Segments - 57: Confidence

Episode Date: January 30, 2014

In this episode we discuss how to win a fight, how to accept a gift, and how to estimate the size of a penis. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the easiest, best, most affordable way to build your own website: http://bit.ly/17DIXqW See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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What's wrong with you, man? I don't know. My face is all messed up and I actually need to log on to squareface.com to get it all squared away. Well, this episode is actually brought to you by Squarespace. That's squarespace.com. So what does Squarespace do? Well, you know when you have an idea for a website, a blog, an online store even, but you don't know how to do it because you're not a huge nerd that knows how to program shit? Oh, that's good because I thought you were going to say because you don't know how to do it because you're not smart.

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Yeah, because Squarespace actually does provide a domain name when you use their service. You'll also get a domain name in your package. I highly suggest using one, JanieHealthlyBlog.Squaarespace.com. And the other website we're pimping out right now is CreamGlassware.Squaarespace.com. Cream Glassware? That sounds pretty primo. Well, they sell, oh, you'll have to see. Bongs. All right, enough. Sorry. So yeah, thanks so much for listening everybody

Please enjoy this episode Fortunately for y'all Things once again became I don't want to say fake Cause it's the opposite It's real They got real Yeah

Enjoy If I were you If I were you Enjoy. That's great. Caesar cheese, if you please, make sure you're in your chair, bitch. Caesar cheese, if you please, make sure you're in your chair, bitch. Cute. That was great. Yeah, it was like a little Apple commercial. Caesar cheese. All right, put your pants back on. Okay.

All right. Easy does it. You're painting a picture of me that I don't want people to see. I know. My pants are on, and I resent what you're doing. This is an assassination of my character, actually. It's assassination, it's defamation, and I'd like to make some reclamation from my character.

And I offer everybody an explanation. That was Carla Haynes from Australia. Oh, damn. She's so far away from me. Is she hot? No, that's not what I care about. You can't just say that and then, that's not what I care about. You can't just say that and then say that's not what you care about.

It's the only thing you care about. No, I meant how far away she was I didn't care about. Oh. You said that's so far away. I don't care. Is she hot? Oh, I see, I see.

I thought you were like, is she hot? Whoa, I can't say that. Oh, no. You thought that I had morals for a second. How wrong you were. For an accidental moment, you thought I was had morals for a second. How wrong you were. For an accidental moment, you thought I was a norm. Sorry, bud.

No, when I hear that a woman lives in Australia. I imagine she's a cute little blonde girl. Short hair, right? Yeah, and when she can sing, then I'm like, okay. She's like a girl who everyone her whole entire life told she should be a model. Right. But she's like, oh, no, I'm too should be a model right but she's like oh no i'm too much of a tomboy i never like to put on makeup i just i just like to play my little

acoustic guitar here and uh i'd like to take you camping carla claudia kara what was it it doesn't matter what your name is all i care is you're you're actually mrs hurwitz that's that's what your name is carla Haynes, actually. What's up, baby? You think, statistically speaking, on average, more singers are better looking than non-singers? So if you were to take a sample of 100 random people and then 100 random singers, the singers would be, on average, more attractive?

Are you asking me to do science right now? No, I'm just trying to say. I already did the science. All I want you to do you take a hundred or a hundred people uh and they can sing are they more attractive that's it that's that i don't even understand what you're asking me okay a hundred random people in the world the number i'm lost okay okay so you take you think singers are on average hotter than non singers hotter than people who are mus gifted, you think they're more attractive?

Physically, if you separate their musical ability. Why do you think that is? I don't know. There's no reason. I just want you to shut up. I just want to talk about something else. So I said yes. No.

I didn't leave any wiggle room. Yes, I did. If anything, no would have left less wiggle room. I don't know. I haven't really... It's it seems maybe i guess because like if their voice is pretty then people might think they're then their face should be pretty this is not fair i've never thought about this in my whole life you're putting me on the spot trying to like find out the way i think about something that i've never had to think about. Ask me next week.

I need time. You can't just ask a question and then I'm right or wrong. I don't even – that's the weird thing about asking people questions is so rude. Every date that I go on, I ask the lady to submit 20 to 50 questions faxed over to me so that I have something to say. I seriously do think that like when I just, what a lot of the times when I talk, I'm like saying things with, um,

with conviction for the first time in my whole life. Like, like, Oh yeah, I like hot dogs more than hamburgers for sure. And then like, no, I've never thought about it.

I don't know. It seems like it's probably, uh, you know, there's a lot of factors that would come into play. Yeah, I guess. I mean, sure and then like no i've never thought about it i don't know it seems like it's probably uh you know there's a lot of factors that would come into play yeah i guess i mean it's a gray area for sure always i don't know is the answer to your question this is episode 57 i don't know why you're suddenly becoming more need more information indeed need more info i can't actually i can't answer any of these questions today either because I haven't had a week to process them.

They're just flying at me. Well, it's... All right, I'm sorry. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. Excuse me? I'm Amir. Am I a host?

You're a sidekick of sorts.'m jake you've been you've been demoted how is it were you how are you ever in a position to demote you think people get told if they're demoted or is that not a thing i think that you're you get called into an office like well we're giving you a demotion you are being being demoted. I feel like you're – it depends where you are. But you're like – I think it's like they try to put you in a positive spin. You're like, hey, we love what you're doing in this area. And we want you to just do that and not do some of the other stuff you've been doing. We're going to – it's not taking away some responsibility.

We're just going to hand that off to other people. And you're going to focus on on just this okay and since we love what you're doing so much with that we're going to pay you less to do just that like oh i want the uh i like my current money yeah but we don't like your current um is this a demotion whoa we don't use the D word around here. That said, you're fired. And that is a demotion to unemployment. Huge demotion. So how does it work? This is an advice podcast.

So what happens? People email us at ifireashow at gmail.com. They're in a difficult place. They're in a sticky situation. They don't know what to do. They are at their wit's end. They are clueless. They are stuck. Move on.

Okay. So they describe their problems in an electronic mail to us. We read them, decide which ones to answer, and eventually we do on this here podcast show. I don't know how else to say it. I think you could say it more concisely. I sure do. I sure think you found a lot of ways to say people were stuck. I think that's true.

I thought that was a waste of time. I thought you could shave 10 seconds off the people are stuck in a hard situation, don't know what to do, where to turn, and they're confused and they've decided to look to us. Us, of all people. Yeah, but that was not bad. Thank you. It was worse than last week. I wanted to switch it up a little bit. I understand. Yeah, but that was not bad. Thank you. Well, it was worse than last week. I wanted to switch it up a little bit, basically. I understand.

Yeah, I wanted to keep it fresh. Because once people hear the same thing over and over, they zone out. Yeah, that said, I am the new host. How so? You're the sidekick. Insane. Insane. I'll read the first email.

You want to? Yeah. All right, you read the first email. Give me a name. Well, Super Bowl's coming up, so let's do Richard Sherman. All right. You read the first email. Give me a name. Well, Super Bowl's coming up, so let's do Richard Sherman. All right. This one comes from Richard Sherman. Hey, I somehow ended up living together with a random girl for my senior year of college.

We live in an apartment, and while we don't share the same room, we do share a bathroom. We got pretty close in the past two months and spent a lot of time together watching movies and TV shows. We're close enough to touch each other, not sexually, and I feel like we both have developed feelings for each other. However, she has a boyfriend.

She goes home on Thursdays every week, leaving me alone until Sunday night or even Monday morning when she returns. Does her desire to go home every week to possibly see her boyfriend mean she has no feelings for me? Yeah, probably. Richard Sherman. Does her desire to spend most of her waking time with her current boyfriend mean that she doesn't like me? When she leaves me from Thursday to

Monday, does that mean she's with her boyfriend? Yeah, I like how he's like, to probably hang out with her boyfriend? No, that's exactly what she's doing. Keep in mind we share a bathroom. Yeah. I don't understand these mixed signals. I mean, on one hand, she goes home to visit him 50% of the time, but on the other hand, we share a bathroom.

And did I mention we don't sexually touch each other? Though we're close enough to. We're close enough to touch each other, but it's never sexual. And I feel like she's developed feelings for me. Was the big giveaway when she went home to see her boyfriend for four straight days? Yeah, that's not a courtesy seeing of the boyfriend because she's going home on Thursday. It's like when you have a significant other other you squeeze as much time as you can you like when you go home

it's like the night of work and then you come back the morning of work it's like trying to squeeze in as much uh couple time as possible and she's doing that every single week and he's wondering if that means that she's not as into him i think what what you don't, maybe you just never had a girl roommate before, but like watching TV and movies with someone doesn't mean that they have feelings for you. That just means that they live with you. Furthermore, sharing a bathroom with someone doesn't mean that your place has one bathroom.

Yeah. I think that's all that is. Is it a Jack and Jill? It's a Jack and Jill. It's a Jack and Jill. It's a joining bathroom. Jack and Jill. They shared a pill. Yep.

And drank some toilet water. Okay, that's enough, buddy. That's a little too much. That was a little blue for me. You also shouldn't try to develop feelings for your roommate. That seems like it's destined to be a bad idea. Well, that seems like it's destined to be dope bad idea well that seems like it's destined to be dope but the problem is that she doesn't like you no it's only dope while you guys are hooking up temporarily and then she brings someone else home

and then it's just awkward no that's great it's good when she brings someone else home and you have feelings for her well why do you have feelings for her because she's bringing someone else home i don't get it i don't get feelings is she sexy and she has a pussy then that's great and she fucks somebody else and that's great too and then i'll fuck somebody else that's sexy and has a pussy and uh-oh that girl over there she's not sexy but she's got a pussy so i'll fuck her too i don't know how to feel i'm alone always always alone always alone yeah give me a beat man oh why yeah yo i'm always alone always alone Even when my friends are home Even when you're on the phone I'm still alone, still alone Still need that beat, motherfucker, let's do it

Yo, fuck a beat Nah, stop the beat I'll go acapella, yo, I'm always alone Bring that beat back, yo, I'm trying to get this shit I'm always alone When you drop in dome, give me the beat Yeah, give me the beat Yo, fuck this beat, son.

I don't need no beat to tell you what's up. I don't need no beat because we still going to fuck, but I'm so alone. Give me the beat real quick. I need a beat. I need a beat for the verse, ass. Yo, fuck a beat, boy. God damn it. I always fall for it.

Charlie Brown and the football. I'm like the bull who cried wolf, yo. What was I saying? You don't. This girl doesn't like you. And you can tell by the rate at which she goes home and leaves you for somebody else. I can tell what you're creating in your mind. And maybe, maybe, maybe we're wrong and there is something.

But if there is, you don't want to be in a situation with your roommate where she's breaking up with her boyfriend for you. It's very different if you're both single, living together, and you drink some wine one night. You hook up. That's kind of fun. That's funny. You guys can laugh about it and say this is nothing it meant nothing but if she's like slowly developing a crush on you you convince her to cheat on her boyfriend or break up with her boyfriend it's gonna have way too much weight when you guys have sex oh because then she's gonna like be like well i just broke up with my boyfriend for you and now what no you don't want that don't want that boss you don't want that pressure you don't want that on your mind yep so what's his plan do nothing stop don't do nothing don't do nothing keep watching movies keep watching tv share the bathroom touch each

other non-sexually the end i think if she really liked him she wouldn't go home every single weekend definitely not from thursday yeah that's cutting it close. Yeah. That's cutting it real close. That means she's only with you on like Monday afternoon, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and then she leaves. And then she wants out. But that two and a half days, you guys have serious feelings for each other. I mean, we share a bathroom for Christ's sakes. Christ's sake.

Yeah, Christ. Yeah, Jesus. All right, should we go on to the next question? On to the next, on to the next. We need another football Super Bowl player. Peyton Manning writes, Hey guys, I always considered myself an alpha male of sorts. I never took anyone's shit and I demand respect from my peers.

Unfortunately, a little while back, while I was on the subway, a guy tried to pick a fight with me. He was older and shorter, so of course I didn't back down. The guy mopped the floor with me. I felt more than a little ashamed while I was dusting off my clothes and looking for my shoe after the fact. Since the fight, I've been more quiet and less confident in myself have you guys ever lost fights and do you have any advice on how to get confidence back thanks peyton manning oh no a little short guy a short older guy i think he knew fucking jujitsu or some shit i think he cheated. This karate motherfucker.

This 40-year-old four-foot tour just took me to town. This odd job. I felt... With his low blows and his low center of gravity. I felt shame as I looked for my shoe. That's right. He beat me so hard I lost a single shoe. Oh, no.

Why? It's sad that the guy tried I lost a single shoe. Oh, no. Why? It's sad that the guy tried to pick a fight with him and then won. That's like not how karma is supposed to work. Yeah, you don't pick a fight with someone and then they're like, you know what? Bring it. And then you still beat the shit out of them. Oh, no. I mean, I would lose fights to older.

I can lose a fight to a 30X year old short dude. Well, yeah. I mean, it depends if they know how to fight. Yeah. They know how to throw a punch. They could still be stronger than you, even if they're older and shorter. Yeah. So that's a way to justify it so that your confidence isn't that low.

For sure. Yeah. This dude, he's older. He's older, which means he's had more experience fighting. Yeah. But he also means he's closer to death, so you can rest on that fact. And he's shorter, which means it's hard for him to lose his balance. Yeah, but he's shorter, and he would choose your height over his any day of the week probably, right?

Well, that's true. But, I mean, just from a strictly fighting standpoint. Yeah, he's got a better center of gravity. Most of the time, somebody trying to pick fights is somebody that, like, wants to show off that they can fight. You know, this guy's like a short old dude. He needs to feel good about something, so he's going to try to knock out a taller, stronger dude. Yeah, it's like the Napoleon complex. The shorter you are, the more you want to show off and be strong.

And I've talked about this on the podcast before, but what you've got to do, man, is just fight dirty. That's what's up. You need to be kicking kneecaps. You need to be biting ears. You don't lose the fight. You don't have to lose hit him with something take out your phone hold it hold it in your hand and just with the hard corner of your phone you can you can hit him in the in the jar the temple or the top of the head the side

of the eye yeah what you what you got to do is just not lose the fight yeah scratch and a lot of times scratching throws people off just because it hurts a lot. Scratching, biting, screaming. Scream. Let out a blood-curdling scream as soon as he starts hitting you. And what does that do?

Just kind of pierce his ears, hurt his eardrums. He has to cover his ears and all of a sudden then you're biting his neck like a vampire. Holy shit. Like fucking Dracula. You're describing the weirdest fight

yeah well i've described i'm describing a fight that i didn't lose yeah so a guy hit you you yell as you can i've actually have you ever been in a fight no are you well i can't i get into like shouting and pushing matches but uh fairly recent fairly often i would say actually the well that yeah there are those kids at y Yale that I was yelling at. Yeah, yeah. There was a guy in Iceland that I got into a pushing match with. There was the guy that Dave Rosenberg fought. Yeah, that wasn't really you, but yeah.

I pushed somebody then, too. Yeah. It's a lot of pushing. Throwing a punch is a big thing to do. Yeah. I'll push, but throwing a punch is like shit's getting real. You have to be a big thing to do. Yeah. Like, I'll push, but, like, throwing a punch is, like, real, like, shit's getting real. You have to be a little crazy to do that. Yeah, I think, I think that it's, like, well, it's one thing to be, like, out, like, I'm

not gonna back down. Nobody wants to back down. But also, nobody wants to actually, like, get into a fist fight. It's never an option for me to punch. I think the best thing to do is to, like, neither, neither person backs down. Nobody, like, loses their ground and, like, somebody else somebody else breaks it up someone it's up to someone else to diffuse the situation right like hey look both your dicks are big move away both you guys both have huge dicks yeah and then you're breathing heavily through your nose or dave rosenberg just comes

in and choke slams somebody you know we thought about getting a bodyguard sir one time in college i got punched in the head and like thrown down a set of stairs jesus by who i was in a frat with my buddy rusty well you weren't you weren't i was we were like visiting house yeah and um rusty rusty is his real name i it's like russell i guess maybe it's oh it's probably russell but maybe it's rusty i don't know we i only ever knew him as rusty cool name very cool name. Cool dude. And I think it was him, but it might have been me.

But I'm pretty positive it was him. We were playing beer pong, and he put the beer pong ball down in the front of his pants before we shot. And it was against brothers in the frat. So we shot it. I don't even think it went in, but these two other guys, these other brothers came over and they were like, yo, we saw what you did. You had to leave. And then as we were leaving, we were getting walked out and they have like, don't make

me fucking touch your dick, dude. If I fucking, can you imagine if nobody saw that? You threw the ball that touched your dick and it landed in the fucking beer and I drank it and I was gay for a night. Anyway night anyway hey get that ball out of the corner yeah that dusty corner over there that's fine i'll lick the fucking floor before i touch a guy's dick and uh we were getting led out of the fraternity and you know they have like those big i think they're like charter pictures those big big photos yeah. All the members. Yeah. So I grabbed it and I ripped it down off the wall. Run, dude.

Run, Rusty. The guy had his hand on my arm and I did it. Take that, class of 2002. And he pushed me and then somebody else punched the back of my head. Don't you ever disrespect the brotherhood. And then later that night, we went back and pissed on their doormat. Like an abused dog. And now I'm going to wake up and SIGEP or BETA or whatever frat that this was.

I'm glad that I don't remember. Dude, now that you're a fucking college humor celeb, they would think it's an honor to have a jam on with, to urinate on our mat, sir. The man who co-wrote Brohemian Rhapsody. My only regret is that it wasn't my face you our mat, sir. The man who co-wrote Bohemian Rhapsody. My only regret is that it wasn't my face you pissed on, sir. So getting in a fight,

I think if, honestly, I'll say, if anything, you're at an advantage now that you did lose a fight because so many people are afraid to get in fights because they don't want

to get hit in the face. And now you've been hit in the face, you know what happens when you get your ass kicked right it's almost more respectable to me to lose a fight because it's like wow somebody beat the shit out of you yeah you didn't back down you got your ass kicked and now like that's a character builder totally if you want to fight i'd be like oh you're kind of an asshole you beat somebody up right now but now you've got courage you're not like don't back down from another fight you you uh you got your ass kicked you

dusted yourself off. You found your shoe and you had the wherewithal to email these two Jewy guys with a podcast and we're going to tell you that you're a hero for what you did. How's that for confidence? Jake Hurwitz himself is spitting your game. The very man who got kicked out of

Beta Chi is making you feel very high. That's right. Keep your head up. Chin up, Peyton Manning. And you're going to win the Super Bowl on Sunday. Or you're going to lose to Russell Wilson.

Chill with that. Go Seahawks. Haterade. Go Seahawks. Haterade. Go Seahawks. Go the Seahawks. Speaking of, let's go from short guys to tall guys.

We got a female who's got a question about her tall boyfriend. Okay. So let's give this lady a female football player's name. Aaron Andrews. Aaron Andrews writes, Recently I've been seeing this guy who is perfect, cute, smart, funny, everything. He's the first guy I've really started to fall for. And get this, he's 6'8".

I'm just worried that all of him might be proportional to his height. I'm not a tiny person. I'm 5'6", but I'm just nervous because at 20 years old, I've had no sexual experience to speak of. I wasn't too worried until my best friend told me to be careful because when he pulls his dick out of his Levi's it might be so huge that it springs out, hits me in the face, and gives me a black eye. I know that probably won't happen, but it

did nothing to ease my nerves. Help! I have no clue what to do. Love Aaron Andrews. Oh snap. Oh damn. Oh my goodness. I like how she's like, I know that probably won't happen. Right, snap. Oh, damn. Oh, my goodness. I like it. She's like, I know that probably won't happen.

Right? But it's a possibility. Yeah, isn't there a possibility that his dick's so big it bruises my eye? When I remove his dungarees, it'll come out like a mushroom-tipped slingshot. Like a booby trap. A peenie trap. Like a mousetrap just smacking down on my face that's how tightly wound his dick is in his pants that when you zip it open it snaps like a mousetrap uh-huh uh-huh oh my god okay um utto she says he's perfect, but unfortunately, sweetheart, you're dating an ogre.

What's perfect about being fucking Lurch? Yeah. He's actually perfect in every way except he's Mr. Reach, okay? So don't say he's perfect when he's an oversized baboon. Jesus. I'm sorry. He's LeBron James' height. That's a physical specimen.

Oh. What would you say is the perfect height? If you could choose any height. Six foot three. I was going to say six three. Very nice. Because it's tall, but it's not too tall. Yeah.

It's like handsomely tall. Very handsome. Six two, six three is perfect height. Yeah. You know who's six four? Is Peyton Manning. Is he? Yeah.

Six four. Wow. You know what Russell Wilson'4 is uh is Peyton Manning is he yeah 6'4 wow you know what Russell Wilson's height is uh 5'11 yeah 5'11 that's a short dude just another reason the Broncos are probably gonna probably gonna win well yeah but um it's a little more about defense don't you think yeah maybe anyway what should this girlfriend do about her boyfriend's large dick oh yeah you know what I actually champion I did some jesus sorry i did some research actually i actually uh for the first time in the podcast history did uh a little bit of uh what's another word for research preparation yeah i looked up to see if there is a correlation between penile size and any other part of your body. And there is no statistical correlation

between penis size and foot size, body size, arm size. You sure you did this research for the podcast, pal? Or you were just real nervous that you had size six and a half feet? I'm women's. I'm a women's four on one foot and a men's 12 on the other. I'm a men's eight and a toddler's two and a half. Also, my hands are so small when I grip a cherry, it looks like I'm holding an apple.

Yeah, so I can punch a thimble. Is that normal? My fist fits in a thimble? I can put both of my fists in my mouth. This is actually not even a science experiment that I researched. It's something that I conducted myself. Really? Actually, yeah.

I measured 100 penis. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, and then I measured people's feet and their height. I just don't understand that. I don't understand that at all, actually. A big person, everything's bigger on him. How is the penis not bigger? Well, think of it as a muscle instead of a bone.

Okay. Like he doesn't necessarily have a bigger heart or a bigger brain. Right. Well, yes, if his head is bigger, if his chest is bigger, wouldn't his heart be bigger? No. It wouldn't. It's not? No. It wouldn't. It's not? I don't think so, no.

I think every human's brain... But like he's taller, his hands are longer. Yeah. His nose is bigger. Right, but those are all bones. Okay. His butt cheeks are bigger. He's got a larger butt cheek.

A bigger buttocks cheeks. And you think he doesn't have bigger dick? I don't know. I guess not. It is seemingly hard to believe that my dick is bigger than Shaq's. Because it's not. Well, you don't know. Maybe it is.

Oh, you're, this is, my dick's bigger than Shaq's too. I'm just saying there might not be a correlation between height and uh and uh dick size okay fine so for somebody who's five foot five might not necessarily have a bigger peen than someone who's six foot eight so you might be prematurely scared okay yeah so there's no there's no way of knowing what the actual size of his penis is until you actually i would this more than anything i want to follow up pup from this from this chick. I want to hear about how big his dick is. I genuinely do. I also think you can – the vagina will stretch.

You can ease into it. Just do a lot of foreplay to get you wet and you use a lot of lube and just don't let him go from zero to full thrust. Just work it in. It's going to be fine. It's a team effort at that point. Yeah, and if he can't get his dick like deep enough in you to come, then you just have to like pull it out and you guys can jerk off. And that's how it's going to happen.

Oh, so you're worried that his penis might be too small now. No, I'm saying if it's too big and it can't get in her. Oh, all the way. Yeah, and it's not creating enough friction, and thus he's not able to get off. Also, another thing that I read while I was doing my penile Wikipedia research is that width is more important than length

in terms of getting a girl off. I've heard that too. So whether or not it's long or not might not necessarily mean it's better or worse for you. What really is important is how wide a penis is. I feel like I've also heard it feels good to get deep, too. Mm-hmm. So deep is length.

I guess it's a combination of both. Yeah. I mean, fat and long is probably the best. You don't want to have a tuna can dick. Yeah. Just a really short, stout little tuna can. Two Coke cans. Two little treetop apple juices.

With a Capri Sun on top. Yep, there you go. Worst dick I've ever heard. Two apple juices with a Capri Sun. That's the ideal penis. Four marshmallows, jumbo, and a Hershey Kiss on top. Ew, what the fuck?

That's way too tiny of a head. Your dick is of a head. A pointy... Your dick is like a sword. Not a chocolate chip, a Hershey kiss. I heard you. You're thinking of four... Not a chocolate chip.

A Hershey kiss. Sir. It's still tiny. All right, seven mini marshmallows and a peanut butter M&m sliced in half oh my god i want it in my mouth how is this okay a bundle of four number two pencils and uh sharpened to a tip with a chocolate chip on each one. A snow cap on top. Perfect.

All right. So don't get too scared just yet. Not yet. Wait until you see the D, and then you can get frightened. And sister, trust me, there's worse things than a big dick in you. For instance, a tiny one. Or an inverted penis. Trust me.

My dick looks like sea glass. What's that? It looks like sea glass. Like's that? It looks like sea glass. Like a seagull's ass? It is misshapen, it is hard, and it is not the right color, and it is small. It is small, it is shiny. It looks like somebody found it on a beach and wanted to

cast it away. My dick looks like sea glass. Yeah, like an arrowhead. Yeah, it's just like an arrowhead. Yeah, like an old arrowhead weapon. Okay. That's enough. It's break time. Break it. Let's go. Super quickly. Super

quickly. Our show is tonight, technically, if you're listening to this on Thursday, January 30th. Holy crap. So if you're listening to this and you're feeling adventurous, come on down to the UCB Theater at 7 p.m. There should be a standby line that lets enough people in for you to enjoy the show. Do it, do it, do it, do it.

And if you live in Nashville and Charlotte, we're going to be there on February 17th and 18th, and in Syracuse University on February 19th. That's it. That's all we're going to say. More information on our website, and now I'm done. We're done. Obviously, you can look it up. We're going to be at Zany's in Nashville, but that's it.

I don't want to inundate these people with so much information. Charlotte Comedy Club, February 18th. Boom. Done. That's 8 p.m. That's done. You can get your tickets online. We're done. We're done p.m. That's done. You can get your tickets online. We're done.

We're done talking about it. Time. Time. Syracuse University, obviously, tickets are still available for that. We're not really sure how to do it, so we're not even going to waste any of your precious moments talking about it. We don't know how to get the tickets yet. We don't know where they are. So it's a waste of airways.

Ask your school. Find out. And let us know. Please, because we actually don't know how to get there. How are you feeling? I feel good. You're not tired? No.

You're well rested? I've been sleeping. I've been chilling. I've been climbing. How would you compare your first two weeks in LA versus any random two weeks in New York? It's insane how healthy and well-rested I feel. I feel sound of body and mind. In just two weeks? Yeah. I mean, honestly, in like two days, I totally... You detoxed. I really did. And the cool thing is that I'm like not missing

raging very much. I'm just, I'm like so amped on what I'm doing right now. Right. So why is it just because it's the weather? I don't know. I think it's a combination of just like, I knew what I like. I know I liked this always, but just in New York, there's like-

Too many options to have fun and be unhealthy. Yeah, I've got too many temptations there. And here I don't have any. Or the temptations that I do feel are like, are actually healthy temptations there. And here I don't have any. Or the temptations that I do feel are like are actually healthy temptations like seeing my brother or going to the gym being outside and going on a hike.

Right. Yeah, it's good. I don't know. I like it. It's good of myself. I'm happy. How do you feel out here? It is a little weird to go out and still be

responsible to drive your car home yeah that's that takes some getting used to that's true uh so what i've been doing is getting so obliterated that i don't know the difference between right and wrong yeah that way i don't have like that thing in me that's like oh maybe i shouldn't so shit face gone but the good thing is that you're so fucked up you can't even start your car so you haven't driven yet yeah fallen asleep in the passenger seat twice once on the hood one time i actually woke up uh with my flaccid dick in the exhaust i guess i mean i can only fucking start to speculate that i tried to fuck my car to start it you woke up on a masderati and it was yeah it was 8 45 a.m by the time i realized uh what was what insane cars were honking at me because this is like the middle of the 405 the other crazy thing is that you took two shots of vodka and that like really did it for you you actually puked the second one up so i'm not sure

you even the first had any in your system. The first one was just soda water. Yeah, we said, this is your chaser. You took it. You said, holy fuck, I'm gone. Then you took the shot, immediately vomited. Then you ran to your car. Somebody said, what are you going to do? You said, you'll see. I'm

going to fuck my car. You pulled out your dick. You prematurely came. So in a way, you didn't even get to fuck your car, though you apparently really wanted to. Because we followed the trail of semen. It was a lot, by the way. It was like two inches thick for about a quarter mile. It didn't even let up.

And it led right to the exhaust. The snail trail. No, I mean, it's fun. It's fun have good we have fun we have good we have we have good fun out we have good yeah and uh we're gonna actually move out of my parents house soon so that's gonna be a whole whole other set of nonsense we can get into yeah i really hope i can keep up my healthy lifestyle when we're not living with your parents yeah i really hope my my mom will still do my laundry i really hope I can keep up my healthy lifestyle when we're not living with your parents. Yeah, I really hope my mom will still do my laundry. I really hope your mom will still cook for me. I really do.

But last time you were complaining about her cooking, saying that she makes the same thing. And since I've said something to her, she really resented it. But then ultimately she stepped up her game. So I guess you could argue that what I did was actually a good thing. Heroic in a way. I think I'm a hero. All right, last question. Let's do it.

We need another lady in the football world to call this. These are real emails from real people. I don't know if we mentioned that, but these are fake names. We're giving them to preserve their anonymity. So we're going to call this lady Stephen Gostkowski. Now that's bad. He's not even playing.

And it's a male name pam oliver sideline reporter writes hi my name is pam oliver and for my birthday my boyfriend got me this pair of super expensive shoes and i felt guilty accepting them because i would never spend that much money on him for his birthday and he said he couldn't take them back the problem is now i feel indebted to him because of this gift like i need to pay him back in lots of blow jobs and kinky sex shit the shoes are super cute but not cute enough to me for me to feel fine with our relationship feeling so off balance and me feeling like a like a hooker i don't know if this is what he was expecting but i definitely don't have the money to give him an equally expensive gift. Help. Oh, Pam.

Pam. Pam's creating her, writing her own present, past, and future. Pam's going ham. Yeah, she's going Pam. Geez. Is there a possibility, albeit small, that he gave you this gift not expecting you to be a sex slave to him? Is that maybe? I think my advice is for him to break up with you.

Oh, my God. Yeah. You're right for her. I think you've taken this more than the wrong way. You only looked at it through a negative light. Not even once did you. You're borderline insulting the shoes. So they're expensive shoes. You said they're cute, but not cute enough to...

This is actually how it went down. So you be the guy, and I'll be Pam. All right. Hey, baby, I care about you a lot. I got you this gift. Gift? What are you talking about? I just thought you would really like these shoes, and I got these for you.

Yeah, I do really like them. Let me guess. You want me to wear them. Excuse me? Walla, walla, walla, walla, walla. Swallow your load for the next year and a half. Excuse me? Yeah, excuse you.

I want you to. Absolutely. I want you to excuse you. You want me to what? Blow me, bitch. Oh, my God. It's true. Blow me blow me pam she was right pam is a motherfucker she was absolutely right the whole time um we going ham you've created a

you've created a narrative a false narrative it seems sometimes people give gifts not expecting uh uh perverse sex acts for years at a time in return. Yeah. If he's your boyfriend, you should want to blow him. So if that's a problem, I don't know why you're even in the relationship because you don't like his gifts or his dick. So sometimes he'll give me a gift and I wants you to be sexually indebted to him. With kinky shit, not regular shit. Yeah, with kinky shit that he's never asked for but now that i've got these shoes i'm

sure he wants like butt plugs and whips and shit what she's not saying is that these shoes are like 12 inch leather stiletto assless chat boot hybrid combos i think yeah you should just just accept the shoes grace graciously you don't have to get him an expensive gift or blow him a lot maybe just act appreciative and uh get him something thoughtful even if you can't get something expensive because thought goes a long way and uh failing that uh maybe you could just blow him every uh other hour for a year and a half yeah how much i wonder how much value she's putting on each blow job that she thinks that one day she'll be even right well i think about like a hooker that's like i think it's like 50 to 100 bucks per blow job so look at these shoes can't be that expensive i mean if

she if she really thinks she's going to be a hooker for this i feel bad telling her to blow up her shoes uh just just get a different attitude it has nothing i don't think it has anything to do with blowjobs but hey if you if you find out it does, then you should break up with him because that sucks. Yeah. How dare he? Now we're buying into a false reality. I don't think that's what he was going for. Yeah.

How dare you? How dare us? How dare everyone? How dare we presume? We make a prez out of you and me. Yeah. That's it. That's it.

What can I say? We had a good run. Episode 57. In the books. Yeah, that's it. That's it. What can I say? We had a good run. Episode 57, in the books. More than in the books, actually. Off the books. Yeah, it's in the books and off the books. On the record, off the books. We said that the first theme song was written by Carla Haynes, right?

Mm-hmm. All right, well, this last one is written by a guy named Pete Bradford. If you guys are so musically talented that you can create your own theme song to our show, we'll begin or close our episode with it. And you can send those over to the same email address that you can send your questions over to, which is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Happy January. It's been a wild, wild ride.

To think that this year is... We're out of time, bud. Is it? Okay, never mind. I will talk to you guys later. Fine, there we go. It's been a wild ride. Thank you so much.

Wow, life is... moves very fast sometimes. That's all I gotta say. Thank you. And that's all you should say. And that's all I gotta say. You've already said too much. Oh, shit.

All right, bye. It's just that, holy crap, January. Stop it. Bye. alright bye it's just that holy crap January stop it bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye Feast the cheese, no I love you more Jake and Amir, no I need you more If I were you The show

That's it. Another episode in the books. Thanks again to Squarespace for sponsoring this one. That's squarespace.com slash if I were you and coupon code beast in order to get the best deal possible. Jesus, I'm so sorry, you guys. Have a good day.