Segments - 583: Monopoly

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

In this episode we discuss secret families, rich tarot card readers, and getting milked. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Can you help me please? I need to seize the cheese. To win the golden mic is what I want.

Jake is on a streak. A golden mic each week. He's chuffed and cheesed, but every time he flaunts. Sometimes Jake gives himself the mic And even though I try and try

I'm just a chipmunk man With a turdy in my hand Am I a golden boy or am I shit? I hid all of my nuts Inside my chipmunk butt Because I've had enough turdies in my life Drake is called the pinch He is a diva binge

He wins each week while Tucker's fucking his wife. I know that if I ask for it, Jake will award me a trophy, shit. I guess I'll go to hell. You can call me a Miss L'Oreal. Am I a golden boy or am I sick? Sick song. Yeah.

It did bring up a good point that I feel like I always give myself the golden mic. Yes. And you never have awarded it to me. It's a little selfish that you've never given it to me, but I always have to give it to me it's a little selfish that you've never given it to me but i always have to give it to me it's a little selfish of me that you always give yourself a trophy and i get a piece of shit a clump of doo-doo it'd be nice to be recognized by for my work for my effort for my you know for my achievements in podcasting by you instead of just by me every single week. Yeah.

It's a little one-sided. It's extremely one-sided. And it doesn't feel great is what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. We agree. It is a little one-sided and it doesn't feel great. It doesn't feel great.

Yeah. But are you okay? No. It doesn't feel great. Honestly, it doesn't feel great yeah but are you okay no doesn't feel great honestly doesn't feel great okay uh yeah anyway um that was uh to the tune of what is it basket case yeah green day basket case great song uh inspired by amir's quest to win the golden mic i'd love that was actually only half of it really so we'll play the other half at the end. We'll play the full song. If you guys can plug my podcast, The Howling Salt Mine,

it's a Magic the Gathering podcast where we read stories from our listeners and from Reddit about players getting salty, and we offer advice on how to handle their salty situations. Cool. We have special guests, a salty card of the week, and a killer theme song. Find us on Spotify. Okay. Thank you for playing my magnum opus and shout out to my friend maddie who's listening right now and probably just as stoked as i am to hear this song shout out to maddie damn they ever played magic

the gathering uh yes kind of i we went to when natapod had our first show in Seattle, we went to the Wizards of the Coast office. And they own Dungeons & Dragons and Magic the Gathering, which before I played D&D, I thought they were the same thing. And we played a bunch of games of Magic, but I didn't really understand it. And I ended up just kind of like holding the cards and playing an open hand with the other guys in Murph telling me which cards to play. It seems like I could get into it, but also I don't think the cards don't appeal to me. Interesting. I like the freedom of, you know, theater of the mind in D&D. Did you ever play poker and stuff like in high school and college?

Did you ever get into that? No, never got into it. I played before. It doesn't do anything for me interesting yeah did you ever play Monopoly growing up yeah yeah yeah what is there's cards involved in that right little properties that you can buy yeah and are you trying to like do some kind of gotcha journalism I gotta figure I didn to figure it out. I didn't say I liked Monopoly. I just said I played it. You're saying.

You said you loved it growing up. No. I'm just wondering why that is. I said, did you ever play growing up? And I said, yeah. I bet you were the banker, weren't you? Not always, no. Sometimes I bet.

Yeah. You said. So here's where I am with you. Just psychoanalyzing this shit. Right. Don't think you're anywhere, but go ahead. For whatever reason, you don't like magic. You don't quite get the rules of poker or something.

And nobody ever explained it to you. You're not good at this. You keep on guessing wrong. I correct you. Then you kind of backtrack and make it seem like that was your guess the first time, right? You're a Scorpio or an Aries or something? No, a Leo. A Leo?

Yeah. Don't nod and say a Leo. Yeah.o a leo yeah which is not in say a leo yeah like you said it i was gonna say you guessed twice wrong yeah scorpio and aries fire signs i'm a cancer yes you are all right wait what is your sign sagittarius no capricorn that's right that's right yeah i knew i would get along with a Capricorn. One day. One day. You just didn't know it would be like this.

We're back together in LA though versus New York. It feels good. I like recording together in the stude. Yeah. None of this Zoom shit anymore. I'm done with Zoom. 2023 is the year I go Zoom-less. I actually have Zoom fatigue.

Yeah, for real. So I've been using Google Hangouts, Skype. FaceTime, old school. Yeah, Microsoft Office Exchange. I have very specific Cisco WebEx blue jeans. Yeah.

I feel bad for those other... Skype was there the whole time. I don't know why we just gave up on it right when the pandemic started. Yeah, I don they didn't make it easy enough that was the thing i feel like half of using skype was always like are you on skype i'm trying to call you yeah and the biggest thing about skype was the uh the ringtone they had like a proprietary ringtone yeah yeah it's the sound of being in a long distance relationship for me yeah it was you and jill right uh so i was in a couple different relationship for me yeah it was you and jill right uh i was in a couple different long distance relationships um that was why i always said they didn't work

but me and jill's worked yeah and you and when you were playing monopoly was it ever like that did it ever feel like a long distance relationship look why do you think you craved that sort of what do you space why are you trying to tie it back to Monopoly? Because I did say it was not a big part of my life. Don't try to weave the story together. You don't know shit. I just find you as someone that's constantly like... Don't study me. Don't study me.

Stop trying to psychoanalyze me. I guess I'm trying to make it either one, get to a point where I'm kind of a fortune teller of sorts. Yeah. Yeah. Like a tarot reader or something. We should get you tarot cards. Yeah.

That'd be, I would, I'd love for you to do my tarot reading. I think Allie has a book. Really? Yeah. Cause a lot of tarot reading is just like you do, you learn how to do the cards,

right? And then you just flip to a page in a book and you say what the cards say. And like being a good tarot reader is just knowing what's in the book and kind of doing your own, you know, putting your own spin on it. Yes, exactly. But a dummy could do it. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah. If I'm a dummy and I could do it, I can be like, I can't do anything good, but I can always be like a funny this.

Right. So it's like, I'm not a good tarot card reader, but I'm a funny tarot card reader. Yeah. I'm not a good teacher, but I'm a funny teacher. That's a good pivot for you. I feel like I see a lot of rich tarot card reader. Yeah. I'm not a good teacher, but I'm a funny teacher. That's a good pivot for you. I feel like I see a lot of rich tarot card readers. Like, they're loaded. Just like filthy rich tarot card readers.

Really? Yeah. Guys with yachts. And they're doing tarot. They're doing tarot. Whoa, where'd you get? There's a famous TikTok guy where it's like, when you drive up to him in a Porsche,

like, where'd you get your car? What'd he do for a living? Right. It's like, this is a Lamborghini fucking Countach 1988. What do you do for a living? Right. It's like, this is a Lamborghini fucking Countach 1988. What do you do for a living? It's a $500,000 car. What do you do for a living?

Tarot. I read tarot cards. Driving into a pole. How dope is that? Hopping a curb. I eat tarot chips. For a living? My dad was hit by a curb. I eat taro chips. For a living? My dad was hit by

a train. I actually don't know how to drive stick. Release the clutch. Fuck me. Italian cars. Okay. okay we got some real questions to get through uh people are complaining we don't get to enough questions i say they're right fuck us here we go okay let's do it my best friend has no filter

and tells me way too much is the subject of this question. It's a 30-year-old French-Canadian girl from Montreal, so we'll call her Daisy. Daisy. Daisy Duck. Nice, Daisy Duck. I'll get to the point. I'm a 30-year-old French-Canadian girl from Montreal. My best friend of more than 50.

My mom was a French-Canadian queen, right? That's a Jacob and Pierre. Yeah. And my dad was an army rat. Army rat, yeah. Yeah. Dishonorably discharged. For going AWOL on a bunch of different troops in Vietnam.

Or maybe just one. He was a Benedict Cumberbatch slash Arnold. This lady says, my best friend of more than 15 years has no filter, but to the point that it's problematic. I know everything about her and her boyfriend's sex life or lack thereof relationship problems how he lost eight thousand dollars on bitcoins without telling her and how she would like to have an open relationship because she finds the sex boring but he doesn't want to and so much more i feel bad that i know all this stuff how can I tell her to be more careful with what she shares and that some things should be kept private to preserve intimacy?

I don't want her to feel bad or to feel like she can't talk to me anymore. P.S. I found out about your podcast when I came to your Montreal show. Since then, I've been listening to one episode a day from the newest to the oldest. Wow. I feel like I'm going back in time. That's interesting. That's right uh do you have any

friends that overshare tell you too much about their sex life or are they sort of private in that regard i don't know i part of me almost thinks that's like what friends are like you tell them about private things yeah yeah That's kind of the point. I, yeah, I can't really, I understand everybody is different. Like maybe this person's like, I wouldn't say all this stuff about my partner because I wouldn't want my friends to think about them in this light.

Yeah. But maybe your friend is like, I don't care what you think about my partner because you're my friend and I need this kind of intimacy with you. Right. You know? Can you not tell me about everything?

Like, can you say that to a friend? That's interesting, but don't tell me how much money he lost on Bitcoins. Yeah. It'll make me feel weird around him. It's like, well, you don't really have to hang out with him and I don't care how you feel about him. You're my friend. That's what I would, that's how I think about it. Which is what if I have friends that tell me things about

their partners that make me feel a certain way about their partners but that's what being a good friend is you know I don't need to be like have you ever said to somebody that's TMI no I love I mean I I also I'm a very open person and I like getting deep I like kind of a gossipy little rat queen no no I'm not gossip. I'm a lockbox, actually. I learn a lot of secrets. I learn a lot of secrets and I don't talk about them at all with anybody.

I'll tell you a couple right now that you've never heard before. That's how you fucking know. We're on a podcast. I'll tell you as soon as this is over. What's an example of just to whet my appetite? Dave Rosenberg shits his pants every single day. So that was on purpose. I'll tell you as soon as this is over. What's an example of just like, just to wet my appetite? Okay. Dave Rosenberg shits his pants every single day.

So that was on purpose. To wake up. That was the full secret. Right. That was the entire one. I meant like, give me like a little taste. Like something to wet our appetite. Okay.

Jeff Rosenberg, my other best friend, eats his own hair. Don't say eats his own hair. Just say like he does something kind of crazy. Oh, Jeff. Okay. Jeff does something that he thinks is normal, but other people might think is like a little gross to eat your own hair. Yeah.

But you're saying it. You're. Yeah. Because now I'm kind of worried about all the stuff I told you, because it seems like you're very, very open and forthright with the secrets. Your secret family. Yeah.

No, don't. Yeah. That's what, but that's another thing where I'm like, yeah, you have a wife and two kids in Kansas City. Go Chiefs! Yes.

I'm the third Kelsey brother, actually. That's good. Yeah. You kind of look like you could be the third Kelsey brother. The one that's the- Travis. The sports agent. Yeah.

I wonder if there is a third one. There's always a third one that's like not that good at whatever. Yeah, yeah. Like the third man brother. Oh, yeah. Cooper Manning? Yeah. I wonder if there is a third one. There's always a third one that's not that good at whatever. Yeah, yeah. Like the third Manning brother. Yeah, Cooper Manning? Yeah, the oldest one. Right.

Yeah, what is it? Travis and who's the Eagles Kelsey? Eric? Something Kelsey. Yeah. Travis and Troy. It should be. Kelsey brothers.

Let's see if there's a third Kelsey brother. I think they have a podcast, the Kelsey brothers. They do. Yeah. That's pretty good. Jason Kelsey. God, can you imagine that podcast episode? We're both in the Superbowl. That would never happen to us because you're not that good at football. Right. Neither are you, but sure. I can find my way onto a 53 man roster, but it would never be both of us. Yeah. You think you could find my way onto a 53-man roster, but it would never be both of us. Yeah. You think you could find your way onto a 53-man roster that's going to make it to the Super Bowl? Yeah, if I'm like a backup. Yeah, but if I'm a backup like strong safety or something.

Right. Or a lockdown corner. I guess you at least know the positions and I don't. Right. So you're closer than me. Yeah. Or I could be a long snapper. I think I'm a better athlete than you though.

Really? Yeah. I guess how do you define athleticism? Strength, endurance, power. Yeah. How would you define it? Someone who can figure like how shit works. Like if somebody explained to me the rules of a game, I wouldn't like be like, oh, wait, what'd you say?

Right. That's athletic. I would just be like, okay, I got it. I'm on the same page. Wow. You just broke your finger snapping. I cracked my knuckle in 12 places. All right.

I should actually say that this is, if I were you, the only advice podcast Did you not say that? Yeah. Wow. That's a charity bud. That's a charity bud.

Why? You introduced the show. I'm introducing it now. I remember it. Almost as the first act ends. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't remember that.

I didn't say it at all. It's kind of your job. It's kind of your job. And so if I have the tourney, does that mean you have the golden mic or is that? Well, let's see. It's all up for grabs. I really like, I would like you to give it to me. Because I feel like it's very lopsided, very one-sided, very everything on me all the time.

Everything, anywhere, all at once the time. Yeah, exactly. I don't feel comfortable giving you a trophy or a reward for your behavior. Because it feels like it's kind of nasty. Let's see if I can earn it in the next act. Okay. Let's take a break. Thanks, sponsors.

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Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the fight! Mom, I'm coming!

That was gross. I don't think I do. Do you? I haven't done this yet, but it feels like something we would have endorsed, because I keep seeing people doing it interesting which is the morning cold plunge wow yeah pile was telling me that he does it yep goes out into his jacuzzi takes a freezing cold ice bath 30 to 60 seconds yeah and since then

i've been hearing more and more about people doing it to start their day. Yeah. I actually have not like actually like read anything about the benefits, but I just I feel them when I do the cold plunge. So I don't know like what the science is that's backing it, but it seems legit. Yeah. I feel really great whenever I do a cold plunge. I took a cold shower. I've been like usually at the end of my shower is just taking a freezing cold shower for the last 30 seconds. Just like just something to burn slash wake you up. Yeah. It's not enough. I would much rather have the cold plunge.

Oh, I did one on – geez, what day was it? Thursday? Friday? I went surfing with Micah. And when it was over, we took off our wetsuits and ran into the ocean. It was like one last cold dip. Yeah. And that was February 9th.

Yeah. Paul's been doing this through the winter. That's like a morning part of his morning routine. He's chiseling ice off of his hot tub. I guess it's a cold tub now. Yeah. But yeah. I'm also considering buying a cold plunge for my backyard.

Is it just a tub that you can fill it with water? There are different ones. There's one that's just a tub that you fill with water and that you can basically dump ice in. There's others that come with the freezing device thing that keeps them cooler. You have a great yard for it. You should totally do it. You should have a hot tub and a cold plunge. Oh yeah.

So you just go back and forth between the two. And there's also like, that's the sauna and the cold plunge. That would, that would set me up real nice. A lot of, a lot of buzz about the infrared sauna too. Yeah.

Infrared's not for me because I like the steam coming off the rocks. I don't want, the infrared is a little too dry. Yeah, that's a steam room. No, there's, well, there's a steam room that is constantly blowing hot steam and it's kind of super foggy. Is that the one with the rocks that you pour

water on? No, the steam room almost looks like a shower and there's just constant steam coming out. Wetness. Yeah, wetness. Then there's the sauna where the rocks get hot and you pour water on. It's like wood. Yeah. That doesn't fill with steam necessarily. It's like wood. Yeah. That doesn't like fill with steam necessarily. It's a drier heat.

Drier heat. And then infrared is like a little wetness. Yeah. It's like red light. Yeah, exactly. Too dry. Why is that a new hotness? I think they're less expensive.

They're maybe easier to maintain. Right. It's like just like this and electric. Yeah. It's just a little toaster. It's like a little toaster oven. Yeah. But you should, I'll send you, I'll send you the guys that built my sauna.

You should do sauna, cold punch in your backyard. No reason not to. A constant state of hot to cold. Yeah. What is it that appeals to you about it? Because you're not somebody that likes being uncomfortable. No, I don't. I don't want to do it.

I don't want to, I don't want to have this as part of my routine. I don't like being cold. I'm like cold blooded. Whenever it's like a little bit too cold in the room. I feel physically uncomfortable. Yeah. But the idea of just like getting a shot of something natural to wake yourself up in the morning. Yeah, for sure. But I haven't, um, I haven't loved it to the point of actually trying it yet. All right. Well, I think I'm going to get one in my yard so you can at least try it when you're when you're in new york yeah but then do you then just get into a hot shower after

um or does that defeat the purpose i think i i don't know i think i guess i i would have to look it up but also like when i've done it before i do not just get into a hot shower afterwards. Right. You stay cold. Yeah. You warm up when you dry off and you put your clothes on or something. I would almost do it after. I think I'd do it after the sauna, jump in the cold plunge, dry off. You make some coffee. You still shower, but it's not like you don't shower to get warm immediately. What if instead of a hot sauna, cold plunge, it's just the room that's like 72 and then you go into

another room that's like 68? I feel like that would be comfortable, but it doesn't have any health benefits. Interesting. Yeah. But it doesn't also have any health negative associations either. Yeah. So you'd have to weigh how good the health benefits are of the cold plunge versus how comfortable it is to just sit there with your VR goggles and your fleshlight and it's 69 degrees all the time.

Because you're watching someone 69. Yeah, exactly. All right, here's a question called friends bail on joint Airbnb. Great. I want to start off by saying I do think I am overreacting, but I'm also very cautious with money. So I don't think I'm too crazy for being upset about this situation. We'll call this guy. I don't know. Neurotic Nick. Nice. So a

group of friends about seven of us for my master's degree decided to meet in Rotterdam for a weekend to hang out and party. Didn't we almost go to Rotterdam? It's like next to Amsterdam, but not Amsterdam. Yeah, yeah. North of Amsterdam? We graduated four years ago, and we all live in the Netherlands, Belgium, France region. So coming to Rotterdam isn't too hard for us. About two weeks ago, we all agreed we'd chip in on a large Airbnb and split the cost five ways. Sounds like a plan.

However, two days ago, it came to light that two of our friends couldn't make it, and the other three would just sleep in the apartment of a friend who lives in Rotterdam. And there wasn't enough room for me and my girlfriend to also stay with them. Even when I suggested we could bring our own mattress and everything, they insisted there wasn't enough room. So that meant my girlfriend and I are stuck having to get our own Airbnb, which is probably 300 to 400 euros while our other friends get to stay for free. So that's when I decided that out of principle, we wouldn't go. Is this an

overreaction? I kind of expected them to offer to pay part of our Airbnb. But on the other hand, it would only be me and my girlfriend using it. So I understand why they wouldn't. But still, it's kind of annoying. And it just rubbed me the wrong way. Was I wrong to react this way? I just noticed myself in that in my frugality, I might be off putting sometimes, but in my heart, I feel I was a little right. Even if I imagine I would have gone and felt resentful. Anyway, thanks. Would love to hear your thoughts. I think you're right, but also now you're not having – you've punished yourself.

Yeah. You stood up for your morals and your principles and you made yourself sad. You denied yourself a vacation and time with your friends. That said, I think your friends were kind of rude about this. Yeah, they were just like, oh, we all found another place for free. There's no room for you or your girlfriend. So do you want to still come and get your own Airbnb? Right.

That's kind of messed up. Yeah. So I think I probably, I don't know. I feel like given this, I might do the same thing. Or I might just be like, great, I'm going to go and get a nice Airbnb with my girlfriend and make the trip more about us hanging out. That's weird, too. You're there with your girlfriend and your friends are also there. And you're spending a lot of money and you're mad.

At least, I guess you're going to be mad either way so at least what you've done is save yourself money and you're mad rather than go spend money and stay mad. So the lesser of two evils. Which is letting them know but not go. Yeah. So you're

basically being like, you guys fucked me. I'm not going to go. And based on on their reaction you'll know that their true intentions were nefarious or not right are they like no what you should definitely still come with us or are they like awesome great yeah we're gonna actually stay in that airbnb then yeah because now they're okay if that's how you feel they yeah maybe they just don't like you which is awesome which is fair it's a fresh restart because then you get to make new friends. Right. In Rotterdam.

The best kind to have. Imagine going to Rotterdam and fucking making a new friend for life. There's no value. You can't put a price tag on that shit. Yeah. It's rude. It's tacky. It's weird.

It's off-putting. It's blue. It's uncouth. Yeah. Who. It's off-putting. It's blue. It's uncouth. Who would you say is your newest friend? My newest friend. You're texting somebody and you met him, I don't know, five years ago. I guess there's a dude that I met like maybe over the summer that I'm texting sometimes. You find it hard to make connections, right?

That's why you like Monopoly. That's why you like Long Distance. What are you talking about? For you, it's very transactional. Okay. That was kind of intelligent. But transactional related to Monopoly. but you said you like making connections. That's why I like monopoly.

It doesn't ring true. It rings false to me. You're connecting dots where there are none to connect. Would you say you've ever gotten directly? Drop the monopoly. Drop it. It's not even necessary. It wasn't even a big part

of your upbringing. Small. Yes. But the idea of collecting little things from Illinois, Baltic, Marvin Gardens, or whatever.

It feels like monopoly is the focus rather than like a way in to like a deeper thing. It should be about like the transactional nature of relationships for sure. Not like, I in yeah to like a deeper yeah it should be about the like the transactional nature of relationships for sure not like i wonder why you like collecting monopoly pieces right like what is it about an exploration of me it's completely why do you have a tiny little

metal top hat i wonder why do you walk around inside of a thimble curiously. You're obsessed with free parking. Do you think you can remember all the properties on Monopoly? No. No. But there's a chance. Nice chance. There's a community chest. There's a community chest after all. That's actually an accidental good tweet

that I stumbled on. Do you think there's a, how about, I can name every Monopoly property. Just give me a chance. Yeah. I can name every Monopoly property except for one. So give me a chance or something like that. Yeah.

It's, the chance, The thing is that chance isn't a property. I can name every square. I can name every what's it called? Box on Monopoly. Yeah. I can name the full

Monopoly board. Except for one. If given the chance. Just give me a chance. Or should I go to jail? Mediterranean is the first one. Mediterranean? Yeah. Wow, yeah, I would not have remembered.

Then Baltic. Okay. And there's only two. That's purple. That's purple. And then we're going on to the blue. Light blue. Baltimore? Or is that Baltic? I think it's Oriental, which is really expensive. Oriental.

Connecticut. Connecticut is the expensive one, yeah. But I don't know. Oh, Vermont? Something? No, I thought Vermont is dark blue. I think Connecticut is a light blue one. Yeah, Connecticut is light blue.

Okay. And Oriental definitely is. Right. Oriental Ave, what else is there? I remember Oriental, and then what was after that? Dude, relax. You named it already. What's the name of the property?

Yeah, and you already said Vermont. You already said Illinois. Illinois is red. Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky those are the reds but what's after the I would yeah light blue

orange? yeah there's orange St. James place? wow sure nah that's getting all mixed up yeah orange and then what's the one after that?

boardwalk and park oh yeah that's easy and the greens right Yeah. Orange, and then what's the one after that? Boardwalk and Park. Oh, yeah. That's easy. And the greens right before those blues. Oh, yeah, forget it. Pennsylvania. Oh, Pennsylvania, right. Yeah.

And lastly, of course, the yellow. I literally have not been able to name anything besides Connecticut and Oriental. I definitely remember there was Oriental. It feels like you like Monopoly more than I did. I love Monopoly. Let me guess, you were the banker. And let me guess, you cheated to win, didn't you?

Were you a hotel magnate? Yes. Yes, I think you were. Oh, you did the railroads, you little fuck. Did you love the four railroads? Four railroads? Four railroads? No, I couldn't.

B&O classic I don't know any of them Pennsylvania you already said Pennsylvania as a property yeah

that makes me think it's not a railroad uh yeah railroads were weird yeah but having them was good yeah

but really what you needed was was the property. You needed that hotel. If you had the hotel on Park Place, you're in the game. You've won the game. You are bleeding people dry every time they land on your square. Okay?

Yeah, I guess. Oh, you guess? You guess. Ventnor! Huh? Ventnor? Ventnor is a purple one, right? A yellow.

Yellow. I'm looking at them now. Oriental was correct. Okay. Yeah. Nice. And then Vermont, Connecticut. Oh, we totally forgot there was a purple one, not an orange.

The next one is purple. Okay. Let's see. Last three. Just tell me if these sound at any, like, ring a bell at all. Okay. St. Charles Place. Rings a bell.

States Avenue. No. Virginia Avenue. Small bell. Yeah. I think what you did growing up was sort of view people as almost like this transactional. You said this already. Yeah.

Right. Right. That you would always have free parking. That you would always have that get out of jail free card. Yeah, and the waterworks that you landed on. The public works. Yeah, that's when things got a little bit too real. I was actually more into the game of life. And I think that says more about me. It actually says a lot that you were super into Monopoly,

which is just going around the square, consistent, mundane, all about cash flow, build a property, build a hotel. And I was more into this meandering game of life where you could pick up tiles and win cash for life events, getting married, finding your job, having children. Isn't that interesting? I went to a shrink to analyze my drinks. All right, let's take another break.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Yeah. It's Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's. I totally forgot to say happy Valentine's to you. That's all right.

Do you ever say happy Valentine's to the ladies in your family? Or is it kind of weird? Like happy Valentine's to the ladies, like, in your family? Or is it kind of weird? Like, happy Valentine's Day, mom. It was like my grandma was really into Valentine's Day. She would, like, make us little Valentines. So it's kind of like a family, like, we say happy Valentine's Day on the family thread. It's like a little family holiday. It's sweet.

Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't, like, get my sister a Valentine's. Just one of them. Just one. Pushing the other three aside. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't like get my sister a valentine. I just want to watch. Pushing the other three aside. Yeah. Have you seen Rachel?

I made her a card. Gross, man. Why? It just means that you love her. Yeah, but like more than the others, which isn't right. Yeah. Okay, situation turned out to be cheating the whole time huh that's the subject of this next question okay third year college student who went to birthright on a trip

so we'll call him noah classic jewish birthright name yeah i met a girl who i really hit it off with we spent a lot of time together kept in touch over text until classes resumed went on a bunch of dates and generally grew very close. We had conversations about how we wanted to take things slow, but we were at least exclusive with each other. Hell, we even made plans for Valentine's Day and beyond. Things were going well and she made every indication and expressed explicitly that she was very interested in pursuing something romantic. So cut to last night. I hosted a party at my place with a bunch of people, but eventually I leave with her to check out another party that some mutual friends were throwing.

And while we were there, she left with a girl she knew and another guy, supposedly to sleep over at the girl's place, despite her saying the day before that she'd crash at mine. Right before she left, I pulled her aside and I asked her about it, and she assured me everything was fine, that she wanted to keep seeing where things go with me, but she didn't feel comfortable sleeping over. I later found out through my own sleuthing that she slept over at his place last night. In retrospect, there were red flags, like her saying that she wasn't going to go to

the same event as another friend tells me that she actually did and so on and so forth and she didn't know the guy that she left with but it turns out she did and so i know that she definitely had been lying to me for a while yeah as far as i know she doesn't even know that i found out about her whole situation but i haven't contacted her at all since then so she probably knows something is up should i just try to forget about it all or do I try to confront her? I don't think you get anything out of confront. If I were to confront her, how should I go about it? What should I say?

It's unlikely I'll see her again. Right. Randomly as we share. We don't share friend groups and it's a big campus, but I feel like I'd be letting her off easy if i just let it let it go let it go you don't want to be in the situation where you confront somebody that you're not actually like you know together with and be like i spied on you and i found out you actually hooked up with someone else like and to think i was just gonna let you off scot-free yeah i thought you wanted to see where this was going well it's here and i'm a little crazy yeah i don't think you want to be in that situation uh it does sound like she did you a little dirty but the best thing you can do is move on and

find somebody better would you say living well is the best revenge yeah but i also don't think that she will care about that either. So basically, you'll never get what you want from her, which is, I guess, her to feel bad, apologize for lying to you, say that you are the person she wants to be with. And that is a funny thing in relationships. We're like, this person screwed me over. Like, what should I do? It's like, there's nothing you can really do. Like, they'll always have the quote-unquote upper hand yeah because you can make them feel bad

right and they either will or they won't but that's not good for you either way is bad and what is getting the upper hand actually feel like i felt bad and then i have the upper hand because then i made her feel bad yeah and then you walk away happy good me she's sad i was mean so jokes on you for being mean to me yeah because now you're sad about it you confronting her about this makes her even more right to leave with the other guy i think yeah so it's sort of a social checkmate position right but if you're very cool about it, if you're just like, whatever, I'm not into that kind of behavior. That's not for me. I don't like the lying.

I'm going to go try to be in a healthier relationship. Then that makes you the bigger person. And that's actually the upper hand. Do you think anyone ever acts like that? Like someone who I'm sort of had a crush on is now like interested in somebody else and is kind of nefarious and lying to to me so i'm just like whatever i don't care i'll just find somebody else and get into a more healthy relationship right you think do i think anyone's ever like that yeah yeah are they all just like what is fuck is happening why is she deceitful why is she lying to me i need to get to the bottom of it i think that's a normal reaction and sometimes you you go you kind of like spiral but don't

actually do anything about it like this person might have written this email in kind of a huff and has now thought better it's like it's not worth my time it's like i'm pissed and you can feel all those things but then in the end it's not worth your time you're not getting anything out of the upper hand here it probably doesn't help that it happened during valentine's day week slash and yeah yeah not great but these things on birthright, they feel a little more meaningful than they actually are. Oh, my God. You just need a little time and space. It's like going through hazing or like hell week with someone.

You're like up at 4 a.m. watching these beautiful things. It's a heightened time. Yeah. And you're like. Everything is intense. Right. All very intense. You're on a bus a lot.

Right. Yeah. Everything feels very, very intimate, very meaningful. Everything's hotter on a bus because it's sort of massaging your prostate and your clitoris. Okay. Yeah. So like. You're right.

You're right. For example. Don't go on anymore. You said the bus driving was massaging your prostate and clitoris. What more needs to be said? I'm saying we can have a normal conversation at a cafe or in Barcelona. But I'm not getting any stimuli on my anus, am I? Now let's put that same conversation, but I'm on a, what is it called?

Sibian machine? let's put that same conversation but i'm on a what is it called sybian machine what is it called then saying the exact name for it for example this fucking saddle seat that i have with that has a little vibrating dildo yeah and everything every conversation i'm having happening having sorry i'm fucking hot and bothered just thinking about it, is so intense and hot. Because it's literally milking you. And then you're going to leave with another guy at the party. Why? Because. We were milks together.

I can't believe that. Actually, in Israel, they have these chocolate milks in plastic bags. Really? Yeah, it's almost like a Yoo-Hoo, but instead of a glass bottle, it just comes in a plastic bag. I don't know if there's anything there. Yeah. I don't know. And to be climaxing on a coach bus while you're drinking a milk and releasing your milk.

Yeah. And then you're just back at a fucking party. There's no way. There's some kind of like circuitous motion here where you drink the chocolate milk, you ejaculate into your partner's mouth. Yeah. And then have a French kiss. Almost.

Almost two girls, one cup style. Essentially closed loop milking station. And it is sort of the land of milk and honey, or so they say, because like that was biblically what? All on the way to Yad Vashem. Oh my God. What is wrong with you?

Dude, I'm just saying it was, my time in Israel was really special. I mean, we went to Jerusalem together. We get it. We did. So ultimately, sorry it didn't work out with this person. They're probably not as interested in you as

they were once. Maybe it's the bus thing. Maybe it's the Israel thing. Maybe it's the birthright thing. That's right. But now that you're back in a normal college setting, everything has calmed down a little bit. Yeah. And you can move on. It doesn't sound like this is the person you want to be with.

Or should be with. Yeah. Or it is maybe. And then you have to fight for her. You really probably have to punch this guy for Yael's heart. Is it safe to assume this girl's name is Yael? Yeah. There's no other option.

Me and Yael are making Aliyah. And you're standing in the way. And actually me and Aliyah are making Yael. Making Yael mad. You should get one of those noisemakers every time he walks into the room. A grogger. Yeah, the grogger. As if it's Haman.

Boo! A Magilla-based revenge somehow. I mean, Purim is coming up. It's not a terrible idea. It might be, but yeah, you could do it. Yeah. You could sort of be a Mordecai in that regard. Sort of a wise man.

This is the most Jewish episode we've ever done. At the buzzer, baby. Episode 580 is our most Jewish yet. Wow. But it's not, I mean, this guy's on birthright. We're only adjusting

to the situation that he presents us with. That's true. Okay. That's it. Try to answer as many questions as humanly possible.

I think that was three. That might be a record. That's a new record for us, for sure. Yeah. We've been doing two recently, so three. We'll obviously listen

to the feedback. Yeah. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you guys for submitting your own theme songs. Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. I'm not a Korean.

We should say, as always, these are on YouTube. You can continue watching this visually. I just did a visual gag, so you really should be tuning in. Yeah, Jake basically threw up two sort of peace signs, Richard Dixon style. And then I said, I was like, thank you. That's a golden mic. That's a golden mic. Yes! Yes!

Yes! I'm vibrating the couch. That's why. Like a Siamian. And you can watch that. Watch that on our YouTube. Right. Or you can watch more of us on our Patreon. Patreon you can watch that. Watch that on our YouTube. Right. Or you can watch more of us on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. That's correct.

Ja. But if you're just listening like an old school podcast listener. Yeah. Also, that's how I consume podcasts too. You know, we're part of a millennial generation. We listen to podcasts. Right. But yeah, you can send your questions or theme songs to ifirewshow at gmail.com.

Indeed. Let's hear the end of this basket case parody. Oh yeah, I've been waiting for that. Trophy case, he called it. This guy's name one last time was... Easy to remember. I don't know if we ever said it, actually. We promoted the podcast

and we thanked his boy. Yeah. So, yeah, it feels like we at least did some justice. It was Sam. Sam. Sam Bartlett. Yeah. Okay.

Sam's actually my middle name. Nice. Shmuel, actually, is your middle name. Samuel. Shmuel. Yeah. So me and Sam have that in common. Okay.

Yeah, his podcast, one last time, is The Howling Salt Mine. So if you're a Magic the Gathering stan. Oh, yeah. Check that out. His podcast one last time is the howling salt mine. So if you're a magic, the gathering Stan. Oh yeah. Check that out for sure. All right. See you guys next week. Goodbye everybody. Bye.

Can you help me please? I need to seize the cheese to win the golden. Mike is what I want. Jake is on a streak. A golden mic each week. He's chuffed and cheesed, but every time he flaunts. Sometimes Jake gives himself

the mic. And even though I try and try, I'm just a chipmunk man With a turdy in my hand Am I a golden boy or am I shit? I hid all of my nuts Inside my chipmunk butt Because I've had enough turdies in my life. Jake is called The Pinch.

He is a diva, bitch. He wins each week while Tucker's fucking his wife. I know that if I ask for it Dick will award me a trophy Shit I guess I'll go to hell You can call me a Miss Luell Am I a golden boy

Or am I sick? Dreaming I'm in control And I gotta build in my Sometimes it gives yourself the mind And even though I try and try Sometimes it gives himself a fight And even though I try and try I'm just a chipmunk man With a turdy in my hand Am I a golden boy or am I shamed? guitar solo that was a hit gum original hey i'm jake johnson host of the podcast we're here to help but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen

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