Segments - 560: Mile High Club

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

In this episode we discuss Dingos, UFOs, and getting went down on. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. heard there was a micro water that's gilded and it's jakes once more and you don't really care for friendship do you my name's amir and he's the. His crab claws just won't give an inch.

The second place is slippery. I am Shmuel. I am Shmuel. I am Shmuel. I am Shmuel. I am Shmuel I am Shmuel Seven more verses. My grades were strong, but you needed proof

Thursday tests are just a goof The abuse is never ending from my co-host He claims his name is liquid nice Has everything with a side of rice Not even near a Starbucks I am Shmuel I am shmuel i am shmuel i am shmuel i am shmuel i am Shmuel. I am Shmuel. I am Shmuel.

I am Shmuel. I am Shmuel. I am Shmuel. I am Shmuel. I am Shmuel. Can he do it? I am Shmuel Can he do it? I am Shmuel Can he hold his breath the entire time? Is he gonna hit it?

Not as long as Jeff Buckley but still pretty good That was really good Especially if he was playing guitar Yeah Did you get the happy end there? Very nice. Just like Leonard Cohen would have done.

Yeah. In the Jeff Buckley version, though, he holds his breath. He holds that note for like 40 seconds, I think. It's really impressive. Yeah, he's showing off. Okay. Sorry, you're defending this guy because he wrote the song for you, I guess. Jeff Buckley did a good version, too, is all.

He would be a good show forest actually uh that was by greg jeffrey and it would be grateful if you plug his instagram greg j-e-f-f-r-e-e oh okay good ways that's where he that's where he very inconsistently posts music content. All right. There you have it. Good stuff. That was a solid version. Like you said, it was the style of Jeff Buckley, but it's a Leonard Cohen song. Exactly. So it's a cover of a cover of a cover.

Exactly, exactly. Finally made it perfect because now it's about us. And it's a shame because Leonard passed, so he'll never hear this version. As did Buckley. Jesus Christ. shame because leonard passed so he'll never hear this version as did buckley so jesus christ it's almost like a curse whoever sings this song dies not an untimely but ultimate inevitable death yeah well i mean that's everybody ultimate yeah whoever does the song inevitably dies yeah yeah that's everyone who doesn't do it. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Like I'll be dead. Just because I fucking heard it, I think. I swear to God, I think time pushes us all towards the inevitable demise.

Like we'll have to attend one another's funeral. Probably. We will. I mean, not both of us. No. One of us. One of us will have to attend the other's funeral. Yeah.

God, I hope it's me. Hope it's me attending yours. Hell, I hope it's me. Hope it's me attending yours. Hell, I hope it's soon. I hope it's soon. Just so I get it out of the way. Actually, I also hope it's you attending mine. Because, like, I don't want to have to deal with getting to a funeral and, like, the ennui and sadness that ensues. Totally.

Yeah, there's going to be, there will be an expectation for you to speak at my funeral. Yeah. You know that. And then it's like, yeah, and you have to be, like, one of those, you to speak at my funeral. Yeah. You know that. And then it's like, yeah. And you have to be like one of those, whoa, this is irreverent, but Jake would have wanted it that way. I swear he fucking would have wanted him to joke like that. He wanted me to roast him the entire time.

Actually, I have a letter from Jake that says he wanted you to take this opportunity to speak reverently, politely, and earnestly, sincerely, without joke about Jake. It's like the best man speech you gave at my wedding, which was mean to me the entire time. And then you were like, but, but in the end, Jill really is great. Hallelujah. This is a special, a special episode.

After years, literally two and a half years of pandemic living, we finally figured out how to do a bi-coastal in-studio record. That's right. This has been a lot of hard work went into this. Not necessarily work of our own, but there's a studio in New York City right now that I'm sitting in. Yeah.

Pretty incredible. Five to eight talented producers and engineers figured out this feat. And by the way, if it didn't work and you can only hear this and not see this, then they failed. Yeah.

They failed. They did fail. And I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to like say heads will roll, but I can't see a world where Grimm comes out of this on the other side.

Yeah. Yes. Basically, it needs to go perfect for him to keep the job. Yes, exactly. He's on the chopping block, as it were. We're basically, sorry, I feel weird because he's in the room, but we're looking for an excuse. You know we call him Thin Ice, right?

That's sort of his nickname around the office. Grim knows that, right? Yeah. Do you know that, Grim? I do now. Th the nice is are you there the nicest here he's behind the desk with fucking rock solid emma just oh my god steady and true of a flow yeah she's a buoy she's a life raft she's a preserver a A boon. A lighthouse in the storm. But yeah, so I'm in the LA studio. We've recorded here together.

That's no problem. Yeah, easy. No problem for you because I fly across the country and sit there and you just, you know, drive over from Silver Lake. I'm three miles away. You're 3,000, but we meet in the middle. Yeah, the middle of Los Angeles. Right.

And now you're in the New York studio, which I haven't visited. I'm in the LA studio, but we can still see, we can interact with each other. I'm looking forward to seeing how this turns out. I have no idea what it'll look like. No clue. No clue. Should I be looking at the camera? Should I be looking at Jake over there on the TV?

These are all little things that we have to iron out. Are you looking at me, Jake, or are you looking at a camera? I'm looking at you on the screen behind the camera. i wonder if i should look and grim is giving me the thumbs up which means he is banking his entire life on that call interesting and then we do the final videos you completely staring off camera to the left why is jake staring behind himself? Just my chin. I craned my neck too much. It's soft, out of focus, blurry of a chair in a different room. But yeah, looking forward to seeing how this turns out. I'm excited. And how about this for a new beginning? I know this is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us, as you see.

But I did a search of our inbox for questions that help us settle this debate. Okay. Interesting. So these are, these are still semi advice questions, but also like kind of, it opens up a new Avenue, a new bucket, a new type of right. It's, it's, it's an advice meets a debate show. I've been, I've been angling for a debate show for a long time, actually. Right. And it's like, you know, everyone has like, I think I brought this up a few weeks ago. We have this like ongoing debate in your life where it's like, I think one thing and somebody else thinks this other thing.

Like, remember my air conditioner thing? I'm like, can you make it colder in here? No, you can't make it colder. Turning the air conditioning on lower will just keep the air conditioning on for longer, but it doesn't make it colder faster. That's an ongoing debate in my household. Certainly there's ongoing debates in our listeners' lives because you talk to enough people, you debate enough things.

We're here to help you settle those debates. Yes. So we're here to answer your advice and settle your debates. Should we assign each of us a position? Like, what if we both agree on the debate? It would be funny if we disagreed and the debate raged on. We would need a third co-host to make an ultimate judgment call. Let's find out. Maybe we could bring Thin Ice into here as sort of a judge character. Oh, T-I-G?

Yeah. What's the G? Grim. Got it. And now your microphone is corrected. Is that right, Amir? Yeah. Yeah. So for all the hooting and hollering, if you can hear me clearer now, it's because this microphone hasn't been on for the first however long in this podcast.

I don't know what John did to grim up Casey's work out in LA. It's crazy how it's infected just being on a Zoom like a computer virus. But the reason you guys can hear me clearer now is because we finally decided to let's turn on the microphone I'm talking into, not just the microphone three feet away from me. Right. So, you know, New York new york's pretty buttoned up over here this is this is a it's a tight operation this is a well-run ship okay sure well-oiled machine uh-huh um i feel like los angeles kind of falling apart at the seams but well the meta joke

is that we were talking about something going wrong audio video wise and probably throughout the entire process, the audio didn't sound great to people, which I'll take credit for. We did it on purpose. Yeah. You have to admit that now that's even funnier. The joke was fine before, but it's good now. That was like. It was a goof. That was commitment right there.

Yeah. So now it's like, okay, let's just, let's roll the microphone I'm talking into. You guys can hear me clearer. Right. Yada, yada. So let's, so the debate then, we can start the debate. First debate. Okay, right.

Which head of office is better, New York or LA? I would, I'd say New York. Too early to tell. I'd say New York. Let's see, let's see how the final product comes out. Yeah. All right. This is a help us settle debate question that we got from a lady pilot. I think we have to call her Amelia Earhart.

I mean, that's the gold standard. Hopefully this lady is alive and well. Rest in peace. My boyfriend and I are on a spring skiing holiday in the French Alps. Awesome. And we were hoping you could help us settle a debate. The mountain we are staying on is over a mile high. And of course, we've had sex a bunch.

It's vacation. Duh. So the question is, are we in the mile high club because we've had sex in our room at the top of this mountain? Or do you have to be on a plane for it to count? Your help would be greatly appreciated. The argument has been troubling us this entire vacation. I wonder what position she takes. Like when they're having sex?

I mean, I can ask, but that seems like a pretty private question to inquire about. Didn't mean that. But if it's a vacation, then private question. Didn't mean that. But if it's a vacation, then we're definitely going reverse cowgirl. She's bragging, actually. I don't think they're actually debating this in a hotly contested manner. She's just saying we're in the French Alps. There's something hot about it for sure. The Mile High Club.

I would say no. I mean, yeah. No. Mile High Club is a, it's not, nobody, like if you have sex in Denver, you're not in the mile high club. It's not like literal like that. It means to have sex on an airplane. Right. It's not having sex a mile in the air.

That's just like the nickname that having sex on an airplane got, you know? Yes, exactly. You haven't done anything hot. You just had sex on vacation, which is, as you mentioned, kind of the standard. But it is, I guess, having sex a bunch here in the French Alps is hot, but it's not necessarily danger. The whole point of the Mile High Club is that you can get caught. People are looking at you. It's a very tight space.

It's hard to logistically do it. Yeah. Are you in the Mile High Club? Did you have sex on a plane ever? No, but we made a video about this once that I'm actually in the quarter mile high club. Right. That's when you sort of put the blanket on top of you and you kind of crank it while the stewardess is going up and down. I thought that was the half mile high club and the quarter mile was you get a chubby and wait in line to use the laboratory or something. Yeah.

So that's the one I'm in. Not the one where I should be arrested for public masturbation. Right. Well, I think you did that too. You've never had sex on an airplane, have you? No. No, never. That's pretty interesting, right?

That I've never had sex on an airplane? Has it ever come up? Has it ever come close? It's come close. I got a handjob on an airplane once. Quarter ever come up? Has it ever come close? It's come close. I got a handjob on an airplane once. Quarter mile high club? That's the quarter mile high club. It's hard.

I feel like now it must have used to be easier. Now there's like eight fucking stewardesses on an airline. Like there's too many flight attendants. Yeah, it's weird because you have to keep your mask on. Like how does that even work, you know? I'm sure you wouldn't have to keep, well, you don't have to keep your mask on anymore. And that'd be the least of my worries. to keep your mask on. Like, how does that even work, you know? I'm sure you wouldn't have to keep – well, you don't have to keep your mask on anymore. And that would – that'd be the least of my worries.

I prefer the mask on. I mean, there's always, like, a line four people deep when you come out of the bathroom. So, like – Yeah, and you're going to have to come out together. And there's not like – yeah, we were just using – it's not like a public bathroom where it's like we were both in there talking. We were both in there using different things. It's like, no, you come out of there with somebody else. It's 100 percent certainty that you

hooked up with that person well actually no the trick because the trick is like when you do it at a bar you have to come out and pretend like

the person is sick it's like sorry yeah she's sick you know there's no room for two people in there like even just a stand so like I can't quite

you obviously don't sit up in first class very much yeah you obviously don't sit up in first class very much yeah you obviously don't sit up in first class at all if you don't think there's no room for people to stand i guess choking i guess on all right i had a lot of uh granola and acai bowl earlier um but yeah uh i guess like on your on your non-direct spirit air flights to LA. Frontier through Kansas City. Kansas City to Pittsburgh up to Hoboken, then the Greyhound to Port Authority. Yeah, that's kind of your shit.

That's how you travel and that's cool. But yeah, I can imagine you're not having a lot of sex on the frontier flight. You said you weren't having sex on it either. I said I got a handjob. I said I got a handjob. And it was a Southwest flight. And it was a white lie. Because all I did was sort of adjust my nutsack that I was accidentally sitting on top of.

Do you know anybody that's ever joined the Mile High Club? Actually, I don't think I do. I know one person. Really? Who? Do I know them? It's a high school. You do.

It's a high school friend of mine. I don't want to out them on simulcast like this. Ofer? They'll text you. Rami? Jesse? All with each other, if you could believe it. Yeah.

It was with like a college girlfriend. And I think it was a daytime flight. It wasn't like, like red eyes seems kind of easy because it's like, it's completely dark and most people are sleeping. Yeah.

I think this was a daytime flight. I'll ask this person to confirm or deny. It seems like the kind of thing you do in like in college. It's a college caper, to be sure. Okay, so final verdict for this. Help us settle the debate. Do we join the Mile High Club?

Yeah, I would say no. I think definitely no. Yeah, but it sounds like you got another flight coming up, so you have an opportunity. All right, let's take a break. Thank some sponsors. Come back correctly recording this episode of our show. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create. Easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even

have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know, that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own freaky friday.com that'd be great is that available it's not available yeah but how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new it's kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter,

which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio. The greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. No unsolicited advice this week. Yeah, we've got debates to get to. We have debates to settle. That's right.

Here's another sex-related debate question. The best kind. Yeah, from, let's call this guy Davis Jan. Davis Jan. Right. Hey, guys, love the show. Help me settle a debate I'm having with a friend whose girlfriend cheated on him. Is it worth, sorry, is it worse for your girlfriend to have sex with another guy or if she goes down on him.

My friend says sex is more cheating because it's more intimate. But I'd say oral is worse because there's some intentionality and it's done mostly for the pleasure of the other person. Let us know what you think. Love, Davis. That is a good question. This is a good one. I'm curious.

I think oral is worse. Not because of the first thing you said. I feel like there's intentionality behind both acts. But it's the selflessness of oral that really does it. It's the act of giving. Yeah. It's a gift. And it's funny because sex is like, you know,

you grow up and sex is the final frontier. It's like've had this but i haven't had this it's the furthest you can go yeah it's the most bases yeah right and so you assume that sex is the worst kind of cheating because that's like the most intimate biggest whatever yeah but the way he lays it out it's like yeah if someone i was loving partners with went down on someone, that would affect me more than the sex. Sex can be impersonal. This is like the most personal thing one can do sexually, it seems. Yeah. I guess, well, yeah, then it depends if you were cheated on by somebody who received oral sex or gave it.

Wow. Interesting. Yeah. So the three options were someone you love went down on someone else. Someone you love got went down on. Got went down on. Do you get when you song? I got went down on.

I got went down on. I got went down on. I got went down on. Oh, God. The sentence bothers me more than what you did, actually. Got went down on. I don't like your vocabulary at all. Or your personality. I think you shouldn't do that slash end your sentence with a preposition i'm so sorry to tell you this i got went down on excuse me i got i mean i made the biggest mistake

of my life but i got went down on i didn't mean to hurt you but but I did get went down on. And I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take it back is what I'm saying. I never wish that I had got went down on. I wish I didn't went got went down on. I wish I did get wet down off. That's also bad. Getting off is bad too.

Yeah. That is your next song. The next Fade On Shuffle is Got Went Down On. It's another country song like The Other Side of Hard. You should be making a competing album. Somebody needs to do a Devil Went Down to Georgia style. Got Went Down On. Got Went Down On.

The devil went down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down. Well, you already did it. Okay. So it seems like, oh, yeah. It's giving oral, receiving oral, having sex. And let's say 69ing and also autofillatio. Interesting. So your partner just sort of goes down on themselves while somebody else watches.

Okay. Well, you introduced the other person that's light cheating. Auto fellatio, not cheating. Yeah. 69ing actually a little bit better than just giving, I think. Right, because it's almost sex. It's this silly act that you guys are doing together. There's nothing silly about it.

Well, it's a little silly. Just the name 69 is like just by definition lighthearted. Yeah. We were just having a fun little 69. How are you going to get that? We didn't even have sex. We just 69ed. I would be so confused.

If you have sex and you – or if you 69 and don't have sex, you also do really kind of imagine that oral is just like leading into the sex. Okay. So I still think the worst is giving oral sex. Yeah. That's the hardest to come back from. Yeah. It's also, I think it's like, it's extra bad because it tends to be something you do like early on in a relationship.

I feel like you perform a lot more oral because it's like, it's new and exciting and there's, there's some kind of like added level of intimacy to it. It's so yeah something basically that you used to do in a relationship that you don't do anymore you did for somebody else. That's probably the worst. Yeah. Like I went to a movie and held hands

with him but that's it. Is that worse than sex? No. Of course not. We agree. Yeah. But at the same time, it wouldn't be nice. It wouldn't be nice. There's also, like, to me, there's like,

you think about cheating as just like crossing a line. So like, oral is maybe going further across the line than sex, but it's both beyond the line. They're both beyond the pale. They're both beyond the pale. They're both grounds for dismissal. Holding hands, I don't think I end a relationship over that. What if your mom just drives you to the mall and then his mom picks you guys up?

Who are you thinking the cheating is with? If your mom drives you to the mall, are you cheating on someone with your mom or you're saying the mom brings both of you to the mall? Like, yeah, it's kind of like a sixth grade relationship. So like nothing sexual happened. Just like I swear I messed up. His mom dropped us off and we went to the mall for like two hours and like he just played arcade with his friends and I was there. And then my mom picked us up and drove us home. See, in sixth grade, that is, you know, kind of the worst you can cheat because there's not really anything happening.

Right. So it's like, yeah, the stuff that we're supposed to do together as boyfriend and girlfriend, like go to the mall and hang out, you did with somebody else. That's cheating. That's cheating. In sixth grade, that's cheating. Right. But to do it now. 35-year-old's dad drives.

Yeah. Honestly, Jill and another guy to a mall. If some guy's dad drove my wife and his son to the mall, they got dropped off, and then Jill's mom picked both of them up, I would break up with Jill for just being so weird but not cheating on me the guy was 12 so yeah then i definitely need to break up with her right because like why did she even get his dad to drive them yeah like how do you how do you even come up with that and who is this 12 year old and that's yeah honestly it's gross that you came up with the scenario like i feel like you're accusing my wife of doing it but it came from your brain that it would even be not really malls in new york right like that's that's the last reason it would have it would happen or not you

know like jill's not like hanging out with a 12 year old but doesn't have a mall to go to That's not the issue Right. Like are there malls in Brooklyn? Yes, there are There are outdoor indoor. Yes, there are no malls. Yeah, there are food court like whole nine yards suburbia There's Barclays. Yeah, the Atlantic Center. Yeah, that's that's a big-ass mall, right? There's a Target. There's a Best Buy. There's a bunch of stores inside. There's a food court. Really? Yeah. Hot dog on a stick. Yeah, the whole nine. Yeah. And my wife is there with a guy, but he's 14,

asshole. He has had his bar mitzvah, so he's an adult in the eyes of the Lord slash me. And he's gonna get his learner's permit in two years, so he don't need his dad to drive him no more. He's going to get his learner's permit?

Actually, Jill can be the adult. That's true. The adult that watches the whatever. We shouldn't even be like entertaining this. Obviously not.

Obviously not. Yes. What's the debate here? Which one is worse? We agree that it's oral is worse than sex. But both are bad. Yeah. Both are bad.

But ultimately, I guess what we came out of here with is a song called Got Went Down On. Which is borderline inspired slash perspired. But ultimately, I was the visionary. Jake will be able to run with it to his little friend that makes the song for me. My little friend that makes the song for you. Yeah, I'm sort of like the- That's my fucking bandmate you're talking about. You're not the composer.

That's actually what I do. Well, actually I'm the writer. Gareth is the composer. You're nothing. It's fair to say no band has ever operated like this though. There's no way. There's a guy that came up with the song, a guy that wrote the lyrics, and then somebody else that does the whole thing. Yeah.

We're pretty unique. We're pretty unique. What's the poster for that look like? There's not like three of us standing side by side next to each other. It looks like this, except Gareth should be in the middle. That's cool. And Gareth like this, except Gareth should be in the middle. That's cool. And Gareth, how old is Gareth? Isn't he like 14?

Yeah, Gareth is nine. Jesus Christ. But he's going to be 14 in no time. Yeah. What, five years? And then he can drive us to the mall. Yeah. Okay, more questions, more settling.

Actually, let's take a break, come back, and settle some more debates after these messages. Let's do it. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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I grew up a Raiders fan, and now I'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players.

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expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry,

a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. All right. Another debate to settle. Again, if you have long-lasting debates in your lives, hit us up, ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Yes. All right. Let's get right to it a few months ago my wife and I were driving on an elevated freeway near a lake I was driving and my wife pokes me

and says what the heck is that pointing over the lake there was a large yellowish looking blob of something floating dead still above 150 feet above the lake. It was not drifting in the wind or moving at all. It was not a drone or a balloon or a paraglider or anything else we could easily identify. I was driving about 70, so I only got a good couple seconds look. But here's the rub. I thought this was a crazy and interesting story. So next time we were out with friends, I brought it up thinking of asking what they thought it could be or if they've ever seen something similar.

And my wife immediately clammed up when I started telling the story and totally refused to back me up. So I'm left sitting here explaining the story, sounding like a lunatic. Everybody looks uncomfortable and the topic of discussion changed quickly. Am I the crazy person here? Is there any way for me to share our experience without sounding like I'm nuts? Or is my wife right? And it would be better to just shut up and forget we ever saw anything. Help me settle this.

I guess this isn't quite a debate. This is more angling towards the just general advice question. Yeah. Well, you know, we just decided to test out this pivot so we haven't actually called for any debates. This is the first time we're doing it. What did he say? This is...

It was floating in a lake or it was above the lake? It was above... 150 feet-ish above the lake floating. A brown blob? Yeah, a yellowish blob. Describe it for me one more time. Large, yellowish blob of something floating dead still above about 150 feet above the lake. Interesting. Have you ever had a UFO-esque thing happen to you? No. No. Nothing that couldn't be explained. Yeah. And then when people do bring stuff like that up to you, like it had, what else could it be? Whenever somebody says that to me, it's like, I saw this figure, what else could it be?

And I'm like, I don't know. It could be anything like, no, like you can't explain it. It has to be this thing. I think that's the ticket right there, though. It's like you don't have to know what it was for it to be. It's an unidentified flying object. But UFO doesn't automatically mean alien spaceship. It means I didn't know what it was. So, like, if there is a satisfying answer out there, you're allowed to keep on asking the question as long as you're not leading people to be like so i saw an alien uh here's what it looked like you try to fucking tell me what a yellow blob over a lake was because there probably isn't a rational explanation there

usually is yeah i'm usually too skeptical i will i'll be the last person like if you saw an alien and told me about it in detail i would first not believe you yeah uh before ever like coming to the realization that you saw an alien i also wouldn't believe it i don't think i would ever see a ufo and be like i saw i saw like i would go to you and be like i saw an alien i would go to you and be like something presented itself to me like an alien but i know that it's not so what is it yeah so like and i'll be like what was it to you and be like, something presented itself to me like an alien, but I know that it's not. So what is it? And I'll be like, what was it? And you'll be like, it's a flying saucer the size of a building hovering 10 feet above my house for the better part of an hour.

And a green creature came out of it. And I was probed. Anally or otherwise. I think that you're not crazy. And I would be like crazy that didn't happen yeah you're not crazy for seeing something but it would be crazy if you assumed and told people that it was an alien but you haven't done that he's saying here's what we saw what do you think it was yeah um i mean ghost stories are very similar don't you have a similar like i have a ghost story situation when

i was little i thought that i saw a ghost and i and like i have memories of seeing those ghosts when i was little but i think it was just like being a kid and my eyes were tired or like you know even now sometimes i'll like did i tell you about how i woke up and i thought there was a crow in our room you woke up in the middle of the night thinking a black bird was in your room yeah Yeah, it was so scary. So it was the night... So we got a puppy recently, which I haven't actually talked about on the show. Holy shit.

This is just a whole episode of Firsts. That's right. So we can talk more about him, but I got a puppy. You bought a zoo. I bought a zoo. I bought a dingo. We have a very cute puppy. This is from the puppy mill, right?

Wasn't it like $10,000 and you said it was too expensive? It was only $14,000. So yeah. But it was bred for your specific size, weight, and color, wasn't it? Yes. And the first few puppies were a little too light for you and you just burned them, right? We had the tongue removed so it can't bark. You bought a rug. Yeah, I remember. Yeah it's a it's a rescue very cute very cute we really did the right thing but we so the first night we had

we had him sleeping in our room in his little crate um and named we did you say the name yeah dingo okay so dingo is in a crate. Yeah, Dingo's in a crate. You're supposed to keep the puppies in a crate to sleep, okay? Nobody fucking canceled me for that. They're den animals, okay? So anyway, he's sleeping. And every time he makes any noise, we'd take him outside to let him go to the bathroom.

And that's an example of a noise is it a bark is it a whimper is it a groan um yawn usually like a tiny little whimper or like really he's like mostly asleep and then if he starts like rustling around it means that he like needs to get out or like he wants to pee he's restless yeah um but that's all to say that like we were kind of trying to keep an eye on him all night. This is the first night that we got him. Uh, he's also like 14 weeks old, not like, you know, six weeks old or anything like that. Um, okay. So anyway, uh, we are sleeping, being very attentive to dingo.

And I guess at some point in the middle of the night, Jill turned like, and you know, turned her other, she put her head where our feet were she like flipped around 180 degrees in the bed so she could sleep with her head towards the foot of the bed so she could be closer to dingo's crate so he could see her and not be like stressed out or anything does that oh that's very nice of her yeah this was all unbeknownst to me. So I woke up thinking that I needed to walk him. And all I saw was what I was 100% sure was a crow sitting on top of my wife's feet at the bottom of the bed. And I was just like, whoa, oh, frozen with fear. My first instinct was to run. And then I was like, well, you can't run.

The crow is in the room and something's going to happen to Jill. And then I was like, okay, so I'll gather all these sheets. So you were having this full plan for the crow. Yeah, I'm standing there at the base of the bed. Standing? Yeah. I'm up, backed away from the crow, and I'm like,

okay, so thinking about I'll just gather all the sheets and cover the crow. And then I was like, oh, maybe I can sneak around and just open the window and try to shoot out the window. And then Jill starts talking to me. She's like, what's going on? And I'm like, there's a crow in the room. You still thought it was. You were fully awake. Yeah. Fully awake. Telling Jill there's a crow in the room. You still thought it was. You were fully awake.

Yeah, fully awake. Telling Jill there's a crow. And she's like, what? I was like, there's a bird on the bed. And she was like, where? And then I realized that it was the crow talking to me. And it was... What are you saying right now?

This is a dream you were having? No, this is all... I realized that the voice was coming from where I thought the crow was, which it jill's hair tied up in a bun at the base of the bed that i thought was a bird return the puppy return the dog at this point you're a danger to animals yeah you think hair is a bird it was dark it was dark and it was her bun was just right on the top it was true it looks so much like a crow um and then when you realize you're like oh sorry never mind or did you laugh i laughed i was like oh my god i would think it was more of like a, it was like a chuckle of relief because I didn't have to deal with this.

I was petrified. You know, what do you do? Do you try to tackle the bird? Do you try to shoot out the window? Yeah, you probably don't try to tackle the bird. That's the debate. It would have been incredible if as you realized that was just Jill's hair,

if there was a crow in your room. In addition to that. Attacked from the back. Oh, thank God. It also if there was a crow in your room. In addition to that. Attacked from the back. Oh, thank God. It also thought she was a crow. Jill's a crow. My dog is a crow. It is interesting that birds rarely fly into houses.

I have my kitchen sliding door open a lot. I can't remember any time a pigeon just flew in. Yeah, but then you go to JFK and they're everywhere. Yeah. I guess if it's big enough, birds know to avoid rooms. Although I have had birds fly into my window. Yeah. So they should have been inside.

You should check behind your couch. They might have just flown all the way in behind the wall. Now they're dead. There's no way. All right. Unless. No, there's no way. However.

So this got. So all that was to say that I thought I saw a ghost when I was a kid. I thought I saw a bird on my wife's feet, but it was just her head. Sometimes there's always an explanation. Yeah. Yeah. Although a lot of people do think they once saw a ghost or a UFO or something or other out there. Totally. I think next time you are alone with your wife,

ask her to repeat the story and like, you know, hear how she views that encounter. Yeah. And then maybe let her lead the way if you want to tell more people about it. Cause it is an interesting story and it's a fun conversation to have. It's just not fun if you're like using that as definitive proof that aliens exist which it sounds like you're not so everything's fine yeah but i also get the wife's uh reticence to just

like start talking about this stuff because you almost seem like a crazy person right but i mean just to be like hey this crazy thing happened you know that's it that's yeah it is crazy it's interesting there's no yellowish blob. Yeah. There's no real answer, but you don't have the answer either. So that's, yeah.

Well, it's like what you're saying. You can't be like, you can't explain it. Therefore it's an alien. Actually, there's a blink 182 poster behind you. Shout out to Tom DeLonge,

who is a alien believer, right? He's like a chaser that's correct i believe song two on this album is aliens exist i thought you froze but you're just staring at me i froze in fear because now i'm starting to realize that maybe there's a case to be made about it. I mean, there's something that happened with Tom DeLonge. Like he got them to declassify a bunch of stuff.

Like there's there's like that stuff in the news now that's like the military has been tracking UFOs for a long time and like admits that they exist. But right. Area 51 style. Yeah. But not necessarily that it's aliens, just that there's stuff that's flying out there that we don't understand. Right. Which is fine. Which is fine. I'm sure there's stuff in the sea also that we don't really fully get.

Like, what's the deal with octopuses? Like, I never understood that. Yeah. I mean, people, I think people do understand those. But there are aliens that live here on Earth already. An octopus is an alien. Congrats. Or jellyfish. Don't they not even have a brain or a heart or something? Yeah. An octopus is an alien. Congrats. That's. Or jellyfish. Don't they not even have a brain or a heart or something? Yeah.

And they fucking, I was attacked. We talked about this. I was attacked in Italy by a jellyfish, an Italian jellyfish, as it were. Are you sure it wasn't just Jill's hair? Really fucking funny.

Why don't you yuck it up? Scumbag. Let's see what happens when I come to los angeles you laughed at me i'm gonna fly there i'm gonna come to that studio and i'm gonna kick your fucking ass and i'm gonna wait i'll take you 12 hours i won't be here yeah you're gonna hide from me huh i'm gonna tear that studio apart i'll destroy that studio like i'm a rolling stone it's 1969 okay there's no need yeah there's no need. Yeah. There's no need. There's no need.

People will ask you why you did it and be like, because Amir sort of gently ribbed me. I can't even remember the joke you told. Insane. But I know that it was in poor taste. And it was ill-natured. Yes, it was. You said something about my hair? No, I did not.

You're ill-natured. All right, that's it. A whole episode of First. Hopefully you guys enjoyed that. Hopefully you guys have more debates, long-lasting debates that you guys want us to settle. Again, email address for theme songs, whether it's Got Went Down On

or debates you want us to settle or advice you need. It's all ifireyous show at gmail.com. That's right. Um, and we have more videos on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J a job. Uh,

thank you guys for watching this. I can't wait to find out how this turns out. It's exciting. It's really exciting. If you guys are watching this, it was, it was a success. If you guys are just listening to it,

that's fine too. It's okay. You can consume media at your own pace slash leisure. But definitely check out the YouTube and subscribe just to see how this all turned out, aside from the first eight or nine minutes. Yeah, when a different microphone was on, that was, that's going to be interesting as well.

Okay, the opening theme song was, oh God, Jeff George? No, George Jefferson. It was something Jeffrey. J-E-F-F-R-E-E. Yeah, Greg Jeffrey. Greg Jeffrey. Jeff Buckley. Let's listen to that one more time. Shout out to Jeff Buckley. Shout out to Greg Jeffrey.

Shout out to you guys for listening. And shout out to Thin Ice for nailing the landing. Way to go, Tig. We'll see you guys for listening and shout out to thin ice for nailing the landing. Way to go. We'll see you guys soon. Bye everybody. There was a micro that's gilded and it's Jake's once more. And you don't really care for

friendship do ya my name's Amir and he's the pinch his crab claws just won't give an inch the second place is slippery I am Shmuel

I am Shmuel I am Shmuel I am Shmuel I am Shmuel I am Shmuel Well My grades were strong but you needed proof Thursday tests are just a goof The abuse is never ending from my co-host He claims his name is liquid nice, has everything with a side of rice, not even near a Starbucks

I am Shmuel I am Shmuel I am Shmuel I am Shmuel I am Shmuel I am Shmuel I am Shmuel I am Shmuel I am Shmuel

I am Shmuel I am Shmuel, I am Shmuel. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

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