Segments - 58: Immune To Sex (Live At UCB Theatre in LA!)

Episode Date: February 3, 2014

In this episode we discuss sexting, flappy bird, and respecting your elders -- recorded live at UCB Theatre in Los Angeles! This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount -- zoo.mn/GPfH89 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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it was our live episode oh it was live so uh things not only got real but they did so in front of a live studio audience which is fun insane and uh also the seahawks uh destroyed the broncos today so you won our billboard bet you're goddamn right i did holy crap that was great i think i think my one thing that i'm hoping for is that you get too lazy to design it. Wow. Yeah. And I think the one thing that I'm hoping for is for our fans out there to design a billboard and send it my way at ifIwoshowatgmail.com. Let's get started. Enjoy the show, everyone.

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. If I were you. If I were you.

If I were you. If I were you. I'll tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Shark.com. Jacob Amir. If only I were you Are you here still? Hit the road! Jesus! There he is! Mikey! Thank you for the intro, Mikey! Let's give it up for Mike!

Wow. Let's give it up for you guys. Thank you. You guys are sort of lukewarm on yourselves. Get your self-confidence up, guys. You guys aren't that bad, guys Except for Mike Enough Sorry

So, wow Thank you so much for coming to our first ever show in Los Angeles These guys all have our shirts on These guys are models I hired. Not this dude, though. Yeah. Well, that's actually a button-up shirt I designed. Limited 2, right?

You assumed he shopped at Limited 3. Limited 3. Next level limited. I love that. That's the only shirt they sell. That's how limited it is. What? Somebody groaned at that. You know what? That's a limited it is. What? Somebody groaned at that.

You know what? That's a funny joke. That's how limited it is? It was smart, but it wasn't good. Is there a... I appreciate that. All right, you got it. It wasn't a compliment, but sure.

All right, I really do. Well, you shouldn't. Thank you. Got it. You're not welcome. Namaste. Namaste. Don't say that anymore.

Ta-da. All right. So guys, this is a live version of our podcast. Just by a show of hands, who here has heard the podcast before? Wow. Thank God we don't have to explain it, right? No, I think we still should. Okay.

Well, who here is just here because of our billboard? Who here drove by the billboard, googled the name at the top of it, heard the podcast, stood in the standby line In the rain, by the way The first time it ever rains in Los Angeles is during our show What, are you blaming me? I'm sorry Apology accepted, actually

You control the weather, that's incredible I'm a fan of the weather weather I wouldn't say I control it You are oddly obsessed with weather You're going on vacation tomorrow And I've been tracking the weather more than you have Yeah, you know my flight might be cancelled And I don't I told you this morning there's a winter storm advisory

And you said, what's that? I've never heard of a winter storm Nor an advisory actually So the two of them together is blowing my fucking mind I'm just saying watch out for tomorrow I'm afraid that I'll lose you forever don't awe that it's really creepy

I didn't want him to say it so how does the show work well usually it's just me and Jake alone in a room. People email us their difficult dilemmas, their sticky situations, and we do our best to advise them out of their problems. Yes. I've got nothing to add. You nailed it. Do you want me to critique it? Your posture is bad.

To be perfectly honest, I zoned out during it. Yeah, you were thinking about your flight. Well, no, I was thinking about this shirt's sort of hot, so I was going to take it off, but I was like, no, I'm going to wait a little bit. Nice. I don't know. Anyway, I already know how the show works.

I'm going to have more whiskey. Yeah, thank you. So people email us at ifireadyshow at gmail.com and we come through the thousands of submissions and we have in my phone right now the best six ever.

I dropped my phone. You can't bring for applause now. Oh, God, my phone turned off. No, no, no, no. Oh, shit. Do you have them? Did I forward them to you?

I don't even look at the questions, man. Just read anything at this point. We usually give these emails, these real emails, fake names to preserve these people's anonymity, so I guess we can just use people's names in the crowd. Zach! No, no, no, Zach is a shitty name.

He's like a really, like a good, a good-hearted. Connor. Connor is also, if anything, it's worse than Zach. I think we're gonna have to leave. Those are two dope names, actually. Your name's fucking

Amir Shmuel. Enough. Sorry, Zach is too cool for you, right? Not a live blast. Please. I would never,

ever put you on a live blast. Yeah. It's insincere. It's good. It's bad. All right. All right. We'll use Zach.

Oh, this is nice, actually, because I feel like last, a couple episodes ago, I was talking about running someone's neck, and nobody was there to see me do it. Sure. And I, like, didn't. So this is, Mikey, you're from Hampton. You understand. You get it. All right.

So this is running somebody's neck. Okay. Ow. So that's it. That's really good. Do it to your friends. You understand. You get it. All right, so this is running somebody's neck. Okay. Ow. So that's it. That's really good. Do it to your friends. Yeah. And that's perfect for the thousands of people listening at home.

Because they still don't understand. This is not being recorded. Is nobody taking video? Okay. All right. All right. Ready? First question.

From Zach. Wink. Sup, dudes. I already fucked up. What happened? I had them in a really nice specific order and I chose the last one instead of the first. That's interesting.

So what's happening right now? In my head? Yeah. I'm taking a shit. On the stage. I'm taking a shit on the stage. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. Of course. In my head. Yeah. I'm taking a shit on the stage. Oh, yeah, I can see that. Yeah.

Of course. In my head. Yeah. I'm wearing the cardigan and nothing else. No Ben Sherman shirt, just cardigan, bare chest, bare ass, socks, shoes? Socks, no shoes. Socks, no shoes. And are you standing upright taking a shit?

Are you squatting? No, standing upright? How do you take a shit standing upright? I mean, you definitely could. No, you could not. Yeah, you could. Your ass cheeks are just a closed gate. That means that you would smear shit on your ass, but it doesn't mean you couldn't do it.

I will prove it right now. By asking for a volunteer. I don't have to go yet. We need a girl. Any girl. You misogynist. I'd love a girl to take a shit on this stage. I really would. I want to tell you to take a shit on this stage. I really would.

I want to tell you to shut up, but I wouldn't mind it. All right. Hey, guys. Have you ever Googled a person you started dating? I'm sure you have. We all have. Well, when I did, I found something that really confused me. This is what happened.

I met this really cool guy at an open mic I performed at. He seemed really smart and funny. I went over to his house two nights ago, and we had amazing sex. I even sang and played the guitar for him. I felt like we had a real connection. The next day, he texted me, I miss that pussy. Reading this text made me feel a little strange.

It would have been nicer if he had said, I miss you. But whatever, it didn't really bother me. And it confirmed that he had enjoyed the sex as much as I had. However, then I proceeded to Google his name just to see what would plop up. Well, I found his Twitter page. A few hours after he had texted me, I miss that pussy, he had tweeted,

I'm done having sex. It's boring, and I'm immune to it. I'm so confused and hurt. What is going on? I can't confront him about it, because he'll know that I just creepily googled him. Should I just let it go? What should I do? Thanks for your help. Love, Zach.

How dare you, Zach? Well, this is a girl who wrote it, so it's like a female Zach. Right. I should have asked for a girl's name. Whatever. Okay. First of all, I really liked how you were reading that perverted story like a children's book.

Yeah. Showing people. Sitting around to everybody. Yeah, I actually illustrated it. I missed that pussy. Yeah, yeah. And then it's like a little children's pastel book of a pussy being missed. It's a thought bubble and a pussy.

Yeah. You shouldn't buy this book for your kids, basically. It's not for children. No. Wait, what was her question? The question specifically was... Do I bring it up? You shouldn't buy this book for your kids basically It's not for children No Wait what's What was her question? The question specifically was Do I bring it up?

Should I just let it go? Should I bring it up? Because then he'll know that I creepily googled him And she didn't offer an option of stop talking to him? Yeah because it was a really amazing sex Well what do you think is the bigger problem? I miss that pussy as a text? Or

Tweeting after you had sex with someone I'm done having sex It's boring and how I'm immune to it. What does it mean to be immune to sex? That doesn't make any sense to me there. I mean, I'm the opposite of immune to sex. Yeah, you're afflicted with it You have the sex disease. Right, right. STDs. Which clearly he does... Sorry, did you say I have an STD? No, I said you have sex diseases.

Oh. Transmitted or otherwise. While for the night I'm feeling polite I'm going... So, is it not a problem that she played the guitar for him? No that's a sexy

I feel like that's a first date that's so weird What are you talking about? I don't want to be intimate like that If a girl played guitar for you on the first date You'd be turned off? Yeah absolutely it makes me want to throw up right now Jesus you're a bad person Right of course

We already knew that This is a new information Really you'd really be turned off by the playing of the guitar? More so than I miss that pussy? Right! Of course! We already knew that! This is new information! Really? You're really being turned off by the playing of the guitar? More so than I missed that pussy? That's a bad text. Well, I mean, he shouldn't say that. I don't think I've ever said to anybody, I missed that pussy.

You've said it, but not with those words. I feel like I miss your pussy is way more intimate. Yeah. Oh, you're talking about grammatically you've never said it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever sent... What's the sexiest text you've ever sent somebody? I'd love to know how you are. Have you ever sexted with someone?

I've never sexted with someone. You've never sent a dick pic? Never sent a dick pic. When you get horny... Which is the other name of our pic. When you get horny... Which is the other name of our podcast. When you get horny... Yeah.

And you need to reach out to somebody. What's like a text you send to get them wet, to get them excited, to come over and fuck you? Do you see how uncomfortable sex makes them feel? What's a text that I sent to get someone horny and wet

to come over and fuck me? I don't know. What is a magical text that'll do that? Please. We should all know this text, right? This text that gets people horny to fuck you.

For this guy, it was like, is it a hashtag? Is it a group of numbers and letters? It's definitely, it's absolutely a hashtag is it a group of numbers and letter i was definitely it's absolutely a hashtag it's hashtag miss that pussy and it's trending pussy it's trending holy shit this is live live live i can't believe this girl wasn't turned off i would be more turned off by a miss that pussy than i'm than uh i'm bored by i don't know i'm bored by sex. It's pretty bad after having just had

sex with you. I'd say that's worth telling him, regardless of whether you sound creepy or not. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like you just... I just think you write this dude off and never talk to him again. Even if the sex was amazing? I want to know what you responded to, I missed that pussy. Did you say, I missed that dick?

Of course, that's the immediate response, right? My pussy misses that dick. No, you don't get down in the trenches. My pussy misses that dick. No, no, no. You don't get down in the trenches with them. I would never say I missed that pussy. You say, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

What'd you have for lunch today? Diffuse it. Yeah. Diffuse that. And he'll be like, pastrami on rice. Seriously, though, your pussy missed that. And you'd be like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Did you have a pickle on the side?

And he would say, like, yeah. I'd love to stick a pickle on the side? And he would say like, yeah. I'd love to stick a pickle in your pussy. And then she says, excuse you. Yeah. You've finally gone too far. And then the tweet of I'm bored with sex. Right. So?

Should I just let it go? No. It's over? I don't know. I think it's over. I want to recap everything in my mind really quick. Okay, okay, so. MetaMeta on open mic.

Played guitar for him. Amazing sex. Missed that pussy. Missed that pussy. Tweet on board. I will say, I missed that pussy is like, that's a bad text. That's borderline inexcusable. Would you say that's rape?

Am I on the stand right now? Holy fuck, I'm getting arrested. It wasn't me. Oh, shit, I totally misunderstood the plan of the show. I miss that pussy, but I think that's like, you can attribute that to he just doesn't know how to turn her on yet. It's like after first date. I bet that works for some people.

Would anybody be turned on by I miss that pussy? After a first sexual... This dude is raising his hand a little bit. A really tepid hand raise. Would you send that text? Hashtag dope? No. That pussy was hashtag dope?

I'm stupid and I wouldn't even send that text. Would anybody send I miss that pussy Would any girl be turned on by I miss that pussy Wow that is an unequivocal No From this entire audience I guess that's a good lesson to learn If you're a dude out there don't text I miss that pussy

Right but there is like a middle ground of like Text that you like nobody has to be like you Do you send dirtiness the day after? Or do you act cool the day after? I personally would act, I don't like, I feel like you build on their sexiness. You can't reach out with sexy.

Yeah, that's like zero to pussy. You don't go zero to pussy. There's a, there's a 30 miles per hour. Not even like a, like what if, what if she,

what, who knows what her fucking day is like? She's, she just found out her aunt is really sick and she's like, oh fuck, this is really terrible. Oh, I got a text. I miss that pussy. No, you can't just...

You have to find out what the person's doing before you tell them you miss your pussy. Hey, where are you? Oh, I'm just at home. Okay, great, I miss that pussy. I'm at my niece's second birthday, actually. Okay, so at this point, I just missed your handjob then. All right.

Let me know when you're at home by yourself, then I'll miss your pussy. I feel like reading, I don't know. This dude sounds like an asshole. Move on. That's it. The end. I say continue going for it. Right?

One text is not as bad as great sex. One text compounded with the tweet. The tweet was bad. But the tweet, tweets can mean anything. My tweets are just non-sequitur. This one does seem based in reality. Yeah, of course. It seemed like he either doesn't miss that pussy.

He had sex the night before. He's thinking about pussy and then he's like, oh, you know what, I'm immune to sex. Which clearly he's not because he misses pussy. Yeah. He's a liar. Yeah, don't. No, move on. And you say go for it. Yeah, which is weird because usually it's a liar. Yeah, don't. No, move on. And you say go for it.

Yeah, which is weird because usually it's the opposite. Right, no, cheers. Next question. That's correct. Shit. Alright, ready? We need another name for the audience. Samson.

Samson. Alright, Samson. That guy has really long hair. Oh my god, likeson? Samson. All right, Samson. That guy has really long hair. Oh, my God. Like the Bible Samson. Oh, yeah. I didn't think of that. Really? Yeah.

You absolutely baited me with that. 100%. All right, ready? Yeah. Hey, guys. Recently, some friends and I were getting ready to play Frisbee golf. As we were about to leave my friend's house, his dad asked and I were getting ready to play frisbee golf. As we were about to

leave my friend's house, his dad asked us what we were up to and sort of invites himself along. This is usually no problem, but this guy is one of those dads who tries a little too hard to act youthful. So he came along. After all, how bad can it be? Bad. He spent the whole time making snide remarks about our classic inside jokes and talking up a few unimpressive life accomplishments. It's my friend's dad, but he was a colossal joy kill ass. It seemed unfair that he could make jokes at our expense, but no one else could really do the same as he was an uninvited... No one else could do the same at this uninvited guest. Anyway, as we were walking back to the car,

I decided I had had enough of this guy and called shotgun. I felt that if he wanted to run with our crew, he had to follow our rules. Needless to say, he freaked... Needless to say, he freaked out. And after a few awkward minutes, he decided that he would rather... Needless to say, he freaked out.

And after a few awkward minutes, he decided he would rather walk the three miles home. I used to go to this friend's house all the time. Now I feel like we can never be seen again. Was it me who was the ass? Should I apologize? Thanks for the advice. Love, Samson, I guess.

That question is Absolutely depressing What kind of Unimpressive life accomplishments Can a friend's dad bring up The dad who got ostracized So much that he had to Whoa whoa bud I'd love to play frisbee golf

Right I can talk about how I got a 3.9 in college It's really really tiny But I love that this little kid was like He was making fun of our classic inside jokes The dude is unwilling to budge That they might not be great Don't side with the dad

You gotta understand man Our inside jokes are fucking hilarious He's a buzzkill We're trying to play frisbee golf. They're on point. It's just so funny that friend's dad is the saddest relationship to you you can have. Nothing is sadder than a friend's dad.

My friend's dad. Yeah. Think of all your friend's dads. It's already the funniest thing. Your dad isn't funny to you because you're used to it. Your dad to me is funny. My dad to you is funny? And my dad to me is funny. My dad to you is funny? And my dad to you is funny. Yes, that's true.

Josh Heller agrees. So what would you say to this guy who basically said... You bullied your friend's dad? He bullied like a 50-year-old man. I thought you get immune to it when you're old, but I guess not.

I love... What do you think happened? The idea of a few awkward moments... Shotgun! Yeah, all right, all right. You kids are having fun. No. No, Mr. Samson, you don't understand.

Shotgun's kind of a sacred rule here. It's an inside joke. I don't appreciate the snide remarks on. Alright, alright. Well, uh, well, gee whiz, whoever touches the car first. Ow! My back! My back! Fuck me! Um. I pulled my back. Pull over.

I'd rather walk home than sit in the back. You think that really happened? I hope. I hope there's a world. I'd rather pull over so that he can walk home three miles because he didn't get shotgun I feel like

even there was a time when I like when I was driving and um we were driving home from vacation this was the first time

I ever had my license so we were driving back from vacation my parents are both tired and I was like look I'll drive and it was the weirdest whoa what was that

I'm telling a sentimental story here this change My parents are both tired And I was like look I'll drive And it was the weirdest Whoa what was that? I'm telling a sentimental story here This change Somebody lost a dollar She's already on the ground picking it up So my parents are tired I say look I'll drive And for the first time ever I saw my dad get into the back seat And it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen

Because he was Emasculated? He was emasculated. Yeah, sitting in the back. My dad, he became a little bitch in my eyes. A standing that would

never change. And I'll say this only because I know for a fact my dad doesn't listen to my fucking podcast. But dad? This is so real. Holy shit.

That's orange juice, but still. Yeah? I forgive you. For what? He didn't do anything wrong to you. I know. You were what? What is he?

Shit, mom, I know you're listening because you're my bitch, but... Oh, God. Could you show this to dad? Show it? And let him know, let him know that God. Could you show this to Dad? Show it? And let him know that that was chill when he moved to the back seat. Because I feel like that never left him.

You know what I'm saying? And your dad's 4'11", so his feet were sort of dangling. He's 4'11". Not touching the ground. He's a terrible driver, because this foot's a size 3 1⁄2. Men.

Yeah, that's a 3 1⁄2 men. This one's a 2, toddler. half. That's a three and a half men. This one's a two, toddler. He basically has a peg leg. Yeah. And he was in the backseat eating a Hot Pocket, dangling his legs. So he was emasculated his whole life. I don't understand how he landed my mom.

Who's a fucking dime, if not a 15-cent piece, if there is such a thing. There is not, I'll tell you right now. In any culture? What happened when someone glued a dime and a nickel to you and gave it to you? If not a 15 cent piece, if there is such a thing. There is not, I'll tell you right now. In any culture? No, in any culture. In any culture? What happened was someone glued a diamond and nickel to you

and gave it to you. Uh-huh. That was not a 15 cent piece. Unfortunately, yes, and I did accept that as currency. Yeah. So, yeah. It didn't work out.

Right, no. So what I would say to this guy is that it's not your fault. You don't have to apologize. But it's a really funny story. No, you, of course you have to. No, fuck, you should, you gotta treat your elders with respect. Well, this guy's a really funny story. No, of course you have to. No, fuck, you should treat your elders with respect.

Well, this guy's a joy-kill ass. This kid is a fucking douchebag. You can't accept his email as fact. Why? He said, we got classic inside jokes. They're playing frisbee golf. I'm not necessarily siding with this kid. Are you

guys? Everybody thinks the kid's right? Everybody here came from a frisbee golf practice. There's a chance that his life accomplishments, like raising a teenager, are pretty cool, pretty good, and he deserves to get shotgun. I think if you're old, you get shotgun.

Fuck all you guys. I'm leaving, I think. One day I'm going to be a dad, and I think I'll beat a kid if he doesn't give me shotgun. I'll beat a kid. Shotgun is given to whoever wants it the most at the end of the day.

Like, if I called shotgun and somebody else just sits in shotgun, I'm not going to wrestle him out. He wants it the most, so he gets it. That's why I get shotgun dude it's not a good thing uh-huh you're the guy nobody likes at the end of the day I think the best the best way well I mean this no one's asking for this advice but the best way to avoid that shotgun thing is

to just drive and then you get the front seat it's pretty great yeah cheers you shouldn't drive okay um is that it is that him with this guy who wanted shotgun? Once again, this is a two for two conflicting advice. I think the dad is owed an apology. No, and I think if your dad is trying to hang out with his son, he's a loser dad. Your dad hangs out with... We hang out with your dad.

We hung out with your dad last night. My dad's cooler than me. It doesn't count. That's fair. My dad's a gynecologist. Your dad looks at pussies all day. And he gets money for it. If I could get paid for looking at pussy, man.

You're shitting me. If I get paid for looking at pussy though, holy shit. But the problem is you don't go to my dad if you want to have a healthy pussy. Right, right, right He's looking at the clap It's still pussy though It's still pussy though I guess

Jesus Oh I got an echo right now It still gets pussy He doesn't get pussy I don't know what a gynecologist does I've never been to one But doesn't he not finger? I don't know what a gynecologist does. I've never been to one. But doesn't he finger you? How

dare you? That's why if I ever get a girlfriend and she goes to a gynecologist, I'm getting the shit out of that motherfucker. Yeah, that's cheating. Sorry, doc. Did you finger my fucking girlfriend? I examined her. Sure. Yeah, yeah. So you're done now. Excuse me? You're stuck. Get off! Oh my god, it smells like a rubber glove,

and I know for a fact that glove was in my girlfriend's pussy. I delivered your daughter not three hours ago, so. So you touched her pussy too. I guess so, it was a C-section. Oh my God, you pedophile ass. Shit got real, right? You touched her pussy, too. The worst new father.

Sir, this is your new daughter. She healthy? Ten fingers, ten toes? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, and you touched her pussy, right? I mean, I'm holding her from the... She's naked right now. Where's your hand? Where's your other hand?

Oh, I dropped your baby! Are you happy? Your baby just bungee-corded with a... Well, you dropped her. That's not fair. That's not on me. You cupped her ass and dropped her. You're a pedophile and a murderer now. I miss that pussy.

Who's ready for question number three? Just looking at how we're doing on time I don't understand Yeah, so seven is the hour Yeah And then after the cold I got there The rest of the way I got there And I resent this

I would say this is a This is a live blast Yeah By explaining a digital clock to you Usually people have a problem With the analog kind That's the way I got there and I resent this. I would say this is a live blast. By explaining a digital clock to you? Usually people have a problem with the analog kind. Yeah. No, this is... I mean, they're both tough because it's sort of... No, they're not.

That one's just saying three numbers. Actually, neither one's that hard, so... All right, third question. Yep. Oh, a name. Stacy! Stacy! That's my girl. Stace.

Stacy's. Stacy's mom writes. Oh wait, this is a guy. Stacy's dad. Yeah, Stacy's dad. Stacy's dad has got it going bad. Oh, shit. So close. I want to go back in time and change only that. Stacey's dad has got it going bad Oh shit So close

I want to go back in time and change only that That's how small and petty I am Fuck 9-11 That can happen I just want to make sure we both said bad Oh my god I'll edit that out Also go back in time and

not make a 9-11 joke. Stacey's dad has got it going bad. We always say the same thing. And the Twin Towers are still around. We fixed it both. In post. Life is... Yeah, alright.

Third question. Third question. question one time here we go my girlfriend and I have been going out for a month now and she's my everything but a problem rose the other day when I was talking to her on Facebook she told me she wanted to spend less time with me and that she wanted to hang out with her friends more often. Her exact words were, they're the world to me and I do really care about you a lot. It's just that I don't talk to them as much and those guys are great. I kind of have a feeling that this one is, sorry, I kind of have a feeling that this is one step closer to a breakup because surely you would want to spend all of your time with the person you love. Or am I not that person?

So anyway, my question is, does this mean she wants to break up with me on a later date? Any advice would be super helpful. Love, Stacy's father. I thought this would be funny to give this guy the opposite advice and then hopefully he can decipher that right opposite advice does the fact that she wants to hang out

with her friends mean that she wants to break up with him unfortunately bud you are on the quick road for a breakup here so when somebody when you really care about someone you gotta hold them real tight would you say you have to smother them? I would say, yeah, essentially it's a smothering job.

Yeah, of course. And I think if they want to hang out with their friends or work hard on their job, basically any time spent away from you is negative, bad, and also, obviously she's not in love with you because why would you want to hang out with her friends? When you love someone, you want to just

be with them always. So you think of your love as a scale of 1 through 24, and then you minus the hours you guys are away. Oh, interesting. So if your girlfriend has a job that's away from you, you're already at a 16. That's insane. She hates me at this point.

Yeah, she has a job that's not... Well, but she has friends. Don't even joke about a girl that has friends that aren't you. Dude, I had a girlfriend and I fucking dated this girl and she wanted to get dinner. She wanted to get dinner. Get this.

She wanted to get dinner with her goddamn sister. Jesus. And I'm like, oh, sorry. What, was she 69? Excuse me, are you gonna fucking 69

your sister? Probably. Why else would she not be with you? I don't need this heartache. I don't need this heartbreak. For goodness sake. So,

what should he do in a non-opposite world? Oh, don't be a fucking asshole. Your girlfriend likes her friends. That's a positive thing. You should like

your friends too. And you guys, it's amazing when your girl is like, I'm gonna go and hang out with my friends. Yeah, that means you get to stay at home

and watch TV for yourself. Which is the best part of being in a relationship. I want to make fun of you for being lonely, but that's true. There is nothing better when you're in a relationship. Dude, I swear to God, I cum in people all the time,

and it feels great, but there's no better feeling. There's no better feeling than going home with a fucking sandwich and a bag of chips and being like, I there's no better feeling. There's no better feeling than going home with a fucking sandwich and a bag of chips and being like, I'm gonna watch TV. Yeah. And you can fuck the sandwich, too.

And I do. Yeah. And I have. And you do. It's easy to get it on a baguette. And you know what? The sandwich doesn't call me the next day and be like, what did that mean?

Yeah. The fucking French roll is not gonna say I missed that dick. No, one time. Oh my god. I swear to, dude, I shit you not. What happened? A sourdough loaf texted me. An entire loaf.

A loaf. You got a whole loaf? That loaf texted me. What did you do with it? Wait, you had an uncut sourdough loaf, and you sliced it in half and made a what, a bologna sandwich? Uh-huh, and I jacked off with it. And the rest of the loaf texted me and said, I missed that dick.

Holy shit. I know. The loaf did that. Insane. Yeah, a loaf. And I responded and we ended up dating for a year and a half. How is that? I lived with that loaf. And uh, fuck if I don't miss that loaf today.

A loaf if you're listening. Please call Jake. A loaf. Stop being aloof. Yeah, you almost're listening. Please call Jake. Aloof. Stop being aloof. You almost aloofed with that loaf. Oh, food to both of us. So, we talked about this at lunch about how if somebody wants to spend time apart, you're pretty much, your only option is

to not force them not to because then they're hanging out with you begrudgingly, which is the worst kind of hanging out. They're a prisoner. Yeah, an emotional prisoner. So they're like, no, you're not. We are in love, so we hang out all the time. Yeah, why would you want to hang out with every waking moment

with somebody? Yeah, no, it's a negative bad thing to do in a relationship. But I feel like everybody here gets that, so we can just, let's go on to the fourth question. Jesus! I don't know if everyone gets that. Yeah, a lot of people are like, oh, I want to spend every... Clinkiness is bad. Of course it's bad. Smothering is bad.

I don't know if I already said this, because I'm fucked up on whiskey, but she wrote, she specifically wrote, I like you, I love spending time with you, but my friends are great. Yeah. So those are two good things. She likes you, but my friends are great. Yeah. So those are two good things. She likes you and her friends are great.

Okay. So she should sacrifice her friends. That's good. She hangs out with her friends. That's great. She hangs out with you. That's great. Everything's great. Nothing's bad. You're making it bad. You're making it bad by wanting to hang out with her more. What was this guy's name? Stacy's dad? Stacy's dad is making it bad you're making it bad by wanting to hang out with her what was this guy's name stacy's dad yeah stacy's dad and making it bad all right all right stacy what is your dad's

name mark okay mark writes let's start from the top uh mark uh all right i was gonna guess mark i swear to god yeah stacy what's your mom's name? Don't say it yet I'm going to guess two Samson you count to three And we're all going to get Everybody here guesses Stacy's mom's name Somebody's going to get it right I swear to God this is going to happen

One two You said Samson was going to do it Samson one two three And then we all guess mom's name. One. Daynard. Did someone say Daynard? He got it. Stacey's mom is, I don't know, Dutch?

What is that? Okay. Stacey's mom is made up. All right. One, two, three. Joe. What is it, three. Joe! What is it? Kathy. Who said Kathy? Did anyone say Kathy?

I said Carrie. What'd you say? Carriage? Carrots? Carrots. Unfortunately, carrots win. Katrina's close. No, Katrina won. No, no, unfortunately, carrots. What did you say? I said carrots. I said baby carrots.

I said Debbie. I said baby carrots. I said Debbie. Debbie. Real not close, actually. I would say that was a bad game. If I were to categorize that game. I can't believe no one took credit for Kathy. I absolutely heard no one. It was a blur.

Someone should have said Kathy. Yeah, the world's smallest prize goes to the guy who shouted out Kathy amidst 40 other people shouting out names. Actually, I said Kathy. Yeah, the world's smallest prize goes to the guy who shouted out Kathy amidst 40 other people shouting out names. Actually, I said Kathy. You win. Speaking of games, this game, this question has to do with a game.

Can we get a dude's name? Quincy? What about Kathy? I feel like now we're giving Stacy an undue amount of attention here. Okay, so give me a female name. Okay, Shauna.

That's that guy's name. I'm saying, Shauna. Hey guys, I recently started playing the game Flappy Bird. Alright. My friends told me to get it. Applause the game Flappy Bird. Alright. My friends told me to get it. Applause break for Flappy Bird.

30 minute applause break. Standing O everybody. Only birds in this audience. I recently started playing the game Flappy Bird. My friends told me to get it and it looked like a lot of fun. However, as soon as I started playing, I instantly realized that this fucking devil of a game is the hardest shit I've ever put my hands on. That being said, I cannot for the life of me stop playing this bitch of a game. It's so simple too,

but I'm fucking bad at it. Should I give up on this piece of shit? Or push through and become the best there ever was? Thanks. What's the name? Detrand? What was the name of the woman? Shauna. Shauna. Detrand.

All right. Also, Denard was the name you were trying to come up with. It's from a woman? Sort of an androgynous name. It doesn't matter. It's pansexual. Right. You once told me that you got into Tiny Wings once and you had to delete it because you say when you're playing a game on a subway, you just look like a loser.

Right. You can't look cool playing it. In my eyes, I walk onto the subway in New York City and I'm just like, oh, dude, I am on point. I'm looking good. I'm smoldering. I'm on my way to Brooklyn. Everybody's like, holy shit, who is this smoke show of a dude? And then they look over my shoulder, and I'm just like, eh, eh.

It's the saddest, smallest thing you can do is look at this little screen and be invested in it and be like, shit, shit. Flappy wings. Oh, shit. i went yo okay i'll fuck you i'll fuck you and uh no no that's bad so tiny wings i ended up do you remember i deleted tiny wings yeah because you were afraid you were getting to the point where you're becoming too i was on drugs i was like i was i was on drugs i was in a bathroom in uh during a concert and i looked at my phone and i saw Tiny Wings. I was like, this is a waste of time. This occupies some part of my brain that it shouldn't. So at the same time, I deleted Tiny Wings. I texted you. I deleted Tiny Wings, which to me at the time was the most meaningful text I'd ever sent anyone. And I was like, aren't you at a concert on drugs right now why are you texting me immediately after that i

texted my girlfriend from high school and said we have to go back p.s i deleted tiny wings i'm the man you always wanted me to be it is so funny how he's like, he's mad at the game, but he still wants to play it. Saying that he's... Only problem is, I suck.

I'm bad as shit at it. This game's a bitch. So do I just delete this shit? Or become the world's greatest? Do I let this adversity push me? And then he becomes like this, this rags-to-riches story. Bags-to-bitches story.

Where he dominates this game that he considers awful. It was a funny question, but I think the advice is very straightforward. Delete the game. No good ever comes from having games. Delete the game? Delete the game. You can't look cool. You can't be good. Even if you get a high score, it's not impressive because it's just you Delete the game? Delete the game. You can't look cool. You can't be good.

Even if you get a high score, it's not impressive because it's just you getting a high score in a game. I think almost getting a high score is depressive. Yeah. It's adversely proportional. So the better you are, the worse of a human you become. I don't know. Is it cool to be good at video games?

Yes. Well, yeah. The answer to that question is no. I love the singular yes that came from the audience. Well, yeah. The answer to that question is no. I love the singular yes that came from the audience. Well, here it is. This is the graph. If you're bad at video games, you're cool because you don't play video games, obviously. And then the better you are, the better you are, the less cool you get.

And then at the way end, if you're like the best X player in the world, you're really cool. To who? I don't know. These guys seem to be into it. I think you have to be okay at video games. My advice is to not delete it. Don't delete it yet.

Get all right at it. Then delete it. And then you play it on your friend's phone one day and they're like, wow, you're pretty good. And you're like, oh, I don't give a fuck. I don't even have it on my phone.

And then everybody's like, you're cool. All of a sudden, your dick's getting sucked. You don't even have it on my phone. And then everybody's like, you're cool. All of a sudden, your dick's getting sucked. You don't even understand why. Yeah, I don't understand why. Of course. Yeah. All right. Cheers.

So do. How are we doing on time? We still got time. Let's go to the next question. You don't want to take a break? Should we take a break? Yeah. Jake's virginity!

Easy does it. For the uninformed in here, Jake has a very hidden, sordid virginity lost story. He told it once on a live podcast and we cut it out of the recording so people were very mad and I said, you know what, if you come to the live shows he'll tell you the virginity story. It wasn't my place to do it but I figured I'd

offer it up at the very least. Is that a deal you're willing to make? For me to exploit your personal history for the sake of drawing people out? I just, I would... I feel bad. If you guys promise not to say anything, can you not post it online?

At least this one dude in that v-neck promised. And man, I swear to God, I looked in your eyes and I know you meant it. So I'll tell the story. Alright. and I know you meant it. So let's, I'll tell the story. All right. But we got to start with absolute silence

because I'm going to cut it out. This is what people who are listening right now, this is the least favorite part of the podcast. Because I say, all right, cut it. We'll cut now.

This is not going to be recorded. And then I'm going to say, all right, we're back on. And everyone's just shell-shocked And they have no idea what happened So, what's your Virginia story? Before I tell it I just want to mention that you haven't I feel like you haven't touched your whiskey

And I don't want to put you on We're not putting you on a live blast right now Because we're not recording Though essentially we are live on stage So this is, I'm putting you on blast. I think you have to drink your whiskey. I'm sorry. I would appreciate it, yes, if you chugged it.

I'll drink it while you tell the story. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. I've never been peer pressured before. You can't! That was amazing. What else do you guys want me to be for me to be cool? I'll do anything. I'll embarrass myself. Do you want me to take my dick out?

Will that get applause? Yeah. Holy shit, of course. I'll save myself for this. Ah, this feeling. I'm save myself for this. Ah, this feeling. I'm cool for the first time ever. You did not finish the whiskey. Also, I saw you pour it into your mouth

and then back out into the glass. Furthermore, that's apple cider. I saw you with a treetop apple juice in your sleeve, sliding it out. It was actually very slick. Sled of hand wasn't present. Alright, let's hear how you fucked for the first time, you pervert.

And we're back! I want to one time come back from that and just be dead silent. Holy shit. And we're back! So the virginity story ended up walking the room. We are alone and we're just going to call it. That's the end of the

podcast. I think forever. That's it. We have six minutes left so let's get to one last question. Final question. We need one last name. Mike Bennett. Jill. Mike Bennett.

Michael Bennett. Michael Bennett, Jill. Which is an old NFL name. Did someone say that? Michael Bennett, Jill. Michael Bennett, Jill? Michael Benadryl. Michael Benadryl?

Oh, the Benadryl fortune. Of course. Oh, my God. This guy's going to make bank. Mr. Michael of the Benadryl fortune. You must never break out in allergies. All right. All right. This guy's gonna make bank. Mr. Michael of the Benadryl fortune. You must never break out in allergies. Alright. One really allergic person got that joke.

A human hive got that joke. Alright. Sup dudes. This weekend I'm going to the mountains with a couple of bros I was friends with from college and high school. It's been a while since we've gotten together, so no doubt it'll be a weekend full of hardcore drinking and debauchery. Did he write that? No, he didn't write the fart noise. Okay.

That being said, I can't help but remember the time in high school when my dad had show time. Every dude in here knows where that's going. Back in the early 2000s, I'm sure you guys remember how difficult porn was to come by. Cut straight to the three of us in my room masturbating.

I was on the bed, my two friends on either side of the bed on the floor, so it was totally not gay. Is this going to happen again this weekend? What can I do to have it not happen? And if it does, do I just go along with it? Thanks, guys. Love, Michael Benadryl. Dude, Michael, you made peace with it during the email.

He's already accepted that he's going to jerk off in front of his friends. He wants it to happen. Yeah, I think he secretly does. Nobody's thinking about that but him. Of course not. Hey, dudes, long time, no time. Lay on either side of my bed. It's actually the only way I can get off.

It's a balance thing. It's a feng shui of porn type thing. Have you ever masturbated with other people in the room? That's a question I want to ask you, because, I mean, of course I have. I don't mean like another girl. I mean another male friend. Right, of course.

Yeah, yeah. I've done that multiple times. Knowingly? What are you talking about? Knowingly. Source porn. Yeah, yeah. I've done that multiple times. Knowingly? What are you talking about? Source porn? Yeah. Notice how nobody's clapping? That's because a lot of people in this audience are young.

Who here is over 28 years old? So that dude knows exactly... I can't see because the light's too bright, but you know exactly what I'm talking about, right, dude? Scrambled porn? You jerked off with your buddy before, right? No. Who said no? That was not the same dude. Liar. That's Stacy's dad.

My name is Mark, and I am not... He's right. Porn was really hard to come by. I mean, we didn't even have a dad with a... Like, a subscription. Like, no, he jerked off to Scramble Vision. Mikey, you were there. You get it. Yo, Mike, it was me and ****.

You know what I'm saying? You remember that sunroom, though? Yeah, yeah, under those blankets. That's what I'm talking about. Jesus. We did that shit. Enough. My man's in the audience.

Dude, we fuck chicks now. But yeah, back in the day, we had no porn. So what did you do? Your libido's jacked up when you're 13. Your dick gets hard all the time. Mine was not. You never jerked off in front of other dudes? No. You never jerked off around another

guy? You never said excuse me to another dude that you were hanging out with? I gotta go rub one out? Never. Fuck off with that. But that's the difference between me and you. You had a sexual drive at age 13, 14, and 15 that I never had. Also, you have a sexual drive at age 16

till infinity that I won't have. But when you say... How often do you jerk off? I'd like to know. Enough. I think... You know what? I want to know. There's too many people

in this room that I respect and I'm not going to tell them I jerk off three to seven times a week. That's embarrassing. What? That's a lot. I love that about you. We can share everything now. Can you tell me really quickly a story

in which you jerked off with other people in the room? Yeah, multiple times. Sure. I went on an 8th room? Yeah, multiple. Sure. I went on an 8th grade field trip to D.C. We all had our own hotel room. Me too. Fucking like five other dudes. We're watching Real Sex on HBO. Everybody's like, hey, we should jerk off. And I said,

yeah, right. And then everyone's like, no, I'm seriously going to jerk off. And I was like, okay, dope, because I really want to jerk off. We all put towels over our dick. We shut the lights off. We waited until everybody finished and that was it. I like that you put towels only over your dick. Everyone knew what was going on. But like the smallest dish towel

pitching the smallest tent. People growing up now don't understand that like, you have your phone, that'll show you porn anytime you want. Look at this right here. I had a family computer that I had to sneak down to while my parents were asleep and it would turn on and it would go boom.

That was the sound of your boner getting hard. You still have a Pavlovian response. You're hard right now. Exactly. And then it dials up and it's like... And I'm like...

Which is the sound of you hugging my computer trying to make sure my dad doesn't fucking wake up. Oh, that's your problem. You should have hugged the modem. I didn't know at the time. I was hugging the tower.

And it was warm enough to make me fucking hard every single time. I prematurely ejaculated not once but twice. I want to know a story about you masturbating now. I think I shared and I think it's time for me to... A story about... Everybody in Claudia understands that I'm open on the podcast and you're a closed book.

A story about me masturbating? Yes. Um, gosh. Actually, you know what? I'm sorry. I'm open on the podcast and you're a closed book. A story about me masturbating? Yes. Gosh. Actually, you know what? I'm sorry. I want to know the most recent story of you. When was the last time you jerked off? This is a molestation. I know. Tell me

the last time you jerked off. It's unreal. I know. I guess earlier this week. No, that's too fucking late. I need an hour to... What day was it, and what site were you on, and what kind of video did you watch? Jesus Christ.

I want to know what you used, and I want to know what you came into. I don't even remember the fucking question at this point. Let's try to give this guy some really quick advice. We're out of time. No. It was on Monday or Tuesday? What day is it today?

It's Thursday. It was between Monday and Wednesday and I didn't use pornography. You... What? Thank you. See, so as old as I am that I jerked off in front of other dudes,

he's so old that he's down to do without porn. I was using a Sears catalog. Let's end on that joke. Thanks for coming, everybody. This podcast is being recorded and you can listen to it yourself at ifirewshow.com. You can also submit your own questions

at ifirewshow.com. Thanks so much to everybody for coming. We hope to do this again because this was so much so much fun so thank you guys for being here for our first show in Los Angeles good night If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Show.com. That's it. Another episode in the books. Thanks again to LegalZoom.com for sponsoring it.

Wills for $69. LLCs for $99 plus filing fees. Anything you need business-wise, check out LegalZoom.com. Remember, LegalZoom is not a law firm, but provides self-help services at your specific direction. If you can use discount code Jake or discount code Amir for more savings at LegalZoom, we'd really appreciate it. Thanks again, guys, and thanks to everyone who came out. It was fun.