Segments - 565: Party Pooper

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

In this episode we discuss breaking up, driving bad, and moving to Romania. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. A golden mic that's so elusive The podcast slowly kills you

Losing every time time You look so tired unhappy Jake always so damn smug doesn't give a damn

about you You'll give a damn about you you'll take the quiet lives of cyanide into starbucks with no awards and no real prizes No awards and no real prizes No awards and no real prizes Turdys Turdys to rain Weird reaction for listening to that song, right? Oh, I heard the song earlier and it was kind of a bummer.

So I was listening to Party Hard by Andrew W.K. while it played for you. It definitely, it looked incongruous for sure. Your phone also rang during it. Yeah, I had a confused, scared sentiment. You were dancing with the rock coins out. And then the phone, for sure. And then the phone, yeah.

That's really interesting. That was actually my brother. So Ben, if you're listening, you actually called. During that moment in time. Oh, I thought the guy that wrote the theme song was your brother, Ben. Oh, that'd be cool. No, the guy that wrote the theme song was your brother, Ben. Oh, that'd be cool. No, the guy that wrote the theme song, quite frankly.

And do you know that that's a Radiohead parody? I didn't. It sounded like a Crash Test Dummies song. I thought that's what it was parodying. Yeah. I don't think I knew that song. Do we have... Somebody parodied that song for us already.

Yes, it does sound familiar that's a great song uh this one is radiohead's no surprises no something no surprises uh i liked it maybe i'd like radiohead i never really i only the only song i know by them is that uh i'm a creep one yeah what about karma police okay i know that one too yeah that's it radiohead is what like the cool high schoolers were listening to at my high school it's like i would listen to basic music but like whoa the interesting artistic kids are listening to radiohead yeah not me and still not me um this is a massive day one fan from the netherlands loved your show in am Amsterdam a while back.

Oh, amazing. Nothing to plug, so I'll plug my home city of Utrecht, a beautiful, less crowded version of Amsterdam. Oh, that sounds great. We should go. Utrecht. Do you remember our show in Amsterdam? Wasn't that a weird one?

Yeah, I remember the theater being awesome. It looked like a futuristic hotel. Like there was good food and glass walls. I remember, like usually we ate like garbage before a show and this, they had like grilled salmon, couscous, a bunch of like vegetables. it was very healthy and good yeah it was like talking about incongruous it was like a venue for a philharmonic and then we were just like yeah and then i asked the question what do i do if my girlfriend's snail trails on my sheaths yeah yeah oh man good stuff will you plug the symphony that's playing here tomorrow on your way out we still have to sell some tickets for that it's quite apropos because this next question is about a butt plug daniel gruthuysen is who wrote that song

nice gruthuysen gruthuysen gruthuysen yeah and gruthuysen to you is who wrote that song. Nice. Grooth-heisen. Grooth-heisen. Grooth-heisen. Yeah. And Grooth-heisen to you. Grooth-heisen. Grooth-heisen, yes. This is If I Were You, the only advice pod in the world

that references Utrecht, a beautiful, less crowded version of Amsterdam. I am Amstel Bloemthuizen. Whoa. version of amsterdam i am i'm still bloom thyssen whoa and i am jacobine herwitsenwagen that's cool and we're fucking dutch now that's all it takes um awesome savage is there any easy way to become uh european citizens like can i prove that a grandparent or something was born and had to flee and then i can just get like a european passport yeah i think depending on where your family fled the holocaust it's actually it could be easy do you know where they were pre-israel yeah i think romania and poland interesting yeah i think

there is there are ways um i know they're like i looked into it once and i remember like there's some there's certain countries where it's easier to get um that eu passport than others but definitely if um if if your ancestors fled the holocaust then that's a way in. But you have to be able to prove it. But it's, no, you don't necessarily have to. I don't know. I guess you have to be able to prove it. But it is kind of weird

because they like, you know, mass graves and burned records, et cetera, et cetera. Right. So it seems kind of unfair if the onus is on you to prove it. But I guess it can be done. Is it crazy to think that Romania should be honored

to have me as a citizen? Is that nuts for me to wait to have them invite me to be a citizen? It's nuts considering how hard that sentence was for you to get out, that you feel like you're a man worthy of romanian citizenship not only just having the citizenship but but being heralded by the country of romania them begging you to be a citizen yes i do think that's nuts that you would expect i really think

i know you do the entire city of bucharest should look fucking unveil a red carpet and have me yeah that is clear we know that's not like don't think that this is a reveal of your opinion you you basically said this as soon as you asked the question we knew you're where you were headed i really don't see a world where the entire village of timi soara doesn't invite me over for tea i think it'd be interesting to have you accepted and rejected by romania so like a statue is constructed and everyone turns up to kind of like do that thing where they pull it down with ropes and then everyone cheers. And hung in the Times Square of, let's say, Bayamare. Yeah, you're doing a great job of learning the names of all the cities right now, though.

Yeah, just like me, just to go out to dinner in Mangalia, but have them pay for it would be... Do you think we could do a show in Mangalia? It looks like a really nice city. It's like on the water. I mean, my God. Are you still down to move? There's a lot of cool cities in the world that I bet are even better better than america in a way because it's like do you think there's a place for you to live that's better than silver lake i don't know i really really need to be close to a whole foods yeah but i feel like you probably could be i mean essentially what you like about so like the whole foods isn't even the food it's just the hot bar

so i feel like yeah i'd like to be able to get like teriyaki chicken but also a samosa yeah exactly you want a buffet every night and i think you could find that in like one of those european seaside markets yeah sure take a look at mangalia romania okay do you want to, do you want to move there? Well, I'd have to sort of get a temperature check first for me to live. There might be a little fast. I mean,

Mongolia. It feels like it would be Mongolia, not Mongolia, right? It kind of looks like the Hawaii of Romania. Yeah. It's definitely near water. I thought it was going to have a bit more character than this.

Yeah. It looks like Florida. Yeah, it looks like Florida. That's exactly what it looks like. And not Miami. It's the Florida of Romania. I don't even know where Romania is. Oh, there we go.

Yeah, we were kind of getting lambasted in the comments with our lack of European geography. Remember that one episode we were pointing to? We were just thousands of miles away from the countries. Yeah. I really wonder if those folks just like to lambast us, but they themselves actually wouldn't necessarily know where Romania is. Yeah. I really wonder if those folks just like to lambast us, but they themselves actually wouldn't necessarily know where Romania is. Yeah. Or maybe they're from there. Yeah.

Or even if they're not and they know geography, maybe there's shit that we know that they don't that we could be like, yeah, but can you do this? Or something like that to zing them back. Right. I feel like I must know something more than they know something, you know? Right. Like what's your area of expertise that you could be like, yeah, I might not know where fucking Lithuania is, but have you ever heard of?

Like I could name any single porn star. Well, it would be something like that. That does anal. I was thinking something more general. Like you could name a porn star and I would be able to tell you if they do anal. That is trivia. How politics works in America or something interesting like that. Yeah, can you name the state senator from New York or something like that?

Name. Name like anyone who won an AVn award from 2012 to 2020 and i'll tell you if they do anal um yeah i don't know riley reed yes okay do you know the senator one about new york Who the senators are? No, if they do anal. Schumer does anal for sure. That's why they call him Chuck. Because he once chucked anal. What?

He once chucked anal. I heard it. I heard it. I heard it. Didn't make any sense on the day. Yeah. All right. Let's answer some questions from real people. They're in sticky situations.

They're trying to get out of their mess. And we'll do our best to help. Sweet. Here's a pretty recent one. A freshie, we should call it, from last weekend. Freshie. A Halloween party, yeah. Last weekend, my boyfriend and I hosted our second annual Halloween party.

Is there a famous female costume? What was your costume this year, I should ask? It was a black cat, again. Got it. Okay. Sarah was there. She was Carmen Sandiego. Okay, that's good.

Carmen Sandiego writes, it was Matrix themed. The party was at our house and quite large, extending invites to the friends of friends zone, which was mistake number one. Anyway, at one point there was a long line to get into the bathroom. I jokingly and lightheartedly yelled out, hey, who's pooping in there? No pooping allowed on the Matrix party. Mind you, I had no idea who was inside. It was just a funny poop joke, right? Wrong.

This bitch comes out of the bathroom. A chick I'd never met before in my life, and she was pissed. Sis must have actually been pooping. She threatened to beat me up for making a comment about her. She chased me through the house onto the back deck where a verbal altercation ensued she said i looked like a 50 year old woman and that she would kick my ass i'm 24 uh she then punches me in the head over a poop joke i can't make this shit up my friends had my back and they had to drag her off my property and get her an Uber.

My question is, what do I do now? I don't really want her to get away with literally assaulting me. Should I be the bigger person and move on? Or should I be petty and dox the bitch slash post the footage of her threatening me? Should I get back at her in a funny way? Should I press charges? I low-key want to ruin her life and then the emoji of crying from laughter

i low-key want to ruin her life it is funny to imagine like a a curb episode where or just like a sticky situation where somebody beats the shit out of you and you have the video of it and you're like i'm gonna post this online just to ruin this person's life but you also look like a huge weakling because it's getting the shit beat out of you check this out this crazy person beat my ass for next to no reason you punch wow you couldn't defend yourself you. Yeah, here you are running away through your house. Yeah, she assaulted me. You escaped onto the back porch. Yeah.

Isn't that crazy? Oh, look at this. You're trying to pay her off. You're giving her money. You're saying, leave me alone. Yeah, but she didn't even take it. She ended up kicking me in the chair. That's really fucked.

It feels like this thing has run its course, right? That's kind of you you want to you want to nip this in the bud you want to let you want to put this to rest yeah some people do and some people want they like the drama they like the vengeance of it all she wants to low-key ruin her life yeah i think if it's, if you got hit and you actually have like medical expenses, if you have to, if you're, if you're not okay, then you can press charges. You can a petty thing like that was like so random so weird she punched me in front of my friends and now i'm gonna ruin her life that feels like a uh like an overreaction to what happened yeah not that what she did was good but just that i i do think that being the bigger person is probably the move here i wonder why the lady was so mad about the poop joke no pooping in the matrix and you get out of there and start fucking wailing on somebody it should it must have been like the last

draw she must have been going through something anyway i think that anytime i've ever like gotten that frustrated at somebody it was never like um i was perfectly fine then they did something and then i freaked out um this happened this is loosely related but i was on i was on the highway yesterday or two days ago yeah um driving back from red hook with jill jill's taking a nap she's asleep and there's this part of the highway where like all of the the cars are going from like four lanes to three lanes to two and then to one. We'd been sitting there for like 20 minutes and everyone's just like inching along. And then these cars keep on coming.

Yeah, they just like, you know, they ride up on the curb and then they try to break like go in at the last second. And I was like, this is so annoying. Like two people did it. I see a third one coming i'm like i i'm not gonna stand for this and i just pulled out kind of onto the shoulder and i took up uh two each lane not letting them out yeah yeah not letting this guy pass right um but then uh so that's where it's related to the story just that like i wasn't mad when the first person did it it's always just like that that third thing where you're like you know what fuck this i'm gonna do something the straw that broke the camel's back yeah did you feel like

this person one driver sort of boxing someone out on a curve i felt like a little bit of a hero i felt like the the the other folks around me who had seen everyone cutting and who are now seeing me put an end to the cutting yeah that's they were like happy but my dog's in the back seat also asleep jill's asleep and this guy it was the wrong person to do it to he just starts like laying on his horn oh wow and i'm like well i don't want to i don't want to do this and then he rolled down his window and he stuck his head out and he was wearing a fucking clown mask. But like one of the fucking freaky ones, like the angry, scary clown mask. He basically looked like the jokester after he killed someone.

So he's just like riding with his head out the window. Yeah, exactly. So I pulled back into my lane. Then he pulled up and he just is sitting next to me. Jill's still asleep. Hanks his head out the window and starts like bobbing it side to side. And he must have been saying something, but I couldn't hear it. And I didn't know what else to do.

So I just started laughing because I was like, if he thinks I'm having a fun time, he can't be mad. And sure enough, he drove off. Laughter is the worst medicine. Gets out of his car. Oh, shit, I'm attacking him. What would I do? What would I do? Chill, wake up and help.

Right. Bingo, do something. Was this daylight or was this at night? Daylight. Bright daylight. That's good. Yeah. Yeah.

And if I had taken a video, he beats the shit out of me. I post it online. I say I got my ass kicked by a clown who wanted to cut me off. Like a clown, like a bad driver? Like, yeah. like a clown like a bad driver yeah like yeah would i if i had footage of this guy getting out of his car and beating the shit out of me would i post it to ruin his life i don't know look at this clown it would yeah would you want to be viral true but as far as what i would do i would always err on the side of getting uh the whole situation over with i wouldn't want to prolong

see this person again what's the point right you it's there's consequences this person is not allowed to come to any more of your parties this This person, everybody will know that this person, actually the lasting reputations on her are worse. She's the party pooper. She's the one who was pooping at a party and then got called out and got so mad that she got into a fight and that she chased someone. So I think it's already an appropriate punishment for the for the crime yeah i like that she was a literal party pooper yeah exactly in fact i guess you could call her a party pooper that was i mean that was the intention of my like the pun was intended so yeah don't feel like you i was gonna say yeah joke of the

ep so far but yeah i agree i agree that is a golden mic for me because it was my joke i said party pooper and that would be a 30 for you obviously because of the way you handled it you basically heard my joke thought you could say it louder in a different way and skate by and that's tacky let's go to break this is crazy now i feel like i'm taking a shit i wish i had the courage to stand up for myself the way this pooper did that would be awesome. But you don't.

Yeah. Keep pushing me. You don't have a backbone. Why don't you go to break, you little bitch? I will. Right? Yeah. But I want to anyway.

Right. I'm going to do exactly like I told you to do. Sure. I'm going to break. And why don't you thank some sponsors? Okay. I'm down. For thinking about what you did.

Okay. Let's do that. Okay. By the way, say thank you for the turdy. Thank you. I was going to. Asshole. That's so sad.

What'd you call it? Nothing, dude. I wanted to get in a jab so that I can convince myself we're sort of ribbing each other jerk thank you for the turdy and i'm an asshole sad tram trombone. You know what I mean? All right, BRB.

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Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name

through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's kind of like having a new personality. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any?

Oh, it's a little sooner than I thought. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Stackable wire shelves, buddy. Stackable wire shelf buddies? Wire shelves. I'm saying stackable wire shelves and then calling you buddy. I see.

Yeah. What's an example of a stackable wire shelf? Okay, so you open up your cabinet, right? right and you've got say that's where you keep your snacks okay um you open up your cabinet how do you how are you getting access to the to the snacks are they just kind of all sitting on the like the base of the cabinet yeah uh on the shelf of that cabinet and you have to reach back yeah yeah um well you can put a little wire shelving unit with pull out oh i see like kind of turn everything into a two-story little compartment exactly so instead of front it's not all just top and bottom exactly precisely that's exactly what i'm talking

about and these are probably very affordable because it's just uh pieces of wire yeah i was i think i bought um a few at the container store like 14 a shelf yeah and it really gives you a lot more room because you you can store things right below the drawer you can store things in the drawer you can store things on the next drawer up and also on the top of the wire shelf so that deep cabinet storage that you can never really ever tell what was back there yeah you now have access to everything and with access comes responsibility as we all know yeah well as long as you have access and control then you also inherit the responsibility are you moving snacks from their natural containers to uniform containers that you've purchased it depends on the snack

but occasionally that will happen so with cereal are you leaving it in the box or are you transferring it to one of those pop-top containers cereal goes to a tall uh kind of like plastic tub tupperware style thing and when you finish the cereal are you adding more cereal to that same tub or do you give it a dishwasher full rinse rebrand or are you okay with adding pretzels to the crumbs of the cereal that was there, thus making the entire thing some sort of a hodgepodge of the flavors? Because you have to get out of your ass. You're crying. You're crying.

I know what you want me to say. Let me come over and let me organize your stuff, man. Yeah, I guess I was just curious how, if you ever. I'll do a wash. I'll do a hand wash. More than a rinse, but not a dishwash. Not a put it in the dishwasher. Do a hand wash on that.

Yeah. For sure you have to, I was going to say. For sure you do have to. What's your storage game like is i will dump everything on the ground and have a family feed bag for weeks ants dogs me eating off the fucking floor without my hands got it and when you're done with that do you wash the floor. I burned the house. Because the entire place is sticky. Fair. I had a piece of tape on my finger.

Why? Did I have to let it linger? What were you taping? I was putting a banana on the wall. Because I was sick of hurting my back. Quite frankly. Oh my God, you're a hoarder. You're guarding a hoard in your house. You have plastic bags of your own feces. You won't throw anything away. Yeah, I'm sort of, what's it called at Burning

Man when you leave no trace of your remnants or whatever? Oh, MOOP. Yeah. What is that? Matter out of place. Leave no trace. You're talking about MOOP. Yes.

No in, no out or something like that. What does that stand for? MOOP stands for matter out of place. It's just something you have to be cognizant of at Burning Man. But you're also maybe thinking of the leave no trace policy. I see. Yes, Leah, exactly. So that's how I want to leave this house.

I don't want to make sure that people knew that I was actually peeping and pooping in here. Right. I see. You torch it all, return it to the earth. Yes. A controlled fire. Exactly. And if half your neighborhood goes with it that's fine because ultimately they're all in this together with me did you get any trick-or-treaters um i think we got like you know two or three nobody nobody was like coming

yeah no one was like going down the street ringing doorbells there was kind of like a few families that walked down the street almost as if like on parade and people were out on their stoops and the kids could come and like grab candy but it wasn't like ding dong trick or treat i wonder if that happens now or if that's just like like basically i'm wondering if that was happening in springland where I grew up. Like, were the kids walking door to door, ringing doorbells? Was it full on trick or treat like it was back when I was a kid? Or is that just like less?

Does that happen less now? I think it contains streets. Like, it's not on everywhere, every street. Like, a lot of, like, neighborhoods congregate onto, like, this row of houses that do it. But if you're not in that row of houses that do it but if you're not in that row of houses you just don't you're not in the action yeah i bought all this we have a huge bowl of candy that uh didn't make didn't get a dent in it yeah so i'll be eating those mounds bars yeah off the floor and the almond joys maybe that's why nobody took it because your candy sucks there's a reason there's some racism there

stop laughing like that man you're having a seizure i'm having a mounds bar how about this actual sad question we got we never really answer sad questions i'm curious i'm intrigued by a sad question should we do a sad question only episode sometime that'd be nice then we can play that radiohead song again is it raining in new york maybe we can match the mood no actually it was raining this morning but the sun just broke through. It's gorgeous right now. Shit. Don't say fuck. It's happy for me. Yeah, but bad for the mood. It's just incredible warm light on the block.

It's really nice. Let's finish this up so I can get outside. Okay. My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. Through COVID, transferring schools, multitude of things and events. When are around us, people say, you guys have a great relationship and you guys are great for each other. When in reality, the past year has been fraught with emotional stress and we most likely put it on each other. After a very amicable,

tearful conversation, we realized that we're not working out and something has to change, blah, blah, blah, same old conversations we've had many times, always ending in a stalemate. But following a night of sitting together, archiving photos on Instagram, looking at new apartments, followed by sleeping on the couch, I'm in a sorry state of mind, teetering between realizing our incompatibility and if we just learn how to communicate early enough in our relationship, it would have been savable, exemplified, and a fitful night of pursuing our old photos and memories i get quite literally a stabbing feeling of how wrong this feels and truly happy how our memories are maybe i need validation of something maybe i needed to vent all i uh all i know is that

if you guys have been with me for all my life until this point. Oh, you guys have been. So at my most vulnerable, I turn to two American comedians who run a podcast network naturally. So I guess if I had my question, it would be thus. Should I naturally let things run its course? Time will heal my wounds? Or not give in to the dying light

and try to fix it? Okay. Well, I feel like you and I are going to have the exact same answer. Which is you're 23 and you shouldn't force this round peg into a square hole. I was going to say,

go to her. This is fixable. What? No, yeah, kidding. No, I mean, I think this happens a lot. I know that it happened to me when I was leaving past relationships. You start to remember things with the rose-colored glasses where you fixate on the good times.

And then that makes you kind of be like, wait, what are we doing? We're throwing all of this away, like all of the good memories. It feels like they're they're worthless now yeah um but that's just a natural that's a natural instinct that happens to everybody and i think you have to remember to trust yourself because when you were in a more rational state you decided that it wasn't right for you guys. And she also decided that too. So stay the course. And my advice would be to not do the archiving thing and the reflecting thing and the sleeping on the couch

and staying in close proximity. Looking at a new apartment sounds great, but get out of there. Extract yourself from the situation. And then once you have some distance, you can go back and archive the Instagram photos, you can reach out and maybe have a friendship or something. But it's the half measures that are going to keep having you like waffling between your decisions and keep pulling you back and nothing's going to change. Yeah. And if it was truly meant to be,

maybe you guys can separate for a year or two. And then like, all right, we tried that. And it was also bad. And we appreciate each other now at age 25, six, seven or whatever. Right. To be fair, you've already tried staying together and you actually have not tried breaking up. So try that and then see. Give both options, you know. Yeah. But you really do have to commit to the breakup. And not easy, but the only way that it gets better is if you actually follow through and do it.

If you sit there and wallow, then it doesn't actually feel like breaking up. It feels like wallowing. Yeah. And honestly, the worst it can be when you're alone is still kind of fine because you can sort of do whatever you want. Yeah.

So even if you're alone, you still get to hang out with, well, me. Yeah. I was going to say to try to think about the positives, but hanging out with you, I mean, no offense. I'm going to be there with him. I want to watch some Canadian football with the guy. I was just going to say that the thought of

being in a relationship that's bad. Take me to your dealer. Let's get high for a week and see if you even remember this whore's name. God. God. You're lonely. He goes back to her instantly. goes no you should be single like you should be single single like me

well i never had to have a girl i actually hell i actually need a friend this will be perfect and now i eat off the floor so yeah don't uh don't turn around because we're gonna see her heartbreak and try the breakup thing and see how it goes yeah i say try the breakup thing see how that goes for sure most people do go through a bad breakup in their lives it's you know a rite of passage in a way yeah definitely i think i mean i touched on, but I'm telling you, I've been here too, where I was getting out of a relationship that wasn't right. And I still felt like that, like,

Oh fuck moment. Like, what are, what are we doing? This, this is the wrong decision, but stayed the course and I'm much happier in my life now. There we go.

Uh, okay. Let's take another spot sponsored break. Thank somebody else and come back with another cue. All right. All right. There we go. Okay. Let's take another sponsored break. Thank somebody else and come back with another cue. All right. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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Thanks, DraftKings. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's,ald's you pick a mcdouble or a mcchicken then get a small fry a small drink and a four-piece mcnuggets that's a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money price and participation may vary for a limited time only boo we're back oh nice this is a week after halloween so not super timely or relevant to hit them with a boo. Well, there's nothing scarier than spending the holidays with your loved ones. But do they love you? Not yours.

Not yours. I was going to say I wasn't. Invited to my family Thanksgiving dinner this year. Right. If you can believe that. You can. Help. I need somebody.

Help. I'm eating food off the floor. Help. Yeah. Your house, there's an eviction notice behind your head. Yeah, it was red tagged. It was red flagged. Obviously, a health risk.

They can't move me because of COVID moratoriums at place. But what I can do is keep on keeping on. It's a hazardous living situation. They can repossess your house if you're a danger to yourself and others and i'm a hazard to myself yeah you won't flush your toilet and that's fucked up it's irritating oh we actually got another canadian themed sort of halloween party question so this is perfect. Great. I love that. I'm a guy from Canada who's been dating a girl

for a year and a couple months, and it's been going really well until last week. She went to a Halloween party, and I wasn't able to make it to because I had work. The next day, she came up to me and told me that her and another girl were vaping and passing the smoke back and forth by kissing. I'm not a very jealous person, but she's bi and has had a girlfriend before.

At first, it didn't bother me at all. But then the other girl came and apologized to me. Am I missing something? And is this actually something I should worry about? Or should I just carry that on like I have been? Thanks for the help and have a spooky halloween this is a spooky question i feel like the other haunting yes this is the this is an act that will haunt your relationship it's funny to be like i forgive you it's okay and then have another apology that kind of signals

that it was more serious than it seemed wait she apologized and you didn't so maybe i am jealous and i'm mad at you um so so the girlfriend came clean and apologized then the girl that she kissed came over and also apologized that's correct slash erect in that i guess a bunch of guys were sort of chubbed out seeing this sort of vaping kissing back and forth situation happen it said that no i'm just assuming i see so you're thinking that they put on a show uh not a formal one with invites and tickets but obviously it just seems like a crowd i think yeah i think you misread the question i think you misread it or misinterpreted it i think you read it correctly i i mean i think i think moving on is the right vibe and it's if if we you can't force actually being upset if you're not if you're like i'm moving on should i be jealous i think you should feel what you're feeling

and if it resurfaces then maybe that would signal um one your girlfriend's not ready for a relationship and two maybe you don't care care enough to be in this relationship with her either. So just sort of feel what you feel naturally. Don't try to see if you should be jealous based on how other people are acting. Yeah, yeah. If it's bothersome, let her know. And if it's not, actually, then you can just sort of keep on keeping on. Maybe this won't come up very often. This seems like a

pretty specific situation she found herself in. But if it comes up again, then you would kind of just be like, well, it sounds like this isn't good for our relationship. This isn't good for us. This isn't good for Opa, as it were. Actually actually i'm down to pass a vape too if you want to kiss me right you mentioned that to the guy that was um newly single you said that you wanted to get high with him yeah now you're telling this person that you want to vape with them and it feels it stands to read in my nose you are saying and use my skull as a fucking bowl yeah with strangers with fans who write into the show you want to hang out with them at honestly during the lower points in their lives you want to spend time with them getting high doing vapes And I feel like this is a cry for help from you, if I can be sincere for a moment.

In a way, in a way. I do wonder if anyone wants to hang out with me, though. Right. Yeah. Did you notice that none of the questions ask about hanging out with you, even though it's clearly very much on the table? Nobody's ever like, what should I do? Should I hang out with Amir? it's clearly very much on the table nobody's ever like what should i do should i hang out with amir i wonder let me see yeah like because i was gonna say if they do we can almost monetize that but yeah and i was gonna

say that nobody wants to spend time with you yeah this one is no go this one specifically said p.s you're offering it for free You're offering it for free. You're offering it for free. No one wants it. And your reaction to that is maybe I should monetize it. I think because it's like it might be one of those. There's like this pretty interesting case study in this where alcohol charged triple and the sales went up. Do you know what I'm talking about?

I don't actually. But don't reference... I believe it was studies when you are hanging on to pieces of your feces because you're a hoarder. Chivas Regal. Hmm? I think Chivas Regal used to just cost less and then they raised their pricing and it was kind of an interesting case study

in consumer behavior consider you're all over the place you're all over the place you had to get into spirits is all at five thousand a bottle people would have to be intrigued fine you know what why don't you do that i'll host this podcast with somebody else. How's that? I honestly could, even if I sold 10 a month, that's 50 grand. 10 a month of what? Of my liqueur. 5,000, yeah. Case study.

Did you just Google case study? The Chivas Regal effect, yes. Let me send you some literature. Who's your manager? You know i don't have a manager yeah so uh shivas regal was once a not reputable brand uh and instead of changing the quality of the whiskey they decided to change the price and the story has been known as the shivas regal effect uh term is used when an increase in price of our product drives increased sales so for me to hang out with you or sell you a bottle of whatever the fuck at zero dollars and now you're saying this plan into the microphone so people might oh yeah yeah yeah no this whole thing will be cut cut this out okay all right great cut this out

yeah this will be cut this will obviously be cut oh here's an interesting video escape from zip ties you're wasting time you're a hoarder you're an online hoarder as well as a physical one i'm a time hoarder my new adult swim show time hoarder schmuel blumenfeld time hoarder uh okay so i guess don't be jealous if you're not yeah that sounds right and if you are let her. An open communication is key. Mm-hmm. Okay. Thank you for everybody's questions and theme songs. If you have your own, send them on down to ifireashow at gmail.com.

Right on. We're also watching Jake and Amir videos and commenting on them, like Reddit part one and two recently. So if you're down to watch those, that's on our Patreon, patreon.com slash ja. Ja. And you can, as always, up up toke them to karma heaven oh yeah um opening theme song closing theme song was the karma police uh no not karma please radiohead cover by daniel yes daniel grew thaisen daniel grew thaisen Yes, Daniel Gruthuizen. Daniel Gruthuizen. So let's hear it again.

It's called Turdies. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you. See you next week. A golden mic that's so elusive The podcast slowly kills you Losing every time You look so tired, unhappy Jake, always so damn smug Doesn't give a damn about you You'll take the quiet life

To Zionite at a Starbucks With no awards and no real prizes No awards and no real prizes No awards and no real prizes Turkeys Turkeys That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is

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