Segments - 559: Bad Art

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

In this episode we discuss, triathlons, Teslas, and finding new hobbies. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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down is where we wanna stay Música Look at them looking at us Front of the class, back of the bus But since when did we even care If they looked past us or if they stare Cause all we need's a bunch of weed Joints to smoke, munchies to feed I've never smoked, but I'm down to try If I inhale too much, are you sure I won't die?

Down and out, what's that about? You can count on that Fuck me. Yeah. I'm really tired from... That was a lot. There's no way you could do a concert. I'm so exhausted.

That was 70 seconds of lip syncing. And you're already gassed. I spilled water on myself. Yeah, it wasn't even like a cool liquid. I was gonna, yeah, pour it on my head. You got some dirt on the couch, though. We have some resolve. And you have no resolve.

That was your song. That was my band. That was me. Not singing or playing any of the instruments, per se. But I am the de facto head band leader main front lead singer guy the front man of the band

I would say it is weird that most bands if you come up with the songs you have to also sing it there should be the equivalent of a writer director for a movie but for a band that's me I'm the first ever of that new hybrid model I i guess most singers don't necessarily write their own songs yeah like um people write fucking music for katie perry or

whatever and i can probably do that yeah i could probably do that yeah so you're like that you're not the katie perry you're like the dr luke behind the yeah. Yeah, but not with the music. Sorry. I'll do lyrics. Yeah. If that's trouble for anybody. So the line where it's like down to smoke. I've never smoked, but I'm down to try. If I inhale too much, are you sure I won't die?

That was me. I have some munchies I could feed. Right. Did we get to the munchies? Oh yeah, munchies to feed. Yeah. Yeah. This was based on your suggestion of a guy who wants to try weed but is afraid.

That's cool. All right. I'm back in. Yes. Shout out to Gareth O'Connor who does all the other stuff. Right. The actual front man. You can listen to Fade on Shuffle anywhere, right?

YouTube, Spotify. Yeah. Anywhere you listen to your music, you can check out Fade on Shuffle. That's your second single. So you need about 10 more songs to make an album. Yeah. Anywhere you listen to your music, you can check out Fade on Shuffle. That's your second single. So you need about 10 more songs to make an album. Yeah. Our goal is actually to make a five song EP. Okay.

So I need to come up with lyrics to two more songs. And then we're going to do a pop punk cover of a song. Wow. Because that's kind of like classic. What are you thinking? I believe Gareth suggested that Hercules song. Wow. Because that's kind of like classic. What are you thinking? I believe Gareth suggested that Hercules song, I Am On My Way. Oh, the song from Phil Collins from Hercules. Yeah. I can go the distance. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's gonna be really good.

That'll be the best song on the album. Yeah, it'll be funny because that's the one that I have absolutely nothing to do with, including not even choosing it as the cover. Yeah, you fought tooth and nail to not include the Tarzan thing because Disney is, quote, litigious as fuck. Let's not get into that camp. Tarzan actually would be a good one. I love that Son of Man song. Oh, right. I Can Go the Distance.

That's Hercules, not Tarzan. Yeah, that's Hercules. I don't know if it's Phil Collins either. I Can Go the Distance, Hercules. I Can Go i can go oh yeah tarzan is phil collins right yeah and it's a great soundtrack it was written yeah by alan menken the guy who does all the disney songs there you go shout out to alan yep shout out to fade on shuffle big ups uh if you are listening to this you missed jake rocking out which we got on video because we're back in the

studio together yeah we're back in the studio so you can see jake going absolutely ham yeah and it's a little embarrassing how hard it was but also it's cool that i didn't twist my ankle which i really thought that I would do. You could have, yeah. I could have, easily. I could have been out of commission. I could have fallen backwards into that camera over that microphone. I could have really hurt my ribs. It just goes to show you that these aging rock stars are...

It's actually pretty impressive when you see a 72-year-old rock star still going ham at a concert for two hours. But I did an hour-long Peloton bike boot camp, shout out to Jess Sims, this morning. So I feel like it's not really an age thing. It's more that I just, like, already worked out really hard today. Oh, I see. So when you jumped on the couch and you were like, I'm afraid I twisted my ankle, that was because of the workout?

Yeah, that was just like, well, I've already done a bunch of human makers today. So I feel like, you know, my quads were... Like kind of toast. Toasted. They were toasted. They were toasted. If I hadn't worked out, I probably would have been bouncing off the walls.

Maybe tomorrow you could do one without the workout. You could bounce off the walls. Yeah, maybe. But I was planning on going swimming in the morning. So just don't go swimming. You could bounce off the walls.

Yeah, but... It seems like it's a better workout for you anyway. Well, I'm training for a triathlon. Oh, really? That includes swimming, biking, and running? That's correct. How long of each? It's not the Olympic triathlon.

It's called a sprint triathlon. So it's 10 meters of swimming. So little. One lap of running. And then you have to ride your bike down the block. But you can do it on your tricycle, which is what I have. That's like an obstacle course you made for yourself. No, I think it's half a mile swim, 12-mile bike ride, three-mile run.

Wow. I mean, the swimming is the hardest part by far. Yeah. Yeah. Like a three-mile run is relatively fine. Yeah, I think everything— And a 12-mile bike ride. But a half-mile swimming is no joke. Yeah, I think everything— And a 12-mile bike ride. But a half-mile swimming is no joke.

All of those things on their own are very doable. I do more—like I do longer than that when I run. I do longer than that when I bike. But I never, ever swim. Right. And it's like open water swim. Not open water. It's a lake.

But you can't like just like chill. Like you're like, ooh, I'm gassed. Let me hold on to the edge of the pool. Yeah. No, I don't—I think that it's probably all beyond where you can touch. It's across the lake in New York. So I'm not entirely sure like what the vibe is. When are you going to do that? September 24th. That's so soon. Yeah. It might've already happened. Oh yeah. It's possible. Are you worried about the half mile swim or you've done half a mile swimming uninterrupted? I've done half mile uninterrupted.

It's not easy. I was really gassed when I was done with that. Especially if you don't practice. No, you know what I did? To practice, I've done, it's mostly just surfing. Oh, interesting. So the surfing has helped,

especially because I paddle in a wetsuit. So I, and then I did, I've done like two, you know, visiting the gym swimming laps. And both those times I swam a mile. A mile straight. Not like, I mean, I rest, but it's not like I needed to like stand and like sit on the wall or anything. Right.

You know, I could just as easily, if I'm in the lake, tread water for a bit and then keep going. Yeah. Who are you doing it with? My sister, maybe two of my sisters. Wow. And maybe Jill. Wow. Yeah.

I look forward to hearing how difficult or easy it was. I look forward to telling you all about it. How long do you think it'll take you? I don't know what a good time even is. Yeah. So I actually have no idea. I want to see if I like the vibe. Because if I do, I feel like that it could be something like – You can start extending it.

Yeah. Because I'll never be able to run a marathon because my legs just don't work like that. But I think if I can toss in biking and swimming, maybe I could do it. You could do a half Ironman. Yeah. Yeah. Like the – this one's the Olympic sprint and then there's also like – maybe it's an – I don't even – no. It's the sprint triathlon and then the Olympic triathlon. That's the next one up so iron man is even more than that iron man is like

a full-ass marathon in addition to like 125 of biking yeah and like a three miles yeah it's like something something like that it's like uh it takes almost a day yeah yeah so i'll never do that that's awesome yeah but you could you've done a marathon yeah but i can't do the other stuff right you don't know how to ride a bike right and i don't like swimming i also don't really run that That's awesome. Yeah, but you could. You've done a marathon. Yeah, but I can't do the other stuff. Right. You don't know how to ride a bike. Right, and I don't like swimming. I also don't really run that much anymore. Yeah, that's true. What I could do is like an hour of tennis.

Would you ever run another marathon? No, definitely not. You would never do it? No. Never? Not even like a hint in your mind that is like, oh, it would be fun to prove that I still got it? No, I don't still got it. I like play sports now, and it's like after an hour, I'm pretty much done.

Interesting. I'm out. I'm fully out the game. All right. This is, after all, an advice podcast. Let's get into it. We're not just talking

about Jake's fitness goals. We're talking about people who are stuck in sticky situations. It's called If I Were You. It's the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. These are real emails

from real people. We just got to give them some fake names. Okay. To preserve their anonymity. It makes sense. We don't want to out them. Definitely.

This subject line made me laugh. It says, in all caps, I think Tigger fucked me. I think Tigger fucked me. Okay. Exclamation point.

Exclamation point. Interesting. Get our attention with the. Exclamation point. Interesting. Get our attention with the subject. That's the key. I'm 29 and I live in England. I have a really weird problem and everyone else I've spoken to would rather laugh at me. I live with my girlfriend and we've been together for a few years. It was my birthday last week and my girlfriend's father surprised me with a gift he'd made himself.

Wow. Oh my god my girlfriend seems to think it's not so bad and we should put it up anyway I've grown quite fond of her in the last six years and I don't want to fuck this up but I really hate it help I'll attach a picture of it in all it's horror I sent it to Casey let's see if we can get it on the

on the big board but a painting of a tiger so bad that he doesn't want to leave it up. I don't think that's, I mean, I feel like this is an artistic choice. Yeah. It's not like he's trying to draw a realistic tiger. Yeah, it's more like in the style of like 11th century Japanese art or something like that. Yeah, it kind of looks like the face is more of a horse face.

It's better than I can do. Yeah. But that doesn't say much. The colors are fun. I mean, look, art is subjective. So he doesn't like it. What are you going to do? I don't think this is bad at all.

I can see a world where it looks like a seven-year-old painted it, though. Yeah, sure. I mean, but, you know, I feel like some art is knowing the source of it, knowing the artist. Yeah. So you know who painted it for you. I think it's nice to do the right thing for your family. You have to make sacrifices every once in a while. I don't know how big your place is.

This needs to go on the wall. Oh, it needs to? Yeah. It's non- how big your place is. This needs to go on the wall. Oh, it needs to? Yeah. It's non-negotiable to me. Can you do the whole like, when he's here, let's put it up. When he's gone, it's okay. No, because then you have to talk. Then it becomes a thing. Why would you make it a thing? You're telling your girlfriend that you don't like her dad's passion. It was a very sweet gesture. He painted this. He gave it to you and now you not only have to say i don't like it but you have to tell your girlfriend that you hate it so much that

i don't know i feel like not liking it is a personal thing yeah you should keep that secret don't tell your girlfriend that you don't like it because then she has to keep a secret from your dad right from her dad of course not right um i will say like the more paintings like the more you keep it up the less your eyes will even notice it like you just sort of if something is constantly there you just stop seeing it entirely yeah so let's and let's think about it like this you send this bad boy to frame bridge you you pick a cool frame you get the you kind of start to make it a piece that is beyond just the actual canvas you know what I mean you could also put this I don't know what the size of it it looks like that's a bag right here yeah that's a bag so not huge this

could easily be part with a nice frame easily be part of a gallery wall it'll blend in with a bunch of other other art so you're you want them to put the bag up as art no i'm saying the this painting is not so big that it would take up you know an entire wall uh-huh the bag i'm just not like it was a piece of little like a trinket i was using it as a size reference forget stop focusing on the bag. I don't mind the bag right here. Try not to think about the bag as much as you are. One thing, the bag means...

That's a nice piece. It's awesome. That's a really nice piece. Not really. Not really. It's a little gauche, don't you think? But to be like art? The camel leather with the gold it's a little gauche it's imagine like a painting a bag maybe you have like a shoe

it's like a bunch of shit on the wall yeah no i don't think that's a good idea i don't think that's a good idea at all i think think you misread something that I said and have followed it down your own path and now you're lost in the wilderness with this idea. That'd be cool. A glass, a vase, a bag. I don't see how you've come back from this, Blumenfeld.

You're talking about everyday objects being on the wall. All because I used it as a reference point for the size of the painting. Cereal or something, yeah. You don't hear me. A bowl. It's like I'm not speaking. That actually is not a bad idea either, like a shirt.

I didn't say anything. That's not a bad idea either. You came up with it. An old pencil sharpener, like from elementary school, the kind where you go like that. That's interesting. Really? That's interesting. On the wall next to a bag.

Yeah. That's a coat hanger. A coat rack. That's a bag. Yeah. So if you put enough shit on your wall, we'll stop noticing this. There's also, I mean, there must be some place in your house, like it doesn't have to go above your bed, but is there some place in your house that feels like it's getting primary

billing, but that is not, you know, like right in the living room? A hallway is a good place for that. Also, if you've been with your girlfriend for six years, in theory, you guys have hung some stuff on the wall. So, you know, maybe it's not like insulting that you're not going to put it above the bed because you have something there already. Yes, exactly. So find a place for it. I think find a place for it. What have you faced? Learn to love it. The other way. Flip it around. So it's facing the wall. No. Yeah. Back of the canvas bag, punching bag, shopping bag. That's our bag wall. And then the tiger thing wouldn't make sense unless it was facing the wall

I think you just need to reframe this in your head learn to love it you have to learn to love it because what it represents is your significant other's father giving you a gift borderline father-in-law borderline father-in-law accepting the dangerous game is like

oh you like the tiger I can do a whole fucking zoo for you guys. It'll look like you're Dr. Doolittle in here. Yeah. But then you could say like, yeah, actually we have some friends and family who would love this as well. So you don't have to put it in your house. You say like, yes. I can do you a zebra so big there won't even be room for a bag.

Yeah. So I guess that's the slippery slope that maybe your attaboy gives him so much encouragement that he thinks you want to dedicate your entire house. That he wants it to – he thinks you want it to become a gallery to him. Yeah. A museum of sorts. But I think the other risk is that you insult your girlfriend and her father, and you kind of create a rift that you can't come back from. So the tiger painting, though bad, is not as bad as a rift. Yeah.

And I don't even think it's bad. I think it's nice. All right. And if you guys are watching on our YouTube channel, you can see this tiger. You can weigh in yourself yeah I wonder if he can become a Detroit Tigers fan so he feels like almost like a kinship yeah with the tiger

itself that's nice is that a monkey in the tree or just a different color for the branch it looks like it's a monkey in the tree it might be a monkey the proportion is certainly off there. It's too small of a monkey. Yeah.

The monkey is six inches tall compared to the tiger. The tiger should have a tail, no? Well, the bag should have a tail. Why? Let's take a break. Yeah, let's. Because you're hyper-focused on the bag idea. No, I'm not.

I think we just have to reset. Let's have a reset. Let's have a reset. Let's have a reset. Let's thank some sponsors and come back after these massages. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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Gross. Subscribe to HeadGum's newest podcast. The Formula One podcast. Hosted by none other than our man SpeedCaser. That is right. Casey Donahue. Let's go.

So you guys did one pilot. We did one pilot. Proof of concept. It went viral. It was a hit. It was a major hit. It was a positive feedback loop. Positive feedback loop.

I don't know if we've ever had a more successful pilot. Everybody wanted to watch, hear, enjoy along. They demanded it. They demanded more. And there was almost a January 6th level riot when we didn't cover the race the following week in Belgium. Yeah. So what happened? Because there was a bunch of people here.

Was that that? That was that. A bunch of, yeah. Exactly. Sort of alt-right. Someone shit in Marty's office, right? Yeah. He was wearing Viking helmet.

Yeah, yeah. I thought that was Casey. It was He led them up But we covered last week's Monza Grand Prix. So there's two episodes now. There's the pilot and And from and the race from the the 11th and it's the same crew in the pilot as the second one. Yes Though we missed Andrew Pyle, who was traveling, but he is a regular host. It's me, Marika, Jeff, Andrew Pyle, and Casey is our

host. Wow. It's a real head gum production. Yeah. The pit wall. The pit wall. If we watch the Grand Prix, we make a prediction before the race. We play the prediction and we just recap the race, talk all about it, all the hot goss. In the first episode, you made the prediction. Yeah. From 20 to 1. Yep. And then in the second episode, Pyle made the prediction. And how did he do?

Not great. I believe he used the term dead monarch energy was going to propel Lewis Hamilton to the win. Yeah. Because he's a knight. Yeah, he was knighted. So Sir Lewis Hamilton, who I believe came in fifth or sixth. Is that right, Casey? He came in fifth, if I remember correctly.

Yeah, he was in fifth. Sines is in fourth. Yes. Then Russell, then Leclerc, uh verstappen yeah yeah did he get the first because verstappen wins every single race as far as i know right uh yeah let's just nail that prediction i think he's won seven in a row yeah he didn't it's not fun to predict that verstappen will win because he usually does how does one win seven races in a row is his car driving faster like i'm not quite understanding what he can do

that other people cannot their car is better every team constructs their own car i see so the red bull car is better than most of the cars on the grid that seems weird like imagine a shoe in basketball so good that like this player is the best because he has that yeah well kind of but like imagine one place has all so like if nike only made shoes for one team and the other people had to use all birds like you actually could maybe imagine that they wouldn't be as good right but then can ferrari not like see what the car is made out of um like what do they got that they can't do well my my understanding is uh they made changes to how the car can be constructed between last season and this season. So every team had to make adjustments to it.

And Red Bull made the best adjustments to the aerodynamics. It's like all underneath the car is faster than every other car. So the other teams can't really fix it until next season. Got it. So like, even if the race was just a 200 meter sprint, the Red Bull car would go faster. Maybe, but there are cars that have better straight line speed. So it's the whole package, the Red Bull car.

And then it's coupled with, they do have the best driver because Verstappen wins every race, but like Sergio Perez, who is, the Red Bull car. And then it's coupled with they do have the best driver because Verstappen wins every race. But like Sergio Perez, who is also in Red Bull, doesn't always come in second. And he has the same car. Yeah, the same car. And I mean, they both, I think they did a 1-2 at Spa and Verstappen beat Perez's time by like 13 seconds. And are like the quotes after the match or the race being like, yeah, he has a faster car. So we're not really that upset.

There are things that can happen in a race. They're kind of getting there. Yeah. They're like, what do you want from us? Yeah. They say things like he's operating on another planet. Like, no, we can't catch him. Is it instantly like he races off to a lead

like that's it he's gone he's in first he's never getting in spa he had like a grid penalty he started from like 14th or something and by lap 2 he was like fighting for the lead and then once he's in the lead it's over yeah once he's in the lead no one can catch him

but there are things that can happen like in this race, he was in the lead. He was in the lead by like 27 seconds or 17 seconds, you know, like an insurmountable lead.

Yeah. And a car died on the side of the road. So they had to go to a safety car where everyone has to reduce their speed and follow a safety car

and they tend to all bunch back up. And then it's about like who has the better tires and who can get a better restart. But the race didn't restart under the safety car. They ran out of time. So like there are ways that he could lose the race. It's just all, all of the brakes also seem to go his way. So he has the best car, he's the best driver. And then all of the, you know, the unpredictable stuff just works out in his favor.

So he's touched by God in a way too. Is he a good guy? It's definitely easier to portray him as a villain. I don't think he's a bad guy. I think he's – What does he look like? How old is he? He kind of looks like a villain.

He's 25? Yeah, he's young. Where is he from? The Netherlands and Belgium. He's 25? Yeah, he's a young. Where's he from? The Netherlands and Belgium. He's a young Dutchman. Oh, wow. He looks like, yeah, he looks like a billionaire. Yeah.

Christian Horner, the team principal from Red Bull, I think is kind of a sniveling dickling. So it's like they're an easy team to hate and Max is easy to hate because he wins every race. But I don't think. He looks like Luka Doncic. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Meets Jay Cutler meets Quasimodo. Not really, Quasimodo.

Yeah, because he sort of has this, not hunchback energy, but he definitely gives Quasi. He does. Who's the hot guy in Quasimodo? Who's the prince? That's what he looks like. It's Quasimodo, Esmeralda, and some other guy. Yeah, the guy that keeps him in the tower. Yeah, no, not the guy that keeps him in the tower.

Yeah. The sort of evil, the evil tower owner. Yeah. So people don't necessarily like this Verstappen character. A lot of people do like him. Oh, really? Yeah. I think that it makes racing a little less fun to just see him win every single week.

That's what happens in some sports where some guy gets too good and then it's like the backlash. Yeah. But it's fun to watch people like almost beat him. And I think it'd be really fun now to see some people beat him. But we haven't gotten to see that. Has he lost? I guess he hit seven in a row, right? Yeah.

There've been a couple races where like the Red Bull was having problems in the beginning of the season where like, you know, something like he lost power in the car, like the hydraulics failed. I can't remember exactly what, but like his, he basically, he either wins or does not finish. He doesn't like just come in second or third. And last year he wasn't this dominant. He was pretty dominant last year, but Lewis Hamilton from Mercedes also had a very good car. And they were kind of like trading wins and they had a major rivalry. But this year, there's just nobody that's competing with him.

Oh my God, he's my height. Is he really? He's 5'11". What? Well, not 5'6". Sorry. You give 5'6", the way he gives Quasimodo. And his birthday's coming up, too. Did you know that?

No. Yeah, he's turning 25 on September 30th. Wow, that's a race weekend. So he's 24 currently? He's 24. What race is on the 30th? Isn that's a race so he's 24 currently he's 24 what what race is on the 30th isn't there a race uh no the next race is october 2nd singapore singapore damn are you guys only doing the podcast during races yeah so yeah for now yeah it's not every week it's just whenever there is a race you guys yeah i wonder if you guys should do like a live react to like a live

stream version of it yeah i think we talked about doing that, but Casey has to host and engineer, edit, and post the episode. So it's kind of your call, but I'm game. That's really cool. It might be easier to just do everything live and then that's it. Our text thread is funnier while we're watching the race. So I'm for the live reaction aren't these dirt aren't these races like in the middle of the night though um they're on early in the morning so like you know i'm watching it at nine it's on at six a.m here singapore might be different i don't know

i think japan it'll be like 2 a.m here yeah and which is easier to handle for me personally than your night 5 a.m yeah see i when the the melbourne or the australian grand grand prix uh started at like 1 a.m and i was like oh i'll just stay up but then it's like 10 30 i'm like i'm i have nothing to do i have to go to bed and tell the race so you you fell asleep from 11 to 1? Yeah, and I set my alarm. I got up like, whoa, Jesus. Should I have oatmeal? Should I have a drink? I have no idea. Should I have a beer

or a coffee? Yeah. Or a Red Bull. It actually reminds me of the car you rented today. Tesla? The Tesla. Yeah. You said the car itself was too smart for you. Yeah. I'm too dumb to drive that car.

I hate that car. You're going to get a lot of flack in the comments, but I really don't like it. Well, it's maybe like cool because now like Musk has the backlash. Oh, okay. On the cutting edge of that. Yeah. I feel like everybody was being like, yeah, Musk is an asshole, but he's got a great product. And actually, I think the opposite. I think Musk is cool. Yeah. he's got a great product. The Tesla itself, yeah.

And actually, I think the opposite. I think Musk is cool. Yeah, he's the man. The car kind of sucks. Yeah. I really, yeah, I got upgraded at the Hertz rental car. They're like, do you want this Tesla? And I was like, because they're rolling it out.

And I was like, oh, fuck yeah, this is going to be awesome. And the way you have to drive it is like, I can't see out of, I can't see anything. Can't see out the back, forget it. Outside mirrors, I have no idea how to adjust them. Um, and if you put your signal on rather than like looking out the mirror, it just shows you a video of what is like a camera that's right. Even that was your mirror yeah yeah so the car is kind of asking you to just don't worry about you know seeing anything with your eyes we're showing you a video and we have sensors everywhere we'll tell you how fast and where you are in the lane everything and then like when you press the gas you go and when you ease up on the gas you break you break your press slows you to a

stop it's like pressing the brake marty said that is recharging the the battery like the power unit or something as you lift up but like basically in a regular car you press down on the gas you can take your foot off and you're still going forward this car press down on the gas if you lift your foot up at all you you start to stop. And like, forget about, you know, moving to the brake. Cause then you would just like grind.

You would stop very, very short. You're right. So I got car sick yesterday driving from the airport to the hotel. You got car sick in your own car because I was almost self driving to the point where you felt like a passenger. It's so smart. It feels when I drive my car, it feels like I'm driving it.

This, it felt like a shared responsibility. It was like me and the car working together to get to the hotel. Yeah. Cars went from like manual to automatic. And now this is the next iteration. Yeah. And I'm glad that I'll die out before things are fully self-driving. I think, I hope.

Yeah. It seems like it's happening already. Marty has a Tesla and he was showing me the self-driving functionality and like the car on the freeway he wasn't even touching this the steering wheel yeah it was just like keeping distance changing lanes and doing all that there and there's just so much shit like to to use the ac it's like a touch screen and you can kind of like swipe and be like oh the air is blowing this way now and here's like and now turning it lower it's like i don't care about that. Just like fucking, I want a button.

That makes it go on. Yeah. I'll control the fan. I don't need to like fucking. Have you seen the fart feature where it sort of does like a little toot? Yeah.

That's so dumb. It's like, it's supposed to be the coolest. Do you like that part but not the other parts? How are you supposed to trust a car with your life to like self-drive

and like avoid, you know, cars on the highway. It's like, oh, and also it'll for you. Yeah. That's fun. It's a whoopee cushion. Yeah.

How about you take this seriously? Because you're in charge of me being safe on the road. Yeah. Let's not toot at all, Elon. Remember the, some cars like in the early 90s had the seat belt that automatically went on oh yeah i hated that yeah absolutely it's kind of like it seems like tesla would have a cooler version of that they got rid of that though it seems like nothing has that yeah i think people like got strangled from it but yeah it's i mean they're a car to me is like i just need it to

turn on and i want to be able to drive to a place. And this is like, it's just so many features that it's a little overwhelming and I'm not interested in learning any of them. Is it very quiet? Yeah, it's utterly silent. I have no idea if it's ever on or off. Would you be interested in a non-Tesla electrical vehicle? No, because I don't have any, like in the city, I don't have a parking garage or like, you know, an off street parking place where I could charge. So, and I know you can like go to a charging station and like, but I don't know. You got to be there for a little bit.

Yeah, I'm not, I don't want to do that at all. You should be able to charge your battery at home and then slide it into a Tesla. Yeah, and maybe that would be more interesting. At the very least, I'm interested in like a more hybrid car that gets better gas mileage. Right. But you still need to pump it up full of gas. Yeah. And until I can have a car that I can actually just, I don't know, there's another way to

charge the battery rather than me like running a power cord out into the street. Yeah. People are doing that here. There's like, I'm like tripping over extension cords that go from somebody's house to like the sidewalk. I want to live in the world that runs on electric cars, but we aren't doing a clean enough job of it yet. Yeah. You know how like you can charge your phone by putting it on a pad?

Yeah. They should have a pad the size of a car. See, that would be awesome. If like the, if parking spots would just charge your car. Yeah. Nice. I like that. Actually, I've been DMing with Elon and that could be one of the few things that I bring up to him.

Cool. I had an idea. What are your other ideas? Well, I've been asking for like. one of the few things that I bring up to him. Cool. I had an idea. What are your other ideas? Well, I've been asking him for like, yeah, I've been asking him for, I'm trying to sell feet pics. So it's not really an idea for Tesla. You're just trying to get a picture of his feet. Him in a thong sandal. And now I'm like, but maybe if I have the.

Is that a business idea? You're selling them where? Or do you just have a foot fetish? I'm selling feet pictures of famous people on 8chan. I see. But I'm saying now that I have his ear... Do you have his ear? He hasn't responded yet.

Do you have his toe? I have Elon's foot on the line and I can reel him in. All right, let's take another break, answer some more questions after these messages. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah.

Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, you save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Yes, we are launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Yes, we are. Seriously, man. Okay. You can't be on your phone during the podcast. I wasn't on my phone during the podcast.

I was on my phone during the break, and you brought us back in really fast. Abruptly. Yeah. Actually, speaking of really fast and abrupt, this guy's writing style makes it sound like he's in a lot of, I guess, an emergency situation. His, just the subject of his email is, in all caps, advice would be helpful right about now. All right.

He's stuck somewhere. He's sort of mad at us. Here's the situation. There's a girl I like, but I feel as though I don't have a chance with her. All right. Help. That's it? No, there's more. We're kind of

friends, but we're friends in a way that when I hang out with my group of friends, she's usually there, but we never talk one-on-one. I feel as though I should get closer to her and open up to her, but I don't think I have many similar interests, so I find it hard to converse with her. This is also caused by how I usually don't talk to her,

so it's weird if I start now. She's kind of nerdy, and I am too a little bit, but less so. Okay. But I never really got into things like D&D and stuff she's interested in. That said, I have to say I'm pretty dull all around. I sit around

and watch Netflix all day and play casual mobile games. Shout out to Backbone. The thing about getting close to her as a friend, her closer friend who she hangs out with, told her he likes her. She said she wasn't interested. All this comes with a few questions like, how do I approach her without being weird? Is there no chance with me and her? Do I get into what she's into? How do I become a more interesting and charismatic person? Just those light questions.

And if you could answer them in the order they were received, that would be greatly appreciated. I mean, you nailed it with the second aspect of this, which is get into the things that she's into. I mean, ideally, you're doing that in a real way. Like, you know, but it sounds like you don't have any hobbies that you really enjoy. You called yourself dull. That's a hard one to have no hobbies. Yeah. Because I know someone with a few hobbies, like I like basketball and a few things, but if I just didn't like sports, and then I also didn't like movies or music, what's left at that point? There's a million, there's so many things that are left you just have

to get out there and try to yeah you have to try to explore yeah you have to accidentally do something yeah and i think even so let's actually back up even further uh says he has no hobbies he's not interested in anything except casual gaming so let's let's break the mold there yeah because then you get into anything doesn't even have to be what she's interested in, but you'll feel more confident. You'll feel more interesting. You will have something to talk about even if it's not something she likes. Yes. You don't have to like the same thing to have an interesting conversation.

Right. So step one, before you worry about how to approach this person, let's fix the root cause of the insecurity, which is I think you need to have a hobby. You got to get a hobby. Get a hobby. Figure out what you like to do slash see. Yeah. Even watching movies is a hobby. It is.

You're a cinephile. That's right. A deep dive into Kubrick, for example, turns you into a casual Netflix watcher to someone who has an opinion on a specific thing. Then you're watching with a purpose. Yes. So get into something. And it can't just be The Office reruns. That's not a hobby.

Yeah. That's a break from your hobby. And it's fine to watch The Office reruns too. What about if you take the casual mobile gaming one step further and you become an intense fucking Twitch streamer, that way you're turning a light hobby into something more substantial. There you go. Yeah. That's another thing. Yeah.

But it's hard to fake. Like if it's not deep into your bones interesting to you, you can never get into it. Yeah. And then the other thing is like how do I just talk to her? It get into it. Yeah. And then the other thing is like, how do I just talk to her? It'll be weird. It's like, it's actually, it's only going to be weird if you talk to her and tell her you're into her after not talking to her at all. And you actually might not be as into her as you even think because you actually haven't spoken to her. Right. Advice would be helpful right about now. We're giving him a lot of advice. Okay. So yeah, I think let's not worry about the outcome that you want, which is you maybe want to be romantically involved with this person.

Yeah. Let's just worry about creating any relationship with her now because she hangs out with your friends, but you don't speak to her. Try speaking to her. That's step one. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be towards the goal of being romantic. Just speak with her to be her friend because you're hanging out in a group of friends and it might be actually a little rude that you're not talking to her. So talk to her about her

interests and you don't have to share them to be interested in them. Yeah. But you can sort of find out what those interests are. Then, you know, give them a spin, a test run yourself. Yeah. But you can sort of find out what those interests are then, you know, give them a spin, a test run yourself. Yeah, because now you're in the market for a new hobby. Maybe you could talk to her about that. I'm in the market for a new hobby if you have anything, crochet or anime. Not really a hobby, but... I'm into craisins recently, you know, cranberry raisins.

Yeah, you're right. That's not a hobby. I've been dehydrating fruit is all. That's a hobby. While buying it. Consuming it. Fruit leather. Fruit pleather.

Fruit canvas. And burlap. Unrelated to fruit. There's a bag on the wall. I've gotten into home decor. Good shit. If you had to choose a hobby completely unrelated to what you do now, like pretend all your hobbies were off the table.

Okay. What would you choose and when? Wow. You have to choose a new hobby. It's hard not to just think about any of that. I guess a theme of my hobbies is that they're all active i like i've heard people really love pickleball but i'm not that interested in trying it hmm that's a really good question i love it what about pickling pickling that's a hobby yeah i guess romantically the ones that i've liked are like trying to become more like hands-on and like DIY.

So maybe if I had no hobbies, like I wasn't going surfing or biking. Like build a table or some shit. Or just like, you know, I'd go around my house and be like, oh, I like would like to see if I can improve this thing. DIY. Yeah. You know, just like small little projects. Yeah. Small projects that I'm like normally I'd pay somebody to power wash my front yard.

But like, no, maybe I'll get a power washer and see how that works. That's cool. Look into it. Yeah. Something like that. Me, I wouldn't be able to choose. That's just not a fair question. Fine.

Let's move on. Thank you so much for writing in, everybody. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. All my hobbies are true to me to my soul and to say you said you liked basketball

who would I be if I didn't like basketball it wouldn't be me anymore man the fact that you have an answer to that question ideally you would choose a hobby that makes you not you no one likes you you're not true to yourself because you can just power washing. Nice.

Oh, everybody. Jake will fucking change who he is on the drop of a hat. That's the golden mic for you. You finally stood up for yourself. Holy shit. Yeah. Ooh, dropped glasses that's a little disruptive

I didn't like the way you made it such a meal of it thinking about rescinding revoking usually you're not supposed to do this we're almost I feel like this is the end of the episode

yeah okay yeah no it's your the golden mic is yours for standing up for yourself wow yeah

I had no idea that's all it took it's just confidence 500 something I'm literally getting choked up yeah well try to bring

the episode home because I feel like what you're doing now is so disruptive. I don't want it to end. If that makes sense. This feeling has to last. You're talking so slow. Let's find another question. Oh, you're derailing the show.

The award is about excellence in podcasting, so let's land the plane gently. Let's just bring it home. You earn the award. Stick the landing, Blumenfeld. Mission accomplished. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. watching the last episode of our podcast. Really, it's going to be over now. I think I have to go out on a high note. This is why you've never won the award. This is why I'm rescinding the award. It is being revoked. It is being revoked. Why?

Never in history has someone earned it and lost it in an episode. Right, because you've always won it. And I win it now for protecting its sanctity. Let's close this out. Thanks so much for watching, everybody. If you did watch over on the If I Were You YouTube, thanks for listening. Remember to rate and subscribe. We've got a ton of other content out there over on our Patreon,

patreon.com slash J-A. Let's thank that artist who submitted a theme song who was me. I am the lead man, the front man of the band, Fade On Shuffle. Why don't we take it out with the second half of that song. Shout out to Gareth O'Connor, who is my bandmate. And shout out to you, who is taking home the 538th

turdy. A record that I do know will stand the test of time. And stand the test of rhyme. Thanks for listening. I respect you. We've been doing it our own way Down is where we want to stay Look at them looking at us Front of the class, back of the bus.

But since when did we even care if they looked past us or if they stare? Cause all we need's a bunch of weed, joints to smoke, munchies to feed. I've never smoked, but I'm down to try. If I inhale too much, are you sure I won't die? Down and out, what's that about? You can count on them to count us out But all year we've been doing it our own way Down is where we wanna stay

Let's drink a toast to a life of crime Bottoms up for my first time If this isn't fucked up, I don't know what is No, for real though, I don't know what is I think I'm drunk, I know I'm stoned Someone help me, take me home I stole my mom's wine and I drank it in the park, but I gotta get back home before it gets dark. Down and out, what's that about?

You can count on them to count us out, but all year we've been doing it our own way. Outro Music Cheese to feed I talk to heaven I bump to binge Or an edible snack From the fridge Cause all we need is a bunch of me Do you like to snort more cheese to feed I talk to heaven I bump to binge Or an edible snack

From the fridge Down and out, what's that about? You can count on them to count us out But all year we've been doing it our own way Down is where we wanna stay down and out what's that about you can count

on them to count us out for all year we've been doing it our own way down is where we wanna stay We've been doing it our own way. Down is where we want to stay.

Cause all we need is a boat to eat. Droids to smoke for a cheese to feed. A toast to hell on a boat to pitch. Or an edible snack from the fridge That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them.

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