Segments - 566: Blue Corn Moon

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

In this episode we discuss bad neighbors, infertility, and Amir's smoothie business. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. there was a decorated co-host with a mic of gold that spoke weekly to a chipmunk who's old and logged episodes of advice that they have told a casanova in his own time but on the eve of your

promotion or your second date the old co-host was locked into discussion so he did in debate with a frail uncle who struggled to find the word he muttered to earn the turdy so email if I were you the podcast these two Jews

will outlast your sophomore year relationship you said i love you too fast so they've put you on blast right before this squarespace ad whoa damn what a cover the general yeah by dispatch dispatch that's right oh yeah major major song for me in college yeah it was just a late 90s early 2000s 20-ish year old white dude vibes from that song yeah you gotta believe i learned to play the opening notes on an acoustic guitar and that was enough to make everyone think I knew the full song.

Yeah. So like you were fucking around on a guitar and was like, oh, yeah. Yeah. And then that's all you need. It's like, oh, do you know those songs? It's like, yeah, but I have to, I got to jet. That song was such a specific song. Like nothing came before or after from Dispatch.

And this was just like a one-off song about the general. And it's like everyone knew this song and then it all went away. I remember downloading full Dispatch songs on Morpheus or Kazaa. Or full Dispatch albums. And I liked other songs from the albums. But definitely none of them have the staying power. It was that song. And I already forget the band,

but the song was- You're thinking OAR, Crazy Game of Poker, right? I was. I was thinking. Yeah, for sure. It was another one-off white boy song that what happened since or before OAR? Yeah, I don't. I really don't know.

It was a crazy game of poker. I lost it all. Oh, wow. Dispatch was OAR. They're the same. Yeah, I guess every four years they reinvented themselves, became a new band, released one song. But then you have a band like

Guster and Dave Matthews, who just hit after hit after hit, they just kept coming. You can't name a bad Guster song. I guess it's one thing to come up with a good song and another thing to just be able to do it for years and years and multiple songs and multiple albums yeah yeah not easy three doors down

superman well then they then they moved on to i think just performing at the rnc and stuff that's unfortunate but what is fortunate is we did get a red wave yes congratulations i wanted to say yes red wave the rs picked up three seats waiting for a lot of them are too close to call still but that's because there's massive voting fraud and i'm wondering why whether we obviously the republicans won in some states where there was no voter fraud, but then the Democrats are winning in states where there's just widespread. Yeah. Voter fraud. Something's amiss.

Yeah. Something is not right there. It is cool that these midterm elections are like the first kind of widespread failures of Trump to get candidates elected. I sort of had given up hope that that was a possibility. Yeah. No, it's definitely a good thing. It seems like Trump has his own special brand and people like him, but anyone that he thinks is cool, people don't like. Right. Like Dr. Oz oz right it's basically

just trump and no one else can do it but still not great still not great a lot of them are very close but yeah it's good that it's close in a way where dr oz loses by a little bit instead of wins totally but this things can i mean they could still get control of the House and the Senate. That's possible. Oh, for sure. It's in play. So like a narrow victory is just as bad, maybe not just as bad, but also bad.

Yeah. Herschel Walker has to go down. That's the last domino to drop. I was thinking that if we were making Jake and the Mears as regularly as we used to, Elon Musk buying Twitter would be a very funny episode as well. Yeah. We can and should shoot another.

Okay, cool. So I have the opening so far. What do you have? It's me walking in in a cap and gown. Okay. And I go, walking in in a cap and gown okay and i go da da da da elon da da da da musk okay are you that's all i have so far so you're you're a musk fan i'm a musk stan yes and i got a cap and gown to celebrate or something like that.

Yeah, because usually you don't like internet strongmen. You're against like Mark Zuckerberg, but you're a pro Elon. Exactly. Because he's sort of an outsider. And he was able to get me verified for $8 a month. So I'm sort of excited about that prospect. Yeah, I guess the the america character would have like several verified twitter accounts that you were paying for

now all my troll bots are verified on twitter so i can start little mini can't go ignored they're all must-haves must-haves you would you would run a troll farm. That's something your character would have done. I'm in charge of 10,000 Bangladeshi tweeters who are responsible of disseminating misinformation at my whim. Yeah, that's perfect. Careful or I might get them to dox your ass. In Jake and Amir canon, you stormed the Capitol the capital right did we talk about that in one of the in one of the latest ones i can't remember yeah it would be funny if i was there and got like locked in a porta potty or i just like followed the crowd and people treated me as a piñata

yeah you it seems like you wouldn't have like gone there on purpose, but accidentally got swept up in the entire thing. Yeah, the craze. But I twisted my ankle trying to scale a wall. Help me, brothers. And for the rest of the afternoon, I was used as some sort of ladder. You got stuck in a window and people used you to climb up and climb in. You know Rapunzel's hair? Yeah, so that was my leg taint and crotch.

I was climbed raw. 30 ways from Sunday. I was treated like a rope by the alt-right. How is that alt-right? There you go. Yeah, it's writing itself. We'll do it for the January 6th anniversary. Oh, perfect.

I guess it's already been a year. I guess it's already been a year to shoot. Yeah. There we go. Okay. But this is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake. you the only advice pot on the web hosted by us i'm amir i am jake um and we're not just gonna

talk politics okay we're also gonna talk about other governmental issues nice oh you know what let's talk about small government yeah local elections how to go new york city um new york i think the big one was uh the governor uh the governor's race, Hochul versus Zeldin. She won. The Democrat beat out the kind of like Nazi sympathizer guy that she ran against. But there was a lot of movement who the Republic, like a lot of districts went like red they oh right in the in new york right like on long island and stuff yeah but i think i mean there's still a democratic majority uh i read this funny tweet let me see if i can oh yeah here we go uh from ben rosen i don't

even know who this person is so don't at me but he said every race is like the democrat has a narrow 50.1 to 49.9 lead over republican challenger gunch hitler who ran on a platform of exploding everyone that's how it felt last night yeah yeah that is kind of all of all of the democrats eked out of victory over people who are openly against the worst seeming people in the world yeah they were just bad enough if only they just didn't do one more evil thing they would have won by 312 votes yeah it seems crazy it's everyone it seems like they would have had an easy time winning but they had to question the election results, I guess. Yeah.

They had to think the insurrection wasn't that bad. Here's a vice question from a Berkeley EDU email address. Let's hear it. Holy shit, a fellow Golden Bear. Good man. We'll call this lady Oski, our mascot. Oski the Bear. I come to you with a question as a 20-year-old college student.

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months now, and everything is going great. He treats me very well. And even though it's really early into the relationship, we've talked about our future long-term post-graduation marriage, how he wants to raise a family, et cetera. My problem arises with this. I noticed his semen is very watery, like way more watery than any previous partner of mine. He doesn't seem to be aware of

this. After a brief research, I found that it might be a sign of infertility. I know that I'm a long ways away from even needing to think about this, but it's been on my mind a lot, especially since we talk about the future so much. I know that you guys will advise me not to bring it up but if i did how should i tell them how do you even bring up your fertility concerns in a casual way in what situation could i bring this topic up maybe there's some sort of help i can get them if that's all too boring what would be the funniest way to bring it up i've been a fan of you guys for forever now and even used my school email berkeley to write this in hopes of giving me some priorities and some mirror. Our most notable alum went there.

Holy smokes. Yeah. You think you're the most notable alum? That's a good question. Who else is there, really? I mean, it's either me or Aaron Rodgers. Didn't that guy that sings She Bangs? Yeah, William Hung is up there for sure.

William Hung. Jason Kidd, one of the best point guards in nba history i don't know about other celebrities though notable alumni um marshall lynch he's got to be up there uh anyway all of them after you obviously that is from we'll call her, Oski. Okay, sweet, Oski. How viscous or watery is your seed? Sorry if that's a personal question, but let's... You know, Thin Lizzy?

Yeah. I have Th thin Jizzy. So mine is not on like low, nonfat, skim milk. Right. Yeah. Borderline. It could be mistaken for urine if it weren't so cloudy. I see.

Interesting. So it's. It looks like a lemonade. It looks like lemonade faucet coming out quite so it's yellow are you sure it's not p because it could you said it looks like my cum is pre-cum i don't have cum i have pre-cum i have cum which is not just pre-cum and post-coital cum which is just yeah more of this almost clear almost like a when you walk onto the shore. You basically only premature ejaculate, right? Exactly.

It's cloudy like the sand. You come quick in a steady stream. Coming out of a clear, clear beach. So it's almost completely translucent, slightly luminescent. But ultimately, I'm infertile. Not unlike this guy. Cool. i'm infertile not unlike this guy cool um i wonder like to me it's i feel like so often things like this are like it could be a sign of infertility and that's like a what like a 0.01

chance or something like i i wonder basically like question the medical or i mean i'm sure it's like it's yes it could be a sign it could be a sign of many other things your diet etc how much water you drink right so maybe maybe it's too much to jump directly to infertility let's see thick semen usually results from a higher than normal concentration of sperm uh high sperm concentration often indicates that you're able to more likely impregnate a female partner wow so okay i guess uh i guess she's spot on in that right regard oh here's a good question what counts is thick it's tough because yeah how can you

how do you quantify thickness you know what i mean viscosity when i know it's it is it's dense it's like a marble almost basically i pass a kidney stone every time there's a syrup that you left outside to harden into this sort of amber glue yeah jurassic park style there's a mosquito yeah prehistoric dino dna dino dna is the worst thing to call your own semen. Here comes dino DNA. That's when a really old person comes, yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

This is a tough one. Again, I wouldn't bring it up, but she's asking us the best way to bring it up. I think this type of thing, I always advocate for pretending like you just noticed. So next time you see his comments, like, wow, that's pretty watery. That's thinner than usual for you even. Not even because it's fine usually, but I just noticed that it's thin now. What's going on there? I wonder if anything's going on. And then you kind of have have you help him to question

the seed and then that that moves into oh i was just helping you know you weren't like you aren't the person being like what hey something is wrong with your cum yeah he's like you just say what's up with it yeah i'm not saying anything's wrong. I'm just curious about it. And then he says, now I must, now I think something's wrong. And I'll figure it out. I'll look into it. Yeah. Yeah. It's so much, it's so much, you know, the Incubus song, it's so much better.

So it's so much wetter when everyone is thin. Are you thin? Maybe she turns it into this sort of like a weird al-esque science song yeah i have no idea what song that is that incubus song yeah i think it's called uh are you in or something that's cool we were talking about white musicians earlier i thought you're on board but yeah i mean i brandon right his name incubus also to me only has one song it's that uh pardon me while i burst pardon me while i burst yeah who's that guy brandon something um let's i mean if we're

talking about white musicians it seems like his name would be brandon yeah yeah brandon boyd i remember that because uh avital had a huge crush on him growing up and he followed her on tiktok whoopty woo really is that okay with you it's fine i mean they're coffee buddies now so what can i do to stop that? He can follow whoever he wants. What do you mean coffee buddies? They started a little club, like a daily coffee tea thing. Daily? They text and Snapchat. That seems so excessive. She got Snapchat for him.

He's vegan. Is it possible that he's like, are they hooking up is what I'm saying? I think he's European because they hooking up is what i'm saying because like i'm just i feel like he's european because they do like smooch a little bit i'm wondering if they're hooking up i'm wondering if he's fucking your girlfriend because when everyone is i wouldn't sing a song i wouldn't sing a song if i were you because he's cuckolding you yeah he's made a cuckold of you blumenfeld avital is getting a daily coffee with them they're exchanging pleasantries on multiple apps snapchat yeah snaps that screams of nudes it reeks real of cyber be real relationship and they actually marco polo each other if you can imagine it's too much it's too much she has a fucking burner because she's afraid that i'll

see all the apps they communicate on god damn it i mean just looking at him he aged really well too so he's sort of like what's his last long gray hair brandon boyd okay brandon charles boyd brandon boyd and yes he has a sleeve you know he has a sleeve you didn't even have to bring up the fact that he has a sleeve right pardon me while i burst into amir's girlfriend. Flame. All right. So you would bring it up in a way that's like, hey, I just realized, whoa, this is an interesting thing right now. What's up with that? I haven't been thinking about it.

I think that's what I would do. I think that's what I would do. Okay. But I don't know how long they've been dating. Also, why does it fully matter, really like does she want him to do something about it is there something you can do about it or is it just like that is the other if if there's not anything he can do about it then it's kind of like yeah i wouldn't bring it up yeah it says like wear loose fitting pants and underwear maintain a healthy body weight reduce alcohol quit smoking oh so there are things to thicken it up yeah you can take supplements i bet

hell maybe if you ate my jizz as a as like a daily vitamin that would work let's take a break let's you should sit in that for a second okay yeah okay because he's not gonna obviously eat your gym let's take a break you said it you said it let's go yeah let's go let's go we'll be we'll be back after these messages. Very nice. For sure. For sure, for sure. It was a crazy game of poker. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back jake do you have any mom i'm coming yeah you and i both do we both do right yeah well mine is to not get the booster yours is to get the booster so we can sort of discuss both sides we're talking about the same thing at least yes we're talking about actually you can get a flu shot and a booster now uh and it's just a good reminder because a lot of people are like you're able to get these things, and they're free, and whether or not it prevents you getting the COVID or the flu depends on a whole litany of factors, but it should help how your body reacts to it if you do get it. So you'll probably get a milder version of COVID if you do. yeah think about how much you wanted the vaccine when they weren't available and try to apply that

to to now because now they're now they're everywhere you can walk in just about any place and get them before you have to wait weeks yeah sign up try to maybe lie oh i'm i think i'm over 50. i think i'm immunocompromised yeah but nothing's changed they still save you they still save you from from dying from covid so that's good yeah so go for that protect yourself for free i mean there's did you have any side effects i had uh i felt a little um icky the next day but ultimately fine uh i did not but i i haven't had any side effects but i also heard that having side effects means that it's you're like building more antibodies or something so you know that makes sense because my side effects have been bad but i haven't gotten covid interesting yeah and i haven't had any side effects the sickest i've been was from the side effects but those go away after like 12 hours

interesting but i'm going to test that theory this weekend in Las Vegas. Cool. Yeah, keep us posted. So I'm just going to go whole hog, full throttle and see if this vaccine is going to do anything. And then if I don't get sick, you'll know that it was true.

My word was bond. You're going to a rave, right? I'm going to a Dave. A Dave. A Dave rave. A danger. A danger. That's awesome.

32 degree, high plains, freezing cold, silent disco. You earned it. You earned it, man. Two years of not doing anything. I'm going to Burning Man. Yeah. But inside. But after Burning Man.

Right. You're going to a re-entry party. I went to those once in San Francisco. Everybody came back and were talking weird and dressed weird. I think my brother was invited and we just like went to a restaurant slash bar where it was a re-entry party. Yeah. The re-entry parties. I don't understand how people were able to do that.

There's like parties leading up to Burning Man. And then after Burning Man, you need to have the re-entry parties. Because you can't just go cold turkey back to the real world. But like, how do you have several weeks to just party nonstop? Yeah, it's like going on a bachelor party and partying for an entire weekend and then coming back on partying on Monday night. It's like, aren't you tired? Right.

They're not tired is the thing. They actually gain energy from the parties. Yeah, exactly. Would you ever go back to Burning Man? night it's like yeah are you tired right they're not attired is the thing they actually they love gain energy from the parties yeah exactly would you ever go back to burning man i would um it'd be a different experience so i think i would but you're ever intrigued enough to like look at the the rates and the the schedule and anything or you would need somebody else i think i would need like a group of people are going and they're like going for the first time and they invite me and i i'm like oh yeah i'll go too i would need a lot of people going and then i would be into it but i don't think i would like i wouldn't try to muster anybody to go back yeah who did you go with um it was me me rosie uh nick rad nick's wife and then

my girlfriend at the time and her friend and her friend's boyfriend i think at the time yeah you gotta get them back together you think at least the whatsapp thread to share some photos crew hey finally back to civilization i know it's been nine plus years but yeah i feel like they're all like married to other people now so it'd be super weird yeah i could see that yeah i could but would you go would you want to go with me i would go with you went of course not yeah of course i wouldn't want to go how dare you what if i get a headache yeah you barely want to go there's no gambling that's the issue yeah there's not even money yeah you gamble with hugs they say there's no money but you can spend money there there's a way yeah uh coffee is the only thing that's for sale in the in the center of the playa

caffeine but they sell it yeah they sell it they take your cash i actually wouldn't mind going there and setting up this like mobile phil's coffee slash pete's slash starbucks situation starbucks we accept apple pay yeah so you bring like a a cold brew on tap and then all of a sudden you're kind of like this coffee god you make like a shit ton of cash yeah well a lot of people do stuff like that they bring food they bring drinks but the idea is that that's the gift giving right so my competitive advantage in that regard your shit is for sale yeah keep your gifts all i want is uh you give me the gift of cash yes and i i feel the gratitude from that and i turn it into i don't know a little smoothie stand when i get back to the real world or some shit it doesn't really matter what i plan on doing

the money i can have like a little shack next to a taco stand that says like amir smoothies or something and i need like fifty thousand dollars for like this isn't very well thought out business i'm just saying like part of a parking lot or some shit and like just blend fruit and sell it for 8.95 for 12 ounces or 10.95 for 16 and we'll call call it like Amir's Special Smoothies or something like that. Why are you so fixated on this? No, I'm just saying I don't fucking need the money. But if I came into some cash, I would probably try to fart out this weird side hustle slash business I've been thinking about for a little bit. That's you selling smoothies at burning man no once i'm back in california to lease or rent out part of a

parking lot next to a taco truck that says amir's smoothies okay i'm able to sort of piggyback off the success of a pretty popular truck or business why is that weird or because you're old because you have much a bigger you have a bigger opportunity for success doing anything else you're a comedian you're a writer you could try to sell a tv show you could try to create another podcast you run a company a show about the smoothies might not be a bad idea is it because it's not a good business idea smoothies it's what if i invented jamba juice but what if i reinvented jamba juice would you say if i if jamba just didn't exist and i came up with this business basically called jamba juice i bet you'd be like that's a stupid idea right yeah probably because it's not it isn't anything because you didn't come up with any business you're saying i'll have a smoothie

company or i'll have a smoothie store and call it jamba juice but you don't like by the way jamba juice was basic as shit my smoothies are insane jamba juice fine what you think you think that your recipes are what's going to differentiate yes exactly so basically what you're getting from my smoothie store is so unique that you can't help but talk to your friends about it or write about it what do you get what's what's on the menu give me a couple smoothies easy sure blue corn moon that's a name that's of a smoothie that's blue spirulina corn bananas cheese curds peanut butter granola sounds cacao nibs it sounds awful Peanut butter. Granola. Cacao nibs, actually. It sounds awful. That's blue corn butter. Okay, so it has basically, it's got a cacao nib.

That's the chocolate taste. It's got peanut butter. It has cheese curds and it has corn. Well, corn, yeah, just for the biscuit flavor, the texture. What's the base? The base is either, and you can basically do this with any base. It doesn't matter. It's either water or hemp milk.

Okay. Okay. And that's the only options? You only have water or hemp milk? You don't have almond milk? You don't have soy? You don't have juice? Some people like apple juice.

Not at first. So you have corn and cheese curds, but no almond milk. That's just one of them. But imagine the Instagram ability of a blue smoothie. Oat milk. Or a purple smoothie. It would taste bad because it has cheese curds and peanut butter. Give me another.

That's blue corn mood. Is there any other smoothie on the menu? Yes. Because you said the smoothie. Okay, go ahead. Everybody loves raisin. Everybody loves raisin. Everybody loves raisin. A pun on everybody loves raven?

No, everybody loves Raymond, actually. But it's not really a pun. It's just parallel thinking. Yeah, that's so raisin would have been the other. It's actually not bad either. Right. What's in that one? What's in that so raisin?

That's grapes uh avocado oil grape seed grapes uh cacao nibs of course of course uh hemp milk chaya seeds or chia seeds depending on which part of la you're from and then soda or pop depending on where in america you're from. And then soda or pop depending on where in America you're from. And then... So you know, that's a different base, by the way. You said you only had milk or you had water or hemp milk, but now you can do pop.

And rice. I was going to say the thicket. Cooked rice? Yes, cooked rice. Blended up real nice. So it's almost like a frothy kind of raisiny, like if you've ever had like... Rice...

Have you ever had like Iranian food or... Excuse me. So it's rice, grapes, soda, and cacao nibs. Avocado oil, cacao nibs, rice, grapes, you said, cacao nibs, you said, and..., cacao nibs you said, and... What's in the blue corn moon again? Just if you're building the menu, I think you should be able to rattle that off. That one's blue spirulina, which is very expensive and makes things kind of cool.

Corn. Yeah. So right off the bat, it's blue corn and cheese curds peanut butter um the base which is either hemp milk or water uh granola and cacao nibs it's a lot of it is cacao nib forward and then yeah there's only one other smoothie and it's the black it should be cacao nib forward by the way those are those are just talking about yeah. Like, I wouldn't make that. The last smoothie is black. There's only three? Yeah.

The last smoothie is black or white. Okay. Like the Michael Jackson song? Oh, yeah, I guess so. So have you seen, like, charcoal ice cream where it's, like, really black? They get, like, charcoal to, like, infuse into the thing, and it looks black, basically. So it's like that black that you get like charcoal to like infuse into the thing and it looks black basically. Yeah. So it's like that or you can get it without that. So it's black

or white and it's that one is rice, corn, cacao nibs, oat milk. That's a new base. That's a different base. That's a different base. What did I say? You said originally your base options

were water or hemp milk. Then you added pop. And now you've added oat milk. Well, oat milk just for the black or white. And then banana, whatever, normal shit. Banana, potatoes, whatever's white. Potatoes.

Parsnips. Everything that's like a whitish be so it's either a white smoothie or or you add the charcoal and that makes it black right and but none of these will taste three bucks don't focus you're you're focused on the pricing yeah i am very concerned about pricing. 9 or 13 ounces. 9 or 13 ounces? They don't make cups in that size, I don't think. I'd have to get a 10 and a 14.

And downshift, basically leave an ounce off. So it looks a little empty at the top. Yeah. How much are you charging? Because you said 3... I said $7.99 for a small and 13.99 for a large i don't remember that okay that's actually that's pretty competitive yeah that's really that's not very expensive for exactly for a smoothie and i'm wondering then just like what are you where are you getting where are you sourcing your corn where are you getting your rice the cacao nibs what's your price per pound on the nibs if this is like an actual pitch where like you're thinking of investing i'll let you know otherwise

it's not worth it for me to like my energy and effort on telling you this shit. I didn't realize you were seeking investment. You didn't say any of that. So what does my money get me? For $50,000, you get the kit and caboodle. What percentage? Whole hog. I own the whole company.

I work for you. I'm your whatever. I won't even do smoothies if that's i just need the cash and i need a job you're asking this is the job interview i really just need 50 grand to start my honestly my dream side hustle why did you spend so much time thinking about this one that was to get me to the, from A to B. To get my foot in the door. Okay.

What's your dream side hustle? The corndog truck idea that I had. But don't say this idea that I, like. The different batters with the different wieners. You know the fucking idea. I fucking told you this shit before offline. I feel weird saying it, right right that does sound familiar yeah because it's like yeah you can have different batters and different rainers but i don't want to like get in too much into it because i feel like someone

can jack that this is that's an actual idea that you had right yeah yeah so it could be blue corn with chicken apple sausage or something. Most of your smoothies, the ingredients sounded like they were batter for a half time. Yeah. One thing sort of feeds into the next kind of like a funnel system. You basically just added spirulina and cacao nibs to what I think is like a batter recipe. Yeah. Cornmeal. Yes, exactly. To what I think is like a batter recipe. Cornmeal. Yeah. Yes, exactly.

So like if people are already hooked on the smoothies, which hopefully they are, one thing will lead to another. And then it's like, oh, I just try to start. Don't make this weird bet on smoothies because you think that's a more viable business. Just pitch the business that you are passionate about that you actually sausages and batter. Yeah. Yeah. Have you been to worst cooch downtown of course of course they have like really cool sausages right but they don't have much batter right and have you been to like a like a batter restaurant or something like that that they have good batter but they don't really have the sausages i don't get your

pitch different because i've been to a good sausage place i've never been to a batter place like the angle shouldn't be that these two things exist separately and they should be together yeah yeah because it's kind of more innovative than that basically right it's like the pitch is like what's your favorite part about going to the town fair it's the corn dogs. And I wish I could get them year round, but I can't eat out of a stand at a carnival every single day. Yeah. You have to make it gourmet. And how do you do that? How do you do that?

You hire Mae. Who's Mae? That's like a slant rhyme on me because they have to get gourmet. Or you could say it has to be gourmet, and to get that, you'd hire me interesting okay what do we have to wear the weird ass shit that they make you to put on at hot dog on a stick um a uniform yeah like the hat there they were the weird hat and shit they have like a weird hat like a fucking apron and weird bibs and stuff like that like i'm all for safety like i don't want to get

burned in the truck yeah but i don't have to wear weird shit like a boat now or something like that the only thing you would have to so you wear a chin strap because that's that's how you dip the dog you you have the dog dangling off the chin almost like a Family Feud style physical challenge yeah because you so you can serve everybody with a smile people watching a video can see what i'm doing but right we should say you can watch this on youtube but basically jake is smiling and pantomiming dipping his his face sausage which is attached to a chin into the batter which is searing hot yeah but i guess it stops at the stick so you wouldn't have to necessarily get too close to your chin right yeah ideally you're not putting your chin into the batter i'm sure it happens from time to

time but small price for service of the smile yes exactly right that's why it's called smile dogs or something like that smile dogs is actually really good chin dogs or something chin dogs is also pretty fun even blue corn dogs or something right Chin dogs is also pretty fun. Even blue corn dogs or something. Right. Blue corn smile could work. I really just need 50 grand. Can I have a check for 50 grand? Have I been here long enough?

I really just need that check. Actually, if you guys are listening at home, you can PayPal me if you want to own the smoothie business. Nice. And then we can talk if you're more interested. What's your PayPal? I think it's just my phone number. Yeah, which is, can you just give everyone your phone number? It should be online somewhere.

If you go to the better business bureau right wanted list whitepages.com you can reverse name search yeah my real name of course right andy blumenthal right before it was changed for show business yeah might as might as well. Josh Guravich. At Ellis Island slash William Morris. Behest. All right, let's take one more break. Thank one more sponsor. Come back and answer another question for Christ's sakes.

This isn't just about our cockamamie schemes. Woo-hoo! BRB. Yep. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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We'll call this guy Ned Flanders. Good shit. Heidi Ho Neighborino. Writes, I, 27 male, have had a problem, but it doesn't have anything to do with sex or relationships. Everything is going fine for me in that department. I'm happily married with kids, so my wife and I just bought a new house in June, and it seems like every single one of my neighbors on the street automatically hated us the second we moved in. Basically, what happened was the first month we lived here

our house got a small amount of groundwater in the basement but the house was designed for that so it has some pump built in the sump pump yeah a sump pump the issue my neighbors had was that the sump pump pumps water back into the back alley, and they did not like having a wet back alley for some reason. Four people called the town on me, and my neighbor directly to my left never spoke to me after I said hi right to his face. He also drives on my lawn to park his car in front of my house, but I obviously can't say anything to him because he already hates me.

It sucks that they're all so angry with me, but my only other option would anything to him because he already hates me. It sucks that they're all so angry with me, but my only other option would be to flood my basement. It's November now and the water is long gone, but they seem pissed. What's a guy to do? Thanks. Hmm. Wow.

I mean, neighbors are tough because you don't know what you're getting in a neighbor. It could be anybody. Think about anybody in your city you can just live right next to what are the odds of it being a normal person totally there's people that are kind of wacky like down our block but they could easily just live right next door to me right i like i like my neighbors on both sides they're both that's good they're they're all different and like they're very they're fun in their own ways you know all characters i have some neighbors that are very friendly i'm i'm more of like a keep your head down smile and nod i'm not like a hey how's it going yeah blah blah blah blah oh my god that's so cool like yeah i think a lot of them are

starting to get together and like have like little community groups so maybe i am the asshole neighbor to them you just might just be quiet i'm i think i'm in between you and the like i i will chat with my neighbors and we always say we're gonna have a back we're gonna get together and then nobody ever makes that move which i think is the appropriate amount that feels fine to me yeah you don't want to actually hang out with these neighbors do you they're pleasant they're great to run into i don't like i wonder and i guess you know it'd be fun to hang out with some neighbors every once in a while because you just talk shit about other neighbors which could be fun yeah and it's i will say that it is helpful like sometimes when like something is going wrong with the specific part of your street to like yeah

be able to like discuss oh do you see this tree that fell oh wow there's a fucking coyote infestation here oh what do you think about this neighbor something like that so it is nice to have access to talk to the neighbors yeah it's not nice to be blacklisted to be shunned no and yeah i wonder it's kind of of weird because it feels like you have reason to be mean to at least the neighbor that drives on your lawn. Yes. I don't think these two things should be, one doesn't preclude the other. Maybe they're mad that your water went out into the alley, but you can separate from that, just be like, you can't drive on my grass. That's not allowed.

That's obviously worse than the water that evaporates right daryl come on cliff back me up here i think if it were me i would actually see if there was another solution for where the sump pump water could go like is it a hundred percent has to go to the alley? Like, because if you're not going to drink it and piss it out into a toilet, that's completely untenable. There's no way. Yeah, because it's several inches of water in a full basement. So you can't drink all of that. It's probably toxic in some regards. Yeah.

At most you can have a glass and hope for the best, but that's not helping anything. It's not solving the problem of the flood. Yeah. And why would you do that? Just to prove that you're willing to be a team player but i wouldn't recommend that either don't then don't float it then don't float it like that you're saying it casually like it's an option that would not i think it's not an option it's not i think it's not even an option yeah why bring it up, you keep talking about fucking drinking toilet water as it means that like, I don't know, finding some middle ground with these monsters. Yeah.

And you think it could work? I don't. Not at all. Okay. It's absurd. Yeah, I agree. I agree. It's almost as dumb as like, just like, think of random dumb idea X.

Like, don't do that. Let's not think of random dumb idea X X because we're trying to come up with actual constructive good ideas. True. True. True. True that. True that. Why don't you stop talking? Why don't you stop talking? Wow.

And the truth comes barreling out. How do you like that? This is an equal conversation because one guy has an idea and the other guy says i wouldn't drink the water yeah yeah you're not smart enough 12 right and finally jake's got it he's had enough everybody oh no you what do i do without you you can't go toe-to-toe with a real person that has real ideas because you're sort of just playing this character of like, I think this is obviously dumb. It's so stupid.

Right. It is stupid. It is stupid. But you can't come up with a good idea. All you can do is come up with your actual ideas and then say they're stupid because they are. Right. But it's like you need to call them out. And that's the only way.

In order to like sort of defend myself against this invisible army or some shit. All things bizarre. It's a straw man. Yes. It's a bad faith argument. Yeah. It's it's a logical fallacy. There's no way you can put a sponge the size of a fucking Volkswagen inwagen in your basement and have it soak in the water that's not anything right i think i would see if there was another

place the water could go and then you could go to your neighbors with a clear conscience and be like i tried to see if uh there was any place the like the sump pump water could go it seems It seems like it's always going to go in the alley, so I'm sorry. And I think coming to them hat in hand, just being like, the options are water goes in the alley or it floods my basement. What would you have me do? Flood the basement, I think. That's what they'll say. It's possible.

I think it's probably not because people tend to be more judgmental of things that they don't actually understand so to them they're like oh this asshole chose to fucking spray his water all into the the alley yeah you're saying the pipes are designed this way it's the only place you can go and the other the other option is that my house floats they would probably be like okay well at least you talked to us at least you told us. So that's what you have to do. Ugh, fine. That's what I'll do. I'll talk to my neighbors about where my water should go.

Barring that, you can drink all of it and piss it into the potty or get a big sponge and soak it up and actually rain that out into your mouth and then swallow that and then piss that into the potty. Sort of like a positive feedback loop of sorts. Exactly. Circle of lifestyle. Actually, wring that out into your mouth and then swallow that and then piss that into the potty. Sort of like a positive feedback loop of sorts. Yeah. Circle of lifestyle.

Precisely. All right. Let us know how it goes. Keep us posted. And if you guys have your own questions, please don't hesitate. We need more Qs to A at ifireashow at gmail.com. We're running low. That's right. Running low.

Running low, folks. So let us know about your problems. Running low. Let us know. And you can watch more of us on our Patreon. Patreon. Run it low. Run it low, folks. Let us know about your problems. Run it low. Let us know. And you can watch more of us on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. Yeah, we're watching Jake and Amir episodes, commenting on them. It's been fun. Yep.

Highly recommend. Oh, yeah. And you can also send theme songs, much like, who was it that sent the, I don't know if we ever said who sent the general cleanliness. I don't think we did. And that's a general cleanliness. I don't think we did. And that's a great theme song. We did them a disservice. A dishonor.

Okay. Promotion is in order. He co-hosts the Hardy and Sons podcast that goes chapter by chapter through the Hardy Boys series. Oh, nice. I think I've heard of that show. This is funny. You can find it at hardyandsons.dentist. It's perfect. So check out the podcast.

I didn't know that was a domain extension. hardyandsons.dentist. These guys look funny. My full name, all lowercase, no spaces, dot com. That's his URL is is http colon backslash backslash my full name all lowercase no spaces dot com oh my god it's got we got a jokester on our hands folks i love it he's creative um all right that was uh sean hotley so thank you to sean sorry we got to your uh promotion at the end but at least we got to it and thanks to you guys for listening thank you and of course we'll be back next monday indeed ciao for now bye There was a decorated co-host with a mic of gold

That spoke weekly to a chipmunk who's old And logged episodes of advice that they have told A Casanova in his own time But on the eve of your promotion or your second date The old co-host was locked into discussion So heated in debate with a frail uncle who struggled to find the word he muttered to earn the turdy. So email. If I were you, the podcast, these two Jews will outlast your sophomore year relationship. You said I love you too fast

So they've put you on blast Right before this Squarespace ad That was a Hiddem original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

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