Segments - 564: Clam Hands

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

In this episode we discuss stretching, gifting, and why size doesn't matter. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. You got went down on today.

Not by his wife, I'm sorry to say. Another girl, what was her name? It don't matter anyway He feels guilty, he feels small Betrayed his lady, dick and all How'll he tell her what he's done? How'll he fight the urge to run? My man's confused on what to do Maybe he'll write to if I were you Sure those boys'll know what to say

Maybe just simply I love you babe She's in the kitchen cleaning plates. Maybe she'll forgive all of his mistakes. Well, after all, it was only third base. He just needs the perfect phrase. He got went down on today. He knows for his crimes that he must pay. And soon he'll be a man and say, he got went down on today. Wow. Yeah.

That was eye-opening. Yeah, it was a little long. A little long, right? Did it feel a little long to anybody else? It felt short to me. I guess it's because, yeah because they wrote a song based on something that you said. I got went down on today

is the name of that parody. Based on a line I said not two weeks ago today. Not really a parody though, is it? Well, it is a satire. It's a cover. It's a cover? He stopped. Is it a cover? It's a cover? He stopped.

Is it a cover? Don't you interrupt me, boy. Oh, my God. He stopped loving her today by George Jones, regarded by many as one of the saddest songs ever written. Oh. I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. Matthew Cazacco said,

my version is not only sadder than the original, but also has worse diction, thanks in kind to your fellatio phrasing from the last episode. That's good. It's a good song. Actually, he'd written a few other themes, including the Ballad of Harbo and Samuelson cover. That's an all-time. After which he debated if I was Irish.

I'm actually an Aussie living in Brunswick, Melbourne. So hit me up if you ever open a HeadGum branch here. I'm thinking about it. I'm absolutely thinking about it. My comedy travel podcast unpacked on Spotify and iTunes about people's crazy stories from all over the world. It's really good, but the problem is no one listens to it. Yeah. That's the problem with a lot of podcasts, actually. And then they listen to garbage like this one. Yeah. It's not the cream that rises to the top. It's actually just come whoever comes in with the most of fans gets the followers and it's not really a meritocracy today. I went got down. Devil went down with down, got, got, and down on, got, and down on today.

The devil went down to got not. The devil went down to got not. Today's been pretty random for those listening at home, catching up. We are in separate studios, but studios nonetheless. We should call it in studios. In studios today. That's good. Yeah. Or what in separate studios, but studios nonetheless. We should call it in studios. In studios today. That's good. Or what about in two-dios? Oh, that's good because it's two studios, but

the two-dio is actually what we call the studio for NADPOD because we roll a lot of twos on the 20-sided die. So that is trademarked. That is copywritten. You will be getting a cease and desist. You will be hearing from my lawyer. That's crazy. I just said it. You're ruined. A thorough joke. There's

no way you can come after me. You can trespass on a trademark. You'd have to make a claim that my joke actually stopped you guys from making money. Oh, there you go. Yeah. There you go. That's perfect. We don't go. There we don't go, actually. This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. I'm AB.

Oh, no. Yeah, I'm just an initial guy now. Yeah, that is what Billy Scafuri calls you. Oh, that's right, AB. Yeah, he's a huge initial guy. Yeah. Although JH doesn't really work. No, Billy calls me Jack, so we can go with that.

Yeah, AB and Jack. AB is good because it flows. Yeah, AB. JH is kind of like, is that one letter, JH? It's obviously not one letter. JH. It really isn't. It actually is a pretty good

I'm not even trying to be glib I think that's one of the worst two letters No, those are two strong Two strong fucking letters What's the worst initials? The worst initials? How's it going? It's gotta be WV

But actually that looks really cool But it's hard to say Nevermind, WV is pretty solid, because it's just your signature would just be like a fucking phone line thing. What about OI? Oi! How's it going, Oi?

Now I'm sounding Australian myself. Oi. How's it going? Oi. AB. That's actually might be the GOAT tune now that I think about it. No, noI-E? Mm-hmm. A-B. That's actually, might be the GOAT tune now that I think about it. No, no, no, no. It's definitely not.

I think, I think duo letters is kind of the GOAT. J-J? Yeah, J-J is pretty solid. J-D, J-V. J-V, honestly, J goes with a lot

except for H. J-V is my wife's initials. And you'll take them out of your fucking mouth before I sue you into oblivion. Yeah. Yeah, trademark my wife's initials. I copyrighted my wife's fucking initials. So you can't save them

and prevent me from making cash off of them. Yeah. Let's move on. D-H. D-H is pretty bad. D-H, another designated hitter. H is good. TH is pretty bad. I don't know anything. Another designated hitter. H is good.

H is good. I said T. And I resent. Hmm? TH. Oh, TH, yeah. If nobody's calling Tom Hanks that. TH, yeah.

They call him Hanks. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Right. AC is not bad. AC is pretty good. How about Jeffrey James?

G, J? That's hard to say. JG. And hard to be. G good how about Jeffrey James GJ that's hard to say JG and hard to be GJ GJ yeah that's not ideal GN

how about GN I want to see that Gene Nugent how's it going GN well you could say GN as in good night yeah IY

oh wow actually I'm thinking of all our producers. John Grimm, JG. That's not much better than GJ. So EF, Emma. That's pretty solid. But I think Casey Donahue with the CD

takes the case. Yeah. Takes the case, I should say. That's really good. Casey, does anybody call you cd people have called me cd before oh yeah he has gotten cd before yeah that's a good nickname cd yeah uh okay what the fuck are we doing with our lives oh right answering questions um so these are real questions from real people they send them on down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Parse through them.

Find the greatest, the best of the best. Right. Not like podcasting. We actually do read them all and decide which ones are the goat. Right. Here's one that says hands of a clam make this man a sham. Okay. We should call this guy Poseidon

because they are of the sea. That's really sham. Okay. We should call this guy Poseidon because they are of the sea. That's really good. Right. Hello you cowboys, coyboys. I am in a bit of a sticky nay sweaty situation. I'm a 22 year old female from the west coast and I often get clammy hands. Okay. My body tends to run at low temperatures so my somewhat thin hands

are often cold but also moist. Don't ask me why. Cold and moist. I don't know. Either one of these things on its. Don't ask me why. Cold and moist. Either one of these things on its own wouldn't bother me much, but the two together make for a pretty revolting combination. I'm starting the new chapter of my life

post-college, and I don't want people to judge me. I don't want the people I meet to have to handle what feels like a melting ice cube at the end of my wrist. Yikes. Help! What can I do to make sure I extend a warmer, drier greeting to the people I meet to have to handle what feels like a melting ice cube at the end of my wrist. Yikes. Help. What can I do to make sure I extend a warmer, drier greeting to the people I meet?

Okay. By the way, I've been listening to the podcast off and on for since 2014, and I'm finally all caught up with a Patreon subscription to boot. Holy smokes. Thank you. Gracias. All right, Poseidon. What do you think? Well, it feels like the pandemic is like well-timed because like before it was kind of weird if you didn't shake someone's hand. Right. And now she can kind of like get by on not wanting to touch other people's hands rather than, you know, not wanting people to touch her hands or something like feeling like they're going to be grossed out. She can just be like, I'm grossed out by human contact.

So you just start doing the fist bump. I was hoping that like the handshake would just sort of go after the pandemic like faded to black, but like people are still shaking hands. I missed it. I love shaking hands. I always love shaking hands. Why? Firm handshake.

Over a fist bump? It's a connection. Yeah. No, I like contact. I like contact. Yeah. I always prefer the fist bump or like the wave. Hello.

How do you do? How's it going? But yeah. And then I often feel like I'm sort of socially pressured. The bow is nice. I do like the bow. Really, you know, showing deference. And then, yeah.

Then my subordinate obviously must bow lower. And thus, I am satisfied. Have we talked about your subordinate on the bow lower, and thus I am satisfied. Have we talked about your subordinate on the show? Oh, no. My subordinate, yeah. You totally hired kind of out of the blue a random subordinate. Yeah, I did. It was so weird.

I started getting texts from the subordinate instead of you. What are they saying to you? He's just sort of a middle subordinate, basically. what are they so he's just sort of he's he's like the a middle subordinate basically so he's like planning everything right well i i gave him a phone recently but um he wasn't supposed to text you what did he what did he hold on gordon gordon gordon is a boarden that goes to the subordinate pot-bellied pig wanders through the door oh yeah i turned him into a pig the other day for talking back to me. Yeah, I think.

So I put a spell on him. I got another subordinate to do that, to coordinate. Coordinate the subordinate. Subordinate often coordinates. Fist bump or bow as a means of avoiding the clammy hand. Yeah. Yeah. Because I don't think, like, I feel like I've seen people kind of like wipe their hands before they shake.

And I feel like all that actually does is signal to me that their hand is going to be wet or was dirty or something. Yeah. wet or was dirty or something. So I think you, you know, pre-pandemic, you just lean in and you own the fact that it's wet, but you don't do any wipeage. And post-pandemic, you just defer to the bow or the fist bump. The namaste. Yeah, the namaste, a salute. Hearing these questions just makes me realize how many many things can be off about one's body.

Like some people are just dealing with this their whole lives and other people don't even think about the clamminess of their hands. You know what? Wait, did I talk about on this show that I've never had a stomach ache? No. I did. I thought I didn't. I was. Yeah.

You've talked about how you've never burped. Right. But you've talked about getting food poisoning, which feels like a stomach ache. I've never had. No, I've never burped right um but you've talked about getting food poisoning it feels like a stomach ache i've never had no i never i've never had a stomach ache my stomach also say like never hurt well you've puked before yeah i don't and this is what jill says to me too like but i don't feel that in my stomach i feel that in my stomach. I feel that in my head. I feel like when I'm nauseous, I think what other people feel is like a rumbly and the tumbly, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Like cramping and they like. Diarrhea. Yeah. Whenever I'm sick, I feel it in my head. I just feel like lightheaded and a little dizzy. Okay. Or I have a headache. What about.

Did you also say recently like when you have a big, when you have pizza recently, you get like heartburn or something like that, like cheese. That's in the chest. That's in the chest. Okay. You're sort of skirting by on a technicality. I don't think so.

Because you've had diarrhea and you've had vomiting. You've had food poisoning and you've had heartburn. You've had gas that's trapped from not being able to burn. My stomach's never hurt. It has never hurt. Sometimes when I feel bloated, it's not in the stomach. It's in the chest. That's impossible, but okay.

The belly? I'll give it to you. Nothing. Nothing. Never. You're squeezing it right now like it's in pain. It's in a little pain. It's like my belly button.

I have dermatitis. I've truly never had a stomachache. Really? Yeah. Keep us posted on that. Okay. I don't believe you, but yeah, keep us posted. I am honest about my other ailments.

I have many ailments, but my stomach is not, it's never been an issue. What are your, when you said there's so many things that can go wrong what do you think what can't like what why did you say that what was what was on your mind that's gone wrong with you oh just like um your nose your lips oh the way your beard is oh your skinny shoulders weird teeth my gray hair my hamstring feels tight that's it i was gonna guess hamstring what's wrong with my i actually remember when we were running one night in new york and you pulled your hamstring yes we were sprinting yeah we like got into a foot race and i think you we were racing to the corner.

Yeah. But you, you beat me. You outstepped me at the last second. And then, uh, yeah, then we had to kind of walk. It was worth it. Yeah. I did that against like early on in the college humor days. I also did a foot race against canal.

He beat me. And then my hamstrings felt so tight the next day, I guess. Cause when you're sprinting, you're basically stretching this rubber band over and over in a way that you never ever do unless you like stretch, which I don't. Oh, yeah. That reminds me of a good unsolicited advice this week. Holy shit. All right. Let's take a break.

Thanks some sponsors. And then we can come back and hear what that unsolicited is. Nice. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks.

Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive

that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one,

build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any?

Mom, I'm coming. Not this week no do you you said you fucking set me up to fail you were like i have a good one let's go to break we come back people are finally here i do i actually i think i have two because one we're supposed to promote a show right that's true the head gum live show on november 3rd at our office that we promised that we were going to do that. At your office in LA. Yeah. HeadGum.com slash live for tickets. Come on by.

We'll be here. I'll be hosting. We got a lot of funny comedians. That's right. It's going to be a fun time. It looks like it's, it was, looked like an awesome time last time. A little party. We're going to do it in New York.

We're going to do it in New York too. And my other advice, I downloaded an app for stretching because you had mentioned your hamstrings and that you don't stretch. And I also wasn't stretching. My hammies are tight, yeah. And I was kind of trying to like add in yoga to my routine to keep me stretched out and limber. But I kept on kind of skipping it because I didn't feel like doing 40 minutes to an hour of yoga. Yeah. It's like at a certain point you've got to cut yourself off. Yeah.

It's just – a lot of people love yoga, and I think yoga is great if it's for you, but it's just not for me. Like I find a lot of the poses too uncomfortable, and I don't relax when I'm doing it. I'm sort of constantly wondering when it's going to be over. I bet a bunch of yoga heads would be like, well, then you're not doing it right. Yeah, exactly. I am not doing it right. I'm doing it wrong. And I've tried to do it for like 15 years and I'm not getting it.

So I think I'm just going to stop because I like other stuff. But there's an app called Stretch It that I downloaded. And I'm taking a 90 day platinum flexibility course. You're going to be able to touch your toes. Is that the goal? I can already touch my toes. I can touch really without bending your knees. Yeah.

If I'm standing up. Yeah. Let's see it. You were, we're doing this in a studio. We can see it on the YouTubes. If you can, let's see. I can't, I can't do. Okay. So you're you can. Let's see. I can't. I can't.

Okay. So you're right now. Your hands are dangling about an inch above your knees. I've never seen someone that stiff before. Oh, that's good. That's pliable. Are you touching your toes? Are you going full palm on the ground?

I sort of missed it. Were you? So I'm not like full palm on the ground, but I can get about half my hand under my feet. Like I can touch the soles of my feet. Okay. That's far. And I used to not be able to touch my toes at all. And I would, I, I don't credit the platinum flexibility course that just started seven days ago. Um, but I'm, I've been working on stretching and trying to be a little more flexible because, you know, I have tight hip flexors and tight quads. Yeah. Yeah.

The, the base of my neck, sometimes some, I've never had a stomach ache, but I'll have like a little bit of pain here where my shoulders meet the neck. Yeah. Soreness and tightness and nerve pinching sensation. Right.

So my buddy Miles and Carnell also had this, and Jeff has it now too. There's this app called stretch it where you can just um take different flexibility challenges oh that's cool and yeah i'm on day nine of the 90 day platinum flexibility challenge i think what i have in my hammy is like beyond just a source of hammy i think i looked it up because i'm like it hurts the most when i'm seated and driving yeah somebody was like that's like some sort of hamstring tendinopathy or something like that where you like have to sit on a pillow to have it help and it's like stretching your hamstring is actually not good for that and you have to just sort of not stretch it so i'm not really sure entirely i'm doing that thing where i'm just ignoring the problem and hoping that it

goes away even though it's been like two years at this point. If it hurts when you're seated, couldn't it be like a tight IT band? You should be foam rolling. You foam rolling? No, I don't do anything. I just play sports and, again, hope that I don't get hurt. Do you still take baths? I do take baths. All right.

That should help. And it helps when I'm in my bath, of course. But then after playing tennis and or basketball, it feels tight again. Right. And you don't stretch at all after those activities? No, God, no. Not even like a light, like a casual, you know, grab the toe behind your back, little quad stretch?

Sometimes I'll do like, yeah, I'll grab my foot and do like the quad or the calf stretch because that feels good. The hamstring stretch, the groin stretch, those are the ones that just don't feel good even when I'm doing them. Interesting. All right, well, check out this app.

Maybe I'll check out Stretch It. Stretch It, because yeah, every single day has a new, in the Platinum Flexibility Challenge, or the 90-day Platinum Flexibility Course, I should say. You keep saying platinum like you've earned it. You haven't done anything. I've done seven or eight days of the Plat flexibility course.

Yeah, but again, it's the way you pronounce platinum that makes it sound like you've earned it. Sorry, I meant to say the 90-day platinum flexibility course. Yeah, it's just platinum flexibility, not platinum. Platinum. It is platinum. Yeah, you didn't earn that. Yes, I did. You didn't earn doing it.

I've done 90 days or less of it. Yeah. Yeah. Of the 90-day platinum flexibility course. Half platinum. You should download it, though, because some days it's like, you know, as little as like six minutes.

Some days, yesterday was a 28-minute back session, which was really nice. Oh, that's good. But truly, like, it's, there are little stretches that I never even considered. Yeah. I should do that. And they're really nice. Oh, that's good. But truly, like, it's, they're little stretches that I never even considered. Yeah, I should do that. And they're really helpful. Yeah.

Preventative, yeah. Yep. Okay, here's a question we got from, let's call him Jack Skellington, because that sort of reminded me of this Christmastime situation. Okay. Even though that's more of a Halloween thing.

Right. It was around Christmastime, writes Jack, that I first visited my girlfriend's house, armed with gifts for the whole family determined to make a good impression. Unfortunately, aside from the parentally coerced thank you for the present, my girlfriend's older sister didn't speak to me once the entire week I visited. Turns out she had resolved beforehand not to acknowledge my presence until I proved that I was, quote, worthy of her little sister.

She didn't even open my gift. Cut to three years later and uh-oh, I still never had a conversation with her. Wow. I see my GF's family several times a year for weddings, holidays, and the like, but her older sister has yet to say hi to me when I'm not around. She talks openly about how she has no desire to get to know me any better than she already does, which is not to just say not at all. Taking the initial cold shoulder as a hint and terrified at the prospect of making things any worse than she already does, which is not to just say not at all. Taking the initial cold shoulder as a hint and terrified at the prospect of making things any worse than they already are. I haven't spoken directly to her either. So I'll just accept 50% of the blame. Either way,

the longer the stalemate lasts, the more, the more awkward and stressful it gets. Her super chill boyfriend does talk to, oh, the sisters, the super, super chill boyfriend talks to me,

but will not intervene on my behalf. My girlfriend has repeatedly pleaded my case in private to no avail. At this point, I'm afraid to direct confrontation is the only path to a resolution. Visiting them again for the holidays. So any advice about how to resolve this silent treatment would be greatly appreciated. Should I still get her a Christmas present? That's weird. Yeah.

I don't think you should change. i get her the christmas present maybe you gotta find out what her you find out what the love language is right yeah it's probably just being a cold calculated angry woman to you that's her love language do you think like fighting not get her a gift i wouldn't get her a gift i really wouldn't get her a gift. I really wouldn't. I think you can. I don't know. I feel like. I feel like there's a chance that the the air just needs to be cleared.

You know. Yes. So for whatever reason, she refuses to clear it. I wonder what she has. What's this beef? Has she ever acted like this to other boyfriends? Yeah. Have you considered the fact that maybe you're not worthy of the girlfriend?

Wow. Maybe the sister's right. Yes. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Because he sort of might not even be worthy. Right. At the end of the day.

Yeah. What if everyone else is being polite and he's sort of it's kind of weird that that the the sister likes you uh yeah the boyfriend of this woman likes you the parents if you're going to like holiday parties and weddings and stuff they seem to like you so it's like just one holdout that doesn't feel like you're worthy and at that point it should it is a little bit on on her not on you yeah well we have to take sides and i for one choose the sister who do you got um i guess it's not we shouldn't both choose the same side i would have chosen the sister if you hadn't but i'll go ahead and do chill boyfriend who's giving this loser the benefit of the doubt. And I think at the very least. And his email seemed really polite and nice and self-aware at the very least about what is going on.

And he did take 50% of the blame, which is cool to hear. Yeah. But ultimately, I kind of think she's bae. At the end of the day, she is bae. Yes. And what do you say to a bae? Yeah, a salty bae. Yes. And what do you say to a bae? Yeah, a salty bae, indeed. Well, that could be a funny gift, is to give her just a salt-themed gift.

Sort of like a... Or you can give her an umbrella, because she's always throwing shade. Oh, that's good. Or like, you know, parka and say, just because you're ice cold to me. That's... Yeah, I i guess what are you talking we're we're riffing when i say something that was so out of line that it derailed shade was already so perfect it didn't need to have been yes anded and then what you did was like throwing this thing where we're like now we're riffing on it I started

they did this weird thing where like some of the stuff worked and some of the stuff didn't and it kind of now I want to give you a salty gift you're being salty you actually deserve an umbrella for all of the shade that you're throwing at me that's really good actually

really do you like that? back in your good graces. What if you get her a football jersey that says, she hate me. So it's custom XFL jersey. She hate me, with an umbrella so you're throwing shade,

and a DVD of Salt Bae's new restaurant. That's fun. I think making light of this weird weird dark situation is maybe the only path forward. Turn it into a bit. You know, just always

try to get her to crack. If you can make her smile, then maybe she'll eventually warm up to you. Have you ever dealt with a sibling that didn't like you that much? Yeah. Yes, I have.

Many younger brother, older sister. What was the situation? It's happened in a few different relationships. An older brother, for one. Yeah, protective. What's that? Protective. Yeah, I think just didn't trust my motivations.

He didn't? Didn't trust. He didn trust think that your intentions were pure yeah um and honestly i don't think i really won him over in any special way it was just it took time everything takes time but the weird thing is here you've given it three years so something else is a mess yeah there's something else what about parents have parents always liked you or also some could be colder than others uh no parents almost parents there's always a journey they don't like me at first and then after like i really i think they don't like the way I sound on paper to somebody. But then when I meet them, they like me. What's the, like, back when you were just, like, working at a website?

You mean like that? Yeah, or like before that when I was just a college dropout that had an internship. That wasn't, like, a good look. What does he do? He's actually an intern. Yeah. He dropped out of school, but he's an intern, Dad. He has an internship.

Even an internist? My prospects didn't sound very good then. Yeah. But these ladies were buying low. Yeah. But now I sound successful when I tell everybody I'm a Dungeons & Dragons podcaster. Everyone knows that I got my life right. I got my boat right. I got my boat right.

Garrett boat right. Let's go Huskies. Shout out to a UConn Husky basketball player named something boat right. I thought it was Garrett boat right. I thought it was Ryan boat right. Boat right UConn Husky.

It was Ryan Boatwright. Ryan Boatwright? I think it was Garrett. Weird. Get your boat right with Ryan Boatwright. Better get your boat right. Wow, that guy's still playing basketball overseas. Good for him.

He got his boat right. He was a league MVP in 2017. Wait, what was he? He was the Croatian Basketball League's MVP in 2017. That's what every NBA player should do, I think. Yeah, like would you rather be the 12th man on an NBA team like the Oklahoma City Thunder or just the fucking MVP of a Croatian league?

Yeah, it's fun to hang out in Croatia, I bet. Yeah, I guess it depends on the league. Some of these leagues sound more fun than others. Right, it's fun to hang out in Croatia, I bet. Yeah, I guess it depends on the league. Like, yeah, some of these leagues sound more fun than others. Right? Croatia sounds sick. Okay, let's take another break. Thank another sponsor. Come back and answer another question. All right. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey, yo, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards.

And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely because I do know a lot. Like, do you know what a nickelback does in a cover to defense? Or like, do you know what a play action passes?

Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it. Right. Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings pick six app.

Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first time pick six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time pick six players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits. Whoa-za. Very cool.

Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code SEGMENTS. segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited.

One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we have returned finally finally the rock has come back did you see black adam no no do you plan on it or that's sort of

not in your i'll see it i'll see it eventually universe i will not i don't go to the movies anymore i don't know what could really make me go to a film. Interesting. But I see movies eventually when I'm on a plane. The best place to view them. You don't romanticize the movie going experience. Every time I go, I have a great time. It never occurs to me.

And whenever anybody else suggests it, it sounds like too much. But if I'm physically dragged there I will have an awesome time and then say on my way out, why don't we go to the movies more? We should really go to the movies more. I'm going to start going to movies. The smell of the popcorn. The theater.

The noise of a ticket being torn. Ripped. You're sitting down with a group of friends. The energy is palpable. The trailers come on. The jacket over the seat. The guy's going a group of friends. The energy is palpable. Oh, the jacket over the seat. The guy's going in front of you. The peanut M&M's. In any town USA, you're having an M&M.

I'm going to go pee before the movie starts. I'm going to go pee before it starts. So I don't have to pee during the film. And then scooting by, scooting by. Oh, sorry. I stepped on your foot. foot no it wasn't on purpose what are you doing sir what are you doing hey hey you're shoving me usher usher being accosted i love the movies i love the movies i was i was trying to talk about like the fun parts I've never

I've never not gotten my ass kicked when I go to a film got it so that's why how's that for fucking weird I'm walking by I accidentally kick over a 64 ounce Dr. Pepper holy shit I'm so sorry that got on your ankles

let me get you some paper towels from the front i'm not cutting in line i just spilled a drink i because if i go to the fucking bathroom to get it all they have are these they have the air dryers and i guess i could go back with really thin toilet paper using a stranger's jacket to mop up the dr pepper but The movie's starting! I've seen this one before! Then why are you here? Spoiling the end. Oh, yeah!

This is the one where the guy ends up being the bad guy at the end. Shh! No wonder you hate it. Because it hates you. Right. I'm rejected by the movies. Alright. Here's a question called Snapchatting Ears. Hmm.

So we'll call this Gentleman Mickey. Mickey, my friend. This may seem like a generic question, but it's something that I genuinely have no idea what to do. I'm a college student. You should come back to Minneapolis, by the way. And I've been talking to a girl for two months now. It's all very confusing

yet super flirty. And we have gone on a few dates and have had a good time. The issue is that she keeps mentioning how she just got out of a long-distance relationship last summer and does not want to date right now. However, she likes me and wants to be more than friends so she feels bad asking me to wait for her to be ready. This becomes

a problem because she rejects hanging out with me most of the time, and when she Snapchats me, she only sends me pictures of the side of her head. And if I see one more ear, I'm going to go crazy. How do I move this process of getting to know her forward when she is resisting everything yet still stringing me along by saying she likes me and is flirting with me you can't really that's an excuse you just have to wait do you think that's an excuse or is she actually not over somebody slash trying to see this guy it sounds like it's i mean

i've heard that before. It sounds valid enough. I think if she really wasn't interested, she'd hopefully have the huevos to tell you. It sounds like, at the very least, she likes that you like her. And I don't think there's a way you can... You can't move it forward yourself. I think all you can do is elect to be strung on or cut

the string i would cut the string that's and i've had it before too you just say i understand you're not ready but i don't like where i don't like living in this limbo so i'm out and if you are ready feel free to reach out but you're cutting ties and yeah do it it's it also it's better to do it that way than to be the one that's constantly trying to see and then she sort of gets annoyed in that way yeah it honestly makes you look better to her also by saying I'm out I'm not interested and you're also like you're kind of taking the situation back under control because right now she kind of has everything she theoretically wants she has a guy that likes her that she can slow play and then also do her thing without getting into a serious relationship um and she's like oh yeah

he'll be around when i want him to be but you just you know your move is to say i actually won't be it's now or never and then she she can decide if she's ready, if you're worth it, or if she wants to just hang out and do her thing. What do you make of the ears of it all? I think sometimes people are insecure about certain angles or the way that their face will look.

So they- I have a weird ear. So I would not send that. Yeah. What episode is that from? I have a weird ear. I have a weird ear. I think it's the one where I have a Bluetooth

and I'm like trying to like sort of chew gum and talk on the phone a lot. Yeah, that's a good one. And you're like, just put the fucking Bluetooth in. And I'm like, I have a weird ear. Cauliflowery. Yeah, God, that's good. And broccoli ass.

My entire fucking person is a salad. That's right. I have asparagus teeth teeth and a baby carrot cock ha ha ha that's real funny what's that supposed to mean like my dick is small i mean yeah it was just yeah that's why it's a baby carrot. Yeah. And not a full fucking thing. Right. Yeah. Oh, that's real good.

It's also... It's not just... Why don't you take that again, but compare it to an actual size vegetable? Well, it's also orange is what I'm trying to say. It looks like a Cheeto. Yes. Okay. But at the very least, it's a little bit of a longer carrot.

Or a parsnip. I'll even go so far as to say that it's a parsnip that you cut in half. I think it's a thing. But for you to say baby carrot means that the edges are rounded. Don't get me wrong. The color is spot on. Which is not the case. I think I've asked you this before, but do baby carrots grow like that or are they shaved down from bigger carrots?

I think you have asked me that before as well. And I gave you the correct answer then as I will now. They are regular sized carrots that are honed down to the baby carrot. That seems inefficient to me. By the way, that is just a guess. But I am going to go out on a limb and say that's right. But it's not like pureed carrots that are put into that molded shape either, right? It's actually like a piece of wood that's shaved down to that.

Right. I'd imagine they're able to get like four baby carrots out of a single carrot. If it's done right. But there's always going to be like the weird edges that just don't belong in the baby right so yeah you chop you take a full carrot you chop the top you chop the base and then you shave shave shave uh and sculpt shave your booty yeah what about baby corn baby corn or do you not have the same attitude towards the corn baby corn is grown like that that's a yeah that's a specific vegetable okay all right yeah i'm just asking you're just asking you don't have to like answering yeah you're the one on edge you're the one on edge yeah i'm just trying to figure out you keep on laughing and then stopping on a dime with a new you're yeah you're having you're having an episode

i'm not there's no other way this is an episode of our podcast but i'm not having one episode is there another baby there's like um baby potatoes or something finger Fingerling potatoes, yeah. Fingerlength potatoes. No, it's not fingerlength potatoes. No, I know. What are they? Fingerlength?

Finger what? Potatoes? You said fingerlength. I said that's wrong. You said no, I know. They are fingerlength, but I know they're called something else. They are called something else. Yes. And what are they?

Dingling. Dingling? Well, finger length is how big they are. Dingling is the style of potato. Kind of like how you can have a rye bread. That's perfect. Yeah. You nailed it, buddy.

I did? Yeah. I was honestly trying to talk out of my ass for part of it. I really didn't know what they were called until you put me on the spot. And I stepped up to the plate and I crushed one out of the park. Blindfolded home run. Nailed it. First try.

I'm batting a thousand today. Your cock is also finger length. What's that supposed to mean? Like I have a small dick. Exactly. With a size and shape of small dick. Exactly. So it's only the size and shape of a finger. Exactly. It's also the color of a Cheez-It.

So, yeah. There's baby spinach. Oh, yeah. There is baby spinach. Is there baby arugula? There is baby arugula, right? I don't know. Like anything smaller is baby version of that.

But I don't know if they're genetically modified to be smaller. Baby jam lettuce? Yeah. A baby onion? Yeah. I don't know if it's a baby onion. Is it not a baby onion? They make them tiny.

They make them really tiny. There's a pearl onion or a shallot. Right. Yeah. And instead of a baby cucumber, they just call them Persian cucumbers. Because babies are often Persian. I mean, every time you walk into an Iranian's family house, all the babies are Persian. That's why they call them Persian cucumbers instead of baby cucumbers.

And then you have tomatoes, and instead of baby tomatoes, it's cherry tomatoes. Isn't that fascinating? Yeah, or grape tomatoes. Are those the same thing? Cherry and grapes? Because they look like two different fruits to me. Yeah. What were you gonna say different i was gonna say cherries and grapes look different to me but you call the tomato version the same you fucking dumbass right tomato tomato it's actually more

like tomato baby tomato that's really good when you called my dick small was that because you wanted to see me pissed off or do you actually think that I have a situation down there that could be compared to the size of a pinky? And we don't even have to keep this part into the show. Let's not. I'm just. It's both. It's honestly both. Because I know that it riles you up.

And there's a reason that it riles you up, right? Because it's true. Why would you get pissed if it wasn't true? i say it and i know that you're gonna i would get pissed if and it is not true i would get pissed and the reason i am pissed is because it's the rumor now is so antithetical to what's actually happening there and i can never prove the size of my cock regardless of how big my car is. You know how they say, the bigger your car, the bigger your dick?

So I have a Hummer H3 that I can barely afford. And that sort of, that message that gets sent to the world is that I'm hung, well hung, actually. And then you come onto the show and you say you have a baby carrot down there, which is funny, but kind of goes against. Not that I do or don't. I don't even want to talk about my dick, quite frankly.

You've commandeered the show to talk about your penis. Yeah. I'll admit that I've made at least two asides about it. Maybe more. Maybe more. But I still think you at least two asides about it. Maybe more. Maybe more. But I still think you're the one harping on it. I can see that. But ultimately, I do want to have a grand reveal.

And I don't think that is even possible at this point. Let's do our next live show. Actually, the HeadGum happy hour is not a bad place to do that. Because there's like 100 tickets. I'm just worried that I'll get in trouble. Yeah. But maybe it'll be fine. I don't know.

Right. I feel like you'd only get in trouble if you confirmed the rumors and whipped it out and you had a tiny little orange dick. Right. Which I don't. Right, which I don't. Right. So I won't be in trouble, basically. Yeah. So basically, if you do it,

then everyone will see and then you won't be in trouble. But if you don't... Yeah, well, I might have COVID, actually, on the day. So I don't even know if I'll make it to the show. Okay. All right. Okay.

Yes, exactly. It is okay. Let's drop it. I might get a respiratory illness and not be able to make it on day. I might have to be intubated. I won't be on stage that night. I won't be on stage left. I won't be on stage right.

I'll just be home that night. Mm-hmm. Having had a dick the size of a baby. Slash that regular carrot. Just cut to you at home eating a tiny, carving a baby carrot. Whittling it. Got one down at home. Yes, that brings us back to that theme song, back to the top. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, any of that stuff, send it on down to ifirewshow at gmail.com.

That's true. We need new questions. We need hot, fresh questions. Yes. Now's your best chance. And we need hot, fresh theme songs. Now's your best chance to send those as well. That's correct.

The email address one more time is ifirewshow at gmail.com. For more of us, we're on Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. Yes, we're watching the old videos. They're all, honestly, they're all great. They're all A's to us because we are sort of self-involved in a way. Right. We're doling out grades. I think we gave out a B minus and a C plus last week. Tough but fair.

Yeah. Uh, thank you again to Matthew Kazakos for this theme song, which is one more time that he stopped loving her today. Parody got went down on today. Uh, thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back. Of course, next week.

Ciao, everybody. Bye. You got went down on today. Ciao, everybody. Bye. Another girl, what was her name? It don't matter anyway. He feels guilty, he feels small. Betrayed his lady, dick and all. How'll he tell her what he's done? How'll he fight the urge to run?

My man's confused on what to do Maybe he'll write to if I were you Sure those boys will know what to say Maybe just simply I love you babe She's in the kitchen cleaning plates maybe she'll forgive all of his mistakes after all it was only

third base he just needs the perfect phrase After all it was only third base He just needs the perfect phrase He got went down on today He knows for his crimes that he must pay And soon he'll be a man and say He got went down on today That was a Hiddem Original. luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping,

GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com.

That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.