Segments - 555: Egg Tweet

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

In this episode we discuss wet dreams, dry coworkers, and bible study. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Hello I've been in line so long

To meet you And now The moment's finally come to shake both their hands. I'm the biggest fan of yours. It goes on for another minute. Right. I didn't think you could keep that up. The energy it drained.

Yeah. That drained me for the day. Right. Your fake guitar solo. I don't know how musicians do it, man. I really don't. I really, really don't get it. Yeah.

You see someone like Chris Martin from Coldplay in concert and for him to do that night after night it doesn't add up they have a passion for the music I did 40 seconds of a fucking if you're watching on video you saw to cap it all off though you are also you are a weak minded

embodied individual what Chris Martin does is impressive, but what you did was so unimpressive. The chasm between the two things is very, very wide. Okay. That was an ever long parody.

Parody. Yeah. Called Ever Wrong. Yeah. By Lorne Mintz. Lorne Mintz. Lorne Mintz. Yeah, he's been submitting some songs that we've been using for the past couple of years. Right on.

That was just the most recent sample slash, actually, example. Thank you. Is sample short for example? Well, like for sample. For example. I don't. I never even thought about that. Yeah, example.

But definitely. Here's a sample. Definitely. I mean. I don't. I never even thought about that. Yeah. But definitely. Here's a sample. Definitely. I mean, I don't. No, I don't think it's. Definitely it is. Maybe it's from the same like root word or something. Ample.

Yeah. Oh, it could actually be short for ample. Ample is a lot and then there's a sample. Yeah. So we have an ample amount of things. Or some. Here's a sample. Yeah. Some of that ample's a sample yeah so we have an ample amount of things right or some yeah some some of that ample yeah for example because the first one's about eggs eggs yeah yeah an egg

sample for example is an ample or a sample of eggs yeah a sample of what was it again because i thought of it i thought of it what was it a sample of ample eggs a sample of ample eggs is an egg sandwich. Making it a little worse, I guess. I'm going to write that down just so I don't forget it. I feel like I borderline don't even know it now. Yeah. I also take issue with you saying you came up with it. A sample of ample eggs is an egg sandwich.

Egg sandwich is what you said. What are you thinking for this tweet if I fire it off? And by the way, we are live. We're doing this in the same studio, so you can watch this in real time. Yeah. Can it be punched up at all? A sample of ample eggs, dot, dot, dot, is an egg sample. Can we get the tweet on the board so we have a live feed of how it's doing?

Oh, that's interesting. And then we can set an over-under so I can be like 31 and a half by the end of the episode. Right, 31 and a half. Do you think it'll do better or worse than that? Yeah, you think 31 and a half, that's retweets? No, likes. 31 likes, I think it'll do better than 31 likes. It won't because it doesn't make sense to read it.

Yeah, that's right. Do you think this formatting is good or? A sample of ample eggs is an egg. I thought it. I don't think that formatting is correct. Would you write is an egg sample or as an example? Egg sample, EG. Like eggs. Oh yeah, E-G is for example.

Yes, that's. Wait, what? Oh, E-G. Yeah. Right. But I was thinking egg sample was E-G-G-S-A-M-P. Oh, you wouldn't write example as is. I think I would do for example. For example. A sample

of ample eggs is an eggs sample, e.g. We're losing the forest from the eggs. Casey loves it. Yeah, because he was here for the whole fucking journey. If you read this blind, it's nothing to have it that way. Did you already tweet it? No, I'm sort of editing it still. All right.

I could put it on the board if you want. Okay, so once it's posted, you can find it online, and we could put it on the board like a telethon, but nobody's watching this live, so we won't be able to encourage feedback. A sample of ample eggs. It's not even true. A sample of ample eggs is not an example. It just sounds like you're saying eggs. It's not even true. A sample of ample eggs is not an egg sample.

It just sounds like you're saying egg sample. I would say, for example. But for example is a weird way to start it. An ample sample of eggs is an eggs sample. I thought it was a sample of ample eggs. Okay. A sample. I thought it was a sample of ample eggs. Okay. A sample? God,

this keyboard is just such a different size. There might be a typo in this. Is that fine? No! Might be. This is a tweet. You can edit it. You can cut before posting. Okay. For example, a sample of ample eggs

is an egg-sample. Spelled like eggs. I would not even write for example, because it sort of... Well, it kind of sets up the cadence. For example, a sample of ample eggs is an egg-sample. E-G at the end?

No. E-G at the top? No, E-G means for example. Right, that's why it's funny that it's also an egg! You tweet this one, I'll tweet my version. We'll see which one does better. I can't. I haven't tweeted in years. I can't

fire off the swimmer's ear. I don't want to break the internet like that. Alright, I'm just going to go back to the way it was, which was sort of simple. No, it's terrible. Yeah, too simple. You need to make it a little complicated. A sample of ample eggs is an example.

I'm not even going to have, it's just going to be one sentence all the way through. A sample of ample eggs is an example. All right. Tweeting it. Is it egg sample, E-G-G, or is it example? Example. The word example. I don't like it.

We go on. E-G-G or is it example? Example, the word example. I don't like it. We go on. E-G. That's why it's called E-G. Okay. I'll dust off an old Twitter, a burner Twitter. Wow. I will say so far, nothing's brewing. Right.

So you have tweeted it. Tweeted it. Okay. So Casey, can we get it on the board? If you're watching on YouTube, you can see. Yeah. Do you want it the whole time? Yeah.

We'll just have it up there so we can sort of occasionally peer up. Check in on it. But now we got our first like. I'm going to go on the under now. Yeah. Because I don't like the way it's worded. And I think if I had done it my wording, I would have gone on the over of 100. Well, you would have ended it with EG. We're at

two likes. We really got to get it on the board. It updates live. How exciting. But work on it faster, Casey! This is the most important thing. You're working on it. Well, have it have been worked on. Okay? Because if it was worked out,

you'd be up on the board. You didn't even like the tweet. Oh, something's happening. Jake's yelling somehow worked. Wow. I shouldn't have learned that lesson.

Oh. Wow. People can really see how the sausage is made. EG. Oh, it's so small here. I'm working on it.

It's very, it's even painting on the side. Live TV of Bob Ross painting. There it is. Okay, now it's about to get big. Nice is an example. There's no way. There's no way it does well on the day.

Although, Casey's in there. Oh, did Casey like it? He must have. He had to have. I don't like it right now. Wow. We left four people. Very exciting. We did get one comment so far.

Casey, if you'll refresh, you'll see it. It's kind of interesting. Wake meme up weighs in with what question mark that's good which is fair but we are up to five five likes so far alright good start Casey if you can control plus oh my god we're at seven Casey I don't know what you did

I think you can get bigger really well I don't know if it'll work on the TV yeah it's just working on your TV right now. Yeah. That makes sense. All right, cool.

This is perfect. This is better than... Oh, wait, here we go. Oh, my God, we're big. We are savage. Show me eight. Ten! It's viral.

It's absolutely viral. Yes! Viral. It's absolutely viral. Yes. God, dude, imagine if you had done my wording, the correct wording. An egg salad sample. For example. A sample of ample eggs is an egg-sample. It doesn't get, oh get oh shit you know what there was a fucking shooting so we're all talking about that it's ruining all of these i'm getting ratioed everyone's quote tweeting it

and saying why would you tweet this during such a sad moment in human history right now it's hard not to just you know keep on lucky yeah i keep on lucky yeah um Right. Now it's hard not to just, you know. Keep on looking. Yeah, keep on looking. But it's important that we sort of still plow forward.

There's still more comedy to be gleaned, ascertained, and had. We're at 11! No, we're not. We're not. It's only 10.

All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. We're back, baby.

We're in the same studio in LA. That's correct. On the day. Yep. So you can watch this on our YouTube channel or you can just continue listening as one does. Do you watch any podcasts as a video or are you mostly still an audio kind of guy? Yeah, no, I don't.

Just all audio. Most of my podcast consumption is while I'm driving or commuting somewhere. So... Right. When your hands are busy. Yeah. A lot of people like to keep it on and like on their computer in the background.

Yeah. I can't... I... My brother does that. I can't... I can't focus. I, you know... Right.

You can only do one thing at a time. Words will get jumbled in my brain. And you have to treat the podcast with reverence. Yes. Even cleaning a dish sort of pulls your focus away from the joy of the... Eleven likes! Amazing. It is absolutely...

Let me touch it! It's tapering off though, to be sure. It'd be cool if I can hit this and Casey hits it at the same time. Diggy, can you do that, Casey? Yeah, one second. Let me unlike it. Alright. Okay. Ready? Oh, I actually like this tweet it's a board it's a touch screen board wow let's see who these 11 likes are

everything is big yes even pip a zoo loved it amazing even Snap the Hap and Fat Brat wow alright first question yeah this one's kind of weird it's about a shirt so we'll call this guy Seth Hurt

that's good so his initials are S Hurt. That's good. So his initials are S Hurt. Yeah, like that. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine made it known that he was trying to buy this shirt from Old Navy, but he couldn't find it in his size. There just weren't any mediums to be found in any Old Navy store in New York or otherwise.

This particular shirt has become hard to get because of its popularity in Our Flag Means Death fans community, which I'm a part of, due to the fact that there are oranges on it. It's like a button-up shirt with a bunch of oranges on it. All right. Have you seen that show, Our Flag Means Death, Casey? I know of it. Haven't seen it.

Okay. I guess oranges are a thing, and somebody either wears this shirt or talks about it. All right. either wears this shirt or talks about it. I decided that I would keep an eye out on the Old Navy's website for mediums being restocked cut to a week or so later after checking on a whim, and I find the medium shirts have been available with the warning. Only a few left on the listing. I take a screenshot and send it to my friend and set about ordering the shirt for myself because I was in a buying mood and damn it, yeah, I want the iconic OFMD Old Navy orange shirt too.

So it must be an iconic shirt on the show. As I'm placing my order, my friend sees my messages and tries to get his own, but his phone has connections issues and then by the time he gets there, the mediums are out of stock. Friends, I think there was only one medium and I bought it. The connection issues were probably just Old Navy updating the shirt's stock. It's now a week later, and he's still mentioning that he's checking the website daily. But this is very much a summer shirt, and Old Navy is switching their collection to a fall-focused vibe.

I fear his chances are low. And now for the conundrum. I didn't tell him I ordered the shirt. I let him think it was purely unluck on his part that some other fan must have copped it. Now I'm racked with guilt not knowing what to do. Should I just give it to him? Should I make sure to never wear it in front of him? Should I stuff it into my back closet forever and let it become a secret shame shirt? I would love to know what you would do.

Best. Seth Hurt. And know what you would do. Best. Seth Hurt. And we're at 15 likes. Amazing. Halfway home. I just don't think you can wear that shirt with a clear conscience. Like you won't have a good time in that shirt.

The shirt is supposed to project a fun vibe. You're having a good time. You're carefree, but you won't be carefree if you're worried about your friend seeing the shirt. That's right. The only way that shirt can exist in a carefree environment, yeah, that can't be a shame shirt. You have to bring that to the camera.

It's a shirt with oranges as the pattern, a button-up shirt. It's a pretty good looking shirt yeah totally cool I think that the the gift of giving it to your friend will be really fun he'll be very very happy

because he's still thinking about the shirt he feels like he missed out I mean that's one option the other option is to bury it in your closet and treat it as a shame shirt so nobody gets to wear it that's fine too. He gets to sort of have the power of the shirt without wearing the shirt.

Right. But the friend doesn't get to have the shirt either. No one gets the shirt. No one gets the shirt. And someday your friend might find the shirt in your closet. You'll have to explain what you did. Which is bought the shirt and felt so bad that I hid the shirt. Right.

Felt so bad that you couldn't wear it in front of the friend, but you also didn't feel bad enough to give it to the friend. That's right. I mean, you got a great gift on your hand. If there's a birthday coming up or any occasion, really. I think it's a worthwhile gift. Yeah. Because then you corner yourself into a place where you can't wear the shirt.

Yeah. Could they split the shirt? Two friends, one shirt. Yeah, you could. I did that with my friends in high school. We just were like, what if we all just could wear each other's clothes? We would have like, everyone would have bigger

This was the time when it was like you needed to wear an Abercrombie and Fitch shirt at school to be cool. Like a polo? Yeah. Not a polo, like a t-shirt, a sweater. As long as it said Abercrombie on it, you were good. Or even just an AF. Right, exactly. So people knew that you were

savage AF. Precisely. So I was going to a different school than my friends, and I was like, well, I only have three Abercrombie shirts, but you guys have like three Abercrombie shirts. So like, if we all compile these Abercrombie shirts, they'll think I have like nine shirts. They like if we all compile these Abercrombie shirts. Pull the shirts together. They'll think I have like nine shirts.

They'll think my wardrobe is limitless. Yeah. Did you have that like anxiety in high school that you were wearing the same clothes too much? No. I don't think so. We had like a uniform up until pretty late. Like a private school uniform. Interesting.

Because I rarely deviated or wore anything special. Like I didn't think about fashion at all until later on. I didn't think about fashion, but I thought about like, if I wore this shirt last week, I can't wear it again this week. Yeah, I didn't think about that. Right now I wear the same clothes every day, all the time. You do? Well, I basically wear a white t-shirt every single day.

Yesterday you wore a blue shirt. Yeah, that's rare. But I also wore that shirt the day before. Yeah. Do you have any red shirts. Yeah, that's rare. But I also wore that shirt the day before. Interesting. Yeah. Do you have any red shirts? Yeah, I do. Do you have a black shirt?

Yeah, I do. Green? Yes. So it seems like you have more than just white shirts. I don't wear them all. I wear mostly white shirts. Mostly. them all. I wear mostly white shirts. Mostly. Almost all. By the way, your shirt is pretty red and blue right now, though.

Yeah, this one has a little bit of color on it. Do you have any strictly white shirts? No. I hate wearing white. All right, so give your friend the shirt. I think so. It's a nice Jess shirt to do that. We're up to 18 likes on the tweet.

Amazing. Is there something with Jess shirt? Jess shirt. Jess shirt. Let's delete this tweet. I have an idea. No way. It's not just a shirt.

It's a gesture. You want to get a rival tweet going on. A gesture of a jester shirt. Is a gesture. For example. EG. Oh my God, it hopped up to 20. What is my life?

This show takes place in like the 19th century, doesn't it? Like why is somebody wearing an old Navy orange shirt? I don't feel like they're wearing an old Navy shirt in the show. It must have something to do with oranges. Our flag means I'm going to, I'm going to, maybe let's take a break. I'm going to do some research. We'll come back with the answer to this question. What does this orange shirt have to do with it? Perfect. 21. Amazing. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about uh the ad experience but in order to do that we need

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Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah.

Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

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Yes. The tweet's heating up. There's no two ways about it. This tweet has heat. It's a heat tweet. Hold on to your it. This tweet has heat. It's a heat tweet. Hold on to your seat because this tweet has heat. Let's go. We have up to 23 likes and the responses are just through the roof.

Better prepare the SoundCloud link, Amir, says Ryan Racantor. Because whenever something goes viral, you want to drop that SoundCloud. Baseball Erectus says, good tweet. Good tweet. Amir's tweets explained gives aives a dog looking quizzically. Yeah. Somebody created an account to sort of explain my tweets. This guy is stumped.

Right. Can't figure it out. I like this one. KJ McFlannells. Is this an Eminem lyric? That's really nice. Yeah. Because it does sort of rhyme within the sentence.

And Marshall does sort of do that occasionally. Yep. And what about Sammy? Does not like this tweet. This is polarizing. Sammy says, typically to something like this, I'd say,

hurry man, it's not too late to delete this, but I'm afraid that's not the case here and I'm just really fucking worried. That's pretty good actually. I like that I've cultivated. 24 likes. Wow.

I've cultivated an environment for the trolls to feel at home yeah that's what you want one day I'm gonna die and then just thousands of little cockroaches spilling out of you

what has happened to your shoe these are old old it's covered in holes the mesh gets thinner on the day I play tennis in these What has happened to your shoe? These are old, old Ultraboosts. It's covered in holes. Yeah. Because the mesh gets thinner on the day. I play tennis in these. They get stretched.

I see. At a certain point, the structural integrity of the fabric. You don't have tennis shoes? I don't. You should really have more supportive shoes than that to play tennis. Well, the Ultraboosts are good until they flatten out and wear out. But when I wear new Ultraboosts when I play tennis, it feels very comfortable. I think there's a little too much uh flexibility there oh interesting you want like almost like a basketball shoe yeah exactly you're on hard court yeah i don't want it to get um i

don't want to feel too restricted as well right there's a happy medium don't people say like tennis shoes and sneakers like interchangeably tennis shoes but like you never you rarely play tennis in tennis shoes. I bought a pair of tennis shoes a long time ago, like 10 years ago. Yeah. I think they had a little more structure than a typical sneaker. Yeah. But yeah, you can play tennis in sneakers.

Nearly any shoe. Yeah, pretty much. Okay, here's another question. Okay. 25. I mean, I really like the 31 and a half over under the line that I see. You're definitely going to hit it. We're slowing down for sure.

And zero retweets. Nobody wanted to signal boost it, which I found odd, right? Yeah. Like, why wouldn't anybody want to say? So at the end of the day, this actually might be a pretty poor performing tweet, or is this like... Yeah. If you tweet something and it's got 24, 25 likes in this amount of time, are you encouraged, or is that just normal? That's pretty low.

Pretty low? All right. All right. So you're actually, you're happy that you're going to beat the line that I, you're... But like, only barely. And ultimately it's, yeah. I feel like there's a joke to be made of. That's why they call it EG. Yeah.

I could reply. That's also why it's called EG. I guess that's why they call it window pane. That's why why it's called EG. I guess that's why they call it window pane. That's why they call it EG. Apostrophe for egg sample. You're constantly trying to add that. For egg sample? That's why they call it E.G.

Isn't that what it is? E.G. I think so. Lowercase, right? Yeah. I should have had that in the original tweet. I'm going to reply to this tweet with that. That'll sort of signal boost the original.

And it'll act as a positive. And you don't want to throw in the egg sample at all? Egg sample. That's why they call it e.g. for egg sample parenthesis it means egg sample it would be e.s I thought the tweet was going to be

a sample of ample eggs is an egg sample for example oh that's really good. I have to delete this. What did we write? A sample. Wait, what did you say it was going to be?

A sample of ample eggs is an egg sample for example. That is good. That's why they call it eg i'm tweeting that's why they call it eg we're up to 28 i guess that's why they call it eg leading eggs 29 likepling eggs under the covers. Who sings that song? What is this episode? We're high.

What is this episode? It's because we just recorded. It's because this is the second one we've recorded today. People are going to think that's why they call it EG was like this secret little explainer. But that was just a completely separate joke that we found later. That's what they call a tweet ruiner. You're what my Twitter coach calls a tweet ruiner.

You never feel the urge to tweet a one-liner ever? No. You never come up with jokes that you're like, I wish I had a place for them to be? From my draft a while ago, do you ever drink pre-workout to jerk off? I thought that one was almost good. Pre-workout to jerk off. Yeah. So I almost.

That's really good. I don't have like a Twitter. That would destroy these numbers. I don't have a Twitter like presence. But then you don't have the need to get that off your chest in a way. I guess that's what this podcast is for. Yeah. Feel free to do the jerk off.

It's too blue. Yeah, okay. Unfortunately, it's not right for my brand. I'm more of a wordplay, wordsmith, poet. A slam poet. I'm a slant poet of Harlem. Okay, here we go. Free G.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Roommate dilemma. Okay. Oh, no.

We already answered this one. Yes. Okay. My friend had a sex dream about me. Hot. Call this guy Turtle Todd. T.T. Two coy Jews, one a golden mic god and the other a turdy named Todd.

Yeah, thank you. I write to you with the stickiest situation. I've been hanging out with one of my female friends whose boyfriend moved away lately quite a bit. Typically always in a group, but a couple of one-on-one hangouts. Love that. I've been getting an occasional vibe from her that cultivated in her telling me today that she had a sex dream involving me. I don't want to undermine her relationship, but at the same time, I feel like if they broke up, we could for sure get together, which would obviously be ideal. How do I continue to be cool about the situation? Or should I do something else? Should I stoke the fire and campaign against my buddy, her boyfriend, for selfish intentions?

Oh, it's his buddy? I guess so. Either way, in the coming months, come to a city so nice they named it Rice on the next live tour. I guess this person lives near Rice, Texas. Rice. Yeah. Near Dallas. It's a hub.

Truly yours, Turtle Todd. Turtle Todd, Texas. Rice. Yeah. Near Dallas. It's a hub. Truly yours, Turtle Todd. Turtle Todd, TT. So, it feels like there's not really anything you have to, all of this is happening.

It seems like the wheels are in motion. Yeah. Yeah. For it to happen, just keep on doing what you're doing, which is hanging out

one-on-one and her boyfriend doesn't live there the issue the issue i i think you would have maybe you said something to reciprocate the sex dream like i had a sex dream about you like wow that's awesome i had a sex i had one about you too yeah like that's let's make our dreams come true. You could be. I think you could be like, I also had the same kind. What if you were like, I had the same dream.

I have the same dream. That's good. And then you send her a link to the I have a dream. No, I don't know about that. Unrelated. Yeah. That's not necessary. That's not necessary.

It's actually. It's a little bit offensive. It's in bad taste.. It's in bad taste. And it's in poor form. A lot of, I see this trend sometimes where it's like, I didn't cheat on my girlfriend because we were about to break up. So then I hooked up with this other girl and that sort of incentivized me to end this relationship. It was like the kick in the butt I needed. So there was like a pre-cheat overlapping situation.

Right. How are you already in a relationship? Oh, nothing really happened until. Yeah. This relationship is ending. So I'll cheat to make it 100%. Like now I have to break up with my boyfriend. Otherwise I would cheat on him.

Yeah. So she's sort of trending in that direction where it's like, I'm already emotionally cheating. We're having one-on-one calls. I'm complaining about the boyfriend to this guy that I have a crush on. I mean, if you care at all about your relationship with your buddy, don't do the cheating thing. Yeah, wait till she pulls the trigger. The only way you could even possibly salvage the relationship is for them to break up, and then you can hook up. And then further on down the line, you you can tell your friend that you're dating her if that's what you want.

It's got to be a distance away. Great distance. Unfortunately. It's got to be greater than the distance that they were together almost. Yeah. They're together for three years and then you start dating her three weeks later. That's not going to fly. Does it say three years?

No. But it could be one of those relationships that have lasted too long. Yeah. It's complicated. Basically, what is he asking for? Do I continue to just be cool about it or do I stoke the fire and campaign against my buddy? But he's asked, how do I make this happen? Do I be cool or do I try?

So I think either way, I think it's going Do I be cool or do I try? Yeah. So I think either way, I think it's going to happen either way. He wants it to happen. What I want you to do is think about if you actually want it to happen or if you're just kind of turned on by the whole idea. Yeah. She breaks up with this guy. Would you be excited or would you be like, oh, I don't necessarily want to date you. I just wanted to kiss once. Yeah. It's going to be messy. It's going to be messy at the very least, if you guys, I don't know. So I wouldn't stoke the fire. Keep it a secret, but don't do the cheating thing.

Do it after they break up and keep it a secret. And don't start dating. This one is very, we have a very similar question. Let's see if this has a very similar answer, which is, I'm currently interested in this girl I met at uni. She's funny, sweet, and I feel like I can really be myself around her. That being said, she has a boyfriend. Now this may be me just being lonely and horny, but I see a lot of things she does as signs, like inviting me to go ice skating or going shopping for clothes with her. Today we hung out and she started to talk about maybe breaking up with her boyfriend. This is crazy. It's almost an identical question. Anywho, my question is, do I make her more interested in me romantically

without crossing the line with her arguably expiring relationship? And if she does break up, how long should I wait before making my move? Right. This one is more fair

because you're not friends with the boyfriend. Yeah, this is just a random guy. Yeah. If you're getting invited on the ice skating trips, if you're going shopping, that's also trending towards... I don't know what more you could do to make them try – like to try to break them and their boyfriend up.

Yeah. But I do kind of feel like if you want them to break up, inserting yourself is not a good idea. Yeah. Well, it's – The guy that's like the other guy always has the competitive advantage over the relationship guy because he's just like the platonic ideal of a guy. You don't have to ever like eat food with him. You don't have to introduce him to your family. He's just like he could be whatever you want.

And the more your partner pisses you off, the better that other person seems because that has none of the baggage. There's no complaints about this guy yet. Yet. He's just the other guy. Right. So I think the best thing you can usually be is that idealized version of yourself just existing outside the relationship rather than being like, let's go ice skating again. It's like, yeah, don't be too much. Yeah.

But you don't want to be nothing at all either. Right. You want to just sort of show yourself. You just have to be a source of yes. Positivity and delight. Didn't you have like a some like phrase for this like back in the day? Oh.

Passive persistence. Yeah. You have to be passively there. Persistent but not like blatant about it. Yeah. Just kind of like consistently around. Available. You basically, you can't force anything but not like blatant about it. Yeah, just kind of like consistently around, available. You basically, you can't force anything, but you can just wait in the wings eager. Sort of.

But be cool about it. Any updates about the boys? Oh, I'm not even on any ice skates yet. I would never be on a dating app. That would take me off the market just in case you become suddenly a veil. Oh, but that is interesting. That's playing a very dangerous game though. When you start talking about, oh, I'm dating this other girl.

Right, I'm going on a date tonight. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. Okay, let's take a break. Thanks to sponsors. Come back and answer more questions. 38 likes. We done did it.

A sample of ample eggs is an example. Crazy. I never thought this would be. Imagine if we had done it Casey's way. We'll never know what that's like unless I wait 10 years and tweet it to a completely new set of strangers. Yeah, wait for everyone who's liked this tweet to die. By then that will be be the fucking new pledge of allegiance though it won't be a true in our dystopian society thank you to draft kings for

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and we're back yeah it's crazy to think that we started this episode without this tweet, and I'm going to leave this studio and everything will be different. Yeah. I can never go out to get eggs anymore. Right, exactly. I hope last time you were in a supermarket, you took a mental picture and you locked in that feeling of what it felt like to be able to wander through the aisles anonymous and to not have people turning their heads and saying that's the guy with the tweet because you can't leave do you hear that outside no they're throwing a fucking parade for you they're throwing eggs they're throwing eggs in the studio for you okay they love you you're america's sweet tart

yeah meaning like They love you. You're America's sweet tart. Yeah. Meaning? Like, kind of like a breakfast-based thing. A tart. Yeah, a tart. America's. I'm going to tweet I'm America's sweet tart. Ruin all the goodwill.

The likes on this one goes all the way down to 28. No! God damn it, I lost them. I was a star. Now I'm a tar. Alright, somebody asks us about Bible

study at the office. Nice. Interesting. Let's do it. A 26-year-old civil engineer in Chicago who we'll call Alex Caruso writes, I've got a little bit of a conundrum. I recently started coming back into work and I'm sitting now next to a new

hire. Let's call him Zachariah. Zachariah is fresh out of college and very eager to excel as the gears of capitalism hasn't ground his spirit down yet. He comes in early, stays late, he works through lunch when he's busy. The only issue comes from the latter working through lunch. One of our project managers hosts a Bible study in his free time during his lunch. Weird, but he grabs his own conference room when he's in the office and doesn't bother anyone with it. Okay. Recently, he must've invited Zachariah to attend these Bible studies. The

problem is we have an open office plan and Zachariah has decided to attend these Bible studies at his desk so he can continue to work. Zachariah isn't just listening, but he's also contributing to the conversation about quote,, the Lord and, quote, what Christ intended. I'll be honest, I'm not into the church making its way. I don't like, sorry, I'll be honest, I'm not into the church making its way into my place of work. It's just really unprofessional, in my opinion. My question is basically, how do I tell him he shouldn't be doing his book club at the desk and should find a room elsewhere? Or should I just not say anything since religion is a touchy subject?

You guys are both bosses working with young people fresh out of college. Have you ever had to let anyone know they were being unprofessional? Thanks in advance. P.S. Go Bills. We love Casey's Bible study. Casey has a Bible study. Yeah, and he's at his desk leading a Zoom for two other people who work in New York. Yeah.

And the Lord's just with one earpiece in, yelling into an empty office. And Angie worships the devil. She's a Satanist. Yes. Is that an issue? And shackles a Seventh Day Adventist. An Adventist. Yeah.

I never even considered touching, talking about Bible study as being unprofessional. I don't know if you could talk to someone about that. It'd be so, yeah. If somebody came to us and they were like, oh, we want to use the conference room for like a Bible study. Like there's three other employees that want to do this during our lunch break. Yeah. It'd be weird to say no. Yeah, you couldn't say no, I don't think.

Can't you? I don't think you could say no. They can't use your office for their religious gathering? Well, it's a conference room. It's an empty room. Yeah, but I... You want to say no. I think I would say no.

I think I would say no. I think I would say no. I don't like religion at all. Yeah, but if they were like, we want to meet every day and talk about surfing for an hour over lunch, you would be like, that's okay. Yeah. Because no one's ever gone on a crusade and murdered people who didn't surf. But if they wanted to then talk about Jesus, you would say no bueno. Yeah, because I think that makes people uncomfortable, namely me. But I would not, I would be like, yeah, you guys should do your Bible study.

Like, go out to lunch and do it somewhere. It doesn't have a place in the office. But also, I wouldn't say any of this because I'd be too afraid. And I would be like, why don't you ask Cohen? And then I would tell Cohen this shouldn't happen. Yeah. I would be like, why don't you ask Cohen? And then I would tell Cohen this shouldn't happen. If this were happening for me and I was not a boss, I think I would go to the host of the study and be like, this is happening with the new hire. It's disruptive.

And you don't have to say anything about it's I don't like God. It's like if this dude were doing anything that loud in the middle of the office. They should do it in private. Like how Jews used to play dreidels. Someone's coming. Quick, pretend like we're just reading a book instead of playing a dreidel. I think it was the other way. Right. They invented the dreidel.

They used to read and then say, just kidding, we were playing a game. Now it's the opposite. Let's play a game. And then when the teacher comes, we're all reading. I'll bet there was a bunch of Jews who were just playing dreidel and weren't reading. They weren't actually reading at all. The dreidel wasn't just

a disguise from the book. It was also good to gamble. It's a gambling game. For sure. It's a roulette spitting of all sorts. Yeah, I think I would go to, not to Zachariah

and be like, you have to go to the conference room, but go to the leader of the study and be like, can you tell the people who are taking your study from the open office and contributing

that they should come to the study? Conversations about, quote, the Lord. And what Christ intended. Does that mean he's on a Zoom at his desk and the rest of the Zoom is in the room? This dude is hosting a Bible study in the conference room and is also Zooming for people who are working from home who want to go to it. And Zachariah is like, oh, I don't want to be up from my desk because I want to work really hard, but I do want to go to the Bible study. So I'll do it from out here. Such a specific problem.

That only exists in Rice, Texas. Is this one in Rice? No, this one's in chicago actually interesting liberal city it can happen anywhere i would what if somebody wanted to say grace before lunch i think i would allow grace before lunch a grace period yeah grace i like saying grace because you're just thanking yeah you man upstairs it's about being present in the moment and being grateful

I think if you know maybe if they every single time were like and blessed Jesus for what he's yeah I think that's what grace is

it's thanking God yeah but then you know you could go around like oh maybe I'll say grace today and I'll just be like thank you for this bounty and these relationships that I have

and this is to God God isn't real oh I see amen so when you say thank you see. So who are you saying thank you for this bounty? Who are you talking to? Me, because I bought it. Thank you

to me for this bounty that we have. It's a touchy subject, but that's why it shouldn't be brought up. In work, yeah. I don't know what the legality of it is. It seems probably legal. Right. I think they're what the legality of it is. It seems probably legal. Right.

I think they're dealing with this like in the Supreme Court now. What, separation? Yeah, there's that thing where the football coach wanted, after all of the games, for the players to take a knee and lead them in Jesus' prayer. The Lord's prayer. And the school said no, but then the Supreme Court was like, well, actually, you can do that because you can't suppress his right to religion. Right, but then you can't force everybody to participate. Right, exactly. Everybody should just do what they want.

Yeah, do what you want. But we are a privately owned company, so we do get to decide what the conference rooms are used for. Right. And they can be used for a surfing discussion, but not a Bible one. Gosh, I'm going to write an email to the company now, sort of try to nip it in the bud, just in case it comes up. Well, this is why I'm the chief creative officer and not the COO. I see. This isn't my issue. You don't have to deal with situations like this.

Exactly. That's really cool. I might do the hamotsi, though, before lunch today. Yeah, you can do that, but I'm going to tattle on you. I'm going to... Tell COVID. Yeah. Yeah.

It seems like you just want to tattle on people. You want to be a whistleblower. Ideally. Yeah. You get off to the idea that you're blowing whistles or some shit like that. Tweet that.

All right. Thanks for that really unique curveball. We never answered a question like that. That's right. About whether this guy can sit next to you discussing the Bible. How much is there to read into the Bible, by the way? It's like, at a certain point, you're doing a book club about the same thing over and over. That's what the Torah is too.

Yeah. You get it. You get it. All right. The scholars who just... You figured it out. Yeah. They want to... You read this book. What else you got? Yeah. Well, they discuss it. They debate it book. What else you got? Yeah, well, they discuss it. They debate it, you know. Yeah, that's like, okay, that was for a year.

Right. That already feels like overkill. It feels like it's definitely been done. It's like a book club, but you're reading the same book over and over. Yeah. It's nonsensical, which is why I won't allow it in my conference room. All right, sweet. We're done, and we're at 44 fucking likes.

How cool is that? Yeah, it's not bad. Damn. That feels like I spoke truth to power. Damn. Damn, that's cool. I'm trying not to fucking cry. You are crying a lot.

I'm really trying not to cry right now. Yeah, you're failing at that. We're weeping. Which is another thing you can't do in the office. Yeah. Don't fucking cry a lot at the office. Can we say that? You can do that.

You can't cry at your desk. Go to the conference room to cry. Go to the Bible study if you want to cry. All right, cool. Thank you for listening study if you want to cry. Alright, cool. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. You can, of course, still watch us on the YouTube channel. We're in the same studio, so it's going

to be a nice episode for you guys to check out. We're also still making videos for our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. The opening theme song, the closing theme song is that Ever Wrong parody. Ever Long parody called Ever Wrong. Yeah, of course.

By Lorne Mintz. Lorne Mintz. Let's hear it. We only listened to the first 40 seconds, so this is the full version. Let's hear it. Hello, I've been in line so long to meet you And now the moment's finally come To shake both our hands I'm the biggest fan of yours

Oh no I went for the handshake Touched Jake's balls Quick think Of something funny to say Not a Jewish roast Amir must think I'm a joke I can't save this

Oh no, I think I'm gonna yarf I wish that I was anywhere but here now I just vomited on two Jewish podcasters I feel like I'll be put on blast for this Somehow a mural went attorney for this diss That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen.

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