Segments - 568: Body Hair

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

In this episode we discuss mouth breathing, polyamory, and laser hair removal. Shout out to Patrick. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Thank you. Am I bothering you? Do you have a problem with me?

We're back in the lab slash studio. IRL. In person, baby. Last week, Zoom, me sick, you healthy. This week, we're finally together. You flew to LA. Now you're incredibly ill. I'm not. And I'm healthy.

It's so funny how the pendulum swings like that. I feel great and you still sound sick. I am sick. Yeah. That's because I am. Oh, you're okay. You're also angry.

I'm pissed. Yeah. Because I didn't expect to be here. I slept in the studio last night. You guys kind of ambushed me. Trying to get over this illness. Yeah. I said, you know what?

Let me switch it up. Let me sleep in a like sort of soundproof. You're sort of. Meets. Hyperbar You're sort of trying to quarantine in different places. Yeah. Which is actually spreading shoes. Yeah. Right. Super spreading it away.

But that theme song, I should say, was written by Henry Giles. Henry Giles. HG. Head gum. Very cool. I'm not much of a lyricist, but I hope you like this anyway. If you decide to use my song, please plug my Instagram. Nice.

What's his Instagram? Is it at Jake Hurwitz? No. It's at HenryGiles23. Yeah. Also, please give a shout out to my friend Patrick. What's up, man? What's up, buddy? It should be a shout out though

hey hey what Patrick yeah it really should be a shout out to his friend shout out to Patrick okay and since we're in the studio we're getting this on

really nice cameras you guys can watch this on our YouTube and Patrick's probably watching too, so let's get it. Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. You're interrupting me, so I can get it. I should just get it clean. And you can even do like a piece, like a backwards piece. Deuces or like.

I like that. Shout out to Patrick. Why don't we just use that? Because that was just me giving you a line read. Shout out to Patrick. That feels like you just use that? Because that was just me giving you a line read. Shout out to Patrick. That feels like you're... Yeah. Richard Nixon.

Yeah, you're doing your thing. I'll do my own thing. Shout out to Patrick. Salute. Oh, that's good. Yeah. You can almost do like a... Like do three.

Do middle finger, index finger, and thumb. And then do like the sort of casual salute. That's not casual at all. That's like, shout out to Patrick. That feels so forced to me. Really? Shout out to Patrick.

I don't know. What about like, just like barely a salute? Finger guns? Fingers? No, I mean, yeah,

I don't know. Peace actually did feel pretty right. Really? Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. This way, left hand, backwards. Backwards left hand. I don't know. Also way or that way? This way, left hand, backwards. Backwards

left hand. I don't know. Also, I think the salute, but like maybe a one finger. You're futzing with the mic. I think it's like getting your head space or something. Yeah, I mean, I'm nervous. I feel like I got a couple good takes and we can clip one out. Watch this. I'm not even like addressing the mic. Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. I didn't like that.

That was almost like a tip of the cap. Yeah, tip of the hat. It was too formal. Shout out or something like that. I like this. That was kind of a more solid tip of the hat. Shout out to Patrick. That's nice. What about like the thinker?

Shout out to Patrick. Sort of contemplating. How about a point? Shout out to Patrick. That's like TRL style. Like coming up next. Let's get that. Let's get that clean. That's like TRL style. Yeah. Like coming up next. Yeah. Let's get that.

Let's get that clean. Because I think I was talking over you. It was clean. But do it in a casual way, not like in a way that feels weird. I feel like you leading me into it makes it less casual. Yeah. So I'll just throw it away. Just throw it away.

No big deal. Shout out to Patrick. I didn't stick the landing. Yeah, you're not hitting the cane, Patrick. Shout out to Patrick. Which didn't stick the landing yeah you're not hitting the k and patrick shout out to patrick which is weird because yeah you're that was actually the take and you were speaking out for me shout out to patrick shout out patrick just do patrick just so i can hear it because i feel like i'll get to the end you're not my acting teacher okay i could patrick yeah it almost sounds like you're saying Patrice. Patrick.

Now I feel like... You know it's like one of those words that's like lost all meaning. Patrick. Yeah. Patrick. It's so weird. Patrick. Patrick. Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. You're looking at me almost before it ends. Like, we

have to get it super clean. And in a wide. There's the wide camera right there. I'll do it ends. Like we have to get it super clean and in a wide. There's the wide camera right there. I'll do it twice. Then we really have to move on. Shout out to Patrick. Just to the wide so it matches. Quavo round?

Yeah. It would match if you just did it once because we're rolling on both. Shout out to Patrick. That would not match. Yeah. Because now you're looking at a different angle. All right. Cool.

So then we have the wide. I'm so sorry. This is the original. Yeah. It just is Pat, I should say. Shout out to Pat. Shout out to Pat. I think we got it.

A couple ways. A couple options. I really think we got it. Should we go to commercial break? No. I think we're still pretty early days. As it were. Actually, I was thinking, well, this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the

internet hosted by us. Shout out to Patrick. Shout out to Patrick. In about six months will be our 10-year anniversary of the show. Wow. May 2023. Wow. What should we do? I feel like we should kill the show, right. May 2023. Wow. What should we do?

I feel like we should kill the show, right? Oh, that's fun. So not really a celebration, more of a funeral. Yeah, an end of days slash times. Because we did like the Jake and Amir thing for about 10 years. Then there was the podcast for about 10 years. Now we have to think about what's after that. Yeah.

And we're running out of clock because we kind of like, you know, we started the podcast while we were still doing Jake and Amir. Yeah. So it was an easy transition. Really, what would have been perfect is if I was on the D&D podcast. Right. Because that would be like the blend into that. Yeah. This one fades out.

We go all in on that. In 10 years. Yes, exactly. Yeah. You could maybe, maybe replace Caldwell. I see. If you like...

Is he like a super important part of the... Definitely, definitely. But I think if something were to happen to him... Does he bring anything to the table beyond D&D? Like, does he... Yeah, I mean, he's incredible. He does art. Yeah, he's a great artist.

I couldn't do art. I don't think I could do art, but I wonder if there's something else I could have that could almost make me feel part of that. I grew as important as Caldwell. I wonder that, too. I wonder that, too. Because nothing comes to mind.

Does Emily do music? Yeah, Emily does all the music. I was going to say, if there's a hole there, I wonder if I could fill that music slash art. I don't know how to do music. Yeah. I could do almost like what you do there. Yeah. Almost like a replace.

Yeah, the taxes. Really? Yeah, the 1099s. I wouldn't want to do that. That sounds kind of lame. Oh. I wonder if there's even a fifth thing. Because Murph's like the leader.

Yeah, he writes the show. He also spends, you know, his full-time job editing the show. So I'm not down for that. Right. I wonder what you are down for. Because it seems like you're just kind of like rejecting everyone else's job. I almost want to be the coach in a bizarre way. That is a bizarre thing, because it sounds like you're pretty...

So I'll stand on the sidelines, arms folded, and give you guys notes after the day. And that's what I don't want, because you already have a bad attitude. You just heard everyone's second job on the show and rejected it. Yeah. As if it was nothing. Yeah, it was sort of an easy thing to do, but job on the show and rejected it. Yeah. As if it was nothing. Yeah. It was sort of an easy thing to do, but I don't want to do it. Okay.

So if we do end our show and go into the next thing. What is it? Yes. What is it? And that's, I guess, what we can spend the next six months sort of contemplating. Yeah. Let us know if you have any ideas. We did video and then we did audio, basically.

What's the next thing after? Almost like a tactile thing, maybe? We could make scarves. Oh, interesting. Like completely a pivot to the right entirely. You and I could just knit. We didn't have that idea about making shirts. Making shirts.

Yeah. Remember, we sort of tasked Rosie with the idea of what would our flannel shirts be. Yeah. Purely designed, not even funny. Right. Remember, we sort of tasked Rosie with the idea of what would our flannel shirts be. Purely designed, not even funny. Right. We were going to just have two different flannel shirts called the Jake and the Amir and sell them on a website. That's right. Whatever happened with that?

I think we ended up selling up 10,000 shirts. That turned into Buck Mason. They pivoted to Frank and Oak from Jake and Amir. I did want to call it noun and noun. As the like sort of like making fun of all those new restaurants. Yeah. Okay. Something to think about while we slowly transition away from making a podcast.

But until then. Yeah. What we have here are questions from people who are still on Sticky Situations. Yes. The show is still alive for now. The show must go on for now. Yeah. Yes.

The show must go until May. It's gonna be dead. Yeah. Nice. I say fuck it and let's just start calling people what they actually are. Like we don't have to like save their anonymity anymore. I feel like if we're going to do that, we should start it next episode. Because we've always like we've done fake names up until this point.

And these people wrote in under the impression that we would use a fake name. But if you want, any new question that comes in after this announcement can just be their actual name. Yeah. I was going to say I'm down to burn some bridges on my way out. Yeah. I wouldn't do that. Right. Because that's like, yeah, they could sue you. Okay. So let's call this guy Ryan L. Got it. It's Ryan, isn't it? No, it's not. It's not actually. Okay. Are you happy? Ryan L. writes, about a year ago, I started boarding dogs at my house because I work from home and I have a good setup for it and I love having dogs around.

Have you ever heard of such a thing? I work from home. So bring your dog here during the day. Well, kind of. There's that app Rover. Yeah. And like there's kind of like different doggy daycare, you know, pet sitting, pet sitting at your house, pet sitting at the other person's house. Like alternating.

I have vaguely heard of it. Recently, a woman reached out through one of the apps I use to ask if I could watch her dog during the workday. When she came over to drop the dog off, the owner seemed very cute and nice. And her dog is amazing, which makes me like her even more. You're dead. It now seems that we may get into a longer-term arrangement where I watch her dog during the workday

a couple days a week when she goes to the office. She's been super nice every time I talk to her, bordering on flirtatious, and I'd be interested in asking her out. But is there a graceful way to do it without jeopardizing the dog care arrangement? When I have the dog, I send updates throughout the day. Are there any funny or mildly flirtatious pictures

or comments I could send to her about the dog that may help gauge her interest? Ooh. This is a very... It's a high wire act. Because you don't want to jeopardize the business. Well, I think I, yeah, that, and I feel like it's very easy. This is right now, it could be a meat cute, but it also could be a meat creep. Interesting.

And there, there are two different ways it can go. I feel like, you know, you having the humility and the self-awareness to know that it's a delicate ask. That's a good start. A good start. I feel like... What about a treat cue? So you give the dog a little extra treat. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. Oh, you could scratch off the dog's phone number on the collar. And she already has yours. But you could carve a little note into the dog's collar. I scratched off your number. What? On the collar? Oh, here's a good one, too.

You could put a little pill, write a note in a little pill, feed it to the dog, then tell the owner the dog got into some tinfoil situation. I don't know what was in it. When it shits, go through it and make sure that it passed. And then she'll find the little note in the shit. The pill? Yeah. That's another one. I would, I think I would really just like, first of all, if you have your own dog, maybe be like, I took your dog to X today or something, you know, like this park.

That's cool. And then later on another date say, oh yeah, I go there sometimes with my dog. Let me know if you want to bring them both there. So that way, it's like, you're asking for a doggy date, but it leaves an opening that if she wants like a romantic thing, she can be like, yes, I'm in. But if she says no, then it feels more like declining a doggy date than an actual date. So the business can go on. Right. It's kind of weird if he doesn't have a dog, right? Or does that make more sense? Like, I don't have a dog, so I want dogs around. Or does it make more sense?

It's like, I have a dog and, you know, it's fun to have dogs. I think it would make more sense if he had a dog because then you have, like, all of the dog accoutrement that you would need. Maybe you can bond your pets together. Yeah. I don't know how to say this. I'm not looking to doing that for my dog. Really? Yeah, that seems nice.

You mean taking other dogs in or you mean giving them away? No, no, bringing them to other people's houses. With dogs. Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like when I have to go into work, I don't like leaving him alone in the house. He's a puppy. He wants to play with stuff. Right.

How long is he maximum home alone for? Never more than like two hours. That's abuse. I thought you were going to say five minutes. No, it's not. Two hours alone? You can't leave them alone for more than three hours. And I never even go near three. I can't believe you said 120 minutes. How long is Luke alone for right now?

A day. But he's an adult. But I give him enough food. He's a fully grown fucking man. Like I saw him at Intelligentsia. I left him this morning. Yeah. And he was having a date with a fucking lizard.

What? It was like a bizarre ass. That's so mature. Yeah. He was sipping tea. He's having a glow up. Ohass... That's so mature. Yeah. He was sipping tea. He's having a glow-up. Oh, shit.

Here's a mirror. In his golden years. Hey, dude. Sorry. That's my fucking owner. That dude fucking feeds me. It's so embarrassing. Yeah. Hi.

I know. I'm allowed to leave the house. Anyway. How old is Luke? 11. So in doggy years he's 77. But the cool part is he's not gonna die.

That's awesome. Or at least I won't see it. What do you mean you won't see it? Like as soon as he starts to decline. Yeah. Whatever. Congenital heart failure, however you want to spin it. Yeah. I'm going to fucking jump off a bridge. Oh, my God.

So he has to go to my funeral and not the other way around. Yeah. That way I don't have to deal with that devastation. Yeah. I can't even imagine. My dog's only six months, and he's my best friend. And imagine what's going to happen after 10 years of the dog. Yeah, I can't even think about it.

I'm getting misty-eyed thinking. Oh, my God, no. His heart's too pure. All dogs truly do go to heaven, except for a few choice dogs. Hitler's dog will go to hell. My first dog growing up, Chico, used to bite people. No, I love Chico. Yeah, he used to sort of be a nasty little boy.

Yeah, he was nice to me. He liked me. Respected and feared you for sure. So, I mean, there's plenty of ways to turn this dog situation into a cute. Because like the best way to a person's heart is to compliment the dog. Yeah. You ingratiate the dog. Oh, I love your dog.

Yeah, I know he's the best dog. Dog, dog, dog. Yeah. And then you're already communicating through the app. Right. That's true. I think I would just inch it along ever so slightly and take as many cues as possible. Don't take a big swing with this.

Yeah. Okay. Let's take a break. Answer some more questions on the other side of as possible. Yeah. Don't take a big swing with this. Yeah. Okay, let's take a break, answer some more questions on the other side of these messages. Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive,

drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's kind of like having a new personality. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz, with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Answer this. Yes. Yes, I do.

I recently purchased new underwear. Okay. When's the last time you did that? We get so many podcast sponsor undies that I feel like I'm good to go every year or two. Yeah. But I think it's been about that long since we got – since we had the last sponsor or something. I also like a very specific type of underwear. Which is what?

Which is the pair of thieves long. Interesting. They have like the long, the regular brief the short one and then like the loose i wonder if i'm wearing that right now i got longer legs so i like it to go down a little bit longer so yeah and they're all they're like a jersey material now yeah yeah yeah i think those were the last ones i got too um and i've had them for a long time and they're very high quality so they stand up they stand the test of time. And I thought they felt good.

But then I bought a brand new pair and it feels incredible. I guess we use underwear and wash it so often that you don't really realize that they've been worn and thinned out. Yeah. And then you wear them for years and you're wearing something over them all the time. So you don't really ever see it. You feel it feels pretty good and that's fine. But then you get brand new underwear and it feels amazing. Interesting.

So if your underwear feels good, that's fine. Yeah. But it should feel amazing. Right. Yeah. So yours is for underwear in general, not that specific brand. Yeah. That's my brand. But whatever your brand is.

Yeah. Just go re-up your underwear. Yeah. Re-up. Get a new pair. Get a freshie. It's kind of like, I think we talked about this before, but you don't realize how bad your toothbrush is until you get a new toothbrush. Yes, exactly. It's a slow, gradual decline. Then

you get used to it and then you get a new one. You're like, oh, okay, this is what a new toothbrush should be like. Shoes, socks, pillows. Really just get a new everything. Everything. All of your shit is old right now. Yeah. As you're listening, your shit is too old. Yeah. So let's upgrade. Let's get new new. What are you driving?

A 2022 Honda Accord. That's actually pretty new, but it could be a 2023. They came out with a 2023. Shit. It's the same body I was told. Okay. Here we go. the 2023. Shit. It's the same body I was told. Okay. Yeah. Here we go.

Next question. Cool. Egregious body hair. Oh. We'll call this guy. I don't know. Who's the hairiest person you know? Jeff.

Jeff writes, my situation is this. I'm single mid-30s man with a large amount of body hair like a lot. Two to three inches of thick hair all over my chest, shoulders, arms, and back. When I dry it, it sticks out like a fuzzy chia pet. Whoa. Other than that, I'm an average looking guy, an average shape, and an average height. Nice. When I go swimming with friends, it's the first thing they all joke about.

Hey, Chewbacca, where's Han Solo? I recently went to Las Vegas with friends and several pool parties and hundreds of people later. I noticed that most of the body hair on everyone, I had more body hair than anyone there by a wide margin. So my question is this. Would it be easier to find a potential GF if I waxed or lasered or shaved my body? My concern is that it would be very expensive and time consuming. But I also want to look good and not get made fun of. Or should I lean into the joke harder?

You know, bang my chest like a gorilla or Tarzan yell or something. What would you do if you were me? I think it's all about confidence. So if you can get into your body hair, if you can accept it, embrace it, and feel confident and pound your chest like a gorilla, that's great. And you'll find I think your confidence will attract a mate. But also, if you would rather laser it off and that'll make you feel confident, then you could do that too. It's your own choice. Laser that much hair feels kind of painful. We did a laser thing.

I was going to say, we did it for a true TV pilot. Yeah. Where we were learning how lasers worked. Yes. That was ultimately passed on. Yes. It was passed upon. Yes.

And passed on. But on that unaired pilot for literally no one, I had my nipples waxed or no, nipples lasered. I had all of the hair around my nipple lasered off. Right. And did it hurt? No. It didn't? I mean, it like, I definitely, I remember like hamming it up more than it hurt for the camera. It felt like tiny little, little pricks. Maybe like the feeling of someone snapping a rubber band on your skin, but like in a very, very light, playful way. If you've gotten a tattoo, it's like, I don't know, a 10th of that or something. Got it. But imagine that everywhere. Like with hair,

there's so much of it that I feel like the easiest thing to do would be to wax. No, but then you have to do it forever. I think if I were super hairy and I didn't like it, I still think I might be into the hair. It's like you look healthy and virile. I think that's cool. It's almost like, not masculine, but like animal. Yeah. Like I feel like, you know, who's that guy? Oh, Tom Selleck with the mustache and the chest hair.

That's like a manly thing. I think you could embrace that. But I could imagine like I wouldn't want hair on the back of the chest hair. That's like a manly thing. I think you could embrace that. But I could imagine like, I wouldn't want hair on the back of my shoulder blades. Right. Like creeping up through the back of your neck. Yeah. Becoming your regular hair.

Right. So I would, because the laser hair removal lasts a longer time. Does it last forever? I don't know if it actually lasts forever. Yeah, years, I think. You have to like keep doing it at first and then's sort of, so I would maybe strategically choose some spots to get the hair to basically sculpt the hair. So it looks less unruly. Have you ever done that?

Like nair or razor or anything like that with body hair? When I was in seventh grade, I wanted my armpit hair to grow faster. And I read or heard that you shave, it would grow back harder, like, you know, thicker. So I remember using my mom's razor to shave my armpits. Dry or did you use like- I was in the shower. Yeah. Shower, borrow soap, shave the pits off. Didn't happen. Didn't happen for me. It still hasn't grown back. Oh my God, scabs. A lot of scabs. Yeah. Yeah. The skin didn't come back either. And then yeah, like trimming the pubic

region is something I still do. Right, but that's just electric razor, not like intense spa style. Yeah, I've never like waxed or like really tried to do anything like that. And I know you haven't. Yeah, I don't have enough hair to justify it.

And if I did, I don't know if I would do that. Although the idea of like having wax and then tearing it off is kind of cathartic. Oh, interesting. I've seen like, I think my Instagram discover page for some reason thought that I was really into like men waxing their nose hair. And it's like, they're at a salon,

somebody pours this like goopy ass stuffing their nose hair. Oh, interesting. And it's like they're at a salon. Somebody pours this like goopy-ass stuff down their nose and then yanks it. And I guess Instagram thought I was into it because maybe I am. I might be. It was fun to watch. So they know you more than you do. Well, they know humanity, I think.

Yeah, I happen to watch a few videos and now it keeps serving me more. But now I think maybe I would wax my nostril. Really? Yeah. It'd be nice. I think it would, you know, it creates less boogers up there. Yeah.

And I pick my nose too much. So maybe if I had that like ultra smooth nose. I'm curious as to how my, not just nose hair, but like my entire nasal passage. I feel like mine is thinner than average. Yeah. Like for me to close my mouth and just breathe through my nose, I don't think I could get enough oxygen. Doesn't it feel very narrow?

You just fainted for a second. But with your nose, does it feel like two thick tubes and you're getting enough oxygen? Yeah, I feel like I breathe out of both orifices. Yeah. What about at night? Are you sleeping with your mouth closed? you're getting enough oxygen? Yeah, I feel like I, I mean, I breathe out of both orifices. Yeah. What about at night? Are you sleeping with your mouth closed?

No, I sleep with my mouth open for sure. Yeah. That's considered not good. Yeah, I think I'm a mouth breather. But I don't feel like if I needed to breathe through my nose, I think I could do it. You think if you taped your mouth shut, which some people recommend. Taping your mouth shut? Yeah, Avital was like to, she read in a article or book or something

where it's like, if you want to incentivize nose breathing, which is considered like healthier, then you sleep with your mouth shut and it like opens the passageways. Like if I did that, I might die. What if I like can't breathe enough to, or I don't get enough oxygen?

Yeah, that would be scary. But I think my body would reject the tape. Like at a certain point, I'd be like, give it a shot. Take a nap instead of a full on sleep and see what happens. I'm afraid I won't make it to the other side. I'll stay up with you. All right, here we go. I pass out too.

Oh, sorry. I knocked out. Oh my God. No. We're both found dead. What happened? Amir took a nap and died. And I was responsible.

And then I died in shame. Died of shame. It's like the old married couple that stayed alive for each other. And then one of them passed away. Yeah. Only you would do that at age 30. I wonder if you and I will die within a certain amount of each other. Interesting.

You think you're going to die first or me? I would assume I would die after you. Why? Because you sort of often throw caution to the wind. I know that's true. Yeah. So you fly more than me, which is kind of dangerous. You drive more than me.

Right. And correct me if I'm wrong, but you have a strong lineage of heart disease in your family. I don't have a relative that made it past 50. Including cousins. Yeah, no, I think I'll outlive you. That's awesome yeah i i mean i joked about it earlier but i wouldn't mind dying on the early-ish side just so i didn't have to deal with the grief and like going through like the funerals and seeing everybody around me die right yeah that's true like if i make it to 70-ish that's that's fine right i don't know that That's low. It's low. It's pretty low. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But also it's not

like a tragedy. He was 70. I feel like fine. I think people would hear that and be like, man, he was still pretty young. Yeah. Wasn't that old. Yeah. Wasn't that old. That's right. Wasn't that old. Yeah. Almost hit international average. Although I hear that if you hit 70, the odds of you like hitting 85 are really high. Oh, interesting. Like the only reason that like the average is like in the 70s is because some people die of diseases in like the 50s and 60s. Oh, that's cool. Or like if you survive to like the 70s.

Then you're good to go. Yeah. You're just sailing past right that. That's nice. And then there's also like four main ways people die. What are they? It was like cancer, heart disease, obesity or something like that. And I forget the fourth one, but it was like...

Shame? Yeah. It was keeping your mouth shut while you're taking a nap. Taping your mouth before you go to bed. Where you can somewhat control the risk of the first three or something like that. Wow. All right.

All right. Enough about talking death. Yeah. Let's talk about how I think you'll die. Enough about death about me. Let's talk about your inventing death and how and why that will happen. Yeah. All right. Let's take another break.

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Shout out to Patrick. Thank you. Was I dating a sociopath? Was I? Let's find out. Hey guys, I'm going to get straight to the point. My boyfriend of over a year sent me a text a couple nights ago saying that he was sleeping with other girls and proceeded to break up

with me. Over text. He also managed to change his Facebook status to single within 15 minutes of texting me. He wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts after sending that text and I haven't heard from him since. This would be one thing if we were teens or just starting college,

but we were in our early to mid-20s. Obviously, I was devastated, and I still am, but now I am the mostly fucking pissed, and my eardrums can only handle so much more rage against the machines before they burst and go deaf. I just can't sit here knowing that he got out of this relationship so easily and guilt-free. I need to do something to feel better and release this anger. Any suggestions?

Oh, here's one. I made him listen to your podcast one time because I love you guys, and he said it was stupid. So that was a red flag. I was going to take his side up until this point. Thank you. P.S. This was not a long time coming. I had no indication it was going to happen. The night before he sent that text, we were talking on the phone discussing our upcoming Thanksgiving trip and how excited we were. And then it ended with a phone call with him saying,

I love you and good night. Wild. So he sort of admitted to all this stuff via text and broke up with somebody. Yeah, I mean, it sounds a little sociopathy for sure. Yeah, I don't really know the psychological definition of sociopathy, but he seems like this guy has got overwhelmed in a scared way

and then just like, I'm just going to fucking do this over text and get out of this. I think it's more likely that you're dating a coward or were dating a coward. Because a sociopath can kind of like do all this stuff without feeling anything. Tells you he loves you but doesn't actually mean it, then breaks up with you and never thinks about you again. Oh, I see. And doesn't care what your feelings were.

So this guy cares so much that he did it over text because he was afraid to see your heart break. No, I don't think he cares about your feelings. I think he cares deeply about his own feelings. And he was scared because he thought it was going to be an unpleasant conversation. Yeah. So rather than have it because he's a coward, he said, I'll just text her. Yeah. So maybe sociopath, but probably full coward diva.

Yeah. But ultimately, it's a good thing. I understand why you're upset, but it's also like, I don't want him to get away with this so easily. Right. Like, you shouldn't have the attitude of like, he should have to say to my face.

Yeah. That seems like not a healthy way to react to that information. Yeah. I understand being upset because it was just so startling. But it's also like this is ultimately a good thing because he's not a good guy. Right. But he denied you closure, which isn't really fair.

Yeah. But what is closure really? Like if somebody breaks up with you, isn't that all the closure you need? Do you have to know why? I think, I don't know. I, in this, in this case, I feel like, I don't know. I guess I've seen some like women that my wife is friends with. This like happens to them on the dating apps too. They get like ghosted or something and they just want to be like, I want to have a conversation so I can give this guy feedback so he doesn't do this to more

women. Yeah. Do you think they actually think that that or do you think they want to know the answer? Like not knowing it was going well and now it's not and I need to know why. I don't know. It seems earnest, but I also think that it's, I don't feel like there's anything you can say or do that will make this guy grow or change. So like there must be some other way, some other focus that you can have that's not on him to find the closure that you need. Yeah. Like, I don't think there's any way to get what you want with him involved. I don't know the way to do it necessarily, but take him out of the

equation. Yeah. I guess like if, you know, you're in a long-left relationship and somebody just disappears, just out of morbid curiosity, you're interested. You're like, what the hell happened? Yeah, I mean, if you're saying I love you and then the next thing is a text. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, maybe he just needs time right now. He might just be afraid of you. But he also said that he slept with other people in the text. Yeah. He wanted that breakup for sure. Yeah. I think that's always

the best way to get over someone is to find somebody else or to just hang out by yourself and enjoy that free time. Yeah, hang out with your friends. I think that's the best way to get over somebody. Yeah, but what if you don't have

any fucking friends? I'm sure she has friends. No, I'm talking about me. Yeah. Well, you should never let Avital break up with you. I've alienated literally every single

from soup to nuts. Your dog won't talk to you at Intelligentsia. Exactly. He pretends he doesn't know you. He's turning a blind paw. He's dating a lizard in your face. And for what? It makes no sense.

So ultimately you are understandably angry, but you can't sort of force him to talk to you. Yeah. I think that what I would do in this situation, I still don't know if it's right, but that's the name of the podcast. If I were you, I would cut him off entirely. No following on Instagram, unfriend on Facebook, pretend he doesn't exist because every single time it bubbles up is a little reminder of how shitty he is. So just erase him from everything. Yeah. Try not to think about him.

Focus on building other good stuff in your life. And then eventually, if it comes back, you can have that conversation where you tell him everything. Yeah. But basically, right now, it's all too raw to need the conversation. It's all too real. Yeah. It's a little too real. I mean, the Facebook status change alone. He had that waiting.

Absolutely savage. You know he's poking other people by now. He has to be. And porking. When was the last time you logged into Facebook and changed your, you should log in right now and just change your relationship status. I don't even have it on my phone. Yeah. I'm sure it still says single or maybe I just don't have it.

I think I remember being in a relationship on Facebook, breaking up and needing to change it. Yeah. And I was like, I'll never, ever make my relationship status public again. This is the last thing I want. But it is a good way to blast it out so everybody knows. Yeah. Otherwise you have to like call someone. How's it going?

Good. I broke up with this person. Good. I it out so everybody knows. Yeah. Otherwise, you have to, like, call someone. How's it going? Good, I broke up with this person. Good, I broke up with this person. Yeah. Facebook was like a one-stop shop letting everybody know you're either in or out of a relationship. Yeah. I don't like it. How do they do that nowadays? I don't need hundreds of people to know at the exact same time. There's just, like, if you're 21 years old now and you're newly single, is that a Snapchat notification, Instagram?

How are kids letting people know? Every 21-year-old is single. That's awesome. Yeah. They're all poly. That's really good. There's no such thing as a relationship anymore, man. Damn.

Yeah. That's dope. Shout out to Billy. Billy just walked in. Oh, really's dope. Shout out to Billy. Billy just walked in. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. I might do the polyamory thing too.

That's awesome. I haven't considered it. You can't get Alvitol to fuck you. So what would you... It wouldn't even be poly. She's already in like this throuple situation. Okay. So I'm like, okay, I have two options.

One, I'm devastated. Okay. So I'm like, I'm like, okay, I have two options. One, I'm devastated. Or two, I'm in a polyamory relationship. So you are poly. It's just that you don't, you're kind of a cuckold in a polyamorous relationship. Yeah. I'm poly, but not on purpose. Yeah. I guess every cuckold is actually in a polyamorous relationship. That's a nicer way to look at it. Yeah. So what would you say that I am? Would you say I'm sad or would you say I'm poly? I think you're a happy cuck.

That's really cool. Call me poly sure because I'm sure I'm poly. The weasel. Yeah. This is going to be our last episode. Put her there, man. We had a good run. I'm not even sure that's true. Wow. Yeah. Put her there, man. We had a good run. I'm not even sure

that's true. Wow. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. We petered out at the end, didn't we? Yeah.

Went out with a whimper. We borrowed from Peter to pay Polly. Nice. And now we're back, baby. Woo! Six more years. Six more years.

All right. Thank you guys for listening thank you for watching if you can believe it truly we are doing our damnedest

to answer all your questions and play all your theme songs the email address for everything is ifireyoushow at gmail.com that's right

and we're still making videos on our patreon patreon.com slash ja watching classic Jake and Amir episodes yeah and providing some insight and just finding ourselves Patreon.com slash JA. Watching classic Jake and Amir episodes. Yeah.

And providing some insight and just finding ourselves LOLing at the jokes we came up with 10 years ago. That's correct. So you can watch it all there as well. Of course, you can watch this on YouTube as you guys maybe are right now. We don't have to tell you twice. Right. And then let me see who wrote that gosh darn theme song I can never remember. It was Henry.

Yeah, Henry Giles. Giles. Henry Giles. Henry Giles. And shout out to Patrick. Yes, and shout out to Patrick. And thank you guys for listening. And we'll, of course, be back next week.

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