Segments - 578: Birthday Blumenfeld

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

In this episode we discuss getting suspended, writing songs, and Amir’s ideal gift. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Guess what, folks? We are announcing right here and right now that we're doing a very special If I Were You. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will

edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there.

No, no, no, no, no. Live stream on Friday, February 17th at 12 p.m. noon. Okay. Pacific time. Yeah. I think Jeff will be there. And yeah, I think it'll be like a kind of a fun little time. It's a big deal.

Yeah. This is a HeadGum original. That sucks. That was awful. That was so bad. That was so fucking painful. Hey, Amir, man. Look in the mirror, man. I bet you see a lot of flops becoming clear, and I bet you see that fuzzy tail out your rear, and I bet you craving seas and worms for a meal, man.

And AJ, let's get one thing straight. jail fuckers up to tucker and it feels real great I saw you at a rave and no I ain't bluffing you was rocking the chinner and you was kissing your cousin that's foul wow I wonder how y'all have decided to keep holding on now wow oh and one last thing since you're hits, I wouldn't platform Jeffrey James. He's a hateful bitch if I were you. Okay. We did our standard choreographed dance to kick that one off. Yeah, I like to dance as though someone's holding my arms up like a marionette puppet or some sort.

Yeah, it looked like we were dancing at gunpoint. For a deranged billionaire. For a dirge. Actually, a marionette puppet would be a good Halloween costume for me. That's cool. That's really good. That's also a good Instagram handle for you if you ever make that 20K selling at a mirror. Yeah, I'm still trying to sell my Instagram handle, which I found out was quasi illegal.

Interesting. But only quasi. Only quasi. Yeah, because technically they can't figure out how much money I was paid under the table. But I'm getting a lot of inquiries from Farsi bots overseas. Yeah. I feel, have you gotten any serious offers? Yeah, not too many serious offers, but I feel like it'll come in the form of some sort of offshore cryptocurrency account and I'll have to just send this stranger my password. Yeah.

The problem is to sell your Instagram handle, i'm just basically giving them all my followers too yeah which like at the end of the day isn't it won't reset right yeah it'll be like every every comedy fan i've amassed for 10 years is now following this fucking model in in iran right which is an upgrade for them your instagram yes, it's not that interesting. It's mostly like trolling your followers. You'll post something to close friends and then screenshot who looked at it first and stuff like that. Yeah, I've been sort of trying to take advantage

of the green circle close friends feature. Yeah, not take advantage. You're trying to take advantage of your friends. You're, yeah. I think Avital and I looked at your instagram story and you screenshotted it and sent it to both of us and called us losers yeah because you were the first dude and technically i told her to look at it so i sort of set her up to fail but now i have that image yeah which is to have you as the first viewer of within like within two minutes two minutes, which is very embarrassing. Instantly. Yeah, super embarrassing.

But it's hard. The allure of the green circle there, you almost have to click on it. Yeah. What's so secretive that Amir is sharing? I was a victim of timing that day. I really hadn't been on Instagram that much. Oh, for sure, yeah.

You just got it right then and there. I think you and I were just like same brain. You posted, I looked. I looked, yeah. I'll show you my screen time. It was like looked, yeah. I'll show you my screen time. It was like bang, bang. I'll show you my screen time. It's very low.

It's very low on Instagram. Well, you have three phones, one for each app that you use. Yeah. So you're able to fudge the numbers. Right. I have an Instagram, a Finstagram, and a phone, and a phone, which is a faux phone, but it sounds like phone. Yeah.

An F-P-H-O-N-E. Yeah, exactly F-P-H-O-N-E. Yeah, exactly. That opening theme song was a banger of a theme, which is a he had

I mean, this guy sent us two theme songs. His name is Kevin Ramberan. Okay, that's a cool last name. Ramberan. Okay. That's a cool last name. Ramberan. Yeah. Please shout out my NADD pod inspired Let's Play What We Do in the Basement as well as my comedy duo segment show. Whoa.

Sort of inspired by If I Were You called Oops All Segments. That's good. That's a really good name for a show. We should low key steal that for a new format. Low-key. Yeah, low-key. This part that we're here,

this is behind the scenes how the sausage gets made. It'll be edited down. It won't be released released widely us it doesn't have to be it's always it's always been released widely yeah and there's we never cut anything out yeah but we can edit this episode down to have this conversation just between us so we'll let's get that clean then please shout out my nadpod inspired let's play what we do in the basement as well as my comedy duos um just they have a comedy that's perfect well i should now i said that's perfect but that like this is gonna make any sense why don't you take that clean again and i'll just react so he doesn't have a comedy duo segment show exactly just do the

nadpod show actually what's the what's let's play do you know what that is i think it's kind of like an actual play like what my dnd show is kind of like where you just played in we shouldn't i'm just thinking we shouldn't plug that either because then someone might find that show, find the segment show, trace that. I just feel like this whole thing is a gotcha journalism anti-fluff piece at this point. So let's put the k-bosh on this episode. The entire episode or just the theme song? Or I can make up some uh random credits perfect yeah that's good uh the opening theme song was by kevin rambran um don't say i wouldn't say his name

because people can google the name and i already said oh yeah i said it was a cool last name but just let's do kyle rembrandt take it away take it away. Take it away. Opening theme song, just a banger of a theme by Kyle. Rembrandt. I wouldn't know it, so I don't know why I said it. So you just, you have to get it out clean. So stupid. All right.

This is, that opening theme song was written by um kyle rembrandt you sound like you're lying can i give you a like just a line read why don't you say it because i don't have a computer in front of me and anybody watching will be like how does jake know that and i've also never ever shouted out the theme song creator right but you just go that opening theme song was by kyle rembrandt all right easy that opening don't that opening what's going on we're like talking over each other yeah all right just get it out clean yeah that opening theme song was by kyle rembrandt it sounds like combative but we can splice that in on the day actually the ps is pretty vague it says ps i own a burger restaurant in winnipeg if you're ever in town bergs on me uh thanks we're good i'll never be back to winnipeg don't worry about that um oh shit we should edit that out i feel

like that was like a nasty reaction to it yeah Yeah, because it was based on nothing so far. All I said was that theme song right into burgers. And then really you shouldn't be mean to him at all if you put on stealing. But folks at home, yeah, folks at home don't know that he's become my nemesis over the last 10 minutes because to them this episode is five minutes long so far. Do you even remember the idea you were trying to steal? I feel like it's gotten lost completely in the sauce. It's a Let's Play show, I think, where you and I... No, that was the NADPOT thing. I don't remember, but I'll listen back. I'll listen back to the raw.

You just said we're not going to cut this. Yeah, we're not going to release it widely, but I said I'd listen back to the raw. There's no way you're going to find the raw audio file figure out what this was and then have somebody else cut it out for wide release release from the let's just shout let's just shout it out as is and if we want to steal it we can steal it because it's like technically he'd be honored if it was ours now okay kyle kevin now i'm saying kyle rembrandt kevin rembrandt either one yeah he has a comedy duo segment show called oops all segments which is similar to me in your show which is similar to me in your show because we're developing pre-hearing this we were developing i'm just saying we were developing our own ip and it's a case of parallel thinking that we were maybe

going to do a segment show and we were were going to call it Oops All Segments. Yeah. I just need to get that on record. We should say we are recording this in September 2021. Yeah. 2014, actually. A burger restaurant in Winnipeg. We did one show in Winnipeg we did one show in winnipeg yeah it was

as cold as advertised didn't we go there in february i believe we did and i can't remember if we went there from calgary or if we went to yeah because i think it was winnipeg calgary okay so winnipeg yeah winnipeg weg. We kind of went to like a barbecue type place. We sat down. We got a little lunch and it was delicious. Yeah. What was like the diner, the coffee shop diner one? That was in Calgary.

That place was good. Yeah, that place was good. Shout out to them. But yeah, I can go for a burger in Winnipeg. For sure. I'm super, I'm actually very hungry right now. You didn't eat breakfast or? I got up at 4.45 in the morning.

So I did have breakfast, but it wasn't until, you know, I had breakfast at like six and then I had an SIE. It's 1.45 now. Yeah. Why did you wake up? It seems early, 4.45.

It's honestly, it's not even worth. It's like. Was it on purpose or by accident? It's on purpose. I go to Nantucket every summer, you know, and they release the ferry reservations like it's a taylor swift concert like yeah on this on this day on january 17th at 5 a.m the reservations for ferry go they go live and you have to beat everyone else out to reserve the ferry on the weekend that you want to go this is for you to be on there to drive your car onto for you to uh drive your car. The people ferries can go whenever.

Yeah, those are a lot easier. You can get those the same day most of the time. So are you going on a hot date? They're like, well, you want July 3rd? Good luck. You got to wake up at 4.45. Yeah, yeah. We're going on it.

We got a good week. We got a good week. Not the 4th of July, but it's up there. Okay. And did you do it at 5.01? Huh? You did it at like like 501 in the morning i got up at 455 um alarm yeah i set the alarm for 445 and i had some some safety alarms at 450 451 452 453 454 and 454, and 455. Really wanted this. No, I got it.

I mean, I also, I couldn't sleep. Yeah, because you were excited and anxious about the 445. Not excited. Yeah, anxious. I was dreading the entire experience. Because last year, you know, you go from, this is so boring to anybody, but it's really all I could think about, so I'm going to talk about it. You go from Saturday to Saturday. That's like usually what the rentals on these vacation houses are.

So the ferry reservations are the hottest from Saturday to Saturday because you're trying to drive onto the ferry, drive off, and then, you know, pack up and leave all in the same day. How often is there this ferry to take you from mainland Massachusetts to this island? I believe there are three or four a day, even in like a height on the weekends. And they take two and a half hours. How many cars are there on the ferry? Maybe like 20 to 35. Oh, okay. Okay.

So 60-ish per day get to go. Yeah. Get to drive onto the island. And millions of people are going there through the summer. So they're very, yeah, it. Okay. So 60-ish per day get to go. Yeah. Get to drive onto the island. And millions of people are going there through the summer. So they're very, yeah, it's tough. It's tough out there. Hot ticket. Yeah.

It's the hardest thing about going to Nantucket, which is the really, really easy, fine, good place to be able to go. Right. But yeah. So last year, we were there from Saturday to Saturday. I believe my car came over Monday morning, and it had to go back Thursday. You didn't get the good tickets. You didn't get the good tickets. So I was pretty anxious about this year making it happen.

So I log on, 4.55. I am 200th. It's just a page that says, you are 201 in line. Okay. Pretty good. Even though you're there five minutes early five minutes early um and but then i'm sort of nervous like do they they reset this room like at five so i'm refreshing the page just to kind of like arrive at five um which i which i do um and it says at five that I'm 201 in line. I also, for safety, I open up another tab at that time.

New browser or new tab? New browser. New browser on my Firefox browser. I log on. I am 1700 in line. Oh, God. Okay. Well, if anything goes wrong, I'm just fucked.

I just want to have a third fail safe. I log on on my phone. I'm 2,700 in line or 2,400 in line, something like that. So there's about over 2,000 people ready to go at 4.58 a.m. And this thing says this page will refresh automatically every 15 seconds. And it's doing that. It will refresh automatically every 15 seconds. And it's doing that. It's refreshing automatically every 15 seconds. And you're moving up in the line.

Only at 201, I'm not moving at all. My 1700 one is moving up like about five people every 15 seconds. So I'm like, something is broken. But I'm too afraid to just close out that tab. You can't refresh. It'll be like 7900. Yeah. But then eventually I start like shift refreshing that page. Cause I'm like, I have nothing to lose. I'm at like 600 in this other line. Also, I imagine this was going to

take five to 10 minutes, like log on at five, get this reservation. I'm back in bed. but it's like 5 30 now yeah sun started to come up um but all of a sudden i jumped from 201 to 67th in this oh in this line so i'm like okay so it's working it's actually it's something's going on but it's it's working it brings me up uh you know 54 39 you're 12th in line i'm like here it comes i log on i see all the reservations i choose them i click schedule it just breaks down it says 503 bad gateway yeah i'm like you got to assume other people are getting it like in your mind you're the only one and everyone's just cutting you now and i refresh the page and it says you are 7900th in line and i and i look at the twitter and it's just like the steamship authority the boat place is just like everything

on the site is working as normal it's just hundreds of people like cussing them out and there's just an auto response that says the website is up to date the website is working okay what about your other place in line did you you end up getting to the front? Same thing happens on Firefox. Go to schedule, 503, error code, breaks down. Eventually, my phone works, and I got the reservation going over Sunday, coming back Friday, which is not bad. Not ideal. It's one day. It's chewed in one day it's, it's chewed in one day,

either way. Does that mean you have to go from Sunday to Friday? Or does that mean you go on Saturday and your car comes the next day? No, you pay extra money where your car just like, is this is in like the lot and they do, it's called a drive on where like somebody at the dock will drive the car on. And then when the ferry arrives,

I can go pick it up and drive the car off. Got it. So you'll beat your car by a day and then you have to drive your car on uh and then when the ferry arrives i can go pick it up and drive the car off got it so you'll beat your car by a day and then you have to drive your car off early a day yeah exactly and then i got it which is mildly inconvenient because you kind of have to pack up everything except like a day pack yeah on that last day early yeah it's almost worth it to leave it a day early almost almost yeah but. Yeah. But it's not quite. And then when was this completed? 4, 5, 45 or something? 7 a.m. So I was up from 4, 45 until 7.

Yeah. Sun's fully out at that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. So ready to start your day. Yeah. I'm like, I I keep on thinking, maybe I can go to back, like back to bed for an hour,

but then the dog is waking up and it's just like everything is over. The day had begun. Yeah. The day is beginning now. Yeah. And then, so you've been up since then and you've had an acai bowl. I had an acai bowl at 10.

That's right. And now it's two. You're sort of like ready for dinner slash whatever a late lunch would be, but you're recording instead. Yeah. I mean, I'm ready. I would love to take a nap.

I'd like to go home. I want to go home. Yeah, this is prime nap time for sure. Yeah. Yeah. That set me up nice, but now I get to hang out with you. We have to take a break to thank some sponsors. So maybe you could do like a quick two and a half minute i could do a power

nap power nap yeah even just taking your shoes off would feel like kick your feet up a little bit it might feel like a little a little reset i might take a nap during the second act i see so fully during the episode yeah all right let's take a break jake will catch a Z or two, and then we'll be back after these messages. Cheers. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys

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So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but

ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS

to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we have returned. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah, I don't know if you can see this big bandaid

on my hand, but I'm encouraging everyone out there to buy oven mitts that will give you full hand protection. Okay? Yeah. Full hand protection. You had oven mitts, but it wasn't full hand?

Jill has these almost like little lobster claws, shout out to the pinch, that are like plastic. They're like little plastic puppet things. Yeah. Rubbish almost? Yeah. Yeah. Rubberish almost. Yeah. Rubberish, rub, rubberish,

um, which is good maybe for getting like a little sheet out of the oven, but I was pulling a full on like cast iron skillet out of the oven. Oh, so I had it, uh, steak. Nice.

One of my new year's resolutions was to cook more. Here we are. So, uh, yeah. So I just reached in, grabbed it, and I had coverage everywhere except this pad right here on the bottom of my hand. And the handle is just like scalding hot. So, yeah. Because, I mean, we, it was high heat. We seared the steak on two sides.

Then we put it in the oven at like 4.50 for 10 or 15 minutes. Coats the inside, sears the outside, burns your hand. Yeah. I mean, I was miserable, but when I ate it, it made me feel better briefly. It was very, very good.

Yeah. When you cut it open, did you like baste it with butter and like rosemary and thyme and stuff like that? My hands? I just ran it under cold water. I had a steak.

We carved my hand and yeah. It's funny. Every act of this episode comes like another terrible thing that happened to you over the last 36 hours. Yeah. But all of it's good. It all stems from good stuff. Just minor inconveniences. Yeah, you had a steak.

Yeah. And you're going on vacation. Right. But in so doing, you burned your hand. Yeah. And woke up early. Yeah, you had a steak and you're going on vacation. Right. But in so doing, you burned your hand and woke up early. Yeah, these are the things that you deal with. What about you? It's your birthday tomorrow. Yeah, my birthday is tomorrow at the time of recording.

If you're listening to this sometime in late January, early February, it's already happened. It's already happened. It's over. Yeah. But I mean, we can get this kind of as like a time capsule, a moment in time. How do you feel about turning the big four zero? I'm ready for it. It's so much buildup, days, weeks, months, years, really.

Once you turn 30, not like the countdown is on. Yeah. People probably talk to you about it a lot. Yeah. 40. 40 is coming up. It's a big deal. I'm already joking about being 40.

So soon I'll actually be 40 and we can sort of reset. Like when your odometer goes to 99999, like all the high numbers to like 10000. Right. It's kind of good. You're the farthest away from being 50 at 40. That's like the next like over the hill thing. So that's good. I went from a nine to a zero basically.

Yeah, that's nice. End of 30s early 40s feels right and i'm already like surrounded by 40-ish year olds already so i feel like um i've been mentally prepared for this moment yeah that's good fortunately uh what do you want for your birthday thank you uh because i don't know if you got my Slack message about the new MacBook Pro. I got your Venmo request, which is interesting because it seemed like it was more than just a standard. I want the two terabyte solid state drive. I want the 516 gigabytes of RAM. I want the 16 inch display and I want a Mac mini so I can put my feet on a stool while I use the computer. Some people answer that question by saying, I have everything I need.

I don't have anything I want. Yeah. Super charged by M2 Pro Max chip, the new Pros completely revolutionize every this is a paperweight you got that four months ago you got it four months ago and it's obsolete yeah you got that for hanukkah you made your parents buy you the top of the line computer yeah space gray space gray and now it feels like i'm holding just a piece of lead an iron weight that means nothing to me because then you should donate it no i don't want to do that because i can use it as a cover for my new laptop so i'll like almost use it as a clamshell i'll hollow it

out like a bagel and put it over my new computer you'll buy me for your birth $3,799. Yeah. For you to me for turning 40. And let me, let me guess. Dope is that you'll be angry if that doesn't happen, right? I'll be angry if you don't pay for it in full.

Yeah. It feels like pissed off. If you choose a payment plan at this point, it feels like you're angry. Kind of regardless. I'm mad because I'm aging. Yeah.

Yeah. And I do want one in silver and in space gray. I'll return the other one when I'm 42. Brand new as is. You'll return it? Not hollow it out into a clamshell.

For the new laptop that you buy me in perpetuity. It doesn't make sense for you to get me one gift, one computer. It's a depreciating asset. Yeah. I need a new, I need you to sign up to this. Almost like a biannual payment plan. I'm not buying you a gift at all i'm yeah i'm gonna donate to a charity in your name no

the worst at least do it anonymously i don't want my name out there on the grid. Actually, we got some questions. Okay. Yeah. It's not just us burning ourselves and turning 40. There's other shit to deal with. Ideally. These are real questions,

of course, from real people, of course, only we're going to be giving them fake names to preserve their anonymity. One of them, I mean, this is a real dilemma. Okay. Band problems. Love it.

I mean, as someone in a band, maybe you can shed some light. This is a seemingly a 20-ish year old Canadian dude. All right. So we'll give him just a Canadian rock star name. Stan Rogers. Some, I was going to say the guy from some 41 or something.

Chad something. Let's go. Stan Rogers, a true Canadian star. Okay. Uh, I'm stuck singing in a band that I really don't enjoy being in. And I don't know how to go about getting out of there because there's four

of us guitar player bass player drummer and me I really like playing with the bass player and I think I hate playing with the guitar player and I'm just kind of generally creeped out by the drummer the guitar player wanted to start a band with the bass player

bass player and the bass player is a fucking great musician and all-around good dude the guitar player is a confrontational asshat with a strong opinion and a pretty shitty taste in music okay though he did take us to a his family's amazing 100 year old cabin on an island to play music the guitar player found me on a music site and reached out to me to sing for them a few months ago. Having just moved to Vancouver, I didn't have much else going on band wise, so I decided to do it right off the bat. I wasn't really enjoying singing slash playing the songs that the guitar player wrote, which is really all we've played. I would outright quit the band,

but I really like jamming with the bass player. He already has two other bands going. It doesn't seem to mind guitar players bullshit. And the drummers smell as much as me. That's right. Um, the, the drummer, uh, sorry, there was something about, uh, the drummer. Oh yeah, here we go. Uh, the drummer has a degenerative foot fungus that makes his feet always smell, and he drums barefoot. Does he have a real degenerative foot fungus? Maybe that's how this man is diagnosing it. Anyway, if you were me, how would you quit the band? How would you convince the bass player to quit the band and start a new one with me without hurting the guitar player's feelings?

I think I would just, you separate the two things. You can't orchestrate a big old coup, right? You just quit. Is it a coup if only, if half the people come with you, a.k.a. two of the four members? Well, yeah, it's kind of like a split. It's a splitting of the band. Yeah. But I think. Has that ever happened split. It's a splitting of the band. Yeah. But I think that ever happened is like, is, does that happen in the band world? Like these two were in this band and now they're in a new band? Uh, yes, yes, of course. Look at, look at Tom DeLonge and Boxcar Racer and Tom DeLonge and Angels and Airwaves and Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker and, um, uh, God, what is it?

Jump 44, something 44, plus 44. But that's usually like one person. Look at, excuse me one second. Look at Matt Skiba and Blink-182. All of my, my basis for all of this knowledge is Blink-based, but if it's happening to my favorite band,

then it's happening to others. band that it's happening to others you mean your basses yeah um no i think it happens all the time there are like there are there are like bands that split up and make those like super bands and stuff like that yeah um half and half and half i feel like it's usually one person leaving or one person the bassist is currently in two other bands. So you don't even have to like, I think you just quit and you ask the bassist on the side if he wants to jam sometime. That seems good. Do you think this guy is just a singer or is it usually like if it's a band of four, you got to do instrument plus singing? Rhythm guitar, I'd hope. Because otherwise it's not jamming it would

just be the basis you singing and you singing which doesn't sound fun yeah it also feels like the singer is the guy that usually comes up with the songs right like is ever like the drummer writes the songs and then somebody else is singing them yeah there's there's some there's plenty of singing drummers i almost think that some 41 drummer wrote some of the songs i don't know yeah it's weird how that works out like i just always assume the guy singing wrote the songs and is playing the guitar and then like the other people are just like filling in the holes but like yeah why can't a drummer write a song i think that happens all the time you just never have thought about it.

Yeah, I don't think or care or know about music enough to know which drummers write songs. You're pontificating some crazy thing that might happen that I think if you're in the music world, anybody is like, yes, this is the standard. Yeah, of course. And it's interesting that way. It's not that interesting. Yeah, I'm saying hypothetically if it were the case. It is the case. What makes the drummer so seemingly disposable like that like are you to assume that i don't know in the sports world an offensive lineman can't diagram what do you do what do you do what do you make what do

you create or do you just fucking sit there and pontificate? I have a fairly popular zine. Fan zine, actually. Yeah, and a fans-ly. And an only fan zine. I have an only fan zine. So I'll sort of highlight slash spotlight different creators in that space. Yeah. Whether it be a foot fetish or a brassiere fetish.

And then people can sort of use me to get to the next level. I have a fin-dom crushing fetish. And I need jerk-off instruction and encouragement. Where would you point me to for those preferences? Instruction and encouragement. What's Fyndom crushing? So do you want somebody to step on your wallet? No, they're two separate things, okay?

They stack. I want someone to tell me when it's okay to spend my cash and i also want them to put me in a little ball and hold my life in their hands is that so weird to you i want someone to sit on a piggy bank wow uh but yeah you can sign up for my zine and there's referral codes just littered all over this email. It's disgusting. It's cool. It's so confusing.

Dailydizzydinkydeals.com. But yeah, it seems like this band is so early in the process. People are coming and going. You can leave. You can join. Yeah. It doesn't seem like you guys are even playing gigs. Is that fair to say?

This is a pre-gig band. It sounds a little bit like you can leave without any issue at all and check in with the bassist and maybe he'll play with you. Or maybe- Your band- Huh? My band? Your band Fade On Shuffle.

Yeah. Would you be perturbed if, what's the only other person in the band? Gareth? Yeah, if he left? And started a band with someone like I don't know me

I wouldn't be no I I wouldn't be perturbed I'd sue him for everything he's worth and yeah I wouldn't really think

twice about it I wouldn't blink well you didn't really sign him to any overall deal or anything that's exactly why I can sue him to oblivion.

I'll crush him in litigation. I'll throw so many fucking legal fees at him. He won't know what to do besides settle. And I'll make him settle for an astronomical fee. You realize you can kill someone with paperwork without winning in court, right? You're so stupid sometimes. No, I'll make him declare bankruptcy. And I'll make him give me every single cent he

ever makes for the rest of his life if he starts another band with you one two one two three that's the best part of being in a band i don't want to be the drummer i just want to be the guy that that counts counts down oh that's true you want to be the guy that counts down and i just want to be the drummer I just want to be the guy that counts counts down you want to be the guy that counts down and I just want to be the manager I want the checks coming to me and then we can fill in the holes from there

we have the countdown guy we have the guy that clears the checks and then we just need the singer, songwriter, guitar drum, whatever I can do the songs too, I'll write the songs I can write the lyrics. That's cool. Yeah.

All right, cool. So, you know, we'll let this guy know that he can just leave the band probably. Gareth? No, I need him. Oh, no, I mean Stan over here. Of course. Yeah. Would you say you're, do you Stan Rogers?

Yeah, that's good i absolutely i absolutely stan rogers okay let's take another break thanks more sponsors jake will nap a little bit more and then we'll try to answer another question on the other side of these messages namaste thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey Hey, yo, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this

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Let's say we try to answer one last question to rule them all. I'd love that for us. Have you watched... Well, what was that HBO show that seems up your alley? The post-apocalyptic show that just came out? Oh, The last of us. Yeah. Are you in on that yet?

I actually started it last night. Um, I only watched the first like 40 minutes though, cause it was late and I had to get up at four 45. Um, it's a 60 minute show and you're like, I'm going to, I'm tapping.

The first episode was like an hour and a half or something. I thought it was a movie when I loaded it up. Oh wow. Um, but yeah, it's great. So far so good. Yeah.

Pedro Pascal is good. I hear good things. This one is sort of completely unrelated to that, but I just thought of that for you. I love it. Thank you. Uh, this is from a high school lady.

Sweet. A blue jean baby. She'll marry a music man. Yeah. The guy from the last question. Let me get straight to the point. For some crazy reason, this dickhead at my school created a list called the fucking legit superlatives list. Apparently his idea was that titles like best ass and best kisser were more valuable than most likely to succeed and most likely to be president.

The list has now been seen by basically everyone in my grade. And of course happened to be, Oh, gosh. off what's going to happen next year how will this ever end am i going to be known only for my tits for the rest of high school should i tell someone about this is this illegal should i drive to the dickhead's house and throw rocks and eggs at his window respond if you're going to use my question and please answer soon jeez louise uh yeah i don't know There's like old me is like, yeah, you should tell tell on everyone. Tell a teacher. So the kid should be in trouble. Yeah. I mean, superlatives in general is kind of crazy, like an official school thing that it. I mean, we had like, and they have basically hottest and stuff. They have like best hair, best eyes, best smile. Right. As voted on by the teachers. My school had a fucked up one that was like most likely to be working at Hampton Hall in five years or something.

Was that a compliment or an insult? I think, no, I mean, I guess maybe you could be like who had the most school spirit, but it was like definitely the people with lowest prospects were voted as that. Did you get one? Does everyone get one? Yeah. Or was it just? No, not everyone got one. I got the class clown one.

Classic. Wow. What? Did you not get one? Good for fucking you. No, I didn't get class clown. I also got best cock in the super fucking legit superlatives that I started and no one else submitted for. But I had best cock, best ass, most cash. Just you holding up a piece of paper.

Hear ye, hear ye. Will anyone hear me? I have the best ass in town. Put that on my resume for a year. Yeah. I mean, the actual superlatives thing is kind of crazy. The fact that they still do that. This fucking legit superlatives list seems like a classic high school prank that I guess is not really illegal, but really fucked up.

Yeah. And maybe should be illegal. There's definitely. Yeah. There's something uh sexual harassment adjacent definitely i mean not like maybe illegal to the letter of the law but i think you can get punted i'm sure it's against like a school handbook oh yeah policy the person suspendable yeah expellable uh that's it i think if it were happening to me in high school what i would do is ignore it and pretend it didn't happen and it does eat away at you for a while but uh all that stuff fades away i don't talk to a single person from my high school so yeah high school is a quick

turnover of pranks yeah like the biggest deals in the world sort of fade to the background i think responding fuck off or not responding at all feels fine it feels correct um did you have any like kids that were suspended or expelled where it like became like kind of you know not nationwide but within the high school like why yeah news yeah yeah for sure yeah it happened to me i was like i i think my junior year or maybe my senior year i like went to homecoming drunk and i got in trouble and i had to sit in front of like the student council and administrators and basically have like a student trial for my punishment and that was. You got drunk in 11th grade? Yeah.

You went to a dance or a football game? Homecoming dance. So you went to a dance. You were drunk. How did people find out? I guess because I was wasted. They saw you? Yeah.

And then do you remember like a teacher or principal coming up to you like that night or is it like the next day situation? Next day. I remember like I got a call from a teacher. This was after the dance and they were like, they were like, I forget exactly. I mean, don't remember at all exactly what happened cause it was a long time ago and I was drunk. Um, but yeah, it was like a next day. I got called into the administrator.

They were like, we know you were- Was it a school day or like a Sunday you were called in? Oh, I guess maybe. No, I don't think homecoming was like on Saturday. I feel like it was like a Thursday. Because you know, it's okay. It doesn't have to be a weekend because you're not supposed to be getting drunk.

Yeah, you're in school after all. Or maybe it was a Friday and there was a football game the next day and it happened after the weekend or something. But yeah, they found me out. They told my parents. My parents confirmed it or something. And then I had to go to the student council and everyone asked me questions and it was very... I assume other people were drunk, not just you, right?

It wasn't. Yeah, it wasn't just me, but I was I was the one that got caught. Yeah. And then the student like other 16 year olds are like sentencing. They gave you the chair. What's the punishment? I remember like everyone was asking me like questions and the this like somebody who had like helped plan homecoming was like did you think you wouldn't have any fun at homecoming i was like uh no i thought it would be great i'm sorry i don't know but like of course i didn't think it was going to be fun unless i was drunk that was

the point yeah and then so what do you remember your punishment for something two days of in-school suspension and i believe that i was i was like everybody all the seniors got to do like a senior So what, do you remember your punishment for something? Two days of in-school suspension. And I believe that I was, I was like, everybody, all the seniors got to do like a senior project where they like the last month of school, they had an internship or they didn't have to, they didn't have to go to classes and they had to like present whatever they learned at the end of the semester. But I wasn't allowed to do that. So I had, I was the only senior at school that had to stay on campus the last month of school

so I was just in classes by myself So the teacher would still go there and it would just be you and a math teacher one on one teaching you? Yeah well because some of the classes physics had juniors and seniors and some underclassmen in there but then I think my English class it was literally just me physics had juniors and seniors that had some underclassmen in there. Got it. But then like there,

I think like my English class, it was literally just me. It's really a punishment for your teacher. Yeah. It's, it was, I don't have fond memories of the school. Yeah.

It's, it's hard to punish a high schooler because high school is sort of already the punishment. Yeah. It's bad. You don't want to be like, you, you have to keep going to school.

Then it's not a punishment. You can't be like, you have to stay at home school then it's not a punishment you can't be like you have to stay at home because that's fine too which is my punishment was you have to be here all the time it's in school suspension so that's not even like you at home that's just you here at school in a room by yourself and then it's you on campus yeah yeah during the weekend is it like uh no it's during day i like was i was in some weird office like an administrative office where i could like see out in the courtyard and i could see my friends and i just had to sit there and do homework but i think i snuck in the dave matthews uh biography cd man yeah that's cool that'll show him it was awesome that's really cool what was the question oh yeah what should you say about

the people sort of harassing yeah so i guess what i'm saying is that nothing matters in high school but apparently you will remember it forever like i do but you'll laugh at it someday yeah i would tell on these people so that they would have to do the in-school suspension the council of their peers they deserve to be in trouble yeah and can we say no phones for them during suspension? Otherwise, it's not really a suspension at all. God, I cannot even imagine punishing kids now. All right. Good luck.

Fuck those other people. How dare they? Fucking legit superlatives list. That's right. Unbelievable. And if you're running a school, maybe get rid of the actual superlatives list too That's right. Unbelievable. And if you're running a school, maybe get rid of the actual superlatives list too. That'd be smart.

Doesn't feel right. I mean, they still do ranking. Public schools are like, I was 83rd in my class. They have a literal ranking of everybody. Do you remember what number you were? We didn't really have that because we were a private school,

so we didn't have the superlatives or the ranking. Yeah. We didn't have the ranking, but we had the superlatives or the ranking. We didn't have the ranking, but we had the superlatives. That's cool. Thanks for writing questions. Thanks for writing theme songs. Kevin,

the opening theme song, and all these people for writing in at ifirewshow at gmail.com. Please, we're running low on questions. We're running low on theme songs, and now is the time to send them in best possible time folks and you can watch

more of us on our Patreon patreon.com slash JA hundreds and hundreds hundreds and hundreds of those episodes Kevin Ramberin

who runs a burger restaurant in Winnipeg beautiful that's right so thank you, Kevin. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to you guys for writing in. And we'll be back next week.

Ciao, everybody. Later. Later. I'm so fucking painful. Hey, Amir, man. Look in the mirror, man. I bet you see a lot of flowers becoming clear. And I bet you see that fuzzy tail out your rear. And I bet you craving seeds and worms for a meal, man. And AJ, let's get one thing straight. Jill fuckers up to Tucker and it feels real great.

I saw you at a rave and no I ain't bluffing you. I was rocking the chinner and you was kissing your cousin. That's foul. Wow. I wonder how y'all have decided to keep holding on. Bow. Wow. Oh and one last thing since you're taking hits. I wouldn't platform Jeffrey James. He's a

hateful bitch if I were you. Yo hey. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by

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