Segments - 59: Preach

Episode Date: February 6, 2014

In this BONUS THURSDAY episode we discuss whether or not books make for good gifts, and also anal sex. This episode is brought to you by NiceLaundry.com -- high quality socks, for very low prices. Do us a favor and check 'em out -- http://bit.ly/NLJakeAmir See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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that likes having cool socks already? Or would you use coupon code Jake? Knowing full well that I'm a guy who doesn't even have cool socks. So I need it than anybody don't i don't you just undersold yourself blumenfeld you just walked into my trap you just said you want to use me the guy who already has the cool socks or do you want to use jake the guy who needs the socks you're hurting me yeah good not only that but if you do use our discount coupon code, send us, forward us that receipt, and we'll give you a shout-out next time we pimp out nicelaundry.com. Don't believe us? Nice. You should never trust anyone.

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They absolutely did. So here it is. If I were you, you got a problem or you made a big mistake. If I were you, email your questions to Amir and Jake. If I were you, their dope advice, it really is the bomb. If I were you. If I were you show at gmail.com If I were you. If I were you.

If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. The show starts now. Toe-da, baby. That's throwback.

Throwback to your first theme song that you wrote. The original theme song. Yeah, 58 episodes ago. 58 episodes ago. The best song, and not one intro has topped it yet. But I love that everybody's out there still trying. Preach. Preach what? I don't know. I like saying preach after I finish talking, so it there still trying. Preach. Preach what?

I don't know. I like saying preach after I finish talking, so it feels like someone else said it. So you're not even disguising your voice. You're just saying preach. No, not yet. You just say preach. So you finish a sentence. Oh, like Jake Hurwitz.

Jake Hurwitz, that dude's the man. Preach. Like, shit. Everybody agrees with that. But nobody agreed. It's just you saying preach. Well, if you yell preach, then other people, shit. Like, everybody agrees with that. But nobody agreed. It's just you saying preach. Well, if you yell preach, then other people are like, whoa, that guy's right. I agree.

I would say that's not true. Preach. How dare you. Nobody yelled preach. That was you. Everyone saw it. Preach! So, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me and you.

I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. Preach. I realize you didn't say that at the live show. Oh, really? Yeah, I think that's like one of the only episodes you didn't say it. Unless I was just drunk. Which is also true.

That I was drunk. Yeah. I don't know. Can you imagine doing a live show sober at this point? I can imagine doing one of our college shows, like the Jake and Amir show. Yeah, sorry, a live podcast. Oh, no, I would be way too nervous.

So it's a nerves thing. Yeah, I need to get drunk so I can go out there and be loose and talk otherwise. But you're not drunk when we'd record the regular podcast, this one. Yeah, well, this time I'm not in front of any people, so it's easy for me to be open and talk otherwise. But you're not drunk when we'd record the regular podcast, this one. Yeah, well, this time I'm not in front of any people, so it's easy for me to be open and honest. But in a room full of strangers, it's really hard for me to be honest. Right, you have to have that social lubricant.

It's kind of like going out to a bar in general. It's hard to be sober while everyone else is talking to everyone. Right, exactly. It's hard to approach people when you're stone sober. What we're saying is it's better to be drunk. Always. If you want to be sociable, if you want to be funny and good, you need to be drunk. And bad.

And then when you're too drunk, you become way worse. Did we ever, oh man, remember how funny it was before when we were in the green room and we were getting ready for the show and we were listening. We were like pulling whiskey from the bottle, listening to A$AP Rocky

and like jumping around and dancing like two excited little school boys. Just like getting fucking amped for the show. Like, we're gonna do this. All right, come on. It's Twig and Whiskey, Twig and Whiskey. Oh, wow, for the night, jumping around. All of a sudden, the stage manager at UCB

is just standing in the corner like, hey, are you guys ready to go out? Yeah, no. It was the saddest thing I've ever felt a part of. We already feel a little out of place at UCB because it's a place that's just filled with a history of rich performers and doing comedy for the stage. And we're not entirely that. So we already feel a little bit out of place. We're back there

desecrating the green room the sacred place drinking whiskey so we can answer questions about um pooping and anal sex on our podcast in front of everybody that's right but you know what it turned out all right i think so yeah well you don't remember any of it i blacked out my dad my daddy listened to it all right when you called him a bitch i yeah i don't even really remember that because i i got an email from my dad this morning and he signed it with love the little bitch in your eyes and i was like did i call my dad a bitch on the podcast i was so drunk what happened did i call my dad a bitch in front of 50 000 people instead of being mortified i was just my heart was warmed that he listened to it.

Yeah. And it is nice that he didn't take offense to it. Yeah. It was a wink. We winked at each other this morning through the email. It was nice. Winky. Hi, Daddy.

And your way of winking is calling him a little bitch and him acknowledging it. Yes. And it's funny because it came on the tail end of a really intellectual, thoughtful response about taxes. Oh, yeah. My dad sent us a tax email. In order to break down your LLC income vis-a-vis your 1099s and W-4s, you need to make sure that blah, blah, blah. Love the little bitch in your eyes. And then below that, any legal advice given in this document like the signature of his law firm.

Which he doesn't have on most of his emails he just had to give them to you yeah i did it yeah um all right so how does this podcast work we did this on the live one how does it work how does it work yes yeah uh we have an email address if i were you show at gmail.com and people who find themselves in difficult places in their lives uh in need of advice, will email us, and we'll do our best to advise them out of their sticky situations. These emails are all real. We can't stress that enough.

These are real emails from real people. We just give them fake names to, you know, preserve their anonymity. What? What, dude? what what dude you just look to me when you're done it's like you're a little you're like a little a little kid you uh oh my god you're like hey hey dad did you catch my soccer game you're like a dog who brought a squirrel to the door look look i got this for you. Do you approve of me? So do you? Yeah, I think that was great. I think I won't say anything. Yeah, I won't say anything.

For the rest of the podcast? I think yeah, I think you did. You did a real you did a real bang up job on that one, Blumenfeld. Thank you. Let's get into it. I appreciate it. All right. First question. Do you have a fake name for this person? We don't have a theme, huh? Could be anything. Okay. Hulk Hogan. Oh.

Thank you. So themes are names with first and last initials are the same. Exactly. Very nice. Very nice. Very toe-dive. Hulk himself writes. What's Hulk Hogan's real name? Um

I think it's like Terry something Terry Richards No, Terry Richardson No, that's a photographer Terry Terry Hogan writes Hey dudes My girlfriend's been hinting that she thinks anal sex is really hot

And she's coming to visit me out of state Problem is, I'm a pretty vanilla guy who's thinking about breaking up with her anyways. She's coming in two weeks and I don't want to have her come down here just to get denied or broken up with. She's awesome in every way except her sex drive. I've only ever kissed five girls, all of whom I was dating, and she told me she's blown 18 dudes. Her suggesting anal is pushing me even further away from her. How do I tell her how I feel without ending things or having to make an awkward conversation end

with her being mad at me for the five days that she's staying here? Thanks, guys. Terry Hulk Hogan. Hulk. Hulkamania, brother. Mr. Hogan. Sir. Hogan's heroes.

This is the opposite problem of what most guys have. Where they want to have anal sex. Yeah, and they don't know how to broach it with their lady. Right. Meanwhile, in the universe, there's this guy whose girlfriend's blown 18 dudes, wants to get effed in the B. Effed in the B. And he's just not feeling it, not having it. I feel like we should just comb our email

for people who had the exact opposite problem. Who want to bone people in the ass. Yeah, and set matchmakers up. I think it's, it feels like also there's two separate problems. One being that he, I mean, whether she wants to have anal sex, that's sort of like a decoration

on this package right here. The whole thing is that her sex drive turns him off and he wants to break up with her but she is like pumped about this visit i feel like this this anal thing is so it's just this weird added sad twist yeah she's like i'm gonna go with him in pennsylvania and he's gonna fuck me in the ass and i'm just so ready i just oh i was just like oh no i don't want to be and he's like hey i want to break up she's like oh that's not how i thought this was gonna go i thought you were gonna fuck me in the ass physically and now you're doing it metaphorically i feel fucking i just got railed by this

information not in a hot way either you fucked me in the ass with your with you with your desire to not be with me and i want i wanted some love, but you're such a fucking vanilla guy that we can never get the swirl happening. Yeah, ice cream aside, you do need to leave my dorm room. So? Why doesn't he fuck her in the ass? I don't know. Some people are afraid of anal sex. What do you mean afraid?

I would say I'm afraid of it. You fear it? Yeah, because it's dirty and it seems painful. To who does it seem painful? The girl who's B-er-effing. You can say but on the podcast. You can actually say fuck on the podcast, too. We're actually talking about anal sex, so regardless of how much you're censoring yourself.

You're afraid that you fucking the girl in the ass hurts her ass yes i do i appreciate that i know that anal sex is uh it's a tight squeeze right and there is there is pain involved in it um what i i in the research that i've done there's sort of the good kind of pain which is a lot of people think about it as like getting tattoos you know it's sort of like tolerable pain that's like like an intense pressure or something another thing I would never do right but like ultimately

well also the pressure's not on your butt so if the girl likes it yeah I'm just the tattoo artist right yeah I just have the needle thing yeah you have it is nice that you're calling your dick a needle yeah that's a little needle thing so you're the guy with the needle. That's an admission of, yeah. So you're the guy with the needle dick. Yeah, and I want to give her an anal tattoo.

But I think that's like if you sort of warm the anus, if you use lube, if you finger it, if you massage it, if you let it open up, and if you work your dick in slowly, that's going to be a nice positive experience. Do you want to tell your mom to stop listening at this point? You know what, mom? Because actually my mom has a similar stance to you on anal sex. Really? And I actually would appreciate it if she listened to the podcast.

Not saying I want you to have anal sex. You know your mother's stance on anal sex? I remember one time my mom caught me looking at porn or found porn on my computer. And she had a discussion with me. And she's like, porn is bad because it's making it's bad because it's like making these girls a victim. A lot of these girls are like caught up in a bad situation. Right. And then the other thing she said was that anal sex was disgusting.

And I actually, mom, I, at this point in my life, I think I've grown into a semi well-formed person. You're 28 and a half today. I don't think anal sex is wrong. I don't think it's disgusting.

I think that, I think that the porn industry is flawed, and I think there's a lot of societal inconsistencies between men and women, which I find that I have issues with. But I will say that anal sex can be a mutually beneficial and beautiful arrangement between two people. So would you say this guy should just bite the bullet? I think if he doesn't like his girlfriend, he should break up with him.

But I think if he doesn't like his girlfriend because she's blown people, then that's dumb. And he should not break up with her for being a sexual being. Right. Well, it's just one of the things that you can disagree with your girlfriend on. It could be the other way around. A guy can have a very high sex drive and a girl doesn't want to have sex a lot. And that can also create a rift in the relationship. This is just, it just usually happens the other way around. But I feel like his question isn't about her sex drive with him. His question is about her sex drive in general. It's like, I've only kissed

five girls and she's blown 18 dudes. And I don't like that. And now that she wants to have sex with like anal sex with me, I find it abhorrent. It just means she's a whore, but it doesn't, it does not mean that. And also, you can't tie your current relationship with her past relationships that happened before she even knew you. Well, it is weird that she knows the exact amount of people that she's blown. A specific blowjay number. Do you know the amount of blowjobs you've gotten?

Maybe I can... Not offhand, no. Like, if I had a conversation, I wouldn't be able to be like, oh, boom, 18. Right. I don't know how many I've gotten either. I do know how many you've gotten. And it's 18, oddly enough. Oh my God, they're all from this girl.

Which doesn't count towards her 18. You got to share that Google Doc with me. I feel like you know a lot about me and I just, I don me, and I'm not privy to the knowledge that you have. Yeah, I know, but I don't know. I've gone through a lot of trouble to collect all this information. You have like a baseball card of information of me, of how often I reach third, second, and first place. I like to know when you jerk off.

I like to ask you point blank. You do. You asked me on the live podcast when was the last time I masturbated, and then yet last night you asked me when the last time I masturbated was. I like to know. I also believe I volunteered information about. I'd like to know. I also believe I volunteered information about when I was going to masturbate. Yeah.

So, I don't know. I feel like that's a kind of nice familial friendship that we can have. Yeah. Especially now that we're roommates. Yeah. We're roomies now, and I'd like to know when you were masturbating. I really would. I know. And I would really like to keep some things a masturbating. I really would. I know.

And I would really like to keep some things a secret. I think that'll keep our relationship tighter still. What brings us together is not the information we know about each other. It's the little bits of data that we don't. And I would really appreciate you keeping some secrets from me. Agree. And I would keep some secrets from you. Secrets are no fun unless they are for your roommate. Secrets are the glue that hold this relationship together. They're you. Secrets are no fun unless they are for your roommate.

Secrets are the glue that hold this relationship together. The more secrets, the more heat. Secrets are not. Secrets are the acid that wears away at the heath of our relationship. And I'd appreciate to know where you're masturbating, when you're masturbating, how you're masturbating, and to what you came. And why, actually. And why, yeah. Because it's a little bit different. All right.

It's a little bit different every time. Cheers, ta-da. This guy should break up with his girlfriend if you can find his reasons are unimpeachable and pure. And if they are small and they're attached to your ego and not the way you feel about her, then don't break up with her. Try to work through it. Yeah. And if I were you, I would also break up with this girl. I mean, it's going to be a weird situation.

The question is, do you wait until she comes to visit and do it in person or do you do it on the phone? Definitely don't do it. I mean, do it now if you're going to do it. Don't make her come all the way to visit you expecting anal and then denying her your butt plug and also

forcing her to like, she has to go through airport security. She's got to take off her shoes and her to like, she has to go through airport security. She's got to take off her shoes and empty your pockets. And she has to like board a plane and fucking fly to you. That's not okay. She's coming out of state to visit or she's driving a really long way. There's not like, you shouldn't make her go through this effort so you can break up with her

and then have a weird five days together. All right. Yeah. That's, that's a, that's a usual problem is like I'm with a girl. It's weird to break up over the phone because we've been in a relationship for X amount of years. But it's also

weird to just wait until she gets here and then break up with her. FaceTime, dude. FaceTime. Yeah. Video chat. And I think if you tell her like, the reason I'm not doing this in person is because I didn't want you to waste your time. She'll like, she'll understand. Or you go to her before she gets to you. That's true. That way it's like she can't get mad at you. That's so weird because then you came all the way and she's like super excited. She's like, oh my God, does this mean we're going to fuck in the ass now? And he's like, actually, no. It means the opposite of that.

Yeah, no, I don't know. I would say do it over the phone quickly if you're going to do it. Tear the band-aid. Tear it. Boom. Todah. Next question. Next person. Next new name name who do you got is it a man it's a no it's a girl actually china china writes dear jake and amir i received a really terrible book for my birthday

and my friend keeps asking me if i've read it yet what should i do Short, sweet, but very complicated. Right. Giving someone a book is a bad gift. What are you saying? It's a bad gift. Do you think books are a bad gift? I think 99% of the time it's a bad gift. I've given books many times.

I know, and it's very sweet, but the fact of the matter is they take hours and hours and hours to read. It's a big responsibility. I only do it when it's a real friend of mine, and I only do it when I really love the book. And I say, if you want to get to know me, you'll read this book. And I think maybe that's what your friend is doing. So you should read the book.

Also, you said it's a terrible book, but you haven't read the book, so you don't know if it's terrible. It's hard. I mean, I've gotten a book. I'm in this thing where I give my friend a book, and then he gives me a book. And the last book that he gave me was so bad to me. I was boring to me. He loved it. What book?

It's called The Empire of the Sun. It's just about Native Americans. Who is this friend? Ofer. Ofer. Yeah, yeah. So I gave him a book that he didn't like about Einstein, which was 600 pages. He read the whole thing and then gave me a book that I didn't like. And I'm like, I have to read this. So like, I read like, now it's like you guys

are out to get each other. It's a fucking, it's a prank game. But I, my, my, my attention span is so shot that I can barely read books that I do enjoy that like, when it's like, boring to me. Did you finish it? I did finish it. but I had to read like three pages a day for four months instead of like just doing it all in two hours because I couldn't like, my eyes would not let my brain or my brain wouldn't let my eyes continue to read after like two minutes. You don't like, well, it's tough.

If you don't like books, then books are a bad gift. But I like to read. I like books. No, you don't. Yes, I do. I read books all the time. That's not true. Yes, it is.

What were the last three books that you completed? Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Uh-huh. That was Dave Ager's book. Yeah. Zaytoon. No, I think there was more books recently. I don't know.

For like when I travel, I like to read. Right. But otherwise, you don't. Oh, you know what? It was, I remember now. It was, I read two Malcolm Gladwell books. When? Outliers.

This is like in August and September. Okay. So you read three books in the last six months and you think you love to read? I do like to read. But you would have read more books than that, don't you think? Three books a year? I don't know. I feel like you're putting me on blast. I am putting you on blast. But I think I read a lot. I think I read internet articles. I think I read scripts. Oh, yeah, you read internet articles and scripts, but you don't read books a lot. I read poetry every single day. Do you? Yeah. What book of poetry do you read every single day?

Well, I own a book called Good Poems, which I absolutely recommend. It's curated by Garrison Keillor. Actually, my mom gave it to me. It's one of the best poetry books I've ever read. And I also have a favorite bookmark, which is poets.org, I think it is, and they post a poem a day.

I read a poem every single day. All right. Well, what I'm trying to say is there are people that love to read, that read like, you know, a book a week. Voraciously. Yeah, yeah. They just go through it. They devour it.

Like Streeter is someone that is constantly reading books. My brother's wife is constantly reading books. I feel like those are people that love to read. You're like me. You'll read a book book every other month i'm not like book every three months you call it a day reading i like it when it's an interesting book what a boring conversation this is how boring books are they make conversations boring i think uh i don't know i guess it's there's books that people

connect with and then there's books that people connect with, and then there's books that your friends... I think it is dangerous to give someone a book. Yeah. It has to appeal to you. Spend 10 hours devouring this. It's an investment that you want to feel like you are in control of, like you made the decision. I pick up this book, and I will choose to read it.

That being said, if you do read a book, or if somebody reads a book that you recommended, that's a huge... That's a very big connection. It's more so than a movie. I think it depends on the friend in this situation. Like if your friend is a good friend and she's asking you to read the book, you should be like, okay, I'll read the book and read the book and then see if you like it. If she's not a good friend, you should just be like, you know what? I'm not going to read the book. What about the old high school CliffsNotes? Remember SparksNotes? There's no point in lying about reading the book.

It's like, hey, yeah, I really liked it. My favorite part was when the main character went through a change. I thought of some themes with the book, if you can believe that. I found it to be a coming-of-age story. It was an allegory of the Cold War, I think. And another theme that I realized is that it represents youth. So those are the three big themes that I liked in the book. Of course. Also the four main characters I liked, John, Mark, Jim, Dan. And I like the last sentence, which I've committed to memory.

Another thing that you could do is just avoid your friend entirely. Just never see him ever again. If they gave you a bad book, maybe they're a bad friend. I don't think you can really speak to the book being bad or being terrible if you haven't read the book. It's beautiful. I can't speak to the book being terrible if you haven't read the book. You're crying for different reasons right now I know it a mosquito just bit you

completely unrelated to the book thing so if I were you I would just quickly glance at some synopses online tell your friend you read the book and consider it a lost cause you're not going to actually sit down and read a terrible book there's too many good books in the universe that you haven't read probably that uh you should waste your time with this terrible yeah recommend some

of the some of the for example uh moonwalking with einstein is a book i read once that i really liked it was about a guy who entered the u.S. memory competition. The Drunkard's Walk, which is a book about statistics and randomness in America. Right, so this is like, if you recommend, I think you have to have a keen awareness of your sensibilities. Like, if you gave me one of those books, I would be like, fuck this. But the book that I read, Wild, which I loved, was about a woman hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. So it's like, yeah, this appeals to me directly. Right. So it's like, yeah, this appeals to me directly. Right. You should have a more thoughtful friend that doesn't just force her books on you,

but rather finds a book that she thinks you'll like. I don't know. No, you don't. What would you do if I gave you a terrible book and I said I'd like you to read it? I would read it. You would read it? Cover to cover, yeah.

All right, I'm going to give you a book. I'm going to hold you to read it. I would read it. You would read it? Cover to cover, yeah. Alright, I'm going to give you a book. I'm going to hold you to that. Are you going to try to make it terrible? Yeah, I'm going to try to fuck with you. I'm going to try to trick you or get you in some way. It's going to be as dense as Infinite Jest. Twice as boring if you can believe it. Well, Infinite Jest isn't boring.

Did you read it? No, gave up. Too dense. I'm going to get back to it. Yeah, yeah. The problem with stopping a book and restarting it is that, like, do you start from the beginning or do you start from where you left off? I don't know. With that book, I'd probably have to start from the fucking beginning.

It's so dense. All right. Ready for question the third? Yeah. I promise this one's not about books. Okay. We need a name. Man, woman?

Woman again. Sable. Sable. Sable herself writes, so my boyfriend keeps texting me about his problems with his parents' divorce, and don't get me wrong, I feel really bad about it. However, I just started taking classes again, and I'm working two jobs, and it's super stressful to make things, and it's super stressful, and to make things worse, he keeps texting me to come over to his place to help him with his problems he has with his parents, which when I I will say you sound like a colossal bitch. Really?

I really think she does, actually. You're taking the boyfriend's side? Not necessarily. I feel like I need a little bit more information. But I do think, given what I have right now, I would peg her as a colossal bitch. Really? But you've got to think about things in her point of view, which is her boyfriend's constantly complaining about his parents' divorce, which if you're old enough to be in a relationship, your parents' divorce

shouldn't be that big of a deal. Well, your parents never got divorced. That's not fair. Secondly, and then he's calling his girlfriend out for not wanting to come over and console him. That's a weird thing to do. Yeah, but that's tough. I mean, I imagine your parents are going through a divorce and you're you need to rely on your girlfriend and she's

like i don't really want to come over and you're like wow well all love is fucked you're a bitch what am i doing i don't think he's being very mature if he's saying that but here well here's my here's my take here's my take okay one more time here's my take okay i you gotta you get a little high pitch to the front end of a sentence sort of commands attention here's my take okay you got a little high pitch to the front end of a sentence sort of commands attention here's my take and everybody's like whoa what just happened to that dude's voice

but then their eyes are on you and you don't break so then I feel like he took a speaking seminar recently between preach and here's the high pitch voice preach

this is how you talk you can command attention by here's my take and then preach so alright I'm gonna put this to use right now here's my take this episode's called here's my take. And then preach. So I'm going to put this to use right now. Here's my take.

This episode's called Here's My Take, right? It might be called Preach. All right. That's actually a lot better. Notice I'm staring you firm in the eyes. So even though you have a good idea, I'm sort of usurping it, taking it on as my own. Yes. Here's my take.

Okay. Okay? I honestly actually might have forgotten what I was going to say. Yeah. But here's my take. Okay. Okay? I honestly actually might have forgotten what I was going to say. But here's my take. It sounds like this girl doesn't want to be there for the dude. Okay. Okay?

But I think if it's because he's going through a rough time, then she is a bitch. You can't just be there for the good parts of the relationship. And then when he needs you, when he's going through some shit, just abandon him. And sometimes I think people get more needy when they feel like they're being left in the dust. So he, he, in his mind, he's like, oh my God, my girlfriend's not there. I really need her. You know? And the other thing that this is, this is maybe the, um, this is maybe where I might side with her. If he's a douchebag all the time, which he did say, and not just because of this parent's divorce,

if he always sucks and now he especially needs you, but you're like, I don't want to be there for this guy who I think sucks anyway, just so I can go through this shitty time, help him get past it and then break up with him. Really? I would say break up with him now if you're ready to break up with him. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying break up with him. Really? I would say, can get break up with him now if you're ready to break up with him. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying break up with, if you, in your mind, you've already decided he's a douche and you don't like him and now he's sucking extra hard, break up with him for sure. But I think if you're like, if he was great for a long time, now he's

sad and you're like, I'm going to hook up with his, with, with his buddy who's positive. That's not really smart thinking because I think a lot of guys are going to hook up with his buddy who's positive, that's not really smart thinking, because I think a lot of guys are going to have issues where they need you. And if you're just bad at being there for people, that's not necessarily like you're just moving on to ruin somebody else's life. Well, this new guy sounds amazing and hot and super fun. What makes him sound amazing that she said he was amazing? Yeah.

And his parents are still together, which makes him the man. This new guy sort of damaged goods. I mean, clearly he comes from a broken home at this point, a place where I can't imagine my life going. I don't want to ever divorce a guy. What do you think? I think if this girl seems ready to break up with this guy, she should just break up with him, even though his parents are going through a divorce. Yeah, I guess what I'm saying is the same thing. Don't stay together with him because he's going through a rough time, but don't break up with him just because he's going through a rough time either.

If he sucks and he sucks harder now, break up with him. Now, maybe try to just like look deep into your heart and decide if it's worth it and that maybe you can help him through it and then you will both be better. Well, it's kind of hard. It's kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy like these – when you get into a fight with someone, it's like, oh, you bitch. You're probably just going to want to break up with me. You just want to break up with me. Yeah, and then she's like, yeah, I – At this point, I do. Because you're just such a bummer all the time.

Here's a bit of advice for people who are the guys in this situation. Don't get mad at someone for not helping you. They don't owe it to you. That's true. And it's such a weird thing to be like, oh, you suck. You're not helping me. Because then the best thing that can happen is they can begrudgingly help you. And then it's weird. You're like, alright, thanks for

getting me through that rough time. And they're like, yeah, I guess. And then in your heart you'll always know that you had to force them to do it and they won't feel like you know, one of the nice things that you can feel when you help people is that you gave and you

you're charitable. Right. The person that gives can't even enjoy it because they were forcibly... Then it's just bad for everybody. So at least if somebody says no, they don't want to help you and it really hurts, if you just let them go, then only one person feels bad instead of everyone.

You. Right. Well, this guy wants to drag his lady down with him into these trenches of feeling bad. The trenches of feeling bad. Yeah, like, oh, my parents are getting divorced. I'm in a bad mood. So now you are in a bad mood.

That's not, you're putting that on him. Here's my point. You're putting that on him right there. He's not necessarily saying, I feel bad. I want you to feel bad. He's like, I feel bad. Help. Yeah, but then he's like, when he gets mad at her, it's like, I want you to.

When you get mad at someone, you're i want i want you to yeah it's when you get mad at someone you're basically forcing them to be nice to you and that's it's never a good way to be it's tough it's really hard being insecure that's what this dude is that's it he's just like you gotta be i don't know i don't know do you think everybody's insecure in some way probably yeah you can't be the most secure? I guess you can be like very, very secure, but even the most secure people must have some insecurity. I think everyone does. What's your biggest insecurity?

Or you know what? Better yet, what's my biggest insecurity? Yeah, this is, this is, yeah, I don't like this. Tell me what, tell me what makes me bad. Tell me what you think makes me bad and I'll tell you if I agree. And then maybe if I don't, I'll retreat deep into my psyche and realize that I am bad about that thing in that regard of which you said I was bad. Put me on a blast. I'm standing here before you.

I'm begging to be on blast. Blast me, sir. Blast! Do you know what you're insecure about? My, um, no, actually, I'm not gonna say it, because I think, because then it just shows up in every single comment

from now on. Everybody is like, oh, Jake's concerned about his eyebrows, which I'm not. No, obviously not. Unless you're saying that because you think I'm concerned about my eyebrows. Are they connected? Are they fucking connected? Are they thick? Are they too thin? Just tell me. They're thin at the

end and thick in the middle and they're connected and it's just one. No! The worst eyebrow I could have is on my brow. My brow is my eyebrow. What now?

My brow is my eyebrow What now? My brow is my eyebrow What now? That's that new hair That's that new hair, dude That's that winter jam What are you talking about? That's the winter jam My brow is my eyebrow

What now? What else could your brow be other than your eyebrow? My brow is my eyebrow My brow is my eyebrow What now? my brow is my eyebrow what now my brow is my eyebrow what now my brow is my eyebrow what now does that sound kind of cool no it doesn't all right forget it what was the song that i heard yesterday that like i hated it but by the end of the song i liked it oh. Oh, ya bish. I don't know. That really just tickles my brain.

Ya bish, ya bish. So he's saying bish instead of bitch? Yeah, ya bish. I don't know. It's a fucking dope song, though. It's like when someone tickles me and I hate it, but I'm still laughing. That's what I think about, ya bish. Ya bish.

It's a great song. The whole song's great. Then type Away. A song that I didn't like and then was won over by the end of the song. Oh, man. Oh, there's another. I can't even mention it now because I don't know the name of the song. What?

It's another song that came up on Spotify. It's like, if you like Rich Homie Kwan, who sings Type Away. I think it's Rich Homie Kwan. It's like, you'll like this song. And I listened to it, think it's rich homie kwan it's like you'll like this song and i'd listen to it and it's dope and i liked it a lot so point one for spotify yeah spotify you're killing it now yeah they know that i like hip-hop and so when they recommend another hip-hop song it's good it's in some type of way though yeah type of way mr ceo is what my titles say i know you do it's almost like Because I Got High, that call and response.

That's a weird song. I love it. Should we take a break? Do you have anything to talk about? We can talk about where we are right now. Oh, yeah. This is our first podcast recording in our new towel fort of sorts. Yeah.

This is such an upgrade over our last towel fort. It's great. We had to force by turning uh my apartment into a towel fort by hanging towels everywhere this place is like a nice glass uh encased balcony looking over the hills uh with uh curtains and uh what do you call these drapes drapes yeah drapes every every everywhere that we didn't even have to hang. They were already here. Yeah. It's fate.

It's great. It's great fate. It's great fate. It's great fate. When was the last time you masturbate? Preach! And also, we're in our new house.

Yeah. We've never lived together. California. Yeah. This is it. This is the first time we've unpacked this podcast equipment.

Since. And we don't haveed this podcast equipment. Since. And we don't have to put it away. Right. Remember before we left, it was in your basement in Brooklyn. Yeah. And we were recording and your life was a mess. Complete. Frazzle.

A frazzle festival. It was in shards. Yeah. It was in absolute shards. And I guess that was over two months ago now. Yeah, that was like November 12th. That was the day before we left for the tour, right? Right. went from that to here oh my god and you've made it i really like yesterday was the first time i like i guess i sort of unpacked my bag when i went home for

christmas right but this is the first time i like put stuff in a closet put stuff in drawers like this is my life. It feels amazing. I'm so happy. And yet I'll never be satisfied. I saw you weeping as you unpacked the boxes. Because I knew I wanted more. Yeah, you looked at the book. You lifted the book out of a box and you looked at it and you couldn't let go because it meant that you were finally at a place.

Yeah. And you were like at a place. Yeah. And you were like, holy shit, I don't care about the destination. I'm now addicted to the journey. Right? My last pair of socks, as I put it in the drawer, I said no. And I left it. I left that pair of socks in my duffel bag because I'm always ready. I got one foot out the door.

I'll never be where I am. I'll never truly be where I am. Oh, you mean you'll always be where you are. I'll always one step ahead of myself. And two steps ahead of you. Don't drag me into this. And one step behind my old man. So, to recap

the order of things is... One step ahead of myself. Okay. Two steps ahead of you. Uh-huh. And then one step, one beat, one pace behind my old man. So if you were to zoom out a little, just the landscape of what you're describing, it would be a race in which in first place is your old man. My old man. Then in second place is you.

Then in third place is you, too, because you're always one step behind yourself. And then coming up the rear for no reason you're throwing me into things i'm fourth you're uh you're right and you're wrong okay the order's correct but life's not a race i'll tell you what bud there's no first place we all already lost what the fuck are you talking about salute you're drinking clorox bleach holy shit you know what drano drano to erase my pain oh you don't need to explain oh i get it i understand oh yep um so yeah there's gonna be some there's gonna be a lot of good stories coming out of us living together yeah that's true because we've already be a lot of good stories coming out of us living together.

Yeah, that's true. Because we've already spent a lot of time together, but now that we're actually sleeping six feet away from each other. We are. It's a Jack and Jill bathroom. Yeah. And that's all we got. Which is great because you sleep in a wig and you say, I'm Jill and Jack. Yeah.

I'm both. Yeah. I'm one step ahead of myself and two steps ahead of Jack. What? I don't even understand. Yeah. I don't know what else there is to say other than this place is great. Did you take a picture?

We should post it online somewhere. I took a picture. I'll post it to my Instagram. Impossible. As I want the followers. Send it to me. I want the followers. I want my Instagram is going to have the picture of this room.

My Instagram name is jkerwitz. J-A-K-E-H-U-R-W-I-T-Z. Add me on Instagram. Follow me. I promise you I'll be posting riveting pics of my life. Of my dicks. Preach! How funny was it when Jonah Ray, the comedian, posted a picture of our billboard and captioned it,

Who the fuck has a billboard for a podcast? And then so many people got angry at him that he then had to delete the photo. Yeah. We love our fans because we were put on an unsolicited... Tuesday afternoon. Instagram blast. Midday. Mid afternoon Instagram blast. Midday. Midday Instagram blast.

I don't know how that was. I don't know how that was average. Don't know how that was fair. But I tell you what, it wasn't appreciated. And we respect that our fans came to our defense. I think that's a beautiful thing. But at the same time, we didn't necessarily retaliate ourselves. We were too much of a scared little cowardly men to go out and combat it with our own comments.

Well, I think that's because it's – and I think he said this too. It didn't feel like he was coming at us specifically. Because he didn't even know that it was us. Right. He was just like – he thought it was stupid, which is weird because admittedly it is us. Right. He was just like, he thought it was like stupid, which is weird because we admittedly, it is stupid. Yeah.

Like got it for $380 and thought it would be funny. I mean, if you think about it, this is exactly what we always wanted. This is like the podcast that Billboard turned into

like actual promotion just then. If only he didn't take down the photo. Yeah, that's true. But it did create like a little firestorm. I don't know.

I think it was great. You could see the, I think you you can see the instagram somebody screencapped it on our subreddit if you go to reddit.com uh slash r slash jake namir there you go you can check it out also that's a just a good reddit to promote because it's a nice healthy community of uh our smartest fans so get in on that shit you know what i just I just realized? We're out of time. Wow, the break took us to the end. Yeah. All right. Sometimes the intermission is so long it becomes the end of the movie.

But you know what? Don't worry. We'll be back on Monday. Guys, stop freaking out. Relax. We are flattered by your uproar. By your outrage and your uproar. And I appreciate it.

Yeah, I think it humbles me. Well, it didn't actually happen, so don't get humbled about it. I am 100% humble for this. You're making up a reaction and being humbled by it. You treat me like a king, but I assure you I am a humble servant. I'm saying I'm a humble servant. You're not because you said you're a humble servant. I deserve to be treated like a king

the way they treat me I'll say that, I'll submit that and I'll admit that but I do want to mention that I view myself as a pauper a lowly pauper and I appreciate that I have everybody else at the sounding board

at my beck and call and I appreciate how much they appreciate me get through with this. I'm a god. This hypocrisy. I'm a god. I'm a fucking god, dude. Exactly right.

All right. You're meeting silence and turning it into adoration, and you're saying that you're humbled by it. You're wearing a crown. I'm a god. Why be a podcast king when you could be a podcast god? A pod god. Yeah, we are out of time. We forgot to mention the opening theme song was written by CJ Malm.

If you can come up with your own theme song, we're still accepting them and using them at the top and bottom of all of our episodes. Boom. Send those to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. That first one was written, like I said, by CJ Malm. And this last one was written by Gareth, Jeannie, and Lamp. Hopefully that's not their real names, but you know what? I'm not judging if they are. I'm Jeannie.

I believe they're Australian. And it's a parody of that song Timber. I'll give you one guess as to what they did. Thanks again for listening, everyone. We will be back on Monday. We will have more new questions, and if you find yourself in your own difficult situation, you can email us at ifirayoushow at gmail dot com.

Peace! Ta-ra! I'm swiping right. I'm cruising Tinder. We bet a match. I trusted Jake. Your hashtag dope. I'm swiping right I'm cruising Tinder We better match I trusted Jake Your hashtag dope Let's get together

Yo you do you Listen to Drake If I were you Tinder If I were you Tinder If I were you Show at gmail.com

Swipe right If I were you Tinder If I were you Tinder If I were you, show at gmail.com If I were you, if I were you If I were you, show at gmail.com If I were you, show that's what it's called Jake's kind of a beast in that regard Amir will straight up tell you Jake's texting and he's getting hard Texting, okay, Cupid

Damn, this girl's a smoke show Hope she don't leave a snail trail She says she won't, but her mom will. My girls on the bus was with some clown jerking them off right up and down. Oh, and his marriage just found out if this would you, would you just bounce? Yo.

So I like this girl. You see, we basically text like constantly just want to know if you were me, should I give this girl?