Segments - 56: Phrontistery

Episode Date: November 25, 2024

In this episode we discuss fake tweets, real questions, and three equally amazing poems.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Hedgum Original. time only. Only positive motivations, they swear! Seconds Another podcast Seconds Each app different from the last Seconds It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes Now let's Meet your two emphatic hosts

Seconds Woo! Were you doing the Trump dance? I think so. I've never seen it. I've only seen a picture and then I read an article about it and I thought it was really funny that he has, it is like this, right? Yeah, he sort of gyrates syncopado style to YMCA and other songs. And now NFL players are doing it as a celebration.

Why? Because a lot of them are sort of right-winged MAGA heads and now they feel emboldened to sort of celebrate a new normal amongst the popular voters. It's funny that a president has a signature dance. Yeah, that's probably the 30 voters. It's funny that a president has a signature dance. Yeah, that's probably the 30 hundredth weird thing. I didn't have that on my 2024 bingo card. But yes, I did have two assassination attempts.

I had that. I had the freestands. I also had G19, because part of it is just regular bingo. Right, so I did, I do have a diagonal, and I am yelling bingo. Actually, speaking of silly jokes, this is a perfect segue into our first segment. Which is a surprise to me.

This podcast, yeah, this is a surprise segment for our podcast segments. At this point, you guys are caught up. It's a podcast of varying segments, some of them surprises, Some of them surprises. Some of them we plan ahead of time. This one I planned ahead of time, but I didn't tell you about.

Okay. And you are so excited to get into it that you want to do it first. You're thrilled. Is it a mystery guest? No, it's sort of a mystery text. Interesting, okay. It's a mystery test, not a mystery guest.

Love it. So you recently deactivated your Twitter account, right? That's right. But as we all know the internet Doesn't forget. That's right. The internet lives on so I'm gonna be reading you some tweets that I tweeted either you tweeted 15 years ago or I made up in a segment. We like to call Mystery test. I think I'm going to get 100% of these because I tweeted so infrequently

that I think I labored over each one. But you have to realize a lot of these are over 13 years old. Okay. Okay. Let's start with this one. Yeah. Thanks to everyone who tweeted me happy birthday, kind of bullshit. You didn't get me a gift, but I definitely appreciate the tweeting as well.

Okay. That just, I don't have a full recollection of this, but that just sounds like my voice a lot for the time. So I'm going to go ahead and say yes. That's a real tweet. That is correct. You tweeted that on your 26th birthday, August 5th, 2011, but it's good that it doesn't ring familiar to you.

Yeah. I guess that's setting the tone. Yeah. Here's another one. Okay. Another year, another nothing to be thankful for. And for that I am thankful. Oh And for that, I am thankful. Oh shit.

No, that's you. Yes, correct, that's me. Yeah, I would never. My jokes were always too earnest, weren't they? I guess that first one wasn't that earnest. Yeah. As a rule, anytime I'm at a party hosted by Mark McGrath and he says into the microphone, this will be the best night of your lives. I leave.

That's correct. And that was what was that party? It was I was in Las Vegas for two nights for a Sobe sponsorship. They did a College Humor sponsored video, Sobe at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit party or something. And yeah, me and David Young on the red carpet interviewing, wait, what? Chrissy Teigen, is that her name? Yeah, that's a person.

Yeah, we interviewed her and I don't know, maybe like a Brooklyn Decker type, something like that. Yeah. And then the after party, I believe it might've been at the Hard Rock, but wherever it was, it was hosted by Mark McGrath. And there were like booths of bikini models and executives, and I was wearing vans and baggy jeans,

I was like, what am I doing here? So Mark McGrath did say that into the microphone. He did say that into a microphone. And you did say, get me the hell out of here. And I was like, I don't belong here, I can't be here. Honestly though, I must have been, what year was that? That was 2012. If that was 2013, I would have stayed

and it would have been awesome. Damn it, you're one year off. I know. Wanna know a really great song to listen to while you walk down the street? I already know it. Lightning crashes. It really gets you pumped.

I know it is lightning crashes. It really gets you pumped. I remember, I remember, I mean, I have such a vivid memory of this day. I was walking from the College Humor office on Park Avenue to Grand Central to take the train, to take the Metro North back to New Haven. Lightning, all my feeling call me back again. Yeah.

It's such a slow build and you're walking towards 42nd street, of course. Uh, perfect day out. And it's just, yeah, it really did. I was, yeah. Well, I think I was thinking about how much it pumped me up and I was like, I have to share this with other people. Other people have to feel the euphoria that I just felt. H-A-D-T-Y, happy abbreviation day to you.

No. Correct, that one is me. All right, they're gonna get a little harder, are they? Yeah, unless you actually remember tweeting these things from 15 years ago. Note to self, stop getting orange juice at brunch. Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah. I think I did tweet that just because I have

an anti-or orange juice feeling. You know, I always have. Correct. You then go on to say it's always more expensive than you think. Also start caring about more important things. Interesting. What a weird, that's a pretty bad tweet, but it's a good take. It's a very good take.

Yeah, not even fresh squeezed, huh? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, like, let's say toss some orange juice on there. Oh my God, it was $4, which was a lot for the time. Now nine, yeah. All right, ready? Yeah. Two hung over to tweet, nevermind.

That's good. And because it's good, I think it was you. Correct. I was trying to get into your not getting orange juice at brunch brain. Yeah, yeah. My party lifestyle. But you forgot that my tweets mostly weren't funny. Yeah.

And that one was pretty funny. Ramapo, Amir and I are in you tonight. Not like that, but also kind of like that. That's not bad, but also kind of like that. That is kind of like a thirst trap tweet. Like I'm at Ramapo with you trying, in our live show script, we made the joke Ram-po-po instead of Ram-po-po. And I still sometimes think Ram-po-po. Yeah. And it's like a college in New Jersey, right?

I think so. I believe we might've even taken the path or maybe like the NJ Transit there. Um, and I think that's the way it is. I think that's the way it is. I think so. I believe we might've even taken the path or maybe like the NJ Transit there. But did you tweet about it? I think I did. Amir and I are in you tonight, not like that,

but also kind of like that. Yeah. That was me earlier today. Wow. You got one wrong. That's really cool. I was able to achieve your voice. That's really good. Good job.

Are you ready for the final two? Yeah, wait, I wanna look at this Ramapo. I have an eight page script from our Ramapo show that I wanna look at later, but we can move on. So you got me once. Deep dive. Yeah, fool me once, shame on you. All right.

There's two left. Okay. Who's to say whether they're real or not? Call me right now. 555 hyphen fake number. No. Correct. That one was me.

All right, last one. Last one probably was me. Let's just go ahead and say yes. Okay. I'll read it now, but you're locked into yes. Yeah. Anyone out there coming to College Rumor Live at George Mason tonight, I need to know

so I can start getting excited or get off this train. Oh yeah, that sounds like me for sure. That's a yes. Correct. That one is true. George Mason. We did a, George Mason. I. Correct! That one is true. George Mason. We did a shh. George Mason.

I don't even know where that is. I think it's like in Virginia somewhere. That sounds about right. George Mason. Does that sound more like you than the Ramapo tweet that I made up? I guess now that I think about it, but also kind of like that is pretty good.

And I don't think they might, they weren't funny at all so I think I should have just used that as a barometer if it was a decent tweet it was you and if it was nothing then it was me I don't know I mean thanks to anyone who tweeted happy birthday kind of bullshit you didn't get me a gift is pretty good not bad I also had a tweet that I remember being panned was what's the deal with boat shoes? They're not boats and they're not weight, they're shoes.

Too hungover to tweet nevermind, but that one you instantly knew was me. Yeah, because that was that's a really good joke to me. If I had thought of that, I would remember forever. You need to fucking post these to Blue Sky is what I'm trying to tell you. I have to get on Blue Sky. What am I waiting for? It's like Twitter from 20, 2006 reinvented for today. Yeah, I think the idea of me starting a new,

like there's nothing further, I'm like waffling between should I delete all social media or not? Not like, this one's bad, I have to sign up for a new one. Yeah. I don't think so. I don't think I'm gonna do that. Are you down to just Instagram at this point?

Well, I deleted Instagram. I go back and forth with deleting Instagram. I just, I deleted Instagram. I go back and forth with deleting Instagram. I just, I haven't deactivated it or anything, but it's not on my phone. And Twitter is deactivated and hasn't been on my phone since 2016. So you can't even go to Twitter.com. Yeah, now when I go to Twitter.com,

which is something I used to do every once in a while, just like a new tab, you know, like out of boredom, I would, I would see something and it, and more often than not in the last few months, it was just Elon Musk's tweets, which I don't really like reading. So I was like, all right, I really have to not do that. And it was, it was, I don't miss it. I sometimes, sometimes will command T and then press T and like I'm gonna go to Twitter,

but then I realize, oh, there's nothing there and I stop. And I realize it's called X now. Yeah, you don't even go to tweet T. Straight to X.com. On my burner phone. And then last question, in Chicago, I gave you the gray scale hack, make your phone in black and white mode

so that you're less excited by going to it. That's right. And you did it, but did you keep it that way? It's not grayscale right now, and it's because our daughter is very into watching videos of herself sometimes, and she's sick. So to help to like, you know, she's more frustrated now than usual, so to like calm her down,

I've been showing her some videos, so I took it off. But I did leave it on, well, we left Chicago on Friday. I think I left it on basically through the weekend. And did it, was it helpful? Yeah, yeah. And especially because I don't have any social media anymore on my phone. Like I was, I was just finding something to look at.

You know, I was like, all right, there's no Instagram. There's no Twitter. There's no Facebook. There's no like social. So I'll just like, okay, I'll obsessively go to the Tottenham Reddit and see what's happening with the team. But I was like, I guess Reddit is your new social media.

Like you're just tracking Twitter and Instagram through Reddit or something. Yeah, which is another thing that I wanna stop because for some reason, I think that Reddit is like above all of those because it kind of filters out all of the social media to the one thing that I wanna see. But yeah, it's democratic.

Yeah, but now I'm realizing that most of the most popular Reddits are like, am I overreacting or am I an asshole? And everybody is overreacting and they're also the asshole. It's like not that fun to read. So I'm trying to stop doing that too. And then I've been just going to New York Times to see what's happening in the news. And I'm like, why?

So the gray really helped me do that. It kind of like makes me question why I'm looking at my phone. Because it's so much less enjoyable that it's like, is whatever I'm looking at worth it? And the answer is no. It's basically less notifications. This is one of the reasons people look at their phone less.

It's like when you see the red dot of how many messages, how many emails, I've got to clear that. Oh, a new thing's coming in. Yeah, yeah. But the problem is always that, because my phone has like trained me to be uninterested by my surroundings, I'm like picking my head up for the first time

and I'm immensely bored by the world. So I need to. Even though it's New York City, which is ostensibly even almost better than an Instagram of somebody who baked a cake. It's true. I'll be like looking at my phone driving over the Koshushka bridge and I'll look up and

I'll just see like the gorgeous Manhattan skyline with also a cemetery underneath. So it's really fucking reminding me of my mortality and to take it all in. But then I'm like, but I do. Who was on Kelly Clarkson? I want to see if any Tottenham players scored for their international squads. What was the lineup for Wales? And they are playing today.

They're playing in 15 minutes. Yeah, and I want to know if Ben Davis and Brennan Johnson are going to be in the lineup and they're going to beat Iceland because it actually matters to me. I don't know why. All right, let's take a break. That's the end of my personal segment. We'll come back with another segment after these messages. Cool.

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All right, we're returned back. Like better than ever. That is correct. And speaking of returning, how about the return of if I were you? That's right. I went through our old podcasts, submission questions to try to find a question that we never answered.

I'm not a hundred percent sure that we've never answered this. So maybe you'll remember it, but it was never forwarded to me. It was never marked as anything. It is from July 18th, 2018. Oh my God, that's literally my 35th and a half birthday. Isn't that crazy? That's nuts. I wonder if it references that or something.

They don't mention it. Let's go ahead and give this person a fake name to preserve their anonymity. Wow, old school. Okay, is it a boy or a girl? A boy. We'll call him Jerome Aboise. Jerome Aboise writes, hey guys, love the show. You guys are chill AF.

That's funny. So 2018, as an 18 year old male, I am obviously a very experienced masturbator. I probably yank the old chain once per day on average. However, I have since come to realize through several convos with friends over the years that the way in which I beat my meat is very different from most people. Yeah. Does this ring a bell to you at all?

No, but it does strike a chord in me because I was thinking recently about how nobody really teaches you how to wipe or masturbate. So everybody must be doing it completely separately and we just don't necessarily know what the average way to do it is. I remember in like high school or something, you know, on one of those early internet forums being like, do you wipe standing up or sitting down? And I was like, God, can you imagine wiping sitting down? That's bizarre.

And my friend next to me was like, what are you talking about? I wiped standing. You're weird. Yeah. And now I've adopted the new method. There's no reason to stand up and wipe. I don't know why anyone was doing that.

What were you thinking? I don't know. I wanted to smush the poop between my cheeks. Squeeze it out like I was popping the zit. Yeah, okay. First, jack off. I only yerk it when my dick is flaccid. Secondly, I have only ever jerked off while in a lying down position, usually on my back.

Apparently, most people crank it while in a sitting position and while rock hard. I mean, how the fuck was I supposed to know? It's not like there's a class for how to jerk off. You just kind of figure it out on your own, which is exactly what I did. Over the years, I have tried a couple times to jerk off in the quote normal way without success. So far, my method of punching the clown has worked just fine, but now I'm running into a problem.

I will soon be heading off to college in another state where I will likely share a room with one to three people. I realized that it's going to be much harder, pun intended, we know, to crank the snake on my bed like I am accustomed to. How the hell am I going to jerk off in college? Is there a way that I can still jerk off the way I am used to? If not, how do I learn how to masturbate while sitting and erect? Also, is the way I jack off super weird or have you guys heard of people doing it this way? Please help me out.

Jerome Aboise. Aboise, yeah. Have you heard of people doing it this way is funny. Yeah, a kid two towns over does it this way. Right. The doing it soft feels anatomically incorrect. Like that's, you legally can't do that. The sitting up and lying down is nothing.

Like that I'm like, all right. That's dealer's choice. But the, how do you do it if you're soft? That part I really don't understand. Yeah, you cannot, I don't think you can. I think by definition, you have to do it from a hardened position. Maybe he's talking about when it starts.

Like I'm not even gonna touch my penis until it's hard from something else. But I don't think you can ejaculate a glass of dip. Maybe it's just like, yeah, everybody is hard, but he's saying, I am not hard and I use my hand to get hard. And he thinks other people are like, no, I sit down and I'm rock hard.

But the way he talks about being rock hard and he's like not even saying that, I don't know. Straight up, I would maybe go to a doctor. You can have this conversation with a doctor. But as for the, how to do it when you're surrounded by people, you have to do it basically either in complete silence while they're there, but you're not, you know, you can't.

Wow, did you do that in college? No, what I would do is do it in the shower. Yeah, I think, I mean, what I would do was- Or when nobody was in the room. Yeah, first of all, this guy is talking about having one to three roommates, which is so different. Four room. One roommate, there's not gonna be an issue.

I had one roommate, I memorized his schedule, I knew it better than mine because that was when I could masturbate. Best weekend of the year was when his grandma died and he went home to New Jersey for like three days. And I was just like, yeah, I'm skipping class to spend the entire time jerking off this weekend. You've had class on the weekend?

I guess I skipped social engagements. Little sadder for sure. Yeah, you also rarely went to class. Yeah, I skipped the classes to jerk off when he was around. Yeah, you also rarely went to class. Yeah, I skipped the classes to jerk off when he was around. A lot, yeah. Yeah, right. Regardless of the grandmother situation.

I guess so. But yeah, I think you just- Now I'm starting to think you killed the grandmother. I think you just kind of like, you find the time, like whether you're lying down or sitting up, you find a time alone, whether you're lying down or sitting up, you find a time alone, but you won't be able to do it in the shower.

Though to be fair, standing up is closer to lying down than sitting down, wouldn't you say? Standing up is closer to lying down than sitting down. Because you're both completely vertical, just in the horizontal one, you're straightened out. Whereas in the seated position, you're angular. So if you have to be completely flat and flaccid to jerk off, you can just lean up,

back up all the way against the shower stall so your head is against the wall. I wonder if it's just the bend because maybe you could like, if the shower is small enough you know, you put your toes against one side and then you lean, you lean all the way back with your back against the other side. It's kind of like a dead man's lean.

We had coed bathrooms at Berkeley. Showers and toilets. Men and women shared it together. I remember that from Boy Meets World. He went to Berkeley and that happened? I think they went to Berkeley. Wherever they went, they had co-ed bathrooms. Yeah, kind of rare. Yeah, it is.

I think that seems kind of, like, it would be a lot for me as an 18 year old. Yeah, you go into the bathroom to shower and there's like a girl getting out of the shower and you're going to take a shit. Yeah, that seems really weird. It's very like, it's like, this is how you did as a family. You would see your sister and blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, okay, but these aren't like my siblings. Like I don't wanna be partially nude. Do you think they still have the co-ed bathrooms? I would think so. It's like their thing. Now it seems like they've gotten even more progressive. Yeah. Right. Let's see.

UC Berkeley co-ed bathrooms. UC Berkeley co-ed bathrooms. Did you know that there was a famous porn shot in my dorm? Oh yeah. I think you told me. It wasn't famous to me. But I guess I kind of remember the early days of like Kazaa or Morpheus or whatever,

when you could start downloading things from the internet, there were porn videos that would be infamous. There was one from, wait what was it? What was yours? Maybe that was the one I was thinking of. Mine was called the Putnam porn because we lived in Putnam Hall and it was this kid who hired a prostitute

and had sex with her on camera and their friends like all knew about it and they uploaded it to the internet and it became kind of a viral sensation. It was like two doors down for me. Wow. It was the first thing I was really, truly known for. That was what spawned being famous.com.

It looks like there is still co-ed bathrooms at UC Berkeley. Okay, good on them. And then have we heard of people cranking it like that? I guess I've heard of, I don't really ask people, that's the thing, like you never know what the, even your closest friends are jerking off. Sitting, laying, standing.

My friend group, we used to like, I don't even know how true it was, but people would talk about having different like hand positions and you know, you use your right hand or your left hand. And like, I think I knew somebody that said they use something like the claw where they're like trying to make their fingers into the shape of an orifice or an opening or something yeah like pre-fleshlight sort of puppetry and then

there was I feel like there was also like maybe it was just internet jokes but about like sitting on your hand till it goes numb and then jerking off so it feels like it's it's somebody else doing it. The stranger, yeah. Yeah, the stranger. Yeah, yeah. The stranger. Then they're sitting on your dick until that goes numb.

So it feels like you're jerking somebody else off. That's this guy's method. Yeah. Are you righty or lefty? That's really uncouth. It's pretty invasive and I'm not gonna answer. So lefty, interesting, me too, because it feels so weird

because we do everything else with our right hand. Maybe that's why you usually go oppo taco. Like you're using the opposite hand. Most righties use lefts to jerk it. No, but that's a theory I'm trying to start here. Yeah, I guess that's, I mean, it feels like that's the, something that would be like with the advent of internet pornography,

where you want your dominant hand for like, holding the thing. Yeah. Tap, like, yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Right, exactly. That could even be pre-internet. It's like holding the magazine, holding the book, holding the whatever. Right, I wonder if kids that will grow up

with like the metaverse glasses to jerk off, if they'll use, if you're using VR, that's fascinating. That's very fascinating. I can ride my bike with no handlebars. With no handlebars. Yeah. And then one other thing I wanted to ask was, oh yeah, I had a friend who jerked off on his back

and then put like paper towels on his stomach. Jerked off on, oh, I could see that. I could see that. Yeah. Sort of like exploding onto yourself. So I feel like there's no, nobody teaches you how to do this. So nobody kind of does it the exact same way. Yeah.

Yeah, I also, I think that I, when I was younger, I was like a little, like, I don't know, I was pretty resourceful. So like it's, I didn't need to be in a certain position to jerk off. I just needed five minutes and I would figure it out. Yeah, you're MacGyver. Yeah.

I just need a matchstick box. Right. And some mayonnaise. I'm gonna be alone for 45 seconds? Okay, I think I could not. Looking around the room like fucking Kaiser Sose. Like a squirrel. Yeah.

Yeah, so wait, we're supposed to give advice. This is if I were you segment. Oh yeah, shower is my advice. Do it in the shower, do it when nobody's in the room. With the dead man's team. Yeah, and then there's no wrong way to eat a rhesus, you know? You do you.

Right. It's a secret only you know about. I agree. Much like wiping. I do think you should maybe talk to somebody about the flaccid nature of it all because you don't wanna have like ED. Like there might be a way to figure out the flaccidness. We should respond to this guy.

Hey, I know it's been six years, but did you really mean ejaculate from complete flaccidity? We should have him as a guest nextidity. That doesn't seem possible. Holy shit, it's Baron Trump. What the fuck? God, that'd be awesome. There's no way. Wanna feel old?

This guy who wrote in is now 24. That's still young. Yeah, it's still pretty young actually. Right. Now that I think about it. Yeah. All right, segment over. Yep.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our program. Day one. Yeah. Day one sponsor alert. I mean, we've been using Squarespace for years and years and years. And we love them.

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For example, Jake, what's available right now? Like if you wanted to start a blog, you could start the Bloomin' Files at bloominfiles.com. If you wanted to be some kind of like reporter. Keep my last name out your freaking mouth. Actually, I was surprised when I found that goodtoilets.com was available. Oh.

Imagine a directory of all the good toilets in town. Right, if you can't afford a great toilet. Just a good toilet. Just a good one will do. And not one, but multiple. Yeah. Goodtoilets.com. That's nice for a guest bathroom, a powder room.

Exactly. You know? So. You don't have to break the bank. Just something that'll get a guest bathroom, a powder room. Exactly. You don't have to break the bank. Just something that'll get the job done. You get it. So I had to- Just a nice, good toilet. Doesn't have to be anything ultra fancy.

We don't need it toto. It could be a quarter bath. Yeah. And that's fine. A half cooler, yes. Just, even if it's a urinal, that's still a good toilet. I will say the toilet that confused me recently are like one drop and two drops.

I'm just always pressing both. I don't wanna have to do the fucking math to figure out what that was. Well, the one drop, the- It's for like pee pee and you know, it's for duty for sure. Yeah, but really the best way to save water is to just let the yellow.

I hear that, but then I also see that that's also not good for your toilet. Probably not. The calcium, the rust, the lime of it all. Yeah, well I just remember when we were living in LA, now I'm getting really verbose in an act, right? Do you remember the drought when they told us to stop flushing the toilets though?

Yes, they told me to stop showering, they told me to stop flushing, we were stinking for a year from then to firemen. Why don't you stop watering the almonds? Okay, that's what's really doing it. Anyway, you can go to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code SEGMENTS to save 10%

off your first purchase of a website or domain. Gorgeous. That's squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash segments to save 10%. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. All right, let's get our heads out of the gutter. That's right. Let's talk about something beautiful. The written word.

I can't just. The spoken poem. Just fucking talk about cranking it and yanking it. Yeah. We're fucking 53 and 49. I wanna hear something beautiful. Let's read some poetry. Right, so we did poetry or no poetry at our Chicago live show. So you already know which poem I wrote.

But I'm like, why do we just burn it at a live show, 300 some odd people listen to it and then nobody else ever? I mean, I wrote a fucking poem. We should have it exposed to a wider audience. That's true, I love that for you. So maybe I'll read these three poems. You can go back into what you were thinking at the time, what you did guess.

I'll spoil it a little that says you didn't guess correctly. That is right. And also, if you're playing at home, try to figure out which poem is mine. Okay, read them in the same order too. Okay, same order, same poems, play along at home. Yes please.

And don't lie and say, I thought you wrote this specific one. It's not worth it. I wanna know the God's honest truth. Okay, let's start with number one, which is called Frontistery frontistery Which is kind of a unique word. It's spelled p.h. Oh p.h. Are o n t i s t e r y frontistery

Greetings from the frontistery where words deny their mystery an An air-gonaut and balloonist wife commit to rough an airborne life, an aqua-bibe a water-drinker, shrugging off libes n' harder liquor. The lucky man sits bone-a-fate, the courageless b-balsitate. Regale with tale of daring dew, defined the lines, twixt me and you. Of future kind and history, not all can bear front history." Again the word is front history. And now for something completely different.

The Approach of Winter. The half-stripped trees, struck by a wind together, bending all, the leaves flutter dryly and refuse to let go, or driven like hail, stream bitterly out to one side and fall, where the salvia's hard carmine, like no leaf that ever was, edged the bare Garden. Poem the third. Landscape with the Fall of Icarus. According to Bruegel, when Icarus fell it was spring. A farmer was plowing his field.

The whole pageantry of the year was awake, tingling near. The edge of the sea sea concerned with itself, sweating in the sun that melted the wing's wax. Unsignificantly off the coast there was a splash, quite unnoticed. This was Icarus drowning. Okay, I'm going to give everybody at home a few moments to think the poems again were frontist-y. The Approach of Winter and the, what was the last one? Icarus.

Oh, uh. Landscape with the Fall of Icarus. Landscape with the Fall of Icarus. So try to really define which one you thought. Don't just say, I think it's this one, but it might be this one. Well, so. Harness a fucking guess.

Yeah. Be courageous for once. All right, now lock in your guesses and I'll go through my thought process. Yeah. Thought process was, I believe I said this first. I said, front history was awful, but I didn't think you'd have the gall to read a Jabberwocky style nonsense poem. And it rhymed. Yeah. And it rhymed. It was just kind of,

and it was so different than the other two. I was like, this is a red herring. The approach of winter moved me. So I knew instantly that you did not write the approach of winter. Edge of the Bear Garden. Even though that's sort of my MO when thinking of things, it's like, oh, it's cold here, it's gonna be cold, the winter's coming.

That's sort of a theme I thought you would think I would write. And I would when you first said it, but as soon as you said that last line, like my soul stirred and I was like, no, he didn't write that. So I eliminated that one first. And then that brought me to-

Like no leaf that ever was edged the bear garden, that's the one? Yeah. Yeah. That's the line that gave it away. It's a good line. And then I was like, okay, so it's between front history

and landscape with the fall of Icarus. And I was like, I think the fall of Icarus has like, it read almost like somebody was, it's almost like you went to the Wikipedia for Icarus and you were just like telling the tale. And then there were two- A Greek myth of a guy who flew too close to the sun. Yeah.

There were two parts of it that I was like, this isn't really a good poem. The edge of the sea concerned with itself. I was like, that just seems like somebody trying to be poetic and it doesn't really mean anything. The edge of the sea is concerned with itself. And then also, insignificantly, there was a splash quite unnoticed.

I'm like, that's redundant. Yeah. So I was like, this is, it's a wannabe. This is a, it's a poser. This poem is a poser poem. And the thing that gave me pause was the line the farmer plowing his field the whole pageantry in bloom like calling calling crops and and food like a harvest a pageantry was a really

beautiful image but I was like you you know what? I think he has that in him. I think he has that in him and I don't want to hear front history again. So I had you read it. You did pull the crowd at one point. Yeah and what did everybody think? I think a lot of them sought two and you're like no it's not two. Yeah they didn't like two. I thought poem two was good so I knew that wasn't. The first guy we asked, I was like, does anybody think it's frontisserie?

And not a lot of people thought it was. But one guy raised his hand in the front row, and I said, why do you think it was frontisserie? And he was like- The front row, yeah. Yeah, the front row. And he was like, well, most of the words were nonsense. And I was like, oh yeah.

But I think he wouldn't have the courage to do all nonsense. So that was when I locked in my guess, landscape with the fall of Icarus was not you. Which was written by William Carlos Williams. Which was you, yeah. Yeah, that's my pseudonym. Approach of winter and landscape,

both written by William Carlos Williams, famous poet. Right, which made me feel bad because I really didn't like Landscape with Fall of Icarus and I did really like the Approach of Winter. Yeah, but you don't have to like everybody's poems if you just like one of them. Yeah, I guess I like one of the lines. And then also interestingly,

the poem was written about a painting. So- Yeah, so I sent this to Avital, and she actually guessed front history is mine, because she's like, landscape of the Fall of Icarus sounds familiar, and it is indeed a painting by this guy, Bruegel. The poem starts according to Bruegel,

and then he just describes this poem. Yeah. And Avital was pretty adamant that this poem was kind of cheating. Like he just, the poem. And Avital was pretty adamant that this poem was kind of cheating. Like he just, the poem is awesome and interesting, or the painting is awesome and interesting, but the poem is just like, yeah, according to this poet, painter,

this is what happened. That's why I didn't like it. Maybe that's why I didn't like it. Maybe that's why I didn't like it. And what did, so tell me what you did with Frontisserie because I didn't really get to interview you about it. So with frontisserie I was on the flight to Chicago and I googled obscure words because I'm like let me just pepper this thing with words that don't sound like words I would use because that's

part of the thing of trying to trick you is to use words that I wouldn't necessarily use. So I searched what are rarely used American words and that sent me to a website called The Front History, which in itself is a unique word because it means like a place to think. So then it was like, welcome to The Front History. Here's all of these words that mean things and here they are. And one of them was Aquabibe, a water drinker.

One of them was lucky.-bibe, a water drinker. One of them was lucky. Bone of fate means lucky. Babulcitate means having no courage. So like, okay, let me like try to come up with this sort of like whimsical Dr. Seuss style poem where the front history is like, ooh, welcome. Here's a guy without courage. You could call him babulcitate.

And he sits next to an aerogonaut, a balloonist, and an aqua-bibe, a water drinker. So it was just like, through all these random jobs in there. The one thing that I did wanna say, I did wanna add that I remember is, Tales of Daring-Do, which sounds like middle English or something like that. I'm like, I've never said that out loud, so I think that would trip him up.

Right, and it's funny because Tottenham's slogan is, to dare is to do. Oh, interesting. But have you ever heard of Daring Do, D-E-R-R-I-N-G? D-E-O-R-R-I-N, no, I guess I haven't. I always imagined it was D-A-R-I, like daring and do. Yeah, interesting. It's D-E-O-R-R-I-N, no, I guess I haven't. I always imagined it was D-A-R-I, like daring and do. Yeah. Interesting.

It's D-E? D-E-R-R-I-N-G, like the middle English version of it, yeah. Cool. And then I'm like, and then to make it more of a red herring, like you said, the next two are just gonna be fucking poems about the weather. Yeah.

So it's like, does he really think I wrote a fucking Dr. Seuss on acid mad magazine poem or this other poem about leaves and Icarus falling? I should have known though that you would have had more fun with the frontisserie poem. Like that is way more your vibe. Right, but I remember like the last time we played this, I wrote or I read Ella Telephino,

which was an elephant telephone hybrid. And you're like, that was not yours. So I'm like, oh, maybe he doesn't think I'm capable of doing something silly and whimsical, but that's probably one of the poems I could probably write better than the others. Right, the frontisserie might better than Ella Telefino. Helefino.

Yeah, so I post, somebody actually tweeted at me after the show, like, can I read front history? So I did post it on my Twitter account if you guys wanna see it, front history. And I think the website is called fronthistory.info. Let me see. Yeah, fronthistory.info, a thinking place. And it's just short scrabble words,

jobs that don't exist anymore, lost words, a whole glossary of shit like that. Okay, well congrats. You've now gotten me to twice or thrice? Yeah, once with Shakespeare, once with this. Okay, all right, very with Shakespeare, once with this. Okay. All right. Very good.

Very, very good. And you got me once with the, like, naval poem or something. Yes. About an explorer. What he saw. That's correct. What he saw. What is it about what he saw that is just perfect?

And still, I think my most famous poem is Hogwash or Haun. Sorry, just Haun. Sorry, just Haun. Yeah, just Haun. Hogwash or Haun is the game we play, yeah. It should have been Sadie though. Sadie is a great poem. We're getting eerily close to being able to do a book

or at the very least a brochure of our original poetry. Yeah, yeah, that'd be awesome. Didn't you say you've been writing poems, but you don't wanna share them? Yeah, yeah. I was doing them almost as like a gratitude list, how some people do that to start their day. I was just like writing a free form poem every day. So you should do that less and just check TikTok more.

I feel like that would be really good for you. Yeah. Like the journal thing is kind of like bad, but like to get your thoughts out as like, oh I wonder. It's corny is what it is. It's super corny. It's like what if there was like a cover of a song

or like you can learn about like online drama. Like do you know about how Zach Brian was emotionally abusive to Brianna Chickenfry and now she's sort of just living her best life or do you have no idea about that? I don't know who either of those people are. Like that's the kind of shit that you are missing by doing the fucking, what's it called?

The poems or whatever. The poem, yeah, the daily poem. Which has since turned into like an every three days poem because it was kind of taxing. But I still enjoy it now. Yeah, maybe it's probably like once a week. He offered her 12 million, I was gonna say, an NDA. And she said no on the BFF podcast.

Let's just leave it at that. What's that? But it's a pretty big fucking deal. And you should look at your phone more or else you'll be out of the loop. Even if it's gray, you'll at least know what's happening. Gray TikTok? Even a gray TikTok is better than the most colorful poem

you can come up with called the Front History. One last bit of unsolicited advice to you. Have you seen the movie Jaws? Like the old, the shark movie Jaws. With the Spielberg movie, like the original Jaws? That's right. Yeah. I guess I have, but not in like a meaningful way.

Like I haven't sat down to watch it as a movie. I feel like I've seen it on TV a bunch through like high school and college or some places. Little bits and pieces. Yeah. Do yourself a favor and watch it as an adult who just happens to like movies sometimes. It's a great, great movie.

Saw it last night, one of Avi Tull's favorite movies. It was another one of those movies where I'm like, I think I've seen this, but maybe I've just seen so many references to it through The Simpsons that it feels familiar. But it's really, really, really well made, well acted, well shot. And obviously, cause it's Jaws,

it's one of the most famous movies of all time. But a lot of people are like, yeah, I guess I just haven't seen it. Right. It's such a part of the pop culture that it's just like, yeah, I've seen it. Cause I've heard the music and I've seen the poster and I like, I get it.

I definitely watched it when I was a kid. So, all right, that's interesting. I have been watching just like rom-com movies because everything in the world is so intense that the only way to really unwind for me these days has been watching like Notting Hill love is yeah Last night I watched two weeks notice so they're getting worse But there's not two weeks notice twice in theaters why friends said I watched four weeks worth of notice because I liked it

I like this Andrew Bullock Hugh Grant Dichotomy that's great. I mean, yeah one last question enjoyed it to one last question. Uh, I was playing charades I mean, yeah, I enjoyed it too. One last question. I was playing charades with Abhi Tal and all her coworkers the other night as a game night. And one of my movies that I tried to write down for people to act out was a Hugh Grant rom-com that I thought was known and nobody knew what it was. Have you ever heard of the movie?

Wait, act it out for me. Oh, I can't because it's a really long title. Okay. It starts with, the title is like a full sentence, but it starts with The Englishman. Do you know what that movie is? No. The Englishman that went up,

do you know what this movie is at all? No. Does it sound familiar? Not even. The Englishman that went up a hill, but came down a mountain. I thought it was a popular, at the very least, title movie, movie title. Nobody had heard of it.

People were not happy to have to act it out. Was it good? Yeah, I remember seeing it and liking it, but it was not good for charades. Yeah, yeah. How did you do Englishman? I didn't do it because I came up with the title. Other people had to act it out.

Oh, I see, I see. And I thought they would get to Englishman, everyone was like, yeah, the Englishman that went up the hill and came down a mountain. But no, nobody knew that title. It didn't even ring a bell for anybody. That's a really bad feeling when you're doing charades and you pull up something that you're like, I don't know this and nobody else will.

Yeah, I felt partly responsible. And then I was like, I think it's you getting kicked out of another game night that Avital brings you to. Correct, it was on the razor's edge of doing that. Don't watch that, watch Jaws instead, that's my advice. Well I might watch the Hugh Grant one, I really like these rom-coms. Yeah, it is a British rom-com.

All right, I'm in. Okay, that's it, that's our time. Thanks for listening, thanks for watching. Oh yeah. For more of us, you can check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J-A. Right on. And we'll be back next Monday as always.

Also right on. Ciao for now. Bye. That was a Hedgum Original. Hey everyone, I'm Dan LaCotta. And I'm Nick Nani. And we are the hosts of Chicken Padme John now on HeadGum. It's the very first podcast for and about Italian Americans.

That's right. But if you're not Italian American, you can listen to, I guess. I suppose we can let you in, cut you a deal. We're talking about all sorts of crazy topics on this. Who's a better cook Nana or mama Who you got in that fight? No, no, no, I mean, I can't say bad about no. No, she smacked me across head We got some great guests on the show. We got Wayne Diamond. We got Edie Modica We got Mike Hanford and our wife several

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