Segments - 561: Bagels and God

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

In this episode we discuss destination weddings, car leases, and how to pronounce a baby name. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Well, this is a story of If I Were You, a podcast ran by two coy Jews. They're both really funny and give great advice, but only one can win the golden mic.

If Amir doesn't win pretty soon, I fear he might kill himself over Zoom. So sit down and listen to If I Were You, and we'll see if Jake can finally lose. Got it? Yes. Yes. A great song. A great song.

A great tune. You shall see. I think I did win one recently. You sort of gave it to me and snatched it back at the buzzer. I didn't snatch it back. You lost it. You fumbled. You fumbled the ball in the end zone.

I don't even know if you're allowed to do that in football. For a touchback, yeah. Yeah. Well, if I broke the plane it's it's a goal well it's not it's not a one-to-one football wise um more of a it's more of a like uh you know classic football like the world football um where you scored a goal but then had it overturned by VAR. So you gave me the award and then you used a video review system. Upon reflection, during review, your celebration. Was I off sides? Like what was the ruling there?

You're focused on it being like exactly like the sport. The ruling was that you clearly couldn't, you couldn't handle the, you couldn't, you could not, you couldn't handle the shine of the moment. Quite frankly. And I hate to even say it like that because I know you'll misinterpret it in a way that's negative. But the stage was too big and the lights were too bright for you. The lights were too bright for you. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And I had never seen anybody shrink like that to the point where they couldn't even have the trophy because they were smaller than the trophy the rise to the occasion it was more like dies um during the uh

situation i see yeah uh well that theme song was from Caleb Grignier. Actually, we're so low on theme songs, I'm searching for ones that I think we haven't used, but we might have used. So again, if you... It didn't sound familiar. Yeah, it didn't sound familiar to me either. But if you are sitting on a theme song or if you know that you submitted one in the last year

and you know that we didn't get to it, let us know. Send it to us again. Yeah. Please do. We're in the market. It's a listener's, it's a submitter's market right now.

So we'll probably accept your offer. Oh, and people's been submitting us debates since we aired that last episode? No, because it just went up yesterday upon recording so I see it's a little a little Early all right cool again another hope for the the settle this debate podcast that's yes That's our new career pivot any long lasting debates in your life that you want us to be the tie-breaking vote for mm-hmm That's right has anyone come up in your life recently, debate-wise? Ooh, that's a good question. Debate-wise? I don't think so. Has any come up for you?

No, but I am trying to figure out what to bring to my parents dinner tonight so if you have any ideas oh actually a debate did come up um recently um a friend of mine is going to a wedding um a desk basically a destination wedding it's like a driving destination but um it's at a hotel that is so expensive that for the weekend, it's $2,400. And there's not anywhere else to stay. That's where like they're part of the wedding party. They have to be on site. $2,400. And he was like, do I have to get a gift because I'm spending so much money to be there? And what would you say to that? I would say no, because it's kind of outlandish that they're demanding you to go and making you spend $2,400, which is definitely more than you would spend on the gift.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, the gift, gift i think and that's why i said you i think he does have to get a gift because this is very annoying but like not getting a gift i think is it's too big of a slight two wrongs don't make it right here oh you're saying they do have to get a gift yeah you have to i think you do have to get a gift and you can get it you can look at the registry and get a less expensive gift. Yeah, it's like two candlesticks for $24 or something. Yeah, I think a wedding gift is usually the wedding gift I think is supposed to make up for

or even out what the couple spent on your food and giving you and your drinks and a good night which is more than that yeah 100 you are you're definitely still in the red like this this person i don't know so you're saying everything that i agree with but then you're saying that's why you have to get him a gift and i'm saying it's the polar opposite this is why you don't get him a gift because i think yeah the couple has been nasty to you yes but it's 150 dollars which is no it's not a small chunk of change but it's only it's on top of this 2400 dollars so it's just like call it 2600 that you're out on the weekend more and more probably and you've done no wrong you have like you've been slighted, you've been insulted, and you still have the social grace to do what you're supposed to do in this situation.

The groom and the bride misstepped, but you don't have to. So is it $1,200 a night? $1,200 a night. That's absurd. That's crazy expensive that's like i do the fancy hotel in the in yosemite level prices yeah it's on it's i stayed there with jill it's less than that do you want it's it's less 900 is still a lot and they have to be more than that. And also, I was like, well, at least is it like a sick hotel? And they showed it to me, and it's not. It's a Radisson in Cherry, New Jersey.

It's kind of like that. It's just a little bit like, I don't know, like Trumpy, golfy type vibe. Like a country club. Yeah, exactly. Not that cool. Not that cool. It's not like some solar hotel in Big Sur on the Gulf with everything glass. That's right.

Paid for dinners and anything like that. Exactly. $1,200 a night to come to my wedding. The pressure is really on for that wedding if it's not that good. Yeah. I went to the most convenient wedding last weekend, which was just in the valley, kind of next to where we shot Lonely and Horny. Wow. I drove there, parked right next to the house.

Taco truck dinner. It was at Ruby Jade's mansion, right? Yeah, pretty much. Next door. door ate some food drove home very convenient wow anytime you can sleep in your own bed after a wedding after a wedding it's really great yeah yeah my sister's wedding was down the street it's great can't be walked home wow that's the most convenient yeah uh all right we actually have a wedding question so why don't we get to that oh all right let's do it uh this is if i were you the only advice pod on the internet we should say yes that's true that's hosted by us right you do have to qualify it i'm alistair jeremy and i'm ron jeremy wow brother who has fucked on camera for near 60 years

not bad have you ever seen a Ron Jeremy porn or do you just like know about him I have seen a Ron Jeremy porn um but not in like a way that was like oh wow yeah i used to watch his porn i feel like it was like i don't know you actually seeked it out right yeah because i think he was a porn star i mean he was a porn star for a long time but i think it was his heyday was before i was watching porn yeah i did see him in the burbank airport one time that's um flying to vegas with two um plastic shopping bags no cap empty one had a goldfish in it it really was it was so sad looking do you think you'd have been into porn if you had to be like one of the guys that rented it from like behind the velvet rope of a 2020 video and like no and that kind of porn or like the internet allowed you to embrace your inner

porn. Yeah. It was definitely the access. You wouldn't have been like a magazine guy. You wouldn't have been like a, going to like a nickel theater where you sort of crank it in one of those private stalls. I guess I don't,

I don't think so. I really don't think so. You want to believe. I do. Yeah. I have, I'm confident in myself. I have a high, you know, a sense of self-worth that makes me want to believe I wouldn't have sunk to that level. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Yeah. Jerking up in a movie theater i don't know all right here's a question about a halloween wedding okay so we know it was submitted recently um we'll call this lady elvira who is that halloween-ish actress from the 80s? Elvira writes, long-time listener, first time with a real question. My boyfriend's sister is getting married the day before Halloween, and the wedding invite said, costumes encouraged. I don't know how seriously people are taking this, but I've asked a few of his family members, and they're wearing costumes, but I don't think it's actual costumes.

I don't know if it's actual costumes or just a nice outfit with a few costume accessories. Either way, I don't want us to be the assholes who full out dress out in costumes or the assholes who show up in just nice outfits. What would you do? Thanks. Love, Elvira. Well, I mean, it's's really that is a good question i feel like i actually talked about this with a friend recently um who's like giving a guy advice on what to wear to like a work halloween party or something right um and i and we came up with some good costumes

specifically for a fancier event okay you have dr Dracula who's basically in a tuxedo. All you need is teeth and a little blood, slick back hair. So you can do that. You can do Clark Kent Superman, where you are mostly in a suit, but with like a superhero thing underneath. That's cool.

But this is a lady thing. Yeah. But you know, you can pull that off to be wonder woman same vibe or clark kent lower lois lane if you got a date um also exactly the people that you're talking about right now um you know frankenstein and elvira those they're wearing suits also yeah so it's like a costume that requires one of the people to wear a suit i think so dumb and dumber dumb and dumber is pretty solid you could also do just more like halloween decorations on your fancy clothes so you wear like fancy clothes but candy corn earrings that's good cobweb on your wrist little uh little pumpkin uh you know pumpkin

earrings uh candy corn uh cuff cuff that's tasteful it's tasteful maybe oh man a cool one would be um scarecrow in a tuxedo because you just have hay coming out of the suit you know yeah what about like you're in a suit and you jump in a puddle of mud and roll around and then you just arrive so you're still in a nice costume but you're covered in shit that's interesting what's the costume i don't know guy that like got chased during a fucking wedding and it's like a zombie situation and you fell in manure or something i don't know, guy that like got chased during a fucking wedding and it's like a zombie situation and you fell in manure or something. I don't care. You should care.

I really don't care. Yeah, you're half-assing this. You're phoning it in. Like whatever. What's going on with you? I'm just saying like it doesn't matter. This isn't our wedding you didn't even pitch a costume you said a guy covered in mud and shit a guy in a fucking

suit covered in shit why would anyone want it doesn't matter just say that's perfect if it doesn't matter why pitch that i pitch something so it it's so cumbersome and inconvenient to be wearing a suit covered in mud and shit at a wedding and i'm saying why do you want that you're saying it doesn't matter say good job and move on all right fine fucking what'd you say the scarecrow yeah it wasn't even that good but sure you say that one and i'll say it's fine what about if you're dressed as fucking dolly parton and you're covered in shit is that part of the equation dolly parton is fine you don't care one way or the other you know so like don't suggest that they cover themselves in shit if it's like not an integral part of the costume to you don't

be flipping bride of frankenstein so you show up in the fucking white dress which is like considered a no-no that's it's a costume that's a faux pas and and that's a nice little twist you do shit your pants i see that's cool because that way if the bride is jealous you know if the bride is like why did you wear a wedding dress like you shouldn't be jealous of me i shit in this dress yeah i shit in your dress too actually oh how did you do that you fucking magician um cool so yeah that's i think good advice from both of us also the american psycho suit where it's like suit but you're over it is that um clear raincoat thing 80s suit i feel like i if it were me and i knew the like the couple getting married well enough, I would reach out and be like,

what level of, do you guys want people to try hard for these costumes? Because if it's costumes encouraged, then there might be some people that are not really doing any costumes and then you show up in a really good costume, you'll stick out. But if the couple is like, no, yeah, let's, everyone should you know there's going

to be a costume part it's a it's a contest costume contest then right then you want to do it if anyone's everyone's like wearing suits like you said and has like candy corn cufflinks and then you show up like the fucking frankenstein coward. Yeah, you're painted green. Oh, nice! Go up to see the wizard. Sorry, you have to take your seat. At the very least, don't interrupt the ceremony. I don't have a reign. Like, knocking shit over.

Not breaking character. My brain overstuffing. Is that the latest Jake and Amir costume thing where you're the scarecrow and you sing a really sad song? Or is that an earlier one? I'm sad that I don't have a brain. No, I think that was, we shot it in the New York office. Yeah, that's the newest. Oh, wow.

We're coming up on Halloween. You have to get out here so we can make another one. Costumes part nine. Actually, I'll be in LA. I will be in LA next week. I will be in L.A. next week. If you want to try to shoot that. We got to just fucking batch order some costumes today. Yeah.

I can already smell the cheap styrofoam costumes that we always get and how hot and uncomfortable they are to wear. I think it's time. Opa does still lead a sad style life. So maybe it is still current. Okay, let's take a break, thank some spons, come back, answer more quests after these.

Yep, yep, yep. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out.

But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

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And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Do it. It's a five. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I don't. Oh, yeah. I forgot our hand sign if everybody's watching at home

we have yeah we're on zoom we've got the hand sign what do we call this one uh triforce triforce the weird threard

I have a weird threard Horse. The weird three-ered. I have a weird three-er. It's so bizarre. I don't know how you can do that. I really can only do it with one hand. Like I can't do it with this hand. Yeah, that's what mine looks like. I have some sort of tear in my right hand. I think I'm double jointed in my right hand like i can do something

a little better with this one you know i can like bend my finger back a lot like this yeah that's insane that's a lot that is a lot a lot i wonder what double jointed actually means like what's going on anatomically speaking yeah i think it's it's deeply unhealthy it's your you're malnourished you're not supposed to be that bendy it's the beginning of an osteoporosis journey yeah uh i don't have any unsolicited but i think you do yeah it's kind of niche but somewhat universal if you uh ever leased a car before the pandemic, you'll enter this problem. The pandemic is still raging. I guess it's twice as hard.

Every car is more expensive. There's no supply anymore. So back pre-pandemic times, you want to lease a car. You just go to a lot. You test drive. They got all these options. You want it in black. You want it in blue. You want this big one, small one. Test it out. Let's to a lot. You test drive. They got all these options. You want it in black. You want it in blue.

You want this big one, small one. Test it out. Let's negotiate a rate. You can give you something a little bit better. Fast forward to three years later, your lease is over. You're like, give me a new car. And they're like, we don't have any cars. The car you want is twice as expensive.

And you'd have to pick it up in Palm Springs two hours away. And I kept hearing it. And my time was finally up i had to return my car and i didn't want to spend six hundred dollars a month instead of three hundred dollars a month on this pretty much the same exact car so somebody recommended i use a car broker which i didn't really know that sounds like like travel agent i'm like that's something old people use i don't really have to do that i can figure it out myself i use the internet but with car situations you do have to like go in and actually talk to the dealership and there's nothing worse than talking at the dealership with someone who

knows a lot about cars and that's their job like i just do this once every three years i don't know if you're taking advantage of me or whatever uh so somebody recommended to me a car broker which is like a guy that like is a professional basically lease slash used car buyer that can help you navigate and save you money so you don't have to deal with a car dealership so he was able to like negotiate rates for me shop around do all this stuff and what does he what does he what's what does he earn that's what i asked i'm like what's your rake because like if you're just doing all this stuff and what does he what does he what's what does he earn that's what i asked i'm like what's your rake because like if you're just doing all this price comparison slash shopping for me what's your what's your big uh bud i guess he gets paid uh as a part of your new low uh monthly

rate so like i still save money because I, you know, instead of paying $600 a month, I'm paying $300 a month. And it should have been like 270, but 30 of the dollars goes to him. So he gets paid basically in the savings that he gives me. I see. And do you pay him what over time or all out at once? It's all, it's all baked into this new car loan that I got, basically. I see. Instead of leasing.

So Mazda's. Yeah. No, it's like the bank that he uses to finance this car loan. He gets paid from them or something. Wait, so did you buy your car or you're leasing a car? Instead of leasing a new car, I'm basically just continuing to pay for the car that I have. Because if you're like me, you probably didn't drive this car all that much. And your car is worth a lot more than a normal three-year-old car.

I see. How many miles did you put on that thing? So I was allowed 10,000 miles a year for three years. But instead of 30,000 miles miles i had driven at 9 000 miles holy shit yeah i had my car was borderline new and they're like you should because the price of the car is baked into what it was in 2019 so like you you can be paying for what they think the car is worth but yours is actually worth a lot more right mine it's a very specific problem but everyone seems to be going through it right around

now because if you ever leased a car i come from a leasing family a lot of people just buy used but if you if you have a leasing um system in your family in your life in your finances then i guess try to find a car broker i don't want to like shout out this specific guy just to keep it universal but yeah car brokers are really helpful. Interesting. I remember, I think Jill used a lease broker, like somebody that found her the best lease price when she moved to LA. I never leased a car.

I leased a car in 2019, December 2019, just before the pandemic. That's right. And I also had $10,000 a year for for three years and i've driven it 32 000 miles wow you went above i went over yeah because connecticut to new york trips yeah i we drove we drove a lot um man but i also i was able to, my lease is coming up as well. And they just had another car for me. That specific car or like the 2022 version of the 2019 version? The 2023 RAV4. And is that what you had before? Not the specific car.

I have a 4Runner now. So a Toyota car, but not that specific. Or upgrading to a hybrid hybrid depending on who you ask right so the car is cheaper but since it's three years later it's actually the same price maybe i have no idea yeah i this whole thing uh made me text the guy and find out what the price was going to be they're very nonchalant yeah and at the dealership you know they're all their goal is to make as much money as possible so like using this broker guy you don't have to deal with the dealership at all which is kind of nice yeah that is nice uh so yeah that's my very specific unsolicited advice

so you love the mazda i i i don't love cars so like as long as i'm comfortable in a car i don't love cars. So as long as I'm comfortable in a car, I don't really care about upgrading, changing, constantly shifting. I'm like, this car is fine. Let me just keep paying for it. Yeah, because you only drive to work and around the neighborhood. You're not going on long trips. Right, or to my parents' house, but it's like 10 miles away. Yeah. I'm not taking cross-California trips.

Right. All right. Let's see if we have any more questions about car financing ideally oh no it's actually more interesting questions than that uh okay another question from another lady oh okay uh this one's about baby names good so we'll call her actually loretta lynn just died that's a great name. She was a country singer. Loretta Lynn, RIP. 90 years old. So Loretta writes, hope you're doing well. I have a problem that is extremely minuscule. Okay. One of my lifelong friends recently had a baby and my friend met her husband while studying abroad in Israel.

And they have since moved back to the same city I lived in, which is great because I get to see them all the time and be a part of the baby's life. The only problem is I hate the baby's name. My friend is fully American, but her husband is Israeli. They picked a name that is super cute and relatively common with English pronunciation, but they insist that her name be pronounced the Hebrew way, which sounds very unnatural when I say it. It would be like if the baby's name was Hannah, but they demanded I pronounce it Hannah. I'm not trying to be super racist. After all, I'm also Jewish,

but it annoys me that my friend who grew up with zero Hebrew whatsoever all of a sudden has a baby with an ultra Hebrew name. I think the part that's getting under my skin is that they will correct me every time I accidentally use the English pronunciation. Ugh, I feel like a bad friend or person. I realize I get the turdy for this, but how do I get over this and get used to saying my friend's baby's name the way they want?

Wow. You're right, it is minuscule. How often is she gonna actually say the baby's name is the real thing? Yeah. You can even say baby. Look at that sweet baby. Oh my god, I want to eat this baby. You don't have to say Hannah or Hannah or whatever the baby is. I think, yeah,

you can, I feel like you could give the baby a nickname. They're correcting you for mispronouncing the name, not for calling the baby anything else. So you say, hi baby, hi buddy, hi,

whatever. Give the baby a cute little baby nickname that you call it. Game over. They're not going to be like, Hey, use her name. And if they do do then you also have to do that it's because they it is not your call yeah you it worst case scenario you just have to practice saying this name a bunch and i bet you'll get used to it here's an interesting thing so i thought it was she actually provided the name of the baby in the email okay

and i thought it was going to be one of those words with like a letter that doesn't exist in english like uh kind of like amir is actually amir like you're not supposed to say the r that way yeah or the ha where it's like that's annoying to say hanukkah hummus like that you don't want to be that kind of guy yeah but she says it's okay if you want to say the baby's name on the pod and it's actually not that different way to pronounce it so the baby's name is e-d-e-n you're done so in english it's eden of course but they want me to say eden that's so fine eden yeah eden eden eden which are you know letters we have eden is just it's it's like saying ed like edward and then the letter n yeah it's totally you're but you're like look at this eden oh it's

so sweet eden that's actually oh it's eden yeah yeah i mean so i mean kind of setting up the baby to correct a lot like that's the one thing i don't like about names like that where it's like for the rest of this baby's life she's gonna have to say actually it's ed and that's actually it and it's like yeah at a certain point the baby's just gonna give up you're like it's eden that's fine right doesn't matter um yeah yeah but i think that if your friends are telling you to pronounce their child's name correctly you kind of and and you're it's to be fair she is asking how do i get over this not uh are they wrong because she knows they're right that's right she already feels bad i mean how often do you say right now use your eden is a more familiar word for you than edin but how often do you say eden you know yeah it's not that often of eden right that doesn't come up

very often so just keep on saying Eden. And eventually that's going to be more normal than Eden. And it's not that hard to say. And it doesn't sound that bad. It's cute. It's pretty. Eden. Yeah. There's some, there's some Hebrew names that are unfortunate, like translations. Like there's a Hebrew name for a girl, uh, Mor which is M-O-R-O-N. You know, Moron. That's unfortunate. You don't want to be a Moron. Yeah.

Moron. That is really good. We've had some cousins, Moron, where it's like, I hope you don't move to America. It's not going to be an easy transition. Yeah. Oh, Moron. Yeah. Yeah.

Eden is nice. Eden is actually very nice it reminds me you know that street in los angeles rowena yeah i started calling it rowena at some point and it made me like it a lot better because that that soft e is really it's really nice rowena rowena yeah edin uh all right you'll get over it, Loretta. And if they're cool with a nickname, that also works. But I feel like for them to be cool with a nickname, you have to at least reliably pronounce the baby's name correctly for a little while. And eventually. Yeah.

Call her little E. And then they'll say, actually, it's little eh. Eh. Eh. Eh, like you're clearing your throat. Yeah. I think you're going to be okay. If you practice saying it a bunch, you won't feel dumb saying it. Okay.

Let's take another break. Thanks to some sponsors. Come back with more questions and answers after these. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kingsKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out.

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Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Wow, this must be a ladies' choice episode because it's three ladies asking three questions, and the third one is having a crisis of faith a little bit. Whoa. All right. Save the best for last. Let's call her Mary.

Mother Mary, come to me. Who's, I guess, Jesus's wife or main chick or a side piece or something. I think mom, but I'm honestly not sure. She's actually God's side piece. God had a wife and then cheated on her with Mary. And that's on God. That's not to put on God on blast, but I really think he cheated on his wife with Mary and they made Jesus together.

But let's see what problem Mary had. I'm a 32-year-old woman from Montreal, Quebec. I grew up in a super Christian family, and I've been pretty religious myself. But as I'm getting older, and after a few years away from the church and Christian community, I don't think I believe in God anymore. Should I tell my parents or should I just let them think it's a bad phase? I know they pray for me and they hope I'll come back closer to God. Also, I love you guys so much. I've been following you for five years. Your podcast is helping me get through a rough breakup, probably between her and God. When I need a laugh, I just put you on and feel better. So thank you. Love it. Thank you. Appreciate that. Thanks for everything.

Love, Mary. All right. I'm a big fan of not disappointing your parents. Just like how often do you see them? And does it matter that much if they think you believe in God or not? Right. It only comes up if they're like, now it's time for us to go around and do this God thing. And then it's like, okay, now they push the envelope. Now let's go to church and pray for three hours about God.

If you have a kid, I hope you're going to do this God thing. You have to do it, right? And then it's like, actually, fine. It's snowballed to this point. I just wanted to let you know that I don't believe in God and haven't for the last nine years. Yeah. I've been on both ends of it

where it's like a small lie snowballs into a bigger reveal later on where it's like it's almost better to do the micro disappointments along the way. Although this seems like a major disappointment. Yeah. Is it the same? It's like if you're a non-God believer,

if your kid at age 32 is like, I believe in God, would you be as disappointed as these parents who are like hearing for the first time that their child doesn't believe in God? I mean, it would depend on so many factors. But on taking that at face, I would be disappointed. You'd be like, what are you talking about? Yeah. But there are, Stephen Colbert

is somebody who, like, deeply believes in God. Right. And, like, I feel like... They always get around in it by being like, yeah, I believe in a strong connection, and that's my God. It's like, well, then you don't believe in God, really. You're just saying you believe in, like, something important. I guess I also believe in

the power of positive thinking. The universe. Yeah, exactly. Like, yeah, I believe in things like of positive universe yeah exactly like yeah i believe in things like that but i mean there are people that are just like no i yeah like so you believe in uh making connections and that's your religion i believe uh there is a guy in the sky and i will go to heaven and live forever and be happily ever after it's yeah there's a lot of loopholes in this believing in God thing. Yeah. So I think it depends on how much, if my kid was like, I believe in God, I'm like, that's,

I theoretically would be like, that's good for you. Don't try to push it on people. I have no son. That's weird. And yeah, I don't know. I mean, it depends how much time you spend with your parents and how overbearing they are about it i think i think not i think not believing in god to somebody who does believe in god or parents that do is more disappointing because it's like such a part of

their life slash like i don't know brain that they raise you and they they could almost consider themselves failures to be like i how did i raise this child to question god even though really people also it's a sign that you raised them correctly that they were able to critically think past your specific viewpoint right that's true but they also there's like the added thing of like parents who believe in god and believe in heaven and who have a kid that loses faith they're actually like well they're condemned to eternal damnation they're gonna feel the fire of hell for eternity yeah i'm pretty concerned about that i'm scared that you'll go to hell though yeah that's and that's a you know, for somebody that believes, that's a really sad and scary belief that, like, this person that I love is, I'm going to go to heaven and they're going to go to hell.

We won't get to be together in the afterlife. So it's a very... Yeah, that's pretty intense to think. Like, I have no real proof, but, like, that's what I've been taught, that you're just going to, I think, go to hell. You're going to fucking go to hell yeah you're gonna fucking go to hell it's and it's kind of a hard uh circle to square or whatever that phrase is but like if heaven is if heaven is like everything is perfect then your kid actually would be there right but they'll go to hell so how is heaven good if that's not i don't know thankfully it's not real and then you don't

have to actually worry once you get there but you're gonna feel so stupid if you go to hell you're gonna feel so dumb yeah i feel like you could spend a thousand years there you should have been like if only for the fucking 70 i was alive i believed i wouldn't be in this fucking dark carnation slash damnation. You know, by the way, at the very least, you could say, you could just agree with them that it's a phase. Like, yeah, I think maybe I am going through a phase, but I like question my faith and I don't feel like I believe right now. Maybe my journey will lead me back to believing. Maybe they can tell you about their doubts or something, you could rather than being like no i'll never

believe it's you could just be like yeah i don't believe in god right now lost my faith and maybe maybe we'll see what happens as i get older but by all means continue to pray for me because that's that's something that would make you feel better i don't care but you can you could do like the vague loophole where it's like i I do believe in a higher power. Like that's honestly my love of music. Is it God or is it Jesus? I was going to say it's my love of poetry. Poetry is pretty good, but not as good as Jesus.

You think Jesus saved you? Jesus wrote poetry? You're saying it really specifically, Mom. I'm just saying that I believe in this cosmic connection we all have. No, you really have to believe that this guy was the son of God and he's

going to save you from going to hell. The more specific it gets, the harder it is to wrap your head around. It's really true. So, I mean, the three it is to wrap your head around. It's really true. So I, there's, I mean, the three options are lie, say that you believe, but you're busy doing other stuff. The micro disappointments say that like, oh yeah, no, no, I believe I just don't feel like compelled to go to church right now. I'm not there. And then, you know, you keep on going really slowly

down that off ramp or lastly lastly you blow it all up and you say i don't believe but to me it's like the the like the constant fight would be a real drain i don't know it's tough it is tough yeah because it's it's parents plus religion those are the big two i wonder if anybody has like an easier question oh here's one about uh the best bagels to get in new york oh i love that yeah that one has an actual answer a simple question for you i'm flying to new york in november where should i get the best bagel are you a bagel guy uh not really i i'm just a big fan of like i mean there are there's um frankl's in our neighborhood is really good yeah i honestly think bagels are too big if yeah i should speak freely it's uh

by the end of the bagel you feel like you've had i think there is like some correlation like eight slices of bread where it's like i didn't need to eat like i can have half of a bagel and feel fine i don't need to it does depend there's also a place called black star diner that that does like a very it's a smaller more manageable bagel and so does uh frankl's but yeah like a lot of the big brooklyn places are just like huge huge bagel ton of cream cheese yeah i'm a big fan of just like the classic bodega breakfast sandwich. I think that's the best thing you can get in New York. A roll.

Egg and cheese on a croissant from the bodega. It's incredible. What's that Lower East Side place that I went to? It's like a Jewish deli bagel outpost. Oh. Like they just opened a new, Is it Russ and Daughters? That is one. There's like another one upstown

and then they opened a... I forget what it was called. They opened one in the Lower East Side. I'm looking online right now. Gosh. I wish I could provide you. But I went there and they had good food beyond just bagels. Let me see. Yeah, I could provide you. But I went there and they had good food beyond just bagels.

Let me see. Yeah, I don't know. It's just a specific bagel. Oh, it must be Russ and Daughters. There's a newer one that they opened? I mean, there is one down East Houston. Yeah, it's not that. It's like even souther than that.

Oh, interesting. It's like a blue and white one. Oh, interesting. It's like a blue and white. Oh, black. It's black seed bagels. Is it? That doesn't sound familiar. That's the one I was thinking of. Oh, Russ and Daughters Cafe. That's what it is.

So Russ and Daughters has a place on Houston. And then there's a Jewish comfort food that has bagels. A cafe on Delancey in the Lower East Side. That's my recommendation. But yeah, I'd rather go to like a deli, like Katz's Deli than just a specific bagel shop. And I'd rather, I think that the move is to tell your parents that you don't believe in God, but that's just who you are

and you're okay with them believing in God. Because if you're talking about the bagel guy. Yeah, I'm talking about the bagel thing again. But if you make it about like, you should believe, you should believe, I don't, you just have to be like, that's not me. I respect what you guys feel like, but that's not me. That's not good enough. That's all you can do. What percentage of Americans do you believe in God?

Wow. Or do you think believe in God? 65. Or do you think believe in God? 65%. Oh, you think it's the majority? I do think it's the majority. This random article I just Googled says it's 81%. Wow. Is that what you would have thought or you would have thought less?

I would have thought less. I thought I read something like now atheists are the majority in America, but I guess not. Interesting. Yeah. Well, it's according to that random article. Exactly. Fakegodfacts.com says 81%.

Wow. That's a lot. Incredible. So we're in the minority there. I guess so. Okay, enjoy your bagels if you want them. Or God if you want. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life.

I just prefer matzo ball soup, I guess. To God. Yeah. All right, if you have your own questions, your own debates that you want us to settle, or theme songs, send them all down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. That's right. If you have your own questions, your own debates that you want us to settle, or theme songs, send them all down to ifirewshow at gmail.com. That's right. And...

We are still making videos on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash J-A. Ja. There might be a new Jake and Amir video if I can convince Amir to order a bunch of Halloween costumes for next week. That's right. The hard part is ordering and returning them. But once you do that, the script writes itself.

Exactly. And we will be back, of course, next week. Every week. For the rest of our lives. Right on. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. And one more time, what was that guy's name? That classic, classic song that we didn't remember if they had just written it or not.

Caleb, maybe? Caleb Grenier. That sounds right. Grenier. Caleb Grenier. Well, this is a story of If I Were You, a podcast ran by two coy Jews. They're both really funny and give great advice, but only one can win the golden mic. If Amir doesn't win pretty soon, I fear he might kill himself over Zoom. So sit down and

listen to If I Were You, and we'll see if Jake can finally lose. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I

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