Segments - 586: Modern Bar Mitzvah

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

In this episode we discuss breaking up, waking up, and Daniel Craig. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. I need advice. I don't know who I am tonight Give me something to think about on this long drive Is it supposed to feel this empty all the fucking time?

How do I get this off of my mind You okay bud? Hey bud What should I do About this thing I'm going through I can always

count on you to tell the truth All these difficult things feel so much easier with you I just wanna know what you would do if i were you if i were you great i mean yeah that was awesome you're okay you're okay you're okay that really yeah that made me feel some type of way it put me in a mood it chillaxed my attitude actually it's like uh it was bright eyes style connor oberst These things take forever. I'll just have to wait and see. Wait and see.

Yeah. It's like that song deserves to not be a podcast intro. That's a standalone. It's rare that we get a standalone song. That's a standalone song, our podcast aside. Honored to be mentioned, honestly. It was by a guy from Ireland. That's why it was good.

Yeah. Yeah. The Irish, they have that umber in their voice. I really love it. I think you have to have the soul of someone that just sort of exists in a cloudy, dreary atmosphere,

but all the time to the point where it makes your sort of heart pure a constant mist that's what you need a guy from san diego can't just like blink 182 is from san diego you know what i mean exactly you don't like yeah you don't have sunny days and then write that right no that the the sunny days are uh it'd be nice to have a blow job from your mind that's that's the blink attitude and there's room in my heart for both I'll say that yeah everybody is a little bit Ireland and a little bit San Diego but that's why we should all be

living in Kansas City who's who's the happiest musician from Ireland that thought that also doesn't happen I guess dropkick Murdoch yeah Bono but just because he's loaded. All right. That was Ian Andrew. That's his name.

Ian? Yeah. I-A-I-N. I-A-I-N. Ian. Yeah. Ian. Ian.

Oh, Ian, don't you know? It says people can find me on Instagram, I-A-I-N, Andrew Music. Cool. Or just search Iain Andrew on Spotify and Apple Music and stuff. Right. That one, it's a good one to start with like our final, what is this, fourth to last episode now? This one plus three others? Our slide into oblivion yeah and this you know we were talking about the not late 90s musical last week yeah maybe this guy can help us write that because he seems to like have his shit together

musically yeah we have been we've been curating musicians for the last, I guess, decade. Gareth is really he's the guy that should be doing all of the instrumentals. Right. I'll reach out to him. Although I was thinking about like because it's a late 90s musical. Do you think it's entirely pop punk or is it like can we have like it touches on all the late 90s musical tropes like like Christina Aguilera or Eminem. You know, like, hi, my name is, can that be part of the musical?

Yeah, that's pretty interesting, actually. And then that's also every kind of, the cliques in school, like these are the kids that listen to hip hop, these are the punks, these are the ones that like the Backstreet Boys. Right, boy bands. Will Smith. that like the backstreet boys right boy bands will smith so like the protagonist the main character i guess that that would be me and you so our character you're like the eminem and i'm the tom delong so your character has some

some rap ballads yeah mine is all pop punk right yeah Yeah. Then we got some Christina Aguilera, some Backstreet Boys, some Slipknot. Silver chair. Freak on a leash. Yeah. They should all be leading up to one day seeing Carson Daly outside. Holy shit. I heard his cousin seeing Carson Daly outside. Holy shit. I heard his cousin saw Carson Daly once. His cousin saw Carson Daly.

See, that's the kind of good stuff that I'm excited about peppering that in. Growing up in the suburbs, nothing exciting ever happened. I feel like now that I've lived in New York for a long time, I see celebrities a lot. But I remember when I first moved here, I like saw someone on the street and it was like a guy that was on one season of Real World. And I emailed all of my friends. Which guy? I forget now. It was, it was, it was Puck. Maybe it was Maybe his name was Steven. Puck would be famous enough that I'd still be interested.

They don't make real world anymore, right? I don't think so. I think real world and road rules stopped, and then they just started making the challenge, which is old versions of those people playing games. Right. Yeah, yeah. The old cast going against each other. But I would assume they would need to like still keep those shows up to feed into the challenge, but I guess not. You would

think so. I guess they're like, we're okay with these people being 40 and 50 years old. Which is weird because that's not the MTV ethos. That's not their vibe. Yeah. Remember Real World Seattle where some guy slapped a female housemate and then it got kicked off the show? God. Yes, kind of.

That's insane. Back then, reality shows were so new. It was just like, these guys live in a house and that's fine. That's enough for now. That's all. Yeah. We don't need to think of a gimmick yet. Imagine if seven people hung out.

Isn't that insane? Like a dating show or no, they're just sort of talking. They'll be roommates. Yeah. And then I feel like in later seasons of the real world too, they like vaguely gave them a job. Like,

right. Like in Hawaii, they like vaguely gave them a job. Right. Like in Hawaii, they like worked at a restaurant. Like, all right, sometimes they'll be at this restaurant, but mostly not. Mostly not. They definitely don't care about the, they're not getting fired, right? Yeah, they can't. They can't get fired because they're probably also getting paid to be on the show. Yeah.

I also remember thinking how sick the real world house was and now thinking about it like everyone was sharing a room yeah there were like four to seven people in a single room yeah it sounds kind of rough and then like the night vision is like college though of people like hooking up just like you can see the bed moving, but like we don't know what's going on, but they have to wear microphones. That was the hottest shit when I was 14. This is all fodder for the musical. That's right. So you're in now. Yeah.

Now I'm like starting to the vision is starting to get clearer and clearer. And the idea of like parodying popular songs from 1997 to 1999 is pretty good. Yeah, that's the vision right there. That's the goal. Yeah, it's Can't Hardly Wait-esque. Only that one just took place in the 90s and was made in the 90s.

Right, exactly. Oh yeah, it's a musical, can't hardly wait. What a great movie that was. We should watch that for research, for sure. Somebody told me that they recently rewatched it and it was pretty awesome for the first half and then it starts to get pretty dated and bad. I can't quite remember why. i'm not trying to remember what

have i don't i can't remember anything from the movie except that seth green is wearing like goggles yeah he's locked in a bathroom okay he gets locked in a bathroom he ends up hooking up with whoever they're in the bathroom with yeah is everyone like trying to get laid this last night at the party or Or is that American Pie? There is a, yeah, that's sort of every movie that was made in the 90s.

But I think that one, Can't Hardly Wait is like a graduation party and Ethan Embry's like trying to finally talk to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yeah. And he has a letter.

He's got a letter for her. To give her, yeah, That's right. That movie made every hopeless guy write a letter. I had letters too. And it's like, I could, yeah, you have no personality or skills.

You're not cool. You have acne. But like one thing that I had, I could write a letter. That's a good song. I could fucking say all this stuff. Yeah. It's really true. It's really true. It's just about being self-aware about everybody in high school. I still don't know what the big lesson to take away is. Didn't we also joke around once? Yeah. We also joked around once where it was like,

kind of like in the pop punk version of the song, it's like the flavor of the week, the boyfriend doesn't appreciate the girl. But like in reality, it's like, yeah, the cheerleader should be with the captain of the football team. Like, who are you? You fucking freak-o, nerd loser. Well, I'm just a guy that's obsessed with you. So you should be with me. He actually does listen to me and he does love me. Really?

Yeah. We're both really hot too. Yeah. By the way really hot too. Yeah. By the way, you don't know me at all. No, I guess not. I've never spoken to you. You don't know anything about me? No, you don't know anything about me.

We talk on the phone for five hours every night. Shit. I didn't know that. You're Nintendo. I wrote you a letter. I thought I could just kind of like poke at a raw nerve. Sorry about that. Yeah, we're Nintendo. I wrote you a letter. I thought I could just kind of like poke at a raw nerve. I'm sorry about that. Yeah, we're awesome.

And we're going to have like a great long relationship. Shit. Yeah, I think the thesis is that it doesn't matter and you're wrong. So it seems like we're the heroes of the story just because we're the nerds. But it turns out that the heroes were the hot people all along. They were right. Or it's, yeah, I guess it's like that was their time. And your time can come later.

So you don't have to be the star. I do have that theory that you can only be cool for 10 years. So it's like you're going to do it in high school. But then you could be like the, was it the Jerry O'Connell character that like comes back and he's like still hanging out with high schoolers? Yeah. It's like, Oh,

you wasted your cool years in high school or like you're a loser in high school and college. And then you become successful afterwards. But like you, everybody has this 10 year window. Totally. Mine, mine absolutely happened 25 to 35, but it was window. Totally. Mine absolutely happened.

25 to 35. But it was a good run. That's a great run. That's a good window to peek. Yeah. I think that worked. Yeah. It worked great for me.

All right. But for now, we still got questions to answer. This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted past tense by us. I'm Amir. That's right. I'm Jake. Not for much longer. Speaking of 10-year anniversary,

somebody posted on our Reddit that One Almond came out exactly 10 years ago today as of recording. I hope you got that domain on auto-renew, bud. Yeah, it's still up there, onealma.com

i've paid probably 90 for that nine dollars a year for a decade yeah someone's gonna buy it off us for a billion someday uh okay here's a random ass question i found and i say random ass not lightly have you seen the knives out movies yes okay so this is a lady we'll call um danielle craig and it'll make sense when you get there okay okay uh hey guys uh i love the knives out movies and i saw the original theaters and watched it four or five more times before the sequel came out. And I've seen Glass Onion at least three times now. And I think they're perfect movies, super well-written, funny, and well-developed characters. My boyfriend, however, has a big problem with them. He argues that Daniel Craig's accent is in poor taste, specifically

disrespectful and derogatory to Southerners who get made fun of their accents in real life. At first, I was a little hurt that my partner would shit on something I liked so much, but I understand now he has a legit objection. I think the accent was done in good fun, and nothing about Benoit Blank's character is particularly demeaning towards the accent. As an actor, I think Daniel Craig should be allowed to make those decisions. But my boyfriend has come around to admitting that the movies are well written. And I think he does have a point that use of the accents can be harmful. I know none of you are from the South. So do you have any insight as for this particular instance? But I'm curious whether you think knives out would be better off without

Daniel Craig's fog horn, leg horn esque accent. Interesting. Okay. Okay. So did you, you watched both knives outs? I watched both.

Yes. I liked the first one. I thought the second one was God awful. I thought it was. Were you offended by the accent? TryHard has been kind of like a shittier rehashing of the same thing. Anyway, that said, I did not have a problem with Daniel Craig's accent. I can understand.

I wouldn't tell someone they couldn't be offended by it. But I also think that like using the context of the movie, he's like, he's kind of like the hero of it. And it does. I don't think it like casts anybody in a negative light. I don't know. It's like,

what do you want then? Do you want like either an authentically Southern person doing that role? Or do you want Danielig to not play a character it seems weird to me that like movies should have characters in them and i like hearing accents and i can understand if you're doing it in an offensive way and like you're you know playing him as like a dumb hillbilly or something maybe that's more offensive, but is he dumb in the movie? Honestly, even then,

no, he's incredibly smart in the movie. So what's the beef? The accent is done in a loving way. It seems. Yeah. I think that it's good for actors to be able to make choices. And I like hearing different accents in movies.

Have you ever been offended? Have you like ever been, ever been offended? Um, yeah, once or twice for like, I, somebody,

uh, called me the K word in college. And that was offensive. Yeah. That's as direct as it gets. It's not like I heard an accent or I saw somebody or I read this thing. It's like someone looked at you and used a derogatory term. They used a slur.

Yeah. And I said, you can't say that. You mean knucklehead, right? Yeah. Right I said, you can't say that. You mean knucklehead, right? Yeah, right. Exactly. So I guess that was, I mean, yeah, sure. I get offended from time to time. But this is like an extreme, like seemingly overreaction. Like there, a guy is using an accent that you have, like, imagine like me watching, don't mess with the Zohan or, and hearing an Israeli accent and getting offended or you watching Get Out and then they make fun of white people from Connecticut or something like that. Were you offended by that?

Right. Yeah. It has the energy of somebody being like reverse sexism is a bigger issue. It's like I could I can understand some kind of like some representation stuff and some offensive accents and like some casting choices are really dumb. Like when they cast what what's her name? Emma Stone to play like a Pacific Islander or something like. Right. Yes. By and large, I think that movies are kind of, movies and TV, it feels like actors being able to use accents should be in play.

Yeah. So overall, I would say, I would imagine if you have a Southern accent, maybe you're already predisposed to being offended by people using Southern accents in things. Right. But it's kind of like I think it'd be kind of, I don't know. I guess I don't have like that unique of an accent. But I would maybe think that it'd be fun for me to like hear. If Daniel Craig was doing a Connecticut accent, accent i think that was cool i'd be like wow i need to be from connecticut look at him not saying the t in mountain that's all it is

kind of mountain yeah jesus you're so offended yeah that's that's all that it is that's all it is it's my fucking home state you asshole that's all that it is connect it you don't say any of the t's in connecticut connect it uh all right so uh the specific question was knives out would be better off without daniel craig's foghorn leghorn accent yay or nay I don't think it would be better off uh and you know that's that's with the the caveat that I hated the second movie yeah but I like Daniel Craig and I thought he did a great job uh all right let's take a break thank some sponsors come back and answer more questions after these. Okay. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? I do not. Doth you?

I think I talked about this once. I guess I can give an update on my trying to breathe through my nose journey. Yes, the saga. Yes, it is an epic tale of highs and lows. Right. An Iliad, a poem of sorts. Yeah. So I've been hearing more and more through both Avital and Instagram posts that corroborate the story that breathing through your nose is just healthier.

Right. Like mouth breathing, of course, it looks visually stupid. Nobody wants to just sit there with their mouth agape while they're doing anything. But it's also, I guess, better oxygen you're getting through your nose, better for your structure, better for your health overall. I heard it's also kind of, or at least my dentist said it was bad for your teeth to be a mouth breather while you're sleeping. Yeah. Okay. So the first step is just trying to keep your mouth closed at when you're awake. That's like when I can literally be awake to control it.

So when I find myself just in my car, mouth open, I'll close it and try to train myself to breathe through my nose. Even though I'm convinced my nasal passage is narrow. But then the second step is to try to train yourself to do it while you sleep. I've never been a mouth closed while sleeping guy. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah. So the first step I did was nasal strips, which wide, like you put it on your nose and then it opens up and widens your nasal passages while you're asleep.

How? It's like, it's like has little metal in it that's meant to be flat so that when you push it in to stick to your nose, it like tries to get back to this position, even though it's like stuck to your nose. So it's like stuck to your nose. Interesting. Opening it, trying to get back to flat, but it's glued to your nostrils. I see. That's cool.

And then the second thing, which I don't know how healthy slash good, so I'm not fully recommending, though I've tried it, is now mouth tape. You've tried the mouth tape? You were worried you were going to die. Correct. I was worried I was going to die, so I tried it just as I

was going to sleep one day. And turns out, like, if I'm actually going to die, I just open my out like if I'm actually gonna die, I just open my, like the tape is not so like hard that it's creeping my mouth shut. Like over the course of the night, I'll just finally like just slam my mouth open. The tape is no match.

The tape is no match for my desire to breathe through my mouth. But I've been using it. But you've been using it. But you've been using it half the night, probably breathing through the nose. Yeah, probably a little less. Are you sleeping better? Well, what I've been trying to do is like,

I fall asleep without it on so that I don't have the stress of like wearing it while I'm trying to sleep. And then when Avital goes to sleep, which is invariably after me, she'll be like, okay, I'm falling asleep. I'm like, all right. So then in my half a sleep state,

I just like put it on and like pass out. I'm like barely awake throughout the whole process. And then when I wake up in the morning, it's off. So I'm like, I don't know what's going on, where it came off or on. If I'm even breathing through my nose because it also has a little slit over the mouth that I can still like slightly breathe in case of emergency.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. So it's a real baby step towards my journey of being a mouth closed sleeper. Yeah. Right. Well, that is interesting though. Yeah. It's quite interesting.

If anyone has made a full transition, please let me know. It seems like it's a really hard thing to train yourself not to do. Yeah. Is the idea at the end of this that you're, that you're, you know, nose breathing in your sleep on your own, or are you training yourself to not crack through the tape? Are you, I think, even if you are a mouth breather, you go to bed with nothing. Yeah. I'm hoping, yeah, that I go to bed with nothing, but I think it is still beneficial for people who do it naturally because I guess it like makes, ensures that you're only breathing through your nose, which I guess is better rest.

I don't know. Now I'm curious too, like if this is just like getting older and we never really thought about any of this stuff. Because like back in the day, I, you know, it was just brushing your teeth and you're trying to remember to floss. And like, that was it.

You go to bed. But now, now I've got the floss, the water pick, the toothbrush, the face wash, the serum, the lotion,

the eye mask. It's like, it's just too much. I would love to get back to the place where you just don't have to really think about doing anything before bed. I think that's aging. I think that's age. Yeah. Like when you're 12, you can eat fast food and it just, your body's like, this is fine. I'm still growing and making shit. And then like food and it just, your body's like, this is fine. I'm still growing and making shit. And then like at a certain point, your body's slowly dying.

You're like, okay, I have to treat food like healthy energy source and not just eat whatever tastes good. I have to maximize sleep and energy. Sometimes I feel tired enough that I don't need my eye mask. So I've been going to bed without it. I think I could train myself out of the eye mask. I guess I can't train myself out of flossing because that's a good habit. Yeah. You want to keep your teeth in your mouth as long as possible. Are you still not drinking alcohol? Is that still happening? Yeah. Not drinking alcohol. Dry, dry, dry. Sober. Yeah. I actually went to Jill's cousin's bar mitzvah this weekend and i know it

doesn't really sound like that's a hard place to not drink but i mean family events i think people generally like to drink uh but they also had basil hayden's behind the bar which is one of my favorite favorite whiskey uh and i refrained and it was still a lovely time uh and the next day i felt great how was what was the theme um it was sort of it was like sports sports theme sports heavy yeah um there was like the dude tell you what i don't maybe this happened for you in la um because there was like more more cash to splash around and in that area but like our our bar mitzvahs were like not very um extravagant affairs this was, it was like nicer than my wedding probably. It wasn't just at a banquet hall or restaurant. Oh no.

There was valet. You got there, the kids had their own room and then the adults had like a buffet with cuisine from all over the world. Sushi, Chinese, Mexican, Italy. And I was like wandering around. I was like, this is like the nicest bar mitzvah

I'd ever been to. And then I realized that that wasn't, that was only the cocktail hour. Then they opened the doors to like the big hall. Some of the best food I ever had. They like gave everybody, everybody in the family had like a WWE style entrance with like everyone going insane does that include you party favors no god thank god um the party favors that they threw out were

like uh authentic nba jerseys wow which one did you get it, I tried to get a LeBron one, but somebody else caught it and I didn't want it. And it was a 13 year old, so I didn't make the scene. This is why you got to get hammered so you can just fucking elbow teenagers for jerseys. The saddest thing is I went home and I bought it on eBay because I liked it so much. Yeah. Didn't I give you a LeBron jersey? You did, but this one is really cool. I mean, I still have the other one too,

but this one is, um, it's like, it's the blue, uh, it's, it's the blue rec one that just says Los Angeles and like cursive on it. And James on the back,

I'll send you a picture of it. Sick. Yeah. It'll be, it'll be arriving. Yeah. It's so, it's so tight.

Um, so where was the bar mitzvah was it like in manhattan no it was in new jersey so maybe like 30 minutes from manhattan north northern new jersey like on a golf course it was it was very fucking nice jesus that's awesome. Yeah. Also, just so like the kids, they're all, it's, I'd never been, I hadn't been to a bar mitzvah, I don't think since like my little brother's bar mitzvah. Right. So it's weird how. Were they still playing the same games? Were they doing the Macarena? They played Coke and Pepsi.

Really? They played Coke and Pepsi. Yeah. Wow. That was the highlight. That was like the last thing they did was like all right we're clearing the floor like we're playing coke and pepsi i believe the winner got some twenty five thousand dollars cash yeah it was it was amazing some things really are the exact same they still

had they had the dj and three like backup dancers to get the party going the girls were all five seven the boys were all four foot eleven yeah yes exactly do you see a group of cool boys untucked shirts running around yeah also sweaty like all the boys dancing together all the girls off to the side and then the funniest thing is when i went to the bathroom i saw some of the bad kids out of the hall doing something but when i came they just looked fucking guilty i used to be you and now i don't drink so that i sleep better do you guys have a water pick did? They closed the sushi bar and I was looking for some. Yeah. A 12-year-old kicks you in the shins.

Ah! Hey! Come on. I like the California roll is all. Oh, come on. I'll buy you kids drugs. My old man used to do it for me. Yeah.

I'm not drinking. It doesn't mean you don't have to flask you get arrested oh come on yeah we don't really drink the cool kids now just are like are into books and poetry yeah the cool kids are into not drinking they're into the same stuff you are we're just we're mature we're until then there were some kids that were just there were some kids that were just on their phones too and i was like damn that's a that's a weird thing i never had to deal with that all right i guess we were just we never had any distractions once you leave the house it's just like you can't look at anything yeah but i was

pretty impressed by it like the the kids in the hallway were on their phones, but the ones in the bar mitzvah, no phones. More adults than kids. Also funny that like, I feel like at a wedding, it's kind of sad to be like sitting at a table and just looking at the dance floor. But the bar mitzvah, there's really nothing else to do. I danced a bit, but the floor is really dominated by 13 year olds playing weird games.

So you kind of do just have to watch you're just a bystander you and jill should have done coke and pepsi just fucking sprint down using your long legs to beat everybody she got she basically did try she tried to play with her dad and i and they they did she's seven months pregnant. They did one round and like she was supposed to run towards him. And I just saw all of these kids like bumping into her. And I was like, no, no, no, no, this can't happen. This cannot happen. So then you played with her dad.

Yeah, then me and her dad won. Do you think you could have beaten those kids? Like, are they like like are we gotten to a point where 13 year olds can run faster than us i think i could have i think i can outrun them for sure yeah yeah because they're not tall they're not quite tall yet yeah but they also playing coke and pepsi do you remember the rules because it's coke you run to one side pepsi you run to the other yeah um sprite you meet in the other. Yeah. Sprite, you meet in the middle. And Dr. Pepper, I believe, is a false, like you can't start or if you do, you're out. We played Pepsi 7-Up and there was no fourth beverage.

Oh, yeah. Okay. So Pepsi 7-Up, you just run to one side or the other? Mm-hmm. Yeah, we did Coke and Pepsi. And I think it was either 7-Up or Dr. Pepper. It's like a false start. So you're not supposed to run, but if you start to, you stop, you're out.

Simon Says style. Yeah. The amount of kids that got got by that, I was floored. I was like, you have to listen. You have to listen. You to listen you obviously don't care about winning you scolding a 12 year old listen do you want it or not jersey give me the lebron jersey because i tell you the king wouldn't appreciate your lack of discipline really do they have plastic hats and sunglasses and tchotchkes on the dance floor too

they had a photo booth they had some of those like glow-in-the-dark uh light things yeah but no like they gave him they gave this dude like a cold air blast like foam gun at the at the stage they had pyrotechnics behind him it was it wasn't like the hey we're tossing out inflatable guitars like at my bar mitzvah it was legit and then the music selection was it like modern songs like nicki minaj and drake and whatever or is it still like jock jams from the 90s like that was already for this for the 90s it or like jock jams from the 90s like that was all ready for this for the 90s it it or like jock jams maybe from like 10 years ago like apple bottom jeans came on and like everybody went ham for it even though that song is older than the 13 year olds there

yeah but the kids liked it and the adults liked it and there were a lot of songs like that like they played taylor swift i think the last few songs they played, I didn't recognize. And Jill told me they were from TikTok and the kids all danced to that. But I, I mean, for the most part, it was,

it was definitely, it was kind of like wedding music, the hits for everyone. Right. Whoop. There it is. Who let the dogs out? Yeah.

Yeah. Man, I haven't been to a bot. I guess my nieces had bat mitzvahs but that was still years and years ago yeah yeah it's a it's a fun vibe we should probably start going to more yeah we should start going to more bar mitzvahs for research at the very least yeah i don't know for what project but just for our own personal research. Our own personal game. All right. Let's take another break.

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one,

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz, with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we're back yo as we wind down our show i figure it's time to answer some classic questions uh not that we've answered this one specifically before but it's it's a style of question we get a lot that i usually don't answer but you know what since it's uh towards the end of our run, why don't we try to give this guy some classic breakup advice? Oh, all right. My bread and butter.

Exactly. We'll call this guy Brendan Butter. Nice. In July of last year, I got into my first relationship, which was great and beautiful. and I had an incredible time with her. We started dating in Boston, but then moved back to our home in the UK, long distance. Over the last three months or so, life got really tough for me, which resulted in a very difficult January, which led me to breaking up with her. It was messy, and it went about as poorly, to be completely honest, as possible, keeping it going for weeks too long. Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty dreadful and I need some advice to help me get through this time. I've been listening to If I Were You for the millionth time to get through this breakup, but man, it's tough. Hopefully you get around to this.

Well, the first thing I can say to this is that you have already done the hardest part the hardest part is breaking up getting all that stuff out there hurting someone never feels good um and second part still not, but the second part is healing and it just takes time. Yeah. Try not to be so hard on yourself. The hardest part is probably like psyching yourself up and thinking about how you're going to do it. Like, should I do this? All right.

Then it's like an overwhelming, gnawing feeling. You're like, now I have to do it. When am I going to do it? To the other person, see it coming at all. Yeah. The worst for me, the worst part was always after I decided I needed to because I'd always be like, you know, waffling. And then once I decide that I need to,

that time in between knowing that you need to and actually doing it because you're like, when? It's never a good time. Oh, she's got a test coming up. I can't do it now. Oh, she's upset about having this fight with her mom i can't do it now but what am i going to do break up with her when she's in a good mood that's fucking cruel so you never really know what to do um but then it's cathartic at least for me it was cathartic

once once you finally do get to do it but then you have to live with the fact that you hurt somebody so like we said not easy but i do think you're through the fact that you hurt somebody. So like we said, not easy, but I do think you're through the worst part. And I think you can only make it worse on yourself if you start to second guess yourself, start to be like, I should have done it a different way. The point is, it's really hard. You were able to do it.

Congratulations. And now you're just resetting for the next phase of your life. Right. And the best way is one time like waiting and two like maybe finding somebody else eventually to take your feelings from that person to the next one. Yeah. And reconnect with your friends, your family,

people that were there for you before your relationship, things that brought you joy before then because chances are they'll bring you joy again. Right. And also lean into the things that you can do now that you're a singles man. So if there's anything that you wanted to do but didn't have the time to do because you were in a relationship, now you can do it. So you can lean into that stuff. I'll also tell you really, really basic, but music, music. I feel like there were a lot of breakup songs that I had that would get me just like feeling

amped and hopeful for the future. Yeah. Do you like listening to happy songs when you're sad? Or do you like just like, let me wallow in this sadness and try to cry it out, reach rock bottom? The best song to listen to when you're feeling any type of way is uh pursuit of happiness by kid cuddy because it's kind of sad but emotional or you can listen to the opening theme song to this podcast which is yeah um dreary irish sea shanty i mean this guy's

from the uk he gets it right right yeah you know. But yeah, this was also, you kept it going for weeks too long now that that part is hopefully behind you. It's all uphill from here. Exactly. Also, the weather's gonna get better, which should help. Nobody's, it's hard to get happy when it's cold and gray out.

It's true. Having a difficult January seems like a thing that a lot of people have difficulty with. So at least know that you're not alone. You know what's a great song is Long December. Talking about songs and being sad during the winter. And that one's got a hopeful fucking solo at the end. And it ends with the classic Adam Duritz.

Yeah. We should definitely include that in our musical yeah when did long december long december and i came out like the mid 90s right yeah maybe this year will be better than yeah Counting Crows was like 94 ish long December 96 alright oh that's in play that's in play early but often yeah

okay listen to music wait a while do some fun things and you'll get a you'll get over it sooner or later nobody's been sad about a breakup forever, right? Right. Right? First, right?

A forever sadness? I don't think so. Like I'm 40 and I'm still sad about the breakup from when I was 19? Yeah, that would actually be kind of fucked up. That's messed up, man. That shouldn't happen. Did you try listening to Long December yet? At the very least, Pursuit of Happiness.

Alright, feel better. Let us know how it goes. Give us a follow-up up to how happy you are in a week or two. Best April ever. Also, long distance makes it easier, too. You won't see this person. It seems like she lives thousands of miles away. Yeah.

That I think that's, that's, that is helpful. Focus on the things that are nearby. Um, all right, that's it. Thanks so much for listening.

Thanks for watching. If you're watching, um, thanks for submitting your theme songs, your questions, only a few episodes left. So send them on down to, if I were your show at gmail.com. That's right. Only a few episodes left. So send them on down to ifireashowatgmail.com.

That's right. Send them while you can. And we're still making videos on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA, of course. Ja, that's right. And I'm still doing my taxes. If anyone has advice on that, just going through the numbers and trying to crunch all the income V expenses.

Maybe that could be our next podcast. I don't know. A tax advice podcast? I think we get worse at our taxes every year. Which is hard to imagine because we're supposed to be getting wiser with age. Right. No. It's worse and worse every year.

I think the trick is to stay on top of it, but as soon as you do your taxes, the last thing you want to do is look at them for another year. Yeah. It's all about that estimated payment, that estimated quarterly payment. Call your dad. Let's get him on the horn. I mean, what percentage of people are audited? Sam would know. Yeah, he might. It's got to be under 1%. Anyway. Okay. Let's listen to that theme song again by Jan. Jan.

Ian. Ian. Am I overthinking it? I-A. Ian. A-I-N. I-A-I-N. Ian.

Yeah. Jan. Ian. Ian. Andrew from Dublin. And we'll be back. Thank you. Ian yeah Ian Andrew from Dublin and we'll be back still next week I think in person too oh that's right

right here in New York baby that's right see you soon later I need advice I don't know who I am tonight Give me something to think about on this long drive Is it supposed to feel this empty all the fucking time? Fuckin' time How do I get this off of my mind? What should I do?

About this thing I'm going through I can always count on you to tell the truth All these difficult things feel so much easier with you I just want to know what you would do If I were you If I were you That was a Hiddem Original. provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them.

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