Segments - 585: The End Is Near

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

In this episode we discuss garbage ninjas, volunteer firefighters, and the next steps of our careers in comedy. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. What would you do if you were me? I sent a dick pic from my gallery I used the angle of the dangle right to let my lady see That my rock soft hog's thicker than a celery I sent a pic to please, certainly did not foresee That she would send my private pecker pic to my family

Now I'm living in a tree What would you do if you were me? I read a book, I read a book I read a book, book, book, book, book. I read a book about a beaver, became a beaver myself. Now I'm living in a beaver dam surrounded by elves. I'm Santa fucking Beaver Claws, sleeping with the fishes. Cause I really need some adipose for doing all the dishes, y'all.

Better help me out today, I take my girl from IPK. I ate a fucking fish filet, I always knew that come a day this may rain over me. I took a lot of LSD so help me please seize these cheese pieces I'm laying down I'm praying yo don't know what I'm saying though and so I think it's time to go yo what up dudes I love the show yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yes yes wow i was planning on doing that head bobbing with a hat really low bit no matter what the song was but it but that one really it fit yeah yeah it fit really well you were like sort of a boxer slash freestyle rapper waiting for his like turn to like hop in.

Yeah. It's like a producer that was happy with the rapper that was spitting verses on my track. Exactly. But since you're a rapper, like you can't show joy in a like nice normal way. You just have to be sort of like angry, but into it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Jay-Z's never like, this is great. Keep it up. Oh shit. Nice dude. Marshall. That was awesome dude. angry but into it yeah yeah yeah right jay-z's never like this is great keep it oh shit nice marshall that was awesome dude that was awesome all right running in to shake his hand oh put her there marshall oh my god how did you do the uh hi my name is thing like did that just was that

natural like holy shit dude i think i have something silly to say. Let's keep it looping. My name is also what? Or hope or whatever the fuck. Holy shit. That was incredible. That's probably the hardest part about being a rapper is that you can never like laugh or smile very much. Stifling your joy, for sure.

You have to be hard. Yeah, exactly. It must be hard to be hard it's hard to be hard it's hard to be hard yeah i'd rather be soft i guess speaking of being absolutely flaccid alex gergis wrote this nice nice he's a web and graphic designer and he has a website called lxgwiz.com where i sell a course he sells a course to show people how to do web and graphic design for their business so they don't need to hire schmucks like me wow okay. He's monetizing. We have a guy. Yeah, he's sort of monetizing getting rid of his own job, which is kind of cool. Yeah, smart. I saw some guy on Twitter recently

asked one of those AI chatbots to program a snake game, and the program just sort of spit out code for a snake game. Right, so it probably stole a code from somewhere for the snake game right well the theory is that it came up with it with artificial intelligence but it doesn't i mean the only way it has artificial intelligence is by like ripping everything from the internet which would have like algorithms for that, right? I don't know. Because then he's like, all right, this is a good start, but make it look like it's on a Nokia phone.

And then it like spit out a design for that too. Interesting. You're becoming useless. You are without use. What do you mean? useless you are without use what do you mean everything you do everything you do

can be instantly and cheaply borderline freely replaced at the drop of a click fine as in that was easy. Bye. Yeah.

I don't know if it could host an improv podcast. I don't think it knows comedic timing. Really? I don't know. I don't think. Shit. But you seem to think that I'm a programmer. I'm sorry i overplayed my hand i guess um damn so it doesn't do like funny shit or timing stuff actually it did spit out a pretty

funny jake in the mirror one time really yeah march madness line was half written by a robot yeah god that'd be sick maybe you can just ask him for concepts it's so funny watching though now i watched i'm watching like giving notes on those in the office and just laughing throughout these videos and then like i watched the outtakes and there i am laughing as you do with gonzaga it's like yeah a month later it's not old i still love it shout out to the head gum youtube channel where you can watch new jake and amir's about once a month yes that's correct and our old youtube channel where you can watch them uh a month after they come out.

That's right. So we're on two different YouTube channels if you think about it. Yeah. Three if you count a few of the stolen ones like Jake and Amir Archives where they like find old videos that we deleted. Yeah. That's my favorite one. It's only the Spawn Con and the old, old, old videos that were only on Vimeo. That's the good shit.

Somebody recently posted the one where you and Dan are trying to go buy each other and then you guys kiss. Remember that one? Yeah, and then I believe Dan sings 525,600 minutes from Rent. Yeah, and we just put that online. Ooh, hello. Somebody's at my house. It's Dan. He's delivering a cease and desist.

That was so fast. Can you believe it? There's no way he could have heard it. Do you have a video doorbell? Could you see who it is? Yes, I can. What are we looking at? Well, let's take a little gander put it on the put it on the

stream we're recording this people can watch it let's just see a live peer into who's at the door i wouldn't want to it's two guys with president masks on and ar-15s oh i know who it is. Who? Yeah. It's someone dropping off some fabric for Jill to look at for curtains. So, yeah. But they are wearing a clown mask and they do have a knife. But I just know that they're here to drop off a sample. We're here with the duffel bags filled with fabric. We have the slub cotton basket weave that you requested. The performance linen.

Take off your mask. Oh, sorry. I don't know why I was wearing that. I think I came from a kid's birthday party and I forgot to take it off. It's a side gig. These giant shears are actually for cutting the squares of linen perfectly. You guys needed blackout curtains, right? Sorry about the whole terrifying you thing.

All this duct tape is so I can get a good seal on the window to get a true blackout. All right. This is a fire. You're the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. I'm a mirror. I'm Jake. Weren't we? Were we talking about something when my door bell went'm jake weren't we were we talking about

something when my door bell went off weren't we oh the that video oh yeah the fact that we're on youtube now right full circle all right circle 18 years later jesus what i don't think that's true. Really? I don't know. I hope it's not. Okay. These are, as always, real questions from real people. Going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. How about a fake name for this lady who's mad at her husband for being obsessed with something? Oh, Peg Bundy,'s mad at her husband for being obsessed with something. Oh,

uh, some peg Bundy always mad at her husband. That's right. Peggy writes, my husband is obsessed with his volunteer firefighter training and it's making me insane. He eats, sleeps and breathes fire fighting.

It's all he talks about ever. Uh, just even just now when he was playing with our daughter, and breathes fire fighting. It's all he talks about, ever. Even just now when he was playing with our daughter, he got up and decided to wear his fire jacket. And when I asked why he put it on, he said, why not? He asked me every evening if I wanted him to teach me how to tie a safety knot. And I always say no.

All he can think to talk about his story is from training. I need to spend time with someone who's not a firefighter. At this point, if I'm ever in a burning building, I'll run away from them. Sometimes he practices knots by lassoing the baby's toys around their necks. Last night I walked into the dining room and my husband had a firefighting stuff all over the dining room to air out because it was sweaty he he also hung his cloth part of his helmet thingy to the ceiling fan please help how do i communicate that this is his thing but i don't want him to take over my lifeline hmm yeah i feel like there are some things in that list that you can take umbrage at and some things that are just you know

he's passionate about something and i think it's nice to be a supportive partner so like yeah talking about volunteer firefighting during dinner and showing you knots that seems like it's you know you can entertain that him lashing toys onto your children. That's something where you could say, you know, with this, the answer is pick your battles. You can't in good faith go to him and be like, you need to shut up about volunteer firefighting because it's a noble thing and it's good to be passionate about. Yeah, it's kind of of annoying it's a really good obsession on a scale of what you can be obsessed obsessed over what you have an obsession about volunteer firefighting is probably in the top three percent of nobility yeah he could be like

really into a like a firefighting video game and he could still have the sweaty clothes and want to practice knots and talk about it all the time so like you you you're you have a good problem i i acknowledge that it's annoying and that it's still a problem because sometimes when people are obsessed about something they don't really have a filter and they can talk about it too much yeah so i think you can draw the line i think you can say you need to keep your firefighting stuff out of the living room and dining room and you can't hang stuff on the fan. But I will talk to you about it if you want to chat firefighting. And if you get up while you're playing with the daughter and put on a firefighting jacket, that's fine because you're just happy to have a jacket. And I like that for you and if you're lassoing a barbie doll maybe that's kind of one of the things maybe that's

yeah maybe that's we don't know too yeah yeah maybe that's we don't do firefighters have to be like jacked and have perfect vision or am i thinking of something else um i don't think that i mean i don't think volunteer firefighters do you have to pass a test you have to pass a test and it's like a fitness test regardless yeah so i don't know if you have to be jacked but you have to be able to do everything that a firefighter is um you know required to do and i don't think you need to have perfect vision but i think you if you don't you'd have to wear glasses or contacts i thought the thing was that like i can't wear contacts because they can get knocked off or like you can't wear contacts

because the smoke would get in the way or am i thinking of being an astronaut um let's see what jobs do you need perfect vision for it doesn't it was not even an auto um monocular vision is likely to be disqualifying that's just having a single eye right yeah that's when you're just you you have a cyclops perception yeah or a pirate patch over right yeah you can't even have a parrot, right? I don't think you're, I mean, no, that would be endangering the parrot. So you can't.

And for the peg leg, like you can't go up a ladder probably or down that like pole. You cannot be an old cat, like an old cartoon pirate and a firefighter because that's just too funny. Yeah. That's too good.

Yeah. Plus the plank would just go up in flames like the whole thing wouldn't make sense yeah but you don't need perfect vision is that what you're what you're seeing it didn't appear i didn't come up in my really brief search okay i was just wondering if i could be a volunteer firefighter if i wanted to right well i mean yeah you have the you have your vision isn't uh a liability at all anymore you have the lasik yeah you're not plus i'm strong but you're really good at tennis and i can yeah i'm kind of afraid of fire though yeah you don't have bravery which is one thing that i think it takes like but i don't think they get courage grace under fire i think they do i think that's part of the like they test that yeah they have like a building where they'll do like a controlled burn and you have to like go in uh to that would

you be afraid to go into a burning building yeah like even as a test i don't know maybe i could do something like that where i'm not like fully lying but i'd be like yes i'm scared actually maybe it's fine right but would you go in like because it's not just like a yes or no sure if it's like the same shit as like the if you're sitting in emergency on an airplane and they're like would you be willing to assist and you're like yeah if i get an extra four inches of leg room sure i'd be willing to assist yeah but it's like that but for fire it's like yeah i get the fucking hat it's not because the jacket yeah i bet you get the jacket last i don't think they just give the jackets out to everybody you have to pass the test really yeah this would be a fun true tv reality show that we could pitch write the pilot for shoot the pilot for and ultimately have rejected and wasted two years of our life over like wow me and

you do different like occupational tests to see if we can because yeah because you know i was trying to be a notary so like could i be a notary. So, like, could I be a notary? Could you be a firefighter? That's episode one. That's the pilot. I become a notary and you become a firefighter. The pilot should be us being pilots, quite frankly. And then the second episode will be us with our second episode of, I don't know, schizophrenia or some shit. And then the third. In a way, yeah. You know, Dirty Jobs, this is just jobs. And then the third job. In a way, yeah.

You know, dirty jobs, this is just jobs. Yeah, yeah. There's no, it doesn't, they don't have to be dirty or trying. It's just like, could I do it? You look at it and, oh, you know, and I think what sells now is also like the average notary makes this, notary is a side hustle. You can make an extra $40,000 a year. Yeah, exactly. Gig economy.

What if it's hosted by Jaleel White? Volunteer firefighter, not quite. Yeah. The name of the show is Can I Do That? So it's Jaleel as the host, and he throws to sometimes you, sometimes me, sometimes other people. And they're seeing if we in fact so now it's not even our show now it's jaleel's show it's not even our show we're doing a cameo in the pilot if jaleel and i are down to get together in a room and flesh it out develop it um if we can

look at your reel and see if you have what it takes to be on the show but honestly i borderline so jaleel and i are looking at so many people right now that it's like hard to commit to you you haven't even gotten in the room with jaleel you haven't even reached out i can get you could get in the zoo maybe you're not trading you haven't you haven't even gotten his avails. I have a line to Jaleel's manager. I do have a line out to him. You have a line out to Jaleel's manager. And did you share a one sheet? Did you share a one sheet?

I don't have to share a one sheet. I don't think you do have a one sheet. I have a log line. Did you share a log line? I have a log line. Yeah. Can I do that? What's your log line?

Can I do that? That's a catchphrase. That's not a log line. Legally, it's's a catchphrase. That's not a logline. Legally, it's not a catchphrase because then we don't own it. But yeah, it's a similar sentence to one that he used to say on a different show. And the description of the episodes are Jaleel White pitches different jobs to his rotating cast and crew, which may include you, but may not not just because we're looking for diverse voices in why am i part of the log line my rejection is part of the log line it's sort of

the tentpole slash load-bearing pillar of the show yeah is that you one of the tenets is that i may or may not be involved. Exactly. On the day. And me and Jaleel. Even though I came up with it. But you came up with the can I do that aspect. Yeah. And you're going to reach out to his manager. I have a line out to his manager. Do you have IMDB Pro I was going to ask next?

Yes. Yes, I do. I pay $500 a year for imdb pro yes so why don't you be my assistant and reach out to his manager and see if he has availability the same availabilities that i do i'll share my calendar yeah fine share you share your calendar with me i'll reach out i'll give him a couple of veils and i'll ask for jules of veils and I'll just see schedule wise if he's under contract, what position any of his projects are in. And then share the log line. Yes.

And we'll package it. a full suite of experience packaging developing selling ip both domestically and as bite-sized chunks internationally internationally this will be playing on virgin australia this will be playing on quant ass yes yes lufthansa you better believe it is on Emmy rates as well. If you're sitting in first class, you have your own little cabin, you have your own little shower, you have a hot towel and you hear, can I do that? That's a proprietary show. That's our IP. That's our IP. And every time you hear, can I do that? That sounds like ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching.

That's cash register noises in my ear. Yeah. Because I've trademarked that IP. I have copyrighted that IP. And I will be litigious about that IP. And if I hear anyone else say, can I do that? I will say, no, you can't do that. Because I have copyrighted that.

Because I've already done that. I've been there. and i have done that and take it down cease desist pay me on to the next cease and desist before i say peace and you're deceased okay yeah not really not really and i insist or something right exactly um so i guess you can tell him not to hang his clothes in the living room but ultimately you don't want to poo-poo his passion yuck his yum and say extinguishes fire really you don't want to do what he's trying to do right i think so i think so but you can draw the line somewhere so it can be a little less in your face.

Bingo. And on your fan. Bingo bongo. Alright, let's take a break. Thanks to the sponsors. Come back and answer more questions. Okay. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm

slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about uh the ad experience but in order to do that we need to know a little bit more about you our our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people.

Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters?

Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase

and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than five. Rob, I'm coming. Uh, yeah, yeah. uh yeah yeah and it's to stay subscribed to this feed okay uh that this podcast is on

okay don't unsubscribe from if i were even though, do you want to tell them? Basically, the next four episodes, not including this one, the next four will be our last. Right. This one, fifth to last, fourth to last, third to last, second to last, and then last episode at the end of April. Right. And If I Were You is over. Let's go ahead and say penultimate instead of second to last okay so penultimate episode uh yes do you want to yeah do that again so fifth

fourth pen penultimate really penultimate yeah ultimate yeah then the ultimate yeah that's what i want yeah so four more episodes after this one and if i were you as we know it gone but you know we're not going to delete old episodes anybody can listen to those to their hearts content they'll be here they'll be here for you but two new episodes will not be yeah two big things coming together, it's our 10 year, basically, like this is, that was exactly 10 years, which is May of 2013 to the end of April of 2023. So that felt like a right, just timing wise. Yeah. Right.

And it was also kind of a coincidence because it's also lines up with your paternity leave. Yeah. That's, that's just about when Jill's going to have the baby. So I'm going to need to take some time off anyway. Right. So those two things came together and we said, why don't we call it there for, that's a wrap. Quit while we're ahead, not so much. That's a picture wrap.

Yeah. Yeah. Quit five years after we should have, essentially. Yes, exactly. Just like the Jake and Amir thing. It's like you peak, then you ride the crest down all the way to what can only be referred to as a crash landing. Right, rock bottom. Jumping the shark, as they say.

Actually, there's a lot of similarities between Jake and Amir and If I Were You. It's like the 10- thing starting early you know increasing in popularity and then finishing after 10 or so years and then we started if i were you did that for 10 or so years calling it yeah we basically do everything feels right years yeah and 10 years it was not quite 10 years 27 2007 to like 2016 or something like that. Somewhere in that neighborhood. Right. Ish.

So yeah, we're decade. We do things for a decade. So we have to figure out what the next thing we're going to do for a decade is. That's the bigger issue. And that's what we said too. We never had, we never had, we didn't, like when Jake and Amir started, we had the podcast. When the podcast is out, we don't know what that third thing is. We always step

across ships into onto the next thing life but yeah this time we actually have no idea so we're just gonna end this show and see what's next when it comes to us yeah um and it could be a podcast it could be something else it could be i guess it could be anything do you have any i'm hoping you're i'm hoping your infant daughter on the day would have some insight yeah her first words really early the day she's born will be uh career advice for us you guys should do some sponsored branding company. So you guys are like marketing executives. A cash grab. My daughter starts smoking a cigar.

Her dream is for me to be a marketing exec. Remember when we tried that like nine years ago? We're like, why don't we just start an advertising company? Like we can come up with, like we did so much branded sponsored content. Like, this is all awful. We should just do our own and write stuff for other people and occasionally started ourselves. I think that was a good idea. Why did we sort of give up slash never succeeded that? We, I remember it well, we got pretty far and i was very excited about it we were basically gonna just start a product you and i were gonna start a production company we're gonna make our own videos

and then also have like a sales guy that was selling sponsored content and we were partnering with this was pre-marty so we were partnering with the head of sales at college humor like one of the one of the previous head of sales yeah and i guess headgum was like a light version of that when we started it we're like yeah instead of just ads let's do podcasting right but this was like two or three years before headgum yeah we were like thinking about doing it and i think what ended up happening was our lawyer and manager were very protective of everything we did and they didn't want us to like split anything with a new partner.

So they kind of just gummed it up. And we're trying to convince us. Yeah. And trying to convince us to do TV stuff, which worked out perfect. I mean, we have to figure out like one, is it like going to just be a hard pivot? Like we build a house like we talked about

is it gonna be like just another podcast which is fine but maybe a breath of fresh air yeah that's the question and we're having the brainstorm live right now we were also uh pulling back the curtain super far didn't even know if we were gonna announce it we didn't oh this yeah that this that that it's gonna end you you were pitching we were just should we just end one episode like basically have this conversation be like yeah so anyway the podcast is over right which would have been really funny but i think a little too jarring now we have three episodes or two episodes then the penultimate then the ultimate which is nice yeah well i didn't I didn't want people to expect a grand finale

where it's like now every guest we've ever had comes on and we have this song and dance and like this big finale, which we don't really have planned either. Yeah, yeah. Everyone should know that we have nothing planned, including what we're doing next. I mean, it does feel like Jake and Amir's video, if I were you, is audio.

I like the idea of changing the the medium or the format or something right but still come I mean we're we should say we're still making videos like the Jake and Amir videos are continuing on head gum yeah and so are the patreon episodes which is you know 15 to 20 minutes video every single week. Yeah. So this isn't because of a nefarious falling out or a complete stoppage in output, but rather like the timing of the 10 years thing plus a paternity leave, plus the idea that perhaps this podcast,

we've done it all. We've been single at the beginning. Now you're having a child at the end. It felt like a good resolution to this full life story. Yeah. The podcast has run its course. It's been beautiful. What a ride.

Yeah. But also I feel like podcasts are just always such a grind. It's just every single week. So it'll be kind of refreshing, even though, as we said, we're still making weekly content, but to not make this show every single week, something that we've done for a decade, uh, will maybe free up our brain to have the brainstorm that we're trying and failing at right now. Well, we've done like either a video or a podcast every week since, I don't know, 15, 16 years at this point. Yeah.

So that's pretty, that'll be a jarring stop for someone that's experienced all of it right yeah just not well that person could subscribe to the patreon which will keep on going and that person probably already has yeah our streak is gonna stay alive because of that which is good because we need to stay alive. Yeah. It's our livelihood. You can't just fully quit your job. Yeah, but recharging your batteries is a good idea too. Yeah. I think that we need a boost, a surge of creativity. I need to feel reinvigorated.

I want to feel the passion. The passion that I felt for something when we started the show. Yeah. What about live something live like uh we come up with like a special like um the equivalent of like a stand-up special but we don't do stand-up yeah i would love that that's the kind of thing that we've never we've never been able to do because you have that weekly thing that we have to put out so So like, when are we ever gonna, you know, spend, I feel like every single time that we hang out, we're like,

Oh, we could spend time writing or developing this thing, or we can bang out, uh, eight podcasts. Like we have to. So that's, that's been the trade off,

but now we have no excuse. Now we'll see if we actually, yeah, now we'll see if we actually yeah now we'll see if we can actually do it we all the distractions are put away well you'll have to sort of keep an infant alive for three to six months but i really have no excuses longer than that yeah um but yeah that's i do i like the live thing that's kind of fun yeah that's like like he finished his tv show and then he did like that tour yeah so to see us you have maybe we're thinking about this all wrong maybe

we should just go completely fucking dark you can only see us live so like you've had access to us but that's kind of dangerous too because then everybody might forget about us like right yeah we still do a weekly show in Boise. Yeah. Everyone can come out here. Yeah. We should do like public television, public access TV or something. That's kind of cool too. Broadway musical.

Yeah. That's my shit. We do a full on American Idiot style jukebox musical for an album we haven't even written yet. A Fade on Shuffle album. We write an album we haven't even written yet. A Fade on Shuffle album. We write an album, then the musical is just that album. Right. So we write the album. We have chat, chat bot string together, you know, the interludes between songs. We make a teleplay. Yes. What's our Mamma Mia? I don't hate a musical for us because we like music.

Yeah. Do you remember you came up with a Pixar movie at one point? Garage the Movie or House the Movie? Yeah, I wonder. I wonder. Yeah, Garage the Musical. Is there anything there? Is there a there there? At the very least, I think that we can,

I think we should write a musical. That's where I'm putting my bet. Okay, musical is good. I could definitely write lyrics. I'm just, the hard part is the songs, like the actual music for me. I don't know how to do that part, which is like kind of crazy because i feel like you look at me and i'm like a savant like right i'm sure he knows how to like come up with something like book of mormon meets hamilton

that's just as funny as fucking i don't know seinfeldinfeld. But for whatever reason, there's not that musical ability anymore. For whatever reason, I lost that. Did you say anymore? You used to be a musician? Yeah. You said anymore. I used to be like this virtuoso Bo Burnham meets Dimitri Martin guy. I was a prodigy.

I was a Beethoven. I was Doogie Howser meets Sam Howser, who's a small forward for the Celtics. Like literally Swiss Army knife. I could do it all. That's what you're a savant at, by the way. Just coming up with puns. Naming basketball players.

That could be it. That's the fucking show. That's our new show. That's our new show that's our basketball it's buckets it's just buckets it's buckets but i'm a host now it's buckets but a lot of more people are listening for some reason yeah but our fans love basketball now anyway let us know i'm sure yeah let us know what guys are listening. What do you want us to do? What do you want to see next? If you're still listening now,

like it's been 10 years, like you're the super fans. You guys are the lifeblood. You tell us what you'd want to listen to next. All those guys that stopped listening 3, 4, 12, 18 years ago, they're casuals. We don't fucking care slash respect their opinion. They're a zero to us. They're casuals. We don't fucking care slash respect their opinion. They're a zero to us.

They're nothing burgers. And we want something fries. And that's what we want. Thank you. I would say it should be a metaverse thing, but that entire thing is crumbling too. We can't attach our thing to a fad. It has to be more mainstay. Have more of a mainstay appeal than that.

See, this is why I like the theater. I want it to be, I want it to be tactile. I want it to be visceral. I want to have more of a, an experience. I definitely don't want to sit on zoom anymore. No offense. You want to like basically completely zag from the pandemic where it's like now we're all getting together performing breathing the same air for the first time in years yeah i basically for me my idea is that you move back to new york city we we write a musical and we live on Broadway. What do you think about that? That's really cool. Yeah.

Honestly, if we can write our own Book of Mormon, where we're sort of the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern side characters, not even the main stars, because we can't, like, that's too much talent and effort. We're not singers and dancers. You'd have to be, oh, you know what? We would be like the narrators. Oh, that's good. Or the King George. He comes out and then leaves and then the rest of the... Yes, exactly. In Hamilton. Right. So it's

a pop punk musical where you and I are playing our old selves, our current selves. Retelling the story of something that happened to us in high school. So then there's young, talented, like young 20s somethings kids playing high school us. Okay. So we're like uncles regaling our nibblings, which is nephews and niecesces a story about what life was like in the late 90s let me tell you something life in the late 90s wasn't exactly what you guys think it was kind of like we're talking about the 40s right or you know we could be getting a drink for the first

time after a really bad falling out in high school and that's the and then we it's all told through flashbacks of song and dance so we never have to do anything but we would we are the central characters you're right exactly but a younger version of us right exactly and then every once in a while it's old us sitting at a bar which we can just talk that's fine that's easy easy yeah exactly i could do that eight times a week for a year yeah well what about your child will they that's fine yeah it's just eight times they'd be fine because it's only eight times a week um but like from 4 30 to 8 so yeah that's sort of like the time the timing is actually not that bad. Yeah, because you'll put them down around six or seven every night,

but you won't be there for that. I won't watch them grow. I'll miss their first steps, because you didn't want the understudy to carry the weight on a Tuesday matinee one time. Right, yeah, I guess, well, it's probably ambitious to say that we'll get right to broadway we should just do a really limited run and maybe tour it around the country oh that's cool a black box theater sort of yeah style yeah right exactly off off off broadway right

all right i feel like we're eight percent of the way there now we just have to write every single song and come up with a story. Shouldn't be that hard. Should be pretty. I mean, yeah, they'll come to us. Or there's something completely separate that we should be doing. So let us know if you have an idea. Yeah, let us know.

Please do. All right. But the show isn't over yet. We still have a few more questions and answers today. And then four more episodes after that. Love it. Okay, let's take a break. Come, and then four more episodes after that. Love it. Okay, let's take a break, come back, and answer some more Qs after these messages. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do.

I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me, which is not likely because I do know a lot. Like, do you know what a nickelback does in a cover to defense? Or like, do you know what a play action passes? Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't.

I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on.

You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft kings pick six app now and use code segments that's code segments for new customers to play five dollars

on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 plus.

Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions pick six is not available everywhere including New York and Ontario void where prohibited one per new customer non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months

limited time offer see terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks DraftKings with Audible there's more to imagine when you listen. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, expert advice, any genre you love,

you can be inspired to imagine new worlds, new possibilities, new ways of thinking. And Audible makes it easy to be inspired and entertained as a part of your everyday routine without needing to set aside extra time. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their ever-growing catalog. Explore themes of friendship, loss, and hope with Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. Find what piques your imagination. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial, and your first audiobook is free.

Visit audible.ca to sign up. And we're back. Yes! Should we just call it here? Like, just phone it in? Now that I think about it. Yeah, we... Let's do the senior slide, but for the podcast. That's cool.

Rest on our laurels. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, that's another good reason we're stopping the show. I feel like we've answered every possible question known to man, but I guess there are a few leftover that we haven't addressed yet. I think we've answered them many times over, frankly, but I found a unique one. Whoa. We'll call this lady. Who's a lady from Sesame Street? Is there a lady Big Bird? Is Big Bird a woman? I truly do not know.

A female Sesame Street character. Are all of the puppets dudes? I'm trying to remember. I know I've seen Cookie Monster's cock on Sesame Street. He had a dick slip one time. Oh, Miss Piggy. That's clearly a woman. I thought she was more of a Muppet than a Sasami.

But all right, I'll allow it. Isn't Sesame Street Muppet? Is Big Bird not a Muppet? Yeah. Is it all? No, I don't. Oh, my God. Now I'm getting confused.

Is it all Jim Henson? Big Bird isn't a puppet it's all jim henson yeah okay so there's muppets and then there's muppet babies yeah because the muppet agonzo is a muppet but is he on sesame street i can know this is the new show just tell me how to get to muppet baby street whatever we're going with this lady's name is miss piggy for sure yeah and it looks like big bird is not a big big bird gender she's absolutely male wow big bird is eight foot two bright tall yellow anthropomorphic male bird whoa i don't know what to think okay so miss big big bird all right uh today i finally found myself in a predicament that i hope you can help me with i live next to an apartment complex and for the past week someone has been throwing their garbage over my fence it's a multi-building apartment complex that

surrounds the back backside and right of my house the apartment's dumpster is near the back corner of my backyard so sometimes if somebody is overzealous and throwing it it could land in my yard but this person looks like they live in one of the apartment buildings to the right side because most of the time the trash is thrown out there i suppose it's too far a walk and this is close enough for him. The worst part is the trash bags aren't tied and whatever food the guy ate is all strewn about on my grass. It's disgusting. Anyway, I called the apartment management. They said they'll put a notice out, but they don't think it'll help. Whenever I pick up the trash, I sift through it to see if there

is a name or any clue about who this person is. but alas, I haven't found anything. I finally put up a motion detection camera to catch the person in the act. But just now I heard something hit my bedroom window and I look outside and it's a box of Capri sun and a family bag of Doritos. I checked the camera and it didn't take any motion. He's like a Ninja or something. I'm upset and I don't know what else to do. Please help love. Miss piggy. Wow. See, this is a new one. This is unique. Yeah. ninja or something i'm upset and i don't know what else to do please help love miss piggy wow

um see this is a new one this is unique yeah that the building really should step up that's i i mean i guess she has no idea who it is if if she knew who it was then the building could actually do something that's right but they don't know garbage in your backyard i can't you just lay in the backyard until someone throws garbage on you and then you go hey i'm sleeping here see if it like scares the person that's true so far i think that's the best answer because yeah or you can very ferris bueller style rig something that just says hey i'm sleeping here every like eight minutes and hope that he like he throws his trash out in in that time frame i mean i think there's also a camera that you can pay for that will do a continuous record you know yeah rather than only get triggered by the motion because yeah that's i think that's

like too fast it won't like necessarily start recording so uh that's what you'd have to do you'd have to like invest in in an actual security camera even if it's a dummy camera sometimes people are afraid you can fashion like a fucking broken ring camera that faces the backyard just get a sign that says smile you're on camera like if you have a sign that says that people will be like they it'll make them think twice you are being recorded yeah it's like the trash man mean dog thing there's probably not often a mean dog on the other side yeah right just a sign that's enough deterrent but why risk it yes exactly or you can occasionally you know paintball style shoot someone that's walking by so that corner becomes kind of like

dangerous and scary no one will want to throw garbage over at the insane woman that lives in that house yeah i wouldn't do that that seems pretty fucked up because it's illegal just yeah i mean it's morally wrong to not just like i mean yeah bad across the board i'd say shooting someone is fucked up basically. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, God, we have to end the podcast if that's the advice, right?

Yeah. I don't you think like, or we can get a little more loosey goosey with like the things we're promoting. Cause like we're kind of piecing out soon. Yeah. I mean, we might want to come back.

We want people at the very least, we want them to come to our play opening, opening night. oh my god can you imagine if you're at the original off-broadway theatrical debut of 1998 it was the summer of 99 or something like that yeah yeah dude it's gonna be our generation's greece that's that's what this is going to be. Yeah, because Grease was written in the 70s, about the 50s. About the 50s. And we're writing, in 2023, we're writing a play set in 2003. Yeah, well, we'd probably want it to be a little earlier than that, right?

2002. Yeah, but still after 9-11 are you thinking yeah i think it has to be i don't think it can be a pre-9-11 world i think i think most of the punk rock that i know came out in 2003 well i guess when did enema of the state come out it can be then i would think 97 like it was late 90s i thought you would know more me. But it all felt very pre-9-11. Like there was no issues wrong with the world. So people were rapping about like. 1999, yeah.

Yeah, my girlfriend gets me Mexican food and that's nice. There were no issues at the time. Okay, fine. But I think it should be set in 2001, but summer of 2001. August. The entire thing is leading up to 9-11 and we never address it the year is 2001 it's august 30th and then takes place over 10 days and we're out yeah just before school starts on tuesday jesus christ listen to yourself. You started it, dude.

I do. Yeah. No, I think, I guess for some reason I was thinking 2003, but only because it was my senior year, but I'll just, I could suspend my reality. I think 2000 is nice. Or you could be in 10th grade. Yeah, yeah. 2000.

So let's say 2000. Okay. That's cool. Y2K, Will Smith. Right. okay that's cool uh y2k will smith right getting jiggy style dancing music videos etc it's all right it's fertile ground exactly right exactly and with we can't make it to 90s we can't make it early 90s nickelodeon it's got to be like it's it's got to be that like uh pop punk era it's late 90s it's mark tom and travis running around

nude uh and what's my age again that's all right and how old were they in that song um the lyric is nobody likes you when you're 23 right i don't know if that's how old they were it must have been a little older than 23 okay there's all right out that's it for now a lot of information so you guys digest let us know hit us back email still open if you got your own questions now's your chance we're disappearing forever uh or theme songs uh if i were you show at gmail.com yeah get them in get them in there's only four more episodes folks but as always um more jake and amir's on the youtube the headgum's youtube youtube.com more um patreon weekly videos on patreon.com slash ja yeah jobs so we're we're gone but not

forgotten uh and the opening theme song, of course, Alex. Remember Alex Gerges? How could I forget? That was a theme song. It looked like an original or something, or maybe he used a famous rap beat and rapped over it. Right. And he says, anyway, good day,

and thank you for being a chipmunk to the people. So thank you guys, and thanks to Alex, and thank you for being a chipmunk to the people. So thank you guys. And thanks to Alex. And thanks to everyone out there who's listened to us for 9.9 years. Here's to 0.1 more, baby. Let's go out with a bang, everybody. See you guys next week. Ciao for now.

Bye. Bye. What would you do if you want me? I sent a dick pic from my gallery. for now. Bye. Now I'm living in a tree What would you do if you were me? I read a book I read a book I read a book book book book book I read a book about a beaver Became a beaver myself Now I'm living in a beaver dam Surrounded by elves I'm Santa fucking Beaver Claws Sleeping with the fishes Cause I really need some adipose For doing all the dishes y'all Better help me out today I take my girl from my pique I ate a fucking fish filet

I always knew that come a day this may rain over me. I took a lot of LSD. So help me please seize these cheese pieces. I'm laying down. I'm praying, yo. Don't know what I'm saying, though. And so I think it's time to go. Yo, what up, dudes?

I love the show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yep. Yes. That was a Hiddem original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match.

They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.