Segments - 554: Wisdom

Episode Date: August 22, 2022

In this episode we try to lightning round answer as many questions as possible about marriage, finances, finger sandwiches, and Australia. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money get the five dollar meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only i've never done an std test I cut my teeth on random names from the TV And I'm not proud of my first time Was it so messed up?

If I were you, I'd tell us And everybody's like Girlfriends, boyfriends, girlfriends of their best friend Pets, ex-parents, schools, they send them in. And Jake and her may just bully them. A lot of people aren't loyal. Loyal.

So many questions about cheating. Just cause Amira's a new man doesn't mean you go and fuck your girlfriend's mom. Seriously. Like why? If I were you. I wouldn't do that i wouldn't do that at all whoa lo-fi lord that was not lord writing in really it was really

jordy jordy mcgrath from bris vegas australia bris vegas good stuff god on your mate i feel Australia. Bras Vegas. Good stuff. Good on you, mate. I feel like we haven't been to Brisbane in a while, right? How long has it been? Yeah, geez. I feel like we went there in 2016, and that was it. I don't know if I've been back. Yeah. It might have been 17, huh?

I'm trying to remember if I went back there or not. I don't think I did. You definitely didn't go back. Well, actually, I just realized I might have been even earlier. 2014, we were in BrisVegas. Really? Because we went back in 2016 or 2017, but we didn't go to Brisbane. Wow.

I actually fully do not remember going to Australiaralia twice you're saying we went to australia twice you don't remember that we went back to australia no i thought we've only done one tour with streeter we did two tours with streeter and the first time we did five shows that's the trip i remember yeah the first time we did yeah we did adelaide melbourne sydney brisbane then perth yeah we went and then we went home okay you don't that's what you remember that's the yeah that's the one i remember what happened in the second one the second one i believe we only did two shows i think think we only did Melbourne and Sydney. And then we were going to go to Byron Bay, but it was really rainy. So we went to Queenstown, New Zealand,

which is another place we've been to twice. And I don't know if you remember that. Yeah, I remember going with Mitzi doing the world's largest swing. Yeah. And you don't remember going to Queenstown, New Zealand with Street or Sidell? Yeah, I guess we did go there twice. In my mind, it's all one epic trip. Yeah, no. So maybe I have been to Brisbane twice.

No, I'm telling you, you've only been there once. Because we only went there once. But we've been to Australia twice. That's really cool. What's your problem? What's your problem, man? I don't have a problem. You have some kind of degenerative cognitive disease, I think.

I think you have Alzheimer's. You do have cog fog. this is a real issue you don't remember two weeks of your life in a foreign country that's well i do remember because it all just like it we did a show for 800 people yeah i remember that of course no you don't remember that of course you remembered it one time of course and the second time you can't recall yeah and both times we just did a podcast in the same venue it was a different venue one time was the rock venue the other time was the old theater and then in melbourne same venue or different no it was two different venues in melbourne sydney we did um we did the same venue both times it was the the metro yeah how did we how was the second show it wasn't as major as our first one the second the first time was like lightning in a bottle

we were touring with the free ship men we had shrimpy vanessa was there um you were single we were meeting up with people we were partying um the second time it was just me, you, and Streeter. More of a business excursion. No shrimpy. No free shit, man. No shrimpy. No shrimpy, man. No shellfish that trip. We did two shows. I don't even know if we sold out the Metro the second time.

I think we sold it out the first time and maybe the second time too, but it took longer or something. And both good shows. We didn't get as trashed though we didn't party as hard and then we went and had a relaxing time in queenstown we didn't do the shoeies right we didn't do the shoes the second actually i think i might have done the the second time as really hold on one second because i'm going to pull up oh yeah i did i did the shoei the second time really this okay we have a video how'd you find that so quickly that's the second time yeah that's the second time do you see the date here i'm holding up to the screen yeah uh so if you're watching this on youtube you can see jake recording on his zoom

what is the date march march 17th 2017 that's right and the time before that was like two or three years earlier yeah the the anathem theater in uh in Damn. Well, thank you so much for coming to those memorable shows. I'll never forget those shows as long as I live. You're a dick. It's funny because you actually blacked out at the first Sydney show, so you're the one who shouldn't remember both shows. I don't remember the second half of the Sydney show. I think everybody made me chug a whiskey they sang that

song i chugged a whiskey and i kicked the bottle into the audience and i don't know what happened the second half of the show or the second half of the night i believe i took molly in sydney and then i took sydney and mo, which is what I call Melbourne. Yeah. Oh, my God. What a time. What a time that was. All right.

We got some lightning round questions for this episode. We're trying to speed through as many quick hits as humanly possible. This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted still by us. That's correct. That's right i was thinking when we retire we can just give the show to someone so the show lives on but different hosts right and it'll be the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us and that theme still works yeah exactly that intro is perfect um okay if you oh here we go first question if you could have if you could choose two people writes maddie eat world to cover your show for a month who would

you choose oh that's a good way to dip our toes in that water so it's a semi-retirement we can sort of see how it does and if the ratings are even better we can start transitioning completely away um it's interesting i guess who are the people i trust to do it let's go ahead and say gabrus and betsy sudaro really so two very funny friends of ours hosting our show for us for a month at least yeah great improvisers they're the same age as us roughly so i feel like that kind of like you know it won't get it the show won't get too young it won't start to alienate the fans that have been around for a long time all right i'll go jeff and riley because they are younger they have more of a pulse of like what a 25 to 30 year old is up to which is our ages ish when we started the show right let me counter that and it's i'm gonna poke a hole basically because there's there's an there's something wrong with

mine as well which is just that jeff and riley already have a podcast sure betsy and gabriel at least don't already have an existing podcast you can't really get their dynamic and unless they're guesting on each other's shows that's true at the same time i think it'd be more by the same token bring new people in bring two people that don't have a podcast at all matt damon and ben affleck really also two i guess literally anybody yeah and then they can have famous people on the show like j-lo could do a fucking theme song what if we even just did like, cause I feel like people pay attention to whatever fucking Elon Musk says and does. So we go.

Musk and Bezos. I would also do Musk and Gabrus cause that's funny, but I feel like. Would they do their own ad rate if they're billionaires? There's a world where Bezos and Sedaro could do it. Cause that would be fun. Betsy Bezos. Betsy Bezos and Sedaro could do it. Oh, that's cool. Because that would be fun. Betsy Bezos. Betsy Bezos.

I love that for us, for our podcast. They probably wouldn't need to do the Patreon either because one of them's nearly a trillionaire. I didn't realize Betsy had that much money. No, Bezos. That's nuts. Oh, Jeff. Yeah.

Jeffrey James Bezos. no bezos that's nuts oh jeff yeah jeffrey james bezos jeffrey james bezos has billions um what is uh full incense ass what is the subject of the worst argument slash biggest fight you have ever had with each other who i don't know can you think of our biggest fight well there was the time where you pantsed me and i punched you back a lot in the street yeah uh that was a big argument though it wasn't an argument but i it was a very uh physical moment where i snapped i uh yeah lost my cool and i lost my shmool i killed you i completely beat the shit out of me and left me for dead in west hollywood oh man that was you tried to curb stop me me for dead in West Hollywood. Oh, man. That was good. You tried to curb stop me.

Marty pulled your head away at the last second. I guess that was like the most heated it ever got between us. Yeah. As for specific fighting, I don't remember an argument. There's got to be something. A disagreement. Yeah. The only things I can think of, though, were like, I guess maybe, I feel like I just remember a situation where, like, we were mad at college humor, but I was more mad than you.

And I feel like that's what the subject is. like we were mad at college humor, but I was more mad than you. And I feel like that's, that's where like, that's what the subject is. We're like, sometimes like say when they, do you remember when they fired us and wanted to half our salaries? Uh huh.

That sounds familiar. And I was like, fuck this. I want to quit. Like, let's quit. And I wanted you you to like stand up for us with me join me in this big fuck you but you were rational and you were like they give us health insurance yeah plus half our salary that's better than zero of each right so we'll do a little less work and then um i feel like we ended up meeting somewhere in the middle. But at the same time, that was probably like the most heat. It wasn't even like we were directly mad at each other, but just like a contentious situation where we had a disagreement.

Yeah, a moment. We need to do like amazing race style, stressful situations. That way we can get into more arguments with one another. Yeah. I wonder if we would ever get into arguments, though, if we were in stressful situations. Or if we would just, I feel like we would both just give up. Us arguing is just like a breakdown and nothing happens. We're like, I'm not going to deal with this. Right. We're not hard-headed.

We're two soft-headed people. Yeah. We're both conflict-a averse and we don't like drama so if it seems like it's heading in that direction i feel like both of us are just like uh let's let's bail have you gotten into a situation like that with other people like yelling and drama yeah the most i get is just like feeling like i need to be very direct um in an email or something i feel like it got that way with like contractors at my house yeah a very stern tone here it comes yeah just like aloof this you're going to like me when I'm glib. Yeah. Yeah. I'm setting a deadline.

Yeah. How's that? It's like the Hulk, but instead of going crazy, you're just sort of terse. Yeah. Yeah. And me being angry is everyone else's normal. Because usually I'm effusive and very, very polite. So like, I'm just, oh, wow, I'm not going to use an exclamation point.

And I'm not going to have a friendly greeting. How's that? Yeah. You wouldn't like me when I'm sort of short with you. So instead of the Incredible Hulk, you're just the Incredible Sulk. And you get kind of sad at a person. Ooh, the Incredible Sulk is good. Yeah, you get kind of really small do you ever play

the game the video game rampage where you're like godzilla or king kong and you're like eating buildings and punching down or eating people and punching down buildings i feel like i've seen people play that game yeah well after you die you turn into a person so like you go from godzilla to a little man and that's sort of you. And you get angry. You just shrink. That's your incredible sulk moment. The incredible sulk.

Um, here's a quickie. Yeah. Rachel plan asks, what app does Jake use to edit his Instagram posts? I need to know. I'm a VSCO girl. I pay, I think it's $19 a year.

Maybe up to $29. But yeah, I like the VSCO filters. Those are my shit. I'm usually in the vibrant folder, the the c3 the c7 sometimes the c1 interesting those are my presets i use after light and i don't have a hydro flask yeah after light is the poor man's in phone editing app it's no visco it's really no visco it doesn't have after light uh visco also has like um like a um a remove button which is really nice for unsightly things in your photos you know somebody if i like a vista but then you know somebody's

walking in the background i can actually remove a person with the tap of the finger. How does it know to remove that? What does it replace it with? It replaces it with kind of like an amalgamation of things that are... It's almost like the blur tool on Instagram. Yeah. Or on Photoshop, yeah. Wow.

Have you done that? Have you used that before? Yes, I have. I have. And I'm not going to tell you on which photos because then you might notice yeah did you use it to remove your dick because i see on a lot of these photos you have a a little mangina vagina i'm serious in this one from uh italy you must have accidentally misco deleted your cock oh that's really much i have a fucking hog i have a tank okay i have a fucking pringles can of a cock and you have nothing under the tank you have nothing under the tank. You have nothing under the hood. All right, bro? I'll whip my cock out right now and show you a fucking... No, don't do that.

Oh, shit. You see this? Bottom of the screen right there. That is a Pringle. That's how you brought it up. I have a Pringle can and you have a single Pringle. You have a mustache, man. It's your pinky.

I can see uh good stuff for those watching shout out to you guys watching yeah shout out to the youtube the youtube crew tube uh all right let's take a break thank some sponsors and come back with more questions and answers after this thank Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoffoff then you should play

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Any good ones in your Twitter feed? I've got one. Okay. Step Ladder. Step Ladder writes, goat age to get married. Wow. Goat age? That's a good question mid 30s late 30s yeah i think it's early 30s to be honest oh really i i got married at 33 but i think the goat age might be 32, but it also could be 34.

And I'll tell you why. I think if you're 20s, it's nice to have relationships that fail. So you're learning. Sampler platters. Exactly. So are you getting a fucking call right now? Yeah, I got a potential spam,

if you can believe it i'd really appreciate a little respect for me when i'm talking about the goat age to get married yeah it doesn't really matter also you could have breezed by it i'd like to see you do the same courtesy for me as I do for you. Don't sip your coffee. Don't sip your coffee. It's done. It's done. No way.

You're getting the dregs of the coffee. There's nothing but melted ice down there. Why don't you pay attention to me? Because you're hearing something you don't want to hear. You're hearing something you don't want to hear. And you decide that you're going to distract yourself with the taste of sweet cream. So this doesn't sting as much as it should. So you don't learn your lesson.

This is actually Oatly. So it's more of an oat based creamer. Sorry. Sorry. I didn't realize it was Oatly. That's okay. Recall happening. So I'm sort of taking a risk.

Very interesting. Anyway, the goat age to get married is the exact age you were, you were saying? No, I wasn't. I said 32 or 34. You obviously don't listen.

You obviously don't care. And you obviously don't know. Well, you don't want to know why the goat age is 32. Okay. Why? Um, I was just sort of... No reason.

I'm just spitballing here. You said 32 or 34. I think relationships are supposed to fail in your 20s. And I know some people stay together through those uh learning moments but i do think that like you're learning relationships in your 20s uh and i think that 30s is where you start to come into your own a little bit uh you become the final version of yourself yeah but then if you're single in your 30s i don't think i would like rush to get married because i do think that there's something to feeling more sure of yourself and confident in who you are while still being single.

But anyway, yeah, I think 30s is a nice time to settle down because you're mostly hanging out with fully formed adults at that point, hopefully. Yeah, hopefully. Hopefully hopefully it's not all the time not every time um here's a question wait what do you think the goatee to get married is oh i would say mid to late 30s so you're still experiencing your 30s a little bit before tying the knot so you're 39 and you're not married that's right i have four months to elope that's amazing to abscond with avital to aruba come back as a couple for once amazing uh qwerty asks let's talk money doesn't amir have an econ degree i don't uh what's your percent of net worth in cash versus the market what's amir's lifetime betting losses and winnings

what's jeff's salary and do you have any other financial advice wow relationship advice is so 2015 now all we want to hear about is cash that's his tweet that's fascinating i like that i don't i feel like i'm smarter at relationships than i am about cash though i have invested wisely mostly by accident or at jill's behest oh interesting um like i bought my house in la early for me like i don't know if i would have like just bought a house then but right jill was like oh we like you should buy a house you have this money you should buy a house and then i did and it ended up being a really good thing that I did. Real estate has gone up. Yeah.

I don't know if that's my advice because that's not my advice. That's just basically me admitting that I'm not qualified to give it. But I will say, I will say something I learned early on, Freudian slip, very nice, is to diversify so having as many little streams of income so you're not super reliant on one or putting your money in

lots of different places so if something goes awry you weren't completely ruined so that's right if you can afford stocks, real estate, um, some little things here and there, whatever, uh, what, I mean, even if you're putting all of your money in the stock market, just not buying all one stock, that's obvious or it should be. Right. Cause then if that one goes down, your whole net worth goes down. Exactly. What's your, um, financial advice? Some people have told me that in your 20s and like even early in your 30s that you should like almost have all of your money in investments, like only have like 5% of everything you own, like just in cash in a

checking account. Everything else should be fluctuating up and down with the market. That's interesting. I mean, I don't think I didn't have any money until I was 27 or 28. I was living hand to mouth. But as soon as you have savings, you should be, I guess, investing that money. Nothing you're saving should be sitting in a savings account. It should be in the market. Yeah, exactly.

I actually think the first person that gave me stock tips was you. Me? I believe when I first signed up for Schwab, I think I did it with you and I just bought all the same stocks that you had. Oh, interesting. I remember also learning early on that there are no stock experts, that people who get paid to become money managers are just as randomly good or bad as just having a mouse pick the stocks. You should just buy big companies that you happen to believe in,

like Nike or Netflix or whatever right i did and i that's that is what i did and all of those went up over time and i right i i also feel like warren buffett has said that like nothing is smarter than just investing in like the s&p 500 if you're putting your money into the stock market yeah just like smattered across 500 large companies that eventually will go up over time. Right, and it might go down, but you're not touching that money because you're young. Exactly.

You want to only invest what you're willing to not touch for a while, not money that you need to double in a year or two. Exactly, exactly. do you see this one where it's what do you call these finger sandwiches or party sandwiches and they're like very uh neatly cut egg salad sandwiches no but you know those those sandwiches that are like almost like kit kat size they They're so tall and thin. They're sliced crustless, and they sometimes have egg salads, and they're on a platter at a party.

Do you call those finger sandwiches or party sandwiches? Oh, I guess I'd probably call them finger sandwiches. Yeah, me too. I've never heard of party sandwiches. Because to me, a party like a that's like a six foot sub right i feel like those things are are like british like high tea shit yeah like i've never had anything called a finger sandwich but if i saw that i i've also never had that so i'd be like that looks like a finger sandwich party sandwich that's a six foot hokey

it's it's low-key high tea the ones in this interesting one look like half egg salad half tuna so it's got like it's a double decker so that seems exceptionally british or canadian even yeah french canada probably what are you saying okay uh two okay this is this is a good one i think ryan curtis asks is there a world where head gum buys college humor whoa um i don't think so. Amazing. Yeah. Do you think we could? Well, Sam runs College Humor now, so we'd have to make a deal with Sam Reich, so that would be kind of fun. But we don't need video content.

We need podcasting content. Well, actually, all of our podcasts are moving to video, so we do need video content. That's cool. All right, cool. Well, i'm on it okay amir obviously doesn't give a shit um two snake four legs asks you're going back in time to blow history's mind with modern music but you can only bring three albums what do you take weezer's Blue Album, Live Throwing Copper,

and Blues Traveler 4 is the name of the album. Those are the first three albums I bought, and I'm going to blow history's mind with, Our love is like water, beaten down and abused for being strange immediately burned at the stake for being a witch i should have brought the beatles i should have brought the beatles you travel back in time and you're you're trying to show them music and inventions and then they just find out that you had a time machine and you're burned for being a witch see you're trying to show them music and inventions and then they just find out that you had a time machine and you're burned for being rich.

See, you're already thinking like a college humor owner. That's true. That's working. What's your three apples? The state, dude ranch, and take off your pants and jacket. All blink because I feel like i want to be consistent as an artist and i wouldn't need any other albums because i know every beatle song so i feel like i can just hum they do don't make me bad don't make it take your dad's song take a sad song make it better bring it because you don't

know the words your throat is closing at the thought of singing nervous to sing live more of a song writer than a song singer oh yeah how is your uh punk band going how is fate on shuffle doing great we're mastering our second single right now. It'll actually probably be dropping next week. So it could be out by the time this episode drops. It very well will be. I like to try to coordinate the drops of the episode with us promoting it on pod. But who cares?

Maybe we'll just drop it. Maybe we'll just drop it maybe we'll just drop it why not what's this one called it's called it's either called all year or called um down and out or it might be called all year parentheses down and out um it's about being afraid to smoke it's well it's your idea you should be really happy you should be really happy this song is my idea or the band is the song didn't you write one didn't you say that we should write one about being afraid to smoke weed no i thought mine was wet dreams dry days well that's the one where you came up with the actual lyric you also told me to write one about being afraid of smoking weed which i like a guy's nervous to try weed or like you don't know where

to smoke it because you're in high school nervous to try it that's funny a song called nervous to try it nervous to try it uh yeah that lyric is not in there but that's pretty good yeah there's There's a song called Nervous to Try It. Nervous to Try It. Yeah, that lyric is not in there, but that's pretty good. Yeah, there's never really a song about being nervous or apprehensive or stressed out, is there? 2020, 24 hours ago, I want to be sedated. That one's kind of about having a breakdown. He's nervous, but on the surface, he looks calm and ready to drop bombs. But he keeps on forgetting.

That song is about puking you're so nervous. Yeah. He literally has his mother's spaghetti all over his fucking favorite sweater. Which he shouldn't have worn to a... Yeah, he shouldn't have wore that to a rap battle. Imagine a rap battle where you're just rapping

and you're just like covered in puke your mother's spaghetti all down the front of your shirt it's disgusting marshall at least at least take your sweater off and wear just a t wearing a fucking cashmere blue sweater to a rap battle there's no way you just finished a lasagna take some take a beat before heading your force you're burning the candle at both ends rabbit yeah rabbit good stuff uh Here's one from Jono. Jono writes, HeadGum Formula One podcast when?

I'd love to listen to Jake, Marika, and Jeff. Hell, even old Blumenfeld. Wax Motorsport. Whoa. I don't know anything. I didn't watch the documentary yet. Well, I think you actually have time now because at the time of recording this episode, it's August 3rd. It's kind of like the mid-season break.

Next month, I believe we are going to drop a Formula One podcast for the second half of the season. Whoa. Okay. Yeah. So it is happening. Me, Mariko, Pyle, Casey. Pyle's in. Pyle is happening. Me, Mariko, Pyle, Casey. Pyle's in. Pyle is in. All of the, I think it's going to be like the HeadGum podcast,

except instead of just like talking about Formula One while Jeff like looks for his notes and which weird game we're going to play, we're actually just going to talk about Formula One. Because there's a lot of exciting stuff happening on and off the track. What's exciting happening off the track um so one of the an old like great goat type driver sebastian vettel just announced his retirement um then there's another kind of like old goat on the team in Formula One.

And they announced I think a day or two after Sebastian Vettel announced his retirement, Fernando Alonso announced that he was leaving his team Alpine and going to drive for Aston Martin

where Vettel was driving. Alpine had no idea that he was leaving. And then there's a young Australian driver who like Alpine has kind of been like grooming in their Formula 2 races. They announce that he's coming up and going to take Fernando Alonso's seat. And then Piastri tweets, I don't know what they're talking about. I haven't signed a contract and I will not be driving for Alpine

next year. And like it seems like Alonso waited until the day after Piastri's contract expired to announce this. So basically, it seems like maybe to fuck over Alpine. And then as they're trying to get in touch with him,

he was on a yacht in Ibiza or something like that. So, yeah, that's what you can expect from the pod. There's a lot of drama. Only other people will be understanding what he's saying. Yeah, exactly. Okay, let's take a break, come back, and answer more lightning round cues after these. Love it.

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easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we are back. Here's a question about Jake and Amir episodes. Okay. Are all of the episodes that are shot in hotel rooms because you guys needed content when you were away for the holidays?

Or did you genuinely record some because you wanted the setting of a hotel room? I think we almost never recorded one out of necessity because we were traveling. I think, yeah, unless it's one that we shot ourselves it was too much it would have been too much effort to bring like the whole film crew to a hotel i think it probably came up because we would do we were traveling together all the time and we would do bits in hotel rooms and on planes and like in transit so then um then we we thought that like we would um we'd bring those to life i do remember they're probably more like the episode like we want i think we wrote one in a hotel room but the hotel was so expensive that we needed to shoot two there so the quick cuts of us on a trip that was shot in lower Manhattan.

You're like ordering room service. It's like telling the concierge to put the spaghetti in their ass. Yeah, shove it up your ass. And we needed to have a second one. So I think that was when we wrote the lights out where it's basically in the dark the entire time. But then there was one where we were in Vegas and we just shot like a random blackjack video in a hotel because we were in a hotel, not hotel specific. Yeah. Maybe it's a little bit of both. We were there covering two months, two million.

But that wasn't like, oh, we're out of town and we need to shoot a video. That was more like we're in Vegas, so wouldn't it be cool to shoot a video? Sometimes that happened, where we were somewhere for a show or somewhere for an event, and then we'd be like, this is a good place for a video. Right. Kind of related, Asher writes, what do you do to kick writer's block's ass

when you're feeling uninspired, but you know you've got to make something? I think, I don't know. I definitely get writer's block. Usually I pace, I get up and I need to move. I think sitting there waiting for writer's block to clear is something that I can't do.

So like if creativity is not coming to me and say, I'm at the office, I'll ride my bike home. And sometimes just not staring at whatever I have to do. I'll like, something will click as I'm writing. Or I'll go to the bathroom. Yeah, I'll go to the bathroom and be like, I do my best thinking on the toilet.

Whether that's true or not, it sort of convinces me that I do have to, at the very least, use the bathroom, get out of the room, and maybe I can think of something there. Yeah. Yeah. And definitely one thing not to do, and I do this sometimes too, is be like, I need some time away from this idea. You go on a walk and then you start looking at your phone, start doing something else, distracting yourself. Never come back. And you need a phone-free moment after. Yeah. That's why bike riding is good for me because I can't use my phone. My brain unlocks. Monkey U5 asks, have you ever gotten out of a ticket because the cop was a fan no definitely not i got a speeding ticket in the rv on the way to la when we were shooting the rv

episodes yeah that was so intense what did you do to make that guy so mad i can't remember he really i think we like you yeah because we didn't rent the rv or something so it's like let me see Yeah, that was so intense. What did you do to make that guy so mad? I can't remember. He really hated you. Yeah, because we didn't rent the RV or something. So it's like, let me see the paperwork. I'm like, somebody else rented this car and that raised the red flag for him. Yeah. Yeah, he was very mad.

But we did get the ticket. We didn't talk our way out of it. And the guy was not a fan definitely yeah definitely um roman madeline asks would you rather get bitten by a shark and live or strike struck by lightning and live what's a cooler story um i feel like shark, because I feel like people can kind of lie about getting struck by lightning. Shark, you'd have a scar or a missing limb, and that's kind of like. Yeah. I feel like I've just met people who have gotten struck by lightning, and they just seem a little weird. You just don't believe them.

It does something to your brain cells. Yeah. Yeah. I've never met anyone that had gotten bitten by a shark. But the beaches were closed out in Rockaway last week because of sharks. Wow. I did surf on Sunday. You still went?

Yeah, when they were back open, I did. You were like, I'm not afraid of that shit yeah i'm not afraid i did then i keep on touching my head because yeah not but well i got stung by a jellyfish when i was in italy i talked about that already right i wiped out on my board and it hit me in the head uh-huh like it flew up in the air and landed on my head as i popped out of the water and i have like a scab in the center of my head here oh wow like blood came out i kept on looking at it and at the moment blood was not coming out but later i like saw that it was almost like a skinned knee or something. Just like a bloody scrape. On your head.

On my head. It feels like there's like an indent and a scab right there. Like a full-on indent in my head. Jesus. Yeah. So sharks aren't the dangerous thing at the beach. You are. That's the lesson there.

You're talking to a boogie boarder trying to give me a parking ticket um okay proto tom another would you rather would you rather be killed by an axe murderer or a sledgehammer murderer both take two hits to finish the job uh i guess axe sounds like more quick and sharp and instant yeah yeah i feel like i've been knocked on the head you know by a surfboard obviously um yeah i've been hit with blunt things in the head more, and I know what that feels like, and I wouldn't look forward to it. I wouldn't look forward to getting murdered by the axe either,

but at least that would be something new. At least for one swipe, because by the second one, you're dead. Yeah. How many games of Settlers of Catan have you won in your lifetime ass reggie tsunami do you hear that knocking on the door yeah my dog's desperately trying to get in i feel like i should let him in luke wants to answer this question

he's legitimately knocking like a human boy sauntering in like he's mad it took him that long jesus the knocking for like an hour when you first got luke were you like excited to have a dog or were you nervous you're like i don't know if i really want a dog i don't really like dogs that's right didn't want a dog didn't and now looking forward to it now he's my sort of boss slash uncle slash best friend boy so he's like in charge do you love him with all your heart yeah i'm a full-on i'm all in i'm committed and he brings me he's a joy boys how i call him so he brings me joy and he's a boy yeah that's right so like when luke is what's the thing that luke does that makes you the happiest um maybe when he lays down next to me and then like lays on his back and he sort of

looks me in the eyes in a way that connotes, you should rub my belly. And then I obviously do rub his belly and then he looks very sweet. Take photos of him, send it to anybody who wants to see a belly picture. Here's one from earlier today. Sort of in a sweater. Happy about it. That's good.

Yeah. Here's one of him looking drunk because he's sort of passed out. He's very cute. Yeah. Never played Catan. No. Yes, you have. Really? Yeah. Never played Catan no yes you have really yeah never played katan wow you'd be good at it i feel like when i i feel like anytime you go upstate someone has katan or there's katan there

i've played i see with family upstate with friends upstate are you good is it a fun game it's a fun game because it's like you can take it really seriously and it's kind of like a bit for me to be like a hard-nosed negotiator so when things are going really well i'm uh i'm like an evil dictator type of guy you know using my leverage to to hammer people into the ground and when things are going bad i think it's funny too because you know i'm just a humble uh brick farmer i'm a i'm a shepherd i have sheep and stuff so yeah it's one of those games where it's fun if you're yeah it's fun if you're losing and it's fun if you're winning that's good i like i lean into the role play negotiation aspect of it one last question about questions amazing oh filet asks do you think you've gotten

wiser with time answering people's questions huh w with, in a very narrow field, I think I have gotten wiser. I've gotten a lot of insight into how people view themselves and their significant others in relationships. And I feel like that perspective of being self-aware and looking at the bigger picture and trying to understand other people's points of view has helped me as a moderator in giving advice to friends and family when they're upset, when they're in arguments, when things aren't going great. Yeah. I feel like it's the opposite. I think you've gotten worse really i thought you were gonna say like you got like you weren't getting the same thing that i've got but you're sort of just like the question i disagree with you i feel like i have do you

feel like you got wiser and i said yes and you said you haven't i feel like that's not answering the question i guess okay technically i've gotten wiser uh in comparison there you go now you answered the question and that was perfect yeah and it was only basically mediation and my coaching. I was there already. Yeah. You are nothing without me. You're nothing without me. You are. You're nothing without me.

You're garbage without me. You couldn't do it alone, but I could do it by myself because I'm the only one that matters to the show. That's a golden mic for me. That's a turdy for your ass. Thank you so much for tuning in, everybody. This is If I Were You. Rate, review, subscribe.

Check us out on Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. That opening theme song was whatever. The closing one is going to be the same one on the way out. Fuck, what else? An axe comes in and slices your head in half find me on twitter i'm joe rogan fanboy 69 same on tiktok same on instagram joe rogan fanboy 69 let's see if that's a name. Nope. Still available if anyone wants. Really?

Wow. That's awesome. Alright. Thank you to all who tweeted their Q's for us. We did our best to QA them all. We sure did. We sure did. And yes, like Jake said, there's more of us answering more questions, doing Jake and Amir trivia,

watching Jake and Amir videos, all on our Patreon. Patreon.com. Damn right. And send in those theme songs. We need more theme songs, so now's the chance. And if we've never played yours, maybe nudge it to the top. Let's hear it again.

Just bump that email. Bump up the jam. Bump it up. All right, one last time. From Jordy in Briz Vegas. Briz Vegas, that's right. One last time. From Geordie in Briz, Vegas. This is the Lorde-based theme song. And we'll see you guys next week. Bye. Thank you.

Bye. I've never done an STD test. I cut my teeth on random names from the TV And I'm not proud of my first time Was it so messed up? If I were you, I'd tell us And everybody's like Girlfriends, boyfriends, girlfriends of their best friend

Pet sex, parents, Tinder Tinder schools They send them in And Jake and her May just bully them A lot of people aren't loyal So many questions about Cheating Just cause Amir is a new man Doesn't mean you go and fuck

Your girlfriend's mum Seriously If I were you I wouldn't do that That was a Hidgum Original girlfriend's mom. Seriously. Why would you? Like why? If I were you. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that at all. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me

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