Segments - 577: Amir Is Yogurt

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

In this episode we discuss goatees, cacti, and get a surprise call from a friend. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Jake and Amir Tell us what to do Work through our problems On a five-a-yew Jake can't teach us how to text

Amir is the devil's advocate Don't be funny, show is kinda dirty Why won't Amir stop getting turdies? Jake and Amir, they tell us what to do Our problems are infinite, unacquired with you From Starbucks debt to bad impressions Real advice with a thousand digressions. Jake and Amir, you fix everything by just being here.

So. Still got it. Still perfect. The new theme song, kicking arse. Let's keep on trucking with no thank you or credit for the artist. So last week we played that. You liked it so much. You're like, this should be our new theme song, which we've never done.

We've always had a new theme song at the top of every episode. But here it is for the second week in a row. Yeah. It's 500 episodes. Might as well try something new. Way more. Almost 600 episodes. yeah 500 episodes might as well try something new way more almost 600 episodes we're gonna try something new

which is to replay that theme song by It's Missy Faye we're coming up on a decade so it might as well be different

yeah I'm sitting we're back in the studio the separate studio set up so Jake's in New York I'm in LA if you want

you can be watching we should just say we're back in the studio cause like when people see this on YouTube it looks so good that it almost looks like we're in the same room. Wow, that's cool. I put a pillow behind my back. Have you ever done that move? Have I ever had a pillow behind my back? Yeah, like a throw pillow, an extra

pillow, more than just the couch cushion. Have I ever done that? Or do you think maybe you came up with it for the first time well i'm just saying if it's either me or you are you let's see are you wearing a pillow behind your back or it's just sort of just that you're right behind my back i don't have one behind it feels nice i'm curious what it'll look like on the day do i do i look like i'm sort of it looks like you have better posture but then your shirt is tighter yeah it's kind of like a give and take i'm trying to like it's hard yeah emma what do you think does this look normal emma's yawning it forces you to she said she said it looks pretty close to normal yeah it kind of looks like yeah we're sitting in like a orthopedic, a specific chair to like help our back issues or something.

Yeah. The whole video thing, while nice, while fun, it's made me more conscious of like what I'm doing, you know? Yeah. You don't want to be like reading comments where it's like, whoa, Amir looks pale or oh my God, what happened to his teeth this episode? Well, I mean, I would never read a comment, but more just like when I see it, like I see like the promotional, like the TikTok or something and I'm like, wow, why am I sitting like that?

You know? Yeah. My posture is bad. Posture is hard because to have good posture kind of hurts, but then it's like, is this a good kind of pain or am I not supposed to hurt when I have good posture?'s like is this a good kind of pain or am i not supposed to hurt when i have i think it's a good kind because like i i mean my shoulders hurt sometimes and i think it's because i i'm like this all the time you slouch yeah when i see people that look like

they're pain-free they have perfect posture and i don't think it hurts them to have it that way right but it's it's i feel i'm worried that it's baked into their DNA. Like if I just like start sitting up right now, like this would just not, this wouldn't work for me, dog. I think my new year's resolution for 2024 or maybe 25 will be better posture. This year is taking,

cause I'm trying to watch more Instagram reels, but the opposite of posture. Yeah. But I feel like I don't spend enough time on Instagram. So I'm trying to like kind of experience more in my Discover page. I want to follow more people on Instagram, see more stories. The opposite of what you should be doing. Your goal is to use social media more and to have worse posture.

Not social media, just Instagram. Yeah. I'll already have good posture by 2025, so I won't even have to have that as a resolution. Roll your shoulders back. Keep them there. Back and down. See, every time I do that, I have like, there, there's a, like a click that happens in my,

in my, the base of my neck. Yeah. Like, is that normal? It's definitely not. I'm having a, cause it doesn't happen.

I'm having a, is this normal doctor appointment today? What, for what? I can't wait to keep you abreast of what happens. It's a, I'm finally seeing like an ear nose, and throat doctor to see if I actually have small nasal airway, or this is just what actually everybody has, and is it normal,

is what I'm going to ask. And if you have a small nasal airway, are you going to get a surgery that expands it? It's not a surgery. It's a procedure procedure there are some procedures that you can just sort of uh open the airways let the air flow easily which might what is the procedure the doctor sticks his cock down your nose oh my god i'm just kidding he just kidding anyway he takes these two dildos and he puts them one in each nostril right and then well actually this doctor only has one dildo and he'll be using his cock for the other one it's a strap-on actually um uh that's do you are you having trouble breathing or is it more about your snoring or is it about your night terrors it's sort of everything all rolled into one i snore

i'm a mouth breather uh i don't feel like i'm getting enough like i feel like it's there's constrictive airflow when i just go straight nose procedure and your voice just suddenly sounds like and i'm awesome at throwing a baseball, it fixes your posture somehow too. That would be awesome. I guess I was holding a lot of air right up here in this passageway. And as soon as it was released, my body relaxed. So we were able to undeviate your septum and now you're 6'3", 2'12". It's pretty cool.

Look at that. Holy shit. You're aging backwards. You're Benjamin Buttoning, man. You were holding all your neuroses in your nasal thin passage. And now that it's been opened. Did someone, did Avital ask you to go? Or are you just feeling like, you know what?

Everything else is good. I'm curious about this thing. A combination of both. It's snoring plus Sean Perlman, friend friend of me had a similar thing where he was like having trouble breathing and he like they like were able to widen his whatever going on and then like he's like a few days after they like take gauze out and he's like i feel like i can breathe out of my nose for the first time in a while yeah my sister-in-law's boyfriend just got some procedure done because he was snoring and it was bothering her.

And he's like, he said he feels like a new person. Your sister-in-law's boyfriend. Yeah. So that's, I'm just trying to fucking figure out this family tree calculus that you seem to throw at us. My sister-in-law my sister-in-law sister-in-law so that's like one of you like sarah's fucking wife or something huh my sister sarah's wife it would that would be it could be but then i then it would be weird when i said her boyfriend so unless sarah was in some kind of strange thruple where she was married but then that's why i'm trying to like wrap my fucking nose around it and i can understand if

you're misunderstanding it to that extent i can understand how it's complicated but it's the point was that the surgery or the procedure sounds good but never mind i was trying to like encourage you because i felt bad that i had made the dildo joke but now i just feel like let's go together we'll get this thing done together i do i think i don't breathe as deeply as i could um but i don't know if it's it has i don't think it has anything to do with my nose yeah you think it's just a mental thing? Is your mouth open when you're sleeping? Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely open while I sleep.

Yeah. And I think that like if I'm concentrating on something, I can hear my – like I hear myself going – Yeah, you're like wake snoring. Yeah. Yeah. So I know that that's not good. Right. And I also feel like sometimes i try to

train myself you know like when you take a deep breath um you when you're breathing in you your stomach should be expanding you know like that's you taking air in uh-huh i feel like usually when i breathe in i'm like sucking in but maybe that's my lungs getting bigger i think that's correct yeah and then when you breathe out, everything like fills up again. Yeah. I'd like a sleep study as long as we're here, doc. Let's just fucking put everything to the test.

You and I should get physicals as an episode of this podcast. Oh, that's cool. And then we can have like a theme song that's like, let's get physicals. We're not changing the theme song, but otherwise that's interesting to me. It's either interesting and it's happening

or you refuse to budge on this theme song thing. The theme song's perfect. Why would we? How about the theme song is still the Missy Faye song, but the segment. segment i don't i think we actually didn't give missy any credit i think i made a joke about it and then we didn't plug anything is that possible um yeah i mean it's her her instagram is it's missy faye yeah we did it last week for sure yeah for sure yeah totally uh sure totally totally and again she says

you guys give me a lot of joy and you deserve so much more than this perhaps a golden mic each we shall see Jake's kind of in charge of that shit I wonder why you're the judge

and the jury that's whack it's interesting it's interesting that you're going to use the episode to question like let's talk about this offline right yeah because the episode should be about the content, not about the rules for obtaining or losing the golden mic. I respect the sanctity of the podcast. That's why I try to have good posture for it. Meanwhile, your slouchy ass needs a pillow to prop yourself up. So that's a turdy for you.

You're using a pillow. Yeah, but I don't have to. There's a difference. You're wearing a Burger King crown. That's obviously not Golden Mike behavior. Can't really tell, actually. Does it have a sponsor? Yeah.

All right, here we go questions answers this is if I were you the only advice pod on the web hosted by us right I'm Amir I'm Jake you sent me a pretty nasty one last week that we didn't get to called spying on a stranger oh

I did yeah last week that we didn't get to called spying on a stranger oh i did uh yeah um nasty potential possible serial killer oh yes yes yes yes um okay this is i think this guy is from like sweden or some shit so we'll call him um you know the most famous swedish person ever what's ikea yeah ikea isn't ikea uh a company um i think it is a guy that started he made a store yeah uh okay well here we go. Ikea says, His uncle suddenly goes silent and stared down at these open palms of his hands as if contemplating something terrible he had done with them. As I watched him suddenly, he stared up and looked directly at me. It was as though time stood still, and for ten seconds, his black eyes pierced mine with pure hatred. Then, just as sudden, he looked away and carried on in the conversation going on around us to my amazement

no one seemed to have noticed anything and when I told my friend about it later he just told me I was being silly but when I asked him if something weird had ever happened to his uncle he froze and told me about his uncle's wife who had fallen down a flight of stairs and died eight years ago

the death had always been deemed suspicious by some in the family, but no one spoke of it anymore. Now my friend is wondering if his uncle had something to hide, so we decided to investigate. However, we're not really sure where to begin and could use your advice. The plan right now is to go to the uncle's house at night and look

through the windows to see if we can expose his evil ways. What do you think? Please advise. Thank you. What do you think about this whole thing? It sounds like, it sounds like the beginning of a TV show. One of those like dark foreign dramas that I love. Yeah.

Yeah. He's staring at his hands. It's like a fun, casual conversation. And then this uncle is just just like some scandinavian murder yeah drama his thick hands because you know he like does real work like so his like fingernails are kind of coarse and crusty and falling apart and his his palms are sort of thick with these weak palms are sweaty There's vomit on his mother's spaghetti

and he stares down at the fucking guy and then snaps out of it. And then he hears later that that guy could have potentially shoved his wife to death, pushed her down a flight of stairs. It's weird. It's interesting. It's interesting that he would bring that up to his friend

and his friend wouldn't say anything. He's like, well, did anything weird ever happen? Well, I guess he might have pushed his wife down the stairs. A flight. Yeah. Like that would be the first thing that I would have thought of when my friend brought it up.

Yeah, I think if I were to push somebody to their death down a flight of stairs, I would make it a point not to stare at my hands in disbelief ever and just be like, what have I done? What have I done? Because that sort of gives away. Maybe you can't help it. That's kind of like the point. Interesting.

What I would do is not necessarily peer into his house because then it looks like you're trying to do something nefarious. Mm-hmm. I would try to trigger his flashback slash suicidal homicidal behaviors by saying stuff like, this might just be the push in the pants we need. I really wish that somebody would shove me towards the right decision on something or else. So like he's almost like getting taken back to the point in his life that he accidentally murdered someone to see if he

stares at his hands again. And maybe it's this reflex, this subconscious trigger that you can activate to sort of catch him. Shove handed if that makes sense. It's looking at your hand. That's not enough of evidence, I think, to even warrant a suspicion. Yeah.

Like, I feel like I've looked at my hand when I didn't know if it was cold or wet, you know? Yeah. So it could just be, it could have been completely unrelated. It could have been. And then he might've just been like, oh, wow, I i'm being weird i'm looking at my hands too much yeah or like you look up someone's looking at you and then you snap out of it uh maybe he looked at you with hatred because you were staring at him i don't know anything is possible slash probable but would you i don't think you're gonna solve an eight- eight year old cold case by spying.

Like what is eight years later? Does he still wander around the house like reenacting the crime sometimes? Yeah, like he'll shove a refrigerator down the stairs and see what it feels like. He's still laughing about it. He jerks off to the news articles. The hell is wrong with you? This episode has been so blue on your end i can't quite figure it out like something is going on the the dildos in the nose what was that a strap on

you actually i upon reflection you brought up the dildos i said it was the doctor's cock and you're the one that turned it i said you said strap I said dildo, you said strap-on. For no, yeah. I yes-anded you because that's what we're supposed to do, but I didn't feel comfortable doing that. I thought it was a bridge too far when you said the dildo thing. And the jerking off to the

news articles? Yeah. I think there's nothing wrong with masturbation, but i guess you're you're anti self-gratification is that is that sorry i'm i'm genuinely curious if that's a stance you want to take on the podcast that masturbation is bad i'll go ahead and say that exploring your body is a good thing um Getting to know yourself sexually. That's a positive, powerful experience that you can have.

But you say no to masturbation. I think it's time for our first break. No masturbation. You're throwing the commercial in the middle of this claim. You're not even giving me a chance to rebut. But yeah, I think touching yourself is anti-american and against goes against everything that god designed us for it's a waste of seed and the reason that jesus gave us a dick like that is so that we can use it to be fruitful and multiply and every time you jerk off you're actually

killing yourself a little bit okay and now do you want to go to break? Now, yes. Let's thank a few sponsors. Actually, let's just go straight into it. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. A baked in ad for the first time. Baked so in that you can never extricably remove it without mentioning that masturbation is evil uh i was gonna say that shoving someone down the stairs is a risky way

to kill them because what if they uh yeah odds are they survived and you're just kind of an asshole that pushed them like oh my god it happened back kills. Why did you do that? Jesus Christ. I really hit my head, you asshole. What did you think would happen? That reminds me of a joke that we did on Jake and Amir where like you catch me in some kind of lie, I forget, and I pretend that you're dreaming and then try to knock you out with a coffee mug.

And it just hurts. We like just add the thud you're like oh ow and i just keep i just keep on hitting you i think that did happen in episode once you're trying to give me amnesia but it like yeah yeah that's right yeah or like you try to shove me into traffic and i'm like whoa that was close you're like, sorry about that. Yeah, Murph tries to throw me off a building and then apologizes. He tried to kill me. That's a death, man. Yeah, you're screaming at him.

That's a death. Solid F. Okay. Don't worry if this uncle did anything. Yeah. That's not on you. At least wait for one other sign. Yeah.

It's got to be a double sign. This one is too random. Definitely. Okay. Let's take a break now. And thanks to the sponsors. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple,

intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all inin-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know

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for some people yeah you do and we're back jake do you have any? No. No. No, yeah. Honestly, the umbrella thing is still weighing pretty heavily on me. Yeah, because it's still raining. Yeah, as the West Coast gets pummeled by these storms, I have yet to have the huevos slash courage to pull the trigger.

The huevos and or the rancheros. Yeah. What are your thoughts on the plastic poncho look? Not for you, the yellow garbage bag of sorts that you can wear over your entire body? Yeah. I mean, it's all about prioritizing what you want to be dry. What's something that you can wear over your entire body. Yeah. I mean, it's all about prioritizing what you want to be dry. Yeah. What's something that you care about being dry? Is it your hair? Is it your shoulders?

Yeah. Is it the pants? Like, what do we... And I feel like the poncho doesn't fix it all because the rain gets on the poncho. It runs down. It ends up getting your shoes wet. It ends up getting your shoes wet. It ends up getting your pants wet.

Yeah. I think the umbrella creates the dome. Okay. That's what you want. Okay. You want all of that water cascading. Yeah. You almost want a poncho volcano of sorts.

So the tip is your head. You want a ball gown. Yeah. You want a gown. You want a wedding dress made of plastic that cascades down you and then out and off to the left. I feel like what you want is just for it to stop raining. You want to never have to think about this again. Yeah, but second to that is the plastic volcano I can wear day to day to keep the water.

I think the storage of that is going to be more off putting than the storage of an umbrella, which is very compact, fits anywhere on a shelf in a corner. Yeah. Ben's been FaceTiming me. I'm going to try to FaceTime him back. This probably won't work,

but it's worth a shot. The setup of these bi-coastal studio recording is so tenuous. There are wires for everything. I can hear you. You can hear me. I can see you. We're recording. We're going to edit it together.

The slightest wrinkle can offset everything. But he's- Yeah, I mean, we were already, we were delayed by 30 minutes just because we couldn't hear. Yeah, you guys couldn't hear me. Yeah. So yeah, anything can throw the whole entire off.

I'm going to try to FaceTime him and just turn my computer around. He can see you. He can hear us. We can try to get him on the show. Well, he won't be able to hear us, right? Yes, exactly. He won't be able to hear you.

All right, ready? Here we go. We'll hear the audio coming out of my computer. John Grimm is listening to us getting ready to start this, getting stressed out. Yeah. Okay, Ben.

So I'm going to rotate you around. This is... I can't. You're already frozen in the quality of your screen. It's just as bad as it could be. Yeah, okay. Just an exclamation point on my side. Yeah.

We can all see it. So I can't see a thing. Okay, yeah. So I can hear Ben. And he's complaining about this not being good. Yeah, so can you see Ben, Jake? Well, you're holding him directly in front of the mic flag. Yeah, because I'm trying to get the audio of the computer into the microphone as well.

I can't really hear you. Hey, Ben, and he can't hear you. Yeah, but he can. Can you turn the audio up at all? Jake would be able to hear you, but you can't hear Jake. Is Jake not in the room? Jake is in New York. Oh, he was just here. What happened?

Jake, Ben says you were here. What happened? I can hear Ben. He can't hear me. I can hear Ben. He can't hear you. Is that true, Ben? Can you not hear Jake? I can't. No, I can't hear Jake. How would he hear me? Wait, Amir, maybe if you put your headphones to the laptops and microphone, maybe he'll be able to hear Jake. If I put my headphones to... Oh, I see.

So I'm going to put my headphones that has Jake's audio so close to the computer. It's ill-advised and there couldn't be a worse person in charge. I'm holding this like a violin at this point. Okay, now let's try. Everybody yell, but one at a time. Ben, can you hear me? No, of course he can't hear me. Can you hear me?

I can't hear a thing. Can't hear a thing. Yeah. Can't hear a thing. You just talk to Ben. Talk to Ben. It's way more interesting. Tell him I love him.

A ride, as always. I think you're great. I'm sure the content you're doing is great. You've been texting me the whole time we're recording this, so I can't imagine a world where that hasn't suffered for a podcast episode. And I hope you're doing great. And I miss Jake. I'll give him a call real quick right now, see how he's doing. And then that should be it, man.

Thanks so much. And I guess catch Harold and Kumar. What's the one that you're in, Amir? Yeah and kumar 3d christmas not harold and kumar is held a very harold and kumar christmas and um lonely and horny damn thanks man um i think yeah i think that worked out i really think that see if he's calling me he's calling you yeah that makes sense my absolute man what's up benny how are you buddy you can hear him doing very well very happy to get that amir part out of the way how are you yeah sorry about that i was yeah we're in the middle of recording so this is kind of like the the one to two hours a week i i'm contractually obligated to hang out with him.

Well, we are rolling. Has he been saying anything worthwhile or is it mostly just garbage? Mostly garbage. I mean, he spent the last 10 minutes talking about how he might want an umbrella. No, that's not true. I was considering getting a poncho. Yeah, this is on the podcast. He also talked about it last week, which is kind of, it's like an ongoing thing.

Does he have an umbrella now getting updated as to what his thoughts were his umbrella thoughts before and the update on said thoughts yeah but they haven't changed he still doesn't have an umbrella and he's thinking about getting one yeah it's rough oh is she talking i can't hear him yeah i was i was saying ask him what if he's gonna get an umbrella Amir asked you if you're going to get an umbrella I have an umbrella but I don't use it when I walk you heard him right? I'm wondering what he uses it for

I barely want to do it you can leave at any time it was so good to see you this week by the way it was nice to get just Jake and Ben time by the way the best time it is i don't remember a time when i saw amir amir is a little bit um harder to get a hold of i feel like yeah not hard yeah and then when you do it's like not even worth the effort i called you back during the show it's like talking to yogurt it's like talking to plain yogurt yes how like not even sour cream ask what that means like just a yeah ask him to explain that he's like a he's a sigus of a man why that's right why am i exactly the icelandic yogurt yeah

why well this has been amazing always um oh god i can't tell you what a connection i feel like with you every time i talk to you we are one and we are one and then i feel like i'm just too it's like a negative and a positive just or i guess two negatives but it would it would be because we're so repelled from each other when i'm talking to a mirror yeah yeah exactly you and i make a battery and then yeah you and amir are like a yogurt i heard that but why can i be honest yeah this is honesty yeah I feel like you and I make the battery and we are kind enough to fuel the robot hot dog

that Amir is. He's some sort of robot hot dog that's like those chattery teeth things. He's like one of those chattery teeth things. Yes, where you wind it up and it just shuffles his feet. But there's no windup for this. We're the batteries that help it live. 100 yeah that's basically what i feel like is happening right

now fucking love you dude love you man can't wait to talk to you next time give me a call next time when you're not when i'm when i'm you're not around yeah yeah he picked up he told me to facetime because i had to and then he picked up the face and immediately didn't show his side and it was hard telling it was hard with the setup. He wants me to tell you that it was hard, but it's not. It's actually not that hard. You and I are achieving it pretty quickly with no problem right now. It's all grace with you and me, man.

It really is. Man, I miss you. I miss you, too. I miss you. Tell Amir that he's trying his best. Say that I miss him, too. Yeah, I will. You will tell him that I'm...

I feel like you didn't say the last part. Huh? I was saying that I miss him too, but you didn't say that part. You sort of just... You were relaying the yogurt things pretty easily. There was an ease of communication and transfer of information

when he was calling me a yogurt. But when I was like... A yogurt man. And a robotic hot dog. And a teeth-chattering wind-up toy. Yeah. But I was saying that... I think I said we missed him.

Or I said I missed him. You said I missed him. But you didn't say that I missed him. Yeah. I feel like we're saying the same thing. We're not. You're saying that you missed him. What do you think you meant by the yogurt thing?

That talking to me is like talking. I think that you're bland and boring. And the only thing that makes you interesting is by adding elements. In this case, other people like me and Ben make you better. So you guys are like the honey and granola or something. Yeah, we're the fruit. We're the crunch. You are the base. You are base.

What does that mean? You're basic. Yeah, I'm basic. But I'm ultimately super important, high in protein, low in sugar, and a really good way of getting, like jump-starting your day in kind of an interesting fashion

and kind of malleable. It's actually not an interesting fashion. It's all of that in kind of an interesting fashion and kind of malleable. I'm like, it's actually not an interesting fashion. It's all of that stuff except for the interesting fashion. You can, you can add me to any social situation and I make Adam additive and you're bland. So you'll blend in,

you will blend in is what you're saying. I'm not saying that you guys brought up the yogurt thing. I was just trying to understand what that, where you were coming from with that. Yeah. We don't have any respect for you. For yogurt. Either one.

The yogurt's great. I love yogurt. I love yogurt. And that's cool to hear you guys talk like that I'm the yogurt to your life. Do you see how close you have to align yourself with yogurt to kind of get like just the drift of a compliment? I've actually some yogurt even comes with fruit at the bottom. You're not really yogurt. You're like yogurt like don't you're taking the metaphor too literally

yeah and having that much of a narrow view doesn't help you see the point we find you bad to be with and around and like whether or not yogurt is good for some and comes flavored, it's neither here nor there. Because at the end of the day, you're not literally a yogurt. Just take the negative thing we said about you and internalize that.

Just hold the L, I guess you're asking me to. Hold that L. Hold that L. Yeah. I'm wondering if I could be skier sure at the end of the day it doesn't matter because you're actually a mule A-M-Y-R

yeah which is an Icelandic version of me still bland, still thick not flavorful and you need to add the honey. I need to refocus. I need to regroup. I need to-

Rebrand. I need to soul search, basically. I need to, it's a page one rewrite for Blumenfeld, basically. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Now you get it. It was almost like zero through 40 was the old me. And now I have to get like a nasal surgery slash lobotomy to figure out what the next 40 are going to be.

I actually do not hate you taking an extended hiatus and coming back. New haircut, new facial hair, new nose. And yeah, let's see if we can do an attitude adjustment and just, like, a big fucking makeover for you. Sometimes people do get that deviated septum surgery or they get a nose job and they say it was, like, a deviated septum thing because they do have to break your nose and reformat it. Right. So I can get, like, a, kind of like a little pig nose. Yeah. Why don't you do the little ski jump nose, get a tummy tuck.

I think my tummy's all, yeah. Do some like, some fillers, some lip collagen. Have your LASIK reversed and get bifocals yeah and uh bring the faux hawk back beard no beard mustache goatee i say goatee but diet like go on a diet no because you have the tummy tuck so you don't really have to worry about that dye the beard dye the beard dye the goatee guy fieri style yeah i see like i don't know if he does about that. Dye the beard. Dye the beard. Dye the goatee. Guy Fieri style. Yeah. I see.

I don't know if he, does he dye his goatee or does he dye his hair? Does Guy Fieri dye his goatee? Yeah. Does Guy Fieri or does he have naturally bleach blonde hair? But I think his goatee is brown.

Interesting. Now that I think about it, you might be right. Okay. And I don't want anyone to look at that. We're both right. Oh, we're both right. Some is bleached, some is not. The middle part is bleached.

The middle. I need to look at a picture because I feel like with that description, I might be fully right. And if you're wrong, are you going to bring it bring it up again are we gonna cut this part out um interesting i'll leave it all in it certainly yeah no i'm right i'm definitely right he frosts the tip of his goat tea yes that is amazing it's not what i thought he looked like but i am correct but it's what i deserve he has the frost you see him he's got the frosted tips the brown goatee but it it's just the center of it. His handlebar, yeah. His handlebar is natural brown.

And you asked if he dyed his mustache or if it was like that. Yeah. It seems like he doesn't dye his mustache, though. Or you said goatee. You said goatee. Hold that L2 man what i'm already holding it all the way to flavor town i'm gonna get the frosted tips and the goatee but i'm not wearing guy fieri fucking sunglasses i'll tell you that right now but i won't bifocals i said yeah they won't benjamin franklin style right yeah but they won't know it benjamin not style benjamin franklin's actual bifocals you'll have to break

into the smithsonian yes there's no way we have the same prescription be interesting yeah i guess it would be interesting. Do you think you could be so rich that you would buy Benjamin Franklin's bifocals from the museum, but take them to Warby Parker for new frames? Or new lenses, I should say. No. I would never buy his focals and then take them to warby parker for new lens can i turn these historic bivocals the first ones ever into transition lenses warby parker can you turn these into transition yeah that'd be tight these cost to be 8.1 million dollars at an auction but can you

change the lenses to be transition? I think they are way more expensive than that. This should be the new format for our show. It should just be prices right. Yeah, but like hypothetical things that we can never actually prove. Yeah. Yeah. I'll guess $8.1

and $1. Alright. I'll guess 40 million. You Google how much are Benjamin Franklin's bifocals? How much? There's no way there's an answer to this. I can't believe I'm even searching it. How much are Benjamin?

We don't even know if they have them still, let alone if they would ever sell them. I don't even 100% know if he was the guy that invented them. No, it just feels right. Yeah. Glasses cost. Yeah. guy that invented them but no it just feels right yeah glasses cost yeah it doesn't it doesn't give you an answer it doesn't give me an answer obviously but he was the inventor of the bifocal so we were right about that that's good so there's an answer on that that's a win uh okay let's take

another break thanks to sponsors and sort of try to wash that segment away. I feel like since Ben called, it's been kind of a mutilation of me. I felt like I was a punching bag for close to 15 minutes. I'm sorry about that. I am sorry about that. Yeah, because it seems like he got onto the show and very quickly turned against me

I mean my god it was instant I'm sorry I should have known that you were sensitive and you have thin skin about this type of thing and that you don't have the confidence really to to withstand

that kind of ripping so i am really sorry um it doesn't seem it seems like one of those like a different standard it seems like one of those not real sorry sorrys like yeah i'm sorry you feel that way sorry no no i really i think i forgot that you were kind of like a shrimp dick loser kind of guy kind of guy or have that and i came at you too hard it's on me for not remembering that you are a pencil-necked dweebus kind of guy let's thank some sponsors let's and do a little soul searching as you said thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game

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Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right?

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Thanks, DraftKings. With Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, expert advice, Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Actually, we answered the one question we had planned for today. So I wonder if there's a way we can gamify trying to find. Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.

Holy smokes. Did someone say game? Jesus. Oh. I feel like it's been so long since the game boy has graced us with his or her presence really it's hard to tell not that long i was on the adam demarco episode that's right did you guys end up staying in touch by the way game boy yeah we hang out with theo james sorry you this androgynous game character that exists only on our podcast, has been hanging out with two TV stars? Oh!

Where have you guys been going? There's no way. What kind of hanging out do they have to do with you? You have nothing to do. We go to basketball games. Oh! Do you need a ticket? How do you get in? You don't have anything they sneak me in in their

backpacks oh got it I shrink down very small okay anyway game boy do you have a word we can search in our gmail inbox to find one question just one question that we can answer

cacti inbox to find one question. Just one question that we can answer. Cacti. Multiple cactuses. C-A-C I T O At the end of that.

Is it two I's or one? One. Oh. C-A-C-T-I. Oh. That'd be a good wordle word, actually. All right, cacti. Looks like we have...

Oh, you know what? It's searching cactus. That's pretty messed up. We got 12 emails with cactus. I don't know if we have any with cacti alright not a W but it's a pretty

unoften used word you know what I put cacti in quotes I said just search cacti and we got two wow we were close so do you want to answer I'm a tumbleweed or a prickly subject? Prickly subject.

A lady named Cactus writes, I gave my girlfriend a cactus. I forgot it was our six-month whatever it is so i panicked and i gave her the thing anyway i forgot at the time that it was a remnant of an old relationship it's kind of weird but i don't like seeing it in her apartment should i destroy the it by accident cacti are pretty resilient though i might smuggle it out next time she's entertaining at her place someone will probably get the blame am i a bitch for this is there a more loving course of action i should be considering how do you circumnavigate the intricacies of your civil partnerships love cactus that's actually a great question i feel

like this is dumb it's like it's just dumb enough to be the B or C plot in a sitcom. Couldn't you see Joey or Chandler? Yeah, like he gives Janice a cactus. He's like, I don't like seeing the cactus. I got to get rid of the thing. And it's kind of like. Maybe it's more Seinfeld, but yeah. Right. Little Shop of Horrors-esque.

Like he gets rid of the cactus and the next day it's just there. See, we should write this. We should just steal it all right let's what would you do i think i would never feel so sentimental that it like i have to get rid of this thing i could just probably compartmentalize and ignore but if i really wanted to get rid of a cactus from my partner's apartment uh honestly her getting rid of it during a party might be good because then anybody could have done that. Yeah, but I think that like that's such an event that really eventizes the making.

I think that that will shine a light on the cactus more so than you'd want. You know, she would be like she'd always be like someone stole my cactus. She's asking a lot of questions. The cactus, from being something you don't want to think about, becomes a pretty heavy focus. Yeah. And then, like, even the replacement cactus is kind of only existing because the original cactus.

You can kill it by overwatering with a turkey baster that keeps the top soil dry while actually submerging, moisturizing and making the roots so wet that the entire thing browns and eventually sogs up and dies on you. And I think that's the, that's the answer. But the other answer is, is that you forget about it and hopefully putting those two things next to

each other. One slowly murdering the cactus over time. Yeah. Or getting over yourself. Hopefully you see that the latter is easier and you do that instead. Actually, killing the cactus over time actually gives me another idea, which is replacing the cactus with a time plant. So you can actually grow the herb time, T-H-Y-M-E, and slowly phase it over the cactus entirely so she doesn't even think about or consider the cactus anymore because she has this robust time plant. Right. It's taking over all of her time, literally.

Exactly. gives me an idea. You could replace like for like. You could just get her a new cactus, replant it. So it'll be a new cactus to you, not necessarily to her. And then you can do whatever you want with the old cactus. What happened to the succulent that I rescued from your L.A. house and brought to New York in a little sort of Vaseline container of soil, hoping to God it survived? It survived. It's doing well. It has taken taking root it hasn't gotten any bigger it's still really small it's about the size of a nickel or something yeah it's still very small but it is it is alive and it is well and we have it in a tiny little potter

interesting on the windowsill i wonder if you're if you put it in a bigger pot it would grow that will be an experiment for the summer okay i mean there's no shame in trying in march or something like you don't have to yeah i guess it stays by the way sure no yeah we'll do it when you're in town we can repot it that's cool let's get repotted in here and it's like me repotting different soils or something like that. We're talking about- Your YouTube channel that you should start. Let's get repotted in. And it's me just sort of migrating different seedlings.

Killing different plants week to week. Yeah. Oh, an amateur green thumb of sorts. I'm not actually good at, as we've gone over before, moving indoor plants outdoors. It's true. Your sister might be able to help me out. Yeah, she would. Okay.

All right. That was it. That was our episode. Pretty solid. Great episode. Highs and lows. I didn't like being called yogurt. Yeah.

That was a high for me. It was fun to talk to Ben. That was an issue for, I guess, a different day. It was, I didn't want to have to explain to Ben, like, how difficult it would be for him to call in. And then, like, the whole fucking thing backfired on me to the point where I was being referred to as a Greek yogurt at a certain point. I feel like you keep on reliving it, rehashing it. You brought it up in this act of the show. Other people might have

moved on or forgotten it. But now it's kind of like what this... I feel like the title for this episode is going to be Amir is Greek Yogurt. And that's because that was brought on by you. Because you couldn't let it go.

We can call it just yogurt and then like. I wouldn't make any sense to anyone. Especially once they hear this now. Yeah. They would want to look at the episode and be like, that's why it's called Amir's yogurt. Or Amir's Greek yogurt. Amir is yogurt also works.

That's actually pretty fun. I don't even know if I said, I don't even think Ben said Greek. Yeah, he didn't say Greek. Yeah, no, he didn't. So yeah, sorry. Final answer, Amir is yogurt. Check us out on Patreon, patreon.com slash JA.

We're still watching videos over there. We need theme songs. We need questions. If I were you, show at gmail.com slash JA. We're still watching videos over there. We need theme songs. We need questions. If I were you, show at gmail.com. Amir is yogurt. Fun little leaping off point for you for next time. Yeah. And sorry, it looks like you're frozen,

but I think you're just kind of being low energy. Why don't you think, I believe it's May with the theme song two weeks in a row. Miss Faye. Huh. Miss Faye. Huh? Miss Faye. Miss Faye? Yeah.

Sorry. I feel like it's low energy. It almost looks like your yogurt now, too, the way you're just sitting there. I don't think I look yogurt, but let me look up the... Missy Faye. Missy Faye? Missy Faye. Yeah.

All right. Cool. Cool. Thanks so much for watching, for listening, subscribing. As you guys know, this is a video episode. YouTube.com slash if I were you. Let me know what I look like in the comments, whether it's a cool guy or a side of yogurt or something. We'll be back next week. We'll be back next week.

Ciao for now. now Jake and T just had a text Amir's the devil's advocate Don't wait for the show, it's kinda dirty Why won't Amir stop getting turdies? Jake and Amir, they tell us what to do Our problems are infinite On a five with you From Starbucks debt to bad impressions Real advice with a thousand digressions So.

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