Segments - 563: Demons

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

In this episode we discuss blockbuster videos and lackluster burritos. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. This is Amir.

You may know me from college humor Or from the third Harold and Kumar Yes And now you're listening to my podcast I am so gassed To give advice on all that you've asked And if at points you think I've been crass Take it up with me on Thursday

last, on Thursday last. This is her wit Maybe you're thinking that you might kiss Someone who you think could make a fuss And then they won't be able to trust. You are the fans

Who make us both a part of your plans You wear us like an old pair of vans We hope that we've been able to transform all your lies And though this council's only advice Maybe it's made some of you think twice Every email's a roll of the dice Right to assume We can't promise we'll find a way through

After all, we are just two jujus Still it's fun to think, what would we do? What would I do if I were you? Nice. Oh, he's coming back in with another verse. We should do one episode that's a 48-minute song. If somebody's willing.

We'll dance for 48 minutes. That was long, and we started it like 30 seconds in. He had an intro. Yeah. The song had an intro longer than most of our podcasts do. You low-key almost didn't play it. I waited and waited and waited and then I'm like, I'm out. And then you're like, no, give it a chance.

Yeah. And now I'm not even going to say who wrote it because I don't want to give it that much of a chance. All right. Fine. I will. Please. Actually, not only did I give him a second chance, but his first email didn't include the song. Really?

I had to reply and say he didn't attach anything. So this guy did a lot for the song, but the bare minimum elsewhere. Yeah, I guess that's true. He wrote, Matthew Pope, heard your call for submissions. Please check out my latest Hope You Like. Sorry the track's so long, but I felt the intro was necessary. Yeah, I love that. Shit.

You cut it. I disagree. I disagree with that. Well, the intro was necessary. The greatest songs start like instantly. Yeah, my girlfriend. Doesn't that start like instantly? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like second frame one. Yeah, that's really good. There's no like,. Yeah, my girlfriend. Doesn't that start like instantly? Oh, yeah, yeah. Like second frame one. Yeah, that's really good. There's no like, dee, dee, dee, dee. My friend's got a girlfriend. Yeah, that's a good one too. Instantly. A song that's like,

you hit play and then it's like, I can't think of a third example. Right. But you guys know what I'm talking about. Totally, totally. Yeah, I can't think of another example. What's another? When you press play and then it's like,

there's another Offspring song that goes When you press play and then it's like. There's another Offspring song that goes, including J&A theme tunes. That would be sick. Tight. Thank you. Thank you, Matt Pope. Yeah. Big ups to Pope.

A few cool things about this episode. One, we're in studio again. Of course. So we're in the same room. Yeah. It's fun to be here together. We're constantly shifting. Sometimes it's Zoom.

Sometimes it's room. Sometimes it's two different studios. Yeah. Yeah. We have yet to do a me and you in the New York studio. That's what I want to do. I think that'll be my favorite. That'll be my favorite permutation, but this one's my second favorite.

We've also never done one outdoors. Oh, that's true. The closest we did was the Dublin Comedy Festival, I think. Which was a tent. Tented episode. It was outdoors adjacent. That was one of my favorite shows we've ever done, I think. Which was a tent. Tented episode. It was outdoors adjacent. That was one of my favorite shows we've ever done, I believe. So if you're listening to this, you can also watch a pretty high quality Fall Goes Well version of this podcast on our YouTube channel. Right, which is?

It's like youtube.com slash if I were you or if I were your show or something like that. Yeah, something like that. It's a Google search away. They got to earn it too. Or YouTube search, yeah. And then also, I don't have my computer. It's just my phone right now. Amazing.

Because we solicited... Instagram questions. Instagram questions. So I can't even access them on the internet. Folks, if you're not following at Jake and Amir on Instagram, is it at Jake and Amir or is it at Jake dot and dot Amir? Yeah. Yes. It's Jake dot and.amir. Yeah. Yes, it's jake.and.amir on Instagram.

We couldn't get Jake and Amir just straight up? No, it was poached on the day. Right. By Matthew Pope, actually. I wonder. He stole it. Did we get DM'd that guy? The guy that owns the regular Jake and Amir channel?

I think they're holding it hostage, though. That makes sense. But we got some pretty good questions from y'all. And let's try to dive right into it. A lightning round. Not unlike last week where we asked for questions on Twitter. This is the Instagram version of If I Were You, the only advice pod on the internet hosted by us. Woo!

I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I'm also about to DM the Instagram user, at Jake and Amir, which is just, they have two photos, two very old photos of us. Yeah. They don't need it. They follow me. They do follow you.

Yeah. Their last post was 2013. You think they're checking that DM, though? Maybe. I'm worried that they're not checking it. Probably not. Because it's an eight-year-old Instagram account. Right. Did you see that I'm trying to sell my Instagram? I did see that. I didn't feel like you were sincere in that regard. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of

Iranian slash Persian fellows just follow me because they're friends with an Amir and they search Amir and then they just click follow. Yeah. And so I'm thinking, what if one of them is hella loaded? Right. Heck a loaded actually. Yeah. And then they offer me big bucks for the account at Amir. Or maybe there's a company called Amir. Yeah, that's true.

That's like, we really want that. Wow, what a great URL. So you're just posting it. You should put that in your bio. Selling the name. Yeah, this handle is for sale, DM me. Yeah. And I keep changing the price.

I think the last one I just said was $20,000. And you would actually do that, right? Yeah, sure. Right. Yeah. Because then I'd have 20 grand and then I just wouldn't use Instagram anymore. You wouldn't use Instagram anymore? Or I'd just use the Jake and Amir account or something.

Right. There it is. Yeah. Because Instagram is sort of dying anyway. Yeah. I feel like now is my time to sell a little bit higher than it will be. Right. Before it completely becomes just like a TikTok. That's cool. Okay. dying anyway yeah i feel like now is my time to sell a little bit higher than it will be before it completely becomes just like a tiktok that's cool uh okay do we get any questions that you like

uh yeah uh it's matthew lucente says jake how does it feel constantly having all that dead weight that is a mirror interesting um do you want to take that one or should i i think he's just sort of trying to separate slash antagonize create a riftift in us, but our bond is too strong. There's no way you would ever even justify that with a response. But let's hear what you have to say in a goofy fashion. It's weighed on me for a long time. It's weighed on you? It's weighed on me for a long time.

Oh, yeah. I was going to say, go fuck yourself. Or you can. You can be like, this is what i think about that right um actually there's two answers yeah for those listening oh god that's good stuff um all right. When will Ben join the pod again? Should we FaceTime him? Maybe we can get him on, like, video. Let's try.

He's going to instantly hang up. There's no way. There is no way he continues it. FaceTime him. FaceTime him. He will instantly hang up. He loves a good instant hang up. Yeah.

No one does an instant hang up better than Ben Schwartz. All right, here we go. You might not even answer, right? That's good. Yeah. So we are, for those at home, we're FaceTiming. You can hear the... Yeah, he's unavailable.

But that's, just so you know, we were dangerously close. Who asked that question? That's a great question. It was the Jack Thrasher. Okay. So know that we're always trying. We are listening to your suggestions. He left us on red.

Fair enough. And it made us feel blue. Taylor5413 says, can you guys make Cheryl 4? Interesting. I didn't even know we made Cheryl 3. Did we? I don't think we did. I thought we only did 2. Well, this person's thinking ahead.

It's the Allison Williams, Jake and Amir episodes. We definitely made 1 and 2. Yeah, definitely made 1 and 2. I don't think we made 3 and two i don't think we made three i really don't think we're gonna make four then what we'd have to we'd have to get allison for two yeah facetimer just constantly facetime people who don't pick up um i'm gonna i'm gonna see if we made three jake and me or cheryl part three, it was only, only, oh yeah. No, double date. Yeah, no, no, we did not do a part three. No, yeah.

But I love the idea. What did your, this is a good question. Modern Base Paul, what did your hometown blockbuster turn into after they closed? Oh, interesting fact. My hometown did not have a blockbuster. We had a, like a non-chain called Best Video. Incredible store. It is still there today.

Wow. VHS, DVDs? VHS, DVDs. They now, I mean, they like, they, I think they like rent rare movies

and DVDs now or like things you can't find on streaming or maybe just like, yeah, it's fun. It's fun. they're also a travel agency which is like another bad thing dying things in a radio shack uh and uh a coffee place and they do like open mic so i think it's kind of like a little artist all in one there was

also um a tommy k's video which became to Tommy's tanning, a tanning salon. That's good. That's when at least you can't, that can't go home. You know, you can't just like download a tan. Right. So our strip mall next to our house growing up was, it was a Barnes & Noble, which is now a CVS. Right. It was a Blockbuster Noble, which is now a CVS. Right. It was a Blockbuster,

which became a Chase Bank. And it was a Gelson's, which is now an Amazon Fresh. Really? Yeah. Goddamn. So that's the current modern dystopia

that we're living in. This world sucks. Yeah, no bookstores. Actually, I just saw a Barnes & Noble in Burbank. Really? I almost had to pop in. That was like a thing

before you were like 18, but after 16, when you were driving places, we would just drive to Barnes and Noble. Yeah. Like it was like one of the few, you can like look at magazines and stuff like that. Yeah. Barnes and Noble is a fun place to walk around in.

They still haven't been in New York. They're still the one in Union Square. Oh, really? Yeah. That's great. That's nice that there's four Barnes and Noble left. Is it wrong to become lord of the dance says Sidewinder Sean what does that mean?

not sure okay hey Jake would you let Amir wear your hat for the rest of the pod says Bonjwaffles absolutely not yeah no way

couple different factors going into that decision. One, I haven't showered since yesterday. I took a shower at the gym. Shout out to Equinox. Shout out to my jacked body. And then I didn't brush or comb the hair, so it's kind of a little nest right now. Sort of what my hair looks like.

No, your hair looks fine. I showered recently and I didn't comb it. You didn't comb it? No. But I guess you have more, like my hair is wavy. So if I don't comb it a certain way, it dries. My hair is stringy because it's turning gray. And I guess gray hair is drier than brown.

That's fascinating. Yeah. That's why when you see like gray hair that's like doc brown style you wouldn't see that like as a brown hair right you wouldn't see that like wave like falling down in waves yeah exactly right cool uh and what's the third reason your hair is greasy unkempt you have lice and maggots and mice lights lice and mice. Lice and mice. And everything nice. What is your favorite? M.M. Holler asks, what's your favorite Amir pen name during the Skrull episodes?

Top 10 this to whatever by? Maybe Amir Valerie, or no, Amir Rodrigo O. I don't even know if there's an Amir in there. I think it's just Rodrigo O. Yeah. Okay. Then it's that one. Rodrigo O. O! Amir Valery Blumenfeld is also just like a classic.

But I don't know if I can even think of the other ones. Amir Valery Blumenfeld. Hurwitz? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You go, no. And I go, oh, yeah. That's good, too. They're all gold to me.

I've stolen your name. Rachel Lombok asks, what are you guys being for Halloween this year? That's a good question. I do need to come up with a costume. I'm thinking about pivoting back to cat. A lot of folks know that I was a black cat for nine years in a row. Ended up kind of being a performance art piece. Life is art.

Yeah. A cat has nine lives. Then after that, I was a lion. And this year, I don't know what I'm going to be. And I think I might go back to cat. I'm going to go to a party. I'm going to go to a party. Are you going to go to a party? No, probably not.

Is that more because of like a COVID thing or because of like being an old thing? It's sort of a combination of like, I don't want to go to like a crowded bar party because of COVID dangers. Plus, I wouldn't necessarily have a lot of fun there anymore. Right. You know. Interesting. So it's not worth the risk to you. Risk plus reward.

It's more risky than a rewardful experience. Interesting. Is your party like a house party at a friend's or like pay $75 and this place is open bar? House party at a friend's to a bar party. A bardy. A bardy, yeah. So you need a costume. I do need a costume.

That's another barrier to entry. I don't know what... You don't need much, though, for a costume. You'd have to... Just wear your tennis outfit and hold your racket. Your Andre Agassi.

That's perfect. I need a wig. Actually, last year, maybe a year before, I bought a Messi jersey. Oh, that's right. That's right. You need a wig. Actually, last year, maybe a year before, I bought a Messi jersey. Oh, that's right. That's right. You can do that again.

All right, one more and then we'll take a break. We may have to buy a new jersey now that he's on PSG. It's actually really expensive to buy a soccer jersey, I found out. Football, yeah. Yeah. It was like, I had to go to a specialty store because they're not even everywhere. And then I was like, this one was like $140. You got the official one?

Yeah. I'm like, give me the one that doesn't say Messi on it's like, this one was like $140. You got the official one? Yeah. I'm like, give me the one that doesn't say Messi on it, I guess. A generic Barca jersey. Here's one that's interesting. Junior Mountie asks, have you seen each other's cocks? I feel like we've gotten this question before, and I have seen your penis. I believe twice, maybe thrice.

Wow. And it is nice. You have a hog on the phone. Wow. And it is nice. You have a hog room of all. Congratulations. Put it there, pal. Yours is different. Yeah. You can say how.

I saw yours this morning. Yeah, that's right. You were doing a quick change, or that's what you called it, but I think the pants got stuck in your thighs. That's right. I fell over. You were hopping on one leg. Right. We could all see you. it, but I think the pants got stuck in your thighs. I fell over. You were hopping on one leg. Right.

We could all see you. Yeah, across the way. You said, hold on, hold on, one second, one second. Yeah. And then you fell on your dick. Yeah, I fell on my penis, yeah. And you showed it to everyone. You said, is it usually this beet red?

I really think I injured it. And we said, are you okay? And you said, I'm not sure if I am. But if I am okay, the show must go flying. It's interesting that we got this question today, given that that happened so recently. Yeah, I can't remember seeing your D. When we went skinny dipping in Florida. I gave you the courtesy, the honor of staring at your eyes.

And you did me the disservice of sort of staring at my groin. I'm surprised you wouldn't have seen my penis. I feel like I peed in the car while you were in it. Yeah, you've done a lot of Gatorade bottles. Yeah. But again, I wasn't... You weren't peeping. Scaring.

As a Tom. Yeah, as it were. Do you still do that, the Gatorade bottle pee situation? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. My sister, Sarah, who I gave... you know, I gave her my truck. Uh-oh. Where is this going?

She was, like, telling me last week. I drank all the Gatorade in your trunk as an honorable thing to do. She was like, I keep your Gatorade bottle in there because it, like, reminds me of you. I was like, wow, even though I, even though it doesn't smell like piss. And she was like, you peed in that one? She thought that I just had it at the ready for like... Just in case. A new bottle. And I was like, no, no, no.

I pee in it repeatedly and dump it out. She's like, you reuse them? I thought you just like peed in them and threw them away. And got a new Gatorade. Yeah, no, like that's just the bathroom. That's the pee. And I would eventually throw it out. But like, I mean, probably after months. But not when selling the car.

Yeah. I think each one probably held like 12 to 24 pisses. Yeah. You would do it in front of Jill, right? Yeah. Yeah. I would have to. There's no other option.

It's weird because like Jill would, we'd be driving and I'd have to pee and Jill would get annoyed that I needed to pull over. And she would always be like, well, we're always going to be like half an hour later than we think because you have to pee twice. That's right. So then I'm peeing in a Gatorade bottle and she's just like grossed out. Which one do you want? It's not like – We're not going to leave early or I'm not going to piss myself. Well, it's like, yeah, we either have to pull over or I have to pee in the car.

And I don't know which one you would rather. But it seems like she would rather me just be able to hold it, which is a non-starter. That can't happen. No. Although you have been sort of hacking your body recently and like checking off things that used to ail you. Maybe that can be one of the things. Yeah, it's definitely, that would not be a bad thing to look into.

I just don't know if I want, like if the doctor gives me medicine that I have to take for it, I'm not interested. Or if it's like bad news, there's like, oh, there's this weird thing on your bladder. Right, where they amputate your beet red penis. You can't handle that. But you'd rather deal with the frequent urination.

It's not that big of a deal to me. To me. All right, let's take a break. Answer some more questions after these messages. This thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey, yo, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Enough. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes.

And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary

for a limited time only. Episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't know if you guys know this, but life can be low-key stressful or anxious at times. I know. I was surprised, too. I couldn't believe it. But I turned 40.

I'm like, you know what? Nothing is necessarily easy ever. And talking to a licensed therapist is actually the best way to navigate that. Because in high school, you learn, like, calculus, but then you don't really know what to do if you're sad. Like they'll teach you geometry, but like, how do I act if my stomach hurts all the time, because I'm really nervous about something and I can't quite pinpoint it. Well, you can finally figure that stuff out by talking to a licensed therapist. And the best way to find a therapist is by using BetterHelp. You just sign onto their website, you fill out a questionnaire, and then you get matched with a licensed therapist. And

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Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to the podcast See The Thing Is for sponsoring this episode. A podcast hosted by Grammy award-winning R&B artist Bridget Kelly and media personality Mandy B. Every week, Bridget and Mandy offer grown, honest, and slightly toxic perspectives on all things music, pop culture, and of course, love slash dating slash relationships. So if you have a hard time finding new music, or perhaps you're a millennial that misses life in the early 2000s, or you're interested in multiple perspectives on relationships and dating, check them out. See, The Thing Is is a podcast that allows space for a wide range of thoughts and emotions. They got awesome guests

like Big Frito, Remy Ma, Chloe Bailey, and Nao, and more. So if you are in the market for a new podcast in your rotation, check them out. It's called See The Thing Is. And we're back. Yo, yo. So many questions this episode.

We got to just plow through. Yeah. Besides your unsolicited of pissing in a Gatorade. It's like, I feel like we already kind of did that. It's already been covered.

I have a good one. Alex Sundin. Who's a guest that's been on your shows that you think forgot they did if I were you? Jay Moore. Oh, wow. You had that at the ready. A hundred percent it's Jay Moore. What about Yardley Smith, a.k.a. the voice of Lisa Simpson?

I guess, yeah, I'm pretty positive that she forgot. Yeah. But also, I wonder how many podcasts she does. I know she hosts her own podcast. I think she did a lot at that time to promote her show. I see. So she definitely did forget. Yeah.

Dr. Drew. We technically went on his show when he forgot about us. Yeah. Shane Dawson. I don't even remember that. Yeah. We technically went on his show. What do you think about us? Yeah. Shane Dawson. I don't even remember that. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I. Justine. I. Justine? No, she remembers. She remembers. Yeah, I think she remembers. That's cool. Yeah. Early on.

Gabrus? He's done it nine times. I hope he didn't forget. Let me FaceTime him. Everyone's ignoring you. All right. Max Ferg asks, what was the most recent time you cried? Wow.

Probably when my dog was sick and I thought he was going to die. Oh, wow. That is really recent. I'm so sorry. It's okay. It was like maybe three or four months ago. He had a cough for a week. Yeah, the honk.

Yeah, he was basically honking like a goose nonstop. And it was like, he either has heart failure, dying, or has a cough. And that's what they told you at the vet? Not in that plain terms. But yeah, that was basically what it was narrowed down to. So it's like, we would take him to get an x-ray. Wow. And it was like, we're waiting for the results of an x-ray.

And that x-ray was going to be like, it's heart failure or fine. Yeah. Terminal or fine. Right. And that was when you cried. Yeah. That whole week was like

hunking, stressful, crying. Right. You were crying multiple times throughout that week? Multiple times like distraught and then like one time like it surfaced out where tears actually flowed out. Like this is the end. throughout that week? Multiple times, like, distraught, and then, like, one time, like, it surfaced out where tears actually flowed out.

Like, this is the end. And then he just stopped talking. I honestly think he was just probably just trying to get me to cry. I'm, like, I'm so freaked out. When was the last time you cried before that? Oh, I don't know. Probably when my dog...

Because you never cry.... choked on a pear. I don't think you ever cry. Yeah. I mean, when people ask this question, there's like different like bars for crying. Like sometimes people get choked up at a movie and they're like, oh, I cried at that movie. Yeah, right. So there's like that. And then there's like actual bawling like tears.

Yeah, yeah. So it depends on where your bar is set. But the dog was bawling tears. The dog was, yeah, tears coming out. Was it heaving? Was it like, I like to think not, but I browned out

because of the lack of sleep due to the honking dog. Yeah, yeah. So there's a lot going on. Yeah. Wow. I mean, you have a dog now. You'll feel it in 10 to 15 years.

There have been small things that have, like, crept up. Like, sometimes when I just think about how much I love him, I'm like, I can't imagine anything happening. And then, like, a small thought in my head is, like, people outlive their dogs. Yeah. And. If all goes well, you'll see your dog die. Yeah. That's not good for me fortunately

humans live forever so we'll never have to say goodbye to anything more important than the dog yeah no i really it's all so sad it's all so hopeless but it's nice to have a dog yeah it's good the dog is so good that it's worth just being distraught when it hunks for a week. Yeah, his joy is so pure and good. Yes, exactly. He loves fucking food and balls. And that's it. And seeing me, because I'm the guy that provides those things. I'm the ball god.

Yeah, I'm treat machine. He knows me as the treat machine, and he treats me as such. You're a dispenser to him. Yeah, but goddamn, does he love a dispenser. Call me Spencer, because I You're a dispenser to him. Yeah. But goddamn, does he love a dispenser? Call me Spencer because I'm a snack dispenser. And don't diss Spencer. When was the last time you cried?

I cry all the time. I was at a wedding two weeks ago. Cried during the sister's speech. Was at a funeral last week. I cried when my cousin read a letter to her grandmother. Yeah, that'll get you. That killed me. That'll get you for sure. Yeah, I cried.

I believe I cried watching Doctor Strange Multiverse of Mad madness on my way here. Okay. In your car. I will just, I mean, I well up at fucking anything. Anything. You're emotional. Very.

I mean, also, I think I've gotten, I've always been emotional, but I've gotten more, I didn't used to cry at a wedding. And last, or two weeks ago when we went to this wedding, I cried multiple times. Multiple times. So you're getting more emotional. And not like, oh, like my eyes are welling up. Not like heaving, but like the tears rolling down my cheeks and being like, Jesus Christ. This is ridiculous.

And like, and Jillian like rubbing my knee because I'm just like, yeah. She read a poem and I'm just destroyed. Was the poem any good? Yeah. Yeah, the poem was good. It was a segment of, I guess it was a short story, really. But like, you know, E.B. Cummings, This is New York. Yeah.

E.E. Cummings. E.E. Cummings, sorry. Yeah, it was that. It's interesting that there's tears, whether it's joy or sadness. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And they kind of feel the same. Because the joy tears are because you're recognizing how beautiful and short life is.

And how sad joy is. It's like, I'm so happy and it's so good to be this happy because you won't always be interesting yeah so it's always kind of sad it's always a little bittersweet yeah and when you're sad you're like i'm sad but it's good to cry because you're feeling something yeah you're not suppressing the emotions so yeah sometimes i think there have been times in my life when i've like wanted to cry that i knew that crying would like help relieve some of like this tension and stress, but the tears wouldn't come. So when you do get a burping situation. Yeah, exactly.

When they start to come, you just got to let them. That's my unsolicited advice. I've heard that. I need help naming a cat. He's dumb and looks like a mirror. Shmuel. That's pretty good looks like a mirror. Shmuel. That's pretty good. Shmoo.

Shmuel. Shmoo-moo. Any shmoo-based cat name works. Do you have nicknames for Luke? Yes. What do you call him? Sometimes I call him Ween or Weeno. Weeno.

Sometimes I call him Sweeno or Sween. Sometimes I call him Sweeto or Kono if he's wearing a cone. Sweet-o, just-o. Yeah. King Ween if he's like sitting on top of a lot of pillows. So Ween is kind of – Loose. I'm not done. Loose or Lucy. It's so funny how many nicknames animals have.

Yeah, they already have a fake name. Right, they have a fake name. I called Dingo Dinger, Dingy, Dingus. That might as well be his name. Yeah, you could easily – I'd never call him Dingo Dinger, Dingy, Dingus. That might as well be his name. Yeah, you could easily. I never call him Dingo. I guess sometimes when I really want him to come, I call him Dingo. But lately, I've also just been calling him Doo-Doo.

Would you say Dingo was his name-o? Yeah, Dingo is his name-o. Was his name-o? Yeah. I told you the story already. I was going to name him Cisco after one of my favorite beaches in Nantucket. After one of my favorite artists. Yeah.

And then I was on my way home with him in the car and I just looked at him and I was like, it's a dingo. And I got back and Jill and I had already said we were going to name him Cisco. And I got it and I was like, I'm sorry, I've been calling him dingo in the car. And she was like, that's better. And then we just started calling him Dingo. How long does it take for you to write a sketch to by the time it's on YouTube? Are they talking about Jake and Mir? I mean, we don't write them at all.

Yeah, but I guess from writing to it being online. Two weeks. Yeah. Two to four weeks. Right. Yeah. Although now the turnaround is getting faster where I think we recorded one the other day and Jeff like edited it that night. Yeah. Basically, the workflow in an ideal world is we have scripts two weeks before we shoot so we can tweak, give notes, get the final drafts ready.

Then we shoot them, and then one comes out two weeks after we shoot, the other one comes out four weeks after we shoot. That's like a nice comfortable flow for everybody. Right. But if in a pinch we don't have a video, we can write, shoot, edit, post in theory in 24 hours. Right. It just kind of sucks for everyone. It's like a day-ish of writing, a day-ish of shooting, and a day-ish of editing. Yeah. It's the old three-day-ish technique.

Yeah. But it can be condensed. Riley J. Cohen asks the important question, preferred bean. And don't just say pinto yeah I don't really have coffee that's good that's smart let's say in a burrito don't sleep on

the garbanzo aka the hummus bean not in a burrito I said let's say in a burrito you would put a hummus you would put a fucking chickpea in a burrito I guess in a burrito. I said let's say in a burrito. You would put a fucking chickpea in a burrito? I guess in a burrito I prefer – I don't really like burritos quite frankly. It's a little too frank for me. It's just they're often too big and I don't – I can't portion my own favorite bites.

It's like I'm getting all beans or all meat or all this or all that. It's also I'm getting all beans or all meat or all this or all that. It's also very messy. I do think that they should make burritos smaller and just give you two. You know, like when they cut a burrito in half? Well, that's why I prefer tacos. But that's not good enough either because the burrito has all of the stuff inside. I don't like tacos because they're hard to eat. They're messy.

They fall apart. Yeah. And there's not enough stuff in them. It's just like... A little meat, a little beans. Yeah. I want the burrito, but... But the burrito, you could take a bite and it's all rice. Yeah, that's not all rice. I'm saying two burritos, slightly thinner.

Basically the size, each one the size of a cannoli. An egg roll of sorts. An egg roll, yes. A burrito the size of a cannoli. Okay. An egg roll of sorts. An egg roll, yes, precisely. A burrito the size of a big egg roll. Yeah, or a Twinkie.

Those are really small. Are they really small? Yeah. Okay. A burrito the size of a hot dog bun. Okay. Two hot dog buns. Right.

It's because they're slender. They're slender. They're condensed like that. Because, you know, when you have a big burrito, you can't even, I think you should be able to bite the whole thing. You should really put the entire hog into your mouth. It shouldn't be like the side, the corner, the piece, the edge. Right.

Exactly. You get a piece that's whole hog. Yeah, exactly. I think each bite should have. I prefer a breakfast burrito. Breakfast burritos are great. I'm not quite done. I'm not quite done.

Cause I have a point to make. I think when you take a bite of the burrito, it should have everything you asked for in each bite. But that's impossible. So it's not impossible. Not if you have the Slender Man's burrito. Then you have to have almost like a sushi roll. Like one layer of rice. Precisely.

One layer of beans. One layer of this. Yes. And it's not that hard. If you make them slender enough. That's never happened before. It's never happened before? I've never seen like

Don't say that it can't be done. Concentric circles It's never happened before but it's not that it can't be done. The perfect bite in a burrito is where you slice it. It almost is like a sushi roll. Yeah, and you can do it

when it's more slender. You've got the rice. You've got the Excuse me. Don't zone out. You can't do it when you're when it's more slender you've got the rice you've got excuse me don't don't zone out you can't police my attitude if i'm gonna have to sit here and listen you you can't tell me not to zone out i feel you becoming disinterested in the answer right i'm not what's in the burrito i know what's in it the rice rice, the beans, the meat.

Yes, the cheese. Guacamole, cheese, sour cream. Salsa, potentially. Salsa, potentially. Salsa, definitely. Don't look at your phone. Where else do you have to be? What else do you have to do besides listen to my burrito idea?

Answer more questions. My slender burrito idea. Absolutely. Answer more questions. Fine. We can move on. How does the pinch feel about Blink-182 getting back together? Are you going to a show?

We kind of talked about this last week, but. Yeah. I'm amped. I hadn't heard their new song, Edging. Murph showed it to me last night. He was like, have you heard their new song? And I was like, no. He's like, I think it kind of sucks.

And he's like, don't let me yuck your yum. Don't let me color your attitude on it. And then I listened to it. I was like, I fucking love it. Oh, I think it kind of sucks. And he's like, don't let me yuck your yum. Don't let me color your attitude on it. And then I listened to it. I was like, I fucking love it. Oh, you loved it. I do love it. I think it's so, I just like that they're not necessarily trying to do anything new. It's a throwback.

Yeah, it is kind of a throwback. The lyrics are really dumb. And yeah, I mean, it's just still them, which I really like. And I will definitely be going to a show. I don't know where yet. I'm hoping that there's like a

NADDPod show in the UK around the same time. I would love to go to a Blink show in London. Just send the their routing to Andrew Russell and then have them pick eight spots and then we'll match them city for city. Then you can't go to the shows. Right. We'd have to

stagger it a little bit. They're definitely doing, they're probably doing bigger venues than me, right? I feel like I don't know if I ever played for 40,000 people. You have not. You don't know if you have. I'm saying I would remember that. Yeah, you would.

Because you would have sold 3% of it and it would have been one of the worst days of your life. Asshole. 72 Steak Roxy asks, have you ever been to Lithuania? No. I don't know that I could

point out where it is on a map. It's got to be Europe at least. And is it closer to Finland or Estonia? I would say it's closer to Estonia. I would say it's where I think Croatia is, is actually Lithuania. I think it's a little, it's... Eastern Europe. It has to be. Yeah, it's Eastern Europe. It's near Belarus, I'm going to say.

Yeah. There are a lot of basketball players from there. From Lithuania? Yeah. Latvia, Lithuania, Serbia, Slovenia. Oh, God. All of these places. Yeah, so these are all north of the Czech Republic, right?

Definitely north of Africa. And I want to say north of South Africa. Right. And east of America for cheesy. South of the North Pole. All right. Let's pull it up on the map. How can we gamify this? Yeah. We're going to have to say... I could find the map and you guys guess. Yeah.

Alright, so we have to guess. I don't know how we can guess. We need an outline of Europe. A map of the outline of Europe. Yeah. Can you pull up an outline of Europe on this map with no borders? No borders? We need the borders. We need to see what outline of the country is

which one. And we have to say which one is Lithuanian. Yeah. But it won't say the names of the countries. Right. Otherwise, it's just like a giant mass of land and we just have to sort of point and guess. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But then we won't even know. How can we possibly?

A non-labeled European map. Yeah, almost like a quiz map. Yeah. Shouldn't be an issue. Until then, we just have to vamp. That's easy. Yeah. That's what we're known for.

Let me talk a little bit more about this burrito plan that I have. Really, the problem is the name Sushi Rito is taken by sushi burritos. Yeah, right. But you want the style of the sushi, not necessarily the substance of one. Yeah, exactly. What are your thoughts on hand rolls when it comes to sushi? I don't like it because I don't think that the seaweed breaks apart as cleanly as you need it to for you to be able to eat that cleanly. Yeah. I feel like too often I'm

eating the hand roll, pulling a big piece of seaweed out, also like drizzling soy sauce through the bottom of the cone. Yeah, it doesn't have the structural integrity. I feel like what I like about sushi is just how like clean it is. Bite size. You have the sticks. You can make yourself a perfect bite, put it in your mouth. It's not really that fun to me to like. Sushis are the tacos, which is why I prefer them to the hand rolls, which are the burrito.

I don't think that's true. I actually am 100% certain it is true. No, it's not. Because if you think about the size, the girth of the hand roll, it mirrors very closely the burrito. I think a hand roll actually appears more of the size of a taco. And there's not really an equivalent of a burrito in sushi. If anything, the sushi is more the size and the style of a chip, of a nacho.

All right. So we got Portugal, Spain. No problem so far. Then we have France. Oh, everyone knows that. Then you got Italy. Yep, yep, yep. Italy right there.

Italy with the boot. You got Switzerland. Easy peasy. All this shit is what I don't know. Yeah. So I bet Lithuania is one. There's Denmark, Norway, Sweden. Yeah. Well. So I bet Lithuania is one. There's Denmark, Norway, Sweden. Yeah.

You got to believe that this ish is Germany. The big one. Yeah. Or no, wait, that's Germany. That's Switzerland. Then there's like Luxembourg or Belgium or something like that. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. So let's point to the one you think is Lithuanian. I'll do the same. And would you be able to tell us which one is which? Oh you know Clementine is our super geography producer today She'll be able to let us know If we're correct Lithuania

I'm going to go ahead and say This one That pink one Tiny little pink landlocked guy I have a different guess but right off the, can we let us know if that is actually Lithuania or something else? You want to know if he's wrong or not? Yeah.

Jake is wrong. Okay. What is that country? No, no, no, no, no. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm curious. You can't fucking, if you hear what that is.

I was going to say Belarus. That's not going to help me. It might. Estonia. It absolutely might. She's not going to tell you what it is. She's not going to tell you what it is. She's not going to tell you what it is. What about after my guess?

After your guess. Let's go this little pink guy right there. Lithuania. So Jake picked Slovakia and Amir picked Slovenia. Wow. Okay. Sort of similar. Okay.

Well then Lithuania. Would you like a hint? No. I don't want a hint because I actually know which one it is. I was just trying to fuck with you guys. Green country. That's big. Right there.

That's Hungary. I know it's Hungary. And I'm hungry. That's why I'm fucking confused. Go ahead. It's too big. It was too big. I shouldn't have guessed that.

This is a crazy guess, but I want to say it's this ocean. No. There's no way, right? Yeah, no way. That counts as your guess. That joke. Let's go. Tiny. It's green. Yeah, no way. That counts as your guess. That joke. Let's go... It was green.

Oh, the green. Little Greeno on the water one time. Little Greeno is... That's... Wait. Little Greeno on the water. Oh, yeah. That's like Serbia and then Montenegro.

Okay, Serbia. Yeah. I knew that was fucking Serbia. I'm in the area though. This is where all the good basketball players come from. Luka's from Slovenia. Jokic is from Serbia. Really? Yeah. Alright, then I'll do landlocked country right here.

The yellow. Yellow landlocked. That one is it says F-Y-R-O-M? What does that mean? Oh yeah, it's Fjarm. It's Fjarm. I know Fjarm isR-O-M. What does that mean? Oh, yeah. It's Fjorm. It's Fjorm. I know Fjorm is close to Lithuania.

Let's see a different map. That's actually a Lithuanian for Lithuania. What is this one? This is just a real shrimp potpourri. I think that's Greece. No. Is it? Okay.

I'm going to go. Did we get a confirmation on Fjorm? Fjorm is Macedonia. Of course. Macedonia. Let's go to the left of Macedonia, that one by the ocean. Albania. Albania, of course.

I think our bulk in geography is lacking. What if it's like here? We're just like splitting hairs guessing. Unfortunately, you guys aren't in the Balkans. Oh, we're not even close. No. Wow. Well, the Balkans are north.

That's Lithuania up here. Holy shit. Which one? That orange? Orange guy. That is Estonia. So we're close. We're really close now.

Much warmer now. Interesting. What about this small little pink one that looks're close. We're really close now. Much warmer now. Interesting. What about this small little pink one that looks like Oregon? We were so far away. It's not labeled on this map, but you know what? We're going to look at another map. Okay.

And it is part of Russia. Part of Russia. Unbelievable. They've already annexed it. Okay. This one. Final answer. Which one? That is Lithuania.

Yes! You shouldn't be proud of what just happened. Do you want to know what my hint was going to be? What? I was going to say it's the same color as Sweden on this map. Oh. That's good. That would have helped.

In real life, it's the same color as Sweden. That's how you know it's Lithuania. It's kind of like a British brown. Wow, we were just like all the way here, and it's actually up there. I know. I know. You know because Clementine told us. She didn't tell us. I guessed which one it was. I guessed which one it was.

You didn't guess which one it was. You guessed. And now I know. Yeah, I won. Good game, man. Who's the winner? I didn't actually get to match it. You can't match it. How is he can to match it. You can't match it.

How is he can't match it? You got an extra guess. I think an extra guess. You went first. Yeah. You went first. You got the extra guess. Oh my God. You're so petty.

You're so petty. Of course you got it right. It wasn't a game of skill. I guessed first. I guessed right. You got six chances. I got five got it right. It wasn't a game of skill. I guessed first. I guessed right. You got six chances. I got five. Yeah.

You honestly weren't close. I was close. My first guess was actually closer. You're the one that drew us south. You drew us south. We're lost. We ended up in Albania. Let's play again.

Hungary, which I already know where it is. You think you can name all the states? Yeah. Yes, I do. I think I can stump Jake if we can get a similar USA map. Really? Yeah. I think I can stump you.

No. There's a few stumpers in there. Yeah. There's a few in the middle that are just squares. Yep. I know those ones. Yeah. You're talking about Colorado?

Fuck. You're talking about Arizona? Actually. You're talking about Arizona? Actually, one of them is technically Lithuania. All right. I hope you guys are watching because this is a very visual episode. Yeah. This is riveting stuff. We're pointing at a map on the screen. I'm a big geography buff in just that I want to be a geography buff. But you don't actually go through the motions of learning stuff.

No. I'm interested in geography, but I can't really retain go through the motions of learning stuff. No, I'm interested in geography, but I can't really retain any of it. This is perfect. Yeah. Great map. All right. Let's start with the...

I already don't know a lot of these. Just looking at this map. Just an easy-ish one. Yeah. I'm scared. Yeah. And I know that that is...

Obviously, it's going to be Kentucky. That is Kentucky. I know that one okay um i mean there's no way you know that right yeah amir is pointing to a country in the dead ass center sorry yeah state in the dead ass center california nevada utah whatever is, and then one more. Right. So Utah is, I believe the next one is, oh, it's Colorado, then Kansas. What's above Kansas? God damn, it's not going to be, oh, is it? Is it? No, fuck.

It actually might be Kansas, but it might not be too. I don't think it is. I think it's Nebraska. Correct. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll

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Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio,

the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

Thank you, Squarespace. This is Nebraska? Correct. All right, above Nebraska. Above Nebraska is South Dakota. Correct. He's got it so far. What about...

Mississippi. That's right. What about... That's right um oh uh indiana that's right i think it's obvious that i know all of them now there's no need for me to even point to this one fuck that was the one i really didn't want you to point to that was the one that I really didn't watch. And I think I'll go ahead and say it's Missouri. Correct.

I thought this was Missouri. What is this one? Arkansas. Wow. Thank God you told us that. Because if you had pointed to that one, I wouldn't have known. But I got Missouri. I think those are the hard ones, right?

Those are the hard ones. Anyone else? Anything else that's just sort of confusing? Do you know this one? West Virginia. Yeah. That one kind of looks like a turkey. Yeah.

I mean, I fucking aced this. I know all the other ones now. Where's Wyoming? Oh, yeah. Point to Wyoming. Oh, that's not right. I think that's not fair. But it is.

It's square guy. But it is. It's Square Guy. Correct. You got it, folks. Capital of Wyoming. Cheyenne. For the win. Alright, one last one just for the cultures.

Which one's Vermont and which one's New Hampshire? I will say that this is changing the game a little bit. Yeah. But we've got New York. Bordering New York is Vermont. And then touching the ocean is New Hampshire. That's right.

The capitals being Albany, Montpelier, and Concord. That's correct. That is correct. isn't it correct and I also knew which one was Lithuania you piece of shit there's no way you knew which one

was Lithuania I did know which one was Lithuania did I not guess it you pointed to Estonia you pointed to something called Fjorm at one point

you pointed to the ocean Laotian alright let's take a break more sponsors and then more questions Yeah, yeah. You pointed to the ocean. Lay ocean. All right, let's take a break. More sponsors and then more questions after these messages. Right on. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. How would you like to have the best night's sleep of your life?

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That's athleticgreens.com slash ifiwereyou to check them out. Treat your body right and add a fun, delicious thing to your daily routine. That's Athletic Greens. Thank you, athleticgreens.com slash ifiwereyou. And we're back. How about pulling up a map of Africa? No. No.

There's no way. Yeah. There's hundreds of nations in there. I don't know like more than three. Okay. Don't do that. But that was Chad, Liberia. Besides, If I Were You asks, Xstro94, what are your favorite shows to record?

Ooh. Just to record. I think, so I mean, I always have a ton of fun going on Hollywood Handbook whenever we, or what's the other show? No, oh, Flagrant Ones. Flagrant Ones, yeah. When we go on Flagrant Ones. Basically, anytime we're with those guys, I think it's incredible.

I was going to say the HeadGum podcast. I actually wouldn't know because Jeff is incapable of scheduling it more than 24 hours in advance. I haven't been able to do it in months because I'll just get a frantic text the day before we have to record. Are you available tomorrow at 2? Right. It's just like, no, yeah, I can't do that. Yeah. What about the pit wall?

Do you like that one? The F1 podcast? The F1 podcast, that one's great. That one's great. But I was trying to give like an honest answer. Yeah. No, for sure. And we appreciate the candor.

Jake, now that you're married, how do you deal with your demons? Did they suddenly disappear, says William Casson. What demons? Like, I guess anything that was taunting slash torturing you as a single person. Like, I guess I remember I had, like, a low sense of self-worth when I was single. Yeah. And I was kind of like a monster and yeah. A party animal.

Right. Are you less of a party animal now? I think I still am a little bit of a party animal. I'm like definitely less, yeah, less, but I don't know. I think the demons, I guess I just really, I don't know. I'm trying to think like what the real answer is. Hollywood Handbook, right? Huh? Hollywood handbook. What do you mean? Yeah. Right. Hollywood handbook. Yeah. I think, uh, I just grew out of them a little bit. It did,

it passed. I met somebody that I care about more. Um, and I started being nicer to myself. Interesting. Yeah. You weren't, you were mean to yourself before? Yeah. I think, you know, it was kind of that, you know, when you like drink too much and you wake up and you're like,

I'm never drinking again. I'm such an idiot. Self-loathing. Yeah. Self-loathing. But it was that every single day. And then when you have that low self-esteem, when you like meet somebody,

you're like, if they like you, you think that they're dumb. Yeah. And then you kind of treat that relationship like it's nothing because you know that it's doomed so when you think that you're when you think that you when you have a better relationship with yourself I think you can expect more from yourself rather than expecting the bare minimum or expecting you to self implode do you

still have the regret when you're hungover like what yeah yeah I'm not like completely cured of all of my shit definitely but like I think my my demons are less intense now now it's now it's more just like oh I drank too much not like I drank too much and tried to hook up with somebody I should have right so you've got we went from two demons to one on average. Yeah, definitely. Jai-lan-do-roan-dones. See, like, these names are so hard

to pronounce. That's why the Amir name going for 20K is like, honestly, it's a steal of a deal. It's a steal at thrice the price. A screaming deal.

What's the last photo you guys sent to each other? Let's pull it up. We're right here. A very visual episode um rewarding aside from screenshots of this of the questions it looks like the last one you sent me was we sent each other a lot of screenshots yeah um you sent me a photo of of Marty's new car or a video. Yeah.

A video of Marty pulling away in his new Porsche. Driving. Yeah. I got to ride in that car today. It's awesome. It's a real sportster. We definitely, oh, I sent you a photo of, I bought a surf watch, a Garmin. Oh, that's right.

And I sent you a photo of that. I finally got the Garmin. Yeah. If you're watching the new Jake and Amir episodes, this will make sense. Why do you always bring up the fact that I lack a Garmin? You'll press the Garmin issue. All right. One last one.

Let's end with a softball, a quick and easy. Alex Dubre asked, does anything actually matter in this world or is value purely subjective? Huh. Basically the meaning of life. Yeah. Is it that there's no meaning at all? I think I've actually thought about this recently because I had a deep conversation with somebody that was kind of like Armageddon based. Huh?

Armageddon based? No, it was like on Carnell's birthday. So kind of like a drug fueled, really super honest. Like, yeah, let's just like fucking go. Let's have a heart to heart for an hour about the meaning of life. And I think the meaning of life is balance. So it's not doing anything too extreme. Yeah, it's not putting it's not like putting all of your eggs in any one basket and kind of reverting to the mean and like doing, I feel like living your life. If you're like,

the purpose of life is to like live to the fullest, then you're not actually taking any time to appreciate downtime or like building the right relationships and stuff like that. So I think there's an ebb and a flow. The person you were talking to disagree with that or have a different view? Yeah. She said that you have to live every single day like it's your last yeah and i think it was maybe just because i am older that i'm like you don't have to live every single day like it's nice to sleep a little bit yeah i have a sort of love hate relationship with sleep because sleep feels great when you're tired but then it's like a third of my life is just gone should i like set an alarm and wake up earlier every day or would that just make the waking hours feel worse i think i think you should

set an alarm and wake up earlier but i don't want to get interrupted sleep yeah there i mean there are apps that will wake you up naturally it'll yeah like you set aren't there those apps where you like you're like i want to get up at, but it can be like a 30-minute grace period. Right. So you're out of REM and it's 7.15 instead of 7. But then you just got to go to sleep early and then it's like, I'm still getting the same amount of sleep. I think for what it's worth, I can be tired at 6 a.m. when I wake up and I could be tired at 9 a.m. when I wake up. It's very rare that I feel like, okay, I'm fully rested and I'm ready to get up. So it's like equally morning regardless of

when you wake up. Yeah. When I woke up, I had to wake up to walk the pup last week and I was planning on, you know, he started rustling around at 6.30 and I was like, okay, I'm going to take him on a walk and I'm going to go back into bed. But I went on a walk, I was tired. But I got back and was like, I'm not going to go back to bed now. It's like 6.45 and I can like start my day. And I actually really love like doing something for like, you know, going to the gym, going on a bike ride. And then I look at my watch and it's like 9 a.m. still. That's great. Like you could have slept and now you already got your workout done for the day.

Yeah. It feels good. But sleep feels good too. it doesn't feel that good for me falling asleep feels great because like when you're drowsy and it's like what time for bed that's a great feeling and i fall asleep very quickly yeah i'll fall asleep like talking to avital like she was having a conversation with me and i pass out that's and what time is that usually between 12. So why don't you just start trying to go to bed earlier? I don't know. If you're going to bed and you're so tired that you're falling asleep mid-conversation,

you could probably get into bed at 11. Yeah. And, you know, have, you know, read a book, relax in bed. Then you're going to wake up closer to 7 or 8. I can't read. Amazing. I'm so sorry to hear that. But I'm working on brushing and flossing as much as humanly possible to make up for that.

That's that balance that I talked about, which is the meaning of life. Yeah. It is hard because you have to do like you have to pay your bills and also floss. You have to exercise and also volunteer. Like there's it's almost like there's too much also volunteer. Like you, there's, it's almost like there's too much stuff to do. Yeah. There's a lot. And that's, I think that's again, where the balance comes in because we don't even have kids like that would completely take all the time. Yeah. You have to have that equilibrium. So you have time to do the things that you need to do. So you get to do the stuff that you want to do. And as we get older, there are a lot more things

that we need to do. Yeah. Somebody told me yesterday that after 40, your cells die instead of replenish. So it's like you're living for 40 years, then you slowly die for 40 years. That's amazing. That sucks to know. I also read, I think it was like, what was it? Maybe like a Yom Kippur sermon or something that Jill sent me. Wow. And this rabbi was just talking about, we all have on average 4,000 weeks to live. And it's like, that's... Don't tell me that.

Because weeks just fly by. Weeks fly by. Weeks will go by in a blink of an eye. Like, oh, this week went by fast. Oh, this week went by slow. Oh, it's already... How's it already September? It's like, yeah, no, you have 4,000 weeks and they make a calendar where you can put

in your birthday. It fills in all the bubbles for the weeks that you've already lived and it shows you how many you have left. Well, every two years is roughly 100 weeks. So it's probably less than 4,000. Maybe it's how many. It's like, yeah, 100 years is... 2,000 then? Again, our cells are dying at a rate where we can't really keep track.

I'll pull it up after this, but it's something like that. Yeah. Like it's not in the millions. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. Time is super limited. Yeah. I guess it could be 4,000.

It's like 80 years. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah, yeah. 4,000. Yeah, that's about right. Jesus. And we've already done about 2,000. Yeah.

What a dark episode this turned out to be. Jesus. And we've already done about 2,000. Yeah. What a dark episode this turned out to be. Jesus. Want to give me your birthday? And I can, I found the website. Really? Yeah. August 5th, 1985. Okay.

How many weeks old we are? How many weeks you have left? Oh, how many? Okay. Of the 4,000. August 5th, 19 what? 85. Okay.

Why don't we just for the sake of me not being sad, put in 2001. Make me 18 again You will die You will die in 2792 weeks 2792 Okay that's pretty good That's giving you a lot of credit

It's like you're making it way past 80 at that point Let's go January 18th 1972 I'm 50. You should be. No, 83. 83. I was like, my math is not mapping.

I'm not dead yet. Amir, you will die in 2,659 weeks. Whoa, longer than Jake. I guess they just assumed that I'm, I don't know. Yeah, they heard about my demons. No, Jake has more weeks. I know. I'm just joking slash hopeful.

I'll die first. All right. Thank you for your questions. Thank you for your answers. Yeah. Hope you enjoyed this geographical slash philosophical episode of If I Were You. Right. Very unique.

You can watch them on our YouTube. You can listen to it wherever podcasts are sold. We're also making videos on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J-A. Watching Jake and Amir videos and send theme songs and questions to ifireashow at gmail.com. That's right. We need questions and we need debates to settle. Yes. Yes. There's a long-standing

debate in one of your lives or relationship that you're struggling with. Please let us know ifireashow at gmail.com. Right. Let's hear from Matt Pope again. Let's play that funky music, Matt Pope. Play that funky music, Pope.

Lay down the Pope and play that map to tell you die. You're Pope. Hope. guitar solo This is Amir You may know me from college humor Or from the third Harold and Kumar And now you're listening to my podcast I am so gassed To give advice on all that you've asked. And if at points you think I've been crass, take it up with me on Thursday last. On Thursday last. This is her wits. Maybe you're thinking that you might kiss Someone who you think could make a fuss

And then they won't be able to trust You are the fans Who make us both a part of your plans You wear us like an old pair of vans We hope that we've been able to transform all your lives And though this council's only advice Maybe it's made some of you think twice Every email's a roll of the dice

Right to assume We can't promise we'll find a way through After all we are just two jujus Still it's fun to think what would we do What would I do if I were you? That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows,

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