Segments - 584: Near Death Experience

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

In this episode we discuss feeling bad, feeling better, and making pizza. Get your tickets for the next New York Headgum Happy Hour show here! Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. I couldn't handle having a child or even a wife. I make all of my choices out of here. And on Mondays I listen to Jake and Amir. I don't pay taxes because I don't earn enough. I read fake stories from fake ghosts who like it rough. My mother says I need to break up with you. And so I seek advice from J.O.

If I do. Maybe tomorrow I will cut it with this crap. Maybe next week I'll have a day when I don't foul. And in a few years I'll grow up and settle down. And buy my wife and daughter matching dressing gowns. But now it's time to hand it to the two class clowns. Because if I were you the show is starting now i was coming back in with another verse no okay no the fake out oh tease me with it damn i really i wanted that chorus to drop one more time

well actually these uh matthew pope who wrote this says my theme song monday high is condensed so if anyone wants a longer version hit me up on my youtube channel matt pope and i'll post it yes fuck yeah i love that i know i don't know how you hit someone up on their youtube channel though right i think you just go to the page and you click it yeah yeah unless there's actually a contact on youtube i doubt it i feel like you can't it was just a casual way on youtube of saying he'd post it later right right um he also says shout out to amir who donated 50 dollars to my christmas fundraiser so oh sick, sick. Was this the one where he did a cold plunge every day?

Who gives a shit? What I'm trying to say is that I gave him my money. Whatever he did with it is like... I got the notification you paid that with one of my credit cards that I guess you stole when I was in LA.

It was a gift card. It was a gift card somebody gave LA. It was a gift card. Yeah. It was a gift card somebody gave you. This was a gift. Right. So I used it as a gift to him. It was an Amex gift card, actually. That's not a gift card.

That's just my Amex. It's a gift. It was a gift to see it. It was a gift to you because you stole it and gave him a gift. Thank you, Matt Pope. Respect. Absolute respect. We're back in the Zoom room. I feel like it's been a minute.

Yeah. It has been. We recorded so many in person. We batch recorded and now we're running out. Right. It's cool to be. It's also kind of like the three year anniversary of remote recordings in general back when we didn't really know how to do these at all wow yeah it's coming up on that three year anniversary of when i went inside and never left yeah and we did a full podcast episode by recording a phone call i should listen to that again everyone's yeah covet predictions

i'm sure it aged well yeah i think we nailed it i remember bringing up the xbb variant at one point and i remember theorizing it was a lab leak right you were sort of ahead of the curve on that yeah yeah at the end of that episode i cut it out but you said yet your pronouns were prosecute fauci which i thought was so low-key ahead of the curve and then musk must have found or heard the raw file because he tweeted that a couple months ago did he wow yeah it was so messed up he didn't even like give you any quote. Good for Musk. He didn't quote you at all. He just sort of.

Yeah, I'm off Twitter. So I didn't see that he stole my line. Speaking of health, we almost didn't record. We were supposed to record yesterday, but you almost died. Right. Yeah, I almost died yesterday. Well, I guess I didn't actually. Knowing or thinking I know what actually happened,

I guess I probably wasn't going to die. But it really felt like, to me, I thought that that could be death. I was like, this could be me dying. I'm not entirely sure. Because it's hard after, like, however you're 38, right, to, like, feel a new level of. Wait, no, I'm 37. You're 37. You're a piece of? To like feel a new level of. Wait, no, I'm 37. You're 37.

You're a 37 piece of shit. Yeah, 37. To feel a new style of pain at this age seems rare. So you're like, I guess this is what it feels like when one dies and that this is going to happen now. Right. Like this feels so different than anything I've ever felt before. Maybe this could be something that people feel when their bodies are shutting down right but there's no way to know i was like yeah and there's no way to know and like part of and then you're thinking like maybe i'm overreacting and then

you're also thinking but maybe everyone that dies what one of their thoughts before that happens is that they're overreacting right you don't know if you're being a hero or kind of a zero yeah exactly um so what happened but so okay so i got i got a vaccine a tdap vaccine that's your tetanus shot um i believe jeff has broken the news that jill's pregnant and uh i'm gonna be a dad yes so okay that's good in order out in the open yeah i think that's i think it's out in the ether but if this is my official podcast announcement which comes in the form of me telling a story about how i almost died so out with the old and with the new i guess yeah so i get this vaccine that you're supposed to get before having a baby um and you're supposed to get before having a baby.

And you're supposed to get your tetanus shot every 10 years. And I didn't know if I had one. I went to the doctor and they said they didn't think I had. So I got my vaccine. Everything is normal. They say it's going to, maybe my arm's going to hurt. They said, if you have an allergic reaction, just keep it out for like hives or anything i'm like okay um and i've gotten like you know i had no reaction to the covid vaccine really don't have much reactions to these things um but then the next day i'm in the office i'm there with dingo bring i brought the dog to work i drove my my car to work. And I started feeling kind of like.

You got the shot on Wednesday. This is on Thursday. And we're recording on Friday. Right. So I start feeling lightheaded, just a little bit like out of it. Kind of the feeling like maybe when you haven't eaten or you didn't drink enough water that day, like that feeling. But I had done all those things. And I was like, maybe it's just like hot in here i'm gonna go outside so i took i took dingo to the dog park uh near the office when i'm at the off when i'm at the dog

park my back kind of starts like spasming i just have like shooting pains in my lower back and then my neck like soreness in my joints everywhere really but like kind of a sharp pain in my lower back and then my neck like soreness in my joints everywhere really but like kind of a sharp pain in my back neck my biceps um and then like my hands just like are you putting together that it's a vaccine thing or you're like oh something is weird right now at that point i think i was just like i wonder like why why am i so sore and i worked out with rosie that morning so i was like maybe i like and we had done dead lifts so i was like maybe maybe i just like pushed myself too hard um and then and then i started getting really cold and it's kind of sunny it's not that cold it's like 45 degrees so i'm like

all right i'm gonna go back to the office. I went there and I started feeling just like frazzled. So I texted Jill and I just said, I feel kind of weird. And then I went into the studio. I took my laptop, like I had a call or something because there were a couple of people there.

I went into the studio and I just like lied down and I started like shivering a little bit and i was like this is whatever's happening it didn't feel that crazy it just felt like if i it had it was a feeling like i think i just need to go home i think i just need to go home flu-like symptom this is sort of what i feel like when i get uh the covid vaccine i feel like kind of cold a little bit like like sore for like a day yeah yeah and i was so i was kind of like i was like where i had the wherewithal to kind of go out and

and be like all right i have to head home nobody's suspecting that i'm like i don't think um and then as i'm as i'm driving i just start like shivering like oh all right this is this is weird the kind of like the heat up to 85 the seat warmer is on and I'm just like shivering. And then as I'm going over the Williamsburg Bridge, I start like shaking like this. Convulsing. Yeah. Yeah. Like just like anybody watching at home can see.

It's like, it's not like shivering. Six to eight inch pumps. It was like. Yeah. Like you're holding a jackhammer. Yeah. Like literally if i was holding yeah it could not yeah and just like heavy breathing and i kept on saying to myself it's okay it's okay oh boy all right um just like talking to myself then finally i got home how did you um there's like uh a church near my house where

you're not supposed to park in front of and there's always parking there so i just pulled pulled right into that walked up the stairs couldn't get the keys into the door because i'm shaking so hard yeah jesus as soon as jill saw me she was like i have we have to call 9-1-1 we have to go to the hospital we have to go to the hospital and i was just like and that at that point i was like i part of me thought that i did have to go to the hospital and part of me was like i'm too cold to do anything so i want to die here yeah so it's like just so i laid down on the couch she put our comforter on me and a wool blanket and my jacket like wrapped over my feet and then like a wool scarf around my head and i'm just like shaking so hard and this one i text you

because we're supposed to record and i said um let's see uh when do you want to record today sort of like in a jovial fashion yeah and what did i respond because i didn't respond jill i think jill responded yeah well you according to me said uh not feeling well don't think i'll make a recording today which is like yeah this isn't like lol not feeling too hot haha sorry this is random af it's like a very like impersonal, not feeling well. Don't think I'll make a recording today. At this point, I knew you were dead. Yeah, that's not me.

It's Jillian. And I said, COVID question mark? Because you just went to Australia. You know, this is what happens when you travel abroad. And then Jill finally confesses, it's Jill. Jake got a Tdap shot yesterday. So we think he's having chills slash a fever reaction. Did you know that she was texting me?

Or are you like in such a deep fog that you're like, just do whatever you want. After like half an hour of just like shiver shaking on the couch and Jill, I called my doctor and we talked to him and he he was the one that told us it was probably a reaction and also like but as we were waiting to talk to him I was like contemplating telling Jill to call 9-1-1 because it like that was it felt like my body was going offline right like it just that's you might pass out, basically. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, maybe I can shiver so hard that like everything just shuts off. And I was like vague. And I kept on having these like really dark thoughts of like telling Jill I loved her. But I was like, if I do that, then she'll freak out.

Yeah. Then she'll actually freak out. So I just kept on pretending that that everything was normal and not a big deal while internally i was like this is a coin toss to me that it could be the end um but then eventually when we talked to the doctor he was like it's he had her take my temperature he had me take a covet test, and the COVID test was negative. I had a low-grade fever, and he was like, it's probably the Tdap. And he was just like, keep an eye.

And he's like, if you start vomiting or if there's any abdominal pains, then call 911 or something. But he's like, this is going to subside in like 12 hours and i remember being like fucking 12 hours i'll be dead by then yeah because that was when i started warming up a little bit um and as soon as i started warming up it was just like aches and pains all over like i couldn't lie in a comfortable position i think your muscles were sore from shivering it's like a work like a full body like tension, basically. Yeah, it was high tension.

And then when you got the release, it was just pain all over your body where the tension was. And that was around when I asked Jill if there was any text had come in that I needed to respond to. Because I knew that NADPOD was coming out that day and sometimes murph needs uh pickups and i knew that we had to record and i was like i need to tell people that i can't do stuff if they're waiting on me um so yeah then you texted me at 210 two hours later bro i thought i was dead. And I said, is this still Jill? I've never felt like that. So was it just a gradual, slightly feeling a little bit better every hour

for 12 hours until you went to bed? It was not gradual because when I stopped shivering, that was like, you know, everything. I was like, now I'm normal sick. I'm like a normal way of feeling. It felt like I was just kind of exhausted or something, like I had a cold. But I think the shaking and the shivering and the, that was making me freak out.

So as soon as that stopped it it was kind of like the hangover from that um and then i like nap for an hour but even before i went to sleep i was like i if i fall asleep i was telling jill i was like if i fall asleep just like um monitor check to make sure that i'm alive so then my last words to j were, if I fall asleep, make sure I don't die. Thanks, babe. And then did you sleep a normal night of sleep or were you like scared and sore for 12 hours? I could not get out of bed.

So on the couch until I stopped shivering and then I was able to go up to the bed and this was at like, I mean, maybe two my time. And then I laid there for a few hours, texted you. I never got out of bed. I started, I think at one point I read a book on my Kindle. I texted some people. Did you eat dinner in bed?

Or you didn't have an appetite because you thought you were dead? I didn't have an appetite. But then I started, I was like, I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want. I don't have an appetite, but there's like a pang of hunger. And I had a plate of fruit and a piece of toast. So that was dinner. And then I went, oh, and then i had butter noodles at like nine and then yeah then i slept from uh nine until maybe 7 30 this morning wow and how did

you feel when you woke up i felt a million bucks never better went on a 12 miler i felt like i came online like slower, but I did. I went to the dog park with Dingo and I threw the ball around. Oh, wow. And I like walked around the neighborhood. I couldn't have like gone to the gym, but I feel like right now I could maybe go climbing if I needed to. Wow. But you probably don't need to.

I don't need to. Yeah. I woke up and I felt completely fine except for just a little like tired from the intensity the day before i wonder why it affected you in an extreme version and rarely anybody else yeah i mean it sounds like it happens rarely but i've gotten a tetanus shot before so i don't know why this time it happened i wonder if you had tetanus because i think tetanus is like when every muscle in your body contracts at the same time and you die like your bones break under the weight of the tension jesus christ so thank

god you didn't have that yeah yeah it was uh it was a harrowing day. At least one, you survived, and two, you won't have whooping cough for a decade. Yeah. It's nice to not have whooping cough. And if yesterday, I mean, God, I almost think that it'd be worth it. No, no, no. Everyone should get vaccinated against tetanus. That being said, if it lasted for 45 more minutes minutes it would not have been worth it you're an anti vaxxer for an hour for an hour and afterwards now i'm glad i have it did you respond to people on slack that were reaching out to you um no no i didn't as far as they know, you're still passed out. Well, I think I went on, I checked Slack,

and I saw that you told everybody that we weren't going to record. That's good. So, yeah, I made sure that there was nothing pressing that I was missing. That's good. And then, aside from that, I let all communication fall by the wayside. You deserve it. You've earned it yeah yeah this is your michael jordan flu game that's right because we they did want us to record two this week yeah but we're gonna get one in the can but now john's gonna edit this and

understand my plight and and forgive me i'll be your i'll be your scotty pippin sort of carrying you to every ad break and then you sort of pass out in your chair drink gatorade you put that like little cold compress on your neck while i read ads and then smelling actually sounds gatorade sounds so good you're back into it all right let's take a break think some sponsors come back and maybe you can get Gatorade or something. Yeah, during the break. All right, BRB everybody. Bye.

Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff,

then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right.

I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have. You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black.

So if you like football as much as me, which is not not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Whoa-za.

Very cool. Download the new DraftKings Pick 6 app now and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem?

Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions pick six is not available everywhere including new york and ontario void were prohibited one per new customer non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months limited time offer see terms at pick six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we're back hey jake do you have any

mom i'm coming um yes yes i do aside from getting your tdap vaccine um okay two things that i did recently okay that i believe have markedly improved my life. Wow. This is before you got ill. Yeah. Honestly, as I was going to work yesterday, I said to Jill that I felt better than I've ever felt. Wow. Okay. This is huge. Let's hear it. It crashed really hard, but it wasn't because of this other stuff that I'm doing. External factors. It was just the Tdap. Okay. Yeah.

Can I guess? Can I guess? And I can get back to this peak. Yeah. Okay. Does it have something to do with hydration? No. Does it have something to do with. Kind of.

Okay. Does it have something to do with food? No. Okay. Does it have something to do with sleep? No. Does it have something to do with cleanliness? A brush?

A wash? A lavage? Yes, I'm doing a three times a day lavage. An anal lavage. We both knew. We both knew you're sticking a neti pot in your ass and it's making you feel 10 times better. All right, what is it?

I'm curious. Okay. I have stopped drinking alcohol and deleted Instagram. Wow. Okay. There's, yeah. Is this related to Micah stopping to drink alcohol? He and I are stopping alcohol pretty much on the, yes.

Yes, it's related. I don't know. I guess, I don't know who started it. Maybe he did, but maybe we heard it somewhere else. Okay. But yeah, we are off the sauce. Did something cause that sauce to staz? Or was it just like, I'm hungover, I don't want to drink for a month?

Yeah, I think he was doing it because he didn't want, like he wanted to sleep better. I sleep fine, but I felt like it wasn't really adding anything to my life. And there would just be like times where I'd have like a drink or two and then just like be a little foggy. And I didn't want that. And then I was like, oh, well, I'm only going to drink two days a week. But then I kind of heard that it stays in your system longer than that. So if I'm drinking two or three days a week, it's kind of just always there.

So then I was like, well, I wonder what it would feel like if I just didn't drink at all. And then I tried that, and it felt really good. So what do you feel now versus a year ago? I guess it feels, I feel a little more, it's hard to say now because I feel so frazzled from yesterday. But I was feeling. I'm brain fogged. I think either gone or here, which never went as good. It's truly that. I never felt, fuck, I'm starting to shake again.

I think it's withdrawal. felt the brain i'm starting to shake again i think it's withdrawal it cracked open a cider i think i've been i wake up with more energy and okay um yeah waking up with more energy feeling more focused uh and and i guess i guess just a sense of holier-than-thou attitude about not drinking. Oh, you're drinking? Yes. A little ego boost. I gave that up. It's a poison.

So I figured my body is a temple. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you'll end up going back to like, I'll have wine with dinner level? Or are you like, no, I prefer the way i'm feeling to ever feeling drunk ever again yeah i specifically was like i'm not gonna actually give up alcohol i'm just gonna stop drinking but like i'll happily start at any point like i don't think i would if there was an event or something that i felt like it would be fun for me to get drunk for i probably would i

mean i definitely would. Well, what about the Australian tour? Don't you guys drink on that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. But I didn't drink. I guess I had like one whiskey on show nights there. Yeah. But normally I'd have like three whiskeys on a show night, a drink every other night.

You drink less. still yeah i'll drink the with the australia tour was like definitely uh an outlier normally i wouldn't have drank at all right but like also i it's hard i don't know how to do a show without having a drink in my hand i need it as like a nervous comfort thing yes social lubrication slash performance juice right so i think i didn't drink for like two weeks leading up to that tour and i was like i know when i'm in australia i'm gonna have a drink on the night of the show and at the end of the show we all went out and i got like a couple whiskeys that night to celebrate so i don't i definitely don't have a problem with drinking i think it's fun sometimes

yeah but drinking has like the default and you've been doing this for your whole last life what makes you have fun not drinking well the few things that i was thinking about when you were talking is like one uh it makes sense because alcohol is it is poison but it's really fun to have but i i right since the, I basically haven't been drinking. So which brings me to my other point. I'm kind of jealous that you had something you could take out and feel better. Because I think I feel fine now,

but I want something to be like, do this thing and you'll feel even better. I'm like, now I crave the desire to improve. Give me something that I can do. So I'm already there. I'm already not drinking. So like, okay, now what? Yeah.

Well, I think heat exposure and cold exposure would be the next thing for you. Yeah. Have you seen this guy? Actually, this brings us to your other point on Instagram. You deleted Instagram. But have you? Yes. I've been seeing more and more of this like science sort of bro podcast Instagrammer,

Huberman, the Huberman Lab lab which is like some guy yes yeah yeah stanford neuro whatever and he has like yeah yeah podcast episodes designed to like this is what you should do to help hydration this is what you should do to help sleep this is what you should do to help fertility this is what you should do to help health or whatever so i've been listening to like some of those just to like hear if like there's a certain thing that I could be adding or doing or changing to make myself feel better. But one of his core beliefs is that zero alcohol is the best amount. He's big into cold plunge. Yes, he's also big into cold plunge.

But yeah, he says that like literally the best amount of alcohol for you is zero. Right. That makes sense. I mean, we know that. But like socially, that's not necessarily true. And I mean, some people have a problem with alcohol and they have to avoid it entirely. But yeah, there's alcohol. It doesn't make me, for me right now, the feeling of drinking it after is not worth the feeling that I get from drinking it i basically like seeing a full glass and i like that first sip but even after i've had like a beer i don't like wandering around kind of buzzed i don't actually like being drunk yeah anymore yeah so so yeah and then i definitely don't like being hung over it feels like not having it in my system is great yeah i think you should try

cold plunge, bro. Yeah. That's the one that I keep hearing about as well, where it's like doing like just lunging into cold water every morning is like a natural antidepressant slash upper slash exhilaration like mood enhancer. And it has other benefits potentially as well. That's right. But what if it's terrible for you? And I just didn't read those studies. Right.

There probably are studies that say that also. And actually, when I was shaking, shivering, convulsing yesterday, I was like, I wonder if I shouldn't do cold plunges. Right. Is this because of that? But now I'm normal and I'm back and I think they're fun. Another Hubermanism is drinking eight ounces of water for every hour you're awake um for the first 10 hours you're awake i should say okay i think i kind of do that automatically yeah sometimes i think i drink too much water yeah i'm sort of like a guy that drinks water

with meals but like at three to five p.m i'm not drinking water yeah do you have a do you have a water bottle well now i've been using this gumball bottle see that's nice you just you got to just get a water bottle that you carry around i carry my bottle around all the time what was i don't go anywhere without my baba yeah i don't i don't want to have to have a baba but i do want to drink i love my baba why did you delete instagram then i deleted instagram when i was in australia and i was kind of like trying to go to bed and i think i just realized that there were times where i would like be on instagram close it out lift up my phone open it again compulsive

it was your addiction behavior yeah yeah and then i realized I was looking at my, like on my discover page, there was this dude who, my discover page was like fitness, interior design, travel, like, um, he's kind of like lifestyle videos.

And one of them was there. I was, I was constantly getting like jacked guys cleaning their apartments. They really nailed you. Yeah. There was this one dude who was like five, like these are the five essentials that I bring every time I travel so I can keep a clear head.

And then it's like, I'm watching him go through his apartment and he's like, I think he was like a budget influencer like he he opened one of the things he brings was chargers for his devices and he opened a drawer with a bunch of chargers and i was like this looks awful what are you doing dude like of course everyone five things and you're including a charger a mofi like yeah what are you talking about? And that was when I realized that I'm letting like these nothing influencers influence me. Like I'm the one sitting in Australia looking at this guy's dumb video. And it's, you know, the 15th time I've looked on my Instagram discover page.

Just just hey, show me anything. Show me anything that will make me feel some kind of sense of longing starting an instagram story yeah maybe i was like let's just see what happens when i delete it let's just see what happens if i don't have it on my phone okay and sure enough i haven't thought about it at all oh interesting so it was it was an addiction because it's there yeah it was just because it was there i i just i don't i truly don't miss it there's now and now i think like the nice thing that's happened is when i use my phone i don't know what to do with it yeah you know you're in line sometimes you're on your phone you're like you take it out okay i'm gonna go twitter instagram text email slack

like you just have the rotation yeah and now when i look at my phone i'm like there's no email there's no slack there's no text what do i do oh no i put it down there's nothing else here yeah there's nothing here for me yeah but do you still you know just like out of habit just like i'm in line or i'm walking and it's a red light i'm just like all right i'll check my phone nothing 30 seconds later all right i'll check oh right i already remembered i i already forgot that it's like when your power goes out you walk into a room and you turn on the light you're like oh right i forgot there's no light yeah right i think when i'm in

line i sometimes will like look at i'll like read articles on espn now news yeah i mean not really it's still it's still kind of nothing because it's just me reading like bullshit but it's at least it's at least me reading something and now i see people sometimes on insta like when i'm in the line i see someone on their instagram just scrolling mindlessly. And I'm like, wow, that looks so sad. Yeah. This is kind of like the alcohol thing. You have a holier than thou attitude. Yeah.

But I'm watching their Instagram. Wait, go back. Let's like that one. Holy shit. It's a really nice cabin. Give me your, let me see your discover page. Are you on TikTok? I could show you.

I got TikTok. I went the opposite way from TikTok. I feel like a couple months ago, my unsolicited advice was follow me on TikTok. Yeah. You've been all over the place with TikTok. You're in, you're out. You're in, you're out.

I'm just constantly trying to find a way to feel better, then find a way to feel worse, then find a way to feel better then find a way to feel worse then find a way to feel better again i mean the alcohol is a great thing yeah the alcohol uh it's it has been it has been great i'll tell you when it's greatest is on the weekend because i didn't drink that much during the week anyway really yeah but on the weekends i felt like i was i was probably having like three or four drinks a night. Yeah. Maybe if not both Friday and Saturday, at least one of those nights I would go kind of ham.

Yeah. And just waking up and not being hung over feels so good. Yeah. See, again, I'm already used to that lifestyle. Give me that next thing. Like what else you got? You know, like I already didn't wake up feeling hungover but like okay now what i think you need then you need an endorphin dump from exercise or heat or cold exposure that's what you need you know what i do like i realize i have certain days of the week with activities that i look

forward to like playing tennis on wednesdays basketball on sundays um i'm like every day of the week should have something. There's no reason for me to not find like five other things that I should be doing. That's true. What let's let's. All right. So Sunday is taking care of. So is Wednesday. Yeah.

What do you want to do on Thursday? I don't know. Should I try blow like it's cocaine fun. I feel like there's something to like having like acid or blow or like yeah cocaine or something like that or like whiskey or vodka or something or mdma fridays or something like that coke is super fun and i've started doing just so i deleted instagram doing i'm doing coke and that's every night doing as a as a meal replacement yeah because you're doing intermittent fasting except for coke right right because you, you don't eat the Coke.

You snort the Coke. Yeah. So that sort of curbs your appetite. I'd like to see you riding a bike, man. I think that'd be really fun. You can get back out there. Back literally on the saddle or whatever the bike seat is called. Saddle.

Yeah. I have to wait for it to stop. It's been raining in LA for fucking three months now. This is ridiculous. I need some indoor activities to keep my endorphins up cooking you like cooking yeah cooking is fine i guess but you know yeah to what extent that's not it's not the outdoor like tennis is great because it's outdoor i hang out with a buddy and it's uh exercise it's like the big three these are the three things that you need. Sunlight.

Right. Social. This is why you would love, you should definitely get into cycling. I've been pushing on you for years. I think it'd be really fun. We could go on some bike trips. Yeah.

It'd be great. Yeah. It's going to take a while for me to go from barely knowing how to ride a bike to doing bike trips through treacherous terrainacherous terrain but that's why you go on a tuesday thursday bike ride yeah okay that's two more days great monday what do you got sensory deprivation chamber aaron rogers style it's just you a fleshlight in a sensory deprivation chamber so i'm sitting on a fucking what and i'm playing with what and it's absolutely what out exactly exactly did you hear about the

aaron rogers thing where he went into a cabin and there's no there's it's just no electricity no light for four days i I didn't know. I didn't know that it was a cabin. I knew he was doing some kind of like, well, I didn't know it was like a wilderness thing. I thought he was doing something like, God, what is it called? He was doing like a vision quest or a spiritual thing. I didn't know exactly how it was. Okay. And that was going to be telling him to retire or not

or stay with Green Bay or go to the Jets? Yes, exactly. He was going to just sort of lose himself and figure out where he wants to play football next year, if at all. Yeah. What does he decide? I think he's leaning towards the Jets, but it hasn't been confirmed yet.

Wow. I mean, I would do it. I would do the sensory deprivation thing. I'm just really fucking terrified that if I do that, I'll end up on the Jets. That fucking sucks. Yeah, dude. That's actually a really good tweet. Let's fire that off.

Yeah, because I need to do that now i need to do that yesterday and i actually might cross post it to instagram and then i'll say it on my tiktok for maximum exposure notifications the red circle the numbers going up and up and up look into my veins all matters. And then I give up my antennas. On Friday, it's a social media glutton factory. All right. Those are two good unsolicited advices. And a good compliment to the first third of the episode where you were feeling really sick.

Now it's like, okay, this is how I'm feeling better. Yeah. I felt like I didn't do it justice with my pitch because I'm a shell of a man, but trust me, everybody, it's been feeling really nice. Okay, I'll start fucking futzing around with some sort of food or maybe water and electrolyte something or other to make myself feel a little better

so I have something to contribute next week. Okay, but you have the perfect yard for a sauna and a cold plunge it wouldn't be hard yeah have you been wait you don't have a cold plunge do you just have a sauna yeah just have the sauna god damn but i want the cold plunge isn't the cold plunge just any any bucket like what's what makes it a specific plunge of cold? Yeah, no. Some people just use a bucket. That's what I want to do. I think I'm just going to build one with Jeff over the...

It's kind of... You can't really do it over the summer because then... Well, no, you can. You just pour ice in there. Never mind. As soon as the weather gets a little bit warmer and I want to spend more time in the yard, we'll build the cult plunge.

That's awesome. Thanks. I needed to hear that. Yeah, thanks. I'll come visit and sort of. But it's just any, yeah, it's any bucket. Sleep in the plunge. We'll do it when you come out in March.

We'll run into the ocean. The ocean? Yeah, it'll be sick. Will you do it it will you run into the ocean with me in march i'd rather do like the bucket one so there's like a hot shower nearby let's do it let's do it the ocean one because no you would like it yeah what if i end up on the Jets? Nice. Forget it. Holy shit, I'm on the Jets. Let's everyone hold them accountable.

I think you should do it. Holding accountable. I never said I would do it. You're gaslighting me. This is an ambush. You want to. Can I just do the cold one? Can I take a cold shower or some shit? I need to have access to hot water right after

yeah there are benefits to just a cold shower that's what huberman says thank you get on that hub tip uh all right let's take another break thanks to more sponsors to come back maybe we'll even answer a question fuck it god yeah geez oh i was gonna say this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. Yeah. Christ. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they

have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lififters. Yeah. Visionlifters with a Z and not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking

to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to

squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS.

SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. All right. We really got to answer a question at this point. We have a streak to maintain. We have to. We really got to answer a question at this point.

We have a streak to maintain. We have to. Have we ever not answered a question? Probably, right? I think so. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. We definitely get sidetracked easily. All right.

Here we go. I'll cut to it. I'm a 19-year-old lady, so we'll call this lady, Lady. And I've started casually seeing this guy for my work. I like him, and he likes me me and everything is casual and nice. But here's the thing. I can't stop laughing when we kiss. I haven't kissed a lot of people, mostly because I've never really had a desire to, but he likes making out.

So I'm like, okay, sure, why not? But for some reason, I just can't stop laughing. He's not doing anything wrong. There's nothing causing me to laugh. I feel bad because when he asks me why I'm laughing and then i have to come up with something you know he doesn't think i'm laughing at him and i'm not i just keep laughing and i don't know what to do how do i stop doing this has this ever happened to you guys probably not all the time but i still don't know what's going on and why it keeps happening any advice would help wow i really don't know i i feel

like it's happened to me where someone was laughing when i was kissing them like yeah and it being basically i feel for this guy so just disconcerting you're making out with someone and they're cracking up yeah i think like when you're getting laughed at when you're the other person in the laughing kiss it feels kind of demoralizing slash uh emasculating like that person is laughing at you because that's what right it happens in normal life but i think what's actually happening is the other person's really nervous or anxious about the kissing right yeah so sometimes people she did kind of say that she was like yeah she didn't say she was nervous but she said she hasn't kissed a lot of people so maybe maybe you are nervous yeah i think it's like a jitters thing like you'll get over it

yeah it's gonna go away it can't literally cannot last forever you can't giggle until you die there's no time for that can you giggle so hard you die i was shaking so hard that i was gonna die anything's possible and i was cracking up when jules texted me that and i almost passed the fuck out i had a friend once that laughed so hard he fainted i guess yeah it's hard to breathe when you're laughing really hard right it like he blacked out a friend of mine i don't want to name names. I just know that this person laughed so hard. Actually, Ofer made the joke that made the person almost die. Wow.

Do you remember the joke? It was kind of scary. Yeah, I do remember the joke. What was it? The joke was, we were talking about different strains of weed. You know, some are like Indica's and Sativa's or something. Yeah. And like one way to remember is like Indicouch,

like Indica's make you like mellow. So it's like Indicouch. And then we were talking about how they're like, they're e-cigarettes that like you can charge with Bluetooth. And then Ofer says, yeah, an easy way to remember that is Indicomputer. And then my other friend laughed so hard at that pun that he fainted

in the computer he's like you know like the thing it's like i'm dying i'm dying he actually was dying like he passed out we were afraid like do i do i have to give the heimlich to this person were you guys stoned i mean the joke joke was fine but yeah it didn't it made us laugh but nobody died from it but this guy laughed so hard he's just like slumped over in his chair like holy shit like are you are you fucking with us because like you know you're laughing you can't go straight to serious and then as of her was going over to like potentially give this guy the heimlich like maybe he was choking while he was laughing like on a food oh my god he like just like sort of like woke up like if i've ever passed out oh my god that's so funny it was just just like a temporary reset. We talked about it on the podcast.

You fainted once, right? Yeah, I worked out so hard with Billy at a 24-hour fitness. We were doing a sled, like pushing a sled. And it ended and I felt like kind of nauseous, kind of like feverish, like pale, like I wasn't getting enough oxygen while I was doing the exercise. Then after the gym, we went to get a smoothie

or I went to get a smoothie by myself and I felt so lightheaded that I like collapsed at this smoothie place. Terrifying. God, I love it. God, I love it. Anyway, you can tell this person that you're nervous slash excited and that's why you're laughing. Yeah, I think you can't keep on saying that you're laughing at something else because even if you're one, I think that reads't keep on saying that you're laughing at something else because even if you're one i think that reads as a lie i believe that he knows you're lying and two even if he doesn't it's like why do you keep on thinking of other funny stuff while we're making out i think you have to just be like i'm sorry i'm nervous and that's that's at the very

least you're going to tell him the truth Maybe sharing that will make you feel more comfortable and you'll start laughing less. This happened on Friends, right? Like Ross and Rachel. Or Rachel was always laughing when Ross finally kissed her. Oh, that sounds familiar. They finally made out and Ross was like, you're not laughing. And Rachel's like, it's not funny anymore.

Or something like that. Yeah, I remember. I do remember that. And then they rolled over a juice box at a natural history museum. I remember that one too. So maybe there's something about a juice box or something. There's something about a juice box for you too. You can't quite put your fingers on how it's juice box related, but it has to be.

All right. Let's answer one more question really quick so people aren't fucking upset with us. Even though we poured our heart and soul for the first 40 minutes of this podcast. Sorry, Jake almost died last night. We wanted to catch up and talk about it. I could barely be here for this. This is, we should say, the last episode ever, maybe, if you start shivering again.

So let's treat it with a little bit of gravitas. Yeah. Long-time listener, first-time emailer. This is from a guy. I'll get straight to it. My girlfriend and I broke up a month ago. We'll call this guy Guy. We'd been together for almost three years.

So my single gears are pretty rusty. But I have noticed this cute girl that works at my local supermarket and we say hi to each other. And yesterday I did a double take back at her and she was doing the same thing to me while she was serving another customer. It sounds great, but my only problem is I don't know what to do from here. What's the most seamless way of building momentum with this quest to go on a date with her? How do I, how do I go about this without potentially embarrassing with this quest to go on a date with her how do i how

do i go about this without potentially embarrassing myself or having to go to a different grocery store yeah that is tough it's tough we've we've covered questions like asking someone out at your gym asking your barista out at like if it doesn't go well you do not shop there anymore i think you owe you over that courtesy yeah but i think grocery store is easier than like barista or something because or gym because like you have to like sort of show her what you're buying and she'll have to make some small talk with you and you can sort of gauge what she's like whoa cool what are you making or she's just like swiping and not saying anything to you so it's like i'm gonna buy dough and cheese and pizza sauce let's see if she takes the bait where it's like oh this is exciting are you making pizza yeah i make a really good pie you should

come over blah blah blah or whatever and if she's like no i already have a boyfriend you're like that's fine i was gonna go to whole foods anyway do you guys accept check i don't have apple who should i make out with you or sorry make this out to i'm getting run over by a cart i should i had a cheese sample you could try the into computer joke or some shit like that I had a cheese sample. You could try the into computer joke or some shit like that. Into computer.

Oh man, that's good. Imagine if my friend died and that was the last joke you heard. A pun about weed and a vape. A good way to go out. A good way to go out, really. To go out really to laugh yourself to death i think that's sweet yeah that's like between that and sex you're probably like the two best ways i would write your number on an apple and have an apple iphone that's good that's good that's very good

um yeah i honestly i i don't think i can beat by by the ingredients for a pizza and try to goad her into asking for dinner every day you come back oh i forgot. Anyway, that'll be $4.95. Are these pepperonis good? I am making a pizza. That's nice. I don't like you. Well, I don't like pizza. All right. Anyway, just this giant tub of Vaseline and a Maxim magazine.

Can I have a Juergens and a Stuff? Hottest poker players of 1998. How's that? I don't even make pizza. And we're the day old pastries after all. Do you guys throw the bagels? I need a dessert to go with my za.

Do you guys throw away the bagels after a day or how does that work uh all right good luck let us know how it goes yeah uh oh this guy says yeah big fan of the show congrats to jake for yet another golden mic you're on an absolute roll thanks yeah i do feel like i got the golden mic today because anybody like i was doing a lot of that heavy lifting yeah i know you definitely were but i think i just get one for i get like a sympathy golden mike i get the man of the match for this one just for showing up after my hardship bub i don't think you'd take that away from me would you no but if we're talking about sympathy maybe i can get like last week you probably didn't

say who got it you might as well just be like fine you get one for the last week i got it last week yeah you think so i just feel oh i'm shaking again let's end the show let's just give me the mic you're totally milking it you can't even hold it you're too weak. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening.

If you got your own questions or theme songs, send them on down to ifirewshow at gmail.com. Correct. We're also watching Jake and Amir episodes on our Patreon, patreon.com slash ja. Ja. So thanks to you guys for supporting us over there and watching those videos. Thanks for listening and watching these videos.

And of course, we'll be back next week. We're also making Jake and Amir videos. I believe A March Madness is out either this week or next week. If all goes well, there will be a new Jake and Amir March Madness episode. Very, very, very soon. Those are debuting on the HeadGum YouTube. So, yeah, check us out on HeadGum's YouTube. All right, that's it.

That's our time. We'll be back next week. And thank you to Matt Pope for writing this theme song. Let's play it again, Sam. That's my middle name. Okay. Okay. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life.

I couldn't handle having a child or even a wife. I make all of my choices out of here. And on Mondays I listen to Jake and Amir. I don't pay taxes because I don't earn enough. I read fake stories from fake ghosts who like it rough. My mother says I need to Break up what to do And so I seek advice from David If I do

Maybe tomorrow I will cut it with this crap Maybe next week I'll have a day When I don't fall And in a few years I'll grow up And settle down And buy my wife and daughter Matching dressing gowns But now it's time to hand it to the two class clowns

Because if I were you the show is starting now I was coming back in with another verse. No, okay, no. That was a Hiddem Original. luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle,

which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.