Segments - 576: Nose Picker

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

In this episode we discuss cheeseburgers, smegma and tiny benches. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Jake and Amir Tell us what to do Work through our problems On a five-a-youth Jake can't teach us how to text

Amir is the devil's advocate Don't be coy, this show is kinda dirty Why won't Amir stop getting turdies? Jake and Amir They tell us what to do Our problems are infinite On a five with you From Starbucks debt to bad impressions

Real advice with a thousand digressions Jake and Amir You fix everything by just being here Would you say that's now the official song of If I Were You? No. Jake and Amir what? I wouldn't say that that was the official theme song of If I Were You. It was good.

I mean, it was great. I will go so far as to say we officially have a new theme song for the end of the episode and for every episode moving forward That's right So 500 plus episodes Of using a new one

And you're finally ready to settle Just on this one I think we found the perfect theme song I thought that was incredible I don't think we need another If you've written one already Thank you but This one is the ace, okay?

I disagree. I'd like to hear more theme songs. If you've written one already, especially, you should send them. Honestly, this one is a few years old. I just found it thinking that we might not have ever played it before, but there's a chance we had. No, I would have remembered. I would have made it the official theme song. Let's not even thank or shout out this person.

Why? Because we can just make it the official theme song, and I feel like that's more than enough. I want to send her a contract so that we can use it in perpetuity without credit starting eight minutes ago. Yeah, I feel like when you send them, that's kind of an, it's a quid pro quo contract. Yeah. You write, we don't have artist agreements with anyone who's ever sent in a theme song. Actually, reply.

But they can only cease and desist one episode of the podcast. I wanted to send her a cease and desist so that she can't ever hear this song again. A cease and desist? I'm actually a beast with the assist. I'm going to send her a cease and insist, as in, I insist you stop countersuing me. No, but really, you want to just move on right into the episode?

No. Okay. Yeah. No, but really, you want to just move on right into the episode? No. Okay. Yeah. The Instagram is itsmissyfaye, F-A-Y-E. Thank you. And I'm a dreamy sort of soft rock musician from Vancouver, British Columbia. Oh, sick.

I was just in Vancouver. Lovely city. You two have given me enormous amounts of joy over the years, and I'm so grateful for the escape. You really do deserve so much more than this. Perhaps a golden mic each. Not each, but that's really cool. That's really cool. Can we move on into the episode?

I have some really impressive, pressing news to share. Okay. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And I received my Starbucks urine review moments before.

Moments before we recorded. And I have it right here. So the app Starbucks sends you you it tells me what my favorite drink was what do you think it was uh from that chocolate foam thing that you were saying no that was 2021 jackass that was in 2021 you were pretty into this the milkshake i was very into it yes in 2021 but this is my year in review of 22 uh cold brew exactly right exactly right nice now now do you want to guess how many store visits i had to starbucks in 2022 um and if you get it within five, I'll give you $1,000. Wow.

Okay. So here's what I know. If this was 2018 or something, that number would be close to 350. If it was 20, it would have been over 365. Over. So I think it would have been more than once a day. Yes. Every day. Yes. Would that fail?

Every single day guaranteed, and sometimes I'd go twice. Okay. But this is a brave new me. It's 2023. Of course, this is 2022 we're talking about, but how many store visits? And $1,000 is on the line for you? Store visits as in like across all stores? Across all stores.

How many times did I order a drink on the Starbucks app? Well, I know you've been going to like more local haunts. Your whatever the one you sent me to near your house that one time yes yes yes the cotter barber indeed yeah devotion or whatever yes yes devotion very nice but obviously you weren't off starbucks entirely you were still traveling potentially hung over at an airport one day you needed the green goddess to. I go home to Connecticut. There's no Starbucks, or there's no good local coffee near my parents' house. Yeah. I have to go to Starbucks there.

I wonder if that's even true, or if you just sort of convince yourself you have to go to Starbucks there. I mean, I could go. I definitely drive close enough to another coffee shop for sure. 65 is my guesstimate. 65. About, yeah, four or five times a month. Unfortunately, you do owe me $1,000.

The answer is 47. That's not bad. It's close, but within five was the challenge. So are you proud of 47, or is that higher or lower than you think? It's kind of both, oddly. You thought it was less, but it's still a solid amount for a coffee shop you're kind of trying to avoid. Yeah, I'm happy that it's under 50.

You know, that's over a month of Starbucks that seems maybe a lot but that's fine do I have that? does everyone have that app? well no it was just an email oh so it's not like baked into the Starbucks app

do you have the Starbucks app? I do okay and do you use it when you go shopping? sorry when you go to Starbucks I'm at Target and I'm just using the Starbucks app well I do all my shopping at Starbucks can I get

that 2% milk 12 croissants name one thing that they don't have a carton of eggs that you use to make the egg wrap thing you should be able to find it A carton of eggs that you use to make the egg wrap thing. You should be able to find it. Yeah.

Where is it? I see offer, scan, home. It came to me from Starbucks Rewards. And the subject is, it was a treat treating you in 22 is this because you went there a thousand times in over three years that they treat you like some sort of vip yes i'm the equivalent of a million miler at starbucks uh i get to brew my own coffee if i want to there yeah i don't see a year in review thing oddly enough it was a treat treating you starbucks treat uh oh actually the last time i got an email from starbucks about a treat is uh open on your birthday so i'm gonna get another one of those coming up treating you is our favorite thing we can redeem on 118 hell yeah oh interesting so you don't have So you don't have this?

I guess I don't. Transaction history. I wonder if you could see it in your... I mean, this is not interesting anymore, I guess, because now we're not even talking about the visits. We're talking about where to find them if you have them. Yeah, let us know if you've gotten them. You might be able to go into the app and see. Yeah, we'll take a look during a break.

Is there any more data that they give you? Your most common drink they give you? How many stores you visited? How many? Let me see. They give me some general information. Yeah. Like the trends.

70% like it cold. Kind of of interesting that's just in general for you specifically no that's that's in general i basically 100 like it cold yeah do you ever get a hot 60 like it custom sorry do you ever get a hot coffee not at starbucks i have before i'll i sometimes i'll get like an espresso or something i remember i did that in denver yeah i was on the road feeling sluggish it's 4 p.m i don't want a cold brew so i just got a single espresso that's cool yeah feeling i don't usually do that feeling cold may delete later uh what was the number one fun drink customization trend we saw this year topping starbucks refreshers what's that i don't know a refresher i yeah i don't i don't know

it doesn't wow three plus million cheese danishes were sold okay now you're just reading the stock report you're an investor or something and they sent you like the annual report you're the one that made me fucking go open the email again i was done when i told you my store visits um oh starbucks refresher i think are like the syrup that they put on like drinks to make them like yellow or purple you you know, like mango dragon fruit Starbucks refresher beverage. So I think they added to like sparkling water to make it colorful and flavorful. That's interesting. What else can we say about Starbucks? I'm going to Postmates you a pink drink, Starbucks refresher beverage.

Okay. It looks like strawberry milk, but there's full chunks of dried strawberries in there. Actually, I don't really need it, but I do want you to waste your money, so go for it. I went to a movie yesterday. I saw Megan. Megan. I've heard good things. It was great, and shout out friend of the pod, Allison Williams, for crushing it yet again. Big shout out. Very entertaining movie. Highly recommend.

Hell yeah. And a friend that I went with, Sean Perlman, who will never hear this, got an Icy. An Icy? An Icy. I-C-E-E. Did they have those back east? I mean, just like the frozen drink at the movies? The frozen drink at the movies.

Exactly right. I don't know. Is Marika in the room? She would know. Yeah. She's not. I think they do. I assume it's a national thing.

Yeah. It's got that red straw with the spoon at the bottom. The? She would know. Yeah, she's not. I think they do. I assume it's a national thing. Yeah. It's like, it's got that red straw with like the spoon at the bottom, like the straws open up. Yeah. And I had like a little bit of his and it like just totally brought me back to like getting Icy's. Like I haven't gotten an Icy in 35 years, but like I remember the flavor and the texture and the taste. It was incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Isn't it crazy how the senses will do that? Sometimes just like, yeah, you smell something and you're transported. Yeah. I used to think that the straws were normal red straws. And the more you drink, the more it like opened at the bottom and became a spoon. Oh, wow. One day I'm like, I'm going gonna test it right away to see how open it is and it was open already i'm like wait a minute i've been drinking from the straw thinking it

opens into a spoon but it's been a spoon the entire time that's so dumb now now i use the the straw spoon to eat soup yeah you take it you have one you have one on your key ring, right? It's a customized silver icy spoon straw, and I drink fucking matzo ball soup with it. It's on my key smart. Yeah, exactly right. Your key smart. My key smart is key smartless.

All right. So that's, I guess, my unsolicited advice is to see Megan a little bit early, but I wanted to get that out there. Sweet. I'll see it this weekend. Okay. I got a question from a dude. Actually, this might be a lady. It's called Doodle Dilemma.

Do you remember sending me this one? Yes. Yes, I do. It's like doodle, I should say. That's funny. Is this a lady? I don't know. Okay, so some background. I've always doodled in the margin of my notes.

It's always something I do to keep my hands busy. Usually things like geometric design or different shading, silly abstract things. Recently, however, my friend took my paper and drew a vagina on it. I think it was a joke. I vagina on it. I think it was a joke. I don't remember. I think it was a joke. I don't know if it was being serious. Anyway, I'm talking spread eagle butthole detail and everything. I thought it was neat that you could make it so

realistic looking. And so sometimes I doodle that. Cut to today. My professor was checking my lab notebooks, and I completely blanked that it was in there. I showed it to him while he flipped through and suddenly cleared his throat and quickly closed my notebook and gave it back to me. I knew instantly what had happened. I'm so completely mortified,

I don't know if I should tell him something or pretend it didn't happen. I think he was avoiding me for the rest of class and I straight up cannot look this man in the face. It was our last lab, so maybe it's just not worth bringing it up. Let me know what you think. Even if you don't answer this on the

show, send me something to make me laugh. I just keep thinking about it and getting embarrassed all over again. Oh my god. So yes, just send them a gif that will make over again. Oh, my God. So, yes, just send them a GIF that will make them laugh. Oh, that's good. Actually, we're shooting this as the two-studio setup,

so it's kind of a nicer camera. I'm going to show a GIF that keeps making me laugh, but you can answer this question. Okay. I guess my question is what do you tell the professor that like smooths this over it's like oh sorry i i drew a vagina and anus in the in the margin yeah like there's the truth is just that you did this and there's not really any it's kind of like it feels almost like somebody walking in on you in the bathroom yeah it's embarrassing but you'll think about it and it's embarrassing but

there's nothing nothing can be done to come back from it right it's also not that embarrassed like what's the embarrassing thing like okay i drew a vagina and you saw it and now what like that's fine ultimately it's embarrassing i wouldn't want if i had that on my notebook i wouldn't want anyone to see it yeah i mean it's a lesson really don't doodle that in a notebook yeah at least one that you use for school were you a doodler i think i was I mean yeah I think I doodled never anything erotic but yeah yeah doodle I doodle even now really just I mean nothing yeah yeah I do actually paint

manga erotica so I'll do some pretty hyper specific cocks throbbing yeah this was the gif that I wanted to show which camera should I show this to is it too far away you can stretch your hand out right here

I'll stretch it out I definitely can't see it even remotely it's a guy slowly pushing a hot dog maybe we can have Grim digitally insert it. It's a guy pushing a hot dog into his mouth, and it looks like some sort of painting. If you search hot dog in your iMessage app,

Ben Schwartz sends me that a lot, and it's always funny. I guess if you search hot dog in your GIF app, there's just a lot of funny GIFs in general. Right. That's actually a good point for uh finding questions hot dog is a funny it's a funny pairing of words yeah these are all really funny there's one of a hot dog dancing there's one of a guy with uh 50 hot dogs in his mouth wow so this is our podcast now it's instead of us doing comedy we just are we're describing funny gifs. This one's pretty good, actually.

It says, hot dog, we have a wiener. And it's sort of the peanut butter jelly time banana guy. That's good. But it's, what do you call it? No, you can't even describe it. It's like the sausage link. The fucking thing. The tube.

The bologna tube. You know what I'm talking about. The fucking thing. The tube. The bologna tube. You know what I'm talking about. The casing? No, the fucking meal. The thing that you eat at a ball game. You said link. Yeah, like a link. What's it called?

The fucking pink tube. I feel like you said the right thing already. The pink tube with the bun and you can have it with mustard or ketchup. Are you talking about the hot dog? Yeah, the hot dog yeah the hot dog exactly right and he's sort of dancing to the to the beat

to the what yeah so I don't know if you can't really see it it's too far away obviously you can't really see it yeah

you can't really see it and you can't really describe it and you're just distracted you have your laptop and your phone open I have an iPad right here

playing a Netflix show, Yellowstone, season three. And I'm FaceTiming on an Android and I'm reading on an Amazon Fire Kindle. Let's take a break. I'm obviously overstimulated. I'm still fucking rolling from the icy. Let's reset.

You're on a sugar high my teeth are pink i'm freaking the fuck out all right let's take a break thank some sponsors and come back with more questions after these messages thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out.

But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to

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Yeah, you do. Nice. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! That was gross. No.

Not personally, do you? I had something that I wish I had taken, but I didn't. Oh, okay. Let's hear it. I guess I can open it up to you. Do you have an umbrella? Yes. Right, so I don't have an umbrella, thinking that most of the time I don't need one, obviously. That's true, yeah. And then it comes time to need one, and I just don't have an umbrella thinking that most of the time I don't need one, obviously. That's true. Yeah. And then it comes time to need one and I just don't have one.

Yeah. Umbrellas were easier not to have in New York because it was like if it's raining, you just get one at the store right next to your apartment. Yeah. They just sort of leave them on the street. Yeah. But now now you're in L.A. So without an umbrella, you're kind of out. Well, I mean, you have a car. Your garage is connected to your house. That's right. You drive—I guess it's just about that brief walk into the office or something. Sort of make the pros and cons of like every time you would use the umbrella and then the cons of like having to have an umbrella and keep an umbrella and have it in your car and shake it off. And, you know, to me, it's always just like it's never entirely worth it individually for every event. They don't take up very much space.

I mean, I just have an umbrella in my closet. It's completely non-intrusive. Are you using it completely non-intrusive huh i see are you using it for every rainy day um yeah if it's gonna rain i'll put it in my backpack it's a compact umbrella and you um wear it to the subway and then you sort of shake it and i wear it to the subway i hold it to the subway and then you get downstairs and you sort of you never seen an umbrella i've seen it sounds like you you said you wanted of close it. Have you never seen an umbrella? It sounds like you said you wanted an umbrella. It sounds like you're pitching

against them now. Now I'm deciding whether I should have one at all. Yeah, I wear the umbrella on my wrist and I hold it as I walk to the subway and as I'm going down, I contract it, shake it

off, tie her up, put the little cover on it oh you're doing the cover you're going to cover you have the tiny little cover just for the subway taking the cover off when you get off what's going on my backpack yeah yeah yeah wow that's that's a full that's the full monty are you ever getting a power umbrella a fucking long ass powerful umbrella with a wooden hook handle or are you doing like a little fucking duane reed little dingus like oh shit it's broken ah god damn it's inside out yeah i walk i walk to the subway i shake it off press the button trip down the stairs rake my neck lie in a puddle, screaming, help me. Get impaled on one of the prongs.

I have several umbrellas. I have a menagerie of umbrellas. Really? Okay. Okay. Yes. Yes. And I'll tell you about them if you shut up for two seconds.

Okay? Okay. Can I? Yeah. Let's hear it. Do I have the floor? Yes, you have the floor. When I rescued my dog, I decided that I needed a golf umbrella because I didn't want to stand out in the rain and getting wet and having him get wet and having him shake off his fur when he comes inside.

You know what I mean? So I got an umbrella that has a six-foot canopy. Jesus. Enormous. It is so sturdy. It is so strong. I go out there and it's like I'm under a tent. People huddle near me for warmth.

I've seen several young children rushed toward me on the street so they could have shelter from the rain sick dogs cats the rats i'm like fucking nova with his dumb ass arc with this umbrella i'm serious so is it like at that size, is it even like a button that expands it automatically? Or are you like fully pressing up? You wish it was a button. It is a crank. I need two men to help me. I bring it out on a wheelbarrow. It's a beach umbrella.

It's a beach umbrella. I use a winch to get it standing straight. A winch? I have a winch for this wench. Yes. It is planted in the ground. I have one man under the latch. There's no way.

There's too big. Raise the umbrella. You're talking about it. And then I have my harem to lift the umbrella. It's too big. And parade me down the street. And you have, do you really have an umbrella so big

that you and your dog fit underneath it? I do actually have a six foot golf umbrella. It is strong. It is sturdy. It's button. So I bring it outside and that thing, it pops.

You feel it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And. It's a, yeah. And I go out there and it's a three foot radius all around me. Wow. And the dog stays close enough to have it or it's like sort of in and out of that little. I stay, I mean, I stay close.

I don't give him any space. You give him a tight leash. Yeah. I'm just with him. Yeah. And he doesn't like the rain. He doesn't want to be out there either. You're sort of holding him up to your chest like it's a hostage negotiation while you walk down the street.

I crawl with him. I crawl with him and I piss too to encourage that behavior. Because I have to incentivize his, yeah, exactly. His urination, yeah. He doesn't just do it with his. It's kind of a mimicry. So you have to literally take a dump onto little patches of grass so that he sees what you were doing. Exactly, exactly right.

You guys take turns expressing each other's anal glands under this. And he holds the umbrella while I shit. It sounds like he's walking you, quite honestly. Yeah, and he does sleep with Jill, and I sleep in the little crate. Got it. I don't know who's, but he eats the dog food,

and I eat the dinner. So we really do share obligations. He's doing the next podcast. We're recording two today, but Dingo is going to be co-hosting the next one. It's clear to me now that Dingo is this, I guess, Italian guy in a dog costume that you rescued. Oh, come on.

Just because he sleeps with Jill? Yes! That's a huge part of it. You're being cucked by your mutt. Actually, speaking of being cucked by a dog, I was also going to mention, just speaking of my dog's penis that um i i did clean the shmegma from his wiener yesterday when i got home what's that you've never heard of shmegma before i feel like it was a big thing when we were in high school. It's kind of like the pus mucus thing that collects under the foreskin.

And he was sort of licking himself and had this little buildup? Yeah, I saw this kind of like a weird little discharge near his penis. And I thought it was an infection and I Googled it and I read that it was just shmegma and it was fine. But you're supposed to clean it. Would you use to clean it a fucking PETA chip? You fucking gross freak. I bet you used a fucking PETA chip, you freak.

What do you use to clean your dog's shmegma if you've never ever done it? And Luke just fucking is covered in shmegma and you pick him ever done it? And Luke just fucking is covered in shmegma and you pick him up and you kiss him. He's not covered in shmegma. I love you, Luke. No, he's not covered in shmegma.

Because at least my dog doesn't have the shmegma because I did clean it. With? With a paper towel. With a paper towel. And one pita chip. You sick fuck.

He's snide prick. Have you ever seen this little Red rocket come out? I've seen the lipstick, yeah. It's alarming. It's eye opening. It's humbling, actually.

It's actually really dangerous is what it is for me to see that. To know that a little pooch is more well hung than I'll ever be is kind of cool. It's actually really, really, really cool. It's awe-inspiring is what it is. It gives me something to try to attain.

It sort of lightens the bridge between now and the future. Who's my role model? It's my dog in 10 years. My dog's dick in 10 minutes. Because he's going to hump the couch. I'm jealous of that

energy. We got a question about weed, I was going to say. Nice, 420 style. Oh wait, lastly, should I get an umbrella? Is that what you're suggesting? Where should I get an umbrella is that what you're suggesting where should i get an umbrella yeah get a small umbrella and get with a little if you're if you're anti-shaking then get it with the little um the little sleeve that it can go into oh and get a button pusher um and a compact umbrella because you don't really need it for any kind of long walking. Thanks.

I needed to hear that. Yeah. And I'd keep it in, you know how you walk in your house to the right, there is the little bench where you have your shoes? The little bench? Yeah. I know there's a bench where I have my shoes. Okay. I wouldn't say it's a fucking, a little bench.

Like it's like a place where like a fucking six-year-old girl has a tea party. I see that there's a power bench where I have my tools. So you don't have any tools. I asked you, we were looking at your dishwasher. Yeah, it's broken. I asked you if you had any tools. I didn't have any tools. And you said, oh, the guy left this.

And you handed me a small little pack of screwdriver heads for a drill. Drill bits. And I'm looking at your dishwasher for you. I asked you for tools and you handed me drill bits like they

would be any use in anything I could possibly do. The dishwasher was broken. It's absolutely broken. Like it was a scavenger hunt for tools instead of, you know, actually finding something useful. He came back for the bits

and I played dumb. By the way, it is a very small bench. Not to bring it up. Don't die a star bench. Not to belabor the way, it is a very small bench. Don't I stop bench. Not to belabor the point, but it's a tiny bench and you have little doll shoes on it. What I'm doing there is building a house, a miniature, a miniature house. A miniature. Yeah.

So there is a little doll house and there's a little teacup set. But it's not like a little cutesy bench or whatever. Anyway, I'll try to keep an umbrella there. I would put the umbrella in the back of the bench against the wall. You can still put a pair of shoes in front of it. As long as it's a big enough bench that it has two inches of clearance and can still accept a pair of shoes. But it might be too small for that. Do more people have umbrellas or just say fuck it not interested it's an interesting question i bet more people don't yeah it's close to 50 because i think a lot of people they're just like i'll get wet or i'll get a rain jacket and deal with it whatever there's a lot of there's a lot

of cities and towns that are just built for cars you know you you walk out of your apartment complex and you're in a covered garage you drive to like the mall you never really have to go outside there are places that are built where you don't have to go outside very much but then i bet in places where it's like it rains all the time people are like yeah i just have a rain jacket and rain shoes and rain this so i don't have to hold an umbrella it might be like a sign of like you're you're new here that you need an umbrella maybe or it might be a i feel like people wear it rains all the time know how to prepare for for wet weather so they have the umbrella they have the rain jacket they have the waterproof shoes they have it all they need nothing they need nothing. They want nothing.

And you are nothing. Except a guy with no tools and a tiny ass bench. I actually used an umbrella from a tropical drink for a day to try to stave away some of the moisture. Yeah, a little tiki. You're better off holding the drink upside down on your head. Which, yeah, I tried that once too, and I was covered in this syrupy piña colada drink. A Mai Tai. Yeah.

All right. We have a question about weed for crying out loud. All right, go ahead. I have a big problem that I need your help with. First things first, my dad hates weed. I don't really care about it myself. It's not for me. On the other hand, my two brothers often partake in the drug.

They sneak away to the garage and get high at least three times a week. My dad knows what's going on and recruited me as a spy to try to rat them out. He oftentimes comes up to me out of nowhere and asks me if I gathered any info. And I, of course, say no. I don't want to tell on my brothers and I don't want to keep lying to my dad so what should I do thanks for your help p.s. I don't think talking this out with my dad is gonna work yeah do you partake. And I don't like doing it now. But when I was younger, it's fine. You don't like lying to your dad as an adult. But when you're younger it's fine i don't lie to him now but yeah when you could lie to him about weed that's kind of like a classic standard what you should lie to your parents

about you're not even lying about your own use you're just lying about not seeing your brother why don't you just not spy and then i'll say did you see anything and then you'll say no yeah well he's not spying and he's not saying anything. But his dad's like, you should go out there and fucking be my inside man. I thought his dad recruited him to spy and then he'll say, did you see anything? Yeah, I think that's what's happening. So he says you recruited him to spy and you just don't actually ever spy. So then his dad is...

You could get out of it, but without anything you could just be like dad i have better things to do i have homework i have a part-time job i i'm masturbating to hentai porn in my bedroom there's just you don't have to say i didn't see anything or you don't have to say they're they're smoking you know you just say i'm not I'm not looking for any other number of reasons. Yeah. It is funny that weed is sort of stigmatized more than drinking. A lot of kids, their parents are fine with you drinking beer, but don't do drugs is the prevailing theory.

Especially because everybody kind of admits that weed's not bad, and the thing against it was always that it was a gateway drug. Right. But like alcohol is not even a gateway thing. Alcohol is just like bad and can ruin your life on its own. Yeah. And weed is a gateway drug to other bad drugs like hell, maybe alcohol. So just go straight to alcohol. Don't go through the gateway of weed. But, you know, if you're under 18, it's illegal. So you shouldn't be doing any of this stuff. Am I right? Weed is illegal under 18?

I believe so. Weed and cigarettes. Yeah. I guess it depends on the state. Maybe. Some states, weed is illegal just for everybody. Right. So even in states where it's legal, you have to be 18, I guess to smoke, but you have to

be 18 to eat weed? Yeah, probably you have to be 18 to buy weed, to eat weed. In California, it's 21. Oh, in California, it's 21, says Casey. So it's, wait, so cigarettes are 18? I think they just upped it in California to 21. Oh, wow. 21 across the board.

In California. In California. Right 21 across the board. In California. In California. Right. Across the board in your state. Yeah. Would you rather your kid at age 18, where it's too young but still kind of a fully formed voting adult, be into cigarettes, weed, or alcohol? Hmm. cigarettes weed or alcohol hmm probably

i guess eight uh 18 alcohol even though i know that's not smart all right cool but i feel like i just i don't like the stoner energy i would i wouldn't want to deal with that i wouldn't want like a little fish head running around my house yeah like he's trying to grow dreads and has a black light poster yeah he's listening like i also like alcohol so i understand the impulse right what do you like it because it makes you feel loose yeah i can make you feel loose why don't you wrestle your old man maybe in the backyard don't role play anything you just said okay I can make you feel loose it's not

well in this world you're sort of a chiropractor yeah I hope what was the other option oh cigarettes books I was going to say books poetry and stuff like that but you said alcohol yeah alcohol over books that's because I don't like the nerd Oh, cigarettes? Cigarettes are definitely bad. Books. I was going to say books, poetry, and stuff like that. But you said alcohol? Yeah, alcohol over books.

That's because I don't like the nerd energy. What about you? I already know the answer. What's the answer? And it's weed. Weed. I would want my, yeah, I don't know. I guess you can't really die from weed, and you can die from alcohol.

Yeah, that's why I think it's smarter. And it's probably more of a phase than alcohol because alcohol is kind of like I really think that alcohol just sticks with you if you start liking it early. Perhaps. Perhaps. All right. Let's take a break. Come back. Answer another question after these messages love it thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl

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And we are back. Yeah. We got one last question to rule them all. All right. Hey, guys. Love you and the and the show is from a lady uh i'm writing to you because i think you are the most appropriate people to give me advice on this great at work my desk is perpendicular to the new guy's desk which means i can see him at all times i don't know if he's completely dumb or he thinks I can't see him or that this is normal to him because he's French. But this dude is fucking gross.

He picks his nose and eats the boogers. I don't know what to do about it. Every time he does it, he makes me want to barf. And I'm thinking of saying something because it's getting more and more frequent. How can I get him to stop without making things awkward for the both of us? Thank you. Thank you. Love.

I don't know. Megan. All right, Megan. I was curious about this question because you pick your nose and eat it. So I was wondering, like, I guess what's the impulse there for when you eat your boogers? Like when you pick your nose and eat your own crusty ass burger? Why are you doing that? I don't.

I do not. Is it just like a compulsion? Does it taste good? Is it an old habit that you never kicked? I've seen too sometimes where you pull out your bottom lip, cover it over your nostril. No way. And just like blow directly into your mouth to kind of create more of a, I guess like a gusher effect.

So you can suck from the teat of your nostril. Sort of this positive feedback loop where you're puking boogers up into your nose and out of your ass and like this hula hoop of shit so i'm understanding i'm trying to understand the why of it all for you because i think that it's not french i think we can safely say it's not just a french thing because you're israeli and yes i'm not french i'm not French. I'm not French. There you have it, folks. He admitted it. That's nothing.

That's a nothing burger. I do pick my nose, that being said. Not proud of it, but it does feel good. And to just get a nice boogie out of there. There's no greater feeling, I guess. Some of my hobbies slash good feelings are gross. I like to fart. It feels nice. There's a good relief there.

It's gross, obviously. Picking my nose. It's like scratching an itch. That's just always there. Also feels good. But I would never. Nor have I ever eaten my booger. it's trash to me that i discard where do you you just flick it in a random any random direction you're at home do you yeah it's tough that's a kind of a constant struggle that i'm dealing with sometimes i'll

try to put it on like a piece of trash that i'm like about to throw away anyway like a paper towel i'm not done talking well i'm asking you if you get a huge honking burger booger excuse me i get a little hamburger out of my nose huge huge booger yeah there's nowhere to put it what do you do with it sometimes i'll hold it until i go to a sink or a toilet and I'll put it there. Sometimes I'll put it in trash that I'm going to discard. Sometimes I'll put it in like an old water bottle or a drink bottle. And sometimes there's nowhere for it to go. Flick it.

Flick it good. I never eat it. I'm telling you I never eat it. And I'm obviously not French. No, I'm a nose picker too. You and I both have this same bad habit where we pick our nose. Why does it feel so good, I wonder? I don't know.

It's cathartic. It's satisfying to remove the blockage. Yeah. But I also think it's just like a nervous tick. Because I will not pick my nose at all and make a conscious effort not to yeah and then like something will start to stress me out and i just like put my thumb in my nose interesting it's kind of like sucking your thumb yeah it's something i can control everything is all going awry all around me but i i i can keep my nose clean with my finger.

What's your finger of choice? Let's fucking get into it. Mostly right index. Really? I'm a thumb. That's too big. My thumb is too big for my nostrils. Yeah.

I just like to thumb it out like a shovel. And then suck it down like an oyster oh no you do not clams casino man now i'm thinking about god all this talk i can make you want to pick it right now i like it's such a distinct i can feel you know what it feels like to be young and have like you're outside, there's snot running down your lips and you kind of like can go like that. You just, it's, you taste like the saltiness of it, you know, like I wouldn't want to, when it happens by accident, you never, I would never, I also would never actually eat a booger.

I think that's absolutely foul. But I feel like knowing that it's salty i can almost understand the impulse this is french or otherwise i do think i have french grossest thing we've ever i'm saying i have french ancestry you know when you sort of suck up through your nose and sometimes hawk a loogie, but sometimes you don't? You swallow it? That's kind of the same thing. It certainly is.

It certainly is. And doesn't it kind of taste good when you have a loogie in the back of your throat? It's salty. How is this the grossest thing after 10 years? My unsolicited advice next week might be to eat your own boogers. I'm going to give it a shot. I've never done it, but I will admit that I imagine it tastes fine to good. I don't think it tastes bad.

Otherwise, no one would do it. Yeah, I mean, it's an acquired taste, I'm sure, like any bitter salty thing. It's not the first thing you desire. I don't think a salty thing is an acquired taste. I think humans just crave salty things. I don't think that's acquired at all. I think that's innate in our fucking genealogy. Yeah. When you described your nose running into your mouth so blissfully, it's pretty obvious you do like the taste of it. You're not trying to be hypothetical anymore.

Yeah. I'm admitting that it's salty and good. But I'm saying despite knowing that, I have enough pride and I know my worth that I'm not going to eat my own boogers. But if snot dribbles into my mouth, am I not going to enjoy it? If you prick me, do I I not bleed life is about these simple

pleasures yeah and I try to dress sort of light in the winter so that I get it cold that way the runny nose is not anything bad it's sort of just like this positive nutritional river that flows back into me is that I would never do this but i like i i kind of want her it sounds like she's on the cusp of confronting this guy which i think he deserves to have happen to him and if she doesn't feel like the shame like and she shouldn't it is shameful for him i kind of want that to. I would never be able to do it. Yeah. But if you can do it,

by all means. I think you could just be like, I can see you picking your nose and eating it and it's grossing me out. It's making me feel sick. To say that to somebody is so confrontational.

Yeah. Maybe there's a way to, but like he's actually making her physically ill. If she's actually about to throw up. Yeah, I mean you should. Maybe there's another, if it's me, I find another orientation for the computer so I never see it. Yeah, but like, yeah, like what's the adult thing to do to like tell your boss to tell him to just say it to him as like a, you know, a grown up to another grown up?

Go to HR. Yeah, he's picking his notes. There's not like a specific thing in the manual of like, you can't do this. Yeah. I mean, if your company has HR, I think I actually would try to do that because they went to school for this exact type of thing. There must be a system in place. What if you do the passive aggressive, like, do you need a tissue?

Then it's like, I'm just being helpful because you're eating your boogers. Do you need a tissue? That's's like, I'm just being helpful because you're eating your boogers. Do you need a tissue? Yeah, that's not bad. That's not bad. But I will say there's probably something about hygiene in the HR handbook if you work at a Fortune 500 company. Right. Would you rather sit next to a farter or a booger eater? Booger eater.

I can turn away and ignore that. You can't ignore a fart. Interesting. booger eater i can turn away and ignore that you can't ignore a fart interesting i think i'd go farter because farters don't like gross me out to see it's just uh yeah you would go what if it's what if it smelled awful what if it just smelled like shit near you all day well you wouldn't notice because you're farting you're farting too is the thing anybody that sits near you is sitting next to a booger picker and a farter farter. Like, what would I rather do? I work with you.

I'd have both. I, every time, when I was at your house the other day, you were ripping ass, flicking boogers, guzzling the snot from your, direct from your nose. It's disgusting. It's despicable. Let's see you say that shit when you're in the same studio. I dare you to, I feel like you're brazen now that you're like make a note make a note to confront amir next time i'm in la all right you're gonna be here next emma emma make a note that we're gonna talk about this irl and actually we're we're gonna fight We're going to fight. No way.

I was just sort of trying to act tough. I'm not actually down to fight you. Come to New York, dude. Come to New York. I'm going to kick your ass in the studio on the podcast. No. I hope everyone's subscribed on YouTube. I'm actually going to beat you up when you come here.

How? Like not even play wrestling. Yeah. I'm going to fucking give you a beat down. Wow. What happened? I like hit my hand too hard against my other, my fist or my open hand, my fist or my open hand,

my fist against my open hand. When you beat me up, it's going to be a lot harder than that. You're going to be hitting bone. Ah, Ooh. And then I was shaking it to kind of like feel better, but it hurt my wrist.

Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm being, you're losing a fight. I was looking at my wrist and it like tweaked my neck in this really weird way

try not to move the episode's over it's spreading pass the tissue that's the final result that's the final advice I say HR alright HR

or hey would you like a tissue? That way it's sort of a passive-aggressive but helpful offering. You could go even more passive-aggressive and just put a tissue box on his desk. He won't even know who it's from. That's good. Secret Santa style. I got you a box of Kleenex. Yeah.

Or a bottle of Franks and a very tiny fork to enjoy your boogers even more. You know, I want them because I started calling them burgers. You're salivating at the thought of eating a cheese booger. A cheese booger. You should open a restaurant, man. And you're allowed to fart in the booth. That's the cheese booger difference. Most restaurants frown on that, but here at Cheese Boogers, you can fart in the booths. All right. That's it.

That's our time. That's our episode. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. However you consume this content, we appreciate it. That's right. Thank you. More of us on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. We're watching Jake and Amir videos, appreciate it. That's right. Thank you. More of us on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA.

We're watching Jake and Amir videos, reminiscing. That's right. Exactly. So thanks to those of you who have been watching us there. And if you have your own questions or theme songs, we're running low. So now's the time. If I were you show at gmail.com. Exactly. Let's hear again from

It's Missy Faye that great what you considered the goat theme song it's perfect it's our theme song moving forward we heard it on the way in now let's hear it on the way out and we'll see you next week ciao everybody bye

take a minute Bye. Jake and T just had a text Amir is the devil's advocate Don't be coy, this show is kinda dirty Why won't Amir stop getting turdies? Jake and Amir, they tell us what to do Our problems are infinite On a five with you From Starbucks debt to bad inflation Real advice with a thousand digressions So

that was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to help. online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com.

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