Segments - 574: Condom Wrapper

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

In this episode we discuss golfing, bartending, and yes: WORDLE. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Quick reminder that the Hedgum Happy Hour, which is a monthly live show that we have. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Indeed.

Is coming to not only LA, but New York this month. First show ever in New York City. So January 12th, which is very soon, at UCB Franklin at, I think, I want to say, don't quote me on this, though this is accurate information. Yes,

though this is an ad for the show that is soon. 8.30 p.m. January 12th, UCB Franklin. 100%. Lock it in. In LA. Yeah.

And then on the 27th, me and you are hosting in New York. That's right. You're coming to New York. Your first time in a while. I'm going to be the only one at both shows. That's wild. That's crazy.

Very cool. And though that might not be true, it's fun to say and speak. You and I haven't done a show together since the summer, since Montreal. Yes. So this is the first time coming. We're hosting January 27th at Caveat, 9.30 p.m. in New York, January 12th in L.A. Hopefully you guys are around these cities around those dates so you can come and join us. Yeah, come through.

Tickets are available where? HeadGum.com slash live. That's just a shot in the dark, but I think that's accurate. That's got to be right. That's got to be right. A bunch of funny comedians at both shows. And actually, it's a completely new set of comedians at both shows. So if you want to you

can go to the january 12th one and then the january 27th one just like amir you can go to both you can travel across the country and sort of like follow both shows they'll be completely and i don't want to you know promise this to everyone but we'll let's just say we'll reimburse you for your airfare and hotel if you want to go to both not the the hotel. There's no way for the hotel. Fine. Airfare? Airfare. We'll reimburse you for your flight. You can't upgrade to like even more leg room. Delta Comfort. It has to be base. Delta Comfort. Base. Okay.

Spirit. With a stop. With a layover. If you fly Spirit with a stop, I'll Venmo you $39. I'll cover that cost. You don't even have to go to the show. Yeah. Anybody that flies Spirit deserves money from me. That's right.

Okay. And if you miss these shows for whatever reason, it's also a podcast, a video that we're uploading to the HeadGum Happy Hour feed. That's right. So follow that. Watch them, listen, enjoy. See you soon. Fly across the country. Thank bye everybody this is a head gum original fine If I were you, for sure. If I were you, for sure. If I were you, for sure.

Nice. Banjo style. Yeah. Banjo Kazooie. That's actually exactly the instrument that I learned for that song. I didn't realize you played the banjo on that tune. All right. It wasn't me. It was Calvin Yeager.

Yeager. I've previously submitted five theme songs, technically seven, but you missed two. Nice. Which are re-included in this email. I'm also submitting another seven theme songs for a grand total of 14. Whoa. And then I'm retiring. I really have better shit to do.

On a more personal note, the last time I submitted a batch of theme songs, I was halfway through a PhD in biochemistry. Wow. And I've now finished it. And I want to thank you guys for keeping up. If I were you, it means so want to thank you guys for keeping up. If I were you, it means so, so much to so, so many.

That's very, very nice. Our podcast has been going on for so many. Our pod has been going on for so long, we could have gotten a PhD in biochemistry instead. Fuck, we've wasted our time.

We've wasted our lives. Ten years almost. Yeah, we could have done so much better. We could wasted our lives. Ten years almost. Yeah, we could have done so much better. We could have gone to medical school and been doctors. We could have been more than this. We helped Calvin become a doctor in biochem. I feel like we should get a piece of that. Would you say we should get 1% of his annual salary moving forward?

In perpetuity. It's not a big deal to him. Right, because it's just 1%. Yeah, and it'd make a big difference to us if we got that from enough doctors. Basically, if you're a doctor and you listen to our podcast as you were in doctor school,

we technically own that IP. Yeah, yeah. How does it work, doctors? Like, do they get paid biweekly through the hospital? Is there a way that they can almost like, you know how you cut some of that off pre-tax to a 401k? This would be a 401j. Yeah. That's actually really interesting.

That's a good business model for us. Right. Because for other people, it's barely, it's a drop in the bucket. Yeah. It's 1% of the salary. You're probably paying more in in like dental yeah exactly your eye insurance that you're never fucking using yes exactly yeah so we'll find we'll try to like figure out a way to make you break even but if we helped you become the doctor that you are today you wouldn't be there without us he literally said that he said that you do so much for so much to so many it's like yeah that's and that's actually binding yeah

because that is like so so many and that's one percent of everyone or every doctor i'm not going to take everybody's salary but if you're a doctor i think right that's get a piece of that let's say what's the annual salary for a doctor 225225K. Let's say $215. $215K at like a really nice university or a lab or something like that. Right, right, right. $215 times 1% is $2150.

That's annual. Yeah. But for us to split just $1,000 or so bucks, we need, that's not enough for us. Right. But for him, it's not. How many, how many people,

how many doctors do you think listen to the show? Maybe 80. 80? Yeah. So that's 160K a year. Just pre-tax, not even taxed at all for us.

And that's cash in hand for us to have it. Right. Because that's technically a gift, which we don't have to pay taxes on. Yeah, because I mean, who's doing our bookkeeping?

You and I? Yeah. And I i think i'm trying to catch up on all like the legalese tax code whatever the fuck yeah but i think if we get that money pre-tax that's not money that we're necessarily owing to uncle sam i think not because at a certain point that's just recouping costs for us those are already write it off or something like that we could say like this cost we're in the studio today so if you're watching this we could say like the cameras cost like $21,000 or whatever we can figure it out studio space costumes

makeup Casey will say that we're paying him $48,000 for a session yeah you just have to write that as income for you which will be like a drop in the bucket income wise and then we're making an extra Yeah, you just have to write that as income for you, which will be like a drop in the bucket. Yeah. Income-wise. And then we're making an extra $21.50 times $80, $172, $175 grand. And I think it's all pre-tax.

That's net. And that's gross. It's gross to think that you think we should not get that and we should have to pay taxes on that yeah which is nice like that's a you better bet that's net that's a big deal that's a cool thing for us to have that's like not worrying about an expense or something it should something because we took the risk we actually took the risk up front because we decided to not be doctors we carried that burden we said we won't be doctors so other people can be doctors. We carried that burden. We said we won't be doctors.

So other people can be doctors. Now we get a piece of that IP. Now we get a piece of that IP. We need a piece of the IP. Obviously, they should make the majority, the vast majority of their money. I'm not opposed to taking 2%. Because I think it's a little, it's actually gross that you and I split 1%. That's nothing.

That's tacky. I was thinking 1% each. Yeah. When I said 1%, it was 1% each. And I feel like it got lost in translation at some point. Which is so, yeah, that was me trying to be nice when I didn't like, I have to be selfish at a certain point.

I think you've been nice for a decade. Exactly. And I think, what's this guy's name? Jaeger? It doesn't fucking matter. This guy's a joke. He's being selfish. He's being a selfish. And let's, what's this guy's name? Yeager? It doesn't fucking matter. This guy's a joke. He's being selfish. He's being a little selfish. He's being a selfish. And let's say it's $215,000 salary for a doctor. Let's up that to $300,000.

Even if he doesn't make it. I think $300,000 base. He should make up the difference. Right, exactly. Base. Base. $300,000 base, 2% to me. Okay?

And then- Wait, so that's different though. Because you said 1 percent to you but two percent i'll dole it out i'll pay you i'll pay you your one percent one ish percent one ish percent yeah one percent because now you're talking about getting six grand from this guy yeah six times 80 and then you invoice me that's 480k per year 400 okay great and what are you doing with the half a million that you're skimming off the top? I'm not skimming anything off the top.

I'm doling that out as appropriate. I have to pay Casey. I have to pay the studio cause. I have to pay your talent fee. Pay me the talent fee? Yeah, the 2% that I earn. I should be a W2 employee for you. I don't want to have to pay taxes.

This should all be pre-tax. You'll give me a 1099. You will give me a 1099. You will invoice me and I will pay you from the 2%. Of the 480, I'm getting half of that. Do you see what that is on the screen? That's a golden

goddamn mic, right? So why would I pay you equally for your turdy-ass performance? So if you're making 480, what do you think? And I'll pay you from the net, not the gross. Or I'll pay you from the net, not the gross. Or I'll pay you from the gross, actually. I'll pay you from the gross.

So what do you imagine me getting at the end of the day? If you're getting $480 per year. Pre-tax. Pre-tax. I'll give you $48 as well. So $480 for me, $48K for you. I'll give you 48 as well so 480 for me 48k for you I don't

think I should have to dip below 4 annually for what I've provided to the medical community I'm this was my idea and now I'm I'm this was my idea and now I'm being almost

you're talking about paying Casey more than me which is fine I mean I totally appreciate his work and his effort pre-tax you're getting a bear hug

right now I'm getting an absolute I'm getting squeezed out of my own company you're getting pushed out the back door yes do you want the 48k or no?

I'll take the 48k because if the alternative is zero, that's a real slap in the face. So I do appreciate the 48K. It's a slap in the face. It's a drop in the bucket. But it will be pre-taxed. It will be pre-taxed. It's not paying tax. Not paying Uncle Sam.

No. And I'd refuse to get audited. That's not up to me. That's not up to me at all. I'm just saying if I get audited, there should be a fee. If you get a bonus that triggers if you get audited. That's fair. Because I think under 50K, you're probably safe from an audit.

Well, I do a lot of kind of quasi-legal things that raise not red, but pink flags. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of little triggers and like weird nefarious shit. Right. Dealing with offline, crypto, this, that, and the other. Yes. That's going to raise some eyebrows.

Yeah. Several pink flags. Pink flags. I didn't know that happens. Yeah. Pretty audited right now. than audited i'm getting aggressively pursued by the ir agents yeah agents are knocking down the fucking windbreakers outside my apartment every single day trying to intimidate literally a fucking tank drove by my house answer me that why would they need to do that

other than to just try the town car parked outside all the time they know that i know what they're doing um yeah that's been that's been fun yeah appreciate that cool yeah fun business time uh no all right we still got some time. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. Right. We are back in the lab. It is 2023. In the studio.

In utero. Yes. In the studio slash utero. And it's awesome to be back together. This is, by the way, 2023, the year of our Lord. I don't know if you know this, but I was born in 83. Whoa. So 83 plus 40, 23.

You- We finally made it. Are about to be a 40-year-old man. Yeah. Middle age. Well, not really 40 as middle-aged. I thought that was a 50 thing. Is it?

I thought 50 or 60. Because 60 is the new 40. I wouldn't say that. Do you think most people live to be 100? Not the way I live, but yeah. I mean, I think you have 45 years left total. Yeah. And the last five are probably not the fun five.

Let's just say that much right now. You're definitely through. I've done the fun 40. You're in the twilight of your life, I'd say. I've got a fun 40. you're in the twilight of your life i'd say i've done the fun 40. yeah yeah yeah you've done the fun 40. fun 40 is back half rear view mirror i have memories of stuff yeah you certainly peaked in terms of physical professional mental yeah yeah i don't get it's all downhill Yeah. I don't get. It's all downhill from here. I don't get recognized anymore.

Yeah. I realized. I go out and I'm actively trying. I'll wear the Jake and Amir shirts. I'll go to college parties. Yeah. You wear the glasses again, right? When you go out.

The old glasses. You do the faux hawk. I'll go to college humor style parties. I wonder. Do you ever think about like just if you gave your just if you could try to give yourself that makeover? Like what if we gave you the glasses, the buzz cut, the fresh shit, the no beard. Yeah. And we just put you in like one of your old collared shirts.

I think that would be sadder. Yeah. Definitely. You have a different look now. But I wonder what it would look like if we just like... It's like when rock stars still dress like rock stars, but they're 79. Yeah, yeah. The bandana.

Yeah. It's cooler to just be like Bruce Springsteen. It's like he's aging gracefully. Aged gracefully, for sure. I want to see you with a faux hawk. I want to see you with cargo shorts. The mattress pants, one more time. Sketchers.

Put me in a yellow belt. Handlebar mustache. Yeah. That would be our, that's our tour poster for when we turn 60 and we're trying to like squeeze some more shows out of our bodies. That's good. That's good. But for now, I might look too similar to the naked eye. Yeah.

But once I'm completely gray, like the Blink-182 posters, they're like almost entirely gray. Yeah, yeah. Entirely gray faux hawk is a cool look. Yeah. Which I'm, you know, you're almost there, but not entirely fully there yet. Your hair is grayer than your beard is, right? Yeah. You have some good, I've been pulling the gray hair out of my beard.

I just, when I see one, I doink it out. Yeah. But I'm pulling more and more beard hairs out these days. Do you have any gray hair? No. It almost looks like your hair is getting browner. Like it used to be blonde and now it's pretty dark. Interesting.

Well, it's kind of wet right now. Right. But even when it's dry, it feels browner than it used to be. It used to be kind of blonde. Yeah. I think when I lived in California, my hair was blonder. And now? There's less sun in the city.

It gets a little browner. Doesn't that say it all? I guess so. Yeah. But I'm thinking about dyeing my beard. Jet black. And I might get a tattoo of an American flag on my fucking shoulder. So nobody's really known.

Jet black beard. Jet black beard, American flag at the base, right on the middle of the, mid-neck tattoo. That's cool. And a motorcycle at Sturgis Rally in South Dakota. That's cool. That's really cool Sturgis Rally in South Dakota. That's cool. That's really cool. I'm just walking it, though, because I can't ride it.

On a leash. A motorcycle on a fucking leash. I'm there on a fucking, at the Sturgis Rally, I'm on a Revel. Just a little blue scooter from New York. All right, let's see if we can answer some questions. Actually, how long has it been? It might be break time, and if we can answer some questions. Actually, how long has it been? It might be break time and then we can answer some questions. About 15 minutes.

Great, 15 minutes. Let's call it there. Let's take a break. Thanks for sponsoring. We'll come back and then really answer some questions. Yeah. Enough is enough.

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That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one,

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments.

You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code Hell yeah. Segments? Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Yeah. I recently bought a new water bottle. Okay. A bottle of water?

No, not a bottle of water. A travel water bottle thing. Those are called water bottles, aren't they? Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I bought a new one. Like not a a swell or a hydro flask but a nalgene third option i got the one i got was just from nike i found it in the

store okay but i'll tell you what i like about it and this is my unsolicited advice because for a long time i've always had the travel water bottle for a long long time yeah years even before it was cool i was actually the first one that ever had one. Ever? Yeah, I was the first person to ever own one. No. I think so. I don't think so at all.

Really? Who do you think was the first one, then? Because who sold it to you? They were obviously... I bought it at Trader Joe's, but it was like 2011. That's late. So the one that I have is a flip up

straw oh yeah the click up yeah for a long time I was doing the twist off drink and yeah

and I just realized like I think I was like watching myself on zoom and every time I drank I was like like this and show people the bottom of my neck yeah

I think just I think drinking makes you look a little needy. Yeah. It's tacky. It makes you look weak. It's tacky. It's like you're the hamster.

Suckling at the teat of capitalism. Yes, exactly right. But now you're just like, fucking raw dogging a plastic straw. Looks like I'm saluting it. You're casual. It's low. Let's see if that.

Get off to the side. Off to the side? There's no way. Like you're chewing on. You're casual. It's low. Let's see. You do it off to the side. Off to the side? There's no way. Like you're chewing on a cigar? Yeah, just fucking. Yeah, yeah, exactly right. Exactly right. Straw.

Easy. You don't have to tilt your head up. Water come to me. Like, yeah. But that's cool. It's like you're drinking a beer. You never like drink beer. I drink everything out of a straw now.

Whiskey or? Straw. Cosmos? Straw. Mai Tais? Straw. Majitos? Straw.

All straws. All straw. All day. Red wine? Straw. Major straw. Because you don't want to stain your teeth. Exactly.

Exactly. So you're saying the straw is more, I guess, masculine than drinking? It's not about being masculine. It's just about being powerful. And the straw does that for you. The straw makes me feel confident.

It makes me feel confident in a way that I didn't know I could before. For me, that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Nice. That's why I got a camelback. Cam. For me, that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Nice. That's why I got a camelback. Camelback actually makes a very nice straw water flask. Really?

Yes. They make a very good one. So my little story about the straw that broke the camelback, that isn't necessarily the camelback. Yeah, the straw actually fixed the camelback. It made the camelback. And that's the backpack that you wear? Well, they also, I mean, they make a water bottle too, which is, it's honestly excellent. It's quite excellent. So you've moved on from one non-strawless water bottle to a straw water bottle. Yeah. Yeah. And that's my unsolicited advice. And I do think it's going to change

your life for the better. Interesting. You ever put non-water liquids in there? The most I'll do is if I'm at a place, you know, sometimes in like a hotel lobby, they'll have like the infused water with like limes or something. I'll do something like that. Yeah. But other than that, just water. No. You're not putting caffeine in there. Would never. Should never. I got a question from a 22 year old girl from New Jersey. Cool. Let's call her Bruce Springsteen. That's really cool. Did you see the Howard Stern, Bruce Springsteen thing?

There was like an interview on HBO Max. It's like Bruce Springsteen's first appearance on the Howard Stern show. Does Howard Stern make him write a Sibian? He throws ham on his ass while Baba Booey reads

tweets. God, you're hot. No, he actually has a lot of reverence and respect for the boss. Yeah. Everybody's been saying for a long time, what a great interviewer Howard Stern has become, but I haven't I've never listened to his show. Right. I mean, not since Jenna Jameson

was on it. Was he, is he good? Did you watch it? I only started to watch it. I like Bruce Springsteen, but I don't know or care enough about him to hear about his childhood and stuff. He had a podcast with Obama and I didn't listen to it. Right. I didn't even think I would. I would be more inclined to listen to Howard Stern interviewing Bruce Springsteen in the raunchy manner.

Right. I want him to be like, who do you fuck? Who do you fuck? That's what I want to know. Did you ever go out with Pamela Anderson? Yeah, she's the hottest girl you fuck. Will you play, I don't know, Thunder Road? Nice.

I'm a 22-year-old girl from New Jersey, writes Bruce, and I just graduated with my master's degree in HR. I've been working as a nanny for the last six months, but I'm quitting this week because the kid often kicks me and I no longer feel like dealing with that. Yeah. I've been applying to corporate jobs and interviewing for some, and I haven't really gotten any offers. All my friends around my age who are working full time are telling me not to jump the gun and to take a break before I start a real career. I'm torn between wanting to work as a bartender or waitress and live down the shore for the summer or actually starting a nine to five job. I feel like having a summer of fun is a good idea, but I also don't want to feel like I wasted my time in college and grad school.

What are your thoughts? Should I go be a BevCart girl at a golf course and let creepy old men give me money in exchange for serving beer while wearing a tennis skirt? Or should I start taking this job hunt more seriously and take any real job that I can get? Anyway, love the show, Amir. I would say congrats on the turdy, but I need you to answer my question, not debate about that for five minutes. Fair. Okay. Okay. You think I... uh oh come on

oh she brings up a good point have you made your decision for this episode it's not even worth it's still up for grabs it's still up for grabs and i beg you not to derail the episode too much that's cool yeah I agree. You worked at a golf course once. Yeah, I did. I was a caddy and then I also worked in the snack bar. The BevCartGirl is something I learned about through TikTok. There's like TikToks of me as a BevCartGirl

where it's like, it's almost like a Hooters waitress, but giving beer from a golf cart to golfers. Did that exist in your golf course? Not when I was there. It might be a specific thing or maybe not every. I would have been very aware of that.

I was 19 and very horny. Right. But we didn't have those. We were the snack bar boys though. Which was, you don't have to like drive around. You stayed at the. Yeah. But we sat at, we stayed, Me and my friend Steve worked at the pool

and we would just kind of like put curly fries in the deep fryer. That's cool. Give people hot dogs. Oh, really? You used to make the fries? I mean, make them

in the sense that you just put them in the hot... Yeah, you throw them in the fryer and they start to float when they're ready, basically. And then you take the little cage out. Take them out,

shake it out, dump it in, salt them. There you go. Did you ever eat some or cage out. Take them out, shake it out, dump it in, salt them. There you go. Did you ever eat some or steal some off plates? Yeah. I mean, we made food all the time. Right. But did you steal the food before it got to the plate?

Oh, no. I didn't steal somebody else's food. Right. But if we're having a slow day, I'd make some fries. That's cool. That's for free or you have to pay for that? Of course it's free. It's one of the perks of being here.

Yes. Or were you stealing from the company? I was stealing. What's the name of your golf course? I'd like to actually file an official complaint. I mean, they did hate me by the end. Right. I quit by not showing up anymore.

Got it. At the end of the summer. I was too afraid to talk to my boss and tell him I was going on vacation for two weeks. Yeah. So rather than tell him I was going on vacation at the end of the summer, I just never came back. Yeah. And that was it. I had a job in high school and I'm wondering now, like, how did I get paid for that? Like, did I have a bank account at age 17 that I deposited checks into?

I don't even remember that. Yeah. I mean, I know I did not have a bank account yet and i gave my checks to my dad so you just worked give it to your dad your dad would give you the money yeah he gave me money whenever i needed it yeah it was almost like my dad was my bank i would because i at the time i was saving up for a car so i wasn't like i didn't need to have access to any money i was basically just like giving him checks non-stop yeah is this? And I would send them links to cars on autotrader.com. Yeah. And they're like, no, you've made $900 and you need $21,000. I definitely was not keeping track of how much money I made. And I don't think

I made enough money to buy a car, not really a sense to me the idea of like working a nine-to-five you don't like is possibly worse than just getting a summer job because you're it's not going to lead anywhere you're not even having fun at that yeah starting down a career path that you don't want to be in is a worse look than not working, I think. Right. It's harder to change industries than it is to like take time and think about what you want to do. And also being 23, it's like it's, it feels like time slipping away, but that's very, very early. Yeah. She was even 22, even before that. Even better. So you, I don't know how she finished grad school so early

at age 22. I was thinking because bachelor's is just four years college. Yeah. Master's is what, six? I think it depends on the field. It's like an extra two to six years. I'm wondering if we should get a piece of... Oh my god. If you have a master's. She didn't even

say that she was listening to the show that much. Yeah. Yeah. She's't even say that she was listening to the show that much. Yeah. Yeah. She's barely, now she's wondering if she should take a high paying job. Now I see kind of why you're angling for that a little bit. I'm just saying like, yeah, Matt, because I don't want to limit it to just doctors. Right. PhD. Or should we say.

She had a master's degree in HR and she was talking about becoming a bar cart girl. By the way, a lot of it is tips and there's no way she's going to keep track of that and give us 2%. Yeah. Why don't we, when you first, I think we work it into the W-2 when you get your first job. That's neither here nor there. We'll iron out the details of getting some cash from this. Yeah. I think the advice is to take the higher paying job. It seems like,

right. I need, I need some action on the salary. That's what I'm saying. I've also, I think the, if your major is in, it's in,

oh, HR. Hmm. Yeah. For some reason, for a second, I thought that was the same thing as hospitality and it's not. Right.

Oh, you're saying you can justify it. Be like, oh, I was a golf bar cart girl. Right. And now that helped me get my next job. Right. Oh, you're saying you can justify it. Be like, oh, I was a golf bar cart girl. And now that helped me get my next job. Right, exactly. Which is being an HR person.

But I think like you graduate college, you're allowed to have like one job on your resume that is not entirely related to your field as you're searching. Yeah. Easy. And first summer after college seems like prime time to not get a real job.

Yeah. So I think enjoy the summer. Keep your eye out on jobs. And I mean, you can apply to jobs while being a bar cart girl. Right. So because it always takes a lot longer. Yeah. I don't think you have to take the first job that comes your way.

Yeah. Unless that job is so fun. It's better than being a bar cart girl. Yeah. Yeah. But you shouldn't let creepy old men fucking flirt with you while you're giving them drinks. Yeah, I guess. I mean, sure. Yeah. Sorry.

But you shouldn't tell women what they can and shouldn't do. And you shouldn't tell me what I can and cannot do. Right? Yeah. Right. I'm not really sure. Is that right? I think. All right. Another question? Yeah. right yeah right i'm not really sure is that right thanks uh all right another question yeah uh this one is from a uh let's see here oh condom crisis cool uh talk about girls and backpacks my girlfriend has a little backpack that she carries around with her whenever she goes out

it has a main compartment and two handy side pockets. Nice. You know where this is going? His backpack. He found a condom in one. Yeah, he found a condom in one. I assumed it was just left over from the past, but fast forward a few months later, while looking for her phone charger in her bag,

I noticed there was a condom in there, but it was a different condom. Huh. We had stopped using them when we became official a few months into the relationship, and we've been together for over a year and a half and living together for a year. Needless to say, I couldn't sleep at all last night.

So far, I've come to the conclusion that I'd still like to stay together in a relationship with her, even though it's pretty obvious what has happened. There's still the issue of the current condom in her bag, though. Ideally, I'd like to find out why she did that and why she did, and without further compromising on the trust in our relationship, what are my

options? I'm in serious need of your help. You never want to email us on no sleep. What are you going to need sleep? It's like out of White Lotus. That's right. She found a condom. I feel like finding a condom in the pack or the wrap, it's just not enough of a smoking gun.

Like it will only lead to what it led to in the show, which is just like a very gaslighting conversation. Right. Well, what she did was like she gave him the opportunity to fess up. She wasn't instantly like, what is this condom? But she was mad. What happened last night? Yeah. Is that all that happened?

Nothing else happened. Oh, right. And then she said, well, here's this condom? But she was mad. She's like, what happened last night? Yeah. Is that all that happened? Nothing else happened? Oh, right. And then she said, well, here's this condom. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, okay, so this is what really happened. But I didn't lie to you. And she's like, yes, you did. I gave you the opportunity to tell the truth. He definitely did lie to her.

Yeah. And, but like this doesn't quite, I don't know. Yeah. You can't quite do that because the condom wrapper is on, it's unopened. Which honestly leads me to my business idea. People often get caught for condom wrappers, but the wrapper doesn't need to say condom on it because you're already knowing what you're using. It should say Werther's.

Okay. I was going to say ketchup or mustard, but Werther's actually is the bad, a candy. Yeah. There's a, I found a Werther's wrapper in your backpack. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, it's absolutely fine. It really shouldn't say condom. Yeah, it should say fucking...

Spearmint. Yeah, or cream. Yeah. Imagine a fucking condom wrapper and it says mayonnaise on it. Yeah. Then you open it thinking it's going to be a mayo or whatever. You're spreading it on your sandwich and a condom comes in. Right.

Why do you have that? Yeah. That's really smart. Yeah. What about instead of a condom, it's actually mayonnaise? That's not bad. I love mayonnaise. Right.

That way you're not even using a condom. It's just the wrapper that says mayonnaise, mayonnaise inside, and then you don't actually have the condom. It would taste better. Yes. You would use mayonnaise instead. Not really good for birth control, but at the same time, you can't get caught for using a condom. I don't know.

I share this guy's concern, I guess. I'd like to know. Yeah. But I feel like you say, I found a condom in your bag. I noticed this condom in your bag. And she says, oh, that's old. It's been there forever. And then throws it away like it's nothing.

But it doesn't, that doesn't alleviate your fears. No. Not at all. It's actually a new condom from the one I found a few months ago.

Yeah. And she says, it's ketchup. You open it and it is. It actually is ketchup. So my business idea is ketchup packets that say

condoms on them so nobody accuses you of being a little bitch what you know how you look you're just changing wrapping for everything i'm a willy wonka sort of agent of chaos oh we should do condoms but there's a golden ticket. And in the heat of the moment, you open it up, there's no condom. It's just a golden ticket that says you get a tour of the Headcum Studios with Jacob and Mir. You don't get to have sex, but you do get to come here and visit

us. Yeah, you don't get to come, but you get to come here and visit us. Yeah. And we'll let you finish in the bathroom. But you have to find the golden ticket. That's so small it fits in a condom wrapper. So you could be like, I found a condom in your bag. And then she tells you why. And then you say, do you have any other condoms?

She says, no. And you say, well, I also found one in your backpack. Yeah. So that's like the catching her in a lie that will maybe put her off guard enough to be like okay here's what's happening that's right um but then the other i mean you gotta take inventory of your of your whole relationship also take stock of your life like is it you exercise is it otherwise going well or is and the condom the only problem? Because maybe

she really did just forget to clean out her bag. You know, that could happen. That's also possible. For a year, yeah, it sounds like they've been living together for a year. Yeah. But also why have a condom in your backpack like that so open? This is in case I'm like, yeah, but

on the side pocket, those are kind of exposed. Maybe they they're for her friends which brings me to my last business idea thank god it's your last what is it it is still a condom it's a smarties it's a wrapper but it's a little bag of chips style so instead you know condom wrappers you open like yeah ketchup right but imagine like you open it out. Yeah. Like a little, it's a Lays bag. Uh-huh. The size of less, half of a potato chip.

Yeah. Open it. Still greasy inside for some reason. Because it's like. Condoms are greasy. Yeah. It could be lubricated or whatever. A little condom comes out.

Looks like a potato chip. That way you get caught. So that is. One second. The condom itself is a chip chip and it doubles as a condom can you wear it no way it's way too crisp

so it's a wet potato chip it's greasy you said it's greasy for some reason cause the bag is dry and then I said condoms are greasy but you said now that it's a chip

yeah and you said that it could have been lube that was making it greasy so is it a lube covered lube on a baked chip it's baked chip. Yeah. And you said that it could have been lube that was making it crazy. So is it a lube covered? Lube on a baked chip. It's baked. I'm out. Because of the baked.

Absolutely nasty. Yeah. Baked? No, thank you. It needs to be fried. Yeah. And that's when I lost you. Right.

Well, talk to her about this. Tell her about this. And then tell us about it. Yeah. I'm curious. Why did she have a condom? Yeah. Yeah. I would curious. Why did she have a condom? Yeah. I would love to hear the excuse.

Let's get a follow-up pop on this one. Let's get a FaceTime call with her right now. She can explain it to me. Right. Want to tell you about a business idea. It's a dunkaroo. But it's an IUD. Thoughts?

Let us know. All right. Let's take another break. Thoughts? Let us know. All right, let's take another break, come back, and answer more questions. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards,

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I haven't done Wordle in several months. Wow. And I think it's kind of lame that you still do it. I didn't say I still do it. Do you? I mean, I haven't done today's yet, but I'm down to give it a shot. Live? Yeah, it could be a fun thing to put on the thing.

Okay, let's do it. Can we put it on the thing? Sure. Oh, wow, we can actually do it. First guess. It's not up yet. Okay. I'm thinking out loud. Yeah. Chain. That's pretty good. Yeah. Because you get the

C-H, which is like multiple words start like that. Yeah. And then you still get the two vowels, which is nice to have. And an N. An N at the end is not terrible. Right. Yeah. So, it's a solid option. Let me

one-up you. Okay. You're thinking chain? Yeah. I'm thinking Frank. No. No. That's right off the bat. Okay, we're in. Frank, it's too much. It's too soon. It's too much. It's too soon.

Actually, tacky would be a fun word. Tacky is not bad. Should we do tacky? Yeah. But I think it's not as good as something like plain frame. Yeah. Those are all basic. Right.

Share. Share is good. S-H-A-R-E. Yeah. But let's go ahead and say tacky. Okay, Kasich, can we do tacky? Show me tacky! Tacky!

You fucked us. Absolutely. You absolutely fucked us. Okay, well, this is fine. Let's go ahead and do good. Let's do chain. That's actually really good. Let's do chain. Let's not do chain because there's an A in it. And a C, but let's see how good it would have been if we had done chain. No.

That's a fool's errand. Okay. So tacky, we should say for those listening and not watching. All gray. All gray. Okay. I call it the Earl gray. Right.

Second word is always the hardest because I always want to use letters that are right there. Proud. Yeah. Proud. Not bad. Not bad. Two things you are. Tacky and proud.

Tacky and proud. So that's a really good back to back. So the thing is things that are not great to be at the same time. Let's do proud. Show me proud. Oh my God. Insane. Insane. Insane.

This is a really rare star. To all grays. That's a really, really rare star. What letters are even left? Can we scroll down and see the rest of the keyboard? I need to see this. Okay. So we've got, oh, how about slime?

Slime works. Slime is a completely, yeah. Yeah. Oh, so also shine. Shine might be better. Shine is not bad. Yeah. Should we do shine or slime?

Or, oh yeah, no. Let's go, let's go, let's go, what did I say? Slime or shine? Shine. Shine. Heaven let your light shine down. Also all grays. Whoa.

Oh my God. Not, still not great. We still got 12 straight grays to start the program. Yeah. Which is rare. It's hard to do that. There's no S, there's no H. There is an I, but not there.

And there's no N, but there, we nailed that E. This is a tough one. I can't help but think we would have gotten that I if we had said chain right off the bat. Yeah, sure. But that's it. Yeah, but I think starting with the yellow actually helps you morale wise so it's got to be like uh something i two consonants and an i and an e or it could be

i e at the end yeah but then there's no vowels there could be another e oh one of those double e's or double i's. Double E, double I. Like mini, but M-I-N-I-E or something. But I think you're... Oh, what about genie? Oh, no, there's no N. It's something like that. Okay, what about... So there's no N.

There's no N. This is the kind of... It was dangerous to do this on pod. Because if we got it quick, great. Good for radio. Yeah. But now we have to sit here and think. We're stuck.

Yeah, we are actually stuck. And we can't even stop and move on because it'll sort of eat us mentally. So it's going to end, there's going to be an I as the second. Or it could be first. Oh, like an igloo style word. Yeah. It could be anything. In V, like I-N-V-I-E or something like that.

Not that that's a word. Right. Yeah. Have you done the Wordle today, Casey? No, I haven't done Wordle in months. Any idea? Any idea what this could be? I'm thinking.

I'm looking. Yeah. Finey or something? F-I-N-I-E or something? Mm-hmm. B-I-L-i-e or something uh b-i-l-i no um um q no it can't be q what about like i-e-g-e i-e-g-e beige beige beige there you go no there's an i right there oh but should we still do it just oh what about ohge? What about something like Siege? Is that I-E?

Yeah, S-I-E-G-E, like that. But that's not going to... We can do Beige knowing it won't be the word. I can't, no, no. Because it'll give us B-E-G. I cannot abide that. What about Liege? L-I-E-G-E.

There you go. Is that a word? Yeah. My Liege? It is a word. And I'm into it. L-I-E-G-E. There you go. Is that a word? Yeah. My liege. It is a word. And I'm into it. L-I-E-G. Yeah.

You fucked up. I didn't fuck because that's good. We got a lot of letters right here. So now we have the L, the I, the E. We know that there's two E's. Melee would be a good one, but it's not quite melee. Like three E's So that E

That means that there is another E Otherwise it would be a gray So that E I think is going to go where the I is So E and then the I is going to go at the end And the L has to go where that E is So like E-L Oh Belie B-E-L-I-E

Okay I like it That might be it I still Belie. B-E-L-I-E. Okay. I like it. That might be it. I still Belie. Do you Belie? Nice. That was a tough one. One. We got it in five.

Wow. I mean, getting it in five after two rows of all gray is pretty impressive. That was fucked up. The first two rows of all gray is pretty impressive. That was fucked up. The first two rows of that. That wasn't. The first two and a half rows. And now that I think about it, I did do this one this morning. Because when you said be lie, I'm like, that's definitely it.

Because I did it a few hours ago. I can't help but think chain would have set us up for success. A chain reaction. Chain reaction. Would be lie the truth. All right. That was a fun little diversion, I guess. Yeah.

Let's get back to the matters at hand. Why not? This is a kind of sexy, sticky situation. Ooh, my favorite kind. Writing a lady's writing in. My fiance and I have been together for four years. Congrats. We have a solid relationship and great sex.

Nice. We recently had a daughter who is now nine months old. Cool. As you can imagine, the sex takes a bit of a drop relationship and great sex. Nice. We recently had a daughter who is now nine months old. Cool. As you can imagine, the sex takes a bit of a drop off post baby. Fast forward to about five months postpartum and my sex drive was back in full swing. Awesome. We have been into watching porn, playing with toys, typical couples things. And we especially have always done a lot of dirty talking.

While my fiance is a fairly jealous person in real life, he actually loves to hear me talk about getting fucked by other dudes in the bedroom. Wow. Yeah. You're into it. Yeah, you like it. I don't personally have that fetish, but I like when other people have a fetish. Yeah, he likes me to tell him stories about getting fucked before, especially making up stories about fucking his friends, etc. Whoa.

Yeah. After the sex hiatus following the baby talk, our dirty talk has become a bit more real. Just recently, his friend slash co-worker, we'll call him Charlie, moved in upstairs from us and he is so fucking hot. Holy shit, dude, this guy is cut

and handsome. The perfect height with great facial hair. Oh my god. Imagine that. His teeth are kind of crooked and it's honestly the cutest thing about him. Oh my God. Imagine that. His teeth are kind of crooked and it's honestly the cutest thing about him. Oh my God. Imagine getting Invisalign to get your teeth crooked a little bit. Yeah, just to give you some more character.

Exactly. I feel like he and I honestly have a lot of chemistry as we're always catching each other's eye through the window. It is purely physical. Recently, while talking dirty in bed with my fiance, he mentioned that he wanted me to quote go upstairs and fuck charlie while i'm at work one day i told him a story about me doing it and he seemed really into it i brought it up a few times since one and while having sex

and my fiance has said go ahead he's moving to australia in a few months anyway, which is true. So my question is, is it at all reasonable or appropriate to bring this up in a non-sexual situation? Can I have a casual conversation with my fiance one day after dinner about if he would actually be okay with me having sex with Charlie? I think it would be okay with me with, I think I would be okay with him fucking another girl if it was the tradeoff, but we've never mentioned that before. So let me know what you guys think. We're obviously very comfortable. I'm horny and I haven't felt sexy in almost a year. Help me, kings of advice. Thank you.

I say go for it. This is a conversation. It's a logical next step from this dirty talk. Yeah. I think it is a very funny situation. It's like, yeah, I want you to go upstairs and fuck Charlie. Okay, I will. And then it's like the next day, it's like, so if I actually did that, or were you like

in a zone? I mean, I feel like if this stuff is hot to him, maybe you got to find out if it's like, is it purely the fantasy that's hot? Or is it like, would it be really hot to him if you did it? Because that's a perfectly fine fetish if everybody it like would it be really hot to him if you did it because that's a perfectly fine fetish if everybody feels good about it yeah i mean there's different like all these the more adult i get the more i hear about stories of like me and my wife have sex with other people but like they like to be in the room watching like that's my fetish or like i want

you to do it but at a party and i'm gonna be there but i'm gonna be doing it to somebody else there's all these like different gray areas people can live in right so like this guy might want you to just do it and not tell him this guy wants you to do it and him to watch he like i don't know what the hell he's comfortable with yeah and why not just do it and then tell tell him but he won't ever know if it's real or not that's good it's like did you fuck my best friend yeah did i or did i not no no no did you actually oh my god charlie charlie yeah just like you told me to well you were at work sorry i feel like a conversation is fair it's fair it's absolutely fair but we can't be so mad

that you brought it up. Yeah. But do you bring it up in the sexual situation? I think I would bring it up kind of like after sex. And almost as not even like I don't like, hey, I'm not angling for this. But just like a clarity thing. Yeah. Like just so I know, like do you, would you really want me to actually you cannot make it

specifically about charlie okay like would you actually want me to fuck somebody how would you feel if i actually did right because like you say that that's like a turn on in the dirty talk but is that like a real do you like would you ever want that to happen for real and if he is it if he's amenable to that yeah then you you know, you say it like any, who would even be like Gary or some like random guy or even Charlie or something. Yeah, the fucking hot guy that lives above us. Because that's just convenient. I'm not even like that attracted to him, but it's right there. If you wanted to fuck someone else and I could fuck Charlie, I feel like I would do that in a heartbeat.

Yeah. I mean, then Charlie has to get on board. Let's not forget Charlie. Charlie's on board. Charlie's fine. He's hot. Don't worry about Charlie. I feel like I would do that in a heartbeat. Yeah. I mean, then Charlie has to get on board. Let's not forget Charlie. Charlie's on board. Charlie's fine. Don't worry about Charlie. He has crooked teeth in a hot way. Is there a possibility that he's turned on by just the thought of it and

talking about it, but doesn't actually want to. Yeah. Yeah. People have like, they, you know, a fantasy,

like the role play fetish without actually seeing it through. I think that's normal. Yeah, I think that's normal. Yeah. So I guess she does have to finally ask and figure out exactly what he wants, not just assume. But again, if you guys are comfortable with what turns you on and what gets you off, I think it's totally normal to be like, and I'd also be open. Especially because she's willing to concede, like,

and you can have sex with someone too. Yeah. It might turn out to be great. A throuple situation. Yeah. I don't think it can turn out to be that bad. He can't be so mad that you even asked. Yeah.

Because it's like, it's just so prevalent in your sex life, you know? Yeah. It's not like out of the blue. Right. It's not like one time he talked dirty and said this, and now you're trying to capitalize on it. It's like, time and time again, it's been like out of the blue right it's not like one time you talked dirty and said this and now you're trying to capitalize on it's like time and time again it's been coming up and then you

ask him about it and if he's like what the fuck are you talking about i think you'd be like what are you talking about yeah this is crazy all the time yeah you yell at me and you want me like you're turned on by the fact that i do this so i was just merely inquiring if it would be helpful for you to get into character if I actually did fuck Charlie. Please let us know. Please let us know. You can just email me directly or whatever. CC Charlie.

I need to know. Yeah. Who are you imagining as Charlie? Probably the British guy from White Lotus, right? Jack character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Sort of like he's got a cool accent although he doesn't have crooked teeth

Theo James yeah he's pretty perfect oh no I'm saying the blonde haired blue eyed guy oh that guy yeah

well Theo James is also British yeah that's true too yeah I could text him okay alright that's it that's our show thanks for watching

thanks for listening if you have your own questions your own theme songs send them down to ifirewshow at gmail.com. If you got a PhD in the last 10 years while listening to us.

Yeah. Email us cc, the head of HR at your hospital or place of employment. And then our accountant. And we'll sort it out. Just so we can get everybody on the same page. Well, yeah. Yeah. They'll email us.

I'll loop in our accountant. Yeah. And our bookkeeper. Yeah. And we can- That way, because we don't want money coming in and we're like, we don't really understand where this cashflow is.

Yeah. It has to be buttoned up. Yes. It has to be above board. Yeah. And it has to be cashflow positive for us. It has to be untaxed. This whole thing is pre-tax, basically.

I don't know if you know that. Did I mention that before? It's pre-tax. It's all pre-tax. It's based in Cayman. Yes, it's all based in Cayman. So that's money that we're not even touching until we're 60.x, basically. I don't know if you know that. Did I mention that before? It's pre-tax. It's all pre-tax. It's based in Cayman. Yes, it's all based in Cayman. So that's money that we're not even touching until we're 60. Right, exactly.

But to have that nest egg, pre-tax, as a retirement fund. In the Caribbean? Yes. Immaculate. It's completely above board. Right. And it is buttoned up. Send all that stuff to ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

And if you want more of us, we're, watching Jake and Amir videos on our Patreon. That's true. We're actually about to write some new Jake and Amir's shoot, shoot some new Jake and Amir's. Um, so yeah, it's a good time to get caught up over on the Patreon. Uh, that's patreon.com slash J a. That's right. Uh, and we'll be, of course, back next week as we always are. Let's hear that banger

from Calvin Yeager on our way out. And we'll see you soon. Bye, everybody. Bye. If I were you, the show If I were you, for sure. If I were you, for sure.

If I were you, for sure. If I were you, for sure. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

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