yeah. And he decided to, using his subconscious and the infinite possibilities, watch his friends have a lemon party, rolling a 20-sided die, and cry. And cry. Then he woke up still affected by the dream

and has some sort of visceral reaction every time he's just near a restaurant that he used to frequent. Yeah. So it seems like he has to do something about it. I definitely wouldn't be talking to them, right? Coming clean about this kind of thing doesn't solve it. It just makes everyone think about the dream. Yeah.

And then everyone's trying to direct it or something. Like, I had this crazy dream. Do you guys want to hear it? And they're like, oh, okay. Was I naked? More than that. Way more. No, you were getting blown by Cheryl.

Oh my God, what were you doing? I was watching the whole thing on Snap. And I was crying. Yeah. It was so beautiful. Yeah, if you could dream about, why not put yourself in the orgy that's another thing that he should talk to lucid dreaming you mean yeah if he could lucid dream it's just him watching porn which he could do anyway it seems like it's a waste of uh that's

an interesting notion that you have to have a you have to have a sexual experience that erases this one. I didn't say that at all, but yeah. That's actually really interesting. You should blow his male friend. Shut up, I was talking to myself. Yeah, if you can do something that kind of like outshines the crying snap story of it all. Okay. Okay. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Roll for initiative. That's really good. I think. I don't fully understand what that means, but yeah. You have a D&D slash orgy style podcast. Has something ever... I have a D&D podcast. It's not really like an orgy based... D&D slash orgy style podcast? Has something ever... I have a D&D podcast. It's not really like an orgy based. D&D meets

S&M. Has anything ever devolved or honestly evolved into some sort of back and alien adventure? Where I'm sleeping with Caldwell. No. Interesting. But have you ever dreamt about that and masturbated to your phone while weeping

no well in my dream i was seeing it on an instagram story that's different totally different snapchatted it disappears instagram story is more that's normal fomo it's more permanent yeah exactly right so you wouldn't tell your friends if you had a sex dream about them not unless you actively want to fuck them because i think that's the only reason that you would tell someone about the sex dream. Oh, it like sort of puts it in the ether. It doesn't clear the air. No. Yeah.

It makes the air musty. Yeah. It dusts the air. Yeah, nice. It's almost like a sticky air. You got it. Everyone's humid in here is all. Are you hot? I think I am here is all. Are you hot?

I think I am warm, yes. Are you guys hot? Yeah. Yeah, we have COVID now. Well, this is a hot, it's a hot scenario though, too. So I don't know if I have COVID or if it's hot in here

or if I'm just turned on by the idea of someone jerking off while they're watching their friend's fuck. It was the cook because you got a positive on your rapid test. yeah so it's definitely not two lines yeah exactly yeah yeah and it was sublime should he talk to a person i already said no oh the therapist i think we're as good or better because we're actually pulling an audience right now. Yeah, therapist is just one person

with, I guess, history and education. I'm actually, I'm going to go ahead and say that this is like in line with sex dreams. My first sex dream,

do you guys mind if I share my first sex dream? This was, they all yelled, no. Oh, wow.

In unison. Impressive. This was the first time I ever ejaculated. This was the nocturnal emission Okay Good man This is what I miss the most about podcasting Just how intimate it is

Usually when you're talking about cum There's four people listening I was in a pool with Zach and Kelly from Saved by the Bell. Really hot. Yeah. Malibu Sands, Bayside.

Where are we talking? It was at my local pool club. Yes. It was at the High Lane Club. And I was sort of like looking between Zach and Kelly, Mark Paul Gosselaar. He's not a French Canadian. Gosselaar. Gosselaer, and Tiffany Gosselaer, Gosselaer,

and Tiffany Amber Tisson. Tiffany Amber Thierry Henry, yeah. And I was like, you can make a choice. You either get to have sex with Mark Paul Gosselaer, or Tiffany Amber Tisson.

Yeah. And I chose Tiffany Amber Thiessen, but we didn't actually have sex. I sort of just humped the pool jet, which was something I was doing at the club anyway. You woke up sort of fucking a car. Right. Yeah. You had sleptwalked to your dad's Volvo.

I fell asleep in the pool, actually. I was fucking the gas tank. of fucking a car. Right. Yeah. You had slept and walked to your dad's I fell asleep in the pool, actually. I was fucking the gas tank. But that was my psyche rather than having sex with Kelly Kapowski, went into a pool and fucked a jet near her. That's cool.

And that was as hot as it got. So what I'm saying is that I think that this is a normal sex dream. You can't control what you're dreaming

and I don't think you need to talk to a therapist. But I could be wrong, so round of applause if I'm right. They would have clapped at anything. And I won't take another... I think that's everything. Those are the only options.

Would you say nocturnal and mission accomplished? That's good. let's move on to the next question but first i want to hear about the first time you nutted in your uh sheets i also remember it was a an actor from a tv show called head of the class uh i forget her name denise i think uh and i don't know. Now that you've inceptioned me, I also want to say it was in your bed or some shit. But I remember thinking that I'd urinated myself. I pissed my pants, basically.

Because it was that much. It was that viscous. I surfed out of my room to school that day. I look like a fruit punch mascot. Just fucking, yeah, it was that red too. Absolutely. Mom opened the door. It was like a cereal commercial.

Clap if you agree with me. Clap if that's hot i would agree i would agree yeah um i i think i that was my first i did that before doing it myself my brain for masturbating let this fucking give me give let me access to this guy's libido he's not gonna fucking do it never do it hands free since 83 with mario we have to just make him come at night when he's not thinking now go go go i pissed myself oh great we wasted it and he didn't even come. It was another 10 years before you realized what masturbating was. More or less, yeah. Okay, next question. I think we all agree you shouldn't talk to anyone about this ever again. Oh, this guy's in the Navy.

General cleanliness. Oh, nice. General cleanliness. That was really fast. That's my intellectual property. Yeah. you ended up doing nothing with it i'm rich from it actually yeah general license to a tv show in china general cleanliness rights here's my dilemma i'm currently in the navy and serving on a destroyer in virginia it's fucking battleship yeah destroyer is the one that's only two virginia that's the best place you can be on a ship that's really cool real far from the action yeah if we ever attack

maryland i guess he's just right there this guy's gonna kick my. I need to cut that joke out. In the Navy, we have this thing called duty. He's just dumbing it down for us. Yeah, I know. Which for my ship means that about once a week, me and the other people in my duty section are stuck on the ship for at least 24 hours in case of fires and for security reasons. That includes some watch...

Security reasons? In Virginia? I think the ship's fine. He's gonna kick my ass too. I just wanted us to be in it together. We're in this together now. That includes some watches where we get fully armed with guns and bulletproof vests and shit. Wow. Yeah, it seems excessive

but go on. A little over a month ago, this girl in my duty section who I've been half-heartedly flirting with, pulled me aside and asked me to help her with something. Whoa. This takes me to another sex dream I had, actually. Yeah, dude. Would love to watch this on Snap.

Fucking bawl my eyes out. The fucking admiral. I thought I was going to be something work-related, I thought it was going to be something work-related, but she led me to this small office in the back of the ship that her division owns, and asked me to give her a massage. Nice. She said that

the vests were fucking up her back. Nice. That she really needed some relief. Oh, really? Nice. So far She really needed some relief. Oh, really? Nice. So far, this is a porn. Not sure why, but I gave her a massage and we started talking. She opened up about her life and shit.

Can you believe it? Not sure why. No idea why I did it aside from she asked. Now I know her fucking aspirations. This sort of, however, became a regular thing where now every duty day, once everyone not on duty leaves, she'll ask me for a massage

and we'll talk or listen to music or watch shows on her phone. Sorry, they're supposed to be guarding the ship. They have guns and bulletproof vests. Just in case there's a fire. Anyway, we're going to watch The Office and I'll rub your

lumbar. You're Dundar. She started leaning back during the massages and laying on my chest or hugging my arm while we watch shows. She started leaning back during the massages and laying on my chest. We're hugging my arm while we watch shows. And up till now, we're kind of just full-blown cuddle at work.

Yesterday, she even fell asleep with her head on my lap. Wow, you're supposed to be guarding this shit. Nice. Let's get this guy dishonorably discharged. I have proof, Your Honor. I have his email address. We were attacked that day. His name is General Clinton. What are you doing to me?

How am I being arrested for this? The problem is this shit's weird, right? Like casual cuddling? Is that even a thing? My reasoning right now is that I'm fine with casual sex, and this isn't that different, but this feels like a surefire way for someone to catch feelings. Plus, the fact that she's actively going on dates and shit with guys

makes this seem even weirder for me. She's not in anything serious by any means, but it still feels wrong, and we don't really talk outside the ship, and I don't really know if we should, since, again, I'm not at all looking for a relationship. So any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, y'all. General cleanliness.

Congratulations. Thank you to general cleanliness. Yeah. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace shit gets weird at sea you know um i for one call for a military tribunal what yeah there's no way. Yeah, I think so. I can't believe you would do that.

I think so. I think we have to convene a fucking military tribunal. You're gonna mutiny. Yeah. It's a coup. Ultimately. It's a coup d'etat.

And you got this guy dishonorably discharged from serving for what? Cuddling a woman while they watch The Office instead of being on active duty? He's getting voluntarily cucked on this ship.

He is. It's not illegal. His whole courtroom is out of order. They're in love. No. Obviously. No. You don't cuddle with just a any friend that that means something especially the head falling asleep on the lap yeah that's comfort that's comfort but she's dating other guys and the massage massage you can't massage and not you know something that rhymes with massage falling in love yeah lavage exactly. Exactly right. I don't know why he's denying feelings.

Maybe he's afraid of getting hurt, unfortunately. He's half-heartedly flirting. Yeah. He's like, she's fucking talking to me about her life and shit. Whatever. I should go to bed, okay? What did your dad do or some shit? Oh, the ship's on fire, but it's in water.

It'll put itself out. Oh, it's Chris Redd. Oh, my ship's on fire, but it's in water. It'll put itself out. Oh, it's Chris Redd. Oh, my God. Good man. Great man. We would have introduced you. Wow. Hey.

Wow. That's a cool move. Walking on stage with a chair. He had something to say about this lady. I didn't trust it at all. The chair? No, the stage manager was like, just walk out there with a chair.

And I was like, she also gave me some fishy advice earlier. So I didn't know if it was me or just sort of the status quo for the theater here. No, I think they just real, you know. They're chill. They're like, yo, we chill as fuck. Grab a chair, go on stage. She should come out too. Don't get any ideas, you guys. just real, you know. They're chill. They like, yo, we chill as fuck. Grab a chick, go on stage.

She should come out too. Don't get any ideas, you guys. She's actually very nice. Yeah, no, I'll kick you. Air Canada's trash, dog. Yeah. Yo, like, fuck them niggas, bro. Hey, they got a three-year-old baby operating the bridge.

You know, the bridge that you get off the airplane. This nigga's just... Like, nigga, practice at home. Bitch, will you find somebody that can do this? It took us a while to get off the plane, and then there was a long line that we fortunately didn't have to stay in. Maybe you did have to stay in that long line. Why did you have to... Oh, I caught every long line.

I think it was to connect to different flights. But it was like, it seemed like a four and a half mile long flight. What time was your flight supposed to land? Oh, oh, 345. Okay. That's not bad. I just got here, nigga. I'm not supposed to be wearing the long chain here.

This is not a comedy chain. I don't know. That's a good chain. That's just the travel chain? Yeah. No, this is because I was rapping before comedy, so I'm living my rapper dream. That's really cool.

I have a Casio, so that's kind of like... I like that. It's almost casino. Thanks, man. Did you bring your bags here? You came straight from the airport? Yeah, well, there's a white man in a car that got my bags. Yeah, the Lyft is still running.

Yeah, he's cool. Just keep the meter running. I'll be on stage in like four minutes. His name is Tim. He looks like an Alex Stowe, and I don't know how to settle that in my mind. Is it Tim Horton? Is it Tim Horton? No, it's not Tim Horton, man.

That's a place. All right. I thought times were tougher, Timmy Hoes. I don't know if you heard, but this guy was giving someone a massage on a naval ship. Huh. I don't think he did. You ever give someone a massage

and you're just friends or it's always a little bit extra? Oh, have I ever given a massage to a friend on a naval ship? Well, it doesn't have to be a naval ship.

It could be a different kind of ship, a yacht. Oh, and this is a friend I'm not fucking? Yeah, not fucking friend. This is a casual friend with shoulder. Casual massage

and she's dating somebody else or other people, multiple people. Oh, no. I tend to agree. Yeah. I kind of feel like that's the advice. Yeah. It's a sound and a word.

It's all no. I'm sorry. So you want a naval ship? This isn't me. This is somebody else. I honestly think it's Jake. I really did. Because the whole me. This is somebody else. I honestly think it's Jake. I really did. Because the whole email read like your fucking handwriting.

It read like your handwriting. It was one massage. And it meant nothing to me. Bulletproof vests, on duty slash deck massages. Yeah. Hanging out. He doesn't want to catch feels. I fear he already did.

Catch feels. He doesn't want to catch feels. I fear he already did. Catch feels. He doesn't want to catch feels? Feelings, yeah. Oh, the shoulder bone going to do it? Yeah, I think he's sort of treading lightly, afraid that he'll fall in love with this lady or that she's going to fall in love with him. That's crazy because anybody of my size,

I already knew I felt something for. That's right. It's not like I was like, oh, I don't like you at all. Let me just rub your shoulders real fast. Yeah, it's hard to hate. Oh, I felt something full. That's right. It's not like I was like, oh, I don't like you at all. Let me just rub your shoulders real fast. Yeah, it's hard to hate. Oh, I do like you. Let's see where this goes.

I hope no we're romantic. Right. I love with my palms, baby. I love with my palms. That's stupid. Do you guys ever get, you guys ever get professional massages? All the time.

Really? I only, let's go to you. I've only gotten one. You've only gotten one massage? Yeah. And I don't know how professional it was. Naval ship. I'm telling

you, this guy. There's an officer on deck. You want to know if I wrote the question? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. How are your massages? You're pro-massage then if you've gotten multiple. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm always traveling and touring and shit.

And I was like, you know, now I've been touring for 14 years and I only made money for three of them. So I've been treating myself. Like I get nicer hotels. I get massages when my shit hurts. You know what I mean? And yeah, it's good. I like it. Are you going to get one here?

Oh. Because I can do it. We just go to my base. Yeah. No. On the ship. Okay. It's not romantic.

I'm sorry, you have a base, nigga? Do you live here? I am docked nearby. All right. This guy's in too deep. Let's ask this next person who has a question. And it's actually kind of tangentially related i think this is from a lady um no sorry this is from another dude chris we need to give this dude

a fake name basically just any name really it could be any name that we can call this guy because we don't want to blow up his spot okay p man that's really good as in peas, black eyed peas, not P as in urine. Oh, okay. So get your mind out of the gutters, guys. Yeah, man. Y'all are gross. Disgusting. Anyway, pee pee man writes. Yes. That's two P's.

Second P stands for pee pee. You ever had PP&Ps? Ooh. I just had to. Anyway. Should we say your credits? We didn't say you're on SNL or anything like that. Nah, no.

I'm, I'm. Okay. That's all right. Also, also in Lonely and Horny. I don't know if you guys saw that. That's right, yes. Yeah. These guys gave me my first job,

and I had to be on set pretending I wasn't broke. You know what I mean? I think we were all doing that. I think Lorne saw that and was like, holy shit, who's that guy? Yeah, they were like, yo, get the lonely and horny dude. Yes. I think that's why he was cast five years after being in it.

Probably, because it's a long process. He also wanted me to grow, you know, emotionally. Oh, smart. Yeah. That's because it's a long process. He also wanted me to grow emotionally. Oh, smart. Yeah. That's why I'll never be there. Alright, PPman writes, my problem is understandable to be sure, but causes me off and on passionate love slash

heart-wrenching pain, so I'd love for you guys to weigh in. Nigga, that's how you start this? Off and on heart-wrenching pain. About a week ago, my girlfriend of almost four years and I broke up. This guy writes in a very peculiar way, and I

can't grammatically put my finger on it. He writes like he's inside of a sitcom. It was stuck forever. It was mutual. Blah, blah, blah. Doesn't matter. We still live together. Terrible, but not the issue. Why you say blah, blah, blah, doesn't matter. We still live together. Terrible, but not the issue. Why you say blah, blah, blah, nigga? Just don't say it.

Blah, blah, blah, we live together, it's terrible, but that's not the issue. That's not what he's writing in about? No, that insane scenario is not what he's writing in about. No. That man debates the mirror more often than not. My concern is with a petite little vixen that I gave my heart in a gift-wrapped

box. I'm so glad this woman left this man so she wouldn't get murdered. Well, she still might. I've loved women my whole life. I've never called a woman a vixen. That's insane. Hey, my vixen. I gave you my heart

in a box, and I need it back back I work from home And this girl is my co-worker All the way on the east coast I'm in the midwest Shout out to Chicago What started out as a friendly messaging Quickly went from a virtual

Happy hour getting to know each other And finally last night Getting drunk on FaceTime, naked and anything but afraid. Oh, God. I hate this man with all my heart. Oh, I hate how he tells stories. I'm naked on FaceTime.

Nigga, you in your house by yourself. You're not brave well his ex-girlfriend is living with him that's kind of yeah he is living with his ex it's kind of a baller move

she's just in the background eating cereal me and Amir love this guy he's our hero he was naked she was not they were on FaceTime that's right

tight virtual background he's in prison she's like put on some clothes Virtual background. He's in prison. She's like, put on some clothes. Like, no, you vixen. Everyone can see you. Sorry, I'll let you finish reading this, man.

Honestly, I was going to be a pimp and just use her for attention. Oh. But I'm too sensitive for that shit. And I care about her deeply by now. Also, she has a long-term Navy hero boyfriend. So his first reason was because he was going to be a pimp. Where? In Narnia, nigga? Not the boyfriend,

not the naval boyfriend you were massaging on the ship? I had nothing to do with that guy. Different guy, I think, but hope not. It's possible. I don't judge. The guy I massaged on the boat.

What do I do? Should I cut this cheating she-witch out of my life? Cheating? Should I just say, screw it and get a plane ticket for a weekend fuck fest? Is it possible to ride the line

and not get any more attached but still have fun with this sexy secret? I'm clueless and a big fan of you guys. Thanks a bunch. Love, P-Man. Let's give it up for P-Man. This man got more nicknames for his girl than P. Diddy has for himself.

He had a drunken, naked FaceTime over Zoom with a co-worker that he's never met before. He lives with his girlfriend, ex-girlfriend. At the time. Ex-girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. And she has a boyfriend in the Navy who I think has to do weekly little trips slash trysts to massage style. I'm sort of weaving it all together

into one mega story even though it might not be. I'm just trying to figure out how this isn't elegant harassment. How is it elegant? Just by the way he's typing. He's he's trying it's he's trying to be elegant he is not it's prosy for sure yeah yeah he's trying to he says that he's a sensitive guy so he doesn't want to just my blissful vixen i'm sorry no please no i had nothing to do but

troll this man but i would like to his multiple choices are all bad. He ended with three options. One of them is... A weekend fuck fest. A weekend fuck fest. That's the only one I remember. What were the other two? The other one was continue to ride the wave. Yeah.

Which I think is the same option. Yeah. And the third one was walking to the sea. Oh. Well, actually, I don't remember that one. And then the Navy

rescues him. And then they have a heart-to-heart. You know what I mean? Yeah, the boyfriend has to give him mouth-to-mouth or something.

It seems like a sticky situation. I'm afraid that this whole relationship is fraught. I mean, it's a co-worker. He's still living with an ex.

She still has a boy. Yeah, he should go outside and meet people. Interesting. Yeah, not to mention the whole long distance thing I'm not a fan of. Yeah, that's just the fourth most annoying thing, the reason that it's not going to work out between the two. Or he could fly there and have a real conversation

and then leave it where it is. Interesting. Very interesting. If he's a pimp. I want it to be a pimp and use her for attention. But damn this heart. I know pimps with families, nigga. What are you talking about?

But how are their hearts? Golden, golden hearts of gold, these pimps. Too sensitive. I'm sorry. I think this guy should just sort of. He should move out. That's for sure. You don't want to live with an ex.

Have you ever broken up with someone that you live with and then it just carries on like that? No. That question would involve my life being way better too soon. I didn't live with people. I just crashed on couches I see And when you do that You don't have real rights in the house

No Quick You leave quick Yeah you ever bring a girl home When you live on the couch No no not the room Or that one either No we just watching

We're there We're just watching a movie Like let's take it to the bedroom We already there shorty strap in this seat tastes like butt why are you licking it that's weird anyway bark a lounger is that what that was that's just every every chair i've known it just kind of wobbles a little yeah i thought that was you on air canada the business class oh no there's no there's no seat i just do that which oh i see it's an ab exercise

yeah you're pantomiming for her uh all right here's another question um this guy seems to be in a marriage that well you'll see that's called called a teaser or cliffhanger. Oh! Sort of keeps the people interested so they want to hear about the questions. That's crazy. That's like watching a movie and seeing the trailer right as it starts.

Director's commentary during the show. You in the hat, why don't you give this guy... Jesus, man. Get out of here! But as you leave, give us a name. A gif that we can use while

you're gone. Do you have a generalt? Gerald, but it's with a T instead of a D at the end. Geralt of Rivia. Like the Witcher? Or do you... Geralt with a softer G.

You do have to leave. Hey, man, any name that makes me feel like I misspelled it every time. That's unfortunate, yeah. Geralt. I usually don't ask for advice because I can handle my own sticky situations. Wow.

Yeah, I generally lead a drama and sucka free life. Did he say sucka with the A? It's with an A. Oh, shit. I really feel like this situation is gonna be insane. Yeah, it's gonna be sucka filled,

I bet. Having said that, I'm in a sticky situation that requires your advice. I'm in my late 20s and i've been married for half a decade whoa she's my high school sweetheart oh we've yes that's right oh my god is right uh we've been going through some rough waters lately and we haven't spoken face to face in a week do it now do they live on a boat did we say that this guy's in the Navy? He mentions it later. It's mainly my fault. She feels that I don't give her attention.

I will admit, I come home sometimes late after drinking with buddies. I would invite her, but she's a Buzz Killington McGee. She's a Buzz Kill? Buzz Killington McGee. It's sort of similar. A Buzz Killington McGee. It's sort of similar. A Buzz Killington McGee? Yes. So you know this guy's hilarious and she

yeah, it can be weird. His next line is she says things that make my friends look at each other awkwardly. Kind of like what he just did with Buzz Killington McGee. Yeah. Except I looked at y'all and then the black community. Since she has a few friends who she can go out with,

sometimes she tags along. The current week of silence started with her not coming home at all for three days. Oh. I think she was house-sitting for her parents, but I don't even know for sure. I texted her asking if she was okay, but I only got a short answer.

Yeah, you? I think this is drama- filled. Yeah, man. This seems like drama to the gills. She's home now, but there's an awkward silence, of course. Thankfully, we have different work schedules and I sleep while she's at work. Thankfully?

Thankfully, we haven't been able to talk about it. I don't think I want to have kids with someone that will just ignore problems and let them build up. He just shot the kids. The person he's talking about is himself. I don't give her any grief when she comes home late, although it's less frequent.

Is this thing over? What would you do if you were I? Love, Gerald with a T at the end. Let's give it up for Gerald. He's going through. Yeah. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. I just feel bad this guy's married to such a wet blanket. Yeah. Buzz Killington McGee. I mean, damn. I don't know, man. Oh, really? Seems like she's giving this nigga several, several warnings.

And outs, really. She's not coming home for three days at a time. Well, that's her fed up and like, well, fine, I'm going to go out. Yeah, exactly. And everybody who dates women know they can do whatever you're trying to do better than you. Yeah. More slicker than you. You know what I'm going to go out. Yeah, exactly. And everybody who dates women know they can do whatever you're trying to do better than you. Yeah. More slicker than you. You know what I'm saying?

He should chill out and hug her. This might be, that's actually really good advice because she'd be like, oh, oh my God, what's going on? He'd be like attention I wonder if this is a problem with the Marrying your high school sweetheart at age 23 And then realizing at age 29 That that might not have been the best idea Well my parents were high school sweethearts And I mean My dad really married up

Yeah so Beard hair My mom's like way hotter than my dad Cooler than him What an interesting childhood. Yeah, for sure. Did he have like a glow up since where it's like now he's the... He had a glow down.

Whoa. Interesting. He dimmed. My dad is a dimmer switch. In high school when they were starting. In high school he was a troll and he's since become a treasure troll. Hey, that's good. That's good to see trolls on their feet. is starting to... In high school, he was a troll and he's since become a treasure troll. Hey, that's good. Oh, but like smaller...

Bejeweled, for sure. Yeah. So just shinier now, but ultimately still a bad guy. He was a gourd, now he's a peanut, is what I would... Interesting. He went from a pumpkin to a legume. He was a Brazil nut, now he's an almond.

He's one almond. My dad is one almond And your mom? Smoke Show Dime Saint Hot and nice, you think So hot And a 10 10, perfect 10 Chris, have you met Jake's parents?

I forgot to ask. Nah, man, but I'm really looking forward to being your mama. She's at the show. I travel with her. Mommy. Did you have any high school sweethearts at your school that just ended up getting married at age 20 and you're like, whoa, we're still in college and now they're together?

No, I was chasing, I was a failed rapper in high school, so that's not like That was your vibe. That doesn't bring in the women, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, specifically. I still got them.

Do you remember any of your lyrics from high school? Oh, I mean, yeah, a lot of them. And none of them at the same time. Can I hear one bar? Will you perform? Perform? It has to be from a song.

Or rap. I just had to remember this for something else. But I gave the first line of my 10-year-old rap, this rap I wrote when I was 10 years old. Oh, wow. It goes, I love you, you love me, I killed Barney with an M16, rat, cat, cat, cat, cat, clean your own room, bitch. That was the first.

I was very angry at Barney, man. I feel like a famous rap song would sample Barney in 2002 or something. I don't know how they haven't. Yeah. Especially in the purple era. I actually...

You did high school rapping as well for your Jewish middle school. Did you do high school rapping as well? I didn't do a high school rap but i remember when i was in elementary school i think i told this story on the show once where i my i was like eight and my oldest brother was 16 and had friends over at my parents house while they were away and i'm like upstairs playing whatever super mario 3 i like, I just came up with a rap. I have to go down there and get a glass of water and just fucking say this line.

Because I have a really strong inclination that a 16-year-old girl would be like, whoa. Who invited this awesome 8-year-old? And the line, I don't know the full line, but the rhyming part was, my dad's an ob-gyn is the backstory so the line i had in my head as an eight-year-old is my dad's a gyno you're a rhino which wasn't an insult at the time nor since but i'm like shit, I just came up with that rhyme and an insult. So I'm just like downstairs,

they're all drinking beer, doing cool teenager stuff, and I'm just like eight years old and I'll be like, my dad's a gyno. You're a rhino. Looking around. I got head that night, Chris. No, you didn't. Did you really?

Everything except for the blowjob part was right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. Oh, good Lord. Hey, man. Hey, I'm glad you shared that personal story, though. I'm sorry I did, too. No, man, being a kid and trying to perform for girls was, like, fucking nerve-wracking.

I did it before. I didn't rap. I mean, I did rap to several girls but it went well um but i tried to sing tevin campbell's uh can i talk to you to a to a girl that came over my house after church that i had a crush on and we were playing mario kart and then and then i was like hey i got something to show you. She's like, okay. Never broke. Rainbow road. Yeah, sorry. Just try to avoid the banana fields, though. And I was like, have you heard Tevin Campbell's Can I Talk To You?

And she's like, yeah. And I was like, have you heard it like this? And then I pushed the tape and it didn't work right away. Of course. So I was just like, oh, then it started playing and then so i went into and i'm just doing moves yeah how old are you oh man smooth nine or shiny nine yeah either nine or eleven one of those two uh definitely not ten definitely not ten no no this wouldn't have happened yeah i wasn't fucking with it happened. Yeah, I wasn't fucking with... It was definitely 11, because I wasn't fucking with girls until 10.

That's right. I was like, hey, ooh, hey. At the end of 10, until 11, I'm like, boobies. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I finished performing, and she was like, so you want to come play now? Sorry, because it's battle mode, and I'm down to one balloon. And I took the blazer off I had on, and I just sat there like, I didn't follow up, nigga.

I wasn't smooth. I was 11 years old. I was like, you want a Pop-Tart? She's like, yeah. I'm like, yeah, she's mine. I should have opened with Pop-Tarts. Idiot. Fuck.

Okay, I've completely lost train of thought. This man needs a divorce. Yeah. Yeah. divorce. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He had so much confidence at the top of it. I think he's the bad guy. I think he's the

problem. Oh, he is the problem for sure. And she's probably cheating already. I think he's already gotten a divorce by the time this email came in. He hits send and she's like, it's over between us. Three days. She was gone for three days. Are you okay? I'm amazing. Never better, you.

Or he could probably just take her on a nice little trip and they can have a heart-to-heart, see where they are as people because they have evolved maybe five or six times since high school. You know what I'm saying? A reasonable decision, but he won't do that.

No, God, no. A trip with a performance where she divorces him. That's cool. Yeah. Would be perfect. Ideal.

But yeah, any separation we'll do at this point. All right. We got one last question about Broadway drama. That's it? Yeah. Broadway drama? Broadway drama.

Jake, what about you? You have a Broadway-themed name for this guy? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Little Orphan fucking Annie. You thought that I couldn't think of a Broadway show? No. Oklahoma!

Oklahoma's another one. Yeah. Little Orphan Annie, who's a guy, writes... Fine, Daddy fucking Warbucks. That's good, Daddy Warbucks. I'm facing a personal dilemma that I think both of you might be able to provide some help with. My girlfriend and I live in New York. Right off the bat.

Hell yeah. We knew that one of us about Broadway, right? I play guitars for a couple of shows on Broadway, and she's an actress. She's an absolute dime piece. Excuse me. Wait, is he writing this from the 90s? Yeah. Dime piece?

This is an old email, but not 90s old. She's an absolute dime piece who I fell in love with all my heart and want to marry someday. Here is where the problem begins. As very talented and beautiful actresses Often do She is cast in roles where she has to Kiss another man on stage during the show So hot

This is obviously just part of the job And because I also work in theater I can wrap my head around it more than someone who doesn't Haha The issue for me The issue for me In The issue for me. In a past serious relationship, I was cheated on multiple times,

gaslit, and ultimately very hurt. Yeah. Because of this. In the Navy. Because of this, I can't help but get scared. I'm going to be cheated on every single time she has to kiss someone new, no matter how much I trust her

She knows of my history and knows what I truly believe she is doing nothing wrong by this by being This being part of her job How do I not let fear get in the way of being hurt again while she is kissing hot actors on stage each and every night Your wisdom you can provide would be great. you so much love well first of all daddy war bucks first of all daddy war bucks just like american airlines nigga check your baggage don't nice don't bring your baggage into a new situation dog your ex she was a she was an asshole she acted like an asshole because she is your current i don't know why i call her current your current is acting nigga so know the difference do you have you smooched you're on stage and screen

at this point and anything there chemistry wise or it doesn't mean anything it depends on who you're talking about right yeah i mean there's chemistry and shit but like you you know, going there like, yeah, later I'm gonna fuck. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I don't do that. Can you ask them? We've seen history that has happened. That's right. Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie. Yeah, but it's also uncomfortable, man. You're like, you're, it's a thousand

motherfuckers in a room, you know what I'm saying? It's not about the kiss. It's about the rehearsal. Oh, I see. It's about the after the show. It's about the bonding. She's definitely gonna. It's about the after the show. Oh, interesting. It's about the bonding. She's definitely going to fuck the guy. Yeah. She might be fucking the stage manager or the director. Anyone but you is what I'm saying.

Because he's in a guitar in a pit off the side of the stage. Yeah. What are you? Fucking riffing? Tomorrow, tomorrow. Dude, you're nothing. Dude, you're nothing. Dude, you're nothing. Oh, wow.

That was awesome. I never thought you'd be that cool. What's hotter? Kissing Broadway style but like 400 times in a year or doing like one sex scene in a movie? What's more dangerous to fall in love with someone? Because Broadway kisses are very superficial, but you're right. You have to do it every

single night. I think filming something is more intimate. Because you have to literally pantomime. Yeah, man. My shit was in a bag. I did a sex scene. They just put this bag over my shit, and it was like, and I was like, okay.

That shit's mad mad intimate dog in front of a bunch of people with cameras and shit and just one dude picking his nose and it was weird sorry about that yeah i was like turn around he was like no and that was it this is awesome chris um i had to get naked and lonely and horny but it wasn't for a sexy and it was for vr porn yeah you were jerking a flashlight, you were fucking a flashlight. Yeah, I was fucking a flashlight, so it did feel less hot because I was sort of being embarrassed. You were fully nude that day.

They gave Amir what was called a modesty sock. A cock sock. Which is just kind of putting your nuts into a little Easter egg basket. It's the equivalent of wearing a condom. It's almost worse than being naked. Your nuts wore out most of the day. Yes. It's almost worse than being naked. Your nuts wore out most of the day.

Yes, my balls were exposed on the day. It's like a dick bindle. Yes, exactly. Without the stick bindle. Your dick is the stick. The stick is the bindle and the dick. It doesn't work that well. Yeah, and it's all weird because, again, you have to pantomime something very meaningful and real,

and there's a guy being like, action, cut. So it doesn't mean that much. But at the same time, if you were holding a guitar watching your girlfriend do it, seven nights, eight nights a week, however much it works on Broadway, it starts to wear on you like slow water torture. Especially if, like Chris is saying,

the guy has baggage to begin with. Yeah. I mean, it just sounds like his baggage and some insecurities you put in check. But if they're in the same place and they have a connection, they can talk about it. It shouldn't be a fucking problem. Do you feel like when I said you're nothing to him that it was bad for the whole baggage? He was like, you're right. Yeah.

He turned the show off then. Yeah, that was probably not the best day for his ego. But he'll be all right, I hope. I don't know. He'll always have his guitar. Yeah. This is him sort of, what's that movie where he's holding a fucking boombox and he's- Oh, Say Anything? Oh, Say Anything?

Yeah, Say Anything, but she's having sex with a guy, and he's playing an electric guitar that's not plugged into any amp. But he didn't say there's any connection with the two actors and shit, right? No, not necessarily. I mean, sometimes there is. Sometimes fake feelings lead to real ones. But I think you were right about him being sort of letting the past relationships influence his future relationships. It's unfortunate.

Yeah, that fight is not going to go well. Yes, exactly. I need you to stop kissing your coworkers when you're supposed to kiss. Yeah. The thing to do in this situation is always, as I say, just preemptively cheat. Interesting. How does that work? Because, well, how could your heart be broken if you did the breaking of it?

Interesting. So you beat her to the punch. Yeah. So you, you know, the show's going on. Yeah. They're doing whatever other famous Annie song. It's a hard knock life. Yep.

For us. And he comes on guitar for you, and then he dips one of the other little orphans. What? Play a child actor? No, no, no. It's played by an adult or something. No, I really don't think so.

Yeah, it is. What about another musician in the pit? It has to happen on stage. Yeah, no, my boy should piggybacking on your logic my boy my boy in rehearsals okay the man should bring his guitar with a chick willing to kiss him that's cool and then while they read in lines yeah he's just like wow how that feel you know what i mean that's good and she's like this is a rehearsal you brought you hired i guess somebody off craigslist to kiss you.

I mean, they're sex workers, not on Craigslist. And I'm not shaming them. Let the record show. You also said the kissing a child actor thing. No, that was Jake. No, it was not. That's not a turdy. That is a turdy.

The first live turdy. My God. Sorry. There's an award for shittiness in podcasting that we give out during the show. You give out. You've given out every award on this show. I've gotten a turdy, which is a piece of shit on a plaque. And Jake wins an award every episode.

There's also one called the Golden Mike, and that's for excellence in podcasting. Yeah. So this episode, it's always up for grabs equally. This episode you just earned the turdy by talking about child molestation which is frankly uncouth. Oh shit. Uncalled for. The golden mic will be shared

by me and Chris Redd. Of course. For the preemptive cheating advice that you failed to think of. Hey, you turdy McGee. See how dumb that sounds? Chris, what other shows are you doing here? Where can people watch more of you live?

Man, I wish I knew. It's on the website. It's on the website. I'm sorry. I really am not trying to be funny about it. I just got here and I haven't looked at the schedule at all. I mean, you landed four minutes ago. Find Chris in the Air Canada lounge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be performing there. I'll be performing Angry Motherfucker, Tired of This Shit. It's a monologue. No, I think, but all my shows are at 9.30 and midnight about every day this week. And I have one at midnight tonight. Yeah. Jake and I have one tomorrow at 1 in the afternoon.

Is that prime comedy time, would you say? Hell, man. You want people to just sort of be eating a sandwich during your set, right? Yeah, I want somebody to be like, do I want pancakes or do I want chicken? You know what I mean? Yeah. After the show, I might get a coffee. I like when a crowd is walking out of a dark room into blinding fucking sunlight and realizing there's so much day left.

I mean, you've done stand-up for 14 years. I'm sure you've had an insane time and location, right? Does anything pop out to you? Yeah. I mean, the first five years, but one that sticks out specifically was like my second year touring doing stand up. And no one knew who the fuck I was. So I was doing a show in San Diego. I had never been to San Diego.

I had never heard of me. I thought you were going to say. Like, who the fuck is that? Looking in a mirror. Yeah, like Chris Redd. I thought I was going next. But it was San Diego. It was called the American Comedy Company.

It was the club. I walk in and it was six motherfuckers for the whole show. I had no opener because why would I have one? And it was me and these six motherfuckers. And when I tell you we're still Facebook friends,

I got to know they whole life, man. Still Facebook friends. They always hit me up. You still doing shows? Bitch, this is my career. But they saw me when it could go either way. You know what I'm saying? Either he's going to be real good at this

or he's going to be in Burger King. Holy shit. All right, so you guys can see Chris Redd and I guess us tomorrow at 1.30 in the afternoon. But thank you guys so much for coming to this show specifically. It's been a while. Thank you. Thank y'all for having me.

All right. Thanks so much, everybody. And thanks again to Chris. Goodbye. Thank y'all for having me. All right. Thanks so much, everybody. And thanks again to Chris. Goodbye. Goodbye. That was a Hiddem original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen.

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