Segments - 572: Polar Plunge

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

In this episode we discuss skipping parties, tweeting retirement, and eating garbage. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Speaking of safe and risky, Bitcoin down 200 since we started this episode. No way.

I mean, we are. My father told me beware the chicken. He calls himself Shmuel. Hark, this is Shmuel. I'm gonna sell all my Bitcoin. All of it going ding, dong, ding. Schmuck, schmuck, schmuck, schmuck, schmuck, schmuck, schmuck, schmuck. Warwick had the schmucks, all of the schmucks, they seemed to say, come to L.A. Jake and Amir, always near All is okay on a Monday

Yes, it's Amir, this is my year Time for a change, flex out my range Fuck all the fans, screw all the stans My name is Schmoe Welcome to So call me that My name is Schmoe So call me that. My name is Mark.

Ten years on, baby. One thing I've learned, gleaned, if you will. Jake is a trainer. Happy Hanukkah, Jim. Look, I'm sorry to kill you. Maybe I just got burned. Been spurned too many times by this surfer dude. Only witness to too many crimes.

Too many blunders. My gold map works like even crime numbers But your numbers up Try to put you to sleep This well toast for thee Give me time as you weep Give me time as you He said we'll leave To feed

The shipmen And all these scripts are one part And bankrupt Bankruptry Ten years When will it stop? Who will go first? Jake Got lift down all

Today I get laid off, schmuck bells I'm cursed Fuck, nearly 40 But it's cool now I get it, I have a part to play Till I die from my dieting But not yet, not today I'm no diabetic, I'm plain cause I sweat it

I make the slam dunk, take the monk out of chipmunk I'm no small fry, that's right, I'm not ascetic And I swivel like a 5'10 square with the next-gen nuts I'm not talking about the balls of my jeans That make jakes look like skittles, I'm talking about trees What I store in every seed that I gather Whatever the weather, I'm conscientious Free to catch you a few for the winter

Never poor, never late, always punctual Keep every almond in date like it's my niece's nuptial But if you want to berate you all, take a shot Seed some cheese, like a metapod, I harm, that's right I'm no fettifilla, I'm shit, I Injurate when I'm old But you better like waiting Cause baby, it's cold outside

And this schmall's hibernating Heart to the schmall Shout out to Vital Jake, you know I love you really I'm crying. I didn't know that would happen like that. I thought it was just a normal song. You didn't realize it was an opus? I didn't realize it was an opus.

I didn't realize it was a magnum. I didn't realize, I realized it was an opus. I didn't realize it was a magnum. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't just a standard opus. That was actually a magnum opus. It was a musical condensed into three beautiful harrowing minutes. It made me realize that we should write a play or something where like I'm my character is sort of going through some shit. And it's like, you know, I'm on stage and tossing and turning and crazy images are playing above me.

And then that song is going on in the background or something. Yeah, definitely. There is some kind of like Greek tragedy to our to our act. I would think you're Shmuel the chipmunk destined to always get an award made of shit. Yeah. There's something there. There is the triumph and the despair.

It's Matthew Pope. It's his take on Carol of the Bells, but also references the Black Parade as well as the movie Interstellar. Yeah. I mean, that's who we need to theater direct our play, I think. That's right. Massive shout out to your listeners, Becca and Gilgan.

I don't know them, but out of the blue, they donated $100 Canadian dollars to my charity fundraiser. I'm swimming 50 times for 50 homeless people to have a Christmas this winter. Wow. Kind of them and unexpected. I hope it's not too cheeky. I believe that's Becca Gilgan. Oh, look at that.

So it's one person, Becca Gilgan. I think, but I'm not entirely. I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure I know Becca. I hope it's not too cheeky to ask you guys to plug my fundraiser. Would be awesome if just one person listening decided to check it out. Putting my progress on my YouTube channel, Matthew Pope, where there's also a link to my JustGiving page. Link to that, too, which is JustGiving.com slash page slash Matthew Pope.

Nice. You can search that. Hope this can feature before Christmas, but I know it's probably too late. I believe this is coming out Monday, December 26th. Right. So it's going to be too, no one will be able to go to the page unless you can donate after the fact.

We'll have to give something right now as a token of our apology slash esteem. Yeah, yeah, we will. Monday, December 26th, Boxing Day and my mom's birthday and Pat Castle's birthday, who is also doing some sort of polar bear plunge I see on social media. Yes, I'm actually doing that with him. Oh, really?

Yeah. It's funny. He's like sort of actively promoting it, trying to raise awareness and funds for this thing. And you're, what are you doing exactly? You're also doing the plunge part or are you doing the... I just think it'll be fun to go swimming in the winter. That's unique to me. I'm actually doing two polar plunges this uh christmas so what does that mean where are you going and why i'm going to the one there's like there's one the day after

christmas in new haven and then there's one on new year's day in coney island uh that's the one pat's doing where do they so they dive in and then you swim or you just jump in jump out i think you like run in and run out i don't think you like you know lounge in the ocean i think it's like run dunk maybe splash around a little bit come out my problem with the the polar plunge which is it's cold. Yeah. It's no surprise too cold. And I can't, I can't heat up. Like there's no, once I'm cold to my bones like that. Yeah. It's like, Oh, let's get out and get a towel. No, it's 38 degrees out. And now I'm shivering, pale teeth chattering until when an hour and a half later until I can get into a shower or something?

Your adrenaline is going. Like, I think also it's so cold that coming out will feel, you'll feel a little bit warmer. It'll feel like relief. Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I guess we'll see. I've never gone full-on ocean swimming in December.

I went swimming in Maine in November, this past November. Wow. How was that? It was pretty cold, but it was a nice day. It was like 60 and sunny. Yeah. So. What if it's snowing on the day in like Christmas day or whenever,

1st of January, you wake up and it's like sleet. I looked at the weather. It's not good. It's not going to be sleeting, but Sunday morning is going to be 15 degrees. 15 Fahrenheit. Yeah. So that's negative 12 or something Celsius. If they do it Friday, it's supposed to be 57.

57 to 15? Yeah. That nor'easter cold front. That's our brave new world. Yeah. Would you still do it if it's 15? Yeah. If it's 15, you're outside in a jacket.

It's still not warm enough. You're going to take your clothes off and jump in. I'm going to do it no matter what. Yeah. Come outside 15 15 that's right that's right i'd be too afraid of getting sick yeah i mean i had covid recently i feel like i'm pretty immune to uh even pneumonia or some cold related illness or something right i guess i could have that yeah although i hear like that's

not actually how it works like you can't get a cold from being cold that's just like right an old wives tale or something yeah i think i think i remember just like when you're cold that's your nose runs and then like it's easy to transfer sickness right right or like your immune system is lower than this or like indoors with more people. And that's what makes you sicker than usual. But I'm curious. I'm curious. One, you should take pictures and or video. And two, if you'll into a pool that's like, ooh, it's a little cold. Yeah. I think they do them everywhere. I think, yeah. But then ultimately it's fine.

I thought that Gabrus did the one in Coney Island, but he does it in Malibu. So it's like that's – I feel like that's probably what you're thinking of. Yeah, but I wouldn't want to do it in January. It's still bracing. It's still pretty chilly. It's cold. It's chilly. It's really cold. Yeah, it's crisp. Honestly, the Pacific might be more cold than the, but I wouldn't want to do it in January. It's still bracing. It's still pretty chilly. It's cold. It's chilly. It's definitely cold.

Yeah, it's crisp. Honestly, the Pacific might be more cold than the Atlantic. I don't know. Oh, really? Even in the winter? I don't know. I'm not a fucking marine biologist. Let's move on.

Yeah, we're just sort of making small talk before the introduction of the show. Yeah, sorry. I'm in a weird mood. I'm in a weird place. Really? I'm in a weird space. Harness that, actually. It's, if I were you, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us.

And I'm going to be giving cash to Matthew Pope, who's swimming for Christmas, if I can remember to. That's awesome. How much cash are you gonna give between 50 and 100 bucks and that's what I say when I give like 20 yeah right no one's gonna look oh of course not I don't know how Becca Gilgan or Becca and Gilgan found this guy's fundraiser already do you you know? No idea. Twitter or Discord or something. Hmm. Interesting. Maybe he tweeted at us to give and we didn't see it. Or maybe at Discord.

Who knows? Did you like the World Cup finals? Were you happy with the result? Yeah. I mean, I thought that was a really incredible game of football to go out on. Two of the best countries.

It's a finger in the eye of anyone who said they were protesting the World Cup game of football to go out on. Two of the best countries. It's a finger in the eye of anyone who said they were protesting the World Cup because it was in Qatar. Because everybody watched. Here. Yeah. Take this. The best final of all time. Yeah.

For everybody who sat this one out. Yeah. It was, I mean, incredible. Increable. Or incre Mbappe. That's really good. Yeah. Mbappe did score three goals.

Not enough. A World Cup hat trick. It's just not enough when you're playing Lionel Messi and the team of destiny, the beautiful dream, has come true. Yes. First final since Maradona in 1986. The hand of God. The hand of God.

Who but Leo, the lion himself. Oh, the slipper still fits. What a strike. It crossed the line. Did it cross the line? I actually didn't watch it. I was seeing the, it my god it was a wizard's kings game yeah and that sort of stole my attention what was pretty crazy is it like

the first argentina was playing really well and that was fun to watch in the first half but then like it was it was a moderately boring game until – or a standard game until the 72-minute mark, whenever France scored again and kind of came back to life. I went to play basketball at 8.30. At 8.30, I went to play basketball. And I'm like, okay, it's 2-0. I saw the exciting parts. France had zero shots at that point.

Yeah. 75 minutes in. Did not even shoot yeah they couldn't get mbappe the ball um they subbed off like two two people before halftime just like it's not working not working at all then we started playing basketball and someone's like ah it's two two we're like how it was zero to four minutes ago like yeah mbappe scored twice in two minutes which i didn't know was possible but i guess one of them was a penalty kick right the penalty the the penalty was like it was dumb but you're like okay it's just it's a penalty they still

don't really have it and then his second goal was like was truly magical yeah and that was he did some sort of like slide tackle goal situation before the ball even hit the ground. It was like a Dalsim style. Yeah, yeah, like kicked it on the volley. Yeah. Sweeping leg kick slash goal. Yeah.

A give and go. And I mean, and then also like it really seemed like France was going to win in extra time. Like they were just not even, it wasn't going to go to extra time. They're just about to win. Yeah, because they had turned it on yeah and then by the time the penalty kicks happened we had stopped playing basketball and we were just watching on our phones live streaming the the penalty kicks but it seemed like most people that i was with was rooting for argentina oddly enough nobody i guess because france had just won and argentina's like this

last chance yeah i think that's kind of, I mean, both of these teams are, they're really good and they have huge fan bases. So it's kind of hard for me to like switch gears and be like, now I root for Argentina because it's like just, oh, now I root for a golden state or something. I can't just become an Argentinian. You'd have to have been rooting for them the entire time. But I did want to see Messi win his World Cup. It did did kind of feel like the calves golden state thing where it's like

okay the warriors just won and now lebron an older elder statesman on his way out potentially is trying to get one more for his home city slash country or whatever right and then yeah i think it was yeah it's kind of exact it was very similar's it's, there's a lot of parallels for sure. And then, yeah. And it was also cool to see, like, I,

I know Ronaldo's got a bad rap. I still love him, but the, you know, like messy for being like an older goat was still so involved. Like this was still his score. It wasn't like, yeah,

it wasn't like yeah it wasn't like oh he i he like he just earned this more than anybody right he was not like he used to be really good and now he's still around no it's like no he's he scored in every match and mbappe got the golden boot for the whole world cup so at least a little something for the guy yeah he's 23 he's gonna score a lot more goals it seems like he's like already caught up with some records and he has like five world cups left in him yeah yeah it's gonna be awesome what do you think of killian for a name like uh if you know people are asking for boys names or honestly even girls names at killian's k-y-l-L-I-A-N yeah Killian's a cool name for sure

it's like Jillian oh yeah yeah it's a lot Jillian, Killian and Jake yeah I could change my name to Killian because it's kind of like it's Jillian and Killian that's cool yeah that's better

well if Jillian ended up with Mbappe her name would be jillian mbappe and his name would be killian jim boppe why he would take her initial as a token of his esteem how fucking romantic is that for a killian to change his name to jm boppe if he was really gonna do that to change his name to j. Mbappe, I would let him cuck me. But there's not, yeah, there's not really another way where I would allow that to happen unless it was Killian Jimbappe. And Jillian Mbappe. Yeah, she would just keep Mbappe. Well, you could also change your dog's name because it's still pretty early in the game there.

Yeah, he's only six months old. Dingo to Killian. I feel like he definitely would. The Dingo to Killian pipeline feels ripe. Yeah, I don't know. It feels like I agree that I could. Call him Killian right now. Let's see.

He'll definitely come to me. Right. Because of the tone, right? Right. If I just yell anything, if I yell any word, any name, he'll run over for sure. He gets excited at the tone of the music. Yeah. He knows when I want him.

And I'm treat man, so he'll come over. He knows what's good for me. I'm a treat man. I'm a treat treat man. I'm the guy that has cheese sometimes. The greatest thing an owner can be is sometimes you have cheese. Oh, sometimes you have cheese, right? Remind me your name, dude. You're like Salt Bae, but with cheese.

I've been doing Dingo's voice as kind of this strung out surfer guy who's looking for cheese all the time. Oh, hey, do you have any cheese, man? That's cool. You got cheese? Yeah. It sounds like also your impression of our friend Bennett. Oh, yeah. That was... Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. yeah, oh yeah. Actually, Dingo and Bennett do have a lot in common. Oh, you got any cheese, man? Oh, by the way, do you have cheese? You ever see Bennett? He lives in New York.

No, but I'm going to try to see him this spring, because I think they do like big Formula One watch parties in their warehouse. Oh, snap. Yeah. So I'm gonna check it out. All right.

Let's take a break. Answer some fucking questions after these messages. Enough is enough. Yeah, I'm in. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back.

Jake, do you have any? Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah, I do. Simple, short, sweet. Clean up your toolbar, folks. That little task toolbar at the bottom of your computer. I'm assuming everybody has a Mac like me. Clean that shit up. Sorry, did you call me a toolbar?

Yeah. Clean up your life from toolbars. If you hang out with toolbars, don't text them anymore. Don't see them. It's the holidays. It's time to shed that dead weight. Yeah, I got a lot of apps that I have never used but I've never even thought to get. Like I'm so subconsciously used to the order that like if I got rid of this Apple TV app that I've never used it might throw my entire shit off. I can hit remove from dock right now

and I just never have. Yeah, remove from the dock, man. I have one, two, three, four. It looks like I have one, two, three, four. It looks like I have... Yeah, I have ten. Ten down there. Music. Again, remember iTunes?

They got rid of iTunes. Why would you have that there? Whatever happened to iTunes? It was the most important thing in the world. Yeah. If you don't use it, you don't need it down at the toolbar. You shouldn't have to scroll around looking for what you want to open if you don't those seconds add up if you don't use it lose it news speaking of losing and newsing the news no need no no no

i don't click on that thing yeah get rid of it clean up your desktop while you're at it folks your computer should be a zen environment for you yeah my my desktop is an absolute wasteland i i usually just use the finder and it's all like got everything yeah like when i look at the desktop it's like holy smoke you'll never find the attic yeah right i'm a finder kind of guy yeah i like the find i actually don't use the finder very much though i i I do. I have a clean desktop. But I don't really need anything on my desktop either. Oh, because you just use applications, Zoom, messages, email. Google Docs. Yeah, everything is Finder.

It's all findable. It's all Finder-based at this point. You talked about not needing an iPad, but it seems like you need an iPad instead of a computer. You're not really using a lot of what makes a computer better than an iPad. Yeah, probably. But I don't like touching the screen. I'm not interested in that.

You need a touchpad iPad to go with your iPad. But I had the iPad with the keyboard, and I would still like touching the screen. It's like I don't want to touch the screen and then also like watch stuff on it. Yeah. Not for me. Not for me. Um, all right, cool. Did you finish white Lotus? We didn't even talk about the finale because you had not, you had not seen the last episode when we talked to Adam, AKA Alvin. Yeah. I flew home the next day and I watched the finale on my flight. And?

It was incredible. It was great. It was really great. Did you like the ending? Yeah, 10 out of 10. You were tense and into it. And then when it happened, you were enjoying it? I was, I mean, yeah, I was kind of,

I wouldn't say tense. I was very, yeah, I know I was, I mean, yeah, I was, I was kind of, uh, I wouldn't say tense. I was very, yeah, I know I was, I was definitely like, I was very, very curious. I was a little anxious. Um, and I kept on thinking different people were going to die and I was like, there, I just need to not even think about it. Um, but yeah, they did. They got me. It was great.

Basically, Mike White got you. He stuck the landing he really did um so spoilers abound i guess we should say because i do we're going to talk about it a little bit right yeah i mean we can't but i was just curious if you enjoyed it as much as i did yeah i mean i thought it i thought it was incredible I also just really liked how different this season was while staying kind of the same. Like in the first season, there was a death, but it was really like born out of like a misunderstanding and a lot of like, you know, a perfect storm of stuff. And this season was like also kind of misunderstandings

and perfect storms, but like a really nefarious plot. So that was kind of, that was very interesting. Multiple nefarious plot yeah so that was kind of that was very interesting multiple nefarious plots yeah yeah so that was fun like there was something there wasn't really that much happening in the first one at least like that that evil um so that was fun to play around with yeah and did you notice the uh prostitute like hugging the pimp character at the end was actually a friend of hers and all that stuff? Yeah, I thought that I thought that the entire time that like I never thought that was the pimp. I thought like I saw when she went over to him and they were speaking Italian.

I was like, oh, she's telling him to like be mean to her right now. Oh, that's cool. And then did you get past me? The what was the other part that i saw like a reddit theory for oh like when um cameron erwin uh what's cameron's wife that character me yeah daphne was showing aubrey plaza's character the kids like that's actually my trainer's children that's why yeah that one i did that one i didn't catch i was like that i don't understand what's going on yeah um but yeah then it like so so she's basically telling aubrey plaza i've had an affair and i have somebody else's kids and that's how i like don't feel like a victim because i have this like fucking thing that i can always lord over him uh and then then it was

really funny like thinking back on when he's like flossing his teeth and he's like pissed when he has to go say hi to them and he like just shakes himself out of it and goes like and smiles it's like damn yeah i loved it so that means he knows they have both the healthiest and least healthy relationship i can't tell if like daffy's got it all figured out yeah just do something bad whenever something bad happens to you. And it's like, wait a minute, that just creates a really terrible feedback loop. These people are going to kill each other soon, probably. Right.

They have a pretty insane toxic relationship, but it seems like it works for them. And it seemed like having a normal relationship wasn't working for Ethan and I forget Aubrey Plaza's character's name. Oh, yeah. Harper. Harper, yeah. working for uh ethan and i forget aubrey plaza's character's name oh yeah harper harper yeah i thought he was gonna like kill somebody like the way he likes like he was such a boring twerp of a character and then he slowly gradually got like so intense and mean it was so funny when he's like no you're lying to me you're still lying to me yeah no that was the truth no no i don't believe you yeah and then he just storms out of the room man i was like i

did think i was like wait does one of these guys die but it was too early in the episode so i didn't think that they did do you think they all know like when by the end all four knew everything that happened or there are still secret permutations i think that by the end it seemed like ethan was like i don't care what she does anymore because now i've like learned this way of having an affair to like this like self-soothing uh by being a piece of shit basically yeah and and aubrey plaza's character had learned the same thing and also now ethan isn't mad at her but But does she know that Ethan and Daphne got together? No, I don't think so. I think Daphne is the only one that knows everything.

And I think Cameron doesn't know necessarily exactly what happened, but he's like kind of blissfully unaware. He's like, I'm in this, this is the kind of relationship that I want to be in. I also thought it was fun that he just like, the fact that he paid the prostitutes and it like was kind of nonchalant. Like, yeah, I was always going to get you the money. He seemed like a, you know, a good bad guy by the end.

That was a cool slide when he took it out of his jacket pocket and slid it as he's talking to his wife. Yeah. Solid move. Theo James. What's it like having his number i actually didn't um didn't end up getting it oh all right so it's just me and adam that text him it's theo a good dude like he seems like an awesome guy he's super funny he seems funny yeah i saw this he does a really funny impression of you it's so there's no

way yeah it's rude but it's funny it's like i couldn't recreate it because it's kind of offensive yeah but it's really funny yeah yeah he like pretends to be you offensive yeah it's like fucked up in a in a, but it's funny. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like it's funny. It sounds like you think it's really funny. It's really funny.

It's a really, it's like a really close impression of you, but he like, obviously accentuates. How does he know who I am? Yeah. We talk about you. Me and Adam, we showed him like sad little texts that you send and stuff and like we showed him your tiktok when he thought that was really really funny but not in like a not like a um not really you would like yeah right exactly he's laughing at me yes precisely yeah thanks for clearing that up it's important that you clarify that.

Yeah, that you would be unhappy with him laughing. The way he was laughing at your TikTok. Yeah, I know. He was tackling, but not in a way that was like. I was going to say we got a question that's also kind of about withholding information, lying to your partner and stuff like that. Oh, nice. I love that.

I'm kind of bummed about the Theo James of it all. It's not anything anti-Semitic. It's perfectly in line in that regard. With Semitism, as it were. It's borderline pro. Pro-Semite. All right. This guy. Right. We'll call this guy theo i went on a first date with this

girl i met on hinge who happens to be a friend of a friend i was super nervous on the first date because she's so pretty and used to be a yoga instructor and because i'm a nerdy jew nice she asked me if i did any sports in high school and i said yeah i was on the track team i wasn't on the track team yet i did run 5K races with my friends and trained with him. I feel guilty when when should I tell her about this white lie? Should I tell her about

should I tell her about this white lie? Again, I'm a Jew in medical school and she's awesome so I don't want to ruin this. It seems like a weirder thing to come clean about than to just never bring up again. Like,

does he think that this landed so hard for her that she's like, Oh great. I've always wanted to date an X. Wait, what did he say? Cross country runner. Yeah. It seems like being in medical school is cooler than the cross country team.

Right. He's already doing the hard hard part which is the medical school yeah i would think like if it comes up again like if she brings up oh yeah and you ran cross country in high school you could be like well technically it was just like i was i was doing road races with my friend that's all you really need to say yeah no. We did cross-country distances, but I wasn't on the team team. We didn't have a team because I wasn't on the team. Have you seen my stethoscope? Look, here. I'm a cardiologist, man.

Isn't that cooler than being on the team? Yeah, I don't think. Does it feel like you got a lot of points by being on the team? Yeah, I don't think – does it feel like you got a lot of points by being – On the team. Yeah, I don't think so. Yeah.

If anything, you should lie about doing the medical school and actually have done cross-country. This is the better way to do it. Yeah, definitely. It's definitely harder to be a doctor than to be on cross-country because I was on cross-country. Oh, you were? Yeah, but only

for one um for one season um what did you say what did you did you say what's that was like you have a time like best time race like three miles yeah i did i did i did the best race oh what's your time we don't have to keep on talking nine nine minutes or whatever nine cross nine in cross country yeah you do you get a score and you get a time and you get a distance and i'm curious what yours were for what fucking course you're not even asking like the right questions so i can't they're all roughly two to three miles or something they're yeah and i got what was your fastest mile time 11 or uh six six five and a half four so one's a world record the other one incredibly slow yeah what's the most normal what's like pretty good 6 30 6 35 so i was pretty normal

could have done better i had a long weekend that weekend i got also a wrestler a little help for my friend i wore a singlet to a hallow and got concussed. Into a cross-country race. I was so high I wore my football pads to my cross-country race. I got my sports mixed up. Can you believe that? So the advice here is to sort of backpedal away from the truth without fully admitting. Just never bring it up again. Never bring it up again.

Cross-country adjacent. I was running in high school. Maybe I was on the team, maybe not. Maybe you misunderstood me because it's been three months. Did I mention I'm going to be a fucking internist? Not an intern, an internist. Yeah, you could take it a step further and just kind of gaslight her over the whole thing. So you don't bring it up.

And the next time she does, you say, what? I never said I was on cross country. I think I'd remember that. I'm a doctor. Like, I remember a lot of stuff in medical school yeah my penmanship is fucked up i can't like when i write prescriptions it's all sloppy but i'm pretty sure i never said that you're gaslighting me yeah that's perfect gaslighting rules you say the other person is gaslighting you we shouldn't even be talking about this.

Yeah, that's a perfect way. You sort of take a stern tone of voice. What's happening right now? I feel like I'm under oath. Courtney, that's enough. Courtney, drop it. Courtney, I beg of you. Let's just drop it. Let's drop it. Let's drop it. Drop it. Hey, hey, drop it. you, let's just drop it. Let's move on. Drop it. Hey, drop it. Yeah, like my dog. You ever walk your dog.

Courtney, leave it. You ever walk your dog and notice him not only eating something, but he fully swallowed it. And you're like, I don't know what that was. There's no way that was a good thing. He was sniffing something and now he's swallowing it. Yeah. I mean, I shoot my hand in his mouth and pull out whatever he's eating all the time.

I'm sure there have been things that I missed. Yeah, the grossest was he, yeah, he was eating like we were upstate and he like was running around in this field that was really great. And then he started like sniffing something. And then I just noticed he was just kind of like casually eating goose shit. Oh my God, goose shit. Oh, my God. Goose shit. Yeah. And he would like run and then you'd always go back to this like mound of shit and like kind of try to eat it.

And I was like, all right, we're, you know, we're in this majestic field. You can run everywhere and you want to just eat turds. That's like when I walk Luke, sometimes he sniffsiffs like piss he gets like really close and he's like i had to like drink it like no you can smell the piss see if there's piss you don't have to taste it you know it's piss just piss on the piss and we'll be on our merry way because then later you're gonna lick my ear and that will have piss on it now because you yeah you licked some other dog's piss and i take him to the store we go to the pet store together and i hold up different bones and i let him choose the one that he wants and it's super cute but then sometimes he'll be going home he's like i want to eat this plastic bag i'm like i just fucking

went with you to the store i just took you shopping and you want to eat off of the road yeah last week there were for whatever reason our neighbors like threw away fucking like goose clams on the street yeah it was so foul there's like broken clams on the sidewalk and in the in the street and we couldn't walk past it without dingo just like fucking darting at it like please let me eat the broken shards of clam shells i'm so curious yeah i would imagine so i i honestly think the most disgusting thing luke's ever eaten was your mom's cooking when i'm just joking like he'll have piss but like i think the grossest thing is like your mom's

maybe your fucking mom's cooking how about the grossest thing Luke ever tasted was your mom's fucking pussy piece of shit yeah oh my god why don't you not say anything about my mother all right it's a it was a fucking light-hearted chap It's actually my mom's birthday today. You're talking about some really depraved bestiality shit. All I did was like. Yeah, you started it. You said something really offensive about my mom. You know that I love my mom's cooking.

And I feel like. Who cares? God, now I can't fucking get that image out of my head. Of Luke going down on your mother? Let's take a break. Let's absolutely take a break. I think we should. Yeah.

I think we both need that right now. A hard reset. A full day reset. Yeah. and we'll come back after these messages okay thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. AndT-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we have returned. Yep. Before I forget, have you seen the hilariously Jake and Amir-esque thing Elon Musk tweeted yesterday? Oh, yeah.

Should I resign from Twitter? I'll do whatever the poll says. They said he should resign, and now he has to resign is he gonna do it i think so i think so that's a very funny thing for my character to do it's like uh hey everyone should i fucking quit this job or you still want me around oh wow fucking instant majority and these are my followers saying that we We've made those jokes on Reddit. Yeah, and everyone upvoted it. No, you got 1,000 down votes, man.

That's right. Should I step down as head of Twitter? 57% said yes. That sucks. It seems like he wants the out, right? Like he should just, yeah, he can still own it. He doesn't have to run it. Yeah.

Just fucking appoint somebody else. You're obviously not doing it well. But he likes being in charge. Yeah. He could do something else. If it was a backfire, that would have been very funny. And if it's part of a grand plan, then that's also kind of funny. Because then you know for a fact that they're going to vote yes. It's like if it was part of your grand plan then that's also kind of funny because then you know you know for a fact

that they're gonna vote yes it's like right if it was part of your plan he's like now i'm gonna tweet it and everyone's gonna vote yes oh wait me yeah then i'll fucking peace out of here i already fired everyone this place sucks 57 is like a close enough loss that he doesn't even i don't really even know how you how you react to it herschel walker got more than 42 so like uh you're you're that's a fucking landslide in this economy i guess you're right anyway salt bay is now the ceo fair bay I love that. Okay. Should we answer another question? Mm-hmm. Holiday party overload. Tis the season.

Let's see. How many of my boyfriend's holiday parties am I legally required to attend? My family lives far away, and I'm not invited to my friend's holiday parties anymore. This means that holiday parties are mostly a series of parties with the BF's friends and the BF's families. Not sure most of them are great and shit, but it's also fucking exhausting. And now he wants me to go to his ex-co-worker's holiday party in the city

an hour and a half away. Am I a bitch if I tell him to go by himself so I can get one fucking second of peace this Christmas season? We're in our mid-20s, if that matters. No, no. And I think actually we should be normalizing telling people to go to parties by themselves.

It is very nice. It's nice when Avital is a party where I don't really know anybody. It's not like a core friend. It's more like a friend of a friend. And she'll be like, I can go by myself. You don't need to be there. I'm like, that's i'll stay off and tell me that too she'll most of the time she tells me not to come she's like you shouldn't come like you're not invited we're

like doing a trial separation why are you showing up at my fucking parents house right now like i'm on a date trial separation is that like i think it's trial but i feel like i'm on trial and she thinks we're separated and i can see why i wouldn't want you at parties you're a very intense energy right i think we have one more fucking shot in us and i think why not go for it four strikes and i'm out no i think, you can. I think it's nice to be like, you know, sometimes we have an opposite problem where like somebody is like, I don't want you to go to this party because like they're jealous or something. Like that would be a weirder thing. If your boyfriend wants to go to holiday parties and you're like, no, I want you to stay home because you'll cheat on me if you leave.

Yeah, that's bad. That's bad. But if he's like, I want to go to this party and you're like i don't you should go you should have fun awesome who cares that's great yeah that's i could see it not being good if you do it to literally every party then it's like well is there anything you do want to do with the boyfriend because maybe you could guide towards doing that but if it's like this is a pretty off-brand holiday party it's there's there's a couple steps of it's an ex-co-worker and it's an hour and a half away you can be like it's not that's not a game i'm not coming to that one are you pro at going to um like do you enjoy going to any party

or are there some parties where like i don't need to make small talk with 18 strangers that I'll never meet again. Yeah, I enjoy going to most parties, but not every party. There are some parties where like that wasn't worth me attending. Yeah, I sometimes don't love like a long dinner party where I don't know everybody and I'm not entirely sure where I'm going to end up at the table. And then I have to sit next to like somebody's new boyfriend that they brought. And it's going to be like two hours. You know, that's not really my vibe. But I think for the most part, I'm usually pro party.

You can at least enjoy yourself at every party. Yeah. New York is a social city. And I feel like I see a lot of people. What are your thoughts on game nights? Jill's ever getting invited to a game night? No, we don't ever, we don't really ever do them. Though we had, Jeff

came over last night with his girlfriend and we played a game. We played Codenames and that was fun. But I don't think I would be like, if it's Saturday night and somebody's like, oh yeah, come over to my place. It's a game night. I would be like, we should just go to a bar. We should That's the game I like to play.

Yeah. It's code name, but one where you're like, you have to like say like a clue that has like those three items, but no other items. And people have to guess. Yeah. It's like a grid of words. And you have to say like a one word that can associate like as many. Yeah. As many as you can. Like you get like a specific grid.

So like there's a map that's like, these are all the blue squares. These are all the red squares. So I'm like trying to take the words that are on part of the blue squares and get Jill to guess as many of them as she can. Right. And then if she doesn't get it, are you supportive emotionally or do you find yourself frustrated that you're on the losing team? Or it doesn't really matter who wins So I think it's funny that we lose. But actually last night we won and that was great. But at one point she did say safari and one of the words was Amazon.

And I was like, it has like Amazon, right? And it was wrong. I was like, why would you? Oh wait, no, there was another one that was really funny. She, oh, she said clothes too. And the clothes, and then there were another one that was really funny. Oh, she said clothes too. And the clothes, and I was like talking out loud. I was like, all right, so there's pants. I know that's going to be clothes.

And then there's also cloak and there's gloves. And I'm like, I'm not sure which one you meant because there could all be clothes. And I was like, I'll just go ahead and guess gloves. And then that was the spy card. That's the one you want me not to guess at all. You get that, right? Yeah. I was like, you have to just, you know,

err away from any clue that would have me maybe guess gloves. That's an insta-loss. But we worked it out. We worked it out. We had a screaming match outside for two hours. And then we came in and played a game. But everyone was pretty quiet. But we did win handily

i think because jeff and emily kept skipping their turns and i was like okay great yeah they are definitely they're like pass yeah they were so they're so muted and they're just like pass we'll pass two hours screaming match and then they passed what do you think that yeah they ever they didn't want to they were afraid of you man you're sometimes you can ice out the competition just by like you know removing yourself for a while they get a little cold they probably saw the strategy to it i bet they respected it they respected us in the end what did did it end like in a happy place when everyone parted mutually or was it more like uh yeah did they i didn't say goodbye but it wasn't it was an irish they didn't say goodbye but it

wasn't it was an irish yeah they irished it was an irish date the irish they were like jeff's like i have to use the bathroom. And I saw him head out. And I was like, that's odd. I saw him not go to the bathroom. His lady just started crying and started sort of walking towards the door. And I said, are you Irish? Are you really Irish-ing right now? I wish you would stay.

I wish you a Merry Christmas, Jeff. I really wish you a Merry Christmas. And a happy Rish Rish. There's also less holiday parties I've noticed this year. Maybe I'm just less getting older, but there's not as many holiday parties for me. Maybe it's a COVID thing or something. Maybe, yeah.

I mean, Micah had one, and then Jill had one at work that was like a happy hour in the office at like 3 p.m., so I wasn't even invited to that one. More casual. Yeah, I mean, we didn't do anything for HeadGum. Yeah, we had a dinner. Oh, yeah, you guys had a dinner oh yeah you guys had a dinner and then everyone had that um

we did uh we did this secret santa thing man i don't i'm sorry because last time we did secret santa you got really really really offended and upset the whole time so yeah yeah yeah i did because i bought alex berkman a fucking diamond necklace okay an eight thousand dollar necklace the max is 20 bucks so if you get somebody an eight thousand dollar necklace yeah and then i get socks from pile is that like i just don't even see how anybody wouldn't have also gotten as pissed as i did they would have if they did and anybody's saying that i soured the mood of the party is wrong because he soured the mood pile soured the mood when he gave me socks oh that's really because i was rightfully upset. That doesn't make me sour.

That made him the sourer. So yeah, we did that this week. That's awesome. What did Pyle get? He got a diamond necklace, man. Like, I don't know how to tell you. I guess Berkman was fucking inspired. Yeah.

And he looked absolutely glamorous in it. i've never seen him glow like that stunning he was ravishing is that what you want me to tell you he was absolutely breathtaking all glitz and glamour and pomp and circumstance circumstance. It was piled to a T slash fault. Fair. Alright, final advice. You don't have to go to every holiday party. You don't have to go to every party. Take and choose.

That's right. And it's also fun when somebody else goes to a party you have a free night. Free nights are great. I love that. Love a free night. Okay, that's it. That's our time. Free nights are great. I love that. Love a free night. Okay. That's it. That's our time. Thank you for listening. Last episode of

2022, I believe, will be back. It'll be January. Wow. She! She! But if you want more, there's still more of us on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. Just because it's the holidays doesn't mean we're taking a week off.

That's correct. Hell nah. we're taking a week off. That's correct. Hell nah. We're still there watching Jake and Amir videos. That's right. So check those out. We'll be back here next Monday. Appreciate your patronage.

That fucking first song was intense. I don't know how many of you guys want to hear it again, but here it is. It's by, again, Matthew Pope. That's a good reminder for me to donate to his. To donate. Yeah. That's right. His swimming charity situation thing. Kick in a diamond necklace for me.

There's no way it's 8,000 to give him 8,000. It's a lot. It's a lot. Let me double check that it is Matthew Pope. Okay. Yep, Matthew Pope. All right. Great.

Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week. Bye. Sure will. All right. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week. Bye. Sure will. Speaking of safe and risky, Bitcoin down 200 since we started this episode. No way. My father told me beware the chipmunk who calls himself Shmuel. Hark, this is Shmuel I'm gonna sell

All my Bitcoin All of it going ding Dong Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Welcome to Yes, it's a mirror, this is my year Time for a change, flex out my range Fuck all the fans, screw all the stans

My name is Shmuel, welcome to Which is my quick focus Like I'll take to a book, I'll come to a book So call me that My name is Shmuel Ten years on baby, one thing I've learned Clean if you will, Jake is a straighter Happy Hanukkah to you

Look I'm sorry Killed you Maybe I just got burned But it's burned too many times By this surfer dude Only witness to too many crimes Too many blunders Macro map

Words like even crime numbers But your numbers up Time to put you to sleep This well close for thee Give me time as you weep Give me time as you weep He said we'll meet To feed the chipmunks. And all these crypto-emperors.

And bankrupt banknotes free. Ten years, when will it stop? Who will go first? Jake. Got let down all. Today I get laid off. Schmeltz bells. I'm cursed.

Fuck, nearly 40. But it's cool now. I get it. I have a part to play till I die from my dieting. But not yet. Not today. I'm cursed, fuck nearly 40, but it's cool now I get it, I have a part to play till I die from my dieting But not yet, not today, I'm no diabetic I'm playing cause I sweat it, I make the slam dunk Take the monk out of chipmunk, I'm no smoke fryer That's right, I'm not ascetic, and I swivel like a 5'10 squirrel

The next gen nuts, I'm not talking about the balls in my jeans That make jakes look like skittles, I'm talking about trees What I store in every seed that I gather, whatever the weather I'm conscientious, freeze a catch to a few for the winner Never poor never late always punctual keep every almond and date like as my nieces no But you better like waiting cuz baby is cold outside and this was hibernating Part of the show This baby is cold outside and this was hibernating. Heart to the schmall. Shut up, Ital.

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