Segments - 575: Orthodontics

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

In this episode we discuss our favorite bands, video game characters, and how to smile better! Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir.

Save your questions here, it write Jake and I'll scare you. Save your questions here. It's Jake and me that make your problems disappear. If you got a problem, they'll solve it. Check out this hook while the two Jews resolve it. We should be getting more acapella theme songs. That wasn't enough. If I were you. I actually don't know if we've used that one before.

I was searching for songs, and this is a good shout out. If you're sitting on some theme songs, or you have one in the can, or if you have one in your head, now's the time. If you have one in your head, that's absolutely perfect. You don't even need an instrument. Voice note, acapella style. Bingo, bingo, bongo. Fire it off. So I don't know if we've used that one before.

I just found it deep in the recess of our email submissions. I'm sure a super fan out there would be like, actually use that in episode 314. It doesn't sound familiar to me, but I guess... It didn't sound familiar to me either. Yeah. That one was from Colton Hardy. Colton Hardy.

Colton Hardy. My friend Speddy Eddies, Speddy Edds and I have a SoundCloud with some funny songs for adults with such hit jams as Toe Jam. Toe Jam. Baker's Delight. Cool. Bathtub Blues. Okay. And Fat and Ugly.

Nice. shoes okay and fat and ugly nice uh and you can see it on their soundcloud which is see hard and speddy eds or soundcloud.com slash colton hardy perfect so you know if you want more yeah now you know how to find them love it uh we're back in the lab slash studio in the same room in la that's right you got a full couch um that you're sitting on. I'm just relaxed. It's weird that your shoes are still on though because you're not fully relaxed unless your shoes are, you're sliding them off. Okay. Now it's a lot better, right? Yeah, it feels really cozy. So he's like

for those of you just listening. I'm curled up. Yeah. If you're, you can watch this on our YouTube channel in stunning HD. That's right. But if you're just listening like an old school fan, Jake is posted up on the couch sort of sitting like a lady in a boyfriend hoodie

with a cup of coffee on a cold day who's like just gabbing with a friend. Yeah, he's sort of coyishly chewing on one of the strings of his hoodie. Sort of twirling it now almost like a kitty cat and he's like having fun a little bit with it. He's giggling and he's putting his hoodie up and he's sort of twirling it now, almost like a kitty cat. And he's like having fun a little bit with it.

He's giggling and he's putting his hoodie up and he's sort of being a cute little boy girl and he's sort of like sheepishly waving. Oh! A spider just came out of his nose. Oh my God. Okay, he's vomiting now. He looks really ill. He looks really nasty out. All right, he's back now. He looks really ill. He looks really nasty out.

All right, he's back. We're back. This is a FireU advice pod. The only one on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. Indeed. And you're Jake. And we're going to do some lightning round action today.

We are. I've got my phone here. Some days we get through one question. Other days we try to get through fucking a thousand. Yes. I sent you, we asked, we solicited these questions on our Instagram. That's right. We have an

Instagram, jakeandamir on Instagram. That's right. And we didn't ask us almost anything. Obviously there are some things that are way too off color, too soon, too blue to actually address. But we got some good ones. Mateus Reba says too personal. Exactly. Some things are a bit. A little too personal.

It's off limits. We're not going to go there. Yes, nor should we. We don't need to go there. We don't need to work blue. Leah Foster actually right off the bat says, should I get tickets to New York City HeadGum Happy Hour? Yes, on the 27th of January. Well, unfortunately, it's all sold out now.

Really? I don't know. I'm just kind of projecting that because we're recording it on, you know, we've only released one promo. And this is coming out, I think, the 16th. Right. Whatever. But, yeah, so it might be sold out by the time this one comes out. Correct.

So maybe we have to promote it. Maybe we don't. I think we will. So headgum.com slash live. Unfortunately, it's sold out. But just assume it's not sold out. Don't even bother going to the URL. New tickets available. Headgum.com slash live. Unfortunately, it's sold out. But just assume it's not sold out. Don't even bother going to the URL. New tickets available.

Headgum.com slash live. Yes, you should come. Cameron Mona. Amir, did you have braces? Your teeth look great. Thank you. Let me tell you someone who's sitting near him. They don't.

But you did have braces. Just a lot of back cracks. Ah, shit. But you did have braces. A lot of back cracks. You did have a retainer though. Yeah, I actually had braces. Much like everything in life, I had braces too late. So I got them in 10th grade. That is very late. Most people get them off.

That's when I got mine off. I got them on. And I was told that they would only last two years. Of course, that's not i got them off yeah i got them on uh and i was told that they would only last two years of course that's not how it works uh i i shouldn't say i but my parents sprung for the clear braces oh nice they want metal face right so i had clear braces yeah which i think the rubber bands top and bottom clear braces i think are a little worse because, like, if I see metal, I'm like, I know you have braces. Clear, bumpy teeth. What's going on?

Your teeth are waving. Yeah. What's going on there? And I would, like, eat Top Ramen and, like, the clear and the rubber bands would get dyed yellow. So it was just not a good look for anyone. By the time I was a senior in high school, still had the braces. And it was getting to the point where I was going to need them in college still. I'm like, orthodontist, doctor, dentist, I need to cut you off. Yeah. Enough is enough.

This is good enough. Because it was like, maybe next month, maybe next month, maybe next month. I'm like, it's August. I'm turning 19 soon. I can't have braces in college. And he's like, you have to sign something that says we weren't done. So if there's like a problem down the line, you absolve us of it. But we'll take them off if you want us to. It seems. And I'm like, yes. I can't fathom a world where I go to freshman year of college.

Now, in retrospect, I should have just kept them until they were done. I don't know what kind of long-term damage I did just to not have braces in college. I think one of the things that's important, freshman year, showing up with braces, I wouldn't want to do that. Yeah. Even now. even in retrospect. Yeah, in retrospect. I think you made the right decision. Yeah. I... Like, would you get

Invisalign? Just because, to be clear, your teeth are pretty fucked up. Well, my teeth are straight amongst each other, but my bite isn't correct. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah. So, like, if you look at this, like... Ooh,, like you want the top two teeth and the autumn centered ones to line up.

I don't have that. No, not even close. No. Like if I line it up, it's like way off. The bite is not correct. Yeah, yeah. So would I get Invisalign to fix that?

As of now, I don't feel like I need to, but I guess I would in general. Yeah. Jill actually got Invisalign and they told her it was going to be like six months or something. She was supposed to get it off. I forget what she got it on, but I think it was like they said three to six months. Yeah. Which basically feels like nothing.

Yeah. And they're like, oh, it'll be off by the time you go to Italy, which we went to in July. Six months ago. She just finished last week. Yeah. And is it noticeably different than it was a year ago? I think for her, yes. Was it a bite thing or was it a straight teeth thing?

I think it was maybe a little bit of a both. I don't think she, the thing is at the dentist, they'll say anything to get you to give them the cash for it. That's how they make a lot of cash. So they'll tell you your bite is bad. They'll tell you that your teeth are crowding. They'll tell you that your mouth is... They also do this thing at the dentist,

which I really don't like. We talk about dentists a lot, but I think they're fucking scam artists. You don't really know anything about your teeth and they do look gross if you shine a light and a mirror on them. So they'll often just be like, can I show you something? And they make me open my mouth. They shine the light if you shine a light and a mirror on them so like they'll often just be like can i show you something and they make me open my mouth they shine the light they make me look in a mirror and they at least you see how like that yeah like yeah it is a dark

recess of your mouth you could easily show me something and be like and that's looking a lot better that's looking normal i was big okay it looks nasty to me but great i've never seen what it looks like behind my back molar so i'll take your word for it they show me show me that. And then they're like, yeah, like your teeth are really bad. They're going to keep on going in and keep on like caving in on themselves. Right. Unless you give me, you know, five grand and we'll do Invisalign for you. And it'll take six months. And then on month six, they're like, well, no, we need a few more months of this.

But then you're in the middle. You can't say no at that point. In for a penny, in for a pound. So you also like you, some people are like, we can remove this tooth to fix this crowding. And then some dentists are like, you should never do that. It's like, well, this person says I definitely should. And you say I definitely shouldn't. So what am I supposed to do now?

I'm not an expert. So I have to just blindly believe one of you and hope that it works out for the best. So I'm not going to do the Invisalign. But I might. Of course. Yeah. I need to fix my bite. My front teeth kind of cross over each other.

Yeah. And it's starting to get more and more and more. And I don't know if it really is or if they're just kind of like, you know, putting that in my brain. Right. Have my teeth really like started? Am I going to be 80 and they'll be like completely. Folded against each other. I don't think so. I don't know either. I i don't know either so fortunately we have videos of us uh one video a week for 15

years so like we can actually track our teeth progress if necessary yeah so when you look at pictures of you from like 2007 my teeth have always been the same i got my braces off when I was in 10th grade, right around 16. Yeah. I wore the retainer for two weeks and then my dog ate it. His teeth are awesome. Yeah. My dog ate it and I didn't get an orthodontist appointment for another month. In that time, my teeth shifted back.

I got the new molds of my crooked teeth and And I wore the retainer for a while. Oh, you're still wearing a retainer? No, no, not anymore. I wore the retainer until like, maybe until I went to college. Maybe I took it. And then nothing ever since? Yeah.

No grind guards or anything like that? No, no. You don't grind in your sleep or anything like that? No. I'm a grinder. Yeah. I got the guard. I mean, it'd be nice,

if I could snap my fingers and have my teeth All be perfectly straight I think I would But it doesn't seem like It's worth That'd be fantastic Obviously that would be great

Yeah If you could do the snapping Yeah it just seems so archaic And old Actually we need to move your teeth Do the snapping Hold on Wow

It's perfect It's beautiful For thinking That I'm Perfect With Teeth What's a food or meal It's beautiful for thinking that. What's a food or meal you could eat every day, asked Jason Serrano. And is it spaghetti with cranberry sauce? Is that from a video?

Must have been. Yeah, or a podcast where I was suggesting it. It's not that much crazier than tomato sauce. Oh, actually, I have a spaghetti hack that Jill cooked the other night. It was very, very good. Which is? We didn't have any tomatoes. We didn't have any tomato sauce. But we just cooked noodles

and poured in tomato soup. And it worked. Was it thick enough? Yeah, it was. She cooked down some onion and garlic and put some spinach in there and then parmesan. It was definitely thick enough. It was delicious. Could you eat it every day for the rest of your life, though?

I could eat Annie's macaroni and cheese every single day for the rest of my life. No problem. No issue. I'd look forward to it every single day. So what's stopping you from doing that? I don't think it's healthy. It's an indulgence and I enjoy Annie's about once every two to three months. Really? Yeah. Two to three months? Yeah. That's pretty rare for something you can eat every single day. Yeah. And I mean,

there was a time when I would have Annie's every single Sunday night. And there was a time before that where I had it every single night. When I first moved to New York, I would have Annie's every single Sunday night. And there was a time before that where I had it every single night. When I first moved to New York, I cooked myself Annie's every single night for dinner, unless I got a burrito. Never got sick of it. No. And I still not. And I truly never will. I also don't think I'd ever get sick of the smoothie from Backyard Bowls. Yeah, that's a good smoothie. That's what's keeping you coming back to LA. Yeah. A smoothie is something that I actually do have every single day, pretty much. All right. Wait's what's keeping you coming back to LA. Yeah. A smoothie is something that I actually do have every single day pretty much. All right.

Which one of you- Wait, what about you? That's actually too personal. Sure. At what age did you stop sitting to pee, if ever? Danny DeFrito. Hmm.

I don't know when I stopped. I definitely started sitting to pee again when I was like 30. You started full time. Not full time. But at home? Yeah.

If it's like late at night, I don't want to like turn on a light because I'm afraid I'll wake up too much. So I'll like get up from bed, sit to pee. Sometimes in the early morning, sit to pee. 50% sit to pee. I the early morning sit to pee um 50 sit to pee say 20 maybe even less than that depends where i am really i guess like if i'm at home and i'm like on my computer doing a lot of like emails slacks etc yeah and then i'm like gonna get up and go pee i'll grab my phone sit to pee and use my phone for social things and then go back so if i if it feels like a sit pee is like i want to be on my phone the amount that i normally would if like someone were shitting yeah but i don't i don't do a phone shit you don't do a phone shit yeah i shit without my phone interesting and what

are you doing on there just on the toilet just thinking about stuff i don't have to sit very long to shit sit to shit i mean it comes out yeah yeah and then you're wiping it's like why would you i it it feels nasty to me to like sit down shit look at your phone and then like grab your hand and wipe shit oh and then like your phone's in your hand. It's like, I just, I want to, I want to have my hands clean. I did the, I made the fatal flaw of wiping my ass with my phone once. Fatal flaw. Because you died of food poisoning.

Yeah, I'm just like, because you're on your phone and you're wiping your ass and then you're like, oh, hold on one second. And you didn't even notice until the next day, right? I was just like, oh shit.

Yeah. And then I'm like, I'll deal with that tomorrow. Yeah. Because you're like, I got fucking Instagram to look at. Scroll. Smearing shit all over my phone. And then I put it in my pocket. And then there's shit on my pocket.

Going horizontal. And it falls on my nose. Yeah. Because it's not, you know when I shit, there's full logs. Right. Like every time I wipe unbroken logs there was an unbroken log of shit on my phone for a week it's what's that game we used to play snake game yeah snake yeah yeah no what was the game the the one where you like would go around

and get the balls that made your snake longer yeah it's called snake yeah it's called snake like on the nokia phone no no not not no, not that one. Not that one. It was the one that we would play on this phone. Remember? It was a snake game on your phone. It was the one that I was, me and Riley were competing and I was the goat. Oh, right. Snake block.

Snake first blocks. It was Snake's first blocks. Right, you were trying to get the blocks. Yeah. Right. You would like get numbers that would make your snake longer. That's right. And then you go through the block with the lowest number because that would take the

amount of balls from your snake. Right. That was like the next evolution of the snake. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Have you gotten addicted to a phone game recently? No.

No. When was that the last one? That was the last. That was the last one. That was after Crossy Roads. Yeah. After Crossy Roads. That was the last one. That was after Crossy Roads. Yeah, after Crossy Roads. That was the last thing. I haven't gotten addicted to any games except for Animal Crossing since then.

And then that was it. That was the Switch. Then I got rid of the Switch. I switched that off. How was your island? At the end, it was a ramshackle rundown piece of shit. I was in Nook's pocket for

thousands and thousands of bells. And I couldn't get out from under his thumb. Shane Rover asks which college humor friend do each of you keep in closest contact with? Which college humor friend? Yeah. I mean, probably you. I would say Streeter.

You talk to Streeter? I haven't talked to him in months. He's not really on his phone. He doesn't return texts. You know that. Well, do you have his new number? Yeah. 917?

273. Not 917. He moved. Do you have his new address? I have his new address I have his new address he he was I don't think so

one two I actually got dinner with the whole crew the other night I was in New York really and we all sort of did a tweet up

well not the whole crew because I don't think Dan is there Dan was there Jeff is not around in New York Jeff's there I wonder

because I'm there yeah are you on a group thread because it's all green for me Dan was there. Jeff is not around in New York. Jeff's there? I wonder. Because I'm there. Yeah. Are you on a group thread? Because it's all green for me. You still hang out with the janitor from 349 Broadway, Manny, right? I actually saw Pat last weekend. The polar plunge. We did the polar plunge.

I did New Year's Eve at Sarah Schneider's. And Pat was actually there along with Amanda, with Vinny. We see Vinny a lot. Yeah. Josh Rubin did our show not too recently,

unrecently. I guess I got like, I have, I got dinner and drinks with Dan. It was probably a year ago. So who do we see the least? The least?

Ricky? Yeah. Would you consider Ricky part of the College Humor crew? He was more of our boss. Yeah, but he was in the world. He's a friend. Yeah. I got his Christmas card this year. Oh yeah, I got that too. I like hear from Ricky sometimes. Yeah. I got dinner with Jeff Rubin last year also. Last year. Last year. What was that dinner? Thai, sushi. He cooked. Wow. He cooked i think believe it was gnocchi with a tomato soup yeah tomato soup that's right you got the inspo um i saw kevin corgan actually when i was in denver for the nadpot show oh he came to that yeah wow how's he doing great uh climbing a

lot right or i believe like climbing magazine holy shit. Holy shit. Do you ever see Murph? Yeah, I see Murph several times a week. Hannah Bella asks, when are you coming back to Ireland? Aye. Yay! Today! Today! Oh, Peter. Oh, Peter.

We're not allowed back. Yes. I got a DUI in Glasgow. I went to Copperface Jacks and I never returned. Have you seen The Banshees of In Sharon? I actually watched it two days ago. Oh, what'd you think? It was weird.

I basically liked it all the way until the end. The way end or like towards the end when he starts doing stuff that you didn't understand? Basically the very, very end. It ended. I was like, it's just going to end like that? Yeah. I felt like there are spoilers for Banshees of Inishirin. Have you seen it, Casey?

I have seen it, yes. Yeah. It felt like there wasn't a resolution at all, which I guess is like the point. Right. I have kind of a basic movie taste where I want to feel complete and happy at the end of the movie. Right, the end of the story. Yeah. And they lived happily ever after.

That's what I want. This was not that kind of movie. No, it kind of just like, it just ended. It just ended. I actually don't fully remember how it ended. Does he leave or something? He leaves.

Do you want me to? I saw it. Okay, spoiler, full spoiler for Panches of Nishirin. He leaves the island, right? No, he, he, he goes, yeah, his sister leaves the island. That other dude cuts all of his fingers off. Of course.

Other dude's donkey dies. He burns down that guy's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he, they are standing on the beach and the guy basically is like, I'm sorry. And he says, well, this isn't over. Didn't he kill himself, the guy? No. There was no suicide?

No suicide. You kind of think that he did. And then it turns out that he didn't. But it's supposed to be a metaphor for the Irish Civil War, which is just like these two sides are fighting. They used to not be enemies now they are right and it's kind of like no good can come of it yeah and that's sad and that's how the movie ended right and it's sad yeah Colin Farrell gives such a hell of a performance and that I really I felt for him so much you felt so bad for me it's

just such a sweet guy yeah he's a simpleton. I read a tweet that was funny that was like somebody didn't realize it was a period piece. They just assumed Irish people live like that. That was me also. It was like, is this 1912 or a really small town? Yeah. I was in, not Ireland, but I was in Scotland

recently in the West Highlands and it does look like that. Their buildings have been around forever. That would be a funny twist if at the end someone just takes out an iPhone. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It's modern day. We just like to not live with any electricity.

Jill and I were trying to figure out. They do it in the first act where they show the calendar. Oh, and it's like 19. 1920, 1923. Yeah. So coming back to Ireland. Damn, I really... I thought that like our shows in Ireland,

the first time we went in Dublin, we were performing in the tents with Ben. Yeah, the comedy shows. Those were some of our best shows ever. I had such a good time. I would happily do that again if we could get invited back to that festival. Yeah, hopefully they're still doing it

and they can invite us back. Yeah, it's JFL. Oh, even better. It was JFL Ireland? Is that possible? Is that doable? Or was it like an Ireland comedy festival? Maybe it was the Dublin Comedy Fest. I don't know. It was a comedy festival. For some reason I thought it was JFL.

Everything is JFL to you. It seems unlikely. But anyway, yeah, I would love to go back. Alright, let's take a break, come back, answer some more Qs. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelbackback does in a cover two defense?

Or do you know what a play action pass is? These are some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't necessarily know. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we've returned. Yo. Nalamar asks, what did you have for lunch? What did you have for lunch? What did you have for lunch? It is one o'clock and we have not had lunch yet.

Okay. What are you thinking for lunch? I would love to get some kind of salad. Interesting. Yeah. I'd like to eat something healthy. It's early in the new year. I'm still on my diet. Got it.

Yours is kind of like the Monday of the new year. It's like I had a raunchy holiday, aka Sunday. Now let me try to get back into better shape by eating a salad. Yeah, I think that'd be good. What did you eat for lunch yesterday? Yesterday I was upgraded on my flight out here. So I had an impossible cheese steak in the Delta One cabin. Holy smokes. Imagine that. Yeah. Impossible cheese steak. Back on my health shit.

Insane. Fries? No. No. You rarely see fries on an airplane. Yeah, you don't. I don't think they could deep fry in the sky. No.

They'd have to bake them somehow. But it was more of a side salad situation. That's good. It honestly wasn't that, wasn't that tasty. Really? If I can be fair. Are you into the fake meat stuff

usually or not really? Yeah, yeah. I think it, I think it tastes great. I like it a lot. I hear it's like not that great for you, but it's still delicious.

Yeah, it's, you think, I guess, I definitely thought that I was being healthier when I had it, but it's kind of just like nice to not kill an animal for every single meal.

Yeah. But I think they're delicious. Speaking of not killing an animal. Yeah. Carl Lewis asks, do you guys believe in a higher power or a being or entity exists beyond our comprehension? I actually had a conversation about this with my Lyft driver yesterday. We had, I have to say, quite a moving discussion.

Really? A discord? I got his number at the end. I'm sorry to hear that. He found out, I mean, I was talking to him, we were talking about like how there's no parking anymore in New York and how construction projects take a long time. And, you know, we're in the car for like 40. Yeah, step one, we were getting comfortable with each other.

Then he's talking to me. He's asking what I do. Tell him that. An older gentleman? Yeah, it's like probably 50, 60. Okay. From Ecuador. Okay.

And like moved here when he was 12. Yeah. So I tell him about what I do, that I run a podcast network. He's asking me about the shows. I tell him that I have an advice show. And then he starts like, he's like, well, what kind of advice do you give and i was like it's usually relationship advice and then he starts kind of like telling me about his last relationship um that is over and i a little bit fit like asking for advice or like if he did the right thing or whatever

wow um and then he starts talking to me about a new person that he's seeing. Okay. And we like get really deep on just like relationships. He's like, what do you think are the most important things, like the bedrock of a relationship? And I was like respecting communication. I was talking about like, yeah, it was just like a very, very deep conversation. So how did it get to God? At the very end, he, I think just based on like, kind of like this like spiritual discussion that we were having, he asked if I believed in God.

And when I told him I didn't, I could tell that he was disappointed. Yeah. Like he wanted, he wanted me to say that I, that Jesus was my savior. And I was just like, he's not. I was like, I grew up Jewish and Christian. He's like, oh my God, how? That's, that's, that's wild. There's such different religions. And I was like, yeah. And I, and I don't believe in God. Right. And he's like, that's why. He's like, well, when something goes wrong, what do you, who do you pray to? What do you say?

And I was like, I guess, I guess God, I do often pray for some kind of deliverance from something. I don't believe it. Yeah. Yeah. I asked for the universe to revert to good for me. Right. But like, yeah, don't believe in a higher power. Anyway, do you, you don't, I already know you don't. Yeah. I don't either. What do you, do you believe in anything? If something is gone, if something's going really wrong, do you, are you praying for anything? Are you just hoping? What are you feeling? I can hope.

Yeah. I can hope and send good thoughts for sure. Say Luke is when your dog was sick. Yeah. Your dog's getting checked up in the vet. Yeah. Are you like, well, I hope everything's fine. Are you like, please, God, let Luke be healthy?

I don't think i'm saying please god but i am saying please let luke be healthy yeah like i really hope he's okay right and you're not directing that towards anybody that can actually deliver that yeah because i think that if god were real he'd be too busy with much more important shit be amazing if he wasn't yeah so he's handling the Ukraine tragedy and also he's actually not doing that he's just doing Luke good news it was just a cough as a building explodes in the Ukraine oh I should have had my eyes on that oh man the blood's on my hands exactly exactly uh but it is interesting that more people are like your Uber driver I know we've talked about that before that like.

Yeah. It's not like a fringe radical belief that like there's this spiritual being that is controlling things. Right. That's like the majority of people. Yeah. And it's weird too because like I kind of believe in something's, some thing, some higher power's ability to make things happen or not for me. An inexplainable force. Yeah.

And I am often like praying for, I don't say like, dear God, please let this happen. But I will like direct any of my hopes and fears at some higher power. But I also, when I die, I think everything just goes off. There's no heaven. You don't take it one step further. No, I don't. Yeah. So I don't know what that makes me.

I guess spiritual. That's cool. Yeah. So he says an entity that exists beyond our comprehension. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. I actually think not, but I think my comprehension is so low that I think it does.

There's even some science shit that I don't understand. Believe it or not. That is explainable and viewable and quantifiable. Yeah. Do you have a less heavy question than that? Sure. How often do you guys fart? Do you have any memories of working with Eric Beck,

Indy Mogul, as Corned Beef Hatch? Eric Beck. Yeah, he did the special, as Corned Beef Hatch. Eric Beck. Yeah, he did the special effects for the zombie sketch we wrote. Indie mogul, that is. That's Justin Johnson and Eric Beck. Yeah. Good guys. They're still making stuff.

Are they really? Yeah. That's awesome. We actually watched on Patreon over Halloween, the one where you're a zombie and you bite my shoulder off. Yeah, and they did the special effects. It's pretty fucked up. Yeah. So we have good memories. Mm special effects. It's pretty fucked up. Yeah. So we have good memories.

Mm-hmm. And wish them the best. What's your favorite part of running HeadGum and what is your least favorite part? Asks Nitty Pretz. Asks Marty. God.

Is this a fucking end of the year eval? This is a review. Hardest part is I guess making like business decisions that affect people's real lives. Like you just want to be a nice guy and hire everybody and give everybody raises. But that's not like actually possible. Right. Yeah.

Like, you know, running a business. Anything cash based is not that fun. Right. Unless we like have a lot of it. That's fun. Yeah. Unless we get an infinite amount of cash. And then not that fun. Right. Unless we have a lot of it, that's fun. Yeah, unless we get an infinite amount of cash. And then everybody gets as much money as possible. And those are the highs and lows. When we raised the money, that was a high.

You get millions of dollars that hit the business account, and you get to grow the business and hire people. Right. And then the low is when you're in the middle of that, and you're trying to protect the investment. That's right. And that's when you have to make the decisions. So high is getting cash. Low is maintaining. It's losing and maintaining cash.

Spending the cash in an efficient way. Yeah, yeah, definitely. But I guess our job is more creative than deciding what to do with the cash. Yeah, there were times when I was building out the New York studio just because a lot of the operations people are here. That like out in New York, there were times over the summer that I felt like my job was

not very creative because it was just like these deliveries are happening now. You had to be like an office manager. Yeah. And I mean, Marika did the brunt of it, but both of us just had to like- Build desks. Be around. Yeah. I definitely built some desks again this year.

Live shows also a highlight hanging out with everybody from both coasts in one place. Major, major key alert. That was awesome. Any tips asks rack hand souffle and any tips to have a better smile. What's your smile style? Interesting.

Here's this for a tip. I used to smile with just top teeth only. Ew. Not a great smile. Yeah. That's not... That's also pretty bad. But better than just the top.

The trick is to make yourself laugh. I like to laugh. Yeah. If you're about to take a photo and someone says smile, and you try to smile, it's not good. They say smile, you go, ha. Yeah, that's good. And then you freeze on the laugh. Yeah, mostly top teeth, a little bottom.

That's like the Magic Johnson million-dollar smile. I'm also down. I like a tight-lipped smile every once in a while. Oh, the. Because now that I have a beard, I think that sometimes if the beard is too long, teeth and beard look like a little mangle. Yeah.

So the old, so no teeth are all teeth. Yeah. Not the in between. Yeah. Let's see here. Why won't you herbs have the Twinnovation crew on the pod? Ask Fbaglet28.

That's a fair question. I think it's hard to wrangle three people. Usually when you and I are recording, it's not like we're not professional enough that we have a standing recording time that we meet. Even a standing recording place. Yeah. recording time right that we meet even a standing recording place yeah if in a dream world it's like every tuesday i'm in the new york office at noon you're here at nine yeah we record two episodes of our podcast yeah and we're always a few weeks ahead but that's just not how it actually is we're all over the place yeah sometimes we're like slacking our producers. Like, oh, you need to record something today.

And then it's like Friday. John has to edit over the weekend. So that's why it's hard to have guests because we can barely plan ahead. That's a good New Year's resolution for us. I don't know if anybody asked that, but getting more organized in our output. Yeah, that would be nice. Okay, let's take another break. Answer some more questions after these messages. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey

at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great.

Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change,

but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter,

which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z and not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that

is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Yep. You got another question for us? Will there be more Jake and Amir asks Carter Waite? Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Yep. You got another question for us?

Will there be more Jake and Amir asks Carter Waite? There will be. We're recording them this month. This month. We still need to write them. Yes. Maybe this weekend would be a good time. Write them this weekend.

Shoot them at the end of January and then release them slowly over February and March. Yeah. Which means one of them should be a March Madness ep. That's true. Our goal is to write six. Okay. And shoot six. I didn't actually know that. That's shit.

Okay. I think one should be about Musk owning Twitter. Right. And I'm sort of into the idea. I had just a random like comedy position for you to take in my head, which was, and I think we did it as a bit, maybe like when Marty and Cohen were like discussing, negotiating something for us. And I think we kept on saying like,

do you, do you need us to put like, or you forgot to put on your big boy pants today. You want daddy to step in? Yeah. This is a man's job. So maybe you're on the phone with a plumber. Right.

I'm saying, do you want daddy to step in? You like, you fucking like put, trying to put me down. Yeah. So I take the phone from you and I ruin something like, you're welcome. It's like, is he coming to fix the thing? He's like, I highly doubt it. Well, I needed him to.

Let me, let daddy drive. That's what I, that's the energy that I like. Let Jesus take the wheel. Yeah. That's good. Okay. So more of those coming for sure. Yeah. That's the energy that I like. Let Jesus take the wheel. Yeah. That's good. Okay. So more of those coming for sure. Indeed.

Here's another question. Go ahead. I hope it's okay that I read them. Yeah. I mean, I know that you want me to read one. Yeah. And I obviously have one. Yeah.

Yeah. Indeed. And here it comes. Here we go. Five, four, three, two, one. What make that pussy pop? Ah, shit. I have to pre-screen them. When you put, three, two, one. What make that pussy pop? Ah, shit. I have to pre-screen them.

When you put me on the spot like that. I feel like you zeroed in on that one. God damn it. How do you get a woman off? I'm actually curious. Why don't we answer that? Actually. How do you, how do you, excuse me.

How do you get, how do you get someone off? Let's say it's not Avital, someone you don't know. What's your. What's step zero? Yeah. What's your... What's step zero? Yeah, what's your go-to? Take me through the process. What would you do? I would smile.

Yeah. Are you trying some type of clitoral stimulation? Are you spelling the alphabet with your tongue, American Pie style? What's the current status of fate on Shuffle, says Waymes Jorner. Well, how many songs have there been i told you about the fact that we're writing a christmas song right no oh okay yeah so uh me and gareth were we're trying to get a holiday song out a christmas song it is mid january how's that going well i i got him the lyrics kind of late in December. Yeah. Too late in the game. But then we were like, it's actually really funny if we release this Christmas song.

In like March. Yeah, in the spring. Yeah. Kind of like, it's March, but I already know that Christmas is going to be sad because I'm lonely. Yeah. That kind of vibe. So yeah, the current status is that we're working on our christmas song to come out in the spring got it yeah uh actually we did get a what are your new

year's resolutions question from uh oh nice we sort of already responded to that i kind of came up with mine this morning oh what is it um i want to cook more oh yeah you had that thing for a little bit yeah the thing is thing is, I think I – Katrina is who asked that question. Okay, Katrina. So I went too hard on the cooking back when I first started. I was doing the – Full meals. On Wednesday, I would spin the globe on Monday, I think. And then on Wednesday night, I would cook wherever it landed. So I'm cooking like traditional Mongolian cuisine. Right. cook wherever it landed. So I'm cooking like traditional Mongolian cuisine. And it was really

fun. And I think it was a good jumpstart for me to understanding some basics of cooking. But it was very hard to sustain because I was like- It's overwhelming to do like an entire Burmese dinner for six. Yeah. Once a week. Yeah. And then I, and then I think I got burnt out and I, now I like help with cooking, but I don't really own any meals. Like if we're cooking something like, Oh, I'll do the protein, I'll grill it or I'll like put something in the oven. Um, but I would like to kind of, I'd like to cook for myself more. Oh, interesting. Like even if Jill's not around or something, just like make myself breakfast and make myself lunch. But I'm a lot, I'm a scrounger throughout the day. Then I help with dinner, but I'd like to take a little more Oh, interesting. That's what I usually do too. What's your resolution?

The getting organized sounds good to me. Okay. Just take that one. Yeah. Take that one and run. It's always to use my phone less and I never do it. Yeah. Rainy Night in Soho asks, ginger beer, yay or nay?

I guess I used to like a Moscow Mule. I wouldn't necessarily want one now. Ginger beer. But ginger beer is an ingredient is what I'm saying. Yeah. I wouldn't necessarily want one now. Ginger beer. But ginger beer is an ingredient, is what I'm saying. Yeah. I'm saying that too. I wouldn't want just like a loose ginger beer.

What's the difference between ginger beer and ginger ale? I guess ginger beer is alcoholic. It's not. Huh? I believe it's not. Is it not even a little? I believe no.

Wow. Casey, can we confirm or deny? I'm pretty sure it's non-alcoholic and ginger beer is like spicier. Ginger ale is like- Is it thicker? It feels a little- Yeah. It's a little more syrupy.

Yeah. Maybe it's that what it is, like more sugar. But yeah, I found that out recently too. It's like ginger beer. Because I was looking for ginger ale for something and it was like, yeah, ginger beer is just the same thing, more or less. Seems like it isn't, but yeah, I'm not really a fan of either. You don't like ginger ale. I used to only drink ginger ale and on flights. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. And now it's like, Oh, I could just have this whenever I want. And do you? Yeah. Sometimes we get it for

the house. It's good for nausea. Oh yeah. Good for nausea. Yeah. I used to get it on plates. I think because you did. It's a great, I'm on a flight drink. Yeah. But I don't do it. How imminent is Twitter's death, asks Mamp Bellick. We don't know. And I also think who cares. I've been using Twitter more and more that Musk is in charge now.

Because now there's like that whole story plus all the sports and politics that I follow. It's like ramping up yeah it's so winning it's so uninteresting to me that he owns or runs twitter like who cares i don't know he does a lot of crazy shit like he like opens the floodgates to anybody can be verified it's like oh that's a weird ass thing that he did and now we have to deal with the repercussions because he actually gets that done that's kind of crazy i guess it's just like i don't it just doesn't matter at all. Right. You fired like 75% of people and people are like, it's going to, if the site crashes,

it won't ever come up. So far it hasn't crashed yet or it's fine? I don't know. I'm confused about what's going on entirely. Weird. Whatever. Jenny Casey asks, what's your best cold remedy? You're getting sick.

Yeah. What's your go-to? You're getting sick. Yeah. What's your go-to? I don't know. I'm miserable when I have a cold, though. What do you mean? Like, I get, I go through all the stages of depression. Denial. I have, like, in the beginning.

It's allergies. No, this isn't a cold. It's just, like, a tickle in my nose. Yeah, I don't have a cold. I'm fine. Or, like, maybe this is a, it might be, like, a small yeah i don't have a cold i'm fine yeah um or like maybe this is a it might be like a small cold yeah i bet it's gonna be tomorrow yeah um and then what's what's the next bargaining yeah acceptance give me anything but this cold i'll take anything yeah then i get there yeah then i'm pissed yeah uh How did this happen to me? Why? Right. Who got me sick?

Who the fuck got me sick? I'm mad at them. So yeah, I think my remedies are usually, I just throw literally everything at it. Drink a lot of fluids, drink tea, take DayQuil, take NyQuil. Oh, you like the drugs of it all. Give me medicine. Give me every single homeopathic recipe. Like it does whatever.

Anything for any amount of relief. Yeah. That's me. And rest. medicine, give me every single homeopathic recipe. Like it does whatever, anything for any amount of relief. That's me. And rest. I feel like sleep is the number one thing. Like your body can only fight it when you're just like powered off or like in sleep mode. So like I try to sleep as much as possible, nap as much as possible, rest as much as possible. I truly look forward to going to bed every single night because I'm thinking I'll wake up the next day and it will be gone. When you're sick. Yeah. And it's always a little bit longer than you want it to be. And now it might be COVID where you literally have

a test that'll say if it's still in you or not. Yeah. And last time I had a cold, it was COVID. Yeah. Sorry about that again. Yeah. Definitely your fault, for sure. Who's your favorite character to play on GoldenEye 64 multiplayer? Who was the guy that wore the Hawaiian shirt?

Ooh. I don't remember. Hawaiian shirt in Goldeneye? Yeah. I know they're bringing it back for the Switch. I wonder if that's what he's referring to. You and I should definitely play. Yeah, I agree about that for sure.

I mean, if I wasn't Bond, I'd like to play the Hawaiian shirt guy. Hawaiian shirt guy. There was Oddjob who was sort of short and that was annoying. Yeah, yeah. Did not like playing Oddjob and I hated when other people played Oddjob.

One of the first, I searched characters in GoldenEye and the caption is, or the headline is, Oddjob in GoldenEye is cheating and we all know it.

Yeah. He's basically too short. You can't shoot him. It's hard to shoot. You gotta like adjust. Because in GoldenEye, yeah, you have to aim down and it's a game of seconds yes as soon as someone starts shooting

you're fucked especially at the rpg gun oh yeah that like rcp07 or whatever the fuck i always thought it was rpg uh alec trevelyan oh yeah i think that's it uh just the first one yeah baron simetti these all these all sound familiar yeah see their pictures do they have pictures uh let's see uh it sort of but like it looks like some of them are just characters from the movie so it's hard to say which one i mean these are just really take you back wow and 64 i it's I definitely like thought these graphics were good. Yeah, they're all so blocky. No, one more.

Other way. Yeah. Black and white dossier photos. It has all of them. All right, wait. I'm going to pull it up. Valentin Jaws Baron Semiti. It looks like none of those shirt um

okay uh but yeah hopefully it comes to the nintendo switch um best comedy clubs in new york or la writes burke millie i i'm not that uh familiar with comedy clubs uh i like flappers in burbank shout out to floppers in burbank. Shout out to Flappers in Burbank. Sorry? Do you go to comedy shows in New York? Do you know? No,

but my brother-in-law, Dan Licata, hosts a show at the Bell House. So that's when I go to a bunch. My sister performs there too. All right, a few last ones.

Shank Nanigans asks, Jake loves Blink, but what are his thoughts on other bands? Like, there are other ones. Shank Nanigans asks, Jake loves Blink, but what are his thoughts on other bands? There are other bands like Boxcar Racer, Plus 44, AVA, and Transplants. So I loved Boxcar Racer. Was not a huge fan. I basically like Tom, so Boxcar is great.

Angels and Airwaves I actually like a lot. Which is who? That like Tom. So boxcar is great. Angels and airwaves. I actually like a lot, which is who that's Tom plus 44, I believe is Mark and Travis's project. Um, and I w I don't even know the other ones, but angels and airwaves, I love as much as blink.

Um, they're different. Cause I think angels and airwaves, it's almost like I can like listen to an entire Angels and Airwaves soundtrack and not really know the difference of any of the songs. Right. It's just like, uh, it's a mood.

It's a vibe. It is a vibe. I used to listen to it and I would like take the train home from New York. Um, I listened to it sometimes when I go on a run. Um, all right. Two last questions. Yeah. Power Scream asks, what's the max number of kissless hangouts with a new lady before accepting? It's just platonic. Max? I don't think there's a max number. I mean, 100, it's probably not a romantic thing. 50, 20, 10, 5. More and more charged. I think that like

if it's a new person and you hang out, I don't know. It all... 5. I'll say 5. It all depends. It's gotta be 5. It's gotta be a kiss within the first 5. I think it's 3. 3. Somewhere between 3 and 5. And then one last

question. Ring rule them all. Ringmaster Jojo asks, which one of you is going to, spoiler alert, die first? Great question. I think if one of us is going to die young, it'll be me. But if we both make it to 70, it'll be me. If one of us is dying of old age, it'll be you. Interesting. So it's still sort of a crapshoot.

Yeah. What do you think? Well, I'm older. Not by much. Not by much. But average-wise, I'll die first. But you do more biking. That's dangerous.

Flying, dangerous. Driving. A lot of high-danger activity. Right. You also have childhood obesity. Is that safe to say? Late onset. danger activity right you also have childhood obesity is that late onset you have type four through seven diabetes yeah which is a huge one hepatitis d which is all of the above which is so fucked up um and um that heel issue which i assume will spread to your heart i'm actually the feet are fine.

Fully healed? Fully healed. The heels are fully healed. Yeah. Wow. So what's your new thing? I have a sort of sore lower back from tennis and stuff. Interesting.

My shoulders feel tight. Always? Is that a forever thing? I don't know. I think I could, I think I could like do more stretching. When I stretch a lot, I feel pretty good. And then sometimes I just don't stretch and my hip flexors get tight I think I could do more stretching. When I stretch a lot, I feel pretty good. And then sometimes I just don't stretch.

And my hip flexors get tight and my shoulders get tight. So that's kind of it. Got to manage that. I've also been like every once in a while, like right now, I have like a tiny bit of neck pain when I turn to the left too far. And that's really annoying because I've also had it where I can only turn that far. That's not enough. And that's awful. Yeah.

So I'm always nervous if it's coming back. What about your wrist thing, the tendonitis? Oh, yeah. That's better too. That's good. Yeah. I have this thing with my left thumb. I can crack my knuckle in my right thumb. My left thumb, I feel like it's sore.

But always. Interesting. It's almost like whatever's going on here is just a forever bruise. Yeah, that's just your thumb now. That's forever, yeah. Yeah, that's your new thumb. Yes, exactly. My new thumb.

Have you met my new thumb? Yeah. There are some things, it's basically, if you can't kick it in three months, that's new you. Yes, exactly.

It's part of you forever. So you guys have that to look forward to, I guess. Yeah. That's it. We got a lot of questions. We answered a lot of questions. We answered a lot of questions. We did our best.

We did. Or should I say we did our breast. You should say best. For more of us, you can check us out on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. We're watching Jake and Amir videos. That's right. Memory lane style going down, recanting old tales of wives, actually. Yeah.

And your. And your. And your. And if you have your own questions that you want us to answer on a more normal-ish advice-based episode like Jake's Ecuadorian Uber driver. Lift. Lift driver.

Excuse me. You can email us at ifireashow at gmail.com. That's right. That theme song. Do you remember who wrote it? It was steady, ed, Steady Eddie. Oh, yeah. It was like strong C, C strong, C steady.

C hard. C hard. And Speddy Edds. Nice. Colton Hardy. Colton Hardy. How dope is that? Hope you like the song.

We do like the song. Thank you, Colton. Thanks to you guys for listening, and we'll be back next week. Ciao. Bye. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir If I were you

I'd write Jake and Amir Save your questions here It's Jake and Amir That make your problems disappear If you got a problem They'll solve it Check out this hook while those two Jews resolve it That was a Hiddem Original.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

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