Segments - 557: Swashbuckler

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

In this episode we discuss todah's, tattoos, and teenage Jews. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. I love you like it's you, baby Like a TV That keeps me up

And stops me eating It's worth having So you can Appreciate the times Appreciate the times That it's not there that's not bad you made a new hand gesture yeah

I mean it's not that's not rocking out it's kind of like the uh the wolf shadow puppet hand gesture maybe or something uh yeah it's interesting so if you're watching you can watch this on youtube we're recording the zoom of our interaction so you can actually see what's going on here i'm sort of doing the the hang loose but i'm also adding the ring finger it's the shaka with the ring i like it instead of it's it's still three fingers like the shocker but it's the thumb it's the ring and it's the pinky yeah can i get you can really can i get three of

those uh tall boys right here just three your hands are crazy like you can make this is what my ring finger has to look like if i have these two fingers down uh you know on my left profile on my left i also can't do that but on my right i can go full inline parallel for whatever that's that's really impressive that's really cool i can't get that anywhere no yeah that's like i think because you you probably masturbate too much right that's unrelated to the hand oh no i'm sorry i'm changing the topic uh i'm gonna talk to you about something i think you also you don't masturbate at all no and look how fucking foreign perfect i mean i'm i've reached full i don't know what you call

this the the triple kiss or whatever the fuck but it's full interlock and you can't sorry unrelated or maybe you can't get erect right i you can't get erect is that why you don't masturbate i just know i remember hearing i'm in a you actually can't get a on. I'm in a constant state of having a semi. So you can't get fully flaccid either. I'm half masked and at half past every single fucking half hour on the half hour. Amazing. It absolutely sucks. Slash stucks. Oh, we forgot to say who actually wrote that song

Oh It's by Chris In Cardiff Wales who says At around the 10 minute mark of episode 525 Amir requested A song to be written and submitted About how you can only appreciate Food after a

Toothache That doesn't sound about how you can only appreciate food after a toothache. That doesn't sound like me. God, you're boring. That's not... That's actually really interesting. You can only appreciate... That's a weird take. People should make a song about that.

You can only appreciate... They just did. Someone just did that. Hopefully you can shout out my soundcloud slash insta you just search pig fights a lion in both to find me so on soundcloud and insta you search pig fights a lion and you find him pig fights a lion i see i see yeah i've started to make fully realized demos of what will hopefully be a debut album uh it's currently 15 or so years in the making hopefully i get around to actually record it properly one day thanks guys hope you dig this one if you do i'll send some more send some more

chris send some more shout out i loved it i loved it i mean you realize how hard it is to make songs you're a recording artist at this point you have two in the can and online yeah i'm in a band so i get it i do get it do you know what song three is yet or is that still a work in progress no we've been talking about it i am i owe i owe gareth some lyrics um i haven't had a free moment lately. But yeah. I think I pitched this one last time, but just to put it at the top of your mind, being hung over at your SATs.

So you show up kind of dehydrated having to do quantitative comparisons, and there's lots of jokes to be had there all right i wrote it down i wrote down hungover at the sats yeah because i remember a lot of cool kids complaining about that maybe the lead singer could be lying about it to try to impress someone right the last song we wrote he's kind of pretending that he likes alcohol this guy's pretty insecure, it seems. Yeah.

Because they're all coming from my high school, which is when I sort of felt lesser than uncool, uncouth. That's right. Temperant slash my vast deference was deferential. I just felt like I was not part of the cool kids. And that's what I want to come through your music for me. Yeah. You know, I think that's like kind of a formative through line in my schooling era.

Like I switched schools twice at probably the worst possible time. Which was what? In between 10th and 11th grade? In between, yes, I did in between 10th and 11th grade. And I also did in between 6th and 7th grade. So the last year or the first after the first year of middle school. Yeah. And unfortunately, I went from a school system in Hamden, which graduated at sixth grade, and then middle school was seventh and eighth, and then high school was nine, 10, 11, 12. But in North Haven, the system was middle school, six, seven, eight. So I basically came in right in the middle of middle school, the in-between years. The worst time to do it.

Yeah. So like finally broke through, had cool friends in elementary school we go to middle school but i'm starting fresh brand new town takes me about four years to make friends feel comfortable in my own skin and then boom new school junior year uh pulled and then yeah and then famously i never spent more than a year per college. Really, the last time you felt fine was like sixth grade. I mean, yeah, I think there's a reason that I stayed at College Humor for 10 years. Because that was your school.

I needed stability. I needed a friend group I could rely on. Yeah. So that's what I'm drawing on when I write my pop punk emo songs. Did I tell you that I found an old message board I used to post to in 1999? So I have like a full record of hundreds of posts I made to this message board that I just found. No, that's insane. What is the message board? What just found that's no that's insane uh what is the message board what year is it uh so do you remember like aol had access to like it was called usenet and it's just like

alt.fans.simpsons alt.fans.racecars or whatever yeah i to, I remember I used to post in an offspring chat. Right. So those are still accessible slash online if you can find them. How? So you use Google groups archived every alt dot fan dot whatever, like all these Usenet message boards. And so I found the one I used to post in because I searched my old screen name, Bob Rooney, and hundreds of messages posts came up at alt.fans.conanobryan.

So I was like- Can you send me, wait, alt? I want to look at them too. I'll send you this query, yeah. Okay, send it to me. I'll send it to the chat. It's great that I don't remember. My screen name used to be Milk, but I don't remember the numbers.

There's no way. Oh, yeah. I had to have numbers. Yeah. It was like Milk161982. I don't remember, but it was like four or five numbers. I thought it was like Big Jake. Yeah.

That was when I was older, when I finally got AIM. My screen name was Big 38 Jake. Oh my God. So these, this is from 2000? And over a year nearly one a day for a full year of me as bob rooney like trying to get to note people that's so so fucking bizarre did your did anybody notice how excited conan got when she mentioned junk cereal he's like oh i love junk cereal i'll know this one for sure that was just a post i made about me watching conan or something like that that's so all right andy is a porn addict this is a post you called me a porn addict yeah i haven't grown in 25 years you wrote all right andy is a porn addict to nobody no some of these have responses no one responded to this one yeah a lot of them is me trying to get a drum up a dialogue and nobody

yeah you're right did you guys hear that He allegedly confessed on late night. Andy's a prostitute. Bob Rooney. P.S. That's how rumors get started. So I was just sort of creating a rumor even back then. I guess so. Oh my god. This is so, so funny. This is like the oldest record of me being online. It's kind of fun to see them. Yeah. So how old were you? All right. I'm trying to scroll back to the earliest one. I was 16.

I was in the 10th grade that you were alluding to. Wow. 1999. This is mixed for bad radio because i'm just reading all your messages uh if you're reading this reply with any message you want all right so if you're reading this reply with any message you want whether it be blank or not i want to see what happens when a certain message is replied to 100 times is there enough room so please if if some people do it, others will follow. We shall lead the way. And nobody replies.

Zero responses. It's like we wrote it. All caps, we shall lead the way. Reply to this message. I want to see what happens. Yeah, when something fucking blows the fuck up zero responses and then you write p.s the funniest in the year 2000 was uruguay is going to change its name to you're a gay because there's nothing wrong with that no it's uruguay is going to change its name to uruguay not that there's anything wrong with that. I see. It was a Seinfeld joke.

Oh my God. Yeah, hundreds of these things. And they're all incredible. Yeah, every single one more viral than the last. Yeah. But yeah, that was 23 years ago and I was posting to these Conan O'Brien fan sites. My God. I have to get these to him

not only that i like finding the ones that don't have that you start that have no no responses or the ones that i reply to somebody else and i'm trying to like yes and them but nobody gives a shit i'm i'm basically trying to be a funny dude in here and merrily angleman and w-h-a-r-r having none of it yeah do they i guess they they don't necessarily know that you are 16 huh yeah i just assumed everyone was 16 at the time but i guess these could have been adults on the internet oh here we go. On August 18th, 1999, I ranked the funniest shows on TV. Ooh. Number one is The Simpsons. Number two is Friends. Number three is Seinfeld.

Number four is The Tom Green Show. This all adds up so far. What's five? Five is Late Night with Conan O o'brien of course because this is the conan fan site after all right so number six is top five six is family guy which i didn't realize was around that early uh seven is snl from 1994 got it trolling snl eight is just shoot me because i I was a huge David Spade fan. Yeah.

One of your posts is holy shit. David Spade on Conan. Nine is the daily show, which I think is before John Stewart. And number 10 is the NFL on Fox pregame show, which I think was a joke that I was making. I see. I see.

But you know what? Somebody else loves Just Shoot Me and says David Spade kicks ass. I wasn't alone here. This is like early internet. I should find all these people. Where's WM Thorne right now? Yeah, Jesus Christ. So can you search

like, are you only searching in conversations in the Conan O'Brien? Can you search all conversations for Bob Rooney in any chat? That's a good question. I don't know. I was able to search the Conan O'Brien fan one. I wonder if we can find the offspring one you used to post in. Yeah, I mean, I hope hope not because it was just me

trying to cyber with people and it fucking worked how cool is that yeah i mean it often did but i'm sure i was cybering with other uh young boys pretend pretending to be 19 year olds like i was uh all right let's uh try to answer a question this is if i were you after all the only advice show on the web hosted by us damn right um okay here we go this one is called aloha gentle hand okay uh this one is not really a podcast question, right? It's this Hawaiian. Who's a famous Hawaiian lady. Um, Hawaiian Moana Moana rights. Uh,

I love your show and you're both absolute smoke shows. Wow. My friend Alexa and I would quote your sketches in high school to this day. I still quote, this is an A to B conversation. So see your way out of d room all the way to l any uh hoodie in the blowfish i want to get a tat any hoodie in the blowfish i want to get a tattoo commemorating your podcast and always remember that there will be uh someone out there way more fucked up than i am uh that dying alone doesn't seem that scary. My question is, would it be all right for a non-Jewish, non-Hebrew speaking individual like me to get a tattoo of either Todah or what I really want is seize the cheese written in Hebrew?

I'm well aware that Google Translate has delightfully given me the grab the cheese, which I mean, it's close. But if not, I totally understand. And I'd love to get something to the Remember the Podcast. i mean it's close uh but if not i totally understand and i'd love to get something to the remember the podcast that's not a block of cheese mahalo okay what do you think about that as the as the resident one who's more jewish than both of us well it seems like tattoos you can get like you know that like a japanese or chinese character where you don't know what it is but you just take the people's word for it. Yeah. So it's like I can approve it and then you can get it.

I understand doing it for Todah. I don't understand seize the cheese in Hebrew. That seems like kind of a stretch. Yeah. Well, it's because the seize the cheese is from the podcast. Yeah. But you don't necessarily want to write seize the cheese on your body. So you have kind of these like Hebrew letters, which look a little cooler, maybe than, you know, somebody

reading it. The thing is, people will ask, and you'll have to tell them the truth. Yeah, it's like, if someone's like, Oh, that's cool tattoo, what does it mean? You'll have to say that it means seize the cheese, though, technically grab the cheese so you might as well just write it in english and they'll be like why does it say seize the cheese you just skip that that uh awkward first question toda i would go hebrew seize the cheese i would not do the hebrew either translation or even transliteration like hebrew characters but saying an english word people do that sometimes too interesting yeah toda is pretty good because it's like it's from the podcast but it's also just thank you which it's like gratitude

it's gratitude that's like that's actually kind of a low-key meaningful tat i might get that yes across the chest that's pretty cool don't aren't you do for a tattoo of the word every or something yeah and i think did i talk about on this show that i got uh something called i was That's pretty cool. Can you do for a tattoo of the word every or something? Yeah. And I think, did I talk about on this show that I got something called, I was maybe going to recommend it as my unsolicited advice. There's this thing called Inkbox. Whoa, save it. Save it. Okay.

Jesus Christ. I'll talk about it. I'll talk about it after. Yeah, I'll talk about it. Let's take a break. Thanks to the sponsors. Say ta-da, actually, to some sponsors, and we'll be back after these. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Or like, do you know what a play action passes? Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

Uh, no. What? This whole day's been a setup for this fucking ink box site that you, I think, invested in or some shit. I'm getting a kickback! Guaranteed!

And now I guess you stalled in negotiations and you don't want to reference them yet or something that's right i'm waiting for my fee for my big to hit on the back end okay but if it goes through by the time this airs what is it it's this site where you can like i think they have they have some art that you can just grab, but you can also send custom art to them, and they send you a temporary tattoo, basically. Interesting. So you can test it out on your body. And I was not sure where I wanted to put the family tattoo, the every. So I got two um my sister did the design turned it

into a png i uploaded it i got two temporary tattoo stickers in the mail but one on my arm one on my thigh and i gallivanted around town and some people noticed and some people didn't people didn't notice i would ask them uh which one they liked better and thigh one out so thigh i'm gonna be a thigh guy i have a tattoo um kind of the mid thigh is it still there as the temp can we see it it's not here anymore it only lasts about eight days which is really how long a tattoo should last like why ever go for the permanent one it seems like eight days is the goat length and if you want to re-up just get i mean ideally it'd be nice if you could just get a year-long tattoo because that's like

enough that's a good amount of time that i feel like you know you just have to continually reapply yeah it's the permanence that really scares me. I'll get a fucking year longer. That's easy. Give me fucking... I always say I want Milhouse from The Simpsons on my ass. That's a fucking quick... Would you actually do that? Yeah, for a year?

I don't care if it's for a year, as long as it doesn't stand there through the test of time. So if you had to get a tattoo, if someone's like, you have to get a tattoo, that's what you would do? Milhouse on your ass? Yeah, if I have time for that. So if you had to get a tattoo, if someone's like, you have to get a tattoo, that's what you would do? Milhouse on your ass. Yeah, if I had to. That way.

If you had to. Yeah, that way I would just have Milhouse on my ass. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. No one would really see it. I can't get the family tattoo on my ass because it's kind of a meaningful piece in a silly locale. I have to go thigh. And where on your thigh? Is it vertical? Is it horizontal? Is it peeking out from under shorts? Yeah, peeks out from under bike and exercise

shorts, peeks out from under a bathing suit. If I'm wearing seven to nine inch inseam, actually, if I'm wearing nine inch, you might not see it. If I'm wearing seven inch, you do when I'm sitting down. And is it running, you know, like around the knee or is it going like vertically down your leg? It's going, it's as if you could, if I'm standing up straight, you could look at it and the word in the boat would be the right side up. Like when I look at it from, when I look down at it, it's upside down. Right. And how big is it does it go like wrap around or is it like a band-aid size actually big as like an airpod case oh that's pretty small yeah not too big not too big tasteful and because you eliminated your other tattoos would this be your new first tattoo well i still have the butterfly

oh i see so still have the butterfly that's my first tattoo but the other ones are gone so would you consider your second tattoo but your first one probably like 18 years or something yeah yeah definitely i haven't i mean the last one was the tribal son when i was 18 or 19 do you remember getting that like deciding to get it and getting it and were you psyched and amped when it happened or were you instantly regrettable um i was psyched and amped when it happened because i was like my plan was to get a lot of tattoos and it was like all right this is number three let's keep the dream alive and i think it was fun and meaningful to me because i like got it with some other friends who oh they got the sun too they got

no they got i think i think they both i think steve got a a Celtic cross. I don't know if he regrets it, but I think he's religious. So, you know, maybe not. That works, yeah. And then who else was there? I believe I could be conflating this because I know Christine and I, my friend Christine and I, she got the word imagine at the same time as I got the word every.

And Eddie might have gotten one with us then. And I believe he got like a Bosque flag or maybe he got a Real Madrid tattoo. A soccer team? Yeah. Because he didn't really like the soccer team, but he loved Spain. Oh, that's nice. So he got, yeah, he got some Spanish tattoos. And he might have gotten one with me when I got the tribal son.

And then you come home and you show your parents and they're just like annoyed at you or they like laughing at you. My mom was fine. My mom thought it was cool. My dad would kind of, he wouldn't be mad but he was just it was sort of like you know the equivalent of like if he saw me with like a mohawk or like right so much more sure just like yeah i mean he but he basically i feel like he more thought he wasn't like i'm mad this is permanent you, you know, disfigured your body. It was more like, Oh,

you're such a loser. It's like, Oh, desecrated my boy. You're just like gross. Oh, why'd you do that? But now he has a tattoo.

He has the word it on his arm. Oh, wow. He has the family tattoo. He has the family word. So the, the family tattoo is a seven words, eight word sentence or something.

And everybody has one word. Yeah. It is always every summer in this house. And now my nephew is going to get the word uh seriously oh my god he's one where are you gonna put it there's no way they can't do that on his belly on his tongue tongue god he's so he's not small still he he's not one yeah it's gonna stretch and grow you can't do that one in december yeah be one in December. Yeah. But his uncle's going to give him something for his nine months. Yeah.

We're going together. I'm an uncle and I'm a godfather. And I'm going to tattoo all these cool children. Can you get a tattoo as a child? If you have your parents' consent? There's places, I think, where you can do it at 15 or 16. I think if you have your parents' consent. I'm places i think where you can do it at 15 or 16 i think if you have your parents consent i'm pretty sure my sister got a tattoo at 16 tattoo age minimum is 18 in california even with a fucking parental and guardian wow so there's some that doesn't it's state by state yeah Yeah. And Connecticut has none specified.

There you go. So you just have to go to the right place. I'll just take Henry to the right spot. He knows. They know me down there. Even Florida's like, you got to be 16. Connecticut's kind of fucking crazy for this one. No age specified.

Yeah, my sister got... I mean, you can get a part-time job when you're 15 or 16. So you should be able to permanently alter your body. It's interesting. This is like both tattoos and body piercings. I guess they're all like the same situation. It's interesting, though, because like a piercing closes up. Like I've definitely seen...

I got my ear pierced when i was like eight i think what when you were eight an eight-year-old boy people pierce baby's ears for sure little girls to like differentiate them from boys and girls i've seen but an eight-year-old who's like kind of a fully grown boy making that decision and then you're like yeah yeah pierced your ear that's like a badass in second grade yeah second grade uh second grade ear pierced got super infected it had to be lanced yeah by lance bass in listen to this one in Jersey you have to be 16, but minors cannot have genital

piercings, even with parent slash guardian consent. You're not going to give me a Prince Albert I'm 15 and my dad is here. Okay? It's cool with him. He thinks it's awesome. You gotta go to Connecticut for that shit. We're in New Jersey.

We have a sense of pride about this kind of stuff. Tri-state area. Tri-state area, like New Jersey. Here's the lowest age minimum to get a tattoo is 14 in Idaho. Huh? So they'll be like, you do have to be a certain age but 14 so you don't even need parent parental uh okay you're just like if you're 14 if you walked over here you're 14 years old you can get a tattoo you can get a tattoo i think you still need parental consent at 14 that's

too little that's too small if it's 14 you might as well say no age specified because that's so young. That is so young. That means you can have a bar mitzvah, wait a year, and get tatted up. 16, I'm on board with 16. I mean, well, actually, I've publicly stated that I think the driving age should be 21. But if you can drive a car at 16 you should be able to get a tattoo that's good so it's tied to your license if you can drive to the tattoo parlor you can get your yeah you can get your tattoo but driving age should absolutely be

at least 18 and ideally 21 16 is you're, you're a baby. You're only two years after being able to pierce your genitals in Idaho. You know what they say, you're only two years able to pierce your genitals in Idaho. Welcome aboard. I didn't even pass a test. Yeah. All right, let's take another break.

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you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a a z and not where you think and it's not biz

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. One last question to roll them all let's do it baby i hope this person needs a fake tattoo or something because i feel like that's an easy one but it doesn't appear to be that easy this one's about a swashbuckling son wow so we'll call this guy d'artagnan one of the three musketeers love that my son is seven and his favorite thing to do is sword fight with me he's been swinging a sword with all of his strength full tilt at me literally every day of his life since he could stand and hold a stick this is

very fun for me but it's recently caused a problem last week he played in the backyard with our neighbor's son who's 10 and the boy really wanted to fight with foam swords i warned them both that my kid tends to go ham but the boy was confident and my son beat the shit out of him and made him cry now my wife and my neighbors are furious with me apparently it's my fault that his kid can't fence to save his life my question is do you think I need to rein in my son's favorite activity for the safety of other people's kids? Or can I just keep rearing my Spartan warrior so he's ready for the inevitable climate change-fueled apocalypse? Fair. I think our audience is growing to the point where we're answering questions about their children.

Yeah, which is actually ideal. This is the natural evolution we've helped them weather their relationships to the point where now they're you know they're getting married they're settling down they're rearing children that's amazing yeah um i think everyone is mad at you because you kind of weren't like in theory you should have watched and been like the kid is you don't get to just be like seven year old and ten year old are gonna go fight with swords let them go with a warning and then turn your back yeah at some point you should have stepped in and been like that's enough time out yeah but it's hard because like you have to watch

a one-year-old a two-year-old a three four years you're still watching this thing five six it's like i've watched him for six years are you telling me at seven years in i have to fucking still watch him he's he's not gonna just be cool if i stopped watching him yeah but i you know i think as they get older they're probably this is me um talking about children having none but they can go on autopilot a little bit but one time to not be like this is on autopilot is when you give two of them swords and then you say yeah have at it that's the that's if they're playing video games yeah they're playing video games you can walk away if they're uh i don't know building legos is that what kids still do you You can walk away.

But if they're about to go at it with swords and you know that your kid is a swashbuckler, I'd keep a close eye on that. All that said, I think this is cool that your son has a passion and that he's a good sword fighter. And you can actually enroll him in fencing. Fencing, yeah. And he could really excel at it. He could go to the goddamn Olympics. Was that a Connecticut thing? Did your high school have that shit, like fencing stuff?

I'm trying to remember. I think, I kind of feel like we did. But it wasn't like a popular enough sports for there to be like a big call out for it. There might have just been like kids at my school who fenced. Right. But the last two years of school were like a prep school. So there were definitely fencing kids in that school. That school.

Fucking fencing. Imagine swashbuckling for sport. Yeah. Fencing, I'm sure it would be a fun sport for a kid and definitely a fun sport for a kid who loves sword fighting but then you can't say go for it you you have to like say don't you know just because you're learning this means you can't do it to other people yada yada yada you know with great power comes great responsibility i mean i'd be showing him a bunch of superhero movies and be like yeah you're really good at sword fighting

does that mean that you can beat the shit out of anybody who doesn't know how to sword fight no you want to be sword fighting with elite sword fighters like me and then oh my god yeah a real a real dagger who what sport would you want your child to be obsessed with where it's like wow he's really good soccer football yeah it's more than anything else um i think so because i have the most fun watching football i'm not going to call it soccer anymore i'm the most fun watching football and i would enjoy you know i i enjoy everything that goes around that you know going out to the the fields to to watch an outdoor game you bring a lawn chair you sit down that sounds really relaxing and nice i have one that'll beat the

shit out of yours so hard that you won't even think about ever saying soccer or football ever again i'm curious what it is because i for some reason i've always thought about i think about this exact question a lot and i really feel like i landed on the best one so go ahead competitive eating no way imagine your fucking eight-year-old eating 21 hot dogs in an hour i wouldn't love that no not but stretch out his tattoo gaming e-gaming so your kid's a fucking professional league of legends wizard of sorts actually yeah i think i would choose tennis because i could play one-on-one with a kid with every other sport you're like fucking you got to get a team together. Yeah, right, exactly.

Tennis is like mano y mano. Let's see at which point you can kick my ass. You think you can beat your old man? Right, and then he does. Tennis is a great one, though. I could see myself going to the court with a bucket of balls and just kind of feeding him forehand. Richard Williams style.

Yeah, in the rain. Oh, yeah oh yeah come on it's raining i'm not talking to you you're sort of buzzed sort of yelling at a stranger who's telling you not to keep their kid doesn't he have a sweatshirt for loco he doesn't need a sweatshirt he has a back hand and then he fucking rails you with one backhand and a prince albert that's right so for this guy you can say if the wife and the neighbors are all mad at you maybe you did do something wrong that being said that being said you don't have to de-incentivize the fencing but there does seem to be a time i have like you know friends with kids and like the boys who are like you know at three like fake hitting then become

like eight year olds and they're like actually hitting you in the balls and like yeah like you have you have to cut that off at a certain point at a certain point like their punches do hurt a lot and it's funny and it's funny to them when they make an adult sort of right bend over yeah they almost fucking get off to that shit so it's like you have to hide the pain from them and then right that doesn't but i do like i think that there's something if if a kid is like that i feel like you know shutting that down entirely is one but all, or you can take that energy and be like, if you like that, I don't want you to, you know, punch my guests. But if you, if you like, you know, striking things, let's take you to karate or something. Like, let's, yeah.

Find a creative outlet for your aggression. Absolutely. Absolutely. There's a way for, there's a way for there's a way forward there you don't have to you know try to try to snuff out their the fire in their soul are you an adult that lets kids win are you sort of the adult that like blocks a kid's shot and be like i'm not gonna fucking let you win because you're eight yeah would definitely let the kid let a kid win, but I think I wouldn't make it be entirely easy. They got to earn it.

Yeah. Like if I'm playing football with a kid, I'll let the kid dribble around me, but I'm going to go and try to block their shot. And then I'll let them get it. Slide tackle. Yeah. That's a red? Is that a red? If he crosses you over you'll you'd fake an injury right you would say ah my fucking ankle he hit me he hit me hard and try to get

him a yellow card thrown out of the match that's right that's right that's right even though it's a thanksgiving friendly yeah and then i i run and block it with like a handball he starts complaining i i didn't ask like the whole family i say that was my shoulder that was my shoulder they're like we saw you elbow him oh sorry i was i was saying i hit it with my shoulder and you pretend like you can't hear sorry whose cousin did you say you were me backing out towards my car to get a gun who do you know here bro because my dad's the fucking organizer of this game and he could have your nine-year-old he's the nine-year-old has a quip that says your dad doesn't fucking like you everyone cracks up oh this is real. You guys are raising a fucking school shooter. You take out two fucking guns.

My gosh. What? So fucked. It's a goof. They're foam guns. They're foam guns. Yeah. Right, right, right.

Which is ultimately fine. No. All right. That's it. Those are our questions about swashbuckling sons. Mm-hmm. And, of course, the tattoo, the Hebrew tattoo. The tattoo. I recommend a Todah tattoo more than a seize the cheese,

because that sounds sort of like a Pizza Hut promotional coupon that you'll find one day. Yeah, I like Todah. All right, thank you for anybody that emailed us questions and theme songs. We are in desperate need of them. Let's send them on in, folks. If you're on the fence, now's the time. IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com.

Now is the time. We just cleaned out the email, so they're getting read as they're coming in now. That's right. Your best opportunity to have us read and react and play your songs is now. And you can watch these podcasts on our YouTube, the If I Were You Show YouTube channel. And more of us

watching old Jake and Amir videos on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. Good job. We've never made more content. We're just a content pumping, producing machine. Yeah.

A powerhouse, I'd say. Thanks to you guys for listening. I mean, you made made it this far you're at the end of this episode so maybe you're in dire need you're all caught up that out yes you're caught up now what um all right uh let's play that song one last time that was from god was chris from cardiff i believe his name was. Yeah, Pig Fights a Lion on Bandcamp. Yeah, did you find that? I didn't look on Bandcamp yet, but I 100% will as soon as we're done recording. A solo artist from Cardiff, Wales. That's

Chris. Yes, Pig Fights a Lion. Alright, shout out. This is, one more time, Toothache. We'll be back next week, everybody. Bye. Later. toothache right we'll be back next week everybody bye later i love you like a toothache that keeps me up and stops me eating

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