Segments - 580: Kissing Cousins

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

In this episode we discuss driving alone, and building together. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. If I were you, I wouldn't trust what the doctors do. There are things that shrinks can't prove and there's truths that friends are too scared to tell you there's goals that help us won't take it sympathy your girl can't fake it foreskin woes your mama can't shake if I were you I'd be a Damn.

That had some edge to it. That was like Johnny Cash style. I thought it was like Flight of the Conchords, sort of like jokey. Really? Yeah. I thought that it was kind of like Walk the Line style. Yeah, like Dewey Cox. Yeah.

Like this guy murdered someone in cold blood and he's just walking away down a dirt road. I was thinking of like the parody of that. Right. That like John C. Reilly movie. Totally. I guess. Yeah. Probably more that. I guess it just John C. Reilly movie. Totally. I guess. Yeah. Probably more that.

I guess it just shows how secure I am in my masculinity. In my masculinity. I'm so secure in your masculinity and insecure in mine. That was written by Tib and Nib. Great. Again, these are theme songs that I'm searching in our old, old history. Yeah. That I hope we haven't used before.

But again, this is a great time to send your own. Right. Because we are, we're in need. Yes. We're scraping the bottom of the barrel. We're trying to do our best. We're getting through all of them. And then these are what I'm finding right now.

So if you have been sitting on an idea. Yeah. Now's your chance. Now's your chance. If I read a show at gmail.com. Okay. That was sent in, in, oh my God, 1998. gmail.com okay that was sent in in oh my god 1998 that was damn that was before i even met you pre pre pre pre gmail yeah pre us yeah it was sent to

my aol account i was a high schooler and sort of a mod on a message board yeah and i think i was in eighth grade yeah for original music wow i would go into these aol chat rooms and sort of like send me these mp3 files and you would choose and they would email them to you yeah the damn we've been doing this for a long time i forget what those were even called um that was yeah tib and nib send in by james tickle cool so namaste and thank you for that did they say anything to plug or was it so long ago that it was all this shit that doesn't even exist like plug this website that's yeah now defunct yeah this business that's gone away gone under and then a bunch of stuff about like pre-pandemic life if

you search his name it's just an obituary so he died at an old age yeah he was 119 amazing the world's oldest nun passed away recently it's actually a london-based bluesy soundtrack all the way from the right side of the pond cool speaking of pond i'm back in new york city or i should say i'm still in new york city yeah still in new york city still in the studio cooking up the sauce and you say that because it's really hot in here. Yeah. It is a stew in the room. The radiators are a very East Coast thing. That doesn't exist out West. Yeah.

I wonder why that is. I think it was an older, because the West is newer, a lot of houses are like run on electric heat out there. And what is this? Like the iron accordion. It's a steam heat. So there's a boiler downstairs that's hot water running through and that's that just boiling water through pipes that's what actually that's what i have in my house it's actually it's very it's a great source

of heat it's not super expensive it's nice and even it doesn't get too dry you'll notice your hotel room probably feels dry because it's got the hot air blowing yeah this is steam heat it's good so it's the problem is that it's too it's too good um or there's not a you can't be very specific about it yeah here's a lot of steam or here's no steam it's either off or on yeah and this is always on this yeah so like if you for instance in my house i have a little more control i can turn off an individual radiator i also control the thermostat. In this office, there's no thermostat. It's just the building starting like in November turns on the boiler and the radiators are on. And that's that. And do you know what is boiling and where?

Water. And it's in the basement. Interesting. So there's a giant vat of hot water boiling in the basement. Yeah. And it's sending that water or the steam from the water. Yeah. Through the pipes. Yeah. And then when you hear like the sound of a hammer or wrench against an iron pipe. Right.

I think Mike Comete explained it to us once. That's like the pipe itself expanding because of the steam that's going through it. Interesting. Yeah. And that just straight up only exists in the East Coast maybe because it's like an easy way to. Or like, I think it exists. I think it exists in places where there was like older infrastructure.

Yeah. And now in Los Angeles, how are we getting heat? You guys do like HVAC systems. It's those big like electric units sometimes they're like under your house or on your roof and they're blowing either hot or cold air and who knows how that happens that's not steam that's just yeah i think it pulls yeah i think it pulls air from outside and like runs it through either hot or cold pipes right or yes i think i don't know this is what we have to fucking if we're gonna start building our own like if we're pivoting

and building our own office buildings yeah that's the kind of shit we have if you and i are going to become builders and we are we're gonna this should be like the thing you're gonna be a general contractor and i'm gonna be a handyman we should say we're retiring the podcast in May. Right. 10-year anniversary. 10-year anniversary. We're trying to figure out the idea for our next podcast. Which is just to make a house. And then we were just like, why do we even have to do a podcast?

It's too hard. Yeah. We were like, it's too hard. Yeah. And we should just be like, why don't we just fucking, you know what? Why don't we just do something that we can just like do week to week a little bit easier? Yeah. like building a house that actually would be a good podcast for us or a show

that we jake and amir build a house we buy a plot of land a hundred by a hundred in fucking baker's field or some yeah just middle of nowhere and it's like build a house make me a house all right youtube first thing to do what is is it? Like foundation, I guess. And we have to like literally go piece by piece. That's a great idea. I would love that. And then like, I don't know, the wood frame seems to be an early thing.

Like you gotta cut wood and people build houses. We just have never done it. Right. We could, we should be able to do it. In theory. Cause other, the other people that build houses are humans just like us. Yeah. And they at one point didn't know.

I bet they weren't all like 40. Yeah. They were probably younger and more active. Yeah. But I mean, 40 is not, I'm also not 40. You know, 40 is still pretty young. Right. You can learn new things.

Right. Like even if I, if I bought a piece of land and i hired someone to build a house how many people would that be and like how long would it take them um i mean i kind of did it i it wasn't plot of land but i kind of tore my house down to the to the studs right we wouldn't even have the studs we have to put up studs sometimes that's even harder though they say yeah but anyway yeah it took about a year. A year. And it was more than two of them. I guess it took about like eight months. But that was a bigger building. I want to just build a one bedroom home. You want to build a studio house. And I built this house. It would be cool to say I built a house. Yeah. Do you have two floors or

one floor? Of course, just one. Just the one floor. You don't want to do stairs? No, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that i don't know how to even how would you be willing to do like ikea cabinets or you're like i don't even want to put together ikea cabinets oh interesting like yeah like how how uh custom like do i have to make the wood for the floor or like do we order floor and install it yeah we have to install it i think i would think that it's like we can order wood wood and you do you do the installation yeah it's not like because we're not i don't want to die season two is like we cut down the the tree right we plane the wood we sand the wood we treat the wood all right we but that's that's not even that's we have to first do like the frame in wood right yeah so well i mean it

depends in bakersfield, we might not even need to do, we wouldn't need to like dig a real like basement. We could probably do, you know, it needs a foundation, but it doesn't. You pour concrete, is that how it works? Right. Yeah, I think.

I mean, I would say. Soup to nuts. For us doing this thing, we're going to dig a dig a foot down yeah in the exact floor plan that we want so say the house is gonna be 20 by 20 yeah because it's just a studio i got it right here a quarter acre lot in bakersfield how much it's a big rectangle okay 26th King Street. Okay. It's $69,000. All right. So we buy this land. This land is your land.

Yeah. This land is my land. And then we do one foot down to the dirt. It looks like it's already down to the dirt. So then we pour concrete in that. So that's a nice little concrete foundation. Then we're going to need some rebar. Yeah. That's uh-huh yeah because sometimes i see just wood it's not even steel yeah yeah um i assume the plumbing is also part of it too we have to do pipes and welding

and stuff like that yeah yeah right you'd have to do that yeah that's why you would kind of need something that was already connected to the city, which this looks like it is. It's not like out there in the land. There's like, there's neighbors to the left and right of this. You can see this. It's a really nice. That's a good plot. That's a good plot.

That's a nice piece. That's a really nice piece, right? And then we can sell it to a fan at the end of it. This is the only house we built, the house that Jake and Amir built. Yeah. We'd have to live in Bakersfield for a year. Right.

Which is why I would kind of want to pitch you doing it in the cat skills interesting isn't that more of a weather related issue though like you could i would probably have to start in the spring it's not a big deal and then when it's like really steamy hot in the summer it might be hard to the welding and all that stuff that would work but that's you know that's just how you it's how you build character yeah and then when it gets cold do we continue or we sort of call yeah we get those like cool kind of like um you know those like jumpers the like the mechanic suit type thing and then we would do it in there yeah the winter on for the winter but i mean it as long as we can get it in there from the winter on. For the winter. But I mean, as long as we can get over the spring and the summer

and the early fall, we can get the walls up. Then I feel like during the winter, we're just doing like the electric. Yeah. That also seems hard, right? Like with wires and shit. That one seems the hardest because it's like... You might get burned. Yeah, you could electrocute yourself and die. Yeah. Everything else,

you could die, but you're more likely to be maimed. I feel like connecting our house to the power grid. Yeah, that's a dangerous episode or day. But also hammering wood and doing probably mechanical nail insertion. And who's to say this house will be made well? Yeah, it wouldn't necessarily. Is that legal to sell this house will be made well? Yeah, it wouldn't necessarily. Is that legal to sell a house that wasn't good? Like, do I have to have a license to do this stuff?

Oh, yeah. I think we would. Yeah. Yeah. Because you couldn't just like, anybody can't make a house and then sell it because then it wouldn't be good or it would collapse or something.

Yeah. Well, I think you need to, I'm sure you do need to be licensed, but I also think if you're building from scratch, you need to like file it. Yeah. The city. The city. Right.

And there's somebody in the city that will look at those plans and be like. We approve. Yeah. But that said, there is not necessarily anyone checking the work day to day. It's just like the threat of that may be happening. And in Bakersfield, there's probably less. So like, yeah, the plans could be approved. We build the house.

It won't pass inspection. No. But it will be built. We could live there. Yeah. We probably couldn't sell it. Maybe not. But then we could live there.

Or maybe you could sell it and in the disclosure, you say, this house is not connected to the sewer. This house is not connected to the electric. Because that's hard. You need jackhammer and all this stuff. It hasn't passed inspection. And, you know, they sell houses that are foreclosed. They sell houses that are pared down. They sell houses that are like.

I want it to be turnkey. It won't be. It won't be turnkey. We don't know how to do that. I want it to basically have a for sale sign and it it's moving ready we could do a container house something that's when you like buy it uh right so you buy the lab yeah you buy the land we do the foundation yeah which is just concrete yeah we do the bare minimum get somebody else then we have the the the um shipping container it arrives having had yeah but that's pre-assembled structure not totally that's that's the structure and then we build it from a kit interesting they make prefab

home kits what about an rv is that just a pivot just saying we get the land or not and we just buy a fucking sick ass rv that's turnkey yeah then you just plop it down and sell that as a house having had we got that for that plot yeah so we sell the plot plus i say connect the rv but you connect it to plumbing so you never have to like deal with the gray water you can shit into a real toilet that's really nice yeah so it's it's a it is still turnkey turnkey it's turn. So it's, it's a, it is still turnkey. Turnkey. It's turnkey. And it's an RV that will paint. It's an RV that's turnkey. It's a turnkey RV. Turnkey RV.

We'll rate, we'll fucking paint it red or whatever. I do think there's something in the prefab house. Jake and Amir build a house from a fucking instruction manual. Yeah. That's what all of the craftsman homes are. Or like ADUs. They're like,

we'll just ship you and you fucking plot it in. And then you build it like an Ikea dog house. And we rent, we rent we rent a fucking crane yeah i don't know how to do that part you know how to rent a crane you fucking call someone and then when if it's already pre-built then then do you have to do the um license licenses and like make sure you're an accredited builder of sorts or maybe i haven't looked into it we're talking about it right now but it would be turnkey it has to be turned it'd be turnkey yeah at the end of the day it would actually be turnkey so we buy a plot of land we and then we buy like a pre-built sort of adu there's even ones that they say to plop onto the

with a crane you don't have to build anything. They just drop it. That just costs more cash. Drop it like it's hot. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's no, ADU is basically an additional dwelling that you have on your property. Right. But there's no selling, oh, there's going to be a house here or not.

It could just be the ADU. That's true. It could just be the home office. It's the dwelling. It's the DU. We can get two if that makes you feel any better. That's true. Two ADU makes a two DU.

Right. And then we sell it ideally at a profit because I don't want to spend an entire year working on something and lose money. From my experience watching flip or flop, it's a really good business model. So if you think we buy this land for 69K, how much do you think the ADU is?

We buy the ADU 200K, but that's financed. Yeah. So that's 69K. How much do you think the ADU is? We buy the ADU 200K, but that's financed. That's not, yeah. So that's 400K. We're in the whole plus 69. Half a mil-ish, give or take. You probably want to leave some- Taxes and tip. If you want to tip a guy that breaks in.

Yeah. I think you want to leave something for incidentals. Like something breaks, that's going to happen. Yeah. Let's call it 600K. 600K all in. Okay. But then we sell it for two, 3 million.

Well, I'm looking at other houses in the area, just as comps. Comps, yeah. They're just a little bit above that 69K. That's interesting. So this house is 81,000. I think we take a bath on that but at the same time you need to have that experience

because you're building up your portfolio you're building up your reputation and you're not gonna sell a shitload you learn a shitload about yourself

and like the whole process yeah exactly so that next time when you do buy shit it's at a profit yeah so first and it is turnkey

it has to be turnkey and the weather is gonna be nice because it's bakersfield southern california that's true i'm just worried is all yeah that let's say someone comes in and raises our land basically scorch earth doesn't want us there yeah makes it inconvenient for us to build yeah they they make the soil ungrowable unsustainable to the point where the foundation isn't there anything it's a sinkhole right it's a sinkhole and we lose the adu and we lose the land it's burn key

burn the key they give me a liquid metal disc the whole thing was i sorry, I said it was burn key. Yeah. Yeah. So that's one idea for our pivot. Instead of podcasting. Yeah. We become builders. Yes. And salesmen.

Yes. Real estate agents of sorts. We'll call that plan A for now just because that's. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. We would lose half a million dollars and not waste but spend a year of our lives

in Bakersfield. Yeah. Enjoy Bakersfield for a year and learn a lot about ourselves. Yeah. Would you tell anyone

where we went? Or would you sort of turn your phone off? I think I'd ghost everyone. I would ghost the entire world. Ghost protocol.

Ghost protocol. They wouldn't know to look for me in Bakersfield unless they're listening to this episode. But thankfully, no one is. Yeah. Would you do anything social media wise or would you sort of hide yourself? I think I would do all black story post, say BRB. That's cool. Yeah.

And then that's basically your way of saying deuces goodbye i'm gone once a month all black story with the shh emoji yeah um oh and actually i have a different emoji every month so first one shh then second one jake emoji drop yeah um and like little do i know but someone's selling those in a fucking in a store or like a t-shirt yeah i'm actually making cash on the side how are you viral sensation phenomenon it's banksy meets missing milk carton style art it's it's performance yeah it's louis vuitton yeah it's louis's lunch it's marcel duchamp this is not a pipe style gotcha journalism slash art yeah to the point where you're just selling a toilet and people are talking about exactly exactly exactly that's really cool

avant-garde yeah meets um a bank account at v Yes, because that's how much it costs. Again, this is us just sort of freestyling. We haven't given it much thought. You've heard of Karl Lagerfeld? This is Karl Bakersfield. I actually haven't heard of the first one. Really? Yeah.

I see like a fashion icon. You've heard of the second one? Yeah, Bakersfield. Karl Bakersfield. Oh, no, not that. Yeah. I have only heard of Bakersfield. Okay, forget it. Okay, let's take a break, think some sponsors sponsors and really just marinate on that whole idea.

Yeah. And then we'll be back after these messages. Right on. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else

online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change,

but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we're back um all right let's try to answer some questions yeah we're not just general contractors anymore that's true we have

wisdom to dispense in addition to that yeah uh so this is from a guy who's training for a marathon nice you ran some marathons. Yeah. So we'll call him Steve Prefontaine. Cool. I've been training for a marathon that's coming up in the fall, right, Steve? Most days I will start my run by going on a path around a lake in Minneapolis, which has been heavily populated this summer due to the beautiful weather.

Love Minneapolis. Recently I've been seeing the same gorgeous girl jogging nearly every day going around a lake in the opposite direction as me so it's like yeah like that right every like yeah loop yeah passing right passing passing I everyone got it she's tan fit fast and a dime whenever I see her we make eye contact and smile but these interactions last a mere second before we pass. I would love to introduce myself to this girl and get to know her, but I have no idea how to go about doing this. Part of me thinks

she wouldn't be opposed to me talking to her because we smile every day. However, this is Minnesota. Everyone smiles at each other. Minnesota nice is a very real thing. Presenting an even bigger challenge is the fact that she runs with headphones in. Living in a big city,

it's unlikely that I will ever see this girl in a different context, so I feel like this could be my only option. Help me start a conversation with this girl that I see on average five seconds a day. Yeah. How do I smoothly say hi without stopping or making her turn off her headphones? Thank you,

and please come back to Minneapolis soon. Love, Steve. So you're running. You're running closer to her. You eat shit. Just like 10 or 15. Trip over your own two feet. Yeah.

Superman. Faceplant. Right onto the pavement. Front teeth. Gone. They are not chipped. What happened to her oh fuck i must have gotten tackled by the invisible bogeyman bleeding out of your mouth help me me. Oh, help me.

Are you a dentist? I'm an American. Water. Water. Collapsed trachea. Collapsed lung. Broken face. Scratched nose.

She kneels down. Oh, my God. Don't worry. My husband's a doctor. This is how I met your mother. Um. I think. What's wrong with a note? Passing a note? Like a baton.

I see you all the time. I just wanted to say hi without stopping you. Ball's in her court. She may read it. She she may not but at least you gave it a minimal effort or maybe it could be like the do you like me yes or no situation it makes such a it makes it makes for such an intense next run yeah or next loop right you got to give it on the good for the last two loops yeah I can I see how that's charming and that's cute, but I think that would almost make me feel like then every in a way ruins her run for a long time. Because now she'll be like, I don't want to, I'm not interested. But what do I, I have to like respond or I'm just going to keep on like seeing every single time.

Yeah. I mean, everything's a good idea if you're hot. Yeah. If you're hot, it's a great idea. This cute guy gave me a note. Oh my God, this is awesome. I have a crush. Versus this annoying dude who I think is stalking me

is now reaching out and I'm not interested. Yeah, and that's kind of the dichotomy that guys are supposed to live with, I think. Like you should always think that what you do can be perceived as hot or creepy. There's too many guys out there thinking that everything they do is hot. Yeah. And there's also too many guys thinking out there that everything they do is creepy.

Right. Because we get a lot of nice guys that are afraid to be confident. Correct. And then we get a lot of oblivious guys that don't realize they're being insane. Absolutely. But you have to consider both ends of the spectrum, especially when you're doing something like this. Which is why I think what you do is when you see her, you pull over to the side of the lake for a little stretch.

You're taking a break. And you wave and say hi. Escalate beyond just the nod. Escalate beyond the smile. A friendly hello. And kind of use your body language to open up you can right your teeth are chipped you have no front teeth where are you going just start chasing yeah oh that'd be interesting you start running the other way but that's creepy i think unless you start running the other way, that is, you are, oh, you start chasing her.

Chasing her. Yeah, that's not what you want. But then you hear some stories at like weddings, like, yeah, and then he had to chase me. Yeah. Like an hour in love. I don't think they mean physically like that. Really? I would, I do the pullover, the stretch, open body language, the hello, and maybe even like,

hey, how's your day going? How's your run? Or something like that. Interesting. So if she's like, you you know what i've been like waiting for this guy to talk to me i'll stop and chat or she doesn't give you anything and she just does the the run you know the the smile yeah it might just be like it's nice to see a friendly face on the run yeah or mm-hmm t-shirt message running with a jacket on I love actually style I love you will you run for me I'm running for you yeah job have you are you tired cuz you're jogging through my house I'm gonna talk about you're both running and you're training for a marathon Oh Like, hey, how's it going?

Are you training for this marathon? You know, like, are you training for anything? Do you get a runner's high? Because I'm a runner. And I say hi. Could be another cute thing to write on the card. After you chip your teeth and you're falling down. After I'm an American.

After will you save me? Yeah, it feels like there's enough to talk about that you can actually start a conversation and just seemingly be friendly right because like the note is like open it's like first first time you speak is i'm attracted to you yeah i'm interested in you in a sexual way the other one is just like if if it doesn't seem like the vibes are there you're still only just talking and everyone is allowed to talk to each other it's legal it's legal what is it is it that could be the good question for the note is it illegal to talk uh it's huh um yeah you are like i'm talking to you how's your run run? Are you training for anything? And if she doesn't give you a lot, then you'll know she's not interested.

Interesting. Versus here is my opening gambit is will you go on a date with me and you have to reject me before you even hear what I'm about? Yeah. I do like the general idea of putting yourself out there to a very light extent. Yeah. One, you can't get rejected, really. Right. Because you're just saying hello.

Yeah. And the other one is, you know, you don't want to put her in a situation where now she has to address you instead of go for a run. Don't ruin her run. But I don't think that saying hello and asking how her run is going is ruining the run. No. But she'll give you a signal that continuing down this line Of course. will ruin my run going forward.

Yeah. And then you stop. But it sounds like this person is pretty courteous already. Yeah. So I don't think you necessarily need this much advice. It would be sad to give her a note.

She then stops running. Yeah. Gets into a car and drives away. And the weather's been great. It's a nice run you ruined her lake yeah you ruined the lake for her yeah yeah you don't want that to happen don't ruin a lake for someone right but you know the end of the marathon will mean the end of your training so

clock is ticking yeah unless he loves to run um okay let us know how that goes. I'm curious. Yeah. It is hard to do. Another example of this is like cute girl at the gym. Yeah. It's an impossible situation because you don't want to make the gym a weird place. You see videos of like I'm constantly getting hit on at the gym. I'm just there to work out.

Yeah, definitely. This is kind of a gym situation. Kind of. I get that all the time. Whenever I used to go work out, I get fitness models coming up to me. It's like, I'm just here to work out too. I don't know any more than this person, place, or thing. What gym were you working out at?

Me? Yeah. I did this like weird like prison gym style place. And the fitness models that would go there? They wouldn't go there. They would be like doing like private like

Pilates style classes. And they would talk to you? They were. Okay. I was doing like valet. So I'd park their cars. And they'd be like. And working out in between. Not really working out.

I would just sort of park their cars. And then they'd be like, hey, have you seen my Volvo? Do you know where my car is? You worked at like an Equinox or something. Yeah. Sort of a place that was a little bit more bougie. And I would sort of... And you would park the cars.

I would park their cars and they would yell, or they would ask me like little questions like, hey, where's my car? Have you seen my husband's? Whatever. You would lose their cars. You said people would hit on you when you were at the gym. Then I found out you did a prison style workout in a parking...

Excuse me, why are you checking out? Because when it's a story about your life, you're already like sort of over it and bored. But yeah, then what? I'm just saying you lied to me. You lied to me. It sounds like you were a bad valet. I was a bad valet near a gym.

And I would get like all these ladies. I would get ladies talking to me, asking me questions all the time. But not like- Not like workout tips. No. And not talking to me, asking me questions all the time. But not like. Not like workout tips. No. And not even questions like, what are you into? Yeah.

Not like, not like good questions. Cause it sounds like you lost a lot of people's cars. Yeah. Yeah. It would be like. Where's my car? Where the fuck, where the fuck is my car? Yeah.

Cause I would, I would answer in coy ways and they would not have the time for it. That's a cool way that like you, you know, that's a good way to guarantee like girls will talk to you. Get a job as a valet. Yeah. Lose their car. They have to ask. They won't stop talking to you because you'll have lost their fucking car. Where's my fucking car?

Yeah. Can I talk to your manager? These are all questions that you could turn into like fun flirtations conversations you want to get a hot woman to not leave you alone yeah steal her car no this is such bad advice you shouldn't even make the joke do not actually become a valet we should say don't really become a valet yeah and now i'm sort of starting to second guess the spilling in front of her and the note leaving as well. Yeah. Leave everybody alone.

We're out of the game. But no, I think, I mean, people, it's a nice way to meet somebody in the wild. I do, I like the idea that people can meet while they're doing something that they love. And that's, it's romantic and it's nice. And I hope that it happens. Thank you. And I hope it happens for you guys. Thank you. I actually needed to hear that

because the valet shit has not been going well. Yeah. It sounds like you lost a lot of cars. Yeah. I can't believe, how many cars did you end up losing? Four. As many.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not legally supposed to say the number. Right. Four. If you're watching on YouTube, I held up four fingers. Yeah. Four'm not legally supposed to say the number. Right. Four. If you're watching on YouTube, I held up. Four fingers. Yeah.

Four finger discount. Okay, let's take another break, answer some more questions after these messages. Yeah. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o! DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Here's an interesting one from a 29-year-old female from San Antonio. Nice. I feel like we've never been to San Antonio.

I've been to San Antonio. When? I was driving across the country and I stopped in San Antonio. Wow. I went to a Hooters there. Really? Yes, by myself. Interesting. I went to a Hooters there. Really? Yes, by myself.

Interesting. That's right. How was it? I met my soulmate. It was sad for me. How were the wings? The food was not good. I had a beer.

That's cool. I kind of had, I was like in my 20s. I was driving across the country by myself. I had this vision that I would, like the women of Hooters would ask me what I was doing and I'd tell them that I was driving across the country and everyone would think I was so interesting. Jack Kerouac style. Yeah, that I'd make a lot of friends. But what ended up happening was that I went to Hooters. No one talked to me. I sat at the bar.

So do I just tell you chicken wings or how does that work? And they were friendly. What, I finished my wings, finished my beer, and then I left. Any sides or was it just sort of a... I think I got a side of fries, chicken wings and fries. That's cool. And a pale ale. Oh, that's nice.

Time of day? It was around 7 or 8 p.m. Wow, late. Yeah, late. And then you're on the road again. No, I slept in San Antonio because I was expecting to... Make a friend. Yeah.

But I didn't. I talked the bartender's ear off. I'm actually not allowed in Hooters anymore. Not to San Antonio either. You know how fucked up you have to be to be kicked out of a Hooters? I tried that fall down and chip your teeth thing. On the way to the bathroom. That's my move.

All right. This 29-year-old female who we'll call Heather writes, I've always been single and I've never had an interest in dating. I've always known that I don't want children, especially since leaving college. I've been very self-assured that I'm happy as is without a partner.

Okay. I have great relationships with friends and family. I have a great job. I'm a new homeowner. Here's my problem. What do I call myself? Every time I say single, I feel like I'm a new homeowner. Here's my problem. What do I call myself? Every time I say single, I feel like I'm implying

that I'd rather not be single. Other terms I've heard sound too negative, too sad, or flat out sarcastic, such as single and not looking, self-partnered, consciously single,

single by choice. People in my life are understanding and accept it. But I struggled with finding the right words to succinctly express that I'm single and it's my permanent status, not a phase. It's intentional and I'm not sad or bitter. Wow. I love it. Do either of you know anyone with a similar status and how do they define themselves when the people ask if they're married or in a relationship? Oh, I don't know if I do know anybody with that status. Yeah, I know people who are single and don't want to be.

Yeah, mostly I do too. Most of the single people I know are looking or at the very least single and like actively dating. So they probably want to put single out there. Yeah. You know, not like single and happy consciously single single and good is pretty that's right simple i'm dracula dead and loving it um or what if you say like instead of like a single you just say uh unattached oh that's good

no i'm not attached to anybody yeah but then, it lacks the implying that she's purposefully doing so. How about free? On purpose. Yeah. I'm free. I have no obligations. I'm not. I have no.

Socially obligated to be with. Yeah. Nor do I wish to be with anybody. Unencumbered. Yeah. I'm a, I'm a free spirit. Oh, free agent. Free agent, though, implies that.

That you're looking for a team. Yeah. Although what's necessarily bad about that? If she says I'm single, what is she afraid of that somebody will think that she's? That someone could kind of be like, oh, that means you're lonely. But I think, I guess to that point,

that preempting that almost makes it sound like you're being defensive, right? You can let somebody like, I feel like take it back, just be like, yeah, I'm single. And if it was like, Oh, do you like you are looking for a partner? It's like, no. Yeah, I'm not. Like, let them let them come at you with your assumptions and then shoot them down. But maybe you're non-confrontational and you just don't, that's probably what I would do too. I think I would just be like single and happy about it. Yeah, I'm single but joyous to be that way.

Happily single? Yeah. Happily single is pretty good. I recently broke up. Yeah. That way they don't ask any more questions. Right. Nobody wants to hear that noise yeah it was

pretty nasty actually where are you going i'm in the middle of a bitter divorce i'm in a conscious uncoupling with a friend of mine i yeah i think that just you could say single and smile i'm single gladly start shaking with rage i'm glad to be here not having had any relationship i mean she's still probably looking for friendship she has friends she has family yeah great relationship with both yeah she has a great job and is a new homeowner. Right. I think happily single is what I'd say. I'm single happily. Yeah.

Happily single. Consciously single is not bad. She referenced that one and said it was kind of sad. Consciously single does kind of sound like a little bit like stale to me. Consciously single is like i've given up on everybody and i've decided to be alone yeah happily single is like this is my thing this is what i'm into yeah doesn't sound too bad because you can pretty much do whatever you want for the rest of your life until you die single and loving it yeah but that also kind of sounds like you're just

fucking a lot which maybe you you are. Which is cool. Does happily single imply that she's not? Right. Well, not looking for a permanent partner, but maybe still looking to get a freak on. Yeah. Get your freak on. Get your freak on. Actually, I have a few friends that I should probably recommend this to.

Really? Yeah. People who are in relationships, but I think both sides. They'd be happier. Yeah. Or you'd be happier if they were single. Consciously single, yeah.

Happily single. Yeah. Like I have my aunt and uncle. Siggy? He's my cousin and you know that. And he married a saint, my other cousin. I see. Not that they were cousins.

Right. But he became my cousin. I see. When he married into the family. I didn't realize he was your cousin. Yeah. Well, isn't it a cousin if they married your cousin? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like kind of fucked up to think. Not really. Every cousin is a kissing cousin. Yeah, that's not how it works.

Because they're kissing. They become your cousin. Yeah. It's not like. Like, think about your cousin and who they marry. Those are two of your cousins just fucking each other, quite frankly. It's disgusting. It's not like that at all.

It is like that. It's not like that. Because they're not each other's cousins. They're my cousins. No, they're technically brother and sister. Legally. Because you're like, I other's cousins. They're technically brother and sister. Legally. Because you're like, I have two cousins. Okay.

That's fair. You can say that, right? Yeah. You don't specify anything else and they fuck each other. True? Look into the camera and say, I have two cousins that fuck each other. And then say their name.

Because that's all true. That's all correct. It's missing so much context. Yes. Yes, it is. But it's otherwise correct. You're trying to back me into a corner to say this thing that you think that you could... I'll even take it one further.

I have two cousins. Yeah. This is their names. They fuck each other. You want me to say that they had a baby and the baby's my cousin too and they kissed the baby all normal they kiss my other cousin yeah i have two cousins that fuck and they made another cousin of mine and they kiss each other because even if you just describing a family yeah but in an interesting way i'm saying that

like that's not interesting it's hateful why did you why did you get here why are you here suggesting this you're 40 listen if we're gonna do the you you're 40 thing all my shit's gonna be fucked up like nothing i say is right for that age yeah i'm especially this yeah especially this maybe if i was 29 like this person yeah consciously single consciously single happily single single and loving it yeah let us know how that one goes happily single that's right uh okay let's happily become single ourselves and stop talking to each other i'm into that for the day or forever i think forever now good stuff because the whole thing about your kissing cousins kind of freaked me out.

I feel like this is, that's a good name for our GC company, general contracting, our home building enterprise. Kissing Cousins. With two Ks. Yeah. Yeah. And it's me and you on the back of like a van. Right. Necking.

We're both in Kirk Cousins jerseys. That's perfect. Yeah. Oh, it's Kirk Cousins and DeMarcus Cousins kissing. Yeah, and they're cousins. And it's kissing Cousins' home building. Is there an amount of money we could pay Kirk or DeMarcus to kiss the other person as a logo for a company?

I mean, a billion dollars? Yeah, there's an amount that we could pay them for sure. Yeah. I just don't know if we'd ever make it back with the Bakersfield thing. Because as we discussed, the flipping houses was not. That would be the issue. Yeah.

I think there's a number they'd accept, but us acquiring it and getting it to them would be impossible. And to be able, we reserve the right to use the image. Right. As licensing. In perpetuity. It becomes our IP.

And retroactively, all the game footage of yours belongs. All your base are belong to us. Jersey sales. All your base layers are belong to us. Even the Under Armour you wore under your jersey are belong to us. All right. So be on the lookout for that too. Yeah. And if you have your own questions or theme songs,

send them on down to ifireashow at gmail.com. That's correct. Running low, need more, send them now. Want them. Now. And for more of us, you can watch us on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. We're checking out classic Jake and Amir episodes.

Damn right. And just laughing and laughing or crying because they're not really our speed anymore. Yeah, definitely. That's happened too. And we'll be back, of course, next Monday.

See y'all in Bakersfield. See y'all online. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. Namaste. Bye. If I were you, I wouldn't trust what the

doctors do. There are things that shrinks can't prove And there's truths that friends are too scared to tell you There's goals that helpers won't take And sympathy your girl can't fake And foreskin woes your mama can't shake If I were you I'd be a millionaire and Jake If I were you I'd be a millionaire and Jake That was a Hiddem original.

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